#i dunno. i guess i just wished there was anyone in my life i trusted to see me as the fully complexified and messy human I am

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I feel like the post I just reblogged pointing out the all-or-nothing in how many people interact with their deconstruction of systems of oppression is resonating for me right now with so many different moments in my life where someone decides that because some part of myself has access to some of the levers of control/influence/etc that come with the relationship to power, and decides what that must mean about all the other parts of me that might be explicitly refused access to those same levers.

It has happened in so many spaces/aspects of my life, and it can be so hard to feel safe and seen and trusting of others when that's my chronic relationship to being perceived - half truths and obfuscation.

It doesn't really change regardless of who's doing the assuming either. Like, where they land in relation to systems of power may influence which direction they lean in their assumptions about me, but even that is often inconsistent. Both sides of the equation (those who share my marginalizations and those who exist in spaces of closer proximity to power) will still do it nonetheless.

When I was doing my liminal social identities work in undergrad, this was actually a big part of the conceptualization we explored of traumtic alienation of self as individual from self as collective, and what it can do to people to exist in this liminal relationship with your environment and the people in it. As I'm starting to gather my thoughts about my stress modeling, this conceptualization is bubbling back to the surface. I'm finding myself meandering through it on both a path specifically my own, and in an effort to better understand what other paths may be available to people during their version of the process/experience.

Selfhood is so fragile, and so in need of balance between self-construction and co-construction for us humans, and that gives us so many beautiful, even spiritual, experiences of meaning making and generativity of self. It also createa many pivot points where we may find room in our path for vulnerability or blurring of self. As much as these pivot points can be distressing, I think they also sometimes become our foundations of change/personal evolution, when we find that through the distress of existing in shift, something meaningful is occurring or observable in our experience of self-in-transition.

I think something I've valued especially about my own relationship with self is its transience. It doesn't always end up somewhere I would be happy to sustain, but it always allows me a degree of comfort in complexity that I think has made my body-mind a safer place for me overall.

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Questionnaire

Thank you so much for the tag, @willtheweaver!!! (here)

MY QUESTIONS WERE:

Is there anything that would make you lose trust in others?

Do you think anyone could love you?

If you could relive one day, which one would it be?

YOUR QUESTIONS ARE:

Where is your favorite place in the world?

What food do you hate the most?

Do you like watching sunsets or sunrises?

The characters answering will be Corah and Scarlet from Of Starlight and Beasts, Renn from my still-unnamed fairytale fantasy WIP, and Sam Delaways from Enchanted Illusions!

1. Is there anything that would make you lose trust in others?

Corah - Betrayal, abandonment and dishonesty are pretty far up on the list, along with unwarranted cruelty, people who like to make others feel uncomfortable, or those with a just generally jerkass attitude.

Scarlet - Finding out that person works for the King, or is too buddy-buddy with the constabulary in the city usually sets off all of my alarms all at once. I also cannot stand cowards, liars and people who cannot be trusted to hide a secret.

Renn - Hmm. I guess that being lied to or used by someone tends to be what breaks the deal, but I also lose trust in people who are too indecisive, or whom I know would choose the set laws and rules over the wellbeing of individuals.

Sam - Trust is important, alright, but it ain't more important than staying safe. I tend to give people a lot of chances before fully losing all trust in 'em. I think what would make me lose trust really fast is finding out someone is sadistic or cruel to innocent people, or discovering someone I trusted had intentionally hid something important from me.

2. Do you think anyone could love you?

Corah - ... I sure hope so? Haha. Asking the hard hitting questions, are we now? But on a serious note, I think that almost anyone who is good - or willing to become good through effort - deserves love. I strive to be a good person and help others whenever I can - I just hope this is enough...

Scarlet - Yes, absolutely! I am a delight to be around. I think. I have lots of friends, and my sister and I have a really close bond. The love for one's family is one of the most special ties in the world, and I wouldn't ask for anything more.

Renn - I think so, if they ever get to know me beyond what the rumors and scare stories of the villagers will have you believe. Most don't. I don't really care - but some days I just wish more people gave me a chance.

Sam - Yep. I have two little brothers who say that I'm their hero! While in my opinion that is very flattering on its own, I'm very thankful to have them both in my life, despite most things not going as planned. Don't know what I would do without 'em.

3. If you could relive one day, which one would it be?

Corah - The day I met Arammys. I know its two days before my whole life was thrown upside down, but that day was perfect. Not only was it the day I met my closest friend, and current boyfriend, but everything was so perfectly normal - almost like everything was going to go exactly as I expected. Turns out they didn't, but that's not the point.

Scarlet - The day I taught Nimwen how to shoot the bow and arrow, and I stole a cherry cake from a shop in town that lasted us two whole days. That was a pretty great day given our standards. I'd love to relive it.

Renn - Hmm. The days before my Dad went on the voyage that got him killed. Before I had to figure out how to survive alone away from our land and villagers with torches and pitchforks became the biggest threat to my way of life. We were happy, and I was just a little kid having the time of my life with a parent cared about me. That was great! Or used to be.

Sam - I dunno. Days are all pretty similar in Strystead - an endless grind of work, survival and learning to stay out of trouble. My happiest moments are the ones where I get to just spend free time with my little brothers without having to work myself to the bone in the factories. Those days are rare though, and will likely keep getting rarer - because the Mayor sure ain't about to pay working folk a proper salary, but that's a whole other issue.

Tagging: @illarian-rambling, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @littleladymab, @little-peril-stories, @oh-no-another-idea, @rickie-the-storyteller, @lassiesandiego, @thepeculiarbird, @eccaiia, @late-to-the-fandom, @diabolical-blue, @writernopal, @mk-writes-stuff, @tabswrites, @winterandwords, @frostedlemonwriter, @clairelsonao3, @autumnalwalker and OPEN TAG

[vampiromano]

okay uhhhh all my thoughts are scrambled so this is just kind of midnless yapping. about. stuff

1. okay so the king is. yeah idk why I trusted him when I should've logically understood that the guy has absolutely no idea about the previous convos we had. it does make me wonder whether I could've changed his mind by asking EVERYTHING and gifting him th flower all over again but. I doubt it. why would he change if this is all he has y'know. and if his literal god sorta told him he was doing what he had to.i dunno he's very interesting and I'm actually looking forward to the next fight

2. also looking forward to my next chat with loop. gotta wonder what they'll have to say about the guy who was so desperate to be understood thry Wished to get another self to talk to. I'm not sure it's gonna be the chat that gets me to The Reveal Of Loop's Identity as Siffrin2 or whatever BUT it's certainly heading that way if it isn't.

or maybe not! they're fun like that.

3. colours!!!!!!!!! nothing more to add just Colours.

ACTUALLY definitely something to add. did the same thing that happen to colours happen to the island????? is that it???????? will it be explained????? i really doubt it'll be explained. alas.

4. How Does Loop Feel About Their Home Country No Longer Existing. do they feel like Siffrin? or are they avoiding it the way Siffrin was for a while? are they detached bc now it's technically not theirs (assuming they're Alternate Siffrin and not Future Siffrin, bc I don't think Future Siffrin would make that much sense? okay maybe. some sense but. idkkkkk)? LOOP I NEED TO LOOK INSIDE YOUR BRAIN

5. Isabeau is soooo perceptive I luv him. my aversion to the crush has gotten slightly better the more Siffrin is reciprocating it and the less I'm thinking of Siffrin as Guy I'm Playing As (the more I think of them as A Character and not An Avatar, is what I mean). so I'm growing to appreciate him a lot more he's my fave guy. truly so cool. I get him. if nobody got me I know my man isabeau got me. he's my best friwnd.

6. fuck okay where was i. anyway everyone's reacting differently the more time passes and I think it's bc Siffrin is having such an astronomically bad fucking time it's transcending time. i feel like if I were in a room with them I'd just DIE I'd just say fuck this stupid baka life and drop to the ground and never move again from how rancid their vibes are. Siffrin is having the worst time anyone's ever had and I feel so sorry for him I hope I can at the very least lead him well enough he'll TALK to ANYONE(other than loop) about ANYTHING or else.

(I feel like talking to Loop is not very helpful bc Loop is just THEM but WORSE. like they already had their worst life. I don't think much good can come from talking to the version of yourself that DEFINITELY had it bad as well and seemingly BECAME A FUCKING STAR about it. idk. I'm rambling. I need to know more about Loop I need to help them also. I hope they get a happy ending with my Bones.)

7. Odile my best friend Odile is ALSO being very perceptive but she's kinda scary about it. either way I hope god do I HOPE she'll be the first to figure the loops out. or SOMETHING. bc I need Siffrin to talk to her about them I need to know what she THINKS.

8. irks me that nobody ever mentions that Siffrin poses for the picture!!! they're literally smiling!!!! every time!!!!! anyone say anything please!!!!!

9. Siffrin cut himself on glass. I was surprised! not sure it's quite self harm yet bc it didn't seem intentional BUT I have a feeling we're heading down that route!!! which is interesting!!!!!! they're certainly very self loathing and quite safe of Proper Death. idk. need to keep playing I guess.

10. Messi❤️

11. anyway yeah that's it I've got a lot of thoughts I hope someone found them mildly amusing at least!!!!

[revserrayyu]

2.1 Penacony thoughts [part1]

**Mild spoiler warning** until the first moment we switch to Aventurine’s POV in the story and I don’t think much has happened yet, but if you haven’t reached that point yet, then turn away anyway if you wish I’m just gonna ramble a bit here and toss my thoughts into the void for my own reference.

Firstly, the return of the odd yellow text and Aventurine calling us ~fuh-riends~ in that hilarious and exaggerated tone of his.

Makes me wonder whom else has perished during their time in Penacony, and if it’s true, then the Family certainly has experience with covering such things up which raises many other concerns. Also gives me another reason to not fully trust Sunday.

Oh teehee~ We got Aventurine’s number. And some extra credits due to my responses, HA. sugardaddy

As we learned from a beautifully animated dance animation, Black Swan certainly knows how dangerous Acheron can be.

he whole flashback with Duke & Acheron was pretty good. It at least gives us more context rather than us being told he was killed offscreen, but still confirms the dude is dead, though he mentions the kids are alive, somehow. Duke also guessed that Acheron’s an Emanator (though he’s wrong about which path), then there was some important music box that gets brought up later on, and Acheron speaks of her sword that has indeed been sheathed this entire time, even during the 2.0 story.

At the very end of the scene it fades to black and Acheron full says: “May death be the end of your boundless dream, guiding you back to the waking world,” which I remember is the exact thing she said after witnessing Firefly’s death.

Sweetie, you’re a big mystery but it does not surprise me in the slightest to learn that you’re wanted by the IPC after witnessing your power in your many trailers. Hearing her speak about the Stellaron Hunters though made me think back to her character trailer, since I wondered if she even knew who was attacking her in the first place, but perhaps she did, even if the trio was nothing but Sparkle’s tricky illusions.

It was kinda funny seeing her get lost occasionally in the hotel during the previous story update, but now I feel bad knowing that she has horrible memory. Having to rely on your emotions seems quite challenging if you don’t have a good control of them, but she seems to be fairing well enough.

Tell us your suspicions Acheron! I mean, I have my guesses as well, but I’d take your word over anyone else’s.

It was at this moment where I had a real random idea and thought, “huh, could this be Boothill?” I found it strange how they revealed him to us when we haven’t even met the dude in game yet, like he really came in outta nowhere for me. But seeing Sam again and realizing how both of them have robotic bodies.. I dunno. I thought it could’ve been an extra set of armor or something.

Of course it makes no sense, since Sam & Boothill have different voice actors anyways, but still, the way Acheron speaks so familiar to him, as if they were both truly galaxy rangers, gave me second thoughts for just a brief moment. Nothing more. Just a small silly idea.

The return of the worrisome red text, capable of causing anxiety even through such a small word. With her horrible memory, I assume she’s not even sure what she’s supposed to be doing in life, so asking about Elio’s script and if she’s included made me think she’s trying to learn about her purpose and her own goals.

Say it loud, mom! We shall NOT. TRUST. ANYONE! And at this moment I seriously don’t. If they ain’t from the Express then you’re sus. Case closed.

Glad to see Danny boy lending us a helping hand from the train, but red text begone! First learning about how Acheron has terrible memory and now we can’t even remember her well? That can’t be good.

I firmly believed that if you die in the dream, you would just wake up in real life, so thank whatever Aeon you fancy that we’re finally getting the idea to head back into reality to confirm if Firefly and Robin are still alive. Maybe we should check up on those couple npcs that passed away during side quests too.

The way I held my breath.. I don’t even know much about HI3 but I’m aware our grandpa is more or less the same guy, so seeing him interact with some like Acheron, oh dear. The way Acheron still didn’t reveal her true name to him made me more wary too. I get she might not even remember, because poor memory, but hmmm.

I can understand her having some Stellaron Hunter knowledge because she’s wanted just like them, but ma’am why do you know this?? especially since the Family doesn’t even know the truth about Welt’s cane apparently.

Can’t lie, a fight between him and Acheron would be a spectacle. Who do you think would win?

Again, how does she know this? Has she been chatting with Aventurine? because he figured out our stellaron last patch too.

First thought: yay, she’s worried about us. Second thought: why would she be concerned about Black Swan? Shouldn’t it be the other way around after their dance? Third thought: What exactly is Black Swan capable of and how frightened should I be right now? Fourth thought: Acheron, why do you know so much about others??

So this music box.. why exactly does Black Swan have it now? Didn’t Acheron snatch it from Duke Inferno? Was she planning to give it to BS, or did memokeeper steal it off her? I dunno.

Is it me or does it feel like she’s talking to someone else? Another memokeeper? Or just to herself for dramatic effect? Either way, who exactly are we expecting to show up?

I honestly was getting a bit creeped out during this scene, from the weird camera angles the game was giving is to seeing Black Swan not understand what was going on or who was speaking to her. I actually started fearing for her life and I made a stunning realization that if they killed off BS I would actually freak out. Surprisingly, I wasn’t too upset over Firefly (we didn’t spend much time with her), but it feels like we’ve know BS for longer you know? Ever since that trailer about all the Aeons.

I can hear Luocha somewhere in the distance going “the dead return!” I tease, but actually hearing one of those from Ever-Flame Mansion call out to BS was a bit confusing? Duke said his kids were alive, sure, but BS is looking at past memories attached to the music box, right? So I’m still a bit on the fence regarding who out of the kids are actually alive. Maybe some, maybe all. Maybe I’m being played for a fool and thinking about it too much.

How many of y’all got excited to see Ratio interact with Aventurine again? I know you people are out there. Anyways, hearing about how Robin had a stand-in leads me to believe her death was planned, which would upset me greatly because what did that precious lady ever do to anyone??

It’s crazy this man has actually tried several times to end himself inside the dreams, like bro what if you actually succeeded?? At least this shod bring us some relief that Firefly and Robin are okay? Hopefully? I’ll believe when I see them.

I freakin' knew there was something wrong with her voice!! The first couple times we meet her you can tell her voice sounded off, like it was glitching out or something. It’s not very easy to hear, but the difference between the real Robin and Sparkle impersonating Robin towards the end of the last patch sounded different. No wonder Sunday picked up on Sparkle’s trick so easily.

Soooo, that’s pretty much everything I went through after the update hit. Unfortunately it isn’t much but adulting is a drag. Of course I’m looking forward to continuing the story later on. Starting with these men again will be a treat too.

(originally written on 3/27)

[disorganizedkitten]

I'm Literally Right Here

Miraculous Ladybug | 2018 | 951 | Ao3

Alya slipped up, but it led to a rather painful conversation between our oblivious superheroes. And then a story gets told.

“Crap!”

“Rena why-” A flash lit up the area the four superheroes had taken cover in, leaving a very-civilian Alya Cesaire standing in the center.

“Crap. I should’ve seen that coming and found you separate cover. Sorry.” Ladybug winced. “Trixx, what do you eat?”

“I’m not in the mood for anything particular. Tikki’s snacks always look good though.”

“Right. I’m gonna sneak out and see what I can find. Carapace, Chat, stay here and keep an eye on her, okay?”

“I’m not a kid Ladybug! I-”

“I know you can help without an active Miraculous, but right now, we need to rest and recoup. Stay. ” Ladybug yanked her Yo-yo and flew up and out of sight.

Carapace slumped down against a wall, pulling his hands over his face. “Alya, I swear, if you climb up that fire escape-” Carapace didn’t finish, deciding to just let her know he knew her plan.

“Fine. But like, we are not to speak of this having ever happened, and we are not going to question Ladybug’s decision to give me a Miraculous. Okay? I’ve stopped actively investigating you guys, despite what it the Ladyblog says, and I’ve followed the rules, the entire time. Understood?”

“Good with me,” Carapace replied, pointedly not looking at his girlfriend. “I’d give myself a heart attack if it is brought up again.”

“And if I’m curious?”

“Chat Noir I swear if you don’t stop pestering her,” Carapace threatened.

“No, no, Carapace it’s fine. I guess with how many questions I would have if like, Ladybug ended up being Mylene or something, it should be allowed. But if I don’t like the question I won’t answer, okay?”

“Deal.”

“Okay. Number one; Why do you think LB chose you first? I mean, you’re awesome and all, but as the person behind the Ladyblog, it’s a big risk. What did you do to convince her you were trustworthy?”

“I wish I knew! I wonder about it all the time, but I can’t come up with anything! Maybe I passed a secret test?”

“What if she knows you in real life?”

“Nope. No way. I’d know if she did.”

“So secret test? I dunno. Ladybug and I had to pass one, but that was almost half a day before we were actually needed. I don’t think she’d have time to test you in half an hour.”

Alya stopped to think. “Maybe it’s because of how often I’m involved in Akuma attacks? I mean, I try to be helpful nowadays.”

“Maybe. I still think she knows you as a civilian and trusts you because of that.”

“Fine. Let’s say for a moment Ladybug is, who in my life would she be?”

Carapace raised his head to look at the two superhero fanatics as they gasped. Why-

“Nino!”

Carapace slammed his head back into the wall. Why? Why? Whyyyyyyy? Why him of all people? Why? “Dudes! What even?”

“It makes sense though Carapace! Nino knows be better than anyone other than Marinette! And obviously she’s not Ladybug, and Nino is like super chill and can work with anyone but Mnsr. Agreste and Chloe.”

Laughter started up above them, and all three watched as Ladybug slipped off the roof, laughing her head off. “Did you actually just say what I think you did?”

“Yes we did, Nino.”

Ladybug tossed something at Alya, before dropping to the ground laughing. “Nino? Nino? Oh my gosh!” She moved over to sit beside Carapace, obviously enjoying his pain and the other two’s cluelessness.

“Guys! Nino’s a Dude! Ladybug’s not!”

“Genderfluid is thing.”

“Based on whether or not a Miraculous is active?”

“Probably not. Darn it! Wait, LB! You’re here now! Why’d you pick me as Rena Rouge?”

Ladybug choked, grabbing Carapace’s shoulder with a painful vice grip. “What?”

“Ladybug, Dudette, I need my arm to not be dislocated.”

“Sorry Shells.” Ladybug looked between the other two in disbelief. “You want me to tell you why I picked Alya as a superhero?”

“Yes.” They answered in unison.

Ladybug’s demeanor changed in an instant. All humor drained from her face, and she curled in on herself ever-so-slightly.

“Fine. If you really want to know, Alya was my first choice, because she’d been in line for one since Stoneheart.”

“What?” Alya’s voice was scarily low,

“When the butterflies started taking people over, I thought I had doomed Paris. I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, or at all really, and I rejected my Miraculous. I put it back in the box, and decided to find someone else who could probably pull it off better. There were rumors of a new girl standing up against Chloe, and I decided to check it out. I enlisted a couple people to check your opinion on being a superhero, and then I dropped the earrings into your bag when we passed in the halls between classes.

“I thought that was that. You’d make a good hero, and you wouldn’t mess up.”

“Except, I never got the earrings.”

“No, you didn’t. You ran off without your bag, and when I found a panicking Marinette running around, and found you and Chat losing the battle, I stopped thinking. I put them back on, not planning on keeping them, but planning to clean up my mess.

“Then, after the confrontation with Hawkmoth’s head, and Stoneheart, and talking to Chat, I didn’t take them off again. But I still knew, in my bones if not my head, that you were a hero at heart. Even without a Miraculous you were. Of course I went straight to you when I needed backup.”

No one said anything for a moment, and then Alya rushed at Ladybug, and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you.”

[jaxthejaguar]

went to make a meme about how being pan/hyper is suffering but tossed it in the garbage

[CW: discussion of SA, discussion of hypersexuality]

so it was gonna be like

Panel 1: "What People Think Being Pan/Hyper Is Like" and it's just a still shot of scout saying "We both got buckets of chicken, wanna do it?" Panel 2: "What Being Pan/Hyper Is Actually Like" and it's a "scout becomes uncanny" face surrounded by the intrusive thoughts & psychological torture i put myself through on a daily basis, especially when i'm around lots of cute & awesome people that i'm already close to

i scrapped it for being way too self-deprecating, for minimizing the hypersexual experience of others, and for coming off as kind of creepy. i find difficulty even identifying as "hypersexual" because many who are see it as a negative label, one that they have because of trauma or SA or anything like that. and that's not me -- i'm just whatever the exact polar opposite of asexual is. sex and physical intimacy help me build emotional bonds with people, i'm a very sex-positive person overall, and honestly, i just love physical touch even if it's not in a sexual context at all.

i know other people with autism spectrum disorders are touch-averse, or even sex-averse. i ended up not making the meme because i don't want to make my experience sound universal. honestly, i feel many who identify as hypersexual... kinda wish they weren't. and i understand that. especially if it comes from a place of trauma. basically, i want the things i make to be associated with positivity and to help people be more proud of who they are. making a meme from a place of shame isn't exactly a great look.

and i'm not ashamed of who i am! i'm not about to say it's been a wonderful experience though! i still have a lot of difficulty forming basic connections simply because... well, every single person i meet who's around my age is someone i could theoretically be a partner with. and a statistically insignificant percentage of people i meet feel that same way about me. it leads to awkwardness / betrayal of trust / etc if people think i just see them as a sex object. which i don't!! not to anyone!! and that's kind of the problem!!

i dunno. kinda entering the "Living My Truth" phase of my life. and part of that truth is that i am pan/hyper, and living that truth means that i'm going to make people uncomfortable and not want to be friends with me. i guess i have to live with that. i have so many people in my life that accept my identity, and they know i'm not actively going up to people and saying... "Hey... we both got buckets of chicken..."

[covenlegacy]

Are you also getting rid of the attraction to the guy you like at work or in the neighborhood? There is no difference between this.

To me it is a difference because guy from neighborhood is more.. ,,real" option. It's not like zero chances for relationship then. But yeah, I usually wait till it will pass because I know it's not returned. My whole love life is some weird and also toxic guys hitting on me and me avoiding them or it's me crushing on someone who's very different from me, who has the features that I wish to have. Jungkook is from the same pattern. I always crush on rebels with unique style who are confident and bold. Why? Because I suffer anxiety for ages, my individuality was dimmed by my strict, judgmental family and i used to blend with crowd to avoid conflicts. The rural opposite of JK or any of my crushes. But what I mean, no, I'd give it a try with a guy who showed any signs of interest but they never did. Another obstacle are my trust issues and low self esteem after being bullied for ages and two of my crushes actually making fun of my interest in them. I actually talked with me therapist about guts ,,like Jungkook" and.. honestly? I'd think that someone like him would make fun of me if he showed interest in me (not literally JK 😂 so calm tits, others here, it's just theoretical). He kinda scares me. He's intimidating to me because he doesn't seem to give a f. about things, like he never had anything to loose, especially in love and his skills in many things make him have advantage over others. It's like facing Goliat when I'm clumsy myself. And you're right. First method was to avoid it but it didn't work. But bathing in those feeling is not good but I remember when i tried to accept it and admit it and I felt like it's getting more intense again. I felt enamored again when I watched his fancams. It's his eyes.. Whatever. I don't want to go deeper with it and simply watch content with him like nothing happened because then I'll be thinking about him for days again and I want him to leave my freaking brain. 😮‍💨 That's why I assumed he uses some love spells on himself to attract people because it's.. just sick. I guess direct spells take your brain away and you're unconscious of it but maybe he uses some general attraction spells or he wears some talismans to attract love. I dunno man. I want to feel indifferent and I feel i do, like today it's more neutral. Fucks knows what will be next week. Ugh.

Are you really afraid to feel all this because it will be in your head or are you uncomfortable that you are in love with someone? If (well, you've already told your story, so I'll use the available information) your relationship with the guys was not very good, and that moment about the fact that they mocked your feelings for them is quite a painful experience. Are you sure that everything is fine in this regard? Do you give yourself the right to love someone or do you now have "I shouldn't do this/feel this" in all your emotional experiences? Because, as I said earlier, it seems to me that there is a problem with you with yourself. I didn't write it down, yes, because I didn't have time, I'm sorry. You are aware that all your feelings are only yours. You don't owe anyone anything, it's just yours. You can feel and want whatever you want. The opinion of those stoned jerks should not be considered as the only true one. It's wrong.

[detective-jane-rizzoli]

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? They are dead, but we were inseparable, and I loved them to the moon and back. Today would have been their 68th wedding anniversary. ;',(((

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My bff, whom I regard as my sis.

03: Do you regret anything? Oh, don't get me started!...

04: Are you insecure? I am.

05: What is your relationship status? Single AF.

06: How do you want to die? ♫♪"I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all"♪♫ But to answer the question: quickly, painlessly. Dunno, like suck-starting a 12 gauge shotgun or something...

07: What did you last eat? Hot dog

08: Played any sports? Hell no!

09: Do you bite your nails? I do.

10: When was your last physical fight? Who the fuck remembers?... :/ When I was like 12-14, shortly after dinosaurs roamed the earth.

11: Do you like someone? Sure I do.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Nope. After being awake for 20-24 hours, I'm dead.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? I do! With the burning hate of a thousand suns. May they rot in hell.

14: Do you miss someone? I do. A LOT of people.

15: Have any pets? Nope.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Like shit? :/

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? I have. Much more than just making out :P

18: Are you scared of spiders? Not really, apart from some "exotic" spiders I have (luckily) never encountered in my life. (Black widow, tarantula, etc.)

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Each and every minute, or I should say, second!!!

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Fuck rememberes... :/

21: What are your plans for this weekend? "Ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' alive, stayin' alive"

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? No way. Zero!

23: Do you have piercings? How many? Just a standard lobe piercing.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Chemistry.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? I think we've already covered this, but let me reiterate: I do!

26: What are you craving right now? Tranquility.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I have.

28: Have you ever been cheated on? I have been

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? I have.

30: What’s irritating you right now? Everything. Well, almost everything, lol

31: Does somebody love you? I don't think so. :/

32: What is your favourite color? Just one? Duh... Black. It matches everything. :D

33: Do you have trust issues? You're goddamn right I do!

34: Who/what was your last dream about? I don't remember, and honestly, I don't want to...

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? I don't remember.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? I used to, but not anymore...

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life? Huh? o.O I don't know what you're on, but I want some, lmao. My best years of life were decades ago.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? No.

51: Favourite food? Chopped steak with mushroom sauce, potatoes & red wine

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Sometimes I do, though it's irrational. Maybe some things happen for a reason...

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Put on some YSL Opium (FYI, that's a perfume, not a drug ^_^)

54: Is cheating ever okay? It's not okay, but it happens.

55: Are you mean? Depends...

56: How many people have you fist fought? Do you actually expect me to remember each and every physical fight as a child? o.O

57: Do you believe in true love? I kind of do...

58: Favourite weather? Oh, those typical gray, gloomy (but NOT rainy!!) november days. Cool but not cold (shaken, not stirred) ^_^

59: Do you like the snow? I don't.

60: Do you wanna get married? Nope. Besides, who would put up with me anyway? :P

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? It would be cute, I guess... Lol

62: What makes you happy? I'll pass on that one.

63: Would you change your name? In a heartbeat.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? No.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? All kinds of questionable, naughty things. :P

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I do.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? A cashier.

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? My bff

69: Do you believe in soulmates? I don't.

70: Is there anyone you would die for? Right now? I don't think so...

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[evelynndecipio-blog]

June 16, 2020

Evelynn, Hi there! Um, funny story about being away... I kind of feel like I just... disassociated for a while. You know what that's like? It was almost like... I dunno... It was kind of nice to be on my own for a bit, just mentally prepping myself for anything, like. The ball was pretty crazy, and don't mention it. I would have never forgiven myself if I didn't help people. I guess that's the latent Gryff in me coming through, cuz-- and I'll be honest-- I never felt like I belonged in this house before. I did end up going back for Philipe, but... apparantly he got spooked by something, and he ended up stinging me, the poor guy. I blame myself. I should have known that perhaps that would have happened. After all, he is a magical creature, and animals are animals. It takes a lot more than just five minutes to bond with an animal... but I'm more than willing to learn. Naw, but the sting didn't hurt for too long... hurt like the dickens for the first day and a half, but after that, it was like having a tetanus shot, you know? Are you doing alright yourself? Evelynn... I trust owls as much as the next person, and certainly they are loyal animals and majestic pets, but they are able to be caught and intercepted. If these attacks get worse and worse over time, and especially if someone were listening to these letters, intercepting them or whatever, I don't know if I'll end up being safe. I'm not saying at all that I know anything about the events going on here; if anything, I'm completely in the dark, being a fellow Gryffindor like you. The best that anyone can do is keep their eyes and ears open and make sure that they don't get in the wrong person's way. I hope that things will improve for next year. I really do like the school, even with its eccentricities and dramatic encounters with many individuals. I've been looking forward to these years for as long as I've known of the world of magic, and it'll take more than just a few unfortunate events to change my mind or force me away from what I love or what I deeply value. Anyways, I hope the rest of the year hasn't been too crazy for you; but considering just how self-assured and strong you are as a person, combined with the fact you're a Gryffindor, you'll go really far in life, I can tell already. Thank you so much for this letter, I really needed someone to talk to. Always wishing you the best in everything you pursue and anything academic you desire to complete or undertake, and I hope to see you next year so that we can get to know one another better. Best regards and always rooting for you! - Piérre Marchonné

[citrus-feline]

Vent

I feel like I knew this would happen. It's part of why I was so nervous about this trip. I dunno. I'm not really angry at anyone. I'm just. Sad. I feel betrayed. I don't have the energy to he angry. I just want to be alone. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna distance myself from that group of friends. Maybe forever. Maybe only a day or two. I'm not sure. But my trust was betrayed and I just need to find my own circle of friends that don't associate at all w the rest of my life. Gonna get drunk and talk to other drunk ppl on vr tonight in an attempt to find something like that.

It stings to know that half of that trip, everyone was keeping a secret from me. They knew it was wrong but they did it anyway. There was at least attempts to stop things from going further but. It still hurts. Am I too forgiving? I don't know. I hate this. I hate how earlier in my life I would so clearly say "yes you have a right to be mad, you were technically cheated on, even if only for a night" but now I don't know anymore. Open sexuality is so fucking scary to me. I thought I would be respected as the monogamous person of the group but I guess not. I'm sorry I don't see sex as a casual thing. I sincerely mean that. I wish I did. I feel like a horrible person for getting upset about this.

I'm just sad and alone and want to get drunk and forget this all happened. I want to talk to people I will never speak with again about nothing. I want to just exist somewhere else for a little bit.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm a deeply flawed person. Maybe that's why this happened. I can't help but wonder how my life with be if this keeps happening. I almost deserve it though, don't I? I'm a really awful person. I can't blame someoje for wanting to fulfill desires that I apparently am incapable of doing.

I regret this trip. I wish it never happened. I'm overreacting and it hurts so bad and I want to scream and cry and complain but I'm all fucking Alone. I'm always fucking alone. It's my own fault. I hate having friends. I never fucking trust them. Even if I try I can never trust people fully. Even the people most important to me. And yet I still feel like my trust was betrayed. It hurts. It hurts really badly. And I feel like shit for hurting. I'm sorry to anyone reading this garbage still. I just don't have anywhere to talk about this except here.

[fadebolt]

Okay, I have absolutely 0 clue what a Zionist is, nor why it's supposed to be bad that Ludeo has paid respects to the Israeli people that have terribly suffered and died recently.

But to say that "at point, I'm too terrified to ask" would be the understatement of the century.

I feel like I'm missing something crucial here, and goddamnit, I really don't wanna end up on some kind of list as a result of my uninformed-ness.

It's probably best if I just won't say anything, and trust that the community knows what it's talking about. It just feels very alienating to see everyone go "Man, fuck these guys!", and I'm just sitting there like, "...yeah sure, I suppose, I really dunno what to think here, but I really don't want to piss anyone off, so uhh... let's go get 'em, I guess!"

But to be completely honest, having an apathy for this sort of stuff is probably for the best. Because we're completely powerless, when it comes to our ability to make an actual difference, while misinformations, half truths, brainwashing and censorships and are running rampant literally everywhere you look. I really don't need that sort of stress in my life, where I'm getting really emotional about stuff that's happening on a completely different part of the planet, while making sure to second guess myself at every turn to avoid getting duped.

It's just easier and better to tell everyone you talk with, that you agree with them, and that you have their backs. It just saves you from so much unnecessary negativity. And not having an opinion to begin with will ensure that you aren't actually lying when you do that. But it does make these situations feel a bit weird.

Sorry for dumping all this stuff, this has just been building in me for a while, and the desire to type it out is especially peaking now (for reasons that I imagine are quite obvious). Maybe it's best if I just blacklist tags, or don't check on the internet as frequently, but idk, I'm always curious to see what my favorite people are up to. And sometimes, they just like getting involved in controversial topics that I tend to stray away from for the sake of my own sanity. But there's nothing wrong with that, it's just in the nature of folks, and is something I'll just have to learn to accept.

(Though if you want to tell me that not having an opinion makes me an evil, then I'll kindly ask you to bugger off. I have many responsibilities, but constantly worrying about what people in positions of authority across the planted are doing is NOT, and NEVER will be one of them. I choose to act kind at every possible opportunity, and that matters way more than whatever ideology I claim to believe in on the internet. And that's a lesson I wish a lot of people would learn)

[trulygracious]

I’m sad and I have no one to talk to. I’m really sad and I have no one to talk to. You know, it always ends like this. I always feel like I’m invisible to the people who are around me and no one is ever going to understand what it is about me that I actually consider important or anything. I feel like I don’t exist if other people don’t have opinions about me, and what their opinions are, even if they’re something in the back of my mind, are important. No one has given me love for being smart, or affection, or anything, not unless it was in some stupid jerk-off sort of way. I just want to die. I genuinely do not want to be alive if all I can feel is this just… pain. You know, it’s constant. I want people to have opinions about me that are good. Confidence. Someone who I know could get it and be like, yeah, you know Marco? I do get it. And I have confidence that you’re doing something important. You know, someone on my side who can, more specifically look at everything I’m doing and have a genuinely mature or detailed or thoughtful opinion about the things that I’m doing or can even think about them. No one can tell me what to do. I dunno. I dunno why I wanna just be told what to do all the time. I don’t really want to. I don’t know. If I go out there into the world and reach for what I want I won’t just not get it; I’m never going to get what I actually want and I’m actually going to be speeding myself away from what I actually want, which is organized love and affection and just respect from the people who are around me. I don’t think they could offer it to me; they’re too uncomplicated for that. But I also want it so bad, more than anything. If I don’t have that I have nothing. It is getting cold, and dark, and I am alone here, with nothing but wanting everything but warmth and light are not an option. Just walking forward and a lack of competence. I don’t know. You know, I could do so much for the people who are around me. I’ve always wanted to do that; go forward with a direction I really trust and respect that someone built up out of some confident, competent direction and I could not be scared of life and make some beautiful things because I’m doing my best job and know exactly what I’m doing all the time. But in that place of exacting detail and divulging enterprise I could be recognized for doing or coming up with all of the things I could come up with; people could be kind, respectful, conjunctive and really know what the hell is going on and know that I can come up with things. But no one can hold my hand for these things which are so beyond me that I cannot portray my expertise over them anymore. I want to explore with a guided hand, a mouth over my eyes which could explain to me what exactly is occurring or going on and what and how and why. I am a greater part of the Earth than people could know. I wish it was simpler than to discover everything myself and get myself killed. I wish I wasn’t someone anyone could marvel at. I want to go outside and never interact with anyone in the water I would have to interact with them ever. Life loses its meaning when you are compromising against all odds, like a fool. Less of me for more of them. I would like to give them nothing until they could give me everything from the world, and then some. I guess that explains why some people are so distraught for me; I want them to act in a certain way that they cannot that actually makes me not just insanely dissatisfied but ridiculously dispossessed from the people who are around me. I could look at these things around me and know I could do great things. That makes me very unhappy, because no one would care. I want someone to care about the things I offer to other people in a mature and competent way; something with an end goal. End me, please. That’s what I’ve always wanted. What am I supposed to do if no one ever actually gets it? The simplicity of the world violates my mind. I am incompetently capable of dealing with this problem. For that I will ____ myself. Just kidding, no I won’t. I’ll just sit here and suffer forever an

d ever and ever and ever and ever and ever like some weird little mollusk in the side of your ocean view. The world cannot cure me of my illnesses, I think. But I want to just have a proper relationship, with anyone; I so desperately want to connect with someone so badly. Just, please, anybody, anyone, please. Give me what little you can. I am a man of no expertise in any of the fields I’m exploring; I just want to perform and do my best and be needed where I am needed. Where I am wanted does not matter to anyone. But, I also want to sacrifice myself to other people, I guess; I would be super comfortable with that but no one has ever actually told me what I should be doing with myself. I’m not that independent, and neither is my brother; I see a lot of my repetition, my naivety and hesitancy and poor due diligence in the things that I want to do, and I’m doing everything quite wrong. I would like it a lot if that were not the case but it’s true. And this leads me to believe that the things that are wrong with me are not just wrong with me, but they’re wrong with my brother, too. This incestuous taste of life. The taste of nothing good but everything wrong with me. I would like it a lot if I could just be the kind of man people could look up to, and I was encouraged to divulge in and explore my ideas or thoughts or propositions with not such a ridiculous amount of resistance and deposition; I am reorganizing everything people are explaining to me in my head, against my better judgement or better good; but it is simply the kind of person that I am when I explain the things that I do to other people. I would like very dearly if that were not the case. I think one of the worst things about being alive currently is that there just isn’t anyone who can interpret or intricately digest the things I have to explain to other people. I don’t want anyone to veraciously have already categorized my ideas and if they have, would be willing to recategorize them in a more detailed or intricate sense. I would hate a parent or a father or a mother who would like to shove their “competent or confident” intuitions down my stomach and past my throat, for this would be more than terrible for me. I would like it a lot if people could just be totally honest to me and detail exactly what’s going through my head and why, and mot be so hesitant around emotions or regarding the fact I’m so unlike them. Why am I so unlike you people? God, that just destroys me. God, if you’re out there, please, send me someone real, who is alive, to look at me and realize things about me and just listen. Please, for one second. Please. Please. Please. Life is so hard for me, God. My consciousness tortures me like no one else. I would like to be set free of this ailment, but not in a scary violent way. I would like to be cured of my diseases and alleviations and be whole again. I want to be a good person, God. And take care of myself. You know, it’s not that I don’t want to take care of myself. It’s that I don’t want to do it under the constant guide or guise of other people and/or their attention. I want other people to be less attentive to me, and I guess part of my solution to that is that other people aren’t going to see the real me until they realize I’m not really supposed to be watched or given attention to; it’s one of those things my dad is really bad at and does jot realize. I do not want to be under his guidance anymore. I don’t want him to sit there and watch me like a hawk, constantly, without limitations. Say anything and everything about anything I do and constantly make assumptions about everything I’m doing. I would like him to stop talking about me to other people. I don’t want other people who I cannot predict making opinions about me based on my dad’s stupid thoughts about me. I just want someone who cares about the things I think and won’t just delegate me to some stupid idea or example because my dad said it out loud. I wish he wouldn’t simplify and decomplicate everything I say like some kind of fervish asshole. He does this in a way that’s so e

asy, simple, and easy to digest and disprove that I don’t understand why he doesn’t just listen to me. Why he doesn’t just take what I say seriously and disallude himself and actually learn properly, competently, how to do things in a much better and more interment way. I would love that so much but he just doesn’t understand, or can’t get it, or want that and won’t get it but it’s so god damn converse either way for me. I just want him to love me and to treat me with kindness and respect so I could relax for once. One time. He’s never really been able to offer that to me. But when he says anything to me it affects me so much because he’s got so much to say and so many things to think and he just bothers me so much because he never knows. He never learns. And you know, I offer him so much in terms of my language and literature or ideas but he doesn’t listen, ever. I don’t know if it’s him refusing to take my ideas at base. I think he’s just not capable of organizing himself or expressing himself in more complex or detailed manners. What should occur is that he explores the world and details things out in a nice way and when things change he can change quite competently and in an intentional and detailed kind of way. But I think to him it’s extremely expensive to change the kinds of things I’m asking him to change constantly, all the time. The price for the expenditure of his competence is extremely high. To turn something into a new idea is so much for him that it’s extremely hard for him to change or come up with new things in a salutary or sensitive way, and he needs more simplified but sophisticated rules and/or ideas or etc so he can break down what he wants into physical parts that work and address his concerns. He’s maniacally simple in that way, but quite complex and fast and deep and mysterious and not really willing to open himself up unless he’s begged to by his knees. I hate him. I’m not going to beg to you, you stupid fucking bitch. ____ yourself. Well, don’t actually ____ yourself, I’m just mad, sorry. Everything hurts and I’m tired and do not want to be alive, you know? Bleh. Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh. Blegh. Anyways, I guess his ability to change is just very simple. But he’s hurt me in so many ways because he refuses to even open himself up to the idea that I’m competent- very competent- and can be successful in so many god damn ways. He just doesn’t get it. And I want to just stop giving him chances but I don’t know how. I want to fix him, so he stops doing everything incorrectly and disorienting everything that I think about in such a way that I’m lacking, seriously lacking, and details are gone and mysterious in such a tensile way that I’m not even here or being myself. I’m not ever here or being myself, because when he’s here he’s always hurt me so it fucks me up or somebody else needs something and he has all of these crude of faux opinions. I would like it if he didn’t have those opinions and could just handle being my dad and some level of competency could come about like roses in a grass bud. (the joke is that that’s very cheesy) You know what else is cheesy? I can’t stop listening to him and I don’t know why. When my dad says something I understand it and it bothers the absolutely shit out of me because part of me just wants to believe him (because of habits I’ve developed) and part of me just hates him because of how he is as a person, and like, those two things can’t mix. I can’t just distraughtly hate everything he does, because if I was to tear him down it would go nowhere- as if it’s ever gone anywhere- and next thing you know, poof, he’s just wild and lost again and out of my control. There needs to be some way to fix this because he makes me madly uncomfortable and distrustworthy but I don’t know what that would be. Life is quite difficult because of this. When he’s around me I get extremely distrustful and angry and fake, false and possessive. I do not trust him very greatly but if I was adamant about this I would be frustrated and angry and fighting with him all the time. And then I would

just leave because he doesn’t understand that one day, I’ll need him to be competent, or he’ll completely fail me, but that never helps. I guess I am just some sort of a machine to him. The death of my mother stroked him like the grip of death. He got hurt by my mother a lot. Not just in his passing but in his dispossession to do anything complex or competent about it. It’s quite weird that this is me and this is me in my body. I’m kind of completely dissociated with a lot of the things that happened around that time. It just never quite connected with me because of on top of all of the complex thoughts I was having there was my dad, also making complex thoughts and trying to fix or make up for the fact my mom died. I didn’t actually feel anything or even care about my mom dying in the moment. And you know… I don’t know what to make of that. I never really knew what to make of it. I knew it was coming. It hit me and I cried because it felt like the right thing to do. And I didn’t know what to do or how to do it or why. I was so confused at the time by this. And then there was all the faux reaction from everybody else in my life. I can’t believe, this girl Novali, told me that, as the very first thing she knew about me when I asked her the question, was my mom dying. Now, I don’t mean to pose that as a pharmacologically suited question but like as in order she told me firstly that my mom had died, my dad lost his leg and my brother was quite autistic. Wow. Okay, cool, thanks. That’s what you know about me? How on earth does any of that make any god damn sense? Why do you know these facts about me? And I’m still so god damn confused about it. Like, how? Whyyyy? That’s what you god damn know about me? Is that what everyone god damn knows about me? Jesus fucking christ, that’s disorienting as balls. We haven’t talked to each other in about 8 fucking years and that’s the thing you bring up to me? Not that it’s wrong. It’s just very shocking to me that you can even conclude that that’s what’s up with me. Like, holy fucking shit. God DAMN, man. Fuck. I don’t want to have these kinds of conversations with other people where I have to bring things up to them that are outside my scope of pharmacological research and reasoning, and such that I’ll need to come up with stuff on the spot to just even barely approach the subject of… my mother dying, my father losing his leg and my brother being autistic, all in one go and in such a way that it won’t activate other people’s habits of being disapproving and bringing other people in like, and actually not bother the shit out of them and make them talk to me like, you know, ohhhhh, you can’t do that Marco, you can’t do that Mint, ohhhh you’ve got to figure yourself out and detail yourself in such a way that you’re confident and successful and yadda yadda yadda- fuck you, that’s what I think about you. Fuck you stupid fucking bitches who think that or apologize to me. I’m so done with people like you that I can hardly even think to come in contact with you, confidently or elegantly or partially even physically because the last time I sat here you’d sit there and waste my time and energy and money and happiness and now you’re sitting here again wasting my time and energy and happiness AGAIN so you know what? I’m done with you and your stupid humbly hosy rosies-and-posies bullshit fucking storytelling negative-head-assholery bullshit. Fuck those fucking people, man. God. My fingers hurt and I can barely even keep typing, even though I’ve got a lot more to say. Fuck me, man. Fuck. God fuckin damnit.

Feb 22 2024

[kurenkutted]

Welcome back to whoever may be reading so hi myself most likely. Do you ever just feel like you’re not supposed to be somewhere or anywhere or just alive in general. Some serious imposter syndrome exept I actually don’t belong anywhere at all I was about to die so many fucking times why didn’t any one of them fucking take me out. By my own hands or being a fucked up kid. I wasn’t even supposed to be fucking born. I shoulda fucking died too not just my brother. I go anywhere and i dont fucking belong I get looks like I should just fucking die and I wish I just fucking would. At least something cuz fuck not even my girlfriend wants to deal with me anymore. I can never make decisions im sorry about being so unsure about myself after getting out down about everything so fucking much. And yeah I’m not over the fact that you were fucking sexting your online “friend” but fuck that fucking hurts wtf and cheating on me? Whenever you were mad at me about just being unsure if you even wanted to be with me. I didn’t stop it because I was in fucking denial about and didn’t fucking think you’d ever do that. When I fucking trusted you. I don’t know why I trust anyone anymore. No one’s good no one gives a shit anymore. Why should I. Why can’t I be fucking selfish I’m sorry I know I’m also fucking brain dead and stupid I don’t want to listen to my own fucking thoughts anymore. All they do is yell at me and tell me how shitty I am of a person a worker a boyfriend and sibling and child in fucking general. Oh I guess I can just veiw life positivity yeah well I tried that and whenever it happens the world is like no fuck you you’re not supposed to be happy you dumb shit. I’m supposed to be fucking dead. I’ve been wanting to be dead since I knew what being dead was. I don’t want to try anymore. This country is so fucked too, I can try and help but I’m so fucking useless whenever I get so depressed and it can happen for months and then I get anxious after that about being depression and not doing anything and worrying about everything then remembering that I don’t deserve a peaceful life why would I?? I might be nice just to cover up the fact how shitty of a person I am. I never do anything good I can’t even think good. My brain doesn’t even fucking work man. Why can’t I just stop it? I swear it’ll be so much easier. It’ll be so much nicer for everyone involved for not having me alive. I can sleep forever and not worry about hearing my brain say shit or having me mess up something else again. I dunno I always say I’m done but I never go through with it. Im a fucking pussy too. I want to go through with it but the medical bills and all that would be really fucked. I dunno I’ll just hit my head a good amount of times till It shuts up or I pass out. Goodnight

[colemonroe]

Cole often found himself embroiled in the middle of some raging, internal battle. Being tugged in different directions by his thoughts and his feelings wasn’t anything new for him, but this situation was one he’d never really faced before and it left him stumbling around, trying to figure out what to do with it– how to feel about it. Did he even have the right to feel any way at all? If he did tune into what he was feeling, was it taking attention off what really mattered: Lyla? Cole didn’t know and perhaps that was why he was piling it onto Nate now– he needed someone to help him sift through all the noise and make sense of it. 

“It ain’t?” He countered, not really allowing himself to see a way in which it wasn’t on him. Somewhere along the way, he hadn’t given Lyla the level of trust or security she needed and that was something that didn’t sit right with him. No, they hadn’t been together and no, he’d never promised her a thing, but he’d never been the sort of man who’d have abandoned her. And he figured it was on him for never showing her that. “That’s part of it,” he murmured. The other part was that Lyla hadn’t known how she felt about him, she’d said as much to him, which in turn only made the razor sharp edge of Cole’s guilt cut even deeper. Raising his glass to his lips, he shook his head, “That’s the thing– I don’t blame her for any of it.” And he never would. It was easy to understand Lyla’s view, he was just sorry he’d never given her a different one. “She had a reason for doin’ everythin’ the way she did.”

Was there nothing he could have done? Maybe, though the wheels of Cole’s mind steadily turned, making him wonder. “Ain’t so sure,” he muttered, sipping at his whiskey again. As for why Lyla had told him now, versus then? Cole wasn’t sure. “I dunno. Musta got tired of carryin’ the weight of it, I guess,” he offered, shrugging a shoulder, “Better late than never.” There was a part of him that was relieved to know– at least now it finally made sense why the air between them hadn’t felt the way it once had. He hadn’t been able to put a finger on when and why their dynamic had shifted, but now after learning he’d gotten her pregnant, the distance made a hell of a lot of sense. 

He fell quiet then, the pad of his thumb running along the rim of his glass while he mulled over what he wanted to say next. There was a reason Cole was letting this cut so deeply and a lot of it dated back to a time in his life he wished he could forget, but couldn’t. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he traced his tongue over his lips, hoping he could somehow coax out an explanation that made sense, but he’d never been the best with words, or summing up whatever he was feeling. “It’s just…y’know, ever since my mom, I’ve wanted to be there– be a safe space for everyone ‘cause I couldn’t be that for her,” he started, letting his hand drop back down to the bartop as he turned to look at Nate, “And every time I fall short of that, I get so twisted up over it.” Maybe it was foolish, maybe it didn’t make sense, but it was what he felt, regardless. Cole hadn’t been able to save his mother, but he’d be damned if he let anyone else fall through the cracks on his watch. “Fuck,” he cursed beneath his breath, a humorless laugh escaping him, “Doesn’t matter,” what he felt, that was. He wasn’t the one who’d had to make a critical decision and carry the weight of it. This wasn’t about him, it never had been and never should be. The only thing that really mattered now was being there for her the way he wished he could have been a year ago, if she’d let him. “Lyla’s the one who had to face this head on, not me.” That fact was something he never wanted to distract from.

Cole's response was in some ways expected, Nate just didn't feel any need to verbally acknowledge that he agreed when it came to whose choice it was, there's just several faint nods on his part, something to indicate he was listening. Bringing the rim of his glass to his lips he takes a long sip, trying to clue himself on what he could say, considering there wasn't much that could be done. It was unfair in his mind how Cole was now left feeling like a piece of shit for not doing what he naturally would have done. Nate knew whoever the girl was would have had a steady support behind her, somebody she could have trusted and leaned on and yet instead? He only imagined it gnawed at his friend's character.

"That's not on you, man," that he couldn't be there and Nate already thinks he knows what Cole's thinking, how it was because he should have made it clear that he was trustworthy enough to come to with any problem, that he was a safe space and so, "I'm guessing she didn't tell you 'cause she didn't know how you'd take it?" Something he felt he could relate to considering he was told he was never told the truth about Hallie's pregnancy because she wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her. Something so fucked up he still didn't understand it, he just accepted it. "Can't blame her for being scared though." Not that he was saying Cole was, the opposite, really, he was just voicing that a potential life changing moment like that for people who were not ready, was enough to shake the waters and have people fall back to what they thought was best, what they were used to. In this case, it seemed handling the situation alone and not telling Cole was best and in every sense, Nate couldn't blame her. He just didn't like the way it made his friend feel.

"Don't want you to be blamin' yourself right now, you hear? There's nothing you could have done." To prove he was there. Nate felt like if that wasn't obvious to start with, then the woman who he had gotten pregnant didn't really know Cole at all. "I know ya feel like shit but this ain't a reflection on you." He could say that with his whole entire heart and mean it, knowing that Cole was not the type to make somebody feel like they couldn't approach him if they were in trouble. That just wasn't who he was. "Why'd she tell ya now?" He wondered if anything had changed for Cole to find out, not that Nate really understood why he wasn't able to find out a year ago, and this just furthered his thought of never really knowing what was going on in somebody else's mind.

[ijustwantagoodurl]

;(

[theminecraftbox]

I really love your Eldritch chats and I’d like to request another por favor if you feel up to it :) perhaps more insight into their childhoods? Who was their guardian/mentor growing up? Did they ever eat dirt as a kid?

/dsmp /rp

(Previous.)

Quackity: Oh, sure, plenty of dirt. Plenty of older brothers to tell me I was doing everything wrong. Don’t get me started on older sisters.

Sam: You never really talk about them.

Quackity: Yeah, well, it’s my life, not theirs, isn’t it? They’re not my fuckin’ keepers.

Sam: I guess not. Sometimes, growing up, I wished I had a sibling.

Quackity: (scoffs) Trust me, they’re more aggravation than they’re worth.

Sam: Well, I had my parents, of course. They had, um, a lot to do, though, so, yeah, mostly my books, I guess. I had lots of books.

Dream: Too bad you never read, “How to Not Be an Idiot”.

Sam: That’s not a real book.

Dream: Sure it is. Prove me wrong.

Sam: (sternly) Dream.

Dream: (mocking) Sam.

(Sam crosses his arms. Dream looks away from him.)

Dream: Anyway. Uh, might’ve had parents at one point, who knows. Don’t remember. It was just me for awhile, I—I learned stuff by trial and error. It was like—high stakes, right. It was kinda fun, to tell the truth. Even getting chased was… yeah. Then it was me and George, then Sapnap. I dunno, it, it was fine. We taught each other. Then we found this place. I found this place.

Quackity: You think it belongs to you, Dream?

Dream: (slowly and clearly) I think it’s my home, Quackity.

Quackity: You aren’t fucking welcome here. Let me make that extremely fucking clear.

Dream: (snorts) Yeah, you’re very—whatever. Very clear.

Quackity: Here’s what I don’t get. George doesn’t want you here, Sapnap sure as fuck doesn’t want you here. So what the fuck are you still doing here? Why haven’t you fucking left already? Take what’s left of your sorry life and just go? You think there’s anyone here who’s gonna treat you nicely?

(A silence. Dream sets aside his unfixed mask with a deliberate click.)

Dream: (icily) Unlike you, Big Q, I don’t give up.

SCORES: 60-61-65 (max 73)