#i dunno. i guess i just wished there was anyone in my life i trusted to see me as the fully complexified and messy human I am

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I feel like the post I just reblogged pointing out the all-or-nothing in how many people interact with their deconstruction of systems of oppression is resonating for me right now with so many different moments in my life where someone decides that because some part of myself has access to some of the levers of control/influence/etc that come with the relationship to power, and decides what that must mean about all the other parts of me that might be explicitly refused access to those same levers.

It has happened in so many spaces/aspects of my life, and it can be so hard to feel safe and seen and trusting of others when that's my chronic relationship to being perceived - half truths and obfuscation.

It doesn't really change regardless of who's doing the assuming either. Like, where they land in relation to systems of power may influence which direction they lean in their assumptions about me, but even that is often inconsistent. Both sides of the equation (those who share my marginalizations and those who exist in spaces of closer proximity to power) will still do it nonetheless.

When I was doing my liminal social identities work in undergrad, this was actually a big part of the conceptualization we explored of traumtic alienation of self as individual from self as collective, and what it can do to people to exist in this liminal relationship with your environment and the people in it. As I'm starting to gather my thoughts about my stress modeling, this conceptualization is bubbling back to the surface. I'm finding myself meandering through it on both a path specifically my own, and in an effort to better understand what other paths may be available to people during their version of the process/experience.

Selfhood is so fragile, and so in need of balance between self-construction and co-construction for us humans, and that gives us so many beautiful, even spiritual, experiences of meaning making and generativity of self. It also createa many pivot points where we may find room in our path for vulnerability or blurring of self. As much as these pivot points can be distressing, I think they also sometimes become our foundations of change/personal evolution, when we find that through the distress of existing in shift, something meaningful is occurring or observable in our experience of self-in-transition.

I think something I've valued especially about my own relationship with self is its transience. It doesn't always end up somewhere I would be happy to sustain, but it always allows me a degree of comfort in complexity that I think has made my body-mind a safer place for me overall.

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Questionnaire

Thank you so much for the tag, @willtheweaver!!! (here)

MY QUESTIONS WERE:

Is there anything that would make you lose trust in others?

Do you think anyone could love you?

If you could relive one day, which one would it be?

YOUR QUESTIONS ARE:

Where is your favorite place in the world?

What food do you hate the most?

Do you like watching sunsets or sunrises?

The characters answering will be Corah and Scarlet from Of Starlight and Beasts, Renn from my still-unnamed fairytale fantasy WIP, and Sam Delaways from Enchanted Illusions!

1. Is there anything that would make you lose trust in others?

Corah - Betrayal, abandonment and dishonesty are pretty far up on the list, along with unwarranted cruelty, people who like to make others feel uncomfortable, or those with a just generally jerkass attitude.

Scarlet - Finding out that person works for the King, or is too buddy-buddy with the constabulary in the city usually sets off all of my alarms all at once. I also cannot stand cowards, liars and people who cannot be trusted to hide a secret.

Renn - Hmm. I guess that being lied to or used by someone tends to be what breaks the deal, but I also lose trust in people who are too indecisive, or whom I know would choose the set laws and rules over the wellbeing of individuals.

Sam - Trust is important, alright, but it ain't more important than staying safe. I tend to give people a lot of chances before fully losing all trust in 'em. I think what would make me lose trust really fast is finding out someone is sadistic or cruel to innocent people, or discovering someone I trusted had intentionally hid something important from me.

2. Do you think anyone could love you?

Corah - ... I sure hope so? Haha. Asking the hard hitting questions, are we now? But on a serious note, I think that almost anyone who is good - or willing to become good through effort - deserves love. I strive to be a good person and help others whenever I can - I just hope this is enough...

Scarlet - Yes, absolutely! I am a delight to be around. I think. I have lots of friends, and my sister and I have a really close bond. The love for one's family is one of the most special ties in the world, and I wouldn't ask for anything more.

Renn - I think so, if they ever get to know me beyond what the rumors and scare stories of the villagers will have you believe. Most don't. I don't really care - but some days I just wish more people gave me a chance.

Sam - Yep. I have two little brothers who say that I'm their hero! While in my opinion that is very flattering on its own, I'm very thankful to have them both in my life, despite most things not going as planned. Don't know what I would do without 'em.

3. If you could relive one day, which one would it be?

Corah - The day I met Arammys. I know its two days before my whole life was thrown upside down, but that day was perfect. Not only was it the day I met my closest friend, and current boyfriend, but everything was so perfectly normal - almost like everything was going to go exactly as I expected. Turns out they didn't, but that's not the point.

Scarlet - The day I taught Nimwen how to shoot the bow and arrow, and I stole a cherry cake from a shop in town that lasted us two whole days. That was a pretty great day given our standards. I'd love to relive it.

Renn - Hmm. The days before my Dad went on the voyage that got him killed. Before I had to figure out how to survive alone away from our land and villagers with torches and pitchforks became the biggest threat to my way of life. We were happy, and I was just a little kid having the time of my life with a parent cared about me. That was great! Or used to be.

Sam - I dunno. Days are all pretty similar in Strystead - an endless grind of work, survival and learning to stay out of trouble. My happiest moments are the ones where I get to just spend free time with my little brothers without having to work myself to the bone in the factories. Those days are rare though, and will likely keep getting rarer - because the Mayor sure ain't about to pay working folk a proper salary, but that's a whole other issue.

Tagging: @illarian-rambling, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @littleladymab, @little-peril-stories, @oh-no-another-idea, @rickie-the-storyteller, @lassiesandiego, @thepeculiarbird, @eccaiia, @late-to-the-fandom, @diabolical-blue, @writernopal, @mk-writes-stuff, @tabswrites, @winterandwords, @frostedlemonwriter, @clairelsonao3, @autumnalwalker and OPEN TAG

[vampiromano]

okay uhhhh all my thoughts are scrambled so this is just kind of midnless yapping. about. stuff

1. okay so the king is. yeah idk why I trusted him when I should've logically understood that the guy has absolutely no idea about the previous convos we had. it does make me wonder whether I could've changed his mind by asking EVERYTHING and gifting him th flower all over again but. I doubt it. why would he change if this is all he has y'know. and if his literal god sorta told him he was doing what he had to.i dunno he's very interesting and I'm actually looking forward to the next fight

2. also looking forward to my next chat with loop. gotta wonder what they'll have to say about the guy who was so desperate to be understood thry Wished to get another self to talk to. I'm not sure it's gonna be the chat that gets me to The Reveal Of Loop's Identity as Siffrin2 or whatever BUT it's certainly heading that way if it isn't.

or maybe not! they're fun like that.

3. colours!!!!!!!!! nothing more to add just Colours.

ACTUALLY definitely something to add. did the same thing that happen to colours happen to the island????? is that it???????? will it be explained????? i really doubt it'll be explained. alas.

4. How Does Loop Feel About Their Home Country No Longer Existing. do they feel like Siffrin? or are they avoiding it the way Siffrin was for a while? are they detached bc now it's technically not theirs (assuming they're Alternate Siffrin and not Future Siffrin, bc I don't think Future Siffrin would make that much sense? okay maybe. some sense but. idkkkkk)? LOOP I NEED TO LOOK INSIDE YOUR BRAIN

5. Isabeau is soooo perceptive I luv him. my aversion to the crush has gotten slightly better the more Siffrin is reciprocating it and the less I'm thinking of Siffrin as Guy I'm Playing As (the more I think of them as A Character and not An Avatar, is what I mean). so I'm growing to appreciate him a lot more he's my fave guy. truly so cool. I get him. if nobody got me I know my man isabeau got me. he's my best friwnd.

6. fuck okay where was i. anyway everyone's reacting differently the more time passes and I think it's bc Siffrin is having such an astronomically bad fucking time it's transcending time. i feel like if I were in a room with them I'd just DIE I'd just say fuck this stupid baka life and drop to the ground and never move again from how rancid their vibes are. Siffrin is having the worst time anyone's ever had and I feel so sorry for him I hope I can at the very least lead him well enough he'll TALK to ANYONE(other than loop) about ANYTHING or else.

(I feel like talking to Loop is not very helpful bc Loop is just THEM but WORSE. like they already had their worst life. I don't think much good can come from talking to the version of yourself that DEFINITELY had it bad as well and seemingly BECAME A FUCKING STAR about it. idk. I'm rambling. I need to know more about Loop I need to help them also. I hope they get a happy ending with my Bones.)

7. Odile my best friend Odile is ALSO being very perceptive but she's kinda scary about it. either way I hope god do I HOPE she'll be the first to figure the loops out. or SOMETHING. bc I need Siffrin to talk to her about them I need to know what she THINKS.

8. irks me that nobody ever mentions that Siffrin poses for the picture!!! they're literally smiling!!!! every time!!!!! anyone say anything please!!!!!

9. Siffrin cut himself on glass. I was surprised! not sure it's quite self harm yet bc it didn't seem intentional BUT I have a feeling we're heading down that route!!! which is interesting!!!!!! they're certainly very self loathing and quite safe of Proper Death. idk. need to keep playing I guess.

10. Messi❤️

11. anyway yeah that's it I've got a lot of thoughts I hope someone found them mildly amusing at least!!!!

[revserrayyu]

2.1 Penacony thoughts [part1]

**Mild spoiler warning** until the first moment we switch to Aventurine’s POV in the story and I don’t think much has happened yet, but if you haven’t reached that point yet, then turn away anyway if you wish I’m just gonna ramble a bit here and toss my thoughts into the void for my own reference.

Firstly, the return of the odd yellow text and Aventurine calling us ~fuh-riends~ in that hilarious and exaggerated tone of his.

Makes me wonder whom else has perished during their time in Penacony, and if it’s true, then the Family certainly has experience with covering such things up which raises many other concerns. Also gives me another reason to not fully trust Sunday.

Oh teehee~ We got Aventurine’s number. And some extra credits due to my responses, HA. sugardaddy

As we learned from a beautifully animated dance animation, Black Swan certainly knows how dangerous Acheron can be.

he whole flashback with Duke & Acheron was pretty good. It at least gives us more context rather than us being told he was killed offscreen, but still confirms the dude is dead, though he mentions the kids are alive, somehow. Duke also guessed that Acheron’s an Emanator (though he’s wrong about which path), then there was some important music box that gets brought up later on, and Acheron speaks of her sword that has indeed been sheathed this entire time, even during the 2.0 story.

At the very end of the scene it fades to black and Acheron full says: “May death be the end of your boundless dream, guiding you back to the waking world,” which I remember is the exact thing she said after witnessing Firefly’s death.

Sweetie, you’re a big mystery but it does not surprise me in the slightest to learn that you’re wanted by the IPC after witnessing your power in your many trailers. Hearing her speak about the Stellaron Hunters though made me think back to her character trailer, since I wondered if she even knew who was attacking her in the first place, but perhaps she did, even if the trio was nothing but Sparkle’s tricky illusions.

It was kinda funny seeing her get lost occasionally in the hotel during the previous story update, but now I feel bad knowing that she has horrible memory. Having to rely on your emotions seems quite challenging if you don’t have a good control of them, but she seems to be fairing well enough.

Tell us your suspicions Acheron! I mean, I have my guesses as well, but I’d take your word over anyone else’s.

It was at this moment where I had a real random idea and thought, “huh, could this be Boothill?” I found it strange how they revealed him to us when we haven’t even met the dude in game yet, like he really came in outta nowhere for me. But seeing Sam again and realizing how both of them have robotic bodies.. I dunno. I thought it could’ve been an extra set of armor or something.

Of course it makes no sense, since Sam & Boothill have different voice actors anyways, but still, the way Acheron speaks so familiar to him, as if they were both truly galaxy rangers, gave me second thoughts for just a brief moment. Nothing more. Just a small silly idea.

The return of the worrisome red text, capable of causing anxiety even through such a small word. With her horrible memory, I assume she’s not even sure what she’s supposed to be doing in life, so asking about Elio’s script and if she’s included made me think she’s trying to learn about her purpose and her own goals.

Say it loud, mom! We shall NOT. TRUST. ANYONE! And at this moment I seriously don’t. If they ain’t from the Express then you’re sus. Case closed.

Glad to see Danny boy lending us a helping hand from the train, but red text begone! First learning about how Acheron has terrible memory and now we can’t even remember her well? That can’t be good.

I firmly believed that if you die in the dream, you would just wake up in real life, so thank whatever Aeon you fancy that we’re finally getting the idea to head back into reality to confirm if Firefly and Robin are still alive. Maybe we should check up on those couple npcs that passed away during side quests too.

The way I held my breath.. I don’t even know much about HI3 but I’m aware our grandpa is more or less the same guy, so seeing him interact with some like Acheron, oh dear. The way Acheron still didn’t reveal her true name to him made me more wary too. I get she might not even remember, because poor memory, but hmmm.

I can understand her having some Stellaron Hunter knowledge because she’s wanted just like them, but ma’am why do you know this?? especially since the Family doesn’t even know the truth about Welt’s cane apparently.

Can’t lie, a fight between him and Acheron would be a spectacle. Who do you think would win?

Again, how does she know this? Has she been chatting with Aventurine? because he figured out our stellaron last patch too.

First thought: yay, she’s worried about us. Second thought: why would she be concerned about Black Swan? Shouldn’t it be the other way around after their dance? Third thought: What exactly is Black Swan capable of and how frightened should I be right now? Fourth thought: Acheron, why do you know so much about others??

So this music box.. why exactly does Black Swan have it now? Didn’t Acheron snatch it from Duke Inferno? Was she planning to give it to BS, or did memokeeper steal it off her? I dunno.

Is it me or does it feel like she’s talking to someone else? Another memokeeper? Or just to herself for dramatic effect? Either way, who exactly are we expecting to show up?

I honestly was getting a bit creeped out during this scene, from the weird camera angles the game was giving is to seeing Black Swan not understand what was going on or who was speaking to her. I actually started fearing for her life and I made a stunning realization that if they killed off BS I would actually freak out. Surprisingly, I wasn’t too upset over Firefly (we didn’t spend much time with her), but it feels like we’ve know BS for longer you know? Ever since that trailer about all the Aeons.

I can hear Luocha somewhere in the distance going “the dead return!” I tease, but actually hearing one of those from Ever-Flame Mansion call out to BS was a bit confusing? Duke said his kids were alive, sure, but BS is looking at past memories attached to the music box, right? So I’m still a bit on the fence regarding who out of the kids are actually alive. Maybe some, maybe all. Maybe I’m being played for a fool and thinking about it too much.

How many of y’all got excited to see Ratio interact with Aventurine again? I know you people are out there. Anyways, hearing about how Robin had a stand-in leads me to believe her death was planned, which would upset me greatly because what did that precious lady ever do to anyone??

It’s crazy this man has actually tried several times to end himself inside the dreams, like bro what if you actually succeeded?? At least this shod bring us some relief that Firefly and Robin are okay? Hopefully? I’ll believe when I see them.

I freakin' knew there was something wrong with her voice!! The first couple times we meet her you can tell her voice sounded off, like it was glitching out or something. It’s not very easy to hear, but the difference between the real Robin and Sparkle impersonating Robin towards the end of the last patch sounded different. No wonder Sunday picked up on Sparkle’s trick so easily.

Soooo, that’s pretty much everything I went through after the update hit. Unfortunately it isn’t much but adulting is a drag. Of course I’m looking forward to continuing the story later on. Starting with these men again will be a treat too.

(originally written on 3/27)

[disorganizedkitten]

I'm Literally Right Here

Miraculous Ladybug | 2018 | 951 | Ao3

Alya slipped up, but it led to a rather painful conversation between our oblivious superheroes. And then a story gets told.

“Crap!”

“Rena why-” A flash lit up the area the four superheroes had taken cover in, leaving a very-civilian Alya Cesaire standing in the center.

“Crap. I should’ve seen that coming and found you separate cover. Sorry.” Ladybug winced. “Trixx, what do you eat?”

“I’m not in the mood for anything particular. Tikki’s snacks always look good though.”

“Right. I’m gonna sneak out and see what I can find. Carapace, Chat, stay here and keep an eye on her, okay?”

“I’m not a kid Ladybug! I-”

“I know you can help without an active Miraculous, but right now, we need to rest and recoup. Stay. ” Ladybug yanked her Yo-yo and flew up and out of sight.

Carapace slumped down against a wall, pulling his hands over his face. “Alya, I swear, if you climb up that fire escape-” Carapace didn’t finish, deciding to just let her know he knew her plan.

“Fine. But like, we are not to speak of this having ever happened, and we are not going to question Ladybug’s decision to give me a Miraculous. Okay? I’ve stopped actively investigating you guys, despite what it the Ladyblog says, and I’ve followed the rules, the entire time. Understood?”

“Good with me,” Carapace replied, pointedly not looking at his girlfriend. “I’d give myself a heart attack if it is brought up again.”

“And if I’m curious?”

“Chat Noir I swear if you don’t stop pestering her,” Carapace threatened.

“No, no, Carapace it’s fine. I guess with how many questions I would have if like, Ladybug ended up being Mylene or something, it should be allowed. But if I don’t like the question I won’t answer, okay?”

“Deal.”

“Okay. Number one; Why do you think LB chose you first? I mean, you’re awesome and all, but as the person behind the Ladyblog, it’s a big risk. What did you do to convince her you were trustworthy?”

“I wish I knew! I wonder about it all the time, but I can’t come up with anything! Maybe I passed a secret test?”

“What if she knows you in real life?”

“Nope. No way. I’d know if she did.”

“So secret test? I dunno. Ladybug and I had to pass one, but that was almost half a day before we were actually needed. I don’t think she’d have time to test you in half an hour.”

Alya stopped to think. “Maybe it’s because of how often I’m involved in Akuma attacks? I mean, I try to be helpful nowadays.”

“Maybe. I still think she knows you as a civilian and trusts you because of that.”

“Fine. Let’s say for a moment Ladybug is, who in my life would she be?”

Carapace raised his head to look at the two superhero fanatics as they gasped. Why-

“Nino!”

Carapace slammed his head back into the wall. Why? Why? Whyyyyyyy? Why him of all people? Why? “Dudes! What even?”

“It makes sense though Carapace! Nino knows be better than anyone other than Marinette! And obviously she’s not Ladybug, and Nino is like super chill and can work with anyone but Mnsr. Agreste and Chloe.”

Laughter started up above them, and all three watched as Ladybug slipped off the roof, laughing her head off. “Did you actually just say what I think you did?”

“Yes we did, Nino.”

Ladybug tossed something at Alya, before dropping to the ground laughing. “Nino? Nino? Oh my gosh!” She moved over to sit beside Carapace, obviously enjoying his pain and the other two’s cluelessness.

“Guys! Nino’s a Dude! Ladybug’s not!”

“Genderfluid is thing.”

“Based on whether or not a Miraculous is active?”

“Probably not. Darn it! Wait, LB! You’re here now! Why’d you pick me as Rena Rouge?”

Ladybug choked, grabbing Carapace’s shoulder with a painful vice grip. “What?”

“Ladybug, Dudette, I need my arm to not be dislocated.”

“Sorry Shells.” Ladybug looked between the other two in disbelief. “You want me to tell you why I picked Alya as a superhero?”

“Yes.” They answered in unison.

Ladybug’s demeanor changed in an instant. All humor drained from her face, and she curled in on herself ever-so-slightly.

“Fine. If you really want to know, Alya was my first choice, because she’d been in line for one since Stoneheart.”

“What?” Alya’s voice was scarily low,

“When the butterflies started taking people over, I thought I had doomed Paris. I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, or at all really, and I rejected my Miraculous. I put it back in the box, and decided to find someone else who could probably pull it off better. There were rumors of a new girl standing up against Chloe, and I decided to check it out. I enlisted a couple people to check your opinion on being a superhero, and then I dropped the earrings into your bag when we passed in the halls between classes.

“I thought that was that. You’d make a good hero, and you wouldn’t mess up.”

“Except, I never got the earrings.”

“No, you didn’t. You ran off without your bag, and when I found a panicking Marinette running around, and found you and Chat losing the battle, I stopped thinking. I put them back on, not planning on keeping them, but planning to clean up my mess.

“Then, after the confrontation with Hawkmoth’s head, and Stoneheart, and talking to Chat, I didn’t take them off again. But I still knew, in my bones if not my head, that you were a hero at heart. Even without a Miraculous you were. Of course I went straight to you when I needed backup.”

No one said anything for a moment, and then Alya rushed at Ladybug, and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you.”

[jaxthejaguar]

went to make a meme about how being pan/hyper is suffering but tossed it in the garbage

[CW: discussion of SA, discussion of hypersexuality]

so it was gonna be like

Panel 1: "What People Think Being Pan/Hyper Is Like" and it's just a still shot of scout saying "We both got buckets of chicken, wanna do it?" Panel 2: "What Being Pan/Hyper Is Actually Like" and it's a "scout becomes uncanny" face surrounded by the intrusive thoughts & psychological torture i put myself through on a daily basis, especially when i'm around lots of cute & awesome people that i'm already close to

i scrapped it for being way too self-deprecating, for minimizing the hypersexual experience of others, and for coming off as kind of creepy. i find difficulty even identifying as "hypersexual" because many who are see it as a negative label, one that they have because of trauma or SA or anything like that. and that's not me -- i'm just whatever the exact polar opposite of asexual is. sex and physical intimacy help me build emotional bonds with people, i'm a very sex-positive person overall, and honestly, i just love physical touch even if it's not in a sexual context at all.

i know other people with autism spectrum disorders are touch-averse, or even sex-averse. i ended up not making the meme because i don't want to make my experience sound universal. honestly, i feel many who identify as hypersexual... kinda wish they weren't. and i understand that. especially if it comes from a place of trauma. basically, i want the things i make to be associated with positivity and to help people be more proud of who they are. making a meme from a place of shame isn't exactly a great look.

and i'm not ashamed of who i am! i'm not about to say it's been a wonderful experience though! i still have a lot of difficulty forming basic connections simply because... well, every single person i meet who's around my age is someone i could theoretically be a partner with. and a statistically insignificant percentage of people i meet feel that same way about me. it leads to awkwardness / betrayal of trust / etc if people think i just see them as a sex object. which i don't!! not to anyone!! and that's kind of the problem!!

i dunno. kinda entering the "Living My Truth" phase of my life. and part of that truth is that i am pan/hyper, and living that truth means that i'm going to make people uncomfortable and not want to be friends with me. i guess i have to live with that. i have so many people in my life that accept my identity, and they know i'm not actively going up to people and saying... "Hey... we both got buckets of chicken..."

[covenlegacy]

Are you also getting rid of the attraction to the guy you like at work or in the neighborhood? There is no difference between this.

To me it is a difference because guy from neighborhood is more.. ,,real" option. It's not like zero chances for relationship then. But yeah, I usually wait till it will pass because I know it's not returned. My whole love life is some weird and also toxic guys hitting on me and me avoiding them or it's me crushing on someone who's very different from me, who has the features that I wish to have. Jungkook is from the same pattern. I always crush on rebels with unique style who are confident and bold. Why? Because I suffer anxiety for ages, my individuality was dimmed by my strict, judgmental family and i used to blend with crowd to avoid conflicts. The rural opposite of JK or any of my crushes. But what I mean, no, I'd give it a try with a guy who showed any signs of interest but they never did. Another obstacle are my trust issues and low self esteem after being bullied for ages and two of my crushes actually making fun of my interest in them. I actually talked with me therapist about guts ,,like Jungkook" and.. honestly? I'd think that someone like him would make fun of me if he showed interest in me (not literally JK 😂 so calm tits, others here, it's just theoretical). He kinda scares me. He's intimidating to me because he doesn't seem to give a f. about things, like he never had anything to loose, especially in love and his skills in many things make him have advantage over others. It's like facing Goliat when I'm clumsy myself. And you're right. First method was to avoid it but it didn't work. But bathing in those feeling is not good but I remember when i tried to accept it and admit it and I felt like it's getting more intense again. I felt enamored again when I watched his fancams. It's his eyes.. Whatever. I don't want to go deeper with it and simply watch content with him like nothing happened because then I'll be thinking about him for days again and I want him to leave my freaking brain. 😮‍💨 That's why I assumed he uses some love spells on himself to attract people because it's.. just sick. I guess direct spells take your brain away and you're unconscious of it but maybe he uses some general attraction spells or he wears some talismans to attract love. I dunno man. I want to feel indifferent and I feel i do, like today it's more neutral. Fucks knows what will be next week. Ugh.

Are you really afraid to feel all this because it will be in your head or are you uncomfortable that you are in love with someone? If (well, you've already told your story, so I'll use the available information) your relationship with the guys was not very good, and that moment about the fact that they mocked your feelings for them is quite a painful experience. Are you sure that everything is fine in this regard? Do you give yourself the right to love someone or do you now have "I shouldn't do this/feel this" in all your emotional experiences? Because, as I said earlier, it seems to me that there is a problem with you with yourself. I didn't write it down, yes, because I didn't have time, I'm sorry. You are aware that all your feelings are only yours. You don't owe anyone anything, it's just yours. You can feel and want whatever you want. The opinion of those stoned jerks should not be considered as the only true one. It's wrong.

[evelynndecipio-blog]

June 16, 2020

Evelynn, Hi there! Um, funny story about being away... I kind of feel like I just... disassociated for a while. You know what that's like? It was almost like... I dunno... It was kind of nice to be on my own for a bit, just mentally prepping myself for anything, like. The ball was pretty crazy, and don't mention it. I would have never forgiven myself if I didn't help people. I guess that's the latent Gryff in me coming through, cuz-- and I'll be honest-- I never felt like I belonged in this house before. I did end up going back for Philipe, but... apparantly he got spooked by something, and he ended up stinging me, the poor guy. I blame myself. I should have known that perhaps that would have happened. After all, he is a magical creature, and animals are animals. It takes a lot more than just five minutes to bond with an animal... but I'm more than willing to learn. Naw, but the sting didn't hurt for too long... hurt like the dickens for the first day and a half, but after that, it was like having a tetanus shot, you know? Are you doing alright yourself? Evelynn... I trust owls as much as the next person, and certainly they are loyal animals and majestic pets, but they are able to be caught and intercepted. If these attacks get worse and worse over time, and especially if someone were listening to these letters, intercepting them or whatever, I don't know if I'll end up being safe. I'm not saying at all that I know anything about the events going on here; if anything, I'm completely in the dark, being a fellow Gryffindor like you. The best that anyone can do is keep their eyes and ears open and make sure that they don't get in the wrong person's way. I hope that things will improve for next year. I really do like the school, even with its eccentricities and dramatic encounters with many individuals. I've been looking forward to these years for as long as I've known of the world of magic, and it'll take more than just a few unfortunate events to change my mind or force me away from what I love or what I deeply value. Anyways, I hope the rest of the year hasn't been too crazy for you; but considering just how self-assured and strong you are as a person, combined with the fact you're a Gryffindor, you'll go really far in life, I can tell already. Thank you so much for this letter, I really needed someone to talk to. Always wishing you the best in everything you pursue and anything academic you desire to complete or undertake, and I hope to see you next year so that we can get to know one another better. Best regards and always rooting for you! - Piérre Marchonné

[citrus-feline]

Vent

I feel like I knew this would happen. It's part of why I was so nervous about this trip. I dunno. I'm not really angry at anyone. I'm just. Sad. I feel betrayed. I don't have the energy to he angry. I just want to be alone. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna distance myself from that group of friends. Maybe forever. Maybe only a day or two. I'm not sure. But my trust was betrayed and I just need to find my own circle of friends that don't associate at all w the rest of my life. Gonna get drunk and talk to other drunk ppl on vr tonight in an attempt to find something like that.

It stings to know that half of that trip, everyone was keeping a secret from me. They knew it was wrong but they did it anyway. There was at least attempts to stop things from going further but. It still hurts. Am I too forgiving? I don't know. I hate this. I hate how earlier in my life I would so clearly say "yes you have a right to be mad, you were technically cheated on, even if only for a night" but now I don't know anymore. Open sexuality is so fucking scary to me. I thought I would be respected as the monogamous person of the group but I guess not. I'm sorry I don't see sex as a casual thing. I sincerely mean that. I wish I did. I feel like a horrible person for getting upset about this.

I'm just sad and alone and want to get drunk and forget this all happened. I want to talk to people I will never speak with again about nothing. I want to just exist somewhere else for a little bit.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm a deeply flawed person. Maybe that's why this happened. I can't help but wonder how my life with be if this keeps happening. I almost deserve it though, don't I? I'm a really awful person. I can't blame someoje for wanting to fulfill desires that I apparently am incapable of doing.

I regret this trip. I wish it never happened. I'm overreacting and it hurts so bad and I want to scream and cry and complain but I'm all fucking Alone. I'm always fucking alone. It's my own fault. I hate having friends. I never fucking trust them. Even if I try I can never trust people fully. Even the people most important to me. And yet I still feel like my trust was betrayed. It hurts. It hurts really badly. And I feel like shit for hurting. I'm sorry to anyone reading this garbage still. I just don't have anywhere to talk about this except here.

[fadebolt]

Okay, I have absolutely 0 clue what a Zionist is, nor why it's supposed to be bad that Ludeo has paid respects to the Israeli people that have terribly suffered and died recently.

But to say that "at point, I'm too terrified to ask" would be the understatement of the century.

I feel like I'm missing something crucial here, and goddamnit, I really don't wanna end up on some kind of list as a result of my uninformed-ness.

It's probably best if I just won't say anything, and trust that the community knows what it's talking about. It just feels very alienating to see everyone go "Man, fuck these guys!", and I'm just sitting there like, "...yeah sure, I suppose, I really dunno what to think here, but I really don't want to piss anyone off, so uhh... let's go get 'em, I guess!"

But to be completely honest, having an apathy for this sort of stuff is probably for the best. Because we're completely powerless, when it comes to our ability to make an actual difference, while misinformations, half truths, brainwashing and censorships and are running rampant literally everywhere you look. I really don't need that sort of stress in my life, where I'm getting really emotional about stuff that's happening on a completely different part of the planet, while making sure to second guess myself at every turn to avoid getting duped.

It's just easier and better to tell everyone you talk with, that you agree with them, and that you have their backs. It just saves you from so much unnecessary negativity. And not having an opinion to begin with will ensure that you aren't actually lying when you do that. But it does make these situations feel a bit weird.

Sorry for dumping all this stuff, this has just been building in me for a while, and the desire to type it out is especially peaking now (for reasons that I imagine are quite obvious). Maybe it's best if I just blacklist tags, or don't check on the internet as frequently, but idk, I'm always curious to see what my favorite people are up to. And sometimes, they just like getting involved in controversial topics that I tend to stray away from for the sake of my own sanity. But there's nothing wrong with that, it's just in the nature of folks, and is something I'll just have to learn to accept.

(Though if you want to tell me that not having an opinion makes me an evil, then I'll kindly ask you to bugger off. I have many responsibilities, but constantly worrying about what people in positions of authority across the planted are doing is NOT, and NEVER will be one of them. I choose to act kind at every possible opportunity, and that matters way more than whatever ideology I claim to believe in on the internet. And that's a lesson I wish a lot of people would learn)

[trulygracious]

I’m sad and I have no one to talk to. I’m really sad and I have no one to talk to. You know, it always ends like this. I always feel like I’m invisible to the people who are around me and no one is ever going to understand what it is about me that I actually consider important or anything. I feel like I don’t exist if other people don’t have opinions about me, and what their opinions are, even if they’re something in the back of my mind, are important. No one has given me love for being smart, or affection, or anything, not unless it was in some stupid jerk-off sort of way. I just want to die. I genuinely do not want to be alive if all I can feel is this just… pain. You know, it’s constant. I want people to have opinions about me that are good. Confidence. Someone who I know could get it and be like, yeah, you know Marco? I do get it. And I have confidence that you’re doing something important. You know, someone on my side who can, more specifically look at everything I’m doing and have a genuinely mature or detailed or thoughtful opinion about the things that I’m doing or can even think about them. No one can tell me what to do. I dunno. I dunno why I wanna just be told what to do all the time. I don’t really want to. I don’t know. If I go out there into the world and reach for what I want I won’t just not get it; I’m never going to get what I actually want and I’m actually going to be speeding myself away from what I actually want, which is organized love and affection and just respect from the people who are around me. I don’t think they could offer it to me; they’re too uncomplicated for that. But I also want it so bad, more than anything. If I don’t have that I have nothing. It is getting cold, and dark, and I am alone here, with nothing but wanting everything but warmth and light are not an option. Just walking forward and a lack of competence. I don’t know. You know, I could do so much for the people who are around me. I’ve always wanted to do that; go forward with a direction I really trust and respect that someone built up out of some confident, competent direction and I could not be scared of life and make some beautiful things because I’m doing my best job and know exactly what I’m doing all the time. But in that place of exacting detail and divulging enterprise I could be recognized for doing or coming up with all of the things I could come up with; people could be kind, respectful, conjunctive and really know what the hell is going on and know that I can come up with things. But no one can hold my hand for these things which are so beyond me that I cannot portray my expertise over them anymore. I want to explore with a guided hand, a mouth over my eyes which could explain to me what exactly is occurring or going on and what and how and why. I am a greater part of the Earth than people could know. I wish it was simpler than to discover everything myself and get myself killed. I wish I wasn’t someone anyone could marvel at. I want to go outside and never interact with anyone in the water I would have to interact with them ever. Life loses its meaning when you are compromising against all odds, like a fool. Less of me for more of them. I would like to give them nothing until they could give me everything from the world, and then some. I guess that explains why some people are so distraught for me; I want them to act in a certain way that they cannot that actually makes me not just insanely dissatisfied but ridiculously dispossessed from the people who are around me. I could look at these things around me and know I could do great things. That makes me very unhappy, because no one would care. I want someone to care about the things I offer to other people in a mature and competent way; something with an end goal. End me, please. That’s what I’ve always wanted. What am I supposed to do if no one ever actually gets it? The simplicity of the world violates my mind. I am incompetently capable of dealing with this problem. For that I will ____ myself. Just kidding, no I won’t. I’ll just sit here and suffer forever an

d ever and ever and ever and ever and ever like some weird little mollusk in the side of your ocean view. The world cannot cure me of my illnesses, I think. But I want to just have a proper relationship, with anyone; I so desperately want to connect with someone so badly. Just, please, anybody, anyone, please. Give me what little you can. I am a man of no expertise in any of the fields I’m exploring; I just want to perform and do my best and be needed where I am needed. Where I am wanted does not matter to anyone. But, I also want to sacrifice myself to other people, I guess; I would be super comfortable with that but no one has ever actually told me what I should be doing with myself. I’m not that independent, and neither is my brother; I see a lot of my repetition, my naivety and hesitancy and poor due diligence in the things that I want to do, and I’m doing everything quite wrong. I would like it a lot if that were not the case but it’s true. And this leads me to believe that the things that are wrong with me are not just wrong with me, but they’re wrong with my brother, too. This incestuous taste of life. The taste of nothing good but everything wrong with me. I would like it a lot if I could just be the kind of man people could look up to, and I was encouraged to divulge in and explore my ideas or thoughts or propositions with not such a ridiculous amount of resistance and deposition; I am reorganizing everything people are explaining to me in my head, against my better judgement or better good; but it is simply the kind of person that I am when I explain the things that I do to other people. I would like very dearly if that were not the case. I think one of the worst things about being alive currently is that there just isn’t anyone who can interpret or intricately digest the things I have to explain to other people. I don’t want anyone to veraciously have already categorized my ideas and if they have, would be willing to recategorize them in a more detailed or intricate sense. I would hate a parent or a father or a mother who would like to shove their “competent or confident” intuitions down my stomach and past my throat, for this would be more than terrible for me. I would like it a lot if people could just be totally honest to me and detail exactly what’s going through my head and why, and mot be so hesitant around emotions or regarding the fact I’m so unlike them. Why am I so unlike you people? God, that just destroys me. God, if you’re out there, please, send me someone real, who is alive, to look at me and realize things about me and just listen. Please, for one second. Please. Please. Please. Life is so hard for me, God. My consciousness tortures me like no one else. I would like to be set free of this ailment, but not in a scary violent way. I would like to be cured of my diseases and alleviations and be whole again. I want to be a good person, God. And take care of myself. You know, it’s not that I don’t want to take care of myself. It’s that I don’t want to do it under the constant guide or guise of other people and/or their attention. I want other people to be less attentive to me, and I guess part of my solution to that is that other people aren’t going to see the real me until they realize I’m not really supposed to be watched or given attention to; it’s one of those things my dad is really bad at and does jot realize. I do not want to be under his guidance anymore. I don’t want him to sit there and watch me like a hawk, constantly, without limitations. Say anything and everything about anything I do and constantly make assumptions about everything I’m doing. I would like him to stop talking about me to other people. I don’t want other people who I cannot predict making opinions about me based on my dad’s stupid thoughts about me. I just want someone who cares about the things I think and won’t just delegate me to some stupid idea or example because my dad said it out loud. I wish he wouldn’t simplify and decomplicate everything I say like some kind of fervish asshole. He does this in a way that’s so e

asy, simple, and easy to digest and disprove that I don’t understand why he doesn’t just listen to me. Why he doesn’t just take what I say seriously and disallude himself and actually learn properly, competently, how to do things in a much better and more interment way. I would love that so much but he just doesn’t understand, or can’t get it, or want that and won’t get it but it’s so god damn converse either way for me. I just want him to love me and to treat me with kindness and respect so I could relax for once. One time. He’s never really been able to offer that to me. But when he says anything to me it affects me so much because he’s got so much to say and so many things to think and he just bothers me so much because he never knows. He never learns. And you know, I offer him so much in terms of my language and literature or ideas but he doesn’t listen, ever. I don’t know if it’s him refusing to take my ideas at base. I think he’s just not capable of organizing himself or expressing himself in more complex or detailed manners. What should occur is that he explores the world and details things out in a nice way and when things change he can change quite competently and in an intentional and detailed kind of way. But I think to him it’s extremely expensive to change the kinds of things I’m asking him to change constantly, all the time. The price for the expenditure of his competence is extremely high. To turn something into a new idea is so much for him that it’s extremely hard for him to change or come up with new things in a salutary or sensitive way, and he needs more simplified but sophisticated rules and/or ideas or etc so he can break down what he wants into physical parts that work and address his concerns. He’s maniacally simple in that way, but quite complex and fast and deep and mysterious and not really willing to open himself up unless he’s begged to by his knees. I hate him. I’m not going to beg to you, you stupid fucking bitch. ____ yourself. Well, don’t actually ____ yourself, I’m just mad, sorry. Everything hurts and I’m tired and do not want to be alive, you know? Bleh. Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh. Blegh. Anyways, I guess his ability to change is just very simple. But he’s hurt me in so many ways because he refuses to even open himself up to the idea that I’m competent- very competent- and can be successful in so many god damn ways. He just doesn’t get it. And I want to just stop giving him chances but I don’t know how. I want to fix him, so he stops doing everything incorrectly and disorienting everything that I think about in such a way that I’m lacking, seriously lacking, and details are gone and mysterious in such a tensile way that I’m not even here or being myself. I’m not ever here or being myself, because when he’s here he’s always hurt me so it fucks me up or somebody else needs something and he has all of these crude of faux opinions. I would like it if he didn’t have those opinions and could just handle being my dad and some level of competency could come about like roses in a grass bud. (the joke is that that’s very cheesy) You know what else is cheesy? I can’t stop listening to him and I don’t know why. When my dad says something I understand it and it bothers the absolutely shit out of me because part of me just wants to believe him (because of habits I’ve developed) and part of me just hates him because of how he is as a person, and like, those two things can’t mix. I can’t just distraughtly hate everything he does, because if I was to tear him down it would go nowhere- as if it’s ever gone anywhere- and next thing you know, poof, he’s just wild and lost again and out of my control. There needs to be some way to fix this because he makes me madly uncomfortable and distrustworthy but I don’t know what that would be. Life is quite difficult because of this. When he’s around me I get extremely distrustful and angry and fake, false and possessive. I do not trust him very greatly but if I was adamant about this I would be frustrated and angry and fighting with him all the time. And then I would

just leave because he doesn’t understand that one day, I’ll need him to be competent, or he’ll completely fail me, but that never helps. I guess I am just some sort of a machine to him. The death of my mother stroked him like the grip of death. He got hurt by my mother a lot. Not just in his passing but in his dispossession to do anything complex or competent about it. It’s quite weird that this is me and this is me in my body. I’m kind of completely dissociated with a lot of the things that happened around that time. It just never quite connected with me because of on top of all of the complex thoughts I was having there was my dad, also making complex thoughts and trying to fix or make up for the fact my mom died. I didn’t actually feel anything or even care about my mom dying in the moment. And you know… I don’t know what to make of that. I never really knew what to make of it. I knew it was coming. It hit me and I cried because it felt like the right thing to do. And I didn’t know what to do or how to do it or why. I was so confused at the time by this. And then there was all the faux reaction from everybody else in my life. I can’t believe, this girl Novali, told me that, as the very first thing she knew about me when I asked her the question, was my mom dying. Now, I don’t mean to pose that as a pharmacologically suited question but like as in order she told me firstly that my mom had died, my dad lost his leg and my brother was quite autistic. Wow. Okay, cool, thanks. That’s what you know about me? How on earth does any of that make any god damn sense? Why do you know these facts about me? And I’m still so god damn confused about it. Like, how? Whyyyy? That’s what you god damn know about me? Is that what everyone god damn knows about me? Jesus fucking christ, that’s disorienting as balls. We haven’t talked to each other in about 8 fucking years and that’s the thing you bring up to me? Not that it’s wrong. It’s just very shocking to me that you can even conclude that that’s what’s up with me. Like, holy fucking shit. God DAMN, man. Fuck. I don’t want to have these kinds of conversations with other people where I have to bring things up to them that are outside my scope of pharmacological research and reasoning, and such that I’ll need to come up with stuff on the spot to just even barely approach the subject of… my mother dying, my father losing his leg and my brother being autistic, all in one go and in such a way that it won’t activate other people’s habits of being disapproving and bringing other people in like, and actually not bother the shit out of them and make them talk to me like, you know, ohhhhh, you can’t do that Marco, you can’t do that Mint, ohhhh you’ve got to figure yourself out and detail yourself in such a way that you’re confident and successful and yadda yadda yadda- fuck you, that’s what I think about you. Fuck you stupid fucking bitches who think that or apologize to me. I’m so done with people like you that I can hardly even think to come in contact with you, confidently or elegantly or partially even physically because the last time I sat here you’d sit there and waste my time and energy and money and happiness and now you’re sitting here again wasting my time and energy and happiness AGAIN so you know what? I’m done with you and your stupid humbly hosy rosies-and-posies bullshit fucking storytelling negative-head-assholery bullshit. Fuck those fucking people, man. God. My fingers hurt and I can barely even keep typing, even though I’ve got a lot more to say. Fuck me, man. Fuck. God fuckin damnit.

Feb 22 2024

[kurenkutted]

Welcome back to whoever may be reading so hi myself most likely. Do you ever just feel like you’re not supposed to be somewhere or anywhere or just alive in general. Some serious imposter syndrome exept I actually don’t belong anywhere at all I was about to die so many fucking times why didn’t any one of them fucking take me out. By my own hands or being a fucked up kid. I wasn’t even supposed to be fucking born. I shoulda fucking died too not just my brother. I go anywhere and i dont fucking belong I get looks like I should just fucking die and I wish I just fucking would. At least something cuz fuck not even my girlfriend wants to deal with me anymore. I can never make decisions im sorry about being so unsure about myself after getting out down about everything so fucking much. And yeah I’m not over the fact that you were fucking sexting your online “friend” but fuck that fucking hurts wtf and cheating on me? Whenever you were mad at me about just being unsure if you even wanted to be with me. I didn’t stop it because I was in fucking denial about and didn’t fucking think you’d ever do that. When I fucking trusted you. I don’t know why I trust anyone anymore. No one’s good no one gives a shit anymore. Why should I. Why can’t I be fucking selfish I’m sorry I know I’m also fucking brain dead and stupid I don’t want to listen to my own fucking thoughts anymore. All they do is yell at me and tell me how shitty I am of a person a worker a boyfriend and sibling and child in fucking general. Oh I guess I can just veiw life positivity yeah well I tried that and whenever it happens the world is like no fuck you you’re not supposed to be happy you dumb shit. I’m supposed to be fucking dead. I’ve been wanting to be dead since I knew what being dead was. I don’t want to try anymore. This country is so fucked too, I can try and help but I’m so fucking useless whenever I get so depressed and it can happen for months and then I get anxious after that about being depression and not doing anything and worrying about everything then remembering that I don’t deserve a peaceful life why would I?? I might be nice just to cover up the fact how shitty of a person I am. I never do anything good I can’t even think good. My brain doesn’t even fucking work man. Why can’t I just stop it? I swear it’ll be so much easier. It’ll be so much nicer for everyone involved for not having me alive. I can sleep forever and not worry about hearing my brain say shit or having me mess up something else again. I dunno I always say I’m done but I never go through with it. Im a fucking pussy too. I want to go through with it but the medical bills and all that would be really fucked. I dunno I’ll just hit my head a good amount of times till It shuts up or I pass out. Goodnight

[ijustwantagoodurl]

;(

[theminecraftbox]

I really love your Eldritch chats and I’d like to request another por favor if you feel up to it :) perhaps more insight into their childhoods? Who was their guardian/mentor growing up? Did they ever eat dirt as a kid?

/dsmp /rp

(Previous.)

Quackity: Oh, sure, plenty of dirt. Plenty of older brothers to tell me I was doing everything wrong. Don’t get me started on older sisters.

Sam: You never really talk about them.

Quackity: Yeah, well, it’s my life, not theirs, isn’t it? They’re not my fuckin’ keepers.

Sam: I guess not. Sometimes, growing up, I wished I had a sibling.

Quackity: (scoffs) Trust me, they’re more aggravation than they’re worth.

Sam: Well, I had my parents, of course. They had, um, a lot to do, though, so, yeah, mostly my books, I guess. I had lots of books.

Dream: Too bad you never read, “How to Not Be an Idiot”.

Sam: That’s not a real book.

Dream: Sure it is. Prove me wrong.

Sam: (sternly) Dream.

Dream: (mocking) Sam.

(Sam crosses his arms. Dream looks away from him.)

Dream: Anyway. Uh, might’ve had parents at one point, who knows. Don’t remember. It was just me for awhile, I—I learned stuff by trial and error. It was like—high stakes, right. It was kinda fun, to tell the truth. Even getting chased was… yeah. Then it was me and George, then Sapnap. I dunno, it, it was fine. We taught each other. Then we found this place. I found this place.

Quackity: You think it belongs to you, Dream?

Dream: (slowly and clearly) I think it’s my home, Quackity.

Quackity: You aren’t fucking welcome here. Let me make that extremely fucking clear.

Dream: (snorts) Yeah, you’re very—whatever. Very clear.

Quackity: Here’s what I don’t get. George doesn’t want you here, Sapnap sure as fuck doesn’t want you here. So what the fuck are you still doing here? Why haven’t you fucking left already? Take what’s left of your sorry life and just go? You think there’s anyone here who’s gonna treat you nicely?

(A silence. Dream sets aside his unfixed mask with a deliberate click.)

Dream: (icily) Unlike you, Big Q, I don’t give up.

SCORES: 60-61-65 (max 73)

[rosiehunterwolf]

stuck with you (through bright and blue)

Prompts: Protective

Word Count: 4,400

Characters: The squad

Timeline: Pre-movie movie!verse

Trigger Warnings: Manipulation, Toxic Friendship

Summary: Kai only wants two things: to protect Lloyd, and to give him the best birthday ever. Unfortunately, Lloyd seems hell-bent on making that as difficult as possible. Kai’s always prided himself on achieving the impossible, but dealing with human emotions is much more complicated than beating up Garmadon’s generals or shooting enemies with fire, as he quickly learns. Movie!verse

Read on FFN.net

Read on Ao3

Tumblr work under the cut

“Woah, it looks like a massacre in here.”

At the sound of Cole’s voice, Kai, Jay, Lloyd, and Zane looked up from the map they had sprawled out across the table. Red pen was everywhere, circling different buildings and connecting them with lines.

“We’re having trouble finding a venue for Lloyd’s party,” Zane explained.

Nya rolled her eyes. “It’s not that hard! Just pick somewhere!” She held a hand out, shaking her phone. “We have five days until his birthday. Most places require at least that many to book a reservation. If we don’t decide today, we’ll have nowhere to go.”

“We can’t just pick anywhere,” Kai insisted. “It has to be perfect!”

“Why don’t we just go to the arcade?”

“It’s always so busy there.”

“It’s a Wednesday night! How many people are going to be there?”

“Trust me,” Jay said, “It’s still busy. It always is.”

Cole peered at the map. “Why’d you cross off the movie theater? Isn’t there a new Starfarer movie Lloyd’s been wanting to see?”

Kai shook his head. “Tickets sold out in like five hours. By the time school was over and we got over there, they were all gone.”

Jay frowned, running his fingers along one of the major streets. “What’s your favorite restaurant, Lloyd?”

“A restaurant? Are you serious?” Cole laughed. “We’d get kicked out in ten minutes.”

“Why can’t we just do it at my place?” Lloyd murmured. “I don’t need anything big deal.”

Kai frowned. “Your apartment isn’t that big, Lloyd. And I don’t want to bother your mom with all the decorations and stuff.”

Lloyd shrugged, looking down. “It doesn’t need to be big.”

“If you really want something simple,” Nya said, “why don’t we just do it at the warehouse? It’ll just be us, but there’s lots of space.”

Zane nodded. “That space would suffice. We would just have to ask Master Wu.”

“That is, if you’re certain that’s what you want.” Nya looked at Lloyd closely. “You sure you don’t want to do anything else?”

Lloyd nodded.

“Positive, bud?” Kai pushed. “Because it’s your birthday. We don’t mind at all.”

“I’m fine,” Lloyd insisted, getting to his feet. “It’s just another day on the calendar. Don’t make such a big fuss.”

The ninja fell silent.

“Lloyd,” Nya murmured, “it is a big deal to us.”

“Sorry. I’m just tired. And I’ve got homework. I should go.”

“Lloyd, wait-”

The green ninja pulled away from Kai’s outstretched hand. “I’m fine, Kai. I just have to go. Call me if you need anything.”

---

When they went back to school on Monday, their teachers loaded them with assignments, and Kai didn’t have a spare minute to talk to Lloyd in their shared classes. He couldn’t even talk at lunch because Lloyd had to make up a test. He kept his eyes peeled for his friend every time he was in the hallways, but if there was one thing Lloyd was good at, it was not being seen.

At the end of the school day, Nya texted him to meet up near their lockers. He got there and found her huddled around her locker with Cole, Jay, and Zane.

Kai walked over to them. “What’s going on? Where’s Lloyd?”

“He said he’d catch up with us later, which is why now is the perfect time for party preparation,” Jay said, gesturing towards Nya, who had a fiercely determined look on her face and was tightly clutching a clipboard. “Apparently she’s been waiting her whole life for this.”

“Alright.” Nya looked up from her clipboard. “I’ve already got streamers and gift wrap at home. What about you guys?”

“I’ve got a banner ordered with his name on it,” Cole said. “And of course, the shark tablecloths-”

Jay blinked. “Sharks?”

“Yeah. He loves sharks.”

“No, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong! We’re getting the dragon ones! He loves dragons!”

“Well, yeah, duh, but he’d obviously like the shark one better.”

“Are you kidding? Sharks would remind him of his dad’s mechs!” “Yeah, well, dragons remind him of his mech, which also reminds him of fighting his dad.”

“Totally not the same, plus dragons are way cooler-”

“Okay, we’re going with the Starfarer ones, then,” Nya grumbled. “What about balloons? Who’s covering-”

“I have balloons,” Zane interrupted. “Two hundred and seventy-five of them.”

They gawked at him.

“Zane… why do you have so many balloons just lying around?” Jay asked.

“They are new! In the package! I can blow them up for Lloyd’s birthday party-”

“Shhhhh!” Four pairs of hands immediately pushed over his mouth, silencing him, even though they were the only ones in the very empty hallway.

“No one can find out,” Cole insisted. “This is Lloyd’s special day. We’re not about to let anyone ruin it.”

“Okay, so Zane’s got the balloons.” Nya ticked another item off the list. “What about the cake? I have most of the ingredients to make one at home, but I’m completely lacking the baking skills.”

Cole nodded. “I can bake a cake. What’s his favorite kind?”

“Lloyd likes that Funfetti one,” Kai murmured.

Cole’s nose wrinkled. “I’m not baking a box mix. I can get him the rainbow sprinkles, though, and make a homemade one.”

“Okay, sounds good. Jay, could you pick up some confetti before his birthday? And Zane, we need some fun paper plates.”

“Zane, you should get shark ones.”

“No, dragons!” “Zane will pick out whichever plates he likes,” Nya snapped.

“What about gifts?” Jay asked. “What are you guys getting?”

“I’m not telling you,” Nya yelped. “I have the best gift ever and I don’t want you stealing any ideas.”

“I’ve been setting aside pieces of my allowance for a month,” Cole grinned. “It’s gonna be sweet.”

Jay blinked at him expectantly, and Cole smirked. “I’m not telling you, either, blabbermouth.”

“Blabbermouth?” he yelped. “I can keep secrets perfectly fine, thank you.”

“Oh yeah? What about that time you nearly gave away all of our ninja identities?”

“Or-” Zane added, “when he and Lloyd were working on those surprise mech upgrades and he accidentally said something in front of Kai and Nya?”

“Oh, remember when he spoiled the finale of Cole’s favorite show?” Nya grinned. “Cole was pissed.”

“Okay, okay, so there were a few times,” Jay spluttered. “But those were a while ago! I have many more secrets that I have kept than I haven’t.”

Cole crossed his arms, smirking. “Name one.”

“Well, there was that one time, where I- hey!” He stopped, glaring at Cole. “You’re trying to trick me into telling you a secret!”

“And it very nearly worked. So no. You can’t know.”

Nya shrugged. “Sorry, Jay. He’s right. When you have a secret, you get nervous. And when you’re nervous, you talk. A lot. It would only be a matter of time before you spilled everything to Lloyd.”

“Fine,” Jay muttered. “Keep your secrets.”

Kai jumped slightly as Nya elbowed him, and she frowned. “You okay? You’ve been really quiet.”

Kai shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Is it just me, or… did Lloyd seem like he doesn’t really want a birthday party?”

The others went quiet.

“We’re not going to not give him a party,” Nya insisted. “You know how he gets. He never wants anyone to make a fuss.” Her brow furrowed. “It’s like he still can’t get it into his skull that we care about him.”

“I mean, of course I want to, it’s just… we can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want.” Kai bit his lip. “It’s been a rough past few months for him. I just want him to be happy.”

“We all do,” Cole agreed. “Lloyd deserves a night just about him, for once.”

Zane frowned. “But how are we supposed to give him the party that he wants if he won’t tell us what he wants?”

“Let me try to talk to him,” Kai said. “He might open up more if it’s just one of us there.”

---

Lloyd, in fact, did not want to talk.

He was more open during their classes the next day, and held casual conversation with him, but forcefully avoided the topic of his birthday whenever Kai brought it up.

He huffed with frustration. What kind of kid didn’t want to celebrate their birthday? He wished Lloyd would just tell him what was going on.

He wasn’t going to, though, so naturally, the next best thing was to follow him.

He wouldn’t call it spying- just finding another way of obtaining information when Lloyd refused to give it himself. Besides, he was doing this to help Lloyd, not to hurt him.

Kai jerked himself out of his thoughts as Lloyd nearly slipped from his view. He gritted his teeth, refocusing on him. Lloyd wasn’t an easy person to follow, either.

When he finally caught up to him, keeping a reasonable distance, of course, Lloyd was hovering near his locker. An unfamiliar, dark-haired kid was leaning against it, laughing at something as Lloyd smiled uneasily. Kai edged closer, his frown deepening.

“Where’s the spike head? And the rest of your gang?”

“Kai?” Lloyd shifted. “I dunno. He probably had homework and stuff to do.”

The guy shrugged. “I kind of found him annoying, anyway. You realize no one could ever get to you when your friends were around, right?”

“I guess that’s… kind of the point.”

“You can’t spend your whole life letting them protect you. If you block out any person who hurts you, you block out anyone who could potentially be a friend, too.” The guy smiled in a way that made Kai wanted to chuck himself between Lloyd and the guy.

“That’s… that’s the thing. No one wants to be nice to me.”

“Spare me the sob story,” the guy rolled his eyes. “I know your dad sucks, but at least you have one.”

Lloyd flinched. “Sorry.”

The guy laughed, putting a hand on his shoulder and shoving him. “Stop being so jumpy, will ya? No wonder kids pick on you, you’re as harmless as a flea.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Lloyd blinked. “I can’t hit them back, or I’ll be in more trouble than I already am.”

“You don’t need to hit them, just show them you’re not a total coward! Maybe if you actually listen to them instead of cringing away, things might change.”

“Listen to them? Are you saying they’re right?”

“What does it matter if they’re right? Look, Lloyd, you’ve already got it hard enough as it is, and you’re making everything more difficult. You’d be so much cooler if you actually hung out with important people and not the outcast-losers you’ve stationed yourself with.”

For the first time since the conversation had started, Lloyd appeared indignant. “They’re not- I mean, you’re not-”

The guy laughed. “See? You can’t even get a word out. You’re so pathetic. You don’t even need the fact that you’re Garmadon’s son to get picked on, you already got it all set up for the torment-”

Kai wasn’t aware of himself pushing forward, he just was, and suddenly he was gripping the guy by the collar of his shirt, a pair of wide, brown eyes staring fearfully up into his.

“Who do you think you are and what the hell are you doing?”

“I… um, I…” the guy swallowed, his throat running dry.

“You treating my best friend like a piece of shit?” Kai shook him. “Are you?”

“I’m sorry!” The guy squirmed. “I didn’t really mean it, we were just joking around, he says that kind of stuff to me all the time!”

“Really? Lloyd. Says that. You sure we’re talking about the same person? Because I do not take nicely to liars.”

The guy squirmed harder. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Just please let me go, I’ll never bother you again!” Kai shot him the fiercest glare he could muster. “You better not.” He stepped back, dropping the kid, and he took off like a bullet.

Turning back to Lloyd, he saw his friend was staring at the fleeing boy with wide, disbelieving eyes, but it quickly dissipated to anger as he turned to Kai. “What the heck did you do that for?”

Kai’s eyes widened. “I was protecting you? From a bully?” Lloyd’s eyes flashed, and Kai actually took a step back. “I don’t need you to protect me! I can fight my own battles!”

Before Kai could even say anything, Lloyd was storming down the hallway and disappearing around the corner.

Kai just stood there for a moment, in shock. What was that all about? Hadn’t he done the same thing for Lloyd a dozen times? Why would defending him ever be bad?

A buzz in his pocket interrupted his thoughts. Kai pulled out his phone to see a new message in the chat from his sister.

irondragonfangirl: how r things going with lloyd

MasterofFiyaaaaa: honestly? i think i made it worse

irondragonfangirl: well u better find a way to fix it soon because his bday’s TOMORROW

MasterofFiyaaaaa: yeah i’ll find a way through to him

MasterofFiyaaaaa: i just hope he listens

irondragonfangirl: don’t worry

irondragonfangirl: he will

irondragonfangirl: just make sure u remember to listen to him too

irondragonfangirl: i have a feeling we haven’t been doing that enough

irondragonfangirl: i feel terrible

MasterofFiyaaaaa: yeah me too

MasterofFiyaaaaa: we’ll make it up to him though

MasterofFiyaaaaa: right?

irondragonfangirl: sure as long as cole doesn’t burn this cake

irondragonfangirl: seriously y did we let him bake it

irondragonfangirl: if i dont respond in the next hour just assume his house burnt down and im dead

MasterofFiyaaaaa: can i have your motorcycle if you die

irondragonfangirl: shut up

---

Kai spent an hour looking for Lloyd after their confrontation, but he couldn’t find him anywhere, and Lloyd, unsurprisingly, hadn’t answered any of the twenty-some texts Kai had sent him, either. Eventually, he had to give up looking for him and resigned to speaking to him at school tomorrow.

His birthday.

In the first class they had together, Lloyd avoided looking at him, and Kai felt an ache in his chest. Today was his birthday. He knew things weren’t going to turn out like he had imagined, but he wanted them to at least be better than this.

Swallowing back his nerves, Kai walked over to him, where he was doodling something in his notebook.

Kai cleared his throat. “Um. Lloyd?”

Lloyd looked up, an expression flashing across his face that Kai couldn’t read, but he didn’t immediately leave or turn away from him, which Kai took as a good sign.

“Happy birthday, dude.”

Lloyd smiled tentatively back. “Thanks.”

Things didn’t go immediately back to normal after that- there was still a tension between them, and Lloyd wasn’t saying much more than a couple sentences at a time, firmly avoiding the topic of the previous day- but at least it was back to a level where Kai didn’t feel absolutely horrible for ruining his day. Lunch, at least, got a smile out of him- as well as a bunch of embarrassed blushing as Nya stabbed a candle into his brownie (they couldn’t actually light it, lighters weren’t allowed on campus) and they insisted on singing to him so off-key that Cole looked like he wanted to punch them.

When the last bell finally rang, Kai headed over to Lloyd’s locker, hoping they could talk now that there weren’t other kids around, but he wasn’t there.

Kai relented, pulling out his phone.

MasterofFiyaaaaa: Lloyd? i know youre upset but can we plz talk?

He held his breath, staring at the screen intensely, as if that would make Lloyd respond.

While he was waiting, a message from a group chat popped up.

irondragonfangirl: what’s taking so long jay, we need those decorations

jaybird123: eta 5 mins

jaybird123: i literally just left class how’d you get there so fast

jaybird123: wait you didn’t use the tunnels did you

irondragonfangirl: no me and cole are bringing the CAKE remember?

irondragonfangirl: im not taking that through the tunnel

irondragonfangirl: we didnt spend 3 hrs on that for it to get squished

irondragonfangirl: i told the nurse i wasn’t feeling well so i could go home early

irondragonfangirl: why didnt YOU take them

jaybird123: i couldn’t exactly discreetly smuggle all these decorations into my locker

jaybird123: mmm cake. is it good?

irondragonfangirl: don’t even THINK about it, that’s not until Lloyd gets here

jaybird123: but im hungryyyy

jaybird123: do i need to pick up anything for dinner?

rock’n’cole: nah it’s cool, we just found out lloyd’s favorite chinese restaurant, the Bamboo Dragon, delivers so we’re gonna order from there

jaybird123: my mouth is watering already

ZaneJulien:0xD;): Jay, you shouldn’t text while driving.

jaybird123: tell nya to get off my case then!

irondragonfangirl: exCUSE me zane you are supposed to be putting up those balloons right now why are YOU on your phone

ZaneJulien:0xD;): Why are you texting me? We are in the same room.

irondragonfangirl: why are YOU texting ME

rock’n’cole: would you guys just stop being dumb and come help me

irondragonfangirl: great now you got cole in on it too

rock’n’cole: would you two just GET OFF YOUR PHONES

Kai was interrupted from whatever turn the conversation was going to take next when he finally got another notification.

thegreendragon: ok. you know where i’ll be

Kai blinked, turning towards the doors and pushing through them, walking out onto the school lawn. The main feature was the football stadium, although there were other things as well- large trees, garden patches for the science classes, picnic tables for eating lunch outside, if the weather permitted. And- although the students were too old for recess, now- there was still a small swing set- a simple, rusty thing, with only two swings, but it served its purpose. Sitting on one of them, gently rocking, was Lloyd.

Kai made his way over, sitting down beside him in the other swing.

“So, uh… can we talk? About yesterday?”

Lloyd nodded, and Kai titled his head at him, trying to gauge his thoughts. “Who was that kid?”

Lloyd breathed out slowly. “His name is Brad. He was my best- and only- friend in elementary school, but we were separated when I moved away. Brad’s family just recently moved to Ninjago City, and I… I was hoping to reconnect with him.”

Kai ignored the twinge of jealousy at the words “best friends.” Lloyd was allowed to have other people than him in his life, and things had obviously changed since then, anyway.

“I’m sorry, Lloyd. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, but from what I saw… Brad was being a jerk to you.”

Lloyd shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, I… he’s changed since we were kids. The efforts at rekindling our friendship honestly aren’t going so well. That’s… that’s why I was in a bad mood. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. You were only trying to do something nice for me.” “Don’t worry about me. But this Brad kid… anyone who treats you like that doesn’t deserve to be your friend.”

“I know, I just…” Lloyd sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I was so eager to make a friend other than you guys…” His eyes widened as he processed his own words. “Not there’s anything wrong with you guys, it’s just- I just wanted to actually earn someone who wasn’t friends with me because of a shared occupation.”

Kai elbowed him. “Hey. This whole ninja thing may be what got us introduced to each other, but we’re not friends with you because you’re one of the ninja. We’re your friends because we love you as a person. As Lloyd, not the green ninja.”

Lloyd sniffed, giving him a soft smile. “Thanks, Kai. I’m glad I have you to protect me.”

“You don’t need protection, but you’re stuck with me as a best friend, so you’re going to get it, anyway.”

Lloyd laughed. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

His phone buzzed, and he quickly checked it.

irondragonfangirl: the party’s all set up, now the only thing missing is lloyd. did you get to talk to him?

MasterofFiyaaaaa: yeah, we’re cool now. on our way

Kai turned back to Lloyd. “C’mon, green machine. Let’s go enjoy your birthday.”

Lloyd blinked at him. “Huh?”

“Your party, remember? The one Nya and the guys have spent the whole week planning? Or is there some other celebration I don’t know about?”

Lloyd shook his head. “No, no, it’s just- I thought I messed it all up.”

“Don’t worry, we got it under control.”

“Really?”

“This is our teammates you’re talking about! Stubborn as mules. They’re not giving up on you that easily.”

“I… thank you. Thank you guys.”

“You can tell them yourself. We’re going to this party, and we’re going to have fun!”

---

Kai had to admit, he was impressed with what the others had been able to pull off in such a short amount of time.

It was nothing huge or extravagant, but it was a nice little party, and Lloyd seemed to like it better like that, anyway.

They were barely through the doors of the warehouse when Jay was launching himself into Lloyd’s arms, pulling him into a tight hug, the others close behind.

“Happy birthday!” they cheered.

Lloyd hugged them back, laughing. “Thanks, guys, I didn’t- I didn’t expect all this!”

“Are you kidding?” Nya put her hands on her hips, grinning. “We’re pulling out all the stops for our baby bro.”

Lloyd’s smile briefly flickered to a scowl. “I’m not a baby.”

“To us, you always will be,” Kai said, slinging an arm around his shoulders and ruffling his hair. Lloyd squirmed away, although he was unable to hide the grin on his face.

“Wow, this place really looks different.” Lloyd gazed around at the warehouse with wide eyes. They had pushed aside training equipment to make room for tables and chairs, and green and gold streamers decorated the walls, adorned by multicolored balloons. Someone had plugged a gaming console into the TV, as well as a DVD player next to a box of DVDs- which must’ve been Jay’s, he was the only person Kai knew, apart from Master Wu, who even had DVDs anymore- because Kai still hadn’t been able to convince Master Wu to buy them Netflix on the warehouse’s TV, getting the TV there in the first place had been hard enough as it was. On the far end was a buffet table, filled with rice, chicken, dumplings, and other Chinese staples from the Bamboo Dragon- as well as a beautiful, heavily frosted cake in the center of it all. It was decorated with rainbow sprinkles, making it completely and uniquely Lloyd.

Lloyd’s eyes were on the cake too, his eyes wide. “Cole! It looks amazing! I never knew you were so good at making cakes!”

Cole shrugged, trying to hide his smile. “I’ve had some experience.”

“Hey! What makes you think Cole made it?” Nya sniffed.

Cole blinked. “I did.”

“Well, I helped.”

Cole snorted. “Don’t know if you could call it that. From my point of view, it seems like I was doing most of the work while you were busy texting your boo.”

Both Nya and Jay turned scarlet.

“I was not,” Nya spluttered. “I was making preparations for Lloyd’s party!” “Yeah, yeah, whatever you have to tell yourself.”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions too hastily,” Jay said, turning to walk over to the cake. “The true judge of quality will be how good it tastes.”

Nya stuck an arm in front of him. “Not so fast, mister! Dinner first.”

After laughing, playing games, and eating, they insisted on opening presents. Lloyd was all smiles and gratitude with each one, which ended up sparking a debate between the others about whose gift he liked best.

“He totally loved my gift!” “Nuh-uh! Did you see the way he smiled a little differently on mine?”

“Jay, you literally gave him a book. Why would he be excited about that?”

“Not just any book! A first edition Starfarer collector’s comic from when my parents were kids, and in mint condition, too!”

“Why would you want some dusty old comic when you could have the newest Starfarer video game?” Kai argued. “It took forever for me to find one of these, they were sold out everywhere.”

“Starfarer this, Starfarer that,” Cole sighed. “I don’t understand how he could possibly need any more Starfarer things. The record I engraved for him is way more personable and unique.”

“You guys are thinking about this all wrong! You should’ve gotten him a katana like me, something that he actually needs and uses.”

“Statistically, Lloyd spends more time drawing than any other hobby,” Zane said. “Which means my gift of an art book and new set of pencils is logically the best fit.”

“Clearly you guys all have it wrong in the head-”

“Guys, relax,” Lloyd laughed. “I loved all your gifts equally.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Jay… it means exactly what you think it means.”

“You can’t even pick one gift?”

Lloyd shook his head. “No way. These are all amazing. Thank you, guys. Really.” His gaze met Kai’s for a long beat. “For everything.”

“Of course. But, just to make things clear, you did like mine the most, right? You’re just saying you liked them equally, so that you didn’t make the others feel bad?”

Lloyd smacked his forehead as the others burst into protest again, and Kai shot him a sharp-edged grin. “I can do this all night.”

Eventually, Lloyd got them to stop bickering- the mention of cake got them all quiet pretty quickly- and after divvying it up, they went over to the couch and played the video game Kai had gotten him. He quickly lost track of time, but time didn’t matter. Even if it meant they would be tired for school the next day, seeing Lloyd like this- half sprawled over his teammates, brow scrunched in concentration as he mashed buttons on his controller, hints of frosting on his lips as he tried and failed miserably to bite back his laughter- it was worth it. He looked happier than Kai had seen him in weeks.

For that, he could even contain himself from bragging about how Lloyd obviously liked his gift best.

[ibijau]

Futures Past pt15 / on AO3

Nie Huaisang returns to the Unclean Realm after his failed year in Gusu

The Unclean Realm, usually a noisy place, had fallen nearly entirely silent as most of the disciples and quite a few servants gathered around its gate. They were all careful to keep a respectable distance from the gate in question, in case things went wrong, but still did their best to be close enough to get a good view. Not that it was particularly necessary to be near enough to hear what was happening. Nie Mingjue had a voice that carried, and it only got worse when he was angry at his brother.

Which he currently was, of course, and for good reason everyone thought. After all, Nie Huaisang had just returned from his time studying in the Cloud Recesses, though he’d apparently done little learning there.

But it wasn’t his failure to pass his exams that had his brother so upset. It was more the fact that on the way back home, Nie Huaisang had decided to leave on his own and disappeared for well over three weeks. The other Nie disciples travelling with him had just found a note on his bed one morning announcing that he didn’t feel like going home yet. They had panicked and sent an urgent message to their sect leader, who had also panicked and launched a search for his brother, in vain.

“You could have been kidnapped!” Nie Mingjue shouted at his brother, who had arrived that morning, looking as careless as if he’d just been gone for a shichen on an errand. “You could have been attacked by bandits! Did you even have your sabre with you?”

“Of course I did!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, patting the weapon at his waist. “What was I going to do, walk around?”

“It would have been safer than flying in your case! What if you’d fallen?”

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes. His cultivation had actually improved quite a bit while he was in the Cloud Recesses, if only because the Lans didn’t let him avoid training as much as his brother did. He was even quite close to forming a golden core, something he’d more or less given up on, and for which he hoped he’d get praised, whenever his brother calmed down enough to hear the news. So while he wasn’t the strongest of flyers, he was doing much better than he used to.

Not that Nie Mingjue was in any mood to hear that.

“I was careful, I swear,” Nie Huaisang sighed. “You’re always saying I should be more independent anyway!”

“Independent, not reckless! And who’s that?” Nie Mingjue roared, pointing at the person next to his brother.

That had been the question on everyone's mind since Nie Huaisang had arrived a little earlier, a boy much younger than himself walking at his side, but so far Nie Huaisang had avoided answering.

“Oh, that’s Xue Yang,” Nie Huaisang cheerfully announced, patting the young boy’s shoulder. “I picked him up along the way. You should test him, I really think he’s going to be a great cultivator someday! Xue Yang, that’s my brother, say hi to him?”

Xue Yang threw Nie Mingjue a very unimpressed look, and gave a half-hearted bow.

“It's an honour to meet Nie zongzhu,” he said with some uncertainty, probably wishing he hadn't been so close while Nie Mingjue shouted at his brother like that.

“Huaisang, where did you find that child?” Nie Mingjue asked.

“It’s a long story,” his brother said.

Nie Mingjue nodded, and waited for the story in question to be told. Nie Huaisang just smiled at him.

“Are you going to tell me how you found him?” Nie Mingjue insisted when nothing more came.

“No. It’s a long story, but it’s not very interesting. He’s here now, though, so that can’t be helped.”

Hearing this, Nie Mingjue turned his attention to Xue Yang, as if hoping he might get an explanation there. The young boy just gave him a wicked smile.

“He said I’d get candies if I came,” Xue Yang said. “Am I gonna get them now or what?”

Nie Mingju’s eyes snapped back to his brother.

“Huaisang, did you steal a child by offering him treats? You realise how bad that looks?”

“It’s not stealing when it’s a person,” Nie Huaisang protested, nervously twisting his fingers for a moment before hiding his hands behind his back. “And I think children count as people, not things. Right?”

“Fine. Did you kidnap a child?”

A little embarrassed, Nie Huaisang hunched his shoulder and looked down at his feet without answering. A mistake, it turned out, because Xue Yang took that as his cue to explain things.

“It’s okay, I don’t have a family anyway,” Xue Yang announced. “He asked before taking me with him, to make sure I’m an orphan. And your brother’s nice. He took me to all those nice inns along the way, and every time he made sure I had food and a bath. He said the baths were very important.”

Nie Mingjue glared at his brother who winced because that could indeed be misunderstood. Which was exactly why Xue Yang had said it like that, he suspected. But really, Xue Yang had been in a pretty bad state when Nie Huaisang had picked him up. His hair was nearly stiff with dirty, he’d recently bled all over his clothes, and he had lice, and...

“Fine, I guess I’ll have to tell the story,” Nie Huaisang grumbled. He had already come up with a sanitised version of events that he could actually share with his brother, but it still annoyed him to not be trusted more. “So, I wanted to visit Kuizhou, you see? Everyone says the landscapes around it are so gorgeous, and so melancholic, and they are by the way. I want to go back to paint and write and…”

“Focus, Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue ordered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yes, right. So, I went there,” Nie Huaisang said, playing with the hem of his sleeve. “And I was visiting and stuff, and then I see a grown man punching and kicking a kid! Just because the kid had grabbed a few things from him!”

“Yeah, it was just his purse, and there wasn’t even that much money in it,” Xue Yang helpfully provided. “Well, and a few buns from his stall, and those apples from the stall next to his, and…”

“Shut it,” Nie Huaisang hissed, before returning his attention to his brother, a bright smile on his face. “So, you always say we have to defend the weak, and nobody’s weaker than a kid, so I went to check what was going on, right? And the man told me that kid is a terrible thief that’s plaguing their town, and he’s going to beat him up until all his bones are broken and he can never bother anyone else. But it’s just a kid!”

“Yeah, I’m just a kid!”

“Shut it! Anyway, I rescued the kid, because he really was in a bad state. And then I figured, well, how can someone that’s just a kid be such a good thief, right? So I checked and he’s got good dispositions for cultivation!”

It had been a lucky realisation, because he hadn’t known for sure that Xue Yang even was meant to become a cultivator, nor a talented one for that matter. In fact, the whole thing had been unbelievably lucky. Sure Nie Huaisang had spent three whole days searching everywhere for Xue Yang, but he’d been about ready to give up when he’d finally found him in roughly the exact way he'd described.

“The local sect are a bunch of pricks who didn’t want to take him in when I asked,” Nie Huaisang explained, as if he could ever have left Xue Yang into the care of strangers who might have failed to stop him from becoming evil. “So I brought him home. He’s going to be a great disciple!”

Having listened to that story with mounting annoyance, Nie Mingjue glared at his brother.

“Huaisang, that’s…”

“You always say people deserve a chance no matter their background!”

“Oh so you do listen when I talk sometimes?”

“He’s an orphan, and he’s talented, and someone has to do something, and we can’t send him back or else he might continue stealing maybe!”

“I’ll definitely continue stealing if you send me back,” Xue Yang promised with a smirk.

Nie Huaisang glared at him. Evil or not, Xue Yang knew how to be annoying.

He also knew how to be charming, though. He’d been absolutely delightful with a bunch of people they’d met on the way to Qinghe whenever he’d thought he could get something out of it. And it had worked, too. Xue Yang had obtained a lot of sweets from a lot of people, as well as some money here and there. And that was without mentioning the stuff he’d just outright stolen, sometimes from the very people generously sharing something with him. He was a little pest, all right.

But he was smart too, smart enough to understand what an incredible opportunity he’d been given. It would have been easy for Xue Yang to run away into the night, taking with him all of Nie Huaisang’s money. He was a skilled enough thief to manage it, especially once he’d realised that Nie Huaisang wasn’t a skilled enough cultivator to pursue him. But he hadn’t, because he’d been promised a chance of becoming a cultivator if Nie Huaisang could just convince his brother.

Of course, that was a pretty big 'if'.

A year earlier, Nie Huaisang would have been certain that he could convince his brother of anything. He’d never had any reason to doubt that, not until his future self had come into his life uninvited and whispered poison to him about Nie Mingjue having a bad opinion of him. And maybe he was right, that old prick. Nie Huaisang had messed up so badly in the Cloud Recesses, failing his classes in a way most people never did. He’d shamed his sect, his clan, his brother, and now he had the galls of asking for a huge favour, as if he had any right to…

“How old are you?” Nie Mingjue asked Xue Yang, who shrugged.

“Dunno. I think I’m older than nine, maybe, ‘cause I remember that bad drought we had one year. But old Cheng says I’m probably less than twelve, ‘cause I don’t have all my teeth yet.”

To prove his point, Xue Yang clenched his jaw and bared his teeth. He was indeed missing one canine on the left, while the right one was just starting to regrow. It made for a very odd smile, and yet Xue Yang knew how to use that to look cute sometimes.

Cuteness wouldn’t work on Nie Mingjue though. Years of dealing with Nie Huaisang had made him nearly immune to it.

"What did my idiot brother tell you to convince you to come all the way here from Kuizhou?" 

"He said I'd learn to be a cultivator, and people wouldn't beat me up ever again for stealing," Xue Yang recited. "And he said I'd have to learn to be good and stuff, because it's a second chance for an honest life, and I figured, well, it's better than the streets."

Nie Mingjue nodded, though he still looked severe enough that Nie Huaisang wasn’t sure yet of his victory. 

"We have a certain way of doing things in my sect, and dishonesty isn't allowed. And I'll need to check if you can be taught at all. Come closer and give me your hand." 

Xue Yang, impossibly cocky a moment before, suddenly hesitated and glanced at both Nie brothers before hiding his hands behind his back. 

"Which hand ?" 

"Either one, it makes no difference." 

"It might a bit," Xue Yang grumbled before reluctantly raising both hands. 

Nie Mingjue frowned when he noticed that one finger was missing, but Nie Huaisang took it to be an encouraging frown and finally relaxed. It expressed concern rather than anger, and that had to be a step in the right direction. 

"That looks old," Nie Mingjue noted, grabbing Xue Yang's left hand to inspect it. "Hm. That's not neat enough to have been cut off. What happened to you?" 

"Someone's cart ran over my hand on purpose," Xue Yang muttered, trying in vain to pull his hand free. "I was little. It's fine now, I swear!"

It was far from fine, actually. Xue Yang himself might not have realised it since he was used to it, but Nie Huaisang had noticed that the young boy favoured his right hand a lot more than was normal, even for a right-handed person. In another sect, that might have been a problem. But Qinghe Nie was more martial than most others, a little more reckless too, and they had their share of cultivators who'd had nasty accidents. 

A missing finger in a stiff hand wasn't so bad compared to some people. 

"We'll have to get you a light sabre," Nie Mingjue said, mostly to himself after a quick check of the boy’s meridians. "Something you can use one-handed, like Huaisang. And I'll ask our doctor to have a look at it. It looks painful." 

"No, it's fine, I don't feel pain anymore," Xue Yang proudly announced as he pulled his hand free. "Trained myself out of it, mostly."

"You are definitely going to see Zhilan," Nie Mingjue replied, frowning harder. "Huaisang’s right, you do have potential, so we'll train you.” He turned toward their audience of disciples, and gestured for one man to walk closer. “Zonghui! Come and give that kid a tour, and a meal. When he's eaten, take him to see Zhilan, and have a bed prepared for him."

“I’m in?” Xue Yang asked, so startled that for once, he really did look his age.

He glanced at Nie Huaisang who grinned at him and nodded, then turned his eyes back to Nie Mingjue who nodded as well.

“You’re in. Go with Nie Zonghui, he’ll explain everything you need to know about being part of this sect.”

With surprising obedience that had to be a side effect of surprise, Xue Yang trotted away with Nie Mingjue’s first disciple. Nie Huaisang tried to follow, equal parts curious and worried about what might happen next if he lost sight of Xue Yang. He hadn’t taken two steps before Nie Mingjue grabbed him by the collar to stop him.

“And where are you going?”

Nie Huaisang pointed toward Xue Yang. His brother gave him a pointed look, and started dragging him in another direction, leaving him no choice but to follow or be strangled.

“I’m tired,” Nie Huaisang complained. Then, noticing that they appeared to be going toward the training grounds, he struggled against his brother’s grasp. “Wait, da-ge, I’m really tired, I mean it! We’ve had to walk so long, you know! We’ve only been able to hitch a ride on carts for some of the way, so I can’t feel my legs anymore for how much walking I’ve done lately.”

“If you’d come home directly from the Cloud Recesses, you’d have ridden in a carriage,” Nie Mingjue retorted without an ounce of pity. “Now let’s see if you’ve made any progress with your sabre, aside from using it to run away. We’re going to spar together.”

“I can’t, I’m so tired!” Nie Huaisang whined. “I’m going to die if I have to move! And you’re so much stronger than me, there’s no point in training together, the difference is too great! Da-ge, have some mercy, let me eat something first! Let me rest! And I need to change clothes too, and I really should check how my birds are, and…”

“Shut up you brat! This is your punishment for getting me so worried!” Nie Mingjue snapped, pushing his brother onto the softer soil of the training ground. “Do your warm-ups!”

“But I’m starving, da-ge!”

“That’s your own fault for running away!” Nie Mingjue replied, showing yet again he was the most cruel person in the entire world.

And yet as soon as Nie Huaisang started stretching in preparation for a friendly fight, Nie Mingjue asked a disciple to go ask the kitchens if they might send some fresh buns and a little tea that way. Aggravated as he was that his brother only cared about checking his cultivation and martial art progress, Nie Huaisang couldn’t help but smile.

After everything his older self had said about Nie Mingjue really despising him, he’d been worried that his brother would indeed be furious at him for everything he’d done, from failing his classes to forcing him to take in a miscreant. But no matter how shouty and frowny he currently was, it was clear to anyone who knew him, as his brother did, that Nie Mingjue was worried-angry rather than angry-angry.

Nie Huaisang had gambled and won, thus proving to himself that he definitely knew his brother better than his older self did.