#grief of the person i wanted and thought he was

[turtle-paced]

Have you ever felt like Martin doesn't like Cersei? The way he writes about her made me question? I mean she is both evil and stupid and it seems like we are supposed to laugh at her.

Cersei is pretty evil, and while I don't believe she's stupid, it's hard not to laugh (incredulously or otherwise) at her many, many bad ideas over the course of the series. Especially in AFFC.

But it's also clear to me that GRRM has compassion for this villain he's created - and that he has right from the start.

Let's put this under a cut for domestic violence and sheer length.

Ned touched her cheek gently. "Has he done this before?" "Once or twice." She shied away from his hand. "Never on the face before. Jaime would have killed him, even if it meant his own life." Cersei looked at him defiantly. "My brother is worth a hundred of your friend." Eddard XII, AGoT

GRRM chooses to frame the pivotal confrontation between Ned and Cersei with the reality of the domestic violence Cersei has experienced. Whatever else happens in that scene, whatever else she's done that might or might not be justified, the author makes sure the reader knows, Ned knows, that Cersei has good reason to hate Robert.

When she hesitated, then sat, Tyrion knew she was lost, despite her loud declaration of, "I will not marry again!" "You will marry and you will breed. Every child you birth makes Stannis more a liar." Their father's eyes seemed to pin her to her chair. Tyrion III, ASoS

This is re-emphasised as Tyrion witnesses Tywin's abuse of Cersei. Even Tyrion, who also has good reason to hate Cersei, cannot help but see how their father completely ignores Cersei's desires, reduces her autonomy to rubble, and above all makes her feel small. This is quite deliberately in Tyrion's PoV to make that dissonance stronger. Cersei is awful, but Tyrion can take no satisfaction in Tywin mistreating her.

Similarly,

His sister sat in a puddle of wine, cradling her son's body. Her gown was torn and stained, her face white as chalk. A thin black dog crept up beside her, sniffing at Joffrey's corpse. "The boy is gone, Cersei," Lord Tywin said. He put his gloved hand on his daughter's shoulder as one of his guardsmen shooed away the dog. "Unhand him now. Let him go." She did not hear. It took two Kingsguard to pry loose her fingers, so the body of King Joffrey Baratheon could slide limp and lifeless to the floor. Tyrion VIII, ASoS

Cersei's grief over watching her son murdered in front of her is a key character moment for her. Is Joffrey a good person? No. Is Cersei's immediate response of demanding Tyrion's arrest a good and just idea? No. Is that grief still real? Absolutely.

It was more than Cersei could stand. I cannot let them see me cry, she thought, when she felt the tears welling in her eyes. She walked past Ser Meryn Trant and out into the back passage. Alone beneath a tallow candle, she allowed herself a shuddering sob, then another. A woman may weep, but not a queen. Cersei III, AFFC

That lasts. It's not healthy but it is genuine. The author isn't putting this in here so we laugh at her. The author is putting this here to help us remember throughout the parade of evil and stupid crap Cersei's about to do that Cersei is a human with human emotions.

And when all that crap has backfired on Cersei, the author makes sure we know that the punishment inflicted on her is not for her sins but instead for her biological sex. He shows her break from that treatment.

Words are wind, she thought, words cannot hurt me. I am beautiful, the most beautiful woman in all Westeros, Jaime says so, Jaime would never lie to me. Even Robert, Robert never loved me, but he saw that I was beautiful, he wanted me. She did not feel beautiful, though. She felt old, used, filthy, ugly. Cersei II, ADWD

The walk of shame is just misogyny, pure and simple, nothing to do with what Cersei's actually done wrong. It is deliberately not karma out to get Cersei. It is deliberately not comeuppance. It is a reminder that Cersei has a point all those times when she points out she's been treated differently because of her sex - even if it's not the whole of the reason people don't respect her.

Even if a reader doesn't think Cersei deserves mercy, even if a reader finds her political bumbling funny, there's a lot around her that shows us that the reader wants us to think carefully about what made Cersei both a horrible person and a horrible politician. She is most definitely not there just to be the butt of the author's joke. That's Victarion.

[head---ache]

ough gerald robotnik i have so many thoughts about you you're such a fucked up guy i dont believe you were ever a good person...................

yes at first he had good intentions with wanting to cure maria but his ego is much bigger than his heart....................... his ego was the cause of marias death it wasnt shadow or gun (not as like a root i mean) it was him........................... throughout his diary he mentions so many times how intelligent he is and how he can outsmart anyone and everyone, the president, gun, black doom. dude you're just a guy with too big of an ego.............................

the fact that marias family wanted her back on earth but gerald refused and kept her on the ark. i dont believe it was out of the goodness of his heart. it was an ego thing, he had to find a cure otherwise he isnt as smart as he thinks he is. he has to find a cure because hes a genius! how could such a mortal issue be an obstacle for a genius like him?! and he lost his relationship with his children, he never knew his other two grandkids just because he had this obsession with solving this problem that was eating at his brain. and then he couldnt do that because maria was killed and i believe thats what drove him mad. not just the grief from marias death, but the fact that he wasnt able to solve this problem, to outsmart his way through nature. maria died and gerald never got to find a cure. and his ego was hurt!!!!!!! he was ashamed and alone and everything proved that he had made the wrong decisions!!!! from the biolizards difficult existence, to shadows cursed makeup, to his estranged family, to marias death, all right down to his imprisonment.

oh gerald robotnik i dont believe you were the good person gone mad everyone says you were. you had the same ego your grandson has........................... you believed yourself above nature and human nature ended up being your demise................

[zuzuelectricbugaloo]

Absolutely fascinating, and I can see exactly what you mean.

From someone describing Cross's personality, including his impulsivity, emotional dysregulation and being spiteful (and approved by Jakei as nailing Cross's character). He's got anxiety, struggles with self-worth and self-esteem yet simultaneously acts so self-absorbed to the point where he has no qualms about being a jerk to literal children.

Take his relationship with XGaster. Cross hates him as much as he wants his approval. Willing to fight against him or alongside him in whatever it takes to get his AU back and to stop the Overwrites (all or nothing). Because for all his dad’s abuse, he’s still his dad, and Cross wants him to be proud of him. (There’s old Jakei pride art where Cross is wearing a rainbow shirt and hugging XGaster, saying “I hate you so much…but I love you” while smiling goofily)

Cross is full of himself, and believes himself to be more powerful and understanding of things than he actually is and feels entitled to his happy ending (tbh fair, considering everything). Or just take that moment of his interaction with Goth for Underverse Studios, where Cross justifies taking and drinking all his chocolate milk because Cross is an "adult" and therefore needs it more than Goth.

This conflates with his anxiety and self-doubt, where he also worries if he’s done enough or if he should’ve done something else but it’s too late, so he buckles down with his decision even if it’s a bad one. If anyone considered themself a “god”, he’d think it nonsense. That everything is run by codes and magic and force of will. So if a deity imagery is used with XGaster then Cross would think it’s up to him to stop that false god

His beef with XMettaton? Full of passive-aggressive interactions between the two especially when Mettaton refused to help Cross when a cow was chewing on his bandana. And it's this moment that gave Cross bovinophobia because he genuinely believed he was about to be beaten.

Then there's all of his unstable relationships with friends and what was once family. XChara causes him so much grief, and when they shared a body he despised the loss of autonomy. But they were also there when he was alone in the Antivoid for who knows how long until Ink came. They’ve become a reluctant companion, but there’s constant friction between the two for both the events that happened with their AU and clashing thoughts on how to handle things, both believing the other to be correct and that the other just messes everything up.

All or nothing with Ink: He believed Ink abandoned him and was never his friend to begin with when Cross had asked Ink to bring his AU back and didn't. All of their history, of how Ink probably kept Cross from going insane from the equivalent of solitary confinement and an emotionally unstable XChara, of how Ink helped Cross develop a passion for art and it's one of the few healthy coping mechanisms he has, all of it is pushed to the side and ignored by what Cross perceived as a slight to him and a manipulative betrayal. How could Ink pretend to be his friend when this whole time, he couldn't bring back XTale, and later on, worked with XGaster to keep his Soul safe and then release it?

All or nothing with Frisk: XFrisk was his best friend, and the betrayal that XFrisk had used Cross and tried to kill him and the others to steal Overwrite from XGaster that kickstarted Underverse in the first place had him throw his locket and rage and hate XFrisk and refuse to accept the name "Cross". A resentment that carried on throughout Underverse and in art of them answering asks, there are brief moments where they're friends again only for Cross to lash out at other moments. And in Underverse the locket is one of Cross's most prized possessions, and he always keeps it on his person. And yet "Cross" is his name, his entire identity, and he lashes out at XPapyrus to the point where he punches him in the face and threatens him with bone attacks until he says his name "Cross".

His brother, who was one of the people Cross wanted revived again more than anything, he's willing to go so far as to enforce his identity by physically attacking XPapyrus who only wanted his brother back.

Aside from his AU back, he wants a sense of normalcy again. He wasn’t always so frustrated or mad all the time, this is a side effect of not only childhood abuse but also trauma from the events of XTale. Not to mention the moments where even as a child, Cross He wants his home back, and more than that, he wants peace and to rest and to be loved (it hurts to distance himself from XPap, but Cross believes it's the only thing he can do now; that he has no other choice) That Cross now and will never be the Sans that XPap knew and loved, and wants to still be accepted by the ones he loves despite having changed so much

All the moments where his body was controlled by others: by XFrisk, XChara, or XGaster, the moments where he's emotionally vulnerable and was manipulated, greatly resemble dissociative episodes, where Cross is so disconnected from his body and even his mind feels out of his control. It's like he's nothing more than a Tool for others to use.

Looking at Cross as a whole, it all aligns much too well with BPD.

ASPD INK WOOOO CLUSTER B REPRESENT!! Nobody can take away Cluster B character headcanons away from me, Cluster B characters I love you

HELL YAAAAAAAA

We love Cluster B in this house

Allow me to actually give you a tiny list of cluster Bs and the characters I associate with them

ASPD: Ink, Nightmare (I’ve been also considering Killer, not yet made a decision tho xhxhxh)

BPD: Nightmare

HPD: Error

NPD: Cross

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe:( found out my brother died yesterday of (most likely) accidental overdose and I’ve been following you for ages with ur journey of grief about your sister and now I feel very connected to you in a way I never thought I would even though we’re just strangers. drugs and the whole system are so awful, my brother wasn’t a bad person he just couldn’t get away from it. He wasn’t as young as your sister, he was 38, but I just feel like it’s such an absolute shame. It also doesn’t feel real yet, but I hope we can both heal and think of our siblings always❤️

god im so sorry, i wish there was literally anything i could do or say to lighten the grief but i just know from experience there's not. i wouldn't wish this type of loss/mourning on anyone as i understand how absolutely traumatic it is, but i hope that at the very least i can help you feel less alone as you move through this. i'm sure it all feels very raw and devastating and surreal at the moment, tbh that sensation has never fully left me since my sister passed, so i hope you have good people around you who you can talk to and grieve with, no matter how painful and overwhelming it is. i hope you can keep your brother's memory alive at every opportunity, even if it's just by thinking of him, living as he would want you to. 38 is still far far too young and i totally understand what you mean by feeling like it's an absolute shame. with my sister i often just feel really really incredulous and angry about the fact that she died so young, so quick and from drugs of all things -- just doesn't make any sense when i think of her as a person and all the things she was supposed to do. addiction is truly a disease and it pains me that it's still so fundamentally misunderstood/glamorised. i wish i could find the right words for it. i will keep you and your brother in my thoughts and if you ever want to talk about him, share stories etc please feel free to msg me ❤️ sending so much love your way and again i'm so so sorry. may he rest in peace ❤️

[lizziiszs]

tw; nsfw, sh

so i was thinking about how fucking weird but cool hiori's fractured girl fetish then i just started thinking right, bear with me,,

i think being overstimulation would be a massive turn on for hiori because it would be one of the very few things that feels validating to him. as a child, pushing himself physically would have earnt him praise and recognition from his team mates, coaches and most importantly, his parents. even upon realising that his parents are using him as a means to an end, hiori still feels somewhat validated. overexerting himself to near injury, the thought of working so hard for the benefit of those who are using him makes him feel sick, he hates it. yet he gets off to it because it's the only thing he's ever known, its a familiar feeling that felt good for a while. and he's afraid that it forever will.

this MIGHT be a stretch but i've written about hiori having a sexual liking for self-harm on his s/o. i think as someone who's always had to maintain his physical condition, he's never been able to take his frustration and grief out on himself in such a way. he thinks it'd be relieving and freeing but can't ever go so far. everything he has is on the shoulders of his body and it's capabilities, including every chance of leaving home so he cannot even THINK of committing such a thing.

don't get me wrong though he hates the fact that his s/o who means the entire fucking world to him has ever endured such suffering and it breaks his heart yet it doesn't stop him from feeling somewhat attracted to the idea. the idea of them feeling a similar way, how it's comforting to know someone else has also been treated so unfairly by circumstance. and he can't help but to feel so and in a sexual light and the feeling of guilt he has as a result of it gets him off even more.

the same goes for his fractured girl fetish, the guilt he experiences has him so fucking horny because it feels so good in the sense that its so immoral and straight up fucking weird. the thought of having a girl reliant on him drives him insane. he wants to, for once, be the person who isn't dependent on someone else in order to get by (his parents' validation, other team mates to pass to etc.).

although the sadist part comes from the realisation that his parents are actually dependent on HIM. their entire relationship and careers have collided for HIM to exist,, what happens as a result of that is the work of hiori and his somewhat extraordinary capabilities. sometimes, he feels really fucking good about himself. like even saying the words 'i wanna quit' or 'i don't wanna go pro' would fling his parents into such a rage or total breakdown- he has yet to try it though.

he also will not accommodate to those who cannot keep up with him on the pitch, humiliating those who cannot even play alongside him. and obviously its a huge turn on because it feels good and hold onnnn everything that feels good to him crosses over with sexuality.

(this is a massive personal confession but) as someone who has no idea what his feelings are, doesn't care and doesn't know how to distinguish them,, everything that feels remotely good crosses over into sexual pleasure. its a stupid and really fucking weird thing but i feel as, since he was very emotionally deprived as a child, its a possible idea.

i'm gonna back this up by saying that he is chronically online and a bitch gamer boy. he totally would.

don't tell me you read all that.

i now aspire to look like erika toda in spec: birth

hiori i want you

(he lets me project)

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Epic The Musical- The Meme Saga

Introduction

Hello old friends. Sorry I've been inactive, University has been keeping me terribly busy. To make it up to you all I have been compiling a group of memes that'll make you all laugh. I'm not gonna explain the memes I'm just gonna let you all sit with them.

I promise I'll try share more Epic content soon but alas I've been busy trying to finish my Ruthlessness Is A Mercy two shot as I want to put it our there for you Winions. Especially after your support for Eurylochus's God Games that means so much to me.

But here we go enjoy the laughs.

P.s: All Animations Used For The Meme Will Be Credited.

1: Everywhere I Go I See

Epic! Hermes

Every Hermes canonically is just Troy to me that's who I see now, sorry POJ fans.

2: The Red Eyes Won't Leave Me Alone

Can I please have one Fandom where Red Eyes appear and they're actually explained. Also can the red eyes just leave me alone. I don't need sleep I need answers Odysseus became the monster isn't a good enough one for me. 😭

Animations by: ns2dstudios , Drawing_Angie, @vladislav.arthouse, @LTHS.Studio

3: When Poseidon Simps Get Fed

Honestly this one is pretty self explanatory. I personally do not simp for any of the God's but I was feeling a bit woozy in the chest from that close up. Poseidon Simps definitely ate that shot up hard.

Animation By: ns2dstudios

4: My Reaction To Six Hundred Strike Memefied

Even Gwendy said that this scene was exciting to animate. I couldn't help but agree as unfortunately yes Stephen has a banging voice but I have hated this mf since he first showed up at the end of Keep Your Friends Close. Poseidon is so stupidly petty and the worst Father in existence well second to Zeus so I absolutely revelled in his suffering.

Animation By: @ns2dstudios

5: The Fandoms Reaction To The Windbag Being Opened

When I heard Odysseus's noo scream at the end of Charybdis I immediately thought back to my own reaction when the wind bag first got opened. Tbh though we were all Odysseus at that point as we thought well those who had no spoilers that this was the end of his journey. I love Eurylochus but I am never going to forgive him for destroying his only chance of surviving the show.

Animations By: WolfyTheWitch, @gigizetz

6: Mels Cooking With and Without Epic

Basically as a person with adhd I need music to stimulate my focus when cooking and nearly everytime I've blasted epic whilst cooking my food. Since Epic came into my life I've got better at cooking so I thought it'd be a funny meme. It's also a good indicator of how long it's taken me too cook lol.

Epic Cover Art By: artofzwist

7: When Zeus Simps Also Get Fed

Now again I am not a Zeus simp. I was more terrified of Zeus when he went beast mode but you can't tell me there weren't fans absolutely in love with Lukes performance and how Beast Mode Zeus looked. Plus if Poseidon gets a simp meme Zeus gets his own version too.

Animation By: @smoolio

8: Epic Fandom Vs Eurylochus

Oh Eurylochus buddy you do not deserve the hate that the fandom gives you. Honestly the Thunder Saga should be renamed to The Eury Hate Mob Saga. Armando gave such a good performance and yet everyone was just just tearing their teeth into Eury. This me represents that perfectly.

Art by: smoolio

9: Mel Totally Knew About Eury

To explain this is just my own reaction to when Eurylochus confessed. I had no idea and was a little disappointed in him but as a Eury Stan I forgive him and understand all of his actions.

Art By: smoolio, artofzwist

10: God Games Truama

I have no words this meme just came from my grief over what happened to Athena. When that line came up I full on sobbed. I'm never going to be over the end of God Games because of how traumatising it was. Epic fans don't lie I know you cried too.

Art by: El_Crafts, artofzwist

Conclusion

And that was the meme saga. I will absolutely share more epic memes because there's alot in my folder but yeah I thought it'd be fun to share with everyone else instead of just the people on the writing server.

Am I childish? Yes. Will I stop? No.

Honestly I've never had so much fun making memes.

Until next time,

-Melody-

They/Them

[morganski-19]

If Maddie Buckley has no defenders I am dead! Deceased, gone from this world.

Because tell me why this character has so much unnecessary hate surrounding her. I cannot search ep 4x05 on here without seeing this one Maddie hate post and it angers me so much.

Maybe this is just because out of everyone in the show, I relate to Maddie the most cause we're both eldest daughters and have complicated relationships with our mothers, but I would stand by this statement even without this.

I swear we need a Maddie begins so fucking bad, because all that we've gotten from her past was from Buck's perspective. I understand why they think they wouldn't need to do one because we already saw her life with Doug in flashbacks and her home life in Buck Begins, but there is still more we don't know.

What about actually seeing Daniel as a child, him getting diagnosed. Buck being born and Maddie slowly realizing why he was at all. Seeing her new baby brother get taken to the hospital just to get a needle stuck in his arm. Like her trauma with Daniel is never fully explored.

Not to mention the series of events that I know would have happened. "Oh why don't you smile, Maddie. I need to see your beautiful smile." "Our strong Maddie, keeping our spirits up." Come on it's right there.

Maddie was their perfect little daughter, so strong during the whole process. From the beginning to the end, she was their strong little girl. So when she acted out, or did what they thought was acting out, she broke that image. Her parents didn't want her to break their image of her.

It's why they hated Doug, not for what he did to her, but what it meant for them. He wasn't up to their standard, fit for their picture. They made a portrait of their life after Doug and anytime that Maddie or Buck broke it, they got angry. They needed Maddie to be the perfect one, and they needed Buck to be Daniel. Two things that are unattainable.

Not to mention that she is the only other person in the house who knew Daniel, and what they lost, so anything that she does to hurt them, they would use that against her. They use her as a sounding board for their grief and their anger about the situation.

Maddie has so much trauma, from her childhood, from her first marriage, and she doesn't always deal with it in the healthiest of ways. But tell me who in this show does. I never understand how people can hate her for what she's done when it's arguably at the same level as some of what the other characters have done, but they get passes.

Long ramble aside, I love Maddie, she's one of my favorite characters on this show, and I will never understand the hate that I see for her.

[bloogers-boogers]

🥺❤️❤️ I have all kinda stories! With all different characters (ocs or characters from a ship), backstories, places, tropes and personalities. I can go all day about it! My mind is full of ideas (unfinished, but a lot, as u could’ve noticed by all the unfinished aus I keep posting bc if keeps coming up hehe😅) But currently hyping up with a particular song in specific and Adam singing it (as always, agnst, hurt, trauma) considering only Adamsapple has been rotting my brain in the past few months i haven’t thought of anything else aside from these two and millions sceneries and tropes for them. I love Adam tho, i really want to do something with Adam. Something with him dancing and singing a song that it’s directly to Lucifer and Lucifer having to react to it. Something that screams the grief Adam went through when he had lost his wife, a friend, and all he ever knew (eden). To seeing earth getting corrupted by evil from lies and betrayal. AAAAAA another reason why i love animation!! is that you can see the emotion in each frame, in the motion and detail, the added music or voices. Yeah, you can feel it through a drawing but making it come to life is what makes it amazing to me! Like it’s happening upon your eyes and it gets you captivated and makes you want more.

He's just emphasizing how big Adam's ass is

[badcountryofficial]

The way that u really have to choose clarity that hurts over hope that confuses it sucks

He rlly just wanted to scrub his life clean of me and move on after 2wks like if that isn't a very clear indication he wasn't the one for me idk what is. Idk what is. He wanted to be soooo mad at me for Leaving but then turned around and deleted anything that involved me and found someone new to obsessed over in 2 weeks. Like I'm better now and I'm coping and I'm moving on too but once in a while I think abt it and I do cry. Because I really thought he was the one. I wanted it to be him so bad I gave up SO much I sacrificed SO much and he wouldn't move a foot outside his comfort zone for me. It just hurts. And then for him to move on so quickly because he's just so vindictive. And I know very well that could have all been a lie to aggravate me and make me feel like shit but I'd rather believe he really did move on. I'd rather believe that than believe he'd lie to upset me, that's so much worse.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Look what we've become.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[deadpoetsandlivinglegends]

Feel like Neil couldn’t have been any other kind of actor than one in theatre. If he was a movie actor or on social media or whatnot, it would not be the same. Theatre by nature is fleeting. Recorded mediums can be rewatched over and over, creating a time loop of sorts. We the audience can keep going back to a time when Neil is still alive. Theatre however is live and once the play is over, there is no going back except in our memories. It is much like life. We are forced to live in the moment in a theater lest we miss it altogether. It’s not that the poets choose to live in a world where Neil is dead, it’s that they must because the only other option is to die themselves. I feel like Keatings teachings could only be reflected in stage theatre because that’s the only way there can be no time loop of grief. I think dead poets society itself isn’t about overcoming the authority in your life to do what you want but rather about grief, about allowing oneself to feel grief and all one’s emotions without letting it consume you and to keep living after, to live every day in the moment lest you fall into grief and regret that will destroy you or force you into a miserable life

[bidisasterevankinard]

Wip Wednesday

do I have the stage where I start new wips but barely write the one's I have because I'm super indecisive and not inspired? yes. let's hope soon I will be fine and work on my wips I want to work on. Anyway meet new wip where bucktommy will have long angst in their relationship because Tommy needs to grief "what ifs" with Sal he never thought about till he sees Sal as Captain of 118 (it's an au where Sal is a captain instead of Gerass)(it's only the start of the fic btw)

thanks to nonny @racerchix21 and this song (the title taken from the song and it's "I tried to go on like I never knew you"

Tommy knows it all should be in the past. In stolen kisses in bars they knew Gerrard and the team would never come too. In usually passionate and wild - almost never tender and sweet - sex. In secrets they shared under sheets, when they both knew that the moment their fabric cover was gone they couldn't talk about those moments of comfort and vulnerability they shared. In breakfast’s Sal made for him and his nonna's lasagna recipe Tommy cooked for the man. In wild dreams Tommy knew could never be a reality. Especially not when Sal changed stations and firstly their meetups were less and less frequent until they stopped after Sal’s wedding. 

And Tommy swears he thought he was over it. Over Sal. Over dreams of the future they could never share. But one look at the man whose appearance barely changed since Tommy last saw him five years ago, staying near 118 trucks the same way he always did, while talking with Chim, and all that got back at him. All the memories of stolen love and painful hope to be happy, proud and loved. Preferably by his “best friend”. By the one of the best men he ever met even if they could be rough with each other or rude or just wrong. Sal always came back with sorry, that Tommy knew was genuine. They were so wrong together, but also so wrongly perfect. So electric. Sal made him feel how almost no one could. Only his first crush Eric from the army, Sal and …

“Hey, handsome, sorry for the delay, Hen needed help to choose a present for Karen,” Evan kissed his cheeks, smiling like thousands of suns.

If Tommy didn’t know and was pretty acquainted with Evan’s quirks and little signs of his fatigue, he would never think the man just ended his 48 hour shift.

“It’s fine, baby.”

Tommy smiles and he hopes his inner turmoil of seeing an old friend is not shown on his face.

“Have you met my new captain yet?”

“No, but I don’t need to.”

Evan adorably tits his head and Tommy wants his heart to be so fast only because of it and the taste of Evan’s lip balm on his cheek, but he swears he can feel the taste of liquor he and Sal were drinking last time they kissed. Right before Sal asked Jennifer out on their first date.

“I worked with Sal. Even more than Chim and Hen,” Tommy says and Evan for a second frowns and then hits his face.

“And they were no less inseparable as you and Eddie,” Chim says, with the loud sound of gum bubbles breaking.

Tommy doesn’t know when he and Sal got closer to them, but he would really happy if they never see that Tommy was there at all. 

“God, of course. In my defense it was so long ago I just haven’t even thought that all three of you were a team.”

“Yeah, I left the station almost a decade ago and it feels like it was in another life, so it’s fine, Buck.” 

Sal smiles at his boyfriend and Tommy wants to make as much room between them as possible. Maybe it will help him to to separate all these feelings of worry and anxiety and love and confusion from the sight of the man he had loved for years, but had never had the opportunity to own his love completely for himself, never feeling that Sal had given him his heart, and a man who he knows is step away from get into his own chest and rip out his heart with all the vessels and give it to Tommy if he just says the word. Sal would never do it even if Tommy would beg

I was tagged by @tizniz @cal-daisies-and-briars @diazheartsbuckley @diazsdimples

Tagging @wikiangela @neverevan @hippolotamus @watchyourbuck @evnnkinard @evansboyfriend @evanbegins @evanbi-ckley @repressedqueen @rogerzsteven @racerchix21 @eddiebabygirldiaz @theotherbuckley @pirrusstuff @saybiwithme @steadfastsaturnsrings @devirnis @giddyupbuck @honestlydarkprincess @kinard-buckley @loveyouanyway @lonelychicago @bigfootsmom @bekkachaos @bi-buckrights @bewilderedbuckley @monsterrae1 and anyone who wants to

[mcytegg]

i think im way more attached to bacon then i expected bc of everything in that entire convo, the way kab treated and talked to/abt bacon got me closest to crashing out LMFAO

[if-we-are-free-tell-me-why]

every time I hear someone say "oh you have to listen to Dear Evan Hansen it has such good mental health representation" I cry in Next to Normal

[yansurnummu]

i love them. so much

[smile-files]

i hope god loves me as much as you did

[cute kittys!!! by gabi on flickr; neighborhood #2 (laika) by arcade fire; goodnight sparky by @smile-files on tumblr; the fight is over by patrick mchale; my cat is sad by spencer madsen; a dog's midnight prayer by unknown; so big / so small by rachel bay jones; everyone i know (will die) by four eyes; the little prince by antoine de saint-exupéry; breathe (in the air) by pink floyd; sunpod by gustafer yellowgold; sweetie little jean by cage the elephant; cat dreaming by tiddler on flickr; untitled by roadarch; goodnight by whimsical animal; this is home by cavetown; untitled by @storieldraw on tumblr; plane crash blues (i can't play the piano) by phoebe bridgers; just take my wallet by jack stauber; death is nothing at all by henry scott holland; untitled by petfurniture on twitter; fading kitten syndrome by roar]