#grief and fear

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

(from Rev. Roshi Joan Halifax of Upaya Zen Center)

[Thanks to Peege on bluesky]

[pimsri]

I make art about grief again

[asthedeathoflight]

I think an underrated angle on 2x05 is something that either Jacob or Assad said in some interview somewhere, which is that in that episode Louis is addicted to heroin. Thats why he has that whole stash of drugs that he gives to Daniel, that's why he gives Daniel the drugs even though he's already got him alone. He didn't just use those 128 boys for sex he was using them to get high. Bring them home, get them to shoot up, and then drain them to get that secondhand high.

It clarifies something that's always confused me about that scene, which is why Armand saves Daniel the first time. He wouldn't save Daniel as a person, he clearly knows Daniel needs to die, but he's not seeing Daniel as a person there. Daniel is just a substance. He rips him away from Louis to stop him from using.

And i think that adds a whole other layer to the fight he and Armand have to think that this is Louis on a bender, with Armand cleaning up after him because he's not stable enough to. Louis in the bed for a week isn't just healing from the burns, he's going through withdrawal. Him at the table with Daniel giving him the "bright young reporter" speech is probably the first time he's been sober in months.

It adds another layer to Armand's desperation, that Louis has been running from both Armand and himself in this way, and of course Armand wants to erase that memory. Of course he wants to pretend that that fight never happened. Not just to protect himself but in a way to protect Louis from having said those things. When he describes the fight to Louis afterwards, he says "you said the worst things you've ever said to me." And he doesn't really know how to forgive Louis for that so he just wants to bury this rock-bottom moment and move on like it never happened. After all, Louis was high, he didn't really mean it, but if he remembers then maybe he might think that he had a point. Better to wipe the whole experience away.

[hercarisntyours]

transformers go go is reviving me after transformers one tore my heart to shreds, taped it back together, put it in a kiln and threw it off a cliff where those pieces then get destroyed by corrosion and smashed into by a blind shark, WHY ARE THESE SO SOUL SUCKINGLY CUTE

[tagerrkix]

rage.

[turtleblogatlast]

Based on this post of mine, haha.

Leo finds The Last Unicorn. Core memories are made.

[novelconcepts]

Obviously next week could prove this all dead-wrong, but I don’t think the trial’s quite over. I don’t believe the end of that episode actually took place, because I’m pretty sure we’re still firmly in the “punish Agatha” phase. Rio’s suddenly gone. Alice seems to be dead by Agatha’s hand, and no one—including Teen, who has always been on her side—seems primed to believe she was out of control. The others have been sucked beneath the power of the surrogate son who not only just told Agatha to fuck off, but went full-Wanda to do it. It just all seems too tailored to cut up any of the character progress Agatha’s made on the Road thus far. Getting harassed by her ghost mother and hearing her son’s voice don’t feel like a complete tear-down. This does. It feels like more trial.

[kallypsowrites]

A lot of people wanted Haelena to emote more during Blood and Cheese. First of all, y'all have clearly never experienced an adrenaline rush so hard you trip past outward panic and right into dissociation. But second of all, Haelena is a very witness to this event.

Haelena in the books is an ordinary young woman. Haelena in the show is a dreamer. She witnesses the tragedies in her family happen before they happen. She has already seen her son's fate and from the moment the scene begins, she knows she is helpless to stop it. It's like being in a recurring nightmare for her. You can see the moment where she stares in horror and fumbles for words before simply pointing. Because she knows she can't save her son so she's going to save her daughter.

When she goes to pick up her daughter and just walks as quickly as she can away, she is brimming with emotion, but she doesn't have the luxury to feel it because she has to get to safety (or else these men could kill her or her daughter next). She goes into shock and she moves.

It was an excellent performance by the actress. Not what we'd typically expect, but still deeply impactful

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

[whumpypepsigal]

“Listen to me. What happened… it’s awful. She’s your mom. What happened’ll always be a part of you. But it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. And you don’t ever have to be done grieving your mom.”

[sluttyhenley]

What changed your mind?

THE WALKING DEAD

[desultory-suggestions]

As Election Day begins in the U.S. there will be a huge rush of anxiety and emotions for many of us. This is an incredibly difficult time to be hopeful and resilient, but we must. Please remember that the polls will not accurately represent the outcome until well after polls close, and it could take days before the race can truly and unequivocally be called. Instead of checking every ten minutes to see who is ahead, or feeling trapped by two bad outcomes, today I urge you to care for yourself and your community. This election will matter, but what will matter the most is the human resiliency and compassion that overcomes the greatest of obstacles. Think today about how you can strengthen your heart or honor and fight for those who need it most. Election Day will pass, and whatever the outcome we will continue to live in a world filled with people of kind hearts and hard working hands. Don’t fall for despair, prepare to roll up your sleeves and do what you can. All is easier said than done, so start by taking a deep breath, think of something you love, and carry on on step at a time.

[multifandombullshitbabes]

have we ever thought abt the fact that zuko is literally azula's older brother. like she's his little sister. that's his little sister. throughout a big, big part of atla plot, he was actively running away, scared of his little sister killing him because he KNEW she would/could. can you imagine that? your little sibling, wanting more your father's approval than your companionship to the point of death? every time they fought, zuko was fighting his baby sister. azula was fighting her big brother. this is making me so sick. they were 16 and 14 years old.

[odetojupiter]

what if when andrew and aaron were in high school together they had to do that thing where you write a letter to ur future self and then it gets sent/emailed back to you in 5 years time. and they both inadvertently write their letters to each other

[myballsitchaurghouchie]

you should talk about Osiris sometime

Osiris :) Head Disciple of my God's Hunger AU Lamb (tho i'm for sure making her and the others followers in my Bygone AU as well. hashtag dog lover)

She's not the very first follower, but she's one of the ones that stayed by the Lamb's side the longest, followed by her ex-lover Lixi. Her and Lixi had 4 kids; Vodka, Ruby, Rolex (don't. talk to me about the names. don't even try.) and a last one that was adopted by someone else. They all lived on the cult grounds and then the Lamb's cannibal thing happened and only Osiris stayed or something whateverrrrrr

She became a caretaker for the Lamb. Any time that wasn't spent looking after kids was spent around the Lamb either for the quiet or to look after them once they started getting bad. The Lamb slowly became super dependent on her, making her feel like she has to stick around until the very end even when they start going "yooo so like... meat am i right eyes emoji fire emoji", because that's her lamb and her leader. or something

Idk i really like the idea of this Corrupted Bitch Lamb having a literal angel figure in their life that they latch onto in such a way that it destroys the angel

[shallowseeker]

And yeah, it sucks, and Dean was cruel and murderous and dehumanizing, but on the other hand, 14 days isn't very long.

And yet, at 14 days, things were already starting to repair and heal with Jack just a little bit, even before Cas came back.

(I've seen it said that this didn't occur till after Cas came back, but in 13x04, Jack's behavior and personality are what began to thaw Dean out and, per the script, "put chinks in his armor.”)

///

Interestingly, even back in 13x02, Dean’s body language doesn't match his words. Here it reads as "move behind me."

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By the end of 13x04, Dean and Jack are tentatively starting to like each other. They're even a little bit alike in this scene:

*THEM: not looking directly at each other as they say HEY awkwardly*

Jack: Hey.

*Dean, doing the same thing*

This is also maybe the first time Dean calls Jack by his name? (I'd have to check, but I think so.)

*Dean’s eyes flitting around nervously*

Dean: “You did good today (pause) Jack”

Yeah, I think you can make a well-argued case for something-something “conditional love.”

But given the Kelly-Cas brainwashing and everything else that came before, I’d say it’s not unreasonable for Jack to like having established trust. To have earned trust.

Earning trust is important in all relationships, not necessarily always an evil “conditional” thing.

///

Then Dean goes and apologizes to Sam, saying that he was out of line during the therapy session and that he's sorry for being a dick lately.

It's sweet, but also, no one is being very empathetic to Dean and his losses. But I think by this point in Dean's life, Dean's not really expecting that either.

He’s only able to get that support from one person in his life right now: Jody Mills. (13x03) Which is part of why he felt comfy taking the case with her, I think.

Later in this scene, in a break with his past tendencies, Dean will actually try to rely on Sam:

///

DEAN: And he tapped his power and saved our asses, so that's a win.

Sam was right about one thing, though. It wasn't Jack’s powers that impressed Dean, or even being saved. It was the effort.

(Jack's personality was already thawing Dean, too.)

///

The rest of the scene is sweet. Dean tries to see Sam's perspective, and Sam tries to see Dean's.

It's a trading of strength and hope, which is how real families are, too. Our strength and resilience wax and wane, and we share our burdens, but we try to share our hope, too.

This is a rare occasion: Dean is trying to share a burden; he lets Sam know how bad it really is.

(Dundundun! Ellen Harvelle would be proud.)

Dean is accepting that Sam isn't going to get there on his own. So he spells out his despair for him. The Cas of it all.

And Sam seems to get that it’s a Cas thing. That's clear in his behavior in the next episode. And Sam wants to be there for Dean, I don't think that's a lie, but…

Sam ALWAYS wants Dean to tell him stuff like this, to talk out the big stuff. But one of Sam’s hopes is that talking things out will fix them.

(Classic Type-A kinda mentality.)

But THIS? Cas’s death isn't fixable, not quite as nebulous as the mom-in-Apocalypse-World-problem is. (In fact, I wouldn't put it past Sam to have been up all night researching, finding NO way to get Cas back. Alternatively, the constant casework could represent just utter denial.)

Anyhoo, Sam's grieving the losses too, but Dean is different. And unfortunately for Sam, John Winchester's grief was so horrendous and frightening that seeing Dean's, uh, particular kind of grief triggers Sam's panic response.

Just look at Sam’s face here.

SAM's BRAIN: brrrrrrrr RED ALERT brrrrr RED ALERT

*Meanwhile*

///

Next episode (13x05):

We find Sam in a state of near-panic. Just look at that face:

And actually, looking at Sam's D8> here…

..I think it's possible that he TOTALLY knew what the PB&J stuff was about, and his brain went into a meat grinder of:

OH NO FUCK NO NO NOT THIS--I RECOGNIZE THIS. THIS KIND OF GRIEF RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!!!!111

{8[

Don't Grieve in Front of Me Dean (analysis)

Don't Grieve in Front of Me Dean Redux (s7 analysis)

///

So.

Sam finds a case about best friends. Makes you wonder what he was googling to find it...

And Sam’s distress surrounding the case is interesting, because he is behaving so DIFFERENTLY than he was in 13x02 and 13x03:

Dean: *cue surprise*

Dean is weirded out. Maybe he figured Sam would let him take a real break, or maybe it's just that the timing of Sam’s suggestion of leaving Jack behind feels weird now.

They’ve switched places.

Dean was eager to leave Jack in 13x03, and Sam was the one insisting on them staying with Jack to help him “learn to control his powers.”

Now, in about two weeks’ time, Sam’s like—“Jack has TV! We’ll put up extra warding! It’ll be fiiiine!”

Dean’s brain, probably: Hmmm. Sam is trying to cheer me up, but wow are these about-faces on what's bad parenting and what's good parenting kinda fucked up.

///

And at the end of the episode, Dean tries again to tell Sam just how bad it is (mirroring Mary's willingness to offer up “not being okay” in s12):

And Sam is pretty much at sea.