#grad school has me so twisted

[kummatty]

I miss movies I rly do

[lady-harrowhark]

lol not me crying because someone from my program texted me to ask how i was doing and that they hadn't seen me around in a while

[izvmimi]

cw: spoilers. after timeskip. selfship-coded. reader has a defined quirk. hurt/comfort.

As strong as the bond between any high school class can be (even yours, arguably more a small superpowered militia than a group of hopeful freshmen in far over their heads and strong enough to make it through the other end anyway), paths diverge as people follow their dreams, even if they will all forever call UA their home. 

It’s fitting that Izuku Midoriya, indisputably the most affected by the trauma of the meta war has kept UA as home base, and settling into his new career as teacher has remained both expected and fulfilling, even if poorly introspective onlookers would think otherwise. He is the heart of what it means to be a hero and that is to inspire the present and the future, and carry on the lessons of the past.

He is also your heart, you muse, as you find him sitting at your kitchen table, poring over graded essays, the red ink from his excessively lengthy corrections and comments practically jumping off the paper it’s scribbled on. You set down your work bag and attempt to sneak up behind him, but even if he’s focused and still, he’s always sharp, setting his pen down to turn around and greet you with a kiss.

“Hey, you’re later than usual, so I just let myself in, is that okay?” he asks. You nod, moving over to wash your hands in the sink quickly, then coming back around to pull a chair next to him. 

You’ve wanted to ask him to just move in together for months now, especially since now you spend more time at each other’s places than you do your own separate ones, but something about the proposition has felt wrong, rushed maybe. It’s been just a little over a year since you moved back to Japan after your fellowship overseas, and while you’ve remained in a varying level of contact the whole time since graduation, the flux of things has changed significantly instead of settling normally. For one, confessing an unrelenting affection that was kept mostly secret since high school had changed the trajectory of your lives, finding ways to incorporate seeing each other without fanfare between your busy post-grad education and his UA courses, then finally a year of long distance had made it difficult to ever feel like things had been truly steady.

“I wouldn’t have given you a code or key if not, silly,” you remind him. He smiles, and you glance over at the last assignment he’s corrected, and grimace. 

“You know if Aizawa had given me this many comments on an essay, I wouldn’t have shown up the next day, Izuku,” you remind him. He laughs, as you take the paper and read his feedback, mind spinning.

“I mean, no kid’s ever cried yet. I try to be nice.”

He is nice, you think, realizing that not a single word in the practical novel he’s scribbled in the margins of the brief constructed response can be misconstrued as disappointed or demanding. 

In fact, you would have cried tears of joy reading this. 

“How was the clinic?” he asks over the turn of another page.

“The most darling kid who didn’t have a Quirk manifest yet at age 5 showed up with worried parents with too much money on their hands.” You twist your mouth to the side. 

Izuku doesn’t look up as he says, “Oh, that’s too bad.”

There’s a pang of discomfort in your chest for a split second, but he doesn’t say anything else, scribbling a series of checkmarks and x’s, the quick scritch of his pen a little louder and resounding.

Izuku was meant to be Quirkless and is happy being Quirkless yet again, his mission fulfilled and the world better for it - even if sometimes only marginally so - but you know he yearns for the ability to be back on the field, with the same restlessness All Might once recounted feeling once he’d retired to teach as well. It’s evident in the way Izuku stays up a little too late reading/watching the news at every level, and how much of his free time he coordinates to a similarly intense training program at the crack of dawn, and the fact that even now he bristles at the implication of Quirklessness as a disability.

Everyone can be a hero. He was the greatest of them all - is, in fact, and not just your personal one, but his own personal world has shrunk. Documentaries, videos, people’s memories will not change that the fact that he’s far bigger than the quiet life he lives.

Now he’s relegated to cheering his friends on, day in and day out, and preparing a path for the youth to surpass him, something he is willing to do, but you know perhaps the timing is a bit too early for someone who shines as brightly as him. 

You rest your head on his shoulder. I love you, you could say out loud, I love you, and the world loves you, for you even more than what you did and what you represent, but it doesn’t help and Izuku cannot help sometimes interpreting your love as pity.

“What do you want for dinner?” you ask instead, keeping your voice as gentle as possible.

He turns to kiss your forehead. “I’m good with anything.”

You hate that no matter what you ask, big or small, he’ll always say this, and decide you’ll order his favorite food instead.

—

Years ago, when Mei contacted you out of the blue while you were ass deep in your medical school finals, asking you if you remembered the last time you’d used your Quirk on Izuku Midoriya, you had immediately assumed she had officially gone insane. It had been greater than five years since you’d last had a normal conversation with her at all, if even that could be considered normal, and you hadn’t had a need to use your Quirk on Izuku since the meta war.

“I know it’s a long shot but I need to know if you still remember-”

“I do,” you answered quickly, then immediately your face warmed at the admission. You can’t help that your Quirk gives you near perfect memory of people by their neuronal diagram, but something about it feels stalkerish when you still think of him affectionately, and not just as someone you’ve once healed. It also doesn’t help what the circumstances were when you’d healed him… but that would be a concern and memory for later.

“How can I help?”

Katsuki rolled his eyes visibly at you when you showed up to Hatsume’s lab the very next day but the animosity between you two has been a running schtick for years and you responded in jest. Using Hatsume’s program to redraw each neuronal connection from memory and adjusting for differences related to age was your greatest contribution to Izuku’s suit, small sums of money to contribute to the class pot whenever you could spare them the other.

There was always a little pang of jealousy that Katsuki could always offer up more money than you could, which once you’d confided to him by late night phone call days before All Might came back to Japan, he’d remind you,

“I’m just trying to beat your boyfriend in a fair fight, don’t make this about you.”

Katsuki’s rash way of speaking has always intuitively comforted you in just this way. It brings a smile to your face, and you offer him a word of thanks, anyway.

“He doesn’t know, does he? I know you like to run your mouth.” 

Katsuki can’t see you roll your eyes. “He’s none the wiser, don’t worry.”

“Good.” 

—

Izuku sends you a daily good morning message, and you’ve rarely beaten him to the punch, but this morning, you offer him a phone call as you make your way to the center of the city to work. All Might is coming back today and will present his suit to him then, the fruit of all your joint labors, and you were practically unable to sleep due to the excitement. Part of you agonized over whether or not you should try to be with him in the moment, but this is a moment to be kept between them, mentor and mentee.

“How are you feeling this morning, Izuku?” you ask, hoping the pants of your speedwalk (late to work as usual), don’t concern him through the phone.

“Weirdly enough, excited. There’s a feeling I can’t quite place, a good one,” he starts, and your grin is ear to ear.

Hours later, you get an excited text and one of the happiest phone calls you’ve ever received, and your heart is full to bursting.

—

“It’s fine, you don’t have to fuss over me,” Izuku insists, and you pout. There’s one stubborn emerald curl that won’t right itself in your opinion, and he’ll be on set for an interview in just a few minutes - the first since returning to active hero work - but he holds your fingers in his hand and pulls them to his lips instead.

“It’s okay. Don’t be nervous on my behalf,” he reminds you as he kisses them. His eyes are kind and relaxing, and you let out a deep breath, biting your lower lip. “I’ve got this, I promise.”

“Fine.”

“I love you,” he reminds you. “Thank you for always being by my side.”

You nod, as his assistant whisks him away, and he steps back into the spotlight, where he’s always belonged.

[asukiess]

I get so incredibly emotional about fanfiction. many a time have I wept about the passage of time—dear 2018 fic that had the authors note etchings that you were in grad school: I hope writing this made midterms more bearable, or at least that one night. thank you for writing my favorite character or ship, it’s comforting to know that I have a friend across time that had the same rot, the same afflictions, the same ideas when experiencing this media. 

dear fanfiction from my adolescence, that made me realize I still had worth outside of conventional creative writing classes. that I was still a writer, even in the dark, even alone. thank you for influencing me in so many ways unbeknownst to you. 

I get emotional about the “missing” parts in an unfinished series—what was in your head, ao3 user? your dreams and hopes and ideas? Or, what about chapter ten, which has triple the amount of comments due to your plot twist. what was that like in the timeline of your life? or, what was it like when you happened to only get one comment on chapter 1? 

the rarepair authors that I’ll never connect with because they moved on: thank you for still leaving it up. 

it’s just. cosmic to me to open these fics from 2,5,10 years ago and see where the author was at, to see where fandom was at, to see anything at all so human!!

I can comment, I can kudos and bookmark, but there’s no obligation for them to write back. I’m just thinking about the passage of time and the idea that we can connect in so many ways!

[therecordconnection]

Some Thoughts Regarding James Somerton

I know I'm rather late to the conversation and some of these points may have already been talked about in some form elsewhere on the site, but if you don't mind, I have some thoughts of my own regarding the subject of hbomberguy's latest video and I would like to take time to voice. This blog is normally dedicated to music and music writing, not posts about disgraced Youtubers, so I apologize for the detour in regularly scheduled programming.

First, I think it's important to make the distinction that Somerton isn't just a case of "problematic Youtube guy got owned... twice" but rather a genuine case of academic dishonesty, which is several grades above youtuber drama. This isn't something like Tati Westbrook getting angry at James Charles for sucking dick and cock at a birthday dinner. This isn't Ethan Klein and Trisha Paytas or whomever having beef. It's not Charlie Critikal talking about some stupid drama of the day or someone just using Youtube videos to say a bunch of gross and problematic stuff. No. This is a fucking grifter who not only lied, cheated, and stole his way to the top, but also did it by using a vulnerable community that has long had their voices snuffed out and their history completely rewritten or wiped from existence altogether. What history he didn't plagiarize, he twisted and outright lied about. He just made shit up to suit his own gross agenda.

A lot of things about James Somerton left me absolutely livid, and I admit that I didn't even know who he was until hbomberguy's video. I think what makes me the most mad is that I went to undergrad and grad school with a number of jackoffs that were just like him. People that didn't give a shit about the art of writing and research and just treated academia and the pursuit of knowledge and how to critically engage with art and media into a stupid game that only chumps take seriously. Somerton pisses me off because I AM a writer. When I write the Ranting and Raving series of posts on here, that stuff doesn't just fly out of my ass. I have to sit with a song, study it, research it, and make sure I know what I'm talking about so I don't look like a clown. I also have to make sure that I link and credit where I'm getting information from. It's not just important for my own satisfaction, but it's important for anyone who stumbles upon a post on this blog and takes time out of their day to read it and/or reblog it.

I think that's the part that makes me the most mad. That he and Nick Hergott have so little respect for the work that goes into researching and writing about a topic that other people are really passionate about. Spending time with something, studying it, and figuring out an interesting and unique perspective on it is a great feeling. Sharing what you find or how you see something with others and having them either like or reblog your work is an even greater feeling. That's my writing that somebody enjoyed and thought was worth sharing with others. Fuck fuck fuck Somerton for thinking you can take a million little shortcuts to get to that result.

While I'm on the topic, I don't think Hergott gets a pass for Somerton's actions. I've seen some people make the argument that he isn't complicit and there's a chance that he genuinely had no clue that Somerton was doing this... but I don't buy it. There's no way he didn't know and wasn't in on it in some capacity. Even if he wasn't, as Todd in the Shadows pointed out in his video on this situation, Nick is, whether you like it or not, an accomplice to Somerton's lies and he is complicit in the blame, due to his name being included in the "Written By" credit of a lot of those videos with Somerton. The way I see it, I find it hard to believe that he couldn't have known. I imagine part of Hergott's signing on with Somerton was that in the event that shit hits the fan, Hergott would be used as a fall guy to help deflect accusations of plagiarism.

To return to Somerton, in a way, he's almost worse than AI/Chat-GPT because, really, an AI has no morals. It can only do what someone punches in and tells it to do. Somerton is a guy who does have genuinely insidious ambitions and knows fully what he's doing. That shit about "only the boring gays who didn't mess around in the eighties survived the aids crisis" is the wildest and grossest accusation I've seen about gay people in some time. The wild takes about the Nazis (especially all the wrong things he said about fitness relating to Nazis) should also raise a lot of red flags. I'll say this though, I don't blame anybody in the slightest for not fully realizing Somerton was saying shit like that or doing all of what he was doing until hbomberguy and Todd presented it a certain way and made it all very clear. It's easy to not notice it when Somerton buries it by ripping stuff off from other, better writers. So, if you were someone who was a big fan and was genuinely shocked by the things Todd had to fact-check and debunk and worried that you're a bad person for having not caught any of them, trust me, you're not. Nobody should blame you for not catching it. <3

While I'm ranting about this, I want to say that Somerton's patreon grift was really gross to see exposed as well (through Dan Olson's really great thread, which can be read here). I understand the allure of wanting to buy expensive gear and thinking that's somehow needed in order to make Good Content™️, but there's a stark difference between someone saying "I think I need to shell out a little money in order to get something of higher quality" and "I need to have the appearance of looking like my stuff is being made with high quality stuff." As someone who has been experimenting with trying to turn his writing into video, I did some audio tests this weekend and realized that maybe (just maybe) the old Turtle Beach microphone my brother left behind when he moved out isn't going to cut it. If I want to record something I can be happy with, I'm gonna have to bite it and look at getting something decent, but somewhat affordable from a Best Buy or something. You don't need the best tech in order to make something great, but you can't use copper tools forever if you have the means to be able to enjoy using iron ones, you know?

Somerton's grift reminded me of guys like Onision and Spoony. Grifters who looked to Patreon and other creator donation sites for an easy pay day and would bitch and cry and complain that it's your fault when they don't get it. Somerton making poor financial choices ON TOP of it being money that he scammed from a community of people that were looking to invest in a voice that they genuinely thought was speaking for them in a meaningful way, only makes the grift more disgusting and foul. Even if he's just "some Youtuber," Somerton still had a responsibility to his audience to present queer topics in an ACCURATE manner. He didn't and we all have the right to be angry with him about it. This isn't just silly youtuber controversy, this is academic dishonesty in it's purest form and if it gets you expelled from any college program, it should get you expelled from being able to show your face on Youtube as well, which is how Somerton's story will end.

I've been on the internet for many years. I've seen some of the worst, most problematic creators of all time find a way to bounce back from all kinds of controversy and find some kind of success again. I don't think that will happen for Somerton. Not one bit. What he's done is something you can never come back from, no matter how much you try to reform. If two different youtubers can make two completely different videos about why you suck, I don't think there's any recovery. What happened this weekend is a now classic episode of World's Most One Sided Fist Fights Caught on Film.

This post has gone on for a while, so let me wrap it up. I mean this without hyperbole and without exaggeration: James Somerton is a disgrace to both media criticism and the art of video creation. I genuinely hope he remains propped up as a cautionary tale of what can happen when you fully decide you have absolutely no respect for the Humanities and decide that lying, cheating, and stealing your way to the top, all while scamming and being incredibly shitty towards a community that has long suffered and is STILL suffering greatly to this day, is better than any kind of academic honesty. I understand that Somerton is just "some youtube fraud" to some people, but the problem lies more in what Somerton's actions and motivations represent. I really think hbomberguy's video on plagiarism is going to do a lot of good. It's going to help a lot of people avoid doing it as well as help people become more aware of what it really looks like and all the damage it can do.

Thank you for your time.

P.S. It doesn't really need to be said at this point, but make sure you support the queer voices and writers that did the work Somerton thought was good enough to just copy and paste into a video. They're the ones that suffered the most through all of this and my heart goes out to them, from one writer to another. <3

[thenadnerb02]

Inside Out Theory Concluded / Thoughts on Inside Out 2 [MAJOR SPOILERS]

Well, here we are folks. Four and a half months after I came up with my Inside Out theory based on the first movie and the sequel’s teaser, and two months after I continued on from that with the proper trailer, Inside Out 2 is here! 

So now that the movie’s come out, how well does my theory hold up? Well, let's discuss.

(Also, I had the great honor to see the first 35 minutes a week early at an event attended by Pete Docter at the Museum of the Moving Image, and a couple of the things he said in the post-screening interview will be referenced here.)

Again, major spoilers for Pixar’s latest movie. If you don't want to be spoiled, then come back.

—————SPOILERS BELOW THIS LINE—————

Okay, quick recap: I theorized that the 4 new emotions are directly influenced by the actions, thoughts, etc. of the main 5. They’re the embodiments of combinations of emotions and they can physically manifest now that Riley has matured. I figured that this would be the big twist of Inside Out 2. Well, was it?

No. No it wasn’t…

While I don’t think the theory is completely invalidated, it doesn’t mesh well with the second half of the movie.

When I first developed this theory, I had in mind that the new emotions would be fully aware of their connection to the old ones, but it’s clear this isn't the case. Anxiety initially has no idea what's going on when Joy and co. start envisioning positive outcomes of the hockey game, Embarrassment is surprised when he notices Sadness sneaked back into Headquarters, Ennui is shocked to discover Sadness stole her phone, etc.

Plus, the theory hinged upon the fact that Riley has demonstrably felt the new emotions before, but Inside Out 2 provides us a new plausible explanation for how that could be.

This room right here! While never explicitly referred to as such in the film, Docter called this a waiting area for emotions before it's their time to appear in Headquarters. And if Nostalgia is there 10+ years ahead of schedule, then there’s no reason why Anxiety, Envy, Embarrassment, and Ennui wouldn’t have been there during the first film. Their presence meant Riley could still feel those emotions even if they didn’t have access to the console yet.

And as cool as it would’ve been for my theory to be correct, after seeing Inside Out 2 I'm kind of glad it wasn't. The movie’s overall message is to embrace every part of yourself, and thinking that some of those emotions aren’t fully-formed beings of their own doesn’t sit right with me anymore.

Oh well.

Now, onto the second half of this post. As someone who deals with anxiety on a regular basis, I must commend Pixar on how accurate the emotion is depicted here. One thing I didn’t think of before I saw the movie (but in retrospect I feel like I should have) is how in addition to the worrying we often associate with the emotion, Anxiety also works hard to push Riley forward.

Sometimes my anxiety leads to endless worrying about the future, but it also pushes me to be productive and try new things. Funny how it can be both a motivator and a de-motivator at the exact same time.

For starters: catastrophizing about every possible bad outcome to a situation.

This is definitely something I experience during stressful situations. Sometimes I try to rationalize this under the belief that assuming the worst will make good things feel better, but ultimately (just like Anxiety), I get so focused on the worst that could happen that I disregard the possible good outcomes. But just like we see in the movie, it’s unhealthy to simply hyperfocus on the bad possibilities.

Another experience I have with anxiety is fretting over things in the far future when there’s much more pertinent things that could be focused on instead. For example, I won’t begin my grad school animation program for another two months, but sometimes I worry about it as if I’m already neck-deep in my M.F.A. I don’t have to stress over that right now, but sometimes I can’t help but do it anyway.

We see this at the end of the movie, where Anxiety spirals about Riley’s distant future, but eventually Joy calms her down by reminding her she doesn’t have to worry about that right now. (And she gets her Anxie-Tea!)

The belief threads and sense of self are cool additions to the canon of Inside Out. (A sense of self definitely feels like something a person would have before age 12, but let’s not think about that too much right now.) And the thing in this movie I found relatable most of all is what happens to the sense of self once Anxiety takes the reins of Riley’s life: it goes from “I’m a good person” to “I’m not good enough.” And I can say with 100% certainty that this kind of distressing self-talk is what happens when anxiety shapes one’s sense of self.

Anxiety literally forcing other emotions out of HQ is an excellent metaphor for what it feels like when anxiety gets extreme. We make no room for other emotions as anxiety builds up, and as we do our mental health state only grows worse.

(Although from my personal experience at least, this “I’m not good enough” mentality actually involves envy as well as anxiety, since what you’re really thinking is “I’m not good enough in comparison to others.”)

At the end of the day, Anxiety wanted what was best for Riley. She really, really did. It’s painful to watch her panic so much that Riley seemed to be close to a heart attack. And yeah, that’s what anxiety attacks are like — we get too caught up in worrying for the future that we forget to have joy.

And while we shouldn't let our sense of self be shaped solely by anxiety, we can't just repress the parts of ourselves we don't like Joy was initially doing with certain memories.

It's by finding that perfect balance and loving every part of ourselves that we can avoid complete breakdowns.

And it can be hard. It really can. As the film so poignantly notes, we tend to feel less joy as we get older. We can’t just have fun all the time like when we were little kids, but at the same time all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

We have a complete rainbow of emotions inside our heads, and even when things get hard and overwhelming, we must embrace all of our emotions because they all have an important role to play.

Or as Disgust puts it:

“You must make your curse your gift.”

[catboybiologist]

boymoders always be like "I'm not passing" while still activating the lesbian neurons in my brain smh how can both those things be true

anyway congrats on passing the thing!! my viva is coming ever closer and I'm def a little nervous lmao, how long did it take?

Good luck! I... had to look up what a Viva was, tbh. As far as I understand it, Vivas are another subtle difference between the two PhD systems in the world, so just to clarify: I do NOT have my PhD, but this is the most significant midway step. And this now has me on my whole little rant about the two PhD systems again!

Just a quick reminder if y'all aren't aware: there are two PhD systems in the world, largely split by geographic region, and I think this is why this confused me.

System A (the Americas, East Asia): the total time of the PhD is 5-7 years, the only strict entry requirement is a bachelor's degree (although, due to inflating standards, this is becoming less true in practice). Ends with a thesis defense on the research project you did during your time. At some midway point, you have a qualifying exam, which is a presentation you give about your project with the added twist that your committee is supposed to grill you about any subject even tangentially related to your research topic. The timing of this varies from the end of the first year to right before the thesis defense.

System B (Africa, Europe, Oceania, elsewhere in Asia): total time of a PhD is 3-5 years, but typically requires a separate master's degree or technical certification to start. Culminates in both a Viva, which is similar to our quals, and a defense? I think? Someone please correct me here.

They both total to the same amount of experience, its just split differently.

Currently, I'm 1.5 years into my PhD. This is pretty early to take my qual- my department does them early, because they're supposed to decide the direction of the rest of the years of your research, and I took it earlier than usual on top of that as well. I also already have a masters degree in a related but not quite the same subject (bioinformatics) so technically it's taken me 3.5 years of grad school.

Also. You're gay.

[hpowellsmith]

Hello!

You recently recommended Professor of Magical Studies as one of your favorite ChoiceScript games.

While you've discussed the others games before, I don't think you've talked about this one yet. Why do you recommend this one?

It's an urban fantasy game about going to grad school and studying pattern magic, a type of magic that can bend reality and, it's rumoured, also break it. As an undergrad, you were involved in a magical... incident with two of your friends, one of whom you haven't seen since and the other, well, threw you under the bus and sabotaged you at the moment when your academic career was about to take off.

Now you're back, dealing with old faces and new, and coping with academic life again - teaching, magical research, eldritch monstrosities, and shadowy plots.

I like academic stories a lot and this one feels very incisive; there's workplace drama and backbiting along with forming bonds and uncovering mysteries. It's a chunky IF, with lots of branches that I saw and didn't take (and far more that I wouldn't have even noticed) while keeping a very solid, substantial playthrough experience that felt like a very complete story in its own right.

There were a couple of things I wasn't so keen on: the internal artwork wasn't my cup of tea and didn't really match the descriptions of the characters, but you can turn it off. There are several flashbacks in the first chapter to illustrate what happened during your time in undergrad; others won't have a problem with that but flashbacks are a hard sell for me especially early on. But they are relevant both in the short and long term in the game, so I'm very glad I stuck with it!

The romances and friendships feel very real, taking time to get to know each other and (re)building trust if you want that, and the characters feel important both to the player and to the plot. The romances I went for felt nuanced, and it wasn't just a question of "be nice to this character until they sleep with you or say they love you" - there were complications to navigate.

Also I ended up with a polyamorous option that felt real and very well-thought-out! I don't often play polyamorous options but this one was great.

Basically it's a great academia story, a great fantasy story, and a very well put together game! The author Stephen Granade is a longstanding IF author and you can tell how much thought has been put into making all these branches and twists work together.

[wolfiemcwolferson]

hello, unusual request of mine, but for the prompt thing .. could you maybe do 9???????

thank u love u

hi baby, Piarles son of my CEO with a twist. I was going to make everyone suffer DEEPLY about this pre-race drabble but I decided against it after making myself very sad.

Pierre has no business being here.

It's too late, it's too hot, and he's got to be in a meeting to meet the new nepo hire tomorrow morning at 10 AM.

But, that's why he's here.

His guy - the one he hired and trained and turned into the perfect employee - was passed over for the son of the CFO.

He's barely out of grad school - probably can't write a report without consulting his textbooks.

And he's meant to be Pierre's equal. He's meant to be the person that Pierre is going to work with on major acquisitions - trust to read his mind and stay late. Do all the work that Pierre does.

So, he swore off doing this - off dragging pretty boys in bars home when he should be home sleeping and resting his brain for his job, but he's here and there's a boy sucking on the side of his neck while they ride the elevator to his floor.

"You live in a nice place." The Pretty Boy says when the elevator stops and Pierre hums, squeezing his waist, pulling him down the hallway.

They haven't spoken much. There had been some dancing and some light kissing and then he had been the one to ask Pierre if he wanted to leave with him.

He's electric though. He's electric underneath his touch and he's beautiful even in the harsh light of the hall and Pierre knows he's the kind of guy he would ask on a proper date if they met in a coffee shop or maybe at the gym.

"I do," Pierre smiles at him as he pushes the door open and then there's no more talking for awhile.

There's no more talking for exactly three hours and then there's too much talking for Pierre's liking, but he can't seem to stop.

Charles is funny as hell and he's kind of stupid and he's the best fuck Pierre has had in ages, and he's eating Pierre's lunch currently, standing up at the counter while Pierre sits across from him, accepting cold chunks of sweet potatoes off the fork.

"I just think," Charles laughs through a mouthful of potato and a smile, "that no one actually hates action movies. They say that because they want to seem cultured and interesting and above it!"

Pierre has to swallow a piece of potato that's a bit too big so he doesn't choke on it.

"There is not another genre of anything that lets you look at a dirty, hunk of man, doing things that no human being should be able to do, and -"

"Okay, yes!" Pierre agrees with him, but he waves his hand to try and get him to stop talking. "But that doesn't really do it for me so maybe that's -"

Charles spears another sweet potato and hangs his head. "There's not a single part of you that enjoys the thought of some big strong man throwing you over their shoulder and -"

He squeals because the stool Pierre was in falls to the floor and Pierre is chasing him around the counter and it's way too much for a hook-up but Pierre can't care.

Charles is gone when he wakes up, but his name and his number are on the fridge whiteboard calendar in the Saturday slot and Pierre understands that he's meant to call him on Saturday, but he's running a bit late, so he just dumps his ruined lunch into the trash and grabs one of those canned coffees that he keeps in the fridge and hopes that his shirt goes high enough to cover the bruise on his neck that Charles left with his teeth.

He's going to call him. He's already decided.

Pierre is halfway through his morning routine. He's checked his email on the train and now he's responding to everything urgent and he's about to go and debrief with Alex about their upcoming meeting, but Otmar knocks on his door, sticking his head through it immediately.

"He's here," he says simply and Pierre abandons his emails and he knows that he won't be talking with Alex. He walks into the hallway after Otmar, expecting to be met with the face of a literal child except -

Charles stands there, new badge around his neck, hands in the pockets of his black suit pants, smiling at Esteban with his eyes crinkled up and Pierre thinks he might just die.

That's the fresh faced grad that he's going to have to suffer through.

"It's nice to meet you," and then Charles makes a show of looking at his badge, "Pierre. I hear we are going to be working together on acquisitions."

Pierre has regrets, but he nods at Charles, making a show of looking at his badge too. "Charles, we will be spending most of our evenings together."

And then when Charles reaches out to shake his hand, Pierre squeezes on it too hard, watching Charles' nostrils flare.

He's swearing off pretty boys in clubs. He decides. For good this time.

[mirambles]

Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahaani - An honest review

I watched Rocky aur Rani ki Prem Kahaani because everyone I know on social media and few close folks in my real life said it was very entertaining - funny, progressive, feminist , and it showed gender equality.

So I was taken aback, because the general sentiment for KJo movies should be ‘It’s so shit, but I love it’ - that is a sentiment I can live with because we all have our guilty pleasures.

KJo has his audience who love the shit he pulls off every time he ‘directs’ a film with toxic masculinity, regressive female leads , justifying infidelity (always the answer to unhappy marriages) , glorifying Indian culture, where he adds 30 mins of melodrama and lectures to make the characters redeem themselves. Kjo’s movies are as lame as they can be, but people love them. I get it - ‘this shit is so bad, it’s so good’ category of films. Guilty pleasures are exactly this!

So sell me his new offering in exactly this manner - but all reviews and social media comments were glowing words of praise of how he has addressed today’s issues and it’s a progressive film. Are people suffering from amnesia or have they not watched better Bollywood films? Because I have a whole list of films you should watch that actually deal with ‘progressive’ mindsets - way before Kjo’s time!

Rani is a feminist. A FL as feisty news anchor who gives a 5 min lecture on men’s gaze, objectification of women and rape culture, but does an absolute U-turn 5 mins later by objectifying a handsome man in front of her. This is gender equality. Tit for Tat.

Wearing open back blouses to work is sign of new age feminism (Will I get trolled for sounding old school - has KJo ever stepped inside a corporate workspace - who dresses like Rani does?) What’s next? Women CEOs wearing bikinis? And why not get all men to dress like Rocky Randhawa - that would be peak gender equality in dress code at workplace.

Infidelity is the answer to all unhappy marriages. Remember KANK? Yes, let’s repeat that here, but let’s twist it into unrequited love between the senior citizens. Then add memory loss and illness excuse to get the 80yr old grandpa smooch his 75yr old ex-lover in front of his wife and entire family. The issue is not old age love, age is never a restriction to fall in love, the issue here is infidelity. But if this isn’t cringe enough, let’s completely destroy the most beautiful romantic number in Bollywood by playing it in the background to immortalise infidelity and later lust under the garb of love.

Let’s get back to our feminism torch bearer Rani, who has now jumped from knowing the guy for two meetings to lusting over him. She is honest with herself (not with Rocky mind you, because at no point have they had any conversation about themselves) that she is in it purely for the physical attraction, it’s just a fling for her. She is an elitist , feminist, Colombian grad, Bengali Girl (who has a terrible Bengali accent) and the crude, can’t speak English well, Gucci/Fendi wearing, Ferrari driving, protein shake drinking, loud Punjabi boy doesn’t match up to her standards. Kjo’s new level of feminism - make women pull the exact shit on men that men have put women through for decades. Tit for Tat! Gender Equality.

Btw at this point I still don’t know why Rocky loves Rani - love at first sight is always about the looks and physical attraction, so convince me why he loves her - because isn’t he this walking-talking green flag just by being understanding of his grandpa’s feelings and calling out Rani checking him out. A walking green flag who gets his grandpa’s ex-lover and his grandpa together to help his grandpa get better - because love is the cure for all illnesses. All doctors and medical researchers have been wasting their time on getting degrees and super specialisations - please enter Kjo’s school of love.

So now Rani realises she is in love - when and why and what changed her feelings from lust to love - I do not know. She drives on a 4-lane highway in the opposite direction - woman should have died there for her reckless driving, but she lives to propose to Rocky on a f&*king Highway! Bollywood I love you for pulling off this shit.

This is supposed to be the pivotal point in their relationship where she professes her love to him, going down on one knee (because hey you see role reversal - she is the feminist, the alpha female) and telling Rocky everything that HE IS NOT , listing her resume and her exes’. Therefore implying he doesn’t deserve her, but she is taking the high road and still falling for him. All the reasons she lists that she loves about him are actually about his physical aspects = Lust. She doesn’t list one meaningful quality that she actually ‘loves’ about him.

It is at this point that I gave up on the film, because after this RRKPK became a collation of scenes dedicated to social media trending topics:

1. Women burdened with household work

2. Women not liberated enough to pursue their dreams

3. Women being fat shamed

4. Cancel culture

5. Men being shamed for pursuing classical dancing (KJo research FFS - 50% of India’s top kathak dancers are males right from 1940s! )

Each topic got 1-2 scenes, tweets converted to preachy dialogues uttered by our ‘feminist’ queen and zero closures or character growth.

The only thing that works in this movie - is Ranveer , not his character, but him! He is effortless in this role, his comic timing is superb, needs some work on emotions.

Alia is a shadow of her awesome self on screen post her marriage to Ranbir. It hurts to say this, cause I have loved her in all her movies except SOTY.

Can people age gracefully, I couldn’t bear to look at Shabana Azmi and Jaya B - former was gorgeous as hell in her younger days, now is swollen with all the Botox fillers! Jaya has forgotten to act completely. Dharmendra should not even be acting anymore.

What was the point of rest of the cast? Only Alia’s dad was a decent act.

The one thing I absolutely love in KJo movies is the music and songs! These were crap too. What Jhumka? Because ruining all the songs from ‘The Golden’ decade of Bollywood was not enough, so they made a terrible mashup of Badtameez Dil & Jhumka Gira Re and killed both the songs in one go! Takes some skill doing this - well done!

Why this long rant if I disliked the movie so much, that too KJo movies? I wouldn’t have written one, if the reviews and comments were honest about the movie being average, typical entertainment; but the moment people praised it to nth level of being socially relevant with feminist heroine and gender equality - they deserved to be called out for their shallow thought process thinking that KJo actually cares about any of this stuff.

Worst people think this is ‘quintessential’ Bollywood. Please watch better films - like Amitabh’s roaring 70s, the romance films of 90s, the fun comedies, the glorious slice of life films from Hrishida, the Yash Chopra multistarrers - that’s quintessential, genuine, charm of Bollywood.

Lastly before I wrap this up - RRKPK when literally translated is Love Story of Rocky and Rani. I spent 2.5 hours on this shit show and I still don’t know the answer to why and how they fell in love! They didn’t have one decent conversation about themselves! The latter half is about them wooing their families. The film should have been aptly titled ‘Randhawa and Chatterjee Ki Prem Kahaani’ - It’s all about loving your family - K3G Part 2!

[uncleasad]

Dinner tonight was accompanied by An Ice Palace Romance, a recent Hallmark “Christmas in July“ movie. Although I’ve posted about several Hallmark movies, I typically don’t watch them unless the lead is an actress I know and enjoy (Lacey Chabert, Autumn Reeser, Rachael Leigh Cook, Bethany Joy Lenz, among others) or the premise really grabs me—or there is absolutely nothing else on and I need something to distract me while cooking/baking/enduring figmageddon. This one was definitely the second case (though the male lead is one of Hallmark’s regulars), and I wasn’t completely sold on it from the promos, but there was enough there that I thought it was worth recording—and I’m glad I did.

The plot was less obsessed with Christmas than some of Hallmark’s Christmas movies, which was fine, because I am not a Christmas obsessive; it played a background role and, honestly, they could have removed the word “Christmas” and everything still would have fit. The movie’s ultimate appeal was twofold: first, ice-skating, and second, a “you can’t go home again” plot, which is one of my favorite tropes. (Being from the south, ice skating was always something akin to magic, not a thing of this world—although one of my elementary school classmates was a competitive figure skater for many years. In college a friend of mine taught me to skate—or at least not fall down—one afternoon when I was back in town, and I later went twice to the Sculpture Garden Ice Rink in grad school…but for me, ice skating is still magic.)

Relative newcomer (as a leading lady) Celeste Desjardins was thoroughly charming as former hometown champion ice skater and Olympic hopeful, and current rising big city journalist, Lori Mitchell, and there is a real sadness to her face that was perfect here. The main plot was tried-and-true: a slick (and shifty) big-city developer steamrolling his way through, his sights set on the historic heart of the town—here, The Ice Palace, the local ice rink that has been in the male lead’s family for something like five generations. But like the best Hallmark movies, this one puts a nice twist on on the familiar plot, with a lesson, explicitly stated and applicable to many of the characters, and in fact to all of us: that we should hold on to and honor traditions, but we should not hold so tightly that we close ourselves off entirely to the idea of anything new or to all change whatsoever.

There was actually so much in this film, with all the action needed to move the pieces around for the main plot, that some of the emotional beats didn’t get quite the attention that they usually do—even the main romance itself was extremely understated. In particular, there was a subplot they only really hinted at, where Lori needed to reconcile the two halves of herself, the small-town figure skating champion of her past (and all of that trauma and baggage she has never unpacked), and the rising, driven, career journalist of her present, and figure out who she really is/wants to be. (She does do this, sorta, in a couple of sentences of conversation with her gay best friend/coworker, and she obviously makes her choice, but there wasn’t really screen time devoted to figuring that out.) I don’t think the movie is necessarily hurt for not giving that thread time, but I think with an extra half-hour or hour to devote to some of these subplots and spread out some of the action a bit more, it would have been an even stronger film.

And now my easily-distracted mind is thinking about those Hosie ice sports AUs I talked about with @evilpenguinrika…(I know, I know, I have something else to finish first! 😭)

[stevetonyweekly]

SteveTony Weekly - November 12

Happy weekend, friends! I’ve got a short list for you this week, which tbh, is gonna be the trend for a while. Work is increasingly busy, as are family commitments, and grad school is scheduled for January. Sorry about that. Anyway--enjoy these recs and be sure to leave a comment/kudo for your fic authors! 

~*~

stellar collision by Pandemic

He turns sixteen in front of his bathroom mirror with a chill across his skin, goosebumps on his arms, and a burn across his sternum. A wet laugh bubbles up from his mouth, too close to tears, as he watches avidly as ink pours across his skin. He thumbs the mark, presses into it, and gasps when he feels his stomach twist and a feeling he can’t shake that his soulmark is somewhere out there doing the same.

"I loved them instantly. It’s remarkable. Where was that love before? Where did you acquire it from? The way it is suddenly there, total and complete, as sudden as grief but in reverse, is one of the wonders of being human.”

Dedicated to You by mariana_oconnor

Steve Rogers is happy with his life. He runs a small bookshop, has good friends, and he fervently believes that the printed page is not obsolete. He's not expecting Tony Stark, billionaire inventor of the best e-reader on the market and perennial prey of the gossip magazines, to walk through the door.

His friends think he's crazy not to at least get the man's number, considering he's had a crush on Tony for years, but as luck would have it Steve might just get another chance.

A Notting Hill AU.

it's a small world after all by earliebirb 

“Great speech.”

Smiling at the compliment, Tony turns around. “Thank y—”

And nearly drops his champagne flute.

His world comes to a stop.

They had only spent a night together, but Tony would recognize those baby blues anywhere.

It’s Steve.

Steve from Tony’s London business trip. Or, as Rhodey has become accustomed to calling him—The Soulmate That Got Away.

Selvage by elwenyere

When a mysterious knight is wounded in battle while protecting King Anthony Stark, it's hard to tell who's more frustrated: the king, who has so far failed to discover any clues to the missing man's identity, or the king's personal attendant, Steven Rogers, who can't believe King Anthony took the field in the first place.

What Lies Inside by Penumbren

When the Avengers discover Captain America in the Arctic sea, they find more than just a new team member: Tony Stark discovers his fated mate. The problem is, Steve Rogers is a man out of his own time and apparently straight, and Tony's not about to force anything on the man he loves--even if it means his own death. Besides, Tony's spent his entire life keeping secrets. How can he possibly tell Steve that he's really Iron Man, let alone a werewolf?

this is the long haul by meidui

It takes them eleven years to go on a first date.

the steve rogers rating system by meidui

Tony has an internalised Steve Rogers rating system, but it’s not standardised. It’s also not a foolproof system because Steve behaves in ways that crash it all the time.

Advice for the Modern Merman by KandiSheek 

It's been ten years since technological advancement finally allowed merpeople to join the regular human society. Steve never thought he'd be dating the man who made it all possible.

Or Call Me Something Else by FestiveFerret

There are things Steve Rogers doesn't like about the future - see: Instagram - and there are things Steve Rogers loves about the future - see: hot, wild, no-strings-attached sex with Tony Stark. That is, until Tony drops the "b" word, and Steve realizes that what he thought was casual fun was something much more serious to the other man.

A platform for love by BladeoftheNebula 

Single parent Steve has a scary moment on the subway, but thankfully a handsome stranger saves the day.

Can't Write One Song (That's Not About You) by FestiveFerret 

Ten years ago, Tony fell in love with his roommate: funny, handsome, kind, smart Steve Rogers, who also happened to be the lead singer and guitarist of a band, The Howlies.

Then The Howlies made it big, Steve moved away, and Tony vowed to avoid any mention of the band, their songs, and the man he missed his chance with.

But chance has a way of giving you exactly what you need, even if you don't know it yet...

you'll be mine and i'll be yours by complicationstoo 

Five words ruin Tony's life.

“He doesn't love me back,” Steve says, and Tony feels his world crumble to pieces at his feet.

Steve loves someone, and Tony knows it isn't him.

The warmth of your cheek against mine by BlossomsintheMist

Steve's hurt. Tony looks after him. Established relationship.

I'll turn hours into gardens by nanasekei

Every week, a plant arrives.

Double or Nothing by RurouniHime 

One of these days, they're actually going to get that sleepover.

Steve's patient, Tony's determined, and Bucky is... wait, what's the opposite of helping? (otherwise known as the sex-filled sequel to Place Your Bets)

Sugar Seeking Sugar by NotEvenCloseToStraight

After Howard kicks Omega!Tony out, Tony is left to raise baby!Peter by himself. Working a crappy job and barely surviving, the Omega is desperate for help. When Omega!Clint suggests a Sugar Daddy, Tony is first horrified then resigned to what might be his only option to keep food on the table.

Alpha!Steve has a career, a big house, and money but is lonely every day of his life and doesn't know how to change it. When Alpha!Bucky suggests a Sugar Baby, Steve is first scandalized and then hesitantly open to at least trying.

The Sugar Seeking Sugar Agency matches Tony and Steve, and sparks fly right away between the pair. One date leads to two, then shopping trips and sleepovers, and Tony has money for bills, diapers and baby clothes while Steve is happy with the company and quickly falling in love.

Alphas usually don't want to deal with another Alpha's kid, so Tony keeps Peter a secret as long as he can but eventually he has to tell Steve about his past, his complicated life and what it might mean for their relationship.

Will the truth put a stop to their slowly progressing romance, or is a family with Tony exactly what lonely Alpha!Steve has always wanted?

[dirtmunch]

Absolute man child crazy shit under the cut. This is why I don't make male friends or let men get close to me and regret it every fucking time I give even the most bare minimum, specially acceptable in a professional setting type cordiality

Let me preface this by saying I have been OPENLY gay around school. My interactions with this guy could be described as "casual friend/classmate colleague" shit. Like we have a few shared interests (anime) but like what art student doesn't. I've never flirted w this dude, I've never ha more than short convos with him irl or text.

My friend's roommate is suddenly movinout, I had resigned w my place but we were like fuck it let's find a subletter so I can move in w u!!! So I've been saying that I'm looking for a subletter BECAUSE I want to move in w my friend! And this guy who's another art grad is like "I get kicked out of student housing in at the end of May, I'm potentially interested" and he eventually decided to. So I'm trying to get this show in the road and get fees payed and shit squared away cuz my friend has a deadline, she's SOL and needs to know if she needs to start looking for a place. Radio silence for a couple days.

Fast forward to when I'm walking to my car after watching TV w a friend and I see this insane rambling from this fucking shit idiot man child motherfucker

Also: this guy is pushing *40*

Like literally what the fuck is this, I am not in love w u, I enver wanted to move in or have a cat together, I was saying *I* wanted to get *my own* fucking cat when I move places!!! How fu ked are you in the head where that was twisted into "we are in love and moving in and getting a cat together tee hee!!!"

I can be as dykey as possible, make it clear I am not interested in men, and somehow they will find to make their mental image of me revolve around them. Loser fucking socially maladjusted men are the biggest fucking waste of breath and space. They do not see women as seperate beings w their own thoughts and feelings, they think of them as solutions for problems, and means to which they fulfill some personal agenda. I am suck of being barraged for years and years by inappropriate, uncomfortable advances that violate my boundaries and that paint me as some bad guy for not claiming responsibility for THEIR own fucking feelings and THEIR underdeveloped social skills and brains. KYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aidanchaser]

I didnt get into the grad program i wanted so im just gonna occasionally post the essays that werent good enough

There’s a picture of my mother standing on the Santa Monica pier when she was in her twenties that startles me every time I see it. “I don’t remember that,” I think to myself, and then recall that it is not a picture of me at all. 

 Like my great-grandmother washing out linens to be reused monthly, like my grandmother folding aluminum foil during the Depression, like my mother recovering old chairs in new threads, I, too, am the roots of something old remade into new growth. I am the recycled blood and bones of those who came before me.

There are many threads that tie the women of my family together, and education is perhaps one of the strongest. Teaching and learning is practically engraved into my DNA sequence. My great-grandmother taught elementary school. My grandmother taught art. My mother teaches all grades, all subjects. And now I, despite swearing as a child that I would never become a teacher, teach reading and writing.

But it isn’t just teaching that my family values. My mother and father both pursued higher degrees while my sisters and I were young. Family dinners were debates more than they were conversations. I was expected as a child to both finish my lima beans and explain my reasoning. It feels inevitable, really, that I keep returning to school no matter how hard I try to leave it.

When it came time to pursue education on my terms, beyond the requirements of high school, I knew that my path would have to be creative. I began in English, ended up in Film, and after a brief period of wandering, went back to school to study education. Like any good wanderer, I struggled to decide what to teach. I looked at programs in Ireland for film; I reviewed my art portfolio for submission; I studied for history and English exams; I studied linguistic terms late into the night.

Though I settled in English, it never felt inevitable. I have been a storyteller since I was four years old, putting together a drama amongst my stuffed animals that would rival Days of Our Lives plot twists—forbidden marriages, illicit affairs, runaway teens—but I love film and history as much as I love books, and for just the same reasons. Art and history reflect humanity in all its intricacies and complexities. Writing is just one way those stories can be told, and it is the art form that I have loved the longest. 

I’ve been reading since I was about two years old. My parents joke that they taught me the alphabet and its sounds and I was a lost cause after that. First it was books about animals, then mysteries, then fantastical adventures. I sought out stories of wonder and danger, stories where outcasts triumphed over rigid societies and righted the wrongs of their ancestors. 

As grateful as I am for my inheritance, for the love of learning that has been bred into me, there are parts of my inheritance that I am still struggling to extricate myself from. 

When I was fifteen, I realized that I was a lesbian. I didn’t know all that it meant, but I knew enough to keep my mouth shut about it. Keeping my mouth shut, though, wasn’t truly enough. It didn’t stop the letters from my grandmother when she found out that I was a bridesmaid in a lesbian wedding, warning me that my soul was in danger. It didn’t stop my mother from commenting that my childhood friends, who were now a lovely pair of brides, “Of course would still be welcome at our home, though we couldn’t attend their wedding if we were invited.” Notably, my mother was not invited.

Though there are days where it feels hard to breathe—and while I believe there will always be those days—stories are the things that have saved my life. It was the story of a young man sitting in a tea parlor with his grandmother, reminding him of how people will look at him if they knew he was gay that gave me courage to reply to my grandmother’s letters, at least insisting that I knew where I belonged even if I couldn’t tell her the truth of who I am. It was the story of a young woman coming out to her mother as a bisexual for the first time and that awkward conversations that at least allowed me to tell my mother with confidence that I wasn’t going to get married, even though I couldn’t quite tell her why.

I am still picking away at the structures I have been born into, but writing stories has been a blissful escape and a glimmer of hope. Since I was four years old, making up dramas about my stuffed animals, until today, reviewing a friend’s notes on a short story over my morning coffee, I have been telling my own stories and struggling to make order out of the complexities of living.

As I process the good and the bad that I have been born with, and that I have cultivated in myself, I am still learning how to be fully myself and to fully love myself. Right now, reading has helped me be okay with who I am. But I am tired of penciling my grief into the margins of others’ stories. I want to give back. I want to tell stories that give others the courage that I needed. It’s my earnest hope that this program will provide me with the tools I need to refine my craft and share those polished stories with others.

[freshlyrage]

Running Like Water

Chapter 6

whats playing: Liar by Paramore

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues, first few chapters are flashbacks to high school, they WILL NOT be explicit just fluff.

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 5.8k

May 19th 1980

Chucho and mama went out to dinner with a few other parents on graduation night. Half of it because the parents wanted to celebrate on their own. You had sat in the blazing sun, holding commencement books, looking for your brother’s name. Genie put her digital camera to good use that afternoon, snapping pictures of Frankie crossing the stage and loud cheers when Lorraine walked across. Javier jumped from his seat, placing two fingers in his mouth before letting out a loud whistle.

A deep kiss, his hands wrapped around her hips, and he leans into her body completely. You snapped the picture as Genie was busy telling Frankie how proud she was of him. That typical feeling of melancholy was running straight through your bones. You start to think about how you were going to manage him leaving for college next year.

You swallow, there's still time. A year from now, I have time.

The other half of the parent date night was giving you all space to hang out in the basement. One couch and an armchair. The grads of the night, your curly haired brother and Lorraine.

The new status this summer; you, an incoming sophomore. Javier, a soon to be senior. Frankie and Lorraine, newly grads. And Genie, a popular- the most popular hairdresser in Laredo.

You were sat in your typical positions. Your knees to your chest, a bit separated from everyone as you sit on the lounge chair. Genie leaning on Frankie’s shoulder, he refused to take off his cap despite graduating 4 hours ago. And Lorraine had her legs spread across Javi’s lap as he toyed with the anklet she sported.

A blunt being passed around, this time it was handed to you. Oh, how things have changed.

“So, you became friends after fighting someone for her? some things never change.” Lorraine giggles and hands the smoke to her boyfriend as he nods. His eyes looking down at the blunt before inhaling. Your intoxicated eyes watched the way his lips wrapped around it. Lorraine catching you in the act, “Alright Drea obviously wants some.” She slaps his chest, and he reaches to pass it to you.

Not quite Lorraine, not quite.

You smile a thanks, chasing the smoke. It was the second one of the night so you were already pretty high. Your once large eyes were now low and red. “Truth or dare?” Genie asks Frankie.

Oh god, not this. Not while I’m high.

 You pass it to Frankie. “Truth.” He inhales, Genie sits straight up. She has a devilish look on her face, like she has been waiting so long to press her boyfriend. Javi and Lorraine were now leaning over to watch. She tosses her hair to the side, “Is it true that you fucked Fernanda during our break this winter?” You, Lorraine, and Javi collectively groan.

“Seriously?!” You whine, she has brought this up at every smoke session. Frankie raises his hands in defense.

“No, I literally just gave her a ride home. Not every girl that has gotten in my car has had the privilege of having sex with me.” He laughs before passing it back to Genie, who still had eyes of suspicion. Your face twists in disgust at your brother.

“Vouch!” Javi blurts while staring at you. It takes your clouded mind a minute to get his joke before you give him a delayed annoyed glance. Lorraine gets the joke late like you and slaps his shoulder.

“Better not.” She whispers with a giggle before kissing his cheek.

Someone light me on fire.

Frankie leans in to kiss Genie as an apology for something he didn’t do. Lorraine sits straight up before looking at you. “Truth or Dare Andrea.” A devious smile crawling on her face. No brainer, “Truth.” There’s no way you were accepting a dare, not with Javier in the room. Hell no, not when he’s staring at you.

She looks to Javi and then back to your very nervous face. You were already picking at the dry skin at your lips. “Cover your ears Frankie.” She demands, he doesn’t protest. Lorraine leans forward, staring at you with her blue eyes. “Did you give Daniel a HJ last weekend?”

Your stomach drops and your eyes dart to Frankie, he doesn’t react so he surely didn’t hear but Genie sure did. Then with panic your eyes move to Javi, who had been the one to save you from the party. His nostrils flare for a moment and he leans forward. How the fuck does every hook up I have end up being public information? And why would Daniel talk when Javi had scared him shitless?

Javier’s expression doesn’t budge. Feeling hot, you laugh nervously, “Man you people are fucking up my high.” You run hands through your hair. “S’making me all paranoid.”

“Answer her.” Javi stated with a deep tone that had been so similar to the one he gave Daniel.

You raise your hands in a drunken defense, similar to Frankie-who now seemed to be annoyed with having to cover his ears. “Yes I did, jeez.” You whine, leaning back into the chair.

Javier scoffs with a genuine face of disgust and Lorraine laughs loudly. ��My god Andrea slow down!” She playfully kicks you. The smoking lasted for a few more minutes until you were all a bit too high, well maybe just you and Lorraine. The rest of them were experts, at this point it took them 3 blunts and a bowl to actually feel high. The truths and dares lasted. It was back to Lorraine.

“Truth or Dare baby?” She looks at him through heavy lids. He had just picked dare last round and was now wearing Lorraine’s bra on-top of his classic Peña button down shirt. He begins to unclip it though, as the conditions was that he could take it off after it circled back to him.

“Truth.” He says, mixing it up. He places the bra on her lap. Lorraine gives him a look only he can read because for a second he gives her pleading eyes, please don’t eyes. You have never seen him so worried. God, your mouth get so fucking dry when your high. 

“Is it true that we’re moving away?” She asks with her big blue eyes staring at him with deep dimples. Your breathing immediately shakes. You couldn’t help it, you couldn’t help your face of utter confusion. Her smile was so big and his face seemed like he had just seen a ghost.

Oh.

Her grin was the only one in the room as everyone’s faces- well they were all confused. You look to Javi again and his eyes fall in shame. Your brows crease and you could already feel emotion climbing up your throat.Your hand moves to your mouth, biting your nails to keep yourself from overreacting. Maybe she’s joking?

Javi brings his large hand to rub his temple and hiding his guilty face. “We-I’m going to do some training up there and” He pauses as he scans the room. Oh.

The poster.

Your chin quivers and continue hacking at the nails that you spent all year growing out. He hasn’t looked at you though. “Lorraine is going to school there so we’re moving up there.”

The poster, he lied.

You look down to your nails that were back to small stubs, if you sit here any longer you’d probably pick your skin raw. And the silence is so deafening, everyone’s faces are processing. Your chin shakes again at the sight of your brother staring off in the distance. Probably thinking of being apart from his own best friend.

Genie though, she processes the information quicker and her eyes brighten for a moment “No manches!? Javi! oh my goodness!” Genie reaches over to shake him proudly. And the sound of her excitement brings your brother back to earth and he also begins smiling- all giddy at the news. But you found a second comfort with tugging at the dry skin on your lip. Copper spreading against your tongue. Frankie was saying something congratulatory to Javier in Spanish but everything was faded for you.

Genie always knew, she knew how much you liked him so after shifting the attitude of the room she gives you a brief look of sympathy. He still didn’t look at you. He’s spent most of this night staring at you and now is when he wants to be shy. Now-now when you find out he lied to you.

Your feet move before your mouth as you stand from the chair so fast that the heavy loveseat itself scrapes the concrete floor of the basement. Javier looks up at you, a familiar crease of concern between his thick brows.  You point your hand to your mouth with a flared nose-smile, “cotton mouth, I’ll be back.” You voice doesn’t crack thank god because the second you make your way up the steps you feel your vision blur. Feeling like a childish blubbery mess by the time you made it to the kitchen. He was leaving again, for actual training. Not for school, just to start his life as a cop. And he’s leaving with Lorraine. And he lied, you felt it. You felt like everything he had been saying to you-doing to you- for the past few weeks had been things he wanted you to remember. Calling you beautiful, grabbing you, kissing you, laying his hand on you-letting you keep his shirt.

He knew, and you knew deep down. Yet he lied.

 Bracing yourself, your hands gripping the sinks edge, your knuckles turning white. Why did you still cry like such a child, so needy and breathy. Your own hand having to cover your sobs. Your trembling hand turns the tap on drowning out the sound of the footsteps that followed you. Christ, you were hoping it was Genies but you knew his footsteps anywhere.

You see Javier’s silhouette turn the corner into the kitchen and you wipe your eyes fast enough for him not to notice. Taking a cup and actually filling it up. You can feel him lean against the counter to your left. You can feel his eyes burn.

 If my eyes are red from crying, I could just blame it on the pot.

“Querida,” Your eyes close instantly at the sound of his tender voice. Fuck, fuck. Fuck this. “I didn’t mean to upset you- Lorraine sometimes she gets so excited and-“

Your eyes open and you fully turn to him, “No-no Javier. I’m really happy for you.” It wasn’t a complete lie. Christ, you were so proud of him, you always known he was bigger than Laredo. You were just so heartbroken, so ripped in half at the news. You hated that you were going to be left behind, an afterthought when reminiscing about his high school friendship’s. You couldn’t bare that. You fucking hate that he lied. I mean he was going to leave eventually; you were going to find out.

So why lie to me?

Fuck, you loved him too much for this. You didn’t care that maybe in the future you’d look back at this moment and think you were stupid for thinking you loved him, but at this moment you knew you had never felt this way. You never felt this much at once. 

“You’re just my best friend and you weren’t truthful is all” You finally admit and his eyebrows soften before stepping closer to you, trapping your wrist.

The hold was so foreign, it was much softer than the arm grabs when he wanted to express that he was proud of you. The dimmed lights of the Peña kitchen making his features look stronger- his nose so perfectly formed. How lucky to look so beautiful. Fuck you loved him.  “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you then- I just I couldn’t. ”

His thumb rubs against your wrist and it sends chills throughout your frozen body. You just couldn’t take the eye contact any longer, “Don’t apologize to me for doing something good for yourself, just hate that you had to lie- I was getting excited about the summer” You let out a small pathetic fake laugh hoping it would change the position, it was too close. And the laugh was so forced, he knows it was because his face of melancholy doesn’t budge.

You were actually afraid that your high mind would make you grab him by his face and kiss him on your tip-toes.

You watch as his chest rises and falls slowly, and his eyes frantically search your tear stained cheeks. It’s like you could see his desperation in his mind, like you could see that he trying to find the next thing to say. His mind running, you’d never seen him look at you this way. Like he was on the verge of tears himself.

He breathes, “If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay.” He says it so clear. He says it as if every word he’s said to you were coated in lies and this was his one opportunity to be real, to be truthful.

The request makes you feel like the entire room was now devoid of air.

If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay

If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay

No.

You can’t. You can’t do that. Not to Lorraine, you can’t do that. You shouldn’t even be able to have control over this. It isn’t supposed to be this way. You had wished for so many years of a moment like this. Him being vulnerable and wanting something with you- something of you.

Not like this, no.

You shake your head, you can’t control the tears do end up falling. “Javier you can’t do this.” You snap your wrist anger. Anger for you and for his girlfriend. “You can’t ask me something like that, you know I’ve liked you for so many years. You can’t just-“

His eyes drop to the floor at the sound of your crying voice, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right that was a stupid thing to say.” He rubs the back of his neck, looking so wrecked. Like he realizes he just fucked up. He steps backwards and his look was so dissociated from the moment now.

You wipe your tears profusely. “No- no I’m sorry I’m not mad at you-“  You sigh, stepping closer and he steps back again. “You-you love Lorraine, and you have a life over there. My opinion shouldn’t matter this much-I’m just your friend you know-“ . Your voice breaks. The lines on his forehead smoothen with sympathy and he attempts to reach out for you but you turn your back to him.

You hear his steps getting closer. “Querida,” he whispers and you could just picture his face behind you.

“Please don’t call me that.” You blurt, wiping your face again.

“I’m sorry please,“

The last plead does it and you turn quickly to walk past him, avoiding all eye contact. “Tell Frankie I felt sick, I’m going to go home.” You grab your purse that was sat on the living room couch. Javi’s steps hurry behind you.

“Please don’t leave Andrea.” His words are rushed, “It’s dark and-“

You open the front door and walk out, shutting it quickly.

Your hands cover my mouth to stifle sobs as your shoes crunch on his dirt driveway when you walk pass his truck. You don't think you ever stop crying.

May 25th 1980

You had been wallowing away in your room for the first few days of summer break. Frankie would attempt to come into the room but you would yell at him which would cause him to groan and shut the door again. You really didn’t want to see anyone. You would roam the house during the hours that mama and Frankie were working. Taking your time with removing any sort of memory you had made with Javier. Tucking it away in a drawer next to your bed.

You thought about graduation night an unhealthy number of times the past week.

It was unfair, so unfair for Javier to put you in that position when you had grown to love the girl he brought into the lives of your friend group.

It was unfair that he wasn’t going to tell you guys. It was even more unfair for him to lie when you practically asked him directly. You had overheard Frankie talk to mama in Spanish in the hall. She asked him when Javi leaves.

He leaves tomorrow. May 26th 1980, he’ll be packed on the road heading 4 hours away. It could be worse; he could be all the way in New York or something.

But training is rigorous, coming home isn’t just a little trip. Especially with Lorraine going to school for nursing. Mama tried a few times to talk to you but you tried your hardest to keep her away from your cave. Its not like she'd know what to say, you two rarely spoke. 

If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay.

What did that even entail? That he wanted to stay and just needed one reason to? Did he want to stay for you? Why were you the person to convince him to stay?  Was it even possible that maybe he liked you back, why didn’t he say? If he did, he would’ve said something. Its fucking Javier Peña, if he wanted something he would take it.

A knock comes at your door around 3 pm that day. Your nose was buried into a book, some fantasy, you promised yourself that if it has any lick of romance you would shut it but now the characters that have longed to be together are finally getting together and you have refused to put it down. You had your period last week, so it wasn’t your hormones making you this way. You close the book shut quickly as the prince unbuttons the shirt of his lover.

“Who!” You yell, mama was home, it had to be her. She was probably trying to get you to eat since your diet has consisted of waffles in the morning and water to hold you off. She was really trying to get you out of this state, offering yesterday to drive with her to the lake to tan. You politely declined. The door to your room opens, revealing Genie in a t-shirt and paper bag shorts. Her bangs nearly covering her light eye makeup. Your brows raise and you sit up, feeling embarrassed by your state. Just in a polka dot night gown. “Oh, Hi”  You say breathlessly.

She flattens her hands on her shorts, a wet streak forming. “I got caught in your sprinklers.” She laughs before making her way to the edge of the bed, sitting down and you pull your knees to your chest to give her space. You laugh too, it wasn’t genuine but it just what you felt was appropriate at the moment. She stares at you, to think she used to be your childhood bully and now she’s the closest person to you.

There's concern in her gaze, she sees your eyes. You had stared in the mirror earlier today seeing them puffy and dark below. She picks up the book you had put to the side and makes an agreeing face. “Heard the characters fuck like crazy in here” She lightens up the mood and you finally do let out a real laugh.

You give her bashful nod, “Yeah, I haven’t gotten there yet, was close though.” You laugh and hug your own legs. Silence falls between you two again, as Genevieve stares at the blank space where the New Years Eve picture once was, also where the group prom picture had been. You know why she’s here. Everyone’s been wondering where you were, especially since the friendship stakes are so high because two-fifths of the friend group will be 4 hours away in just a day.

She finally cuts the air, “Lorraine’s been real worried about you, she feels like she did something wrong that night.” You bite the inside of your cheek, man everyone must be so lost. “Javier won’t tell us a thing, he’s a good liar but I know you.” She tilts her head, trying to search your face for answers. Just the sound of his name makes your stomach flip. How do I even explain myself?

“What happened-”

And you start speaking immediately, trying your best. “You know I’ve liked him for so long and him leaving just immediately made me emotional.”

“I saw, I was really worried when you came up with that stupid excuse, you know you just can’t hide your emotions right? Even when you were younger, when Javi would hug you- you literally couldn’t hide that smile.” She beams, but the reference just twists the knife in further. You prove Genevieve's previous statement as she is immediately able to read your change in face. “Anyway, I know something happened in the kitchen. You would never just leave like that, y’know Lorraine’s real upset with him, thinkin’ he kissed you or something.”

Your eyes nearly bulge from your head, “Oh- no, no please tell her that didn’t happen!” Your sadness was taken over by panic.

“I will but you need to tell me what happened.”

She was very serious in that moment. The most serious you had seen her be in years. This time you don’t hesitate, you had kind of been so desperate to talk about this with someone.

“He asked me to tell him to stay.” You admit in one short sentence. His words meant so many things but the unspoken was understood. Genevieve's brows quickly shoot up in shock, she understands the implications of his words. “He said that he would stay if I told him to-“

Genie has this face of disappointment and hurt; her head is shaking in disapproval the second she’s out of her state of shock. You already know what her response is, she can’t tell her-

 “No, I can’t tell her that, it’ll break her heart.”

She was right. The reality was Lorraine was moving away with her boyfriend, but he doesn’t truly want to be there. But who he wants to be with is still unclear, it can’t be me. If it was me, he would’ve had me a long time ago.

But then why would he ask me to tell him to stay?

Why is it that just my request is enough for him to stay?

This was far too confusing for your sixteen year old brain. You press your cheek against your knees and your eyes water again. Genie is right. “No, you can’t. Please just tell her that I was upset because of my crush, and he rejected me, just tell her he rejected me please.” Genevieve stares at your bloodshot eyes and nods. She knows it’s hard for you, she knows your intentions, even if it’s a lie. You honestly wished he had just rejected you then. You wished this could be easier .

“I will, I’ll tell her.” She agrees and pulls your curled body into her own. “But you’ve got to see them before they leave, you have to.” She kisses your hair that was tussled in a bun. You nod in agreement but in that moment you didn’t realize what that entailed.

Genevieve left to go see Lorraine and she told her the new “truth”. Lorraine wasn’t upset or angry, she was glad that Javier nipped the crush in the bud. She just felt bad for you, and Genie had her promise not to bring it up. She told you about the agreement when she called your house phone to tell you that they wanted you at Chucho’s the next afternoon.

“They won’t bring it up, they want to see you before they leave tomorrow afternoon.”

On your bike, you rode past the other pastures of land and ended in the dirt driveway the afternoon of May 26th. The bike ride was never this long, you got to thinking of everything. Of your bike ride to town in 77’, how Javier’s voice was so childish while he held that boy to the ground. How your bare scraped knees would knock into each other in the back of Genevieve’s buggie. You thought of every single time he defended you back when you were just the young one to pick on. You recalled walking home late at night with his arm around your shoulder, laying his palm flat on your face to cover your eyes when Frankie and Genie kissed goodnight. You thought about the summer of 78’ Javier had finally got a deep voice but it cracked occasionally, he had held your hands in the roller rink and got into a fist fight with a boy who chucked a ball at the back of your head at the court. You smiled to yourself at that memory, Javier’s voice cracking as he punched the boy in the nose.

 You remember the school year starting and being so confused by the truck he would drive-unlicensed-not being in the driveway. You remembered Frankie telling you that he had “just left to training” for the summer. And engraved in your head was the moment he hugged you with his calloused hand on your bare back. You remember everything. Every arm squeeze, every time his face would screw at the mention of your love life and you just remember everything.

You lay your bike flat on the gravel. Chucho was sitting on the porch, a cigarette in hand. You managed to make enough effort to look like you hadn’t been in bed for a week. Biking shorts and a sweater had to do. His lips quickly quirked into a smile and he’s on his feet as your sneakers approach the steps. You were never shocked that Chucho was allowing this to happen, he never wanted him to be limited to this town- not his only son. “He’s been missing you this week, I can tell.” He says as he releases the hug. You can’t tell if he was just being kind or not but you only respond with a smile. He beckons you towards the home while he sits back on the porch seat.

You step into the house you ran from just a week ago. Your stomach dropping when all of your friends come into sight. They were in the kitchen instead of being in the basement.

At least if they were in basement, I would have had time to adjust.

 Your brother and Genies face light up at the sight of you. Frankie was really worried about you; he had sat in your room trying to talk to you more this week than ever before in his life.

You couldn’t help but look to Javi who’s face was full of regret, his eyebrows with that familiar crease. Lorraine holding to his arm with a sympathetic smile.

Fuck this, could I make a run for it?

“Look what the cat dragged in” Frankie jokes, a beer in his hand. Everyone feels afraid to laugh at his joke and its fucking awkward. You give him a sarcastic smile before snatching the beer from his hand and taking a sip.

Then they laughed, saving you from the uncomfortable feeling sitting in your rib cage. You smile into the can while trying to wash away that knowing feeling.

Their conversation continues, Lorraine was on a rant about how busy she’ll be with her first semester. She complains about the number of general courses she has to take. Through it all Javi is detached, staring at the floor or at his drink. “What classes are you taking little sophomore?” Lorraine’s voice started off as background noise. Startled from being caught off guard after looking away and being stuck in your head you blink rapidly.

Javier was looking at you now, you could feel him, but you didn’t dare keep your eyes off Lorraine. “Oh… I’m taking all the general stuff, but I do think I’m doing an elective… its for teaching. I think I want to major in it, I’m not sure.” You smile, bringing the cold tin to your lips.

“You never told me you wanted to be a teacher,” Javi’s voice rings through your mind, oh okay.

You look to him who has that same face of concern and hurt. “Never told you.” You state harsher than intended but bring the beer up to your mouth again.

His face falls with hint of hurt but Genie interrupts. “Well, my dad is helping me out with opening a salon next to that for rent space next your moms’ boutique.” Her announcement earns her the attention, thank God. Lorraine goes on how she will come back specifically to get her hair fixed by her.

Chucho enters the room 20 minutes later. A sympathetic smile on his face at the sight of all of the friends gathered in his kitchen. “No quiero arruinarte, eres divertido, pero tenemos  ponte en marcha.” The announcement changes the once playful vibe of the room, Javier pushes himself off from the counter he was leaned on. “Frankie and Genie could you two help me bring those on the truck, Genie you’ve got the height.” Chucho jokes letting out a husky laugh as Frankie rolls his eyes.

If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay.

Maybe you should’ve just told him to stay because you can’t bare this feeling that’s boiling. “I’m gonna give my room one more glance” Javier announces before disappearing into the hall.

Lorraine gestures you to follow her out the house but the second you reach the porch she grabs your arm. You were distracted by the sight of Frankie struggling to load the truck and Genie picking up the boxes as if it were weightless. You look into her eyes, so full of genuine emotion like always. You feel horrible. Oh god.

“I am not upset with you; I know you liked him a lot and I know he cares for you. He didn’t reject you because you aren’t worthy or anything dumb your probably thinking right now, he cares for you but it’s different from being in love with you and I’m sorry he confused you.” Her clueless words almost sting from its bluntness, yet you almost want to laugh from how far off it was from the truth. You nod, hoping she ends this conversation but she continues, “You will find someone that cares for you like he does, but that person will love you in the way he loves me. You are one of the sweetest, funniest-”

“What are you two gossiping about?” Javier interrupts her words. She smiles sweetly at him. “I’m just tellin’ her I’m not mad about your talk on graduation night.” She bats her lashes at him and his face grows increasingly concerned.

You hurry to interfere before he reveals the lie accidentally. Fuck did Genie not tell him the lie? “She's saying no hard feelings and all since you rejected me after I told you I liked you that night.” You give Javi a look of desperation, hoping he’d catch on. His face twitches with a twinge of sadness at your attempt to protect Lorraine.

He exhales, his hands in his denim pockets before turning to Lorraine, “Right” He sighs,  “I just found this in my room and felt like I should take it on the road.” He takes a folded picture from his pocket and leans to show his girlfriend first, her cheeks deepening, and she gushes. Finally, Javi moves the image towards you, revealing a picture of the both of you taken by his dad. “1977, isn’t that crazy?” Your hair was in long braids and Javier had his arms around your shoulder like always. You don’t even remember this being taken.

 You stare, biting your lip at the sight. Fuck.

A loud beep makes you jump, and Javier jumps too as the picture drops. He reaches down and quickly picks it up to fold it back into his pocket.

Lorraine skips down the steps. Just you and Javier stranded in silence on the porch, you open your mouth to say something but he just follows Lorraine without glancing another glance in your direction.

Lorraine runs to hug your brother tightly. It was time for goodbyes, you should’ve just stayed home and avoided all this shit because you were already feeling a sickness in your gut. Frankie plants kisses on Lorraine’s cheek before she parted to hug Genie. Javi walks further into the driveway where the commotion was.

Hugging your own body, Javier takes Frankie into a hug, a lengthy one. You watch as they all hug and you can’t help but be reminded of New Years, watching them all from a distance. Always feeling left out in some way. In a sad twisted way it felt full circle. That this would be happening for you, that it would end in this way.

Your spiraling thoughts were interrupted by Lorraine’s fruity perfume engulfing you as she hugs. She kisses your cheek, not caring that her lipstick was leaving marks on your face. “Thank you-for understanding and being so kind” She whispers so sweetly. You cant keep yourself together and you begin to cry. And not for the reasons she believes.

 She parts from you and holds your arms like she did that night 5 months ago, just staring at your tear-stained cheek before squeezing your arm and parting, walking back to the truck. She was leaving with a lie.

The hug that Javi held Genie in had ended seconds ago and his tall body comes into your focus. His very 1975-esque pants and a button down, it was so familiar for him and usually seeing him in it was comforting but today it was different. Today his stature was sported with a look of sorrow as he stepped closer to you. And closer, you look to your brother and his girlfriend but they had walked up to the truck to speak to Chucho in the passenger’s seat- you look to Javi again.

He grabs you in one deft move, his arms wrapping around your lower back and his head peering down into your neck. No one has ever held you this close before, this tight. You almost didn’t know how to react; you just knew he could feel your skipping heart.

But finally, you just sink into him and your head falling into his chest. You couldn’t care that your tears were wetting his shirt, you just couldn’t care about that. His hands flatten and move up your back with desperation. Calling this a hug would be a disservice to its intimacy and desperation. You could feel his breath slowing and his body relaxing into your own before he spoke.

“Cuidate, Andrea” He mumbles into your neck, making your skin vibrate. Before you could grasp him back he pulls away and turns to the truck without looking toward you.  

As you watch him load the truck he continues to avoid eye contact, his hands pinching his nose before you watch him go.

And he leaves.

[onekisstotakewithme]

Top five favorite stories you’ve posted this year

oh this is a good one! thank you anon. this is going to be a fun mix of fandoms, hope that's okay 💜 but also not me forgetting every story i wrote this year.

None of Us are More Than Caretakers (The West Wing) - I had so much fun writing this, I had the whole thing written in about six weeks, and I see it as sort of the transition-era story we didn't get... all because I was reading on wikipedia and saw that Gerald Ford died over the holiday season in 2006. Anyway, read if you enjoy CJ/Danny seekrit relationship, a story about transition of power, and taking care of the country (and each other). 66k.

Close to the Heart (M*A*S*H) - Okay, I know this one is ongoing but hear me out: I love writing about the dynamic between Hawkeye and the Hunnicutts. I love taking tropes and subverting them, turning ideas on their heads. Close to the Heart aka subverted noir AU does ALL of those things for me. It's fun to have canon echoes and twisted dynamics, and fun to keep the audience guessing. 💜 23.5k but still ongoing.

A Night to Watch (The West Wing) - It shows a tiny bit that this was one of my first TWW fics, but tbh I don't care, because it still has one of my favourite headcanons in it: Danny driving the seven and a half-ish hours from manchester to DC on election night because he thinks CJ needs him. 6.1k.

Perfect (M*A*S*H) - One of my favourite things, as stated previously, is subversion. I love the idea of Peg and BJ both wanting to make their anniversary "perfect" (and then of course realizing that they're together again so it is perfect). This idea of them growing post-war and slowly growing back together while also seeing how they've grown separately is just... chef's kiss. to me. love those two. 2.5k.

Off the Record (The West Wing) - One of my more out-there concepts: one missing (CJ/Danny) scene for every episode of season 1 of The West Wing. An out-there concept I compounded by also writing them for seasons 2, 3, and part of 4. I had SO MUCH FUN writing these, fleshing out canon and building on it!!! I think it added a lot to canon without ever trampling on it, but that's just me! 31k. + Bonuses (under cut)

6. its torment won't be through (M*A*S*H) - A tag to 'That's Show Biz' that I started a year or two ago, and I loved the opening dialogue so much that when I found it this year, I decided I'd rewrite it. I figured it was just an average beejhawk story, but I went back and reread it recently and it had grown on me a lot! 2.6k. 7. An Idea, Whose Time has Come (The West Wing) - Briefly hesitated about putting this one in, because I need to get back to it, but I love this fic so much. It's a fun, original idea, even if I need to do a shit tonne of research for every chapter (that + grad school is why it's taking so long!), but anyway, CJ runs for President in 2018. Hopefully will not be too relevant going into an election year... 14k (so far).