#gpa insurance

[orcelito]

Oh yeah, so turns out I DIDNT flunk my 2 classes my last semester I took (spring 2023). I got a C and a D. Which normally a D wouldn't be passing, but bc it's not a prerequisite for anything, my advisor is making an exception for it. WHICH MEANS I only have 8 classes left to take before I graduate. Since my life insurance money will cover all my living expenses for A While, I'm not gonna look for another job and instead will just focus on studying and finishing my degree. 1 class in the summer, 3 classes in fall, and 4 classes in spring. Assuming I don't crash and burn again (which I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent), I should be able to graduate college by spring 2025.

10 years after I first started college. I should've graduated in 2019. But better late than never. So long as I do finish, it will be okay.

[kindnessoverperfection]

anyone else out there have npd that's like

"you're powerful, invincible, better than everyone else, and you can get whatever you want!! go out there and show them how impressive you are!!"

and then the moment you achieve it

"PSYCHE better leave quick before they have the chance to criticize you"

puts enough pressure on you that you get everything you want, and then yanks it away just as quick

[beemawala]

The Workman Compensation Policy, also known as the Employer’s Liability Insurance, is designed to provide financial protection to employers against liabilities arising from workplace injuries, occupational diseases, or death of their employees. Coverage for medical expenses, disability benefits, and legal costs is offered, ensuring that employees receive timely compensation and support in case of work-related accidents or illnesses. The policy is considered essential for businesses to comply with legal requirements and to demonstrate their commitment to the well-being of their workforce.

[silver-la-pixels]

help

[fletchingbrilliant]

🌙some wildly cheap commissions!🌙

🙃 for some even wilder reasons 🙃

hey y'all. long post thingie but it's got cute pictures so please check it out

TRANSCRIPT OF POST

hey frens got something kinda somber to talk about. most of you are very aware of the existence of my beautiful fiance and co-creator of basically everything i do. zae and i are getting handfasted (marriage for pagans) in october, and have been living together for about 10 years. in 2021, zae got really fucking sick, and after a few false starts, was diagnosed with a rare for of vasculitis called granulomatosis with polyangiitis, GPA for short. it’s an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in blood vessels and other tissues, ultimately stopping blood from getting to the parts of the body that need it, affecting many areas, but primarily the respiratory system. while the cause isn’t known, it usually presents in people in their 50’s or 60’s, but complications from a third bout of covid-19 appears to have made it emerge way earlier for our boy. at least, that’s what we think. his case is extremely aggressive, advancing faster than anyone could have expected. in zae’s case, it actually attacked his kidneys first, and then went after his lungs, causing both to threaten shutting down for good. he was extremely anemic and needed a ton of transfusions, narrowly avoiding dialysis, and we spent weeks in the hospital keeping him alive. he was placed on two different kinds of chemotherapy to combat the disorder. he lost his hair, went through even more fatigue and pain on top of what the disease had already put him through, and had to accept a plethora of changes to his life that will last forever. a lot of you out there have harrowing experiences of your own when it comes to chronic and potentially terminal conditions, too, I’m certain. “it’s not fun” is an understatement. though there were a couple of really fucking close calls, zae’s GPA went into remission. his hair grew back fuller and more luscious than it had ever been before. (i later learned these are affectionately referred to as “chemo curls.”) remission for gpa is usually expected to last at least 5 years, potentially up to 20, before any symptoms resurface. but zae’s case was particularly aggressive, so of course he’s not so lucky. he’s relapsing now. his symptoms have been slowly returning, and it’s been decided that he’s going back on chemo. it’s no surprise that this shit is expensive, even with insurance. we’re still paying off the care he received last time because ‘murca. being disabled myself, work has been… let’s call it inconsistent, yeah? yeah, that’s a nice and comfortable thing to call it. no one’s doing well financially these days, so we of course have to get creative. long story short(er), i’m doing a commission special! for the next MONTH, i am offering fast commissions at crazy-low prices to try and help us create a cushion to keep us afloat and relatively comfortable while we begin the chemo process again. there’s several options for a variety of budgets, because i really hate the idea of seeking something for nothing, and i absolutely abhor having to reach out in this way. it makes me feel vulnerable and icky and… i’m sure you all understand that, too. i can’t thank you all enough just for following me, and engaging with mine and zae’s work. it may sound trite, but that really makes a difference to us, especially when we’re dealing with something so painful. so if you can’t or don’t want to partake of the sale, please know that you are still a huge help to us, and we seriously appreciate each and every one of you. like, so fucking much. thanks y’all love, fletch

END TRANSCRIPT

Commission Options:

Flash Sketches: $5USD/character

Comics: $5USD/panel - flat color

Comics: $10USD/panel - shaded color

Screenshot Redraws - $15USD/character (complex bgs, add $20)

all of this is posted with @zaebeecee's knowledge and blessing

please DM me if you're interested in something, and thank you again

more Hungry Games, fic fanart, and Persona stuff coming soon too

[patricia-von-arundel]

FOR ANYONE IN FLORIDA:

Governor Ronald McDonald McDipshit is trying to require public colleges to hand over info on transgender (or, I assume, otherwise gender-nonconforming) students.

Under both FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) and HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act), this is illegal.

FERPA protects your college records if that college receives federal funding. Under FERPA, even your parents cannot request your grades, your classes, or your medical records in the hands of the college (among other things). Circumstances under which records can be shared without your authorization are limited:

"FERPA generally prohibits disclosure without consent, either internally or externally, of personally identifiable information from education records. But it permits (although it does not require) such disclosure without consent in certain situations. These include:

1. to other school officials, including teachers, within the institution who the college determines have legitimate educational interests;

2. to the parents of a student under age 21 concerning the student's violation of any federal, state, or local law or school policy or rule governing alcohol or drug use or possession; and

3. in connection with a health or safety emergency."

(https://www.cga.ct.gov/2005/rpt/2005-R-0195.htm)

HIPAA applies to all medical records, whether held by a college, a hospital, or a private doctor's office. Again, there are guidelines for exactly when your information can be shared without express, written permission from you:

"The Privacy Rule sets rules and limits on who can look at and receive your health information

To make sure that your health information is protected in a way that does not interfere with your health care, your information can be used and shared:

For your treatment and care coordination

To pay doctors and hospitals for your health care and to help run their businesses

With your family, relatives, friends, or others you identify who are involved with your health care or your health care bills, unless you object

To make sure doctors give good care and nursing homes are clean and safe

To protect the public's health, such as by reporting when the flu is in your area

To make required reports to the police, such as reporting gunshot wounds"

In other words, DeSantis cannot legally access your medical (or other college) records, either through the college itself, a hospital, or an individual.

Both FERPA and HIPAA are federal programs, so they apply no matter where you are in the US and how much DeSantis stomps his little feet and yells. FERPA protects your educational records; HIPAA protects your medical records (specifically, PHI, or Protected Health Information). DeSantis could ask to know how many people at the Mickey Mouse Medical Hospital have received prescriptions for hormones, had top or bottom surgery, etc., but he cannot demand access to your name, SSN, birthdate, specific treatment records, etc., unless you provide written authorization for him to do so. Along the same lines, he could demand the College of Rats in the Kitchen and Gators on the Stage tell him how many students total identify as transgender, nonbinary, genderfluid, gender non-conforming, etc. He could even ask for the average GPA of trans students compared to cis students (as a whole). But he cannot - again - ask for your personal records, or any of the information therein, without your express permission.

Don't panic, okay? I know the federal government isn't always trustworthy, but I've spent enough time dealing with both FERPA and HIPAA to know that they take this stuff very seriously. If you need to contact someone about a violation of either -

FERPA (college records) is under the US Department of Education, and you can find more info on reporting a potential violation here:

HIPAA (which covers all your medical info) is under the US Health and Human Services' Office of Civil Rights, and you can find more info on reporting a violation here:

At the moment, DeSantis is requesting only information not covered by either HIPAA or FERPA: "Republican Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is asking state universities for the number and ages of their students who sought gender dysphoria treatment, including sex reassignment surgery and hormone prescriptions, according to a survey released Wednesday."

Source:

If you are concerned that your records either as a student or a patient may have been shared without your permission, either because of this or in any other circumstance, you have rights.

Hang in there.

[robobarbie]

If Onion sang the Blooming Panic Theme, how would that go?

Are you reading yet?

Have you studied for calc?

It's about to get real dark outside.....idiot

Are your grades up? Your expenses down?

Let's study flash cards another round

I hope these nights educate you

Don't care if you never want to

Are you lockin' up? I got the key.

Can't believe you tried to run from meeee

Hope that your icon is online

Know that we'll study until nine (in the morning)

I feel your GPA

Has seen some awful days

Can't you just sit still and study for once in your LIIIIIFEEE

It's FIIIINAAAALS WEEEEEEEEEK

You got me banging my headdddd

Click the guideeeeee

Can sleep when you're deaddddddddd

Finals stress is a mess you won't forget

But you gotta know what is coming next

Checkin linkedin on the weekend

Watchin everyone else get hired, despite your best (I JUST NEED INSURANCE)

You know you need my advice

I hope my words suffice aaand

Even tho it's dire, don't get tired

Can't let yourself just botch the end like this

I feel your GEE PEE AYE

Has seen some AWFUL DAYS

I'M TRYING TO HELP AND ENSURE SOMEONE HIRES YOUUUUUUUU

IT'S FINALS WEEEEEEEK

YOU GOT ME BANGIN MY HEAD

CLICK THE GUIIIDE

CAN SLEEP WHEN UR DEAAAAADDD

Hi guys! Sorry I'm late, there was a freshman with a beer keg and-

Come on, just study to page 20 and I swear it'll be worth it.

You keep this up, and I'm gonna kick you out.

Well... That's just the dumbest thing I've heard.

You haven't seen dumb yet. (hey, guys?)

What the hell does that mean? (guys? Guys?)

CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TRYING TO SLEEEEEEP

IT'S FINALS WEEEEEEEEK

YOU GOT ME BANGIN MY HEAADDDDDDD

CLICK THE GUIDE (MOTHERFUCKER-)

CAN SLEEP WHEN UR DEAAAAADDDDDDDD

[piratecrew]

my mom said i get a reduced rate on her car insurance because my gpa is above a 3.0. ????

[bonginspector]

My friend Sara is facing homelessness and needs your help, im posting on her behalf. She hasn’t asked me to and doesn’t know I am, I’m just someone who has been homeless and cares about other people. Below is the bio of her go fund me, she’s had a very rough year. Rent is due, y’all know how it is. Link will be at the bottom.

Hi all.

It is with a heavy heart that I am starting another fundraiser. Less than a month ago I started a fundraiser after an incident on December 23. My car was damaged when I ran a flat hitting a pothole, and without cell phone reception or a jack. As I was up a mountain on a forest road I was left with no other option than to drive on the rim to get to cell phone reception. This broke not only one but two axles on my car and rendered it with more mechanical damage and cosmetic issues. Devastatingly, yesterday January 11, my insurance company came with the final verdict: my car, not even a year old to me, has been deemed a total loss. I am now completely without wheels. I work a job that pays $7/ hour with barely any tips. I am walking 20.000-40.000 steps a day walking to work, walking at work, from work, doing errands, and walking my dogs, and it is all breaking me. This car loss comes atop a very traumatic half year. At the end of August, my husband and partner of 20 years abandoned me with no means. I was left unable to pay rent as I was a student only working part-time making 960/month and my rent is $1600. Then, a month later, my stepfather died suddenly and unexpectedly. As if that wasn't enough, my childhood friend killed himself in November, and my car got damaged in December. I've struggled to find a reliable roommate, and the one I had turned out to not be, and he broke the lease in December. I can not make this rent alone. My current job doesn't pay enough for me to sustain myself on my own.

The picture above is from dinner on my graduation day this past May, 2022. You see a pin on my blazer. That's a Phi Theta Kappa pin that I got when I graduated with the highest honors from the graphic design certificate program I attended. As a continuing student, I am still at a 4.0 GPA and with major scholarships. Sadly, this new situation is causing me to forfeit my school and scholarships. The only person who has offered to help me by providing a roof over my head and a safe place for me to rebuild my finances and self is my high school friend who lives in Morgantown, West Virginia. This fundraiser is created to help me avoid homelessness that will inevitably come if I can't get myself and my pets to Morgantown. I am needing to pay for a shipping container to move a small number of my belongings there. I will also need to rent a car, and pay for hotels/motels along the way. I am begging you and everyone you know to help me so that I don't have to give up my pets and move into a homeless shelter. Please help me get to my safe place — My friend's house in Morgantown, West Virginia.

Kindly but regretfully,

Sara

[kingofangst]

Facts of Seraph Kingfisher

1. Has a GPA of 4.75, just under Lydia Martin

2. Has earned a title in the school named "Icy Enigmatic King" due to roasting an entire grade of seniors when he was a freshman

3. He is biracial and bisexual, has a few preferences but nothing too serious. He's 5'11 1/2 feet

4. He likes to wear preppy and dark academia fashion. He dislikes sporty wear.

5. He hates asparagus and vinegar.

6. He plays violin, piano, and flute. He can also create art.

7. He wants to be a Life and Health Insurance Broker

8. His childhood friends were Isaac Lahey and Matt Daehler. (They used to be childhood friends😔)

And that's all folks

(For now)

[scottandrewhutchins]

Post-College Timeline

1999: graduate from college with a 3.46 GPA in my major, struggle to get interviewed except by temp services, which provide me with only sporadic work. It becomes increasingly difficult to get responses because of the Bush recession and 9/11. By 2003, unemployment insurance benefits have run out without getting so much a temp job. Get a work from home job scoring tests for Educational Testing…

[scrabbleknight]

I've been thinking about continuing my studies in my Master's and I found a degree I'm quite interested in. Unfortunately, I run into problems:

It's expensive. If I take a chance in Germany, it'll cost me roughly €22k for the next 2 years, on account of living expenses and rent and insurance. That's about RM110k and well, that's not an insignificant amount.

I'm 0.1 GPA short the minimum. I'll have to do an appeal and stuff, and probably get recommendation letters from my professors, even though I'm not that close to them.

I'm scared. Like, literally freaking out of my mind. I haven't been mentally right for a while and it's left me an anxiety-riddled mess. Despite the support I have, I'm not in the best place mentally and emotionally.

I'm only posting this online because I need a way to vent it out. Getting a Master's could change my life but I don't want to go to debt for it.

Damn, why am I such a panicky mole?

[eternally-tired-cryptid]

(TW(?) For general doomsday talk and fear of my personal future)

I'm staying at my grandparents this week. And while they're not like Millionaires wealthy by any means, they are well off enough that they both have expensive hobbies (my gpa buys and repairs cars from scratch, and as such owns several cars, at least three of which are Nice Vintage cars, and that doesn't even include his nice truck. My gma owns horses, currently she has four and has over an acre of land (most of that is a large pond but nonetheless) for the horses to roam during the day), they also have enough money that they are helping me afford college and will throw a few hundred dollars my way just bc to cover gas and groceries and stuff (which I am SO incredibly grateful and lucky for).

My whole reason for pointing this out is that. They have money! The cost of living going up and up and up doesn't affect them, just their family members (they're well off but not so much they could support my uncle and his family or me Fully Forever). And yet they still see how horrible it is. They recognize that I probably won't be able to support myself with my passion for writing, and that it's very possible I'll have to work a job that drains me just to live, and they don't really know how to help with that. And that's assuming that this theoretical draining job Does pay enough to truly cover the cost of living.

I just. If they as prolly somewhere in the Upper middle class area of wealth can look at the cost of living and see how it's gonna be nigh-impossible for me to live as an adult.

I'm just so scared. Once I graduate college I have to change my health insurance, I'll have to live on non-campus housing. I'll have to have a full time job that might just totally destroy me just to make ends meet. I'm doing what I love right now and I can barely keep my head above water with my depression! How am I supposed to survive life of I end up having to work a miserable job and STILL struggle to make ends meet?

[nothorses]

Seeing you speak about your experiences in school has given me a little hope. I'm pretty similar to you academia-wise (severe ADHD, almost identical story about high school) on top of having a physical disability and depression/anxiety combo, and I'm currently struggling for my life in a community college because the school has been pretty adamant about not giving me accommodations I need. Plus covid meant I discovered online learning is awful for me and I dumpstered my gpa so badly the school almost kicked me out (so yay I have to do in-person classes while being high-risk for covid during a time when no one is masking anymore). But a certain academic subject is basically all I live for. I've been losing hope that I'd ever be able to get into a master's program and do the work I've wanted to do since I was like 3, but I see that you have struggled similarly and were still able to go to a different school and get into a program! That makes me feel a bit more optimistic about my situation. I'm not able to word things very eloquently bc I'm sick as hell with the flu rn but I hope you understand what I mean. Higher education is hostile to human life, especially if you have any kind of disabilities. It's inspiring to see others with similar problems to you be able to persevere.

I'm really glad I've been able to give some hope!! I will say- I credit a lot of my success to getting a diagnosis and treatment, specifically at an age where I was able to make changes I needed to make & was in control of my own identity and autonomy. I also really lucked out on that I majored in education in a school notorious for teaching an extremely progressive philosophy of education; literally designed to help students like me. And the professors generally practiced that, too.

I say this only because I want to be honest about what this stuff can be like- i.e., really hard! You can suffer and claw and drag your way through it, and I don't doubt that you can. But if you can get any help or resources, at all, please please do. If you can find someone at your school who will help you figure that out, please do! Whatever you can to make things even a little bit easier is very, very worth it.

But you can do it. And some tips that helped me:

See if your school has learning disability testing; a lot of community colleges do, and can provide accommodations through that without an official diagnosis.

"Academic renewal" can remove classes from your record that you have retaken for a better grade, or that aren't relevant to your major, which can be a HUGE GPA boost depending on your situation.

Transferring to a 4-year means acceptance rates are a lot higher than if you go straight from high school!

Depending on school and professors, oftentimes your professors will give you accommodations without you needing backup from the disability accommodations office. It's worth asking about!

4-year universities are also more likely to have their own internal healthcare services; I was able to get ADHD treatment through mine, and they deal with that WAY more than any other clinic because it's so relevant to school in the first place. They also often work with external insurances, or they might have a school insurance you already pay for as a student.

I hope you're able to get the support you need, and good luck!! And if school ends up just not being for you, that's okay too- it might not be a bad idea to look into ways you can be involved in your field without a degree, or through some kind of alternative education or trade school program. You can always come back and finish your degree another time; you're entitled to the same catalogue rights from when you first started (i.e. the degree requirements stay the same for you, always.)

[demonfox38]

Completed - Super Mario Bros.

Yeah, I know. You know what "Super Mario Bros." is. If you want to know about my failings as a person and how beating this game was a way for me to address them, click below.

Video games have never not been a part of my life. At least, as far as I can remember. The first console I had any experience with was, as it was for a lot of Millennial U.S. kids, a Nintendo Entertainment System. It was a Christmas gift from my mother to my father, a little sliver of luxury in the post-80s agricultural bust that plagued the Midwest's economy. From 1990 to 1998, this was the only console we had in the house. If I'm overly sentimental and sweet on it, it's because it was not only a link between my parents, but my parents, my sister (younger than this system!) and me.

Except for "Super Mario Bros."

Here's a funny thing. Young children? Not always the most coordinated. Me, at age 4? I definitely didn't have the concept of gravity down. I was proud enough just to figure out how to cross the first pit in 1-1. I tried to show my dad this, but he wasn't in the room at the time. So, I waited for him. And the game's timer ran out. And Mario died. And I thought to myself, "Oh. I guess I'm not good at this game."

And then I didn't touch it for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS.

Here's another funny thing. Okay, funny in a mildly traumatic way. I was not given a lot of room to screw up as a kid. Certainly, not academically. When it's drilled in your head that "your schoolwork is your job", you take it seriously. When you are applying to universities and colleges and your advisors keep encouraging you to take the ACTs repeatedly to get better scores and more financial aid, you do that. When you get a scholarship to a college that obliterates your tuition debt if you keep your GPA up, you damn well keep that GPA up. When you graduate post one of the greatest recessions in U.S. economic history, you will take whatever job you have and knock out the rest of your debts. Again, and again, and again, I was not allowed room for failure.

The only reprieve from this perfectionist demand was in video games. Even then, I had to grow a thicker skin to accept my flaws and defeat. It was hard to do, particularly with shrieking Simon electronic games and rotting Apple IIs and whoever thought it was socially acceptable to pair reflex gaming with mental mathematics. (There's a reason "Oregon Trail" is brought up as nostalgia positive and not "Super Munchers.") Honestly, it wasn't until I played "Star Fox 64" that I had the feeling of "Man, I suck at this game, but I want to try again!" That wasn't quite a 1985 to 1997 jump. More like a 1992 to 2000 jump. But goddamn. It took me a long time not to loathe failure, particularly with noisy, mocking electronics.

So, I'm thirty-four, at the moment. Not for all that much longer. I've learned how to handle debt, my pets, my health, the demands of my job, housekeeping, family relations, and generally what most people would expect out of an average adult. I replace old appliances to keep my house up to code and date. I haven't missed a single vaccination in a decade, despite loathing needles. I've replaced two toilet floats, one of my brake lights, and exchanged various console parts to keep my video game collection up and going for as long as possible. Hell, I've even got my video game collection registered with my home insurance provider. Weird? Maybe. Childish? Biblically, I suppose. The point is, I do things that are painful, annoying, or even frightening to keep me and my loved ones in a happy, stable environment. God knows I couldn't make it in this world without facing my fears.

And as small and petty as this goal was, I damn well didn't want to live my life being afraid of sucking at "Super Mario Bros."

It's stupid, right? Who gets their back up about "Super Mario Bros."? This is one of the most recommended games for newbies and kids! You run, and you get the mushrooms and flowers, and you spit fire and jump on shit, and problems get solved. It's just 32 levels, and really, you only need to do 8 of them. But, hell. Phobias and fears aren't always a logical thing, especially when the machinations of a child's mind are involved.

I'd still recommend "Pokémon Red/Blue" or "Dragon Warrior" before this one. I mean, yeah, you have to know how to read. Maybe having a basic comprehension of logic and budgeting doesn't hurt, either. I was doing better at those things when I was 4 than running through gymnastic death traps.

Okay. So. "Super Mario Bros." might be about jumping and collecting junk and sniping enemies with fireballs. Maybe saving a princess and seven of her idiot court members. We all get that. Even with simple, easy-to-understand mechanics, "Super Mario Bros." is no walk in the park. It's basically everyone's video game grandpa, if that grandpa was also Charles Bronson or Jack Palance. And goddamn, will Grandpa kick your ass the first chance he gets.

While I feared this game for a long, long time, I certainly didn't hate it. It's vivid, colorful one moment and ominous the next. The story is simple, but the character and monster design is diverse, both in the game and the industry at large. (I mean, how many plumbers are out there fighting turtles and dragons, anyway?) The music is driven and upbeat. It's no wonder that the "Super Mario" universe remains so globally popular. It's unique and over-the-top. Hard for a kid to ignore, at the very least!

The game is a marvel in ways that modern audiences may not always understand. It comes from an era where something as simple as scrolling screens was borderline wizardly. Yes, the lava is water and the clouds are bushes and many things are things in different colors. The amount of data compression going on here is impressive. Having duplicate levels with minor gameplay tweaks helps, sure, but it's neat how much this game puts out for just having 32 kilobytes to work with. I've got a few YouTube videos for your perusal, should you be interested in seeing how these levels are coded and assembled:

"NES Scrolling Basics Featuring Super Mario Bros. – Behind the Code" from Displaced Gamers

"Super Mario Bros. Glitch Levels Explained" from Retro Game Mechanics Explained

Honestly, think about how many video games prior to "Super Mario Bros." are in the collective consciousness for good reasons. Like, games your parents could name. You'd probably get a list with titles like "Donkey Kong," "Pac-Man," "Frogger," "Breakout," "Space Invaders," "Pitfall," or maybe "Pong," if they were rich and old enough for that. (Okay, maybe "Dragon's Lair" or "Sinistar" if your parents were really cool.) The best versions of these games were available to Americans in arcades. It was up to the shop owners as to what people got to play. Some games might have had decent console conversions, if developing companies weren't beating their staff like mules or bickering over copyrights with feuding studios. Maybe, if people had enough money, they could have invested in something like a Commodore 64 or an Apple II and gotten something more complex, along with practical software. "Super Mario Bros." was an equalizer in terms of quality and affordability, particularly to people like my parents—people with full-time jobs, no arcade access, and a tight budget.  

Man. Do you ever think about how a significant chunk of the console wars can be explained by a family's income and geographic location?

Okay. You know the Mario. You may be able to "Do the Mario." But, how did I get even a semblance of competency in this game, if I sucked so much at it?

Practice! Obviously. The least fun answer in the world! However, I took specific steps to improve my memorization and understanding of the game. First, I limited myself to a World a night in terms of practice. That is, a -1, -2, -3, and -4, each played all the way through without save stating. My usual gaming time per night is around 2 hours, breaking when my dogs need my attention. So, that would be about 30 minutes per level, right? Well, not quite. If I got through a level without losing lives or power, I didn't dwell on it. But, if I got injured or killed? That was when the grind locked in.

I had to pass a level 5 times before I allowed myself to check it off. Not consecutively, but in the best case, it would be. See, when I was in high school, I had a band instructor that taught me this particular semi-consecutive method for learning bassoon drills. If I played a set of measures right once? +1 to my score. If I screwed it up? -1. So, the greatest success would be a string of five +1s. But, if I screwed up, it took away one of my successes, resetting finally at 0.

That wasn't enough, either. For each level, I wrote down a series of notes on how to progress through it. I also gave myself a confidence rating in each level, which broke down like this:

S: Confidence Achieved

A: Can Beat Consistently in Fire Mario Form

B: Can Beat Consistently in Small/Super Mario Form

C: Have Beaten at least Once

D: Have Not Beaten

And you might ask, "What's the difference between an S and an A?" Just my feeling, dude. Because, hell. I might have been regimented about this, but I still had intuition and doubt to evaluate alongside actual data.

This weird behavior started coming out as I was running "Super Mario Bros." drills. I wasn't so much interested in avoiding danger as I was trying to figure out what I could get away with. Yes, it's common knowledge about how Goombas and green Koopa Troopas have no self-preservation when it comes to edges. But, what determined when a Piranha plant was comfortable in emerging from its pipe? Why did Bullet Bill launchers stop shooting when I was face-to-face with them? Did projectiles come in one or two shots? Were gray Cheep-Cheeps slower than red ones? How big was a Blooper's hitbox, and how much was it really following me? I can't say I mastered all A.I. behavior—certainly, not when it came to hammer-throwing enemies—but I had some surprising events when it came to stage and enemy manipulation.

There was a real turning point when I managed to dodge three Bullet Bills—two coming from the right, one from the left—and I laughed at my own survival. Like one short, ugly, mocking laugh! I could have never imagined myself doing that before! Not when I was terrified of this game's pinpoint perfect demands!

Reaching and defeating 8-4—the final level—was a particularly strange experience. I mean, we all know how "Super Mario Bros." ends, right? Even if we're not capable of reaching that ending ourselves. Like, when I beat "The Legend of Zelda", there was this feeling of contentment and peace. "Ah, Zelda! Nice to see you." Reaching Princess Toadstool? There was happiness, but I barely even registered her being on screen. It felt like, "I didn't do this for you, honey. I did this for me." And man, that was a weird feeling. Particularly, since she's one of my Smash mains.

Also, it bothered me as a kid when she went from redheaded to blonde in the Mario games. Like, I get the palette limitations of the NES were a factor in why she was a redhead, but it still felt weird and off when she went SNES blonde.

Am I good at "Super Mario Bros." now? Can I cold-perform a complete playthrough like "Star Fox 64"? Well, I feel confident enough to say that I can at least make it to 8-2 using a series of warps. And honestly, I'd probably choke and do something stupid in 4-1 first. And man, I really only got that 1UP Koopa shell jump trick to work a couple of times. But, the feeling is no longer, "Oh, no! I suck at platformers, so I can't ever possibly beat this game!" It's more like, "If I'm not being sloppy and remember how to recover from a bad situation, I've got a decent chance of doing this." I think that's pretty good progress, especially for just a week of practice!

If it helps, I can give you a list of things I wish I knew about "Super Mario Bros." way sooner:

You can continue from the first level of the last world you died on by holding A, then hitting Start.

You'll only get close on time on level 8-1. And by that, I mean you'll probably have 80-90 tics left on the timer. Don't get anxious about time, and don't be impatient.

Bullet Bill launchers and Piranha Plants will stop coming out if you are standing directly by their respective pipes.

Blooper hitboxes are smaller than you'd think. Their head is more dangerous than their tentacles.

Hanging out at the bottom of a water level is usually pretty safe, barring the 8-4 fire bars and some random Cheep-Cheep spawns. Assuming you're not in a pit, anyway.

Fire bars start in a fixed position and can be manipulated via controlling your speed and the loading edge of a level.

You're probably better off ignoring Lakitu. Unless you want 8-2 revenge on him, I guess. He is right there, after all.

Mario starts with three lives. Mario dies at 0 lives. But, as long as you keep trying, Mario has infinite lives.