#i feel like this needs a tw but idk what to tag it or whatnot

[eternally-tired-cryptid]

(TW(?) For general doomsday talk and fear of my personal future)

I'm staying at my grandparents this week. And while they're not like Millionaires wealthy by any means, they are well off enough that they both have expensive hobbies (my gpa buys and repairs cars from scratch, and as such owns several cars, at least three of which are Nice Vintage cars, and that doesn't even include his nice truck. My gma owns horses, currently she has four and has over an acre of land (most of that is a large pond but nonetheless) for the horses to roam during the day), they also have enough money that they are helping me afford college and will throw a few hundred dollars my way just bc to cover gas and groceries and stuff (which I am SO incredibly grateful and lucky for).

My whole reason for pointing this out is that. They have money! The cost of living going up and up and up doesn't affect them, just their family members (they're well off but not so much they could support my uncle and his family or me Fully Forever). And yet they still see how horrible it is. They recognize that I probably won't be able to support myself with my passion for writing, and that it's very possible I'll have to work a job that drains me just to live, and they don't really know how to help with that. And that's assuming that this theoretical draining job Does pay enough to truly cover the cost of living.

I just. If they as prolly somewhere in the Upper middle class area of wealth can look at the cost of living and see how it's gonna be nigh-impossible for me to live as an adult.

I'm just so scared. Once I graduate college I have to change my health insurance, I'll have to live on non-campus housing. I'll have to have a full time job that might just totally destroy me just to make ends meet. I'm doing what I love right now and I can barely keep my head above water with my depression! How am I supposed to survive life of I end up having to work a miserable job and STILL struggle to make ends meet?

[spiritpraiseandbeautifulhumanity]

Apologies for this but this is the most sick to my stomach, angry, distressed -and I don’t even know what other words to use it’s just a mix of negative emotions- that I’ve ever felt regarding certain things/people I’ve come across in a long time. TW for abuse, incest, and just general venting under the cut.

So I made the mistake of looking through some of the latest posts under one of the tags for Sister, and came across this post discussing someone’s take on me regarding chapter 3 and whatnot. That post was generally okay except for the end where they briefly mention ideas related to how things would be if I left Sister. But besides that final section, everything else in the post was mostly alright. However, I then noticed how at the bottom of the post someone had reblogged it and added onto what was said. I was already getting red flags from the fact I’m blocked by them, but didn’t think too much of it initially and just pulled up the post on my browser so I could read the rest of it. But then I started to get curious about why they may have blocked me and wanted to check their profile, so I did. The profile itself isn’t too bad, just mainly reblogs of fanart, but it was the pinned post that led to my despair. A carrd was linked and naturally I clicked on the link to read it. Pretty generic stuff and then, immediately one section made me extremely uncomfortable and instantly I knew why I was blocked and the realization of it all just hit me. Besides the fact they heavily ship something I’m personally uncomfortable with due to it having been associated with an ex of mine, the specific carrd dni was just the horrific cherry on top. Now generally I’m uncomfortable by these sorts of people but they don’t tend to affect me all that much usually. But when I saw this it just made me absolutely sick to my stomach what with the hypocrisy of it and the detached way they blocked me. I’m sorry my words aren’t describing it well enough but it just, how they claim to like me so much and are passionate about me and stuff and then their dni is literally in a way just “Korekiyo DNI and stay as far away from me as possible” plus how they blocked me like I’m just disgusted(if that’s even the right word to use) and tired of people who don’t want anything to do with me liking Sister, our canon relationship, and the way I am about her and yet still claim to love and understand me and accept me for who I am, like no you don’t. People like this are why I try to avoid the Danganronpa fandom because people can rarely ever seem to treat me right no matter what their personal stance on me is. Like if they truly liked me they wouldn’t want to hate on and paint sister as this terrible horrific demonic monster without holding any regard for my feelings of her and wouldn’t try to imagine situations where I’ve separated from her. They wouldn’t if they truly liked me, but they do. They do, and because of that I can’t trust majority of those who claim to be my “fans”. So I avoid them unless they find me because most that do are the ones who actually do like me. But I’m just tired of those who are like “dni if you like Sister” and that all the tumblr tags are mainly just hate, I’m just so sick and tired of those who claim to like me and then deny and hate the fact of my intense unchanging feelings towards Sister. It sickens me. Ugh I’m getting like no sleep because of this why can’t I just be normal why do I have to be affected so negatively by things like this. I just wish people could be more respectful when it comes to our relationship. Like, I don’t care what she did in the past or whatever she makes me happy and we’re happy together and that’s all that matters. And people need to stop acting like I don’t feel that way or try to destroy what makes me happy. Idk I’ve said too much sorry I’m too weird and obsessed and I care too much about what others think and shouldn’t even really be saying anything so I’m sorry, I wish I was normal but I’m not. At least I’m happy though even if people can’t accept the ways in which I’m happy. Okay sorry I know I’ve said too much I’ll shut up now, and I’ll try to never do something like this again.

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[hornedandhornypandan]

Vent/Rant post about Witchtok idk

Tw: CSA/Grooming mention

((TLDR: Witchtok seemed fun at first but pretty soon showed a very ugly side of itself that puts kids in danger. Meanwhile 'experienced' witches are out there are putting dangerous misinformation about religious practices. +Also a personal rant about how this whole thing has put me off from talking about my own practices with Pan.))

I've been a somewhat active "tiktoker" for a few months. I only really posted videos of my artwork and whatnot to sort of gain some traction and sell commissions, which was great! I met a lot of really cool people, and made some really sweet friends within the small community of artists on tiktok... And then I found the Witchtok tag.

At first I was uniquely excited, it was really cool to see other witches actively show off how proud they were of their craft and their religious practices. I saw lots of pretty good advice, and for me at least, it was absolutely wonderful to see how different and unique each person experienced their craft. I feel stupid now in hindsight for thinking this, but I genuinely felt something with how fun and welcoming Witchtok seemed to be.

And then all of sudden it became a fucking train wreck. There are lots of things wrong with Witchtok: Cultural appropriation, online harassment, misinformation, people throwing around hexing accusations with no proof, etc etc. A lot of really dumb shit. At first I was able to ignore it, because surely people will be smart enough to do their own research and not trust some random person on tiktok about entire religions, right? And then I realized how dumb I was for thinking that. There are people on Witchtok touting themselves as being experienced witches who are experts in everything spiritual, and beginning practitioners are going to naturally look up to them as positions of authority to consult on matters that they might not even be in the position to be consultants of. So many of these people are actual children too, and its become a very scary situation with how out of control it has become. I think the breaking point for me was the issues surrounding that,,, "Medusa" tiktoker who began trying to groom minors for illicit photos. I just couldn't do it anymore with Witchtok, that was too much. It already hurt a lot to see so many experienced witches actively condemn and shame children for not knowing better, but that entire thing just proved to me that too many people within the Witchtok community DO NOT CARE about protecting or educating each other. They all just want to one up each other in this imaginary game of who's the most correct, meanwhile AN ONLINE CULT WAS LITERALLY BEGINNING TO FORM, I'M JUST,, AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

There's so much to unpack, especially from my perspective as a Hellenic Pagan who's worshiping Pan. I'm going to get quite personal but it's been on my mind and I need to share it for my own sake. Up until recent events, I was beginning to consider participating in the Witchtok community because I really do enjoy sharing things about my path, especially my relationship with Pan. I love sharing the things that I learn, and I want to record all of it as I go, so that one day I can look back and see how far I've come in my journey. My time with Pan has not only helped me grow spiritually, but my overall outlook on the world around me has changed for the better. To illustrate better what I mean by this, I am a CSA survivor, and for most of my life, sex fulfilment and healthy love were things I fundamentally believed I didn't deserve. By the time I approached adulthood, I had already accepted that I would never be able to enjoy sex or feel the kind of love I wanted. Pan at this point has obviously proven me wrong. He helped work through my trauma, he taught me that sex can not only be safe but exciting, and he showed me that my body isn't something to be ashamed of. Needless to say, my relationship with a deity heavily associated with sex and fertility is OBVIOUSLY intimate.

So it really fucking hurts when I see my fellow pagan peers tell me that my relationship with Pan isn't real, and that my practices based on tradition that I spent MONTHS researching before I started is just me being a 'stupid baby witch.' Or worse when people tell me that I should FEAR my God, my God who has done nothing but treat me with kindness and love throughout my entire time with him. Or even worse, when people who think that because they read up on a little mythology, they can tell me my God is a r*pist, and that I'm wrong for having a close and friendly bond with him. It's almost laughable how so much of what Witchtok considers to be "the right way to worship deities" is exactly what Pan would've hated if I behaved the way they deem to be correct.

Pan would HATE it if I was never friendly and comfortable around him. He is known for having a unique sense of humor, why wouldn't his followers be able to do the same? Obviously there are boundaries, but any deity including Pan will set up said boundaries when necessary. He loves when his followers are silly and playful! He loves when we explore ourselves in ways that are happy and healthy, whether spiritually, sexually, or physically! He loves when we let ourselves loosen up and forget about our chains, even for just a moment! If I talked at all about my practices with him I can guarantee Witchtok would eat me alive. To be honest, I wouldn't put it past them if the collective opinion of Witchtok was that he's dead because it says so in myth.

In retrospect, I'm very glad I chose to stay away from Witchtok, not only would I not be welcome, but children are watching. I feel like not enough people are thinking of that, and that's terrifying. I can't imagine how guilty I'd feel if I put something out there that was misinformed, or even DANGEROUS, and kids were seeing it. I just couldn't bear it. As an artist I'll continue to post videos on tiktok exclusively about my art, but I can't in good conscience post anything there regarding my religious practices. Which honestly saddens me, so much of my practice involves me drawing and painting works involving what Pan looks like to me, and I would've loved to show off that artwork had it not been for the absolute shit show I've been exposed to.

So in conclusion, Witchtok is fuckin yikes man.

[fmdjaewonarchive]

►i just wanna feel something.

dates: october/november 2018 mentions of: n/a word count: 2.6k  warnings: depressive thoughts, mentions of death, insomnia, weight loss, self-hatred, implied suicidal thoughts tw (vague-ish?? idk tbh??) and probably a bunch more, i don’t quite know what to tag this exactly but if you’re sensitive to these topics i suggest passing this up, it’s just really not worth it details: jaewon isn’t doing well mentally and i needed 2.6k to put that into words (and still failed tbh). this is my 6th draft on this and it’s still hardly readable so just imagine how bad the other 5 are but i just want to have this out of my system already. also i didn’t proofread this mainly because if i do odds are i’ll just throw the whole thing away so ignore any errors (and just ignore this post as a whole tbh you’re probably better off that way)

“you look moody lately.”

unity’s manager tells him on the car ride back from some variety show appearance and of course, jaewon laughs the comment off with a sharp, cynical burst of laughter, scoffing as he reminds the man that he always looks moody.

his amusement is short lived though, laughter dying out on instant as his manager points out that this is different, that he looks different. the man mutters something about the look in his eyes being more hollow these days, his smiles obviously less sincere than usual and jaewon doesn’t like the insinuation a single bit.

because you see, different never means just different, jaewon knows that. different was what people had started to describe him as after his parents passed and his behavioral issues had first reared their ugly head, what teachers had used when they discussed the once so friendly and sociable boy that now only switched between two emotions: apathy and anger. different is nothing more but a synonym for worse.

he’s doing worse than usual.

the accusation shakes something deep inside of him, making his bones rattle and his fingers tremble to the point he’s forced to ball his hands into fists in the pockets of his hoodie to hide the tremor. he channels all his energy into forcing a smile on his face, he has to bite the inside of his cheek raw to do so and even then it’s still a challenge to keep the smile present long enough to make it seem convincing. he ignores the ache of his facial muscles from the forced expression, ignores the fact that his throat feels tight his chest hurts.

after keeping the nice act up for just long enough to make it believable he excuses himself from the conversation by claiming to be tired, the schedules getting the best of him (“that must be why i look so out of it lately” he claims) and pushes his earphones in perhaps a tad too hastily for it not to look like some sort of flight response.

jaewon doesn’t actually fall asleep, of course, he doesn’t, sleep hasn’t come easily to him for weeks by now but he pretends to be for the rest of the way home.

and instead of actually catching up on the rest he’s been missing he spends it continuously reminding himself that he’s fine.

really, he’s fine.

and if he isn’t, he just needs people to think he is.

“doesn’t dimensions feed you? you look so skinny these days.”

his grandmother slips the comment into the conversation so casually jaewon almost glosses over it at first but when it registers in his mind he chokes on his jasmine tea, coughing violently, eyes red and teary as he takes a moment to regain himself, his grandmother continuing to sip her own cup of tea like she had hardly said anything unusual.

the thing with jaewon’s weight is, and he knows this all too well, is that it is a fickle thing. he is naturally skinny, had always been ever since he was a child and it had only gotten more obvious after his growth spurt in his teens, gaining so much in height but hardly anything in width. the other thing he knows is that while gaining weight is a whole task and a half (much to the joy of dimensions entertainment) he never had the same issue with losing weight not due to scary, unhealthy dietary restrictions but because of an entirely different factor: stress.

whenever stress weights down on jaewon slightly more than usual, the first way it shows is  through his appearance, losing weight rapidly to the point where usually, the public begins to take notice and points out the drop in his weight, only for all those rumors to be snowed over the second times get less hectic and jaewon slowly eases back into his usual weight.

it’s something people close to him know, that there is no need to fuss over his weight, that it has nothing to do with his health which is why jaewon is so taken aback when his grandmother mentions it. by now, he knows to not underestimate the older woman, that she’s usually onto things long before he himself is, it’s been that way all his life: when it came to raising him after his parents died, when it came to signing him up for his dimensions audition, even when he came out to her and told her about his relationship with samsoo, it was obvious that she had already known long before he himself had.

so when she carries on about how sunken his cheeks look and how bony his shoulders have gotten, he knows it’s no notion to his health or an urgency to eat more. no, it’s her subtle way of telling jaewon she can tell he’s not doing well, that’s he’s not feeling well on a mental level rather than a physical one. more importantly, it’s a way of telling him that he can’t respond to defensively or brush aside like unfounded concern because she’s not straight up accusing him of anything, she’s not explicitly stating her worries because she knows that he knows exactly what it is she’s implying.

she’s telling him she knows and there is nothing he can bring in against it.

and jaewon hates it, hates knowing that his grandmother sees right through him, that yet again she has to worry about him. hadn’t the poor woman done enough worrying throughout raising him?  

jaewon knows he owes her so much, he can probably never begin to thank her for everything she’s done for him. he doesn’t even want to begin to think about how he would have ended up had she not been so patient with him, had she not known how to handle him so well.

he wants to be able to pay her back for all the sacrifices she’s made, to prove that it wasn’t all a waste of time and effort, that he wasn’t a waste of time and effort.

but in all honesty, jaewon doesn’t quite believe he’s not. he doubts he’ll ever be anything more than this miserable person filled with nothing but anger and resentment. he’s terrified that he’s bound to disappoint everyone who so desperately wants to believe he could ever be anything close to a good person.

and it makes him wonder how anyone ever stumbled onto that misguided belief at all.

so as he lets his grandmother smoothly guide the conversation back into lighter territory (“how have the unity boys been? it’s been so long since i last saw all of them, you should bring them over for dinner soon”), he weakly smiles at her over the rim of his cup, the smile not quite reaching his eyes and mentally, he apologizes for all the love he received from her that he will never quite deserve.

if only he knew a way to give it all back to her.

“these bags under your eyes are getting harder to hide by the day, do you even sleep anymore?”

the make-up noona scolds him sharply as she tries to fix his make-up ahead of some music show performance. normally, jaewon would probably have laughed at the comment, made some comment about for once it wasn’t a mark on his neck she was struggling to cover up but for once the amusement stayed out, only muttering a quick apology as she continued to layer concealers and powders and whatnot on him to make him look just a little less tired.

a little less unstable.

as of lately, sleep has begun to escape him again. while the nights technically only got longer, his only seem to get shorter. he wonders if it’s a seasonal thing, that for some forsaken reason whenever winter slowly creeps closer his sleep schedule seems to rapidly deteriorate, that he finds himself outside at 3 am more often when it’s cold enough for him to feel the chill all the way in his bones even hidden in a thick coat and scarf.

because it’s not the first time, losing sleep, counting the hours he should have spent asleep yet finding himself wide awake was not anything new to jaewon. but he had been doing better for a while, had gotten himself together more over the course of the summer, even with their hectic back to back comebacks he had managed to get all the sleep he could get.

but suddenly he isn’t anymore and he doesn’t even know why, that was the most frustrating part of it all. how was he going to fix something that he didn’t know what was wrong with to begin with?

it isn’t even that he isn’t tired, he’s absolutely exhausted, sitting here right now, laying in bed at night, at any given time he just feels tired to the point that he wonders what feeling wide awake felt like again, a vague distant memory he can’t quite grasp or recall.

but it’s not enough, it’s not enough to let him fall asleep until hours and hours later than planned after a lot of tossing and turning (or well, minimal tossing and turning before getting up not to disturb his boyfriend with his fussing) and it’s so frustrating. what he does need is for his mind to stop racing, for it all to come to a halt for just a moment so he can find some sort of tranquility but it doesn’t because there are constantly so many things that demand his attention about, that he has to worry and overthink or that he just feels like he should worry and overthink about and he’s so tired of how it never seems to stop.

he’s so tired of being tired.

“jeez why are you such an asshole lately.”

one of the members mutters under their breath during another late night practice and it causes jaewon to tense in his spot. he doesn’t even catch who it is that says it, doesn’t stop to rationalise that the comment is probably heavily reliant on the fact that they must be tired and annoyed,  it’s so late already and has only gotten later because jaewon insisted no one was leaving until they got a specific move down to perfection and maybe, they’ve been practicing later than usual because jaewon’s internal exhaustion clock of when it’s been enough doesn’t work anymore since his sleep schedules has decided to fuck him over.

no instead there is only a voice in the back of his mind reminding him that if one of the boys said it they’re probably all thinking it before going on to remind himself they’re not wrong for thinking it, that they’d be right to despise and resent him.

he calls for a short break, just a few minutes and promises that after that they’ll only go over the choreography a few more times and as he watches the members all slump down and reach for a bottle of water or a towel, he can’t help but think he was never made for this.

he was never made to be a leader.

it’s not the first time he finds his mind wandering to these thoughts. ever since unity had been formed, jaewon had doubted dimensions’ decision to make him the leader and it was an insecurity that has never faded throughout the years. if anything, it has only gotten worse. because now, two and a half years into unity’s career, he has so much proof, so many memories of times he has failed the group.

he may be good at telling them what to do, at keeping them in line and at following the companies every demand, push them through late night practice and drag them out of bed early in mornings to be on time for schedules, at telling them to grit their teeth and bite their tongue when they have to do things they’re not entirely behind, that jaewon isn’t entirely behind himself either.

but beyond that, what good does he really do?

there is no warmth to him, no compassion or encouragement or understanding or literally any of the traits a good leader is supposed to have. he’s this block of ice, he’s refusing to let them in or to open up to them, he’s incapable of relating and handling their emotions in a proper way, hell he can’t even handle his own.

he does more harm than good, he’s always done more harm than good.

the thoughts make it impossible to not feel like he’s too much in his own practice room, within his own group. it’s impossible to not feel like too much when he was literally taking up space he shouldn’t take up.

it is impossible not to feel like too much when he knows every person in the group would be better off without him.

one of the boys call his name and jaewon needs a moment to focus back on reality. it takes a few questioning looks thrown his way before he realizes they’re in fact still in practice, that they’re probably waiting for him to continue where they had left off.

as he pushes himself up from the floor, swallowing the bile resting in his throat, he tells himself it’s okay if they hate him, he hates himself too.

“you look miserable”

this time it’s not someone else pointing out what jaewon already long since knew, this time it’s his own mind reminding him of the fact.

and his mind is right because as he stares at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror, he can’t help but agree.

it’s the look in his eyes like his manager said, it’s the way his face looks more sunken than it usually does like his grandmother said, it’s the bags under his eyes like the make-up noona pointed out and he even can’t help but agree that with the seemingly permanent frown and his lips drawn together in a thin line, he kind of looks like an asshole like one of the boys pointed out during practice.

everything about him screams that he’s feeling like absolutely terrible and it’s not that that’s a groundbreaking revelation because he’s been aware of it for weeks now but it’s still a problem because it shouldn’t be so obvious, people shouldn’t be able to tell.

yes he can barely stand the sight of himself because he can barely stand himself as a person. yes, he’s losing sleep and weight because he’s too caught up in his own mind and the constant intrusive thoughts that fuel his self-hatred.

but none of that is supposed to be anyone else’s problem.

the truth is, jaewon doesn’t want to make it anyone else’s problem because it will just be the next thing on a long, long list that makes him more bothersome than anything else.

he’s not supposed to be a lot of things but he’s at least supposed to have his shit together, to be on top of things and to be able to stand on his own feet.

if he’s none of those things? what does that make him but a complete bother?

and the last thing jaewon wants is the be even more of a inconvenience than he already is.

so yes, he’s miserable, completely and utterly miserable but there is little concern on his mind about fixing that, he just wants to know how to cover it up.

because if it’s not anyone else’s problem, it’s not a problem at all.