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sylveriasarcana · 4 months ago

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The Passenger and OCD, or, Randy Bradley and his Weird, Violent Therapist

Hi! As the title implies, I think the 2023 movie 'The Passenger' can be interpreted from the perspective of OCD recovery! And I think Randy Bradley might have OCD! I also think that over the course of the movie, his experiences with Benson help him recover from OCD!

I've got a lot of thoughts about this, and I've put them all under a Read More because of how damn many I have! I hope you enjoy them!

First off; an overview of OCD, then an overview of the most obvious ways in which I believe Randy exhibits OCD symptoms, then a look at Benson and how he carries out a very twisted version of "Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)", the recommended treatment for OCD.

I hope you enjoy! I might sleep again after this! That'd be neat!

Please note that OCD is very complex and affects each person that has it differently. In this analysis, I refer largely to my own experiences with OCD. They may not reflect your own. Please do not see this as an attempt to explain everything about OCD, or use this to tell other people they don't have OCD because it's not exactly what I'm describing.

(also a lot of this has screenshots of Benson looking at Randy with "wtf" face so hope you enjoy that)

You're Probably Wrong About OCD (Here's What It Is)

Before we start, we need to understand what OCD is. "Oh, that's when you get really stressed out if things aren't clean, right?". No. It's not your fault if you think that, it's how most people think it is, but it's not. Or at least, that's a very simplified version of it. Here's what it actually is.

OCD can manifest as an obsession (or a "theme") followed by a compulsion to try and ease the distress caused by an obsession. These compulsions are usually illogical, an extreme example being "I need take an equal amount of steps on both feet when I'm walking home from work every day or my grandma might die". Themes, as well, are varied. They are sometimes very taboo - for example, one might experience intrusive thoughts along the lines of "what if you caused serious bodily harm to your partner?" or "what if you are secretly a sexual predator?". A compulsion that usually follows these thoughts is rumination, imagining scenarios where these thoughts are correct and you have to defend yourself in court, for example. If you know somebody who experiences themes like these, please understand it is not a reflection of who they are as a person. They are experiencing intrusive, unwanted thoughts, and they need your support, not your judgement.

Now, let's get to Randy's theme - false memory/real event. False Memory OCD is when your brain literally imagines a scenario for you and tells you it's real, usually a very upsetting one, and dares you to prove it wrong. Real Event OCD is when you are feeling immense guilt or shame over a real event that happened in the past which you are now obsessing over, usually in regard to your own morality ("this happened, I'm a bad person, I can never improve, I am defined by this"). The compulsion to "ease" these themes is usually the same; combing through memories to double check every possible detail of this memory to check if it's real/to check if it's as bad as you remember.

Randy is experiencing a combination of these: a real event that has since become twisted in his mind. He DID cause Miss Beard to lose an eye, but she did not crawl towards him on her knees bleeding and screaming after the fact, as shown in the opening scene. There are other logical fallacies to how Randy remembers the event too; for example, he's the only kid in the classroom when he remembers it. This wasn't the case in reality, and he even says this later when he's gained some confidence throughout the movie. But, as previously touched upon before, OCD can rob you of your rationality.

So now you know what OCD is, and why I think Randy has it. How do I know so much about false memory/real event OCD? Well, because I had/have it. More on that later, but first, let's have a look at Randy's journey in The Passenger and some specific moments that signal OCD to me.

"Your name is Bradley Bradley?": Randy and Over-acceptance

OCD can rob you of your ability to trust yourself and your own decisions. In an extreme case, it could even stop you from standing up for yourself in the most basic of circumstances, for example, correcting someone for getting your name wrong. Randy spent a year at Burgers Burgers Burgers wearing the wrong name badge because he didn't want to correct his manager.

When Randy accidentally injured Miss Beard, the lesson he took from it was that nothing good would come from him speaking up for himself or from making his own choices. "The last time I let myself react the way I wanted to, I ruined a person's life". He has since taken this to an extreme degree, and I argue he is following OCD's orders on that one: "you can't correct someone if they get your name wrong or you'll end up ruining their life too".

When Randy's manager finds out he's been using the wrong name for him, he shrugs it off. When Benson finds out:

Benson was a little too busy preparing to berate a service worker to respond to this (justice for Marsha), but you can imagine the thought process here is, "you let us all call you the wrong name for a year?".

That does not seem rational, does it? But here's the thing: OCD doesn't let you be rational sometimes.

"What are you saying to me? What are you trying to say?": Randy and Irrationality

This is also related to over-acceptance; OCD robs Randy of the ability to think rationally. This is especially noticeable when Lisa is first brought up. Benson asks why Randy and Lisa broke up, and Randy says "her cat died".

Benson has a similar response to what ours likely is: what the hell????

Of course we know that someone's cat dying is not a reason to break up with their significant other (unless it's an Angela and Dwight situation, RIP Sprinkles), but Randy is so deep in OCD and over-acceptance that this IS logical to him. He does not trust himself to think of that situation as irrational. He probably thinks something like "oh, getting dumped because her pet died is probably normal". He doesn't even ask anyone else if it's normal, he's just accepted it as something that has happened to him and makes no effort to challenge or change it, because by OCD's rules, if he does what he wants to do and asks further questions, he's going to ruin someone's life. That's what happened last time, and we don't want to repeat what happened last time, do we?

Ergo, through over-acceptance and irrationality adopted through the presence of OCD, "we broke up because her cat died" becomes a completely logical life event in Randy's world. Can't question it, a bad thing will happen if you question it.

But Benson questions it! A lot! This will be important when discussing Benson's approach to ERP, but first, let's talk about OCD and responsibility.

The Shooting: Randy and Responsibility

Here's one of my least favourite parts about OCD: the way it assigns responsibility to you for everything bad that happens. I can't even read the news without my OCD blaming me for whatever the criminal of today's headlines did. Don't even get me started on YouTuber and influencer drama; my OCD loves accusing me of those guys' crimes!

My heart breaks so much for Randy during the shooting, especially on a rewatch: there is no way he's not blaming himself for what happened.

He's the one that spoke up and asked Chris to stop making him uncomfortable, and following a chain of events, Benson shot Chris and everyone in the restaurant except for Randy. This is never confirmed, but seeing Randy after it happens, all I can think is "oh God. He's blaming himself."

Randy says later that the only time he let himself react the way he wants to, he ruined a person's life. Randy has just let himself react the way he wanted to. Now three people are dead.

We are, of course, not in control of how others respond to our actions. Randy asked Chris to stop making him uncomfortable, he did not take a gun and shoot three people dead. That was Benson. But I really do think Randy sees himself as a little responsible here, and that breaks my heart. To him, his worst fear just came true, his OCD has been proven right: he can't speak up for himself or he ruins lives.

But here's the thing; exposing yourself to your worst fears is exactly how you overcome OCD. This is where Benson the weird, violent therapist comes in.

"Do you see what happens when you do nothing?": Benson and Exposure and Response Prevention

Benson might have the most "don't try this at home" method of this therapy I've ever encountered, but there's no denying he got the job done!

In order to recover from OCD, you have to do "exposures". You have to expose yourself to what you are afraid of in order to train OCD to stop using it to scare you. For example, if OCD has convinced you that you can't touch a certain object for fear of getting a disease from it that you then spread to your entire family and kill them all, the solution is to get your hands ALL OVER that object, and then not wash your hands. That's the "response prevention" part. Another "response" could be reassurance seeking; for example, if you touch the object and then immediately ask everyone if you look like you're getting sick. Reassurance seeking is very discouraged in OCD recovery, as is reassurance giving.

What Randy has to do to overcome his OCD theme is accept what happened, and not engage with rumination. Accept that it happened, but that the world kept going, and that nothing good is going to come from robbing himself of his own life because of something that happened in the past.

Extreme violence and several crimes aside, this is exactly what Benson does for Randy.

Randy, in his mind, began the chain of events that caused the shooting. Of course, this isn't the case; Benson was on the absolute brink and this is just what caused him to snap. But here's the thing: unintentionally, and in a very fucked up way, Benson exposed Randy to what he was afraid of. And prevented a response.

Randy spoke up for himself, and three people got shot. Lives are ruined, just like OCD always told him would happen. Benson doesn't immediately tell him why he's just shot three people - he doesn't offer reassurance. He lets Randy sit with the thought. Randy has no choice but to accept what has happened, whether it was his fault or not.

Here's an example of Benson straight up denying Randy the chance to seek reassurance. Consider the diner scene again:

Randy: What does this have to do with me? [subtext: "Would the shooting have happened if not for me?]

Benson: You mean why are you here right now? [subtext: "We're not doing reassurance right now. Here's what I actually think you need to hear."]

OCD was right, as far as Randy knows. Benson isn't disputing this. And yet, the world kept turning. Exposure number one.

You can already see Randy get a little bit of confidence after this event. In the car on the way to Benson's, Randy tells Benson that his mother had him repeat the 2nd grade, and when Benson gives him a speech about needing to stand up for himself, Randy says "I was only seven".

Randy has probably never spoken that way to anyone in his life, let alone someone he just saw commit a homicide. He has CERTAINLY never defended himself for past actions based on his young age at the time, either; he's spent most of his life torturing himself over something he did when he was seven. But suddenly, the irrational brutality of OCD is cracking a little, and he can see: he was only seven. In a fucked up way, being exposed to his worst fear via the shooting has allowed Randy to see through the haze of OCD, if only for a little while, and realise what everyone else can see: he was only a child. This confidence continues to grow throughout the movie, leading to a moment where Randy feels brave enough to approach Benson, who is waving a gun around in a state of despair and anguish, and manages to convince him not to fire it. This is very different from the Randy we saw at the beginning of the movie, and I argue it's through Benson's exposures that he got there.

Benson continues to put Randy in very high-stress situations, confronting Lisa and then going to visit Miss Beard, the source of his current and most debilitating OCD theme, and in reality this would not be an ideal way to deal with it. It's too much too soon (graded exposure is the way to go in reality), and if this was real life, Randy would probably end his day with Benson feeling much, much worse than he did before due to sheer overstimulation. But this is a movie, and we're with these characters for a day. In the course of that day, I argue we see a really good fictionalised version of OCD recovery.

The way Benson reacts to Randy throughout the movie is really interesting to me. He not only challenges Randy's OCD-influenced thoughts in a way Randy has never allowed himself to ("what, she said 'I can't date you because my cat died?'"), but often finds a middle ground between reassurance and agreeing with OCD. For example, Benson often reacts with laughter when given details on Randy's "2nd grade incident". This may not be the most sensitive or ideal middle ground (and other Tumblr users have argued given Benson's own experiences when he was around Randy's age, he's laughing more in relief than dismissal), but it is certainly a middle ground. Plus, when Randy's OCD sees Benson responding to Randy's worst ever deed with laughter, resembling joy, OCD may be inspired to leave Randy alone a little regarding haunting flashbacks to a twisted version of what actually happened. OCD doesn't expect that response, and that has the potential to reroute Randy's obsessive thought patterns.

And then, there's the actions Benson carries out to make Randy actually do exposures and prevent avoidance behaviours (Benson is, of course, mostly preventing Randy from avoiding exposures through the act of having a gun, but you know). Randy has been avoiding asking Lisa why she broke up with him, because OCD has convinced him he doesn't need a reason and that things are just allowed to happen to him. Benson makes Randy ask her. Randy is afraid to see Miss Beard again, for fear that she hates him and that he will find her with a ruined life. Benson facilitates their reunion, and Randy finds out that his OCD was lying to him. While Benson has gone about it in a hostage-situation kinda way, over the course of a day, Randy has done everything he's spent years being too afraid to do. Benson gave Randy fucked up ERP. Benson is his weird, violent therapist.

But, this isn't all. Benson gave Randy his weird version of help because he did not think Randy would ever be brave enough to stand up for himself against Benson. But he was.

Interlude: This Seems Not Very Straight

If you're somehow on Tumblr reading about The Passenger and don't know this, this movie is often interpreted as queer. And just to clear up my stance on that: yes. Of course it is.

"Oh but Randy says he's not gay!". Yeah, so did the guys from Brokeback Mountain. Means nothing to me. I'm Roland Barthes-ing this movie enough already, why WOULDN'T I be for making it gay?

source. if no one else got me, Kyle Gallner got me.

So, back to my mental illness!

"I was never in charge, Randy": Benson is a Passenger, Too

Here's a difficult truth: if you are constantly telling your friend that they have to stand up for themselves, and they need to be more assertive, once they learn those skills, they will 100% use them on you if you have mistreated them or others, and you have to be prepared for that. Benson was not.

Benson is probably the closest thing Randy has ever had to a meaningful relationship that wasn't a relative, and vice versa. Both characters become deeply important to each other throughout the film, but there's still a lot of toxicity there. Benson may be helping Randy do exposures, but he is also constantly punching him and ordering him around at gunpoint. Randy recognises this behaviour as not being right from the start, hence how terrified he looks in the beginning, but isn't about to visibly get mad at the guy holding the gun. (Though I will say, the moments where Randy allows himself a moment to fix Benson with a cold, hard "why are you doing this to me" glare are magical. He looks so mad. Little angry cat look.).

But Benson "creates a monster". Over the course of the movie, Randy's confidence grows little by little the more time he spends with Benson, the more time he spends confronting his past, and eventually that works against Benson. Randy calls the cops on him, and I urge you to pay attention to Randy's reaction after he does it.

Randy can't believe he's done it. Benson can't believe he did it; later, when he's looking for who called the cops, he doesn't even consider Randy, who was the only one that could have. It's just so unbelievable to him that Randy would do this; it does not line up with the person Randy was in the beginning of this movie.

Randy did it; he's finally brave enough to stand up for himself and make his own decisions. He doesn't want it to come at Benson's expense, and you can see that in this scene as well, and later when he calls out to Benson when the latter is headed out to face the cops. It's switching between joy and fear; the adrenaline that comes from doing what you're afraid to do as a person with OCD cannot be understated. The high is incredible, but the fear that comes with it is overwhelming. All of that is portrayed here.

And then Randy goes out and says, "Benson, I need to talk to you". Not "we need to talk". Randy prioritises himself and his needs. He's brave enough to do that now. And he says all sorts of things that Benson doesn't want to hear; "there's no point to what you're doing", and that for all Benson's talk about taking risks and standing up, he has barely left the town he grew up in all day, even though he has a very good reason to (Benson is currently on the lam). Randy has realised that perhaps Benson needs to practice what he preaches and do a little more of what he's afraid to do.

And Benson doesn't appreciate it at first. "Who the fuck are you to talk to me like this, after everything I've done for you?!" This is the first and most obvious response, "I helped you, you're not supposed to use that help against me! I'm in charge!"

And then, once it becomes clear that Randy used what he learned from Benson to drum up the courage to call the cops, the real response comes:

"I was never in charge, Randy."

The audience has very recently learned that Benson too suffered a terrible trauma as a child. It is not one that is as easily fixable as Randy's. It's damaged Benson too much, and Benson has known this whole time that he can't really fix it or himself. He damned himself with the shooting at the fast food restaurant. He snapped and can't go back. All he's known for sure is that he could help Randy. One last good deed.

Benson is a passenger, too. Benson was under the command of his own trauma this whole time, just like Randy. The difference was that Randy internalised his and punished himself, while Benson externalised his and he exploded like a grenade. Randy was maybe ten years and a few bad nights of sleep from doing something similar; Benson saw that and tried to stop it.

And that's the kicker: everyone is someone's passenger, even Benson was a passenger in the end. But in his own fucked up way, Benson broke the cycle: he fixed Randy. No matter what happens now, he went out having helped someone.

Benson is a weird, violent therapist. But he got results!

"Thanks, for... thank you": Life 'After' OCD

The reality is that with OCD, once it's done with one theme, it'll usually just move onto another. That's what happened to me; once I'd confronted my original false memory/real event, OCD just moved onto something else. But you know what? I was ready for it. And so was Randy.

No matter what way you swing it, you cannot deny that the life Randy has at the end of this movie likely would not have happened without Benson.

If you asked Randy at the beginning of this movie to play the eraser game with you, he probably would have thrown up on the spot just from the stress of you possibly knowing about what he'd done. And here he is, playing it with Miss Beard's daughter, someone he couldn't even imagine existed because having a daughter would have meant Miss Beard had a life after the incident, something he could never comprehend under OCD's spell. Randy tells his mother as he's leaving Miss Beard's house that he's going to get dinner with his friends. He has friends! They probably know his real name! Because he's brave enough to tell them!

And the thing is, you can see Randy appreciate this, and appreciate Benson. He hasn't forgotten Benson; the stuffed animals they made sit proudly among Miss Beard's daughter's playthings. Randy says 'thank you' to Miss Beard, for forgiving him and for allowing him the chance to move on, and I like to think the 'thank you' was also for Benson, too; Benson's methods may have been... unique, to say the least, but you can't deny the results!

Conclusion

I could not believe what I was seeing when I first saw The Passenger. There I was, in the dark depths of OCD, terrified to tell people about my false memory/real event themes for fear of being shunned and rejected or (because OCD likes to get irrational) imprisoned. But then I saw this movie, I saw this character, in the depths just like I was. And I'd never seen anything like it before. I couldn't stop crying. Someone made an OCD recovery movie. With queer undertones, no less! I was being well fed indeed!

And then, Benson reached over and wiped a tear from Randy's cheek and gently told him that he shouldn't be punishing himself for what happened. And then I thought, should I still be punishing myself? I got therapy. And I confessed my own false memory/real event to my therapist. And she didn't call the cops. She didn't yell obscenities at me. She comforted me. She taught me how to heal, and how to live. Without punching me in the stomach outside an elementary school! Didn't know OCD therapists could do that!

I interpret this movie as fucked up ERP. Like, really fucked up ERP. Violence and murder and abusive boyfriends ERP. But, this is the movie that helped me get the help I need. I wouldn't change a thing about it. Someone made it in a lab for me, and I'm so, so grateful. My weird little mentally ill gay movie. I cannot thank it enough.

And I cannot thank you enough for reading this!

#the passenger #the passenger 2023 #ocd #ocd rant #randy bradley #benson the passenger #my god this took so long #my hands hurt #but i needed it out my brain #and somewhere else #now it's maybe on your dash!!#hi!! hope you enjoy!!! or tell me why you hate it and why I should die lol #okay bye i gotta go sleep #maybe. idk. we'll see #own post #scene analysis

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thebigoblin · 10 months ago

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On The Dance Floor

tags: Not Scott McCall Friendly, Inspired by a Song, Oneshot, Alpha Derek Hale, Derek Hale Loves Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski Loves Derek Hale, Getting Together, The Hale Pack 2.0, Fluff, Minor Sheriff Stilinski/Melissa McCall

a/n: found this in my drafts tagged as "complete." figured i'll post this as a lil weekend treat <3 so cleaned it up a bit. i'll post this on ao3 tomorrow ig. also, real enemy is giving fics a fucking title.

now you can also read this fic on ao3.

White, marble tiles are eaten up by his black, formal shoes, his movements a little hurried as he veers off another corner of this event hall, almost braining himself against the wall. He stops just at the right moment, curses his clumsiness, and continues walking down the empty hallway to the dressing room. Everyone else is already in the main hall, sitting on the chairs, and Stiles Stilinski was there only moments before, so he knows they're waiting for the ceremony to begin.

Except, his dad is getting cold-feet, and despite Scott's attempts at being normal around his soon-to-be stepfather, and being a shoulder to lean on, the cold-feet is getting worse. At least, that's what Derek texted him, a short, concise depiction of whatever the hell must be happening in the dressing room.

And he trusts the Alpha, so he's quick in his steps and quicker with his breaths when he does open up the door and finds his dad pacing around the decently-sized room, his suit on, and complemented by a look of absolute panic on his face.

Scott is standing off to the side, like he always seems to be these days, and he's on the opposite side of Derek, far from him, like he always was and always will be. Some people don't change, and Stiles has learned that through experience he would rather not repeat.

"Dad," Stiles says, and that's all it takes for the dam to break. His dad gives a quick glance to Scott, his once-favorite son, and then pulls both Stiles and Derek towards him, his hands a little sweaty with dread. His dad knows being close and talking low wouldn't make a difference, but it's the principle of the thing, and for one split second he wonders what 16 year old him would have thought of this fact, of Derek being his dad's chosen son, and him himself being this close to his dad. And Scott not even being privy to the beauty of this relationship.

"What if she doesn't want me to? I love Melissa, I do, but Claudia- I don't know. I had a dream yesterday, Stiles, and she was just, she was just there! Just sitting on the beach, where I proposed to Melissa, right where Melissa was sitting. Was that, like, one of your supernatural dreams? Derek, you must know something about these sort of things. I don't think she wants me to—"

Derek cuts him off with a firm, "She wants nothing but happiness for you." He gives Stiles a quick look, asking silently if this is okay, because out of the four people in this room he's the only who didn't actually know her when she was alive. Stiles nods, and Derek continues, and his dad hangs onto every word out of Derek's mouth. "Today is a big day for you, and you're nervous, and it's okay, John. That dream was just a way for your subconscious to show up — this isn't the first time you've had this thought, have you?"

"No."

"That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just your nerves."

Stiles smiles softly at his dad. "Mom loves you," he moves forward to bring his dad in for a patented Stilinski hug. His voice is muffled when he insists, "She loved you when she was beside you, and she loves you now that she's watching over you. And she loves Melissa, too. I know she'll be the one smiling the biggest when you say 'I Do,' today."

His dad holds on for a little longer, and Stiles knows he's holding back tears when his dad says, "Okay," with a rough voice. He pulls back, takes a deep breath, pats Stiles on the shoulder twice, the way he always does, and gives a wobbly smile to Derek. He says, "Thanks, son," to both of them before looking at himself in the mirror.

"You look amazing."

"I'm so glad Lydia's mom was able to modify your original suit into this," Stiles adds to Derek's compliment, and Derek nods, repeats the sentiment of his dad looking amazing.

Scott chimes in, too, and his dad gives him a small smile. The relationship with him is strained, and if it was any other day Scott wouldn't even be in Beacon Hills, but it's his mom's wedding day, too. Stiles allows this one day, and if he didn't, he can't really stop Scott from being here. This is his hometown, too. They have their differences, yes, but they also have a past, together and also not, stemming from this same town.

Stiles has no right to where Scott does or does not go.

Derek, on the flip side, with his red eyes and ancestral blood running through his veins, roots sprouting from this town's soil, has no such qualms. Derek and Scott share a past, too, and it defines their present more than anything else could have.

Stiles' dad says he'll be out in just a minute, can they wait outside please, and all three of them step out. Once the door is closed, Derek turns to Scott.

"When are you leaving?"

Scott is instantly angry. He has always hated Derek, no matter the truth. Logic was always Stiles' friend first and Scott's second, and without Stiles, Scott is just a ball of emotions being hit by the bat of daddy and authoritative issues.

Derek has a right to know. It is his prerogative. This is his land, his territory, his packmate's wedding. Scott was banished — run off, really, and now he's back. Derek has a right to know when he'll leave, irrespective of Scott's hesitation to tell him.

But, the years have done Scott good. Instead of yelling, making a scene, he takes a breath in. Stiles wonders what or who his anchor is, and promptly decides it's not something he cares to know. He watches Scott get himself under control, enough that when he speaks his voice is almost emotionless.

All or nothing. That was what Scott was, and still is. He's changed, but not really.

"Mom leaves for her honeymoon tomorrow, and I need to take stuff from home."

Derek raises his right eyebrow. "That's not an answer."

Scott gives a tight smile. "It is if you just learn to stop when you should."

Before Derek can say anything, Stiles is taking the two steps to stand right beside his Alpha, disbelief coloring his face and words as he lets out, "Are you seriously threatening him?"

Scott just looks at him. The look is unreadable. It hurts, this distance between them, when Stiles remembers fantasizing about being not two feet apart on a porch in their late, late years, drinking to the years and cheers they must have had in their shared lives. Derek shakes him out of that thought with a gentle touch to his hand, their arms trapped between their bodies, and he relaxes.

Derek looks at Scott. His eyes turn red, brilliant red, and he orders, "Leave by Wednesday afternoon."

Today is Sunday.

And his dad's wedding day. His dad, who chooses this moment to come out, looking much better, and happier, and assured. He looks at the scene in front of him, the three of them, Scott on one side, alone. Him and Derek, side by side, on the opposite side of Scott.

He claps his hands.

"Who is ready to cry today?"

They all cry.

The ceremony is simple, but beautiful. The whole town is here, the wedding off their Sheriff, and the nurse who is so lovely, so kind. They are an inspiration, they all murmur, Derek tells him; second chances at love are rare, and this is beautiful, and who knew there exists beauty in the depths of tragedy?

His dad cries when he watches Melissa come down the aisle, Ms. Martin on one side and Scott on the other. Her best friend and her son, and for once, Stiles doesn't mind Scott's presence.

Melissa is smiling, eye to eye, her wedding gown fitting her perfectly.

She stands in front of his dad and says, "Oh, John," with such reverence, it's hard to not cry. Stiles has to put his hand in front of his mouth, but it's futile. Derek, the jerk, repeats those words, the ones he is hearing from every corner of the hall, and by the time Stiles has a dad and a stepmom officially, he's crying happy tears.

Lydia hugs him and tells him now it's his turn to find her mom somebody, too, and he agrees, only half-listening to her. He's staring at the big, gigantic grin on his dad's face, a matching one on Melissa.

Everyone congratulates him and the newlyweds, and then it's food and chatter and toasts, and everyone is surprised when Derek gives the first toast instead of Stiles, and Scott is supposedly not giving one at all.

Derek's toast is short, but no less lovely. He calls John a great man, one with utmost patience, and of course Derek would find a way to make a dig at Stiles; he says he has no clue how John and Claudia had strength enough to be patient with Stiles around, and that perhaps it is that tenacity, that will, that has brought about the proceedings of today. Of not giving up, even when the world is stacked against you. Of staying strong, in the face of everything falling apart. Of falling apart but coming back stronger, steadier. Of finding love after all of that. And coming from Derek, of all people, it means a whole lot, and Stiles' dad hugs Derek post-speech tightly.

When they pull apart, Derek says into the mic, but with eyes on Stiles' dad, "She's just as proud of you as Stiles is. As I am."

And then it's his turn to give a toast, and he's not sure how he can outdo Derek; as he stands up in front of the mic, he realizes he doesn't want to.

He gives a few funny anecdotes of his childhood, of how his dad taught him to always have hope, because good people get good things, even if it takes long. And how Melissa was always there, a second mom to him right from the start, and how much he loves her and is glad she's still in his life, despite the years, despite the circumstances. The crowd gets intrigued at that, aware of the distance between Scott and his mom, and Stiles too; all of Beacon Hills knows about the rift, but only a hand few know the cause of it as well. So, for him to mention the distance, to publicly acknowledge it, is a big thing.

He moves right the fuck on, makes jokes and smiles and cries, admits he'll always miss his mom, but that he'd always hoped, deep in his heart, that when the grief becomes tolerable he'd be the one to make the two of them marry each other.

"You got there first," he jokes, "Had the ring all picked out even before I could start trying to convince you to ask her out. Honestly, that might have been the second best decision you've ever made." None of them have to ask what the first was. It's obvious; Stiles knows his mom's wedding ring sits inside his dad's shirt, on a necklace, his own beside it.

Melissa gives a toast, too. She reminisces the first time she met Claudia, how they became friends, and how, at the time, it was impossible to imagine a life without her.

Before her little speech, to everyone this was her and John's day, but it's clear to them now that it's not just that. To the newlyweds it's a promise to Claudia; Melissa's once best friend and his dad's first love. To be happy. To live.

There's more hugs, more cheers, the champagne popping, and a quick, impromptu speech by Scott, who was fuming at being outdone like this by not just Stiles, but also Derek.

His speech is not bad, per se. Angry jerks of his chin, wild eyes and noticeable pauses. It's not bad. It just looks bad in comparison.

Stiles will definitely rot in hell for finding this funny, but at least he won't be the only one. The whole pack is trying not to laugh, and Stiles has to hide his own in the lapels of Derek's suit, who in turn hides his laughter in Stiles' hair.

Stiles feels bad, once or twice. But Scott made his bed and he's lying on it.

And then, after that, there's the first dance. There's the open dance floor and little kids asking Derek sweetly if he'll dance with them. He's their favorite, and it's adorable, and Stiles takes a thousand pictures.

Derek is in a sharp suit, and the juxtaposition of him dancing with young children, in princess dresses and printed suits — one kid had a yellow, minion-print suit, and honestly, that kid, Darren, pulled it off well — all colorful to his black shirt, black blazer, and black pants, is just so...

Good.

Derek's whole face is lit up, the golden glow of the lights all around them putting him in an ethereal spotlight, his eyes soft, mouth curved up, and nose adorably scrunched as he tries to decipher the babbling of a two-year-old.

The mom of the kid comes to get the boy, profusely apologizing, but Derek just smiles and says it's okay. It was no issue, it's okay, no need to apologize at all.

"Right," she says, eyes flicking between Derek and Stiles. "I'll let you get back to your partner then." And it's clear she means him.

Derek doesn't correct her, and neither does he. She leaves, and in this corner of the room, it's just them now. Most kids are tired, now, and most guests have left. It's mostly just the closest friends of Melissa and his dad, and the pack, of course, who are here.

Derek turns to him, his eyes still soft, which somehow get more soft when he looks at Stiles. It takes his breath away, and he lets out a squeaky, "Let's dance?" He's almost 25, the "adult" age according to the internet, and he still acts like a high school kid with a fucking crush.

Derek just makes him feel that way.

Derek, who is going to be 30 in less than a week, the big decade, the big, bad wolf. Derek, who blushes, his cheeks pinkish red behind his stubbled face, and puts out a hand.

Stiles takes the offered hand, his heart dancing inside his ribcage. And onto the stage they go, to the applause of the pack, and his dad's, "Finally!"

Stiles blushes, too. It's just their luck to get on the floor when it's a slow dance song.

Derek wastes no time, like he can't think or he'll explode, and puts his left hand on Stiles' waist, his right on Stiles' shoulder. Stiles puts both his hands around Derek's neck, and the alpha leans into the touch. This, the blatant trust, the welcomeness of it, is what bolsters Stiles.

They move to the slow beat, their eyes on each other's like white on rice, and everything else just doesn't exist. It's just them, and only them. No one else exists, not when they do, this close.

They move closer still, their hips touching, their foreheads against each other's. Noses touching close.

"Hey," he says, and grins when Derek does.

"Hey," Derek says back, so close that Stiles feels in his bones the word shape itself in Derek's mouth.

The music changes, then, and Stiles recognizes this one from the very first beat of it. Of course he does. It's Derek's favorite song ever.

"Did you bribe the DJ to play Apocalypse?"

Derek laughs, a quick, short one, and Stiles watches the movement of it, the beauty of Derek Hale laughing. "What if I did?"

Before Stiles can say anything, the line, "kisses on the forehead of lovers," comes on, and Derek takes a step back, only to kiss Stiles on the forehead.

Stiles' breath stops in his throat. Derek closes the gap between them again, and sways them to the beat. Stiles just follows his lead, his face having stuck itself on an astonished smile, and by the time the song is over he's just hugging Derek, tight, close, forever and ever and ever close.

Derek hums the song right in his ear, and it's perfect, Derek's breath on him, his grip, his eyes on him.

Stiles takes a step back and just looks into Derek's eyes.

"Hey," Derek says softly. They don't need words. Just this, a moment to themselves, where nothing but them exists.

Stiles doesn't even have a clue what song is playing. All he hears is Derek. His unspoken trust and devotion, his soul half of Stiles', Stiles' own soul half of Derek's. Their mingling breaths, because they're still close, just a hair apart from being one.

"Hey," he repeats, and they're both moving forward, Derek's hands on Stiles' waist, his own around Derek's neck, and they kiss.

It's gentle and slow, like time doesn't exist, could never take from them, this moment infinite, their love defying the laws of the universe and stopping time.

Because this is it. This is love, theirs and theirs only, part of its definition somewhere in the noises Stiles is making, part of it in the way Derek is touching him, moving his hands around Stiles' body, up and down, up and down, caressing him close and closer still.

Because isn't that what love is? Finding meaning in another?

After what feels like a lifetime, Derek pulls back. "Your lips, my lips, apocalypse," Derek hums against his lips, and they're so close, one breath two beings close, Stiles feels the movement of Derek's lips against his.

He lets out a small laugh. Derek swallows it down with another kiss, this one urgent, and time stills, again. Nothing exists, but this, and this moment only. Them. Arms around one another, devouring lips, tight grip, closed eyes, and peace.

They pull apart, foreheads resting against each other's, and Stiles opens his eyes to Derek's soft gaze. On him, through him, for him. He smiles, takes Derek's hand in his, dislodging it from its previous position on Stiles' waist, and brings it up to kiss the open palm of this man, who is radiant in this moment, glowing, almost, with happiness.

"Best day ever," Derek says, and he hums only the tune this time, and this time, Stiles sings the lyrics.

"Your lips, my lips, apocalypse."

"We did think it would take, like, a severe life or death situation for you two to get your shit together."

The sudden reality of a third person existing, and slowly, the reality of them being in the middle of a public dance floor in front of people has them flinching and moving apart.

"Kind of glad that didn't actually occur," Lydia continues, unperturbed.

"Definitely glad," his dad agrees.

"I do prefer you two getting together on my wedding day instead of my ER room, actually." Melissa adds.

Derek and Stiles both stare at their pack — Lydia, grinning eye to eye, a wine glass in her hand. John and Melissa beside her, their hands clasped, laughing at Derek and Stiles' wide-eyed gaze. Isaac clicking a hundred pictures of them, Erica with her full-red lips and a plate filled with food. Boyd beside his wife, hand on her shoulder, and Jackson leaning against Danny, smirking at the two of them. Cora is looking at them, that Hale look of absolute mischief. Kira and Malia have probably gone home — and nope, here they come, with a...

"Is that a banner?" Derek asks, aghast, and Stiles is right there with him. Because that fucking banner reads STEREK WINS.

"What the fuck?"

Peter comes out from the shadows, and Stiles tries to be happy about the fact that his appearance surprised everyone else present too, not just him and Derek.

"Thanks for making me win the bet. Really appreciate the $5."

"Bet?!"

His dad answers his unasked question. "We all figured you two would get together sometime during our wedding. Maybe during or after. It was just a matter of when." He points to where Malia and Kira are putting the banner up, right beside the one that says, JUST MARRIED!!! "Most of us figured the week following today, but Peter, Lydia, and Kira are the only ones who doubled down on the day being today itself."

"We're going to share our anniversary!" Melissa exclaims, happy.

Derek and Stiles just stare.

Derek turns towards him. He cocks an eyebrow up. Stiles nods with quick movements of his head.

"We, uh, are gonna go," Stiles says to the hall at large. "Have fun with your... bet, I guess. Dad, Melissa, love you guys, the rest of you, fuck off." Everyone laughs.

"We'll talk about anniversary plans later, Melissa," Derek says, and Stiles finger guns at her before realizing how stupid it looks.

Luckily, Derek picks him up, fireman carry style, and swoops him away.

Stiles groans against Derek's back. "Doofuses. Serious doofuses."

"Us or them?"

Stiles thinks. "All of us," he decides. "All of us, Derek. How the fuck were we so stupid to wait so long to get together?" They don't need to really discuss it — the kiss was just a precursor. "And why the fuck do they have to be so... ugh."

"They're still laughing," Derek says, as if that would help. "Doofuses," he agrees.

And then they're in the Jeep, Derek's camaro probably to be taken home by Isaac, and they're alone and when Derek drops him gently on the seat, Stiles lunges up to kiss.

"You make me fucking feral," Derek admits against his lips, and hey, Stiles loves where this is going. "I love you."

The words are nothing, really, but an arbitrary combination of English lexicon. But there is a meaning it — so many touches, so many moments shared between the two of them. Time spent in presence or in thoughts. All of it, leading up to this. These three words that make Stiles giddy.

"I love you too, and we really were doofuses."

"Wanna be doofuses on my bed?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

Stiles speeds it out of the parking lot of the event hall, and they do, in fact, act like doofuses on Derek's bed.

They make-out, they throw down their clothes, and they pour out their hearts with every touch, every caress, every moan; they kiss and laugh and confess, touch and worship and love.

They map out each other's bodies and lean in, snuggle, and sleep.

If all apocalypses could be so lovely, it would be great, really.

#sterek #derek hale #stiles stilinski #sterek fics #sheriff stilinski #melissa mccall #the hale pack 2.0 #ahhh spent like 15 mins trying to come up with a title and i give up #it's 3 am rn and i'm going to SLEEP #gotta wake up in like 5ish hours too aanxbsjshjs #bYE #sh.rambles #sh.writesonmain #hopefully y'all enjoy this weekend treat #i wrote this a good few weeks ago and so glad i found it in the piles of wip

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