#I PUT IN A SHIFT & DAMN
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honestly cant stand how technically important demise is and yet how he doesnt actually matter or exist in peoples minds as a character, the only thing that matters is his stupid "curse" thing and its the only thing why he will ever be brought up, theres never really any thought around him that isnt related to the "cuuuurse", otherwise he basically doesnt exist in the fandom
to some extent its understandable given how little he actually is in the game but it still makes me sad and a little frustrated imo he shouldnt be treated like soemthing so unimportant given hes involved with the literal start of the timeline
and worst of all is how he and ganondorf make each other worse, like their link is completely deniable yet its like more often than not treated like gan is to demise what zelda is to hylia, but even that isnt used interestingly no, its only ever to write off gan as "well, hes just a demon, demons need no motives or character, they are jsut evil" WHICH IS SO BORING, and people will be HAPPY about that??? they go yippie gan is jsut an evil demon yaaay like the fuck???
it goes around to that other post i made about how not wanting a better written gan is wanting everything to be worse, bc a better written villain is a better written everything and there is only winning in that
demise specifically is just a sore spot for me since hes my blorbo, and the way even gan fans hate him for introducing the "cuuurse" thing just makes it hurt doubly, i get why, still its just so .. man i wish BOTH gan and demise were allowed to be characters, at least gan was a character at some point, demise has nothing ;__;
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#sudden demise feelings go brrrrrr#whenever he does get mentioned by anyone i cant even go “demise mention!!”#bc the only thing that he gets mentioned for is the damn curse thing#which i dont care about and actually hate bc its a big reason why so many gan discussions are outright impossible now#and is the reason he doesnt get any other thought than that#yeehaw lets just shift the blame around#bc thats better#to fix it we should invent another literal satan guy who is actually controlling demise#thats like how it went with him and gan#its just so BORING#stop shifting the evil incarnate thing around that doesnt solve its problem#it just shoves it onto another character#grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#and he never got ANY merch#he didnt even get a watercolor painting#no#he has ONE concept art#they jsut drew buff dude and gave him fire hair and put no more thought into it#drives me up a wall
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MASSIVE SPOILER for one of the endings.
it's been a while since i tried looking, but i did hear that something like this happens last year and over time started to think, "was it a fluke?" bc no one posted footage or caps of it then, and i aimed for a completionist run in my first playthrough. turns out it's real! and definitely shines a new light on a character that, for most other types of playthroughs, will not give this much emotion! EDIT: transcript now included, and some stillshots under the cut
[0:28] Marie: Henry, this is the man who kept you from doing the right thing tonight. Kill him. [0:15] Forrest: Henry, you don’t have to do this. If you’ve not killed anyone yet, there’s still time to make the right decision. [0:05] Out of shot: (Gunshots) Henderson Police! Freeze! Marie: No! Henry, get out of there!
#killer frequency#henry barrow#these hands………#so yes MORE spoilers and further commentary ahead here in the tags:#yes this is a fairly tragic ending if you already know how to get it. but again TERRIFIC VOICE ACTING BEFOREHAND AND AFTER.#feel free to reply in post if you want to ask about that part.#i didn't include that in the vid bc it's so visceral and raw but i love their performances. that shit hit hard dang.#but i want to ask anyone if their perspective on henry changes after seeing this? mine does tbh. i didn't expect a possible show of remorse#like at most hesitation! but bc of the context of forrest's dialogue- does it lean into remorse? a large definite shift in his mind!#even if he Has killed already then he's still taking forrest's words to heart and reconsidering everything which DAMN-#-my videogamey headcanon of forrest's character stats showing his Persuasion and Charm MAXED OUT is pulling tf through here!!#also can anyone reply re: would forrest's dialogue change but he still survives if henry kills maurice or murphy? or would forrest die?#and if the devs Actually gave henry other official kills in the game but didn't disclose them in the narrative- then is this the test?#like if henry kills AT ALL in game even though the player isn't privy to knowing which victims are his then is this ending unattainable?#also placing this scene/character moment behind THIS ENDING SPECIFICALLY heck that's cold. dang fellas.#going to eventually pull out a hc i've been holding back for a long time in a later post and i'll mention this scene again then-#-but this part in particular as well as another “easter egg” has really put more fuel to it
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Rereading Netherwood 3 again and damn the breeding kink went HARD
#what was I going through#like gyatt damn#the fireplace scene is still my favorite#no wolf no shifting just pure need to put a baby in her
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obsessed with the idea of being trained into somno by a girl who's too shy to fuck me while i'm awake. it wouldn't be difficult at all either, i've fallen asleep stuffed to the brim with a nice big toy before, i bet it'll be easy to stay asleep while it moves back and forth. and then she could replace it with her cock, feeling me instinctively clench down on her and covering her mouth so her moans don't wake me up. and then she'd start to move as well, slowly and carefully as she can, but there's only so much patience a poor horny girl can have when there's a warm wet cunt clenching all around her pretty little cock, so she's start fucking me for real, rougher and rougher, but oh no, she's getting close, so she has to pull out and cum on my stomach instead of inside me ): but it's okay, she'd be near me fast asleep when i wake up all wet and horny and notice the stains between my legs and on my belly. and it's no biggie for me to climb on top of her and slowly grind against her until she starts to get hard and i can make her fuck me again. i'd ride her into waking her up still drowsy from spending half the night busy with my pussy and too horny to care about not getting me pregnant when i milk that lovely load out of her <33 and, well, since it's too late to be careful already, she might as well make a habit out of pumping me full of cum whenever i'm asleep, especially if it's been a hard day at work for me and i'm out like a light!
#started writing this at work and got si damn wet almost immediately ): good thing it was near the end of my shift#so now i get to take a well-deserved nap#stuffed of course! gotta have that pussy wet and stretched nicely for any volunteers who wanna drop by and put it to good use <3#asks are open <3 btw <333#t4t nsft#t4t somno#t4t cnc#t4t breeding#t4t bottom#(sorta)#{it's your q; open your mouth // own posts}
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I'm gonna be honest I've been mulling over the cut dialogue post for the entire day because what I want to know is the direction of the developers.
Part of me isn't sure whether if the cut dialogue was cut content for the sake of cut content (i.e. time/budget limitations, it was too much/unnecessary for the scene, etc) or whether it was a change in tweaking Volo's canon character. (i.e. making his villainy closer/a foil of Cyrus.) (for the most I'm still not sure if the cut dialogue is considered "canon" or not, but for the most part until we see official content that contradicts it I will consider it as "canon" Volo.)
Because I don't know about you, but it's really telling something about his character.
I'm a descendant of the ancient Sinnoh people! I revere Arceus, the almighty god, and I will demonstrate his power to all living things in the sky, the earth, the sea! Yes! As the avatar of Arceus, I will house that power and bring its gospel to Hisui! I won't let you, an outsider with no history here, get in my way!
Okay so, this passage is the part I want to delve into. A couple of points:
"Avatar of Arceus" - this pretty much explains the Arceus cosplay in the final battle. I mean it was assumed already if you know how iconography and symbolism works, but it pretty much plainly explains that Volo sees himself as a god or in the very least, as a standing representation of Arceus itself in the physical world.
"I will house that power" - again this is just a rewording of what already exists in the final scene, where Volo states he wants to "use Arceus' power to create a new better world". Note he doesn't say he will defeat Arceus, or kill it. I know it's common interpretation in fan circles that Volo kills/takes Arceus power, but it's important for us to remember that canonically, Volo DOES NOT want to kill Arceus. His reverence may be strong, and he does have this weird religious ecstasy brainrot, but he does not wish to actually kill it. Volo is a religious zealot.
And the parts that are bothering me the most are these lines:
"I will demonstrate his power to all living things in the sky, the earth, the sea! / ...bring its gospel to Hisui!" - this part is what I'm ruminating on the most. Because with this passage, it's making me rethink all of my previous interpretations on Volo, and I fear we may have been misinterpreting him this entire time.
This is again where I want to emphasize I don't know for sure if this is a character rework or cut content, because here Volo makes no mention of a "better world" by using the power of Arceus.
Because yknow what that sounds like right? Like Christian/Catholic preaching. Specifically the word "gospel" is used here, and he makes mention of "demonstrating his power to all living things". Like spreading the word of God? He makes no mention of this gospel of Arceus being love or light however, which makes me worried what this implies...
And this is what's bothering the most about this. Volo from this dialogue, may not be a saviour wishing to create a better world without suffering because his God designed a flawed world that included those things.
Volo is a religious zealot that believes the world is flawed because of other people, not because his God made a flawed creation. And that the cure to removing this suffering is recreating his own biblical flood and killing everyone and spreading the word of Jesus Arceus.
That's why Volo has a hard time trusting others in Pokemas because other people are sinful/backstabbing and cannot be trusted (albeit heavily influenced by whatever Traumatic Thing™ happened in his villain backstory that as of writing this, has yet to be revealed) but if this is canon to his character, it's a HUGE difference from what we were all interpreting. He's not staging a divine coup for the people, he's your Catholic pastor that believes if you don't believe in god you're going to hell. He's the holy crusader that is willing to hurt entire groups of people in the name of god, believing this harm he's doing is "righteous" because he's doing it for Arceus.
If this is what Volo's idea of a "better world" was like the entire time, damn I really hope he loses and gets a redemption. A world where everyone follows the gospel of God through force? Maybe there's a reason he's a villain.
#text#headcanons#not putting this in the character tag because again. i dont know for sure if i should be interpreting this as canon or not#but man. realizing this possible interpretation has. made Volo give the biggest ick to me.#the tonal shift to being in this weird but interesting internal conflict between loving/resenting your god#......to having absolute loyalty to a god (that happens to have christian themes) and and hurting others in his name. its uh#hitting a little TOO home to real life. the fact that he's blonde and white isnt helping. like a little too much like the irl stereotypes#part of me hopes this isnt canon because this is so less sexy. like damn i guess he might be just any white christian guy in america.#sources: I'm also a guy with religious trauma and i genuinely think Volo is whack.
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me after replying to every fuckin draft ... (i absolutely loved it tho)
#〆 ‒‒‒‒‒ out of character.#im really glad#that i've learned to listen to myself#& only write#when i want to#bc i couldnt do it yesterday#but today?#I PUT IN A SHIFT & DAMN#did em all#LIKE THEM ALL#still gotta icon & queue em but#means i can do some asks#between the queue!#y'all make me so happy to write is2g#gonna go to sleep now bye bye <3
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My brain is so full of Bees about Post-Shift 2.
It's a fan game that was delayed for 4 years -- by the time it released, fnaf fangames as a whole were not as popular as they had been, & most people in the scene had forgotten about Post-Shift 1, so not a lot of people heard about it/played it.
Worse still is the people who did talk about the game. Pretty unanimously, the consensus was this: this game is the craziest, most insane fnaf fangame. It's overly difficult with mechanics that have no rhyme or reason to them & tutorials that are wordy, unhelpful, & sometimes actively mislead the player, meaning you need to comb through a lot of text only to be misinformed. It's not as infamous as some other fangames, but it definitely was talked about very poorly.
In general, I think most of these criticisms were blown up out of proportion, but I can't really disagree with most people's problems -- it is difficult & wordy, & rather hard to understand. I think, however, that the game is still 1. Really fun, 2. Not a bad game at all, &, most importantly, 3. Is a free fucking game that was clearly a passion project. Most damn fangames never get off the fucking ground when made in groups because the creators will never make a red cent off the thing -- this game was made by one dude for 4 years & delivered to people for free. It didn't ask anything of you except to accept it as a difficult game & to not go in with wild expectations. The dev just wanted to make a game that was rough, but he also wanted to make a game that felt unique & was fun. & It is fun, too, is the damn thing.
#em.txt#ps2 post#post-shift 2#i obviously am biased#i also obviously have more to say#but for now i think this is a start. i think this is fine so far.#i got counter arguments i was gonna type about the problems#bc tbh i think the difficulty isn't as big a problem as the difficult curve -- it starts very high for a fangame#bc it assumed you know what they're like. you know how fangames work. but it over assumes that all the mechanics#work at the same frequency as other fangame#the difficulty curve of night 1 is pretty tough place to start which turned a lot of people off#especially with how long & unclear th tutorials are & of course night 1's tutorial starting with a character that is unused in that night#it's rough. night 2 is even tougher. but night 3 is a cakewalk once you beat 2 bc it only adds 2 threats#so you might expect the next night to be as easy or even easier & in my eyes yeah -- night 4 is easier than 1 even#except that it's completely different & is asking the player to learn a new game entirely which is its own difficulty#but i can crank out a night 4 easy peasy no prolem. so you might expect night 5 to be even easier right? WRONG#WRONG WRONG WRRRONNNGG even people who know what they are doing struggle#because a mechanic in the game actively increases the difficulty as the difficulty is increased which is EVIL#& night 6 is even harder i have seen 3 people beat night 6 it is absurd#i sat in a call with another PS2 fan who clearly played thr game s lot & loved it but they could not beat the night normally#& this night has fucking optional difficulty modifiers when you finish that make it harder it is hell on earth#there is no checkpoints it is bad it is so bad I haven't beaten it i talk abt this game every day i play all the nights#i do not fucking play this night bc the way the tutorial works is unreal & unhelpful it wants you to remember#all this shit but it removes the 'walk around & click things before the night starts to see how they work/where they are'#& then it changes every 2 hours to something new so you won 12-2 but you hit 2 & forgot this one person's mechanic#but the only way to read the tutorial again is to close the game bc it automatically puts you back into the night#& will not take you to the home screen to view the booklet for night 6 it's insane#so yeah. there is difficulty. but the difficulty curve being this inconsistent is worse tbh#i get night 6 is meant to be like a 'everyone is here!' bossfight but it's overwhelming & there is too damn much
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#ctxt#charlie vs mail#ooooohhhhhh my god just let me fucking work alreadyyyyyy#Job Got but now they're like...#well since you had a medical issue within the last 5 years we need a doctor's note confirming you're recovered enough to work#and if we don't get it by X date we'll assume you're no longer interested in the position & nuke you from orbit#like i do get it they're feds & bureaucracy reigns supreme.#& having disability documented will make it easier to get accommodations down the line if needed#but god it's frustrating that i've spent the last 2+ years LITERALLY BEGGING PLEADING W/ EMPLOYERS & DOCTORS TO BELIEVE THAT I'M DISABLED#had to see 4 doctors & go through 3 bosses before i found a provider willing to help me & get work accommodations#and now that i'm finally mostly healed from surgical complications & back to being more or less able-bodied...#NOW they wanna put me under a microscope & be like 'are you suuuuuuure you can really do this job?? PROVE IT.'#bitch i wouldn't have applied in the first place if i wasn't confident that i'm far enough along in recovery to do the damn thing#two extremes on the spectrum i guess#from 'pissing on the clock during an 8.5 hr shift? unnecessary. stop faking or we'll fucking fire you'#to 'sure ur surgery was over 2 years ago & ur almost ready to graduate PT & ur symptoms are effectively managed.... BUT ARE THEY?????'#like i guess i'm grateful that they seem to take health issues seriously. & i do want my dr's honest opinion if i can handle a physical job#at the same time this is the most obnoxiously arduous onboarding process i've ever endured & i wanna bite someone
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Artist’s rendition of me finishing Castti Chapter 3
#Like I just kinda took off my glasses and sat there with my head in my hands for about a minute#I’m a tragedy enjoyer but damn I think the tonal shift got me I was not expecting that to get so DARK#Like where do I go from here how can I just keep playing the game like ‘lalala nothing happened’ after that#Hence why I put the game down and drew this. Anyway lalala were fine nothing happened#face reveal
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Today started nice and cozy, but wow it has ended in total suckage.
I had a slow cozy day hanging out with the greyhound Apollo that I was dog sitting, and doing a few things around the house. Then I went to the comics club meeting and that was fun and relaxing.
As I was just getting ready to head out, my dad text me, asking me to call him. He was doing his normal gruff check in, "you alive?" "I called you, so yeah." He gave me some advice for my furnace now that the weather is getting to get cold. That was fine and cool.
Then he was like, "Oh, and one more thing. You're gonna vote Republican/conservative in November"
My stomach dropped and I just said, "I am not having this conversation."
"We don't have to have a discussion, but you'll vote Republican, right?"
"Okay, fine, we'll have this discussion. You know I won't. The Republicans want people like me and so many of my friends gone. I would like to have a livable planet for the future. And the Republicans aren't going to do that "
"oh, you know that isn't true"
By this point I have started crying cuz I have been scared about the election, and crying is my stress response.
Dad goes and tries to tell me to not cry, to have a thicker skin, that it was a joke.
"It's a joke until it's not! You've heard the things Trump and the Republicans have been saying. You've got to have heard what they are saying in project 2025,"
"oh that's not Trump"
"it's the people that follow him! And if the Republicans get into power, who knows what will happen"
I am not 100% sure what I said to end the call but it was something like "this is why I didn't want to have this conversation, it always goes this way." And Dad saying something about how yeah we won't have the discussion, but that the family loves me and will always take care of me.
I hung up and threw the phone down and cry screamed for a bit.
Then I started driving, blasting music and yelling lyrics and half formed sentences of frustration.
I headed towards the rainbow house cuz I knew they'd let me vent and give me a hug which is what I needed.
I also got Culver's and absolutely just rage ate that burger, fries and custard. This is not a great coping mechanism, I need to figure out how to not eat my feelings. It is something I am working on.
I was feeling better after petting the critters at the rainbow house and getting some validation on my feelings, a hug, and just letting me ramble vent.
Then Dad text me again saying he hoped I wasn't upset with him.
My automatic response was to be like, "no it's fine", but I did not send that text. I sent a much longer text explaining that it sucks that he pushed when I said I wasn't going to discuss politics, it sucks that I am not allowed to bring up politics cuz it upsets people, but that he and everyone else can "joke' about it. About how he did raise me to care about people and the environment and society, but apparently now that concern I have changed shape from what he expected it to be when I was younger, it was suddenly not okay. I said that yeah, I am upset, but I am going to process my feelings and be okay. But it still sucks.
I followed it up with that I did love him, but I also know we're too damn alike in our reactions so he better not beat himself up about this, just think on things. Cuz I was already feeling bad that I had said all that, but I wanted to be honest instead of skinning over a wound and letting it fester.
THEN.
I got into the house, and every goddamn light on the main floor was on, there were dirty dishes in the sink, stuff all over the dining room table. And the roommate in her room, door closed, lights off, apparently asleep.
I have had several conversations about how dirty dishes in the sink are one of my biggest pet peeves, especially when the dishwasher is like two steps from the sink. Just put them in there. I have said to make sure the lights are turned off when you're not in the room, and especially when you go to sleep for the night, cuz there is no point to having them on.
So I am just extra pissed off now.
I have been going between crying and just being mad for a while, though Jax coming to sit on my torso and purr for a bit did help.
Dad just text me back and said, "sleep well my child" and I said "you too"
So hopefully he does think on what I said and doesn't beat himself up, cuz I am trying not to beat myself up for actually saying something instead of trying to be nice.
#ignore me#family is so damn complicated#and again I am asking why is it so hard to put your damn dishes in the dishwasher???#dirty dishes in the sink will encourage the cats to go up and lix#*lick crumbs - Polo is a fiend for that and he doesn't need more chances for human food#also it's just gross and I like to attempt to keep things neat#also I said from day one I just wanted you to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher I also don't care about the other house hold chores#just do THAT ONE THING#okay sorry I am hitting a rage wave again#I need to find a sleep meditation to help get me calmed and asleep#cuz ofc I have the early shift tomorrow
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I also made a card for him (Patreon)
#My art#SCII#Damned#DAX#Don't look at me lol#I considered making one from my bad batch of printouts but nah I have other uses for them still :P#Besides I get to use full colour here! And he deserves it ♥#DAX's cute expressions through Dex's cute face <3#A lot of the details initially started as guesswork but I feel a teensy bit more confident in them now that I've done some looking around ♪#Heights are still undefined tho lol! Max is 5'9'' and Dexter looks to be at least a good few inches taller than he is so#It's pointed at that Dex is ~6 years older than Max - I put him at 8 years older but I'm happy to move their ages closer in my mind <3#More than that I'm happy to have been so close! :D#It's most likely that he's actually 30 by this point but if Max took a two year rather than a four year college course fjdslafd#My thoughts around DAX's age have shifted a little as well bringing in the consideration that VUX have longer lifespans than humans :0#What does 10 years age difference look like when that's proportionally less for VUX than humans!#Speculation for another time lol#I probably could've added more names in his ''Knows'' section but I stuck with the ones I've seen drawings of haha#He probably wouldn't know DOX...#If I'd thought about it for a moment I would've drawn his eyes reverse-open-closed - I like the idea of him and ZEX mirroring each other <3#Well they can both switch hehe#No matter how many of these I make it's so fun to fill out the Personality section hehe - single-word descriptors are very fun!#Seeing how many simple words I can think of to describe someone hehe <3 With minimal overlap and considering connotation! It's fun!!#I love DAX <3 And I love Dex haha it's the same with Max/ZEX! I love them all ♪♫
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I gravitate towards jobs and such in which I make decisions, and prefer to live alone which comes with many decisions, and then do creative hobbies that require me to make so many decisions, and I thought "Huh, decisions are hard, what would a nice day without decisions look like?" And then I realized I just meticulously planned out a whole day of no decisions by just making the decisions beforehand.
#im so tired of decisions#rn im pretty new at my job so not too many decisions but still aome stuff i have to do independently#but my last job was so many decisions. i coordinated so much and if i did it wrong evryone hated me#and before that i was a shift lead#and for the last four years at summer camp ive been an area director#and this year i applied for an office position which is even hugher than area director#and im trying to move out of my parents house which comes with so many decisions#why do i keep doing this to myself#i like leadership and independence too fucking much and then im burnt out on it#and i would love just one day in which i didnt have to make any decisions#unfortunately i know myself and i know that someone else would not make the right decisions#so i want to make the decisions beforehand#and then someone else just executes the decisions for me. if that makes sense#like i want to tell someone 'tomorrow we will wake up at 9am and go get coffee. i want aan iced mocha#after that we'll go to target and get a quick lunch at qdoba. one hour after lunch i would like an iced caramel coffee#i would like to drink this coffee while we go on a walk along the lake#then id like to go home and knit for two hours. you may do something in the same space but it has to be quiet and non-distracting#then we will have such a late dinner. pizza unless you are willing to cook one of the three things i am always okay with#then i will peruse my phone until midnight. then i will sleep#i want to lay that all out for someone snd then they facilitate it#like they just know 'okay its 9am get up we're going for coffee.' 'alright its midnight put down your phone for sleeps'#all damn day they just do the decisions for me. even though i already made them so i know they were made right#idk if that makes sense. im just so tired#i was laying in bed before sleeping and decided to plan my perfect day of no decisions#and realized that it was not decision-free because i had just made every decision#did i mention how tired i am
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I just desperately miss being able to be silly at work y'all my boss has been so staunch about no downtime ever and it's really cramping my style 😭😭😭
#speculation nation#im putting in my 2 weeks soon anyways so this wont matter before too long#but just thinking about how he constantly complains about us sitting and chatting when theres nothing to do#like BROOOOO im doing my job im finishing my tasks just sometimes there's nothing to do!!!#or maybe im tired and wanna sit a bit did u think of that???#i cant even rly take breaks bc of the structure of how he has shifts happen#bc hes a stingy ass who cant spring for more than one or two people on shift Most of the time#how am i supposed to take breaks when im alone on shift or working with a trainee????? bitch#thinking many uncharitable things about him. let me fuckin chill sometimes god Damn
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not to talk disjointedly about IRL friend drama on tumblr but a very minute and incredibly selfish (thus why i can't voice it out loud) thing i'm experiencing is because of the whole nature of this conflict one of my close friends basically can't be in her dorm room very much because it's a hostile environment which i cannot emphasize enough sucks so badly for her and that is the central core issue that all of us basically have in this situation. weve talked about it extensively. but the byproduct of that is that this + the fact that they're dating one of my best friends means that after a certain hour (which is just like... any time after 7 i would say) it becomes borderline impossible to just hang out with my best friend on our own because even if we make plans to do something, we'll inevitably get dinner with our friend group and then there's like... like obviously no night ends with just us as a Duo it ends with them hanging out so inevitably i overstay my welcome. and like i get that's because my friend doesn't have many other places to go but this is like the third time i've wanted to take a walk with my best friend, something we did constantly last semester even after they were dating, and i have been canceled on. which again i get because obviously i don't have hard feelings towards them given the situation it just is a bit upsetting because like... i love my friend group but i want to be able to see literally anybody one on one without feeling like a proxy in a social group (especially since i don't talk very much when we're in a whole group setting due to like psychological recent issues and also being on the quieter end generally). yeah
#it makes me feel like my best friend and i are only close because of like. the internal fact that we are#and not because we actually hang out because we never really hang out one on one#i'm sure this will shift over time but i do like. genuinely miss it just being the two of us against the world sometime#but obviously i get that relationships are relationships and also all this stress is putting everything on edge so i understand#just like. i dunno. i don't really feel like i matter much i guess#to really anybody? which i know is untrue and like i viscerally feel this as being untrue it just is like. we're approaching that point#especially since everyone is dating it's like damn. okay let's cut off the shitty members of our friend group now uh.#do i. get to see anybody in MY friend group though or
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rambling in the tags incoming
#vent#poks office chair#starting this off w . under no circumstances do i wanna be guilt tripping anybody#ur allowed to not gaf about what i post and draw. what am i a cop#but like. holy SHITTT putting my value and worth into note counts and engagement is gonna kill me#dude my last art post getting NOTHING besides one mutual (hi you know who you are <3 heart emoji tysm ily)#idk what to do i feel like not caring would be freeing but thats easier said than done#saying im like. shadowbanned or whatever feels STUPID#bc. i most definitely am not#but like. idk.#i dont know that my art has ever flopped THAT hard idk if im just new to the fandom but#genuinely makes me want to like. become a hermit#like it feels stupid to be so upset. .#its not even abt reblogs to likes or whatever idc.#kinda terrified that when i shifted my style... my art.. got worse. and improvement isnt linear or anything.#but damn does it sting
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Oh god. Oh fuck. The Gunk
#i need to shift gears like. dear fucking god. my therapist is out for two weeks and my sisters go overseas#and i just. have an extremely entire ass out episode on tumblr dot com about it. but bc i have NO object permance#the thoughts are gone as soon as they came as soon as i released them. the feelings may linger but i forgor.#so i'm sifting through my blog to try and figure out okay what the FUCK am i gonna talk about (today she's back)#dear god. what is happening in there.#and yesterday might as well have no more decency so yesterday my nana and auntie stopped by to drop something off#and it's just. always. always. such a stark reminder for me. the way they love me overwhelmingly almost suffocatingly#while somehow just blatantly Ignoring all that i am. they way i instantly retreat into myself and put on my Most Masc Voice Possible#as a desperate attempt to Remind them. i talk just like my brother does see? that same twang to the voice the same candence. see?#bro on god i'm gonna throw the fuck up.#i gotta gather myself and my things. but. but.#it's no fucking wonder like... damn bitch you live like this. dude i'm barely present in my own fucking life.#there's no place for me.
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