#got my brain MRI today

[beesinspades]

///

[shezamaverick]

Y’all would NOT believe the weekend I have had 😅😅😅

[luciensbabbles]

Oh my god so I'm doing my NDIS application again since the first time it just fucking vanished into the ether and. It turns out my psychiatrist doesn't keep copies of the NDIS application form she fills out. So the only one in existence is my hard copy. And I don't even know if I have all the pages because I put it somewhere safe and I don't fucking remember where that is! I don't even know if I put it somewhere safe and didn't just leave it on my desk or floor after fighting the printer for like an hour to scan it all!!!!!

And the worst part is the NDIS person wanted this *today* and I don't have it!!!! It's friday here!!¡! I'm domed!!!! Can't keep things going until Monday now!!! I'm so upset and stressed !!!!

[newsies-lodging-house]

Big news.

I never planned to be open about this here, but I just got the biggest news of my life and I just need to share.

I was diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer when I was eleven years old. I started rapidly going blind and was in chemotherapy until I turned 13. They stopped treating me after my right eye completely lost vision because they couldn't do anything else for me. When I finally got out of chemotherapy I had to get MRI's every 3 months for four years an until they switched to annually. I was told that it could and likely would come back and that it may become terminal.

Today I met with my specialists and they told me I was officially in remission. I don't have any more appointments, no MRI's, no more blood work, no more tests, and no more surgeries. I lost almost eight years of my life to cancer and now I'm finally getting to take them back. I'm officially a survivor. At 18 years old.

I officially beat cancer.

To the two of my exes who told me they hoped my cancer came back and wished death on me? Fuck you. Fuck you for everything. I beat cancers ass and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't take that away from me.

[oneshotnewbie]

soooooo HIIIII !!!! tis i again back from another tumblr hiatus bc college work womp womp!

hear me out,,

amelia shepherd x fem!reader

where they are both surgeons and one of the interns flirts with reader and amelia gets jealous when she sees and walks up behind reader wrapping her arms around reader as she questions the intern on why they thought it be appropriate to flirt with a head of department and amelia establishes that reader is hers, fluff!! ☺️ ☺️ 💗💗

(sorry for the ramble, i’ve had this thought on my brain for a WHILE)

from yours truly,

- ❤️‍🩹 anon !

Authors note: My beloved ❤️‍🩹 anon!! I'm so sorry that I'm only posting this now, but life is really hectic at the moment and I'm totally behind!! I hope you read this anyway if you're still following me <3

ᕚ---ᕘ

Amelia Shepherd hurried through the busy hallways of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, her thoughts revolving around the surgery that should start soon and the endless list of patient files she still had to sift through. As one of the hospital's most renowned neurosurgeons, her schedule was always full, but today it seemed particularly overflowing.

In the distance she saw you, her partner and colleague, engaging in a conversation with one of the young interns. A slight smile graced Amelia's lip as she watched you patiently listen to the intern's questions and share your experiences as a renowned surgeon. She not only admired your medical expertise, but also your ability and competence to pass on your knowledge to the next generation.

However, as Amelia got closer, she noticed another intern approaching with a mischievous grin as the gaps in the other intern's knowledge were filled. "Hey, Dr. l/n, I was wondering if you would mind going out for a drink after your shift?" the male intern asked with a hint of confidence in her voice.

You, who accepted the question with a friendly smile, answered politely but slightly dismissively. "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm afraid I already have other commitments tonight."

However, the trainee wasn't easily brushed off and continued, with a hint of persistence as he edged further towards you at the counter where you stood to write a few remaining notes in your newest patient´s file. "Come on, it'll be fun. I could show you some great bars nearby and maybe you could pass on some knowledge to me afterwards."

Amelia felt a slight tension building up inside her as she listened to the dialogue between you and the young medical student. Even though she knew it was unreasonable to be jealous, she couldn't deny that her heart was beating faster and her mind was racing.

You continued to respond politely, but you felt slightly harassed. It was as if the newbie didn't understand that you had no interest in him. "I really appreciate your offer, but I already have plans. And I think I'm out of your league."

The trainee still didn't seem to want to fully accept the rejection, but before he could elaborate further, Amelia intervened and stepped next to you. She noticed your tension and the slight look around for help. "Hey, y/n, I received the results of the latest MRI scans. We should look at them together before we start the surgery."

You nodded gratefully at her with a smile of relief and turned to the young man in front of you. "Excuse me, but I really have to go now. You should get on with your work rather than standing here."

The intern mumbled a vague and quiet agreement before finally turning away as you and Amelia walked towards the operating room. Although the brunette remained calm on the outside, she felt an uncomfortable feeling spreading inside her.

Amelia entered the hospital break room, a place of momentary calm amidst the hectic hustle and bustle of everyday hospital life and the last successful operation. Her eyes searched for you, her partner and colleague, who found her standing at one of the coffee machines with a serious expression on her face. A slight tension ran through her body as she noticed that the same young intern who had flirted with you before was standing near you again and seemed to be talking animatedly to you.

The neurosurgeon approached slowly, her eyes on you and the young medical student as she tried to keep the rising jealousy at bay. But as she got closer, she could not only see the Intern's relaxed posture and teasing look, but also the words he spoke and the rejection you showed him.

"So Dr. l/n, I just wanted to say that I really admired your approach in the last surgery. You have such a calm and competent way of dealing with the most difficult situations. It would be an honor for me to have someone like you to learn."

Amelia felt her heart heavy as she heard the intern's words of praise. A mixture of pride and jealousy permeated her thoughts as she watched you nod and thank him briefly, wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Jealousy flared up inside her as she watched the Intern continue to hold on to you, and she couldn't help but feel the need to make her presence known. With a determined step she came behind you and her arms wrapped around your middle. Her head rested on your shoulder from behind and a loving look etched on her face, although her darkened pupils gave a hint that she was driven by jealousy before she looked at the young medical student with a cool look.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you," the brunette began in a quiet voice, but there was a distinct edge to her words, "but I'm wondering why you think it's appropriate to flirt with the chief of cardiology while she obviously is in a relationship."

The intern looked surprised to hear Amelia's words and cleared his throat nervously. His hand slid up and down his head as he touched his lips, embarrassed. "Um, I.. I just wanted to express my admiration for Dr. l/n. It wasn't my intention to cross any boundaries."

The neurosurgeon didn't let up and fixed the intern with a penetrating look. "Well, it's important that you know what those boundaries are. Flirting in the workplace can be inappropriate, especially when it crosses the boundaries of professional relationships. This morning was enough, and now you're trying again?"

You felt the tension in the air and in your girlfriend's body. You quickly pulled a hand out of your gown and turned it back to touch Amelia's thigh, calming her. "Thanks for the compliment, but I think it's important to maintain clear boundaries. I'm your boss. I think we should maintain a professional work environment."

The young man nodded sheepishly and quickly retreated, leaving Amelia and you alone in the room, surrounded by an atmosphere of jealousy that radiated from her.

When your eyes met, Amelia felt the simmering passion blazing between you. With a demanding look, Amelia lured you into a nearby chamber and pulled you into a hug. Her lips found yours in a hungry kiss that ignited her longing and desire.

You returned the kiss with equal desire, your hands roaming over the brunette's body as you pulled her closer to you. You felt the fire of your passion burning your skin and you longed for more. With a hand on your throat and a passionate glint in her eyes, she whispered in a seductive voice. "You're mine, y/n. Only mine."

You moaned in need as you felt the dominance in Amelia's voice, and you couldn't help but give yourself completely to her. Your hands found their way to her back as you kissed her passionately, as if you were confirming her words in every moment of touch.

The neurosurgeon felt the heat of her desire as she let herself fall further into the vortex of passion, without fear of loss or getting caught. Her hands greedily explored your body, each touch a promise of pleasure and devotion.

She pushed you against the nearest wall, her breathing hot and heavy as she cuddled close to you, one of her hands slightly squeezing your throat. She whispered with a sensual smile. "You are mine, y/n. All of you and no one else's."

You gasped as you felt the obsession in Amelia's touch, and you couldn't help yourself from completely succumbing to it. Your fingers dug into her skin as you desperately pulled her even closer, as if you never wanted to let her go again.

Your bodies joined together in a passionate dance, the flames of your desire consuming you in an intoxicating rush of pleasure. You were one in your passion, inextricably linked by the bond of your love and obsession for each other.

When you finally sank into a sea, you could feel that you were forever connected through the heat of your love. United in the flames, you didn't even notice the two beepers going off almost in sync, separating you from the heated moment between you.

[ozwriterchick]

Back to Us - Chapter 2

Summary: Y'/n wakes after an accident to her Avengers team-mates. But something isn't quite right and only Steve and Tony can see it.

Characters/Relationships: Steve Rogers x Reader; Tony Stark; Natasha Romanoff; Other Avengers Characters

Content warnings: Mentions of an accident (no details yet); If I missed any, let me know

Back to Us Masterlist

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Word count: 1142 (approx.)

Tony & Steve stood close together outside the hospital room in silence for a few minutes.

“So, that was strange, right Tony?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, I noticed somethings she said earlier too.  I think she’s got some kind of amnesia.  Let’s let the Doc do his tests and I’ll come back later this afternoon and talk to him to see what is going on.”

Back in the hospital room, the Doctor pulls a chair up and sits beside your bedside.  “Ok, let’s talk some more.  You’ve been in a coma for 10 days.  We’re going to send you off for an MRI, draw some blood and check the basics first and just make sure everything’s working the way it should. How does that sound?”

Y/n smiles at him tiredly “I’m getting really tired but I’ll try and stay awake for all the tests”

“Well, the MRI you’ll need to stay awake for cause there’ll be certain breathing exercises you’ll need to do during it, but that will all be told to you when you get to the imaging department.  And apart from that, we can always work around your naps, because you definitely need to rest as well.”

Later that day, you are back in your room after the first lot of tests have been completed.  Napping on and off while waiting for the next test and the results of the ones they have already completed.

The doctor comes into the room again with the computer that shows him the test results.  “Well, all of it looks good Y/n.  I can’t see anything concerning on the MRI and the blood tests have come back fine as well, so it looks like no permanent damage.”

“Well, that’s great news Doc” you said.

“Let’s do some memory test questions, okay?” As the Doctor asks this, Tony walks back into the room.

“Sorry doc, I just couldn’t stay away, but it looks like I got here just in time for the good stuff.  Hey Y/n, how are you feeling this afternoon?” he asked.

“Really tired tony.  But Doc has just said that the MRI and other tests have come back fine.  And hopefully if these memory questions go well, I can go home?” you look at the Doctor hopefully.

“Okay, first question – what is today’s date and do you know where you are?” the Doctor begins.

“Today is May 15th and I’m at Stark County Hospital” you proudly answer.

“Great, what is your full name, date of birth and parents names?” the doctor continues.

You smile because these are all easy questions in your opinion. “Easy.  My name is Y/fn Y/ln, Date of birth 22 June, my parents are Y/mn & Y/dn Y/ln”

“Alright, here comes the big one.  What is the last thing you remember before waking up here?”

“Well, I think I remember an impact, but I’m not sure if that’s a trick of my brain because I’ve been told there was an accident.  I do remember Steve, I mean Captain Rogers, Bucky, Nat and I were heading to a Hydra facility in Romania cause we had intel that there were some hostages being held there.”

“We split up, Nat and Cap went to the West and Bucky and I went to the East to make sure there weren’t any goons over and above the ones we anticipated would be guarding the facility.  Bucky and I dealt with the ones on our side and entered the building, clearing floors as we went.”

“We met Nat & Cap in the centre of the main floor, agreed they’d go up to the higher floors and Bucky and I would go down to the lower floors as we thought that’s likely where they’d hold the hostages.  The last thing I remember is being on maybe the 3rd floor down and entering a room with at least 6 people chained up to the walls, in cells.  Bucky started ripping the cell doors off their hinges so we could get into them, then there was a beeping and that’s about it. “

“Like I said, I think there was an explosion, but I’m not really sure if that’s just cause, you know..” you finished.

“Ok, get some more rest and I’ll be back later to see how you are.” The Doctor told you.  You nodded at him and Tony and closed your eyes.

“I’ll be right back Y/n” Tony smiles at you and you smile back, drifting into sleep.

Tony quickly caught up to the Doctor.  “Hey doc, so, what’s the latest?  That was particularly concerning to me?”

“She seems fine, there’s nothing wrong with any of her results.  What’s concerning you Tony?” he enquired.

“Well, that Hydra incident she says is the last thing she remembers, that was 4 years ago.  I was a bit worried today cause she didn’t seem to remember a few things, but this is the icing on the cake.” Tony conveyed his concern to your doctor.

“Hmmmm, well, I guess we’ll run some more tests and I’ll keep you posted.” The Doctor told Tony, also showing some concern now that he knew this further information.

Over the next couple of days, the doctor and his team ran further tests, but couldn’t work out why you were missing the memories, except for the bump on your head.

Tony and the doctor decided it was time to tell you so they sat down with you on the day you were to be discharged.

“So Y/n” the doctor began “We’ve run a whole heap of tests and everything looks great, however there is one thing we need to let you know.”

“Oh. “you were concerned that there was something that looked ok but wasn’t. “Alright, lay it on me.”

Tony took over “The other day when you first woke up you said a few things that concerned Steve and I.  Then when the doctor was doing the memory test questions, you mentioned the Hydra mission in Romania as the last thing you remembered.”

“Right, that was my last conscious memory that I can recall.” You said.

“Yeah, well the thing is…” Tony started “that mission was not the last mission you went on.”

“Oh, so there’s another mission in the middle that I don’t remember?  How much time am I missing” you can’t think of how long ago it was but surely it was only a few days or a week or two.

“You know what, let’s just leave it at a gap in your memories for now?” Tony asked.

“And we shouldn’t force anything, the more you force this kind of thing, the more the brain can subconsciously rebel against remembering.  We need the memories to come back naturally to give you the best chance of having full recollection of whatever is missing.”

You sat back and wondered just how much you were missing.

Tag List: @wolfbeanpotion @vioplay19 @jason-todd-fangirl-14 @crazyunsexycool @zaraomarrogers @bitchy-bi-trash

[crustyfloor]

What is this horror that I just woke up to

Firstly, Luka's tattoo has finally been revealed (too bad it's not where I theorized it was...) Unlike the others, one detail is stark this time, that being that he was awake during the entire process. He's not even lying down when it would probably be less (by a pinch) painful, and more efficient if he did. He's watching. Even helping by keeping his shirt up.

And it seems he is still maintaining his heart rate even through the pain.

(And, expectedly he is thin so this would've hurt a lot more. I wouldn't be surprised if keeping him awake was to benefit his ability of endurance)

And we have his mugshot too. there are a lot of scribbles on his page so I tried to decipher the two clearest ones to me

LUKA - 010401 (His ID number)

And alongside that, we finally have the full cast tattoo process. (save my Till loving heart what are they doing to him.) HyunA and the girls on the top and Luka and the boys on the bottom.

On the topic that the Aliens in ALNST are horrible and can't be bothered to even put the pet humans to sleep while going through such a painful process, it doesn't look like Ivan is spared either and was also awake. otherwise, I don't know how he maintained that grip.

There's no telling for sure yet but his grip looks loose, perhaps he has a good pain tolerance.

And Till's picture. I think that's a full-body restraint right there (Like a straight jacket) If he was awake the whole time too then that's probably to be expected. There also seem to be wires around his face? a mouth gag? I can tell his is just...gonna be horrible to look at. (I am going to cause a scene. bashes my head against the concrete ARGH)

And we have everyone's mugshots, Sua -> Mizi-> Till -> Ivan -> Luka -> HyunA

(These were especially hard to read 💀 but they all seem to have their own signatures on their own pictures )

Sua (x2) - 1132 (in the circled area) - 020201 (That's close to her ID number- 020211.) - The rest is indescribable except for the "No"(?)

Another interesting part of this, we're shown Till's part of the Season 50 data book. A lot of the text is scribbled out.

Lyrics to unknown Till the end (And something scribbled out on the top) it looks like a draft copy. I can't tell if much changed from the version we have today..just got to see when the full version is out.

I tried to decipher as much as I could, take this with a grain of salt but his profile (left) is more of a teacher's note, one of his flaws being that he's aggressive, and he has a strong suit in performance. (Heavy emphasis on practicing music because his performance is his strong suit)

The C might be his overall grade, his only passing class was music.

(So many star scribbles..Mizi liked stars)

-

The album cover looks like a Brain (it reminds me of an MRI scan kinda) Is it Till's brain after all the experiments he's been through? if so, I'm not surprised it seemingly has a lot of abnormalities.

Also, the prominent signature in the middle looks a little bit Like Ivan's.

And finally the main piece, Given the similarities in data the person going through the test is still Sua.

The bandaging on her head is very confusing though, (is this the process of creating Anakt's child?) She also looks like she's yelling more than singing in this piece. (with the tight restraints it's hard to even tell but she doesn't look as relaxed as the second picture.)

Mental - Good (despite the red light?)

Cry (singing. maybe.) - Good

This could be in the literal sense that Sua was actually crying during this test, or this phase of the test. But Aliens have a warped perception of human sounds. They call crying, singing so...I don't know. If there was a lot of resistance from Sua during the earlier phases then the bandage is probably there as another restraint..so many restraints.

[k0dster]

OK question, who is everyone personal favorite, well written, mentally ill character?

Bc to this day nobody has topped Lucas Baker for me. I was kind of thinking about this Re7 au I had with an old friend today and started thinking about him again. Capcom has always done such a wonderful job with writing their characters, but something about Lucas makes me think about him every once in awhile.

It's hard to explain in words but the way he was written is just so scary. Not because he's got a bunch of molded henchmen and that creepy barn, but because he's so unpredictable and yet so smart and tactical. The kids a genius and shows it all throughout the game and his DLC, but he's also probably got some form of severe schizophrenia that has clearly gone untreated for near his whole life. He's incredibly smart and resourceful though - as in most cases - is limited by his mental illness.

The whole thing was a clear episode and I almost wanna pressume it happened before the doctors visit. Though that isn't really the point, I think alot of his issues stem from Jack. Not because he's ill too, but because he doesn't take it seriously. I live in the south myself and the stigma around men and their mental health here is so awful I don't even wanna start to imagine what it would do to a kid with schizophrenia who's dad choses to ignore it. I personally think Lucas would have grown up to be alot better of a person, hell, he might not have been in the house he was so well off if Jack had taken the time to acknowledge him. From just the look of the house and the way he acts in the daughter's (?? Sorry i seriously haven't played this game in almost a year) DLC really gives me that 'man of the house' 'men don't have feelings' kinda feel. I can only assume, the only other people in their home being women, that Jack really tried to drill that mentality into Lucas and completely glanced over Marguerites worries about him.

I almost feel bad for him. He's smart, talented, "gifted" if you must, though clearly limited by who I'm guessing to be Jack. There's a whole little story in game that really stuck out to me, when you're in Lucas's old room looking through his old journal entries he writes about Marguerite taking him for what I assumed was probably an MRI or maybe a CT scan of his head showing she clearly thought something was wrong with him. In an entry pretty close to that one he talks about his friend, Oliver, who keeps messing with him so he locks him in the attic. He talks about how he could hear him banging and screaming for help for about a day before he stopped and was eventually presumed dead to Lucas after he started to be able to smell his corpse. (I actually feel as crazy as him rn I can't find it but ik somewhere there's a document talking about how bad the smell was to him. I almost wanna say he talked about something dripping from the attic too on the same page but idk maybe i made that up)

EDIT: after 18 million years I found it so I was in fact not just loosing my mind

"Untreated schizophrenia can cause severe problems that affect many areas of life. It can disrupt how the brain works, interfering with thoughts, memory, senses, and behaviors. This can lead to difficulties in daily life, such as trouble organizing thoughts and behaving in ways that increase the risk of injury or illness." Which would explain Lucas's entire character during the game- minus the mold.

Ik this isnt my usual posting and an absolute yap fest but I seriously needed to talk about him again. He's so well written it makes me wanna foam at the mouth.

[angryschnauzer]

When i posted a week ago that this year has been utter clownshoes with all the shit that has been thrown at me, i had really hoped that as October drew to a close i could just calmly, quietly freewheel downhill to the end of 2023. But thats not the case, things are just getting worse.

We travelled 200 miles to stay with my elderly MIL for the weekend and to visit FIL who is in an old folks home as he has severe dementia. All going well until Saturday night my husband has a series of seizures. He gets taken to hospital and over the course of 24 hours he has numerous tests including a CT scan which shows a small leison on his brain. He is declared ok to be discharged but with emphasis being put on 'getting home the next day so our usual GP/Doctor can handle any further tests.

That all goes up in smoke when we've been at MIL's place an hour and he has another seizure. He goes back to hospital in an ambulance.

MRI and full body scan today shows he's got a brain tumor. He's going to be operated on within the week, locally here in Wales rather than back in London where we live.

Between now and then i've got to get back to London, get mine and my sons medications as we only brought enough for the originally planned 'long weekend', find legal paperwork for hubs work where it says what the company will pay, and find his Will. Oh and i've got to go on the train as we brought hubs car here (its smaller and would be very difficult to climb in and out of for him post operation) and then drive the 200 miles back in my car which is bigger as i use it for work etc.

My businesses is now effectively shut down for the rest of the year. But that right now i dont care about. I just need my husband to get through this operation.

2023 needs to be over now. I've had enough.

[nibsthefitmermaid]

STORY TIME!

I fell off a pull-up bar February 2023 and landed on my wrist. It was immediately painful, to the point that I was concerned that I had broken it. Fast forward, I get an MRI, a handful of x-rays, and no one can figure out what is wrong except that I might have a cyst. Finally I get referred to an orthopedic hand surgeon who does some more x-rays and has an AHA moment.

Don’t ask me what he diagnosed. I remember him saying something about the tri-something in my joint. He says we can try a cortisone shit and see if that helps, but then probably looking at surgery. Somewhere around August, the cortisone shot was done, I wasn’t in pain anymore, and got cleared to work out again.

Fast forward again to somewhere around February or March 2024. The pain is back with a vengeance. Go back to doctors, get temporary fixes, etc. They say there might be a cyst, there might be a bone fragment. Another MRI and some ultrasounds don’t help figure out. But in the meantime, I work on strengthening my wrist and pushing through painful ranges of motion.

Here we are, in December 2024. I still don’t have a happy ending for this story. I have a CT scheduled for tomorrow and yet another follow up with an ortho next week. Maybe one day I’ll have an answer. But today I’m happy because, despite it being painful, today I did a 70lb OHS and felt like I could probably do more.

As I said to my friend, “my heart says lift but my brain says probably not.” So I called it on a good lift and left more in the tank. Man, I can’t wait to be able to really lift again.

[kickthecan-revolution]

I am so exhausted and emotional today. I had to drag myself to the surgeon's office to learn about the next steps, and I could barely process the information. I ended up in a Lyft talking to my sister, crying. This fatigue is unlike anything I have ever experienced and all of the sudden I got so scared again. I know it's just the second to last treatment, I know it's going to get better but today is today and all I have to do is just get through it. It's hard to picture a future today, there are so many steps - I have to get another biopsy during an MRI for something weird that they can take out during surgery if it is cancer (a non-invasive kind). I got scared it's in the lymph. nodes - I have to meet with a plastic surgeon next week. I know I am just really tired and my brain isn't working well. This is what I was warned about. Still though, it's super hot and there is a helicopter that won't stop flying around and I want to shoot it down. I hate everything.

[gavlin]

i got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks yesterday and started taking meds today. i know i got real sht with my mental health since high school. you'll know with my posts here when i was 15-19 years old (got pinned tags btw). but i kinda got over it, idk if things got better or i just got used to it, or i built up tolerance, i became numb or something. i know my mental health is not that good but i somehow powered through it, whatever i just winged it and keep winging it.

but dang this past month, i've been coming back and forth to hospital, doctor consultations and lot of tests and they can't see sht. they've been telling me it could be anxiety or stress. i somehow had a feeling that it is but there's this part of me wanting it to be just something in blood or vitamin deficiency so i will just take meds for 2 weeks max and i'll be okay. reasons for all that is i've been lightheaded for over a month now twenty four fucking seven. consistent as fuck, never left me. you know that feeling that you have a hangover? that. without the dizziness or spinning part but you're feeling something with you brain or head. then 2 weeks after i started feeling lightheaded or that hangover feeling, i started having real bad palpitations. there were days where i felt my heart palpitate for the whole day. then there's a week that i had a sudden rash on my chest, and it is spreading real bad. then there are times my hands are shaking, my toes are twitching, i am having mild cough for over a month now that doesn't go away even i took antibiotics. i became hyperaware with everything, really anxious. all of that stresses me more that it became a paradox/cycle of stress and anxiety. i'm feeling nervous because i am palpitating and i am palpitating because i am feeling nervous. i can't sleep because i am stressed, and i am stressed because i cannot sleep. i don't have a decent sleep for a month now. if i'm lucky and had 6 hours of sleep, i would still feel tired after waking up. and i am someone who always sleep for 7-8 hours because i really value my sleep. and you know what every time i wake up? the moment i wake up, literally 1 second, my heart is palpitating already like i'm on a fight and flight mode so i can't go back to sleep.

so i went to internal med/cardio. got full blood workup, different lab test including thyroid, xray, ecg, i even run for a stress test (u will run in a treadmill iydk), doctor even requested for brain mri but didn't push through because i have braces and everything is fine - didn't see sht. i'm healthy physically. sabi maybe stress or anxiety, ipahinga ko daw. e di nga ako makakapagpahinga, my body is having their mind on their own. kahit hindi na ako nagwo-worry about anything, these symptoms just keep going na ang nangyari, sa mga symptoms na ako nastress. nasstress na ko dahil isang buwan na kong parang nahihilo or what, palpitations, di makatulog, laging pagod, shaking, cough, rashes na buti naman wala na. so i asked if magcoconsult ba ko sa iba, sabi nya pwede daw sa neuro or psych. after that, dahil nasa hospital na ko, nagpacheck na din ako sa derma because my hair keep on falling out na for so many months (the thing is parang di naman ako napapanot or nababawasan ng buhok visually? pero ang daming nalalagas araw araw). derma checked all the test results, chineck scalp ko, pulang pula daw and wala ring makitang mali sa results and the reason daw bat ganon buhok ko is guess what? stress. i don't even remember being stressed on months my hair started falling out except for mild stress some times dahil sa acne. the thing is am not even sure anymore kasi nga i am winging my mental health ever since HAHHAHAHAHA. all my emotions, stress, shts, all bottled up. no one knows anything. ako lang nakakaalam lahat (that was the birth of this blog, my outlet kasi wala akong sinasabihan). so baka nga matagal na akong stressed and baka masyado na kong sanay hindi na siya nag-register na ay stressed pala ako HAHHAHAHAHA. sanay ako sa negative feelings or events whatever, sa positive feelings ako hindi so maybe di ko lang nare-realize. i just had one stressor this past month na i think naglead to all of these physical manifestations. eniweys, derma asked me questions about my lother symptoms and stuff, and after that, she suddenly asked me: do you want to have a referral for psych? when i heard that, i was like "oooh it's getting real now" hahahhahahaha. sht. i know there's something wrong with my mind but it will get real and legit if i will get a diagnosis. hindi ko na kaya i-wing wing to like chicken wings, di na kaya ng pakpak hahahahha kasi damay na physical ko my god kumawala na sya from my mind. baka ang susunod na winging ko nito, pakpak na ng kaluluwa ko papuntang langit. derma wrote on the referral letter to psych: anxiety disorder, for diagnosis and management.

the thing is gusto ko pa magpa-check sa neuro or ent or optha but doesn't make sense. all doctors referring me to psych. and i am someone that always believe in "everything happens for a reason". and if all that shts within the past month is leading me to a psych consultation, then i must take it, there's a reason. so had a consultation with psych (putangina ang mahal gago) then yun. gad. prescribed me meds na ayaw ko pa nga i-take kasi iniisip ko naman baka kaya ko ito i-power through ulit hahahah but i have physical symptoms na so i went with it. meds for mental health, you will take a long time na mahal din, consultations mahal din, so i get why people with mental heath disorder applying for pwd hindi dahil sa convenience sa pila pero tangina discount sa gamot tyaka consultations, ang mahal ng psych at hindi sya sakop ng hmo yun ang problem tangina ang mahaaaaal bat ganyan consultation fee niyo hahhahahah. eniweys that is that. i'm okay. i just wrote this post wanting to just share that i got diagnosed pero humaba na and just went with it, tuloy tuloy lang hence the way of writing sorry just vented out whatever. but again, i'm okay. ayoko lang na ma-diagnose ako nung isang araw kasi feeling ko baka i-relate ko lahat dito kahit hindi naman big deal sakin yung isang bagay. yung baka isipin ko na "ay siguro kasi may gad ako kaya ganto ganyan" pero if dati na wala kong diagnosis, baka hindi magiging big deal or hindi ko iisipin yung isang bagay and just let it be, pero baka ngayon ire-relate ko sya. alam mo yon? ayoko yung lagi kong iisipin na ay kasi baka may gad ako. ayaw ko syang gawing personality, ayaw ko irelate doon lagi, ayaw ko i-stuck yung sarili ko doon sa condition. kaya siguro i wrote about it kasi baka ngayon ko lang sya io-open up this way and i will just went on with my life. i'm open about it if may magtanong ganyan, pwede ko i-share randomly sa kwentuhan but i will not make this a big deal, i just have a condition and i'm taking care of it na. yun lang naman yung iniisip ko before the diagnosis, parang ayaw ko lang ng ganon na effect sa akin. so that is that. i'm fine. i'm okay. nothing big deal, felt something, had it checked, got diagnosed, started medication, things will be good, sana makatulog na ko nang matiwasay at mawala na hilo ko kasi yun talaga main problem ko this past month. wishing you all good mental health. power through.

[lololollywrites]

STEWING in anger today. My younger sister - she's 33 - was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 months ago, which obviously has been devastating. She is no longer able to work as a nurse, which has been a huge adjustment mentally for her (she LOVED her job in post-labor maternal care). She and her husband had only recently bought a house, but now they can barely pay their bills; he has to work extra hours, and she's home with both of my nieces, one of whom (at 8 years old) has severe behavioral issues stemming from ADHD and OCD. They've already had to file for bankruptcy. She's a wonderful mother, but the stress of it all certainly doesn't help her MS symptoms, and it all piles up (she isn't always physically able to clean the house, etc.). I live about five hours from her and come down when I can to help, but I can't do that as often as I'd like.

She's been hospitalized five times in the past year (unable to walk, with spasms and pain) and received planned infusions even more often, though has thus far only received steroid treatments because HER INSURANCE COMPANY DIDN'T COVER THE INITIAL MEDICATION SUGGESTED BY HER NEUROLOGIST, then REFUSED TO COVER THE SECOND RECOMMENDATION (after the first one was ineffective) despite it being the one they argued should have been chosen in the first place. That's meant she's only had treatment to **manage** her symptoms rather than **treat** them. For over a year. FOR A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. After more than five years of being misdiagnosed with POTS despite clearly having more going on (and a doctor's office "misplacing" an MRI from years ago that could have showed early signs). Fortunately, she recently got approval from her insurance and will begin treatments next month that will hopefully help.

But this post isn't even about that. This post is about the fact that, as she can no longer work (and briefly tried another desk job at the hospital that was also impossible due to her MS brain fog), she applied for disability. 15 MONTHS AGO. They've made her jump through SO MANY HOOPS - so much paperwork and waiting with no updates that she's been in tears more than once. My mother even contacted her state's Congress representative, who's reached out directly to the disability office to inquire as to why it's all taking so long. Without disability, she and her husband will barely be able to cover their bills, let alone save to repair the many things that need repaired in their new home or to support their children. Or even to just, you know, take a vacation for the first time in ten years to ensure their marriage is salvaged. We started a GoFundMe at the beginning, right after she was diagnosed, which was wonderful, but she doesn't want to do that again now; it feels like begging to her.

Yesterday, her disability request was denied. Who the hell knows why. It was just an instant updated status; we don't yet have the letter. She's devastated, as are all of us. It just seems incomprehensible, though apparently up to 77% of disability applicants are denied in the hope that no one appeals (about 50% do). She now has to get a lawyer and fight for what she deserves. More stress (making her symptoms worse) and more money. And more waiting.

This whole experience has just further radicalized me. I have no idea what to do. I'm just SO ANGRY.

[balkanradfem]

Neck pain update!

Okay so last time I wrote about this, was when I got the MRI results for my neck, which was blank, zero issues found. However the pain in my neck was still so bad I can't walk without pain, can't jump or run at all, and can't carry anything over 2kg. I was too scared to try and fix it on my own, because messing with an injured neck without training is dangerous, and can do damage, so I didn't want to risk making it worse. However, if the scans say the neck is fine, then I can't really ruin it, right, so I've started looking for exercises that don't hurt.

As I was looking for neck-related exercises on youtube (they all hurt too much), youtube was starting to recommend me back exercises as well, some of them specifically for Rhomboid pain. Now, I didn't know what this rhomboid was, but it so happened that I had pain in that exact spot, between shoulder blades, but that pain came and went, so I thought it must be psychosomatic (when you have chronic pain you assume most of what hurts is psychosomatic).

Anyway, I decided to do those exercises because it's much less scary to work on back pain, and they didn't hurt as much. Then I found, in the same source, some neck exercises that seemed a bit dangerous; they instructed me to lay down with my neck hanging over the bed, then hold my own head with my arms, and move it, like I'm fixing it in place. I was shocked to find out that this didn't hurt me, so I did that exercise twice. And then the shocking thing happened.

That exercise immediately changed how the pain felt while I was walking. Before, I used to feel every step as a punch to the back of my neck; now it was to the back of my head. This made me dizzy, nauseous and want to vomit, the first time it happened, and I was very scared that I made it worse. Pressure and pain where my brain is, felt even more serious than neck pain, and I didn't repeat that exercise ever again, in hope the pressure and pain in my head would go away. It didn't, however, go away, but I learned to deal with it, and it became somewhat bearable. I am due in few months for a brain MRI so if there's something actually wrong with my brain, I will find out then. I am suspicious though that maybe there's some muscle in my back that is extending up to the head causing issues. But I don't know if there is such a thing.

I kept doing the exercise for the back pain, but the back pain did not go away from it, the exercise just keeps getting more painful as I keep doing it, unsure whether I should just stop.

After that I fell depressed for a while, and just played stardew valley laying down using my touchpad, and this is where the pain got worse in my left arm. Before that, my arm hurt a little, if I was bending it backwards or extending it too far or carrying anything, but now, it hurt a lot, at all times, whenever I was trying to do anything at all. I thought I made it worse with my irresponsible video gaming, my wrist was now hurting badly too, and I couldn't bend my arm to use the laptop anymore. I tried with my right hand and then my right hand started hurting too.

I was trying various wrist exercises thinking it was the video game problem, that made no difference whatsoever, so today I finally looked up all possible causes of pain in the arm, and found something that was close to the pain I felt - coracobrachialis muscle pain. I've never heard of that muscle, but it's under the arm and connects the back and arm, and can get damaged from overuse. I found instructions on how to locate it, and upon pressing on it, I felt such intense pain I was crying and curled into a ball for a while, it's clear to me that this muscle is in bad condition.

Now, all the pain relief instructions for this were to give this muscle a massage, but I absolutely cannot do that, I can't touch that muscle, I can't press on it, the pain of just the smallest pressure is insane, while I'm happy to have found the source of my arm pain, I am absolutely lost as to what to do with this. Does anyone have any knowledge or experience with this specific muscle? I can't force myself to massage it until I find a way to somehow relax it, or relax the area around it, so that it would be this painful to touch.

Also, the neck itself has shown some tiny improvements. It feels like it got a little stronger, because now I can lift my head while lying down, which I couldn't do before. I can sometimes sit for a bit more than I could do before, I was limited to 20min of sitting before I had to lie down, now I can sit for an hour (with discomfort, but not pain). It still hurts while I walk but now it's more like pressure than being hit with pain, my head instead takes the hit. If I try to run, I get intense pain and pressure in my head, and it extends to my neck as well.

I think I did something okay along the way, maybe few mistakes. There's probably more than one problem with my muscles, I suspect, and I hope I will find ways to resolve them one by one. I even thought for a second that I maybe lack collagen because I'm vegan but then when I looked it up, it's something body produces by itself and doesn't need a supplement. So it's just a big mystery at this point. I still blame that tree-falling accident because this wasn't going on beforehand.

[mappingthemoon]

A Christmas Miracle: I was scheduled for an MRI in January, but they called me yesterday that an earlier appointment had opened up today, so I got to have a horrifying experience of claustrophobia first thing in the morning and it only cost me $187 because I hit my ($3000!) deductible this year, instead of costing me like $1000 if I'd gotten two weeks from now as scheduled. Because the entire health insurance industry is stupid and terrible.

My PCP ordered the MRI because I'm still having chronic headaches, even though the sleep apnea device has helped with the morning headaches. I'm pretty sure I am having rebound headaches due to accidentally getting myself addicted to aspirin powders ~15 years ago when I was self-medicating my chronic headaches which may or may not actually be migraines that have simply gone untreated forever due to a combination of not having health insurance for long periods of adulthood + having a high pain tolerance + headaches being such a normal occurrence for me that even once I did have insurance and a doctor I liked, I never thought to report my headaches as an abnormal or especially painful issue until the aspirin's effect on my liver started showing up in my blood work. This freaks me out completely, but nonetheless I was still leaning heavily toward cancelling the January appointment and trying once again to cold-turkey myself off of fucking ASPIRIN, maybe take another week off work when the weather is warmer so I can ride out a mega-headache and reset my brain instead of adding another thousand or so to my total debt?

ANYWAY. I had gotten an MRI once before, but it was when I was in the ER immediately after my bicycle accident (12 years and 5 days ago!) and I was more or less unconscious and/or zonked-out on morphine, so my memory wasn't super clear. So I was brought into the MRI trailer (the MRI machine was in a trailer outside the hospital...) feeling fine, they explained the procedure, said it would take 15 minutes, and asked me if I wanted to listen to music to which I responded "nah" (it was sp-tify and I was afraid of a commercial blasting into the headphones while I was trapped in the machine, because the commercials are always ten fucking times louder than the music arrrghghhhh), I said, "It's cool, I'll be fine as long as I can close my eyes!"

They rolled me into that machine and, Reader, my dumb ass just had to take a peek. Just to see what it was Really Like! I fucking lost it, oh my god. Crying, hyperventilating, sweating, etc. They rolled me back out immediately. We did some deep breaths together and the technician held my hand, assuring me this was a normal reaction. I'm like, "Aw, shit, I have ativan in my bag! [which was all the way back in the hospital building and wouldn't have taken effect quickly enough anyway] Why didn't anyone tell me I might need it for this?" lol, and more deep breaths.

I'm still laying down, my head is immobilized in this thing, and I'm thinking to myself, "You can leave!!! You can leave if you really, really want to." But I say to the technician, "I have to do this now. I have to. I won't be able to afford it if I reschedule to next year." Which she said she understood and was sorry about. "It really only takes 15 minutes?" "Yep, just about." "Okay okay okay, I can do it."

This time I asked for classical music. There was only one commercial at the beginning, so not too bad. And Brahms' Lullabye came on, which was so weird and existentially hilarious? I successfully kept my eyes closed the whole time and practiced deep breathing (4+ years of relatively consistent daily meditation has paid off!!), but I also counted every single second of those 15 minutes. Knowing that all I had to do was count to 60 fifteen times was the main thing that kept my mind from spiralling out of control. And then, lol, around 13 minutes I realized, oh my god oh shit what if I'm counting too fast i will absolutely not be able to stay in here for AN UNKNOWN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME! SHIT! FUCK! I got to 15 minutes by my mental count and then started counting another minute and trying to rein in my terror imagination, slowwwly applying pressure to the rubber "call button" thingie -- if I ask them to stop now will they have to start the whole thing over again?? -- which dinged at the same instant they opened the door and started moving me out of the machine. My count was only ~30 seconds off but it was the longest 30 seconds! Anyway, I fuckin' did it. Merry Christmas!!!

[chronicallyuniconic]

A letter came about my blood results.

As well as the "big diagnosis" of Multiple Sclerosis, I may also have Lupus on top of it. How did they miss this, way back when I had that first & second full blood count. Is this how they missed I was anaemic too? It makes sense why things are, but doesn't make it any better.

On top of the "being disappointed with med professionals" feeling, I'm utterly defeated by this kind of betrayal from my body.

In a completely absurd turn of events a few weeks back, I was upset that I'd invaded my brains privacy by having an MRI. Seeing the pictures of my brain, felt like I'd violated it's existence.

I felt really awful that I didn't ask my brain permission to have a look at it, which is ridiculous when it's my brain giving me these thoughts in the first place.

I know it's an outrageous, nonsensical, preposterous thing to feel, I never thought I'd feel like that about a body part. I never felt bad when I got an x-ray on my hands, wrist, feet, ankle(due to breaks/fractures). I never felt bad for the bones in my body or ask them for permission. So why did I feel this about my brain?

Almost like I have the brain that I think with, and the brain that exists/lives in my skull, that somehow, is it's own being. Why did brain do that. It's fucked w my mental health completely cus it's so incredibly irrational, laughable, silly, unreasonable. It's made me feel stupid, which isn't a word I like to use as a descriptor for a person.

Two brains, and none of them wanna tell me what my body is playing at, or why it hurts today, or why sleep never refreshes me, or why that bit of skin is itching at me, why it feels like bruises all over my head one minute and nothing the next, why my legs and knees go weak, why my hips collapse, why I have to rush to the bathroom EVERY time, why I have seizures, why I'm nauseous again, why my hands go fizzy and turn numb.

Two brains & neither can say.

None of it makes any sense.