#got my brain MRI today

[beesinspades]

///

[shezamaverick]

Y’all would NOT believe the weekend I have had 😅😅😅

[luciensbabbles]

Oh my god so I'm doing my NDIS application again since the first time it just fucking vanished into the ether and. It turns out my psychiatrist doesn't keep copies of the NDIS application form she fills out. So the only one in existence is my hard copy. And I don't even know if I have all the pages because I put it somewhere safe and I don't fucking remember where that is! I don't even know if I put it somewhere safe and didn't just leave it on my desk or floor after fighting the printer for like an hour to scan it all!!!!!

And the worst part is the NDIS person wanted this *today* and I don't have it!!!! It's friday here!!¡! I'm domed!!!! Can't keep things going until Monday now!!! I'm so upset and stressed !!!!

[oneshotnewbie]

soooooo HIIIII !!!! tis i again back from another tumblr hiatus bc college work womp womp!

hear me out,,

amelia shepherd x fem!reader

where they are both surgeons and one of the interns flirts with reader and amelia gets jealous when she sees and walks up behind reader wrapping her arms around reader as she questions the intern on why they thought it be appropriate to flirt with a head of department and amelia establishes that reader is hers, fluff!! ☺️ ☺️ 💗💗

(sorry for the ramble, i’ve had this thought on my brain for a WHILE)

from yours truly,

- ❤️‍🩹 anon !

Authors note: My beloved ❤️‍🩹 anon!! I'm so sorry that I'm only posting this now, but life is really hectic at the moment and I'm totally behind!! I hope you read this anyway if you're still following me <3

ᕚ---ᕘ

Amelia Shepherd hurried through the busy hallways of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, her thoughts revolving around the surgery that should start soon and the endless list of patient files she still had to sift through. As one of the hospital's most renowned neurosurgeons, her schedule was always full, but today it seemed particularly overflowing.

In the distance she saw you, her partner and colleague, engaging in a conversation with one of the young interns. A slight smile graced Amelia's lip as she watched you patiently listen to the intern's questions and share your experiences as a renowned surgeon. She not only admired your medical expertise, but also your ability and competence to pass on your knowledge to the next generation.

However, as Amelia got closer, she noticed another intern approaching with a mischievous grin as the gaps in the other intern's knowledge were filled. "Hey, Dr. l/n, I was wondering if you would mind going out for a drink after your shift?" the male intern asked with a hint of confidence in her voice.

You, who accepted the question with a friendly smile, answered politely but slightly dismissively. "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm afraid I already have other commitments tonight."

However, the trainee wasn't easily brushed off and continued, with a hint of persistence as he edged further towards you at the counter where you stood to write a few remaining notes in your newest patient´s file. "Come on, it'll be fun. I could show you some great bars nearby and maybe you could pass on some knowledge to me afterwards."

Amelia felt a slight tension building up inside her as she listened to the dialogue between you and the young medical student. Even though she knew it was unreasonable to be jealous, she couldn't deny that her heart was beating faster and her mind was racing.

You continued to respond politely, but you felt slightly harassed. It was as if the newbie didn't understand that you had no interest in him. "I really appreciate your offer, but I already have plans. And I think I'm out of your league."

The trainee still didn't seem to want to fully accept the rejection, but before he could elaborate further, Amelia intervened and stepped next to you. She noticed your tension and the slight look around for help. "Hey, y/n, I received the results of the latest MRI scans. We should look at them together before we start the surgery."

You nodded gratefully at her with a smile of relief and turned to the young man in front of you. "Excuse me, but I really have to go now. You should get on with your work rather than standing here."

The intern mumbled a vague and quiet agreement before finally turning away as you and Amelia walked towards the operating room. Although the brunette remained calm on the outside, she felt an uncomfortable feeling spreading inside her.

Amelia entered the hospital break room, a place of momentary calm amidst the hectic hustle and bustle of everyday hospital life and the last successful operation. Her eyes searched for you, her partner and colleague, who found her standing at one of the coffee machines with a serious expression on her face. A slight tension ran through her body as she noticed that the same young intern who had flirted with you before was standing near you again and seemed to be talking animatedly to you.

The neurosurgeon approached slowly, her eyes on you and the young medical student as she tried to keep the rising jealousy at bay. But as she got closer, she could not only see the Intern's relaxed posture and teasing look, but also the words he spoke and the rejection you showed him.

"So Dr. l/n, I just wanted to say that I really admired your approach in the last surgery. You have such a calm and competent way of dealing with the most difficult situations. It would be an honor for me to have someone like you to learn."

Amelia felt her heart heavy as she heard the intern's words of praise. A mixture of pride and jealousy permeated her thoughts as she watched you nod and thank him briefly, wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Jealousy flared up inside her as she watched the Intern continue to hold on to you, and she couldn't help but feel the need to make her presence known. With a determined step she came behind you and her arms wrapped around your middle. Her head rested on your shoulder from behind and a loving look etched on her face, although her darkened pupils gave a hint that she was driven by jealousy before she looked at the young medical student with a cool look.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you," the brunette began in a quiet voice, but there was a distinct edge to her words, "but I'm wondering why you think it's appropriate to flirt with the chief of cardiology while she obviously is in a relationship."

The intern looked surprised to hear Amelia's words and cleared his throat nervously. His hand slid up and down his head as he touched his lips, embarrassed. "Um, I.. I just wanted to express my admiration for Dr. l/n. It wasn't my intention to cross any boundaries."

The neurosurgeon didn't let up and fixed the intern with a penetrating look. "Well, it's important that you know what those boundaries are. Flirting in the workplace can be inappropriate, especially when it crosses the boundaries of professional relationships. This morning was enough, and now you're trying again?"

You felt the tension in the air and in your girlfriend's body. You quickly pulled a hand out of your gown and turned it back to touch Amelia's thigh, calming her. "Thanks for the compliment, but I think it's important to maintain clear boundaries. I'm your boss. I think we should maintain a professional work environment."

The young man nodded sheepishly and quickly retreated, leaving Amelia and you alone in the room, surrounded by an atmosphere of jealousy that radiated from her.

When your eyes met, Amelia felt the simmering passion blazing between you. With a demanding look, Amelia lured you into a nearby chamber and pulled you into a hug. Her lips found yours in a hungry kiss that ignited her longing and desire.

You returned the kiss with equal desire, your hands roaming over the brunette's body as you pulled her closer to you. You felt the fire of your passion burning your skin and you longed for more. With a hand on your throat and a passionate glint in her eyes, she whispered in a seductive voice. "You're mine, y/n. Only mine."

You moaned in need as you felt the dominance in Amelia's voice, and you couldn't help but give yourself completely to her. Your hands found their way to her back as you kissed her passionately, as if you were confirming her words in every moment of touch.

The neurosurgeon felt the heat of her desire as she let herself fall further into the vortex of passion, without fear of loss or getting caught. Her hands greedily explored your body, each touch a promise of pleasure and devotion.

She pushed you against the nearest wall, her breathing hot and heavy as she cuddled close to you, one of her hands slightly squeezing your throat. She whispered with a sensual smile. "You are mine, y/n. All of you and no one else's."

You gasped as you felt the obsession in Amelia's touch, and you couldn't help yourself from completely succumbing to it. Your fingers dug into her skin as you desperately pulled her even closer, as if you never wanted to let her go again.

Your bodies joined together in a passionate dance, the flames of your desire consuming you in an intoxicating rush of pleasure. You were one in your passion, inextricably linked by the bond of your love and obsession for each other.

When you finally sank into a sea, you could feel that you were forever connected through the heat of your love. United in the flames, you didn't even notice the two beepers going off almost in sync, separating you from the heated moment between you.

[newsies-lodging-house]

Big news.

I never planned to be open about this here, but I just got the biggest news of my life and I just need to share.

I was diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer when I was eleven years old. I started rapidly going blind and was in chemotherapy until I turned 13. They stopped treating me after my right eye completely lost vision because they couldn't do anything else for me. When I finally got out of chemotherapy I had to get MRI's every 3 months for four years an until they switched to annually. I was told that it could and likely would come back and that it may become terminal.

Today I met with my specialists and they told me I was officially in remission. I don't have any more appointments, no MRI's, no more blood work, no more tests, and no more surgeries. I lost almost eight years of my life to cancer and now I'm finally getting to take them back. I'm officially a survivor. At 18 years old.

I officially beat cancer.

To the two of my exes who told me they hoped my cancer came back and wished death on me? Fuck you. Fuck you for everything. I beat cancers ass and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't take that away from me.

[ozwriterchick]

Back to Us - Chapter 2

Summary: Y'/n wakes after an accident to her Avengers team-mates. But something isn't quite right and only Steve and Tony can see it.

Characters/Relationships: Steve Rogers x Reader; Tony Stark; Natasha Romanoff; Other Avengers Characters

Content warnings: Mentions of an accident (no details yet); If I missed any, let me know

Back to Us Masterlist

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Word count: 1142 (approx.)

Tony & Steve stood close together outside the hospital room in silence for a few minutes.

“So, that was strange, right Tony?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, I noticed somethings she said earlier too.  I think she’s got some kind of amnesia.  Let’s let the Doc do his tests and I’ll come back later this afternoon and talk to him to see what is going on.”

Back in the hospital room, the Doctor pulls a chair up and sits beside your bedside.  “Ok, let’s talk some more.  You’ve been in a coma for 10 days.  We’re going to send you off for an MRI, draw some blood and check the basics first and just make sure everything’s working the way it should. How does that sound?”

Y/n smiles at him tiredly “I’m getting really tired but I’ll try and stay awake for all the tests”

“Well, the MRI you’ll need to stay awake for cause there’ll be certain breathing exercises you’ll need to do during it, but that will all be told to you when you get to the imaging department.  And apart from that, we can always work around your naps, because you definitely need to rest as well.”

Later that day, you are back in your room after the first lot of tests have been completed.  Napping on and off while waiting for the next test and the results of the ones they have already completed.

The doctor comes into the room again with the computer that shows him the test results.  “Well, all of it looks good Y/n.  I can’t see anything concerning on the MRI and the blood tests have come back fine as well, so it looks like no permanent damage.”

“Well, that’s great news Doc” you said.

“Let’s do some memory test questions, okay?” As the Doctor asks this, Tony walks back into the room.

“Sorry doc, I just couldn’t stay away, but it looks like I got here just in time for the good stuff.  Hey Y/n, how are you feeling this afternoon?” he asked.

“Really tired tony.  But Doc has just said that the MRI and other tests have come back fine.  And hopefully if these memory questions go well, I can go home?” you look at the Doctor hopefully.

“Okay, first question – what is today’s date and do you know where you are?” the Doctor begins.

“Today is May 15th and I’m at Stark County Hospital” you proudly answer.

“Great, what is your full name, date of birth and parents names?” the doctor continues.

You smile because these are all easy questions in your opinion. “Easy.  My name is Y/fn Y/ln, Date of birth 22 June, my parents are Y/mn & Y/dn Y/ln”

“Alright, here comes the big one.  What is the last thing you remember before waking up here?”

“Well, I think I remember an impact, but I’m not sure if that’s a trick of my brain because I’ve been told there was an accident.  I do remember Steve, I mean Captain Rogers, Bucky, Nat and I were heading to a Hydra facility in Romania cause we had intel that there were some hostages being held there.”

“We split up, Nat and Cap went to the West and Bucky and I went to the East to make sure there weren’t any goons over and above the ones we anticipated would be guarding the facility.  Bucky and I dealt with the ones on our side and entered the building, clearing floors as we went.”

“We met Nat & Cap in the centre of the main floor, agreed they’d go up to the higher floors and Bucky and I would go down to the lower floors as we thought that’s likely where they’d hold the hostages.  The last thing I remember is being on maybe the 3rd floor down and entering a room with at least 6 people chained up to the walls, in cells.  Bucky started ripping the cell doors off their hinges so we could get into them, then there was a beeping and that’s about it. “

“Like I said, I think there was an explosion, but I’m not really sure if that’s just cause, you know..” you finished.

“Ok, get some more rest and I’ll be back later to see how you are.” The Doctor told you.  You nodded at him and Tony and closed your eyes.

“I’ll be right back Y/n” Tony smiles at you and you smile back, drifting into sleep.

Tony quickly caught up to the Doctor.  “Hey doc, so, what’s the latest?  That was particularly concerning to me?”

“She seems fine, there’s nothing wrong with any of her results.  What’s concerning you Tony?” he enquired.

“Well, that Hydra incident she says is the last thing she remembers, that was 4 years ago.  I was a bit worried today cause she didn’t seem to remember a few things, but this is the icing on the cake.” Tony conveyed his concern to your doctor.

“Hmmmm, well, I guess we’ll run some more tests and I’ll keep you posted.” The Doctor told Tony, also showing some concern now that he knew this further information.

Over the next couple of days, the doctor and his team ran further tests, but couldn’t work out why you were missing the memories, except for the bump on your head.

Tony and the doctor decided it was time to tell you so they sat down with you on the day you were to be discharged.

“So Y/n” the doctor began “We’ve run a whole heap of tests and everything looks great, however there is one thing we need to let you know.”

“Oh. “you were concerned that there was something that looked ok but wasn’t. “Alright, lay it on me.”

Tony took over “The other day when you first woke up you said a few things that concerned Steve and I.  Then when the doctor was doing the memory test questions, you mentioned the Hydra mission in Romania as the last thing you remembered.”

“Right, that was my last conscious memory that I can recall.” You said.

“Yeah, well the thing is…” Tony started “that mission was not the last mission you went on.”

“Oh, so there’s another mission in the middle that I don’t remember?  How much time am I missing” you can’t think of how long ago it was but surely it was only a few days or a week or two.

“You know what, let’s just leave it at a gap in your memories for now?” Tony asked.

“And we shouldn’t force anything, the more you force this kind of thing, the more the brain can subconsciously rebel against remembering.  We need the memories to come back naturally to give you the best chance of having full recollection of whatever is missing.”

You sat back and wondered just how much you were missing.

Tag List: @wolfbeanpotion @vioplay19 @jason-todd-fangirl-14 @crazyunsexycool @zaraomarrogers @bitchy-bi-trash

[crustyfloor]

What is this horror that I just woke up to

Firstly, Luka's tattoo has finally been revealed (too bad it's not where I theorized it was...) Unlike the others, one detail is stark this time, that being that he was awake during the entire process. He's not even lying down when it would probably be less (by a pinch) painful, and more efficient if he did. He's watching. Even helping by keeping his shirt up.

And it seems he is still maintaining his heart rate even through the pain.

(And, expectedly he is thin so this would've hurt a lot more. I wouldn't be surprised if keeping him awake was to benefit his ability of endurance)

And we have his mugshot too. there are a lot of scribbles on his page so I tried to decipher the two clearest ones to me

LUKA - 010401 (His ID number)

And alongside that, we finally have the full cast tattoo process. (save my Till loving heart what are they doing to him.) HyunA and the girls on the top and Luka and the boys on the bottom.

On the topic that the Aliens in ALNST are horrible and can't be bothered to even put the pet humans to sleep while going through such a painful process, it doesn't look like Ivan is spared either and was also awake. otherwise, I don't know how he maintained that grip.

There's no telling for sure yet but his grip looks loose, perhaps he has a good pain tolerance.

And Till's picture. I think that's a full-body restraint right there (Like a straight jacket) If he was awake the whole time too then that's probably to be expected. There also seem to be wires around his face? a mouth gag? I can tell his is just...gonna be horrible to look at. (I am going to cause a scene. bashes my head against the concrete ARGH)

And we have everyone's mugshots, Sua -> Mizi-> Till -> Ivan -> Luka -> HyunA

(These were especially hard to read 💀 but they all seem to have their own signatures on their own pictures )

Sua (x2) - 1132 (in the circled area) - 020201 (That's close to her ID number- 020211.) - The rest is indescribable except for the "No"(?)

Another interesting part of this, we're shown Till's part of the Season 50 data book. A lot of the text is scribbled out.

Lyrics to unknown Till the end (And something scribbled out on the top) it looks like a draft copy. I can't tell if much changed from the version we have today..just got to see when the full version is out.

I tried to decipher as much as I could, take this with a grain of salt but his profile (left) is more of a teacher's note, one of his flaws being that he's aggressive, and he has a strong suit in performance. (Heavy emphasis on practicing music because his performance is his strong suit)

The C might be his overall grade, his only passing class was music.

(So many star scribbles..Mizi liked stars)

-

The album cover looks like a Brain (it reminds me of an MRI scan kinda) Is it Till's brain after all the experiments he's been through? if so, I'm not surprised it seemingly has a lot of abnormalities.

Also, the prominent signature in the middle looks a little bit Like Ivan's.

And finally the main piece, Given the similarities in data the person going through the test is still Sua.

The bandaging on her head is very confusing though, (is this the process of creating Anakt's child?) She also looks like she's yelling more than singing in this piece. (with the tight restraints it's hard to even tell but she doesn't look as relaxed as the second picture.)

Mental - Good (despite the red light?)

Cry (singing. maybe.) - Good

This could be in the literal sense that Sua was actually crying during this test, or this phase of the test. But Aliens have a warped perception of human sounds. They call crying, singing so...I don't know. If there was a lot of resistance from Sua during the earlier phases then the bandage is probably there as another restraint..so many restraints.

[darkeraurora]

Admissions - Chapter 3

Small Moments

Word count 3617 SFW Spanish translations are at the end.

Content warnings: swearing (our boo does that), and details of how Simon got his face scars.

Image is by NoteszB on Twitter. Look at this beautiful thing and his freaking long blond eyelashes! I didn't see a watermark or anything asking to not repost, and I don't have Twitter (image is from Google), if anyone knows if NoteszB prefers their work not be reposted like Umikochan, or if the watermark has been removed, please comment and I'll happily change it.

“Feels like I’m about to blast off.”

Sereza hummed. “MRIs always gave me Star Trek vibes.”

“Is this thing gonna blow up with me in it?” Soap asked over the mic inside the scanner.

“Uh,” the petite female began. From the back of the room, the silent skull and the captain watched her scroll through several images of Johnny’s head. The team had a vested interest in this; if it went well, she’d said, the drain could be removed and the 141 would be much closer to getting back to their hunt. “Nahhh,” she finally answered back a bit too casually.

“Not very convincing Lass,” the Scot griped.

 Slender fingers flicked past several more images. “I’m like, 67% sure it'll be fine.”

“What?!!”

“Steady soldier,” Ghost’s deep voice commanded. Dark irises looked down at the woman when she shivered. An eyebrow arched, inquisitive.

“LT don’t let me die in here!”

Fucking hell, so dramatic. “Keep it tactical Sargeant.”

“Ugh, fine. But I want my chest candy for this!” Soap wagged his finger in their general direction.

“Best I can do is let you keep your grippy socks,” the peanut replied dryly. Price barked out a loud laugh. Even the stoic Brit shook a bit with a silent chuckle before reaching out and patting just above her ponytail. Silent praise for her quick wit.

Both men straightened and came to attention as Raphael rounded the corner, knocking his knuckles against the open door. “Vete a la chingada,” Sereza snapped.

The major smirked. “Well that’s not very nice.”

“Don’t care.”

“So spicy,” he crooned, lifting an arm toward her hair.

Sereza swatted his hand away viciously. “Ya te dije que no hicieras eso!” The corner of Simon’s mouth tugged upward beneath the mask. It seemed the tiny peanut could also be quite the spitfire. It further fascinated and amused him.

Raphael jumped back, wearing an affectionate grin. He enjoyed teasing his sister. “You’re in a mood today. I come to apologize for this morning, like a good big brother, and you’re being mean to me,” he lamented, then ducked to the side as a pen flew at his head.

Perks of being his sister, the Brit thought to himself with a hint of envy. There had been a few majors and others over the years he’d have liked to sling something at.

Price waited. And waited some more, discreetly watching Ghost’s profile. But the skull remained silent and only observed the siblings’ banter. Hm.

 “Cállate, now get lost,” the pint-sized female ordered. “Unlike you, I have work to do. Lárgate.”

“Bloody hell, who you yelling at Lass?” Johnny cut in.

At his interruption, the major gave up and left his sister to her work. “Absolutely nobody important,” she answered into the mic. Price chuckled as he explained to Johnny that he’d missed the squabble and his best guess was she’d told her brother off.

Johnny gasped. “Told off the major?!”

“Yo no dije nada, si eso es lo que estás pensando,” Sereza replied innocently with a shrug. “Now, back to your brain.”

The captain took note. No direct interaction between the younger man and the doctor to speak of, but what hadn’t happened was telling. Despite having no idea what was said, she had been made clear her brother was not allowed to pat her on the head, yet she hadn’t objected to Simon doing the same in the hallway the other day and again just a moment ago. And another, more fascinating thing was missing:  Simon’s customary ‘speak English’ remark.

The Scot was constantly chastised whenever he spoke Gaelic within earshot of the Brit but Sereza, it seemed, got a free pass. And Ghost was not known for giving free passes. To anyone.

How very unlike him. In John’s experience, people speaking another language made the lieutenant uneasy. He needed to know precisely what was going on around him at all times. But he’d stayed calm with her; not a single annoyed remark or complaint.  

What exactly are you doing here, son?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Morning drifted quickly into evening, the arctic sun setting several minutes earlier each day.

The masked lieutenant stood outside Sereza’s office. For a moment he watched her, observed, while her mouse cursor flew across the screen. Head propped up in her other hand.

Unaware of the silent shadow, the little one gathered her long honey-hued curls and rapidly twisted them, exposing the back of her delectable neck, coiling her hair on the back of her head and securing the mass in place by shoving a pen through it.

Simon always wondered how women were able to do that. And so deftly.

It was fucking adorable.

Bloody hell. Such a pretty kitten.

He felt like a damn stalker.

Annoyed with himself, the Brit cleared his throat.

“Holy shit!! Ghost!” The little one jumped in her chair. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”

“You’re jumpy.”

“And you wouldn’t jump if another one of you just materialized out of fucking nowhere!?”

“No,” the skull deadpanned.

“Ugh!” Sereza moaned dramatically, tossing her head backward and slapping her hands over her eyes. She let out a deep sigh, muttering something under her breath in Spanish, then turning to him with her professional face back on. “What can I do for you sweetie?”

The Brit almost filled the doorway as he walked in. “Anything on Johnny?” he asked, improvising on the spot.

She clicked through several screens. “Nothing official for you yet; still waiting on the report. But I can tell you that I didn’t see anything that would make me want to leave the drain in longer. In my personal professional opinion, it’s ready to come out, however I’m not a radiologist, so-” she waved away the rest of her sentence.

Simon nodded. The peanut drew her legs up and folded herself into her chair, making her appear even smaller. His gaze roamed over her, memorizing her, until he stopped at the socks barely peeking over her shoes. “Your socks are really small.”

“Very random Ghost.” She shoved the edge of her desk, spinning in her chair around to face him, “There is a substantial size difference between the two of us, you may have noticed.”

He chuckled until Sereza held up her palm to him. Confused, the skull stared momentarily. Eyes flicking between hers and her outstretched hand.

“Come on, let’s see,” she prompted, wiggling her fingers.

She wants me to touch her?

The Brit, moving almost as if he might scare her off, pressed his gloved hand against her palm and as expected, he completely dwarfed her. A quiet laugh tickled his ears as she pushed back against him, turning their hands from side to side. Simon found himself captivated. Her smile, expression sparkling with her amusement, the feeling of her – touching her –  and the warmth of her seeping through the glove to his…

Sereza fell silent and looked up, meeting dark eyes that had softened and crinkled at the corners. “Ghost? Are you smiling?” she asked, tilting her head to one side and grinning wider at him.

“…Yeah,” he admitted. Somewhat reluctantly, but dammit that beautiful face…

It made him want to tell her things. Things he knew he probably shouldn’t.

Most definitely shouldn’t.

“I bet you have a nice smile under there.”

Ah shit, here it comes. Cue the same old tired lines about his balaclava followed by the pressure to take it off then the endless questioning about why he wouldn’t. Honestly, he had been starting to wonder when this was coming; it always did eventually. People’s curiosity about his mask was understandable, of course, and a few courteously-worded questions were fine, but he didn’t understand their inability to take no for an answer. Removing it was out of the question.

Sereza noticed the change in his expression, how the hidden smile dropped and his posture changed, curling inward almost imperceptibly. Protectively.  He really didn’t like that, but… I don’t think it’s about his smile... “Not that I think you should take it off or anything; it was just an observation. I’m just happy I’m learning how to read you,” she explained. Lacing her fingers through his, she gave Simon’s hand a quick reassuring squeeze before breaking their contact and turning back to her work.

His metaphorical mask was firmly fixed in place. All his defensive walls were up and ready to field yet another attack on the object that provided him a sense of comfort, safety, and anonymity in this god-forsaken world.

Except for once the attack never came.

“Why aren’t you asking about it?” he couldn’t stop himself from saying. Surely she wanted to; everyone had something to say about it. Some unsolicited and unwelcome bit of advice. Or they’d have something to say behind his back at the very least.

Those lean shoulders casually shrugged, “I didn’t have anything to ask, honestly. I think you’re expecting me to bombard you with questions about it but I don’t have any. And before you ask why not I suppose that’s because, in my view, you’re an adult making an adult decision and therefore whatever I think doesn’t matter.”

But do you hate it too?

Simon’s chest began to hurt and he realized that, surprisingly, it would actually really hurt him if she hated the balaclava. Hated this part of him.

“Maybe it’s the surgeon in me that makes me partial to skulls but, for what my opinion’s worth, I think it looks nice on you. Both your styles.”

Like skulls, do ya’ Lovie?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

There was one instance where Simon disliked his masks – when his facial hair grew too long. He’d never cared for it, even before he began covering his face. Almost as soon as he started growing peach fuzz he’d started shaving.

How John willingly put up with all that hair on his face Simon would never understand.

Ghost could go about two weeks between shaving before the stubble became annoying, but he could still tolerate it when he had to. Long missions in the middle of nowhere had given him plenty of practice. By four weeks his face was beginning to really piss him off and at five he was willing to use his combat knives to get rid of the hair, the resulting razor burn a price worth paying.

Shredding his skin wasn’t necessary this time. Luckily for him and his face, the commissary at Westforge was pretty good. Shave cream, pack of decent razors, body wash he didn’t think would leave him smelling like a goddamn fruit basket after a shower – perfect.

Movie night was in just over an hour; might as well knock it out while he waited. Maybe she’d be there… He shoved the thought away.

Dark gaze roamed from his fingers in the running water, waiting for it to warm up, to his balaclava staring back from where it lay on the edge of the sink, down to the walking boot protecting his fractured foot, and coming to a stop at the bruises and scabs his bone gloves had kept concealed. Remnants of a fight. One that had turned out to be his opponent’s last.

Large hands cupped the warm water over his face and applied shave cream. This part of shaving was an almost automatic task for him; not requiring much focus. His mind began to wander…

Her laugh faintly played in his ears.

The sound of her accent when she’d told him the name of her hometown.

Feeling her touch him while she traced his tattoos. And holy hell that smile.

“I bet you have a nice smile under there.”

She’d held his hand-

Ghost blinked away those thoughts. Fucking hell, get your head on straight. Picking up the razor and taking the first swipe, each stroke revealed more of the disfigured face. Simon rinsed his razor. He exhaled resentfully, having come to the parts he never liked doing – around the scars. The tiny nicks from fighting or the typical mishaps as a kid were negligible. He could, and very often did, completely overlook those.

Others…

The line near his temple where no hair grew from a time his father had backhanded him, causing Simon’s head to hit the corner of a table. His mother hadn’t been allowed to take him to get stitches until the following day.

As shit as his father had been, he hadn’t been the one responsible for most of his scars…

Small pieces missing from his ear.

Old burns on his neck and chest where they’d put out their cigarettes.

Narrow lacerations through his eyebrow, one extending down across his nose and to the corner of his inner eye.

The corner of his lip sliced through.

Rough, red scars crisscrossing his cheeks.

What remained of a gash extending from in front of his ear, underneath and behind, then up into his hair. Carved into his head by one of his torturers.

A sunken, cross-shaped scar Roba had personally cut deep into his cheekbone. That was probably the worst thing marring his face.

He rinsed the razor and took another swipe. Then stopped.

Or was it his eyes? Dark as coal, just like his father’s, his mother had always said.

“They’ll always be a piece of him in you.”

Simon rinsed the clean razor again. Pausing in his task, the haunting glare at his reflection intensified.

His nostrils flared. With a fierce yell, he hurled the razor across the small bathroom, the plastic shattering against the tile wall. His palms slammed onto the edge of his sink, the porcelain groaning under his white-knuckled grip. Head hanging, teeth clenched, eyelids squeezed shut in an effort to stop other, weaker, signs of emotion from leaking out.

No sense in lying to himself.  He would disgust her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Simon was going to go insane.

If he didn’t get out of here and back to work soon…

Two weeks. Two more fucking weeks, he mentally reminded himself. His heavy footfalls stopped in the middle of the hall leading to the common room. Now what? Rolling his eyes, he backed up a few paces and looked around the corner. He’d been hoping his sight was deceiving him, but no. Simon wasn’t that lucky.

He frowned behind the skull balaclava as he surveyed the room. A herd of random people, gathered beneath an open vent for… what reason exactly? Just as he was getting really curious one of them yelled into the ceiling, “Got it?”

Is there a fucking person in the damn air vent?!

“Almost, not yet,” a feminine voice echoed back from the darkness.

No...

The onlookers had begun teasing, oblivious to the shadowy lieutenant looming behind them, urging her to “get a move on.”

“Could you have some damn patience?”

“Bet I could be faster.”

“Bet not. There’s no way you’d fit in here. It’s like being in a damn coffin, even for me.”

Simon’s pulse raced, his feet carried him into the room and through the crowd until he stood directly under the vent, people scattering out of his way at just his presence alone. Not that he paid them any attention; he was only vaguely aware of them at best.

Alarm spider-walked up his spine. The little one… in the dark… squeezed into a space the size of a coffin. The room felt like it was spinning. Sound became muffled.

He wanted her out, and out right fucking NOW.

His mind screamed at him to get to her, to tear the fucking ceiling apart if need be. Whatever it took to pull her back out into the light where she belonged.

A loud bang almost made him flinch, followed by the hum of the air system as it came back online. “Got it!” she called from within the ductwork. There was a round of clapping and ‘atta girl!’ but Ghost stood still and silent as a statue in the middle of it all, the gaze drilling into the black void in the ceiling. She was taking too long…

The others began wandering off, back to whatever business they had, but the lieutenant stayed resolutely adhered to the floor, wide eyes trained on the vent. There was the rest of the world and everyone in it, then there was her – his little one – and it was taking every ounce of his self-control to not bring the entire ceiling down. Finally, a flash of movement in the darkness; the black sole of her shoe as Sereza worked her way out. Simon could almost breathe again, but not until she was safely back on the ground.

Moving slowly since she couldn’t see where she was going, Sereza shimmied backward out of the vent. Large arms wrapped around her thighs, easily taking her weight, then a steadying grip on her waist lowered her the rest of the way out. She blinked rapidly as oppressive darkness gave way to those stupid fucking florescent ceiling lights she hated. Her hands held onto broad shoulders for support as she was lowered to the floor. Looking up, hazel irises locked with worried dark ones hidden behind eyeblack and a bone balaclava.

Ghost was almost panting, his gaze rapidly skimming over her face and frame. He was worried about her? But there wasn’t even a second to ponder on that before she was crushed against a hard chest, his arms wrapped across her back and masked face buried against her hair. Ear to his chest, she could hear his heartbeat pounding away.

Dios mio… He smelled divine.

Gunpowder, naturally, woven among the scent of leather and the outdoors. Another more subtle scent – cedar? His choice of body wash, she supposed. And buried beneath it all, his natural musk that she could only describe as unmistakably, intoxicatingly, and deliciously male.  No human should be allowed to smell so good, she decided. Smiling to herself, Sereza sighed contentedly and curled her fingers into his hoodie as she snuggled back against him.

For right now, nothing else mattered. She let herself be surrounded by Ghost, his warmth, and his presence.

In the back corner of the room, behind a cigar, bright blue eyes narrowed at the pair.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Not until the group reached the common room did Simon manage to peel himself away from the little one’s side comfortably. He still trailed after her, but she headed for the bathroom and he was forced to fully separate from her. Goddammit.

He sunk into one of the ancient, sagging couches. A spot on the outer edge to keep him away from the chattier crowds and also protect his broken foot from getting accidentally kicked, an armrest at his left preventing too many people from sitting beside him – not that they did to begin with… Simon couldn’t have a better spot. A bone glove palmed the contents of his pocket.

A feminine sigh from behind him made his eyebrows rise high on his forehead. To Simon’s complete surprise, the peanut headed straight for him, weaving past Soap and Garrick. Sereza folded herself up and squeezed between Ghost’s side and the threadbare armrest, tiny feet perched on the edge of the cushions.

“She’s like a damn pretzel,” Gaz remarked to the other sergeant.

Sereza pulled her legs in closer. “If I fits, I sits.”

Simon was positively chuffed to bits.

The little one yawned. Fucking hell that was adorable, like everything she did. “Long day?” he asked.

She covered another yawn as she nodded, “Long and very, very early.”

The lights clicked off as the opening credits began playing. Before the show could get started, he dug the noisy package from his pocket and sliced it open with his knife. Sereza’s head tilted his direction. “Yes, Peanut?” his deep voice whispered, laced with amusement.

She shivered again. Was she cold?

Didn’t feel cold in here. Then again, she was a gnat-sized little thing with almost no meat on her bones. Maybe she was.

“N-nothing,” she quietly squeaked.

Ghost’s dark eyes twinkled in the light from the screen. He tipped his hand, offering her the open bag. That smile – that fucking gorgeous smile – spread across her face as she pulled out a gummy worm.

“I love sour gummy worms!” she murmured.

Deadpool was pretty good and Simon didn’t care that it was a bit of an older movie. He wasn’t usually one for the superhero genre but he enjoyed the character’s sass. The mix of action and dialogue was good too-

He started.

A small weight had dropped onto his shoulder.

The little one’s head.

Oh sweetheart.

Her breaths were deep and slow. Poor thing must have been more exhausted than she’d let on. That or she felt safe enough to fall asleep in a room full of men. What a luxury it must be to feel that safe. That included many guys on her brother’s team who also saw her as their sister, but still. Such a thing was beyond Simon’s comprehension.

Midnight eyes looked over the tiny curled-up figure. Even as a few of the lights came back on she didn’t stir. Definitely sound asleep, which meant she was entirely vulnerable. The urge to watch over her consumed him.

Looked like he was stuck.

The room cleared out. Simon waved off offers to help get the little one to her room and shot his most murderous glares at those who tried to wake her up. Johnny smiled and passed him a throw blanket. The Brit slouched back into the cushions, stuffing his hands in the front pockets of his hoodie and getting comfortable for his watch. For as long as she needed.

A new, warm feeling bloomed in his chest as she let out a soft sigh and pressed closer to his arm.

…I want to hold her.

Spanish translations:

“Vete a la chingada.”        

Go to hell.

“Ya te dije que no hicieras eso!”        

I’d already told you not to do that!

“Cállate.”                                                                   

Shut up.

“Lárgate.”                                                                   

Get lost.

“Yo no dije nada, si eso es lo que estás pensando.”  

I didn’t say anything if that’s what you’re thinking.

[evervigilantnightshade]

Guarded - Part 6

Reader is stubborn, sassy, and has a past filled with trauma. Joel new to Jackson is dealing with his past and is struggling to deal with his new life. They meet and can't stand each other, yet there's something under all their banter neither can deny.

Reader x Joel Miller

MDNI

Warnings: Typical canon violence, swearing, blood, prelude to more smut

MASTERLIST

Joel woke up to the sound of someone in the kitchen, the smell of bacon surrounding him. He opened his eyes and went to move but winced. Between the hangover and the uncomfortable couch his body ached everywhere. He looked over at the coffee table and the empty whisky bottle had been replaced with a glass of water and a pill bottle. 

Sitting up slowly he stretched his neck from side to side before reaching out for the bottle. Seeing nothing on the outside he opened it and glanced inside. 

“What are these?” His voice was gruff.

“Oxy.” She said and turned around to face him. “Judging from the empty whisky bottle I found beside you this morning, I figured you’d need something.” 

He tipped the bottle and two pills fell out. He swallowed them both down wishing there were more. 

“Why the hell do you have Oxy?” He was cranky and was taking it out on her. 

“For fun obviously.” She glanced back to see he wasn’t going to put up with her shit today and sighed. “I was forced into keeping a bottle out here for emergencies.” 

“Sure you were. And who forced you to keep oxy in your hunting cabin.” 

“Doc Stan, Maria, Tommy. Pick one.” 

He stood up slowly and stretched his back. The floor would be preferable tonight than that couch. He didn’t respond to her, just grunted and headed outside to take a piss. When he was done he went over to the rain barrel and splashed some water on his face. This was going to be a long fucking day. 

When he got back inside Y/N looked at him and held out a mug. He reluctantly went over to her and saw it was coffee so he took it and sat down at the kitchen table. 

“Normally I would offer to put a bit of whisky in it for you but…” 

“Why would they force you to have oxy. That’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard.” 

Y/N thought before she answered. She held back a lot from him, hell from everyone. Maybe she could give him the truth on this. 

“Ever since the raider attack, I get these really bad headache. Migraines. They come out of nowhere and I become completely useless when it happens. I can’t move, I lay in bed. Most of the time I end up either passing out or puking from the pain. We don’t know if it was the many kicks to the head I suffered or if it’s from when they put a noose around my neck and hung me from a fucking tree, depriving my brain of oxygen. Either way it doesn’t matter now. We don’t know how bad the damage is because there isn’t a working MRI machine anywhere but we have our guesses. The oxy takes the edge off just enough so I can make it back to Jackson when I’m out here alone.” 

Joel sat frozen for a moment digesting what she had just

“You shouldn’t have given me any of those, you need them.” He scolded her.

“It’s fine. What I need is for you to be alert and upright today. Figured it was the only way to achieve that. You’re here to protect me regardless of what I think and you can’t do that feeling like shit.” 

She took a little longer dishing up their plates than she needed just to gather herself and stop the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. She hadn’t been that honest with any in a very long time. No one knew what actually happened out there. 

All they knew is what they saw, her hanging from a tree, bruised, bloodied and cut with Theo dead in front of her. They had managed to get there only moments after she lost consciousness and when they asked her what happened days later all she wrote was what Theo did. They didn’t press further for details and she never supplied them. 

 She turned and set the plate down in front of Joel who was watching her closely. Once she was sat he continued to look at her.

“Can you please not do that?” 

“Do what?” He asked, rubbing his hands over his face. 

“Stare at me. Listen, I'm fine alright. I’m not fragile or broken…” 

“Never said you were. Is that what you think? That if you open up to someone they’ll think you’re broken?” 

“I don’t want to talk about this.” 

Jesus she was just like him. Seeing it from this side now he can see how frustrating it is. 

“Then don’t. But I’m not going to ignore what you just told me. Hell you don’t think I should’ve known that coming out here with ya? What if we were out there hunting and you got a migraine. I wouldn’t have known what to do. There is a difference between keeping things to yourself for protection and being downright careless.” 

“Careless? Wanna talk about carelessness? Who got pissed off last night and disappeared alone in the woods for hours without a gun I’ll add, only to return and drink an entire bottle of whiskey and pass out on the world's worst couch. Why did you sleep on the couch? I thought I made it clear you could sleep in the bed. Now you’re going to be sore and cranky all day.” 

“Y/N, NOTHING about yesterday was clear.” 

“For fucks sakes. Here we go again. What do you want from me?” 

“Anything. I’ll honestly take anything at this point that shows you have an ounce of feeling in that heart of yours. Why are you like this? Who hurt you to make you so goddamn closed off? 

“I thought we agreed to no hard questions.” 

“I never agreed to that.” 

“Fine, why don’t you go first and tell me about your kid.” 

“We’ve already talked about Ellie.” 

“Not Ellie, the one you lost.” 

Joel's face changed instantly and he clenched his fist. He felt his anger peeking and he was losing control. 

“That’s enough.” 

“Or let’s talk about your old partner.” 

“You’re pushing in.” 

“That’s what I thought. You’re such a hypocrite. Wanting me to be open and honest about everything but you’re hiding just as much.” 

“I said that’s enough.” He shouted and his fist hit the table hard 

“You’re right, that is enough.” Y/N got up and dumped her plate into the sink and grabbed her coat and put on her boots.  “I’ve been up for hours so I’m ready to go out. Just stay here today and if you decide to go back to Jackson there’s a truck behind the cabin with gas in it and a map.” 

“You’re not going anywhere without me. I’m here for a fucking reason Y/N.” 

“I could really give two shits at this point.” 

She was out the door before he could stop her and had already left by the time he got out the front door. 

He was beyond angry, he went to the back of the cabin to see a truck covered by camo netting. He pulled it off and hopped into it ready to track her down and drag her ass back to Jackson. He drove the truck out to the front of the cabin but stopped. He had no idea which way she had gone and he couldn’t afford to waste the gas driving around looking for her. He got out and slammed the truck door, going back into the cabin. 

After hour one his anger flared and he packed everything up and put it in the truck. As soon as she got back he was making her go back to Jackson.

After hour two he’d paced the cabin so much he should’ve worn a hole in the floor. He vowed that when he got back to Jackson he would never speak to her again.

After hour three he broke a lamp and a chair.

After hour four his anger started to subside slightly but he was still fuming and was going to tell her how stupid she was being and how dangerous it was for her to go out alone. 

After hour five he tried to understand why he was pushing her so hard. It wasn’t like he was in a place to even be in a relationship or even wanted one. It was simply that she told him no.

After hour six he unpacked the truck and put everything back where it had been. He parked the truck behind the cabin. 

After hour seven he began pacing again this time out of worry and not anger. 

After hour eight his worry had hit a peak and he searched through every single bin and bag for the red flare gun they use for emergencies that signals the community so they could come help arrange a search party. When he realized it wasn’t there he cursed himself for not keeping his eyes on the sky in case she’d set it off. 

It was a half an hour later when he heard the ATV tires crunching in the gravel driveway. He sprinted outside and was on her the minute she climbed off. Looking her over he could see her arms, stomach and chest were covered in blood. He grabbed her and held her arms tightly and started inspecting her. 

“Where are you hurt? Come on I’ll get the truck, I'll get you back to Jackson.” 

“Hey wait , this isn’t my blood.” 

“Did you get them all? Let’s get in the house. Are you sure you’re not injured?” 

He was pulling her by her hand towards the cabin and she pulled back.

“Look at me.” She demanded and he stopped and turned to her. “I wasn’t attacked. I got a deer.” She pointed at the wagon “I bleed and clean them out there because if I did it here it would attract infected or predatory animals. This is deer blood. I normally clean up but there wasn’t a stream or river…”

Her explanation was cut off by Joel hugging her tightly.

“Do you know how fucking stupid that was? Do you know how worried I was? You of all people know how dangerous those raiders can be. Why would you do this?” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t think it through and then I got out there I was being stubborn and but eventually I realized what I did and I’m sorry.”

He pulled back and looked her over before gently grabbing her hand and leading her to the cabin. She mildly protested saying something about moving the deer but he wasn’t listening. When they were inside her brought her over to the kitchen table and made her sit. She watched as he filled the kettle and put it on the stove to boil and then went and got the wash basin out of the bedroom. 

She sat quietly as he waited for the water to boil and then added some of the hot water to the basin making sure it wasn’t too hot before adding a rag to the water, soaping it up and sitting in front of her. 

He reached out and gently took her left arm and began delicately washing the blood off. 

“I’m sorry.” Y/N’s voice was soft but he didn’t look up at her. 

“You already said that. I just don’t understand how you can be so reckless after what happened to you.” 

“Pure stubbornness. Mixed with a little…” 

“Stop ok. Not now, not like this.” 

She nodded and didn’t say anything further until he had finished with her left arm and started working on her right one. 

“I’m also sorry for pushing you. I knew asking about your old partner and your kid would trigger you and I did it anyway. I push harder with you than I do with anyone else and it’s not fair. So I’m sorry. Truly.” 

Joel didn’t say anything for a few minutes and she sat staring at his hands as he gently ran the cloth over her skin. When he finally did speak his voice was so quiet she almost didn’t hear him. 

“I had a daughter.” 

He looked up at Y/N then and she could see his eyes were filled with emotion. She reached up and cupped his face with her left hand. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. When he opened them she could see tears forming in his eyes. 

“My daughter she was… she was 14 when…” He took a deep shaky breath. “I lost her on outbreak day.” 

Without saying anything she took the cloth from his hands and placed it in the basin before standing up and straddling him. For a moment he thought she was going to kiss him as she placed her arms around his neck and pulled him towards her. Instead she enveloped him in a hug, her hand resting on the back of his head. 

He buried his face in her chest, his hands resting on her back as he let himself feel things he had been holding back for so long. Tears fill his eyes at the thought of Sarah. Her soft smile, her kindness, her laugh. He missed her so much it physically hurt him. Y/N held him as he regained forgotten memories, having forced himself to not go back to that place for so long. 

He held onto her longer than he should have. Enjoying the comfort and taking all he could from her. Eventually though he pulled back and he saw her glassy eyes as she leaned forward and placed a kiss on his forehead. She pulled herself away and took the cloth from the basin, continuing to clean her arms and chest. 

He came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. 

“Are you ok?” 

She took a deep breath and stood still for a minute before answering him. 

“I had a son. He was two when the world fell and eight when I lost him. I also had a daughter, we were going to name her…” the name died on her lips. No she wasn’t ready to say it, not yet. “I was seven months pregnant when I lost her. All of them on the same day.” 

He was shocked she had children, although looking back the signs were there. The book and the way she helped Maria. Joel noticed how she didn’t mention their father, only saying all of them instead of just both of them. He wasn’t going to push her, he knew how hard all of this was. 

She hated this feeling, the anxiety and grief was crushing her and she felt like she couldn’t breath. The smell of blood filled her nostrils and she looked down at her blood covered shirt. It took her back to that day and she pushed away from Joel pulling her shirt off while facing away from him. She reached up and her hand squeezed the rings that hung on the chain around her neck as she pulled it off gently, bringing it to her lips  before shoving it into her jeans pocket. 

She put her hands on the counter and focussed on her breathing. She was trying desperately to push the memories of that day away, she didn’t want to go back to that place. Behind her she felt Joel’s hand start rubbing up and down her back and he softly spoke words of comfort. It took her a few minutes to compose herself but she grounded herself in his touch and his words. 

Once she had got control again she became hyper aware of the fact she was topless, standing in only a bra. She hadn’t taken her shirt off in front of anyone since the raiders, not even Adam. She felt incredibly self conscious. 

Behind her she knew Joel was looking at the scars that ran down her back. One of the raiders that caught her had sliced into her, once across her right shoulder blade, the cut ending at her spine and another angled the opposite way just under her ribs ending by her right hip. Those paired with the burns on her left side made her back quite the site.  

Her front was just as bad, a cut that went across her left breast and ended under her ribs, more burns, some stretch marks and a c section scar. The tattoos on her arms covered the scars on the only places people could see them, her having refused to wear long sleeves for the rest of her life.  

“Not too pretty is it?” She laughed with no humour. 

She pushed off of the counter and turned around before she could talk herself out of it. His eyes were on hers but then he let himself take her in fully his gaze lowering and then returning. He brought his hand up and cupped her face leaning in his lips brushed hers but she turned from him causing him to pause before she pulled his face to her neck and he nipped at it feeling a slight sting of rejection. It faded though as she moaned.

“You’re just as gorgeous as I pictured you to be in my mind.” 

For tonight she would surrender to him, let go of it all and just be there with him. Not thinking about anyone else or anything else. She knew it wasn’t enough for him in the long run but it was all she could give him right now. 

Her hands carding through his hair and his moving down to her ass squeezing it. 

“Joel, take me to bed.” She requested breathlessly

[k0dster]

OK question, who is everyone personal favorite, well written, mentally ill character?

Bc to this day nobody has topped Lucas Baker for me. I was kind of thinking about this Re7 au I had with an old friend today and started thinking about him again. Capcom has always done such a wonderful job with writing their characters, but something about Lucas makes me think about him every once in awhile.

It's hard to explain in words but the way he was written is just so scary. Not because he's got a bunch of molded henchmen and that creepy barn, but because he's so unpredictable and yet so smart and tactical. The kids a genius and shows it all throughout the game and his DLC, but he's also probably got some form of severe schizophrenia that has clearly gone untreated for near his whole life. He's incredibly smart and resourceful though - as in most cases - is limited by his mental illness.

The whole thing was a clear episode and I almost wanna pressume it happened before the doctors visit. Though that isn't really the point, I think alot of his issues stem from Jack. Not because he's ill too, but because he doesn't take it seriously. I live in the south myself and the stigma around men and their mental health here is so awful I don't even wanna start to imagine what it would do to a kid with schizophrenia who's dad choses to ignore it. I personally think Lucas would have grown up to be alot better of a person, hell, he might not have been in the house he was so well off if Jack had taken the time to acknowledge him. From just the look of the house and the way he acts in the daughter's (?? Sorry i seriously haven't played this game in almost a year) DLC really gives me that 'man of the house' 'men don't have feelings' kinda feel. I can only assume, the only other people in their home being women, that Jack really tried to drill that mentality into Lucas and completely glanced over Marguerites worries about him.

I almost feel bad for him. He's smart, talented, "gifted" if you must, though clearly limited by who I'm guessing to be Jack. There's a whole little story in game that really stuck out to me, when you're in Lucas's old room looking through his old journal entries he writes about Marguerite taking him for what I assumed was probably an MRI or maybe a CT scan of his head showing she clearly thought something was wrong with him. In an entry pretty close to that one he talks about his friend, Oliver, who keeps messing with him so he locks him in the attic. He talks about how he could hear him banging and screaming for help for about a day before he stopped and was eventually presumed dead to Lucas after he started to be able to smell his corpse. (I actually feel as crazy as him rn I can't find it but ik somewhere there's a document talking about how bad the smell was to him. I almost wanna say he talked about something dripping from the attic too on the same page but idk maybe i made that up)

EDIT: after 18 million years I found it so I was in fact not just loosing my mind

"Untreated schizophrenia can cause severe problems that affect many areas of life. It can disrupt how the brain works, interfering with thoughts, memory, senses, and behaviors. This can lead to difficulties in daily life, such as trouble organizing thoughts and behaving in ways that increase the risk of injury or illness." Which would explain Lucas's entire character during the game- minus the mold.

Ik this isnt my usual posting and an absolute yap fest but I seriously needed to talk about him again. He's so well written it makes me wanna foam at the mouth.

[angryschnauzer]

When i posted a week ago that this year has been utter clownshoes with all the shit that has been thrown at me, i had really hoped that as October drew to a close i could just calmly, quietly freewheel downhill to the end of 2023. But thats not the case, things are just getting worse.

We travelled 200 miles to stay with my elderly MIL for the weekend and to visit FIL who is in an old folks home as he has severe dementia. All going well until Saturday night my husband has a series of seizures. He gets taken to hospital and over the course of 24 hours he has numerous tests including a CT scan which shows a small leison on his brain. He is declared ok to be discharged but with emphasis being put on 'getting home the next day so our usual GP/Doctor can handle any further tests.

That all goes up in smoke when we've been at MIL's place an hour and he has another seizure. He goes back to hospital in an ambulance.

MRI and full body scan today shows he's got a brain tumor. He's going to be operated on within the week, locally here in Wales rather than back in London where we live.

Between now and then i've got to get back to London, get mine and my sons medications as we only brought enough for the originally planned 'long weekend', find legal paperwork for hubs work where it says what the company will pay, and find his Will. Oh and i've got to go on the train as we brought hubs car here (its smaller and would be very difficult to climb in and out of for him post operation) and then drive the 200 miles back in my car which is bigger as i use it for work etc.

My businesses is now effectively shut down for the rest of the year. But that right now i dont care about. I just need my husband to get through this operation.

2023 needs to be over now. I've had enough.

[nibsthefitmermaid]

STORY TIME!

I fell off a pull-up bar February 2023 and landed on my wrist. It was immediately painful, to the point that I was concerned that I had broken it. Fast forward, I get an MRI, a handful of x-rays, and no one can figure out what is wrong except that I might have a cyst. Finally I get referred to an orthopedic hand surgeon who does some more x-rays and has an AHA moment.

Don’t ask me what he diagnosed. I remember him saying something about the tri-something in my joint. He says we can try a cortisone shit and see if that helps, but then probably looking at surgery. Somewhere around August, the cortisone shot was done, I wasn’t in pain anymore, and got cleared to work out again.

Fast forward again to somewhere around February or March 2024. The pain is back with a vengeance. Go back to doctors, get temporary fixes, etc. They say there might be a cyst, there might be a bone fragment. Another MRI and some ultrasounds don’t help figure out. But in the meantime, I work on strengthening my wrist and pushing through painful ranges of motion.

Here we are, in December 2024. I still don’t have a happy ending for this story. I have a CT scheduled for tomorrow and yet another follow up with an ortho next week. Maybe one day I’ll have an answer. But today I’m happy because, despite it being painful, today I did a 70lb OHS and felt like I could probably do more.

As I said to my friend, “my heart says lift but my brain says probably not.” So I called it on a good lift and left more in the tank. Man, I can’t wait to be able to really lift again.

[hihigherdi]

I am so exhausted and emotional today. I had to drag myself to the surgeon's office to learn about the next steps, and I could barely process the information. I ended up in a Lyft talking to my sister, crying. This fatigue is unlike anything I have ever experienced and all of the sudden I got so scared again. I know it's just the second to last treatment, I know it's going to get better but today is today and all I have to do is just get through it. It's hard to picture a future today, there are so many steps - I have to get another biopsy during an MRI for something weird that they can take out during surgery if it is cancer (a non-invasive kind). I got scared it's in the lymph. nodes - I have to meet with a plastic surgeon next week. I know I am just really tired and my brain isn't working well. This is what I was warned about. Still though, it's super hot and there is a helicopter that won't stop flying around and I want to shoot it down. I hate everything.

[gavlin]

i got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks yesterday and started taking meds today. i know i got real sht with my mental health since high school. you'll know with my posts here when i was 15-19 years old (got pinned tags btw). but i kinda got over it, idk if things got better or i just got used to it, or i built up tolerance, i became numb or something. i know my mental health is not that good but i somehow powered through it, whatever i just winged it and keep winging it.

but dang this past month, i've been coming back and forth to hospital, doctor consultations and lot of tests and they can't see sht. they've been telling me it could be anxiety or stress. i somehow had a feeling that it is but there's this part of me wanting it to be just something in blood or vitamin deficiency so i will just take meds for 2 weeks max and i'll be okay. reasons for all that is i've been lightheaded for over a month now twenty four fucking seven. consistent as fuck, never left me. you know that feeling that you have a hangover? that. without the dizziness or spinning part but you're feeling something with you brain or head. then 2 weeks after i started feeling lightheaded or that hangover feeling, i started having real bad palpitations. there were days where i felt my heart palpitate for the whole day. then there's a week that i had a sudden rash on my chest, and it is spreading real bad. then there are times my hands are shaking, my toes are twitching, i am having mild cough for over a month now that doesn't go away even i took antibiotics. i became hyperaware with everything, really anxious. all of that stresses me more that it became a paradox/cycle of stress and anxiety. i'm feeling nervous because i am palpitating and i am palpitating because i am feeling nervous. i can't sleep because i am stressed, and i am stressed because i cannot sleep. i don't have a decent sleep for a month now. if i'm lucky and had 6 hours of sleep, i would still feel tired after waking up. and i am someone who always sleep for 7-8 hours because i really value my sleep. and you know what every time i wake up? the moment i wake up, literally 1 second, my heart is palpitating already like i'm on a fight and flight mode so i can't go back to sleep.

so i went to internal med/cardio. got full blood workup, different lab test including thyroid, xray, ecg, i even run for a stress test (u will run in a treadmill iydk), doctor even requested for brain mri but didn't push through because i have braces and everything is fine - didn't see sht. i'm healthy physically. sabi maybe stress or anxiety, ipahinga ko daw. e di nga ako makakapagpahinga, my body is having their mind on their own. kahit hindi na ako nagwo-worry about anything, these symptoms just keep going na ang nangyari, sa mga symptoms na ako nastress. nasstress na ko dahil isang buwan na kong parang nahihilo or what, palpitations, di makatulog, laging pagod, shaking, cough, rashes na buti naman wala na. so i asked if magcoconsult ba ko sa iba, sabi nya pwede daw sa neuro or psych. after that, dahil nasa hospital na ko, nagpacheck na din ako sa derma because my hair keep on falling out na for so many months (the thing is parang di naman ako napapanot or nababawasan ng buhok visually? pero ang daming nalalagas araw araw). derma checked all the test results, chineck scalp ko, pulang pula daw and wala ring makitang mali sa results and the reason daw bat ganon buhok ko is guess what? stress. i don't even remember being stressed on months my hair started falling out except for mild stress some times dahil sa acne. the thing is am not even sure anymore kasi nga i am winging my mental health ever since HAHHAHAHAHA. all my emotions, stress, shts, all bottled up. no one knows anything. ako lang nakakaalam lahat (that was the birth of this blog, my outlet kasi wala akong sinasabihan). so baka nga matagal na akong stressed and baka masyado na kong sanay hindi na siya nag-register na ay stressed pala ako HAHHAHAHAHA. sanay ako sa negative feelings or events whatever, sa positive feelings ako hindi so maybe di ko lang nare-realize. i just had one stressor this past month na i think naglead to all of these physical manifestations. eniweys, derma asked me questions about my lother symptoms and stuff, and after that, she suddenly asked me: do you want to have a referral for psych? when i heard that, i was like "oooh it's getting real now" hahahhahahaha. sht. i know there's something wrong with my mind but it will get real and legit if i will get a diagnosis. hindi ko na kaya i-wing wing to like chicken wings, di na kaya ng pakpak hahahahha kasi damay na physical ko my god kumawala na sya from my mind. baka ang susunod na winging ko nito, pakpak na ng kaluluwa ko papuntang langit. derma wrote on the referral letter to psych: anxiety disorder, for diagnosis and management.

the thing is gusto ko pa magpa-check sa neuro or ent or optha but doesn't make sense. all doctors referring me to psych. and i am someone that always believe in "everything happens for a reason". and if all that shts within the past month is leading me to a psych consultation, then i must take it, there's a reason. so had a consultation with psych (putangina ang mahal gago) then yun. gad. prescribed me meds na ayaw ko pa nga i-take kasi iniisip ko naman baka kaya ko ito i-power through ulit hahahah but i have physical symptoms na so i went with it. meds for mental health, you will take a long time na mahal din, consultations mahal din, so i get why people with mental heath disorder applying for pwd hindi dahil sa convenience sa pila pero tangina discount sa gamot tyaka consultations, ang mahal ng psych at hindi sya sakop ng hmo yun ang problem tangina ang mahaaaaal bat ganyan consultation fee niyo hahhahahah. eniweys that is that. i'm okay. i just wrote this post wanting to just share that i got diagnosed pero humaba na and just went with it, tuloy tuloy lang hence the way of writing sorry just vented out whatever. but again, i'm okay. ayoko lang na ma-diagnose ako nung isang araw kasi feeling ko baka i-relate ko lahat dito kahit hindi naman big deal sakin yung isang bagay. yung baka isipin ko na "ay siguro kasi may gad ako kaya ganto ganyan" pero if dati na wala kong diagnosis, baka hindi magiging big deal or hindi ko iisipin yung isang bagay and just let it be, pero baka ngayon ire-relate ko sya. alam mo yon? ayoko yung lagi kong iisipin na ay kasi baka may gad ako. ayaw ko syang gawing personality, ayaw ko irelate doon lagi, ayaw ko i-stuck yung sarili ko doon sa condition. kaya siguro i wrote about it kasi baka ngayon ko lang sya io-open up this way and i will just went on with my life. i'm open about it if may magtanong ganyan, pwede ko i-share randomly sa kwentuhan but i will not make this a big deal, i just have a condition and i'm taking care of it na. yun lang naman yung iniisip ko before the diagnosis, parang ayaw ko lang ng ganon na effect sa akin. so that is that. i'm fine. i'm okay. nothing big deal, felt something, had it checked, got diagnosed, started medication, things will be good, sana makatulog na ko nang matiwasay at mawala na hilo ko kasi yun talaga main problem ko this past month. wishing you all good mental health. power through.

[findingmypeace]

I’m feeling a little better today. I’m working from home today so it’s been very laid back. I slept in until 9:30am. That is unheard of for me (I’m very much a morning person-ideally I get up around 7-8am). Despite staying up for the NYE countdown I got more sleep in than I have in months. I guess sleep really does affect how we feel.

Eating disorder urges are still pretty strong, especially with it being resolution season. My resolution this year is to slow down and spend at least an hour a day doing something for myself AND not multitask at the same time.

I got the results of the MRI already. Everything came back as normal. Obviously I am grateful for that and at the same time I still don’t have concrete answers for why all of these things are happening to my body. I think I’m at the point where I have to admit that I did this to myself. Severe malnutrition can lead to the actual size of your brain shrinking. The good news is your brain heals with proper nutrition. The bad news is that it takes up to a year of proper nutrition to fully heal your brain. Prior to residential last summer the brain fog was so bad that I could barely finish a sentence. I would forget what I was saying it as I was saying it. I don’t want admit to myself that while things are so much better it hasn’t been enough for the brain fog to fully go away.

Another possibility is this recent discovery of ADHD. I’m on a starter dose of Dexedrine and my coworkers are already commenting on how I seem more focused. Maybe it’s a combination of the malnutrition and ADHD. I would also add that there are so many moving pieces in my life. Work, gym, therapy/dietitian, voice lessons, watching the boys, and so many more menial tasks that fall by the wayside when I have really important things to take care of.

I would never want to have something wrong with my brain but if there was, it would be a simple explanation and subsequent treatment. All the other things have a grey area where they may or may not be a part of the issue and there is no clear cut way to fix things.

[lololollywrites]

STEWING in anger today. My younger sister - she's 33 - was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 months ago, which obviously has been devastating. She is no longer able to work as a nurse, which has been a huge adjustment mentally for her (she LOVED her job in post-labor maternal care). She and her husband had only recently bought a house, but now they can barely pay their bills; he has to work extra hours, and she's home with both of my nieces, one of whom (at 8 years old) has severe behavioral issues stemming from ADHD and OCD. They've already had to file for bankruptcy. She's a wonderful mother, but the stress of it all certainly doesn't help her MS symptoms, and it all piles up (she isn't always physically able to clean the house, etc.). I live about five hours from her and come down when I can to help, but I can't do that as often as I'd like.

She's been hospitalized five times in the past year (unable to walk, with spasms and pain) and received planned infusions even more often, though has thus far only received steroid treatments because HER INSURANCE COMPANY DIDN'T COVER THE INITIAL MEDICATION SUGGESTED BY HER NEUROLOGIST, then REFUSED TO COVER THE SECOND RECOMMENDATION (after the first one was ineffective) despite it being the one they argued should have been chosen in the first place. That's meant she's only had treatment to **manage** her symptoms rather than **treat** them. For over a year. FOR A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. After more than five years of being misdiagnosed with POTS despite clearly having more going on (and a doctor's office "misplacing" an MRI from years ago that could have showed early signs). Fortunately, she recently got approval from her insurance and will begin treatments next month that will hopefully help.

But this post isn't even about that. This post is about the fact that, as she can no longer work (and briefly tried another desk job at the hospital that was also impossible due to her MS brain fog), she applied for disability. 15 MONTHS AGO. They've made her jump through SO MANY HOOPS - so much paperwork and waiting with no updates that she's been in tears more than once. My mother even contacted her state's Congress representative, who's reached out directly to the disability office to inquire as to why it's all taking so long. Without disability, she and her husband will barely be able to cover their bills, let alone save to repair the many things that need repaired in their new home or to support their children. Or even to just, you know, take a vacation for the first time in ten years to ensure their marriage is salvaged. We started a GoFundMe at the beginning, right after she was diagnosed, which was wonderful, but she doesn't want to do that again now; it feels like begging to her.

Yesterday, her disability request was denied. Who the hell knows why. It was just an instant updated status; we don't yet have the letter. She's devastated, as are all of us. It just seems incomprehensible, though apparently up to 77% of disability applicants are denied in the hope that no one appeals (about 50% do). She now has to get a lawyer and fight for what she deserves. More stress (making her symptoms worse) and more money. And more waiting.

This whole experience has just further radicalized me. I have no idea what to do. I'm just SO ANGRY.