#good thing tomorrow is a holiday
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A sketch before bed.
#gintama#hijikata toushirou#rough sketch#my art#it’s not the thank you doodle I drew by hand earlier#but it’s kinda based on it.#it’s past midnight#good thing tomorrow is a holiday
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i've been having an absolutely Hateful time lately but there are still some good things in life namely !!!!!!
-> my housemates in general but specifically them on the balcony with one of them cutting the other's hair which i can both hear a little bit (like in the background) but am also getting picture updates of on whatsapp -> having good interactions with people in stores. LOVE that shit. when u & the cashier r both in a good mood and you feel that connection 10/10 -> new pair of second hand jeans that i love. WITH an absolute slay belt. -> planning on making pancakes tonight (roommate birthday). slay.
#i dont have class tomorrow which im SO bummed out about bc i didnt have class last week bc of the holiday#but now the prof's got some family issues to attend to so obviously good for him that class is canceled#but i only have 2 classes a week and im quite dying to be honest like ok it doesnt matter its all fine#but its all adding up to my Hateful Time Lately. the strugglerrrrrrrr#i Need to do more things in mylife. somebody give me a job PLEAK#actually i will also go work on firday this week so slay at least theres that#ive got a tiny shift at the most well paying job ive ever had that is also fun to do (its at a theatre)#so im happy about that. i hope they tell me to come work for them the entire season#idec about the money i just need stuff to do (i AM also doing volunteer work btw its just not entirely what i want to be doing)#(i need to go to the oxfam bookstore on thursday and see if they need help bc i feel like that will be more fun that what im doing now)
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#ive been stressing all day about a purchase i'm not even making lol#i have mental problems sjfmsjg#no but for real i was reviewing the tablet i had decided on to buy in the distant future#and found out it's actually not very good for drawing which is the sole reason i want to get a tablet#and i got physical symptoms of anxiety and dread as if i had wasted money#on a thing I DIDN'T BUY#but then i found another tablet which is good for drawing and it's a bit more expensive#and once again i got the anxiety levels of someone being hunted for sport#for another product I DIDN'T BUY#but it's just this horrible timing thing that's making me anxious#because it's a lot of money that i have to spend on this#and I don't have a regular income#and my country's economy is hell to the point that by tomorrow the price could double without warning#and there's also there's some sales coming so maybe i should wait til then#but then also i have to catch the sale and the product i want#and also the holidays are coming so the price might spike up#and i never know when the correct time to buy anything is!!#and this folks is why I don't gamble lol#no but for real... i have been panicking all day and I don't even have a proper reason#i could also live without the tablet very well so it feels like a waste of money in general#so...#i have issues with spending money...#especially because I don't know when it's gonna be the next time i get work#could be next week... could be in six months... could be never again...#if i just could get hired for a proper project woth a decent pay...#ahhh the dream :')#ok i'm gonna go to bed now (if my stupid ear '''''infection'''''' lets me...)#life is hell but at least i got to boop people today <3#angel talks#personal
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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I finished my first week at my new job and I'm curious as to how training is going to go. I'm having a pretty good time so far but we haven't actually gotten into the work.
#good thing abt a government job tho is I get paid for federal holidays#I am going to make stuff tomorrow!
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Merry Christmas!!!!! (if you celebrate!!)
Our gifts! Flowey’s is on the right and mine on the left. Hope you like them:
Merry Christmas!
#undertale#flowey#art#small artist#ask flowey#ask blog#ask undertale#undertale art#paper art#undertale fanart#nyanthenyan#nyan#Christmas#gifts#good art#art exchange#thank you very much#happy holidays#break from the main blog stream#probably the only thing I’m doing today but I’ll answer more holiday related questions tomorrow
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life lifes hard when your birthday aligns with the busiest days of the school year that celebrating feels really awkward and time-consuming. Your friends would like to, but they're also busy so you have to figure out how to mention it. Your family drags it out for too long that you end up being irritated about the 5 full assignments due in 3 hours. You get weirdly existential but you can't mention it to anyone, really, so you're feeling all that as you go through the day.
Then life lifes harder when you look back to see the fading magic of your birthday from your childhood. You wish it to return, really.
#life lifes hard#birthday#its been a day#it's gonna get longer since i have to be up by 6:30am tomorrow#and i actually have so many assignments and emails to send that i will be up for a while#I haven't even eaten dinner because it's stressful and i'm not hungry as well#vent post#There's a weird preconception that you have to have a good day on your birthday#every birthday (or days before that)#something has gone wrong for me#and it's hilarious that people want me to be so happy when they're actively making situations so much harder#I'm just tired of it yk#i appreciate everyone who's celebrating and helping out... pls don't get me wrong#but it's just been so so hard when it feels like my birthday is a holiday that i need to accommodate for others#idk if you relate feel free to talk on the tags#it's better to talk about things than not at all#long tags#school#academia#academics#college#writeblr
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Using my journal isnt helping so tumblr as my journal it is
#obviously the actual entry goes in the tags#i can feel a grief day rearing its head#I’m so tired too#fuck#i just#i want things to be good for longer than a week#i need to get through today and then tomorrow I can wallow and curl up and do whatever#ive pulled cards that warn I need protection but from what#maybe myself but like#in the way of me being stupid or me being too stubborn to feel this?#is it because of Halloween?#is it anticipatory of the holidays after Halloween?#every time I relax i feel like I’m drifting#is it me clinging too hard to control? like am I unable to relax because that feels like danger?#or is it something else#add the physical pain that comes with the seasons changing and the sudden (needed!!) uptick in hours and i just#i feel like I’m floundering and i know I’m not#life is good and yet I feel like I’m seconds away from wobbling right over a cliff#i dont know what to do with that!!!#fuck i just miss him so much#and i dont know who to talk to#i feel so small today#I’m doing my best and i keep telling myself thats okay thats okay thats all i can do and yet#and yet and yet and yet#for my therapist#or whatever the tag was#grief
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well it's been awhile since i last reached a point of crying from pain - less from the actual pain itself and more the frustration over it not going away - but it's nice to see that things always reach the point of me leaning on the wall in the shower half screaming half groaning bc what else do i even have left to do abt this shit.
#took another ibuprofen but it's probably too much but idk what else to do bc i need to go to sleep soon#already took a sleeping pill but i don't think it can work when the pain's filling me with adrenaline and is also very annoying#i hate this sm#this isn't even the same type of pain i used to have#this is a temporary thing for sure#but i can't treat it bc i don't actually have time to go to the doctor tomorrow#and wednesday is a holiday#thursday too. only at friday would i be able to. but the clinic closes super early that day bc sabbath#i was hoping it'll go away by today bc it usually does atp but it didn't. and i'm so mad.#bc realistically speaking i'll have to put up with this until after monday#bc only on monday i'd be able to actually see a doctor. if there's even any available. bc my doctor recently left this clinic too#i hate this sm i truly hate it here (my shitty ass body that should've died and gotten swallowed by nature years ago)#Anyway.#vent#medical //#ask to tag#sorry for all the vent posts lately. as you can see. things are not good
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שִׁמְע֤וּ דְבַר־יְהֹוָה֙ גּוֹיִ֔ם וְהַגִּ֥ידוּ בָאִיִּ֖ים מִמֶּרְחָ֑ק וְאִמְר֗וּ מְזָרֵ֤ה יִשְׂרָאֵל֙ יְקַבְּצֶ֔נּוּ וּשְׁמָר֖וֹ כְּרֹעֶ֥ה עֶדְרֽוֹ׃
כֹּ֣ה ׀ אָמַ֣ר יְהֹוָ֗ה ק֣וֹל בְּרָמָ֤ה נִשְׁמָע֙ נְהִי֙ בְּכִ֣י תַמְרוּרִ֔ים רָחֵ֖ל מְבַכָּ֣ה עַל־בָּנֶ֑יהָ מֵאֲנָ֛ה לְהִנָּחֵ֥ם עַל־בָּנֶ֖יהָ כִּ֥י אֵינֶֽנּוּ׃
כֹּ֣ה ׀ אָמַ֣ר יְהֹוָ֗ה מִנְעִ֤י קוֹלֵךְ֙ מִבֶּ֔כִי וְעֵינַ֖יִךְ מִדִּמְעָ֑ה כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֤ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ נְאֻם־יְהֹוָ֔ה וְשָׁ֖בוּ מֵאֶ֥רֶץ אוֹיֵֽב׃
וְיֵשׁ־תִּקְוָ֥ה לְאַחֲרִיתֵ֖ךְ נְאֻם־יְהֹוָ֑ה וְשָׁ֥בוּ בָנִ֖ים לִגְבוּלָֽם׃
(הפתרה לראש השנה יום שני) ירמיהו ל״א
✡️✡️ !!שנה טובה!! עם ישראל חי🍎🍯📜
#good stuff from tomorrows haftarah#jeremy baby you just get me :')#shanah tova#torah torah torah!#rosh hashanah#jewish holidays#jewish things#jumblr#uch the 10 day cleanse has begun. time for follow through :/
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who else up feeling the soul-numbing empty hopelessness for absolutely no reason this friday night
#literally nothing bad even happened to me personally today cannot emphasize this enough#i just read one too many of the Wrong wikipedia articles during the period after the sun went down at fucking 4 pm or whatever and then#my brain just decided it was time to replay the biggest hits of the great 2020-2022 depressive episode for fun i guess#and now i’m having. a series of moments. over a series of ridiculous things#again not even specific things that have actually happened to me just the whole vague existential dread deal i guess#truly i haven’t felt this shitty without some kind of direct cause for a year and half at this point#which is having the semi-beneficial side effect of reminding me to appreciate just how good my mental health has been recently#like. remember how i used to just feel like this all the time for. actually most of my life Until a year and a half ago? damn that’s crazy#i hope i snap out of this lmao i really cannot deal with walking into the holidays as a hollow shell of a person#but i think i’ll be fine tomorrow actually pretty sure i’m just kind of sleep deprived after this week#caseyposting
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youtube
Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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Second day of running off of coffee and spite only
#this week of camp is always the busiest. i have something that goes late into the night every night#im exhausted and want to spend time with friends and other people#especially because this is my last year. but its fine!#theyre good and important things that i love im just tired#tonight im telling the pegend of our camp's beginnings#i used to tell it and then passed it on to someone#but since this is my last year he asked if i want to do it one last time#and i really fucking do. so ive been practicing and im excited but its also bittersweet and kinda difficult#idk. the woman that passed it on to me was super important to me but is now no longer in my life#so im feeling some weird things about that#also tomorrow is Christmas in July (a secret santa we do with staff) and im so fucking excited#x in j is my favorite holiday ever in the world#and i have a good friend of mine. i just hope the person that has me actually cares#its my last year at camp and i just really want a nice x in j as my last#im so tired i resorted to the black coffee in the dining hall. i drank it so fast#i wiuld love to go to sleep but after i tell the legend tonight i have to work on x inj#and i love to procrastinate so i cant work on it until my gf comes back to camp with the materials that i need#(im just gonna vent now. even though thats all ive been doing)#its my last year and im so burnt out but i love it here so its hard#and everyone keeps trying to convince me to come back next year. its hard. its not easy. im tired and want to go home#but i also want to be here and i want to be enjoying myself here and i wish i ciuld come back forever#but also coming back forever sounds like hell#im just tired and wanted to yap idk goodbye
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//im in the mood to reply stuff BUT IM ALREADY EEPY QAQ
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having the unexpected urge to write at midnight but choosing sleep...
#ooc. local tangerine spawn#tbd.#( which is a good thing!!#bc my weekend was so unexpectedly hectic#tomorrow- despite the holiday#will be way more on my typical schedule for me )
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just told my not-boyfriend whatever person that ive been referring to him as my partner at work bc i was not about to explain our weird fwb situation to professional office company, especially when it includes 50 something year old men
and he.......was okay with it..........
not sure what to make of this
#like i specifically spent the majority of my therapy session this week deciding NOT to inform him of this#bc of the potential for it to blow up into a ~thing#which would be very inopportune bc im in a really good place rn and WE are trending very positive in our interactions and he's been#very much leaning in lately#and historically if i push a boundary that makes him pull back HARD#and there was this whole other layer of our office holiday party being tomorrow and him having offered to go (a shock in and of itself!!!)#but before he was able to go i would have to tell him this and it just wasnt worth it to mess up the place we're at#but my therapist told me i still have to go to the party bc being a big girl and learning how to socialize without a crutch (booooo!!!!)#but even after i told him i had decided to go on my own i still felt sooooooooo guilty#its not even like its a lie!!!! but its enough of a lie to not REALLY be the truth and i couldnt stand it ssbbhfdsdgjjjjj#so i told him and he's just like 'eh that's what everyone thinks anyway thats what they all would have assumed if i went to the party 🤷'#and like!!!!! so true bestie!!!!!! but if thats nbd for everyone to think that then why isnt it just........true.......yknow#walks like a duck talks like a duck looks like a duck CAN CALL IT A DUCK???? whats left to it not being a duck
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