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yuyuntianyu · 3 years

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[2HA analysis blog] To love you is torment but leave you I cannot

I wanted to write this (hopefully not-too-long) blog to give 2HA fandom a different perspective of the events in the past timeline. I noticed that there are many little things that could not be carried over to the English language. These little things can give more explanations to our characters’ actions so I hope sharing this would help the novel make more sense. This blog focuses on Taxian-jun and Chu Fei.

Warning: Spoilers ! ! ! Taxian-jun and Chu Fei are their own trigger warnings ! ! !

Despite the novel having 350 chapters, we really know little about what happened between Taxian-jun and Chu Fei besides the abuse and mistreatment and that little is relayed to us by the Most Unreliable Narrator of the Cultivation World - Mo Ran Mo Weiyu. If we only take Mo Ran for his words then a lot of his and Chu Wanning’s decisions told later on would seem irrational and almost silly. So let’s dive deep in the past so we can understand how the great cultivator Beidou Xian-zun could raise such a dumb husky since the events in the past would explain the more irrational decisions made by both main characters.

Given Mo Ran’s narrator is about as reliable as his character in the first 120 chapters, we have to look at other more subtle clues and some of them are due to cultural and linguistic differences.

1. I used to like you a lot

At his coronation day, Taxian-jun stated that he once greatly looked up to Chu Wanning and that he used to love and respect him dearly. Maybe I am reading into this too much but this is my theory: The flower could erase the memory itself but cannot erase the feelings associated with the memory. He had his memories of the good deeds Chu Wanning did for him erased but still remembered that he used to love and respect him. It doesn’t make sense unless it is indeed that the flower could not erase its host’s feelings. So throughout the novel, Mo Ran’s complicated emotions are complicated possibly because he could not remember how he came to have these feelings. Similarly, Hua Binan could mess with the undead Taxian-jun’s memory to a great extent but could not erase his obsession with Chu Wanning.

2. I gave you a new title

Chu Fei. 楚妃. In the Imperial Chinese harem hierarchy, “Fei” means consort and not concubine (嬪 “Pín"). Consorts were highly respected positions in the palace weidling much political power and were only seconds to the Empress Consort. Another major difference is a consort would be married to the emperor while a concubine would not. So if Taxian-jun had truly wanted to only humiliate Chu Wanning and keep him for the carnal pleasures (I am intentionally ignoring his breeding kink completely), he would keep him as a concubine but he gave Chu Wanning the Consort title and hid him from the world. At this point, Taxian-jun had almost lost Chu Wanning once and had spent a lot of effort to bring him back from the verge of death after hearing Chu Wanning’s apology so his anger might have softened a bit. Also, given that Chu Wanning is a man, having a legitimate offspring ( (I am still intentionally ignoring Mo Ran's breeding kink completely) is not an issue so although this is not clearly stated, I believe Taxian-jun wanted to force a relationship and somewhat proper marriage on Chu Wanning. Another hint of this is in an Extra chapter where Taxian-jun tried to get Chu Wanning a birthday gift. He recalled that in his past timeline, he had wanted Chu Wanning to give him something on his birthday as well and that he had wanted Chu Wanning’s heart.

3. Shizun likes to write letters and poems

On Book 3 Chapter 247, Chu Wanning sat down and wrote a few unsent letters to the people he used to know. He also wrote a few lines of poetry. In the first few lines taken from different literature works, he expressed his sense of helplessness and his wish to remain untainted despite the circumstances. The more important two lines are from a poem written by a real poet named Fàn Chéngdà ( 范成大) who lived in the 12th century Southern-Song dynasty. The two lines read:

“May I be like the stars, may you* be as the moon. Night after night, may we shine together side by side.” **

*In the original work, the character used instead of you is “jun” 君 (as in 踏仙君 Taxian-jun). 君 could mean king, emperor, lord, or gentleman ** This is my rough translation - I haven’t found an English version of this poem

These two lines are commonly used in romantic novels as a way to express one’s unchanging love and loyalty to another person despite the circumstances. He compared himself as the stars and wanted to remain by Taxian-jun whom he viewed as the moon. Chu Wanning wrote this to express his willingness to stay but he would never voice this out loud. In the next timeline, he did the same thing by quietly loving and caring for Mo Ran 1.0 despite the mistreatment and was content with never expressing his feelings vocally. Mo Ran was rather uneducated and thus could not fully comprehend these two lines and misunderstood that Chu Wanning was missing Xue Meng.

4. You are all I have left

In chapter 252, after Chu Wanning returned to The Red Lotus Pavilion, he found Taxian-jun already waiting for him. Taxian-jun told Chu Wanning about a dream he had and said:

“I am afraid I don’t resent you… I want to resent you… Otherwise, I…” “In the end, it’s just you and I”.

This is not the first time he expressed that Chu Wanning was all he had left or they only had each other. I believe that at this point, Taxian-jun might have somewhat believed Chu Wanning and recognized that his memories were missing. His words and behaviors seemed a lot more gentle and he mentioned they did have periods of time where their marriage was easier. I believe it was after this point. He told us about the numerous times he attempted to spoil his consort or expressed his affection through gifts, a trip outside the palace, goods, jewels, and even teaching Chu Wanning how to cook or personally taking care of Chu Wanning when he was sick. At one point, Taxian-jun expressed his wish for a more peaceful marriage with Chu Wanning through his breeding kink by saying that if they had children, perhaps they would be more civil towards each other.

Edit: I really wanted to go about this blog without having to refer to their particular taste in bed

5. Are you still mad?

This is a smaller detail but in the original text and the Vietnamese official translation, the way they talked to each other had a bit more of the “husband-wife” dynamic. Especially Chu Wanning ( l┐(︶▽︶)┌ ), the comment section said he sounded like when your wife is mad that you didn’t take out the trash but still says: “I’m not mad” and Taxian-jun, the husband, would come around and ask “Are you still mad at me?” after every fight.

6. I did not think you would really leave me.

On Chapter 99, Mo Ran recalled the fight between him and Chu Wanning after an assassination attempt. In order to convince Mo Ran to not go to Taxue Palace, Chu Wanning said:

“If you destroy Taxue palace, if you kill Xue Meng, I will die before you”.

Now the line “I will die before you” in my language is less of a suicidal ideation but more of a threat. It's used when a person already knows that they are important to the other person and is using their own death as a threat to make the other person do something. This line is thrown around a lot during heated arguments between people close to each other but they almost never mean it. (Even my mom said it numerous times before T_T . I personally think it’s manipulative). Therefore, it is understandable Taxian-jun did not take this line seriously and replied almost mockingly. After all, they had been married for almost a decade at that point, Taxian-jun probably felt somewhat comfortable that Chu Wanning would not do anything reckless. He could not foresee that Chu Wanning meant what he said and actually followed through with his words. I believe that if Taxian-jun had known that Chu Wanning was serious, Taxian-jun would not have gone to Taxue Palace. 7. Don't leave me, ok?

Then Chu Wanning died and Mo Ran spent two years alone. In those two years, we know he basically went insane because of grief, talked to a corpse everyday, and deep fried his Empress Consort. But strangely enough, Mo Ran 1.0 did not immediately mention this after being reborn although it was the main reason he committed suicide. And at that point, it had been well over a decade since Shi Mei faked his death in the past timeline, yet Mo Ran 1.0 seemed to still hold a lot of resentment towards Chu Wanning. Also, he said he could accept Shi Mei’s death but would never accept Chu Wanning’s. So honestly, it did not make sense to me the first time I read the novel and I believed Mo Ran resented Chu Wanning for a different reason.

The answer was first hinted at in chapter 9 when Mo Ran scolded the sleeping Chu Wanning. He called Chu Wanning a donkey hoof (lol) and this is actually an idiom to scold someone who is disloyal and unfaithful in love. The puzzles came together when the undead Taxian-jun showed up and immediately went after Chu Wanning (and not Shi Mei). He believed Chu Wanning used his death to hurt him and was angry at Chu Wanning for leaving him. This is the resentment Mo Ran 1.0 carried over to the next timeline. He hated Chu Wanning for abandoning him. This is solidified in chapter 262 by the undead Taxian-jun pleading to Chu Wanning:

“Don’t betray me” “Don’t leave me the second time. The first time you left, I could choose death as a relief. This time, even death is not an option any more… I won’t be able to bear it…”

So there it is! I hope this blog brings some new information and feel free to discuss! Let me know if you have any questions for me ＼(￣▽￣)／

Disclaimer: Plenty of this is my conclusion drawn from the already ambiguous original text and various translations. Unless Meatbun says it, it’s not canon. I am looking at the novel in three different languages so I might have made some mistakes. Pls forgive. Also, I am not making excuses for Mo Ran 0.5’s actions nor am I justifying the abuse in any way. Chu Wanning never said Mo Ran 0.5 was innocent of these crimes nor will I.

#2ha #the husky and his white cat shizun #chu wanning #mo ran #mo weiyu #ranwan #taxian jun #chu fei #erha #husky is dumb but husky tried his best

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feelingofcontent · 3 years

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DNP Rewatch: CASPAR JOINS THE PHILLUMINATI

Date video was published: 03/21/2016 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 302

I have no memory of this video. There are some that I just never watch regularly. Phil tweeted about hanging out with Caspar back on March 10 (with disturbing face swap), so that’s when they filmed this.

0:00 - Phil having his guest hide as usual. I love the emoji annotation and that he makes him “make a noise.” This intro is very classic Phil.

0:18 - on-camera hugs seem so strange for Phil

0:20 - I mean...they had at least met before I would assume, like when Dan had the creep-shot war with him at a convention. But maybe not a “proper hang out.”

0:25 - fanboy-ing over Phil as you should. Phil looks so pleased. 🥺

0:32 - did people think there was no time between videos...what

0:40 - “like bros” does not sound like something Phil would ever actually say

0:47 - of course it’s a pun. Caspar looks vaguely scared

0:56 - Phil loves a quiz about himself 😂

1:00 - lol at him having notecards! That’s an easy start if Caspar does actually watch his videos

1:03 - Phil’s so disappointed

1:06 - Caspar muttering “what the fuck” at that one hahaha

1:08 - Phil is not pleased. That was a very emphatic “NOooo”

1:18 - awww, he’s attempting to justify it

1:30 - I would love to know what noise Phil thinks describes himself

1:39 - “in a dark alley” ...why

1:43 - what even is that name

1:53 - Phil’s idea of what “cool” names are is so specific and consistent over the years

2:09 - 5 seconds is not enough time for any amount of drawing

2:20 - the nose and the hair are something

2:36 - oh, I would hate this. Phil looks like he regrets this idea too

2:47 - Phil thinking Caspar is the one saying strange things...alrighty

2:54 - somewhat interesting that these are the “categories” Phil thinks make a good friend - knowledge, trust, reliability

3:01 - Caspar seems to have much more hand-eye coordination than Phil would, lol

3:09 - or not, although Phil was being very trick-sy

3:16 - blob fish plushie from Dan! It is not the cutest animal, for sure

3:22 - Caspar is spending 80% of this video so confused

3:35 - "this is the training exercise” Phil making his guest play hide-and-seek

3:49 - love that he now has a handheld camera to record this. The “upset” acting is not quite selling it 😂

3:57 - that’s the “wolf” I suppose, ahahaha

4:11 - “I’m naked not now!” wtf Dan. 😂😂😂 But I think this is a reference to this tweet from back in 2014 when Caspar apparently came to their house before

4:27 - Phil is not doing a great job fitting behind that chair

4:39 - awww, sad face

4:52 - ooo, that did not sound good. I wonder what he managed to knock down

5:09 - the touching-on-camera contrast from DNP joint videos stands out so much

5:20 - the video on Caspar’s channel is privated now

Can’t say this is one of my favorite Phil videos, but I do love Phil making people answer questions about himself. 😂

#dan and phil #dnp #dnpRewatch #amazingphil #phil lester #amazingphil videos #CASPAR JOINS THE PHILLUMINATI

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lokis-omnistrose · 3 years

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For My First Trick....er... Post!

I thought I would give a little info about me. Heads-up: If you dislike any of this, you can either put up with it or kindly find the door, because while I will happily entertain intelligent debate/ discussion, telling me I'm wrong for my beliefs (note I said "beliefs". Telling me I'm wrong because I'm misinformed and actively have my *facts* wrong is welcome and encouraged. See below for more) is bigoted, rude, and toxic and will not be entertained. Yes, I sound like a B**** for that, but hey, gotta be honest off the bat, right?

If you're interested in learning more about me...

- I'm Omnist, raised Roman Catholic. What does that mean? Well, it means I'm royally effed up lol. Really, though, it means I was raised in the RC tradition, so have a lot of RC beliefs ingrained in me. However, due to past traumas, you could say I 'lost my faith'. I started believing that I was being punished for something, then realised I had done nothing to be punished for, so wondered why I was being treated the way I was. I drifted away from RC, and gradually found Athena and Artemis and comfort. Over the years, I also discovered the Morrigan, along with multiple others, and found that I believed in multiple pantheons - aka Omnist (not devoted to a specific religion, but religious to a degree).

In recent months, I've started to find that more and more things have been guiding me toward Loki, and have accepted him as my chief male god (until recently, I only followed female gods, mainly a coincidence, but slightly intentional), though strangely, Thor and Odin followed. So yeah, I'm kinda mixed up lol.

- I believe strongly in the number 3. Maybe because of my Catholic upbringing, I feel a strong bond with the number 3 and 'holy trinities'. Triple Goddesses have always meant a lot to me, and I find it no coincidence or surprise that when Loki found me, Thor and Odin followed. My avatar symbol is actually the Triskelion/ Triskele, or a version of the triskeles, which is often used as a representative symbol for triple deities. I became somewhat obsessed with it years ago when I had recently become hooked on symbology, and it's been important to me ever since.

- My 'spirit animals' are wolves and ravens, the latter being most prominent. I've always been drawn to wolves for some reason, but ravens are ever-present in my life in one way or another. If you see me anywhere online, there's a solid chance I either have ravens in my username, avatar or character (skin or accessory), or some version of the word (other language, derivative, etc).

- I change hobbies faster than most people change underpants. Any day you ask, there's a good chance I've either picked up or dropped a hobby. It can be anything, from something as relatively normal as painting to something as relatively unusual as studying grammatical similarities between languages (yes, that's a real one that comes and goes).

- However, the ones that stay are singing, writing, music in general, Marvel/ some DC (yes, I cross the divide, though DC characters just don't interest me as much as a whole, however there are a few I adore), gaming - though I can't actually play video games often because of issues with my hands, crafting, paganism (both as a study and as a practice, to a degree), human rights and their history, mythology, the paranormal, cooking/ food, and herbology.

- I'm Pansexual, but grey-ace. Basically, that means I can be attracted to anyone, regardless of gender, but sexual attraction isn't something I experience on a regular basis. I can go from 'I'mma jump him/ her/ them before long' to 'make me think about sex again and I will throw up' (no exaggeration there). As a result, relationships can be a minefield for me because I desperately want to give love to people, but my drive is about as unpredictable as lightning, so I'm always afraid I'm gonna disappoint whoever I'm with by not being 'enough'. I get the feeling that's likely a common feeling for people like me, so I seek to be open and share with people, because ours isn't a very commonly heard perspective.

- I do not accept bullying. Whether it be of me or of anyone on my blog, anyone I see being bullied online, or (if I feel I can safely step in) irl, I will put a stop to it, or at least try. I've been there, and I know how much it can mess you up for life if it's persistent, and I am not about to stand by and let someone be picked on. If you pick on someone in my comments, prepare to be blocked and/ or named and shamed, and if you send an abusive/ bullying ask, you will receive the same. If anonymous, I may highlight it to show what an immature blockhead you are, but I'm not going to stoop to being abusive. You will be taken down, but I will do so by pointing out every flaw in your ask, not by stooping to your level.

- I welcome everyone, as long as you're nice. Got a question? Go right ahead and ask! Got a suggestion! Lemme know! Wanna be friends? 100%! (though don't expect me to reliably message back and forth because my memory is so crap, I can't guarantee that. I've never had many friends and I'm very introverted, so friendship is not something i'm all that smart about lol).

- I read a crapton of fanfic. Literally most of my followed accounts are fanfic because they inspire me for my own. I don't mean that in the sense that I poach ideas, but more that they help me get back into the groove of wanting to write, and then ideas start moving again. I'll read about a character falling off a wall and suddenly a character I had lost my mojo for will go 'that's a dumb thing to do. Why didn't they just stand against the railing?' and I'll be back in the right mindset to write for them again about the flu I got halfway through writing and got stuck on.

- I write a crapton of fanfic that never gets posted. I literally have well over 100 stories in progress. Most are Marvel, BTS or The Walking Dead, but there are others, and I have more ideas in my head. I have posted some on another account on here (and hey, you may even know me from there, but shhhhh), but most of it is just idle writing that I write for the sake of it, with no real intention to ever post. I don't do it for an audience, but for something to do and to work out my past (and present) issues, so it's common for a story to have elements of abuse or the like which I don't often like to subject people to, so don't bother posting. Not to mention, they never get finished. I have a bit of an unintentional policy that I don't finish stories, because you never know when you'll have another idea for them. That's also why I have some stories with up to 5 different versions. I'll write one scene, but there'll be 5 different ways it could go, so I just write all 5 and go from there.

That's all I can think of for now, but this'll be added to as I think of more, so I'll post if I update this, so people know (if anyone's following). Bye for now, lovelies!

#about me #who i am #facts about myself #bio

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1185

survey by xflirtykaosx

Alphabetti Spaghetti (3/3)

Please believe. - P

How many pages did the last book you read have? I don’t even remember the last time I opened it; but if I have to guess, it’s probably anywhere between 600–800 pages.

What do you like on your pancakes? Soaked in butter, with peanut butter and maple syrup on the side. My dad will also sometimes mix bacon into the batter, and it always turns out delicious.

Do you like small parties or large parties more? I love going to any kind of party, but I like large ones just a little bit more just because it’s easier to blend in and go unnoticed for the most part. I usually feel pressured at smaller parties.

What was the last exam you passed in? I have no idea. Maybe a history exam? I remember taking a Rizal exam right before the pandemic started and I never got the results for that since classes were canceled shortly after. I’ll never know if I actually passed that test haha.

Do you think paw prints are cute? Yesssssss.

How much would you pay a neighbour to do your lawn? We have someone in the village who does that, and my mom usually gives him a tip of I would guess around ₱100.

Ordinary pens, scented pens, gel pens or felt tip pens? Ordinary. The other ones write horribly.

Are you a people person? I’ve grown to be one over the years. I do like my alone time, but I have the most fun with a person or two or ten around me.

Do you put pepper on your scrambled eggs? No. I never use pepper myself, actually.

Who, except yourself, has the nicest pet? Angela’s, at least one of her dogs are. Hailey is super nice and she doesn’t really care what you do with her hahahaha.

What's your favourite piece of clothing? Right now, probably my IVP sneakers since they’re my newest purchase. Other than that, my mom jeans are always super reliable.

What place have you gone to that you never would again? Police stations that I had to visit to cover stories for my journalism classes. Maybe it’s other people’s passion – and I thought it was mine at one point, too – but once I found myself in places like that I slowly realized that I didn’t have the fire for journalism I once thought I had.

What do others seem to have plenty of and you have little or none? Nice photos of themselves. I’m very camera shy.

Is pink a nice colour, an okay colour or icky? I personally love pink, so.

Give me a description of a great film plotline? ...I don’t feel like it :(( I also haven’t watched/rewatched any films in a while, so my memory is a bit rusty.

What do you have in your pockets? Nothing I’m wearing right now has pockets.

Do you listen to podcasts? Not really. I’m part of the minority that finds podcasts a little boring.

Have you ever played Poker? I’d guess I’ve tried playing it one or two times, but I’ve never understood the rules and I probably just did some random moves when I did try it.

Do you have a pond in your garden? No.

How about a swimming pool? We don’t.

Do you like Poptarts? I loooooove Pop Tarts and I wish we had more flavors here :( and that they weren’t so expensive.

Do you write notes on post-it notes? Sometimes; but lately I’ve mostly just been making to-do lists on my laptop. Writing takes too much time considering how hectic my job is.

Quiet darling, shh. - Q

Do you ever use the word quaint? Very rarely. I never really get into situations where that word would be most fitting to use.

Do you know what quantum physics is? I know of the term from watching The Big Bang Theory, but I don’t know what it refers to.

Are you a quiet or loud person? Depends on the people I’m with, my general mood, and my level of comfort.

Do you usually ask a lot of questions? I never do. I feel like that’s a weakness of mine, too. My mind never wanders too far, and I’m only able to recognize good questions when someone else raises them.

What's your favourite quote from a film? “Rome. By all means, Rome.”

Favourite quote from a song? “Now I’m told this is life, and pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it.”

Are you quick witted? In what aspect? Not always; but yeah, I guess it comes out sometimes. I’m pretty good at witty or funny comebacks, especially with people I’m comfortable with.

Do you find the word queer offensive? Er, no?

Roses are Red and Romance is dead. - R

Do you listen to the radio often? I used to, since I once drove to school everyday and I liked having the radio on - especially in the morning, since there was a morning program I was hooked to. But now that I’m at home 24/7, I don’t really tune in anymore; I don’t even have the slightest clue what songs are trending rn.

Do you prefer rain or snow? We only get rain, so.

Have you ever ran into someone and injured you or them due to it? Fortunately no, for both circumstances.

Do you listen to rap music? K-Pop groups always have their own rap sub-unit, so yeah I’ve definitely been more exposed to rap these days.

Do you find pet rats gross or nice? Why? I guess it’s cute when they’re pets, since I’m sure they’re harmless. Not so much when they’re big black filthy rats that are house pests and probably carrying a lot of diseases.

Have you ever been to a rave? No. I’d love to experience it once.

Are you somewhat of a rebel? Nah.

How about reckless? Now this hits the spot more, especially when it comes to money lol

Do you prefer red, black or purple dresses? Black, then red, then purple. I don’t wear a lot of the latter to begin with.

Do you know how to reload a gun? I don’t; I’ve never even held a real gun before.

Do you remember your first best friends Mum's name? I don’t think I ever met her mom. Our friendship was super short-lived and didn’t go beyond preschool.

Do you have a good or a bad reputation? Idk, you’d have to ask other people for this I think.

What song do you request most often on the radio? I’ve never requested a song to radio stations.

Do you prefer rice or tofu? I need rice for literally every meal, otherwise it won’t feel filling. I like tofu too, but I only have it occasionally when it comes with some dishes.

Have you ever held a rifle? Nope.

Do you know a Robert? What's he like? I have an uncle-in-law named Robert. He’s very nice, and super intelligent; he’s from New Zealand but currently lives with my aunt and their family in Vietnam. Since he’s from a different country, he has lots of fun stories and different perspectives to share at family reunions, which makes me always want to sit at whichever table he’s at so that I can be part of interesting conversations.

Do you like rollercoasters? No.

Been to Rome, Italy? Nope.

Are Roses your favourite flower? They’re one of them.

So sweetheart, lets fan. - S

Do you feel safe in your neighbourhood? Yeah, I mean that’s kind of the whole point in living in a gated village. I’d be pretty alarmed if I ever hear of a crime happening here.

Whose the Patron Saint of your Country? St. Lorenzo Ruiz. I actually didn’t know that for a fact, so thanks for the Google search and impromptu lesson!

Do you put salt on your fries? Yessssssss, I need my fries to be very salty. Unless it was already seasoned with something else, I’d find it boring if it wasn’t salty enough.

Do you think we are all born the same? In some ways, yes; in some ways, no. I know everyone is born as humans worthy of love and respect, but when it comes to factors like privilege then that’s when circumstances start to get all different.

When did you stop believing in Santa? I never bought it. I used to always get frustrated that I was never allowed to meet Santa (none of my relatives ever played as him), and that he apparently just likes to leave gifts at midnight. Not seeing a Santa made me doubt and eventually I just kinda stopped buying it by the time I was like 5.

Do you think the name Sarah is pretty? Erm, it’s fine but I find it a little common.

Is Saturday your favourite day of the week? Fridays are, but Saturdays are a very close second.

Have you ever watched Saved By The Bell? Opinions? Nope.

What about the Saw films? Opinion? I haven’t, but I know they’re my eldest cousin’s favorite so it must be a good series.

Are you easily scared? In certain ways. I hate jumpscares for one, and I easily get offended by them.

What's your secondary language, if any? English.

Name all the things you can see from where you're sitting? The entirety of my bedroom.

What's the last sentence you spoke out loud? “JAY KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY”

Have you changed your default settings on your computer? Some of them just to change some aspects of the appearance, but I didn’t do a complete overhaul.

What year did you turn seven in? 2005.

How important is sex in a relationship how important is sex from 1-10? For me, probably like a 3 or 4.

What is your favourite shade of blue? Sky or royal.

Shade of Purple? BTS purple, I guess? Hahaha.

Favourite shape? I don’t have one.

Do you know a girl called Sharon? Nope.

How about Shari? Nope.

Do you shave your arms, legs, pubic hair and/or somewhere else? I shave, but not all of these areas.

When was the last time you were sick? May 2020 was the last time I felt like death.

What's the worst side effects you've had due to a medication? I’ve never gone through side effects from a medication.

What does your signature look like? A very lazy scribble of the first and last letters of my whole name.

Do you like silk? What do you own that is silk? It’s okay, but I never actively search for it. I have one set of silk pajamas but that’s it.

Do you sip or drink hot drinks fast? As much as possible I don’t like getting in contact with hot beverages. I wait for them to cool down considerably before I take my first sip.

How about with alcohol? Sure, I like to take them fast so that I don’t feel the nasty burn on my tongue.

Do you have sisters? How many, what ages and what're they called? Nina is turning 21 this year.

Is your grandmother older than sixty five? Both of them are, yeah.

Do you slam doors often? Nope.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face? For what reason? Yes. Because he had slapped me first. I was in so much shock that my first and only instinct was to hit back.

Do you snack a lot or just eat big meals? I like letting myself go hungry then reward myself with a very generous serving to eat in one go.

Do you smile more often, or frown? Smile.

Are you wearing socks? No, I haven’t worn any in a while.

Do you say sorry too often? Yes.

What's a sound that always soothes you? This. I always play it before turning in, or when I need to calm down.

Do you carry a lot of spare change? How much is on you now? Not so much anymore, since I’ve been increasingly going cashless.

Do you own a swimsuit of the Speedo brand? I don’t think so.

Do you like sunflowers? They have a personal meaning to me, so yes. It’s not my ultra favorite, though.

#survey #surveys #i just realized the author never wrapped this up :(#so i guess we're stopping this at S hahahaha

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system-of-a-feather · 4 years

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So having a subsystem is interesting

[Disclaimer: This is very “our experience” based and not meant to be educational. This is conjecture and is thoughts that have not been passed with our therapist; take this with a grain of salt as our experiences and not as facts or reflections of all DID / OSDD]

This isn’t actually anything relevant to anything currently going on in our life - in fact due to stress, I haven’t been the most in communication with the system or subsystem save for Lucille and another alter - but I was thinking about it and having a system within a system is interesting.

Cause as it is, our system as a whole is a DID system, very firmly. I used to be like “well our amnesia isn’t that bad” but at this point, having my therapist comment on stuff the alters said and having it be hardly anything close to, having more information to an unreasonable level, and / or being entirely new news to me and just a lot of other things, the dissociation between parts - ESPECIALLY outside of the few minutes before and after a switch, but given anything like an hour after - is really large.

We have decent communication, but overall memory is really bad and clearly between parts. But while we as a whole are a DID system, my personal subsystem seems to have amnesia that I think runs A LOT more like a OSDD-1B system

Don’t take this for like, science or educational as much as it is just my experience and conjecture as someone with it since I am thinking about this in a more practical-first hand manner than any third person text-based description and as a result my understanding of OSDD-1B amnesia (as I haven’t discussed this formally with my therapist and I know I have DID not OSDD-1B as of right now) and DID amnesia; but I do really think the dissociation and amnesia with the subsystem is a lot more of a OSDD-1B manner

If anyone would like to add their thoughts or compare it to their experiences with OSDD-1B or DID to see if it relates, feel free to since I’m going to *try* to explain the distinction between the subsystem (wondering if it is more OSDD-1B) and the overall system (DID System)

It might just be superficial just an our-system thing, but I am curious to see.

So for our main system, when it comes to the general system, amnesia between parts feels very whole. While sometimes I do remember things that another alter did or thought (especially if it is just academic / semantic memory / facts), something they had asked or communicated that they would do, or it was just before or just after a switch, often I will come across moments that will be “I literally have zero recollection of that” and moments where I literally had no idea that they said things or did things. If they have a conversation that is particularly emotion driven, it is very very likely I won’t recall it and if I do, it is more likely me pulling together scraps of context and what I know about their state.

Yes there are moments where we can share information and know what happened with another alter, this especially so with healing and recovery and more frequent with parts that have extensively worked to bond and understand one another (me and Lucille, Lucille and Ray mainly) - but a lot of the times I get told things by a reliable source or look back in messages and have little to no recall of it. Someone can tell me “Ray went on a three hour vent about [insert issue]” and I can often go “Oh yeah about this and I think he said that right?” having gathered that from context clues and what I know about his current state and on multiple occasions my therapist would go “No he very clearly said opposite and made that established” and I would sit there shook cause I didn’t know that was a thing that bothered him at all.

On the other hand, with my subsystem, a lot of the dissociative barriers and memories are primarily around emotional memory and regulation more than anything. Often I will still remember that the part was upset, I will often remember decent chunks of what they had said or done. Often I do remember their behavior (other than my generalized dissociative amnesia as myself that causes things to fade within a few days) and when we switch it is less a stark change but more of a “Lol I don’t know what happened there” more in a sense of “I really don’t emotionally remember why that was such a big deal because its not but okay I’m good now”.

Often the content and what had caused the part to breakdown is usually still intact and in my awareness. Often I still know a good gist of what had happened and while I might loose details of what exactly was done and said, I am usually not being told things happened that I didn’t have a pretty close understanding of that happened. Again, some information is lost, I might forget where they put things or might have lost an aspect of the vent and I wouldn’t be able to recite it perfectly or understand it, but I do remember a decent majority of it. Probably around 60-75% of the time it is more like I am ghosting behind during it all so I personally have some awareness of it.

The place where the dissociative amnesia comes into play is “why does this matter” and “I dont remember why this felt like such a big deal” and it often comes off as a “Well I don’t know who THAT was because I wouldn’t act like that.” Its not a different identity because of the dissociative amnesia but because there is a dissociative / mental disconnect from the behavior of one part to the next and each of us behave distinctly in ways that we go “Well that wasn’t me because that behavior makes NO personal sense to me.”

And like Jii (who is sometimes on this blog) was mainly in the sub-system but has kinda been moved out of it for stability purposes s they are somewhat in between the two and somewhere in between how the amnesia with the main system and the subsystem works and that’s just an interesting topic in its own regard.

Similarly to the main system, at this point if they go on emotional vents or have major breakdowns, I will often really struggle to remember the actual contents and the worries and very personal stuff that they are going through, but beyond the high emotional moments, we still do tend to interact and communicate and co-front similarly to how the sub-system works.

And also with the subsystem, just a post-hoc clarification, but I DO NOT have them constantly co-con or anything and often can’t reach them, that is more of a “when I do this is it” since most of my sub-system is dormant from what I know for the sake of stability until I sort out a balance with Jii who is being adjusted to be the subsystem Primary Protector - but that is beside the point

Anyways I hope my ramble on OSDD-1B and DID and subsystems entertained you and if this brings up any conversation points I’d love to hear from it XD

-Riku (Host)

#alter: riku #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #osdd-1b #subsystems #subsystem #alter: jii #dissociative amnesia #dissociation

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wendibird · 4 years

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SPN 15X15 Observations

The saga of my shitty cable/internet provider continues. This week I was again watching it on my computer through the streaming app since TV still isn’t getting reliable reception, and my internet connection kept dropping! (Luckily, I’ve also set it to record, so I was able to re-watch the episode after it aired.) So, my notes are much less coherent probably, and I’ve had a long day so my after-episode thoughts probably are too.

Everything else under the cut for those who wish to avoid spoilers and all my rambling:

- Connor isn't going to last long. - wtf? (freaky teddy bear!) - "she and I used to have a thing"? Seriously Dean? - Cas: "Sam?" (aka "Please be the reasonable one.") - soooooo much salt from Cas. - "Agent Swift!" - BABY YODA!!!! - I think the crossroads thing is Cas just making a phone call more or less. - Cas, there are NEVER "too many cats". - LOL I love Cas' literalness - Eeeeee..... love them bonding. - Hrm. So there's definitely a karmic element to these killings. I mean, "Lair" seemed like a bit of a stretch for the other kid, unless the "lie" was in him agreeing with the snobby girls. But I have a feeling this lady here is going to end up with something like "thief" carved into her. (So, thoughts: Avenging Angel? Just Deserts? Probably something new.)

- Also I feel like there was maybe something in that "previously" scene that I don't remember seeing before. (Was talking about Dean going into detail about needing to take Amara out as well as Chuck. I remember part of that conversation, but some parts felt "new" to me? Though I've only seen through this current season once, so I might just not be remembering everything right.) - Sam's worried/concerned about Jack! <3 - "At least this time it's not you and me." Oh man does that feel like foreshadowing. - Not sure I trust the pastor. - I've been watching this show too long. They all feel sketchy. Especially the girl with the headband. *LOL* - Oh man. Are they really going "Torture Porn" on us again? (Apparently) - His (Jack’s) Mom died 3 years ago too. - "I have more dads than most." <3 - "Put your trust in God." Wow. *LOL* Poor Jack. - Cas, you're totally one of his dads. But yes. It is complicated. - Ahhh. Maybe that's what the "Liar" thing was about. (Connor being gay and hiding it?) - Hi Amara! (My cat wants to get into my closet.)

- Amara's still in relatively light colors.

(Stupid internet signal is being a pain)

- I wish I knew what was going on.

(Aaaaand more internet problems)

- I love Cas! (still confused about what's going on.)

- So, what's with the random demon in the squad car? - Dammit.... I had a feeling Jack would end up having to die to kill Chuck and Amara.

(OKAY! Now that the episode is over, I'm going to re-watch parts of it so I can find out what the hell I missed! (still irritated))

- Jack HAS one of those teddy's! I wonder which one got it for him.... (My guess is Sam or Cas) - Maybe it was Zack in the cop car at the end? He DID say he was really bored. - Reason why I was thinking it might be something supernatural was because the one who did it seemed to know in advance who they were going after, but that lady just now stole from the poor box. So, how did the daughter know? Unless she'd done it before? Hrm. - Minor note: "We've been on the road almost two days." WTF? SPN doing somewhat realistic travel times?! *LMAO* - Trying to tell what's in her other hand. Looks like it's duct-taped closed into a fist around something. A transmitter maybe? It's an odd detail that I don't think gets explained. - So, did she call him a "liar" because she saw the two of them as having dated and then he came out as gay at some point? - So, they're just gonna leave the Impala there while it's gassing up? *LOL* - I still love Cas for this part. Sharing his "Journey". - Okay, got to see the guys' talk with Amara. (At least the first half of it.) I still think it's risky for Dean to tell her about Jack even being a player on the board. Though I get that he had to give her SOMETHING so she would get that the threat is credible. That they actually CAN do something against Chuck. - Also, SPN can't settle on its history. *LOL* But that's nothing new. Back in S5 it was God and Death and Death couldn't remember who came first. Then at the end of Season 10 we got an updated version with the Darkness (Who didn't seem to have met Death prior to her imprisonment.) Now, Darkness and God were twins. - Ewwwwww.... dead guy. - Wow.... They actually textualized that. (About Mary.) - He sounded like he meant it when he said "I will never hurt you." - I still love Cas being a subtle badass. - Jack... it's NOT the only way... (And I'm pretty sure Sam HAS forgiven Jack. But I don't think they've really talked.)

SO.

I apologize that my "notes" this time are a train-wreck, but so was my internet connection, so sadly, this is what happens when I watch part of the episode, miss some important bits, and watch most of the rest of it (while still missing more bits) and then when it's finally over I can finally go back and re-watch the bits I'd missed. And I wound up mostly just re-watching the whole thing again anyway. And some things definitely made more sense, and I definitely noticed some things I hadn't caught the first time.

I know a lot of people aren't going to like it because it mostly featured Cas and Jack while being light on the brothers. (But there WAS some good brother content!) I did enjoy it well enough though. (Like, it's not gonna make my top 10 total episodes, but I liked it better than a lot of the ones earlier this season.)

Organizing my thoughts is gonna be a bit hard (I've had a long day) but I'll make an attempt here.

Cas and Jack's arc: It definitely had a more old-school SPN horror vibe to me, though more like some of the newer horror movies (like Saw and the like) and I think both characters were written well. We had two awkward angels who still don't get all things human, but they obviously care. There was also a lot of talk about God in a way that I felt made both of them feel awkward considering their perspective on Chuck. I do still wonder though about some of the details of what Sylvia was doing. Like, I get how she'd probably been stewing about the one boy for a while. But the lady (could never quite tell if it was Valerie or Mallory) had literally JUST stolen from the donation box when she stepped outside into the trap laid for her. So, was this maybe a habit of her's? How would Sylvia have known about it beforehand? And also, what was with the crossroads demon at the very end posing as/possessing a police officer? Is he going rogue because he's bored? Is he acting on some weird kind of orders? I saw some theories about maybe the Dad made a crossroads deal to spring his daughter, but... I dunno. Unless it's supposed be a tease for something to come later, it feels odd and random.

Overall, I did really like Cas in this episode. I thought his blend of salt, cluelessness, and altruism was good, and I loved what he said about his past, and how he found his new purpose. Because he has been drifting quite a bit since he lost his original purpose. But he definitely seems to have found it again with Jack. So naturally he gets to find out that Jack is fated to die taking out God and the Darkness. *sigh* Dude CANNOT catch a break! Also, JACK! I love him so much! (And honestly, I'd had suspicions already that this is what had been troubling him. I'm glad he finally told one of his dads at least.)

Also, just wanna reiterate, I loved that bit at the beginning when Dean suggests Cas and Jack go tackle this case "that probably isn't anything (supernatural)" and he turns to Sam like "Please be the sane one here." (My hope/headcanon is that Sam encouraged him to go because he knows something has been troubling Jack, and if Jack won't open up to Sam about it, maybe he was hoping he'd open up to Cas at least. Then maybe SOMEONE could help him. But I don't know if the writers are thinking that deeply about Sam.)

Speaking of Sam and Dean... Okay, overall I thought their part of the episode was okay for what we saw. Like, the brother talk in the Impala, mild bickering about driving times and regular mundane stuff. Also their talk with Amara had some GOOD emotional beats in it. For Dean and Amara. Sam was mostly just there. And then he wasn't even there for the main part. So... *sigh* It's not that I begrudge Dean having that moment. I mean, he definitely had more of a connection to Amara than Sam did. But it still feels like not much really happened with him besides being a soundingboard and showing some concern for Jack. Hopefully we get more of him actually being important to the plot in upcoming episodes.

But let me reiterate that I DID like the talk Dean and Amara had! I'm glad that she textualized something that I know a lot of fans have theorized about Mary and her purpose narratively. That prior to her resurrection she had been put on this pedestal, but Dean and Sam were actually able to get to know the real woman. That the real woman was better than the memory because she WAS real. Flaws and all. (Not that I blame Dean for being angry.) I'm just glad that it was said outright. Because I got the feeling from some of the things Samantha Smith has said at cons that that was part of the point of Mary's character since S12, to make her real. And I know a lot of people couldn't see past her flaws and still hate her. (I DO think some things could have been handled better with her character, but that's not the point of this long rambly post today.) Also, when Dean said that he could never hurt her? It felt like him telling the truth. Maybe he was able to get that feeling across because technically he WAS telling the truth, since the plan is for Jack to be the one doing the hurting. But I dunno.

Anyway, overall I thought it was a decent episode. It had some good character moments in it, and considering I thiiiiink the next episode is going to be very Sam and Dean heavy, I'm not gonna begrudge Cas and Jack some screentime in this one since things are likely going to be getting dicey here fairly soon.

(And again, I apologize for how scattered this is this time.)

P.S. Oh, and one last thing before I forget. Especially after last episode, I find it odd that Jack still thinks BOTH brothers haven't forgiven him. I get why he would think that about Dean. The dude outright said it was going to take some time. But Sam, as far as we've seen has been shown to be supportive of Jack. So, I wonder if it's because Jack still hasn't forgiven himself? Or if it's because maybe he and Sam haven't really talked about that whole issue, so maybe Jack thinks Sam is just avoiding it? (Or if the writers are just lumping Sam&Dean together again because WHY would anyone see them as two separate entities? *salty*) Because if anyone in this show SHOULD be aware that the brothers don't always think the same it should be Jack. Because from the start Sam has tended to hold a different stance in regards to him than Dean. *sigh* Ah well. We'll see how things fall out. Especially considering what Cas (I’m assuming anyway) told Dean about Jack and Billy’s plan.

#spn 15x15 spoilers #spn season 15 spoilers #episode review #my thoughts #mine internet doth sucketh #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #jack kline #the darkness/amara

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ori-flails · 4 years

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Rewatching Guardian - Episode 05 Part 2/2

Episode List || Part 1 || Episode 06

SPOILERS for upto episode 40, SPOILERS for the novel.

Yes. Yes, it has.

I’m one of those people that refuse to think of Zhao Xinci entirely in a bad light (specially not while something as questionable as Zhang Shi is right there), but man, whatever the SID was before , the current SID beats it by a mile. Zhao Xinci as chief can’t even be compared to Zhao Yunlan’s toes.

I’m sorry, I can’t get this line of Chu Shuzhi’s out of my head. xD xD xD Idek why it’s so funny to me. xD

Why, oh why does Zhao Yunlan look so pretty when distressed?

And how does a man look that good with most of his features hidden? Dem eyes... I’d do anything for him asdfghjkl

Ooh Dixing looks cool-- the gateway/arch thingy looks like it’s made out of styrofoam. -_-

I’ll not comment on the nonsensical light on the gateway.

And that’s... not Zhu Yilong’s hand....

Why’d they use a stunt double in this scene???

Yes, I notice hands and I know what Zhu Yilong’s hands look like, don’t judge me.

This indicates that Shen Wei was conscious 20 years ago.

I feel like my memory’s not reliable when it comes to how long before the start of the series Shen Wei woke up from under the ground, but I also feel like this number here, the 20 years, is inconsistent with the information given in episode 35.

If not, I’ll eat my words. If so, I’ll discard the whole thing with Shen Wei being alseep for 10k years in my headcanons. (Though I might discard that either way lol)

This is probably somewhat important even though I don’t remember this bit.

How would the captain’s kid know anything about what had happened if the kid was born after the captain became estranged in Haixing?? Unless there was some Dixing powers involved...? Idk. :/

Is this descendant who I think it is? That somewhat insignificant guy that was supposed to be significant that stabbed Zhao Yunlan with scissors during his trip to Dixing? The dude the destroyed the Dijun Booklet or whatnot? I think he was called Dingdun or something but I’m not sure.

Either way, the captain was probably shot dead by Zhao Xinci.

Way to go, sowing anymosity towards Haixingren in Dixingrens’ hearts, my dude.

In true Boomer style, you didn’t bother to think of the mess the future generation, i.e your SON will have to clean up.

Zhao Yunlan, you are smitten. xD

Let’s remind ourselves that at this point, Zhao Yunlan is still very suspicious of Shen Wei.

Oh a reference to the Ghost tribes from the novel!

But it’s a legit saying on its own without the context of the novel as well.

My thoughts on this episode: “Such acting, much wow” to the father-son duo.

#镇魂 guardian #guardian rewatch #guardian episode 05 #shen wei #zhao yunlan #weilan #zhen hun

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sibyl-of-space · 4 years

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havent angsty long-posted on here in a while lol it’s like i am in 3rd year of college all over again

Well, no thanks to fast and reliable testing, I am at least fairly sure I actually do have Covid. I still haven’t gotten my test results and it’s been a week, but I have a headache typing this because I over exerted myself by performing the highly taxing tasks of... taking a shower, cooking something, and sitting upright instead of lying in bed (as I have been largely doing for the last 2 weeks). So at the very least I’ve been able to communicate with my workplace and am now at an understanding that I should just take this week off too because if sitting upright for extended periods of time makes it hard to breathe, that is perhaps, slightly concerning.

So instead my anxieties now are about the fact that literally contracting Covid was actually in the long run beneficial for my mental health because I’ve been able to just... rest, and play some video games, and rest some more, and sleep, and edit photos, and watch other people play video games. I’ve gotten to just. Relax. I haven’t had the chance to relax since before the pandemic started, because I work at a nonprofit that helps homeless people and that shit doesn’t stop being necessary in a crisis. And it’s compounded by the fact that I work in IT and we had to basically throw together enough band-aid and duct tape solutions to get everyone set up to work remotely, which was hard as fuck to do, and now we are still going in part of the week to help serve meals shifts because we don’t have any volunteers.

(That is like 90% definitely how I contracted it, a few weeks ago I worked a meals shift with someone who was not-so-subtly coughing into his mask next to me and it was not the phlegm-y cough but the ‘ah i am just clearing the old airways’ cough. Why are you working a meals shift to serve the homeless if you have symptoms OH MY GOD. Anyway.)

My workplace is not organized in the best of times, which made it interesting but lively and was largely endearing even if it was somewhat frustrating. But now, it is just driving me up the wall. I have felt at the end of my rope mentally for about 2 straight months with no end in sight. And now the more literature that comes out indicates it could be YEARS before the USA is able to approach anything resembling normal because of this, and I do not think I am mentally capable of handling this kind of environment for that long.

My team is GREAT. I love them. This organization put out the only legitimate IT starting position that did not require 3-5 years of previous experience, paid me MORE than a fair starting wage, and is just all around great at treating me like a person and I’ve learned so much from them. I am so thankful. But the organization as a whole is managed like, well, basically a shit show that makes me honestly miss the well-oiled shitty corporate bureaucracy that was my first job out of college. I’ve been considering applying elsewhere for ages now, but... well first of all I feel like I need to at least have worked a full year here before moving on (it’s been about 7 months presently) for it to count for anything, and also, well it has been very nice actually being treated like a person in a 9-to-5:30 office position and I don’t know how much I’ll be seeing that if I sell out and work for some tech startup or whatever the hell.

Up until now I have had a sort of... promise I’ve kept to myself, where if I am not fulfilled and start to actively dislike and resent my job when I wake up for it in the morning, that I will move on from that job. I have held on to that. My first job out of college was an excellent source of stability for me as a recent college grad, but when it reached a point it was stressing me more than it was supporting me, I moved on. I then worked minimum wage (note: minimum wage was $15/hr at this point so my income was only actually decreasing by $4/hour because administrative assistants do not get paid what they are worth. Now bay area cost of living is fucking stupid, but minimum wage in this circumstance was actually livable for me with the bonus of having my parents’ health insurance.) at a fabric store - I stayed there for 2 years, longer than I’ve ever held a position, and while partly I left because I had more or less finished learning what I had hoped to learn from my coworkers, the store was transforming away from that kind of community DIY vibe it started out as and turned into a kind of etsy wine mom vibe that didn’t click with me as much anymore, and also I was turning 26 and would lose my health insurance through my parents.

So I took the next several months taking my first real break from constant responsibilities/employment since pretty much ever, focused on speedrunning Tales of Symphonia and eventually started studying for a baseline IT certification so I could try and get a job that was more appealing to me than administrative bullshit, which I hated so much. My closest friends I made in my first corporate job out of college were people in QA and IT, so I decided to try and make that a reality. I studied my ass off for a couple solid months, took both tests for the A+ certification, passed, and started applying to jobs. And now here we are.

My frustration stems from the fact that I want to continue working with the people who took a chance on me when I was very green and had no experience, just 2 tests under my belt and a willingness to learn. I really do want to continue learning and growing here. But the environment, through no fault of anyone’s, has been just grating on me. I honestly believe that if I quit they would all completely understand, but I don’t WANT to - I want to stick it out, partly out of pride (this organization has such high turnover, I have already outlasted over half of the new users I’ve onboarded.....), partly to repay the team that has invested in me and treated me like a human being, and partly because I know more experience is necessary if I want to land another job anywhere else.

But boy, am I drained. I was literally hoping I had Covid because it meant I could get 2 weeks off work. And here I am, finally got Covid, am taking 2 weeks off work, and yet I still feel bad about it because a damn test hasn’t come back making me feel validated about it and I’ve still partially convinced myself I’m being a drama queen.

And this break from work is just making me dread the prospect of YEARS of this kind of uncertainty. It’s been so nice just kind of being able to do things at my pace, but it took me actually contracting The Plague to actually get this kind of relief.

Anyway, a few bright sides... first, my tortoise is adorable and doing great, so there is that. (Just looked over and saw her doing something cute. I love her.) Second, I will continue to rest this full week, and next week there is a good chance I will feel more empowered to tackle a workday with the perspective of fresh challenges as opposed to just some monotonous daily grind, after having this time off. Third, if I continue to feel nothing but dread and frustration regarding work, I think I should stick to that promise to myself and give a deadline to when it’s time to start looking elsewhere and move on, because no organization is worth my mental well-being. And lastly, I’ve re-visited OoT for the first time in a really long time (handhelds are about all I can do at the moment), and that was really special.

I’m still fucking pissed that there is pretty much no chance I’ll be able to go to France this Christmas with my roommate and girlfriend. I was so excited to have a paycheck where I could afford to do something not just for myself but for the people closest to me, I routed our flights so we had layovers that would let us connect on the main flight together and paid extra so we could sit together, I was SO excited about this because I spent almost EVERY Christmas in France as a kid because of my family and I miss it SO MUCH, I was so so so excited to share these intimate memories with people I really care about, but the USA is a fucking dumpster fire shit show so who knows when I’ll be able to actually do that now. I haven’t cancelled the flights yet but I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m going to have to do so. Hopefully I can get a refund and we will just have to go next Christmas, but I’m still really fucking upset.

Not even going to comment on how much of a shit show the USA is in general. I feel completely helpless. Another 4 years of Trump is literally a catastrophe we can NOT permit but the current DNC platform looks like it is going to fix about, oh, FUCK ALL, so at this point it feels like there is no hope unless we literally start busting out the guillotines. Every time I see an Elon Musk fanboy on Twitter some of my remaining faith in humanity crumbles. Then I think about how people have been protesting EVERY SINGLE DAY for the right of Black people to LIVE and NOTHING is being done about it. It’s both exhausting and terrifying.

In conclusion, I would like to stop living through a major historical event, please and thank you.

#this is very stream of consciousness #personal

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illegiblewords · 5 years

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Emet-Selch: Illness and Accountability

I’ve seen some posts where people are trying to argue that no compassion/sympathy/remembrance should be paid to Emet-Selch because of the total annihilation of multiple worlds he participated in.

People gonna feel how they’re gonna feel lol, but my opinion has a bit more gray I think. Buttloads of analysis and some psychobabble under the cut, spoilers up the wazoo.

- Obviously causing apocalypses and encouraging the worst qualities in people to that end is evil, unacceptable, and had to be stopped. Imo even if that ends in his death. That level of tragedy is horrific.

- Amaurot’s tragedy is still immense, and the nature of Amaurotine society and the stunted nature of its inhabitants (being unequipped to deal with loss, their own/humanity’s evils, or other forms of suffering) only further ensured that the unsundered would not be mentally or emotionally capable of dealing with the aftermath of that loss. A regular person would have been devastated. Amaurotines were left with zero ability to cope.

- Tempering makes it SIGNIFICANTLY worse. Emet-Selch is pretty blasé about it yeah, but he is not a reliable source on this subject. Consider that when lesser primals like Ifrit, Leviathan, or Titan temper people they need to be killed without question. They often aren’t even considered themselves anymore. Zodiark is to them what the sun is to idk Mars. Wouldn’t go so far as Mercury but it’s still an insane difference in power, intensity, etc. Lahabrea shows indications of being more heavily effected than Emet-Selch and Elidibus but honestly the only reason they’re not going “your words are my bread” 24/7 as per Ifrit thralls is probably specifically because they’re unsundered Amaurotines. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t hugely warped.

- Imo Emet-Selch has absolutely been driven insane. Not hallucinations necessarily, but honestly he’s right at the brink of that level. He has the ability to more or less take things from his head and materialize them externally, and he’s gone full throttle with that for Amaurot. He has a fake place where he can make believe things are still okay and his friends are still alive and he still has a home to go to. He also vomited out his PTSD nightmares and sometimes subjects himself to that experience again. It would not surprise me even SLIGHTLY if pre-Scions showing up he’d used that dungeon to try and figure out from his memories if there was anything he could have done differently, anyone he could have saved. The whole area existing basically indicates he’s developed a level of masochism. He’s been doing this for at least several hundred years if not more, if the Ondo are to be believed. EDIT: I may have misremembered and have timeline questions about this now. Need to investigate further to determine how long fake-Amaurot existed and in what degree of completion. Emet-Selch might be good about covering this up in conversation for the most part, but that doesn’t make it any less real. My opinion on very specific kinds of insanity, this one included, is that responsibility is somewhat alleviated and it becomes more the product of the illness/situation rather than a person being horrible. None of that means that the results are less terrible or that the person shouldn’t be stopped by whatever means necessary. It just means that the personal judgment on the perpetrator is different from what it would be if they were in total control of their faculties.

- All of the above said, the posts circulating where fans call him a little bitch and fantasize about saying they won’t remember read a bit like kicking someone when they’re down to me. Fictional situations yeah, but honestly there is not a single person in the scenario who isn’t suffering in horrific ways and doing that helps none of them. To me it reads kind of like an extension of revenge fantasies that seem to be popular these days, and honestly the revenge mentality is something I’m pretty exhausted with. This probably comes a lot from me having seen more angry people around in-general (not mainly FFXIV), and it just kind of makes me sad. Seeing how many fans were able to find compassion and mercy in them for Emet-Selch was a huge relief for me in light of that. It’s probably in part because of how obvious it is that he’s depressed out of his mind and dealing with several millenias worth of PTSD. The sleeping thing screams it pretty loud in a way I suspect a lot of people recognized.

- I seriously, seriously think that part of what was going on with Emet-Selch was on some level being aware that he’d become a monster and what he was doing counted as murder. The reason his reaction at the Ladder was shown and important is because it exposes his process of recognizing the reality of sundered people still counting and needing to actively remind/convince himself otherwise. It is way too neat and convenient for him to know that the way to get his world and people back is to sacrifice countless sundered through rejoinings, but none of those people are real anyway so it’s not a difficult choice.

The reality is way more ugly and horrifying, and my theory is he’s unable to deal with the weight of it. Knowing that not only were all the lives he ended real, often innocent people--they were pieces of his own beloved people would 100% destroy him past functioning. If he doesn’t have that denial mechanism in place he isn’t going to be able to survive, much less save anyone.

Another fan explained it really brilliantly imo with:

He probably has a mantra he repeats to himself, every time he feels himself starting to form an attachment to one or more of these pitiful, ephemeral beings: "They aren't truly alive, they aren't real. Things will be better when they are whole - better for THEM, even. This is for the good of us all..." Especially NOW; the sunk cost fallacy is STRONG. To stop now would be unthinkable. Even if they were willing to acknowledge the murders they've committed, if they were to cut things off all those murders would have been in vain, cruel sacrifices for no purpose. Eight worlds full of life extinguished, and that doesn't even include the horrendous loss of life on the Source with each Rejoining. They may feel they OWE it to those lost to see things through - and each new murder is another obligation on the pile...

- Sometimes situations can just be fucking tragic and sad for all involved. Anger is usually easier because it feels powerful, directed, and simpler while sadness tends to come from a more helpless, hopeless, and uncertain place.

- Even if on the off chance that Emet-Selch was totally sane, not compromised, and just plain evil with zero gray involved that would warrant sympathy... the people of Amaurot were innocent. Why be like “I’m not gonna remember shit :)” on those people? Imo heroes should remember ALL of the innocents lost... and the villains who couldn’t be saved too. It’s tragic when it comes to loss like that. Necessary sometimes, but still tragic.

- Separate but slightly related, I am side-eyeing the people who try to go “X is a stand in for Y real world genocide group and if you have sympathy for X you support Y you monster” SO HARD YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Not every evil empire, even the totalitarian and fascist ones, are stand ins for specific real world regimes. Understanding doesn’t equal agreeing with or endorsing. Having sympathy for individual suffering, especially in fiction, also doesn’t mean that you support the person’s ideology and goals. As a society we desperately need to remember the difference between understandable versus justifiable. :/ And for what it’s worth, Garlemald specifically has bits and pieces of MAAAAANY different real world authoritarian governments using a range of strategies and positions.

Disclaimer I got no ill will toward people who been jumping on the “IDGAF” train but I disagree and needed to get my thoughts out haha. Didn’t want to go into full-debate with people who might not be looking for that in the post itself and don’t want to discourage others from exploring their own interpretations! Just figured airing my opinions this way might be aight. Like I alluded to I’m also coming from a place where I’ve dealt with really intense moral policing by fans in the past (not within FFXIV), so that definitely shapes my perspective some.

#emet selch #ascians #amaurot #final fantasy xiv #shadowbringers

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blakescoven · 5 years

Text

Undress Rehearsal (Duncan Shepherd x fem!Reader)

Summary: You got a fashion degree and moved to DC to work as stylist assistant. Unexpectedly you meet a familiar face during a meeting and it seems there’s a spark between you two...but things may take a wrong turn.

A/N: Hey lovelies!! This is my first fic EVER, so be nice! Also, forgive any grammar mistake (English isn’t my first language). Since the ending is kinda open, I guess I could write a PART 2. I’m so happy to finally be able to post this one-shot, even though it sucks! I’d appreciate every comment/reblog/DM about it and about how I could actually improve my writing. This is a sort of experiment! I’m still trying to figure out “my style”. Oh and this is important: bold type means flashback, italics are Y/N’s thoughts and // means a few days passed! ENJOY and thank you for reading! I love you.

Warnings: mean!Duncan (just a little), making out and veeery light NSFW, plot!twist, lol I think that’s enough(?)

Word count: 6.1K

moodboard by the talented @hecohansen31

You were late again. It happened twice this week. But how could that happen? You had always been a punctual and reliable person, at night you ensured that the alarm was correctly set and you never went to bed too late, afraid to not being able to wake up the morning after. So how could it be possible? Maybe because of your jetlag, but after almost a month, well, this had become a really bad excuse. Then perhaps, the frenetic pace was already affecting you that much, making you too tired to hurry up and get ready. This couldn’t happen again; you were jeopardizing your new dream job because of this straggler behavior. While you were running along the streets of Washington DC, those were your recurring thoughts. Your wheezing and the speeded-up heartbeats, pounding in your hears, were drowning out any deafening noise coming from cars and traffic, which always filled the city driveways.

From the early hours of the day, the avenues were swarming with people going to their office, each of them withdrawn into oneself, busy minding their own business with their smartphones, bringing takeaway breakfast on the other hand. You were way too anxious and distracted from running breathlessly; you had already bumped into three stupid human beings, slowly strolling down the sidewalk like damn sloths. Every single step was followed by a quick glance at your cellphone screen, checking the time and ensuring there was no missed call of your boss.

If you knew anything in this world, it was that you had to take this job seriously, dealing with the fact that your exhausting dues would have allowed your eager ass to work your way up and finally become a fashion designer. So, you didn’t expect any great satisfaction to come very soon. And starting from the bottom was really tough. After years of studying and a well-deserved university degree, you were prepared for whatever the future might have brought. Despite that, you didn’t expect at all to end up in DC, working as a stylist assistant. Sure, this would have opened the door to your real dream job, be part of the style department, designing collections for a luxury brand. You had tried your luck moving to New York, but you ended up broke, with no savings left and no available job opening. For this reason, you decided to take that chance here. You hadn’t made any progress till now though. You were new, yes, but your tasks and assignments were hardly restricted to bring coffee or running around the Capital with tons of garment bags for upcoming fittings.

Finally, after that insane 3km rush, without even stopping for a second - no, you couldn’t afford an Uber ride every time -, you arrived. Your feet hurt like hell, your cheeks covered with scarlet shades like the worst of sunburns and your breath coming in short gasps…and your hair, oh dear Lord, it was a mess. You were sure you were also sweating. Luckily, Richard, your boss, was quite nice to you and somewhat tolerant; he was sincerely impressed by all your efforts, skills and abilities, so much that he wasn’t utterly certain what you were doing there.

Five minutes past the established hour and, thank God, the client hadn’t arrived yet. You didn’t have much information or details about that meeting. You only knew that you had to help during a fitting for a client, extremely influential on the political scene. He needed a few new looks and outfits for public appearances, interviews, and fundraising events. Of course, you assumed he would have been an old middle-aged white man, with too much money to count and eager for power.

Mr moneybags is getting late tho. Too busy making grands? you thought.

Meanwhile, you were trying to look more presentable, also to not risk damaging the brand reputation.

“Y/N?”

Your calves burned and, in that moment, you thought that bringing extra sneakers would have been a good idea.

“Y/N?!”

Since the client hadn’t arrived yet, maybe you could sit down and rest for a minute on that super comfy booth near the mirror…

“Y/N!!!! HELLOO!!!” Your train of thoughts was abruptly interrupted by your boss’ yells, which suddenly caught your attention.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, I zoned out! Forgive me, what can I do for you?”

The man, a healthy and elegant 40ish brunette, looked at you concerned “Y/N I know it’s hard to settle down, but I need you to be 100% focused today. The man who’s coming is a big deal for us, he’s a powerful figure in Washington politics! He has recently taken her mother’s place as CEO of the family company. So, I want us to make a good impression!” after saying that, he looked at you from head to toe, a bit baffled.

“So…” he continued “…I need you to – in that moment you really hoped you were about to receive a major task, finally a turning point – ..to run to the bar across the street and buy some coffee, and come back quickly!” All your expectations fell apart in a sea of disappointment. “Hurry up!”

You put on a forced smile and went straight to the exit.

After having waited in line for centuries, you figured that probably the client had to have arrived, and therefore, just as you had started your day, you came back running as fast as you could, to save time.

You were holding the coffee cups in your left hand, while you were struggling to turn off your phone, which had started ringing. Opening the glass door with your hip, you were still trying to silence the ringtone, this, without even minding where put your feet up. Ugh, mom, stop calling me...always the worst timing! you screamed in your own mind, frowning. Before you could slow down your steps, one of your heels didn’t grip well the lacquered floor, making you stumble and trip. A sudden change in your balance and you couldn’t avoid slipping forward, causing the not-so-angelic flying of coffee directly on the special guest of the situation.

Damn it.

And to make matters worse, you fell to the ground, cursing the day you were born. Hell no, it can’t have really happened to me. You had just made a complete ass of yourself. You would have rather sink below the waves into the oblivion.

“OH SHIT SHIT SHIT I-I’m so sorry! I-I don’t know h-how it happened!” you were apologizing, still keeping your eyes fixed on the once-full cups rolling down the parquet, next to your badly chipped mobile touchscreen.

“The floor must be slippery…please let me make it up to you, I ca- ” you stopped all of a sudden when you lifted your gaze, for the first time since you had stepped in. Standing in front of you there was the most attractive man you’d ever seen. His piercing blue eyes were fixed on you, like two burning flames almost forming deep holes in your soul.

It’s hot in here or it’s just me?

He was tall and his toned arms were easily visible through the once-white shirt. Now that expensive fashion piece was all covered by a huge stain of hot coffee. And it was your fault. You were speechless. Your attention all focused on the man’s features. Your gaze was busy running down those perfect shaped cheekbones and the sharp jawline. Oh boy, gods’ gift indeed.

Oddly familiar to you though.

You clearly remained to stare for too long to not be noticed, because the man himself broke the silence.

“Uhm, don’t worry” he seemed taken aback for a second “I’ll send it to the cleaners or I’ll throw it away, I don’t care” he said, immediately composing himself, while carefully unbuttoning the ruined shirt, with those long fingers... You were blushing. His low soothing voice sent shivers down your spine. But his tone was plain, no apparent emotion, he seemed almost indifferent, maybe even a little annoyed. Ah, pompous ass.

Your attention was caught by your boss, who, with a worried voice, while pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed, proposed him to choose another shirt among the others and take it as an apology gift. The man accepted, nodding with a crooked smile and with smug remarks about the needlessness of gifts for a man as rich as him.

Cocky asshole! You mused, with a roll of her eyes.

Anxious to change the subject, Richard, started the introductions. “Mr Shepherd, she is my smart – but clearly clumsy – assistant, Y/N” at that very moment that name awoke the memories in your mind.

No. It can’t be true.

“Well, nice to meet you” he remarked “Y/N”, repeating your name like he was tasting it on his own tongue “..or so.” he added, with a stupid smug grin on his breathtaking face. When they shook hands, you felt a sort of jolt and realized you had been holding your breath all this time. You remained silent.

That was the same man you met 6 months ago on the flight you took to go to New York, when you moved for the first time. It was him the influential man of the meeting.

Duncan-fucking-Shepherd.

Duncan. This name was the only thing in your mind right now, while you were lying on the couch, in your little apartment, with a glass of wine loosely resting on your lower lip. Oh my God, did he recognize me? Did he figure out it was me? How had he called me that day? Oh, his angel, right. Fuck.

Your head hurt, but you couldn’t help but keep on repeat your two first meetings again and again in your mind. The Duncan Shepherd from today was completely different, compared to the man you had encountered on that plane.

He hadn’t talked about himself very much, just spilled that he was a businessman traveling for work. You had immediately noticed how mature he was to be in his late 20ish. And incredibly handsome. And charming. And seductive.

Ok, stop.

You still couldn’t understand why you. Among all the attractive available women he could easily have, during all the time of the flight, he had been flirting with you. You. He made you feel sexy, desirable and safe, after a very long time.

It was the first class. You were there because of a lucky misunderstanding. While the plane was taking off, you two had a moment, since he saw you panicking. You had started talking for real only two hours after having left Milan. The conversation started casually, then developed into a flirty game. Little did you knew that a few hours later, you would eventually find yourselves making out so much intensely, whilst the rest of the passengers was sleeping with lights off. This wasn’t like you; you were strangers after all. Damn, you only knew his first name. But you couldn’t help your crazy attraction towards him. A sort of electricity, a particular connection that you had never felt with anybody else in your life.

You were staring off into space, completely lost in your inner thoughts, while biting hard your lip and fidgeting with the hem of your oversize t-shirt. You nervously swallowed and closed your eyes. Your hand began to move from the fabric and wander over your bare legs, brushing them with your fingertips. Throwing back your head and swallowing again, you frowned and sighed. You couldn’t make those thoughts disappear. He got under your skin and no matter what you did, you couldn’t shake him.

His soft lips on yours, hot and peachy, the trailing of his wet open-mouthed kisses along your throat and the series of marks he was leaving on your skin, on the way down your collarbone. Feeling the smile of the other against your lips as you two kissed. The best feeling in the world. His small moans when you had pulled his lower lips between your teeth, while his hands were touching and roaming all over your body, as if he wanted to memorize each spot, each curve, each part of you. “Baby I wish it was just the two of us right now, damn, I want you so badly” he whispered. God, if they had been alone, you’d have gone further for sure. You were both turned on, you could tell, especially from the prominent bulge on his designer pants. All you wanted was to climb on top of him, straddling his hips, panting in his hear and feel his hot breath all over you. Intense was the craving to undress him, feel his skin against yours. Shit, it was like a living a dream.

The meeting had been canceled and rescheduled for tomorrow. The situation was quite unpleasant. What you were supposed to do now?

Judgment Day had come. You hadn’t slept at all, all night spent tossing and turning between the sheets and looking at the ceiling. How were you supposed to act now? Should you have mentioned anything? What was really killing you, was the feeling that ‘your moment’ had meant nothing for him. Yes, after 6 months, you had gone over it, also because you had no idea how to contact him. But after seeing him again, all the buried thrills came rushing back. You absolutely needed to test the waters today. What did you have to lose? Well, your dignity maybe. If he wanted to, Duncan could have easily said something. And of course, a man of his status could have anything, or anybody, he wanted. Maybe you were overthinking, maybe not.

Since it was almost dawn, and the sun was peeking through the blinds, creating a delicate play of lights and shadows on the curtains, you decided you could actually distract yourself choosing what to wear for the meeting. You shouldn’t have done it. Your bedroom had become a battlefield, all your clothes scattered all over it, like some lifeless leftovers of the closet, now empty. Almost like a little bomb went off. You kept trying combinations on combinations, each time taking off the pieces and throwing them away anywhere around you, as if you were on the verge of a breakdown. It was still a business meeting; you couldn’t dress up too revealing or doll up too much. But at the same time, you’d never give up on being yourself and express your personality through what you wore. Respecting yourself was the most important thing. Self-love. However, this didn’t solve the problem at all. You wanted to appear at your best, challenge him, in a subtle way.

On your way to the office, an unexpected call tuned you away from your own thoughts.

“Richard! Good morning! Are you calling me for coffee? Because I’ve already stopped off at the bar, now tell me who is the best assistant in the whole world?! And I’m not even late!” your smile vanished as soon as your boss answered.

“WHAT?! What does it mean you won’t be there today?” Your heart skipped a beat and started pumping so much blood through your veins, that you felt as a heatwave was rushing inside of you. “W-well if you have family issues, we agree that it’s necessary to postpone the gathering..I-” your eyes widened at the realization that you’d be alone. With Duncan.

You almost fainted on the spot.

“I’m sure you can handle it on your own! You can still reach me with a phone call, if you ever need me. Plus, don’t you think this would be the right chance to prove yourself and finally level up, get noticed and considered for that vacant position in the style & design dep.? My money’s on you, girl!”

How could you blame him, though? He was always so encouraging.

You sighed through the phone, so he added “Look, it won’t be hard. Remember that Mr Shepherd is in your hands. We have to turn him into one of the brand advocates; he’s young, a self-made man, the best choice to promote the brand awareness. It’s up to you now.”

Wow, that’s very reassuring you figured, shaking your head.

“Ok, you can do this, I have to go now, let me know how it goes. Bye!” Fuck.

“W-wait! I can’t do that withou-” he has already hung up. Looking up to the sky and letting out a frustrating grunt, you allowed yourself a childish whine and mumbled a ‘why me’.

Now you were standing outside the building, trying to collect yourself before entering. You were wearing an oversized see-through blouse, tucked in a black knee-length skirt, and an *accent color* blazer with rolled-up sleeves, to complete the look. You were ready to fight. No more clumsy bullshit.

Breathe, remember to breathe you reminded yourself, looking at the elevator door.

You strode next to the receptionist’s desk, Tiffany, or, as you liked to call her, ‘Crazypants’; since her eyes were always so disturbingly wide open – Does she ever blink? – and her hair painfully pinned back, so tight that must have hurt her. She seemed a cross between a barbie and a psycho killer. As soon as you walked by her desk, Crazypants greeted you overly excited, calling you with her earsplitting high-pitched voice. You put on your fakest smile and replied,

“Morning Tiff, uhm, I wish I could stay and chat, but I have work to-”

“The client is already here. He’s waiting for you in the fitting room” she winked. Hell, you hoped your blushing wasn’t so obvious, you couldn’t even have a few minutes to be psychologically prepared. Well, maybe better pull off the band-aid.

“Thank you for warning me! I’ll be right there” you answered. Not even before your exams you felt all this pressure.

Why is it always so hot?!

Walking along the hallway as if you were going to your own execution, you found yourself in front of the door of the rehearsal room. You gently opened it and entered. Do you know when, at some point in movies, there’s a slow-motion moment with background music?! There it was. Precisely. He had his back turned, gazing the skyline through the glass wall. And the second he heard the clicking of a pair of heels, he turned his head, smiling at you and looking intensely at your figure. You were about to die for real now.

How could someone be so beautiful?

His hair perfectly styled, his hot stubble,... Oh, that stubble was your weakness. You could already feel it between your legs and…

“Hey hey, easy with that” he teased with his deep honeyed voice, pointing the take-out coffee cups you were holding. You winced and giggled

“I’ll never stop apologizing about that, ehm, incident…but if you want one, go ahead!”

You looked at each other smiling for a while, until you had to break the silence and eventually get down to business. “So, I guess it’s better if we start…Mr Shepherd, so then you’ll be free to go back to work”, he exhaled and nodded

“Oh please, just call me Duncan.”

You saw a sort of shift in his features. His face went blank. He adopted a bossier and intimidating position, like last time. Ok, maybe he just wants to keep it professional, I understand.

“When is Richard coming?” he questioned while taking his trench coat off. “To be honest, it’ll just be me today, but it’s all right, you’re in good hands” you slightly smiled. He sighed again and you rose your eyebrow, taking it as an unspoken insult.

“Is there a problem?”

“Well, yes, I didn’t come here to waste my time with a newbie assistant.” Your jaw dropped.

“Excuse me?”

“No need to get upset darling, this is what you are, after all” he stated shrugging. You were speechless; yes, you were an assistant, but the way he said that, as if you were a dumb zero…What an asshole.

“Oookay, since I’m here..let’s continue” he glanced at you, waiting for her next move. “I agree, you can change in the wa-” you paused; he was literally undressing in front of you.

“What? There’s nothing you’ve never seen...I guess” You were confused…was he teasing you or something? “You should be more professional, I’m saying it for you”, your rage slowly increasing and flowing throughout your entire body. He was a completely different man, with all those unnecessary mean remarks. He gave you mixed feelings. You would have punched him, but at the same time, contemplating his perfectly-shaped heavenly body, his toned muscles, his thighs..you wanted to jump on him, kiss him and be his, in every way possible.

“You’re staring.”

“W-what?! No. I’m waiting for you to finish undressing, so I can give you the first change to wear..”

“Sure.”

You’d already had enough of his attitude. “I suggest starting with this evening suit, since Richard told me you’ll attend a charity gala in a few days.”

“Hush, please, save it. I don’t need all your pointless suggestions. I can handle it by myself.” he seemed almost..angry? You didn’t know how to hit back anymore. Why was he acting like that, all of a sudden? He tried on a few different outfits while you were staying there, silent, shifting your weight from a leg to another, your eyes wandering through the room, your lips pressed into a thin line and your mind trying to figure out what was happening. Duncan, noticing the tapping of your fingers on your thigh, rolled his eyes and gave you an annoyed look.

Then he huffed “Impatient, uh?”

You were hovering on the brink of an outburst.

“Why don’t you do your job and bring me some water, or take notes, or whatever you get paid for?”

“My job is helping you find a set of appropriate clothes for various occasions, trying to create the right mix & match that suits your taste and personality...” you retorted in a plain tone.

“Oh, thanks for the not required explanation, Wikipedia..”

“..but I’m not stupid, I know what a fucking stylist does” he was pushing your buttons.

“If you’d allow me to do my job, instead of questioning me, I could recommend something..”

“No need to whine, baby girl…So do it, instead of staying there like a scared little girl.”

“If relying on someone to select your wardrobe really bothers you..why don’t you choose them by yourself?” you sassed, struggling to remain polite.

“Well, I’ve demanded the help of a professional, not that of a ‘coffee-bringer’…and I’m wasting my time here”.

Ok, that’s enough.

He was still a client, but for you being treated like that wasn’t acceptable anymore. “You know what? I don’t fucking care if I get fired after saying these words. But I’m done with your dumbass comments. You’re a douchebag. I’m trying to do my job and, just because you’re rich and influential, you think you can treat me like that. Like I’m trash?” you were finally giving in to an outburst “The saddest thing is that I really hoped you would remember me. About that moment we shared 6 months ago, on that flight to New York. But obviously, I’ve given it much thought. Turns out that I’m just one of many, aren’t I? I’ve been thinking about you for weeks and when I saw you again, it all came flooding back. I’m so stupid. It’s not your fault, I was wrong to think that day could have really meant something.”

While talking, you were struggling to hold back the tears, you weren’t supposed to look pathetic, but your eyes were already watering. “So, do me a favor: end this meeting now. I’ll call Richard and tell him to take care of you, since you do not believe I’m capable enough to fulfill your needs..”

“..oh and don’t worry about seeing me again, I don’t want anything to do with you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got work to do.” you spat, entering the small wardrobe room, without bothering to switch on the light, hoping that your angry tears would have remained unnoticed in the darkness and that Duncan would have gone for good. So you started moving crutches on the clothes stand, to make room for those outfits to restock over.

Unexpectedly you felt an arm around your waist, holding you tightly. It was Duncan. He hadn’t left.

His body pressed against yours, you were paralyzed, his arms keeping a firm grip on you. What’s happening? You knew you should have pushed him back and kick him out, but something inside you decided against it. It was like a part of your dumb heart wanted to stay still in that position forever. You two remained silent, until he whispered in your hear, with his hot breath and his cologne filling your nostrils - a mixture of cinnamon, sandalwood and tobacco.

“I’m sorry..” he sighed. He sounded sincere.

“..I went too far.”

Now your own hands were resting upon his arms. You could feel the heat his body was radiating right now. With a honeyed soft tone, he murmured “Please forgive me, I don’t know what came over me. It’s just that having you standing here again, in front of me, stunned me. I didn’t know what to do and I misunderstood your demeanor. I thought you were pretending nothing had happened, or that you didn’t recall that day, or that you simply didn’t care.”

His hold slowly loosened, allowing you to turn around and look at him with narrowed eyes and a puzzled expression, without a word.

“Uhm, I’m not very good at communicating my emotions, but you’re right. I’ve been a dick. You didn’t deserve it, but I was overwhelmed by the attempt to suppress my own feelings. Since I saw you again,”

he paused,

“you are all I can think about.” he admitted, stroking your tear-stained cheek with his thumb, but you tried to resist him,

“I hope you’re not trying to play me, because otherwise I’ll smash that stupid hot smirk to the ground.”

“So do you think I’m hot, uh?!”

“You dumbass.”

“God, you’re so damn sexy when you’re mad.” he teased, coming closer.

“What?” you giggled. He stared at your lips “I just can’t stop thinking about kissing you right now…” and unexpectedly, his hand drifted to your hip, pulling you even closer. You inhaled deeply. You were against his warm chest, sculpted to perfection. Why must he be so perfect? You placed your hand against it, intending to push him away, but instead you left it there. You froze, from both fear and excitement.

You two stared into each other’s eyes and his breathing quickened as did yours. He slowly leaned in, so his forehead rested against yours. You closed your eyes. Your faces were inches apart now, and he lightly traced your lips with one finger. His other hand placed behind your neck, shortening the distance even more.

Your noses bumped and your mouths matched up slightly-opened, breathing each other’s air directly. He brushed his lips against yours and you freaking loved it. You loved the way your body melted into his. The way your lips perfectly fitted like two puzzle pieces. The way Duncan held you tighter and tighter. It sent shivers down your back. His only desire was to touch you, to move his hands under your layers and feel your smooth skin.

You two broke the kiss for a second to catch your breath. Then he pulled you in, claiming your mouth again, hungry and intense. Duncan lowered his hands down your hips, cupping your ass and dragging you impossibly close. You deepened the kiss swallowing his groan of pleasure as you lost into each other, no space between you two. His hands were exploring your body, while you grabbed his hair tightly to restrain your own moans.

Slowly, you started exploring each other’s mouths with your tongues. Sometimes sucking his lower lip and biting it a little bit. He started kissing your jaw and leaving hickeys on your neck. He didn’t want to let you go, so he pulled you again and kissed you so hard, with much more intensity. He squeezed you, suggesting that he wasn’t going to stop. You didn’t mind at all and continued making out.

He slowly put his hands under your blouse, trying to reach and unhook your bra, eager to run his fingers along your breasts and rub it. You began unbuttoning his button-down, seductively leaving wet kisses and love bites on his chest. He moaned. Then Duncan raised your blouse and took it off completely, so he could see you.

“You’re beautiful” he purred, and started massaging your chest and kissing it hardly, licking and biting gently your nipple. While Duncan was playing with your body, you could only keep on tugging his hair, making his moans vibrate against your body. Then he kneeled down kissing your stomach.

Both of you couldn’t silent your groans anymore, the entire room was filled by sexual noises. But you didn’t care at all. You knew where it was going. Duncan pushed you against a wall, grinding on you and you could clearly feel his hardness pressed against your body. You needed more friction.

“Jump.” he suddenly hinted, and used his veiny arms to hold you up by your thighs lifting you off the ground. You wrapped your legs around his waist. Your core was throbbing at that very moment.

But you were brought back to planet Earth right after; that divine feeling was ruined by a pesky thought that clouded your mind.

What if he’s just interested in sex?

He sensed your sudden slowing down. “If you want me to stop, tell me now,” he whispered. When you remained silent, he brushed his mouth against your temple,

“Or now.”

he followed the line of your cheekbone,

“Or now.”

now he was kissing your chin,

“Or—”

then your lips were against his, again. You kept undressing slowly, savoring the moment.

But that damn thought came back, stuck in your mind. And eventually it hit you. “Wait…wait” you said, trying to steady your breathing.

“What’s wrong angel? I did something wrong or..” he questioned worriedly. “No, not at all, it was perfect..but I don’t think this is right.”

“Wait what?! Why?” Duncan replied in disbelief.

“I’m not a yes girl, Duncan. I’m not looking for casual hookups, I really want to know you better and see where this leads us.” you smiled reassuringly, caressing his cheek. You were scared as fuck. Maybe he wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship, just random booty calls. But you had to take the risk. You wanted to.

“Uhm..yeah. I guess that sounds fair enough.” he chuckled and you released the breath you didn’t know you were holding. “How about a coffee date? I know a place, it’s quite secluded, to not attract the attention of press and journalists” you tilted your head and frowned,

“What do you mean?”

“Angel, I don’t want you to be targeted by newspapers, they aim to find some dirt on me and make every aspect of my private life public. I prefer keeping a low profile, and put you in an uncomfortable position is the last thing I would want.” “Oh, ok. I got it.” you were a little thoughtful, to be honest. But in that moment, you would have agreed with everything he was saying. You used every inch of strength you had, to stop and not go further. Not that there was anything wrong with that. You just wished to learn more about that handsome man in front of you; his desires, his passions, his values and aspirations.

“I’d better get back to work, they’ll wonder what happened to me.” he smirked. “Yeah, you better hurry up, then” you laughed, while putting your blouse on. “I’m gonna put aside the chosen clothes” you informed, but before you could leave the cramped room, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back in his arms, giving a last soft peck on your lips.

“How can I focus now, with the thought of you against me?!”

“You’ll have to make do with the memory..” you shot back “..for now.” you cooed, whispering in his hear.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch. You had exchanged numbers and with all those texts you were sending to each other, you felt like a schoolgirl again. Nothing could have ruined that sensation. Before going back home, Richard called you, questioning you about the meeting, not noticing your struggle to not make disconnected sentences or beat around the bush, to hide your embarrassment. Then, to thank you for having his back, he gave you another assignment: a high-society lady had requested a selection of gowns to choose, to attend a few fundraising events. Another important add-on for your CV. A few more efforts and they would have finally offered you the long-awaited position in the creative team.

The consultation had been set up two days later, you had to go to the customer’s penthouse this time. Ugh, lazy rich people. You rang the doorbell and right after you were greeted by a thin blonde girl, all fake boobs and tinted tips, wearing a dress that seemed closer to a long top, rather than an actual dress.

“Hey, you must be Y/N! Come in! I’ll be right back” she yelled. You came in holding the garment bag; you were shocked when you found out how actually big the apartment was: super modern, black & white themed and with some art hanging on the walls.

Uhm, de gustibus you muttered to yourself.

“Here I am, sorry for the waiting. I am Madison!” Why rich people seem so reluctant to share their last name with me? you mused, smiling to yourself.

“Let’s start, shall we?”

And then Madison took you to what has to be her large bedroom. Odd. That seemed more like a bachelor to you, but judging wasn’t your thing.

The fitting went smooth as silk. This Madison was a bombshell, every single dress fitted her body as it was sewn on her. For the upcoming event she chose a nude silk dress, that perfectly matched her skin tone. She looked pretty excited for the pick, so much that she started screaming and calling out loud, making you aware that there was someone else around.

“Muffin come here!!! I chose the dress!! It’s perfect oh my God! You must see it before I take it off!”

MUFFIN.

Seriously? Do not laugh, please, do not laugh.

You were biting her lip a little too hard. While Madison kept calling her…muffin, you decided to do something and began packing all the stuff back up into the bag.

“Oh finally, you walk so slow, babe…now, look! What do you think?” Before the man could answer she continued “Oh wait, how rude I am. Y/N, this is my fiancé...”

As soon as you turned around and lifted your gaze, your heart stopped beating.

“…Duncan!”

His smile soon disappeared too, replaced by a shocked and guilty expression, like a deer caught in the headlights. You froze in place.

You were trying to hold back the impending flood of tears, washing it away with your anger. A million different feelings rushed through you, but at the same time you couldn’t feel anything, just your own heart, literally breaking down in pieces.

“Do you already know each other?” Madison asked, noting Duncan’s surprise. You gathered all the strength left within you and stated

“Just one of the many customers.”

Then, lowering your broken voice, you sputtered a “Now I really have to go.”

Without saying anything more, you took the garment bag and run straight to the door, shutting it down behind your back. Right after, a teardrop rolled over your cheek, and your eyes started watering. Once that the first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. Before turning into a sobbing mess, you walked fast down the hallway, reaching the elevator and waiting for the doors to open up.

Before you could take another step, a large hand took you by the wrist, keeping you in place. You turned around and instantly pushed him back, trying to free yourself from his grip.

“Please,” he begged,

“Let me explain. Please, I don’t want to lose you! We have something..w-we can talk about it, please, wait!”

“Go to Hell” you snapped;

and then you shoved his hand away, entering the elevator. Stupid. I am so fucking stupid. You two looked at each other one last time, shedding tears. The eyes of both soaking blatantly. And then the doors shut.

That heartbreak felt like concrete drying in your chest.

________________________________________________________________

Tagging: (I hope you don’t mind BUT tell me if you want to be removed, I was just curious to know your opinion about it, if you'd like to read it) MUCH LOVE @ladynuwanda @hecohansen31 @michael-langdon-appreciation @sojournmichael @so-langdon @stupidocupido @sammythankyou @emmyrosee

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ooops-i-arted · 5 years

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Who’s your favorite companion for each Swtor class?

Omg I love so many but I do have definite faves. I hope you like long posts lol.

Impside:

Sith Inquisitor: KHEM VAL IS MY MOST FAVORITE COMPANION IN THE WHOLE GAME. There’s none of this ~misunderstood~ or ~a villain is a hero whose story hasn’t been told~ bullshit. No, he friggin’ eats people and he is evil af. He is a delightful ham and has great one-liners. He also has a soft spot for the Inquisitor - but (depending how you play it, but Illi is full DS) it’s still evil. Friends who murder together stay together. He is everything I want in a bad guy character. 10/10 ilu Khem you’re the best

Sith Warrior: Can’t go wrong with Vette. Love her sarcasm and wittiness and how she never loses her cheerfulness and defiance and kindness even in the very dark situations she ends up in. I also think Quinn is a pretty fascinating character, both in-universe and out. In-game he’s a man of duty caught between two masters and there’s so much you can do with that, depending how you play it. (Though it could’ve been so much more - I think the aftermath of the Quinncident is criminally underwritten. That should’ve had huge repercussions in the story, and with the Warrior’s relationship with Quinn.) Out-of-universe I just find it fascinating how half the fandom thinks he’s a dashing romantic hero and the other half thinks he’s a sniveling backstabber. It’s just kinda fun to observe.

Imperial Agent: Honestly I don’t really like any of them. Kaliyo is pretty cool but an awful person, so she’s somewhat enjoyable in a cringey way, and Raina is very sweet with an interesting backstory. But none of them really shine for me. (And Vector is my least favorite companion in the entire game.)

Bounty Hunter: I LOVE ALL OF THEM (except Skadge, but who even likes Skadge?) Mako is sweet and adorable but tough as nails and is the little sister Vae’ra never had and would protect with her life (and also what made me to play Vae as LS instead of DS). Gault is an asshole but charming enough to make you enjoy it, and I feel like he has a bit of a soft spot for the crew which redeems him a bit (ymmv on that), and he has the best quips. Torian is quiet but there’s so much depth with his fascinating backstory and his voice actor is really good at hinting that there’s so much more going on beneath the stoic surface. But if I had to pick a top fave it would have to be Blizz. Blizz is perfect, too precious for this world, if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this game and then Vae herself.

Pubside:

Jedi Knight: I don’t like any of them except T7, the Actual Purest of Cinnamon Rolls. T7 + Blizz = spinoff show plz.

Jedi Consular: Felix the Underrated. He’s kind and sensible and straightforward, which doesn’t make him the most interesting character on his own (imo) but in context of all the political stuff really makes him stand out in the Consular storyline as a continuous point of strength and reliability for the Consular, especially if you romance him. Also his [spoiler] holocron in the head thing is an incredible cool story idea and there should’ve been an entire storyline arc about that imo. Also Nadia is adorable and Qyzen is a badass, and his arc of shame to becoming a leader of his people is really cool.

Smuggler: I LOVE ALL OF THEM SO MUCH. Risha my snarky queen who doesn’t actually like you or want to be your friend except she’s so lonely and she so, so does, and reaches a point where she’s able to trust someone and be there friend after so long of not doing that. Bowdaar, who’s a total badass and yet totally chill at the same time. Goofy Guss the failed Jedi, who chooses to help you instead of his big bad boss just because he likes you. (And one of the very few highlights of KotFE was seeing him all grown up as a Jedi! SO PROUD OF MY FISH SON.) Akaavi loses everything she loves and could’ve been consumed by vengeance but decides to make a new family with the ragtag smuggler crew instead. And I’m sure none of you are surprised if I say Corso is my fave of the faves (and my 2nd fave in the whole game after Khem). I love that he’s loyal and kind and that he makes a conscious decision to always be loyal and kind, even if he gets screwed over or screws it up himself, just because it’s the right thing to do (even after having his birth and found family murdered, something that would be enough to send someone without as strong a moral core down a dark side path). Also the whole farmboy schtick reminds me of my grandparents’ farm and happy childhood memories. And he has my favorite NPC voice in the game.

Trooper: Honestly I can’t get into anything about the trooper, including companions, but Forex is the exception. I crack up every time he speaks and I decided Tesh’s ship is named the Durasteel Eagle after his “WE WILL RIDE THIS DURASTEEL EAGLE TO VICTORY” line. I salute you, patriotbot.

Bonus KotFE Edition: I liked HK-55 the best but now that I’ve actually played Kotor it’s kind of obvious he’s just a watered-down version of the Original HK Droid, who cannot be beat. I also like Koth and think he’s underrated, but he’s completely wasted by the writing (though who or what isn’t in KotFE?). The perspective of a Zakuulan could be fascinating and also useful and he should’ve been way better utilized by the story. Theron’s cool too.

#is it weird my fave comps are Cannibalistic Murder Sadist Monster and Farmboy?#that seems a little weird lol #swtor #asks #anon

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keepforward · 6 years

Text

7SEEDS: Last chapter, translation and thoughts

TL;DR: I translated the very last 7SEEDS chapter. KEEP IN MIND IT’S THE VERY LAST ONE, AND MIGHT BE SPOILERIFIC. Also, I have a lot of feelings, thoughts about the romantic couples, Ango’s situation, and more~

Of course, Spoilers for EVERYTHING.

Finally, about a year after its release, I finished translating the last chapter for 7SEEDS. It’s been a wild ride, and I am honestly impressed with how far I’ve come, and how much I’ve managed to learn along the way. Resources like Romaji to Kanji and Jisho have been an invaluable source of help and knowledge, which I feel deserve credit here.

Since this might not be making much sense: I’ve been translating the unreleased 7SEEDS chapters on Otakumole (if anyone has an account there—hello!! This is lisahey :D). Unfortunately, the very last one was not updated there, and I have no photoshop skillz, so.. this is as close as I can get to releasing my own version of this chapter, partly as a tribute to Tamura’s wonderful work.

Now, to talk about the ending…

Let’s talk about the pairings. I’ll admit it: I’m a huge shipper. Aramaki and Ayu were probably my favorite couple, and I would have loved to see at least an awkward little first kiss between them. Still, I know—both still have a long way to go, and I feel like Tamura made it pretty clear that they would eventually pair up. When Ran mentions something about having a lot of couples, we can see a shot with Semimaru/Natsu, Aramaki/Ayu, Gengoro/Akane, Haru/Koruri, and, naturally, Hana/Arash, so I believe we could call it canon. Even so… I still long to see more of my favorite characters T_T Perhaps I will have to resort to writing fanfiction to get over all these FEELINGS.

In that same topic, I recently saw an illustration with the 7SEEDS couples, which features Ayu holding both Aramaki and Tsunomata’s arms. Could Tamura be trying to say both could work? I believe so, but—I get the feeling that, from now on, Aramaki will be more proactive in their relationship (he did admit to Haru that he felt jealous), and eventually win over, whereas Tsunomata just… doesn’t care. I mean, he did just find out about his dead girlfriend, and his frozen baby, so— the guy might need some time to process that. Weirdly, I could see him pairing up with Botan… if only for the fact that he mentioned that he likes older women with big breasts, lol.

It is also worth mentioning that Ango is #foreveralone on that illustration, but also sort of… blends in with Ryou and Matsuri? … I’ll admit, with how close Ryou is to Ango, I could picture a threesome there. They WILL be travelling together for a long time, after all.

Natsu/Semimaru is… alright. Now that he’s decided that he likes her, Semimaru is clearly quite proactive (I believe he’s kissed her several times already?), while Natsu remains somewhat insecure. Clearly, she cares about him, but… is it really in a romantic way? I feel like Semimaru will have to learn to be more tender before he can truly win her over.

Karita/Ran was just… weird, to be honest. It sort of made sense for Karita to have a crush on Ran (she IS pretty awesome), but for Ran to return those feelings seems a little out of the blue. Karita… is a good guy, but I don’t believe he’s an equal to Ran in terms of maturity or, ahem, intelligence. I kind of get the feeling that Ran is using him for sex, and because, while not terribly bright, he’s loyal and reliable. I guess that might be enough for her? Still, Ran/Nijiko makes a lot more sense, in my eyes. There is that sexy panel with them discussing about the house—and, let’s face it, Nijiko is more on Ran’s intellectual level. Buuut I guess that, in this world, procreation is important…

Sakuya is also alone, apparently looking in Hana’s direction. Am I the only one who found him irritating? My guess is that he eventually paired up with someone… but whom? Who’d be willing to put up with his condescending, smug, unbearable ass? D:

Character bashing aside… I’ve seen some criticism for Ryou/Matsuri, but, personally, I enjoy it. Ryou can be mean as hell, but I think he’s demonstrated that he both needs and enjoys the company of cheerful, caring people, like Matsuri and Koruri. Matsuri sees the world differently than he does, and she has the courage to face him when he’s being a dick—and I think he’s come to realize that he needs that. While he might not be able to return it, he needs Matsuri’s cheerfulness, and her caring. Otherwise, he gets trapped in his own world— something I think is laid bare during the ‘ship and atom bomb’ arc, where he was constantly on edge, thinking of reality as a “test” full of traps. I have a lot of feelings for them! <3

…Though, I do wish we had seen more interactions between Ango and Matsuri, seeing as she is basically dating his best friend now, and they will be travelling together—possibly for YEARS.

Other than that, I wonder about the children. Will Hibari ever become less of an insufferable brat? After the dogs saved her, I thought Tamura might choose for her to work with the animals, but that seemingly wasn’t the case. On the other hand, she’s working with Momota, so that might lay the grounds for them to pair up in the future. I wonder about a triangle with Hotaru, further amplifying Hibari’s hatred and jealousy, but… I DO hope it wouldn’t come to that. Maybe Hotaru can find ~love~ in someone older, seeing as most of them are only about 4-6 years older than her.

Now… to talk about something a little more serious: what did you guys think about Ango’s redemption arc? It kind of broke my heart that there was clearly no going back, and that even close friends like Koruri and Gengoro were turning their backs on him. In a way, I think he’s self-exiling, trying to atone for his crimes. Will they manage to open the Ark? And if they do… will he be able to live a normal life with the others? Or will he keep travelling the world? Either way, I just hope the kid can finally find some peace.

In that vein of thought: was anyone else slightly irked that everyone was acting pretty… sanctimonious-like? Like, hey, Gengoro… remember when you okayed using Momota, a 12-year-old child, as bait for dinosaurs? Remember how you did nothing to help him as Ango forced him to climb a cliff, claiming you “understood how he felt”?

I also regard Ran’s comment about them “paying their respects to Izayoi” with a grain of salt. Akio and her, are believe, and some of the greatest offenders—and yet, no one ever brings it up, or tries to hold them accountable for any of it! They acted as villains at some point, stopping Ryuusei from getting water (which he needed for Kurumi, who was pregnant at the time), they locked in Hara and company inside that underground shelter, leaving behind their own teammate to possibly DIE down there, had they not managed to escape— they beat their team if they didn’t finish their chores, they stole and killed Izayoi’s animals, driving him to a failed mass murder attempt—BUT NO, Ango is the ONLY bad guy here, amiright!?!??! Poor Izayoi! They were such close ~*~friends~*~.

And, now, don’t get me wrong—I know Ango did something horrible, and I actually think that Hana’s fear of him is very legitimate, and well executed. I just wish the others would admit that they, too, aren’t perfect.

Despite my complaints, I still regard 7SEEDS as one of the best mangas ever written. It was a pleasure to translate it—and, I admit, I got somewhat teary eyed when I typed in the final “*END*”, as well as Tamura’s last, grateful goodbye.

Thank YOU, Tamura, for giving us so much throughout the years. You made this world come alive, to the point where I could simply never get enough of these many, beloved characters. I want to see them continue to grow, to mingle, to develop— but I understand that all good things must come to an end. And what an ending! I enjoyed that little background about Chimaki’s father, and was very touched when it turned out he did, after all, remember that single memory he had with his father. I hope you enjoy this translation, and, if you have any questions or recommendations, please let me know!

Wow this turned out long o_o

#7SEEDS #7 seeds #Tamura Yumi #Yumi Tamura

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piratequeenofpixies · 6 years

Text

Cafe Test Tag Game

Thanks for the tag, @writingonesdreams! (At long last I can post this! It’s taken far longer than I ever would have imagined (O_O) I’m sorry for taking so long!)

1. Did they get a cafe they liked? What kind of cafe do they like? What does that say about their character?

Embyr is satisfied with the cafe, yes, but she would prefer to get something from the castle kitchens. The cafe is a small, homey room, a corner shop she and Garan visit when they have the time. The owner is a heavyset, widowed matron with a love for all types of brews: teas, coffees, and every other kind of drink you can think of. Her daughter acts as barista and waitress, supplementing her mother’s beverages with her own sweet treats. Embyr’s relationship with this place--one of satisfaction and a willingness to please another (specifically a loved one) rather than love for the place itself--emphasizes her close relationship with her brother, since she puts his desires above hers. It also shows that she has distanced herself from her people, a tell-tale sign that not all is as it should be.

Garan is very satisfied with the cafe... ;) The atmosphere is warm and homey and the barista thinks he’s cute and doesn’t mind letting him know, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This points to his slight vanity and fondness for flirtation and pretty girls (he’s a very out-going person).

Ragnar isn’t happy anywhere there’re people, to be honest, but given he requires sustenance, and the nearest tavern is closed for the night, this will have to do. He would much prefer the tavern’s darker, cloudier atmosphere, however: it helps him to remain inconspicuous. This points to a selfish, non-interactive disposition and shady dealings.

Aidan would prefer a tavern since teas and pastries aren’t really his thing, but it’ll do in a pinch. He’s a very private, practical person, after all.

2. Where do they sit? (Near the door because there’s an exit? Near the back to hide? Where it’s shadowy? Where they’ll be seen by a waiter? Lots of table space for writing/drawing/hands? Minimal space? Would they ever sit with others? What do these things say about their character?)

Embyr sits near the window to have a view of the shops across the street, allowing her to avoid most interactions with other customers. “Their” table has plenty of floor space for any purchases she has made. While she would sit elsewhere or even sit with others if Garan really wanted to, she prefers to sit, just the two of them, at their usual spot. These seemingly small choices exhibit her relationship with Garan and her own unwillingness to interact with her people--a result of a sorry distance between them.

Garan prefers to sit in the center of the room, surrounded by tables full of people on all sides. Social butterfly in full, he loves to interact with others and especially desires to cultivate his relationship with his people as their prince and future king. He does, however, acquiesce to Embyr’s desire to sit by the front window, limiting interaction to three sides rather than four, in understanding of her introverted nature. (He sees and notices far more than she gives him credit for, and possibly more than she would like.) This points to his generous and sympathetic nature as a people-pleaser.

Ragnar chooses to sit in the farthest corner from the counter and fireplace. This area is dimmer and more heavily shadowed, hiding the fact that there is a back door with a “STAFF ONLY” sign that leads to a back alley and the kitchen through a narrow hallway. (He uses it anyway, in case you were wondering, and no, he doesn’t work there.) He never invites or allows anyone to sit with him. All of this is evidence of his loner nature, not to mention his distrust and disgust for others.

Aidan would probably prefer to sit by the exit himself, but if Jess (his wife) is present, then he (wisely lol) keeps his mouth shut--she always likes to sit by a window. He does this out of love of and devotion for her. :) <3

3. What do they order? (Is it sweet? Is it focused on hydration only? Is it expensive? (Can they afford it if it is?) Is it milky and warm? Is it to wake them up? To comfort them like a hot cocoa? Does it bring back memories? Do they get a drink connected to other people in their lives?)

Embyr orders the same drink every time: a sweet and tangy bellflower tea, chilled, with a strawberry scone on the side. It is moderately priced; even most of the lower class could afford it every once in a while. She finds the tea refreshing on a warm summer day, but other than that there really no reason for her to get it. It’s just her favorite.

Garan orders the somewhat-bitter blend of ground, roasted whitegrass in milk. He likes it hot and steaming (“A little like me,” he jokes). The strong flavor brings back memories of his mother tucking him into bed every night before she died, always with a roaring fire or lit candle and a steaming mug of whitegrass to savor. This points to his strong connection to his family and his sentimental attachment to the same, even those no longer living, not to mention his willingness to “lower” himself to others’ level (whitegrass is a food staple--he could have anything and he chooses to have what the commoners have).

Ragnar plans to orders whitegrass-in-milk blend but at the last moment changes his order to bellflower tea, which he’s never before tasted. He is pleasantly surprised that such a delicious concoction could come out of Lyssany (which he hates for various reasons) and orders some for the road as well.

Aidan orders whitegrass in milk with a dash of coffinberry juice--clear, flavorless liquid similar to our caffeine--to keep him awake. He watches carefully to ensure his drink isn’t poisoned, even though he knows such measures really aren’t necessary. It’s a habit he can’t seem to break.

4. If they get a snack, what do they get? (See above for similar questions to ask. Another good one is: Are they allergic to anything? Are there health concerns? Do they have to worry about their digestion for any reason? Or is their stomach made of steel?)

Embyr orders a strawberry scone drizzled with rich, sweet, maple syrup-y icing, still warm from the oven. Such scones were the first thing she ever tried at the cafe, and they have always been her go-to comfort food--even when the castle kitchens are open.

Garan gets...more whitegrass! He’s definitely a snacker and loves pretty much everything whitegrass, so roasted whitegrass heads (it’s a kind of grain in case I didn’t mention that already) are always on the menu. They’re also very filling; travelers often prepare and carry them. Garan’s consistency in this matter points to his reliability in other matters, too.

Ragnar gets roasted whitegrass heads--they have the most nutritional value despite being sold as a “light snack” and any he doesn’t eat now can be ground into flour later or taken on the road as they are.

Aidan doesn’t get anything--he’s not really a snacker but rather prefers to limit his (solid) intake to three square meals a day.

5. How do they pay? (Are they rich? Poor? Do they count their pennies or do they throw a whole bunch of gold on the table? Or are they rich and stingy, counting their pennies because that’s how they got rich in the first place? Do they run out without paying? Do they not [care] about the law? Are they desperate for a feed and want to pay but just can’t?)

Embyr usually lets Garan pay; she has plenty of money in her purse, of course, but Garan likes to order and she does not. (It involves talking to the barista, whom Embyr dislikes for her blatant flirtation with Garan. He’s friendly but not interested.)

Garan usually pays for his sister and/or any friends present; again, he is very generous. He is careful not to pay too much--not that that’s much of a problem, between his inexpensive tastes and plentiful funds--but tips freely, having an acute knowledge of the price of living in the Silver City he calls home.

Ragnar pays stingily, definitely. He’s used to scrimping here and there.

Aidan pays the appropriate amount with a strictly proper tip--his funds are not as limitless as they used to be.

6. How do they interact with staff? (No eye contact? Lots of smiles? Friendly banter? Awkward conversation?)

Embyr avoids contact with the staff when possible, but smiles stiffly and makes eye contact when necessary. She has gotten very good at faking interest--too good, sometimes--and therefore gets away with her rather rude demeanor. Again, this is an example of the wide distance between Embyr and her people, although her people have nothing to do with it: Embyr brought it all upon herself.

Garan loves people! So much! He’s always waving people over and smiling a lot and chatting up strangers just because, well, they’re people, aren’t they? (Seriously, can you tell how much I love this guy? He’s my fave.) Of course, this is further evidence of his strong relationship with and connection with his people (and people in general).

Ragnar avoids any and all interaction other than the bare minimum required to order. This causes him to come across as strange and intimidating in a peaceful land where friendliness is valued above caution.

Aidan is polite but reserved, drawing on the behavior drilled into him as a child to get him through most “professional” human interaction.

I’m tagging @scripturientworld, @alessia-writes, @clarissalopeswriter, and @lemonayyyyyde! (Feel free to ignore.)

Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day!

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