#good for her but now im mad on her behalf

[investingestincest]

starting the movie in tears because i already know who he'll choose

[blu3n]

["Hi, Blu3n, what do you think? how would Jason Petrr Todd be in a relationship? "]

Anon.

"1 he would be sooo communicative, i mean since the day he got back he's been telling bruce that he has a problem, he's told him exactly what that problem is, how it hurt, and how he can fix it. Everyone say's he never stops complaining and its like, yeah? cuz honey is still mad?? kill joker and he'll stfu about it bc he's still hurt. like he's not going to stop being upset until he's dead, and everyone is pushing the blame on him from bringing up valid arguments bc it makes them uncomfortable to admit that their system protecting their own moral comfort isn't working. If jason had a problem he would tell u about it, and you could actually fix it if you cared about it (unlike bruce...) also he would not hesitate to tell u he cares about you, he's said i love you so many times to love interests, idk if he's said it to bruce, but we know the sentiment is there. he would tell u he cares."

".2 his compassion babay!!!! hes sooo empathetic, he get so angry on behalf of the victims that he kills for them, and thats like, ugh, amazing. he knows what its like to be a victim and he can apply that feeling to everyone who needs an ear. he knows what its like to be a murderer too and so he holds nothing back for his victims (the self loathing is cute but sad.) his anger is his compassion weaponised, and im gonna make out with him for it."

".3 he's dependable!!! we all know that if he cares about you, bestie nothing will stop him from keeping u safe. he will kill for you. thats it. if your in a situation where batman needs to choose between u or someone else? jason would storm in, kick him to the side and choose you over and over (if he cares that is, gotta win his heart first am i right?) his code makes me feel much safer than bruces thats for sure. if i go rogue he can kill me."

".4 HE'S LOYAL!!! even after dying he still comes back to do what bruce taught him to, just a bit further u know? like he continues to protect gotham in his own way, he might not work for the bat but he's still a gotham boy and he loves her, protects her even after dying, he'd probably show u the same loyalty bc he's desperate for it back. he'd never cheat, tho i do expect him to be a bit jealous, but thats okay, i get the same lol."

"5 honestly his will to live turns me on a lil bit. im sorry you have to read this but when crawled outta the grave? i'd make out with him in that mud. i'd roll around with him in that mud. I'd tell him he's a good boy in that mud. maybe its not really a will to live and more a need to make them pay, but ugh,,, just his determination gets to me. theres just something so beautiful and gorgeous about crawling out of your grave, like yeeeessss im so angry that not even death can hold me back. i am alive and there is nothing you can do to stop me now, i will haunt the narrative except i wont haunt it because, im actually alive and im going to reshape the narrative to fit MY revenge and make the whole idea of death seem obsolete. suck it batman."

!! Owner of the post. !!!

NOTE:

Stop thinking that Jason would be terrible, in fact he has his disorders, but he would take care of you as if you were THE ONLY PERSON IN HIS ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

[mamawasatesttube]

So i was just rotating your "Jack drake lives au" in my mind and at the same time remembered those panels of superman shaking hands with Some Fucking Guy (i think he was being a bitch to Lois or smth) and he makes direct unflinching eye contact with the tight lipped smile and his grip is a little too tight to be friendly

Anyways im not saying he hates Jack but i do think Kon off-handedly mentioned the "joke" about his nail polish and Clark went "oh really now?" And didnt forget

So rip Jack at that family dinner night bc not only is Lois waiting for an excuse to obliterate him but Clark is right there with her and if jack thinks that Good Ol Country folk Ma and Pa will back him up then hes in for a surprise lol

oh yeah absolutely!!!! the thing is. literally Nobody likes jack in this au ksjdhfkd like kon and dick absolutely have texted each other to bitch about him, ma openly shakes her head when she hears about how he treats tim (and she WILL speak her mind if he ever tries to shut that sweet boy down in front of her!), cass literally won't speak to him bc he failed the vibe check so bad, etc...

and like. no one is telling tim this. they Know it'll make him feel like he has to defend his dad bc he loves him! but sometimes tim mentions oh he can't join for games this friday night, he and his dad are going on an early morning fishing trip. and cass just meets kon's eyes across the room behind tim's back and rolls her eyes so hard.

but yeah. clark will mostly let lois handle the obliteration with ma's backup as needed bc he knows she's got this. his form of expressing his severe disapproval of jack, his views, and his parenting? supporting tim. thanking him for doing the dishes after dinner, praising his work ethic, ruffling his hair and telling him he did a great job with that case he wrapped up last week, etc. it makes tim go "!!! :D!!!" like that pic of the cat getting patted. tim has always craved approval and affirmation and affection from people around him and he gets it in spades from the kents. and jack sees his son light up and open up around these people way more than he does with him. it's not a good feeling.

it's just tough bc like, tim doesn't want anyone getting mad at jack. but the idea of anyone getting mad at jack on his behalf is also just such a shock to him. he's not used to that. he feels like he has to manage jack and be responsible for him in a lot of ways (if jack says something shitty in front of lois, tim cringes because now jack is gonna get his ass handed to him and feel humiliated, and that's his dad and he was trying to help, and also he feels like it's on him that his dad is being like that. why? oh you know.) (its the unnamed emotional abuse, thats why.)

but also clark and kon watch lois ask tim how his degree is going now that he's in engineering school, and lightly rib him and ask if she can't poach him into investigative journalism instead, because she doesn't usually take interns but she'd make an exception! and tim cocks his head like a dog and says well, maaaybe he'd be down to consider an internship if she's serious? it does sound cool. what are the details? and jack, who barely gets more than one-word answers when he talks to tim about his future, is just kinda seething. heart rate goin up bc hes mad. and kon and clark just exchange extremely amused glances across the kitchen and sip their hot chocolates.

like the tim and jack dynamic is complicated; it'd be a lot easier if the love wasn't so real but it is present. its just that jack is soooo emotionally immature and grounded in Classic American Manhood and ideas of fatherhood. and the fact that tim is growing beyond that and not fitting in the mold he's "supposed" to eats at him. its a tragedy but also we are all pointing and laughing at jack every time superfam make him grind his teeth.

[iho6hi2]

Bastard - ❤️, 💔, 🍓

Bllk manager - 🐞, 🥊, 🚨

(Ik 6 is a lot but Im nosy)

Thank yuo for being nosy and curious 😢😢 *cries* You know how much I love it thank you :D Never stop asking me stuff!!

Bastard:

❤ (Who is the most important person to your character? To what lengths would they go to protect this person?) - To Toshiaki, it's not just a singular person, but rather one group of people. They think that their teammates, managers included obviously, are the most important people to them and they would probably **nonchalantly** mutilate anyone who hurts their feelings and be like "What're you crying about? I didn't skin them alive just for you to be snivelling like a baby" #Bastardcore 😍... Don't feel too disturbed BTW them ruining someone's life on your behalf is just how they show affection

💔 (Who has your character hurt the most? Physically or emotionally? How did it feel? Did they regret it?) - Emotionally, I think Bastard has hurt Natsumi the most 😁... Both intentionally and unintentionally but that's meant to be obvious considering their toxic yuri status. Y/n has only ever hurt Natsumi because they think it's better this way so in the end, they believe they're doing the right thing by driving her away. They genuinely believe they're doing her a favor by pushing her away and hurting her, but regret amd guilt come hand-in-hand after committing to it

🍓 (Does your OC believe in anything? Are they superstitious? Religious? Atheistic? Has anything in their past made them that way?) - Toshiaki doesn't like to dwell on highly philosophical and theological problems and themes because they believe it doesn't matter in the end. However, they're not one to put someone down because they're religious and neither do they completely throw the idea of a god existing out of the window, but they don't concern themselves too much with things that don't interest them.

-

Bllk Manager:

🐞(What does a perfect day look like for your OC? What do they do? What do they see?) - I will attempt to answer this with her words... "My day is perfectly ordinary <333 I wake up in the Blue Lock prison and bask in the tension between the players and managers! They look so cute when they act all uptight and anxious ^_^ Then I get my tray and stab holes through my breakfast before throwing it at the nearest manager's head!!! Uh-oh she's mad now oops :((( Then I help the stupid ugly crazy boys train and track their data... Boooring *yawn* I love going to the onsen tho!! It feels soo good to soak in hot water after a long day of putting up with disgusting pieces of trash... reminds me of the time I broke into this one girl's house and took a shower in there teehee 🥰🥰 such fun times!!!!"

🥊 (Has your character ever been in a fight? Did they win? Do they fight often? Are they trained professionally or self-taught? Do they enjoy fighting or only do so when necessary?) - Yes. Yes. Yes. 😁😁 She's self-taught because she believes that a job is only well-done if you do it yourself. She enjoys fighting but doesn't actively pick one, she's more-so the type that can smoke someone's pack if needed but other than that she likes spewing death threats to her opps and telling them how they will die in 10 years if they don't stop bothering her. The type to bring bear mace to a fistfight. Don't engage.

🚨(What's your character's relationship with the law? Have they ever been arrested? What for? What are their opinions on law enforcement?) - "FUCK THE POLICE!! ROB BANKS!! STAB STAB STAB!!" - her probably. The type to have a criminal background with the most random crimes committed and to have been in a cell for 2 years after disemboweling her unfaithful bf at the mall

[compassionatereminders]

Do you have any tips on how I can stop victim blaming?

That sounds really bad, but im assuming that's what it is. I love my best friend. She's like a sister to me. She's married to someone who is not good. In her words, He is financially abusive, a narcissist, and emotionally abusive. Her inlaws may or may not be worse. They have kids together.

I understand it's hard, and there is a cycle of abuse. He has never laid a hand on her. But he won't let her get a job (has even canceled the applications she put in and got accepted for, they have one bank account, he tells her to get groceries and she does and then he yells that she spent too much but he can spend over 100 on one item for himself). She feels she has no way out because she has no money.

She has asked me if she can stay with me. I told her absolutely. That was a week ago, and I know she was locating important documents.

And now she is staying. She is saying he's amazing again and how it was all in her head and she's getting therapy to help with her anxiety (but he refuses to do couples therapy because, and I quote "you're the crazy one who needs anti-anxiety medication" and that isnt a paraphrase i was sitting next to her when he said it).

I care for her and I dont want this to continue but I know its her choice. I feel stuck because it's a terrible thing and I cant help. I also am frustrated with and for her. I dont want to be mad or victim blame her, cause I've been in an abusive relationship before. And maybe thats why I want her to get out so bad? Idk do you have any tips?

Let her know that you want to support her in leaving, but don't push her before she's ready. Don't be another force in her life trying to make decisions on her behalf. Just let her know that what she's going through is abusive and wrong and that you'll do everything you can when she's ready. And in the meantime, just try to be a good, supportive friend so that she's reminded that not everyone in her life are trying to control and manipulate her choices without her consent

[quenthel]

sorry to hear you had a bad time gaming. what happened in that raid if you don't mind me asking?

well before the launch of the season one of the officers left suddenly and i later found out that another officer essentially drove her away and its the same officer who drove away another female officer over a year ago so thats not a good look at all to begin with. so two friends of mine and I were super mad abt it (one of those friends is an officer himself and he was pretty close w the woman they drove away like they met up irl and had a fun time and everything)

then my other friend noticed that two officers (one is the same guy who did the sexism crimes) hate him and never give him loot and if they do they always make some snide comment and it kind of got ridiclous last night bc they gave something away to a person who is a recruit over him (and hes been one of our top raiders for like 6-7 years now AND he is in the top 5 dps) n that kind of the last straw bc esentially a few ppl (including those 2 officers) formed a weird old boys club in the guild based on who they like and they just gave those few ppl everything and it sucks ass. like i stayed mainly bc ive been in this guild longer than both of them or the people who formed the clique so like lol its my house.

also at launch we did a little launch party and we turned on our cams (most of us) and while several ppl i have met irl most of these guys never saw me before and after they just got super nice just bc im like good looking which feels bad ngl... AND 2 of the guys in beforementioned clique do not like me (one of them is jelaous im above him on the healing meters which is fucking pathetic) and the other is the same person who kicked out 2 women before me.... and back when i was officer i even told them never to elevate him into the position bc he wont be able to handle it and yet while i was away during shadowlands they did it anyway so its all a bit :/

but yeah its mostly just my guild has been a bit weird for a while and i simply dont rly enjoy the game as much rn but i was mostly angry on my friend's behalf ngl

[chososcamgirl]

HEY SIGMA IYA!! DAILY CHECK INNNN HRUUUU???? I HOPE UR SKIBIDI (on the behalf of me) SINDE MY DAY WAS VERY NOT SKIBIDI *growls* SO BASICALLY MY ENGLISH TEACHER IS TARGETING ME.. I CAN JUST FEEL ITTTTTT LIKE SHE IS SO RUDE TO ME AND LITERALLY GETS MAD AT ME FOR THINGS MY ORHER CLASSMATES DO. 👿👿👿🔥🔥‼️🙂‍↕️😭 I TRIED BEING SOOO NICE TO HER BUT IG IM JUST TOO SKIBIDI FOR HER TO HANDEL.. heh… RAHHHH SHE LIKE TELLS ME HOW TETRIBLE MY WRITING IS BUT REFUSES TO HELP ME IMPOROVE LIKE WHATTTTT 👿 IM LIT SO NICE TO HER N IVE NECER EXPRESSED HATRED TORWARDS HER.. BUT SHES AN OP NOW 😡🤬🤧 AND I KEEP BLANKING OUT IN CLASS N STUFF SO I HAD TO MEET WITH THE COUNCIL TO TRY AND SEE IF I HAD ANYTHING GOING ON.. ISK TODAY WAS JUST RLLY SCARY BUT AS THE ALPHA SIGMA I MUST TEMAIN NONCHALANT…. ALSOOO ANOTHER RANDOM BIG FEAR OF MINE IS THAT THESE PERSONAL DAILY YAP SESSIONS OF MINE REVEAL WHO I AM TO AN IRL OR OTHER ONLINE FRIEND… CUS LIKEEE I LOCE TO YAP TO WVERYONE ABT MY LIFE IN DETAIL SO IFFF SOMEONE FINDS THESE IM SOO COOKED BRO 👿 Anywayyyy HOW WAS WORKKK?? ANYTHING FUN HAPPEN??? I LOVE HEWRING U YAP SIGMA POOPOO AND ALSOO IM SOO EXCITED FOR NEW CHAPTERRR IM CUTRENTLY WAITING FOR IT BEFORE I GO TO BED… LOVE YOU POOPOO!!!

- 🐺

HI ALPHA!!! 🐺🐺

IM GOOD!! though im not feeling quite skibidi due to this migraine 💔💔 DUDE im telling u ur english teacher is after u… certified opp i used to have a teacher like that in 4th grade (this teacher was OUT for me like i was such a good student but she HATED me for some reason😭) aw i hope ur okay alpha😓😓 don’t worry that teacher is NOT skibidi at all and in fact a beta trying to get to ur alpha level.. she’s trying to claim ur alpha title so DONT let her do that and remain skibidi and strong…. u r the mysterious nonchalant alpha leader🫵 LMFAOO that’s actually so cute don’t worry i don’t think any of them will find my blog (unless u directly told them otherwise HELP) work was actually so fun and i enjoy it so much actually😭 like it’s really me ?? idk how to explain it but yeah i LOVE everything abt it. ALWAYS LOVE HEARING U YAP UR HEART AWAY ALPHA <333 omg i hope u weren’t waiting up too long bc it got delayed 😣😣 anyways REST WELL!! i look forward to ur daily check in tmr😈

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I re-read my post about chapters 22-30 and I realized that theres so much I just fully forgot to mention, mostly relating to the inner circle so heres a quick summary of my thoughts about each ic member now that Im about halfway through the book and have spent some time with them. To briefly recap my previous thoughts, I think their group dynamic is insanely uncomfortable because of how apparent their hierarchy is and also none of them seem to actually like each other all that much

Amren

I dont dislike her in the sense that I dont dislike her personality or the basic concept of her character, but I do hate that shes in the inner circle at all. Like, whats this eldritch creature trapped in a body thats not her own doing hanging out with all these boring people ass people FOR 500 YEARS dude, if I had to spend 500 years with Rhysand I would destroy the entire night court regardless of whether or not I had Amren-levels of power. Like, why on earth would she be satisfied playing second fiddle to Rhysand and living in an APARTMENT in his stupid °•~City of Starlight~•° when shes supposed to be like a billion years old and a thousand times more powerful than him. I feel like itd be interesting to explore that but I know that we really dont from watching cari can read's summaries, so she just ends up being a character thats supposed to be interesting because shes so mysterious but is actually so shrouded in intrigue that it turns around and she just becomes boring again

Mor

When I first met her I said that something about her bothered me but I couldnt put my finger on what it was, but that I still kinda liked her because she atleast annoyed Rhysand. She really hasnt annoyed Rhys in any way since her and Feyres first meeting so I like her less because of that and also because shes mostly just boring to me at the moment. I think another reason why I dont particularly like her is that she feels so intrinsically tied to the misogyny of this world that just suddenly materialized in this book and its really annoying, I would like to avoid that subplot as much as possible. She basically just exists to give Feyre a female friend at the Night Court and to show her that you can totally girlboss your way out of a misogynistic system! But you cant dismantle the system because uhhhhhhhh. change is like a glacier because its slow

Also, shes obviously meant to parallel Ianthe, like shes supposed to be the better version of her, but I cant even imagine her and Feyre making out sloppy style toxic yuri edition so I cant really see her as any kind of improvement. sorry

Cassian

One of my least favourite character types is Fratbro But You Put Him In A Fantasy Setting so Im not the biggest fan of this guy ngl. The one redeeming quality he has is that hes very obviously crushing on all of his friends bisexual style, especially Rhys and Azriel. Its almost a little sad but mostly its just very funny. Like whyd you wanna take their clothes at the illyrian camps so badly huh? You like seeing pretty boys squirm around naked?

Unfortunately, I know that hes gonna end up with Nesta and that hes not even gonna treat her well, my guy is gonna go from being gay because he likes men to being gay because he hates women and I am not looking forward to it

Speaking of Nessian, a lot of sjm critical anti nessian people say that Nesta and Cassian used to be so good and so genuinely romantic in ACOWAR and that their relationship got completely ruined in ACOSF and. I mean, granted they dont ever talk about Cassian behaviour towards Nesta during the meeting at her house in ACOMAF but I hated the way he was just so angry at her on Feyre's behalf when she wasnt even that mad herself, she just felt weird and bad. Of course, I havent read ACOWAR yet and I might change my mind in the future but right now, I'll just say it doesnt surprise me that Cassian would laugh at Nesta falling down the stairs

Azriel

My favourite guy!!! Out of this bunch I mean. My favourite guy in the entire ACOTAR series is probably Lucien, but if we're just talking about the jokers from the Night Court, then this guy is my favorite

I really wasnt expecting much from him, I thought he would have absolutely no personality from what Ive heard other people say about him, but hes basically exactly what I want in an edgy traumatized shadow boi. Ive talked about this before but I really dislike Rhysand and part of that is that I normally really like the archetype of the tortured edgy love interest with shadow powers but he makes it so goddamn annoying by being so flirty and cocky I just want to see him dead. But Azriel is quiet so he doesnt bothr me and also theres some intrigue about his backstory and the extend of his powes but he feels like a solid enough character that he doesnt become boring to me like Amren

I will say though, theres something particularly uncomfortable about watching anyone from the inner circle interact with him and vice versa, I think its because he seems like he doesnt actually like them more than anything else. Ive said this in a previous post, I think Cassian wants to be in a relationship good friends with him and he seems to think they have some good sunshine guy/grumpy guy banter going on but to me it just seems like Azriel genuinely dislikes him. And then he obviously doesnt trust Amren and I feel like hes in love with Mor and has been for a really long time but doesnt actually like her, I honestly feel like hes just sticking by Rhysand because he feels like he owes him and because it gives him an excuse to be close to his crush

Yknow, that I think about it maybe thats why I like him so much. I dont like the Inner Circle, he doesnt like the Inner Circle, thats a relatable king right there

[away-ward]

NAUURRRRR I SAW THIS, AND KO YOU JUST HAVE TO SUFFER WITH ME 😭😭😭 MichaelRikaKaiBanks bonus i swear im not lying, please be angry with me 😭😭😭🤡. L*nk on twitter/ x:

https://x.com/mytinyfighter/status/ 1702017261370851814?s=61

Just delete the space between / and 7.

I hope there'll never be a willemmy alexaydin istg 😭😭😭 ngl i kinda pd now

Ohhh someone told me about this! Thank you so much for sending it to me. Congratulations, you get a live reaction.

Wait... EmoryWill? D-do they not know Willemmy? Do they not use Willemmy? Willemmy is such a cute name for the pair/ship and honestly much cuter than the other couples'. I'm not being biased, this is fact.

EmoryWill. I'm already mad.

They're what? No. No. Rika is not the most hated. We hate how you interject her in scenes she's not needed. And I've never gotten anything but love for Banks.

Although, I do get a lot of Rika hate in my message box. I never get Banks hate. What are they talking about????

What side of the fandom are they interacting with?

How does everyone know about the steam room? I remember someone coming in on them but it's really gotten around like this that even in their own club, a "young woman" feels bold enough to sass Rika? And Rika has to keep "her chin up" like what? Are you embarrassed suddenly? Can't handle someone sassing you? Have you grown up at all, Rika?

And why is this girl allowed back if she's been given bloody noses before, probably for trying to insult Banks? Clearly, she's not there to learn so maybe they recommend they find a different club, hmm?

And Banks comes in with the logic. This is actually good for me because I've framed Banks differently in my head. So, for a clearer idea of her, I appreciate this.

I can't. I just.

It's not the overwhelming "Rika is perfect and beloved" narrative. Don't get it wrong. It's the way in contradicts the way I've framed them in my head (which, again, we've established is way off anyway so I don't know why I'm so annoyed). But I want them to all be all the same level. Why is it that Em and Alex and Will and Winter all love Rika, but Banks doesn't feel that same love from them?

In short, this is not the "chosen family" vibe I wanted. And now I'm mad. And sad. I'm Smad.

Let's see what else is in this box of fun, shall we?

Of course it was! He didn't practice abstinence before he met you. He had plenty of practice that had nothing to do with Rika.

I don't like her jealousy. Where's my logical Banks? *checks under a rock*

"It's been sitting between us." No, Banks. It's been sitting on you. No one else cares.

Does this mean Emory's safe??? I don't have to worry about random scenes popping up to ruin my ideas of her?

oh wait. you're right. Alex and Aydin are still waiting in the wings for their chance to steal the spotlight.

And on one hand, I get where Rika is coming from regarding Kai. On the other hand her saying things like "I don't think about Kai" and "Don't bring him up again" feels rude. Like dude, what he'd do to you? As far as I know, he's always been nice to you. You should think about him. I mean, respect that he has a wife and don't objectify him. But like... have nice thoughts about the guy.

I don't have to have nice thoughts about him. But I'm mad on Em's behalf.

I really wish this was the end of it. I wish it ended here with Banks agreeing but letting know Rika she doesn't mind and then they leave as friends with a deeper understanding of each other. Yay.

Knowing Michael (which, again... I don't), he probably got a little kick when talking to Kai, knowing that Rika wanted Banks more than him. He also probably kept it a secret because it fixed the relationship between him and Kai. No reason to be jealous of his best friend when his wife doesn't even want him.

She's what...? What kind of family is this????? Ten years and she's never had a reason to call Michael?

Michael starts talking and I immediately retch. That's horrible.

Well... that was something. I kind of feel bad for Kai. Is it just me, or does the line "trying to sort out his feelings" seem like he's not all that into it? I mean, of course he is because PD created him to be, but like... doesn't sound like someone who was positive that what's happening is what he wants.

Anyway. Thanks, I think. I don't know why I'm so annoyed. I knew how this was going to go and yet...

I object to everything here. Just for the record.

[bwobgames]

Previous First

"I. Uh. Might have developed a small crush on my brother's girlfriend.

Now, I dont really believe in love at first sight. But it was close enough.

She smiled at me once, twice, thrice, and then I realized I wanted to see that smile forever. It's just!! Everything felt better with her by my side, you know? Have you ever felt that?"

An image comes to his mind, but he can't recognize it. It quickly disappears.

"We were best friends. We shared makeup and talked all night and raised kids together, bestie stuff.

I always thought of me and my brother as equals, i mean, we are both dumb rich kids who love pretty girls and sweet popcorn

But I never understood his ambition. He had everything! A beautiful wife, lovely kids, money, time, fame. Some of us dont have even one of those things!

So why did he not care about them?

He just left Mari abandoned in their house everyday, he barely went to do his job as CEO, He just ran around doing whatever! Why couldn't he just see how good he has it? The people he was hurting? The responsibilities of a husband and father??

One day Mari came to me, barely speaking, saying he divorced her.

I uh, didn't take it very well.

In my defense, if you saw someone having everything you've ever wanted and just threw it away, wouldn't you be a little mad?

And I know it's selfish and envy is bad or whatever. But he was hurting people. People I love very much. Even himself, i think.

We fought a lot, i told him he was a stupid spoiled child, and he told me i'd never achieve anything even with our parents' money. Then I, uh, said that I was glad he had little youth left because it meant he was gonna die soon.

Yeah... uh... maybe bringing childhood trauma into the divorce thing wasn't a good plan.

And I only realized it later, when he made some crazy internet thing and he was getting detained by the police.

Mari was not coping well, me neither, honestly. We both realized the person we knew was actually just in our heads and that the real person is some cruel stranger. It was almost like grieving.

We fought over the smallest things. Nadia and Simon decided to move to their friend's house. I went back to mine as well, I couldn't take it.

Just like him, I left her all alone. It must run in the family."

"So, yeah, she's probably super mad at me. And doesn't want to be with me ever again"

Beebo tries really hard not to tell her how wrong she is about that

"Well, let's go look for her then! I'll speak on your behalf, so you two dont have to face each other, but the message goes across. Where do you think she is?"

"Um, she said something about her kids, right? They usually are in the observation tower, so she might be looking for them there?"

"Alright, let's go there"

"I'm back I'm back!"

"The Vivi has been secured"

"You literally just made me turn every single location tracking app i have"

"And now you are secured"

"Um, hello?"

"Oh! This is my friend ..."

"Uh. Um. Oh fuck I still dont remember his name. And I literally asked him out! Seems like I still get all stupid in the presence of handsome men. I'll just wait until someone else says it"

" ... from college!, and his friend, Vivi right?"

"Hey Ollie, where is the lady with the blue hair I left you with?"

"We are going to her! She might be in an observation tower, we think"

"Wait, are we all going?"

"Yes. You need your emotional support me, I need my emotional support him and he needs his emotional support her"

"I can take it"

"Wait! I still dont know what to say to her! How do I say that Im sorry? That I love her?"

"I have suggestions"

"So do I"

"Mine would be funnier though"

"...Im so fucked"

[princessofxianle]

I’m the anon that asked you all the questions about your FX backstory AU, and I have another question!

1. How did Shen Liang die?

2. In one of your previous posts, you implied that SL and FX meet again when SL’s a ghost, and it seems like she torments FX whenever they cross paths. What made Shen Liang care about Feng Xin?

3. How did Shen Liang feel when Feng Xin ascended? Was there even the tiniest bit of pride at having her didi become a God?

4. Does Feng Xin ever get angry about how badly his sister treated him? And does he ever tell Shen Liang the extent as to how badly she hurt him emotionally?

5. In one of your posts, Hua Cheng introduces Feng Xin to his mother. Why would he do that?

6. If Xie Lian ever found out about Feng Xin’s childhood, would he be angry with Shen Liang on FX’s behalf?

Omg its one of my fav anons HI FRIEND, I’m sorry this took over a mOnth, I’ve been trying to stay sane irl but still wanted to get you quality answers bc your questions always get me GOING and help me answer some things even I still dont know

for reference:

| more asks | meet the OC's (FX's family) | #fx backstory au

*alex from the future here I WROTE A LOT AGAIN IM SORRY ...it will happen again*

Spoilers for my AU under the cut, obvi, I’m gonna pretend like yall are my writing group (but w/o any manuscript… you know what I mean lolol) WARNING im still planning some bits so some things are still up in the air until I find a good plot reason to nail them down:

1. How did Shen Liang die?

Good question! Honestly? I don’t know exactly. That’s something I was gonna leave until the day I decide to write her death (or simply reference it, since I hate having to UNFORTUNATELY remind myself that this AU is about Feng Xin not Shen Liang… my girl is stealing the show I swear lol)

What I DO know is that our good ol friend, Jun Wu, has a hand in killing her 😊 She has an ability to manipulate souls which JW deems could be used as a cure for human face disease. Can’t have that in our kingdom-ending pandemic, can we? So she’s just in his way to ruin our fav crown prince’s life. JW does give her a chance to help him with her said soul ability, but even if Shen Liang hates her brother, she’s not a murderer. No part of her soul will ever be that. She’s not about to help doom her kingdom. (2nd MORE ANGSTY option is JW *already*has the intent to use her ability for bad, so to protect her kingdom, she kills herself to stop him)

2. In one of your previous posts, you implied that SL and FX meet again when SL’s a ghost, and it seems like she torments FX whenever they cross paths. What made Shen Liang care about Feng Xin?

They actually meet twice! But I haven’t talked abt the 2nd time yet 😊

In regard to the 1st time, I’m not sure if you’re asking “why does SL care about FX at all?” or “why does ghost!SL take the time to care about FX?” so Ill answer both!

Spoiler: SL has always cared about FX, even before he was born (bear with me, she’s still awful to him BUT THERES REASONS) That fact doesn’t change after he’s born either. What *does* change is the state of her soul due to her inability to control her own soul manipulation ability bc of a traumatic event (the loss of her mother). Shen Liang’s soul never actually stops loving FX, but the half that *contains* that love, isn’t always present in her body. I’ll have to do more explanation on her ability later. It’s a lot.

Now, why does ghost!SL care? Well, she’s gone a little mad, as a ghost formed from a murder. She goes by the name Orange Snow Stitching Souls. And in her twisted logic, she has an ability to “help” people by fragmenting out parts of their soul and stitching the pieces back together as a means to “forget the things that pain them.” Essentially she goes around as a ghost observing people’s lives and if person A hurts person B, she makes person A forget about person B by cutting the memory out of their soul.

In this case, FX and ghost!SL meet shortly after FX leaves Xie Lian, so SL wants to force FX to forget about XL. She knows XL as the prince, AND she knows that FX was close with him. So “why not?” Feng Xin of course does not want this and resists. This conflict is LARGE. Plot standing AND in terms of fighting. It’s a huge turning point for them both in different ways.

3. How did Shen Liang feel when Feng Xin ascended? Was there even the tiniest bit of pride at having her didi become a God?

Another banger of a question. Since Feng Xin ascends after Shen Liang has become a low-ish level ghost, her reactions are… without nuance. But in short, yeah I’d like to think there was some pride there, yes. And during the 2nd time they meet, absolutely. She is incredibly proud. <- a full and healed soul will do that to a girl 😊

4. Does Feng Xin ever get angry about how badly his sister treated him? And does he ever tell Shen Liang the extent as to how badly she hurt him emotionally?

Tricky question. Short answer to the first part? Yes. He’s actually incredibly angry at her once he learns that’s *not* how siblings, or ANYONE should be treated. This reaction is incredibly delayed tho. Not until after their 2nd meeting does he fully understand. And yes, he’s angry at her, and also grieving the jiejie she could’ve been for him. He’s not sure if not having a sister altogether would’ve been better or worse. And yes, he does tell her during their first meeting as ghost and human. A lot of things he’s been holding back are let loose during that time. He’s just lost Xie Lian, his whole purpose, Shen Liang then makes things impossibly worse.

5. In one of your posts, Hua Cheng introduces Feng Xin to his mother. Why would he do that?

Another great question! And I say this because this time *I don’t fucking know* lolol

This is one plot points I need to somehow make happen. General idea is neither of them know who the other is exactly, but they meet as a god and ghost both in disguise in a village. All they know is they are two of the FEW that have fond memories of their fav god, the Crown Prince of Xianle who pleased the gods and, in a perfect world, would like to see him (ascend) again.

The other half is that Hua Cheng (pre tonglu era btw) has been accompanied by a ghost flame he found and cared for because 1. She reminds him of his own mother and 2. He reminds her of her son. AND they share lineage from the same foreign kingdom.

HC is smart. FXs story of a lost mother, and Shen Wangxi’s story of dying in childbirth and never seeing her son grow up, fit together… so he makes a metaphorical bet on it. And obviously, he wins. This is also when FX gets to KEEP HIS MOM WITH HIM for the next large chunk of time (yay!!!) until he runs into his jiejie for the 2nd time. (im still working on a concrete timeline for this but its at least 100 years)

6. If Xie Lian ever found out about Feng Xin’s childhood, would he be angry with Shen Liang on FX’s behalf?

To a point, yes I think he would. I think he would also be a little angry that FX never really told him about his family when he was serving as a bodyguard. FX still assures him it was improper. In post-extras canon times, they do talk about this explicitly. It’s one of those “this conversation should have happened ages ago but neither of us knew how to bring it up” type things. Unfortunately for Feng Xin, this information is forced out of (in this case its actually “into”) him due to the death of one particular memory-eating monster in the amnesia extra (does anyone see where im sorta going with this? …ehe…)

Thanks for these! Getting to your 2nd ask soon!

'til next time *salutes*

[prisonguards]

FR!!! Like oh my GOD I didnt even ship smallidarity before likeeeee I was just your average flower husbands fan, and I wanted to stick hard to the whole boundary compliance thing because I was part of dsmp twt for a year and. Well. That should say enough, iykyk. But then Joel just kept obsessing over Jimmy, Jimmy kept simping for Joel, and then the entire thing with the "he's just sooo cuuuute" and "can we just compare the size difference again, its my favorite thing ever" and whatever the fuck fixating on the noise Jimmy made was and it was like. Well. Bro. BRO. THEEEEN the having a CHILD together thing happened and I just fell into shipping them immediately from E2 alone. And now I'm watching E1 and I'm gonna rewatch 100h hardcore because your blog has just made it Worse.

This has been an entire tangent but the tldr is I didn't ship smallidarity until Joel was absolutely unbearable and obvious over just how much the cuteness aggression he gets over Jimmy Gets To Him.

Also I see your tags and I bring you this: in watching E1, am I insane or is the whole "Katherine was his first ally but I am his BEST ally, I will call her a coward and get genuinely angry at her for not going to the lengths I will to protect Jimmy" give off possessiveness. Not possessiveness as in jealousy, ownership, or anything like that but more in the sense that he takes great pride in being the one who takes care of Jimmy best, so to speak and to be the one who protects him when he needs it. This isn't really related at all to what you said but I'm doing my best and it's 6 AM as I write this, I have not slept and I should cut myself off before I spout even more nonsense.

- life series anon

ANON I LUV YOU AUSGEUE. I hope you get some good sleep friend aaueghd

I think that happened to a lot of people :3 smallidarity like was ramping up all season thanks to enemies to lovers being such a popular trope/dynamic but its Exploded in popularity lately and Im so thankful for that!!! whether it be from Joels fawning or their. insanity inducing innuendoes. the more fans the merrier ^—^

IM SO GLAD MY MADNESS HAS GOTTEN U TO WANNA REWATCH 100 HOURS :3c !!! its a comfort series for me for sure. and the episodes with Jimmy in them are. absolutely the best. ep 4 is one of my favorite episodes of anything ever. and if you want more Joel fawning over Jimmys cuteness…

YESSSSSS YES.. I ADORE THEM IN EMP S1!!! their dynamic is so unique there because of how wholly and overwhelmingly soft/positive it is. theyre allies from the start and BEST allies… auuughh.. yesshh Joel gets sooo defensive over Jimmy in s1 its beautiful. how quick he is to go absolutely murder mode for Jimmy. but how quick he is to be soft for him too. SIGGHHHHH. its my dream fr. the possessiveness.. YES.. theyre just SO important to eachother and it drives me crazy. he treats Jimmy so special. the way that he has little rooms for just Jimmy and Lizzie in his palace… the special roles they both hold… his wife and his best friend… there is def such a special connection there. and the possessiveness, Jimmy has so many more allies and close allies than Joel does. Joel just enforcing and affirming his station and specialness to Jimmy every once and a while.. by insulting his other allies augshs.. augh.. I just love them

also, for anyone else mulling over boundaries still; if you want specifics he just said he finds it “a bit weird” and iirc he didnt really say you cant do it. he just doesnt get it cause hes such a wifeguy. if youre concerned you can still tag it properly/keep it out of main tags. but if he was Really upset by it he would Not be encouraging and escalating it, and making the jokes he does, and putting them in his videos, and liking comments people make about them, and the tweets he makes, and and and and… if people are harassing u on behalf of him, they dont really care about what hes comfortable with, they just wanna punch down at someone. I get wanting to be respectful, but Ive also seen it used for such cruelty 💔 so I think the most important thing to keeping everyone, including the creators themselves, happy is to keep things to the right tags and spaces and being kind to yourself and others and blocking what you need and keeping out of peoples business.

[llycaons]

ep42 (1/3): jin ling just having the worst time of it

I don't think lwj genuinely hates anyone at this point in the story except maybe jc, but su she is definitely up there and is notable for being someone lwj has strong feelings about who is completely disconnected with wwx.

maybe contempt would be a better approximation of his feelings, but it's sure turned to hatred after the temple reveals

that's so freaky wtf. and now qin su will be in there too :(

one of the only mentions of wq postres ugh. and all wwx does is swallow and look to the side. it's not like he can publicly mourn her here

this was so fucking stupid ohhh im so mad on her behalf. it WOULD have been a more interesting and richer story had she lived lbr

he's very good, but also given the circumstances it's easy to be like 'what the fuck my dudes'

oh classic nhs fainting bit. I wonder why tho? was it to just make himself look vulnerable in front of jgy some more?

jin ling just watched his aunt stab herself and immediately die (those cursed blades, man) and his night is only going to get worse because he really likes wwx and he'll end this by stabbing him

YEAH they're intimate

aw yeah lwj sweeping in

their reactions to wwx unsheathing suibian are near comical here (not a bad thing)

aw :( he doesn't want to believe it

oh he is so funny. what a bitch

nhs wakes up to jgy and lwj pointing swords at each other and he OBVIOUSLY knows sjhdajhdks

jin ling desperately trying to make this not be the case

'extremely injured' do not start on this bullshit with me jgy I KNOW wwx wasn't just 'badly injured' for 16 years and mxy found his body and dragged it into his hovel and then gave up his body to heal him okay wwx was DEAD dead. weird translation

GET A JOB!!! KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER!!

oh he is so awful. this might appear to be sympathetic, but in fact it's patronizing. I do think jgy cares about jin ling, but I don't think he can turn it off. and he's clearly not hesitant about killing jl to further his own goals, so having him near jl when things are going to shit is really nerve-wracking

if you let your eyes blur a bit it looks like their holding hands

classic scene. lwj all 🥺 you REJECT lan zhan? you REJECT his love???

thank god I hate that mask

where's that post that's like *dramatic reveal* *cut to nhs who already knew it was wwx* *cut to jc who already knew it was wwx* *cut to lxc who

arguably it's a reaction to the reveal and not the info itself, but still

[nabumalikata]

ok heres my opinions on the archons so far ^_^

venti: idc about him much yet but i feel like i will. that bitch has secrets. love the wings on his archon outfit. tell me about the god of time and your connection to the afterlife you little freak of a man. also im mad at him on behalf of rosalyne, she deserved to kick him in the chest. deserved to do it again too

zhongli: i feel like his decision to fake his death by flinging his corpse into a bunch of people was weird but its ok. i fucking love that a long time ago he went door to door as morax basically being a pest control guy getting those weird little creatures out of people’s houses one by one. what the FUCK was the contract he made with the tsaritsa

ei: okay so i like her. was throwing her son out a window and dissociating for hundreds of years and letting everything go to shit and people die and suffer a good move? no but like i get it if all my friends and family died id probably wanna do the same thing. also how she is the shadow god not the lightning god is rly cool. and how she apparently sacrificed her body but makoto put it back and then she sacrificed it AGAIN and now she lives in a sword. wish she and scara literally got to meet like at all before he retconned himself tho. would be rly interesting

nahida: um thats a little baby. only helpful/useful archon we met so far. fucked that they put her in the hamster ball for being stupid at age 1. i like her a lot too. she had rly great development over the course of the aq and her second story quest was really good. thats my little friend. but i do wish her design had like elements from ANY of the cultures sumeru represents instead of just some white bell shaped dress :/

furina: wife as fuck. ive been posting about her a lot recently you’ve probably seen it. she’s insecure and feels like she needs to be entertaining for people to like her and i dont think shes stupid so much as she is just impulsive. the voice in the fountain post aq is really concerning whats wrong girl. and um. where was she before ascending? cuz shes not like nahida (born when the prev archon died) since nahida is the noted youngest one so she had to have been some sort of being before ascending to archon like the electro twins or the contract god or ventis little wind sprite thing.

pyro archon: apparently she’s dead or going to die. i am fucking begging them not to make her white. expectations are so low im not even sure how i can possibly disappointed but i know they will somehow anyway

the tsaritsa: GO GIRL GO!!!!!!!!!! whatever the fuck shes doing i support it. fuck celestia!!! get those gnoses!!! i like her a lot based on what little we know. cant wait to meet her and not fight her and join her side and love her

[formulapisces]

why did people misinterpret it that way? bc some people take everything as a personal attack on their faves. even in cases where it clearly isn't. like how tf you getting offended about lando saying lewis has always been a good driver? it is just mind boggling to me how you could get this so wrong. also, why are you getting mad at somebody lewis clearly adores? if he isn't hurt then why are you acting hurt on his behalf?

🦇 hi btw it's been a minute 😭😭

exactly?! it’s just frustrating and i’m bored of it at this point. they both get along, end of story. people are just finding any reason to knock him down.

also hi again 🤍 sorry about this rant, it’s just been on my mind, you don’t have to read it it’s just an update on pip and my thoughts on it so far 😅

i was watching a lot of youtube videos about pip yesterday and i’m just now realising what i’m getting myself into. it’s like everyone has a horror story with the benefits system in the UK, it took my sister months to get her DLA. the videos were really really helpful though, i watched one where they documented the whole process, and another of somebody talking through their application process which got them double enhanced for mental health and POTS which gave me a good idea of what to expect realistically and also just guidance.

if they don’t give me enough points then i’m going to go to mandatory reconsideration, and then from there i’m going to appeal, and then i’d go to tribunal if i have to but i hope not. (allegedly) 65% of people end up winning pip by the tribunal/appeal so if i have to go that far then i will.

almost everybody claiming pip for mental health get 0 points their first time, so that’s what i am expecting but i’ve found that almost every time they appeal they get awarded it. i’m also going to record the whole process so i can keep track, adhd wise and safety wise because i’ve heard the assessors are… not the nicest…

tomorrow i’m going to call them to request the form. i’m hoping for enhanced daily living and standard mobility because that is how i calculated it, but we’ll see. im pushing for that outcome and i think i have more than enough points for that, i just don’t believe they’ll award me those points. i seriously doubt i’ll get awarded it the first time but i’ll appeal as much as i have to because honestly, i’m desperate.

[eugenedream]

many thoughts - like paragraphs - so i shall save others from reading them

It’s interesting that you’ve picked the sea side. I know omega mentioned loving it and wanting to go back, so the circumstances are an interesting dichotomy. They also used to send women to the sea side when they went ‘mad’, it was an escape with intended therapeutic purposes. Again, probably a purposeful choice on your behalf. Excellent theme development. I also find the English sea side to be depicted as wild, harsh, and isolating in different media. A lot of show will have murders taking place at an isolated sea side town with the weather getting darker with the story. The sea can be turbulent, tumultuous, and unyielding. I feel that is really reflective of the journey we are about to take. Much like trauma, you learn to cope and work with the sea or it will drown you. I just thought that was so clever and so interesting and such wonderful characterisation, maybe even personification of the sea. Especially when you made a point on how omega would be spending lots of time looking out the windows, it really stuck me that this was a purposeful location.

We appreciate pookie kyle yes we do

CHRISTINE IS A GIRLS GIRLIE

side note - did i forget that im still mad at Simon about the heat debacle…yes i did - i feel like im still mad at him but he isn’t in as much shit as price is

sweet pookie kyle being a caretaker - although this is probably absolutely killing johnny, he’s a caretaker too. He’s done caretaking through some hard stuff, he knows he could do it. But he’s not the right fit at the moment

JOHNNY GETTING A BLANKET - LET HIM CAREGIVE

I hope simon can ease up on the guilt and self hatred he is definitely feeling about scruffing - i feel like he was the right person to do it but at the same time the most twisted bc of his experience with those omegas as cannon fodder and his personal physical trauma (excellent plot choices and storytelling girlie)

Johnny and Si travelling separately? Security precautions or Si can’t bear to look at her and Johnny just wants to hold her hand and fix it with beta caregiving?

The Garrick siblings are top tier betas end of story. I really love Ashley, I hope to see more of her. I think having a genuine friend for omega could be really good for her, but introducing new people to trust could be hard right now. But im all for omega having more female friendships.

side note - kmart (in Aus) has a strawberry shaped bathmat right now and i’m so incredibly tempted bc every time i see it i go ‘oh one of the boys would buy this for ‘mega’ and that makes me really want it - it’s also super stupidly cute

I could feel the determination - the repetition of ‘if you fall you won’t get back up’ ‘if you fall you’ll never be alone again’ really solidifies her need to do this for her and to process for her. not them. her. It’s not wholly about being stubborn (which she is) it’s about need and drive and remembering the good and making it out.

The weather has been lovely, it’s almost summer. I might take myself to the beach tomorrow. Enjoy the sun, and the sound.

Cherry Red, Crimson Blood

Chapter 36: To The Sea

Summary: It's time to move on. You're not sure where you're going exactly, but anywhere is better than Texas

Pairing: Poly 141 x reader

Word Count: 7,816 words

Warnings: ANGST, injuries, medical stuff, descriptions of pain and injuries, brief discussion about strangulation, mentions of PTSD and nightmares, so much crying, Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics, Alternate Universe, angst, a very little sprinkle of comfort, language, mentions of medications, still very heavy emotionally

A/N: Not actually a lot of warnings for this one. It's a lot of dialogue and inner monologues. Not a lot happens, just mostly setting the scene for the next chunk of the story. Bring tissues though, the last part of the chapter emotionally wrecked me but also might be the best thing I've ever written.

MASTERLIST | <- Previous | Next ->

It’s warm outside. 

Not even the shade from the building can completely shield you from the dome of heat that seems to surround the base. It seeps into the concrete and asphalt that lock it into place, trapping everyone in a bubble that may as well be an oven. It’s always hot in Texas, though. You hate it. You’ve been spoiled by the cold, rainy seasons in England. You’d gladly take that over Texas. 

You’d take anything over Texas. 

The heat prickles at your skin, your arm starting to get sweaty in the sling. It had been Dr. Keller’s idea to keep your shoulder as still as possible so you don’t continue to cause yourself pain when you move. It still hurts, but at least you won’t instinctively try to use your left arm now.

Despite the warmth, there’s still a chill deep in your bones. The warmth of the pain medicine has worn off and you’ve been left with the perpetual ice that has seemed to coat your insides. Dr. Keller says it's the stress giving you a fever. Every nightmare, every flashback sends your body temperature spiking, your heart beating right out of your chest. You’re not out of the woods yet. It can take a long time to recover from that level of distress and the omega taking over. You almost regret it, but there was no guarantee you would have lived either way at that time. You did what you had to do, and it did work out in the end. 

But at what cost? 

Dr. Keller’s phone buzzes in her pocket and she pulls it out, staring down at the screen for a moment. “Kyle wants to come by.” 

You don’t want to see him. You don’t want to see any of them. 

“I think you should see him. Even if it’s just for a moment.” She squeezes your hand. “I’ll be right here.” 

It’s a predicament. Dr. Keller supports your decision to keep them away, putting some distance between all of you for the time being. Yet, she also says being close to your pack will help your healing. Having your pack around will help your omega settle once again. She needs that safety, that security before she finally lets go completely. 

You don’t want to be close to them, but you may not have any other choice. 

You sit there in silence, picking at the fabric of your sweatpants as you wait for Kyle’s arrival. Sweat has started to bead on your back, the day only getting warmer and warmer as the sun moves higher in the sky. You want to go back inside, back into the cool air conditioned building. You want to crawl back onto the hospital bed and lay there for the next few hours. 

You can’t. 

Footsteps approach, but you don’t look up. You know who it is. You don’t want to see him. 

“Kyle.” Dr. Keller greets. 

“Christine.” He says back. It still throws you off, hearing Dr. Keller's first name. She'll always be Dr. Keller to you. Kyle turns his attention to you, still standing a few steps from the bench you're perched on. “Hi, love.” He says. The affectionate nickname almost makes you wince. You don't look up at him. You don’t want to see his face. “I wanted to stop by and see how you’re doing.” 

You don't move, don't give an answer. You don't have an answer to give anyway. You shouldn't have to give an answer. 

He lowers himself onto the bench, sitting as far away from you as he can. “It’s hot today.” He says, adjusting his hat. Always wearing a hat. Maybe that's why he and Price work so well together. 

He stares at you for a long moment but you don't bother moving, your gaze still on your sweatpants. They're starting to get a bit warm, even with your perpetual chill. 

“I’m not here to apologize.” He says, breaking the silence. “You’ve probably heard enough apologies to last you a lifetime.” He shakes his head. “Words can’t fix what we did. Nothing can fix what we did, how we left you there. All we can do is give you what you need, try and make you as comfortable as possible.” 

Tears burn your eyes as you listen to him. He's not wrong, an apology won't fix what happened. No words will ever be able to fix what they put you through. You're not sure there's anything they could do that would make up for it. An apology still would have been nice, despite the fact you know how guilty he is. Their avoidance of you, their willingness to give you such space in an unknown place just proves how guilty they all are. 

That doesn't make things hurt any less. 

You slowly turn away from Kyle, angling yourself towards Dr. Keller. 

He doesn't say anything further in that regard, taking your movement as an answer to his non-apology. He leans forward instead, resting his elbows on his knees. “I just wanted to let you know that we’re getting ready to leave soon. We’ll be heading somewhere safe, somewhere quiet and secluded. I think you’ll like it.” 

Dr. Keller had informed you of that earlier after she went to speak to them. They've decided what to do, what's best for the pack again. You might have protested, except for the fact it meant you were getting to leave Texas. Where exactly they're taking you, you're not sure. You just know it's not Texas. 

“I want you to know that we’re here if you need us.” He stares at you for a moment longer before pushing himself up to stand. 

If, not when. 

Maybe they're finally getting the message. 

Dr. Keller stands, touching your right shoulder gently before she steps away with Kyle, speaking quietly with him, but you can still hear every word in the nearly silent space around you. 

“In an attempt to remain a neutral, professional party in this situation, I feel it would be appropriate for me to tell you not to beat yourself up too much about this.” Dr. Keller says. “The unprofessional side of me has many words I’d like to say to all of you.” She clears her throat. “That being said, on a positive note I can say you’re all doing the right thing for once, prioritizing your omega and fulfilling her needs, even if her needs require you to leave her alone for now. I know it’s hard, I know every instinct is screaming at you to help her, but just take comfort in knowing you are helping her. You’re doing the best thing you can do for her at this time.” Dr. Keller puts a hand on his arm, squeezing it gently. “Even if it is tearing you up inside.” 

“Thanks, Doc.” He says. 

“I’ll see you soon.” She says, patting his arm before she heads back towards your bench. 

You turn your head just slightly, not missing the way Gaz lingers for a brief moment before he turns his back on you, walking back down the sidewalk. 

It hurts. 

You want to cry with every swallow. No matter how much you chew, it doesn’t ease the pain of trying to swallow solid food. Even the worst sore throat you’ve ever had pales in comparison to this pain. Tears burn in your eyes as you eat, unable to refuse this time in favor of choking down some liquid nutrients. Even liquids make your throat ache, but they are easy to chug to get it over with at once. 

This feels like torture. 

Dr. Keller looks guilty as she spoon-feeds you the soup. Chicken noodle, something simple and easy but still something with some substance. It makes you think back to when you were sick as a child, your mother dutifully feeding you homemade chicken noodle soup until you reached the age you could feed yourself. 

You do feel like a child again, unable to even hold the spoon. Well, you could hold it, but it would have come at the expense of some burns from how badly your hand was shaking. 

So instead you sit here, being spoon-fed soup you can barely stand eating. 

“I know.” She says as a tear finally falls, your inhale shaky from the ache in your throat. “You need something in your system for the sedative. It’s a long flight and you’ll be sick when you wake up if you don’t have anything in your stomach. That’s going to hurt a lot worse than eating now.” 

Yeah. You’ve already figured that out. 

“Strangulation is a tough thing to survive.” She says, dragging the bottom of the spoon against the edge of the bowl to wipe off any soup that might drip on you. “Then again, so is getting shot, and distressing to the point of your omega taking over.” She holds the spoon up to your lips, and you’re tempted to refuse. “You’ve survived a lot, more than most could. And to look this good after...” 

You blink up at her, teary eyed and sickly looking, exhausted and bruised. Your left eye is still almost swollen shut, and your hair is tangled perhaps beyond saving, tied up in a bun at the top of your head. All just reminders of what you survived, all reminders of what happened to you. Of what was allowed to happen to you. 

You’re not quite sure when the last time you had a real shower was either. 

“I know.” She says, spooning more soup into your mouth. “You might not feel like it, right now.” 

“I want a shower.” You say, your voice still hoarse and cracking through your throat. A real shower might solve a lot of problems for you right now. It won’t fix much, but being truly clean would make a lot of things feel better. 

“I wholeheartedly agree.” Dr. Keller says. 

You give her a look. You don't smell that bad. She should know, she’s the one that cleaned the blood off of you and the one who gave you the sponge bath this morning. 

She gives you a look back. “I meant it would be nice to take a real shower. Once we get where we’re going, we can work on the logistics of a shower.” 

Right. You can’t exactly stand for a long time on your own, not to mention the problem of only being able to use one arm without bringing blinding pain upon yourself. That’s where the pack would come in handy. 

The thought of one of them seeing you vulnerable like that, putting their hands on you right now makes your skin crawl. 

A shiver runs down your spine, your body shuddering uncontrollably. You grunt as your shoulder screams in pain, another electric jolt burning straight through your nerves and down through your feet. Fuck. You mouth the word, squeezing your eyes shut. It makes your stomach churn, the soup starting to burn a path back up through your esophagus.

“Breathe for me.” Dr. Keller says, putting a gentle hand on your right shoulder. 

In and out. You focus on your breath, the only thing you can do without feeling like you’re going to go insane from the pain. It’s all you can do in this situation. It’s the only thing you can do at all. Breathe. Just keep breathing. 

Sometimes you don’t want to. 

The pain passes as it always does, leaving behind a subtle ache that will linger until the next flare of pain. It’s a constant, never-ending cycle that you can’t escape from. Weeks, Dr. Keller had said. It can take weeks to heal. You’ll be stuck in this cycle for weeks and weeks. What if it never heals? That is a possibility. It’s always a risk with any injury. 

What if the rest of your life is like this? 

You’re crying again, hot tears blazing a path down your cheeks. They won’t stop, they never stop. There’s a constant stream down your face, even in your sleep. You’ve woken to find your face and neck damp from the never ceasing flood of tears. 

How you can’t wait for the time to come when you have none left.

You’d welcome the numbness at this point, greet it like an old friend and invite it in for tea. Anything over the pain and tears that won’t stop. The depression-fueled numbness that had filled you when Price and Gaz left, then Soap and Ghost would be a welcome relief at this point. Anything would be better than the pain. 

You almost wish you were in a coma right now. Then you wouldn’t feel anything at all. 

Dr. Keller puts the spoon back into the soup bowl before rolling the table to the side. She puts a hand on your head, gently stroking your hair as you cry. The room is silent aside from your sniffles, Dr. Keller not having to say a single word. The silence is almost a blessing. You’re tired of hearing words, of hearing people speak. There’s nothing anyone can say that will do anything to help you, to comfort you, to make it better. 

There’s nothing anyone can do to make it better. 

You’re so tired of being like this. 

The sedative is kicking in before you even reach the airfield. She can see the way your head is drooping further and further forward in the car, your body jostling without any complaint. It had started kicking in before you even got into the car, as you offered very little resistance when Kyle helped her mauver you into the front seat. She chose Kyle out of everyone to help her in hopes it would be easiest on you. Your claimed alpha’s beta is a good place to start in rebuilding the bonds within the pack, and his calm demeanor certainly helps. He is a caretaker through and through, that beta trait prominent above the others in him. He would have made a good medic, had he gone that route. 

Your chin drops to your chest as the car comes to a stop in front of the plane, your body slumping to the side against the door. 

“She’s out.” Christine says, unbuckling her seatbelt. 

“Makes this easier.” Kyle says, getting out of the car. 

They maneuver you into the wheelchair, Christine easing your head onto your right shoulder to avoid aggravating the left. The less pain you’re in when you come out of it, the better, though pain will be unavoidable. Kyle pushes the wheelchair up the ramp of the plane, Christine following close behind. She’s glad she gave you the sedative before you left the med center to avoid as much pain as possible. She almost wishes she had given it to you earlier, as getting you into a sweatshirt had been a battle of its own. Though, the longer it stays in your system, the longer you’ll sleep through the flight. The longer you sleep through the flight, the longer they can delay the inevitable emotional storm of being enclosed in a tight space with your pack. 

If you’re lucky, you’ll be out of it long enough for them to reach the cottage without incident. 

John is waiting near the front of the aircraft, his eyes watching carefully as Kyle helps maneuver you into a seat. Even with the turmoil in the pack bonds, an alpha will always feel protective over their omega. There’s some things that can’t be undone, even in such a fragile state. Some instincts can’t be unlearned, no matter what. 

“I gave her a sedative.” Christine explains as she gets you as comfortable as possible in the seat. “It won’t last the whole flight, but it’ll take a while to wear off regardless.” 

“Is that more for her or for us?” John asks. 

“Both.” Christine says. “Mostly for her. It helps with the pain of moving around, but it will also keep her calm in close quarters like this.” 

“Here.” John says, handing her something. It’s a blanket, brand new by the feel of it. “Johnny made a store run this morning. It’s going to get cold in here, so he got the warmest one he could find.” 

Christine takes the blanket, the fabric thick and soft in her hands. It’s a touching gesture, speaking volumes of their desire to still care for you despite everything, their willingness to do what they have to, to keep the pack together. “Perfect.” She says, carefully draping it over you and tucking it around you before John gets you secured in the seat. 

“It’s going to be a long flight.” John says, taking a step back. 

“It is.” Christine says, pulling out her thermometer. She takes your temperature, letting out a hum at the number that pops up on screen. “I need to monitor her temperature.” She explains as John gives her a look. “It’s been spiking when she gets stressed.” 

“She's not quite out of it yet, is she?” John asks.

“Not quite.” She says, putting the thermometer back in her bag. “I’ve only seen two omegas successfully come back from that point, and I know the number across the board isn’t very high. It takes a long time for the body and the brain to get back to normal.” 

“And on top of everything that happened...” 

She stares up at him for a long moment. “She’s very strong. I knew she was a fighter, but to come out the other side even where she is now...” Christine shakes her head. “I didn’t want to say this at the time, but I was expecting the worst. When that call came in about what state she was in...” She bites her lip, holding the emotions back. “Her resilience and fortitude is what kept her alive. That and Simon’s courage to do what needed to be done.” 

“I know.” John says, looking past her. “We all owe a lot to him.” 

Christine puts a gentle hand on his arm. “You’re doing what’s best for her. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it goes against every instinct you have, it’s what she needs.” 

“That’s all that matters to us right now.” John says, staring down at her hand for a moment. “There’s nothing else we can do, so it’s time we start putting our priorities where they should have been the whole time.” 

Christine gives him a small smile. “I’m proud of you for that. It takes a lot to unlearn the things you’ve been told since the beginning.” 

The corner of John’s lips twitch before his face falls into the emotionless mask he’s been wearing for the last few days. “It’s about time we get our heads out of our arses.” 

“I can’t blame you totally.” She shrugs. “We were all just doing what the initiative was telling us to do. We couldn’t have known. There wasn’t any room to question it.” 

“I wish we would have figured it out sooner.” He sighs. 

“Things might have been worse if the truth did come out sooner. If you started digging into the initiative too soon, Shepherd might have gotten antsy and taken more drastic measures to stop the truth from coming out entirely.” She glances down at you. “I think this was all inevitable.” She turns her gaze back to John. “What happened, happened. None of us can change that. All we can do is keep moving forward with what we have right now.” 

He stares at her for a long moment. “The more time passes, the more I’ve come to realize why Kate chose you for this position.” 

The corner of her lips turns up in a smile. “Well, I am rather good at my job, which, among other things, involves advocating on behalf of omegas.” 

John huffs. “Wish we would have listened sooner.” 

“You can’t change the past.” She repeats, looking down at you again. “But you can change the future.” 

You woke from your sedation about four hours from Helston. 

Well, ’woke’ might have been too strong of a word for it. Your eyes opened, but you were still hazy, movements sluggish and entirely unaware of the world around you. You floated between sleep and awareness for an hour before finally gaining consciousness completely. Awareness took quite a while to return, though. Not until they were moving you to the car from the plane. 

Even still you’re groggy, slumped against the door in the back seat of the car. You blink slowly, eyes unfocused as you stare out the window at the blur of green passing by. 

“How is she?” John asks from the driver's seat, glancing up at the rearview mirror. 

“Cow.” You say, blinking slowly as the car passes a field of cows. 

“Still out of it.” Christine answers from the back seat where she's sitting next to you. Your response might have been enough to answer that. “Better than being in pain, though.” 

“How long will it take for her to get out of it?” Kyle asks. 

“Hopefully she’ll be more lucid by the time we get there, but it could take a few hours for it to completely wear off.” Christine says, wiping a bit of drool from your chin. “Probably not a bad thing. This is a big change, and with everything that’s happened, it’s going to take some time to settle in.” 

“Things are going to be rough.” Kyle says. 

“Yes.” She agrees. “Being enclosed in a small space with the people you want to see the least in the world isn’t an ideal situation. It’ll be an adjustment for everyone. I trust all of your abilities to adapt, though. Just don't go in expecting things to be the way they were.”

John's hands tighten around the steering wheel, his knuckles going white. Kyle cracks his window open, prepared for the thickening of John's scent in the air. Christine knows she hit a nerve, but it needed to be said. Even if you were open to forgiveness right now, even if they had chosen to go after you right away, things still wouldn't be the same. Things won't ever be the same. It is their fault deep at the root of it. Those cameras were put up because of them, you were taken because of them. You were chosen for the “initiative” because of them, because Kate thought you'd fit in well with them. Their decisions shaped your life, and will continue to shape your life. 

Can you ever come to forgive them? Christine likes to think so. She has the hope that they can put in the work and regain your trust and earn eventual forgiveness. She knows you'll allow them to try once the initial hurt and emotions begin to fade, once the two of you put in enough work to start processing the trauma around the events that happened. It will take time. Probably a long time. 

She'll be there every step of the way. 

“Ashley did some shopping for us, picked up some stuff to get us until we can get into town.” Kyle says, looking at his phone. 

“Good.” John says, his shoulders starting to relax. “Should wait a couple days before going. Get settled in.”

“She's still working on cleaning up. Probably still be there when we get there.” Kyle says, putting his phone back in his pocket. 

“That's fine. We’ll probably have to utilize her a bit.” 

“Doubt she'll complain.” Kyle says, looking out the window. “Be thrilled to have something to do besides work.” 

You let out a quiet groan, shifting against the door. “Hurts.” 

“I know, honey.” Christine says, carefully adjusting your left arm. “I’ll give you more pain meds once we get to the cottage.” 

“We’ll be there in half an hour.” John says, glancing up at the rearview mirror again before turning his eyes back to the road. 

The half hour seems to take the longest as you continue to become more and more lucid and aware. The pain sets in first, your brain picking up on those signals before anything else. John’s knuckles are white around the steering wheel as you begin to whine and whimper around every bend in the road and turn he has to make, every jostle of the car. Every instinct in his body tells him to pull over and comfort you, but he can’t. It’s more important to get to the cottage, and there’s no guarantee you’d even let him. It might make things worse. 

The last thing you need right now is for things to get worse. 

Christine breathes a sigh of relief as they pull up to the cottage, glad she can finally get you somewhere more comfortable. You’ve been in far too many uncomfortable positions today, moved around too much. She would have liked to keep you in Texas a couple more days, but she knew as soon as you were able to travel, the better. The sooner they could get off the grid, the better. 

The sooner they could get out of Texas, the better. 

Kyle is getting the wheelchair out of the trunk when Johnny and Simon pull up, not having been far behind. They likely took a turn around the back roads to ensure no one was following and to keep things from looking too suspicious. 

Christine keeps you from slumping out of the car as she carefully opens the door on your side. You’re more awake than you were, blinking up at her with almost startlingly aware eyes.

“Crutch.” You pout when she pulls the wheelchair closer. 

She gives you a look. “Honey I'm not sure you could even stand right now.” You may be more aware, but that doesn’t mean your body is working as it should.

You let out a defiant noise as you attempt to get your legs out of the car, trying to hide your grunts of pain and discomfort. 

She's tempted to stand there and let you try, but she knows all hell will break loose if she lets you fall. She's not willing to take that risk, not to mention it will cause you more pain to get you up off the ground. 

“Come on,” She says, stopping you before you can get your feet under you. “Nice and slow.” 

You let out a quiet growl of indignation but you allow her to help you, your legs trembling as she eases you up. Kyle is there with the wheelchair, getting it as close to you as possible so she can sit you down quickly. 

“Ow.” You breathe, eyes pinched closed as you breathe through the pain. 

“I know.” She says, patting your good shoulder lightly. She's glad she put you in the sweatshirt before you left Texas. It's chilly outside, chillier than it was further inland a few days ago. 

It's hard to believe it's only been a few days since you were taken. Barely even a week. So much happened in such a short period of time. It feels like it’s been weeks since everything started, but then again, it had been weeks since John and Kyle first left. It had been weeks since you had been around your whole pack together by the time you were taken. The deep depression you sunk into before the events of the last week had been draining you slowly for weeks before this. It had started before John and Kyle were deployed, back to that day when you revealed the cameras and the secret you had been hiding from them. 

How long you’ve gone in such turmoil. 

How far you still have to go. 

The path up to the door is rocky and uneven, the wheelchair jostling as she pushes it up towards the door. She can picture your face, the way it has to be screwed up in pain. You're silent though, holding it all in. She almost wishes you weren't being silent about it. 

The door is already open, light shining from inside as she approaches. Kyle is in the house already, having gone ahead to greet his sister. John is right behind the two of you as Christine turns to wheel you up the steps into the house. His eyes are on you, focused and ready should you fall.  

Christine would never let you fall, and from the way your hand is gripping the arm of the chair for dear life, you probably couldn't anyway. 

She wheels you through the entryway, the inside warmer thanks to a fire that's burning. It's a nice cottage, far nicer than she had been expecting judging from the outside. 

Johnny lets out a low whistle as he enters behind John, looking around. “Yer parents own this?” 

“It was given to our mum by our grandparents. They did some...renovations before they passed it on.” Kyle says. 

“Yer tellin’ me.” Johnny says. 

It looks new inside. New wood floors, freshly painted walls. The furniture looks like she would expect to find in an English seaside cottage, though. Kyle’s parents went to France for summer vacation instead of utilizing the cottage, and none of his siblings had wanted to use it, he told them. It looks almost perfect, like it came right out of a home renovation show. Kyle’s sister must have worked some sort of magic to get it this clean. 

It is a very nice cottage. It’s small, the door opening right to the main area. There’s two couches and a chair in the middle of the room around a coffee table. To the left of the couches is a fireplace, the fire already lit and crackling. It looks original, likely having been untouched in the renovations. There’s a door to the left of the fireplace closer to the main entryway. A bedroom maybe? To the right of the front door are two doors, one on the far wall and one facing the front door. 

The stairs are in the middle of the house, leading up to the second floor where there’s likely more bedrooms. On the far side of the main area is the dining area and beyond that is a sliding glass door. Around the corner on the far side of the stairs is likely the kitchen. She can see the fridge from where she’s standing. It’s new. Very new. Makes her wonder just how long ago it had been renovated. 

“Everyone, this is my sister Ashley.” Kyle says, introducing the other woman in the room. 

“Hello,” she says, giving everyone a wave and a dazzling smile. 

She’s dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt, her medium box braids pulled up into a bun on top of her head. They look a lot alike, her and Kyle. Tall and slender and stunning. They have the same smile and the same soft brown eyes. She's wearing scent blockers, but Christine can imagine her having a soft scent like lavender or something fresh like mint. 

“There's two rooms down here, and two upstairs.” Kyle says. “The main bedroom is through there.” He points towards a door to their left. “I figure we'll give that to our omega. The bathroom in there has a walk-in shower.” 

“Perfect.” Christine says. That will make getting you in and out of the shower easier at least, and you won’t have to go far to use the bathroom.

“You should take the other room down here.” John says, looking at Christine. “So you can be close in case of an emergency.”

And so you don't have to be too close to them, so you won’t feel like they’re hovering.

He doesn't have to say that part out loud. 

“I put new sheets on all the beds.” Ashley says. “I also picked up everything Kyle sent on the list. Food, some clothes, some other necessities.”

You let out a quiet groan, Christine patting your head gently. You have to be exhausted and sore after the day. She should give you another dose of pain medicine like she said she would. You’re going to need it tonight. 

“Let's get you laying down for a bit.” She says, wheeling you towards the door. 

Kyle opens it for her, revealing a spacious room with a big window looking out towards the sea. You're going to spend a lot of time in front of that window, she thinks. The bed is in the middle of the room, and there’s two chairs facing the window. She’s almost tempted to sit you in one of the chairs, but laying down will be more comfortable for you right now. 

You're still too out of it now to care much as she wheels you to the double bed. With Kyle's help they get you horizontal, Christine draping the blanket at the end of the bed over you. It’s not very soft, but it will do for now. She’ll have to get the guys to pick up some soft blankets for you when they go to town. She has a whole list of things starting in her head she needs them to pick up.

She leans your crutch against the end of the bed just in case you might need it for an emergency. She hopes you’ll yell first, but you always have been stubborn. Being mostly bed-bound has only made that worse. 

“I’m going to go look through the things Ashley picked up.” She says, patting your leg gently. “Get some rest.” 

Christine leaves the door open a crack as she exits, wanting to give you a little privacy as you nap, or at least she hopes you’ll nap. It’s going to be a rough adjustment, and you’re going to need as much rest as you can get. 

“I’m assuming you’re Christine.” Ashley says, walking up to her. 

“I am.” She says, giving Ashley a smile. 

She can’t help but get lost in Ashley’s soft gaze for a moment. The Garrick siblings seem to share the same magnetic energy. There’s something almost ethereal about them. She could easily imagine them with glowing halos and angel wings. It’s almost like she’s being blessed with the opportunity to look upon her. She could spend an hour staring at Ashley’s face and not grow tired of looking at her.

“I picked up the items Kyle said you needed.” She says, motioning to the bags on the coffee table, pulling Christine out of her daze. “I couldn’t find the exact nutrient powder you asked for, so I got one that was as close as I could find.” 

Christine glances through the bags. She was thorough, getting at least two of everything. 

“I got warmer clothes for her too, since it can get chilly out here this time of year. Just some simple things for now until you guys get into town.” Ashley says. “I did some research too and I read that omegas like comforting things so I picked up some extra blankets and pillows” Ashley says, motioning to a couple bags sitting on the couch. “I also picked up this,” She pulls a stuffed dog from one of the bags, holding it up. “It was the softest one I could find. I thought it might help.” 

A small smile forms on Christine’s face, her heart fluttering in her chest from the sweet, thoughtful gesture. Ashley doesn’t even know you, nor did she know exactly what happened to you, and yet she went so far as to pick up some comfort items for you. You have nothing right now, only the borrowed clothes on your back. All of your belongings are still on base, all of the things that you had built to make your perfect nest. Would you want any of them still? Or have they been tainted by the events of the last few weeks? 

That Ashley thought to do this has warmth flooding Christine’s body. You can have some comfort now without having to wait for their trip to town. She almost feels the urge to cry. She wants to hug Ashley, thank her over and over for her kindness. Ashley has no idea how much her small act of kindness means, how much it's going to mean. 

A smile forms on Christine’s face as she stares at the stuffed dog. “It’s perfect.” 

You can hear it. 

In the distance, the quiet roar reaches your ears as you’re dragged from the sweet arms of sleep. It must be a dream, or perhaps the sedative is still clinging to your mind, making you imagine things. 

No. 

You’d know that sound anywhere. 

The effort to push yourself up to sit is a momentous one, every cell in your body protesting after a day of being moved and jostled. The last thing you want is to move right now, but you have to. 

The pain meds have done little to help.

The crutch at the end of your bed must be a thousand miles away as you sit there and stare at it. The ache in your body only increases as you become more and more aware of the pain, almost as if it can tell what it is your mind is planning. 

The door is cracked open, letting in a slit of light from outside. It’s dark in the room, the curtains pulled over the window. It’s a blessing compared to the bright yellow light outside the door. You welcome the darkness as your head begins to throb. You could call for assistance. You’d get more help than you needed. More help than you want. 

No. 

You need to do this. 

The effort it takes to get standing nearly sends you back onto the bed. The pain nearly blinds you as your feet touch the floor, your body leaning against the side of the mattress out of desperation. If you fall, you’ll never be alone again. You can’t afford that. You don’t want that. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

The breaths out of your nose are short and sharp as you reach for the crutch, fingers trembling in the effort to fight the pain threatening to blind you. You’re trembling like a leaf in a storm as your fingers finally wrap around the cool metal. The rubber bottom drags across the floor as you tug it over to you, holding it against your chest for a moment. 

Breathe. That’s what you need to do. Breathe. 

In and out. 

Nice and slow. 

The pain is only a memory. The pain is nothing. The memories forming at the edges of your mind will take over and wipe out the pain and the misery. You just have to be sure. You just have to be certain.

You push yourself upright using the crutch, tucking it under your arm. You should go back to bed. You should rest. 

No. 

You need to know. 

You need to be certain.

The first step you take nearly makes you sick. 

It’s like watching a baby deer walk for the first time, knees wobbling, feet shaking. You lean heavily on the crutch, your determination the only thing keeping you from tumbling to the floor in a heap. That might almost hurt worse than forcing yourself to stand upright. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

Inch by inch you move across the floor, silently grateful for the socks on your feet. They allow you to slide across the hardwood, but they also pose a threat. Slide too far and you’ll lose your feet. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

The determination and your desire for certainty is what keeps you sliding inch by inch across the floor towards that strip of blinding light in front of you. It’s hovering before you, threatening you. How do you know there’s not one of them standing guard, waiting for you to try and leave? You can’t know. You don’t have a clue what’s waiting on the other side of that door. It could be nothing. It could be your entire pack. 

Breathe. 

In and out. 

You take a moment at the door, resting your aching feet. Your body is throbbing from the effort to keep yourself upright, the sedative still numbing your brain and your movements. It’s like treading through honey, everything twice as hard as it should be. You can walk. You’ve done it before. You did it in the medical center. 

You can do it here. 

You use the crutch to push the door open more, your free arm still tucked in a sling to keep you from moving it. Reaching for it with that arm would have put you on the floor, would have caused more pain than you needed, would have made you fall. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

Breathe. 

The light burns. Explosions of yellows and whites erupt behind your eyelids as you screw them tight against the sudden onslaught. The sun is in the room, shining its rays directly into your sensitive eyes. Your stomach churns, your fingers tightening around the crutch so tight your knuckles begin to ache. The oppressive light makes you want to recede back into the darkness of the room behind you like a vampire shying away from the light of day. 

No. 

You won’t be defeated by the harsh artificial lighting. You need to know. 

You need to be certain.

The others are moving around. You can hear voices around the corner, voices upstairs with thudding footsteps. The air is thick with a mesh of scents, cleaning chemicals, and the burn of scent blocker. Your nose wrinkles at the sudden onslaught against your senses, your sedated brain making it all seem so much worse. 

You need to know. 

The hardwood floors continue and you use them to your advantage as you shuffle your way across the main area. The fire crackles as you pass, the popping of a log making you startle. Your feet slide again, your body pushing up against the crutch to hold yourself steady. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

Your target is dead ahead, a mile away but so close you can almost taste it. Just past the dining table and straight on till morning. 

Despite your snail’s pace, no one seems to notice you shuffling your way across the house. It should make you upset, the fact that none of them notice you moving around, but instead it makes you glad. They’d try to stop you if they noticed you, turn you around and shuffle you back to bed. Or worse, they’d carry you. 

How easily you could slip away, though. 

Well...in theory. 

Perhaps that’s why they ‘re not paying you any mind. How far could you really go in your current state? 

Why would you want to stray from the only safe space you have? 

The world outside is more dangerous with the state you’re in. Not just because of your injuries and your status, but also because you know Shepherd is still out there, and for all you know Graves is as well. 

He could be waiting right outside the door. 

No. 

They’d know. 

They’d protect you. 

They failed. 

You push past the fear in favor of certainty as you push forward, passing the dining table in your slow crawl towards the sliding glass door. 

It poses an entirely new threat as you stand before it, staring out the darkened glass. You have to get it open. Getting it open takes strength and you’re down to one hand that’s trying to keep you upright. 

You have to know. 

You have to be certain. 

You lean your weight on the crutch, ignoring the way it digs into your armpit as you reach for the handle. You click the lock, wrapping your fingers around the plastic before pulling. Your body screams with pain as you tug, the door sliding in the track as slowly as you had moved across the small living area. It’s almost as if it's mocking you. 

It’s open only as wide as you need to crutch your way through, doing your best not to knock your left shoulder against the frame. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

Breathe. 

You can smell it. 

The salty sea air invades your senses, slipping up through your nose and straight into your brain. Memories come flooding back of childhood vacations back when things were simpler. Back when nothing mattered but the sand and the water and avoiding getting chased by your brothers carrying the piece of seaweed they found. 

Polkadot bathing suits, bright red to be seen easily. Toes in the water, sand everywhere. The nap in the silent car home. 

How simple life was back then. How easy life was. 

Your heart aches for those days again. The days when you could exist without a care in the world, trusting your pack would keep you safe, trusting your family would care for you. Your mind yearns for that sense of safety and security again. 

The world is grey as you hobble across the porch, the grey seeming to go on forever. You missed it, the chill in the air, the gloomy grey overhead. How you yearned for the gloom of England while stuck in the heat of Texas. 

Anything is better than Texas. 

Your forward shuffle pauses at the edge of the deck, your eyes looking out into the grey. Your breath catches in your throat as you stare out into the distance, the ache in your chest intensifying. It blocks out the pain in your body, numbing you to everything else as you stand there, legs trembling from the effort of going the short distance from your room to the end of the porch. 

You can see it. 

Emotions swirl inside of you like a hurricane as you stare out where the grey water meets the grey sky in the line of the horizon. Those emotions threaten to choke you as you stand there trembling at the edge of the porch. There’s a breeze, a cold one that bites through the fabric of your sweatshirt and into the skin below, but you don’t care. 

You can’t care. 

Your legs shake from the exertion, the neverending exhaustion that’s settled deep into your bones. It’s not just a physical exhaustion, but a mental one as well. It’s been a long week. 

Only a week. 

So much has happened in a week. 

You want to sit. You want to sink down onto the porch and rest. 

If you fall, you’ll never get up again. 

There’s a pain in your chest as your breath catches in your throat. The emotions are whirling, tightening around your chest, squeezing your lungs until they feel like they might pop. 

Breathe. 

In and out. 

You needed certainty. You needed to know. 

You can hear it. You can smell it. You can see it. 

A single tear rolls down your cheek as you stare out at the sea. 

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