#good excercise 10/10 would do again

[loonylooly]

i procrastinated all my homework just to draw myself in the arcane style and i thought the world needed to know

[lunarsilkscreen]

Filler [Templates and Algorithms]

In my last post; I explored why AI might create random information to fill empty space. In this one; I'm going to ask the question: Why do we humans do it with such frequency that AI thought it was necessary?

Youtubeists and Video Essayists talk about their formulas and how the [Algorithm] prioritizes certain types of videos over others. YouTube used to give preference over longer videos {for unknown reasons} but now is pushing tiktik style shorts. (And hopefully going to get a big payday from the app ban.)

In essence; video Essayists all noted that videos of a certain length would get more ad revenue and created a format that other essayists could follow; that in turn created a [Meta-data Standard] as the [algorithm] saw that many viewers of popular YouTubers who were using this formula would also watch other YouTubers following that same formula.

That encouraged YouTube to suggest videos with similar metadata to viewers who watched videos with similar metadata. It makes sense if you think about how particular users use YouTube. Many use it as one would listen to podcasts; something that plays for a few hours in the background while exercising or doing productive things. Or in some cases; as a sleep aid [brown noise].

And so YouTubers adopted these rules enmasse because "That's what you do if you wanna be a professional and successful YouTuber." They had created what we would call a "Standard".

Now this isn't a new thing, humans have done what the [algorithm] has done manually; with things like magazine article length, paperback book length; professionally written letter length, educational material, even fliers have [professional] templates one would use if you want to give it that [Professional Tailored Suit] appeal.

Even essays written for High School and College have what's known as Word Count Minimums and Maximums.

The thing is; when You've run out of subject matter to talk about; how do you fill the space in order to meet those arbitrary minimums? What professionals call "Fluff". Entire articles, sitcom episodes, and even movies have been made with "Fluff Material".

And what this means is to fill the space with words that don't mean anything. This is part of the reason educational material sucks. There's a lot of fluff that ultimately wastes the readers time with absolutely no added value.

Fluff can take the form of several different variations; Repeating a sentence two or three different times or trying to add a joke that just isn't funny.

"The current president is topical, how about the poor unsmart job he sure is doing!?"

Or just putting a sentence that just doesn't have any reason for being in the middle of a paragraph.

I won't say that there isn't a reason for the existence of some fluff. Some fluff is good. But when every single piece is 89% fluff and 11% content... Well... AI is gonna mimic it.

If few word do trick, and convey the intended meaning; then why bother adding more just because you feel like it might be the better thing to do?

And you know what I mean when you've been listening to that same 10 minutes of a particular video over and over again trying to understand what it is they're talking about; only to discover in the next 2 minutes that the entire ten minutes was a pointless excercise.

Now I could go on and on about what different kinds of fluff look like in text. I could talk about pointless metaphors. Or over explaining a concept because you didn't think the target audience will understand, and ultimately confusing the audience further. Or I could just have written an entire fluff piece on fluff; and then ended the post with an entire paragraph of fluff to demonstrate.

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

I Melt With You - Bakugou Katsuki

All Parts:

Part 10:

“Hey, Bakugou.” You greet easily, waving at him. “Can you believe it?”

“Jesus- what the hell are you on about now?”

“Nothing. Just, this marks the third time I’ve seen you without injury. Good on you buddy, setting a personal record and everything.”

He huffs, pushing off the wall. Bakugou is without his costume, clad in just normal sweats. The sight makes you feel a little bad- it was obviously his day off, but there he was working. Sacrificing his time for you.

“Fuck you.” He grumbles, without any bite. “Seriously. Fuck you.”

“C’mon, grumpy, don’t get so huffy.” You say playfully. “I was mostly joking, but I did mean it. I think I like you a whole lot better when there’s no blood involved.”

He starts to smile, just for a second, before he quickly evens his expression. It’s like he’s trying to hide the fact that it was there at all, quickly spinning around and starting off at a brisk pace. 

“Woah, slow down, no need to run, speedy. I’ll take it back if you’re so allergic to me being nice.”

Bakugou doesn’t respond, but he does slow down. Just minutely. Hardly even at all if you really think about it, but hey, at least you’re not basically running after him anymore.

“What’s got you so cheery, hah?” He asks after a beat, making an intentional point not to make eye contact. “It’s late- you’re not tired again?”

His tone catches you off-guard, something accusatory underneath that has you scrunching your nose. You’re not exactly sure what he’s getting at, but you can read his prickly tone for what it is- Bakugou is making fun of you. 

“No. I’m actually not tired, thank you very much.”

“That’s not what you were saying last night.”

“You know, that sentence from anyone else would offend me- but from you?” You scoff, squinting your eyes at him. “Well, I’m sure it was meant as an insult, not an insinutation; so I’ll refrain from calling you a pig. For now.”

“Call me anything and see where it gets ya, leech.”

“What’re you gonna do? Fight me?”

“Please, it wouldn’t be a fight.” He snorts, kicking at a rock in the road. It flies down the alley, all the way past the streetlamp’s glow. “See? I’d slaughter you.” 

“Yes! Probably!" You say in faux exasperation. "But it’s because you have way more practice at slaughtering people! I don’t know why you’re bragging about that- that’s totally not something normal people brag about!”

You throw your hands up, gesturing wildly, and Bakugou just sort of watches you. Doesn’t really react other than to evade one of your errant hands. You just barely miss him, the tips of your fingers clipping the fabric of his sweatshirt.

“What- nothing? You’ve got nothing to say about that? Course you don’t- because you’re proud of slaughtering people. Is that it? Huh?”

“I’m proud of winning.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“Close enough.” He shrugs. “'Sides, it’s not my fault I wasn’t listenin’. Ya said so many damn words to me.”

“That’s so rude! You-“

Seeing his smile, you cut yourself off half-way. It should hardly even count as a smile, really, it’s much more of a smirk- something entirely self-indulgent and dripping with arrogance. You’re not sure if you wanna punch him in the mouth or giggle.

“You jerk. You’re messing with me!” On impulse, you knock your shoulders into his. Bakugou doesn’t flinch- nor does he budge whatsoever. “You’re just being mean on purpose, aren’t you?”

“Course.”

“Why? Just, I don’t know, be nice?”

“Fuck that. No thanks.”

“You incredibly rude- you know that?”

“And you’re fuckin’ annoying.” He retorts, knocking his shoulders into yours. Bakugou smirks when you stumble. “See- I’d murder you in a fight.”

“No one was debating that!”

He just bites his lip, throwing his head back. It’s like Bakugou is trying to hide his smile; exposing the strong column of his throat to you, pale skin gone 10 shades of gold under the streetlamp.

It steals the breath from your lungs- how devastatingly beautiful he can be. You have to tear your eyes away.

“Hey, Bakugou, it’s your day off right?”

He eyes you a little strangely. “Yes? Why?”

“Geez- Don’t be so suspicious.” You laugh. “I only asked because I was curious.”

“The hell you have to be curious about?”

“Just what you’d be doing right now otherwise- you know, if you weren’t stuck walking me-“

“‘m not stuck. Wouldn’t do this if I didn’t need to.”

“Yeah, but still.” You take a breath. “What I mean, is that, I’m sorry if this is burdening you. I know this probably isn’t what you wanted to do on your day off.”

He eyes you, sniffing for a moment while he juts his chin out. “Eh- it’s fine. Walking this far outta my way is good excercise anywa-“

“This far? Oh my god- are you serious? Where do you live?”

“Far enough.”

“Bakugou.” You say sternly, staring him down. You’re well aware he’s not a man who’s easily scolded into revealing the truth, but damn if you weren’t going die trying. “Seriously- how far?”

“Fuck’s it matter to you for?”

“Because it just does! Now, c’mon really, I’m gonna feel like, super bad if you say you’ve gotta take a train her-“

“No train, so quit bitching.” He scans the street for a moment, before turning back to look at you. “Not that far. Half an hour, maybe, if I was running.”

“If you were running? What about walkin-“

“Not walking so it doesn’t matter.”

“It does!”

“It fuckin’ doesn’t-“

Then he’s standing ram-rod straight, slapping an open palm over your stomach and pushing you back. You’re flying back into the shadows, back slamming against the brick wall. Gasping, air knocked clean out of your lungs, it’s all you can do to keep your eyes open and watch him leave.

Bakugou hardly even looks back before he’s soaring past the end of the alley, explosions igniting under his palms. There’s no one, all is quiet, silent and tense and then- bam.

A mottled mass of muscles and pulsating flesh barrels through the building beside Bakugou. Debris rains down onto the street, down onto the exact spot you were standing moments ago. The flying detrius knocks Bakugou off course, and the blonde hardly dodges before the creature is slinging fists his way.

“Shouldn’t’a been makin’ such a scene!” Bakugou is all smirks and haughty confidence, seamlessly twisting and dodging the creature’s strikes. “Gave yourself away- I’ve got you now!”

Even breathless and winded, you can’t help but stare. Bakugou truly is something else- a terrifying bullet in the air, bordering on frenetic as he dodges. He’s so fast you’re worried he’ll catch fire. There’s a reckless sort of smile on his face, stretching his lips back around canines you’re sure are sharper than before. He’s throws his left palm out, explosion recoil throwing him just past the creature’s next attack. It’s enough of an opening for Bakugou to surge in, flashbang fingertips making contact with the beast’s abdomen.

“Really, that’s all?” He challenges, grinning like mad when the beast flies back from the impact. “No strategy at all? That’s not gonna fuckin’ work!”

And then he looks back at you, just for a singular moment, while the beast is bent over from his previous blow. The sight nearly knocks the air out of your lungs all over again.

Bakugou is terrifying. Manic and bloodthirsty and feverish almost, chest heaving with every labored breath. There’s something wild in his eyes, coloring his features in blood that hasn’t even been spilled yet. It’s intimidating and scary and overwhelming, but he’s dazzling too. A crazed smile, so blinding and brilliant, that it leaves an after-image long after he’s blasted away again.

Something snaps in you then, and you’re diving behind the nearest dumpster. It’s a little gross and cramped, but you hear plaster cracking around you, and suddenly it’s not so bad anymore. Your eyes are wide, watching the battle- and even when hidden it still feels too close.

Your heart is trapped in your throat, a battering ram even as you try to catch your breath. Everything is loud, and chaotic, and you’ve never been this close to a real battle before. It scares you. You clasp your hands around your ears, trying to block out the gargling and explosions. It’s not enough, your breath still picking up as explosion impact rattles the asphalt beneath your feet.

“You’re done!” You hear him shout, and suddenly the air goes white and hot, and bright.

You screw your eyes shut, and bite back a scream as an explosion rattles every surrounding window. The sound swallows everything, and the light show is even worse. Even through your eyelids it’s blazing. Bright enough to have you diving to the ground and tucking your head between your knees.

Then it’s quiet. Complete silence other than the ringing in your ears. You hear impact, a warbled groan, and then the sound of his voice.

“You fucker.” He roars. “I’m fuckin’ busy, you weak bitch, can’t ya fuckin’ see that?”

Another thud. Another groan.

“All this shit for some cash? Just get a job, you fuckin’ loser. Like the goddamn rest of us.”

You peak your head over the dumpster, and see Bakugou standing tall over the collapsed body. You’re not entirely sure how the villian’s quirk operates, but the mass of flesh is deflating by the second, leaving behind a skinny mess of bones and sinew.

“A front, hah? Pathetic.” Bakugou sneers, grinding his teeth before he snaps. “On your fuckin’ feet weakling- ‘m taking you in.”

Bakugou hauls the skinny man to his feet, trapping rail-thin arms tight to the man’s back. It’s only then that you choose to emerge, staggering slighty on your shaking legs. It’s like you’ve got tremors- your body practically bowled over by the sheer amount of adrenaline coursing through your veins.

“H-help- I didn’t-“ The skinny man starts, before Bakugou is sending a knee into the base of his spine.

“Don’t speak to her, you shit-stain.” Bakugou curls his lip. “Shut the hell up.”

You’re not really sure what to do then- caught between wanting to high-tail it in the complete opposite direction, and surging towards Bakugou. Because, if you weren’t certain before, you definitely were now; Bakugou knew what he was doing. And if worst ever came to worst, he’d stay true to all his threats. Nobody was getting to you while he was around.

“Follow. C’mon.” Bakugou nods towards the end of the street. “Police station. You know where it is. Let’s get the hell to it already.”

You just start walking- almost on autopilot. There’s a weird fuzz settling in your brain, the adrenaline seeping and leaving nothing but exhaustion behind. It’s disorienting because you weren’t even part of the fight- Bakugou had shoved you back long before you could have ever been in any real danger.

You’re not sure how he knew- how he could have possibly predicted the villain coming through the wall, but even still, you’re gratetful. Because you’re not hurt, only frazzled where you would’ve been massacred without him there.

Bakugou waits for you to pass him by, and only once you’re a good few steps ahead, does he start shoving his prisoner forward. The walk is tense and silent, the only noise being the occasional pained groan from the skinny man. There’s an undeniable air of intimidation coming from Bakugou, rolling off his skin and permeating every spare inch of air. It only adds more stress to an already harrowing situation.

The police station lies just where you remembered it, but you’ve never been this close before. You’d only seen it down the end of the street as you passed by- only through the fuzzy haze of exhaustion after your shift ended. Now there’s nothing hazy about it- just a stark white building and big glass doors. Big glass doors that Bakugou is surging through, prisoner in tow, and ordering you to stay behind.

When he’s through the door, it’s like your heart finally starts to catch up. You can feel it’s thud slow against you ribs, no longer jumping at every slight sound. You eyelids feel heavy, further weighed down by the headache you feel coming on. You lean against the wall of the station, bending slightly at the waist as you ground the heels of your palm against your temple.

“All good?” You hear his voice some time later, Bakugou’s footsteps heavy as he approaches. “You get hurt?”

“No- ‘m fine.” You chew your cheek, straightening as you look up at him. “I think.”

He studies you for a moment, red eyes flitting across your face. Bakugou grimaces. “You’re shaking.”

“Yeah. Was scared.”

“It’s fine now.” He huffs, frustration lacing his features. Bakugou clenches his hand, releases, and repeats twice over before he speaks again. “Got ‘em already, so you can chill the hell out now. Alright?”

“Yeah- yeah sure.”

You try to agree, but your voice doesn’t sound right when it leaves your throat. It’s a little too hoarse, empty of almost all inflection. You’re not particularly pleased with it and Bakugou is even less so.

“You need a few minutes or something?” He pinches the bridge of his nose, like even asking the question pains him. “Need to call somebody?”

Bakugou looks incredibly uncomfortable- eyes shifting around wildly and refusing to settle. All of his battlefield-confidence, even that self-assured smirk seems to have disappeared entirely. He huffs a pained breath and leans back against the wall next to you. His shoulders are just barely touching yours, voice pinched and tense when he speaks.

“I know it’s loud- but it’s over now. Now you just go home, and you sleep. Nothing is gonna happen to you.” Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Bakugou tilts his head skyward. He grinds his teeth, once, twice, and smooths out his grimace. “And I’ll fuckin’ be there so don’t go spiraling about it, alright? You’re safe now.”

You nod, rolling your lips together for a moment. He’s not meeting your eyes, not even attempting to, but you can’t help but stare. Can’t help but track all the lines of his face; the way his nose slopes, and the set of his eyebrows. He doesn’t look like before. Not crazed, or manic, or brutal. He’s just Bakugou. Maybe a little grumpy, but mostly just uncomfortable- exactly the way you’ve come to know him.

Something in you settles at bit at that.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's go." You kick off the wall, putting one foot in front of the other. "I'm more than ready to be home."

Bakugou just watches you, and you can see him reach a hand out before immediately dropping it. His lip curls up in disgust- and that just confuses you. You wonder where the Bakugou from a few minutes ago went; the one who seemed so entirely sure of himself.

"Faster." He says, overtaking you in one long stride. "Stallin' around at night is never a good idea."

You suppose he's right, but you never would've believed him before.

Prior to tonight, you had never been a part of a villain attack. You hadn't even seen a villain on anything other than TV re-runs. Your neighborhood was quiet, the streets never holding any danger, even at night. Now, though, every shadow seems suspicious, every sound a precursor for something far worse. Your well aware you just got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time that night, but that didn't make the reality any easier to handle. If Bakugou hadn't been there, if he hadn't show up dead on your balcony months ago, then you would've been gravely injured by all that falling debris.

The thought makes you feel weak all over again. Has your fingers curling in your gloves- itchy and uncomfortable and helpless.

You're quiet as you walk, caught up in a million spiraling thoughts. Bakugou doesn't seem keen on conversation either, keeping a few paces ahead and scanning for other danger. Occasionally he'll turn back, check to make sure you're following, and all you can really offer is a nod and a shaky sort of smile. It doesn't satisfy him at all- you can see that every time he sets his jaw.

"Oi- Leech." He snaps in front of your eyes, waving his hand back and forth. "It's- stop lookin' like that already. All freaked the fuck out. You look ridiculous."

His haughty tone as your blood warming, fingers clenching at your sides as you walk. You're not sure what reaction he's after, but all you can really think to do is get angry.

"I am freaked out! You were there! You saw that guy! He was huge!" You snap, squinting your eyes and waving your hands around. "If you weren't- I- what am I supposed to do when that shit happens? Huh? I can't fight, and even if I could I wouldn't, so what am I supposed to-"

"Nothing." He interrupts. "You do nothing, and you hide. Like you did."

"Yes, because you pushed me! If you hadn't I would've been crushed by all that- and how on Earth did you even know he was coming?"

"Vibrations. In the ground." He squints at you, a little confused. "Did you not-"

"No!"

"Damn," He huffs a laugh, shaking his head. "You really couldn't feel that? Jesus, you really are clueless. No wonder you were so freaked out."

In that moment, you're a little sure you could strangle him. All his skill you'd seen earlier suddenly didn't matter at all, and you were sure you could take him down with nothing but rage alone.

He- vibrations? You didn't feel anything! You felt nothing and even if you had, you would've assumed it was an earthquake. No one except for him and his battle-addled brain would've ever assumed it was a villain of all things!

"Calm down," He seems to be fighting a smile, lip twitching up. "You look fuckin' ridiculous right now. 'm not scared of you, leech."

"You should be! I'm about to strangle you right now-"

"For what?"

"For- for- I don't know! You just make me so angry with your 'Oh, you didn't feel that?' bullshit!" You tilt your voice lower, coating it in gravel to mimic him. "Of course I didn't feel anything! I'm not like you- I don't have freaky super-human instincts and explosions and I can't just go fight somebody!"

True to his word, your outburst doesn't seem to scare him. If anything if seems to pull the smile from him more, lips pulling back into a grin even he has no chance of hiding.

"There she is." He stuffs his hands in his pockets, falling back a little to walk right beside you. "Thought you'd gone into shock or somethin'."

"So you- on purpose?"

"Said that shit about vibrations? Yeah." His smile turns wolfish, all sharp canines and pink gums. "There were no fuckin' vibrations, idiot. I heard the plaster cracking."

In that moment you're the surest you've ever been- you were going to murder Bakugou Katsuki.

"You dick!"

Your hands are out before you can stop them, shoving forcefully at his side. He just looks at you, rolling his eyes, and then decides to let you tip him sideways off the curb. It's the worst kind of victory- a pity one that he let you have.

"Chill out, already." He laughs. "Only said shit so you'd stop bein' all miserable. You should be fuckin' thankin' me."

"I'm not thanking you!"

He steps forward, one long stride eclipsing you entirely. Then he spins, facing you with another crooked grin, and you're digging your heels into the cement to avoid crashing directly into his chest.

"I said-" He starts, hands in his pockets and leaning forward until he's practically towering over you. "You should be thanking me."

His voice is low, sly and challenging as he grins. He looks positively predatory- but attractive too. The worst kind that leaves your heart stuttering in your chest for almost no discernable reason.

"G-get away from me." You fluster, taking a step back. "I'm not thanking you."

He shrugs, falling back to a safe distance. You don't miss it though- the way his grin goes just a little wider, entirely satisfied. He won, and he knows it.

"Suit yourself, then leech." He says, voice light. "If ya wanna mouth off so much, then 'm not fuckin' saving you next time."

He says the words, but you're almost entirely sure he doesn't mean them. Not with the way he is now- beaming and pleased under the moonlight. You wonder if he always gets like this; so happy just after a victory. It's the kind of sight that almost makes the entire ordeal worth it. Almost.

You walk through the doors of your apartment, shuddering a long sigh of relief. The walls feel safe, security and peace etched into familiar walls. Even with Bakugou stomping behind you, the serenity isn't disturbed all that much. He's still in his rare good mood apparently, and he doesn't even grumble whatsoever.

Truth be told, you're still a little shaken, but the interior of your apartment puts you at ease. Even if you don't feel nearly as infallible as before, home is a good feeling- it always is.

"You know- you know that you just got unlucky, right?" Bakugou seems to struggle for a moment, kicking the door shut behind him. "It's- that's- shit like that doesn't usually happen here."

You're not sure where his sentiment is headed, and he must see it on your face. He flares his nostrils, sighing something long-suffering and dramatic.

"I'm sayin'- that wasn't part of anything else. It was just the one idiot, so it's not any more dangerous here than it used to be. 'm sayin' don't waste your time worryin' about that shit."

Something in you warms a bit- just a fraction. You're not sure how he knew, how he always seems to know just what you're thinking, but at this moment you don't care to find out. There are some comforts better left experienced instead of studied- and you figure this might be one of them.

You smile, something soft and fond. "I take it back- I will thank you. So thank you. I'm sure I'd be a lot worse off if you weren't around."

You watch him fluster, watch him itch in his skin and shift his weight around. Eventually he settles on turning his back, moving towards your fridge as he speaks.

"Probably. You froze up completely- woulda been piss poor job performance to let you get killed." He's swinging the fridge door open, and the white light just makes it more apparent- his cheeks are pink. "Got ice packs in here somewhere?"

"I-Ice packs?"

"Yeah. Knuckles are gonna bruise up if I don't ice 'em."

You look a little closer then, at his fingers curled around the handle of your fridge. His knuckles are a little swollen, bruised up and red where the skin had split. It doesn't look too bad, much less serious than any other injury he'd come to you with, but that doesn't change the itching in your own fingers. You want to help him- now more than ever it seems.

"Shit- sorry." You breathe out, nearing a little to get a closer look. "I was so freaked I didn't even think about asking- are you okay? You're okay, right? Nothing else, no bones or blood or-"

"Calm down. 'm fine."

You look at him again, squinting for eyes for a moment. He just rolls his own, extending his arms out and flipping them. He was telling the truth- there's only one other scratch on him, and even that was already scabbed over. The only issue were his knuckles- and that sets you at ease.

"You want me to wrap them for you?" You ask, looking up at him. "Oh wait- actually, you'd probably want to do that yourself, huh? Since you're not on the brink of death this time and actual-"

"You do it."

"Huh?"

"I said- you do it." He won't meet your eyes, turning back to your fridge and opening it up once more. He makes himself right at home, grabbing one of the water bottles off the shelf without asking. "Did it all the other times, so you do it. Don't think you're gonna get away with cuttin' corners on me."

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, that I know you find it annoying when I'm all fussy so I just-"

"Shut up already. You continuing to run your mouth is the only thing that's annoying me right now."

You're about to retort, something offended and assuredly juvenile, but you decide against it. That night had been filled with far too much conflict for your liking, and you weren't about to incite more of it. If he wanted you to wrap his knuckles, then you'd wrap his knuckles. You figured it's the least you could do for him.

Turning your back on him, you start for the bathroom, and the first aid kit inside. A part of you considers just permanently moving the kit into the kitchen, but that sort of seems like you're just inviting more misfortune. You keep hoping that one day you'll stop having to patch Bakugou up at all, but from the looks of it, that isn't likely. Not even a little bit considering his obvious bloodlust.

"You wanna-" You start, walking back into the kitchen. You're shocked into stillness by the sight of him searching through your cupboards. "Um, what exactly are you doing?"

"Hungry."

"Okay, caveman, I just- you're not seriously trying to cook right now are you?" You near him, hands hovering in the air. You're sure he wouldn't appreciate it, but a large part of you just wants to grab at his shoulders and shove him away from everything. "Stop that- lemme get you fixed up first. Then I can call for something. I'm not gonna let you exert yourself any more than you already have."

Bakugou seems a little perturbed by that, whipping his head around until you can see wild red eyes. You almost sigh; what you wouldn't give for him to just chill out for once.

"I'm not saying you can't cook. You probably could, I don't know." You near a little more, dropping the first aid kit onto the countertop. "I'm saying, you've already done enough today, and you deserve to take it easy. So let me help you by wrapping your hands up. That's all."

Bakugou's in the midst of another internal struggle, before he visibly forgoes it. His shoulder's drop and the tension leaks until he's settling into one of your dining chairs. He sets his hands out on the table, clearing his throat at you until you kick into motion.

At this point, cleaning up his hands is practically a daily chore. You've gone through the motions more than enough times to be adjusted, but even still, his hands still freak you out a little. You'd never seen anyone who radiated so much heat- even just being next to him was like sitting in front of an open flame.

Your fingers are gentle, skidding over his hands with feather-light touches. He seems to slump in his chair, eventually just laying his head on the outstretched arm you weren't actively working on. He watches you closely the entire time though, red eyes burning holes into the side of your head.

"Do it again." He says. "Too loose. Do it again."

You're half-way through wrapping his right hand, only a small amount of bandage left. Not only would you have to do the bandage over entirely, but you'd have to unwrap it completely first.

"You always say that," You mutter, exasperation coloring your voice. "What makes it so much better the second time around, huh? I do it the exact same."

"It's just better. Takes longer."

You're not really sure what he means by that, and Bakugou doesn't look all that thrilled that he said the words at all. He jumps in his chair, cheeks gone pink as he digs his face into the skin of his arm. He's hiding.

It strikes you as even but odd, but you shrug off the strangeness all the same. You're getting far too used to his particular brand of bizarre.

"All better now?" You goad, patting the bandage after you've finished re-wrapping. "Everything feel nice and perfect for Prince Bakugou?"

He lifts his head. "You're not funny."

"You always say that too. But it's okay, I know one day you'll finally come around and appreciate me."

He just laughs under his breath, but he smiles too. Grins something tiny and small that he hides in his shoulder.

You start finishing up his other hand, and Bakugou doesn't say anything otherwise. He just sits, resting his head on his arm, and watching you intently. He's all calm and even breathing, chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm. You'd thought him adrenaline-crazed earlier, but it seemed he was coming off of that high rapidly. You could feel the exhaustion too- almost lulled by your movements just as much as he was.

You start gathering away all of your materials, and he doesn't even move. Just sits in perfect stillness at your table.

"I- I didn't accidentally touch you right? That's not why you're like that?" You ask, smothering a yawn. "Super exhausted, I mean."

He shakes his head. "Nah. Normal tired. Didn't fuck up this time, leech."

You don't have it in you to respond, hardly even rolling your eyes at his remark. His jabs don't hold much bite anymore- you begin to wonder if he's actually getting nicer or if you're just growing a ridiculous tolerance.

You brush off the thought, pushing away from your table and rising from the chair. "You still hungry?"

"Yeah. Wanna sleep first though so don't worry about it."

"Okay; well, I'm definitely going to so-"

"I said don't." He supplies evenly, finally sitting up in his seat. "It's fine. 'm not fuckin' starvin' or anything."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

His insistence sells you, but you're not sure if it's because you actually believe him or because you just want to. Either way, you figure it doesn't matter much in the end, not to the way your limbs are quickly bowing to exhaustion. You feel the fatigue settling in, and you'd like to blame that for your next actions.

"C'mon then, sleep time, I guess." You say.

Then you cross the kitchen, passing behind him, dropping your hand on his shoulder. You hardly let it sit, just running your thumb over his shirt once, twice, and then continuing on your way.

He takes several seconds to finally follow you into the living room. Enough to have you looking back in confusion, unable to understand why he looked so very stunted where he still sat.

"Jesus, you're annoying." He finally grumbles, rubbing at his eyes.

His steps are loud as he crosses the room, stopping just a few inches in front of you. He grabs at your arm, raising your wrist himself and plucking the glove off in one fluid grab. It if wasn't so sudden an action- so ridiculous and fast and borderline violent, you might have even been flustered.

As it was though, he just grabbed your wrist before you could really register it.

Familiar warmth floods your veins. The same burning, slow heat that makes it;s way through each vein and artery. You think maybe your knuckles ache a little bit too, but it's too hard to tell through your quickly increasing sleep fog.

Bakugou lets you go pretty quick, falling back on your couch in almost the same moment.

"Better?" You ask, mirth warming your words. "Had to do it yourself because I was taking too long?"

"No, 'cause you pissed me off."

"Doing what?"

"You know what you're fuckin' doing."

Then he's grabbing the blanket, settling it over himself gracelessly while he flops over. He's face-first into the cushions now, effectively ending the conversation in much the way he typically does- by refusing to engage entirely.

You just roll your eyes a litItle fondly, still not even beginning to understand.

/-/

ooooo boy i am so sorry y'all for this late uPDATe,,, pls i usually update my fics way faster than this but sometimes life rlly just do be happenin lmaoooooo

n e wayz, ty for reading and supporting my work!! y'all are the absolute best i could ever ask for!!!

[birdylion]

Two of the other people climbing with us were a married couple. Their communication was exhausting for me to watch. Once the woman couldn't get further on the route and wanted to be let down, and the man didn't immediately let her down but startet telling her that she should try again, that she should try to get to the top. Once on the ground, they talked about moves she could have tried instead, and the whole exchange felt like he was telling her what to do. Not 'could you try x', instead it was a 'do x and you'll get up there' - 'But I can't do x!' - 'then do x.b, duh' He apparently didn't like that she had a tendency to not finish the whole 15m climb, but sometimes only did ~10 and then wanted back down again. At the end, it was a similar situation, and when she signalled wanting down, he said an exasperated 'really, again? can't you finish ... oh, nevermind' and only then started letting her down. By that time she had insisted, in a slightly panicked voice, that yes, she really wanted down, would he please let her down. When she was on the ground again, she went away, visibly upset, and he just complained to us how iffy she was. My companion (who knows the guy better than me) told him off for that, but I don't think the guy got why it was not okay.

It seems climbing is a good excercise for respecting your partners wishes even when you don't understand them. The person doing the climbing is wholly dependant on knowing they can trust the belayer. The most important thing is to not let the climber fall, but I feel respecting their wishes about going back down is almost as important. Because as a climber, you know what steps you can safely take. And when either your hands or you head (=problem solving ability) give up, you feel it first. Your climbing partner only feels it when you slip up. Forcing the climb anyway only leads to injury. So 'trusting your partner' is more than just knowing they'll stop your fall.

[confusedlamp]

Mental Health Strategies

I have dealt with various mental health BS (anxiety, depression, ADHD), and while I haven't gotten it all figured out, I have been dealing with it for well over a decade now. I figured I would make a list of coping mechanisms that have helped me and are worth trying out if you haven't already. None of these things are “magic” (just try this and your brain will be all fixed!),  and obviously not applicable in all situations. I mostly learned these via therapy or from other people struggling with mental illness. This also may or may not be to help me have a list of things written down for when I forget. 

Putting this below a keep reading thing because this got long FAST: 

For depression funks:

-Find a small task you can complete. Wash a dish, throw clothes in the hamper, take out the trash, etc. Something small.

-Take a shower. And try changing clothes. Even if it's in to some pajamas. If you aren't up to showering, try washing your face and maybe wiping down with a wipe. But a change of clothes will still feel better.

-Eat something. Doesn't have to be "healthy." Some food, no matter what it is, is better than no food.

-Can you get outside? Doesn't have to be to excercise. Just sitting on the front steps for a few minutes in the sun.

-Doing something to take care of yourself. Can you brush your teeth? Have a glass of water? Brush your hair? Just pick one thing and so it.

-Plan something. See if you can get a friend to meet you to hang out (or zoom) or maybe for dinner. For yourself, maybe find a movie to go see (post pandemic). Preferably find something that has a set time.

For panics:

- Square breathing. Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, breath out for 5, hold for 5. Repeat.

-There are a ton of meditations on youtube. Search "5 minute meditation" and you'll find a ton of videos.

-After the initial panic is over try calling a friend. If you can't for some reason (sometimes it's 3 am or your friend isn't available), try finding some cat videos on youtube. I highly recommend Cole and Marmalade. Something light that will get your brain on something else.

For Executive Dysfunction:

-Remove steps to putting things away. For awhile in school, I would have a mess of papers that weren't organized or put away because I was trying to use a binder. As silly as it sounds, having to neatly align paper holes or got find a place to punch those holes, would prevent me from putting things away. So I switched to folders. Suddenly I stopped losing things and my papers were organized.

-Bullet journaling. Or rather, I just have a little notebook where I put all my to do lists, grocery lists, project planning, brainstorming, etc. I don't properly Bullet Journal (TM) but I keep all my lists in one spot and it helps.

-To do lists in general. Writing out steps to get something done. Cross things out when you finish them. You get a better sense of accomplishment.

-When executive dysfunction is preventing you from getting out of bed, break it down. Step one, sit up. Step 2, swing legs over side. Step 3 stand up.

-Same with any task. If it seems too overwhelming or you just can't bring yourself to do it, it might be because you are looking at all the steps and feeling it's too much. So just think about the first one.

-Alarms and reminders. I put everything on a calendar in my phone. Google Calendar allows you to set a reminder for events days, weeks, hours, and minutes ahead. You can also set alarms for things like "I know I need to leave at 3 for the appointment, so I am going to set an alarm for 2:45 to start getting ready." Do not rely on yourself to look at the clock. YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK IN TIME.

-Set the dang alarm clock across the room. That way, you gotta get out of bed to turn it off. Once out of bed, go take any meds, or if you don’t have meds, go do a small morning task. Usually doing this small task is enough to get me awake enough to not get back into bed. If I do, well, at least I have taken my meds. 

Sensory Issues:

- Fitted sweat pants and hiking pants. I can’t stand tight clothing, but I want to look presentable. Sweatpants that taper can still look decent. Travel pants or hiking pants (you can find these at places like REI), basically look like slacks but are made out of stretchy material. They also usually are made out of quick dry material which is nice. 

-Fidget and sensory toys. I really like hedgehog rings which have these little spikes on them I can run my thumb over. Also the tangle. I have a tangle that has a rubber coating that has little bumps on it. What you end up liking might differ, but those are two of my favorite. Also, if anyone gives you shit about these, you can explain “it’s sorta like a stress ball, but instead you [whatever you do with this fidget toy].” 

-Ear plugs. I wear these a lot because I have particular issues with sounds, especially certain ones. I prefer either silicone gummy ones or I like these that are “slim” because they don’t make my ears hurt. You can also get musician ear plugs that are made for musicians to protect their hearing, but still be able to hear tones and what is going on, for when sound is simply too load (also good for concerts). 

For General ADHD things: 

-Work somewhere different. This is a bit limited due to the pandemic currently, but just working at the kitchen table instead of your bedroom can help. In college, I used to go to the library to work. Just the idea that I was going to someplace specific to do a specific task, helped me actually get started. 

-Promise yourself that you will work for 10 minutes. Set an alarm if needed. Usually just starting will make the task seem less intimidating. If 10 minutes is too much, do 5. 

-Cardio. Get your self moving. This is good for a lot of things, but I highly recommend it for before you have to sit down to work on a task, like school work. I personally run, but if that’s not your thing dance, a class, walking, biking, etc. Just whatever you like. 

-Time dependent things are good to get yourself going. Again, this is limited by the pandemic, but for normal times, can you meet a friend for breakfast? Can you schedule your appointment so you have to get to it before you start work? When I was in college, I used to go to morning gym classes before my first class of the day. This got me up and if I was 5 minutes late, it was better to do that for a gym class than a physics class. Bonus because it was exercise and I could focus better on the class. 

-In classes, try to find a notes buddy or study group. That way, if you zoned out a moment, you can ask them for the notes from that section and vice versa. Also, meeting up with them is a great way to have a set time to study. 

For General Anxiety/ Depression: 

-This is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but: Make a list for what you are good at. Things you like about yourself. Things you have accomplished. They don’t have to be super deep, but can be. Do you like your nose? Can you paint your nails well? Are you good at understanding your cat? Are you good at writing? Drawing? Did you overcome a bad test and still manage to pass a class?  If you have a friend or significant other that you are comfortable with, ask them to help maybe. Keep this list for when you feel like shit. 

-Yoga. I’m sorry to put this on here because it seems like the most neurotypical advice, but. I honestly love this shit. If you haven’t given it a shot, there’s a reason why people like it. You don’t have to belong to a gym to try it. I highly recommend Yoga with Adrienne. She has some great beginner videos. 

-Take breaks from social media and news as needed. Seriously. You are a single person and can’t fix everything. Do what you can (share the information, make a donation, join in mutual aid efforts, etc.) but doom scrolling and obsessing won’t help anyone. If you won’t do it for yourself, consider that burning yourself out will make you unable to help later on. 

-Create things. They don’t have to be amazing. Crocheting, knitting, drawing, writing, etc. Having something that you can look at and be like “I made that” is really satisfying. Youtube has some great tutorials for pretty much anything. For drawing, I really like Proko. He has some great videos on drawing faces. But again: IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE GOOD. 

General Resources/ Advice:

-If you are currently in college, most campuses will have groups for counseling and even limited one on one sessions. Usually, these counseling groups are free and the one on one sessions can help you find a counselor nearby. 

-How to ADHD. Seriously I love this youtube channel. She goes over how ADHD affects the brain and has seriously helped me understand it better. 

-The Trevor Project. For LGBTQ teens and youth. They have a hotline and many other resources.  

-If what is stopping you from getting therapy is the idea that you are being dramatic/ are not that bad/ others have it worse: Go get therapy. What are we going to do, find the one person who has it the worst off than anyone and only they are allowed to feel bad and get help? Screw that. Get some help. 

-Remember that there are good things in your future. Where ever you are in life, you have something positive in your future, even if you don’t know it yet. One day, there will be a moment when you look back on the dark times and be so glad you didn’t give up. 

-Obligatory: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  (1-800-273-8255). This is national suicide prevention lifeline, for the US. They can help. 

-https://www.crisistextline.org/ For when you don’t like phone calls, try texting instead. Has US, Canada, UK, and Ireland numbers. 

[sparklinpixiedust]

Basic Training

This post has been sitting in my drafts for months now, during which I've come up with a few ways I wanted to write this post. This is what I've come up with.

Basic Training is the episode which made me hate Ben the most. The whole episode consisted him of being a stuck up brat only to be rewarded for it in the end.

This episode was the perfect opportunity to have Kevin in the spotlight and show how skilled and smart he is.

Gwen's presence in this episode was actually fine, there's no change needed for that.

Look, I know the shows named Ben 10 but we have seen Ben be the hero tons of times already.

And Ben being egoistic about his heroism is not something new in the franchise.

There have been episodes on the OS where Ben got a big head, yet I dont ever see anyone complaining about that.

Was is it because he was 10 that we excuse this behaviour? Nope.

15 - 16 is still pretty young and his attitude can be excused at this age as well.

My opinion? It was handled better in the OS.

There were times when Ben wasn't always the main focus.

In Lucky Girl, Ben has his ' who's your hero?' Moment.

They showed Gwen feeling jealous and hurt by the fact she wasn't noticed much.

It was realistic.

Then the epsiode proceeded to focus on Gwen , having Ben being kind of like a sub plot to the story.

Towards the end Ben compliments her.

So yeah Ben got big head, but at the same time they shifted focus so that the audience wouldn't find it annoying.

Gwen was in the spotlight for a bit, giving people a break from Ben.

Secondly  , in Be Afraid Of The Dark, Ben again is shown to be slightly stuck up, but towards the end of that episode he learns and acknowledges Gwen and Grandpa for help and understands his crime fighting is more of a team effort.

In Galactic Enforcers, we are shown there are other heros besides Ben as well.

Ben wasn't the sole focus of that episode. Yes it was about him but also about the Galactic Enforcers.

I don't think he was shown to be over confident here , but it was nice to see some other heros in the scene.

The Ben 10,000 episode focuses on how Ben was too focused on his job and the lesson at that was Ben needed to relax and have them Galactic Enforcers take the lead instead.

Again , his attitude towards everything was brought in focus but towards the end he learnt something.

I recently started watching Generator Rex and I can't help but compare Rex's character to Ben's.

Rex is also proud , rushes into things and considers himself to be a hotshot. But they also show him being down ,having trouble with his nanites and actually voice out his insecurities.

He's still the hero, still has things go his way most times but it's not annoying like Ben.

( I've only seen like 7 episodes so far so I don't know if this going to go down hil or not but so far so good)

The issue with the sequels after the OS was that Ben was the focus a bit too much.

We as the audience were rarely ever given a break from him.

Other than a few conversations here and there about his attitude,  nothing really was done about it.

Gwen should've been appreciated more for saving Kevin and Kevin should've been appreciated for stopping Aggregor.

But they weren't.

If it had been Ben , they would've made sure to show him getting some sort of recognition or trophy.

Back to the Basic Training episode.

We know he's the legendary Ben Tennyson, we know he's a hero. We didn't need another episode on it.

Instead the plot should've focused on Kevin. His skills, his abilities.

Ben would act the same but Magsiter Hulka should've put some sort of cover so Ben couldn't use the omnitrix.

Ben goes on breaking rules,  and having a hard time being a hero without the watch.

Towards the end, it should've been Kevin who cracks the case and saves Hulka. Ben is mad he can't use the omnitrix but instead uses the guns and other weapons he's learnt to use at the academy

He's not amazing at them , but it makes him realise that he is hero , watch or not, something that has been emphasised in the show. Its not impossible for him to function without the watch.

Towards the end, Ben getting a 95 was a stretch. I'm sorry , but the guy wasn't great with using weapons and without the watch I dont think he would've been able to complete that hostage excercise.

I'm thinking more like 89%.

Gwen gets 98, that's fine and Kevin gets a 100.

Hulka comes in and awards the medal (?) to Kevin, suggesting he's becoming more like his father.

( im ignoring the ret con, plus the retcon I'm assuming wasnt thought off at this point by the writers)

Ben is shown to take one of the guns back to earth, because he thinks they're cool and he wants to practice and get better at them.

The whole hostage situation makes him want to get better at making strategies.

Yes he's good at improv, but he needs to learn to properly plan as well.

It doesn't matter if he's never shown to use the gun ever again, and he's back to relying on the omnitrix.

Or maybe some time down the line, he could use the weapon, even if it for a second, to show that he is improving and getting better.

Before you say 'he's already a hero, he doesn't need to learn anything ' sorry but no.

He's 16. He may have saved the world but he still has growing up to do. Different battles are going to arise all the time.

Saying he is perfect at 16 is dumb. Saying he's perfect when he's ben 10k , it'll make some sense. He's been around for a while and is pretty experienced.

The watch is a part of him, but seeing him try to explore other options would've been a fresher idea.

Another scene that made me mad was the court (?) scene in Vreedle, Vreedle.

Ben being a hero shouldn't make him above the law.

Domstol ruling in favor of Ben just because he's the legendry Ben Tennyson was stupid.

After Ben's little monologue , and destroying Domstols desk, the judge should've just informed him that being a hero does not excuse him from following the law.

Kevin could've had his little moment doing some negotiation ( would've been nice to see how he works as con artist) and Ben could've jumped in and helped while making some good points for the argument, showing us he's not stupid.

Then having Domstol rule in their favor would've made sense.

On the way back to earth there could've been a joke about how Ben watches Judge Judy too much which is where he learnt about trials and stuff. Or maybe Gwens dad taught him a thing or two at some point.

All this doesn't mess with Ben's character all that much, he's still the hero of the show, he still has his ego but it makes him more likeable, shifts focus from his attitude, and shows us he's pretty smart and is growing into a good hero.

Ben's not a bad guy. I mean he is the hero of the show. There are tons of scenes which show he's good , like the whole sacrificing thing so the ultimates could live and all.

But little scenes here and there tend to be enough for someone , especially for someone who isn't a super hard-core Ben lover to form negative opinions on him.

Although calling him a psychopath / narc is out of line because I don't find him to be like that. His attitude was magnified by him being in the spotlight too much and writers not having a good balance in writing situations.

Ben being the main character of the show is at risk of becoming hated or less appreciated just because he's the font runner of the show.

Admit it, side characters tend to get more love most times than the main agonist of shows.

I've been watching videos on YouTube on this topic as to why this happens , and what I've come up with is that writers of shows tend to focus too much on main character. Things seem to go their way most times and this tends to get on peoples nerves, consciously or subconsciously because it's not exactly realistic.

Having shows where everything focuses on one person most times tend to backfire.

I don't mind Ben having a big head, I dont mind him making jokes and being so casual.

It's his defense mechanism to protect himself from drowning into the struggles and pressures of being a hero. But always having him be that way isn't good.

The writers should've executed it properly.

( okay this post got really long,  more than I thought it would. If you're read the whole things , congratulations on making it here lol.

I'm not going to stop anyone from replying to this because everyone has different opinions and we all have the freedom to express them.

Although I believe I've made my point and I've made sure to keep in mind all the arguments about why bashing Ben is wrong when he's not a bad guy while typing this out.

I don't think I've directed any major hate towards him , its mostly towards the writers for making the situations like that,but if you think I have you can reply to it.

I'm not gonna reply back though , because again I feel I've made my point.

Any agreements / disagreements you have with the post feel free to share because it is your right.

Any disagreements you have with other members,  as long as its related to the post you can share it.

Any issues you have personally with other members,  please keep them to your selves.

I will not tolerate bullying , harassing,  name calling and petty arguments on my post and blog page.

If this happens I will simply delete this post and re-upload it.)

[randomisedmongoose]

Top surgery rant under cut (haha argh)

So goddamn tired right now. Top surgery can go through, but only if I lose at least 10 kgs. Kay. There’s... I dunno. I have lost a lot of weight in the past. It was hard, it was not good for me, and I was on the verge of an ED. The lowest I ever got was still not very good according to BMI. Then I got pregnant, and pregnant again, and then I took antidepressants and gained 15 kg. And now my weight has been laying steady for around three years. I’ve read up on diets, how they so very seldom work long time, I’ve read up on HAES and how there’s so little actual correlation between weight and health despite every doctor being taught that. I know that it would be good for me with more excercise, I don’t doubt that, and I enjoy it when I do it. But I had put weight behind me and made peace with my body at fucking long last. And now this.

I dunno. I may well be able to lose this, and I will have to, because it is the requirement of the only single solitary surgeon in the country who will give me this surgery without a trans diagnosis (which would take me five years or so and give me nothing since nonbinary is not a legal thing in Sweden and I don’t want T, just top surgery). So I’ll have to do it. But I resent it so goddamn hard because it fucks up everything else that was working: my relationship with my body, my schedule, my spoons. Because this shit will take all the spoons, all of them.

What else can I do, though?

[fromthemouthofkings]

This seemed like a good time to post about my favorite self-care checklist again!

https://youfeellikeshit.com

It takes you through a set of simple things you can do to take care of yourself and your environment and then gives you things like grounding excercises and coping strategies for if you're feeling stressed, anxious, depressed, dissociated, etc.

It's very simple and easy to walk through, and each step is small and self-contained so that it's not too overwhelming. It's a good resource for if you're feeling crappy and not sure how to fix it, or if you need someone to tell you what to do so that you can take care of yourself! 10/10 would recommend

[niks-archive]

Somnus for all?

SOMNUS: How do they sleep (how well, how long for, what position, etc.)? 

Bubble: 

Sergey: Sergey sleeps in any place, exhausted enough that any couch or chair will do. He sleeps fitfully, tending to kick or roll, toss and turn, and he wakes often in a panic. His dreams are strange things, and often not natural- he dreams of gods and demons, of sentient nightmares and supernatural troubles. He is well attuned to things he cannot understand. When his sleep is untouched by higher beings, he suffers night terrors, ones he would take the malicious gods over any day. If it were not for Oleg to save him, Sergey would be well and truly insane by now.

Oleg: Oleg, by contrast, sleeps deeply, comfortably- after he makes sure that both he and Sergey are both actually in bed. He has a little trouble settling in when physical pain or turbulent thoughts keep him up, but Sergey helps. He wakes early in the morning, and often wakes Sergey up as well, or carries him to the couch without waking him so he can keep an eye on him while he makes breakfast. Sergey would rather wake up somewhere different than he fell asleep than wake up without Oleg at all.

Balor: One would think that nightmares do not sleep. One would be wrong. Balor dreams of strange things, and his form is nebulous and twisting, moving, endless yet compact, uncontrolled in his sleep. Where normally Balor has the presence of mind to contain himself in an only somewhat inhuman appearance, in his sleep this is not the case. You will see teeth and terror incarnate, and your ears will bleed if you hear the murmurs of forbidden or unknowable things that Balor might call sleep talking. His voice was always hard to control.

Yana: As a being occupied by Balor, it should be noted that her dreams- or shall we say, her nightmare- fully occupy her sleeping time- though with her courier status combined with Balor’s presence, it’s safe to say that Yana is some amount of asleep at all times, and some amount of awake at all times, whether her body is conscious or not. When she is truly, deeply asleep, not touched by Balor at all, she is finally relaxed- she may drool or snore or sprawl her limbs, or cuddle with Balor’s semi-physical form a bit, if he feels like being held (which he usually does even if he won’t admit it). When the nightmare is active in her mindscape, however, she is quiet and still in her sleep.

Arcana:

Lucio: Lucio sleeps sprawled, and dreams of magic and demonic nonsense at times- though usually, his sleeping mind is more occupied with the normal sort of dream nonsense. His bed is comfortable and large- he has lots of room to toss and turn and he makes full use of it. How long he sleeps has a less predictable answer- it changes both arbitrarily and with how his physical and emotional health is that day and how it was the day before. He might get up well before sunrise and he might get up around 2 in the afternoon.

Julian: Julian is octopus. He will wrap his arms and legs around you and squeeze you to death. He dreams odd dreams, and has pretty bad nightmares sometimes. He Might bite you. He’s a heat leech. He kicks off the blankets in his sleep and ends up shivering. He needs a nest. And he needs your snuggles. Not to mention the strong possibility he’ll wake up at 5 or 6 am and need to go on a walk for no reason- he gets the zoomies. But ultimately snuggles are very worth it and he’s probably the only snuggle partner you can stand during summer.

Valerius: He goes to sleep blackout drunk, sleeps so hard he wonders what century it is after, and wakes up hungover and looking messy but ultimately so perfect it’s incredibly unfair. Usually he’s sleeping too hard (not deeply, HARD) for dreams, which is lucky- on nights where he’s less exhausted, he wakes up miserable from nightmares he can’t really recall. Time to get drunk again. When he has no nasty dreams, and is less hungover, he might actually brush his hair, put on a few simple layers, get a very light breakfast, and then change into the right clothing and excercise all morning so that his usual exercise time can be used for reading and relaxing. But usually he goes to sleep again, nurses his hangover, and eventually gets up for work feeling a little venomous.

Muriel: Muriel sleeps deeply, and has vague dreams that don’t make sense and go away quickly upon waking. He doesn’t need a lot of blankets, and neither will you with him around- he’ll just engulf you in snuggles himself. He doesn’t move a lot in his sleep, and usually wakes feeling fairly alright. Overall good sleep 10/10, except when he has nightmares. Those, he wakes trembling, crying silently. He’ll usually excuse himself to be alone in the woods for a while- it’s soothing. Let him. Sometimes he needs a hug but he’ll have to learn to ask for that himself.. and most of the time what he needs is space and to see the beautiful forest morning mist and dew.

Valdemar: Bold of you to assume they’re not awake and staring you down while you sleep.

Other: i’m not doing them hdfhsd aaravos meditates instead of sleeping half the time anyway. i’ll note that aaravos when he does sleep, sleeps very pretty and peacefully most of the time

[bookofjin]

Annals of Taihe 18 (494)

[From WS007. On 18 April the Emperor returns to Pingcheng.

On 5 September he sets out on a northern tour, visiting the imperial tombs at Jinling and four of the northern garrisons, on 14 October he returns to Pingyang.

On 23 November the Emperor leaves for the south again, arriving at Luoyang on 31 December.

Meanwhile in the south, Xiao Luan had first killed his lord Xiao Zhaoye and installed Zhaoye’s brother Zhaowen, and then few months later he killed Zhaowen as well, installing himself.

On 12 January 495 the Emperor orders several of his generals to attack Xiao Luan’s territory, and on 22 January he departs Luoyang to join the campaign himself.]

[Taihe 18, 23 January 494 – 10 February 495]

18th Year, Spring, 1st Month, dingwei, New Moon [23 January], held court with crowd of subjects at the Ye Palace's Chengluan Hall.

On dingsi [2 February], the state of Gaoli dispatched envoys to court to present.

On guihai [8 February], the Chariot Drove on a southern tour.

Decreed for the Xiang, Yan, Yu provinces:

Those hundred years old and above be provisional county Prefects, those ninety and older be bestowed two grades of feudal rank, those seventy and older be bestowed one grade of feudal rank. The orphaned, elderly, widowers and widows who were not able survive by themselves be bestowed five shi of millet, two bolts of silk. The filial and brotherly, the upright and right-principled, and those civil and military officials who had responded to requirements, all their names to be known.

On wuchen [13 February], passed by the tomb of Pigan of Yin, and worshipped with the grand sacrificial animals.

On yihai [20 February], favoured Luoyang's Western Palace.

2nd Month, yichou [error for jichou, 6 March?], travelled to favour Heyin. Personally outlined the place for the Square Meadow.

On bingshen [13 March], the King of Henan, Qian, moved fief to Zhao commandery; the King of Yingchuan, Yong, moved fief to Gaoyang.

On renyin [19 March], the Chariot Drove on a northern tour.

On guimao [20 March], crossed the He.

Xiao Zhaoye dispatched envoys to the court with tribute.

On jiachen [21 March], decreed to Under Heaven, expounding on the thoughts of moving the capital.

Intercalary Month, guihai [9 April], stayed south of Gouzhu Defile. The August Heir-Apparent paid court at Pu Pool.

On renshen [18 April], arrived at Pingcheng Palace.

On guiyou [19 April], presided at the court hall, the sections were allotted to moving or staying.

On jiaxu [20 April], paid respects at Yongguling.

3rd Month, gengchen [26 April], ceased with the western suburban worship to Heaven.

On renchen [8 May], the Emperor presided at the Taiji Hall. Explained to the crowd of subjects in Dai the plans for moving and changing.

Summer, 5th Month, yiyai [20 June], decreed to cease with the banquets of the Fifth Day of the Fifth Month, and the Seventh Day of the Seventh Month.

6th Month, jisi [13 August], decreed the Combined Outer Staff Cavalier in Regular Attendance Lu Chang and the Combined Outer Staff Cavalier Attendant Gentleman Wang Qingshi as envoys to Xiao Zhaoye.

Autumn, 7th Month, yihai [19 August], used the King of Song, Liu Chang, as Great General.

On renwu [26 August], the Palace Attendant and Great Marshal, the King of Anding, Xiu, passed away.

On xinmao [4 September], the state of Gaoli dispatched envoys to court with tribute.

On renchen [5 September], the Chariot Drove on a northern tour.

On wuxu [11 September], paid respects at Jinling.

On xinchou [14 September], favoured Shuo province.

This Month [17 August – 15 September], the island barbarian Xiao Luan killed his lord, Xiao Zhaoye, and installed Zhaoye's younger brother Zhaowen.

8th Month, guimao [16 September], the August Heir-Apparent paid court at the Acting Palace.

On jiachen [17 September], travelled to favour Yin Mountain, and observed the clouds and streams.

On dingwei [20 September], favoured the Military Review Terrace, and presided over and observed military excercises.

On guichou [26 September], favoured Huaishuo Garrison.

On jiwei [2 October], favoured Wuchuan Garrison.

On xinyou [4 October], favoured Fuming Garrison.

On jiazi [7 October], favoured Rouxuan Garrison.

On yichou [8 October], turned back south. Where they had passed through, he always personally saw to the those of exalted years, asked about the people's ills and sufferings, and the impoverished, hard-pressed, orphaned and elderly were bestowed millet and silk.

On bingyin [9 October], decreed that for the people of the Six Garrisons and of Yuyi City, those aged eighty and older, who had no sons, grandsons, or brothers, until the end personally be provided with their millet rations; those seventy and above whose families were impoverished, were each bestowed 10 hu of millet.

Also decreed that for people of the various northern cities, that for convicts who were aged fully seventy and above or disabled by illness, to evaluate their initial transgression, using as guide the new statutes. For those whose affairs had been complicity in wrongdoing, allowed them alone in person to return to the home district, and also to order one son to console and support, until after the end of their fate, when they would be dispatched to return back to the border. For the sentences of the remainder, if their transgressions were like this, those aged eighty and above were all allowed to return back.

On wuchen [11 October], the Chariot Drove to stay at Xuanhong Pool.

On gengwu [13 October], paid respects at Yongguling.

On xinwei [14 October], returned to the Pingcheng Palace.

9th Month, renshen, New Moon [15 October], a decree said:

Every three years an examination of achievements, since ancient times that has been passed through in the classics. Every three examinations, there are demotions and promotions, so as to call attention to who is able or not. Now if [we] wait until after three examinations with demotions and promotions, those who can be demoted will be unsatisfied with being delayed, and those who can be advanced will greatly reconcile to the slow and sluggishness.

Hence with Our every three years an examination, [and after] examination then demotion or promotion, [We] wish to cause the witless and obstinate to be no obstruction to the worthy, and for the talented and able not to be dammed up in the lower ranks. Each time when causing there to be undertaken at the bureaus an examination of their superior and inferior, there will be three levels.

For the Sixth Grade and below, the Master of Writing will do the heavy questioning. For the Fifth Grade and above, We will personally discuss together with the Excellencies and Dignitaries their good and bad. The upper of the upper will be transferred, the lower of the lower will be demoted, the middle of the middle will keep their original duties.

On renwu [25 October], the Emperor presided at the court hall, and personally applied demotions and promotions.

On renchen [4 November], the King of Yinping, Yang Jiong, came to court.

Winter, 10th Month, jiachen [16 November], used the Grand Commandant, the King of Dongyang, Pi, as Grand Tutor.

On wushen [20 November], personally announced at the Grand Temple, attending respectfully to moving the spirit tablets.

On xinhai [23 November], the Chariot Drove to issue out from the Pingcheng Palace.

On renxu [4 December], stayed at Tang Lake in Zhongshan.

On yichou [7 December], allotted and dispatched attendant subjects to tour and ask the people about their ills and sufferings.

On jisi [11 December], attended respectfully at Xindu.

On gengwu [12 December], a decree said:

In the past, when hearing about the Man who hem the border, they often are stealing and plundering, bringing about fathers and sons turning aside and leaving, houses and families being cut apart and broken off, fully diminishing their harmonious vapours, it is wounding benevolence greatly. In the area under the roof of a single tract, a son nurturing ten thousand families, if the circumstances are like this, how will the southern people understand Our court's virtue? Can decree that for Jing, Ying, and Dongjing provinces, to guide and direct the Man people, that they must not be intruding and harassing.

This Month [14 November – 12 December], Xiao Luan deposed and killed his lord Xiao Zhaowen, and was usurpingly installed.

11th Month, xinwei, New Moon [13 December], xinwei, New Moon [13 December], decreed that for the people of Ji and Ding provinces:

Those hundred years old and above be provisionally considered county Prefects, those ninety and older be bestowed three grades of feudal rank, those eighty and older be bestowed two grades of feudal rank, those seventy and older be bestowed one grade of feudal rank. Widowers and widows, the orphaned and solitary, who were not able survive by themselves, be bestowed grain and silk. The filial and right-principled, the upright and steadfast, and those civil and military officials who had responded to requirements be drawn up so their names would be known.

On dingchou [19 December], the Chariot Drove to favour Ye.

On jiashen [26 December],  passed by the tomb of Pigan. Lamented that with his loyalty, he received violence. Personally made commiserating lines, set up a stone tablet, and carved it in.

On jichou [31 December], the Chariot Drove to arrive at Luoyang.

Xiao Luan's Inspector of Yong province, Cao Hu, occupied Xiangyang and requested to surrender.

12th Month, xinchou, New Moon [12 January], dispatched the General who Conquers the South, Xue Zhendu to supervise four generals and set out for Xiangyang; the Great General, Liu Chang, to set out for Yiyang; the Inspector of Xu province, Yuan Yan, to set out for Zhongli; the General who Pacifies the South, Liu Zao, to set out for Nanzheng.

On renyin [13 January], modified the regulations for clothes and dress.

On guimao [14 January], decreed that in the centre and outside there be strict precautions.

On wushen [19 January], copiously remitted for the households who had moved from Dai rents and taxes for three years.

On jiyou [20 January], decreed that for those Kings, Dukes, Marquises, Earls, Counts, and Barons who had founded states with revenue estates: a King's revenue be half, a Duke's revenue be one part of three, a Marquis or Earl's revenue be one part of four, a Count or Baron's revenue be one part of five.

On xinhai [22 January] the Chariot Drove on a southern offensive.

On dingmao [7 February], decreed for the people of Ying and Yu provinces:

Those aged a hundred and above be provisional county Prefects, those ninety and older be bestowed three grades of feudal rank, those eighty and older be bestowed two grades of feudal rank, those seventy and older be bestowed one grade of feudal rank. To the orphaned and solitary, the widowed and elderly, who were not able survive by themselves, be bestow grain and silk. For the people who hem to the road, remit one year of land taxes.  The filial and brotherly, the upright and right-principled, and those civil and military officials who had responded to requirements to be drawn so their names would be known.

On wuchen [8 February], the Chariot Drove to arrive at Xuanhu.

On jisi [9 February], decreed that the men and women who had been captured by the hosts of Shouyang, Zhongli, and Matou all were all to be released and returned south.

[simonffpd912]

A Look Into The Future: What Will The Penetration Testing Industry Look Like In 10 Years?

Precisely What Is Transmission Assessment And Exactly How Does It Really Work??

Additionally , this procedure involving diagnostic tests usually demands classy plus costly equipment for instance codes analyzers together with debuggers. The purpose of the whitened pack transmission check will be to perform a specific security and safety review of an business’s techniques and also to supply dog pen specialist together with all the feature as is possible. Bright package transmission diagnostic tests is normally once the coop specialist provides complete know-how and even usage of the foundation computer plus surroundings.

Safety is not really a good obtainable stationary status, although a consistent exercise necessitating continuous attempt in addition to watchful. The transmission evaluating was created to recognize plus emphasis a company about tips involving control to set-up the biggest effect on basic safety with all the the very least expense and energy.

Core Your Current Rise For The Add Transmission Tests

Like a lab-created cyberattack, moral cracking approaches support stability pros assess the performance details protection methods into their companies. The digital voice recorden evaluation endeavors to be able to touch typically the battle suits of your organization’s web defense, verifying regarding exploitable weaknesses throughout systems, online software, and even consumer stability. Quite a few organizations that will claims to provide coop assessment depend on an individual computerized software by using tiny transmission tests encounter or perhaps expertise past the particular software is able to do for the coffee lover. Delta Threat utilizes some sort of complex approach—one of which combines exploration in addition to complex complex technical analysis and even “manual” diagnostic tests.

In this instance, it could be vital that you advise the particular purple crew direct, CISO, or perhaps upper-level operations from the training. This kind of assures typically the reply circumstance remains examined, good results . firmer manage when/if the problem is certainly increased. For instance , reddish crew physical exercises in many cases are carried out with out updating workers to evaluate real-life hazard situations. Individuals with no funds to buy a duplicate associated with Burp Collection will discover OWASP's Zed Infiltration Serwery proxy to become practically because helpful, in fact it is each free of charge plus transitable software program. Such as the identity recommends, MOVE is placed involving the web browser as well as the internet site most likely diagnostic tests in addition to enables you to intercept the particular visitors check in addition to enhance. That does not have a lot of Burp's special features, nevertheless open-source certificate helps to ensure profound results together with less expensive to be able to set up on degree, also it would make an excellent first timers instrument to master precisely how vulnerable and open website traffic in fact is.

Lawful surgical procedures that will allow specialist accomplish a great against the law procedure include things like unescaped SQL directions, the same hashed accounts inside source-visible tasks, relationships, plus outdated hashing or even cryptographic capabilities. Using several recognized defects together with surrounding the particular payload in a manner that shows up for a logical procedure is practically usually needed. Metasploit offers a dark red selection regarding frequent responsibilities, and even keeps a databases involving identified intrusions. Transmission diagnostic tests together with WAFs are usually outstanding, however mutually advantageous basic safety procedures. In such a circumstance, the specialist together with people who are employed in the security sector come together and maintain the other evaluated of these activities. That is the invaluable exercising training providing you with securities staff using current comments coming from a hacker’s standpoint. Within a twice sightless analyze, people who are employed in the security sector don't have any preceding understanding of the particular controlled episode.

As Soon As Very Good Folks Go South: Increasing Popular Community Easy Access By Simply Incredible

Cybersecurity has entered the set of the most effective five concerns for U. S. electric utilities, sufficient reason for valid reason. In line with the Department of Homeland Security, attacks on the utilities industry are rising "at an alarming rate". We ensure assessments are effortlessly executed within limited involvement glass windows from putting first assessment about fundamental equipment and also equipment. All of our solution includes more than electronic gear and also operations in order to incorporate serious comprehension of the way in which https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/?search=Penetration Testing accommodement may appear. The manufacturer looking to feature, avoid, in addition to check out https://en.search.wordpress.com/?src=organic&q=Penetration Testing the exact infiltration just as if it again have been a huge a single.

By way of pondering these types of weak points correct mitigations may be put in position to excercise the particular real security and safety good posture. In accordance with latest studies, 98% coming from all internet moves depend on public technological innovation. The reason is , inner customers are among the greatest hazards into a sites stability together with because of precisely how rewarding the particular frauds are usually.

Safety Measures Spots Happen To Be Used

System transmission screening should avoid vicious works simply by searching for weak points prior to assailants carry out. Coop testers give attention to system secureness evaluating simply by taking advantage of and even unveiling weaknesses in various kinds of systems, linked gadgets just like routers plus changes, plus system offers. That they seek to take advantage of defects during these regions, such as fragile accounts or even misconfigured properties and assets, to acquire entry to significant techniques or perhaps information. It may be useful to think about transmission examining when aiming to find out if somebody can easily enter your property getting into that on your own. Transmission testers, often known as honest online hackers, assess the secureness of computer infrastructures by using a managed atmosphere to soundly harm, distinguish, and even make use of weaknesses. As opposed to exploring the doors and windows, they will analyze computers, systems, online apps, mobile phones, as well as other prospective places to uncover weak points.

Veracode offers the particular AppSec remedies plus companies modern-day software-driven society needs. Focus on designers, fulfill credit reporting and even confidence needs for your organization, that protected program.

The primary objective is usually to recognize one of the most revealed weaknesses and even secureness weak points within the system system of your corporation just before they might be used. In some instances, you could timetable transmission medical tests together with notify team prior to the particular training. Nevertheless , this particular will not become appropriate in order to analyze precisely how your own inner protection crew does respond to some “live” hazard.

[thintiny]

I started struggling with my weight when I was born, I weighed 7.8 pounds and my ped told my mother that I should only drink "low fat milk". The rest is just an endless cycle of me being fat shamed constantly, I have heard almost anything.

There was this time, when I was around 4 or 5 when kids didn't want to be friends with me because I was the fat kid.

Or when my aunt bought for me a twix bar and told me to 'eat tiny pieces' so that I would not get fatter.

Also that time when my other aunt took me on a walk and told me that I needed to exercise because I was simply a 'fat fuck'.

When I was on second grade and girls started asking me how much I weighted, and for the first time I compared my, much higher, weight to the weight of my classmates.

Or that time I went to the doctor when I was 8 to get a flu shot or something, and she refused to give me a lolly because I was 'too fat'.

The time I was 9 and I got sick, they took me to the doctor and he told me that if I was that fat nobody would ever love me.

Or that time when another doctor told me that if I didn't lose weight they would have to feed me with a tube.

Mind you through all this episodes I was just about 15 or 16 pounds above the ideal weight for my age.

Also there was that time when I was about 10 that two girls from my class asked me how much I weighted and before I had the chance to answer they said "500 tons".

Anyway, when I was 12 I began my first official diet. And thankfully I lost the extra weight but then I gained it all back and with a little extra.

There was one day when I was in middle school that I needed to stand in front of the class and I couldn't fit through the space to get to the front because a couple of my classmates had moved their chairs so they could chat, and everyone laughed at me.

Or when I started a new diet and my aunt told me that I needed to lose weight because I wasn't pretty enough.

I began purging and restricting my meals but that didn't last long, and I thought I was a complete failure because I couldn't have a proper E.D.

By the time I was 15 I had been in more diets than I can count, and I ended up with a new doctor who ran all the necessary tests and told me that my thyroid was not normal but not necessarily 'functiong'.

I started taking amphetamines, with a prescription, and I started losing weight again. Before going with this doctor I weighted 175 pounds and I managed to get to 142 pounds and I was elated.

Then due to some financial issues I had to cut off the meds, stopped visiting the doctor and even though I tried to continue the diet it was kind of expensive so...

But then I got it all back, and then my parents started restricting the food I was allowed to eat and then I would sneak food into my room and binged.

I finished high school weighting about 170 pounds.

I started college and in my first semester I gained about 10 pounds.

Before my second semester started my grandma gave me laxatives and she told me that that would make me pretty.

I decided not to take them, I was starting a somewhat strict exercise regime and I was faithful that I would lose weight with that.

I lost almost nothing and then one day I was fighting with my mother and she told me that I was a cow, and so I decided to start taking them, honestly how could they hurt me?

I lost a ton of weight in a really short amount of time, seriously in one month I went from 180 pounds to almost 165 and it was showing.

I spent that summer far away from home and I stopped taking laxatives but I managed to get to 150 pounds.

When I went back home I got it all back, I had been struggling with depression during my teenage years and just before my second year of college I had a terrible episode and yeah, that happened.

During those months I also changed my hair and became much more quiet. It was a really bad time but I managed to get through it.

Then before the second half of my second year I was Christmas shopping with my family and my mom was discussing something with one of my aunts and the conversation was something like this.

'Well if x (my cousin) is so stressed, why doesn't she stop doing gymnastics?' asked my mother and then my aunt said something like 'She needs to excercise I don't want her to look like her (me).'

Also fun fact this conversation happened right in front of me, and yeah I almost started crying.

The second half was pretty good I started with amphetamines again and I lost some weight but I couldn't keep it off, I lost one pound and the next week o had two more.

By that time I just simply gave up, everyone around me was talking about my weight, making it obvious that I was not normal so I just stopped trying.

Of course I would get episodes where I would be extremely healthy and eat what I had to ear excercise and all that but they wouldn't last long.

I tried fasting, detox, juices, even laxatives once again, and nothing happened and I just hated myself more and more everyday.

And then I got an internship in audit (pretty weird for a person who is fat) but I managed and then when I was in a course the lady said something that lightly resembles 'fat people will never be as formal looking or as trustworthy as skinny people' and I've tried to forget that.

I really did, but well she said that looking straight at me so, that kinda sucked.

Anyway I am now 23 years old, I have never dated anyone because as soon as I start liking someone I remember how I was constantly reminded that no one would ever love a fat person.

I ruined my teeth in hopes that my awful smile would distract people from my disgusting body, but now I just have another thing to hate myself for.

I have an Instagram with zero pictures because I can't bear to post anything and get absolutely zero likes.

I have an enormous fear of eating in front of people, because I know that if I eat too much they will judge me, if I eat too little they will judge me and if I eat something 'unhealthy' they will too.

I'm terrified of wearing tight clothes because everyone will be able to see the things I hate the most about myself.

I can't stand in front of a mirror because I never like what I see, the crooked smile and the fat belly, the ugly legs and the ugly arms, and all in all it just disgusts me.

I keep living and hoping that one day, I will be skinny and that I'll manage to look good but I feel as if that won't ever happen.

And I'm just tired of living like this, of feeling worthless and sad and ugly and disgusting because my whole life has been a constant cycle of me being called fat and going on diets and being fat and I'm just done.

[notarealgirlboss]

cw: ed

i wanna start exercising but I'm so unhealthy. i tried to push the dishwasher drawer yesterday andi had to sit down. I'm sleeping like 10 to 16 hours and i haven't gone on a run in awhile. i eat just whatever is around and whenever people are like don't restrict just eat healthy bruh there's nothing healthy at my house. unless i begin to live off one banana a day, all the food in my house is like leftover thai food, and mac and cheese. i actually would go back to it if i had my retainers but fucking up my teeth isn't worth it man oh man. i feel like so weak which proves weight is like really just a number i currently weigh the most I've ever weighed and I'm definitely weaker than i was last year it's so frustrating.if i want to lose weight i need to eat and excercise gelathy amount but I can't execercise because i don't eat and I'm always busy with school and my room makes a ton of noise plus it's super cold outside. i can't eat well because my dad doesn't buy good fooda, and cooking stresses me out since my kitchen is always so dirty. if i were to cook there's like 2 things i could make. getting back to where i was is like impossible and it's making me so upset, i might just sleep all day again because dealing with being hungry and looking in the mirror will make me upset. oh i can't do that because i have plans. damn i guess I'll just feel like shit all day. i can't even get up once i lay down because everything spins and i start ti feel nauseated.

[uncloseted]

Hello, I'm currently very lost and in need of an advice. I had the longest episode of depression in my life (have been struggling with it since my teenage years) from November until now and at the moment I really don't know how to get up and start living again. I feel completely out of myself, literally, and everyday is a struggle even tho I no longer have suicide thoughts. What should I do to start reconstructing myself? Keeping in mind that I started meditation, excercise and that in my country lockdown is still up so basically I spend all my days in a small apartment with my family and I'm currently unemployed. Thank you. 💛

I’m glad to hear that you’re pulling out of your depressive episode, and I’m sorry that’s something you’ve been going through.  I think the past year has been really hard for a lot of people, so you’re absolutely not alone in this experience.  The fact that you’ve started exercising and meditating is likely to help a lot- one study found that 90% of people with depression who exercised for 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week had recovered from their depression at 10 weeks.  If you can, I would also suggest trying therapy and meeting with a doctor or psychiatrist.  Other things you can try include journaling about your feelings, trying to list a few things you’re grateful for each day, making sure you get exposure to sunlight, and interacting with people outside of your house (whether that’s socially distanced in person, through video chat, or online).  You might also look into volunteering- in psychological studies, one of the things that makes people the happiest is doing things for other people.  Volunteering can also get you out of the house and help you meet some new people.  I would also try to find a hobby, whether it’s reading, playing video games, knitting, baking, making art, doing makeup, taking online classes, playing music...anything that you can focus on is good.  Try setting little goals for yourself when it comes to your hobbies- it will help you to feel like you’re making progress.

Finally, try to be kind to yourself.  Get dressed in the morning even if you’re not going anywhere.  Make sure to regularly shower, eat, and sleep.  Make your favorite foods, do a face mask, pamper yourself a little bit.  It’s okay to be struggling and to not be productive.  Try to treat to yourself like you would a friend who’s struggling.

[cranberrysaft]

23, 26, and 30 for lilja! -nataliehsewell! <3

I am so excited for an ask, thank you!

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

I think it really depends on the situation. Lilja focuses much much more on what is relevant for her in the moment. So, I wouldn’t necessarily say she then has a bad memory rather she is just not good at paying attention when she feels something important is going on. She pepper sprayed A in bookn1 and if it was never brought up again she would literally never thought about it again. Since she is like this though, she goes out of her way to make sure she remembers important dates. Someone’s birthday is coming up? You know she has 10 reminders on her phone and has made sure it is written down, in highlighter, in *every* calendar she might look at.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

In general, Lilja is the type to want to stay as composed as possible, especially when she is on the job. But 😬😬😬 She wears her heart on her sleeve, so you know when she is happy, or sad, or angry, or any other feelings. With that though, Lilja really feeds off of others. If she’s around F and together they’re just super happy, she’s about as jumpy as they are. If she is around like A, she would just be embracing the happy silence.

30. Do they excercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-workout and post-workout?

OkaySO, Lilja did figure skating for the majority of her life. In my head she’s fairly young still, like 26, and she stopped in her 3rd-4th year at Uni. Then that. Ones to around 15 years of her life she trained. So, she not against exercise and she definitely would have pent up energy if she didn’t. But, it also depends on what type of excercise. She is much more here for things like barre work/ aerobics than something like weights. Also she’s not a huge fan of running, but does go out of her way to do it. So, if it is something that she likes she’s going to be hyped, if you’re going to force her to do something she won’t like then you’re going to need a bribe read.

That was so fun thank you!!

[intuitiveeater618]

Two weeks ago I decided to try intuitive eating. This is the best decision I’ve ever made.

Here is a little bit of a backstory: At 28, after spending over half my life yo yo dieting, I was finally in the “healthy weight” bracket. I felt slim and was able to get into clothing sizes I had not worn since middle school. I was getting lots of attention and people constantly asked how much I’d lost and how I did it. But behind closed doors, I was having to eat less and less food to keep losing weight. I was enforcing strict food rules to try and avoid inflammation and bloating to keep my stomach looking slim. I was excercising constantly and often secretively. And because this was so hard on my body, I would often have episodes of extreme binging that I would dub my “cheat days”. The only thing that made me feel good was the number on the scale and the comments of others. If the number was up, I felt horrible and I punished myself for it. If I posted a picture and didn’t get many likes, I took it as a sign that I was not slim or sexy enough. Food was a chore and even when I allowed myself to enjoy food it was only followed by an unbearably heavy layer of guilt. I was fed up. I needed a change. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I had heard of intuitive eating but never gave it much thought because I thought it would just make me fat. I have to credit two youtubers for helping me realize there is more to life than being skinny, and making me want to give this thing a shot (videos linked below).

A simple definition of intutive eating (IE): IE is an eating style that promotes a healthy attitude toward food and body image. The idea is that you should eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full.

But it is much more than this. I can give a more detailed blog on this if you’d like, but for now, there is a 10 step approach that I will list below.

For a summary of each, you can visit https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/

1. Reject the Diet Mentality.

2. Honor Your Hunger.

3. Make Peace with Food.

4. Challenge the Food Police.

5. Discover the Satisfaction Factor.

6. Feel Your Fullness.

7. Cope with Your Emotions with Kindness.

8. Respect Your Body.

9. Movement—Feel the Difference.

10. Honor Your Health—Gentle Nutrition.

I would also highly reccomend reading the book “Intuitive Eating” by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole.

Now to the good part! In these past two weeks, I have honestly been THE HAPPIEST I can remember being in my whole life. Giving myself permission to eat what I want is absolutely freeing. I have been eating foods I’ve denied myself for years and unlike every time before, it’s guilt free. I have been so much more productive and way less anxious. I am still new to this process. I am still learning my hunger and fullness cues and also finding balance in movement and nutrition. But I’m loving every second of it!

The biggest change is how I seek my validation. I have noticed a huge switch in that department. I find myself looking inward for validation. Instead of being filled with hatred and disappointment, I am filled with excitement and hope. I’m starting to realize that looking to the outside world for validation is exhausting and it has gotten me nowhere. I’m ready to find peace within myself.

*I would like to note that this IS NOT a weight loss diet. IE can cause you to gain, maintain, or lose weight depending on where your body naturally wants to be. Again, I can go into this further in the future. But I just want to clarify that this is not a diet, it is a way to free yourself from diet culture!!!