#gonna be so fun when all the girls get together and we all destroy Clay~ 😈

[toadallytickles]

I love when a friend comes to visit, and we gang up on Clay, which is his dream~. He’s so ticklish and so fun to bully~.

[daemonwritesstuff]

Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binary Pals we interrupt your time on here with a special matchup trade with @erismor-iok

A/N: Hello! Thank you so much for waiting! I’m getting to each of everyone’s matchups and requests one by one, anyways, i hope the patience was worth this wait! Anyways, 이것을 시작하자!

Songs I was listening to: Nimbasa CORE - plasterbrain, Please, Fuck Off - The Garden, Harness Your Hopes - B-Side - Pavement, Natalie Wood - TV Girl, You Mean A Lot - Enjoy, Modify - Lemon Demon, Little Girls - Oingo Bingo, Hokus Pokus- Insane Clown Posse, Body - Megan Thee Stallion and BUG - Kairikibear

Your Oshi No Ko Partner is…

Akane Kurokawa!

Now your wondering, “Why did you chose her Joey?” Well, you are friends with a lot of introverts from your description and while her true self is quiet and shy it seems like you guys were the best match for each other.

I feel like she needed you after what she’s been through with all the death threats and criticism from the internet, it really destroyed her and you are there to save her, she was very mesmerized with the way you put your personality out, I think she would enjoy you cuddling her or anything having to do with any psychical affection.

You guys would definitely go do karaoke and sing your hearts out! She also enjoys having simple conversations with you, i feel like she’ll need you to protect her from any backlash and if she ever sees you crying she’ll be asking what’s wrong and she’ll possibly stand up for you, though it barely happens since she’s probably scared to receive anything she’d been through, but she’ll comfort you!

Your Jujustu Kaisen partner is…

Geto Suguru

Well, again your dating another introvert lol, he likes how your cold at first even when your polite, he’ll definitely see you as a strong person instead of calling you a… uh “monkey” 💀, anyways dating him is super fun anyways!

He likes hearing you talk about anything, he’ll usually just sit where he is and just here you talk about anything, he’ll probably let out a “hmm” or “oh” here and there but that’s really it but he’s listening to you! I know that he would also enjoy playing board games with you here and there, he’s trying to get you to ragequit LMAO. But it’s not gonna work.

He also likes giving any gifts to you, usually small gifts that you’ll hopefully appreciate, he would also watch you make clay sculptures and ask to join and teach him how to do some.

Out of all, I think he’ll be alright with you, you did make him fall for you after all, after everything he feels a lot of strange feelings for you (romantic feelings), he will always make sure that you’ll stay with him no matter what.

Your Hazbin Hotel Partner is…

Alastor!

While your cold he’ll enjoy your playful and loud side of your personality, he would join you in any of your conversations as well! He also enjoys your creative side as well to add, he also likes to secretly watch you do any artistic activities.

He doesn’t really like any psychical affection but wouldn’t mind holding your hand! Though it’ll rarely happen but that’s okay! He’ll be complimenting you a whole lot!

Since you enjoy singing and if he ever hears you sing he’ll also be joining in with you and also dancing, he would definitely ask you to dance with him to his favorite songs, he would also love to read what you write too! If that’s alright with you of course. :)

Your Honkai Star Rail partner is…

Gepard!

At first, he may have been a little intimidated by you since your usually cold at first, but he was brave enough to say hi and you were very polite to him! Which was pretty surprising for him since he thought you’d hate him but not all all ofc!

He also enjoys taking naps after a long day of missions so you two napping together would be super cute and sweet! He would also love to see what you were drawing, and if you ever drew something for him it would go on the refrigerator in his house / or your shared apartment possibly.

He loves when your playful and chatty, even though he’s not that playful he’ll join you here and there and just attack you with hugs and kisses :)

Now lastly, your Genshin partner is no other then…

Raiden Shogun

You guys just mix so well together, she’s “emotionless” and while your cold, you can be playful and polite and it’ll make her show some emotions of comfort and happiness whenever she’s with you.

She enjoys your creative side, she would also love whenever you let her join in on your artistic activities if it’s drawing, making cray sculptures or whatever the fuck it is she’ll enjoy and rewind while doing so.

I dont see her has a person, like Alastor, who would show a lot of psychical affection but wouldn’t be bothered to hold your hand either, she loves spending a lot of quality time with you like maybe taking you to go on a picnic with her under a tree from the sun while you guys soak in each others love.

Round-Ups: Aqua Hoshino (Oshi No Ko), Kana Arima (Oshi No Ko), Yuji Itadori (Jujustu Kaisen), Yuta Okkotsu (Jujustu Kaisen), Kento Nanami (Jujustu Kaisen), Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Ganyu (Genshin Impact), Beidou (Genshin Impact).

[teecupangel]

So, concerning the origin of Lucy’s betrayal, she talks about it in AC1 and, considering Project Siren may or may not have already started during this point, this could all be a lie she told Desmond so he’d sympathize with her (although AC wiki does consider this to be canon based on her wiki page):

Lucy: Warren saved my life. So, if he wants to yell a little, let him.

………

Lucy: Sometimes I wonder if they weren't behind it all. If they manipulated events so I'd get desperate. They can do that. They can do anything. I didn't think when I agreed to come here... they even told me I'd be trapped. For 6 months, a year max. Once the product launched, there'd be no need for secrecy anymore. But, until then, I'd be a "guest of the company". At least... that's what they said.

Desmond: And when the Animus was ready?

Lucy: They came in while I was sleeping. Three guys... guns...

Lucy: They dragged me out of bed... God... the worst part is, I knew them. One guy, Richard, we ate lunch together sometimes. And now he was gonna... They were cracking jokes... I tried to pull away... he hit me... and that's when he told me I was going to die.

Desmond: Christ! What did you do?

Lucy: Nothing. I kept telling myself it wasn't real. And then Warren was there, shouting at them to get away from me. And they listened.

Depending on how much you believe her lines (if she was telling the truth, the semi-truth, or just flat-out lying to gain Desmond’s sympathy), these lines could add a different spin to her character and to her relationship with Vidic, especially if you include this line:

Lucy: When they first approached me, I was finishing up my Ph.D. The university made it clear I had no future there. They didn't like the subject of my doctorate... called it pseudo-science. Said keeping me on would discredit and embarrass them. It was the same everywhere. Other universities... companies I interviewed with... pretty soon I was out of money and out of time.

First of all, it’s canon that she was cut off from any communications from the Assassins once she received her orders to infiltrate Abstergo according to the Lost Archive DLC of Revelations:

William: Italy, to Abstergo's new research facility. I want to know what they're after with the Animus device. Your third teammate has been kept outside the Assassin Order, waiting to be called upon.

Clay: Lucy Stillman.

William: She's been trained to infiltrate Abstergo. Since the age of 17, the girl has lived outside our ranks. All her ties to the Assassins have been erased.

And, if it’s true that she had problems getting a job and being validated by her work (which could have been perhaps intentional to catch Abstergo’s attention but highly unlikely?), this meant that Abstergo came to her when she was at her lowest, alone and far away from the people she had known and trusted all her life.

She was vulnerable and Abstergo gave her a new life, made her feel wanted and liked.

Gave her relationships.

Then took it all away from her.

They didn’t have to do it but they deliberately chose Richard to be one of her executioners, someone that Lucy knew by name and they even made fun of her fate, acted like her death meant nothing to them.

Like she meant nothing to them.

That’s when Vidic swooped in.

Saved her.

Protected her.

Gave a new life once more.

Lucy owed Vidic her life, she said so herself.

And that…

That is how many cult leaders get the loyalty of their followers.

First, they take a vulnerable person (Lucy who was isolated from everything she knows). Give them a place to feel loved and seen (Abstergo and Richard and her other friends). Then take it all away and drag them back to the loneliness and isolation they were in (the ‘failed execution’) - this is normally done by bringing them to the forefront and making them remember all their (perceived) failings but, in Lucy’s case, by destroying any relationship she had fostered in Abstergo, including what might have been her social safety net then the cult leader would make them feel loved and wanted, maybe go “I believe in you” or “I forgive you” depending on the context (Vidic saving Lucy).

So yeah… if we truly do believe all the lines Lucy told Desmond in AC1, then the line “If they manipulated events so I'd get desperate…” becomes different. The whole “I’m a prisoner” was a lie to make Desmond sympathize with her but it’s also the truth, whether she knows it or not. She is a prisoner and her Templar allegiance had been tainted from the get-go, by both the Assassins (Bill) and the Templars (Vidic).

The idea that she believes the Templars would ‘take care’ of humanity is tainted by the fact that her idea of ‘care’ is what she experienced from Vidic.

Indoctrination.

… which is what the Templars want to do to the world but Lucy only sees the good thing about that indoctrination. After all, that’s how she was ‘saved’.

And I like the headcanon that she didn’t know Clay would die because of her actions (or her inaction) because she trusted Vidic too much. She believes he’s a ‘good’ man.

But also, Vidic is her cult leader. His words are law. She cannot go against him because she believes she is nothing without his approval. So even if she knew it was dangerous, she would believe Vidic if Vidic tells her that Clay would be fine. Even if she didn’t believe it, she’d still go along with it because Vidic’s words are law.

This line from Vidic:

We're counting on you, Lucy. You have served the Templar Order well, and we never forget loyalty. Oh, yes. Once inside their hideout, perhaps you might ask the Assassins why they left you alone for so many years.

The first two lines are Vidic reminding Lucy who was there for her when she had nothing. Who had seen her loyalty. Her ‘worth’.

But the third line?

That was said to remind Lucy that the Assassins abandoned her. It’s not him suggesting that she asks them. No. That’s Vidic reminding her that the reason why she had been so alone for so many years was deliberate on the Assassins’ part.

Also, the only times we see Lucy actually going against Vidic is when she’s playing the part of the good cop to Vidic’s bad cop so even that is tainted with Project Siren already working in the background. We can’t be sure how much her actions in AC1 are acting and how much is true concern for Desmond brought by her guilt over what happened with Clay. Even when they left, all of her emails to Vidic talked about concerns for Desmond’s health but she never does anything about them. She always listens to Vidic.

Because, in the end, Vidic brainwashed her and indoctrinated her to believe that his way is the right path.

All lines from the game came from 21st Century Conversations and Memories of Clay

Feeling a little bit under the weather, so I'm gonna cheer myself up by trying to write a lil character analysis for Lucy.

(Warning: I am writing this mostly off the top of my head, not to mention while sick so my brain isn't exactly working as it should, so if you find anything you would like to correct/expand on feel free to comment/reblog)

Out of the modern day gang, Lucy seems, at least initially, like the least interesting: Rebecca is a bit of an adrenaline junkie who discovered her aptitude for technology while bedridden after sustaining an injury caused by her passion for extreme sports, Shaun is a conspiracy theorist who was forced to join the assassins after his snooping got him into trouble, Desmond is a man who ran away from a cult and had to build a new life for himself, only to then find himself dragged back into it once again.

Each of them has an interesting and unique reason for being where they are when we first meet them, and each is the result of an active choice that lines up with their equally unique personality.

And Lucy? Lucy is a spy. She became one because that's what the assassins needed at the time, and then she became Vidic's assistant because he manipulated her into it.

And how did she become an assassin? She didn't, she was born into it.

Out of all the "origin stories" for the modern day gang, Lucy's stands out as it has the least amount of active choices on her part.

The most active we see her as is in AC1, where she regularly fights with Vidic over a variety of matters, but mostly Desmond.

By the time of AC2 Lucy's role as animus expert has been taken over by Rebecca, who also acts as the nice, friendly presence in the group, pushing Lucy into the role of leader instead, and now that she is no longer playing good cop to Vidic's bad cop we start seeing that she can be quite bossy at times, but also that she's under enormous amounts of stress, as we can infer from multiple occasions.

As Brotherhood comes out we learn even more information, most importantly a)that she feels guilty for Clay's death, as well as her current treatment of Desmond and b)that the years spent as a captive at Abstergo have led her to feel disconnected from the rest of the world.

And then she dies, and it is revealed that she'd been a traitor all along.

So far I have been ignoring this piece of information as it was clearly a last-minute decision to justify Kristen Bell's departure, and I think that, for the purpose of this analysis, it would be interesting to take a minute to compare pre-reveal Lucy to post-reveal Lucy.

Pre-reveal Lucy is a likable character, but not a particularly deep one. She mostly functions as a love interest for Desmond and a straight man for the rest of the gang, by which she's largely overshadowed.

Post-reveal Lucy, on the other hand? She's a much grayer character. While I would still describe her as a largely reactive character, the choices she does make tell us much more than just "she's a good person" and "she's loyal to the assassins". 

First of all, her betrayal: while we are not given any real explanation as to how it happened (was she found out? Had the templars always known? Or was she the one who willingly revealed herself to be an assassin?) we do know from an interview with the lead writer of Revelations and Lost Archive (source: "The Assassin's Den - The Lost Archive ft. Jeffrey Yohalem", on youtube) that the main drive behind her loyalty is the conviction that the templars will "take care" of humanity, herself included. Paired with her previously mentioned feelings of disconnection from the world, that would lead me to speculate that while she does take on the role of caretaker more often than not she herself desires to be taken care of, more so than she desires her freedom, and she projects those feelings onto the rest of humanity.

Second, Clay's death: this is the one that made many fans dislike Lucy's character, as she leaves him to die when she had the perfect opportunity to save him by running back to the assassins with him.

While there are plenty of ways to interpret this, I personally believe that it was simply a bad call on her part, possibly caused by her overestimating Vidic's and her own abilities to cure him, as well as the nature of the doctor's intentions.

As stated by the official wiki, in fact, when talking about subject 15 "Lucy Stillman eventually became concerned with the condition of the subject and advised Warren Vidic to cease exposing her to the Animus.[2] Warren agreed and insisted Lucy take the day off.[3] He then sent an e-mail to Steve Gibbs informing him of the need for "disposal units" at the labs as well as the drafting of a fake accident report by James Morse, implying the termination of the subject.[4]", which might suggest that Lucy is a much more naive character than Desmond's pov would have us believe, at least when it comes to Vidic.

Third: this might be a bit weird but… all the tiny choices she makes when interacting with Desmond and the other assassins, what she chooses to reveal and what she doesn't… the reveal of her betrayal puts all the information given to us by pre-reveal Lucy into question, thus making her an unreliable narrator.

Considering that the rest of our information regarding her comes from Juno (the mother of all bitches) and Clay (whose pov was heavily manipulated by said mother of all bitches), both also unreliable narrators…

What we do actually know about Lucy is very little, and idk I think that makes her even more interesting.

So, uhm, yeah. There's a lot of other stuff I wanted to cover, such as the many ways I believe she is a tragic character and how her interactions with other characters (Coff coff Daniel coff coff) could have been very interesting to see but alas I am tired and my brain wants me to go to sleep already.

Bye and thanks for reading this.

Here's a cookie as a reward 🍪

[readbythestarlight]

c2e109

Sam

Why must you hurt me in this way

Any bit but a k-pop bit I beg

STOP xD

[[MORE]]

Ooooo Yasha joining the tattoo crew!!

Runes?? Orphanmaker??

Is that a name she wants to keep claiming? Reclaim??

Niiiiiice

I can’t wait for tattoo art

"The horses had dresses?"

I do NOT remember the horse dresses

Shopping episode yayyyyy!

Beau is about to get some highly illegal fireworks

lol 50 gold

"Beauregard. Pirate Beauregard."

"Interesting first name, your parents really had a plan for you."

lmao I love this

A whole fricking cart of fireworks

Oh my god this is so PRECIOUS ajslalkss I LOVE JESTER AND MARION

"I wanted to know where my family lives" that’s both funny and sad

Anyway guys I’m like kinda in love with Marion

Fjord and Yasha shopping trip?? Excellent

Alchemical Fire is something Veth will be sorry she missed

Fjord xD

They’re gonna buy something cool and have the rightful owner on their ass for it

They are having too much fun fucking with those poor shop owner xD

"5000 gold!?"

"What if we go to hell or something??!"

Do iiiiiit Yasha

lmao noPE

Yasha and Fjord are disasters together and I LOVE IT

More of them wandering off together

Matching yellow family overalls xD

Poor Yeza lol

xD Fjord

You could have had it for 5k and now you���ve spent 5500 you dork

Wait we know that name don’t we

Sutan?

Wait did they KILL that guy??

What are the odds?

Wouldn’t it be fucking amazing if they killed him with fire?

Marion with the open invitation to her ex and if he doesn’t answer it I will be SALT

Veth please, keep your bedroom stuff in the bedroom :P

Niiiiiice transporting home??

I don’t think Caleb likes the idea of leaving Veth and I get it but... he needs to understand that she needs to be home

Beau realizing she has Authority

Breaaaaak?

I just read the coin story and Lol

This store plays music when you walk in??

Good lord

This shop sounds like Jester’s prank haven

My god

It’s a shame they didn’t find this shop BEFORE traveler con

What’s this other ring I missed it

Oh the spell ring

See THAT’s 5000 well spent

They’ve cleared the stock of so many shops lol

"Anyone interested in small clay doggies?"

F: "Do they move?"

"If... you... make them...?" *wiggles hand*

These losers finally get so much money and they spend it mostly on dumb things and I love it

Please buy the unicorn and give it to Jester I beg you Fjord

Aww dancing and drinks that’s cute

Lollllll Jester

Of course

YES the unicorn

good boy Fjord!

I’m so pleased

Oh look, Jester giving her blessing for a BeauYasha kisssssss ;)

They all ship it at this point let’s be real like Jester over here giving Beau a nudge "you have to give her the chance to make that choice" and Cad with the "thinking about your future" like

Guys you’re amazing

Oh okay imma need Cad doing some bonfire dancing

And Yasha doing bonfire dancing

I NEED it

Uhhhh

WHAT

WHAT

IS BABY GIRL’S HAIR GOING

IM SO HAPPYYYYY

"How it used to be" that’s amazing I’m gonna cry

Cad: "I miss it, but I’m afraid I might miss this more." <3

"You might be stuck with us for a little while longer."

"That’s a fine future."

"Yeah."

God I’m so soft for all the soft bonding tonight!

I’m so tired I haven’t been properly following but fuck here we go

A Godkiller weapon huh

Eor is an interesting name

But yeah I’ve got a baaaad feel

Oh shit so it’s a fight to find weapons capable of destroying the gods

Oh my god, icy and desolate, he CALLED it when he said earlier they’d end up somewhere frozen xD

I like how just everyone hates Trent

Like they’re just “ew no he sucks” all the time

Too many giant floating cities going on here

They’re not going to go without Veth tho I assume

“LAAVAAAAAA!” xD

Ice breaker ship?? Nice

75,000 gold NICE

“Who are we gonna run into”

God I hope it’s hotboi

“Are you Bren?”

Shit

Matt that’s amazing

But shit

It’s gonna be fucking Trent isn’t it

You CREEP

Nasty creepy freak

Bad vibes bad vibes BAD VIBES

“A proper family reunion” I’m going to stab him

Matt you sneaky bastard

Shiiiiiiit man did not see that coming

We love you too Matt

[yourdeepestfathoms]

in aeternum, little lamb

(Read Anne as Courtney!Anne)

Word count: 4756

Prompt: “Look, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone.”

———————

It was raining. Again.

Usually a rainstorm was serene and peaceful, normal for London, but there was a certain sticky humidity in the air that made going outside a chore. It was cold, yet uncomfortably warm at the same time with no wind blowing to ease the mild heat that has settled its oppressive, sultry murk over the city. It spilled into every street, every alleyway, every house that dared to open the window, thinking that it would help with the clamminess that fogged their home, but to no avail.

This, of course, brought upon complete and utter dreariness that coated every person making their rounds through their daily lives.

Anne’s forehead was dotted with beads of sweat by the time she arrived at the theater, only then really regretting her decision to walk to work. She hadn’t been expecting the humidity to be that bad, but here she was, feeling like she was leaking steam from every pore.

“God, this weather is miserable,” Jane was grumbling in her dressing room when Anne peeked in. She was currently attempting to tame her wild blonde hair (and losing the battle), which had a small (read as: large, high, anything but small) tendency to frizz up in high vaporous atmospheres like the one drenching London on that day.

“You look great, Jane.” Anne laughed, leaning on the doorframe. She gets a piercing grey glower shot in her direction, but isn’t phased by it. The coldness of the stare almost eased her internal temperature.

“Why is it so damn humid?” Jane finally exclaimed. “We live in London! Not Florida or whatever the fuck it’s called—”

Anne bit both lips, trying to hold back her laughter at the proper fit the queen before her was throwing.

“It’s supposed to be rainy and cold. Not rainy and a LITERAL SAUNA!”

Kitty, who was sitting nearby at her own makeup table, giggled softly. She got up and picked up a brush to help with her mother’s wild hair, which was definitely puffing up as if she were an angry cat or a distressed Studio Ghibli character.

“I don’t know, Jane,” Anne laughed slightly. “Well, I’m going to go get a cup of coffee. You two need anything?”

“Yeah,” Jane said. “A word with Mother Nature.”

Anne laughed again, waved a hand, and walked off to the break room.

Well- it wasn’t really a break room, per se. Theaters didn’t really have those. It was just an extra dressing room that nobody used and had a microwave, mini fridge, and coffee machine inside. In some way or another, a round bar table, small couch, and two beanbags ended up inside- Anne couldn’t really remember how they got there, but they were there and, thus, the room became a nice place to chat and relax when nothing was going on. Kitty had once even hid under the twin beanbags during a game of hide-and-seek (which was also her idea).

Upon stepping inside the break room, the scent of coffee bombarded Anne’s nose. The coffee machine was still on, but little was left in the pot. She walks over to it, thinking it was enough to sate her- she didn’t really like coffee, but she needed the extra rush to help her combat the dreariness the weather was inflicting upon her.

“Sorry,” A voice from behind suddenly said. “If I had known you wanted some, I would have made more.”

Anne actually jumped and she whirled around to see none other than the music director sitting in one of the beanbags. She jumped, too, and straightened up, nearly spilling the mug she had placed beside her pillowy seat.

“Sorry!” She said again. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Anne placed a hand over her racing heart and waved the other dismissively, laughing.

“It’s alright!” She assured the girl. “I didn’t see you at all!”

Joan smiled slightly, humoring her comment, then slumped back over to continue reading the book she had in her lap.

Anne studies her for a moment- as everyone said, Joan wasn’t much for conversation, despite always lurking on the edges of a group discussion. It was like she wanted to join in or just talk to someone, but didn’t have the courage to do so. Perhaps she was worried about being ignored or rejected, so, instead, she just watched in silence.

Maybe that’s why a few younger stagehands who were working there for college credit started calling her the “Theater Ghost.” Anne couldn’t really deny that that title wasn’t accurate- her not noticing the girl at all just proved that it was.

“Did you drink all of this?” She asked, trying to strike up a conversation to make things less awkward. Tenseness was as thick as the humidity outside in that room.

“It’s not that big of a pot...” Joan sort of mumbled.

So, yes. She did.

Anne frowned slightly. She vaguely knew of Joan’s caffeine addiction, but never really saw it first hand. She just knew that the girl drank more coffee than everyone working on the show combined.

“I see,” Anne chuckled. “Well, alright.”

She turned around while waiting for the pot to fill to see that Joan was looking at her. However, when she noticed, Joan snapped her head back down to her book. Anne furrowed her eyebrows.

“What are you reading?”

“Huh?” Joan seemed...surprised that Anne was asking her something. “Oh, it’s just- it’s just some silly book.” She kicked her leg anxiously against the beanbag, seemingly trying to hype herself up for something. “It’s, umm- it’s called Wings of Fire.”

She brandishes the book, keeping one finger inside the pages to mark her spot. On the cover was a flying gold and black dragon with four insect wings, spines along the back, and funny little glasses on the snout (something about dragons having eyesight care and possibly dragon eye doctors stood out as silly to Anne).

“It looks good,” Anne said after inspecting the picture.

“Oh, it is!” Joan said, perking up slightly. “It’s about these ten dragon tribes and five baby dragons were supposed to be born on The Brightest Night and be the Dragonets of Destiny to stop the war between three Sandwings fighting to be queen. So they’re kept underground, but their caretakers are kinda abusive and mean. Probably because the Skywing egg was destroyed so they had to replace it with a Rainwing egg, which are supposed to be the laziest tribe and that makes Kestrel- the really mean guardian- mad. So she’s kinda a jerk to the five dragonets. But then they break out of their cave before they’re supposed to leave when they’re six, because they have to wait until they’re seven, only to be captured by the Skywing queen! And they’re forced to fight to the death and they’re almost killed because this one character, Peril, can burn everything she touches! But then it’s revealed that Clay, he’s the Mudwing, has fireproof scales! And Glory, she’s the Rainwing I was talking about, can spit venom!! Then they escape and go to the Seawing kingdom and Tsunami- the Seawing- is actually the missing Seawing princess and a statue was killing all the other eggs. Then they go to the rainforest and Glory becomes queen and Starflight goes blind in the fourth book and the end of the war happens in the fifth!!” She’s babbling about a hundred miles per minute- Anne can barely keep up. “We should- we should read it together! If you’re interested. Like a book club! Except I’m on the twelfth book right now and I don’t know how fast you can read and I just basically spoiled the entire series, hahaha...but only for the first five!! But the next arc isn’t that good if you ask me. It completely throws everything that has happened out the window and just puts new characters in a school? Which they barely even stay at! So why even make the school, Tui? And my favorite character in that segment is in a coma for, like, three of the five books in that arc!! Arc three is pretty cool, though. I like the new tribes. And Sundew is supposed to be a lesbian! With an actual girlfriend! And it’s a main plot point!!” She’s beaming now. “I just—I think you would really, really like it and, I dunno...it would be fun! I can read it aloud? N-not because I think you can’t read or anything, I just—like talking. To someone. And to make sure you don’t doze off and miss any of the really good parts! Because there are SO MANY even though Tui doesn’t seem to remember any of her world building half of the time, but—”

“Joan?”

“Yeah?”

“Breathe.”

Joan’s face flashed deep crimson. She hunched her shoulders around her neck and ducked her head, almost using her book as a shield to hide herself. It seems she just realized that she had been talking the green queen’s ear off.

“Sorry,” She whispered. “I-I just thought that you wanted to...” She shook her head. Her hands clench around the sides of her book. “Nevermind.”

“Joan-”

“Your coffee is gonna get cold.”

Anne looked at the full coffee pot, then back to the girl, and then walked over to get herself a cup. She can hear Joan shifting anxiously in the beanbag behind her.

Honestly, she found the girl’s deep interest in what she was reading quite endearing, she just didn’t know how to reply to her monologue in a way that showed that she actually was interested in what she was saying.

“Maybe send me the link to the book sometime?” Anne offered while heading for the door. “Or if you have a physical copy...”

“Yeah,” Joan smiles thinly- weakly. “I have some at home. I’ll give them to you tomorrow.”

“Sounds great.”

“Oh, and— Anne?”

Anne stopped right as she was walking out.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

Joan looked down shyly, shifting her legs.

“For talking to me.”

———

“She thanked me. For standing there while she was ranting about a book!”

The other queens looked rather amused by the story they were given during dinner. It wasn’t exactly the reactions Anne was hoping for- was nobody else concerned by the oddity of the situation?!

“Joan’s a...quirky kid.” Jane merely said. “She’s always been a little strange, Anne. I’m almost positive she was raised by literal street rats, so that might have something to do with it. Rats aren’t exactly much for conversation.”

Anne looked at her in shock. Of everyone to say such a thing, she hadn’t expected it to come from Jane “Protective and Loving Mom Friend” Seymour.

“Did you just—”

“Anne,” Jane sighed. “You know what I’m talking about. She worked for you! She’s just a weird kid. Kids are weird!”

“‘Weird’ is when a kid likes to watch snails go over salt and get burned, Jane. Thanking someone for listening to them talk about a book is concerning.” Anne argued.

“Cathy does it all the time.”

“Cathy doesn’t thank us!”

Anne was really getting worked up over this and she wasn’t exactly sure why. She really only got this way for Kitty or Maggie- she theorized it was those maternal instincts kicking in or just a natural protectiveness for an ex-maid in waiting.

Whatever it was, it sure seemed to be amusing to the others.

“Okay, calm down, Anne.” Cleves said, laughing slightly. “We get it, you think it’s worrying. No need to start a food fight over it.”

“I’m not going to-” Anne broke off into agitated grumbling, which caused even more giggles in reaction.

“I said thank you to Catherine when I read to her yesterday,” Cathy said.

“That’s because you were asking her opinion on a chapter you wrote!” Anne struck back. “It is NOT the same thing!”

Cathy shrugged and took a bite out of her pork chop.

“It’s nothing you should stress about, Annie.” Kitty said. “Maybe some people are just meant to be alone!”

Anne gave her a look of disbelief.

“Like Henry.” Cleves put in helpfully.

“Like Henry, yeah!”

Now, don’t get Anne wrong, she loved her little found family with the queens very much, but, at that moment, she wanted to hit all of them with the salad bowl at the center of the table as hard as she could.

Maybe not Aragon, though (unfortunately). The woman hadn’t told Anne to forget about the situation or just move on- she was thoughtfully silent, eating her dinner in reserved peace. Whatever her opinion on the argument was, she didn’t say it.

Anne sighed, putting her head in one hand as she picked at her dinner until Aragon finally spoke up to tell her to get her elbow off the table. She begrudgingly obeys.

Like that, the conversation is dropped and something new, something Anne really didn’t care about was talked about.

After dinner, Anne decided to do some snooping on her laptop. First, she looked up historical information on Joan, only to find nothing. Every website was just the same thing over and over again- literally. It was just copied and pasted from the extremely short and vague Wikipedia page on the girl. The names of her parents weren’t even recorded, nor was any childhood information. There was barely even anything on her time as a lady in waiting, which only covered her work under Jane and not either of the cousins.

She had a son named Hercules, though. If that meant anything.

Next, Anne went to Joan’s Instagram page. It had several hundred followers, mainly from the fans who insisted on following everyone associated with the show, and was filled with the normal posts the actors usually had- although there were very few compared to the queen’s and other ladies in waiting’s accounts. Most of the photos were of her work or her playing the songs on her piano or of selfies of her in the band costume.

In almost all of them, she was completely alone.

Anne searched for something- she didn’t know what exactly, just something- in the seventh-five posts on the account, then went to the photos Joan was tagged in. There weren’t many- just group photos and a few good shots of her from a MegaSix and a single appreciation post (she vaguely remembered Joan telling them about it and how giddy it had made her...nobody had really listened to the babbling at the time).

And then Anne found a certain photo- the first one she was ever tagged in: it was a photo of her costume laid out on a table with the caption, “Here’s the lady in waiting costume! I’ll be posting about SIX more on my other account, so follow if you’re interested!”

The name of the account was @force-be-with-ewe.

Anne clicked on it.

force-be-with-ewe

i just really like drawing sheep

Johanna-She/her-Asexual lesbian-Musician and artist

That’s the first thing Anne saw when she clicked on the account, along with an adorable profile picture of a sheep playing a piano, then the whopping twelve followers (most of which were ghosts or bots) and three hundred and nine posts.

It took Anne just a moment to realize that this was Joan’s personal account.

And she went through all of it.

The profile was a mishmash of drawings and piano videos and sheep. The latest post was actually a photo of a bird with a caption talking about how the little guy had been visiting Joan’s bedroom window every morning and “giving her a reason to get up because she had someone looking forward to seeing her.” She maturely and proudly dubbed the bird “Minecraft.”

After that were drawings of dragons with #wingsoffire and #wof in the descriptions, leading Anne to believe that they were characters from the book she had been told about earlier that day.

And they just kept going.

Among videos of Joan playing the theater keyboard when presumably nobody was around, were drawings of sheep playing various instruments and sleeping and being adorable, drawings of more dragons, drawings of a few Pokémon (mainly Snom, Wooloo, and Sobble). There were stunning drawings of giant creatures from a game called “Subnautica” and beautiful drawings of castles and scenery. There were even drawings of the queens!

Usually fans would tag them in art, but it appeared that Joan was too shy to do that. So, instead, she just left them floating in her profile with no ways to see the masterpieces, since there weren’t any hashtags on those.

Anne was genuinely amazed by the attention to detail in the sketches of her and her fellow queens and even more amazed by the drawings with watercolors. She swore the painting’s eyes had more color than her own and the costume was as vibrant as the actual one in real life.

It was beautiful. They were all beautiful.

Why didn’t Joan want anyone seeing these?

Anne kept scrolling and eventually came upon rather...concerning posts.

The first was of a messy, but haunting colored pencil sketch of a pitch black ram with inky, bleeding red eyes that seemed to stare through the screen and directly into Anne’s soul. The caption simply said, “Black Philip.”

Another was a drawing of a blonde girl, presumably Joan, leaking coffee from every single orifice on her face and was drawn with such detail that it would easily make an emetophobic’s stoamch churn with nausea.

And then there were a few of an ice dragon, slightly similar to one of the dragon tribes from the book, but this one notably had more icicle spikes, frayed scales, and jagged wings. It was moon silver in color with ice blue hues and eyes like a raging blizzard.

All the drawings done with this beast, which was apparently named “Killer Frost” (and has no ties to the Flash character of the same name), were normal- just it laying around, flying, standing atop icebergs menacingly or breathing a freezing death breath. But there were a few that stood out to Anne as worrying.

The first was of Kitty, actually. She was wearing her show costume and her eyes were closed with a peaceful expression on her face. And then there was the glittering paw of the ice dragon reaching down from the top of the image and cupping one of her cheeks with its serrated, barbed claws. The caption read, “The Chosen One.”

The second and much more concerning drawing was captioned, “Envy truly is a deadly sin.”

It was a drawing of Killer Frost crouched in a feral position, staring forward with blazing eyes, jaw hanging open and teeth bared, absolutely soaked in blood.

There was just blood everywhere. Blood on the body, blood on the claws, blood dripping in horrifying realistic threads from the mouth, blood all over the blank, white floor beneath the beast, blood squirting from the remains of the carcasses that had presumably been gored.

The image left Anne with so many questions- What did this represent? Who were those corpses? Was Joan jealous? And if yes, who was she jealous of?

One thing was certain, though- Joan was startlingly good at drawing gore. A sketch of Killer Frost holding its own gooey, bloody esophagus and larynx in another photo just proved that. There was even one of the dragon ripping its own throat out while the faint outline of what appeared to be three ghosts encouraged it.

It was strange to see such mishmashes of horror shoved in between adorable sketches of sleeping baby lambs and fluffy Wooloos. It also left Anne with growing worry for the artist.

When she finally finished going through the profile, Anne decided the follow the account and became the thirteenth follower.

This time, thirteen would not be an unlucky number.

———

Five books were left on Anne’s dressing room table the next day, all with a colorful dragon on the cover, and a note that read, “I didn’t know if you only wanted one book or all of them, so I just left the first arc. Let me know what you think! :) -Joan”

“Fan mail?” Cleves asked, peeking over to the table from where she was getting ready.

“Nah,” Anne replied. “Just some books.”

“Sounds very cool,” Cleves chuckled before returning to dousing her hair with hairspray.

“Extremely.” Anne said, then set out to find and talk to Joan before the show. She could get her hair and makeup done later!

Except she couldn’t find the girl anywhere. She asked around, but nobody knew where she went. And she was definitely there because Anne saw her onstage right before the performance, but, by then, it was too late to speak to her. Anne just decided to see her afterwards, which was easier said than done because, once again, Joan was nowhere in sight.

Anne was about to give up, since it was almost time to leave, but then she spotted the girl in the break room playing a card game by herself at the round bar table. She considered charging in and barking at her about where she’s been, but she didn’t want to freak her out, so she just walked in calmly.

“Hey, Joan,” She said cooly, noticing the way the music director’s hand froze as she was setting down a card. She grabbed a water bottle from the mini fridge and sat down at the chair across from Joan. “Whatcha doing?”

“Just...playing a card game my brother taught me.” The girl replied meekly.

Joan had a brother? The articles on her said nothing about him...

“You had cards back then?” Anne asked, as if she hadn’t been born in the same time period.

“No, we used strips of wood we would tear off from people’s houses and carved symbols on them with knives.”

Anne blinked.

“...Oh. That’s...”

“Concerning?” Joan finally glanced up from her deck of cards to look at Anne. A ghost of a smile graced her lips for a moment before she tilted her head back down with a light laugh. “I know.”

“Mind if I play?”

She’s glanced at again- scanned, as if Joan was expecting her to pull something and make a joke out of her. But then she gave in and began collecting the cards from how they’re laid out on the table.

“This game is too complicated to explain,” She said. “But we can play Speed?”

After a quick rundown of the rules, Anne agreed and the game began.

And honestly? It was great. Joan genuinely laughed and smiled as they playfully bickered and argued over the card game. She almost looked like a happy little lamb frolicking in a field of flowers.

On their third round, Kitty peeks into the break room.

“There you are, Annie!” She said. “I was looking for you!”

“Oh, hey, Kit!” Anne said. Out of the corner of her eye, she definitely saw Joan clench her jaw. The drawing of Kitty and Killer Frost’s claws and then the bloody sketch briefly flashed in her mind. “What’s up?”

“We’re leaving,” Kitty informed. “We had dinner plans tonight, remember?”

Joan sighed softly and began to pick up the cards. Anne gently pressed her hand down.

“I think I’m going to pass tonight, Kit.”

Both blondes looked shocked- Joan more than Kitty from the way her head whipped up fast enough to give her whiplash.

“How come?” Kitty asked, clearly confused. “I thought you really wanted to go to this pub...”

“I know, but I’m hanging out with Joan right now.” Anne said. “Just bring me home something if you can!”

Kitty blinked several times, glanced at Joan, then nodded and walked out.

“You didn’t have to stay,” Joan whispered.

“I wanted to, though.” Anne assured her. She gently took the deck of cards from Joan’s clenched hands and began dealing them out. “Wanna keep playing Speed or try War? I’ve played with Aragon before. I swear, she ALMOST broke my nose in anger!”

“You followed me last night.”

Anne blinked.

“Yeah, of course,” She said. “I had no idea you could draw so well. You’re very talented.”

A hot pink blush dusts Joan’s cheeks and she looked away. She anxiously plays with the corner of an ace of spades. The slight drizzle that had been tapping on the window starts to pick up.

“I-”

She’s embarrassed, Anne realized. Embarrassed and horrified because she knows Anne saw the gruesome drawings she had made.

She believes that Anne thinks she’s sick. Or a freak. Or a monster.

Anne would admit that they’re a little weird, but a lot of artists liked to make horrific art. Nothing wrong with that, especially if they were vents.

“Joan-”

“Why are you doing this?” Joan asked quietly. She looked up and centuries worth of loneliness and neglect and pain reflect in her stormy grey eyes. “What do you want?”

Finally, Anne understood.

“Look,” Anne said. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone.”

Joan froze. She just stared at Anne in shock for a long time before tears fill her eyes and start to run down her cheeks. She tries to stop them, but it’s clear she’s been bottling this all up for a long time and won’t be able to hold it back any longer.

“Y-you want to be my friend?” Joan whispered.

“Yes, Joan.” Anne answered her honestly, not missing a beat. “You deserve someone who cares about you.”

The most heartbreaking whimper Anne has ever heard strangled itself out of Joan’s throat. The tears start to come down faster.

“N-nobody— Nobody has ever w-wanted to—”

“Oh, Joan...”

Anne quickly got out of her chair and walked around to Joan’s side of the table. She wrapped her arms around the girl and she immediately slumped into her embrace, clinging back like Anne was her life line.

“Oh, Joan,” Anne said again. “Oh, you poor, sweet little thing...”

Joan began to openly sob against her shoulder. Her hands claw at the back of Anne’s shirt, desperate for a good hold.

“I’ve- I’ve been alone f-for so long—” She wept.

“Shh, shh,” Anne hushed her. She began to rub her back soothingly. “I’ve got you now, honey. I’ve got you. I won’t let you go.”

That elicits a sharp whimper from Joan, who burrows herself even closer to the queen’s warmth. And she stays like that, half slid out of her stool, clutching onto Anne Boleyn like her life depended on it until she was able to choke back the rest of her tears.

“Feeling any better?” Anne asked. She was still rubbing Joan’s back, as the girl had yet to pull back from the embrace.

Joan shrugged weakly. “A-little.” She croaked. “N-not...not good. But better. B-because you’re here.”

Anne’s heart simultaneously broke and melted.

“You sweet girl,” She said lovingly. “I want to be here for you from now on. Is that alright?”

Joan nodded. “Please...”

“Alright,” Anne said. She gently pressed Joan back and gave her her water bottle, which she never actually opened. “Drink something for me, sweetheart.”

Joan obeyed and took a few small sips of the water. It soothed her dry throat, which was weak from the outpour of emotions.

“Good girl,” Anne said encouragingly. “Hey, here’s an idea! Why don’t we go back to my house and watch a movie? I know there’s a tray of lasagna we could heat up! If you want to, that is.”

“N-no, that’s-” Joan sniffled. “I would really, really like that...”

Anne smiled warmly at her.

“Wonderful.”

———

When the other queens came home later that evening, none of them were expecting to see Anne sitting on the couch with the music director’s head in her lap, but that’s the sight they were greeted to.

They both looked content, Anne with a loving smile on her lips and Joan with a peaceful expression settled on her face as she slept. One of Anne’s hands was stroking through Joan’s hair and the other was holding a book, which she looked up from when the front door opened.

“Hey, ladies,” She said, momentarily setting down Wings of Fire- The Dragonet Prophecy. “How was dinner?”

———

A day later, Anne got a notification on her phone saying that @force-be-with-ewe had posted. When she checks it, she sees a digital drawing of Killer Frost being nuzzled lovingly by a large, emerald green dragon.

The caption simply reads, “Thank you for giving me a chance”

[thebachrehash]

I don’t mind being assertive, I’m a Wilhelmina model

Ladies and gents, it’s time for the prerequisite “Shout the Bach’s name from the balcony” intro.  “Becaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

We immediately jump in with the always charming Chris Harrison handing out the first group date card reading, “Ready for my big day.”

Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln cheese grin their way to meet Becca at a mansion with her in a (gorg) white dress.  She let’s them know that she wants to pamper the men like she was on her first date with Arie... because that went well.  The men drop trou and Becca is officially ready to get back in the game.  She calls Lincoln a block of muscle.  Jordan, while doing the “pensive”, let’s her know that he is a male model, and that the largest tip he could give her any day is to put the confidence on in the morning before her panty hose.  Not sure who’s wearing panty hose these days (besides my mom - hi, Kath!), but now we know.

The men roll out in their tuxes, to the poor man’s version of a Survivor obstacle course and are greeted by the poor man’s version of Ashton and Mila - Rachel and “not-Peter”, Bryan.  They’re there to help host “Groomsday”, and they warn they will have to get dirtay.

In order to see if the men have what it takes to be marriage material, they will go through a strange obstacle course complete with standing in a cold tub of water and eating cake without their hands.  Rachel (dirty, dirty girl) shouts it’s important to see, “what that mouth do.”  Connor gets the largest kick out of it, as he sends it to Barstool.

Lincoln is in it to win it to reach his “beautiful princess” Becca.  He is cheating.  He is cheating blatantly.  But, there are no rule keepers, this is the f’ing Bach.  Well, there are no rule keepers except for tattle tale Chris who knows that he got in the bucket after him and left before him.

In a really messy battle for the finishline, Lincoln beats out Chicken David.  He gets to plant a kiss on Becca and they take their wedding day picture.  Seems innocent enough.  If only it was.

Chris Harrison let’s them all know that EVERYONE will be able to attend the rest of the group date.  Ya hear that Krystal.

So the men all convene at a round couch, and Lincoln steals his “wife” immediately as they “just got married”.  He says something like, “she would only get the best from him when she gives her best and that makes them the best and he wants nothing more for her than the best.”  Becca goes, “Hmmm, well that’s nice, I have something for you.”  Thinking it’s the rose, Lincoln sits up all ready for Santa to come down the chimney.  Instead, Becca brings a photo from their wedding day.  It’s cute and Lincoln is very excited.

Lincoln returns to the men a smitten kitten and shares something about unicorns and Pegasus and a pot of gold, and prominently displays his prized possession, his photo of the two of them.

Connor is NOT having this.  He thinks it’s a slap in the face that he would put this picture out.  Bro, needs to chill a bit, but Lincoln is weird and being extra,

Meanwhile, Becca is bonding with the men.  

Chris woos her in telling her that he wants to treat her the way he treats his mom and sister.  David wants to be pushed intellectually and she couldn’t agree more.  Clay is here for her and he wants her to get to know the real him.  

Back at the couch, Lincoln is now kissing the picture of him and Becca.  Connor throws it.  Lincoln picks it up.  Connor finally opens the door and frisbees it into the pool.

Lincoln, just a little dramatically, proclaims that his heart is broken.  He starts to tear up, he was looking forward to sharing this with his mom.  Picturegate has begun.

Back in the private lounge our Jean Blanc must be spraying some special, soothing scents onto Miss Becca.  He lets her know that she is the missing part of his life and that she makes him feel so special.  He takes all the courage from his ck one spritz, and tells her the only thing more beautiful than her smile is her lips.  They smooch.  

Before Becca can make it back to the other men, she is stopped by Lincoln.  He lets her know that, not only did he lose his beloved picture, but he feels threatened physically.  what.is.going.on

Becca pulls Connor aside on what has become a date in a pre-school.  She is over it.  She wonders if Connor is a roid-rager slash if this is his regular reaction.  He agrees that it was way over the top.  She said she’ll take some time to think about it, but it’s probably not the best time to get to know one another.

Becca gathers them all together and says it had definitely been an interesting and revealing night.  Jean Blanc gets the group date rose.  He tells her to pin it on the leather, “he don’t even care.”  He’s so excited, it’s v. cute.

It’s time for Blake’s one on one date.

He’s pumped that he gets to roll out in a limo instead of on an ox.  Small pleasures.

Becca fills him in that she has no idea what they’ll be doing as Chris Harrison planned this one.  They get to the area that is a “little run down” and see Chris with a sledgehammer waiting for them.  They’re asked to put on little work jumpers (Becca’s complete with a belt from Charming Charlie), helmets and Tims.  Then, they’re both given their own sledgehammers.

They go inside and “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!” 

This is where everything from Arie’s season went to die.  Chris and, um what?!? Lil Jon let them know that they’re gonna get to destroy everything in the room.  Immediately Becca climbs that racecar and smashes in the windows.  This is FABULOUS.  

Carrie Underwood would be proud.

I have zero idea why Lil Jon is there, but am so VERY happy that Blake is a “huge fan of his”.  Sure you are Blakey boy.

The two of them proceed to make the whitest rap video ever, and Blake is so happy to see Becca so happy. I am cheese grinning my way through watching it.

Post wrecking crew, they sit down to dinner.  They’re ridiculously comfortable with each other for just the first date.  Blake shares his heartbreak over his most recent relationship where he thought he was with the one.  In positive news, he said it was worth it, because now he knows what he wants, and knows that he is capable of loving like that.  Becca empathizes. I am having a hard and fast therapy session with both of them.  Through the pain, they have found so much strength that they never knew was in there.  I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Blake clearly gets the rose, and states to the camera: “I have no idea how Arie let her go.”  I love him.

It’s time for the second group date of the week... “Love comes at you hard and fast.”  

Well it comes hard and fast, except for poor Jason and Mike who are the only dateless men of the week.

The men for Group date #2 (Alex, Christon, Colton, Garrett, John, Leo, Rickey, Ryan, Trent, and Wills), board a school bus and head to a gym where they are greeted with some fabulous, tyrannical child actors.

Becca, in her 24387948th metallic outfit of the season, informs that the men that they are going to be playing some good old-fashioned dodgeball.  But first, these children will warm them up a la suicides (can we call them that anymore?!?) and pelting them with 70 mph dodgeballs; all while calling them TRASHHHHHH and somehow still making fun of Arie.  These kids are amaze.

They get set for the game, and the team with Becca all make the wise choice to hide behind her.  However, Christon don’t give a F and proceeds to belt Becca a number of times.  Spoiler alert: this doesn’t work out well for him in the end.

The men and Becca then move on to skyzone, where they’re to play a large game of trampoline dodgeball in front of a v. confused crowd, Chris Harrison, and Fred Willard.  Why tho?

Poor, pretty haired Leo is flying through the air and is in all his stuntman glory.  However, the rest of his team, complete with a former pro football player, suck to high heavens.  He is continually the only man left standing.  After three rounds, the green team wins and gets a trophy.

In probably his only soundbite of the season, Alex snarkly asks if it’s cool to display the trophy to the pink team.  Somewhere back at the ranch, Lincoln is crying again.

Becca gets her alone time with the men.  Garrett and her dork out together, Leo gets a little romantical, and she compliments Wills style while he almost tears up talking about his parents’ 50th anniversary coming up.  They share a kiss, and I think he kind’ve gave her his varsity jacket.

But, it wouldn’t be a group date without a bombshell.  

Pretty boy Colton fesses up that he had a former relationship with Weiner, Arkansas Tia.  Becca is visibly shook and doesn’t really know what to think.  Did he come on the Bach hoping it would actually be Tia?  Is he a fame whore?  Is he a whore?

So many questions.

In the end, she gives the group date Rose to Wills and his uneven scruff.  He’s happy, and Colton is nervous he’s gonna get the boot.

It’s time for the cocktail hour, and Becca is trying to not question what the f is wrong with all of these dudes.  She said she’s a lot more emotional than she thought she would be.

Clay pulls her outside to show her how he would celebrate scoring a touchdown.  Somehow he makes this boring, but he does score a kiss.  Me, and all of America, can name at least 10 other tight ends we would rather see on this show right now.  I’m looking at you, Gronk.

Venmo John pulls her aside and they make out.  Connor puts his tail between his legs and gives her a picture of him.  It breaks the ice and i think they’re cool now.

Chicken David is having what seems like a decently lovely conversation when Jordan decides it’s time to parade around in his undies and a pink furry blankie.  Jordan interrupts and Becca is questioning Jordan.  Is this a joke?  

Post convo, Chicken David confronts Jordan and stutters when telling him he was being disingenuous.  Jordan chooses this time to not only correct him, but to inform David that he’s the one being in-genuine-titty.

For the record, Jordan would also like everyone to know that he doesn’t want to be misrepresented as 007 all the time.  He likes to live life on the edge, but while doing so he likes to have well kept hair.  He’s multi-dimensional.  He doesn’t mind being assertive, he is in FACT a Wilhelmina model.  And he’d like to think he’d score a little higher than a typical male model on “that” test.  

So, he wouldn’t light the cig at the gas station while sipping on his orange mocha frappuccino?  You be the judge.

Before handing out the roses, Becca lets Colton know that she needs more clarity before getting to know him further.  She has to think a bit.  Colton is scared he’s going home.  Obvs, he would NEVER, well not until we can get Tia to come on a date and make this some good tv.

At the rose ceremony we say good-bye to Alex (and that SUPER sad tearful good-bye), Christon (that’s what you get for pelting her with a dodgeball), Rickey and Trent.

Power Rankings

1 - Blake (+2) - Solid connection, I heart him

2 - Wills (+2) - There’s something there... he’s chill, and a fab dresser

3 - Garrett (-2) - Dropping for air time and his scandalous likes on the gram

4 - Jean Blanc (+9) - Coming in hot and smelling good too

5 - Chris (+10) - Coming back hot from being the tattle tale in Episode 1

6 - Leo (+6) - Thiiiiis close to getting the group date rose this week

7 - Colton (-5) - Bringing the drama with the Tia card, and yet still having a v-card?  There’s no way he’s going anywhere soon.

8 - Jason (+1) - No date, but played it calm and cool

9 - Lincoln (-3) - I mean, they got married, but I want him to go

10 - Jordan (+1) - Literally, NOTHING in common, but I’ll keep him for his confidence and commentary

11 - Clay (-4) - Yawning

12 - John (-2) - Cashed in on a make-out... I’m impressed

13 - David (-5) - He’s geeky, but trying

14 - Mike (+5) - Tim Riggins is due for some time next week

15 - Connor (+1) - picturegate is over?!?!

16 - Nick (+5) - Hanging in the background

17 - Ryan (-) - Get your banjo out and play it man!

[prodigaldaughteralice]

alice liveblogs infinity war

we’re watching infinity war finally and I’m already mad at it or being grimdark

(spoilers I didn’t like it. also there’s some vague SU and PMMM spoilers in here because I ramble.)

like the end of Ragnarok was SO GOOD with the asgardian refugees and then they just fucking kill them all and the whole pre-credits bit was just pointless

also they pretended to kill Loki and that guy is never actually dead but it pissed me off

also I’m sad I’m so sick of Cumberbatch because I really like the idea of having a straight up wizard in your main party of superheroes

I’m glad Banner got to hug the shit outta Tony though

I really like this spider-man! I haven’t seen his movie yet but he has the goofy wisecracking that I loved about the comics as a kid DOWN

IRON MAN SPIDER SUIT?

why does tony stark have a samsung POS for a phone

and the Guardians show up and the mood immediately lightens; I am SO GRATEFUL TO THEM AND OH MAN MANTIS IS HERE I LOVE HER

HI THOR

your last movie was way better than this one

drax has the hugest boner for thor and I do not blame him but I would understand it a little more if he still had his luscious hair

THE FAMILY FUCK UPPERY COMPETITION I THOUGHT THAT WAS A TUMBLR JOKE

“all words are made up”ilu thor

okay who tf is this now in the fancy apartment with a glowy thing in his head am I supposed to know this????? THAT’S FUCKING VISION???????

also is that scarlet witch with him? I should probably point out that I watched Civil War once and I did not pay much attention because it was annoying the shit out of me

yep that’s scarlet witch here come her glowy things

designated girl fight time ughhhh

oH MY GOD STEVE ROGERS SHAVE THAT BEARD OFF RIGHT NOW nat what did you do to your hair did the director decide there could only be one ginger woman

oh I’m glad they got an excuse to reuse those awesome monster designs from the first Avengers flick in this flashback with baby Gamora

okay though I know they probably did it to make him look more like the comics but I cannot take Thanos seriously with that fucking CHIN he is committing hideous atrocities and now I am just annoyed and my immersion is broken

it is so obvious Gamora knows where the last stone is that I genuinely hope the secret is actually something else

...drax. why. stop eating. mantis you have saved me from that terrible joke I love you.

at this point it’s making me genuinely sad that I’ve been spoilered about the dust thing. like. I know he’s gonna get everything? I know he’s gonna ~win~ and oh my god drax fucking stop

THANK YOU MANTIS YOU HAVE RESCUED ME THIS DAY

FUCK YEAH GAMORA ABUSIVE DAD STABBING

oh jesus the blocks of clay/strips of paper effect is freaky as shit

jesus jesus this whole scene is freaking the shit out of me god ugh why there is no genuine point to dragging this scene out it’s just Suffering there are times in my life where I would be okay with it but Ugh

it genuinely took me a few seconds of Weird Romantic Music for me to remember they paired nat and bruce off in that one movie that was some weird shit can we just move on

YOOO IT’S WAKANDA TIME

...that was disappointingly brief

okay there is way too much torture in this movie. that’s the issue. physical emotional et cetera too much torture

I love spider-man though he’s a good boy

strange and tony are both the exact kind of arrogant asshole that you’re supposed to identify with but instead just annoys the shit out of me and spider-man is this scene’s only saving grace 

okay this new philosophy for Thanos since they can’t have him being in love with Death bc that would lead to Deadpool issues... it’s very... Kyuubey.

FUCK NO NEBULA SHIT BABY I LOVE HER AND THIS IS BULLSHIT I’M SO MAD JESUS THIS WHOLE FILM IS ABOUT TORTURE AND I HATE ITjesus jesus nope nope stop nope this is bullshit fuck

thor speaks groot and I am relieved but I miss movies where the default was thor speaking groot and there were only occasional dips into misery

why is thor trying to get a new hammer there was a whole deal in his last film about how he doesn’t need the hammer AND A ROBOT EYE? so they’re just gonna tear apart all the symbols of his character development? whyyyyyyyyy

groot put down your fucking ds

...is that peter dinklage as a giant I kind of love that

I’m glad Nebula pulled herself together I love herrrrrrr

they’re on a planet called Titan!! GAAANEYMEDE AND TITAN, YESSIR I’VE BEEN AROUUUUND... BUT THERE AIN’T NO PLACE IN THE WHOLE OF SPAAAAAACE... LIKE THAT GOOD OLD TITAN TOWN

“you’ll have to restart the forge... awaken the heart of a dying star” okay so it’s a side quest

mantis is bouncing around I love her

did Peter just adopt Peter as an uncle

...is that red fucking skull? like from hydra? why is there a nazi in space

the stone demands a sacrifice UGHHHHH this is DUMB this movie has no idea what genre it is so it’s just taking the superficial cliches from every one it finds

ughhHHHHHH and it’s gonna count her as ~someone he loves~ even though he’s just been a dickwad fucker who’s tortured her her whole life THAT ISN’T LOVE ASSHOLES ughhhhh fucking shit also attempted suicide on screen definitely did not make my night any better fuck this fuck this fuck this movie with a bread knife STOP HAVING DRAMATIC SHOTS OF HIM CRYING THIS IS BULLSHIT.

oh and now he’s floating in the void. on a cloud. in a pond. great. I don’t care.

wait all that and it’s not even the big stone for the back of the hand???? it’s a lil knuckle one???

rhodey just pranked the shit out of bruce and the mood whiplash is killing me

I fucking love shuri okay every second we are in wakanda is a gift and a relief from the rest of the movie

...explosions. of course.

“and get this man a shield” FUCK YES

I would like to interrupt this to point out that my cat is a perfect loaf on the floor and I love him

...suddenly there are monster hordes? where did they even come from? I mean out of the ships obviously but this is fucking stupid

oh my god all the wakandans with their badass ranged spear technology and then bucky is just standing there with a fucking gatling gun

black panther is a badass and I appreciate action sequences when they’re well done but this is not tied together enough for me to be invested I guess?

okay but there is legit zero explanation for why thor isn’t dying in the heat of the star? like. he just Decided Not To Die??? like. I would be fine if he was like “I have expanded my powers since I moved past my hammer, I think I can take it” or whatever but they just decided to have him be like “IT’LL ONLY KILL ME IF I DIE” which is just. dumb. 

ohhhh so they’re resurrecting him with the axe. which is not a thing we ever said the axe could do. okay. okay sure. sure. fine.

groot handle is badass but there’s been so much torture and self harm in this movie that having him whack his own arm off just is not fun even if he regrew it immediately

I’m glad thor is glowing again though.

ughhhhh thanos’s philosophy is so dumb I’m so done with hearing it YES DROP THE BUILDING LAPIS LAZULI THIS SHIT awwww he just got back up again I mean I guess BD did too DID DRAX JUST FUCKING HAMSTRING HIM

don’t you dare call him an insect arachnids aren’t insects ya purple dingus

NEBULAAAAAAAAAAA

they look like they’re gonna succeed but it’s too early in the movie and I want them to succeed right now so this movie will be over but also bc whatever they do to get him out of this will feel dumb

“he is in anguish” I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

DO NOT ENGAGE DO NOT ENGAGE SHIT

ughhhhHHHHHHH. GAMORA WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED YOU TO FUCK OVER THE OPERATION LIKE THIS. GODDAMNIT.

...any tree can drop an apple, he’s gonna drop the freakin’ moon?

BUCKY SPINNING WITH ROCKET IS HILARIOUS I LOVE IT also thor and cap’s moment of banter see THAT is what I like about these movies when they’re done well

scarlet witch is OP as fuck and I love her

designated girl fight x4????? we can mix it up a little okay????

bruce arguing with hulk is somehow relatable???

I love spidey’s robo legs tbh they’re super fun HE CAN’T REMEMBER NAMES FUCKIN RELATABLE

okay yes I still love having a wizard in the party I just wish it wasn’t THIS guy

did you just fucking stab tony that’s bullshit

“spare his life and I will give you the stone” WHY THAT IS A SHITTY DEAL TO MAKE HE’S ALREADY DYING ANYWAY this is a trick, right?

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

vision’s thanos-sense is tingling and I wanna go to bed like screw this

put some fucking sleeves on you big grape flavoured asshole

do we even know why Wanda’s energy is the only one that can destroy the stone? Was that explained and I missed it?

YO SHE BROKE THE THING

“I understand, my child... better than anyone” NO YOU DON’T ASSHOLE YOU KILLED THE PERSON YOU’VE BEEN MANIPULATING AND HARMING HER WHOLE FUCKING LIFE FUCK YOU

...he just undid it with the time powers THAT’S CHEAP AS FUCK ughhhhhhhhh also he just put that narrow oval gem into a nearly circular and much larger setting so fuck that

FUCK YEA THOR ugh this isn’t gonna stick is it ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

is that baby gamora UGHHHH “what did it cost?” “everything” I DON’T BELIEVE ANYTHING FAUX-SENTIMENTAL YOU SAY

and it’s time for the dusties. I got spoiled this happened but I don’t know who all it happened to

fuck this though

genuinely so pissed STOP TAKING THE BEST ONES NO NOT SPIDEY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCJ YOU FUCL UOI

fuck this entire fucking movie

ughhhhh and I really like the actor who plays Thanos he’s awesome in everything else I’ve seen him in but this entire movie was like. there was no point? they shoved so many people into one place that there were just sidequests instead of a plot. I want to go to bed tbh. Maybe I will be able to articulate my irritation later but UGHHHH.