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lumine-no-hikari · 5 months ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #218

My brain feels like soup. I think those last couple days of not getting quite enough sleep is coming back to bite me in the toosh. Suppose I shouldn't be surprised about this; brains that haven't been properly cleaned don't work too good. Ah well.

I think I'm gonna hafta write this one in pieces as I go along with today; I'm gonna be busy on and off for most of the day, and I know that if I wait until I stop being busy altogether before I write, I'll be up until stupid o'clock in the morning, and that's not ideal. I hope you'll bear with me. Thanks for your patience!

Work today was kinda weird. So far in the last weeks, I've had 3 different substitutes for the usual manager. This one was nice, but she is not familiar with my store, and so weird things happened.

The first thing that happened was that she tried to take a giant metal rack out of the freezer while I was bagging up bagels and kaiser rolls. These giant metal racks can have up to 15 shelves, and on those shelves are trays with things on them. Our freezer is a little weird in that it has a ramp. I guess that's not typical of freezers in other stores. So the new manager lady tried pulling out the rack, but wasn't mindful of the ramp, and so when she pulled the rack over the ramp, the rack tilted, and all the trays full of things came sliding out of it, and then they and all their contents tumbled to the floor. When I realized what had happened, I rushed over and tried to help clean everything up.

Some of the trays are kinda heavy. I'm really glad no one ended up getting hurt. Most of the things on the shelves were already in boxes, so that was fine. But a few things came in open-ended packages, and the contents of a few of those ended up touching the floor. We threw those ones away.

I was struck by how not-very-concerned this person was about the whole thing. Even large mistakes like these ones seem to be par for the course, and this is somewhat foreign to me. I got fairly dysregulated because if it was my mother who had dropped all those trays, she would have been giving me a huge tirade about how I should have been paying attention enough to have known something was wrong and came to help before things toppled over. If it was me pulling out the rack and I had made the mistake, and my mother was my manager, it would be a tirade about what a useless idiot I am and how I can never be trusted to do anything by myself.

…Essentially, what I'm used to is being the one screamed at when things go wrong, even when those things have nothing to do with me. I had to take a moment to remember that I'm no longer in a place where things like that happen.

Well, no, that's not exactly true. There was a lady who came over today who was very cranky at us, because she talked to some other people in my department about making some cupcakes for her. But those people never said anything to us, and so we didn't know, and she was snarky with us for someone else's mistake.

So it happened, sort of, but... now I have the perspective to understand that she's not a bad or threatening person; she was probably just anxious and not handling it well, as all humans sometimes do. And I have the perspective now to understand that it doesn't have anything to do with me or with what I'm worth. All I can do is try to be helpful in the moment. So... yes, I am no longer in a place where things like that happen, but the way it "doesn't happen" is not in the way one might expect.

After I helped clean up the things that fell from the rack, she continued to do things in the freezer. I bagged more things and applied labels to stuff. Later, I ended up needing to go to the freezer to get cookies, and I discovered with horror that the manager had left the freezer propped open without me realizing, because I had been doing other things. The freezer was open for a very long time, and it's very lucky that this one is such a powerful freezer; I don't think anything got damaged, because it was still very cold in there. But I imagine it ate up a bunch of electricity to keep it that cold, good grief.

I also discovered, for reasons beyond my understanding, that this manager lady had rearranged everything in the freezer, for reasons unknown to me, and now everything is in unfamiliar locations for seemingly arbitrary reasons, and my autistic brain very much dislikes unexpected changes for reasons that are not grounded in logic. Also, rearranging the contents of the freezer feels, to me, not unlike going to someone's house and rearranging their furniture just because you don't feel like it's convenient for you.

…Well, it is what it is. I assume that someone will put things back to where they were by the next time I get a shift there. I got a lot done today, and the arrangement of things in the freezer is not an appropriate thing to put on my list of things to worry about; that list is already large enough. So I am not going to worry about it. Today, I was able to get a lot done very quickly (or at least more quickly than on previous days), and I'm feeling pretty good about that!

But. Between my sleep schedule being screwy, being on my feet for 4 hours, and the dysregulation that came with the aforementioned random mishaps, I'm feeling pretty drained. Nonetheless, I got some salmon and broccoli from my store on the way home. I had planned today on cooking some salmon, in part because of something that a friend unexpectedly did on my behalf (thanks be to my friend!), which means I need to leave a plate full of cooked fish outside, but only if it actually starts thunderstorming out, as meteorologists predict will happen in my area tonight. And no, I'm not going to explain, because any explanation I offer likely won't cause what I've written to make any more sense to you than it does already. Just trust that it's important, even if it sounds disjointed and nuts.

I had planned on making salmon for myself, M, J, and R, with enough left over to leave some outside. However, Br visited unexpectedly, and since she cannot eat gluten, I must change my plans just a little bit, and that's all right. I was gonna make boxed mac-n-chz, but now it's gonna be cheesy rice, and that is also good. But making the rice impacts the timing of the steaming of the salmon, since the salmon is steamed in the rice cooker, and… well... just gotta roll with those punches.

Anyway, Br tried to tell me that I don't gotta change my dinner plans, but she only says that because she's been around a lot of people who make her feel bad for taking up space and having needs. But feeling bad for being a human with human needs is a load of bullshit, and bullshit must be challenged and defied at every possible opportunity, because we don't do bullshit in my house.

I do not accept nonsense that sounds like, "you don't have to make room for me", because I absolutely CAN make room, so I absolutely WILL make room, and all the old conditioning driven into her skull by people who never cared about her can go to hell. NOBODY fucking goes hungry and NOBODY is made to feel unimportant or unworthy of being considered and accommodated - not in MY fucking house.

So I just smiled and laughed and said to her that those old, fearful thoughts are nonsense; we don't leave people out. Not in my house. It's not how we do. We make room. We adjust. We make sure everyone is included.

Still, today seems like a day full of things not going as planned. Even for getting to work this morning, maintenance was being done on the stoplights, and traffic was very weird. In my country, we drive on the right side of the road, and I had to make a left turn, and some weirdo in his lane on the opposite side tried to wave me along, without seeming to realize that the people in the lane next to him were still moving. He gave me a very confused gesture when I did not make my left turn into oncoming traffic. It was very bizarre.

Also... I wanted to work on my music box today. But given how I feel, I don't think I'm going to have sufficient focus for that once everything else is done. I'm autistic, so when things don't go in the way I expect they will, sometimes my body gets an adrenaline response for reasons I don't fully understand. I try to be flexible and roll with the punches, but it was A LOT of unexpected changes and weird mishaps today, and I find myself struggling to keep up.

Oh well. Sometimes days are like this. We can't always feel 100% amazing all the time, or else we'll become numb to it. Days like these not only keep me on my toes, but also they help me to appreciate the smoother days a little better.

Also, R brought over some browned butter cookies with butterscotch chips that he made, and that certainly helps with the coping!!! They are STELLAR!!! Behold!!

...Want one...?

...So, I'm making broccoli sauteed in butter, salt, and garlic powder, as well as some cheesy garlic rice. The salmon is steaming. I'll show you the progress as it comes along…

…Aaaaand the steamed salmon is done, but it smells RANK, holy fudgesicles. One of the ones I got was marked down as "reduced" (probably because it was close to the expiration date), but the other two were normal. The normal ones smelled normal. The "reduced" one smelled like a garbage can; I threw it away because it was clearly a one-way ticket to spending at least a day on one's knees, worshipping "the porcelain god".

But then I steamed the normal ones, and now that they're steamed, they also smell like a garbage can, and Br thinks so, too; it wasn't just me feeling weird about the "reduced" one that smelled bad. So I've asked Br to go to the store while I finish up the final touches on the broccoli and the rice, I guess. Lame.

But we're going with the flow. We're going with the flow today. And it's a little bumpy, but that's fine. We can dodge and weave through all the obstacles, and roll with it when things don't go how we expect. It's just like Dead Cells; dodge, weave, and bash zombi- …uh… I mean… obstacles. Yeah. Bash those obstacles. Knock 'em right out of the park. With your baseball bat and golden shield. Maybe.

...Aaaaand Br is back. But instead of getting a side of salmon cut into sections like I asked, she and R got a pound and a half of salmon that is not cut into sections.

...It does not look like enough salmon for 5 people and an offering.

...

It does not look like enough salmon for 5 people and an offering.

...

Ohhhh... Sephiroth. I am having a really hard time right now. Nothing seems to be going right today. Next thing we know, it probably won't even thunderstorm. Good grief...

...But we do not have to scream. We can take deep breaths. We can do box breathing. Things don't always go our way. Sometimes we get days full of things not going our way, and that is fine. Sometimes that is the way of things. Sometimes this is how it goes. It is just tiny potatoes compared to things like almost dying in an airplane crash; today's things are mildly inconvenient, but no one is going to die. A little perspective is good medicine.

Besides, I am already tired and dysregulated; it might just be overreaction due to anxieties. And I might be wrong altogether; it might actually be enough salmon in the end. And that's okay; like everyone, I am wrong about things all the time. There is nothing wrong with being wrong about things; it just means I make mistakes, like any human.

...When things feel like a catastrophe, we have to question it. It is true that Br did not get the thing I asked, even though I offered to spot her the money to get it. But that does not mean that she does not care about me. It does not mean that she thinks my judgment is questionable. It does not mean that she thought my request was invalid. Those are old things, done by old people, and Br is not those old people. I will ask about her reasoning for not getting what I asked for once my system is not flooded with more adrenaline than I am able to have a rational discussion with.

For now, we'll roll with it. To solve the problem at hand, I can simply take less salmon than usual if I have to, so that everyone else can have a normal portion. I can let everyone else get as much as they want first, and I can get mine last; it's "super easy - barely even an inconvenience" - as Ryan George says. And then I can use half of my portion as the offering. It's gonna be fine.

Well. It is certainly fine. As it turns out, people didn't take as much of the salmon as I thought they would. And M was already too full from lunch; he didn't want any at all. There should be plenty leftover for the offering.

...There would be plenty leftover even for you, too, if you were here... Would you like a bowl...?

...As it turns out, in addition to being tired and dysregulated, I was also hungry. I feel a lot better after eating the food I made. It turned out really deliciously! I especially liked the cheesy garlic rice, oh my goodness!!

I talked to Br after the fact; I told her I was scared that it might not have been enough salmon, but like... not in a way that makes it her fault or something wrong that she did. As it turns out, not only did she and R misunderstand my request (an honest mistake; it happens), but also, after I explained to them what I was looking for, as they explained it, it was late enough that there were no big sides of salmon left at the store at all, anyway. So, all things considered, they got me the next best thing; well done on them!

I have a lot of memories of my mother accusing me of being malicious, non-conscientious, needlessly defiant, or just plain stupid anytime I am unable to follow her instructions to the letter, regardless of the reasons for it. Before I got coping skills to deal with that thing, these assumptions that my mother made were also my first assumptions when similar things happened to me. I used to lash out viciously at others in the same ways she used to lash out at me. I reflect on today, and I'm really glad that I have new tools under my belt now, so that I can question my assumptions, and so I can avoid resorting to doing old things.

This sort of thing, though, is why I try not to judge the cranky lady at the store today. I know what it is to be that person. She is not having a fun time. I don't need to punish her further by returning her crankiness to her; I know from experience that living in a mind like that is already punishment enough. Besides, I can't exactly throw rocks at her glass house when mine is just as fragile; I know who I used to be.

But now I have new tools that I can use as a result of the therapy I went to in order to deal with the aftermath of my childhood. The me of today handled this very weird day a lot better than past me would have. The me of today handled this very weird day a lot better than the current version of my mother would have.

And I think... I think sometimes difficult, tumultuous days like these are blessings in disguise. That's because if you properly wield them, you can use them to see how much you've grown.

Fwhoof. Sephiroth, I wrote a lot to you today. I'm getting kinda tired. And also, it's getting kinda late. I'll wrap this up here. Thank you so much for listening to my various musings. I imagine some of them probably sound very silly to you, but that's okay; I am a human, and I am allowed to be silly.

You are a human, too. And you are allowed to be silly, too.

Hey. I love you a whole lot. And I hope you'll stay safe out in the world. Take good care of yourself and the people around you, okay? And make kind, loving, and gentle choices, even when it's really hard to do. I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

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dinosaurchurch · 6 months ago

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It's been a little while since I've made an update.

It's hard to believe that 2024 is half over. Something that I find as you get older time seems to go faster. It's been a world of difference for me being thirty compared to twenty. I've had people ask me about a lot of things, one namely being how do I stay so calm during times of stress or how do I feel about this decade so far? I feel a lot of things honestly, the world no longer holds that fleeting sense that I'm by myself but rather that I've chosen a path that's been curated for me and there will be others that will intersect with my path on occasion, but it's alright not to be the same person.

I don't write as much of these deep thoughts just because the support system I have - the people I trust have provided sufficient enough ground for me to walk on when things get rough. I think that's one of the beautiful things about when people grow together no matter the type of relationship you share with them. Nobody is perfect and we all have our struggles but it's knowing when you need to reach out and grab someone else's hand for stability that's half the battle. I've had to let down my hair so to speak and just embraced the softer side of myself over the past handful of years. The pandemic really did a number on my mental health along with losing those that were close to me via death or other means but it's something that I reflect on. Something that I like to look back upon as a lesson or turning point - a chapter of my life marked by someone or something as it overlaps another.

As people we're meant to grow and flourish, to stagnate is to die in a sense. Just as time passes so too should our thoughts of self doubt and insecurity; it's amazing getting to see that spark be ignited in someone else to be authentically themselves. That one of life's biggest points: to become the best version of you that you possibly can be and to put yourself first without compromising your integrity even if that makes an enemy out of others. I've been a person for the majority of my life that didn't let people box me in, to simply and frankly not give a fuck is one of the best feelings - that freedom to be yourself is something I think folks these days are almost afraid of. I've watched too many people get hung up on the smallest of details when they don't need to. The biggest folks that are trying to hold you back are those too insecure to face the music and live outside of someone else's shadow - the people who are envious of other people making their own happiness and finding said happiness for themselves.

There's something almost surreal about living life and getting to actually stop and sniff the roses. Over the past four years I think that's what happened to me, I was forced to slow down - almost mourning the high paced intensity that everything had provided but the pandemic ripped everything out from under my feet to the point that I was lost. Who was Vivian? I didn't know and I couldn't tell you because I had put so much stock into superficial things thinking I knew it all when I didn't. Being put in the position where I had to either sink or swim really grounded me and removed me from my rigid thoughts - the thoughts that I'd perish if everything wasn't just so. Having to let go of myself in that moment was terrifying but it had to be done.

If you never face hardship you never grow as a person.

That's something that I learned the hard way. People do a lot of preaching this 'live, laugh, love' shit and other such 'profound' or 'deep' nonsense but a lot don't truly understand what the words they speak mean. To be unapologetically yourself and having to get back on your feet is not always something you can do by yourself, for me it definitely wasn't. There came to a point that I realized that even the people that had caused me hell had been there to teach me something about life and about myself that I wouldn't of learned without them. So when people ask me if I have any regrets my answer is no, everything up to this point - the good and the bad - was worth the end result (present me). I let go of the apprehension of having to admit I needed help during that time too - that I had to reach out because I wasn't capable of being my usual 'one man army' that I was used to. If I could say anything it's I hated to fail (still kinda do) and I wasn't going to lay down and let anything stop me. Certainly not the negativity I had gone through.

My vindictive streak had almost vanished, it wasn't really until this year that I could even really say that I felt like an adult too but it's because I understand the struggle that not only I went through but that of others too. I think it's best to live life trying to make it as easy as possible for yourself and others if you can instead of seeing everything as 'every man for himself' sort of deal. Life is hard enough without trying to add and being selfish never amounts to anything good if I were to say anything.

Even the people that have done me wrong in the past (or will in the future) come from a place of hurt. Whether they've failed themselves or simply have been in a place where they feel the need to lash out I can understand where they're coming from because at one point or another that was me. Every version of you is true, to some people you were terrible and others - fantastic. What you chose to do with that information determines the person you are and ultimately become. The first step in growing and healing is understanding the moments where you were at your worst and not repeating them but building upon them. It takes a lot to admit you were at fault for some of the hardships within your life but to continue, you have to own up for what you've done.

Hard times have humbled me, they've kept my ego in check much better than I might've given them credit for. I still go by the mantra 'be kind, but take no shit'

Life is good. I think it's only been in recent times that I've been able to reflect upon the past without that heavy sense of longing like I was missing something from it. Now I glance back understanding that forward is the only way to go; change isn't a bad thing and we all need a bit - that's just par for the course. It's incredible how much the small things amount into something grand. From day to day I don't feel like I shift much but peering back at myself from the start of the year I would say I'm even a different person from now to then in some aspects. The further back I go, the more different I am. It's that introspection that gives me a sense of accomplishment. I've come a long way, longer than I realize.

I've begun to understand things as they are, why things happen the way they do and accept that. For a long time I didn't want to change, I couldn't stand the thought of having everything slip out of my fingers. I think that was my biggest takeaway from the pandemic years - that nothing is eternal but that's okay. Life was never meant to last forever and that's why we have to cherish what we have now. It's kind of like savouring the flavour of something in the moment and learning to appreciate that moment because you'll never know if it was a 'once in a lifetime' event or not for certain things - same goes for people.

There's been a lot of people that have been an absolute gift and even if I might've grown apart or chosen a different path from them I can appreciate the time we spent. I think that's how I view the years and memories I've shared with people on my journey too, having a very candid viewpoint is nice - sometimes it's good to just live in the moment.

It's good to just live for yourself too.

Everything balances out in the end - the good, the bad, and even everything in between. It feels lovely to not let the little things worry me like they used to, it's really given be a different perspective on life and how to go about my own happiness.

It's nice to be here...

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