#going outside of my comfort zone with the colors here idk how to feel

[arctvros]

geto suguru, summer of 2006

[heymrspatel]

✨Weekly Tag Wednesday ✨

i was tagged by @jrooc @stocious @michellemisfit @thepupperino @doshiart @sgtmickeyslaughter @gallapiech @blue-disco-lights @mmmichyyy @lingy910y @pookiebearmick @gallawitchxx @energievie and @gardenerian thank you lovelies!

Name and A03 handle: julissa | heymrspatel

Current Location: on my couch, slowly melting into the cushions. i'm so tired.

Favorite picrew (don't have one? you can skip this or do this one)? these two for sure! i think they capture my vibe well lol one & two

What's one thing you want in a picrew? ah! well, since i often start them i have a list of things that i usually look for to make sure that they're inclusive. sometimes i forget to check for certain things and then i'm annoyed lmao.

but ideally: big selection of skin tones, undercuts, the option for tied hair, short haircuts, different types of hair textures and colors, facial hair, scars, and big big ups if there's an option to change face shapes! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

for me though: curly hair and big blushy (and fangs if available)

Favourite thing you’ve created (or seen created) for the fandom? oh this is hard. i'll say, fluffy art: "doesn't matter where we go man", spicy art: "i need you to touch me"

Why is it your favourite? fluffy: because i went crazy with the details. i love that it tells a story. i love the colors i used. i love that pane of them watching the sunset. i love hands - hand on thigh, hand kiss, hand under shirt.

spicy: so. much. skin. i love all the positions i put them in. i love how it's sensual and teasing but you can't really see any of the "action" haha. tongues and chain and bruising. i love hands - hand in mouth, hand on neck, hand in hair.

Did it come easily or was it hard to create? HARD! lmao everything i make is hard to me. some things come easier now, but i really do drag my limp body all the way to the end.

Last ao3 fic you commented on? "keep you by my side" by biblionerd07!

Biggest WIP heartache you’ve ever experienced? ...things beyond mistake. i'm glad most of us are on the same painful page.

Favorite trope or head cannon you like included in a fanfic? i love friends/fwb to lovers and slice of life and outsider povs! also, only one bed or when they get stuck somewhere alone. ooooooh and i LOVE a good texting fic!

Least favourite? eeeh very iffy on the kid fics, depends on the writer. or mpreg. or big deaths.

Secret or surprising kink or trope? idk that anything's a secret? i'm out here giving you guys full visuals during kinktober...

Describe how you feel after you’ve created something new? ah- very vulnerable. accomplished but nervous. i literally post and run away.

Top hype man you have that always helps you get across the finish line: i usually keep whatever i'm working on under wraps for no reason other than i'm self conscious! but @whatthebodygraspsnot always cheers me on and is the most supportive and sends me the most eloquent keyboard smashes to keep a girl going!

It's been a bad day, you turn to the fandom and you _____? scroll through tumblr and, when my brain is cooperating on reading (it hasn't been), turn to my comfort fics!

i'm skipping the tag cause i'm late and i'm feeling weird! but i hope everyone's having a nice night/day/time zone!! 💙

[ca-suffit]

(ask is from a few days ago)

"Please keep this anon if you decide to post as this is more of a rant, but yet another fan (they’re a journalist as well but mostly a fan) was rewarded with a “random” opportunity to become a writer’s assistant for season 3 today. Idk much about them beyond fandom saying they’re trans and they’re a Devil’s Minion shipper/Daniel stan, so here we go again with yet another white person that’ll be allowed near Jacob and Delainey while giving zero fucks about them. But Naomi had to lose her podcast right? It’s all so tiring."

^^ those last tweets are deleted now, it seems (here's a post with the full thread from the time).

I looked into this person myself after getting this ask (my screenshots are below). It's someone who has talked about racial issues before (with DnD and that LotR show, I think??) but....never tweeted about it wrt IWTV, which is insane. Their article for the show that's mentioned in the tweets below also glosses over it in favor of focusing on queerness only. Their novel is about a white witch when it seems like it should prbly be an indigenous story?? I got the feeling this is someone who feels they're doing everything "right" wrt not being racist, but ends up not doing much at all bcuz they're too afraid to step outside a certain comfort zone about it and kinda feels like it's not their fight deep down. Their story about how they got hired too (under the cut) is also the most white privileged thing I've ever read. There's so many ppl in this fandom for the show to pick from if they want to include fandom ppl, yet most ppl picked / named are white ppl who are clueless about the majority of racial themes in the show or fans of color who align with white fandom ideals and won't rock the boat at all about racial things otherwise either. Like u said, we all know what happened with Naomi and the podcast by comparison.

idk. first impression anyway. looking forward to the anons I will get for posting this and calling me a bitch idiot for not being "nicer" and "ruining" fandom for ppl. whatever lol.

if this were me, I'd never have publicly announced this tbh. I get that it's a job account but idk how u can have a history interacting with the iwtv fandom and think this is gonna go well for u once u upgrade to getting a job. wouldn't fucking be me.

[briankang]

tagged by my favorite loves @chanstopher & @chanrizard to do my 2023 wrapped!!! it's time to link my favorite and most popular post from each month!! but first i'm sure everyone's done this but!!! @sweetyoungk, @chrizztophers, @dinoboos, @hyunpic, aaaaand @yonglixx!!!!

January

most popular: miroh u will always be famous

favorite: i really did love that i the text effect on this top 5 skz songs i was so proud lskdjglkds

March

most popular: parasocial relationship was kicking y'all's ASSES

favorite: it took me sooo long to do this 5th anniversary set but i did it all myself with no template idk how i'm gonna top next year's tbh

April

most popular: love me like this. love me like that. changbin i love u.

favorite: ok i'm cheating here but this subzero-esque 5-star trailer chan set & the pics i edited of young k's photoshoot from 1st look that i blacked out in the middle of making i think are equal in my heart those are my men!!

May

most popular: the han jisung lovers were HERE

favorite: i love elmo wearing felix to the moon and back

June

most popular: HUGE day on dowoonyoon dot tumblr dot com. seungmin and young k did this for ME

favorite: whatever the hell this video was. day6 should do another

July

most popular: you are all SO HORNY this is my biggest set of the YEAR

favorite: a tie between this odaiba day/stay day set & this dowoon set i color corrected to hell and back. i was super proud of both!!

August

most popular: i'm glad u guys liked this chan set as much as i did. i love the pinks.

favorite: to nobody's surprise. the letters with notes trailer.

September

most popular: i'm not gonna lie i popped off with this nothing but/ex parallel gifset i'm glad y'all agreed

favorite: guys did u know i really like that young k guy and liked his concert a lot

October

most popular: oh prince felix of niziu mv fame u are so famous

favorite: this was technically a flop but i spent so long doing this sungjin & young k set during the skz survival show w/ all the blurring. also they looked good.

November

most popular: minho's office moment with his phone tree is so...

favorite: i was gonna make this the 2min/young k dance but i decided it had to be this set of him and wonpil instead it brings me so much joy i missed them so bad

December

most popular: the chantuals LOVE to gif 24 to 25 chan (and we're RIGHT)

favorite: ok i only made like 3 sets this entire month lksdjglks so i'm putting both young k sets here because i was proud of how this stage came out and we all know i hate doing stages but also i LOVEEE the bday set i did for him this year

i feel like i really improved in doing new techniques and color grading and getting outside of my comfort zone this year!! i was really proud of a lot of these. i also dont know why i just didnt gif in feb. what was going on. anyways this was soooo fun i love looking back. you can see the immediate my day descent so quickly which i find insanely funny. happy new year hehe

[scum-lord]

Alright I'm finally doing this. I joined this app a few months ago with the hopes of finding a community or an rp parter/s to engage some time into. Though eager, I found myself intimidated by this platform bright and colorful settings and people. In turn I walked away from it, to afraid to even dip my toes. After a little and I mean a very little bit of "familiarizing" myself with the platform I decided the best way to go about this was to throw myself head first.

I am an 18 year old female that enjoys a vast amount of different kinds of rp and experiences. My main platform I used for rp was Amino, when it was in its prime. My accout was removed about a year and change ago for reasons still unknown to me. I have not been able to find any ways to formally interact or engage with others who share a similar rp interest as myself. I'm here to turn a new page in my narrative and put myself out there.

I am a litterate rp person (idk if there's a proper term or not) I enjoy writing long paragraphs, developing story, worldbuilding and relationships I am not the most experienced, I've done rp related mumbojumbo for 4+ years but am typically slow on the new aspects that pop up with rp topics. I want to learn to experience and have fun. Rps I am most fond of are romance, fantasy, medieval, westerns, midcentury, modern, even a little scifi from here and there. I am always open to something new and love to be pushed outside my comfort zone. I had many character that are lost now that I no longer have access to Amino. I live to make characters and can and will make new oc to fit new stories and plots.

I'm really looking forward to connecting and learning about tumber and how best to navigate it. Dont ever feel shy to ask me for an rp regardless of literacy or topic.

[hotspringfairy]

Lately I've felt like giving up, giving in, and just letting myself gain back all the weight I've lost. It doesn't feel worth the effort.

So this is part of a series of posts to motivate myself to keep going! Each post I'll go over one way my life has improved since I've lost weight. I maintained a 50lb loss for 1 year, and then gained 10-15 pounds since moving in October. I'm focusing on losing those pounds, and then another 50 (from 250lbs- 150lbs).

Improvement #6: clothes!

This is one of my favorites. After I lost 50 pounds, I pretty much had to buy new clothes. I was wearing size 22-24, now 16. I was hesitant to spend too much on new clothes because I planned on losing more, but I purchased quite a few items I like a lot and have been wearing them for over a year now.

I've honestly been surprised at how great having clothes you like feels! Most of my life I've worn hand-me-downs and anything that fit- plus size clothing was hard to come by. My parents didn't buy me many nice clothes, especially in high school they'd only get me "work clothes" (I was homeschooled and worked for my parents). My aunt would buy me a dress here and there because I never had anything to wear to church. It was always so hard to find things that fit, it was never about what I liked.

Now I have my first job where I wear my own clothes. I thrift shop a lot, and recently have been obsessed with buying things from Torrid and Poshmark. I've also realized that wearing dresses to a desk job is pretty much the bee's knees. I was very uncomfortable wearing dresses at first, but I felt so pretty and they're so comfy I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and now I love wearing them. Some recent acquisitions:

For the first time, I'm actually wearing things I like and not just whatever I can get my hands on that kinda fits. I also have work clothes and after-work clothes which feels nice.

I cannot believe that the way I'm dressed can affect me so much. People treat me differently, they're looking, smiling, talking to me, holding doors open. When I'm wearing something I like, it makes me want to see people more and be out in public more (I'm rather introverted, shy, anxious, and even a little agoraphobic so this helps me a LOT). When I'm feeling confident I always get compliments- people can see it when I feel good.

Lately, whenever I'm feeling schlumpy I try to dress in something I like. Or if I'm feeling down I'll still wear a bright color. It can help.

Losing weight encouraged me to revamp my wardrobe, but it's also made wearing clothes better. For me, clothes just fit better when I'm under 200 lbs. Things sit more comfortably, fit where they're suppose to, hang better, idk everything just falls into place better. Even with just the 10 lbs. I gained recently, my back rolls are sticking out of my clothes again- which I hate, waistbands just aren't as comfortable even if I'm wearing a size up, other little things. Clothes are just more comfortable now that I've lost some weight.

Here's a shirt I bought at a great price hoping it would fit one day, and now I wear it all the time!

I also bought a Bayside band shirt from one of my favorite concerts ever in the biggest size available- it didn't fit at the time but I love wearing it now! I even get compliments on how nice it looks on me, and sometimes I get to talk to other Bayside fans. I love getting to wear it.

I'm still plus size (really looking forward to shopping for "normal" clothes anywhere I want), but I can get things in my size now. At 250 lbs. it was like I needed a specialty order. I only had 2 work shirts that barely fit when I got that big, and I only had them because a fellow large co-worker gave me her old ones. They didn't even keep my size in stock. Now I can at least fit in generic sizing and get a free t-shirt, ya know?

I love my new clothes, and it's a big motivation for me to lose more weight. I want to lose the 10 lbs. I've gained recently so that my new stuff fits perfectly again; and I'm looking forward to having more clothing options in the future. If losing 50 lbs. made me look better and feel more comfortable every single day, I can't wait to see what another 50 will feel like!

[kendrixtermina]

So this is roughly what was on the lecture tapes of the therapist guy

(for the heart types defer to previous writeups)

Type 5

Stuff was focussed more on the social hangups than anything else, but, that is the embarassing/ problematic part (& the big distinguishing factor vs 6)

Under the "barely picking up anything from ppl at all" layer is a "anticipating expectations/obligations" layer (might only rarely come to consciousess, but when it does it feels like feeling something come towards you). You avoid situations where you might be asked things/ look busy/ go away because on some level you feel you can't, or have no right to actually say no, or like its less important, which he argues is also a kind of displacement or projection of ones will / personal power

It’s astonishing how many of the ppl in the panel had a “tyrannical rageaholic control freak father” backstory - & then either the mother was clingy, or you couldn’t say no/ be mad at her because she’s your 1 non crazy parent. That doesn’t foster connectedness either if she’s so obviously incompetent. I guess if you get a sorty quiet kid that liked to play by themselves & you really want them to need therapy someday, be a rageaholic control freak... this also stops many an integration of 8 qualities with the “what if i become just like him” question

You generally hear about the "overcompensating for porous barriers" aspect as a theoretical explanation but in this guy's observation it can apparently come out directly as well as agreeing to too much stuff or making too many comitments, might've seen it conceptualized also as the 'overextension' that comes with the line to 7

Mini freakout or disproportionate stress about having to ask things of ppl, overestimating their reactions to it (this can be colorful, moving imaginations) - I'd always chalked this up to more biographical reasons than anything type related...

Lenghty 'freeze' states if/after some confrontation actually occurs, especially in w4 specimens. Apparently it is not unsual for those to be “whiners”/complainers and here I thought my emo posts were special

w6 are more detail oriented/ able to absorb a lot of facts (hint of 6 like logistic intelligence) 

not every 6 wing is of the rigid sort, you could well get the anti authoritarian or the friendly 6 on this

Type 6

IDK why he didn’t put this in the book but since I got a 6w5 commenter saying their “worst case scenario imaginations” were more auditory than visual... that seems to be typical actually, its the w7s that are more visual

also w7 would tend more towards placating ppl or getting prissy in stress while the w5 peeps would get paranoid or try to outthink/outstrategize/ outfox real or perceived oponents

Another common thought process is just “what if this happens”... 

The strongly/almost enclusively counterphobic types might be more in tune with kinestherics than emotions & hence not be aware of that much fear

fear/weakness as a control mechanism - provoking the confrontation to know when it coming, or freaking yourself out with scenarios because then at least its under your control - or just saying how all the options except for your fave one will go wrong / are outside your comfort zone

causes for negative emotions are looked for in the outside world - besides the common fear or jealousy examples this could be seeing ppl an angrier when you are angry

One panelist asked the common cp 6 vs 8 question. The answer this guy gave was twofold a) cp 6 still has a ‘victim’ self image - not as in “bohoo poor me im a victim” but as in talking about what others want to / are going to do to them, how others are after them etc. A dysfuctional 8 tends towards invulnerability illusions instead. Also since the 6 is posturing for defense, there can be a sudden “attack of common sense” before the actual confrontation causing them to back down or act reasonable before sparks can fly - the dysfunctional 8 is more likely to get genuinely self-destructive & fite you to the death. 

“success phobia” can be a way to say no to other’s expectations

also the author finally mentioned his own type and its 6. 

Type 7

It’s  not as obvious as with the other 2 but the 7s do have a concept of “forces out there” that want to restrict you - boring ideas of work marriage etc. 

(seconded per my own observations - you should hear a 7 go off about defeatists & pessimists. Germany as a 6w5-ish culture has a certain 7 shadow & counterculturals often go off about how “spontaneous and fun” in other countries)

if you want your baby 7 to need therapy one day, put them in a really dour environment full of negativity & trappedness, like ppl complaining about how bad their marriage is and so on... they will edit out the bad stuff even if mostly normal upbringings though. 

w6s can have sort of deliberately counterphobic bits to them too. sort of a hippie archetype. w8s can have this thing about piling up a lot of money & posessions as “revenge” for a poor early life

Sometimes they try to cheer others up or go into professions that do this because they’re really talking to their inner unacknowledged sadness

or as he calls it the “inner jail” that is being defended against - not just sadness but trappedness too

Type 8

Here they dwelled mostly on the tendency to carricaturize others & actually see them as more carricature-like - & of course you can squash a carricature with impunity without feeling bad

they can also just flat out say no/deny accusations tho & rationalize it on the fly then

there can be a rationalization of “i just wanna toughen them up” or “its just how the world works” but reactions to others can be colored by their relation to their own rejected inner sensitivity - either helping those ppl as standins or mocking/debasing them or misguided attempts at tough love etc. depending on what that particular 8s relation to their humanity is

this segment was a bit 1 sided imho if the book chapter comes out i hope itll be more detailed

Type 9

That was the best segment imho, it got really deep & kinda moving

9s are generally very tactile/physical in expressing feelings etc. Hug your 9s. 

as a corollary though when there’s a breakthrough experience it can be described as “everything looking clearer & sharper” (this goes for the other gut types to a lesser extent)

When doing spiritual/ self developement stuff ask yourself if you’re doing it because you believe in it or because others want you to improve otherwise it can happen that you just don’t get the inspo

which is often really de-motivating cause unhappy 9s sometimes have this fear of not finding anything on the inside causing them to not wanna look in the remaining places

Apparently when a 9 gets to the point of needing therapy the usual cause is a deep seated sense of hopelessness or “why try”, not thinking anything they do matters  & only trying to change or arcieve/ do anything cause others tell them to etc. apparently by now he tends check this possibility the moment he clocks a client as 9 & often thats exactly the prob

There wasn’t much on 1 that wasn’t already in the book. Except that the “ideal world/vision” is often visual, whereas the reframing - like making a case against wanting something they cant get or to “make up” for bad impulses etc. is usually more auditory. 

A general motif that showed up multiple times is ppl who haven’t integrated their lines (which really come from a form of enantiodromia) can sort of project those unacknowledged qualities in themselvesonto the world - maybe 6s see lazy sheeple & arrogant climbers everywhere or 5s see the world as full of annoying extroverts & yelling bossy folks etc. 

[urdemonmommy]

Hiiii mommy!

For the anon ask date thing

I'm MtF (she/her), but I'm thinking demigirl fits a bit better since sometimes I feel woman adjacent instead of being binary? But most of the time I feel comfortable being a woman.

32 rn, but Monday is my birthday!

Last time I checked, I was 6'3-ish

Idk how to really describe my eye color, but it's a blue-green color with a small gold ring around my pupils

My hair color is naturally really dark brown. It used to be lighter brown, but that was when I spent a lot more time outside.

My interests are kinda all over the place tbh. I really like creepy stories and also stuff like the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. But I also have a soft spot for romance stuff. Honestly, I can usually find something I like in most genres of movies/shows/games/books. I play a lot of games (right now I'm going through the Persona series, but before that it was Etrian Odyssey, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Destiny 2, etc).

Oh! I also love folklore and urban legends and a lot of stuff like that. And my cats are very important to me.

For an ideal date, though, I think grabbing snacks and drinks from somewhere and walking around a quiet park with a bunch of trees would be nice, and after go to a store to get stuff to make dinner, and go back to one of our places and I could cook and we could have dinner and watch movies or a show or just hang out. I like cooking and sharing it with people.

I'm not sure what else to put here. Maybe that I'm 420 friendly? But, um... Yeah. ☺️

I would honestly date you! Plus I’m a sucker for blue eyes 😅 but again, this would be another comfortable little relationship! A nice little smoke sesh and some yummy food? Sign me up

[justalokifanaccount]

Episode 2-Play by Play Reactions (Spoilers)

Ooooooh mysterious...

Oh so this variant can (at least briefly) cont people with a simple touch? No need for a scepter?

I NEED A HEROOO!

Oh this variant is taking that lady away? I wonder why

Miss Minutes is gonna move me to violence

Loki is me studying

Hahahahaha get her Loki!

Loki, leave Mobius’ magazines alone

Wow he got into the work force rather fast huh? Bit of a whiplash type scenario considering the end of episode one

No, YOU’RE a cosmic mistake! 😤 my boy looks hot regardless

Sooooo Loki is the most common variant? Why does this not surprise me?

Is... is he a football cup champion??? Omg 😂

Smart boy. Illusion projecting is different than duplication casting. Neato. LISTEN TO MY SMART BOY. RESPECT HIM.

Dude loves wheeling

Yea Loki. Work on getting to the time keepers. Overthrow the government.

Dude is smart with these questions.

Propaganda is INDEED exhausting so that’s fair

Fist hostage... maybe he’s (or she?) gonna use her as a body transfer like Loki in the comics with Sif?

Oh please let this be a genuine smart Loki moment and not just setting him up as a joke and embarrassment...

“Where there are wolf’s ears, wolf’s teeth are near.” Good to know basic mammalian anatomy is still applicable to Asgardian wolves...

Cmon Loki do something cool. Please. Please Loki. Please.

Preach my man, but please, do something cool. My anxiety that you’ll be turned into a joke is spiking.

Is he actually waiting outside or is Loki really just trying to mess with them and throw them off? Or is he just being too cocky for his own good and it’s gonna mess him up? Please please please don’t disappoint me. I have merch for this show already that I can’t return

Bargain baby, bar again. Do it.

Is he actually concerned for the time keepers orrrrrr

Dangit Mobius

Does... being reset... hurt?

Bye C-20 I guess... for now? We’ll see

Of course it’s a friggin theremin that’s playing

Mobius x Judge Renslayer? Oooooooh. Tsundere Renslayer.

Use a coaster my man

Oh her first name is Ravonna

Controversy is the best thing though

You can never understand this Loki. As soon as you begin to understand, he changes. He’s unpredictable.

“I know you have a soft spot for broken things.” Ah, so this entire fandom then?

“But Loki is an evil, lying scourge.” YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU WENCH!

“That is the part he plays in the sacred timeline.” Well you clearly haven’t been paying enough attention to the files then, hm? Here, let me redirect you to one of the many character analyses I’ve written. Now if you read here........

He doesn’t need to change. He’s already not evil

I don’t trust Renslayer or the time keepers... or Renslayer WITH the time keepers... I think she plays a bigger, antagonistic role than I thought.

You just TRY and delete him Mobius... just... TRY... I will find a way to break the fourth wall and no time keepers can keep you safe from the rage of a million fan girls. Nothing... we don’t need magic...

Omg Loki just sitting there in a chair outside the office like a kid while their parent is talking with the teacher about their “recent behavior”.

Cmon Loki, you don’t need to make excuses or impress him.

My poor boy is SOOO out of his zone.

Tbf mobius, you ASKED. You asked what makes him tick.

Hey hey hey, let’s not gaslight my boy...

The Loki is... uhhh something... gotta keep my hopes up. Trust in Tom Hiddleston...

Mobius showing his true colors...

Please Loki... be badass... not just a joke... please please please... PLEASE!

Mobius, play nice.

I hope this “superior” Loki thing, if it is a female, isn’t a desperate attempt at feminism pandering, chocking up her “superiority” to being female. Please give the characters real stories. Flesh them out.

Juice box time?

No?

More homework?

Bugger...

The sass is off the charts

Librarian lady gonna get killed

Oh boy

Pffffft—

I miss Casey.

Hey don’t ignore Loki. That’s rude.

Bell is the answer?

Poor Loki. Stop trying to fit in. You are best when you are genuinely yourself.

What’s to stop Loki from grabbing the other files?

Homework... I thought I escaped this when I graduated...

Whatcha seeing there?

Oh...

Bye bye Asgard...

Cmon... not more feels.

AGGHHHHHHHH

Please allow him confirmation of Thor’s survival and beating of Thanos!!! He needs that confirmation! He needs that reassurance.

Hear him out Mobius.

“He’s hiding in apocalypses.” Sooooo is that why they go to presumably Mount Vesuvius? I assume?

Mobius, let Loki have your salad.

Rip salad

CASEY

Casey’s juice box

Poor Casey and mobius salad...

Loki, your logic astounds me.

Well, pushing Hulk off of the bridge WOULD have an effect...

VESUVIUS HERE WE COME

He hasn’t really stabbed anyone in the back... except Thor... but not 50 times

Pompeii, here we come!

Ooooooh we gonna see Loki dance with a lady? 😏 get ittttt

Well, if you do cause a branch, can’t you just reset the timeline?

CAUSE SOME CHAOS MY LOVELY MAN

OMG IM HEARING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE SPEAK ITALIAN

I can die happy now

Loki... you look insane.

Uhhh run

Okay you’re good

Sleepy Loki

Let him sleep!

Soooo, I mean, technically, Loki’s actions would still cause the timeline to change, but said change wouldn’t have an impact on the future, just the current moment... so shouldn’t it still be detected by the TVA? At least as a little fleck?

Jet skis?

Omg I just snorted at Loki begrudgingly agreeing with Mobius that jet skis are awesome

Mobius offending my History Teachers for 50 minutes straight... that’s it. That’s the episode.

Mobius really in love with jet skis for some reason

We better get to see Mobius on a jet ski

Fighting for jet skis?

Lol mobius has a point about the magical Asgardians and Jötunns

Glorious purpose

Cmon Loki, destroy this man’s beliefs.

OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT

DO IT

TEAM UP AND THROW THE TIMELINE INTO CHAOS

How would you know what the time keepers are doing when you’ve never met them?

How can you meet in peace at the end of time with no chaos?

“You see, I know something children don’t. That no one bad is ever truly bad. And no one good is ever truly good.”

Mobius, don’t patronize my boy. Go jet skiing.

“I know.” Oh good, that point in the trailer was edited.

No candy on Asgard? Poor Loki.

May the best man win? Well that automatically means Loki.

Getting National Treasure vibes

Love you

Alabama will still exist in 2050? That’s disappointing.

Roxxcart.

Loki is very smart. Thank you show.

Renslayer, if you claim Mobius is your friend, trust him.

Kachow!

“For all time.” “Always.” TVA is definitely a cult.

Weapon?

WEAPON!

...weapon???

no weapon...

Meanie...

Are we gonna see what this Loki variant looks like?

I have a feeling this variant is gonna be the female, blonde (I’m so sorry, at the moment I forget her name) in those pictures we saw. Guessing because 1) she was wearing a Loki outfit. 2) her and tom Hiddleston were wet in that picture as if rained on 3) the scene when they enter Roxxcart occurs when it starts to rain due to the upcoming massive storm. So I’m placing all of my money on the table the Loki variant is Lady Loki. Blonde, for some reason. (Or maybe she just didn’t have a wig on in the picture of her we saw?)

Yea please don’t prune this Loki.

Storms a brewing

Good to know Alabama, at some point, does get destroyed. That’s comforting. (Btw this is a joke. I have nothing against Alabama lol. Idk why my brain thought this was funny lol.)

All wet and rainy.

HAHAHAHA USE THAT MAGIC BABY

LET MOBIUS STICK WITH LOKI

Ooh ooh! Is Loki gonna use powers to yoink the roomba here?

Uh oh. Forgot to take into consideration that most big businesses, especially stores, have security cameras, huh?

Times ticking...

Wait was that a reset charge?

Awkward silence

Spookyyyy

Poor dude lol

Or not

Hmmm

Oh???

I RECOGNIZE THAT MAGIC!!! ITS HER!!!

HUNTER (forget her number) IS THE LOKI VARIANT!!! When was she replaced? Or was she always the variant?

That or the other Loki is projecting herself into the hunter? Maybe used the shopping dude as a conduit?

Moment of realization

Smiling contest

No no, Tom Hiddleston’s Loki is superior. I don’t care who else tries to play Loki, Tom IS Loki.

Oh no

Baby crying?

These poor people...

No need to be rough

Is Mobius genuinely caring

Oh... poor C-20

Team up please? Please?

Ah so they really can just send themself into any body they wish, huh? Just by touch?

Loki, learn that trick please.

Sooo, is the other variant Loki’s body tangible? Do they project their conscience into other bodies via touch, or do they not have a corporeal body and rely on others to exist?

Doctor Who vibes

TEAM UP PLEASE

YES

Please

Please?

Offended by Loki name?

Haha sympathy for Thor

Go randy.

Soooo what are you interested in if not ruling the TVA?

Who’s that planting charges? The real body of the other variant Loki?

You okay C-20? (Off topic her actress reminds me of the actress who played Ava Star aka Ghost in Ant-Man and the Wasp) what is real and what about it is so mind capturing for you?

Oh no

Poor girl

Cmon B-15

Hello?

Reset charge

Oh? Bye bye?

HEY!

That’s rude

I miss Randy too

Cmon Loki fight like the badass I know you are

Please

HAHA! TELEKINESIS

Cartwheel WEEEEE

Oooh he swore

Lokis have a pattern of swearing only while taking other peoples forms

Cmon Loki. Go back to mobius. Help them. Prove your goodness. Please.

Poor trucker man

Hello?

Hello!

Fave reveal?

I KNEW IT

Oh????

Flashlights?

RUN!

Is this actually a Loki variant or just sylvie? Or Amora?

Uh oh...

What’s happening

Is she absolutely destroying the timeline?

Poor Doctor Strange. I wonder if he knows about the TVA?

Loki is all alone? Why is he standing still?

Where is she going?

Cmon Loki... help them please...

Loki...

CLIFF HANGER

NOOOOO I CANT WAIT ANOTHER WEEK AGHHHHHHHH

Are they gonna be okay?

How is the variant traveling?

What is her goal?

Why is Loki going after her?

Why is Loki leaning towards the apparent evil side?

Is this actually lady Loki or sylvie or amora since her hair is blonde?

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

So much just happened in so little time. It’s like Marvel wants to slowly spoon feed us with the first 3/4 of the episode and then in the last 1/4, they waterboard us.

Why is this female Loki variant so much more powerful?

So Loki DID know what was going on at the Renaissance fair and was intentionally stalling for her... why?

Her horned helmet is similar to the one kid(?) Loki wears in the comics. One horn broken. How did that happen? Why does she still wear it, especially if she doesn’t want to be called Loki?

No end credit scene yet.

[introvert-celeste]

saw ya post and got an instant idea! mayhaps if ya're alright with such an idea to write: vollyball owning a flourist shop after graduating from little homeworld, with maybe some pearl x volly or whoever you like shipping volly with the most. idk this was first thing that came to my mind lol.

So. I got this prompt over a year ago and I'm sorry I haven't responded to this until now, but it's done now! As usually, I tried entirely too hard on this one. I haven't written a ship fic in a long time so it was hard to get back into the zone, but I think it turned out alright. Fic under the cut!

Volley sighed contentedly, basking in the warm, early morning sun. Years ago—millennia, centuries, or even just a few years prior—she could have never guessed that she would find herself in a place like this, a space all her own, a place where she could exist and grow.

It was a modest building in the southeastern quadrant of Little Homeworld, only a few blocks from Tulip and Bluebell’s lovely little home near the center of town. Flowering vines crept along the pale pink walls, softening the appearance of the angular, notably gemlike architecture. An overflowing garden seemed to occupy every inch of space on the small property, almost overflowing with flowers and foliage of various shapes, sizes, and colors. Perched as she was on the second-floor balcony, Volley could see the country unfold before her, sloping gently toward the ocean. It was on a quiet street off the main road, but not so quiet that it became dull. Even now, as the clock tower struck 7 in the morning, there were gems of all kinds emerging from their own lovely little homes, continuing their own journeys.

Volley took a sip of her strawberry tea, feeling silly and sentimental and incredibly grateful. She closed her eye, relishing the moment, the air sweet with the smell of strawberries and a thousand flowers.

The distinct sound of metal against metal rang out in the distance, drawing her attention to the town square. From her vantage, she saw two figures sparring in the midst of a crowd of rapt onlookers, one holding a defensive stance as launched into the most graceful, flawless offense Volley had ever seen.

Well, perhaps that wasn’t entirely true; she’d watched Pearl’s technique plenty of times in past year, ever since she moved to Little Homeworld—they were routine at this point, regular demonstrations for Bismuth’s class—and yet every time was just as exciting as the first. Even now, from so far away, she was gripped by excitement, watching Pearl’s slight figure slashing, flipping, twirling, a combination of dance and combat that was entirely new, admirable, beautiful. Volley sighed dreamily, losing herself in the movements.

And then the flurry ended as soon as it began, as Pearl leapt high into the air and slashed downwards with one final, resounding clash, met with cheers from the gathered crowd. Not for the first time, Volley felt as if she were waking from an odd spell. She spared one last look at the scene below, noticing that Pearl had removed her jacket, her lithe, pale arms glowing sunlight as she showcased the sword—likely freshly forged—to the admiring onlookers.

The heat rose to her face; she quickly looked away, unsure of what to make of these new feelings. Or perhaps she had felt this before, long ago… She shook the thought from her head before it could fully form. She had a busy afternoon ahead of her, no use dwelling on silly ideas like these. Pearl was her friend, and that wouldn’t change. Besides, why would a gem as amazing as her be interested in someone like her.

“Good morning, Volley!”

Volley yelped in surprise, nearly toppling over the edge of the balcony. After a mad scramble, trying not to upset her teacup and the multitude of plant pots crowding the narrow space, she leaned over the railing to address the familiar voice below.

“Oh Pearl!” She cried in a flustered voice. “Good morning! Isn’t it such a lovely day? Simply breathtaking! That’s what the humans say, right? Come in and I’ll be down in a sec!”

She was not one to be easily embarrassed, but there was something about Pearl’s quizzical, mildly amused smirk that caught her completely off guard. Face burning, she hurried inside her apartment, out of sight.

Perhaps it was the fact that they’d hardly spent any time together outside of Little Homeschool in ages, always busy with their own projects, and now Pearl was there outside her door. Indeed, Volley looked around the cluttered room in dismay, all sorts of gaudy oddments and clusters upon clusters of flowers in half-finished arrangements lining every available surface. It was a hobby that was quickly—but not unpleasantly—consuming her idle hours, a hobby she was particularly proud of. Looking at the mess with fresh eyes, however, all she could feel was shame; she knew that Pearl wouldn’t approve.

“There’s no time,” she sighed helplessly, picking her way through the clutter.

There was one thing amid the mess that she was particularly excited to show her, even in her dismay. Gently, she scooped up a small, finished bouquet she’d completed in the early hours of the morning. It was when she felt the most inspired, or perhaps it was the only time of the day when she was particularly pensive. She’d been thinking quite a lot lately, more than she was comfortable with. Clutching the bouquet close to her chest, quelling her rising nerves, she made her way downstairs.

As her reputation as a top-notch gardener and florist spread throughout the colony, the downstairs room quickly transformed into a shop of sorts. An impressive array of arrangements sat clustered around the room, as well as a multitude of potted flowers and succulents too delicate for the outdoor elements. Gems and humans alike were free to stop by and take what they like in return for the little trinkets she so enjoyed, although their enjoyment was enough payment in itself. At this moment, however, she was relieved to find that no one else had wandered in that day, only Pearl, who looked about the room in appreciation.

“Oh Volley, I am so impressed!” she exclaimed. “You’ve really made this space your own. I’m sorry I didn’t visit sooner.”

“It’s nothing much, not much more than a hobby…” Volley shyly ducked away from the compliment in polite deference. “Certainly, compared to what you’ve accomplished. I saw your performance a moment ago and it was absolutely stellar, as always.”

There was a hint of concern behind Pearl’s eyes, as she cast her a gentle smile. “While I’m flattered by the compliment,” she replied, grasping Volley’s shoulders lightly, “my success doesn’t negate yours. I mean, just look at what you’ve done in a few short months!”

Volley blushed deeply, not expecting her sudden warmth. She hid behind her gift, thrusting it between them. “Um, this is for you,” she explained in a small voice. “I-I was going to give them to you later, but…well, now you’re here, so…” she trailed off, watching as Pearl inspected the gift closely; with interest or scrutiny, she couldn’t quite tell. “Um, I thought you might like lilies and hydrangeas, and I added some…some small roses here and there. I hope that’s okay.”

Pearl gazed at her in surprise. “Of course, Volley,” she assured her, casting another fond glance at the cluster of flowers and toying with the satin ribbon. “It’s a beautiful gift. Thank you.” Sensing her unease, she continued, “is everything alight?”

Volley began to speak, but she couldn’t find the words, couldn’t even begin to describe how she felt that the moment. Was she alright? She had everything she could possibly want and a life she had never expected, not in her wildest dreams, and yet it felt as if things were far more complicated than she was prepared for. In truth, she was terrified, which was not an unusual experience in the least for gems adjusting to the new freedoms of Era 3. Of what, however, she could not say.

All she could do was stand there, regarding this gem with whom she shared such a complicated relationship. She knew, without a doubt, that Pearl resented her, or had at first. She knew that she could be frustrating, that she wasn’t incredibly smart or neat or talented. She envied, admired Pearl’s confidence, bravado, and unabashed dominance. All the Pearls who met her wanted even an inkling of what she had, and Volley was no exception. She regarded her creation in Pearl’s capable hands and hated the shame the bubbled up in her, wishing beyond all else that she could boldly claim the pride she had felt of it hours ago.

“I just hope it isn’t too trivial,” she finally stated in a small voice, forcing back her shame. “I-I know it isn’t very impressive, but I’m trying to get better.” She could feel treacherous tears welling in her good eye. This was not how she had wanted this interaction to go at all.

Just then, she felt Pearl pull her into a tight, genuine hug. After a moment, Volley gave in to the embrace, burying her face into Pearl’s shoulder.

“Nonsense,” Pearl finally replied firmly. “I love everything you’ve done. I admire you, Volley.”

I love you. The thought flashed through her mind and caught in her mouth. “I admire you, too,” she revised, reluctantly pulling away from the embrace to smile at her. “I always have.”

[cattles-bians]

damie vibecca exes au part 8

post directory

obsetress: now i just want fanart of damvibecca at the gym

em: well. pitch it to me comrade ghostfucker

obsetress: idk that's about as far as i got i just reread that bit about vibecca in their matching gym outfits and my brain got stuck

em: hypothetically do u have a colour palette in mind bc i associate gym outfits w like. bright loud colours and

em: idk if it works w our earth sign queens

[em note: emily is a liar and did NOT draw fanart of damvibecca at the gym]

[em note 2: we have the gym art now [x] [x]]

obsetress: i was imagining like charcoals tbh, or jewel tones

obsetress: i could see them in like jewel tone purples or that jewel tone blue green color

obsetress: yeah viola jewel tones or blacks n charcoals

obsetress: becs pastels and camels but jewel tones at the gym

em: it’s about Matching

em: And Destroying Ur Ex (platonically)

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: viola's feeling particularly smug about it but then

obsetress: dani's in an old school tshirt and shorts and jamie's in............ one of dani's old school tshirts and shorts

em: YES

obsetress: not intentionally, she just grabbed whatever was there

obsetress: dani chirps "oh you two look so cute! baby look, they have a matched set"

obsetress: viola arches an eyebrow "and so do you, it seems" and dani laughs "not on purpose, jamie just grabbed whatever was on top in the drawer"

viola: you two... share... a wardrobe?

dani: yeah?

em: god cute

obsetress: cute n dumb

em: they can share nearly everything except pants

em: well. pants as a treat

em: haha pants

em: trousers

obsetress: also rly nice rly clean smooth funny juxtaposition in my brain of vibecca being the ones who intentionally match and damie the ones for whom it just accidentally happens

obsetress: hahahah pants

obsetress: they can share pants but................ should they

em: idk miss chapter 12 danis thighs jamies pyjamas

em: should they

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: that's exactly what i was referring to THANKS

obsetress: anyway

obsetress: rebecca just laughs

obsetress: viola huffs and bex is like "sorry, babe, but it is kind of funny"

em: dani jamie wearing like

obsetress: YEAH

obsetress: MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

em: poor viola

obsetress: thinking about dani's ass in those

em: yeah....

em: violas huffing until jamies exercise flush lasts a little Too Long

obsetress: big blush jamie taylor

em: she’s still like ‘oi dani close ur mouth’ but then she

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: just ogling each other

obsetress: (they briefly pause to ogle vi and rebecca passing a medicine ball back and forth as they do squats and have to acknowledge that, yeah, they've all done alright by themselves)

em: funny montage of the gang doing exercise while surreptitiously taking Peaks

obsetress: omg all i want

obsetress:sometimes having friends as a lesbian means they're all your exes except one, who's your gf, and you're all checking each other out always anyway

em

And That’s Beautiful

obsetress

obsetress: dani: checking out viola's biceps, rebecca's abs

viola: checking out dani's thighs n ass

rebecca: minding her business

jamie: scowling n scrawny

obsetress:(n also checking out dani's thighs n ass, viola's biceps, and begrudgingly peeking at rebecca's abs)

obsetress: every other woman at the gym: checking out jamie, trying to figure out the entire dynamic here

are they a polycule? what

em: jamie probably like

em: maybe she gets really into running bc she just checks out and listens to her audiobooks but like

em: slow twitch vs fast twitch fibers so stays scrawny

obsetress: i can see that

obsetress: just gets on the treadmill and zones tf out

em: jamie ‘why don’t i have biceps’ taylor vs jamie ‘no u gotta lift w ur hips’ taylor

obsetress: she hates it but her psych told her it'll be good for her routine so you know she was like yes ma'am every day ma'am

em: cant believe safe lifting procedures screwed her over

em: ‘yes ma’am every day ma’am’ ur just Going for it arent ya anshdjdh

obsetress: sorry but don't tell me you can't hear it

obsetress: jamie's the person who takes notes in therapy

obsetress: jamie, in the locker room after their workout: do my biceps look bigger?

dani, patiently, already knowing where this is going: bigger than what, baby?

jamie: than yesterday

dani: mm, rome wasn't built in a day, you know

jamie: do they look bigger at all?

dani: well

em: i mean not to perceive her too much but mattresses scene indicates AE/jamie like. at least some muscle in the leg area

em: poor jamie

em: not playing to her strengths

obsetress: yeah she does

obsetress: i mean ae has toned af arms

obsetress: she's just wiry

em: how could i forget the benchpressing dog gif

obsetress: dani's like "jamie, baby, come do squats with me and vi" "m'good" "baby, c'mon, you'll like it" "don't wanna do squats" "it could be good for you" "don't wanna do squats with you two"

em: dani: you gotta like. eat more

jamie: i eat plenty

dani: no u graze all day and then u don’t eat dinner

obsetress: dani: five biscuits spread out across a day doesn't count as eating more

em: dani: protein jamie it’s abt protein

obsetress: dani: you need more protein, which is why i think some lentils would really––

em: jamie thinks protein shakes are Nasty

obsetress: jamie does think protein shakes are nasty but dani will make her a smoothie and sneak it in like she's a child

obsetress: viola and rebecca, with their matching monogrammed blender bottles, just staring

obsetress: becca's like "jamie, just drink it, really, it's fine"

obsetress: viola just does this haughty sniff at her and that's what finally gets jamie to start

em: jamie can deal w being a brat but the idea of viola having Anything over her drives her Insane

em: Drives Her Fuckign Nuts

obsetress: she hates it

obsetress: just the absolute fuckin worst

em: do u think dani ever like

em: like they REALLY need to clear out storage but it’s a boiling frog situation where it’s increased so gradually that

em: like jamie thinks it’s Fine storage is Clear Enough

em: it’s Not

em: danis like. should we invite rebecca and vi over

em: just be Idea of A Snide Viola Comment fills jamie w a burning rage

obsetress: oh my god

obsetress: i'm obsessed with this

obsetress: i would read a whole oneshot about this

em: eventually dani comes clean abt it n jamie thinks it’s v funny bc yknow; open and honest communication is a v important part of their dynamic

em: jamie: next time just tell me my storage looks like shite dani or i will be grumbling abt viola for a Week

obsetress: inevitably

obsetress: when they do have to come over to clean

obsetress: dani offers them takeout and wine ("step up from pizza and beer at least," jamie grumbles) and viola's like "jesus, dani, let's just go out to dinner. my treat"

obsetress: at dinner, viola's like "if you want more storage, i have some wonderful properties––"

obsetress: rebecca's mouthing "sorry" from next to her across the table

em: every time they go out rebecca takes vi aside n is like ok sweetheart so you promise you’re not gonna try convince them to sell the apartment again

em: and violas like (mock horror) of course i won’t. ye of little faith

em: and every time

em: every time she does

em: she’s tryna HELP

obsetress: she would too she'd be like

obsetress: "i'm just trying to HELP"

obsetress: "they're our FRIENDS"

em: i’m on a mission to figure out like

em: this is way way down the line

em: but i wanna believe eventually viola and jamie start to, at the v least, Tolerate each other

em: jamie might even be fond of the crazy bird but she’ll NEVER admit it

obsetress: god like vi's on business or some shit in like

obsetress: the UAE

obsetress: negotiating some Deal

obsetress: and so dani and jamie get dinner with just bex and they're driving home after and having a perfectly mundane conversation and then jamie's just blurting like

obsetress: "i think i miss vi"

em: she’s HORRIFIED

em: she tries to play it off as like um

em: she’s Too Comfortable

em: things are Too Boring

em: which is weird knowing everything we know abt jamie

em: but actually she just... maybe misses viola

em: danis like god i wish i was recording this

obsetress: jamie's passed out next to her at home later (it's ten pm) and dani's chattering happily away on the phone with vi (drinking a martini in her dubai hotel room at one am since, y'know, no bars) in bed right next to her

obsetress: "jamie, uh, said she misses you. i know. no, i KNOW. don't tell her i told you. yeah, yeah, you win, vi, we know. uh-huh. uh-huh. i'm gonna pretend you didn't just ask me that"

em: CUTE

em: u can’t lord it over her vi it’s a little secret

em: vi's like when have i EVER

em: she does

obsetress: once they're good again, dani and vi absolutely just. lose time (there's a metaphor in there) talking to each other still

em: this is wholesome tbh

em: i really like the damie stories where like

em: look it’s nice when damie have each other but it’s also nice when they have their own friends and stuff

em: dunno how to articulate that well

em: it’s a balance! it’s a balance

obsetress: yeah! exactly

obsetress: because that's part of the love n possession thing too yk

obsetress: not to say either of them would ever be like "no friends for you" but

obsetress: wanting to have a life outside of your partner yk

obsetress: they're meeting vi and rebecca for dinner after vi gets back and vi's just grinning and sweeping jamie into a hug "i heard you missed me"

em: she gets jamie a souvenir t-shirt

em: it’s too big

em: OR

em: child’s t-shirt

obsetress: (jamie sleeps in it that night)

obsetress: oh childs might be better

obsetress: she's like "you're a little scrawny, so..."

em: jamie sleeps in it.... soft bitch

em: she feels too much

obsetress: jamie taylor softest bitch

obsetress: dani watches her pull it on and raises an eyebrow and jamie's just like "wot"

em: jamies like (grumbles) i knew she was comin back i’m just

em: shouldn’t you be HAPPY about this development dani

em: ‘s’a gift... s’rude not t’....’

obsetress: YEAH

obsetress: dani just grins "mmhm"

em: it accidentally makes its way into jamies workout clothes pile

obsetress: oh my GOD oh my god

obsetress: viola's shit eating GRIN when jamie shows up at the gym in it

em: jamies like fok

em: mental maths tryna figure if she wants to just. work out in a sports bra

em: she Doesn’t

obsetress: she Doesn't!

obsetress: (she's shy)

em: god it’s one of those shirts that’s like

em: someone who loves me went to UAE and got me this t-shirt or something

obsetress: dani corners her in their empty row in the locker room "you could've just taken it off, you know" "dunno, not everyone needs to... see that, you know?" "i'd certainly like to see it" jamie rolls her eyes but she's grinning "you can see that any time" "well maybe i wanted to see it during my workout" "dani......."

em: jamies embarrassed bc of her gnarly farmers tan means her tummy is at least five shades lighter than the rest of her

em: crisp tan lines

obsetress: god jamie's farmers tan

em: once again i am bringing my tan lines jamie agenda

obsetress: dani loves jamies dumb farmers tan so much

obsetress: she giggles

obsetress: but it's the most loving giggle possible

em: and then when she gets into running...

em: god when i was rowing there were a couple ppl w like what i called a neapolitan icecream tan which is

em: gimme a second

obsetress: jamie gets all huffy when dani giggles at her tan but then dani's like "baby, no, i think it's cute" and jamie gives her a look and dani grins mischievously and ducks her head

obsetress: and then she's licking and kissing and nipping her way along jamie's dumb tan lines

em: there it is

obsetress: it was inevitable

em: so caught up in the joy of jamies dumb farmer tans i forgot abt her gnarly scar she keeps under wraps

em: baby

em: the most baby

obsetress: baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

em: jamie decides the only way to claim the stupid t-shirt as hers is to cut off the sleeves

em: it’s abt the ritual of the thing

obsetress: she shows up at the gym wearing it and

obsetress: that's viola's "oh no she's hot" moment

em: YEAH BABY

obsetress: literally just like

obsetress: world stops

obsetress: viola stares

em: jamie finally gets to do an exercise that shows off her sinewy manual labor grip forearms

em: viola’s probably just as horrified to find jamie hot as every time jamies like oh no

em: violas hot

em: and once again jamie CANNOT know she’s hot bc she will be insufferable

em: she will be the Worst

obsetress: viola's tugging rebecca aside "why didn't you tell me jamie was hot" "what?" viola waves a hand and rebecca just furrows her brow a little and is like "that's just... what she looks like, vi"

obsetress: viola corners dani next "why didn't you tell me jamie was hot" "i did" "oh. right" viola pauses, then "why didn't you make sure i was listening?" dani just gives her a look and walks away

obsetress: dflksdjfldaj god the way jamie and viola are. the same

obsetress: kind of incredibly, in the same ways dani and rebecca are the same

em: “hey baby, did viola seem different today? seemed off”

em: jamies like. is she mad at me. did i break another social taboo.

em: rebecca ‘jamie looks like jamie’ jessel vs dani ‘my gf is so hot i can’t stand it’ clayton

obsetress: "i tell you how hot she is at least three times a week, vi"

em: danis tryna goad her into making the damn shirt a crop top

em: jamies like yeah but isn’t that a step too far. i feel like i am destroying this shirt too much

em: she does it anyway

em: so jamies workout clothes are danis endless grey baggy school t-shirts and this one ugly souvenir shirt that like

em: psychological warfare and she doesn’t even know it

obsetress: i would........ like to see it

obsetress: also crop top jamie is one of my favorite jamies

obsetress: she is severely underrated

em: crop top jamie is

obsetress: and we do not talk about her enough

em: jamie wear More crop tops

obsetress: viola and rebecca in bed, in matching facemasks, after going to the gym post-epiphany that Jamie Is Hot

obsetress: viola: are dani and jamie hotter than us?

rebecca: what?

obsetress: and like

obsetress: viola is NOT insecure

obsetress: she is constantly confident that she's the most attractive woman in the room at any given moment, but

obsetress: she's just so staggered by this realization

em: some neutral third party (ms grose and mr sharma probably) are like well. u guys definitely have a little more of a scary thing going on

em: i’m imagining rebecca and viola at brunch w hannah and owen v seriously discussing this

em: viola brings it up and rebecca GROANS but then she gets invested in the convo

obsetress: GOD yeah

obsetress: she's leaning forward and gesturing with her fork "when you say 'scary'..........."

em: owens like scary is a compliment

em: hannah grose sips her tea knowingly

obsetress: rebecca just narrows her eyes at hannah grose and hannah raises her eyebrows and shrugs

em: after a week or so viola bursts into a room w stupid big sunglasses and a tray of take out coffees and she’s like Don’t You Worry Jamie I Have Concluded You’re Hot But I’m Not Threatened By It

em: jamies like sorry WHAT

em: you’ve been thinking about WHAT

em: viola leaves without ever following it up

obsetress: dani is entirely unfazed

obsetress: doesn't even blink

em: danis like neat she remembered the oat milk

em: everyone in this au is insane

obsetress: any lesbian in 2021 is insane

obsetress: par for the course

em: was gonna protest but

em: Yeah

obsetress: this lesbian meme account i follow on insta is doing “stop asking who’s the top and who’s the bottom. start asking...” posts

obsetress: and one of them is “start asking who’s baby and who’s fuck around and find out” and it just makes me chuckle

obsetress: jamie taylor baby

obsetress: viola lloyd also baby

em: dani is baby passing and jamie is fuck around faking

obsetress: oh my god that’s why that’s why i think we cracked it

obsetress: dani (fuck around) dated jamie (baby) and vi (baby)

obsetress: rebecca (fuck around) dated jamie (baby) and vi (baby)

obsetress: the reason they could never cross further even tho per the transitive property dani (so similar to vi) should be able to date beccs and jamie (so similar to beccs) should be able to date vi is because

obsetress: you can’t have two babies and two fuck arounds in a relationship together

em: oh of course. i see. i see

em: however in the rare rare crack ship of the ‘jamie viola hatefuck’ a similar phenomenon to ‘social anxiety mum friend ordering food’ instinct takes over and someone fucks around and finds out

em: this is just my unhinged jamie viola hatefuck bulkshit which is. it’s ironic ok it’s ironic it’s ironic it’s

em: ok one last thought bc i know it’s super late for u but

obsetress: omg i also have a last thought let’s trade

em: what if mikey is about isabels age n jamie ends up looking after him for one reason or another for a bit

em: and viola absolutely Dotes on him

obsetress: omg

obsetress: that’s what does it. jamie seeing viola w mikey

em: grumble grumble i guess she’s not that bad

em: except then she’s like god what if mikey likes her MORE than me

obsetress: “dani what if mikey gets one of those weird first crushes on vi”

obsetress: dani doesn’t even look up from the laundry “who hasn’t had a crush on vi”

obsetress: jamie’s like “mE” and dani just gives her the most withering look

em: danis like It’s Par For The Course Jamie

em: danis a teacher she’s like it happens don’t sweat it

em: anyway

em: what was. what was ur last little thought

obsetress: i was just thinking more about viola also baby and how also she’s been so privileged her whole life that sometimes there are just some things she can’t do for herself because she just doesn’t know how

obsetress: like she’s never had to learn

em: rebecca gets um

em: freeze dried coffee

em: nescafé

obsetress: but like

obsetress: rebecca genuinely loves taking care of vi for whatever reason (it’s because she loves her) when she really needs it but

obsetress: rebecca also takes no shit and is like “i’m not making the nescafé for you. you’re 36 years old, vi, you need to learn to do it for yourself”

obsetress: and she’ll stand there and watch her do it and then she makes vi do it at least three more times for posterity

obsetress: “i’ll make a plebeian of you yet, viola lloyd”

obsetress: (god only the two of them would think a line like that is funny)

[theendofeverafter]

My personal Ever After High ships

No one asked but I’m doing this anyway. Here are my own EA ships. Maybe I’ll make a separate page or something on my tumblr to list them (idk the lingo here haha). I’ll include my anti-ships at the bottom because there are some I’m personally really opposed to. 

In no particular order:

SHIPS

Darling Charming x Holly O’Hair - This is probably my one of my all-time favorites. Was there sufficient interaction in the show? Hell no, they spoke to each other one (1) time on camera. But they’re perfect for each other, I swear. Darling is a knight in shining armor, and Holly has always dreamed of the whole Prince Charming thing or whatever. She writes fanfiction about it, for chrissakes. Darling can be that for her. Plus, I’ve always pictured Holly as liking girls (no matter what she said in Thronecoming lol). Appling/Dapple is nice, but I think Darling can do better than Apple.

Raven Queen x Dexter Charming - One of the only canon ships, but a good one nonetheless. I really like them together. I forgot which post spelled it out on here, but someone else said that Dexter serves as the privileged, down-to-earth guy who feels misunderstood by his family, while Raven is the rebellious girl from the “wrong side of the tracks”. Even though Raven is still wealthy as the daughter of a king and queen, she’s still an outcast. I love that kind of pairing! Dex is one of the only non-Rebels to treat Raven like a real person. Raven teaches Dex how to color outside of the lines. I think they’re a good match for each other.

Lizzie Hearts x Daring Charming - No, I will not be swayed on this. Lizzie and Daring were the OG ship and another CANON pairing. Let’s dissect: Daring is dared by his friends to get a date with her. She has high standards (as she should) and doesn’t give him the time of day. He has to prove himself to her, not use cheap tricks to get her attention. After he takes her on an adventure (getting her out of her comfort zone), she warms up to him. Then she asks him to keep their date a secret, and he does! He takes the dare’s consequence on the chin to protect her reputation. This is honestly out of character for him, which is why I’m hyping up this otherwise bare-minimum act. This friendship continues into the books, as they interact a lot in A Wonderlandiful World. Lizzie and Daring complement each other, too: she’s a responsible, dedicated princess who never loses sight of what’s important. He’s a fun-loving prince who revels in public admiration. Lizzie can teach him to be more responsible while Daring can teach her to relax and have fun.

Ashlynn Ella x Hunter Huntsman - Not much needs to be said. Ashlynn has a vegan cheerleader significant other and you don’t. Jealous? I know I am.

Kitty Cheshire x Ramona Badwolf - She was a werecat, she was a werewolf.  Can I make it any more obvious? They’re both snarky and mischievous. Plus, Kitty would have a chance to redeem herself after almost outing Cerise and her family.

Briar Beauty x Hopper Croakington II - I’m so sorry for all the straight ships :( I promise the sequel to The End of Ever After will NOT be as straight as EAH. Anyway, Briar and Hopper have so much potential. You can tell that Briar has warmed up to him throughout the series. First it was her turning him down and being grossed out by his frogginess. Then she enlists his help with the True Hearts Day dance (though I have a hunch that this was all thanks to Cupid). Then she tolerates his existence at Spring Fairest (and even saves him from being blown away on the Fairest Wheel). Then she enlists his help again with the recreation spell in Epic Winter. She likes him, people! I think Hopper is a really nice guy and a perfect love interest for Briar, who deserves everything in the world.

Duchess Swan x Sparrow Hood - I will die on this hill. They’re together in the *show* and I can prove it. After they “break up” in True Hearts Day (they were just friends then), you see them in the background together all the time. In Epic Winter, they were together when they were spying on Grimm. Why do they spend so much time together? Are they just friends? Or is there something going on between them? I think the second is much more likely. I love their dynamic and wish it was explored more in the show. Also, someone has pointed out that Sparrow’s necklace is the same shape as Duchess’s earrings. This can’t be a coincidence.

Chase Redford x Justine Dancer - I’ll admit it, this ship came out of nowhere for me. It is entirely based on the fact that I think they’d look good together. Ramona/Justine shippers are entirely valid.

Jillian Beanstalk x Lilly-Bo Peep - My final wlw relationship, unfortunately. I feel like Lilly-Bo is a girl who wants to go on adventures, but can’t because of her needy sheep. Seriously, those animals are constantly crying for her attention. Jillian is freewheeling and can help Lilly-Bo chase her dreams.

Alistair Wonderland x Bunny Blanc - The two most boring Wonderlandians deserve each other. Mattel screwed ‘em up badly. Chase/Alistair shippers are valid as well b/c I don’t even know with these two. I guess I like that they’re such close friends? And that they can’t tell that the other person has a crush on them? Who knows.

Nina Thumbell x Humphrey Dumpty - This is another wtf ship. I headcannon these two as being a year younger than the main EAH characters, and I think they’d be cute together, so it’s a ship. No questions please.

The rest of the characters will either find people outside the school to date or not date anyone at all (yes, I’ve headcannoned Cedar as asexual and aromantic, even as a “real girl”).

ANTI-SHIPS

Raven Queen x Apple White - I think @rebelliouslyeverafter had a great post on this. I’ll link it here.

Rosabella Charming x Daring Charming - This is a personal preference since I’m a hardcore Dizzie shipper. I cringe every time I watch Epic Winter because the show pretended like Daring and Lizzie weren’t romantically involved. There’s nothing wrong with the ship inherently, but I much prefer Daring being the Beast but not in love with Rosabella.

Cerise Hood x Daring Charming - Same reasonings as above, but there’s even less material to refer to with this ship (in my opinion).

Duchess Swan x Poppy O’Hair - Why.

All other ships are fine to me, even if I don’t agree with them myself. And of course, you’re free to ship whomever you like. These are just my preferences.

[neonjawbone]

Feel free to ignore this but i really like your style and ive recently wanted to get into more horror-y and aytypical charecter and art stuff. But i learned to draw through anime so my art always has that pretty and idealized look to it. Do you have any tips for drawing more raw/aytypical stuff without it looking too anime-y?

Im sorry if this is annoying i love your art lots ok bye *runs into a little bush*

Pulls up a little chair next to the bush hello I’ll do my best

This ask is really funny to me because I too, learned to draw through anime. Granted, the anime I tended to like and REALLY influenced me early on, stuff like One Piece, Rave Master, Bleach, etc, often wasn’t afraid to be too out there, especially in terms of character design. (The same could not be said as often for.... female characters in those series, but I digress.)

Horror, monster-y art wasn’t something I really got in to until like uhhhhh 2012-2013, like freshman year of college. Though I suppose anime/manga I like DOES tend to have a certain level of violence to it. REGARDLESS. 

Unfortunately Anon, art advice tends to be pretty boring because the good answers and tips tend to be the same every time. 

First: Find some artists that draw atypically (as you put it), artists who do Horror and Interesting Visuals and Monsters and Unique Character designs. Find anime that hits those notes for you as well, hell go find all sorts of media!! I’m heavily inspired by live-action film and musicals, neither of which are mediums of visual art (at least not in the sense that they are Drawings.)

Second: Now once you’ve found the stuff that inspires you, think about it! Think critically! What do you like about it? Why do you like it? What do they do that’s appealing to you. How are they doing it. The way they draw something, the shapes they use, the colors they like, the tone, the aesthetics, etc, etc. Art is made up of so many little things both seen and unseen. Try and apply it to your own work, but don’t just copy it. Try and understand what makes it good. If you don’t do this, your work ends up feeling a little more shallow, although I don’t think there’s anything necessarily BAD about wearing your influences on your sleeve (if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I was inspired by One Piece.)

Third: Practice! Do art! Apply the things you’ve thought about! And go outside your comfort zone! This part is hard because it feels very difficult and scary to do but really only happens gradually. Little by little, inch by inch, push the boundaries on what you think you’re capable of stylistically. One day you’ll look back and think “Oh I can’t believe I thought THAT was pushing the envelope!” But you can’t build a foundation without every little brick.

Anyway, I dunno how helpful this is, it’s a little all over the place. To be more spoecific to your ask here: Basically, if you’re worried about your stuff looking too anime-y, look at less typically anime stuff. Watch horror movies, read western comics or webcomics, watch tv shows. Some anime that’s a little less typical is also out there!! Stuff like Hellsing Ultimate, DoroHedoro, Hunter X Hunter, Beastars, or Kaiji are really good examples of anime that push those stylistic boundaries while also creating an atmosphere of horror or dread.

Idk I think that’s all I got, I hope you find it helpful Anon!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #270

“please remain calm; the end has arrived. we cannot save you; enjoy the ride.”

Do you own pastel-colored pants? No. What type of lotion do you use? I don't really use it. Nothing seems to help how dry my skin is. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pastel pink, but realistically (given a pink car would probably have a paint job I'd have to pay for, I assume?), I like burnt orange cars. Not too brown-ish, though. What is your favorite color, do you look good in it, & do you wear it a lot? Pink, probably not, and no. Name someone you know who hates pink. Idk. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home." Do you kill bugs? Sometimes. Depends. If they're in my house, most likely. Have you ever had a bedroom that had wallpaper on the walls? No. Do you own any rompers? No. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? I made a birdhouse out of a milk carton once. Animal Planet taught me lol. Do you use window clings (aka window stickers)? No. What color is your stapler? Black. Do you have a desk that you sit at in your room? Ugh, no, but that's one reason I want to move to somewhere I have a bigger room for a desk so I don't do everything in my damn bed. What do you miss about college? Feeling like I was worth something and on a "proper" path. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. What is/was your dream school? I never had a "dream" school. Do you wish you could talk to someone about your past? If so, who? Idk, probably someone. What motivates you? Music and/or videos on whatever subject I could use motivation in, like self-care on my bad days. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. Tried, though. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I went through a doctor appointment entirely without Mom just a few days ago; she had to stay in the car due to chemo, so I filled stuff out, checked in/out alone, answered questions on my own, that business. I'm entirely aware it's sad as hell that a 24 y/o did that for the first time, but if you knew just how dependent I am on my mom, you'd get it. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's when I actually have someone to celebrate with, but I love Easter as an aunt with how excited the kids are about candy and all. Easter sorta rubs me the wrong way though since, y'know, Christianity essentially stole and rebuilt it. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? I myself don't even decorate. Mom only does for Christmas, and it's very last minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? I don't drink Starbucks. What were you wearing in the last good selfie you took? *checks phone* uh the one where I'm wearing a red tank top is okay. That's all you can see cuz FUCK taking full-body pics of me. What’s on your wish list right now? Ha, I actually have a list in my phone of things I really want/need to buy when I can. A few include a bigger terrarium to Venus, a treadmill, an Unus Annus shirt before the channel and thus merch expire, glasses for driving... What do you use to sweeten your tea? I don't drink tea. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, I don't wear enough colors or makeup in general to warrant buying one. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? The aforementioned doctor visit. How would you rate your self-esteem? Low, healthy, or high? Low as like, the deepest oceanic trench probs. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? Only ever to just be a goth to live out my inner fantasy of regularly flaunting that aesthetic. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? Not particularly. Would you rather it rain or snow? Snow! What does your umbrella look like? Don't have one. What’s one thing you’ve had a toxic reaction to? Do you mean like, emotionally/mentally toxic? I'm guessing probably yes. Even though parts of it were entirely realistic, understandable reactions/behaviors, I most definitely had some toxicity in me regarding the breakup, too. Which do you prefer: cropped tops or tunic tops? Uggghhhh, both are so cute. On me, I'd only ever wear tunic tops, but on others, I tend to find cropped tops cuter. What’s a style or trend that you think is ridiculous? I don't pay enough attention to this to really know... hm. Yeah, idk. Which YouTuber do you want to be more like? I could only dream of being as motivated and smart and determined and "I can do this shit" as Markiplier jfc I Love One Man Only. Do you like stuffed animals? EEEEEEEEK yes!!!! What was your favorite class in high school? Art. Have you ever gotten straight A’s in a class? If so, which classes? Yes; not to brag whatsoever, but too many for me to remember. I remember I got my very first B in 5th grade in I think math, and I was so bummed out. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? I don't think so. Are you happy today? If so, what made you happy today? I'm content-ish, not happy, but also not unhappy. Is your bed right by a window? There's one to my upper right and middle left, but my bed's not exactly against either. Do you spend more time in your bedroom or your living room? I barely leave my bedroom. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? Halloween, if I actually did decorate. Do you name stuffed animals still? Very rarely. Depends on what it is, the importance, etc. What titles did you win in the senior class polls? I FUCKIN READ THIS AS "TITTIES" AND WAS JUST LIKE... Anyway, none. Were you popular in school? No. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Only NC. Who was your best roommate? Well, Jason, if he even counted as a "roommate." Was your first roommate your best roommate? See above, considering idk if he fits the term; if he does, then yes. What’s the best family vacation you’ve ever been on? Disney World. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? Sophomore (bf was a senior and he took me) and senior. What do you want to be for Halloween? I was recently listening to a metal version of Oogie Boogie's song from TNBC and it hit me: MISS Oogie Boogie. A fat bitch could pull that shit off, watch me ho. Which member of your family are you closest to? My mom. If you have any regrets, what is the biggest one? If not, why do you have no regrets? Letting a boy become absolutely all that mattered and more to me. Would you ever apply to be on reality TV? Why? Ew, no. I don't need any more people judging me and my life. What is the best thing that has ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program that saved my life, literally. Do you have a hard time letting things go? It depends on what it is, but generally, yes. I recently realized one of my greatest flaws: I respond very, very poorly to loss, in any way. Looking back on people (especially people), events, other things... a negative, chronic reaction to loss is present throughout. What have you accomplished in life that has made you the most happy? Emotionally healed, a lot. I don't think some things will ever fully scar over, but nevertheless, I don't mentally have fuckin gashes in me. Have you ever struggled with your weight? Ever since the breakup, yes. I thought I was slightly fat before then, but looking at pictures now, I just think "damn hunny u look gud" and realize I was perfectly healthy. But anyway, I was put on a medication called Abilify (full-on name droppin', fuck this med), and it MURDERED my metabolism. I could eat a fuckin carrot and gain five pounds, probably. Emotional eating probably contributed too, but here's the thing: my current doctor took me off of it, knowing the moment I mentioned it that it was not only bad for me and my conditions but also responsible for the extreme weight gain? Pounds dropped like a ton of bricks, and this started before my emotional eating began to die off and regulate. I lost around 80 pounds just from dropping a goddamn pill. Cue college essay-long rant here about how my body image was slaughtered, how much I loathe the fucking doc that kept me on the med and blamed everything on me, and now how I've been stuck weight-wise for two years despite a vast plethora of methods to continue shedding a;sdlkfajkwlelawe GUYS I could rant til my hypothetical great-grandchildren die. When you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? It depends on who the friend is, where we are, etc., but generally, I'm just awkward, trying to be outgoing when in fact I'm questioning every single thing I say and do al;wekjrkawde this survey has taken a TURN. Do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? I don't leave my pj's unless I have to leave the house and go inside somewhere besides like, a gas station or something that's just "whatever." In high school did you have a lot of friends? Do you still keep in touch? I wouldn't say a *lot*, no, but not a tiny amount, either. The only one I ever still see is Girt, but I keep up with many on Facebook via the like button and shit, ha. Do you really care about such issues as abortion, religion, and global warming? Fuck yes I do. Who is the biggest womanizer you know? Juan sure was, but I haven't been in contact with him for years. Would you ever have a threesome? No. Who is the most attractive person you know? Of those I personally know-know, my answer will probably always be Alon like jc she's beautiful. When did you last feel the most free? ZOINKS we can't ask that question in America rn. Is there anyone who likes (or liked) you and had a really hard time getting over you? I don't know. Did you ever love someone and feel like it was wrong? Love? No. Well, before I realized I was bi, maybe Mini counts, as then I was anti-LGBT and couldn't even imagine myself as anything but straight. What’s your favorite bug? Butterflies. What’s the longest amount of time you liked/loved somebody for? Yeesh... I still can't say with absolute confidence I no longer love Jason at all, whom I started dating in 2012 and went head over heels for. What song makes you cry? There's a few that are capable of it sometimes, but do fucking not play "Stairway To Heaven" if I'm within 10 miles of you. "Another Life" by MiW usually makes me tear up towards the end, but it normally doesn't get that far anymore. Do you like rock or rap music better? Rock, as I'm not a rap fan. If you could watch someone change, would you? Yes let me live my life a;lsdkfjaws Ever known someone with an eating disorder? I don't know. I think maybe? Have you ever had a white Christmas? I think? The best snow we ever got was late Christmas night though, and the next morning was a total whiteout. What’s something you want to do but aren’t sure of yet? Hm. Idk. I'm pretty sure of most things I want to do. Biggest lie you ever told? I'm not entirely sure and I'd rather not search for one. Do you have a religion? I don't fit perfectly into any. I relate most with Neo-Paganism, but even that I deviate from some. Believe that there is a point to churches? I mean sure, people have the right to believe in/worship what they want to, and some people get a lot of joy and reassurance out of going. How do eat Oreos? "I split them in half and lick the cream before eating the cookie." <<<< Converse or Vans? Idc. Eh, maybe Converse, but idk. Dancing or watching others dance? I love watching others dance, it's why I enjoyed dance recitals and competitions. Favorite thing to touch/feel? My cat! <3 Rather be in a tornado or a large earthquake? Both would be horrifying, but I guess earthquake. I've had an outrageous fear of tornadoes since I was very little. Would you rather Santa or the Easter Bunny actually exist? Santa, duh. Would you rather spread gossip or start a fight? Start a fight, I guess. Trying to sully someone's name with false information would haunt me way more than starting an understandable fight. What has been the best New Year's for you so far & why? I don't know. What is the weirdest fear you’ve ever heard of someone having? Do you have any weird fears, and if so, what are they? Uhhh I think maybe butterflies? Idk, even that's not too weird considering it's an insect, and that's common. I'm personally absolutely terrified of pregnancy and also whale sharks scare me quite a bit. ig that's weird. How did you find Tumblr? lol how could you not know at some point as a teen on the Internet. What of the 8 wonders of the world do you find the most fascinating, if any? I had to look them up lmao. I guess the Great Pyramid of Giza. I in general find Egyptian culture and art to be very cool. Do you have a webcam? If you do, do you ever use it and what for? I mean, it's built into the laptop. I never use it. What is something that you think is really underrated? The band Otep, for one. I mean they're not small, but I don't think most people interested in the metal genre know them. OH and then there are A LOT of YouTube artists that MADLY deserve to be signed. I have a large chunk of metal musicians I listen to, and those especially like Jonathan Young blow my fucking mind they haven't technically "made it," even if they have a large subscriber base. Have you ever had a dream where you died? Did anything weird happen to your body after it? Yes, a few. Now hang with me, okay? One of my worst nightmares as a kid involved the wicked witch from TWoO turning me into one of those fucking party things that you blow into it and the paper unfurls and her using it killed me. Yo idk. I was really scared of that witch as a kid. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? How about the most realistic? It involved my dad and that's all that needs to be said. Realistic? Hm. This was SO long ago that I barely remember *just* how real it felt, but I remember it felt real as fuck. I was very little when this happened. I dreamed that I went outside to our porch because there was a weird light and when I stepped outside, a swan and a goose flew down from the light onto the porch to become my late grandpa and my deeply beloved cat Midnight, who died from sickness. I'm sure it was just a dream now, but back then, I was VERY convinced it was like a vision from God or something, telling me they were okay and with us. Do you have a favorite fashion trend? What is it? Is there a fashion trend right now that you think is completely ridiculous, and if so, what? What do you think was the worst fashion trend of all time? I don't care about fashion enough to go in depth about all this. I'll tell you right now though that mullets were the worst mistake known to mankind. Do you tend to like original horror movies or re-makes better? What’s your favorite horror movie? Is it an original or a remake? If you're remaking an old one, I'll probably like it more since they're generally not nearly as cheesy. Modern horror movies, I don't have much of a preference. My fave is The Blair Witch Project, and it's an original. What is one characteristic in a person that you cannot stand? What characteristics do you like best in a person? Do you possess any of these characteristics? Those that act violent when they're angry, for one. Those scare me. Some traits that I really like are compassion, patience, genuineness, empathy, kindness just for the sake of being so, stuff like that. I'd like to think I've got some of those. It's notable that in my nightmares, I'm way more violent than I actually am, though. What kind of jeans do you like best? When I actually wore jeans, they were like solely skinny jeans. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup after a long-term relationship and falling way, way too hard to be healthy. Does it still bother me? PTSD is stapled on my fucking forehead if you know the slightest about it. I've healed a whole lot, but I'm pretty sure it's a scar that's never going to even fully seal.

[agentmika]

I was tagged by @synonymouslyyours​ and thank you so so much! I love this and I am very happy to do it and to engage more online, yes and thank you.

RULES: answer 20 questions, then tag bloggers you want to get to know better.

1. NAME: Cherish (yes like the word) 2. NICKNAMES: Cherie, Cher, Chair, cheroosh, CB (said as SEEB)  3. ZODIAC SIGN: taurus (bday coming up soon hehe) 4. HEIGHT: 5′8″ I think 5. LANGUAGES SPOKEN: English, uh intermediate Spanish? I let myself kinda drop it but I can still read, write, speak to some degree and have been trying to pick it up again so please drop all the Spanish show, song, movie, podcast, etc recs. I know very beginner French as well. Wanna be a polyglot one day so I have like 15 languages started on Duolingo and a 52-day streak right now. I would list the other languages, but this section is already getting pretty long.  6. NATIONALITY:  American (all other Americans y'all BETTER FUCKING VOTE) 7. FAVORITE SEASON: not sure because I have things I really like about each season like breezy fall days with crunchy leaves and winter wonderland mornings before the snow’s been disturbed or when you can look up into the sky and all you see is snowflakes as they fall, or that wondrous early spring that @synonymouslyyours mentioned (I wrote a short poem about this exact thing that I will send you after writing this post), or golden summer days where I can lay in a patch of sun and engage lizard brain 8. FAVORITE FLOWER: I like lilacs 9. FAVORITE SCENT: honestly go nuts over this one candle scent called frosted cranberry 10. FAVORITE COLOR: yellow :) 11. FAVORITE ANIMAL: ocelots 12. FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER(S): too many too many too many, I’ll try to list some from diff media types so legit almost every damn character in the raven cycle books is so interesting but especially the gangsey and especially Adam Parrish. Also love Nicholas Angel from the movie Hot Fuzz. Lup from the Adventure Zone podcast is a babe. Omg and Miss Fisher from the tv show Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries--can’t wait for the new movie!  13. COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot chocolate 😋 14. AVERAGE SLEEP HOURS: My fitbit that I got for xmas is currently telling me it is 5hr45 min. During school time I would say anywhere in the range of 5-7 is common and w/o school, then more like 7-8 hours sleep. I do not do well w/ little sleep 15. DOG OR CAT PERSON: C A T   P E R S O N  16. NUMBER OF BLANKETS YOU SLEEP WITH: it varies, but if I’m using all of them (b/c sometimes they get shoved aside) then rn I have 4 things: sheets, blanket, comforter, weighted blanket. also bunch of pillows and stuffed animals and I frequently wake up with two of my family’s cats in bed w/ me too 17. DREAM TRIP: I want to travel everywhere. Lowkey (kinda highkey) wanna be an astronaut so space lol. Also just on Earth tho, I haven’t even traveled outside the us except once or twice to Canada so literally anywhere else. I think maybe Hungary and Budapest w/ my mom would be nice (her family is from there/she’s always wanted to go) and I wanna visit Hobbiton in New Zealand and also Japan or South Korea 18. BLOG ESTABLISHED: October 10th, 2013...I’ve been on this site coming up. on 7 years folks. I was very much just a lurker early on though and I’m still active and trying to be more of a presence on here so anyone feel free to reach out and say hey :) if you’ve been on here since you basically a child like myself let’s talk about that experience! I promise I’m friendly :) 19. FOLLOWERS: are all very much appreciated - shoutout especially to those mutuals who just like my stuff and I like your stuff and idk if we’ve ever said a word to each other. Feel free to say hi! 20. RANDOM FACT: I know how to ripstik. If u don’t know what a ripstik is, it’s like a skateboard w/ 2 wheels instead of 4. Also I like creative writing!  if any of you’d like to play, i’d love to get to know you more :)

@theactofmakingnoise @actually-a-hobbit @gotohellstephano @hermannsthumb @newts-geiszler @heliodean @deanieweaniewrites @starespressos @kris-kenobi @pirategf

[lizzieraindrops]

Your chance to make the sun rise thrice (Chapter 2)

a river that still runs (8803 words)

Beth Childs has come to Helsinki to meet her best friend Veera for the first time in the Herbs on the windowsill universe, an alternate timeline where the original Helsinki massacre was prevented and DYAD routed by Clone Club Alpha’s successful publicity stunt back in 2001. Veera Suominen and Niki Lintula survived and decided to live in a little apartment together as qpp’s. Numerous Leda clones worldwide are now in contact via a secure online network that Veera maintains. 

Note: This chapter is a bit heavier than the rest of the AU. Beth is still struggling with a lot of the same challenges in this universe, even if the events causing them are somewhat different because of such early canon divergence. But the whole point of this story is that things can end up okay no matter how rough it's been. She's getting the help she needs and she's gonna be alright. That said, warning for soft discussion of past abuse, the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety, and some suicidal ideation. And of course, lots of love and learning how to heal, with support from her best friend.

Fun fact: Veera's username is 3mika, and she always sets her font to the precise warm turquoise of hex color #2299aa. She thinks she's hilarious, and she's right. 

Also on AO3  |  Playlist  |  Aesthetic sideblog

Part 1: Herbs on the windowsill

Part 2: Someday colors

Part 3: Your chance to make the sun rise thrice  |  Chapter 1  |  Chapter 2  |  Chapter 3

***

Beth wakes on a squashy couch that isn't hers. Morning-soft sunlight pours through the window above her, bouncing back off the walls to fill even the shady corners with a warm secondhand glow. Her limbs are soft, splayed under unfamiliar blankets and sinking into the cushions. She doesn't move yet.

The apartment. Helsinki. Beth's really here. She holds herself still, letting the truth sink into her. She half expects the usual anxious tension to clench her into a ball the instant she moves a muscle, but it isn't there. Neither is the invisible weight that so often pins her immobile. She still wakes frequently with both of them holding her body hostage, keeping her muscles unmoving but restless, even in sleep. Right now though, they're gone. She just lies there, soft beneath the window.

It's quiet but not silent. The occasional car on the little road outside chuckles as it passes. A soft rush of water echoes through pipes in the walls, running toward an early riser in another unit. These sounds fall strangely on Beth's Toronto-bred ears, isolated in the stillness of this of this little apartment on the outskirts of the city. Still, the early-morning atmosphere settles comfortably into her jet-lagged bones, murmuring a rhythm for her to sink into. The temporal upheaval of a transcontinental red-eye and a series of exhausted naps yesterday have left her a little unbalanced. And yet, here she is waking up with the day, and the ground under her feels so much more stable than she’s used to.

Beth breaks her stillness with a deep, deep breath that she can feel expanding all the way down to her feet. She stretches, too, but soon pulls the toes that get exposed back underneath the warm, scratchy blanket. The cushions of the old couch creak a little in complaint as she shifts, but her limbs remain supple. For a time, she just observes the sensations. Then, her awareness spreads beyond the couch and the window to the rest of the room.

All around her, an oddly blocky pattern covers the walls. It's one of the first things she noticed when she walked into the apartment yesterday afternoon. The pattern isn't wallpaper like it appears at first glance, but actually a multitude of small photographs. Most of them are unframed, but taped up in crisply aligned rows. In them, she sees the same face infused with a hundred different lives. Just above her, a sleeping, slack-jawed redhead with bulky headphones around her neck sprawls on the very same couch Beth's laying on now. A few rows down, a brunette and a blonde with their long hair in matching wild waves are leaning all over each other and grinning like devils. One of the few framed photos shows a girl with a hospital-short buzz cut and a delighted expression, sitting in front of what looks like a mouthwatering strawberry shortcake. Beth can see at least six others in the background behind strawberry girl. Among them are Mika with her unmistakable scars and Niki with her bright blonde hair, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Morning light glances off the glossy surfaces of the photos on the west wall. The particularly bright reflection off one of the framed photos draws Beth's eye. With a tiny jolt, Beth recognizes one of her own selfies beneath the glass. In it, she's wearing the same old turquoise blue sweatshirt that's spilling out of her suitcase next to the couch right now. Underneath it, she's wearing her track gear, so the photo is at least two years old. She'd had to quit cross-country so she could try to get the shitshow her life had become under control. She vaguely recalls sending it to Mika a long time ago. It's strange to think that her presence has been in this apartment for so long.

She's here. In Finland. Staying with Mika – Mika - and Niki. Far, far away from everything.

Sprawling on the couch she slept on with a sigh as if she hadn’t a care in the world, Beth can't believe she's really gone and done it. She's run so far away that there's an ocean between her and her problems. It’s so much better than she's dreamed, even if it's only for a little while. It’s worth it, even though she'll be going back far too soon. For the first time in years, it feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be right now.

It had all started out as foolish idea she'd floated one Saturday morning, months ago. She hadn't been serious at all. She'd woken up so relieved at not having to get up and go to work, until she remembered her weekly therapy appointment with a hopeless groan.

Putting off the genuinely daunting prospect of hauling herself out of bed, she reached out to snag her phone from on top of her dresser, checking to see if she'd heard from Mika overnight. After all, Helsinki was nine hours ahead, so Mika had already seen most of the day that was just beginning for Beth. They talked so often these days, since they'd first made contact over two years ago. Rarely a day passed without touching base. But there wasn’t anything since Beth had checked last night. She took it upon herself to send the first message of the day.

runwaterblue: god, i dont wanna get up and deal with any of thsi shit today

After her world fell apart, after finding out about Project Leda, after realizing that all her nightmares and more were real, after her father...

runwaterblue: wish i could come visit u and get away form everything for awhile

Mika replied almost immediately.

3mika: you can

It was evening in her time zone, but to be honest, Beth had no idea if she had anything resembling a regular sleep schedule. The girl was always online.

3mika: though you really should go to your appointment. you always feel better afterward

runwaterblue: howd you know i have therapy today

3mika: you always have an appointment saturday afternoons

runwaterblue: yes but how do you remember that? i cant evne remember my own appts lmao

3mika: you mentioned it months ago when you switched from sundays to saturdays

Beth shook her head with a smile. Mika was so good with details.

3mika: anyway. you’re welcome here, if you can get here

3mika:  it would be great to see you

3mika: Niki wouldn't mind. we've had a bunch of Ledas visit us here, it's always fun

3mika: except that one time Dani and Ary got into a fight over football. some French-Italian team rivalry thing. that was not fun.

Beth laughed. It was funny how Mika was so good at making her do that, even on days like these. She leaned back against her pillow and held her phone over her head without sitting up, being careful not to drop it on her own face. She'd done that before. More times than she'd admit.

runwaterblue: i was kidding. id love to visit, but idk how id get there

runwaterblue: u should see the americans go off abt their football lmao. they're nerly as bad as the hockey freaks here

3mika: pls no

3mika: no more sports. it was a year ago and I’m still exhausted

3mika: sports are banned in this apartment.

Beth snorted. Mika wanted nothing to do with sports of any kind, and with Beth's athletic record, the topic had become a point of mutual teasing between them.

In so many ways, they were such different people, DNA be damned. Mika was reticent where Beth was outgoing. (Or at least, Beth had been. She was never quite sure how to think of herself these days.) Clone drama aside, Beth had been a pretty average Canadian high schooler. She got reasonable grades, played a few sports, and kept mostly out of trouble because there would be hell to pay if she didn’t. Mika was a brilliant homeschooled autistic orphan who had been raised in near isolation by her guardian after surviving the hospital fire that marked her skin for life. Beth mostly listened to pop music, and where no one else could hear, the occasional classical symphony. Mika held fast to Finland's weird obsession with death metal and dabbled in literally everything else.

And yet, Mika understands Beth like no one else does. And it's not just because they've both been through all this Project Leda bullshit. Though Beth doesn't know what she would have done without Mika to help her through that, too.

Beth won't ever be able to forget the moment that everything changed. Recognizing a her own face from the mirror on the evening news stopped her in her tracks, as something in her gut caved in with the hollow certainty that it wasn't her. Then face after face flickered before her, a flipbook barrage of déja vu. Blonde and smiling. Scarred and pensive. Braids and piercings and a rakish grin. Beth was rooted in place as people she had never been wearing things she had never worn said things she was never supposed to know.

That utter strangeness on the screen immediately seeped into her life like an oil slick into a river, tainting every thing she thought she knew with clinging uncertainty. Her father was inexplicably even more upset about it than Beth was, yet adamant that they shouldn't look into the matter. But it was already too late to stop herself from thinking. With slow horror, the truth of what exactly his behavior must mean dawned on her. And yet, even with the desperate growing certainty about who her Leda monitor must be, it was hard to believe that he could be anything other than her plain stern father.

He was always a bit strict and overprotective - probably well more than a bit, she realizes these days. But she’d thought that's just what it was like to be a cop's daughter. He'd never done anything really extreme, nothing beyond the firm discipline any kid could expect. He was just not a man to be trifled with, that was all. So until everything she thought she knew shifted that day and threatened to topple every assumption she’d built her life on, she had never truly dared to cross him.

Outright daring him to say to her face that he wasn't her monitor was probably considered a step beyond trifling. He did not take it kindly.

Two months later, Beth and her mother were living in an apartment on the opposite side of the city. It took two months for the two of them to lay plans to leave together, for good. For two months, her every move was watched. She spent two months knowing there would be hell to pay if she didn't give the performance of a lifetime pretending everything was fine, even while sirens blared inside her day and night. Two months was more than enough to teach her things she never wanted to know about the hidden marks fear leaves on the body.

Even after she finally escaped, her life was in tatters and nothing made sense. It wasn’t just the sudden jarring discovery of Project Leda, or the crisis it had forced her to confront. It was learning that, deep down, she had known that she’d never once felt free. She’d unconsciously kept herself from knowing to avoid exactly that conflict of wills that she’d known she would lose.

Trying to come to terms with what had happened and how it changed everything, Beth was continuously losing her balance. Questioning which parts of her life had been screwed over by her father and which by being part of some ridiculous supervillain science experiment was like trying to stand on two kickboards in a pool. She couldn't find her footing, and all she could do was try and stay afloat. She had to repeat her whole junior year of high school that she lost to this shitshow, while starting over at a new school, and only barely scraped her way into senior year. Now that she knew how honestly terrible she'd been at judging who in her life she could trust, it was as hard to talk to old friends as it was to make new ones.

Therapy helped her start sorting out what she was feeling, and how the environment she’d grown up in was really not the healthiest. She hadn’t realized how much she’d learned to doubt her own perceptions. That made constructing any kind of new understanding of her situation an uphill struggle. And of course, her therapist couldn’t help her confirm anything about a human experiment that was so illegal it had been an international secret. As she continued to stumble forward, Beth even started doubting her former certainty of the identity of her Leda monitor. She questioned herself and everything she knew until she wanted to scream with frustration or weep with confusion. The floor of the counselor’s office could have been mopped with her tears. It was, quite literally, driving her mad.

So, finally, Beth had taken up the invitation on the banner of every Leda news feature to "Contact the secure, clone-run Clone Youth Group Network (CYGNet) for answers by emailing info@cygnet.org."

She wanted something concrete that would help convince her brain to stop reenacting these head games that warped her reality. It still insisted on playing through the patterns it had been taught, even in its teacher’s absence. She needed something that could brace her against the ideas that she was really just paranoid, overreacting, accusing, that this was all her fault for making a big deal out of nothing. Even with his other faults (cruelties, her mind whispered) aside, at least his involvement with Project Leda was unforgivable, and she wanted proof of it. Maybe if she had that, she could stop being mad at herself for not wanting to forgive. And if anyone had that proof, CYGNet would.

Maybe it was just because of the sheer blunt honesty about her motives, or the inescapable vulnerability of the message Beth sent, but Mika had replied to her within a day. And she'd been so gentle about it, too, enough to make Beth later question where the stereotype of autistic brashness came from. Then again, over email, Mika had all the time she needed to compose her thoughts and lay them out as softly as she wanted. She didn't have to spit them out as fast as she could to keep pace with a quick and painfully overwhelming world.

Hi Beth Childs,

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I still don't know how they got away with doing things like this for so long. I suppose people will always find ways to be cruel. But we've survived this long, and the whole point of CYGNet is to help us all heal. The experimental network has been dismantled, and we are assembling resources to help us. We've brought mental health professionals on to the project to develop custom programs for our needs. We can make them available to you, if you are interested.

I attached scans of some of your files that we recovered from DYAD. There are a few case reports with the signature of the person you asked about, spaced throughout your lifetime. There are also financial records with his name in the list of paid employees. He was without a doubt part of the Leda monitor program. I can provide all of the documentation that we have related to you, if you like, but I thought that would be too much all at once. I know these are hard to look at, but I hope they help let your mind rest. They are very real, and every awful thing we have experienced was also real, no matter how they tried to convince everyone that we were making it all up.

Please take your time with these, and stay in contact if you want to. You can join our mailing list, if you want to know when we have new information or new resources available. We're here for you.

And hey, if you just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to deal with all of this, I'm here, too. You can reach my personal inbox or IM me at wiz.of.dos@cygnet.org. It'll be okay.

-Veera

Beth had started crying before she even finished reading the letter, much less opened the attachments. She cried so often these days. She only knew why half the time. But this time, it felt like the tears were extracting some of her pain as they left her, instead of just overflowing from the unending wellspring of her directionless distress. All of this was real, and someone else knew it.

Though she was grateful beyond measure for her mother’s untiring support, they were each other’s too-close, ever-present reminders of what they’d survived, trying to act like they weren’t, trying to convince each other and themselves that they were okay. Beth had needed something else, too, something until now unnamed.

This was a handhold, a backstop Beth didn't know she'd been desperate to find. It wasn't just the confirmation of what she’d concluded about her father. The ability speak plainly to someone she didn't feel the need to pretend around was an exhale of a breath held too long. At least one person in the world not only understood, but really and truly didn't want or expect her to act like any of this was normal or okay, or that she would ever be the same again.

Veera – or Mika, as she often went by online – made good on her offer of a sympathetic ear. Their correspondence started off with awkward, grammatically correct messages about the less painful details of their lives. Mika told her about the farmer’s market three blocks away where she went walking early in the morning before it got busy, and the plant stand there that her best friend and roommate Niki (also a Leda) had to ask her to stop buying so many succulents from.

At first, Beth tried to chatter like she used to, but there were no safe subjects. What had happened had touched all of her life. Normally, she’d talk about school, or sports, or her friends. But she was trying to start all over again at a new school with all the struggles that came with it. She didn’t have the time or energy for sports anymore, and talking about them hurt, now. Running used to make her heart sing. But no matter how she tried, there was no joy in the motion anymore. To top it all off, it was as hard to connect with old friends from her old life as it was to try and make new ones. She spent most interactions either doubting her own character judgement or dreading the moment people recognized her Leda face from the news.

She didn’t know how to talk about any of it to anyone. Maybe she could have if it had been just the clone thing or just the dad thing. But the two were inextricably entangled, and she still couldn’t even explain it to herself. It was all unbelievably horrifying, and any time she tried to be honest about it, people ended up disbelieving or horrified. Shocker.

Maybe, though, it wouldn’t be weird to talk about it with Mika. Mika already knew the worst. Beth didn’t have to hide that hurt from her to keep from shaking her world, or to keep her dismissal from hurting Beth. Maybe that’s what was hurting the most: the feeling that even after escaping, she still had to pretend to be okay. That compulsive stifling feeling choked her whenever it bubbled back up. On her bad days, a simple “how are you?” could reduce her to a blank face plastered over a raw tangle of emotions held motionless her own iron grip.

But Mika mentioned having bad days, too. Days came where she was too scared and nightmare-weary to do anything but make herself some tea and soak up some sunlight in the safety of home. Beth could casually say things like after those two months, i still twitch every time i hear a door open, and i wish my body would quit feeling like it doesn’t exist, my legs feel numb. It barely broke the surface of what it was like in her head, but was discomfiting enough for people that she held her tongue at school.

Sometimes, Beth got tired of constantly thinking about all this shit and tried to lighten things up. On one comically disastrous occasion of cultural exchange, she liveblogged Mika her attempt at eating the infamous Scandinavian lutefisk, along with an audio recording of the incoherent horrified noises she made after tasting it. In return, she received a recording of someone, presumably Mika, laughing harder than she’d ever heard anyone laugh before. It made Beth smile. Not many things did, back then.

Slowly, as the formality fell away from their transcontinental conversations, their heavier stories seething below the surface seeped in. Beth had been in therapy long enough now to know that she couldn't just recklessly unload on people the way she did in counseling sessions. But a counselor couldn't always provide the same kind of unspoken solidarity that someone in the same boat could.

Bit by bit, slipped into the chats that were becoming a daily occurrence, they talked about monitors, about what the experiment had really all been for, why that both was and wasn’t important, and how they'd discovered they were a part of Project Leda. Putting words to the pain hurt, a lot. But the ability to lay out long-unspoken truths in front of each other, knowing they were believed in the way that only people who have shared something can, was a healing kind of pain instead of the festering one Beth had been living with.

The two of them had more in common than they'd thought, growing up a world apart. Beth's experience raised under the subconscious wariness of her father's hovering thumb felt a lot like what Mika described growing up largely isolated with her former guardian. But sometimes, whenever they realized that something they'd both thought was normal was pretty not, they got a good laugh out of it despite the weight of their pasts. Mika seemed somewhat accustomed to her normal being considered pretty weird, so she usually took the revelations in stride better than Beth did. Beth wouldn't find out for at least a year after meeting her that it was because of her Asperger's, since it was a topic Mika seemed quite sensitive about.

Mika explained it once, in a conversation full of long pauses on her part and watching the typing icon disappear and reappear on Beth’s. The way she put it, it just meant that her brain worked a bit differently than most people's, processing sounds and sights and all the information it took in at different speeds and with different emphases. The difference could turn everyday things like the sound of a refrigerator running into a splitting headache, or something as simple as the soft texture of her favorite jacket into a kind of bliss. That alternative way of processing also extended to things like words and emotions as well. Sometimes, it took her longer than the world was willing to wait to process them into something that made sense. It often made communication tricky, trying to compensate for the gap in mutual understanding with most people. The world and the people in it could be so overwhelming sometimes, so fast and bright and full of noise and uncertainty and bewilderingly arbitrary social conventions. But the biggest challenge was other people expecting her to do everything the same way they did, ignorant of the fact there were any ways to exist other than their own, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was already putting in at least twice as much effort to communicate with them as they were with her.

And yet, even coming from such a different perspective, Mika gets it. Beth says sometimes i dream of drowning and its not a nightmare and i wake up not knowing how to feel, and Mika says I still dream of burning and wake up not knowing which fires are real, and they both say yeah. And they sit there across the world from each other knowing these things, knowing that it doesn't fix anything. And yet, it does change something. Nothing's any better, really. But somehow, the knowledge that someone else understands makes it a little easier to bear.

And that's just it. Somehow, without ever even having seen her face, Mika sees Beth clearer than anyone. All of her, all the ugly parts she hides so that they can't hurt anyone, and all the good parts that she also hides so that nobody can hurt them or take them away from her. Mika sees all of that and then just tells Beth another story about the Northern Lights she sees on the regular. Apparently, in Finnish, they’re called "fox fires." Beth hardly ever sees the aurora, living relatively far south in a bright city. But her stories about life in the metropolis by the lake intrigue Mika as much as the tales of the twisting green lights do her. And Beth can talk about something lighter again while not having to pretend that the heaviness isn’t there, too, even while she’s just once more trying and failing to explain poutine. For her, the weight never really goes away. But the effort of pretending she’s not carrying it takes more out of her than the weight itself. Mika understands that.

Maybe that’s why Beth had talked it over with Mika first, even before her mom, when she was considering taking a gap year after she hopefully managed to finish her senior year of high school. (God, it was so hard to think about English or math or whatever when just that morning she’d woken from a nightmare about being back in a not-home house that she never escaped.) Beth's mom had been so unbelievably supportive of Beth's recovery, even while she herself was adjusting to the wrenching change in both of their lives. It was both inspiring and a little intimidating. If her mom managed to run a household and raise a daughter all on her own, even while trying to heal from her own trauma, how could Beth not do her utmost, too? She was grateful to be able to talk to Mika about it, to get a reality check from someone who both understood her situation intimately and didn't make Beth feel that pressure of expectation. In the end, Beth did decide to take a year or two off before considering college, and her mom was again nothing if not supportive. Beth figured, after this entire mess, she deserved some time to herself to work on sorting her shit out, and her mom agreed.

After graduating with reasonable if not flying colors, Beth worked a series of part-time and odd jobs that didn't stress her out too much, letting herself focus on her own healing. In between her mom's support, seeing a counselor regularly, and the security of having a friend she could really trust, Beth felt like she was making progress. Slow progress, sure, but progress, nonetheless. Considering that she had seventeen years' worth of lies to unbelieve and emotional trauma to finally acknowledge, Beth figured that there was only so much she could do in the three years she'd had.

Her days were still hard. Getting sleep and waking up and eating and even just existing were still so fucking hard sometimes, and it was horrible. Some days, the thinnest sheet trapped her in bed like it was a car pinning her down. It felt so stupid for such simple things to be so hard. But then her therapist would remind her that that’s what mental illness and trauma was, that this was what the wounds in her mind and heart made her feel like. And once in awhile, sun broke through the shadows, and she had a day that reminded her what an okay day felt like – that okay days existed. That more might.

Now, she’s here, lying in a bright living room so far from home, with her dearest friend in the next room. She’s comfortable, except for the knot in her neck from sleeping oddly on the couch. The soreness pales in comparison to the usual tensions that are so strangely absent. Beth can’t remember the last time she felt this okay. She’s not steeling herself to go to work. She’s not dreading the next conversation with her mother that goes quiet as they both remember awful things they don’t mention. She’s not bracing herself for the next time her brain runs rampant worrying about whether she’ll run into the subject of her restraining order somewhere in the city and have to wonder if he'll honor it.

None of that reaches her here. There’s something about this quiet little pocket of space. It’s overrun with a proliferation of potted plants, from the sprawling lacy-leafed monster in the corner, to the fern peeping out of the kitchen, to the vine cuttings spilling out of an oddly familiar leaf-shaped glass bottle on the sill. Sunlight streaks through leaves and windowpanes and across the colorful patchwork of rugs on the floor. In the midst of it all, Beth is held by a palpable aura of gentleness. It holds her so softly that she doesn't need to hold herself in. It's like the layer of caution that she always keeps wrapped between herself and the rest of the world has simply dissolved away. In this moment suspended in morning light, she is okay.

She feels safe.

The realization undoes something in her. She feels the tears starting, and she expects the taut tension of involuntary stifling that always comes with them to return. But it doesn’t. She lies still and soft on the couch with the water creeping over her cheeks, breath occasionally catching but flowing freely. She savors it in the quiet.

The soft thunk of an ill-fitted door opening breaks into her odd reverie. Mika’s up. Beth sniffs and scrubs at her eyes halfheartedly, but she can’t hide them right now and she doesn’t want to. Mika notices immediately, and comes trotting over with quiet steps, leaning forward all concern.

"Beth," she says softly. She shifts from foot to foot like a nervous cat, watching Beth with enormous eyes. Beth has never met anyone else with such an intense stare. Or maybe it's just the fact that Beth knows beyond all doubt that she's being looked at by somebody who really sees her in her entirety. It's like she's staring right into Beth's soul. But Mika was able to do that long before they saw each others' faces. They've shared so many thousands of words over screens and seas, so many emotions that have gone otherwise unspoken, so many too-early mornings and too-late nights on the fringes of each other's dawns and dusks.

“What’s wrong?”

Finally, a flash of that sick tension runs through Beth’s body. It’s been okay when Mika has asked that before, when it was just silent letters on a screen. But out loud, the question falls on her ears like every well-meaning inquiry she’s ever had to scramble to find an acceptable answer for. The strain begins to cinch tight around her again like coarse ropes across barely-healed skin, ready to compel her to replace the truth with something safer. Her arms and legs tied, she begins to freeze, railing against herself for tainting the softness, the safety of this place.

"Beth." Mika says again, softer but more urgent.

In the gap between thoughts created by hearing her name, Beth seizes the chance to redirect them to the present. She clings to the welling in the corners of her eyes, the warmth of the sun caressing her back. The leaves of trees whisper outside the third-floor window in a mild breeze. The brightness spills over the sill and across Mika’s asymmetrical, half-craggy face and lights up tufts of her short hair as she steps closer. The couch dips as Mika sits down next to her, tilting Beth toward her.

Without meeting her eyes, Mika lifts a hesitant hand that hovers in the air between them, uncertain yet reaching. Her gentle palm falls onto Beth's forearm as softly as a floating leaf. The fingers curl around Beth’s arm just below the wrist, firm but not tight. Comforting.

The softness surrounding Beth seeps back into her, saturating her. As the memory fades like a ripple into water, the tension slackens. But it leaves her shaky, with traces of a familiar ache in her neck muscles, one that goes deeper than the simple stiffness from the couch. She sucks in a few unsteady breaths while Mika gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Sorry,” Beth says in a small, awkward voice.

Mika tilts her head. “Why?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean to bring all – this mess, in here.” Beth rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “It’s so... soft, and okay, and – I don’t wanna ruin it,” she says, trailing off into a mumble.

“Hey.” Mika moves her hand from Beth’s arm to her shoulder. When Beth looks at her, she’s looking right back. Mika's eyes dart down to the floor for a moment, but then return to hold Beth’s with deliberate steadiness. “It’s alright. It’s like this here because we wanted it to be safe to be messy. You’re not ruining anything.”

“... Oh.” She’s steadied by Mika’s fingers curling around her shoulder, by the tendrils of sunlight spreading across her head and back and arms. Mika’s voice is small but steady, and somehow it comes from the same throat that makes that huge pealing laugh. It’s so strange how they sound nothing alike. Until yesterday, Beth hadn’t heard her voice since the lutefisk incident. They’d mostly kept to text and pictures. It had seemed easier, the way it gave them both plenty time to think before they spoke through their different uncertainties. Beth was already planning her trip before they realized that they’d never actually called each other. By that point, it sounded like more fun to meet in person the old-fashioned way.

"I'll make you some tea." Mika abruptly stands and lets go of her. Beth is sad to lose the contact. She flits across the room toward the kitchen in her soft cotton pajama pants, complemented by yet another black graphic tee for yet another Scandinavian metal band Beth's never heard of. Or at least, she'd never heard of them before Mika, who has something to say about all of them, and now Beth knows more than she'll ever need to.

Mika moves in and out of view behind the half-wall that separates the little living room from the kitchen. The fronds of the fern on the counter make a green rustling as she brushes by them. It sends soft feathered shadows waving across the wall opposite the window. Beth hears the rush of water boiling out of sight, and soon sees steam rising from the mug that's being handed to her.

"It's hot," Mika says unnecessarily. She sits down next to her again, this time leaning into Beth with her arm. Beth’s glad for it.

"Have you ditched the bags and gone loose leaf?" Beth says, eyeing the fragments of bright green leaf free floating in her mug.

"It didn't come in a bag. It came from the window."

"The window?"

"It's basil tea. For the fear and pain. Five large fresh leaves in two hundred and fifty milliliters water. We grew it here."

Beth takes a cautious sip. It's surprisingly sweet, and the savory smell of the steam rising from it curls into her sinuses. The aching in her head and neck begin to relax. It's unfamiliar, but it feels like home should, just like everything else here.

"Thanks," Beth says. On an impulse of craving closeness, she leans her head onto Mika's shoulder with a sigh. The sensation of contact deepens as Mika leans against her, too.

Beth holds the cup close, fingers wrapping around its warmth. She takes another sip and gets a bit of leaf stuck in her teeth. The way she scrunches up her face trying to dislodge it pulls a tiny laugh out of Mika.

“You don’t have to be okay here,” Mika whispers. “You can just be. That’s what we do.”

Beth finds her eyes wet again, but she smiles while she sets her mug down and wipes them away. “Kinda already wish I could stay here,” she says with a chuckle.

“... That’s probably not impossible.”

“Really?” Beth asks wryly. “Not even twenty-four hours, and you’d already be willing to put up with me?”

“Twenty-four hours and twenty-seven months.”

Beth melts a little even while waving the idea aside. “I wasn’t serious.”

“I know, but... weren’t you looking at the school here?”

“I mean, yeah, but... really, my mom just thought I deserved a break to get away for a little while. She’d saved up a bit, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but she really wanted me to. She knew I wanted to come see you. Checking out the school was mostly an excuse. I know it’s a great place, but... I don’t really think it’ll help with what I wanna do.”

“What do you want to do?”

Beth sighs and leans back, looking at the ceiling. Mika follows her so that they’re still shoulder to shoulder, and pulls her feet up to tuck them in cross-legged.

She flounders for a moment, trying to find where to begin. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

“This Leda crap has been kind of awful, right? It’s screwed so many of us up. But there’s only, what, a few hundred of us? And that’s not the only reason things get messed up.” She swallows. Her eyes trace irregularities in the ceiling: a knot in an exposed wooden beam here, a sealed and repainted crack there. “Kids like me are a dime a dozen. There’s so many people out there going through hell, just because they got stuck with people who are hurting so much that they hurt other people. And then they go on and hurt more people. It’s a cycle that’s really fucking hard to break.”

Breaths that have become harsh force her to pause and let them lengthen again. A touch on her knee draws her eyes down to a hand resting on it palm up, offering. Beth takes it. Mika squeezes her fingers in reassurance.

“When I was little, I wanted to be a cop like my dad, did you know that?” Mika, eyes wide, shakes her head. “Yeah. That was always my plan. I used to think he was so brave. Wanted to be just like him.” She shudders. Mika grips her hand, steady. “Even if I could do it better than he did, the system is still full of people like him. It’s broken. I couldn’t – I can’t end up like that. I can’t keep being a part of this shit. I want to actually help people.

“I never thought about it before I met you, but the people you brought in to do therapy programs and all for CYGNet? They’re amazing. The stuff I’ve gotten from them has helped me so much. And I don’t know what I’d do without my regular therapist. These people really help people like me. Like all of us. Those are the kind of people I wanna be like.”

Beth’s voice drops and becomes small and secretive, but firm. “I’ve been looking at the social work programs at home. There’s some really good ones at the uni near where mom and I live now. And that’s the city where I grew up. I know how things work there. I know it won’t be easy, but. I could really... do stuff.”

Silence stretches. Beth looks at Mika, only to be completely thrown off by an expression she can’t make heads or tails of. “What?”

Mika’s face is blank yet soft, only barely hinting at her thoughts in the faintest crinkling of her eyes. It’s funny, how quiet her face is most of the time. Beth never would have guessed, going off her online impressions of her. Mika’s so expressive and eloquent with her written words. In person, she is much more subtle. But even after only a day spent around her, Beth is already starting to see how her movements speak volumes in a language of their own. The flickering of her hands flares to life with excitement. The casual shake of her head tosses her hair out of her eyes even when it’s not in the way, like she’s clearing the slate of her mind. And much like Beth these days, she goes very still and tense when she’s getting uncomfortable or overwhelmed, the way she did after a particularly loud whistle at the train station. It shows in her shoulders. They’re soft now though, and she just watches Beth and squeezes her hand once more.

“You’re really amazing, you know,” Mika says.

“Wh- huh?”

“Well.” She looks away and turns their hands over, but doesn’t let go. “After the awful things you’ve been through – nnnh! Don’t pretend,” she says, looking back sharply as Beth begins to protest that she didn’t have it that bad. Mika knows her so well. Beth can’t help but laugh a little. “After all that, you just want to help people. All I ever want to do is get away from them, most of the time.”

Beth quirks a brow at her with a bemused grin. “Really? Because setting up and running an organization that provides mental health resources and extremely important information to a few hundred people is a really shit way to not help people.”

“I never talk to most of them! And CYGNet only has one hundred and thirteen members, not hundreds.”

Beth rolls her eyes with an exaggerated motion. “Yeah, so, you’ve somehow convinced, what, a whole freaking third of a huge group of scared strangers to trust you?”

“A lot of that was Niki and the press team, she’s way better at talking to people th–”

“And you’ve been careful enough and clever enough to keep them and all the information you got from DYAD safe and secure? I can’t even imagine the organization and, and cyber-security and whatever the hell else you put into all this. That you still put in. And look what you’ve done. You’re helping so many people. You found something only you could do, and do it really damn well.”

Mika looks down into her lap, half her face flushed. The raised ridges and swirls of the scarred side are pink, but not as dark. Her shoulders curl in a little, but she doesn’t pull her hand away from Beth’s. If anything, she holds on a little tighter.

“You don’t have to like talking to people to help them. You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” Beth says gently, then pauses as a new thought occurs to her. “Why did you talk to me?”

Mika gives a tiny shrug, eyes still downcast. “You reached out to me. Most people are scared, or suspicious, or hard to talk to, but you were just... honest. You told me exactly what you needed, even if that meant sharing your painful secrets with a stranger. I...” She trails off, looking toward the closed door of Niki’s bedroom. She blinks slowly.

“It reminded me of something Niki said a long time ago. When we first met. We didn’t trust each other at first. But when things got bad, we needed to, and she just... We’d only known each other for a day. She told me a true story that people had called her crazy for, and trusted me to believe her. And when I told her about... my Asperger’s, about being autistic, she just told me something about herself, too, another thing that a lot of people get cruel about when they know. This was back before she came out, too. She was hardly out to herself, then, really. But she told me anyway. ‘Secret for a secret,’ she said.”

“She’s really special to you.” It’s not a question. How could it be, with the sheer softness of love rounding out every syllable and making Mika melt into the couch and into Beth’s shoulder.

“She’s... yes. She’s my family.” Mika looks out the window, and the bright light dances over her nose. “I don’t remember ever having one.”

Beth slings an arm around Mika’s shoulders and smiles as she curls closer into Beth’s side. “Looks like you’re part of a pretty big one, now,” she says, waving a hand at the dozens of photos on the walls circling them.

“I guess so.”

“No need to guess. The evidence is right there. And I’m right here.”

Mika turns those huge eyes on her again. She’s done that multiple times now, even though Beth knows she rarely looks people in the eye. Eye contact is too much, most of the time. She describes it as too intense, too distracting, too intimate. Meeting those eyes – so like Beth’s own, but filled with such a different kind of light – Beth thinks she understands a glimmer of it. If every eye she met were as overwhelmingly expressive as Mika’s, Beth probably wouldn’t meet them all either. It keeps taking her by surprise, coming across their eloquence in an otherwise quiet face. Caught by that gaze, every emotion that lives in it touches Beth. Right now, it’s soft with adoration but shaded with a gradient of doubt. The width and depth of Mika’s eyes reveal a clear view of a vulnerable, aching, healing heart that spent eleven years starving for the love it needs and still hasn’t forgotten the famine.

It might be breaking Beth’s heart. No wonder Niki is always showering her with hugs and kind words and gentle hands on rounded shoulders. Maybe one of these days, Mika will have spent long enough finally getting to soak up all that affection that she won’t look at Beth like this when she says the simple truth.

“Hey. Here I am. Really.” Beth’s voice is a little choked up. She pulls Mika into a proper hug with both arms. Mika squeaks in surprise at being squeezed so emphatically, but returns it all the same. God, but she gives the best hugs of anyone Beth’s ever met. All contact and even, firm pressure and steadiness. “It’s so damn good to see you. I can’t believe you’re...” real, Beth thinks but doesn’t say. I can’t believe I didn’t imagine you. I can’t believe you’re just as kind as your words. I can’t believe how good it feels to be around you. “I can’t believe I’m really here.”

Mika doesn’t say anything. For a moment, one of her hands leaves Beth’s back to fiddle with something, then comes back to give her a little squeeze that Beth returns.

Beth’s phone buzzes a notification behind her on the little glass-top table next to the couch. The table’s wooden base is a round blob carved into the shape of a very fluffy and very ugly sheep with curly horns. Beth’s arms loosen from their embrace as she turns to look at it, bemused. No one but Mika really messages her except for her mom. But if it’s morning here, it’s about time for bed at home. She checks it, just to be sure she’s okay.

But it’s not from her mom.

Mika reaches out to gently grasp her forearm again as Beth shoots her a quizzical look and opens the message.

3mika: I'm glad you're here.

Beth's heart quails.

To think, that her darker days might have kept her from ever being in this moment. Beth might never have gotten to this point, hurt but healing and here. Here, she's seven time zones and an ocean away from the cycle of pain she grew up in, barely aware she needed to escape. She might well feel safer right here in this crossroads of time and place than she has at any other in her entire life. It's a realization that's as humbling as it is nourishing.

Already, the distance this journey has taken her has given her so much perspective. She wasn’t sure, before, whether the work she’s been considering was just a response to what she’s been through – or just a way for the cycle to keep her within its spiral. But she’s seen what Mika can do, what Beth could do one day, if she keeps on.

It won’t be easy. She’ll go back, and deep-seated memories will try to drag her back into small dark places. But being here, even for only a few hours, has already changed her. She can change, and she can grow, and she is already tapping into new strengths that her past has yet to reckon with. She is here, right now, in spite of all of it. And today is not a dark day.

“Me too, Mika. I’m glad to be here, too.” Beth’s tongue stumbles over the name, because she’s never said it out loud before, only read it on a screen.

Surprise sends Mika’s eyebrows up and her eyes wide again, like she’s never heard it before, either. Maybe she hasn’t. She tilts her head again like a question, touching her ear and looking at Beth.

Beth grins. “Mika.” A smile blooms on that curious face, lighting it up. She’s the one who pulls Beth into a hug this time, and it’s both fierce and soft. When she lets go, she leans into Beth’s side again and they stay like that, arms over shoulders and comfortably curled up together, soaking in the warmth of each other’s presence like leaves drink in light. The simple sweetness and companionship of it soothes Beth’s heart, seeking its way into the aching crevices. It’s an odd feeling, both seeping inward and flowing outward, trickling all the way through her until it warms her cold toes in a way that feels both new and strangely familiar.

A long, sleepy yawn announces that Niki’s awake now, too. Soon, she comes out of her room stretching her arms over her head. Mika reaches a hand out toward her to wave in greeting, though she leaves the other arm draped over Beth’s shoulders. Niki smiles at them. That kind smile, too, adds to the warmth washing through Beth. Her feet practically itch with it, and with a growing sensation of déja vu. She fidgets her toes against the floor as Niki walks over to brush Mika’s outstretched hand like a touchstone.

“How'd you sleep? Isn’t that couch the comfiest?” she says to Beth.

“Well, I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I still slept better than I have in years.”

Niki turns her sunny smile on Beth. “Good to hear it. Weird, though, I nap there all the time and my neck’s always fine. Huh. Anyway, I think I might make waffles. You two want some breakfast?”

Mika nods, but doesn’t let go of Beth yet. Beth is lost in thought, trying to remember what that light, floating feeling in her feet reminds her of.

“Sweet.” Niki ambles toward the kitchen and bends down with pursed lips to peer at the fern perched on the counter. “Hmm. You still look a little pale. Let’s get you some more sun.” She brings the plant over to the living room and is fussing over settling it on the sheep table when it clicks for Beth. A physical memory washes over her, for once welcome. She lets it fill her, refreshing like a deep breath of cold morning air her lungs are suddenly hungry for. She flexes her calves and ankles, her legs remembering the joy and freedom of stride and strike. Her bones are finally recalling how they once carried her with ease, even while they're adjusting to the new weight of who she's become. Fully alive again for at least this moment, her soles are practically prickling with the desire to eat up ground.

“How about you, Beth? Do you like waffles?” Niki asks, fluffing the fern’s crinkly green leaves. Mika squeezes her shoulder.

Beth grins and plants steady feet on the blue rug in front of the couch. “Save a few for me? I think I might actually go for a run first.”