#god maria i love you forever and ever and ever

[inannasdream]

i try not to judge ppl for their favorite or least favorite characters and for the most part i don't but ushiromiya maria is one of those characters where im like, if u hate her for being annoying or creepy im def judging u. pls be nice to autistic kids internet challenge impossible 😔

[oceandolores]

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫 | series

Dbf! Joel Miller x female reader

"𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦."

summary: In the small town near Austin, Texas, you are trapped in a life of rigid expectations and silent suffering. As the preacher's daughter, you endure the mental and physical abuse of your father while your mother, bound by obedience, offers quiet love. Your longing for a father's warmth finds an unexpected solace in Joel Miller, your father's best friend and neighbor. In Joel's presence, you discover a forbidden sanctuary, where your yearning heart is met with a gentle strength you've never known.

warnings: 18+ only, Minors DNI, AU, No outbreak. (TW) mentions of substance abuse/alcohol use disorder, adult content, religion abuse, violence, blood gore, mentions of death, sexual abuse, sexual content, domestic violences, ped0ph!l1a, cann1bal!sm, human traff1ck1ng, dad's best friend!Joel, HUGE age gap (i will not specify her exact age, but she's legal and Joel is 49), daddy issues, mentions of toxic family dynamic, Joel is widowed, Ellie is 16, angst, smut A LOT, forbidden relationship, soft and protective Joel, innocent and pure reader. your last name is Gibson. any other details will be explain throughout the story. inspired by the album Preacher's daughter by Ethel Cain and also mix with lana del rey vibes.

CHAPTER 1

masterlist of the series!

next | chapter 2

The Texas sun had a way of casting long, dramatic shadows across the sprawling landscape, painting the world in hues of gold and amber. In small town near Austin, the heat clung to everything, wrapping the town in a sweltering embrace that seemed to slow time itself. You, a preacher's daughter on the cusp of graduation, trapped in the rigid confines of a life dictated by faith and fear.

Your father, Reverend Gibson, was a towering figure in the community, his voice booming from the pulpit every Sunday, filling the church with sermons about sin and salvation. To the congregation, he was a man of God, a beacon of righteousness. But within the walls of your home, he was a tyrant. His heavy hand and harsh words left marks not just on your skin, but deep within your soul. Your mother, ever the obedient wife, offered what little comfort she could, but her love was a quiet, subdued thing, overshadowed by her fear of defying your father.

The Millers lived just a few houses down, their home a testament to both prosperity and tragedy. Joel Miller was your father’s best friend from high school, a bond forged in the fires of youth but strained by the paths they had chosen. While your father found his calling in the church, Joel built a successful construction business with his younger brother, Tommy.

Joel and Tommy not live far from each other, while your house is just one house away from Joel, Tommy is a few houses down from Joel's.

The Miller brothers were well-known and respected in the community, their work evident in the many buildings that dotted the town.

Joel’s life had been forever altered by a single, devastating moment. He had lost his wife and daughter in a car accident, an accident where he had been behind the wheel. The guilt of their deaths weighed heavily on him, a burden he carried in the lines of his face and the shadows in his eyes.

Since that tragic day, he had distanced himself from the church, finding solace instead in his work and in raising his adopted daughter, Ellie. Joel has adopted Ellie when she was only 10 years old with the help of Tommy.

At 16, Ellie was a spirited girl, one of your juniors at school. She attended church every Sunday with her uncle Tommy, her presence a reminder of the Millers’ lingering faith.

Tommy, married to Maria, had recently welcomed a baby boy into their family. The joy of new life was a stark contrast to the sorrow that had marked Joel’s existence. The Millers were a close-knit family, their bonds of loyalty and love a stark contrast to the fractured and tense environment of your own home.

You had known the Millers your entire life, their presence a constant thread in the fabric of your existence. Yet, as you stood on the brink of adulthood, your interactions with them took on a new significance. Your father’s sermons about the dangers of straying from the path of righteousness echoed in your mind, but so did your longing for something more, something real and tangible.

It was just another Sunday, and you were helping your dad with the after-service fellowship. The congregation mingled in the church hall, sharing coffee and pastries, their voices a low hum of conversation and laughter. You moved through the crowd with a tray of refreshments, offering smiles and polite nods, your mind elsewhere.

The Sunday service had been like any other, filled with hymns, prayers, and your father’s booming voice delivering his sermon. Today, he had spoken about temptation and the perils of straying from God’s path, his words heavy with the weight of his own fervent belief. As always, you felt the eyes of the congregation on you, the preacher’s daughter, the living example of his teachings.

You couldn’t help but glance towards the back of the room, where Tommy and Ellie stood, their presence a rare but welcome sight. Joel, as expected, was absent, his appearances in church growing increasingly sporadic since the accident.

Your thoughts kept drifting to Joel Miller. It had been years since the tragedy that had claimed his wife and daughter, leaving an indelible mark on him, transforming a once regular churchgoer into a haunted, reclusive figure.

You didn't really know or remember Joel's wife and daughter. Sarah Miller had been much older than you, and she passed away when you were only five. The memories you had of them were hazy at best, a blur of faces and voices that you couldn’t quite place.

Ellie caught your eye and waved, her smile bright and genuine. You waved back, feeling a pang of longing for the carefree spirit she embodied. She was one of the few people in your life who treated you like a normal person, not just the preacher’s daughter.

After the service, as the crowd began to thin, you found yourself gravitating towards Tommy and Ellie. Tommy, ever the warm and approachable figure, greeted you with a smile. “Hey, kiddo. How’ve you been?”

You returned his smile, the tension in your shoulders easing slightly. “I’m good, Tommy. How’s Maria and the baby?”

Tommy’s face lit up with pride. “They’re great. Little Luke’s growing like a weed. Maria’s over the moon, of course.”

Ellie nudged you playfully. “You should come over and meet him sometime. He’s the cutest.”

You laughed softly. “I’d love that.”

Tommy’s expression grew more serious as he glanced around the room. “How’s your dad doing with all the church activities? Keeping busy?”

You nodded, forcing a smile. “Yeah, he’s always got something going on. Keeps him out of trouble, I guess.”

Tommy chuckled. “Good to hear. Your family always looks so put together. It’s impressive, really.”

You shrugged, trying to brush off the compliment. “We just try to do our best.”

As you continued chatting, the weight on your shoulders seemed to lighten, if only for a moment. Ellie shared stories about school, her infectious laughter bringing a smile to your face.

“So, any plans after graduation?” Ellie asked, her eyes twinkling with curiosity.

You hesitated, the uncertainty of your future looming large. “I’m not sure yet. I’ve been thinking about college, but it’s complicated.”

Tommy’s expression grew serious again. “You should follow your dreams, kid. Don’t let anything hold you back.”

You nodded, grateful for their support. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, Tommy.”

As you chatted with Tommy and Ellie, you couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. Glancing around, you caught your father’s stern gaze from across the room. His eyes were a silent warning, a reminder of your place and the expectations that came with it.

Excusing yourself, you slipped out of the church hall, needing a moment of solitude. Your dad won't notice you are gone a little, your job has been taken by your mom.

The Texas heat hit you as soon as you stepped outside, the late afternoon sun casting long shadows across the gravel parking lot. You decided to walk, the streets feeling empty because everyone was still in church. As you walked aimlessly, your mind whirled with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

You found yourself drawn towards the lake behind the church and the town, a place far enough to avoid everyone. The lake and the surrounding forest were comforting, a sanctuary from the oppressive atmosphere of your home.

Looking around to ensure you were alone, you carefully pulled out your cigarettes and lit one, taking a long drag. Your parents never knew you were quite a smoker, especially your father. If he ever found out, the repercussions would be severe, his wrath swift and unrelenting. The thought of his anger made you shudder.

You decided to sit by the old fallen tree near the lake. It was very quiet, the only sounds were the rustling of leaves and the gentle lapping of water against the shore. You loved to come here every chance you got, a hidden escape from the prying eyes and harsh judgments of your daily life. As you exhaled a cloud of smoke, you heard a rustling sound in the underbrush.

Startled, you quickly put out your cigarette and looked up. Emerging from the trees was Joel, a hunting rifle slung over his shoulder. Your heart pounded in your chest as you met his gaze. "Joel?" you stammered, hoping he hadn’t noticed the cigarette.

He looked at you, then at the still-smoking cigarette butt near your feet. His expression was unreadable, but you felt a wave of fear. What if he told your father?

Joel approached, his steps slow and deliberate. "Didn’t expect to see you out here," he said, his voice as gruff as ever.

You swallowed hard, trying to keep your voice steady. "I… I just needed some air."

Joel’s eyes flicked to the cigarette again. "That why you’re hiding out here? To smoke?"

You bit your lip, the truth hanging heavily between you. "Please don’t tell my dad," you whispered, the desperation clear in your voice.

Joel sighed, his expression softening slightly. "Your secret’s safe with me," he said finally, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Relief flooded through you, and you nodded gratefully. "Thank you,"

As you stood up, brushing off the dirt and bits of wood that had stained your dress, you noticed Joel's gaze lingering on the rifle in his hand and the heavy boots caked with mud.

"You didn’t come to church today," you said, your curiosity overcoming your apprehension. You had noticed his absence with the frequency that had become almost routine over the years.

He glanced at you, the stern lines of his face softening slightly. “Yeah, I’ve been... busy,” he replied, his tone clipped and noncommittal.

You took in the sight of him, his rugged appearance a stark contrast to the tidy, polished look of the other churchgoers. The rifle and the muddy boots seemed to tell a story of their own, a story that was far removed from the neat rows of pews and the polished wooden floors of the church.

“You know, Father always says that you used to come every Sunday,” you said, trying to sound casual. “He misses you at church. Everyone does.”

Joel’s expression hardened again, the hint of vulnerability disappearing behind his usual reserve. “Yeah, well, things change,” he said tersely, his gaze fixed on the horizon. “People change.”

You wanted to press further, to understand what had driven him away, but you knew better than to push too hard. Joel was a man of few words, his emotional landscape a guarded territory. You had seen it in the way he interacted with Ellie, the way he kept his distance, the way he seemed to be perpetually battling some invisible storm.

"Are you okay?" you asked quietly, your concern slipping through despite your efforts to remain detached.

Joel’s eyes met yours, and for a moment, you saw a flicker of something raw and unspoken. He shook his head, as if to clear the thoughts from his mind. "Just trying to get by, same as anyone," he said gruffly. “Out here, it’s a little easier to do that.”

You nodded, accepting his answer even if it left many questions unanswered. The silence between you stretched, filled only with the distant chirping of birds and the gentle rustling of leaves.

Joel shifted, breaking the silence. “What are you doing out here anyway? It’s quite a trek from town. This place isn’t exactly safe, you know.” His tone was a mixture of concern and curiosity, revealing a sliver of his protective nature.

You sighed, glancing around the lake and forest. “I needed a break. Just... needed to be away from everything for a bit. It’s peaceful here." You looked at Joel, your eyes subtly asking if it was okay to continue smoking.

Joel noticed your look but chose not to comment immediately. Instead, he took a few steps closer, his boots crunching softly on the gravel. You took that as an invitation and sat down under a large tree near the lake, patting the grass beside you.

“Feel free to join me if you want,” you offered, your voice light despite the heaviness of the situation.

Joel hesitated for a moment before sitting down next to you. His presence was a grounding force, even if he wasn’t the most expressive. He glanced at the cigarette pack you had placed on the grass between you.

“Want one?” you offered, extending the pack towards him.

Joel shook his head with a faint, rueful smile. “Nah, I’m good. I’m not sure it’s right to be smoking in front of you.”

You laughed softly, shaking your head. “I thought you of all people wouldn’t judge me for it.”

Joel chuckled, a rare, genuine sound. “Yeah, well, I guess I’m a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to that. I’ve had my share of bad habits.”

You nodded, accepting his refusal. “How are you, Joel? I don’t see you much,” you said, your curiosity evident. It was true; Joel had been increasingly distant from the people in your town, retreating into a shell of his own making.

He met your gaze briefly, a flicker of something you couldn’t quite place crossing his features. “Just... getting by. Working hard, dealing with stuff. Not much else to it.”

There was a weariness in his voice that spoke of battles fought silently and wounds healed only with time. It was clear that the years had not been kind to Joel, even if he tried to mask it behind a facade of rugged determination.

You sensed that pushing further wouldn’t get you anywhere. Joel was not one to open up easily, and you could see that the topic of his feelings was closed off. You decided to shift the conversation, sensing that it was best to focus on something lighter.

"How’s school?” he asked, his tone shifting to something slightly more personal but still restrained. “Almost done, right?”

You nodded, a smile touching your lips despite the lingering tension. “Yeah, I’m just a few months away from graduating. It’s been a whirlwind, but I’m looking forward to it.”

“That’s good to hear,” Joel replied, giving a slight nod. “High school’s a big deal. A lot changes after that.”

You shifted slightly, tucking your legs beneath you as you sat on the grass. “It is. It feels like the end of one chapter and the start of another.” You took a deep drag from your cigarette, the smoke curling around you in the still air. Exhaling slowly, you continued, “I just want to get out of here.”

Joel’s gaze, always direct, fixed on you. He didn’t speak immediately, allowing the weight of your words to settle between you. He shifted his weight, leaning slightly on the rifle, his hands still coated in the grime of the day’s work. “Yeah?” he finally said, his tone soft but edged with curiosity. “Where do you want to go?”

You looked out over the lake, its calm surface reflecting the last rays of the sun. “Anywhere but here,” you said with a sigh. “I want to leave this town, start fresh somewhere new. I’ve been dreaming about it for a long time.”

Joel watched you silently for a moment, his expression unreadable. “Sometimes getting out can seem like the only way to find something better,” he said slowly. “But it ain’t always as simple as it sounds.”

You took another drag from your cigarette, the ember glowing brightly as you exhaled. “I know it’s not that simple,” you said quietly. “But it feels like I’m suffocating here. I just need... something different. Something real.”

Joel’s eyes narrowed slightly, his gaze not unkind but keenly observant. There was a protective instinct in him that had always been there, even when you were much younger. He sensed there was more to your words than just a desire to leave town. The carefully constructed façade of normalcy that your family projected wasn’t lost on him, though he had never delved into the specifics of your home life.

“You know,” Joel began, his voice taking on a slightly softer tone, “sometimes people want to leave for reasons that go beyond what they’re willing to say. It’s one thing to want a new place, but it’s another to be running from something.”

You stiffened slightly, the cigarette now nothing more than a stub between your fingers. You were careful not to let your emotions betray you. “It’s not just about running away,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady. “It’s about finding a place where I can breathe.”

Joel nodded, his gaze steady. “And you think you’ll find that out there?”

“I hope so,” you said. “I just need to get out and find out for myself. It’s been hard to see beyond this place.”

Joel shifted his weight, leaning on his rifle. His rugged face, often set in lines of stoicism, now bore a hint of concern. “You know, I’ve seen a lot of folks runnin’ away from what they don’t want to face. Sometimes they find what they’re lookin’ for, sometimes they don’t. But it’s dangerous out there for someone who’s not ready.”

You looked at him, sensing the genuine concern behind his words. “I’m ready,” you said softly. “I’ve been ready for a long time.”

Joel studied you for a moment longer, his fatherly instincts kicking in. He could see the innocence in your eyes, the quiet strength that belied your troubled soul. He had been a father before, and he knew what it was like to want to protect someone from the harsh realities of the world.

But then, with a shift in his demeanor, Joel decided it wasn’t his business to involve himself further. He cared for you, that much was clear, but he also knew his boundaries. His expression hardened slightly, a testament to his tendency to keep people at a distance. 

“Look,” he said gruffly, his Southern accent thickening his words, “it’s not my place to get too involved in this. You’re gonna have to handle things your way.” His tone was direct, carrying the weight of a man who had learned to let his actions speak louder than his words.

Despite the coldness in his voice, there was a flicker of tenderness in his eyes, a brief glimpse of the protective instincts that lingered beneath his guarded exterior. Joel operated in a morally gray area, making decisions that were often difficult and controversial, and he understood the complexities of navigating a world where right and wrong were not always clear.

He wanted to help, but his experience had taught him that sometimes the best way to show care was to step back and allow others to find their own way.

“You know,” Joel said, shifting the topic slightly, “Ellie talks about you sometimes. Says you’re smart, and she admires you for stickin’ it out. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, but she looks up to you. So, if there’s ever a time you need someone to talk to, or if you just need a friend, don’t hesitate to reach out. I may not be the best at this whole ‘talkin’’ thing, but I’m here if you need me.”

You appreciated his attempt to offer support, even if it came in a roundabout way. “Thanks, Joel. It’s nice to know that someone cares,” you said, smiling as you put out the cigarette.

Joel watched you with a mixture of concern and curiosity, as if weighing whether to press further. You could see that he was struggling with how much to say, his usual reserve at odds with the genuine warmth he was trying to convey.

“Well,” you said, glancing at the fading light, “I should head back to the church before Dad notices I’m gone.”

Joel shifted his stance, a hint of hesitation in his eyes. “You sure you don’t want a ride back? It’s a long walk, and it’s gettin’ dark.”

You shook your head, feeling a pang of guilt for declining his offer. “I appreciate it, Joel, but I don’t want to trouble you. I can manage the walk.”

Joel’s brow furrowed, and he gave a firm nod. “It ain’t no trouble. It’s just a ride. Besides, I’d rather make sure you get back safely.”

His insistence made you feel slightly uncomfortable, but you also recognized his sincerity. Raised to be polite and considerate, you found it difficult to refuse when someone was being genuinely helpful.

“Alright,” you said reluctantly, “if you insist. Thank you.”

Joel nodded, his face softening a bit as he walked over to his truck. The vehicle was old but reliable, with a rugged appearance that matched Joel’s own. He opened the passenger side door for you, gesturing for you to get in.

As you climbed into the truck, Joel got into the driver’s seat and started the engine. The interior was a mix of practical and worn, with a faint smell of leather and earth. Joel drove with a steady, practiced hand, the truck rumbling over the uneven terrain as he navigated the path back to town.

The silence in the truck was comfortable, with only the sound of the engine and the occasional rustle of the trees breaking it. You stared out the window, the fading sunlight casting a warm glow over the landscape. You could feel the weight of the day’s conversations settling in, and the quiet offered a moment of reflection.

After a few minutes, the truck rolled into town, the familiar sights coming into view. Joel slowed as he approached the church, where you could see the remaining congregants beginning to disperse.

Joel pulled up to the curb and stopped the truck. "We're here."

"Thank you once again, Joel. It’s good catching up with you," you said, giving him a grateful smile. Just as you were about to step out of the truck, you spotted your father from a distance. A sinking feeling washed over you as you realized he had seen you.

“Oh no,” you muttered, catching Joel’s eye. He turned to see your father walking towards the truck, a determined look on his face.

Joel, ever the gentleman, exited the truck as well. You followed suit, feeling a knot tighten in your stomach. Your father, who had been conversing with some church members, excused himself and made his way towards you and Joel.

“Evening, Reverend,” Joel greeted, extending a hand.

“Evening, Joel,” your father said with his usual charming demeanor, shaking Joel’s hand firmly. “It’s been a while. I hope you’ve been well.”

Joel’s expression was polite but reserved. “Can’t complain. Been keeping busy.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” your father replied smoothly. “You know, we’ve missed you at church. It would be good to see you back.”

Joel gave a noncommittal nod, his discomfort barely masked. “Maybe sometime.”

As your father turned his attention to you, his smile faltered slightly. “And where have you been, young lady? You were supposed to help with the service.”

You flinched at the stern tone, feeling his grip tighten around your arm as he spoke. “I was just taking a walk, Dad. Joel gave me a ride back.”

Your father’s grip was rough and unyielding, his fingers digging into your arm with a strength that was both painful and controlling. Joel noticed, his gaze briefly flicking to your father’s hand before returning to his face.

“Is that right?” your father said, his voice carrying a hint of disapproval. “Well, I hope you weren’t gone too long. We have responsibilities.”

"Yes, I'm sorry, father." You said smile a little to hide the pain he's causing you.

Joel cleared his throat, attempting to steer the conversation away from the tension. “I’m just making sure she gets back safe."

“Of course,” your father said, releasing your arm but maintaining a veneer of politeness. “We have a dinner invitation from Tommy and Maria next Saturday. I trust you’ll be joining us?”

Joel looked momentarily surprised. “Well, I'm supposed I am,"

Your father’s smile widened, a glint of satisfaction in his eyes. “Yes, they extended the invitation to our family. It will be good to catch up.”

Joel nodded, his expression neutral. “I’ll have to check with Ellie, but I’m sure we’ll make it.”

“Excellent,” your father said, still maintaining his charming facade. “It’ll be good for everyone to reconnect.”

As the conversation continued, Joel’s discomfort grew. He noticed the strain in your father’s demeanor and the way he seemed to be masking a more sinister undertone behind his polite words. Joel had been out of the social loop for a while, but he was perceptive enough to sense when something was off, even if he chose not to probe further.

“Well,” Joel said, his tone shifting to one of finality, “I better be on my way. Got some things to take care of. It was good seeing you again, Reverend. And you too,” he added, offering you a brief, reassuring smile.

You gave him a grateful nod, feeling a mixture of relief and apprehension. “Thank you, Joel."

Joel, giving one last nod before turning to leave. As he walked away, you could feel the weight of the evening’s encounters settling heavily on your shoulders. The brief respite you’d found in Joel’s company had been overshadowed by the return of your father’s control and the unsettling realization that your escape from this small town and its complexities might be more challenging than you had hoped.

After the Sunday service, you returned home with a heavy heart. The warmth of the day had turned cold, and the familiar feeling of dread settled over you as you approached the house. Inside, the tension was palpable, and the moment you walked through the door, you knew there would be consequences for your absence during the service.

Your father’s voice was stern and unforgiving as he called you into the living room. “You’ve abandoned your duties. Do you have any idea what that means?”

You tried to explain, but his anger cut you off. “I was just trying to get some fresh air, Dad. I didn’t mean—”

Before you could finish, he was on you, grabbing your arm with a grip that left no room for argument. He dragged you to the center of the room, his face a mask of fury. “You’ve abandoned your duty. It’s about respect and responsibility. You know how important this is.”

“No, please, Dad, don’t. I’m so sorry. I will not do it again,” you pleaded, your voice trembling.

The fear in your voice only seemed to fuel his anger. He disappeared into the hallway, returning with his belt in hand. The leather looked menacing, and your heart raced as you saw it.

“Please, Dad, I’m sorry,” you continued to beg. “I didn’t mean to disobey. I’ll make it right. Just please—”

Your father’s face was a mask of cold determination. “Take off your dress and face the wall,” he ordered, his voice steely. “You needs to be taught a lesson.”

You could barely keep your composure as you undressed, your body shaking with fear and dread. The scars on your back from a previous punishment throbbed with anticipation. When you were finally positioned with your back to him, every nerve in your body was on edge.

The first crack of the belt was sharp and painfully immediate. The sound echoed through the room, followed by a searing pain that made you flinch. You cried out, tears streaming down your face. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” you sobbed, your voice breaking with each cry of pain.

You could feel the belt cutting into your already tender skin, the sensation of bleeding mixing with the agony of the blows. Each strike felt like a betrayal of your trust, a reminder of the harsh world you were trapped in.

Your mother stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her face pale and tear-streaked. She wanted to intervene, but fear held her back. She could only watch helplessly as you were punished, her own sobs mingling with your cries of pain.

In a desperate attempt to mask the sounds of the abuse from the neighbors, she turned the gospel music up loud, hoping the noise would cover your screams and your father’s harsh words.

The music blared in the background, a twisted contrast to the suffering in the room. It felt like a cruel mockery, the joyous hymns clashing with the reality of your punishment. Your mother’s tears fell silently as she stood by, unable to offer more than the muted comfort of her presence.

As the beating continued, your strength waned. The pain was overwhelming, a relentless reminder of the control your father exerted over every aspect of your life. You could only endure, hoping for it to end soon, each moment stretching out painfully as you clung to the hope that this would be the last of such torment.

When he finally stopped, you were left huddled on the floor, your body aching and your spirit broken. Your father’s anger subsided, leaving him with a cold, resolute expression. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson,” he said gruffly, his voice devoid of empathy. “Disobedience won’t be tolerated.”

Your mother rushed to your side as soon as your father left the room, her hands trembling, “I’m so sorry,” she whispered through her tears, her voice filled with sorrow and helplessness.

You looked at her through blurred vision, your own tears mingling with hers. “I—It's okay, mama." you said weakly, your voice strained and shaky. “It’s my fault."

She helped you put your dress back on, her fingers brushing gently over the raw marks on your skin, causing you to wince. Each movement was a reminder of the pain you were enduring.

As you slowly gathered your strength, your mother helped you to a nearby chair, her hands still shaking. She sat beside you, her presence a small but comforting anchor in the storm of your emotions. The music from the kitchen blared on, a cruel backdrop to the quiet moments of shared sorrow between mother and daughter.

In the midst of the pain and turmoil, there was a flicker of hope that someday, somehow, you might find a way out of the darkness. For now, though, you could only cling to the small comforts and the hope that things might one day be different.

[punkshort]

look what we've become - ch.1

Chapter Summary: Tommy asks for your help proposing to Maria, causing both you and Joel to reflect on your own relationship.

Chapter Warnings: language, mentions of alcohol, fear of commitment, smut (18+ MDNI), fingering, oral (f receiving), p in v unprotected sex, dirty talk

WC: 6.1K

Series masterlist | Next Chapter

A/N: hi everyone! if you're new and didn't read the first story, this follows a slightly different timeline. Essentially, Joel and Tommy had a very successful construction business in NYC and reader worked for them pre-outbreak, so I've written in this story a slightly younger version of Joel given the timeline.

Thank you to everyone who loved the first one so much that it encouraged me to write a sequel! I really hope you like it, and I want to emphasize there will be a happy ending to this story. Thanks for reading!

June 2007

"Can't thank you enough for your help, darlin'," Tommy said, his voice trying and failing to hide the anxiety that plagued his mind.

"Don't mention it," you told him, finishing up the final touches on the bouquet of flowers, wrapping a beautiful satin ribbon around the stems before handing it over. "What's the occasion?"

"I'm gonna ask her to marry me," he blurted out, and your hands instantly flew to your mouth, covering your excited gasp.

"Tommy!" you squealed, bouncing on the balls of your feet, trying to contain your energy before giving up and rounding your workstation to wrap your arms around him, being mindful not to crush the flowers he was holding. "I'm so happy for you, oh my god!"

"Well, thanks, but she ain't agreed, yet," he said, running a shaky hand through his long hair.

"She's going to say yes, don't be silly," you told him, a smile permanently etched on your face. You and Maria have been close friends ever since you met three years ago. You considered her to be your closest friend in Jackson, and you were thrilled at the idea of your best friend about to experience the happiest moment of her life. Tommy had come a long way from the man you knew before the outbreak, his days of chasing every girl that tossed him a smile long behind him.

"So, how are you going to do it?" you asked excitedly as he shifted back and forth on his feet. He paused and flicked his eyes up.

"Uh," he said, growing shifty. "Well, I dunno. Do I gotta plan somethin'?"

"Yes!" you said, rolling your eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously.

"Well, shit, I didn't think that far ahead!" he exclaimed, turning to pace around the greenhouse.

"Don't stress, we'll figure something out," you assured him, scooting back so you could lift your hips and sit on your workstation tabletop. "Did you find a ring?"

"Yeah, I got that, at least," he said, his shoulders relaxing a bit as he dug it out of his pocket. You plucked it from his fingers carefully so you could get a better look at the three round, shiny diamonds set on the center of a gold band.

"It's perfect," you told him warmly, handing it back. He allowed a small smile as he shoved it back into the safety of his pocket.

"Will you help me figure out how to do it?" he asked.

"Of course I will," you told him. "She doesn't like a fuss. It should be private. Small. Romantic. And you need to come up with something thoughtful to say." He nodded, his gaze traveling to the wall, lost in thought before he shifted his eyes back to you.

"Like what?"

"Tommy! Come on!" you scolded him, shoving his shoulder.

"I ain't good at all that, cut me some slack!" he said with a grin. "I need an example. What would you wanna hear?"

You paused, your smile frozen on your face as you felt your blood run cold. Your smile began to slowly slip as your heart slammed in your chest, anxiety creeping up your neck, ears ringing. Naturally, you were thinking about Joel bending down on one knee, professing his love to you and begging you to be his forever. A thought that should have filled you with warmth, but instead, scared you shitless. And your reaction itself made it even worse. Why would the thought of Joel proposing scare you? You never wanted anyone else. Once you met, it just wasn't a question anymore. You were his, and he was yours. An understanding, it didn't need to be said. So why does the thought of him saying it make you feel like you're falling down an endless hole in the ground?

"Um," you managed to squeak out, but Tommy had already moved on, wrapped up in his own dilemma.

"I think I know what I could say," he said, not noticing your sudden paralysis. "Can you do me a favor, though? Could you round up any candles you ain't usin'? Preferably unscented, don't need the whole place smellin' like a mix of cookies, pine and roses."

"Yeah, of course. I'll look when I get home and bring them over," you mumbled.

"Great, thanks again, darlin'! I'll see you in a bit," he said with a more confident smile, rushing out the door to leave you with your thoughts, your legs swinging mindlessly over the edge of the workstation. The workstation Joel had thoughtfully built for you because he insisted you needed somewhere proper to work in the greenhouse.

And he also broke the only desk you had.

You hung your head, feeling shameful and confused. Why hadn't you ever thought about this before? What would you have done if he proposed and you never sorted out your feelings about marriage? About kids?

"Shit," you whispered, the mere thought of kids making your throat squeeze shut. Bringing a child into this world? He wouldn't want to do that, would he?

Maybe you were getting ahead of yourself. Maybe he felt the same as you. Why change something that's working so well? You both loved each other, what difference did it make? But the devil on your shoulder threw back a counter argument.

If it didn't make a difference, then why didn't you want to do it?

You rubbed the heels of your hands into your eyes aggressively. You really needed to stop making problems out of nothing. This wasn't about you and Joel, it was about Tommy and Maria.

You sighed and made your way down the long aisle towards the door, deciding it was close enough to the end of your shift.

"Hey, I was callin' your name, didn't you hear me?"

You nearly jumped out of your skin and turned around to find Joel leaning against the doorframe of the spare bedroom. He eyed up the half empty box next to you on the floor and looked back at you questioningly.

"No, sorry, guess I was lost in my thoughts or something," you told him, turning back to rifle through the plastic storage tote. Joel took a few steps into the room and sat down on the spare bed, the springs squeaking under his weight.

"What're you thinkin' about?" he asked as he watched you pulling out each candle and giving them a sniff before deciding which pile to add them to.

"Huh?" you asked him, still jumpy from your revelation earlier. "Oh, it's nothing, really." Even to your own ears, the excuse sounded lame, so you weren't surprised when Joel didn't buy it.

"Must be somethin' if it's got you all distracted," he urged you gently. You shook your head and gave him a believing smile.

"No, really, it's nothing. Just thinking about work. I left early today, I'm just thinking about what I need to do tomorrow," you lied as you finished up going through the candles, snapping the plastic tote lid back on and shoving it into the spare closet.

"Why'd you leave early?" Joel asked with his eyebrows knit. "Feelin' okay?"

He's always so thoughtful, so concerned about you. It made the pit in your stomach worsen, the guilt flaring.

"Oh, yeah, fine. I just told Tommy I would get him these extra candles as soon as possible, so I'm gonna head over there real quick," you explained. As you leaned down to pick up the box, Joel's hand shot out to stop you, choosing instead to lift it up himself.

"I can do it," he said, then looked back down at the open box curiously. "Why does he need so many candles?"

"Well," you said, turning to leave the room so your face wouldn't give anything away when you told him. "He's going to propose to Maria. He has some special thing planned, involving candles, I guess. We should probably standby in case he lights the house on fire," you joked over your shoulder as you made your way down to the kitchen. You knew you were rambling a bit, but you hoped Joel didn't pick up on your nervousness.

"He's what?" Joel exclaimed, stopping dead in his tracks in the hallway, still holding the box of candles. You turned your attention towards him again as you leaned against the kitchen counter.

"Yep, he told me today. He asked me to make a bouquet for him at work," you told him, studying his face carefully. Joel looked stunned as he stared out the window behind you while he processed the information.

"Well, goddamn," he said, finally snapping out of it with a smirk. "I'll take these over so I can give him shit for not tellin' me sooner." He readjusted the box in his arms before he turned around towards the front door, his reaction giving you a bit of relief. He was just happy for his brother, and didn't appear to be overthinking your own relationship, like you couldn't stop doing.

Naturally, you worried about nothing. You were both perfectly content with the way things were. Feeling silly for even being nervous in the first place, you followed him to the front door and stopped him before he left.

"Hey, wait," you said from the door, causing him to turn around just as he was about to descend the stairs. "How about a kiss before you go?"

He grinned and, dropping the box in a chair by the front door, reached forward with both hands to cradle your face and pulled you towards him, his lips pressing firmly against yours. Your fingers gripped the front of his T-shirt as you sighed contentedly against him, his usual scent of gunpowder, sweat and something uniquely him filling your nostrils. You opened your mouth and licked gently at his lips, causing him to smile and slide his tongue alongside yours with a quiet groan while one of his hands released your jaw to get tangled in your hair. He gave your head a gentle tug backwards in an attempt to get you to open your mouth wider, but when a soft moan escaped your lips from the sensation, he felt himself stiffen in his jeans. He pulled you back further so you lost contact and he looked down at your flushed face, his hands still in your hair and on your jaw.

"I'll take these later," he said huskily, nodding to the candles next to the door as he walked you backwards inside the house.

"No, no, you have to take them now," you giggled as his mouth latched onto your neck. "He needs them before Maria gets home." He growled against your skin and begrudgingly pulled away, his eyes raking up and down your body before he stepped backwards.

"Don't move, I'll be back in ten minutes," he told you, grabbing the box and jogging down the steps. You laughed and closed the door behind him, wondering why you let yourself get worked up over nothing. Everything was great between you, you were never more sure of anything in your life. In the back of your mind, you knew you had to figure out why you had such a negative reaction to the thought of marriage in the first place, but you decided to put that off for another day.

"Can't believe you didn't tell me, you little shit," Joel teased with a smirk the minute Tommy swung the door open. He pushed his way into the house and glanced around quickly to make sure Maria wasn't there before turning back to Tommy.

"Heard you needed some mood lighting," Joel said, raising an eyebrow when Tommy ruefully snatched the box from his arms.

"Yeah, thanks," was all Tommy could manage, his nerves getting the best of him the more time passed.

"Nervous or somethin'?" Joel asked his brother as he casually took in the half-done scene he was setting in the living room. Candles were randomly dispersed throughout the room and two empty wine glasses were placed on top of the mantle.

"Yeah, I'm fuckin' nervous, 'course I'm nervous, shit," Tommy said as he raked a hand through his hair and got to work sifting through the box.

"Well, it ain't like she's gonna say 'no'," said Joel in a poor attempt at easing his brother's nerves.

"Don't matter. I gotta do it right. It'll mean a lot to her, she's probably got some fantasy in her head already 'bout how it'll go. I can't screw this up," Tommy said as he pushed past Joel to balance more candles on the bookshelf.

"Nah, you're overthinkin' it, they just like the ring so they can show it off," Joel replied, thinking back briefly to the time when he was engaged before the outbreak. Amy hardly cared about the effort he put into the proposal, but her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw the huge diamond he picked out.

"Oh, brother, you couldn't be more wrong. Your own girl told me I need to do somethin' thoughtful. Somethin' romantic. Shit, you're lucky you got me before you swiped the biggest rock you could find and think that'll be enough to make her happy," Tommy grinned as he nudged Joel's shoulder playfully, making his way back into the kitchen to pick out a bottle of wine.

Joel chewed on his lower lip and cracked his knuckles before scratching his beard, his eyes flicking around the room, lost in thought, while Tommy began to light the candles. Tommy noticed the sudden silence and paused, straightening up and raising an eyebrow at his brother.

"You already got a ring, don't you?"

Joel met his gaze for a moment before clearing his throat and running a hand through his hair.

"I've had it for months," Joel admitted, bringing his thumb and pointer finger up to rub his eyes.

"Holy shit, Joel! Why didn't you say anythin'?" Tommy exclaimed, walking over to clap his brother on the back.

"I don't know. You never said anythin', either," he said with a shrug.

"Well, when are you gonna do it?" Tommy asked, turning back to light the candles, grateful for the distraction.

"Don't know. Never seems like the right time," said Joel as he picked up the bottle of red wine Tommy placed on the mantle, scrutinizing the label. "And it's a good thing, too, seein' as I need to rethink how I'm gonna ask her, apparently."

"Yeah, well, one of these days I can ask Maria for advice, if you want," Tommy said, brushing his palms on the sides of his jeans as he made his way to the window, peering out to make sure she wasn't coming home early. "Least I could do, since I got help from your girl."

"Yeah, maybe," Joel replied as he distractedly ran his palm over his mouth.

"Alright, get the hell out of here, I gotta change and put the flowers in a vase before Maria gets home," Tommy said, pushing Joel towards the front door. He opened the door but Joel paused, turning around quickly and enveloping Tommy in a rare, quick hug.

"Congrats, brother. She's gonna love it," he said, gesturing vaguely around the living room. Tommy grinned and nodded.

"Thanks. Now leave, I mean it," he said, giving Joel a shove. Joel laughed and shook his head.

"I'm leavin', I'm leavin'," he said with a wave over his shoulder. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he made his way slowly down the street.

He was telling Tommy the truth about the ring. He hadn't gone out looking for it, but one day, months ago, when he was on patrol with Eugene, he just happened to see it. They had been exploring an abandoned shopping mall, and when he walked by the jewelry store, he had glanced inside at the broken glass display cases and spotted what he thought was the perfect ring for you. It was an oval diamond set on a delicate, white gold band. He had picked it up and examined it thoughtfully, imagining what it would look like on your finger. He briefly looked at the other choices, and none of the others seemed to resonate with him the way that one did. So he pocketed it before Eugene noticed he was lingering, and hid it in an old shoe he had in the closet when he got home.

When he first came home with the ring, he couldn't stop fantasizing about how he would ask you, what he would say, what you would say. But he hadn't been in any rush to ask, and he hadn't really thought about it much after that, he just knew he wanted to spend his life with you. He had almost forgotten all about it until you told him about Tommy's plan earlier that day. But now that his brother had him thinking about it again, the idea of officially making you his and calling you his wife made him feel excited.

He walked through the front door and kicked his boots off before he made his way down the hallway and into the kitchen, where he saw you drying some plates and putting them away. You glanced over your shoulder when you heard him enter the room before turning back to your task.

"Little longer than ten minutes," you teased. You were drying your hands on the dish towel when his arms snaked around your waist and he buried his face in the back of your neck. You squirmed, his grip loosening so you could turn around and gently circle your arms around his neck. "What took you so long?"

He shrugged and leaned down to press a chaste kiss where your neck met your shoulder.

"Just got to talkin'," he murmured, pressing another kiss in the same spot. You hummed and tilted your head to the side a bit, closing your eyes.

"I was thinking, maybe we should throw them an engagement party," you whispered, trying to stay focused as his lips brushed along your neck, his scruffy beard giving you goosebumps. "I can ask Carrie to help, she loves that kind of thing."

"That'd be nice," he mumbled in agreement, flipping his head in the other direction so he could continue his torture on the opposite side of your neck. "We can have it here."

"Yeah," you sighed as you shifted your weight, trying to ignore the ache growing between you legs. "I thought we could - "

You inhaled sharply when he pinched the skin of your collarbone between his teeth, leaving an angry red mark there. Your fingers found their way into his dark curls, gripping them tightly as your breathing became shallow.

"Hm?" he asked, hiding his smirk against your skin.

"Thought we could do it outside," you mumbled, quickly finishing your thought.

"Whatever you want," he said, his voice gravelly as he pulled you into him roughly, earning a small yelp from you. His lips latched onto yours, softly humming against your mouth, the warm exhale from your nose fanning gently over his face. You pulled away, breaking the kiss as he began slowly walking you backwards towards the stairs, his eyes dark as he stared you down.

"Maybe Julia's class can make decorations. I think Maria would like that," you said breathlessly, gazing up at him, meeting his heated stare. "What do you think?"

Joel gave you half a smirk when the backs of your legs bumped up against the lowest step.

"I think you better get up to bed right now before I toss you over my shoulder and do it myself," he said lowly, sending a shiver down your spine.

A playful grin spread across your face as you turned on your heel and raced up the stairs, Joel following hot on your trail, taking them two at a time.

You barely pushed the bedroom door open before his hands were on you, eagerly skirting over your hips and up your arms before coming to rest on your jaw, cradling your head in his hands tenderly as his tongue slid between your lips, reveling in your warmth. Being with you always felt like home to him, it was where he was always meant to be.

"So beautiful," he mumbled against your mouth before he pressed his lips against yours again, his fingers gripping your head a little tighter, like he was afraid you would float away.

Your fingers deftly worked on undoing his jeans as he continued to walk you towards the bed. Just as you were about to reach below his waistband, he scooped down to pick you up, your legs instinctively wrapping around his hips, clinging to him as he softly placed you both down.

He lifted his head up a fraction to look down at you underneath him, his thumb gently stroking your cheek, looking at you with admiration. His eyes flicked up to the open closet door, the urge to confirm the shoe with the ring in it was still in its rightful place, that you hadn't accidentally found it.

"What is it?" you asked him breathlessly, noticing how his attention had been stolen away. He quickly brought his gaze back down to you with a sly smile.

"Nothin'," he said with a shake of his head, then leaned down to part your lips again with his tongue, curling his fingers along the back of your neck, deepening the kiss with slow, leisurely licks inside your mouth. Your fingers danced over his broad shoulders for a moment before you made your way down his chest and stomach, pausing to gently rake your nails through the coarse hair at the top of his boxers, then plunging down to wrap your hand around his stiff cock.

He groaned softly into your mouth when you gave him a squeeze, his hips shallowly thrusting forward into your hand as you stroked him up and down.

"Slow down," Joel gasped, tearing himself away from your mouth and flexing his fingers around your wrist, stopping you. "Wanna take my time with you tonight," he drawled, taking your hand away and pinning it lightly into the mattress.

"Joel," you whined, lifting your hips up from the bed, frustrated. He tutted and shook his head.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you. You know I always do," he said huskily, his mouth latching onto your neck. "Wanna take care of you for the rest of my life," he added quietly, his voice muffled against your skin and lost in the sounds of your moans. You tipped your head back, your free hand sliding through his thick curls, fingernails raking against his scalp just the way he likes.

He let go of your hand so he could lift your shirt over your head, followed quickly by your bra. Slowly, his eyes swept over your bare chest, his knuckles brushing against your nipple and watching as it perked up in response, then once he was satisfied, did the same to the other.

"So soft," he muttered to himself before diving down and sucking one into his mouth, the tip of his tongue flicking against your nipple before he flattened it against your sensitive skin, licking slow, hot stripes up and down. He lifted his mouth from your skin and blew gently over the wetness his tongue left behind. You gasped at the sensation, your cunt clenching around nothing as he switched sides, giving the same attention to your other breast while his fingers roamed around your waist, then dipped down to squeeze your ass and hips.

You whined his name and tugged on his hair, begging him to touch you, vaguely wondering why he was in the mood to take things so painfully slow, but you were unable to form a coherent thought other than why are my fucking jeans still on?

"Joel, please," you whimpered, pathetically jutting your hips upwards, trying to find friction against him to no avail. He finally released your breast and looked up at you, your chest heaving, hair a mess and your eyes glazed over, already looking completely wrecked. He smirked at the sight and pushed himself up, hovering over you.

"Alright, sweetheart, I'll give you one," he said, much to your relief as his hand came between you to pop open your jeans. He pulled down the zipper and you hooked your thumbs into your belt loops, helping to pull them down as quickly as you could and kicked them off. His eyes glanced down, feeling his cock twitch when saw the dark spot leaking through your panties.

He looped his fingers around the sides of your underwear and pulled them off, then flattened his palms on the insides of your thighs so he could admire the mess he made of you. He ran his middle finger up the length of your seam, testing the waters before dipping inside, marveling at how soaked you were already. His eyes drifted up to your face, mesmerized as you writhed underneath him, your eyes screwed shut and your brows pinched as you focused on his second finger entering your aching cunt.

"Oh, fuck, Joel," you whimpered, snapping your eyes open just to find him already gazing down at you, his eyes dark and filled with want. You rocked your hips forward, trying to make him go faster, but he continued to slowly pump both fingers in and out, in and out, curling his fingertips as he reached inside, brushing against the spot that he knows makes you fall apart.

"That feel better?" he breathed, and you nodded, clutching the sheets in your fist as the fire in your stomach began to burn, the warmth creeping up your chest and neck with every plunge of his fingers. His thumb brushed gently over your clit and you cried out, your body stiffening underneath him as you felt your orgasm steadily approach, your breath coming in short gasps when he finally began to circle the swollen bundle of nerves.

"Faster," you croaked, tipping your head back, but he shook his head and continued his torturous pace.

"It'll feel better this way," he said, and you groaned. "Do you trust me?" he asked, and you brought your head back down so you could look at him again.

"Yes," you whispered, watching as his eyes lit up and a smug grin spread across his face.

"Then let go," he ordered. You inhaled sharply as you felt your walls clench down and your release drip down his fingers, your orgasm slowly ripping through you with a strangled moan. You reached out and grabbed his wrist when it became too much, your body relaxing onto the bed and your eyes fluttering shut.

He slid his fingers out, earning a hiss from you before he popped them into his mouth. You opened your eyes weakly as you watched him suck his fingers, his other hand palming his erection over his jeans and looking down at you panting beneath him, his gaze dark.

"I need more," he murmured as he shimmied down the bed to settle his face between your legs, his hands sliding up your shaky thighs to pin them down to the mattress.

"Wait, Joel," you told him breathlessly. "Too soon, I - it's too much," you said, pulling feebly at his hair. He ignored you, too lost in his own thoughts, the fantasy of making you his and calling you his wife consuming him.

He licked a stripe through your folds, his tongue plunging inside briefly before taking another long, slow drag. You wiggled under his hold with a gasp, your body involuntarily trying to squirm away from overstimulation, but his large hands pinned you down as his tongue probed further inside you.

He knew he was pushing you to your limits, but he couldn't stop. He felt like a man possessed. He alternated between licking and nibbling at your sensitive cunt, trying to avoid your most sensitive area until he knew you could handle it. Only when he finally felt your legs relax under his palms and heard your breathy moans of encouragement did he venture up to press his tongue flat against your clit. Your fingers tugged at his curls, his eyes rolling to the back of his head with a moan. He always loved it when you pulled on his hair. He sucked your clit into his mouth, swirling it around his tongue slowly, trying to drag out the pleasure as long as possible.

Tears pricked the corners of your eyes. The pressure building inside you too intense. You felt like you were vibrating, Joel's expert hands and mouth making your body pulse and thrum, your breaths shallow and sharp.

You tried to say his name, but it came out as a pathetic whimper instead. The way he lapped at your fluttering cunt was making you dizzy. You were hyper aware of how rough his facial hair felt on your raw skin, a stark contrast to how soft his tongue felt on your folds. The muscles in your stomach began to clench as you felt yourself rocketing towards your second orgasm.

Joel felt you twitch under his forearm and knew you were close. He pressed his face further into you, thrusting his hips into the mattress to find some relief while he sucked and nibbled on your swollen clit, your moans morphing into high pitched cries, fingers frantically grasping and slipping through his curls.

Your back arched off the bed, tears trickling down your cheeks as you fell over the edge, your body jerking underneath him while you screamed his name. His hands clutched your legs, trying to keep himself attached as he worked you through it.

He finally pulled back with a gasp when you managed to writhe away, desperate to give your trembling body a break, completely overwhelmed. You each panted for breath as you stared at one another for a moment, your legs still shaking from the aftershock.

"Christ, Joel," you rasped, your voice hoarse as you wiped your tears away with the back of your hand.

"Sorry, sweetheart," he said, running a hand through his hair before wiping his mouth, his gaze softening as he took in your wrecked state. "Can't get enough of you."

"I can see that," you teased, the corners of your mouth turning upwards into a smirk. Your eyes flicked down to his pants, noticing his cock straining painfully against the denim. "Come here," you whispered, beckoning him with your arms. He grinned and quickly pulled his shirt over his head before kicking off his boxers and jeans. He crawled up the bed slowly, hovering over your body. You ran your hands gently over his arms, sending a shiver down his spine, before grasping the back of his neck and pulling him down for a deep kiss. He moaned against your mouth, his lips gently massaging your own while his tongue gave you a taste of your arousal.

"Are you sure you can handle it?" he asked, looking down between your bodies where your hand was directing his cock to your entrance.

"We're gonna find out," you said with a sigh, feeling his thick head notch against you. He pushed forward and you gasped at the familiar sting of being stretched open. Your nails dug into his shoulders as he pressed on, slowing giving you every inch of him before bottoming out with a groan of relief.

"Fuck," he whispered, resting his forehead in the crook of your neck while he took a moment to just appreciate the feel of you. You wiggled your hips slightly underneath him to get more comfortable as your body relaxed and adjusted to his size.

"I'll never get tired of that feeling," you murmured into his hair.

"Hope not," he said, lifting his head up with a smirk. He held your gaze as he slowly dragged his cock in and out, in and out until your head tilted back and your eyes slid shut, your lips parted as you gasped softly each time he pushed back inside. He nibbled tenderly at your jaw, fucking you with deep, long strokes while your legs wrapped tightly around his waist, pulling him closer each time.

"God, you feel so good," you moaned, yanking his face up and kissing him messily, your fingertips digging into his skin. He kept up the slow pace, savoring the feeling of just being close and intimate, while each powerful thrust caused tip of his cock to make contact with the most sensitive spot inside you, stoking the flames and pushing you to the edge.

"Fuck, I love you so fuckin' much, you know that?" he gasped, his lips hovering above your open mouth as he gazed down at you, watching your eyes glaze over with each slow drag, in and out. "D'you - shit - d'you see what you do to me? Huh?" He gripped your jaw when he saw your eyes begin to flutter close, fingers pressing into the soft flesh of your cheeks. "Look at me, sweetheart. Need you to look at me," he begged, his climax quickly approaching but he refused to pick up the pace, enjoying the slow way he was fucking you way too much.

"Yes," you whispered, forcing your eyes open to give him what he needed. He nodded, loosening his grip on your jaw and letting his hand fall limply. He looked down, watching as his cock disappeared inside you and coming back out, coated in your slick. He groaned at the sight and glanced back up at you, your gaze still transfixed on his face, just as he asked.

"Can't believe you're really mine," he muttered to himself in disbelief with a small shake of his head, his eyes roaming over your face and chest. "Can't believe I'm the one that gets to fuck you."

"I'm yours," you whimpered, biting down on your lower lip as you felt your body begin to tense up, like a band ready to snap.

"Yeah?" he asked hopefully, his wide eyes locking back onto yours. He knew you didn't mean it the way he wanted to hear it, that it was just something you said in the heat of the moment, but he didn't care. He allowed himself to have the fantasy, anyway.

"Just you, only you," you babbled, knowing exactly what he liked to hear. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath, fucking into you a little faster now.

"Keep talkin', just like that," he said through gritted teeth, his arms wrapping around your ribs as his hips snapped into you, eliciting a low moan from your throat.

"N-nobody else, all y-yours, only want you," you rambled before the band snapped and your vision went spotty. You cried out and clenched down around him, the intensity of a third orgasm depleting all your energy and almost immediately, your muscles went slack.

"That's right, good girl," Joel said, watching you fall apart under him. "All mine. Mine - mine - mine!" he grunted, each word punctuated with a harsh thrust before pulling out just in time to come all over your stomach, watching in a daze as each burst of his hot spend coated your soft skin.

He collapsed next to you, both struggling to catch your breath. Your arm draped over your eyes and you contemplated falling asleep just like that, not even sure you had the strength to stand anyway. After a moment, he reached over to his nightstand to snatch up a handkerchief, and he gently cleaned you up as your breathing stabilized. Gingerly, he lifted your arm away from your face, brushing his thumb over your cheek, then your swollen lips before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

"Wow," you whispered hoarsely, finally opening your eyes. He chuckled and nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, wow," he said, laying back down next to you. "That was somethin' else," he added, rubbing his palms roughly over his face.

You rolled onto your side, wincing at the soreness in your legs and hips already, and draped an arm across his body.

"Where did all that come from?" you asked sleepily, nuzzling your face into his chest. He shrugged.

"Don't know," he lied as he rubbed small circles across your back. You hummed, accepting his response without a second thought. His eyes drifted back over to the closet briefly before reaching over and turning off the light, tugging the sheets over your bodies and resuming the circles on your back until he heard your breathing slow, confirming you were asleep.

He stared in the dark at the ceiling, thinking about how and when he should ask you to marry him. He didn't want to take away from Tommy and Maria, so he figured he should put it off for a while, but that didn't stop him from closing his eyes that night and dreaming about what it would be like to be your husband.

Tag List: @chiogarza, @sparklejumpropequeen-777, @shotgun-shelby @partyofone3413 @nana90azevedo @ninaminaromina @untamedheart81 @taz-97 @nastiasnow - lmk if I missed anyone or if you want to be removed

[morbidlcve]

loml.

pairings: natasha x reader

cw: mentions of death, mental health, red room.. i think that's it?

word count: 3.9k!

(based off the song loml by taylor swift)

summary: Yours and Natasha’s life all the way up to endgame

The first time you two met, you knew that she was the one for you. Her rare smile had the power to light up the room. You were another Hill, coming to drop Maria’s keys off for her after borrowing her car to move some furniture into your new apartment on 6th Street. You had been arguing with the guard outside the building, who wasn’t entirely convinced you were related to the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. 

“Hey, Maria needs her keys; she needs to go run some errands for Fury”, you heard a voice call to you, opening the door. Her red hair was the first thing you noticed about her, and it quickly became your favourite thing about her: the styles in which she wears it, the softness of the strands and the freedom it shows she has. “Thank you”, you mutter to her, entering the building and leaving a gagged guard at the doorway.

Who’s gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames?

If we know the steps anyway.  

“I’m Natasha,” she tells you, pressing the elevator button to take you up to your sister. “ Y/N,” you say, smiling softly. You were taken instantly; you wanted to know more; you needed to know more. The universe seemed to be on your side that day because Natasha soon asked you for coffee, to which you stuttered an embarrassing confirmation, which made her smile fondly. 

A month later, after little dates and nights together at your apartment, you were invited to the tower to watch a film with Natasha and have dinner with her family. Things went well; you instantly connected with the thunder god. He was silly and made you laugh, but he also seemed more than just the fun guy everyone seemed to know. Everyone was taken by you and asked you questions about your work, where you were from and what your childhood was like; you answered them all. 

Natasha watched you interact with the people she called family, and she swore to love you forever from then on. 

We embroidered the memories of the time I was away, stitching, “We were just kids, babe.”

I said, “I don’t mind, it takes time.”

A few years had passed, and they were the best years of your life; sure, there were ups and downs, but that was the beauty of it; you could recognise the good bits all the more. Natasha gave you a run for your money, scaring you to death every time she would come home with a new injury, but you would tend to her, and she would let all the details slip, the things that keep her awake at night, the failures, the successes, everything. It took time to bring 

Natasha out of her shell to talk to you about these topics, and when she did, she didn’t even feel fear in telling you; knowing you like she did, you would just accept her for who she is and tell her that was who she was and she didn’t know anything else. You kissed away her insecurities when they crept up on her in the middle of the night, without fail, you held her when she returned home from a rough mission, handling her with so much care that felt so foreign to her. 

I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed,

I felt aglow, like this, 

never before and never since.

Natasha was the sweetest soul you had ever encountered. She always weighed her words in her head before saying them aloud, always knew if something was the matter, and didn’t push you to talk about it. 

She would wait, do whatever you needed or wanted, and wait for you to make your problem hers, too. She would hold you so close as you did, kissing your tears away, reassuring you with every fibre of her being. She was so gentle, and it made you wonder what kind of a person does it make her to become more than she was ever meant to be. How much strength she truly has. 

If you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary. 

You and I go from one kiss to getting married.

It took three years of loving Natasha to finally promise yourself to her forever. There were tears and so much love that day you could recall it like the back of your hand. You couldn't remember your life without Natasha; she had very quickly become the centre of your universe. 

Each day you woke up beside her, you found yourself thanking the universe for allowing you to live to see another day, another day you get to share your love, issues, and tears with her. 

Still alive, killing time at the cemetery

Never quite buried.  

In your suit and tie, in the nick of time. 

You lowdown boy, you stand-up guy.

Then Natasha’s world came crashing down; the Avengers were fighting, she had to run away, you being left at home, countless sleepless nights, frightened for her life and what she was doing, if she was hurt, or worse? 

You often heard from her, whether that was a brief message or a Facetime call when she settled down in her trailer rewatching her favourite films. Those moments, you felt at some ease, but being unable to physically touch her hurt more than you could ever have thought it could. She was telling you that Yelena was alive, and she had got out, and you started crying, which made her cry; you heard all about her and the time she spent with her in Ohio, and you were glad she finally broke away from that god-forsaken place.

Initially, Natasha blamed herself for leaving her there when she broke away for the first time; then, she could quite bring herself to find her after killing Dreykov and his daughter to portray her loyalty to S.H.E.I.L.D.

You holy ghost, you told me i’m the love of your life,

About a million times.

A few weeks later, she found out he was alive. You have never heard her sound so heartbroken, her heavy gasps for breath, the sure constant fall of tears she let herself shed for all the girls that had to continue through the cycle. You were rendered speechless, listening to her tell you about everything that was going on, silent tears streaming down your face at her situation. She didn’t want your sympathy; you knew that- she was telling you so you knew what you would be greeted with when she got home. 

You listened, taking it all in, trying your best to be the weight she could lean on, but you were crumbling, too. You couldn’t even fathom what she felt at that moment. She told you she loved you and that she would be home soon. 

Five weeks later, Natasha came home. She worked it out with her family, like you knew she would, and even managed to help most of the Avengers regroup. You met Yelena for the first time, and you immediately liked her. She was so similar yet so different from her sister. You offered to take her shopping one day to get to know each other more. 

Having Natasha back home made sure you were never going to let her go away for that long again. Sure, she went on missions, but both Fury and Natasha would keep you posted, and it was never just one person, there were two or three at once. The time she was gone, she was alone, and that meant that all those thoughts that usually plagued her would’ve got the upper head and she’s too selfless to ring you in the middle of the night telling you about it, not wanting to worry her further, knowing how much you were suffering, not sleeping, waves of nausea from homesickness.

Who's gonna tell me the truth

When you blew in with the winds of fate

And told me I reformed you

When your impressionist paintings of Heaven

Turned out to be fakes

Well, you took me to hell, too 

A few months passed, and Natasha, you, and Yelena became like your own little family. Fury had asked Yelena to train some recruits, which earned her decent pay. She got her own apartment and decorated it with what she wanted, which she dragged you and Natasha out for. 

You and Natasha would stay up late at night talking about everything, often messaging her parents asking how they were doing. They wanted to come and visit you, given how much Natasha talks about you to them, and see how Yelena was getting on with her life. 

The nightmares became a frequent occurrence again for Natasha, and you were there just like you were at the start, pulling her into you or going for a drive, sitting on the balcony, or doing anything she wanted. You were there to see to it. 

Things went relatively back to normal, and you were finally happy again. 

And all at once, the ink bleeds

A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme

That was until the Avengers came calling for another mission. Your blood ran cold. How much more could she take? You wondered, looking over to your wife to find her already looking at you. You knew she needed this; after the previous events of her life, she needed to go and help. She knew you wouldn’t stop her per se, but she could see it pains you to let her go… again. 

But I felt a hole like this

Never before, and ever since

They said they were leaving in 2 hours for Edinburgh, giving you guys some time (but not enough) to say goodbye. You were silent as Natasha packed her bag, put her gear together, put on Yelena’s vest, and chose her weapons and batons hidden in the wall of your bedroom. Natasha didn’t like this any more than you did, leaving you again. She knows how you got when she went away, only this time she didn’t know how long she would be gone. “y’/n” Natasha sighed, wrapping you in her arms. “I’ll come home, I always do.” She laid a soft kiss on your head. “I love you”, you sigh, hugging her back. “I love you most”, she returns. She always did this, it was your thing. From the first time, those words left your lips, she reiterated the reply right back. It was pointless arguing. 

If you know it in one glimpse

It's legendary

What we thought was for all time

Was momentary

The house became empty once again. No Natasha, no random kisses on your head, no unexpected cups of coffee being disposed of in your hands, no incessant typing from her computer of her writing up reports or doing her work from home. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, so you took a shower to bask in the scent of her shampoo and body wash, dressed in her clothes and sat on the couch with a glass of wine and a book. 

You didn’t know what to think. Was she safe? Is she hurt? Your mind was reeling. You must’ve fallen asleep on the couch because when you woke, it was daylight, and you heard Natasha’s sniffles as she walked through the door. You shot up from the couch and the second her eyes met yours her face flooded with relief and she fell to the ground. You didnt know wha had happened so you met her at the floor whilst she wept into your arms. 

Still alive, killing time at the cemetery

Never quite buried

You were heaving by the time Natasha explained everything to you, both of you rushing through your phones to call your family, but there was no answer from any of Natasha’s family. Maria didn’t answer either, nor did your parents. Everyone you loved other than the woman right in front of you was gone. You don’t know how long you and Nat were there on the floor crying; your whole body felt numb, and none of you or the Avengers knew if they were alive or not. 

You cinephile in black and white

All those plot twists and dynamite

Months had passed, and no one had found any type of solution to half of the universe’s population being missing. Natasha was clearly spiralling, and so were you. You and Natasha threw yourselves into working to find a solution, and every time you came up blank or with an error, Nat made a committee with the rest of the survivor Avengers to see if they could come up with something. Each time, there was more and more disappointment. 

Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry

Natasha resorted to dancing, dancing of all things. You always heard classical music while showering or cooking. It made you sad to the bone to know you couldn’t help her. You could be there for her, but you couldn’t help her. You could feel Natasha slipping away. No matter what you tried, she just didn’t feel the same anymore. 

You said I'm the love of your life

“Nat?” you whisper to her in the darkness of her Compound bedroom. You feel her moving, turning to face you. “Yes, my love?” she says, coming to hold your hand. “You’re not here anymore,” you smile sadly, looking down at your hands entwined.

“In times like this, we need… we need to stay together. I don’t want us to lose each other through the loss of everyone else,” you try to say composedly but start to cry at the end. Natasha sighs, pulling you into her. “I know, my love. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better by you. I’ve been distant, I know, but you’re not any less important to me.” She mutters, kissing your head.

Natasha just held you as you cried into her shoulder, shaking in her embrace, her tears silently falling against your hair. “Please don’t push me away. I need you”, you sob into her, holding her close. Her heart clenches at the vulnerability in your voice. “I’m not going anywhere. I have loved you for ten whole years. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I don’t intend to stop now. Besides, Maria would kick my ass if I ever let anything happen to you,” she says softly, making you laugh airily. 

You talked me under the table

Talking rings and talking cradles

I wish I could un-recall

How we almost had it all

Natasha stuck by her word. She pulled herself back into your orbit. Your words helped her realise that there was nothing that could be done to bring back the others, but she did have you and that she needed to cherish. Reality speaking, she wouldn’t like to even think what state she would be in if you hadn’t made it. The mere thought sends her blood running cold, and she would come and find you to wrap her arms around you, reminding herself that you are, in fact, with her and that you didn’t disappear. 

You and Natasha, alone, except for the occasional drop-in at the compound from one of her avenger friends, set up a nice routine at the place. You two would work out in the morning, then eat dinner together and then spend some alone time together to reconvene for dinner and bedtime in the evening. Not much happened in the compound for the years you were together. Tony was with Pepper and Morgan, Steve was out doing AA meetings, and Clint was AWOL after losing Laura and the kids. 

Dancing phantoms on the terrace

Are they second-hand embarrassed

That I can't get out of bed?

Cause something counterfeit's dead

You Steve and Nat were sat at the table trying to console a breaking Natasha over Clints activities, when a chime rings through the computer systems, you scuttle over to check it to see a guy waving frantically at the camera. “This an old message?” steve says, leaning forward. “It’s the front gate,” says Natasha, looking shocked.  

You sat watching Nat and the two men talk about pym particles and time travel. All of it goes in one ear and out the other for you, yet you can’t help but notice the way Natasha’s posture straightens, and a glimmer of hope seems to shine in her eyes. 

It was legendary

You, Nat, Steve and Scott get out of the car at Tony’s secluded cabin. He said no, you head back. You all tried talking to Bruce, and that was a maybe. You’ve never seen Natasha this hopeful since she went on that mission to help Tony and Steve see where each other was coming from with the accords.

It was momentary

You wake up in the middle of the night to Tony yelling over the phone about how he’s done it and how he will be at the compound the following day.  

It was unnecessary

Everyone was getting geared up. You were softly braiding Natasha’s hair. “Hey, you be careful out there, okay?” you smiled at her in the mirror as she watched you weave her hair into a delicate braid. “Don’t worry, I got this”, she smiles at you, wrapping the hair tie around the end of her hair. Turning around, she smiles at you, pulling you in for a kiss. “I love you, Natalia” You smile against her lips, brushing your nose against hers. “I love you the most, y/n”, she returned, kissing you again. “Come home safe,” you say into her chest, from where she pulled you into a hug. “When do I not?” She says, and you laugh. 

You watch her and the rest of the Avengers stand up onto the time plate and she catches your eye, winking at you before she smiles and says, “See you in a minute.” 

Should've let it stay buried

…

Oh, what a valiant roar

What a bland goodbye

Seconds feel like hours as you wait for them to return. You twiddled your fingers, waiting, waiting and waiting. You’ve spent longer than a minute without nat (clearly), but this one feels like so much more, something feels not right. A rip startles you from your thoughts, and you see Clint on his knees, his eyes wet. No… no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 

Everybody else returns. You don’t notice them, though, as Clint looks directly at you, saying so much more than words. “Cint, where’s Nat?” 

The coward claimed he was a lion

I'm combing through the braids of lies

Everybody turns to look at you. You’re frozen in place, and your chest feels too tight and heavy. Clint walks down to you. “ Y/N,” he says, opening his arms out for you. You collapse. Your whole world gone in a matter of a minute. You don’t know if you’re screaming or crying. Both? Clint cries with you. 

​​"I'll never leave" ...

“She sacrificed herself for you, your sister, her sister laura, everyone”, He cries into you. You’re heaving, your body feeling like it’s being torn in two. The weight of it all unbearable. Everyone quickly left the room to give you and Clint some space, grief settling heavy on them, too. 

"Never mind"

A week had passed since the war, the battle, losing Tony and Nat, and having to tell Yelena and her parents was the hardest thing you ever had to do. Yelena walked out, Alexei punched the walls, and Melina hugged your tear-streamed face, silently shaking. The one good thing the world had ever given to you, and it snatched her right back off of you. 

Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire

“I was thinking if this all goes well, we should get a cat," she says to you, putting on her time suit. 

“A cat?” you ask her, smiling up at her. She’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. “Yeah, you’d be a great cat mom”, she beams at you.

Your arson's match your somber eyes

Maria’s name buzzes on your phone, and you’re quick to turn it off. As much as you love her, you don’t want a pity party, you just want to be left alone. You just now realise that you were home after hours of walking around, your heart crumbling with every tribute poster and art you see decorating walls and windows. You fumble with your keys to get it open. You’re met with two pairs of shoes at the door, yours and Natasha’s, her hair ties on the table next to the door, and one of her artillery belts. Her jacket hung up on the coat rack. She’s everywhere, yet she’s nowhere at all. A small black cat slides up against your leg and you lift her up nuzzling your nose into her head, making her pur and snuggle into you, seemingly sensing your emotional state. 

And I'll still see it until I die

Entering the bedroom seems like an impossible task, knowing you’ll see more of her belongings. You sit on the couch and stare. Then you see a piece of paper on the coffee table you recognise. Picking it up, a dry sob leaves your throat. 

“I love you more, my love, and I always will,” it reads in her perfect handwriting. You can’t stop crying- your lungs feel so full yet so empty, and your head prickles with all the nerves trying to make sense of what is happening. 

You storm into your bedroom into the shower and rid yourself of this heavy, dirty feeling. You scrub and scrub and scrub until your skin is red and raw, and only then do you get out. You dry yourself off, wandering into the closet and pulling on her hoodie, then her sweats, and then you collapse into bed, breathing in her all too familiar scent. The smell wraps around you like her arms would when you were going through a rough patch. Now, the patch is rougher than ever, and she's no longer here.

You turn your phone back on and press call, “Hi there, Natasha here! I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now, I’ll be sure to get back to you,” you call her again and again until you fall asleep listening to the sound of her voice, and the warm fur ball curled up on your chest.

You're the loss of my life.

first time writing angst, PLEASE give me feedback. i beg

[e-vay]

My In-Depth Review of Sonic X Shadow Generations (Spoilers!)

I completed Sonic X Shadow Generations so I'm ready to talk about it! Remember, these are just my personal opinions about the game, so don't take this review as me saying that my opinion is "right." I'd hate to accidentally spoil the game for you, so all my thoughts are below the cut:

Did you mean to click "Keep Reading"? I warned you, there's gonna be spoilers here! One last chance to back out...

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❤️

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❤️

Okay here we go!

THE SHADOW PORTION

Let's start with what we've all been hyped about: the Shadow portion of Sonic X Shadow Generations. If you single out the Shadow story of this game, I think it is an absolute masterpiece! Everyone who worked on it gave it their all, and it clearly shows. I'd give it a 9.75/10.

THE GRAPHICS

The visuals of this game are STUNNING. These new models for Maria and Gerald Robotnik are perfection! I am so glad they went with the more 'cartoon' style for the human models, similar to what we saw in Sonic Unleashed. They feel like they belong in this world among these peculiar looking anthropomorphic animals, but they aren't so odd looking that they feel goofy. They found a perfect balance and I couldn't be happier with them. Speaking of character models, to see all the bosses throughout the years in this new high definition was a sight to behold! Though I do feel nostalgia for the lower-poly version of the Biolizard, it was great to see it as the creators originally envisioned. It went from this loveable (and admittedly silly-looking) salamander to a truly intimidating and disturbing looking beast. The animation is superb. The characters move so fluidly and the poses are dynamic and striking! The frame rate makes everything look and feel fast and smooth which is exactly what you'd hope for in a Sonic game. I also appreciated the variety of poses/animations even just for the different stage ranks. I found myself purposely replaying stages to get different ranks just so I could see the different animations Shadow had regarding his "performance" evaluation. That really adds to the replay value! I am a graphic designer for a living, so of course I have to gush about the design, too! The graphic elements that appear before, during, and after each stage are straight up BADASS! I love the 2D animated flame that appears along the stage name and the color scheme and sharp lines are so appropriate to Shadow, and are a very strong contrast to Sonic's graphic elements that are colorful and round in shape. These are small details that most people might not outright notice, but it really enhances the overall aesthetic of the game.

THE STORY

LOOOOORE! Sweet nectar of the gods, we were given so much more lore with this game! Even though the Shadow portion of this game was fairly short, they jam-packed a ton of information and I am forever thankful for it! If you didn't do so while playing, I highly recommend playing again and talking to the NPCs regularly for little nuggets of lore. I was initially worried that this was going to be a rehash of the same 'origin' story we've heard a dozen times already, but that was not the case! Instead of focusing entirely on the tragedy that happened on the ARK, we got to learn what life was like on the ARK while times were still good! Learning that Shadow didn't used to be confident at all, to the point where Maria basically doesn't recognize this confident version of him that we've all known him as. And that Shadow never did his homework??? HA! I loved the confirmation that yes, Maria WAS INDEED the person who gave Shadow his name, and the meaning behind it was EVERYTHING TO ME! (Also works so well for my my AU. IYKYK hehehe) Plus all the Robotnik family history?! MARIA HAD A LITTLE SISTER?!?! She'd be old now, if she's even alive, but will we ever meet her? Will Shadow ever meet her (and would he even want to, or does he feel like that chapter of his life is closed now)? What was she like, and how did Maria's death impact her and her parents??? I hope we'll find out some day! Plus getting to learn a little bit more about Gerald's sons was exciting too. Will more Robotnik family members make appearances down the line? What do they think of Eggman's misdeeds? I'm so curious for more! It was heartbreaking in the best way for Shadow to get to interact with Maria and Gerald again, especially knowing he can't do anything to change what will inevitably happen to them. His sense of desperation paired with the growing affects that Doom's powers were having on him really had me worried about what was going to happen to Shadow's state of mind and overall well-being. It was amazing to see the toll it was taking on his body and his mind. In particular, I'm thinking of the scene where Shadow goes to fight Sonic and you see him having to actually restrain himself and go easy on Sonic. I thought it a great scene to demonstrate how easy it would have been for Shadow to just give in to the rage and take Sonic out without hesitation, but his willpower was able to win in the end. I have heard some people saying they're disappointed that Shadow lost his Doom abilities by the end of the story, but I think it made complete sense for the story. Black Doom is insistent that Shadow isn't 'complete' yet and he has to be more like him in order to be 'perfect.' But that isn't true! Shadow is already the ultimate life form, especially because there's more to him than his Black Doom DNA. By rejecting Doom's influence in the end, that was Shadow's true evolution. He's perfect as he is. Obviously I could gush forever and ever about all the Shadow and Maria scenes, but words aren't going to do it justice. It was just so moving to see how different he is when he's with her. In fact, at the end of this game I believe this is the first instance we ever see a true, genuine, heartwarming smile from Shadow and it DEVASTATED ME! We are used to his smirks, but when he's trying to reassure Maria that everything's going to be okay, we get to see him truly smile and we aren't seeing Shadow the Ultimate Lifeform or Shadow the Destroyer/Weapon, we are seeing Shadow the Brother and it felt like the warm embrace of a security blanket. God bless the writing in this game.

THE ACTING

The acting in this game is incredible from a visual and auditory performance. The animators really pushed the acting of the character models and you can feel Shadow's transformations throughout the game and the toll it's taking on his body. The emotions are cranked up to the max and they didn't pull any punches. In the past, Shadow was often limited in his portrayal of emotions, but that wasn't the case in this game at all. We saw anger, we saw resentment, we saw panic and sadness, and affection. There was so much thought put into the shaking of his hands, the gritting of his teeth, the shrinking and dilating of his pupils, all to show what's going on in his head without even resorting to words. SO MUCH ATTENTION was put into how these characters moved and interacted with each other and it truly tugged at my heart strings. There were too many wonderful moments for me to break down, so I will just single out one for now and applaud the creative direction and the animators for these scenes as a whole. There's this moment right near the end of the story, when Shadow is trying to stop Gerald and Maria from disappearing for good. His gestures are wild and panicked, his pupils and irises are small due to fear, but then Maria simply frames his face and rests her forehead against his. It's subtle, but Shadow's eyes widen and then return to their regular size and everything from his stance to how his shoulders fall show what a calming presence Maria has and how she helped (and will continue to help) him find his inner piece. Those performances are going to stick with me forever! Mike Pollock as Gerald Robotnik was truly *chef's kiss* MP is such a fantastic actor with great range. Though his voice is easily recognizable, the manner in which he speaks as Gerald is so different compared to Eggman, that you couldn't mistake the two characters even just by listening. We have been so used to only hearing from the angry, driven-insane-by-grief Gerald that it was so refreshing to get to see and hear the calm, brilliant, caring genius that created The Ultimate Life Form. P.S. I'm going to be crying over hearing Gerald call Shadow "son" for the rest of my life, thank you very much. I don't care about the future crimes he commits, we got to witness Shadow's father in this game and I'm weeping. Kirk Thornton is not my favorite Shadow. That being said, he really gave it his all and I was pleasantly surprised by what he accomplished. One of the performances that surprised me the most was Mephiles! This is a credit to the writers as well as the voice actor. The sense of wild desperation in his voice as he fights to even 'exist' in this timeline was so visceral and terrifying. Sure the other villains had their "I'm the best, this world belongs to me" lines, but Mephiles' voice lines were on a completely different level to me. What a treat! Lastly, if you can, please replay the game in Japanese! Kōji Yusa's performance is STUNNING. Ooh I'm getting shivers just recalling his voice lines while you're playing through the stages. I don't mean to discredit the English voice actors, but I think this game is even better when listening in Japanese. Give it a try yourself!

THE MUSIC

This is a Sonic game we're talking about, of course the music is going to be fantastic! The score did not disappoint one bit. It was great to hear all the callbacks to songs in the past as well as new tracks that were catchy and enjoyable even after playing the stages several times. "All Hail Shadow" has always been one of my favorites, but the new instrumental version used for majority of this game was so haunting and eerie. It was a delight to my ears as well as my emotions.

THE BOSSES

I loved the chosen bosses for Shadow's story. It was great fun to revisit some of the more iconic baddies throughout Shadow's history, and even though some of the gameplay was the same, the battle would then shift and offer the player something new. However, it's actually the boss fights where I dock the game a few fractions of a point. The boss battles were far too easy to defeat, and I actually found them easier and easier as the game progressed. I beat Mephiles and Devil Doom so quickly that I didn't realize their fights were over already. One could argue this was intentional by design. After all, throughout the story Shadow is evolving more and more into the 'perfect' killing machine. It would make sense that the more Doom Abilities he acquires, the weaker these bosses would seem. Still, as a life-long gamer, I appreciate when I have to actually work to achieve the ending of a game. I would have liked more of a challenge.

OVERALL GAMEPLAY

Whether you're roaming about White Space or you're actually playing through stages, the Shadow portion of this game is an absolute blast. Even having played the Shadow the Hedgehog game (which I'm a fan of, btw), I feel like this game really gave you a better feeling of what it's like to be Shadow. I LOVED that I got to use Chaos Control way more than ever before in previous games. If you had the ability to stop time, wouldn't you take advantage of it every chance you could??? The opportunity to use Chaos (and Doom) Spear as frequently as you wanted and Chaos Control almost constantly really shows how formidable of a character Shadow is and just how different it is to play as him compared to playing as Sonic. I loved the 'free-roam' aspect of White Space compared to the 2D version in Sonic's story. Hunting for rocket parts or figuring out how to unlock collectibles was a lot of fun and let the player really explore these new Doom abilities to the fullest. I'll admit that I struggled with navigating some of the Doom abilities, but even so I still had a ton of fun. I already mentioned replay value, but before you even have to go about replaying the game, there is SO MUCH to this portion of the game! The amount of stages, challenges, collectibles within stages, FINDING the unlockables USING the collectibles you obtained from stages, even the mini challenges available AFTER you've completed the key challenges (I'm talking about the bell that's located above the challenge portal), all of it made for a ton of opportunities for play. I found myself wanting to take on every quest instead of begrudgingly going through it just because I'm a completionist.

My biggest gripe is that the game was too short. Am I greedy for wanting more? Probably, but I can't help it. The developers gave us a ton of content in the Shadow story, but I still would have loved to have a full length game of just this gameplay. I managed to complete the Shadow portion in a few hours, and that was even with me leisurely taking my time to get collectibles and get S ranks for stages before progressing through the story. I miss the days where games took much longer to complete. But hey, I'm a nostalgia-prone 33 year old, so I guess that's to be expected of me haha.

THE SONIC PORTION

Here is where Sonic X Shadow Generations loses more points for me, which is a shame because I think it's a great game overall. Admittedly, I was disappointed when I first learned that the Sonic portion of the game was just a remaster of Generations. I had really hoped we were going to receive something new to help elevate SXS Gens as an entirely new game, instead of just "Sonic Gens + Shadow DLC".

Don't get me wrong, the stages in Sonic Generations are fun to play. However, when you go from playing Shadow's story to Sonic's story, Sonic's side drastically pales in comparison in my opinion.

My other complaint is that for a remaster, they really didn't improve Sonic's portion of the game significantly (at least from what I can recall, as I haven't played the original Sonic Generations since it first came out in 2011). This was a missed opportunity to correct more of the drawbacks of the original game. However, I will admit there are some minor changes that were made that I was thankful for. Let's start with the positive before I point out some of the negatives.

THE STORY

As mentioned earlier, I acknowledge that Sonic Generations is just a remaster so it makes sense that the story didn't change much. That being said, there were some small changes that I did really appreciate and helped improve the story. One of the things that always bothered me about the original Sonic Generations was how indifferent/annoyed Sonic was regarding his friends. I mean, the story is about time being erased! His friends and home are literally getting removed from the fabric of time and Sonic seemed more inconvenienced than concerned. In more recent games, the writing has really focused on the value Sonic finds in his friendships and found family. He always has his signature cool, aloof attitude, but I think the writers in recent years have successfully showed just how much he cares about his group, whether the games were serious (Sonic Frontiers) or silly (The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog). The story wasn't drastically changed for Sonic X Shadow Generations, but some altered dialogue and blink-and-you-miss-it edits helped to cut that jackass attitude from the original and gave him more realistic reactions. Especially by having him respond when he rescues everybody this time! It never seemed right when Tails was first rescued and he's trauma dumping on Sonic about how awful the experience was and Sonic just sits there in silence haha. At least in the new version, Sonic reassures Tails that he's safe now. Also, huge kudos to whoever decided to alter that scene where Sonic is shoving Amy away by the face. I always hated that. Ship or not, you don't treat your friends like that when they're throwing you a bday party!

This is me getting nitpicky, but there were a few things I had really hoped they were going to improve, but remained untouched:

THE GRAPHICS

I was never happy with the visuals of this game outside of the stages (the visuals within the stages are great!). The colors are extremely oversaturated and the characters are way too intense and some are even off model (ex: Amy is so blindingly vivid magenta in this game instead of her signature blush pink. What the heck?!). What's worse, the cutscenes during the birthday party scenes are SO GREEN. The light bounces off the neon green landscape and reflects onto the already oversaturated characters, giving them an unappealing green glow. I get that the Sonic world is not realistic, but it felt like the scenery in these cutscenes made it look like we were watching a bunch of toys interacting on a playset instead of characters living in their world. Sure the visuals during the levels are great, but it's a real disappointment when I'm specifically not looking forward to the cutscenes in a game. I wish they would have tweaked that.

THE ANIMATION/GAMEPLAY

I have zero complaints when it comes to Act 1 (the "Classic" version) of the different stages. These look great, play great, and if you've played classic Sonic games then you can appreciate how identical the map of the level is compared to the originals. The issue for me lies in Act 2, aka Modern Sonic's gameplay. For the most part these levels are good, but there were a couple of small things that always bothered me that I was sincerely hoping they'd fix (and they did not). There are portions of Modern Sonic's gameplay that is SO. SLOW. I'm referring to when you are jumping from one Grind Rail to another, or when you are sliding under an obstacle. These animations are so bizarrely slow and make absolutely no sense when your character is running blindingly fast. I don't understand why they didn't use this opportunity to fix those animations. When you're playing the Shadow side of the story, his animations are constantly fast moving and appropriately paced. Why wouldn't they apply these physics to the Sonic side?

As a whole, the Sonic portion of Sonic X Shadow Generations is still a fun game, but I think it could have used a little more attention to help it feel more balanced compared to the Shadow portion.

-

This game also has some notably fun DLC and the promise of more DLC in the future! I have my Sonic side of the story set to the Sonic Adventure Legacy skin and Sonic Jam Legacy skin and they are so CUTE! They win all the nostalgia points! I'll be honest with you, I have never been a fan of Terios' design hahaha. BUT! I love that they made a Terios skin for this game so players have the chance to play as him if you choose and we get to see how he was intended outside of the initial sketches we've all seen. (Still, y'all can keep your Terios skin. I won't touch it LOL!). And I am OVER THE MOON ECSTATIC for the upcoming Movie Shadow addition to the game! I still can't believe they got Keanu Reeves to voice lines for it! I'm sure it will be a small thing, but I am on the edge of my seat to see what that will be like.

-

Overall, I'm super happy with the game as a whole and I enjoyed every minute I played of it!

If you read all of this, thank you for reading! Again, my opinion isn't fact and if you disagree with what I had to say, that's totally fair. And if you haven't played the game yourself, please go play it and see what you think for yourself!

[chaosister]

𓏲⋆ ִֶָ ๋𓂃 ⋆ RUNNING UP THAT HILL, SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG

shadow never truly knew what he would do without you, he could never bare to lose another dear one ever again.

𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𐙚 ࣪ ⭒ 𝓼ummary. gn!reader, angst, possible ooc character, mentions of death, abandonment issues, trust issues.

𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𐙚 ࣪ ⭒ 𝓷ote. oh em gee.. THIS MAN IS SUCH AN ANGST CHARACTER MATERIAL. (he's so silly you guys i love him) I write like a turtle that's why this took so long 🐢 (I usually don't write stories like this but I needed to get this out) also, my writing commissions are open!!

Shadow never experienced warmth, he was always surrounded by the feeling of coldness that came with his existence.

when he met you, his world was suddenly full of colors– his monochromatic world suddenly boomed into a colourful world when his eyes met yours.

he could remember the electric shock that wrecked through his body when his gaze landed upon your form and once he finally got to know you and be with you, shadow never felt that coldness anymore.

But sometimes, Shadow can feel how fast his heart was beating whenever he was in your presence– shadow was scared, he was scared that one day you'll vanish and he'll never be able to see you again, that's why shadow always held himself back from fully loving you because deep down he knows that all good things must come to an end and he doesn't want the same situation with Maria to happen all over again.

Shadow's heart was bruised and battered up from the shattering experiences he'd gone through but despite how flawed he was– how broken his heart was– you held him as if he was made of glass, your touches were so gentle that shadow didn't know how to react to such gestures that were filled with unfamiliar emotions.

Shadow always hoped that each day would go by faster because of how tiring it was but that reason changed when you came to his life, everyday he hoped that each day would go by faster so he could come home to your awaiting figure that always greeted him with a warm hug.

He never wants this to end, he'll fight against god if it means that you'll forever always be there for him.

———

“Shadow?” the sound of your soft voice interrupted the comforting silence that wrapped around the two of you as his ears perked up at your voice, his face that was buried in your shoulder raised a little to let you know that he was fully paying attention and a muffled hum escaped him.

“..are you happy being with me?” there was doubt hidden beneath your voice that shadow sensed and made him look up at you, your eyes that were filled with gentleness stared back at him and shadow knew at that point that something was wrong.

“why are you asking such questions? did something happen while I was gone?” the hand that was running through his quills stopped as shadow sat up to observe your face

he noticed the way you bit your lip and your gaze was suddenly full of sadness, “nothing happened, I was just curious..” Shadow's hands twitched and soon his hands found themselves wrapped around yours and the coldness that emitted from his own calloused hands contradicted the warmth that came from your soft ones.

“I apologise if I'm not as open as you'd like... I'm not used to these kinds of things but do know that my heart beats rapidly for you and only you, my world would blast with colors whenever I'm with you, and you fill me with hope that makes me wish that the day would go slower when I'm with you.”

Shadow said those words with such sincerity that it made your heart beat faster and your face to feel warmer, his gaze was filled with such intensity that it made you feel naked in front of him.

“...I love you, shadow.”

——

The two of you embraced each other at the end of it all, that was one of his memories that he cherished.

...But why was the world so against him? why was the world so cruel to him? those thoughts rampaged inside his mind as he blankly stares at your bleeding form on the floor, you were one of the few good things that happened to him and yet he failed to protect you.

sometimes, the world can be cruel to some unlucky souls and shadow was unfortunate to be one of those said souls.

Shadow didn't know how to react to your bleeding figure and so, he turned away his head as his trembling hands covered your form with a white blanket that blood seeped through.

he hopes that the ambulance would hurry up and help you despite the fact that you were already dead.

shadow doesn't believe that you're dead, you couldn't be, you were resting just like how you were when he left you.. all alone in this house that was filled with warmth and now it felt cold and empty house.

pleas left his mouth as he begged whoever was out there that could save your life– that could bring you back.

his cold hand tightly held your bloody hand that has the unfamiliar feeling of coldness and the realization that you were missing your usual warmth made him break down into tears as he desperately held your bloody figure in his arms.

the medics that rushed inside the house tried to pry off shadow from your corpse yet he refused to let go, no, he won't leave your side again.

but despite the sound of his pleas and crying the medics had no choice but to whisk you away to the hospital.

“please-! don't take them away-!”

he was left all alone again but this time, his heart was fully shattered and closed off. He was now just a broken man walking around hoping that today will be his final day.

[thepersonnamedsam]

thighs don’t lie - mv1

pairing: max verstappen x goddess!reader

summary: thirsting over each others thighs on main is your hobby

face claim: no one particular

warnings: max thirsting

note: i saw this tiktok about max‘ thighs and i couldn’t get this idea out of my head… i love thighs, psst

masterlist / taglist

yninsta

Bali, Indonesia

Liked by maxverstappen1, username1 and 368‘728 others

yninsta day 1 of 🌊🏝️🐚

View all 37‘289 comments

maxverstappen1 oh my, oh my, i-, idk what to say

username2 god, i wish to look this good

username3 thank u, y/n for posting ur body without shame, bc it is NOT and making people feel okay with their body type, ly

username4 yes, ty indeed <3

maxverstappen1 where’s your room? number? anything?

username5 not max thirsting on main

yninsta no. 33, you know where to find me, lion

username6 girl, no way they got room 33

username7 no, that’s probs just for main

mvfanacc

Liked by yninsta, username8 and 6‘389 others

mvfanacc just an appreciation post for max‘ thighs

View all 928 comments

username9 currently thirsting

username10 did u see, y/n liked the post

username11 how can she not? i mean, look at him

yninsta thank you

username12 girl, not y/n thirsting on main

username13 ugh, i love this man

maxverstappen1

Bali, Indonesia

Liked by yninsta, pierregasly and 926‘638 others

maxverstappen1 day 2, saw someone posting my thighs, thought i had to appreciate my love’s thighs too

View all 472‘728 comments

username14 I TELL U I SCREAMED

username15 ME TOO

username14 let’s be in this mess together

username15 u n me forever

yninsta aww maxi taxi, ty my love, i LOVE your thighs

maxverstappen1 if you call me maxi taxi again, i won’t thirst anymore

username16 gurl, NO, don’t let that happen!!!!

username17 pls, y/n, we need our man to publicly thirst

username18 it’s the only way people will like him

maxverstappen1 i love her thighs. here, it’s done, i said it

yninsta and i love you

maxverstappen1 does any one need a pt. 2, bc i’ve got a whole folder

comment deleted

yninsta

Bali, Indonesia

Liked by maxverstappen1, danielricciardo and 638‘297 others

yinsta day 3 of BALI with my one and only

View all 36‘728 comments

username19 what a dream relationship

username20 istg, i want what they have

username21 if mines not like that i do t want it

maxverstappen1 I LOVE YOU

danielricciardo we get it mate…

maxverstappen1 sorry that i love my gf

maxverstappen1 how am i so lucky

yninsta i am the lucky one

username22 MORE THIGHS

username23 YES MORE THIGHS

username24 WE NEED MORE PICS IF YOUR THIGHS

username25 THIGHS DONT LIE

yninsta and maxverstappen1

Bali, Indonesia

Liked by landonorris, pierregasly and 482‘297 others

yninsta day 4, to the best thighs on the grid 🥂

View all 62‘628 comments

username26 LIKED BY PIERRE GASLY

username27 how has max‘ pr manager not said anything about those two posting soft porn on main?!?

username28 bc wE ALL APPRECIATE IT

username29 YES

username27 okAY

danielricciardo max, you know i have better thighs than you

yninsta that is NOT true, mr. ricciardo

danielricciardo you are NOT TRUE

maxverstappen1 but we can all agree that y/n has the best thighs, right? 🔪

danielricciardo yes max

username30 sigh, when will i ever get that?

°°°

taglist: @ironmaiden1313 , @topguncultleader , @biglittlesecret , @gulabjamooon , @lovelyy-moonlight , @peachyplumsss , @mistrose23 , @copper-boom , @love4lando , @champomiel , @serenityleah , @iloveyou3000morgan , @angelwithoutmywings , @elleeeee21 , @youkissedareaderinthedark , @mikauraur , @thybulleric , @lpab , @fdl305 , @mellowarcadefun , @teti-menchon0604 , @vildetry06 , @bibissparkles , @aurora-maria , @lunnnix , @sya-skies , @Buckywifeyy , @dakotali , @rechtrecht , @noncannonships , @1eclerc16 , @pitlanebabe

[divaofmads]

Forever In My Heart | King Baldwin

Part I | Part II

Gif by @princess-of-thebes-1995 Dividers by @saradika-graphics pictures by Pinterest

Summary: Baldwin knew that his illness would not allow him to live long. Unfortunately, he did not have an heir to leave the throne to, and since he was of French origin, he demanded an heir from the French kingdom to take over the throne after he died. So King Louis VII sent his younger son and his wife to go to Jerusalem and make a deal with the King.

Warnings! : Toxic Relationship, (King Baldwin is 20, Prince Hugh is 25, Y/N is 19), No Y/N using (Princess Maria), Inspired by history. It is not real historical events exactly, There are chronological mistakes, I apologize for the mistakes I made in English that is not my native language and I am trying to improve my writing skills

A/N: No one's religious beliefs were disrespected. The story was written by researching the ideas of that period.

A/N 2 : You can imagine whoever you want to play the bad guy(Please comment who do you imagine).

" 5th June 1173

My lover who is more beautiful than anything. My lady with lips sweeter than honey, a complexion that would make the moon jealous, and eyes brighter than the sun. The angel who inspires me. You're in my dreams when I sleep, you're the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up. I miss you so much that every day we are apart I pray to Jesus that my father will return from crusade as soon as possible and start making preparations for our wedding.

After that incident, after the doctors had a dilemma about whether I might be sick, I thought that your father the emperor wanted our engagement not to be official, using his relations with the Seljuk State as an excuse. Forgive me for such impertinent ideas, my love. I would never betray you and your family. However, the crusades that my father Amalric started against the Fatimids by joining forces with the French and Germans showed me that what prevents our marriage is fate. But I know. No matter how late it is, our lives will be united, you will be the most respected queen the Latin kingdom has ever seen. Christian and Muslim healers will soon produce a cure for my illness together. Don't think about me. I will be fine, knowing that you love me gives me strength, my queen. Always be happy, be healthy. Always remember me. Dream about our future during the days we are apart, because I do. May the God who reigns in the heavens and watches over the whole world protect you.

I think the reason you didn't reply to my previous two letters is because you were busy, but this time I'm eagerly waiting for you to reply to my letter, my love. My heart is with you forever."

Who could love a man whom even God has cursed?

1180 4th June

When the night covered the lands of Jerusalem like a blanket, Baldwin stood by the window and watched his kingdom. God had given this holy city to the Crusaders and had stood by them. The Latin kingdom acted as a protector against the increasingly powerful Muslim invaders. Although the failure of the 2nd Crusade had caused a lack of trust among the Crusader countries, he was the only great king who was able to unite the Holy Land after his father Amalric died. His people were pleased with him. Despite being a Crusader commander, he did not want anyone to be treated unfairly, regardless of religion or race. But why did the king not feel proud when his people loved him so much?

When he looked at his reflection in the golden goblet he held in his hand, the answer to the question was actually very clear. Despite everything, he was the cursed king. He was weak and incapable for Muslims. How could a king who was struggling for his own health deal with state issues? He was also a servant lower than a pig. He was created so ugly because they did not believe in the same god. Just as ugly and useless as a pig. Saladin should have been ashamed of himself for being defeated by a king who was a child and a leper in the battle of Montgisard. But no one had thought about it. His smart moves in the army and state administration, his choice of advisors and the poor-looking king proved his power. He was the only king who came into being on the bed to manage the war. His courage had inspired the painter.

It was normal for Muslims to spread such prejudiced and hostile gossip, of course. But it was the Christians whose ideas he had to fight against. They thought that God had cursed Baldwin when he was born. He was the one God did not like. He knew how dark his soul was when he created him. When he grew up, the devil would be his guide. He was a cruel, barbaric ruler whose mind worked for nothing but evil. Leprosy was his mark and badge for his past and future sins. He was branded so that the people would notice and stay away from this devil.

He had long forgotten his identity. The man he saw in the reflection in the goblet, with a rotting skin, was either a pig or a devil.

But he was not human in either world. When he could no longer hide this curse and his fiancée did not even deign to write him a farewell letter, he lost the last feeling that would remind him of his humanity. Love. No one loved a pig, they would detest it. No one would stray from God's path and fall in love with the devil. He would rather die. And what were the feelings? What were the longing and love he felt in his heart? Moreover, what was the sadness that was hidden behind these two feelings and spread throughout his body? These feelings grew stronger after he received the news that the crown prince of France and his wife, the Byzantine Princess Maria, would arrive in Jerusalem tomorrow. Could a pig long for? Could a barbarian be sad, or could the devil love?

Baldwin could no longer bear to see the truth reflected in the globe and threw it to the ground. So many years passed. Baldwin stood strong against the gossip about him. He only loved his kingdom and swore to protect it. He rewarded the oppressed and punished the oppressors so that people could live in peace and not have hostile feelings. However, the seeds of love that had been waiting to sprout in his heart for years blossomed with the news that he would see the woman he loved again, and the king felt hopeless.

As the medicinal drink spilled from the glass that fell to the ground spread on the stone floor, the bare parts of his maskless, bandaged face reappeared before him like a nightmare. As his breathing rhythm quickened, he heard a voice.

"When the Physicians were preparing the drink, I could tell from the smell that it tasted bad."

When Baldwin looked in the direction of the voice, he saw William coming from the darkness. The only source of light in the room was the moonlight.

"William," he said, trying to hide his emotions, "I didn't hear you come in."

William smiled warmly. "You wouldn't have heard of it if there was a rebellion, your majesty, and forgive my impudence, but the reason for this has to do with your guests tomorrow."

Baldwin turned toward the city. "I was sure I would never see her again. But now, in the castle of Kerak, Raybald of Châtillon is hosting them."

William looked at the king. "Indeed, you should have known this day would come. Your relations with the Kingdom of France are strong."

"Maybe I was just afraid that day would come."

"You're still in love with her."

"Every minute I thought I had forgotten her, my longing for her grew my love."

"Princess Maria was a good match for you. She was very intelligent, kind, and combative. A fine queen for the Latin kingdom," he said, and the melancholy gaze of Baldwin, which he did not want to show, gave him away, caused William to apologize. "I apologize if I went too far, your majesty. I just wanted to recall a pleasant memory."

A beautiful memory. It was true. Every moment Baldwin spent with the princess was special. He could talk and laugh for hours about any memory he recalled. Baldwin was not born into a loving family. When he ascended to the throne, his kingdom was on the verge of division. His illness pretended him weak against his enemies. But in all his misfortunes, Maria was his white rose, and no matter how pessimistic he felt a moment ago, he now smiled because of her.

A bitter smile, ""Do you think she can still wield a sword skillfully?"

He had the same bitter smile on his face. ""There is no doubt about that, your majesty. Perhaps once they are settled in the palace you can challenge her to a duel and see for yourself."

Although this idea sounded nice at first, the facts were obvious. He replied in a reproachful tone, as if rebelling against fate. "How can I do this when I can't use my limbs and can't see in one eye, William, tell me!" He looked harshly.

"These words do not seem to belong to you, my king. Weren't you the king who learned to use a sword with his left arm because his right arm betrayed him at every opportunity? You designed special stirrups for your numb legs. You led fights with that blind eye of yours. Now don't tell me you avoided a duel with a 19-year-old young woman."

"I don't want her to see me like this, Will. My body is decaying day by day. God's curse is growing stronger and my resistance to pain is diminishing." He looked at the view again. "I don't want her to remember me like this. She confessed that she was amazed by my beauty the night we fell in love. He turned back to William and pointed his finger at his face. Look at my current state, the boy she fell in love with is dead. The Leper King was the end of that beautiful boy."

Baldwin suddenly felt unwell and William held him as he collapsed to the ground, his legs shaking.

"Your Majesty, you need to rest now."

William called to the servants to take Baldwin to bed. The servants came to them in a hurry and, taking kings arm, carried him to the bed. One left to get water. Another was adjusting his pillows. Finally William warned them to leave the room and approached Baldwin.

"You have always been a good boy, Baldwin. You are the best king the Latin Kingdom has ever seen. No ruler after you will be able to hold these lands together."

"I would not want this. I hope that people will recognize my efforts and protect the lands from hostile armies."

Before leaving William Baldwin's room, he spoke one last time. "Prince Hugh will take more care of you both, your majesty. Be careful."

Maria had been nervous since they arrived at the castle of Kerak. Representing the Komnenos dynasty had been a heavy burden on her shoulders. About six years before she was born, dark times had passed over Manuel I and the Byzantine lands. Constantinople had been sacked, the city almost destroyed. Châtillon had been the emperor's worst nightmare until Manuel took revenge on her. He disturbed the people as if he owned the Byzantine Empire. Maria's nanny would tell her these dark memories before she went to sleep at night. Maria was a naughty child and would tell the story that Châtillon would come back one night and kidnap the naughty children. But Maria always trusted her father. Although he seemed like an emperor who was afraid of the Turks and had a weak political mind, Maria was smart enough to understand her father's strategic steps. That's why she never feared Châtillon. Her father may have suffered great losses during those times, but later he took his revenge on Châtillon in a satisfactory way.

Baldwin did not attend her and Prince Hugh wedding. He was too tired to go to France. Otherwise, his death would have come sooner, and Saladin's army would have occupied Jerusalem long ago. Therefore, Reynald of Châtillon attended the wedding as regent. Emperor Manuel saw this as an insult, and the ties between him and the Latin kingdom were almost broken. But Baldwin, the Latin king, knew his former father-in-law well. He had observed the emperor very well during his engagement to his daughter, and had skillfully kept the bond between them together.

Despite everything, Châtillon must have been unable to stomach the emperor's revenge, for he was taking a jab at the princess who had joined them at the dinner table. He was talking badly about her father. He was making fun of the Byzantine Emperor, implying that if the emperor did not come under Crusader countries protection, the Muslims would give up Jerusalem and occupy Constantinople, and they would be successful. Therefore, it was very lucky for the princess to marry the son of the King of France. Maria would of course say something in response to these words, but the crown prince of France thought that women were stupid and should not meddle in state affairs. What did women know except intrigue, sex, and having children? Whenever Maria spoke, her husband humiliated her in front of the lords of the other kingdoms. She did not want to experience the same thing again. She felt sad enough when she thought of Baldwin anyway. But both Maria's and the prince's minds were changed by Châtillon's audacity. He had brought up the subject of Baldwin and the princess's broken engagement. Maria felt uneasy. She knew that her husband had always kept his eyes on her, for it was a sensitive subject.

When Châtillon noticed the tension between the two, he explained how strong the bond between her and Baldwin was. He had read Maria’s letters impudently several times before the curse of leprosy had set in. He disclosed some of the love poems in these letters. Of course, he could not remember the exact words, but he sang similar sentences with a mocking grin. Hearing these things made the Prince angry. The gold goblet in his hand almost bent, but he tried not to show it. He looked at his beloved wife with a meaningful smile. Not wanting to appear weak, he intervened. “I thought your engagement was a political agreement, my lady. Would you care to give me more details? I would like to hear it.” He brought the glass to his lips, finished the wine in one gulp, and slammed it down on the table.

However, Maria knew that the prince intended to ask her this question. If she was not satisfied with the answer he would give, his revenge would be severe. Hugh had threatened her with his dynasty. The prince was madly in love with her and knew that his love was unrequited. He was jealous of her in front of everyone and everything.

She was trying not to give away her lie as she pushed the toasted almonds on the Blancmange that had just been served into the rice fish paste mixture with the tip of her fork. "We were both kids at the time. Our alliance against his half-brothers brought us closer. These are childish feelings." These words were lies. Every emotion she experienced was too mature.

Raynald lifted his globe to his mouth and drank the spiced wine, smearing it through his filthy beard before scraping the remains of the wine away with the palm of his hand. "Your mind was capable of writing love poems as a child."

Prince Hugh gritted his teeth. He should have cut off the head of the daring man in front of him with his sword, but he was too arrogant to show his jealousy to anyone. Instead, he chose to show his anger to his wife by stroking Maria's hair harshly. She had to be careful.

She looked bravely at Reynald. Looking into his eyes, she put the Blancmange in her mouth and began to speak, ignoring the rules as she chewed. "I am flattered that you find the love poems written by a little girl mature. Yes, Baldwin and I were mature, and I was smart enough to see that you were a pain in the neck when you were still a mercenary."

Raynald looked to the prince to put the princess in her place, but Hugh agreed with his wife, and for once, though he didn't show it, he was pleased with her headstrong nature.

Then he looked at the princess with greed. "It was obvious that the daughter of the Byzantine emperor would not suit the future king of France."

Maria stood up, her chair leg scraping the floor. "Then you should know to watch your step when talking to me."

Then she turned respectfully, in a way that glorified her husband. "Master of my heart, if you allow me, I would like to go to the chapel and pray."

The prince was unsure of what to say. He did not want to be angry with his wife, for she had put Raynald in his place, who had insidiously planted the sin of jealousy in his heart. He was also flattered by his wife in front of the other lords and barons at the table. He only gave his wife permission to go to the chapel.

She grabbed the hem of her dress so as not to fall. So she left the room and walked quickly down the corridor. Talking about her memories with Baldwin broke her heart. His look, his smile, his conversation, his intelligence... She had never known a man like him in the Empire or the Kingdom of France. Her mind was always on her old love. She had stolen her own life. She spent her youth in the bed of a man she did not love, thinking of Baldwin. Now she was in pain and wanted to be alone, alone with the Virgin Mary.

One of her maids would come to her. She called to her lady, said that her son were crying uncontrollably. Little Philip needed his mother. She ignored the maids calling her as she ran down the hall. But the baby wanted her mother and was crying non-stop. But a child from a man she did not love would not be good for her right now.

She just wanted to go to the chapel and pray before the Virgin Mary. She was on her knees, placed her elbows on the altar. "Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee. Forgive me, I cannot guard my ideas from sin as I guard my chastity. Holy Mary, Mother of God. I am weak, the love that the devil has cultivated in my heart becomes sweeter to me every day that I do not see him. Please hear me, tear down the walls between us and inspire me to forget him. O Virgin, holy and merciful, obtain for all who offend thee the grace of repentance, and graciously accept this poor act of homage from me thy servant, obtaining likewise for me from thy Divine Son the pardon and remission of all my sins. Amen." She placed her palms crosswise on her chest. She was crying, convulsing with tears.

The prince and princess of France entered the holy lands with four horse guards in front and six behind to protect the gift chests. The royal coat of arms, the 'fleur-de-lys', was carved on wood on the body of the carriage, and the windows were covered with curtains in the color of the coat of arms's base color, the blue, thus completely cutting off communication between the people and the nobles.

But it was impossible not to notice such a long convoy. The children playing followed the horses and did not leave its vicinity, hoping to see who was behind the curtain. But the princess saw them. She had slightly parted the fabric and was enjoying the excited running of the children speaking in a language she did not know. Meanwhile, her husband, who was sitting next to her, distracted her by holding her hand. When the young princess turned her head to the prince, the smile on her face disappeared.

"Don't let children know you're looking at them, my lady. Then they'll have the brass face."

She looked at him smugly. "They are children. At least don't act arrogant towards children!"

Hugh gritted his teeth. He should have put her in her place, but their baby Philip’s nurse intervened to calm the anger between them. She smiled and called out to the princess as she sat across from her, put the baby to sleep in her arms.

"Your Majesty, in a few years your son will be running around the palace corridors just like them."

Maria smiled at the woman. "I hope he becomes a guardian of peace and justice." The word that crossed her mind was 'like Baldwin'. But she could not say it.

The nurse looked at the baby. "There is no doubt about it, my lady."

Prince Hugh was very angry with his wife. He could have given her a severe punishment, but his love was holding him back. Instead, he used his ambition for his son. He smiled arrogantly. "He will be a king in the Latin lands, a nightmare for Muslims! He will send the unbelievers to hell in this world. He will slaughter the unbelievers mercilessly. Otherwise, how can he be the commander of the Crusader armies?"

Maria hated herself for marrying such a cruel man. She could assure herself that the children's voices he heard outside had become screams of pain in his imagination. And look at the nobles who considered Baldwin a barbarian! What a disgrace! The princess was about to continue looking out the window in anger when she turned her head and caught the nurse's eye. The woman gave her no words. Her expression begged his majesty to be silent. For his well-being and peace. Maria smiled with tears in her eyes and did as he said, smiling slightly.

Meanwhile, William, who had received news that the royal carriage was approaching the palace, was giving orders for the final preparations. Sybilla had to make sure that the food and organization were perfect. The servants were arranging the prince and princess's favorite fruits and wines on the table in their rooms, and the gifts to be presented to the royal family were being counted in the great hall.

Baldwin lay on his back in his bed, surrounded by four physicians who were helping their assistants apply ointment to his wounds.

"Ah," sighed the king, "at last, my love. At last, I will be able to witness your beautiful smile again."

"Be a little faster!" But even that was tiring him. He was excited to greet them and wanted to stand up in defiance of God.

The physician warned the king, "Your Majesty, you must lie down for a day and wait for your skin to absorb the medicine. It will be more beneficial."

Baldwin gritted his teeth and spoke threateningly. “Are you disobeying my orders?”

The physicianstammered. He emphasized that he had been misunderstood. He apologized and ordered his assistants to hurry. After applying the herbal mixture to the king's wounds, they wrapped clean, white bandages crosswise, using two layers of cloth so that the skin would not be visible. Cotton fabrics in particular were imported from the Mediterranean. Otherwise, his completely covered skin would not be able to breathe and would become damp, and the amount of salt in his sweat would cause Baldwin to suffer in pain. In fact, the ointment was already hurting him enough.

One of his servants came to him with a silver cup in his hand and supported his back, allowing him to straighten up. Thus, he drank the healing water easily. As he was sliding the last sip from his lips to his mouth, William entered. He too might not have been in favor for king to welcome the royal family, but he knew that his life was short. Seeing the woman he loved should have been more important than the pain he would suffer. Who knows? Perhaps the last time they would meet would be Baldwin's funeral. Maria stood in front of her childhood love's coffin, crying heartily, and they would say goodbye to each other for the last time, and the only memory she had of him would be the metal mask.

"Your Majesty," he said with a wry smile on his face, "I have come to take you. News has come that they have almost arrived. Everything is ready in the outer courtyard. After the welcoming ceremony, you may proceed to the great hall."

Baldwin confirmed William and after the bandaging process was completed, he stood up. My God! For a moment, the King seemed to forget about the curse. He thought they were just like those two beautiful children from ten years ago. Two noble children who will live their love that has not been granted to anyone else. He hadn't even gotten help from anyone when he was sitting up in bed. Love must have been such a miraculous feeling. None of the physicians' ointments could give him the strength to stand up in minutes. The verses from the Bible that were read to cure his illness were of no use. Only his passionate longing for Maria gave him strength. It healed his melted bones and allowed his joints to bend freely. It allowed his joints to bend freely. Perhaps he would soon have the power to expand the borders of the Latin kingdom. But no! The truth had a bad habit of coming out at the wrong time. He was standing from William. He was only five steps away.

"Let's go." King said. At this moment, a servant called out to him, came to him with quick steps and held out the mask in his hand.

"Your majesty, mask!"

There's that Silver mask! The evil Witch who took him away from life. The King looked at the mask's artificial lips, hollow eyes, and metal eyebrows. He was the only person in the room who saw the mask's devilish grin. It was as if the mask was mocking him. He knew how much the woman he loved would pity him when she saw his sick body. And Baldwin's embarrassment must surely be the amusement of the mask. Once again the King was defeated. Although he had the arrogance of a king when he took the mask from the servant's hand, William knew the dramatic mood of the man he had known since childhood. So he supported the king with his words while his face was completely covered with a metal mask. When the servants grabbed his arm and tried to help him walk, he gestured with his hand for them not to come.

"The king looks quite healthy. No need."

William stepped back from the door and cleared the way for the king to exit.He clasped his hands in front of him and waited for Baldwin to come out. However, after their King left the room, William followed him to accompany, followed by the servants. It was noon. Light seeping through the corridor windows illuminated the gray stone walls. The designs and art of Arab architects were on display.

"My legs are shaking William. "This is not because of my illness," he said. He could keep Saladin and his armies away from his lands. He could win the battle. But for love, he was still young.

"I know, your majesty. Although not as excited as you, I'm excited to see the princess too."

Beautiful, attractive, innocent, seductive. Which word was more appropriate to say to the holy beloved? Which one would he choose to describe the relentless love inside him? Or were the other adjectives hidden behind these words what made his fall in love? Was it her stubborn and strong stance that made her seductive, was it her helpfulness and fairness that gave her the name of innocence, was it her white skin and wavy hair that reached down to her waist that made her attractive or was her beauty and grace necessary? There was no definite answer to these questions and even the answers that suddenly came to his mind were not enough to learn the reason for his feelings for her. The way he looked at her or the way she shyly looked away from him, he would now forbid each other. If their eyes met, it would be a sin. Then how would Maria have the courage to go to church again and ask for forgiveness?

All this was going on in the king's mind. When the horse carriage carrying the royal family entered the courtyard. The prince and princess were presented. The King was sitting on his throne waiting for them. But what he was most worried about was how he would react when he saw Maria. And that moment has come. As she descended the wooden steps of the carriage, Baldwin’s eyes went there. The years had made her a mature woman and made her beautiful. The dark brown tone of her hair had lightened, and blondes were mixed in between. Her skin was smooth as in her childhood. The cherry cheeks that adorned her snow-white face had not left her. A storm had formed in his heart, his love had turned into a natural disaster. When she descended the creaking steps and her feet touched the ground, Maria looked up at the king. Her honey-colored eyes sparkled. She had seen the child behind the metal mask in Baldwin’s eyes.

But the maid who got out of the carriage was carrying something in her arms that revealed the sin of their love. One of the heirs to the crown. Prince Philip. Maria's son by Prince Hugh. This child would have been theirs if this disease had not taken him prisoner. William expected the king to make a welcoming speech. But Baldwin seemed rather absent-minded. “Your Majesty,” he warned his king, “you must pull yourself together. The princess is now a married woman with a heir."

William was right. He had to come to his senses quickly and fulfill his duties as a king. The Latin King stood up, holding on to the arms of the prepared throne, and greeted the Prince and the Princess. He said it was a great honor for them to be here. Because he was on very good terms with King Louis VII of France. That's why it was such a pleasure for him to welcome the future heir, the Prince, and his wife, Princess Maria. Of course, when he saw Princess Maria next to the Prince, these words he said were completely fake. Even though he knew that Maria and the king were old childhood friends, the Prince did not allow Maria to speak and spoke to the king himself. Because he knew she still love this king with the ugly rotting skin. The king could not look at Maria. Because if he did, everything would be understood. So he averted his eyes, but Maria looked at her old friend William and smiled. Old memories had gathered in her eyes and came out.

William spoke up. "Your Majesty, if you wish, we can place the gifts of the Kingdom of France in the great hall. This will provide a much more intimate setting for the gifts presented during the banquet."

"Good thinking, William," Baldwin said. "Let's do what's necessary."

After the prince and the king finished speaking, they went inside. The servants showed the nobles to their rooms so they could get ready for the feast while their belongings were being put away.

Baby Philip had a separate room. They went to their rooms with the nurse.

When they came to the room, the bathtub was ready. The bathtub was made of white marble, shaped by marbles extracted from the Anatolian Seljuk lands. It was filled with water containing jasmine essence and leaves. Arab servants surrounded the bathtub, one had a silver tray, a loofah and soap on it. The other had a loincloth in his hand.

Princess Maria knew that Muslims were very clean. This was the most important thing for Islam and they were very contemptuous of people who were not clean.

The servants took off Maria's clothes, covered her private parts with a loincloth, and holding her hand, they sat her in the tub.

A woman took a copper bowl and dipped it into the jasmine water in the bathtub and poured it on the princess's hair. The cold drops of water cooled the roots of her warm hair. The weather was so hot here that the coolness of the water was a relief to her. She leaned her head on the edge of the tub and positioned herself so the other woman could massage her shoulder.

Her muscles, which had been tense due to sadness and her husband's irritable character, began to relax. The woman's delicate fingers were moving around the girl's shoulders and neck. The drops of water that had begun to dry on her skin were keeping it cool in the hot air. She was half asleep, half awake, dreaming but barely aware of what was happening. She didn't even realize when the woman's delicate, thin fingers were replaced by thick, calloused ones. Baldwin was in her dreams. She was sitting in the arbor of the palace in Constantinople, in the gardens with their many varieties of flowers, with Baldwin's head on Maria's lap. His eyes were looking up, into the honey-colored eyes of his beloved wife. The sun was streaming through the wooden planks of the arbor and making the heavens in Baldwin's blue eyes shine. She stroked his light golden brown hair. His skin was soft and shiny, just like when he was a child, and his lips were thin and small.

"My beautiful lover." He said. But voice was not like him. "Are you thinking about me?" The girl's eyebrows furrowed. As if this was a rebellion against passing into the real world. She opened her eyes and sat up. When she looked up, she saw Hugh sitting on the edge of the tub, looking at his wife with longing. But the same was not true for the princess.

She was serious. "What are you doing?"

Hugh replied as she stood up, using the sides of the tub for support. "I thought my wife missed me." He stood up too and caressed her cheek with the back of his hand.

Maria lowered her eyes, raised one hand, and asked the maids to help her get out of the tub. But the prince was on edge against his wife's cold attitude. He watched with anger as he was left alone.

The servants were massaging Maria's body with various oils and combing her hair. Meanwhile, her assistant was choosing a beautiful outfit for the banquet. But Maria was nervous. She and Hugh had not touched each other for a long time. They had never brought each other to the perfect peak of orgasm. That letter from the Latin palace had changed something and the prince was aware of it. She knew that Hugh would use the maids to do this. Even though he knew that adultery was one of the greatest sins, the prince felt entitled to it. Perhaps he wanted to make the woman he loved jealous and take revenge. But he never achieved his goal. Because Maria could never love her husband enough to be protective or jealous of him.

As if it were a ritual, a rite, he would ask for sexual intercourse in the palace of the man she loved. He wanted to trouble her conscience.

While her dress and jewelry were being prepared for the feast, the servants dressed Maria in a white silk nightgown, the sleeves of which were wide and connected to the skirt like bat wings.

When the princess returned to bedroom, she did not see her husband. This was a relief to her.

"Where would you like me to put these clothes, my lady?" Maria was startled by the old woman's question. She answered with a faint smile on her face. "Put them where the emerald green surcoat is."

Then she went to her jewelry. They were in a carved wooden chest on the table. She put her fingers inside and began to rummage through the earrings, necklaces, and rings. The necklace she would wear to the banquet was very special. Among the betrothal gifts that Emperor Manuel had burned or distributed to the poor, the only gift Maria had saved was the beautiful necklace designed by Baldwin. The pearls hanging from the edges of the gold collar surrounding the red beryl, emerald, and alexandrite stones...

She called her maid over and told her that she would be wearing this necklace as an accessory to the dress they had chosen. The woman was fascinated as soon as she saw the necklace. "This is very beautiful, your majesty."

About ten minutes later, the prince called out to his wife, who was giving instructions to her maids to put away the clothes. "You must be happy to see your childhood sweetheart, my love." Maria was startled by her husband's voice as she smoothed down the pearl-embroidered dress in her hand. She ran her fingers over the soft texture of the shiny fabric and handed it to the maid. "The same topic again?" Then she looked at her husband. "That's in the past, you know. Ten years is a long time to forget."

Hugh grabbed his wife's arm tightly and turned her towards him. He clenched his teeth and swallowed. "For the mind, yes, but for your heart? Was ten years enough?"

Maria did not say a word, and that was an answer for Hugh. He squeezed his wife's arm tighter. The young woman groaned, feeling the pain in her arm deeply. She frowned under the pain and tried to pull away. "Leave me alone!"

The maids were disturbed by the tension between husband and wife and did not know what to do.

Hugh brought his face closer to hers. "If that's true, I swear..." he was cut off by a knock on the door.

Maria looked into her husband's eyes without the slightest trace of love.

She ordered. "Come in!"

The young servant girl ran to Princess Maria and bowed before her.

"Your Majesty, forgive me. Your son Philip, I believe, needs your help."

Prince Hugh was also angry. Were all those nannies interested in his heir? Just as he was about to attack the young girl, Maria grabbed his arm. "My prince, please! Have some patience!" She was worried. "Is everything okay? What's wrong?"

The girl was not very good at lying, she stammered. "He wouldn't stop crying. We thought he needed his mother. The mother's scent calms babies."

Hugh glanced at his wife contemptuously. "Your motherhood is as bad as your wifehood!”

Without saying anything, Maria left her husband and ordered the young girl to take her son.

The maid was escorting the princess to the room where Philip was staying. Maria noticed that she was quite excited. She had thought of scenarios such as her son being sick. She started asking the girl questions. Was her son sick? Maybe something bad happened to him and they were afraid of the prince and didn't tell her. The girl's nervous attitude made the princess even more nervous. "Stop, I order you!"

The girl stopped suddenly and looked like a child being scolded by her mother. Maria could see how frightened her face was in the candlelight. "What's the matter? You look very nervous."

The girl stuttered and pointed to the hallway behind Maria. “This way, my lady.” Maria swallowed and looked at the hallway the girl was pointing to. It looked much more ornate than the others. The work on its door was magnificent and decorated with gold leaf.

Maria frowned. "Philip isn't there, is he?"

The girl shook her head. “No, your majesty. Just come in. He’s waiting for you there.”

When the soldiers waiting at the door saw Maria, they immediately moved and opened the door. Maria knew very well who was waiting for her inside. She walked through the door with excited steps and went out to the balcony with the most beautiful view of Jerusalem. The two soldiers standing here welcomed their princess and escorted her to the door leading to their king's chamber.

The soldiers brought the princess to the door and left. Maria took a deep breath, knocked on the door and entered that was nervous. It was the first time she had done something in secret from her husband. She was sure he would punish her if he knew where she was. She could not leave the bedrooms. He would put guards at the bedroom doors.

She looked around. The objects were as if they were showing off in the light of evening with sun. This was not the room he had stayed in as a child. It was his father's room and its size was dazzling. It was a room worthy of a young king of the Holy Land. Maria looked at the bed across from her in admiration. Her childhood love was resting in this bed, leaving his scent on these sheets. She slowly approached the bed and picked up the burgundy-colored pillow. She wrapped her arms around it tightly, as if she were hugging Baldwin. She buried her head in the soft texture of the pillow and breathed in the scent. It smelled just as she remembered. It was so clean, smelled of soap and incense.

The princess remembered the dream she had the night of their engagement. It was a terrifying nightmare, to be exact. She had longed to speak to the bishop of Hagia Sophia. Even though the priest had interpreted her nightmare positively, Maria was always anxious. She was afraid of the end of their epic love. And one day, those things she feared separated them until death. When all these memories came to life before her eyes, a small smile appeared on her face. However, her eyes denied this smile and tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"Is that you William? I've been waiting for you." It was Baldwin's voice, and it came from afar. Maria, with the remorse of her sin, did not want to be caught by Baldwin, and her whole body trembled. When she turned her head to the silk tulle curtain that separated the room, she saw his silhouette and dropped the pillow in her lap to the floor.

Take the pillow or leave the room… While she was trying to choose the right way in this dilemma, Baldwin pulled the veil aside and entered.

“Maria, you…” Baldwin stood there in shock and could not finish his sentence.

There he was, Baldwin. The man whose happiness she had forgotten for years with his longing was standing right in front of her. Baldwin was no different. He felt much stronger now. He never expected to meet those meaningful eyes again. Alone. It was as if their cursed love had flared up again.

Baldwin did not want Maria to get into a difficult situation. As soon as he saw Maria approaching him, he spoke up. "It is not right for you to be here, my lady. Please do not do this to us."

Maria, on the other hand, was determined. She had been imprisoned by a man she did not love for years, and when she could no longer stand this torture, the man who was her ray of hope stood before her.

They were standing face to face when she replied, "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."

Her hands were on groin, her nails tearing at the flesh on the sides of her fingers.

Baldwin replied, his voice filled with reproach. "You gave up on me, Maria. I learned of our separation from the letter your father sent to the palace. You didn't care to send a farewell letter."

Maria was crying. She looked into the king's eyes. "This is not true. I swear."

"Tell me what is right," he said. "Of course you couldn't go against your family, I understand that. But what about your love? Your fear got in the way of your love, and I couldn't read your last letter that smelled of roses, is that right?"

"No. You don't know how strict my father is. I wrote you letters many times. I wanted to send them secretly, but my nanny betrayed me. That's why I always got caught. I gave up because a young girl died in pain because of the letters I wrote you. I wasn't afraid of my father, Baldwin. I didn't want innocent people to suffer because of me." The words barely escaped her lips as she sobbed.

The girl took Baldwin's right hand, wrapped in a white bandage, and caressed it. But the effects of leprosy were beginning to set in again, and his arm was numb. What a disappointment it was not to be able to feel the woman he loved while she held his hand! "Oh God, please," he whispered. He did not care how great a sin adultery was. He wanted to feel the touch of the woman he loved. He wanted to experience the sexual urges he felt for the only woman in his life, past and future, who would love him. Not now, his inner voice said. He did not want to die without being drunk with Maria's love.

Baldwin took his right arm and pulled it from Maria's hands. He held out his left hand. "Come on Maria, come with me. We have a lot to talk about," he said. Although the princess realized that Baldwin could not use his right arm, she did not show anything so as not to upset him. So they went behind the silk veil.

The evening view of Jerusalem was almost under their feet. They sat on the couch. Their eyes met suddenly. It was the first time Maria saw her friend, her love, with a mask on his face, and it was painful for her soul.

"God has given you the most beautiful design of all his creations, Maria. You took me back to my childhood."

Maria smiled. "You too, my dear. The innocent, well-intentioned child standing before me has not changed at all."

Baldwin took offense. "You needn't pity me. I have been the god-cursed king for too long."

Maria put her hand on Baldwin's silver mask. Since she couldn't touch his skin, she had to be content with this. "You're still that boy I fell in love with." She caressed the cold, hard, emotionless mask. "The eyes looking with courage and hope. That boy whose character and heart I admired, has now grown up and become the greatest king the Latin Kingdom will ever witness."

There was surprise in Baldwin's voice. "Do you really think so?" He knew what was being said about him outside the borders of the kingdom. Even Saladin did not take him seriously at first. Until he saw that the king was a formidable enemy, he didn't respected him. Still, his illness had become a symbol of bad luck in many kingdoms, especially Byzantium, and had caused political relations to be damaged. If an agreement was made with the Latin kingdom, the curse of God would be poured upon them.

"Even if you gave me all the jewels in the world, it wouldn't satisfy me as much as your love." Her lips trembled, the area around her eyes turned red.

She was trying to control herself not to cry. She brought her face closer to Baldwin and buried her head in his neck, witnessing his scent and warmth. "You are not only the king of the holy land, but also the king of my heart," she said.

Baldwin was ashamed. He had never been so loved and pampered by a woman. He could even see his mother at political meetings. It had been a long time since he felt like a man. He had forgotten that he was a man because in other kingdoms he was nothing. Muslims called him a pig because they did not believe in the same God. Andalusian Arab historians spoke of him as a disgusting creature. According to Christians, he was the child of the devil and God punished him with ugliness and pain as a price for the cruelty and misery he would bring to the world. Jews living in his kingdom cursed their kings because they were not under the rule of a glorious king and prayed for his death. However, even though all that was left of that beautiful child was a piece of rotten flesh, he was reminded that he was human by the woman he loved, without knowing what he had become.

"You are here with me now, Maria. We may never meet again, but it is a great chance that you are here with me now."

Maria tried to smile, but tears were flowing relentlessly down her cheeks and down her chin, dampening Baldwin's white bandage. "I beg you, don't talk like that! Make me forget about reality for one night. Let's be in a fairy tale. Kiss me and let us to live happily ever after."

"I promise, Maria. I'll only make you live your fairy tale tonight."

Maria wrapped her arms around Baldwin's still feeling hand and lifted it into the air. She brought her lips close and kissed it longingly, many times.

Baldwin kept his word and wanted to talk about the good times.

"After reading the letter from the French court, William and I discussed whether she could still use a sword."

Maria wiped her tears and smiled. "I haven't used a sword since I got married. Hugh says it's not for women."

"It is unfair, the land of France has lost its best knight."

Maria shrugged. "If you're not my opponent, I don't care."

Baldwin's voice was full of affection. "We can reminisce whenever you want."

Maria snuggled up to Baldwin. She leaned her head on his chest. "It's okay, I don't want you to get tired."

Baldwin's numb arm was finally beginning to get feel, and he lifted his arm with difficulty and effort, and as he gently stroked Maria's hair, she looked happily at him without lifting her head from his chest.

"Maria, my beautiful queen. While my illness cannot prevent me from fighting the Ayyubids and leading my army, shall I miss the chance to duel with you? I will definitely be ready for it tomorrow."

"I would be honored, my king," said Maria. If she had married Baldwin, she would have been queen, and in their correspondence Baldwin always referred to Maria as "my queen." The fact that he addressed her with the same title, just like in the old days, showed the greatness of the love in his heart.

At the end of this entertaining conversation, Baldwin grew quiet. There was an inexplicable sadness in his voice. "You said your father was strict. You said a girl died because of us, Maria. What have you been through?"

Maria lowered her eyes as she remembered. Her eyes were red and a few tears slid down her cheeks to her chin.

"Several times one of the young maids helped me to smuggle letters into my room. The niche in the wall where i had once kept my doll was filled with letters from you. But the day the nanny discovered our secret, father showed no mercy. "she sobbed . "The young girl was punished by the priest reading verses from the Bible, supposedly purifying herself from her sins. Hot irons, daggers and hot oil. The girl fainted many times due to this unbearable pain and her weak body could not stand it anymore. The girl died."

"I never thought the emperor would be so afraid of our love that he would slander God. No God would allow such a punishment to be given to a virgin girl."

"I couldn't write you back. Because I never got to your last letter. The last time I saw it was among the gifts from you were being burned, in the middle of courtyard." She was sobbing and repeated over and over, "Forgive me, forgive me, my love."

Baldwin's heart ached as if it had been thrown into fire, and it was because of sadness and despair that Maria has.

"If I had a chance, if this curse would leave me alone, I would make you the happiest woman in the world," he said, stroking her hair.

But Maria, angered by this statement, rose harshly from her king's lap, her hands resting on Baldwin's groin, gripping the fabric of his robe tightly. "Please stop cursing your illness! You shouldn't care what people think. And I don't believe the thing what they think God says in bible. God holds you up as an instance to all; the kingdom of heaven is strengthened in your hands."

Baldwin put his bandaged hand around the girl's neck and pulled back the hair that covered her beautiful neck. "How can you be so sure about God, Maria? Are the priests wrong?"

"Did you not show your power, despite the limitations of your illness, and become a king loved by your people and respected by your enemies? You keep a part of God within you. You are not that man hated by God, Baldwin. If you were, I cannot imagine the illness that Hugh would have suffered," she said, laughing wryly at the last sentence.

When Baldwin returned her smile, Maria could tell by the sound he made as he laughed. and Maria thought.

"I would like to see your smile, enslaved by the mask, one last time, my dear," she said. There was sadness on her face.

Baldwin was embarrassed. "You know it's impossible, Maria."

Maria frowned. There was a half-mocking look on her face. "Why is that impossible? Has the evil witch completely transformed your face into a silver mask?"

"No, of course not. But the man under the mask has already killed the beautiful boy you remember."

"Then how come I'm looking into that boy's eyes?"

Maria slid off the couch and sat on her knees on the floor, looking pleadingly at the man she loved. For Baldwin, this was the moment he had feared.

"I beg you, let me touch your skin one last time, my dear."

The healers did not yet know about leprosy. There was only suspicion in their conversations. Despite this, they made definite statements and the worst thing was that it was contagious. Moreover, the woman he loved wanted to touch him. If anything happened to her, she would never forgive herself. Even this idea was enough to terrify him and he quickly stood up. He was going towards the window to get away from her.

"No, Maria. Don't ask me to do this!" But his muscles had become one with his illness and betrayed him once again. Baldwin lost control of his body for a moment and stumbled. Maria cried out as he lost his balance. "My love!"

Baldwin was down on one knee, his left hand on the ground, supporting his arm.

He felt that the woman he loved had hold his arm to save her king. When he looked up, Maria looked at him with a feeling that was companions of love and fear.

"Oh Maria." He didn't want her to see him like this, but fate betrayed him once again.

Baldwin got up with Maria's help. There was almost no distance between them. They were looking into each other's eyes with love. Despite the illness, the fake marriage, the years that passed, their love had not diminished even for a day. They could see the storms in the sea of love in their eyes.

"Come on, let me touch you one last time, Baldwin."

"If it infected to you, then I'll die."

"Nothing will happen, I promise."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I have what those incompetent healers lack."

"What was that?"

"Wouldn't some stupid servant have been infected by now?" Maria put her hand on the mask. "If they understood enough about the disease to be sure it was contagious, why couldn't they find a cure?"

Baldwin took Maria's hand and caressed it. "Okay then, I'll take off my mask. But if you care about me at all, don't ask to see my face."

Maria objected. “But…” But Baldwin was determined.

"I want you to always remember me as beautiful, Maria. Like that child whose beauty you admired and confessed to. Otherwise, I will spend the rest of my short life as an unhappy man."

Although Maria wanted to prove that she would love him in any way possible, Baldwin's request prevented her. Maybe not with words, but nodded, avoiding her eyes.

She closed her eyes and waited. But the king had another plan. When he left the dream queen and did not return for a while, Maria opened her eyes. Baldwin approached her with a piece of black cloth in his hand. He knew that Maria was a stubborn girl, so he had to make sure her eyes were closed. His hair, made of golden threads, had fallen out, leaving a purulent, bloody scalp in its place. His facial anatomy, which resembled a Greek statue, was now in a state of great destruction. His lips were falling apart, the bones in his nose were melting. He was not ready for Maria to see him like this, and he would never be ready. His concreteness should live as a memory, in Maria's dreams.

He lifted the cloth up and folded it into a strip to fit his eyes. It was much better this way. He could now let her touch him freely. He placed the piece of cloth over Maria's eyes, wrapped it around her head, and tied it at the back as ribbon. When her eyes closed, the pinkness of her sweet lips could be seen in all its glory. What wouldn't he give to kiss those lips? Her kiss reminded him of God's forgiving side. But all he had to do was get rid of the mask. He took it off, praying that everything would go well.

While Maria was waiting for Baldwin, the world was pitch black for her. It was like a blind man trying to witness life. Her ears were much more sensitive now. She could hear the friction of the silver mask sliding across his skin. She waited. She waited for the best moment for Baldwin.

"Are you ready?" he asked. Maria had been ready for him years ago.

Baldwin gently held the girl's wrists, as cautiously as if he were holding a glass rose branch. He could not control his breathing rhythm in excitement as he brought her delicate fingers close to his deformed face. And when her fingertips finally touched his rough skin, Maria sighed with joy. He needed to feel this warmth so much that he had finally managed to overcome the despair that had been following him for years.

“Baldwin,” she said, her voice catching in her breath. The happy expression on her face gave way to a sad plea. She took his face between her hands and caressed his cheeks with the thumbs. "I missed you so much. I had a hard time not rebelling against the fate that separated us. But God rewarded me with you for my wait."

"You are the only sin I do not regret, the only sin I will not beg God to forgive me, Maria," Baldwin said. Nontheless Maria's fingers seemed to be trying to explore the face of the man she loved. She saw nothing. If someone else had been standing in front of her instead of Baldwin, it would not have mattered. Still, she saw the anatomy of his face not with her eyes but with her touch. Baldwin's words fueled the impossible love she felt for him.

"You too, my love," she said, rising on her toes and pressing her lips against the calloused, chapped lips of the man she loved. A passionate act that proves that she doesn't care about his illness. Maria's lips were the heaven Baldwin had not experienced in this life. Baldwin's lips must have been dark sin for a married woman. But this sin was only the price of their desperate separation.

They said goodbye to each other for the last time, feeling their skin, before their love was lost in the sands of Jerusalem. Baldwin's virgin lips were alive with a woman's lust, and he didn't want this moment to end. God, I wish time would stop right now. If only the fairy tale these two poor lovers were living would never end.

Maria put one arm around the king's neck. With her other hand she felt around his body and found his hand and held it. She put his hand on her breasts. She squeezed his hand together to show him that she wanted him to caress it. Baldwin's hand was on the princess's breast while her hand was on his hand. Their kisses were much more passionate now. Their tongues were dancing on the wet skin. Their lips were in awe, as if they were reading a verse from the Bible. Baldwin slid his hand from his princess's breast and down to the curve of her waist. Her body shape had such an aesthetic. Her rounded lines were satisfactory. He almost lost himself in the complicated paths of love. But he suddenly remembered that he had to protect the honor and dignity of the woman he loved. He didn't want her to see her as an unchaste woman who was cheating on husband with another man. Baldwin turned away from her. “We must stop now, my lady,” he said. “This is not right for you.” He took his mask from the table where it had been placed and began to place it on his face.

"But we both want this. Or have you given up on loving me?"

He was so close to her as he untied her blindfold, he could feel her body heat. "Maybe my body will not live thirty years, but my soul will be exalted with love for you, my queen." He said. When she removed the tape completely, Maria was once again face to face with the mask that had ruined the life of the man she loved. But despite everything, she was grateful that she could look into his eyes. "Forever," he said and she looked into his beautiful eyes as he finished the sentence.

Maria's eyes got wet again. "My love is yours forever, my king," she replied.

Unfortunately, the end of this miraculous moment came early. William called out before entering. She was startled.

"Your Majesty, I have to take the princess away now."

Baldwin caressed the girl's cheek one last time. "My moon-skinned love, with eyes brighter than the sun. You gave me the most beautiful gift in the world. Thank you, I am grateful to you."

He had so much more to say, but whatever he didn't talk about turned into tears in his eyes after she left. He had to calm down before going to the banquet and pretend that this moment had never happened.

[isak-og-even]

So Oscar Diaz and Ellen Claremont are the epitome of supportive parents.

One of my many favourite scenes from the book:

Alex says nothing for a long moment.

"I gotta be honest," his dad says, and when Alex looks up again, he's watching the window. "I thought a prince would be more of a candy-ass."

Alex laughs, glancing back out at Henry, the sway of his back under the afternoon sun. "He's tougher than he looks."

"Not bad for a European," his dad says. "Better than half the idiots June's brought home."

Alex's hands freeze, and his head jerks back to his dad, who's still stirring with his heavy wooden spoon, face impartial. "Half the girls you've brought around too. Not better than Nora, though. She'll always be my favorite." Alex stares at him, until his dad finally looks up.

"What? You're not as subtle as you think."

"I-I don't know," Alex sputters. "I thought you might need to, like, have a Catholic moment about this or something?"

His dad slaps him on the bicep with the spoon, leaving a splatter of crema and cheese behind.

"Have a little more faith in your old man than that, eh? A little appreciation for the patron saint of gender-neutral bathrooms in California? Little shit.

"Okay, okay, sorry!" Alex says, laughing.

"I just know it's different when it's your own kid."

His dad laughs too, rubbing a hand over his goatee. "It's really not."

[…]

"How'd she take it?"

"I mean, she doesn't care that I'm bi. She kind of freaked out it was him. There was a Power Point."

"That sounds about right."

"She fired me. And, uh. She told me I need to figure out if the way I feel about him is worth the risk."

"Well, is it?"

Alex groans. "Please, for the love of God, do not ask me. I'm on vacation. I want to get drunk and eat barbecue in peace." His dad laughs ruefully. "You know, in a lot of ways, your mom and me were a stupid idea. I think we both knew it wouldn't be forever. Were both too fucking proud. But God, that woman. Your mother is, without question, the love of my life. I'll never love anyone else like that. It was wildfire. And I got you and June out of it, best things that ever happened to an old asshole like me. That kind oflove is rare, even ifit was a complete disaster" He sucks his teeth, considering. "Sometimes you just jump and hope it's not a cliff?

Alex closes his eyes. "Are you done with dad monologues for the day?"

"You're such a shit, he says, throwing a kitchen towel at his head. "Go put the ribs on. I wanna eat today." He calls after Alex's back, "You two better take the bunk beds tonight! Santa Maria is watching!"

[ash-and-starlight]

Books of 2023

the list nobody asked for <3

My reading habits had gone a bit stagnant in the past couple of years so this year i made the effort to engage in reading again and wow books really are good!! who would have thought! Sharing this year's book log with the small reviews i did while reading yeah i am That kind of list lover if u feel like being nosy, (and maybe even help mi crowdsource reading recs based on my likes 👀🤲?)

The left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula i Need to know your thoughts on omegaver- [gunshot] THAT ASIDE yeah. mrs Le Guin you've done it again. I can see why everyone got their brain chemistry altered by this book.

The Membranes - Chi Ta-Wei another brain chemistry altering book. would love to discuss it with a gender studies major lmao

Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie its a v atmospheric and poignant story, I know I would have loved it more if I was familiar with the rich religious/cultural background it draws from

The Masquerade Series - Seth Dickinson Crazy insane in the membrane about this series. one of the most compelling worldbuildings I've ever seen, and most importantly it features one of the most crazy wet pathetic scrunkly meow meow protagonists i've ever had the pleasure of reading about.

Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides i liked the writing style of this book a lot! idk how well it holds up re: intersexuality topic, but its a very engaging read.

Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power - Jude Ellison, Sady Doyle The title says it all honestly, its a beautiful, thought provoking and engaging essay, spanning eras, pop culture phenomenons, and real life events on the topic of women and horror.

The cat who saved books - Sōsuke Natsukawa this was so cute and heartfelt, it will really make you go Ah Yes, this is Why we Love Books <333

The Locked Tomb Series - Tamsyn Muir now when people say there is a girl who is the cursed sacrifice of 2000 infants who falls in love with the sleeping embodiment of the soul of the Earth (barbie) and also another girl who is the only survivor of the aforementioned sacrifice and is. a Jesus metaphor? and also the two girls become one at some point. and every book is a different genre. and god is bisexual. and memes survived the nuclear apocalypse. I can just nod and say so true.

The Area X Trilogy - Jeff VanderMeer Rotating this series in the microwave of my mind at the speed of light it's soSO GOOD!! the movie doesn't even come close honestly u NEED to read the books. and then go touch grass and be aware of every strand in a completely new way.

The Dawn of Yangchen - F. C. Yee nice read! I was more invested in the worldbuilding crumbs than in the actual story lmao, I will forever think about the HEATED airball rivalry between the air temples and about the swt greetings / bethrotal armbands.

Inuit Stories of Being and Rebirth: Gender, Shamanism, and the Third Sex - Bernard Saladin d'Anglure starting w a disclaimer bc I feel like the topic of native colonization was ignored when it should have been way more prominent when talking about the context of where and when these testimonies were collected?? That aside it was very interesting and well put together, with first account testimonies of Inuit elders about their myths, lifestyles and beliefs.

Pachinko - Min Jin Lee i read the book after having seen the tv series (which i also rlly recommend). Very moving story about a family and its generations, from Korea under Japanese colonization to modern day America.

Her body and other parties - Carmen Maria Marchado sometimes I go about my day then I remember this book exists and stare at the wall for 30 minutes.

Dictionnaire de l'impossible - Didier Van Cauwelaert big miss. this collection of articles about "strange impossible phenomenons" sounded so quirky and interesting but i sure would have loved if the author hadnt so clearly picked a side. and also way too much church for my tastes.

He who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker Chan Im not even gonna speak about this one if you've followed me since july you know what pits of insanity and despair i'm in

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow - Gabrielle Zevin Sometimes!! the book with pretty covers put in the "famous on socials" bookstore section!! are good!! It's about being othered it's about connection it's about diaspora it's about love and friendship and most of all it's about viddy games.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel reading this post-covid and learning it was written in 2017 was A TRIP. Psychic damage at every page. still feeling very normla.

The Mask of Apollo - Mary Renault Ugh i desperately wanted to like this book because the setup is so interesting and full of potential, but the end result was just. flat. flat story flat characters the plot focusing on the wrong things at the wrong times i was so DONE when i reached the end otz.

Babel - R. F. Kuang LOVED the worldbuilding in this, the "lost in translation" system of magic is one of the most interesting things ive ever read. I think theres something about the writing in general that didn't win me over completely?? but all in all a very good

Red Ocean - Han Song This sure is a Book. That i've Read. its so profundly strange and unlike anything ive come across that i dont even know what to feel about it. i think 90% of my confusion comes from Not Getting Cultural References so if someone has a "red ocean explained" essay plz send it my way bc i couldnt find one.

[hongjoongscafe]

Bloody Love...

Chapter: II -Redolent-

♠︎Pairing: yandere!king!jungkookxoc(coronis)

♠︎Genre: angst, smut, yandere, gore, dark romance, horror, creepy (dark fantasy).

♠︎Summary: "you happen to be in a world where wrong is right and right is wrong."

♠︎Word count: 3.6k+

♠︎Warning: creeping, nudity, non-consensual nudity, murder, sniffing, clothes sniffing.

♠︎Note: lemme know if you wanna be added to the permanent or specific taglist! The pictures are not mine, I just edited them.

♠︎Disclaimer: I do not condone any sick behaviour. This is just fiction and please keep it that way. If someone is following you or you feel creepy vibes from someone, please ask for help. Again. This is fiction and does not literally relate to anyone who is mentioned in this. Thank you.

♠︎Masterpost

♠︎Serieslist

Castle… The place where commoners were afraid to go. It was not a path to hell… It was hell. The things that happened within the walls of the castle stayed there. Because no one ever came out alive from that place.

Everyone knew there were darker mysteries hidden inside that hell. The darkest being the king. Some say that he has the eyes of an Eagle. He would know who is going to be the prey when he sees one. And never forgets.

His Majesty was remorseless. His words were limited yet venomous. They created chaos. They held power more than God itself. Some say that he doesn't even spare his own family.

Does he have one? No one knows.

He was mentioned in great legends, saying that he had the grandeur of a devil. It was mentioned that no one was born as handsome as he was. His body was as if made of rocks… Just like his heart.

What a waste of beauty.

The decrees of the realm stated that no outsiders, or commoners, were allowed to see him or know his name. The only thing that was revealed was ‘Jeon’.

Not a soul has ever seen him other than those bureaucrats, who were no different than him, but still, his fear was huge among humankind.

He was a ravening monster that plagued his realm and beyond.

There are seven sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and indolence. He was high of pride, greedy of souls, lustful of bodies, envious of love, gluttonous of blood, wrathful against peace, and indolence after seeing the world fall apart.

“Jimin- ah,” a thick voice rang through the spacious room.

“Yes, your Majesty,” the guard in his room quickly replied.

“I want this sweet, feminine redolent forever alive. If this could come near me and stay here in my arms, I would never let it go,” he took a deep sniff from the white nightgown. He was laying on his bed, bare body covered with the clothes he stole a couple of days ago. He couldn't get them away from him.

“Your Highness, I'm sure you will have it,” the shorter male who was looking outside the window from the door said.

“Mm,” the king moaned as he rubbed his hard-on with he-like underwear. It was a white cloth in the shape of underwear and had strings to tie them around the waist. “I have never seen beauty so bright,” he closed his eyes and saw her naked, and vulnerable while taking a bath. How her body was shining through. He envied the water that got to touch her in the places, he wished, no one has ever touched apart from her. “Her long black locks were so silky. My hands wanna thread through them and pull them,” he hummed and brought her chemise to his nose. He sniffed where her perky breasts had touched.

He brought the underwear to his face, “look at that, she must be a little whore. Good for me,” said he. “Good for me. Just as long as no one else has used her,” he sighed. “If someone did, you know what is going to happen… Don't you?” he slowly asked Jimin as he looked at him at the door, holding his Halbred tightly in his hand.

Jimin gulped and nodded. “Very well, your Majesty.”

“Hm, now get my horse ready, I want to head out tonight and… See a beautiful flower. Also, summon Maria, too. Tell her that I want her mouth immediately,” he closed his eyes yet again and brought her underwear to his nose and used his hand to give himself some pleasure.

…

It was evening when His Majesty left the castle and rode towards the village where he last left his heart. He was dressed just like before. His eyes shone in the dark. He had two of his main guards with him. One being Jimin and the other being Mingyu. All hidden behind the black cloaks and masks. Heave jewellery decorating the sins they committed.

The Lord was aware of the time. He knew by the time he would reach there, everyone would have hit the sack. They all had to wake up early to work for the day and get the material ready for the horsemen who would come from the castle and take the material for the day. Their jobs were harder.

The clops of the horses neared the village. And by the time they reached, the whole village was shushed. The fire in the shacks was blown off. The three of them rested there and observed the village.

His Highness took a box out of his leather carrier and a letter. He smirked and got down from the horse and the other two followed. They hid their horses just outside the village and marched towards her house. The guards lit their Mashal and he took his lantern with him.

The walk to the shack was not as long. Jimin and Mingy were commanded to stay alert and away from the shack.

After he was left alone, he moved towards the back where, he figured, was the slot of his princess. Taking careful steps, he stood in front of the window from where he could see the beauty herself sleeping. His heartbeat soothed. A new feeling flowered around him, making him inch closer to her.

He looked and looked and looked at her. The itch in his hands worsened and begged him to feel you on his fingers. So he does so. He looked around to figure out how he could go inside. There his eyes caught another window which was open for fresh air to go inside. He made a silent work to hop inside the slot.

His feet took him closer to her. He kneeled and sat beside her. Her face looked peaceful under the light of the lantern. Her long-lashed kissed her cheeks. Her lips were slightly ajar. Her nightgown was loose, showing her shoulder. He brought his face to her neck and inhaled her essence deeply. He shuddered and moaned.

“Fuck,” he sniffed her again. “You are so fucking addicting. Soon I'll take you, hm? We will be together forever. I'll give you all the pleasure in the world, Princess,” he mumbled. “No one will even dare to think about taking you away.”

As much as he wanted to touch her, he didn't. He kept his hands tied and just sniffed her scent. He looked at her. Her body looked so vulnerable. Slowly, he removed the thin sheet from her. His dick twitched in his clothes as he saw her gown ridden up, showing a peak of her clothed pussy. His breath sharpened. His wicked mind made him scrunch up the gown just enough for him to see her. The strings of her underwear came undone not even a breath apart. Sneakily, he removed the front flap and saw her bare under his eyes.

His cock kept twitching, and bringing his hand to it, he rubbed himself through the clothes. A sigh of relief escaped from him. She was right there, bare for him. Her hairy pussy looked inviting. But he shook his head and carefully removed her underwear and stuffed it inside his sack and covered her back with the sheet.

Out of nowhere, a crow started cawing by the window. Its cawing was loud and was getting louder and louder. The crow fluttered its wings around.

Hearing the crow, she started moving around, making his heart thump in his chest. He quickly left the box and the letter next to her and got up. After giving a last glance, he left.

“I'll be back for you tomorrow, my Princess.”

…

“Coronis! Coronis! Wake up!” Circe shook Coronis. “Mother had asked for you.”

“What happened?” she sleepily mumbled.

“Something,” said Circe in a hurry.

“Okay, I'll be there in a minute,” Coronis stretched.

Circe went out of the slot and closed the door behind her. Coronis sat up and stretched her neck and looked around. Her eyes fell on a time box next to her head towel. She opened it and saw a necklace that had a tiny bone as a locket. She had seen many animal bones but this was a lot different. Maybe it was a bone from an animal she hasn't seen bones of.

Then she saw a letter laying there too. The paper was not just any ordinary paper, it was a high-quality paper that was sent to the castle. Her hands started shaking as she unfolded it. There were the words written in beautiful handwriting, and at the end, there were some dark red drops which she figured must be blood.

Her heartbeat increased and started sweating. Her shaky eyes read the letter–

“My dear, If you haven't fogged my mind with your face and lustrous body, then what have? It's been a couple of days since I have been thinking about your beauty like a little boy. My mind goes crazy. Your piquant scent lingers in my nose and makes me want to sniff you forever.

I want you to stick to me. I would never let you go or let anyone hurt you. No one gets to fondle that beauty other than me. You are mine so make sure to not let any single soul touch you unless you want to see more people hanging.

I have brought you a little present. I expect you to wear it. It's not an offer but a command. You know better what happens when someone doesn't listen to me, don't you?

Now, my Princess, I'll end it here so that you can do your job like an obedient little girl.

Your dearest♡.”

The tears threatened out of her eyes. She started hyperventilating. The terror ran through her veins. “No no no,” she mumbled. “This can not happen.”

“Coronis!” She heard her mother calling. Clearing her throat, she wiped her tears and shoved the box and the letterunder her sheet.

“What?” She asked.

“Draco and I are going to the gathering. The message was circulated early this morning. So, we both have to go. The guards will be here soon. The buckets of milk are by the entrance, and the supply of eggs and bread is also there,” Martha informed. The lady stepped closer to Coronis. “And last, you need to bring yeast and dry fruits from Nori’s.”

Coronis kept frowning but nodded. Her heart was still racing and now had no will to face the guards. “Okay.”

Before leaving the shack, Martha turned around, “take Circe with you and be careful.”

Coronis stared at the now closed door. Thoughts were running wild in her mind. There was some deep shit that she had gotten herself into without even knowing.

“Coronis, you should get ready,” Circe said as she sat down and took her slate to study some basics.

Coronis nodded and went into her slot. She moved slowly towards her sheet and took the box and the letter. She took the necklace out and fastened it around her neck with her eyes tearing up. Looking at the letter, she brought it to her nose and sniffed it. It had a scent of woodsy and musky notes. It was unique, something she had never sniffed. The redolent stuck to her nose. It was pleasant and made her want to sniff it again but her fear made her tremble and hide the letter in her trunk of clothes along with the box.

She then quickly removed her clothes to change but her breath hitched at a realisation and whispered to herself as tears dripped down her cheeks again, “He did not…”

…

The clops of the horses echoed through the village. The trembles in everyone's heart rose. The paths started to get cleared for the guards to match through. Kids were shoved back into their shacks.

Sighing, Coronis stood up and started taking the big buckets of milk out along with eggs and bread. The demand for her bread was supplied to the king. He always loved it. And every day, a huge amount of bread was supplied to him. He had one rule, what he used, nobody gets to use. If the bread for him was supplied by her, the rest of the castle and commoners would get it from other bakers. Not from her.

She sat outside by the steps, waiting for the guard to come and take the goods away. She looked pretty today. Her hair was down. The black gown she wore was beautiful. The full sleeves were puffy and the neck was high, covering her beautiful collarbone and neck. The reason why she wore it was because of the necklace.

She adored the colour black.

While waiting, her mind ran back to the letter and the necklace. The paper, and the redolent, both were highly graded. The bone necklace was expensive.

They wore jewellery, but it was cheaper. The chain wasn't made of metal, it was made out of black thread and had cheap silver or iron as a locket. But the one she got, the chain was of rose gold and the bone was held with gold.

Someone from the castle is creeping upon her. He is probably the one who took her clothes too after seeing her taking a bath.

Neigh of a horse pulled her out of her mind. She looked up and saw a patrol man getting off. There were two divisions; a guard and a patrolman. Patrolman wasn't the one who usually took the supplies. But he had the carriage that came for her supplies every day. So she stood up and got to work.

She didn't look up at the man but started loading the carriage with buckets of milk and other things. She went back and forth. The man kept following her movements.

After she was done, she tied up everything with a rope so nothing would break or spill. Then she took out her tiny pouch and opened it and forwarded it towards him. She flinched when she felt a warm hand touching hers. Now she looked up at the man, into his eyes. Her mouth fell open after seeing those eyes. They were the same ones she had seen when that old man was beheaded.

Coronis could never forget those eyes. The dark, vicious eyes.

The man put coins in her pouch and kept on holding her cold hands in his warm ones. They glanced into each other's eyes. He brought his hand up to her head and caressed her head.

He felt her soft hair and threaded his hands through them. Slowly, he snaked his hand down to her face and caressed her cheek. He saw how her face started to turn red. She shook in fear.

His thumb gently traced her lower lip and pulled it down. Then he traced her upper lip. It all felt too intimate. He loved the feeling of her against his hands. He wanted to take her then and there.

Coronis's breath hitched when she got the whiff of the hands of the man. They reeked of that woody and musky redolent. Her breath started shortening.

He looked down at her neck and patted it as if he was trying to find something. Then he shoved his hand down her neckline and pulled out the necklace and adored it. She saw him smiling under the mask. His eyes became small as he smiled and felt the bone against his fingers.

He looked up at her, “Never remove it,” her mouth fell ajar at his thick raspy voice.

But she shakily nodded. And pulled the locket and shoved it back into her dress.

His eyes then focused behind her, and she followed his gaze and fell on her little sister who was standing there, terrified.

Coronis got in front of his gaze so that he could not see her sister. She gulped and looked down. He grabbed her chin softly and made her look into his eyes. He looked at her, took all the details of her face and removed his hand from her face and locked the door of the carriage. Getting on his horse, he set one last glance before heading back.

She let out a heavy sigh, finally breathing properly. Now she knew who was the creep that invaded her privacy.

“Circe, go get ready, we gotta go and get the goods Mother asked us for.”

…

The market was, as always, tight. People were fighting for the material. Some were bargaining with the vendors to relieve some prices.

Coronis held Circe's hand tightly to not lose her anywhere. She didn't want to bring her but her staying at the shack, alone, would have been nerve-racking. “Do not leave my side, alright?” Coronis said.

“I won't,” the little girl nodded and grabbed her sister's hand tighter.

A knife was secured with the older one just in case. The open market was far more dangerous than it seemed. Predators roamed around, trying to find their prey in the open. The worst part was that no one ever helped anyone out of it. If someone is dying, they are dying. There is no other way unless they are brought to the physician. But that was mainly done by the family.

They both stopped by the Ji-un’s to buy some yeast. And then walked towards Nori.

Nori was a sweet girl. Coronis was fond of her. She was sweet-spoken and on certain occasions, she took care of Circe as her own sister. It had been a good while since she last met her.

Coronis and Nori both started chit-chatting about things. The dry fruits were looking nice. She was ordered to make some dry fruit cake. So she selected good quality dry fruits and started looking for other things for her baked goods.

Baking was something Coronis loved. She found her escape in it. Every single day, she would tie her hair up and put on her black apron. Her recipes were always secret, even from her own mother. She always said that if you love doing something and put love into it, there is no way that the goods won't turn good even if they are for the devil himself. She was gifted in baking.

Her melodious voice would tingle through the shack while she baked and mixed the ingredients together to make another scrumptious food. It was her h—

“Coronis!” a scream made Coronis's blood drain from the face. She looked around but Circe was gone.

“Coronis!” she ran towards the sound, dropping everything at Noris.

“Circe!” she called. “Where are you?!”

“Coronis!” the little girl screamed again.

There were people gathering in one place. Coronis went there and saw a patrolman holding Circe in a headlock. “Circe!” She ran towards her sister but other guards held her back. “No! Not her! Punish me! Not her!” Coronis begs, her tears running down her cheeks.

“Shut up!” the man yelled and held Circe tighter. “Do you not know what happens to those who come in our way?!”

“Please, I beg your mercy!” Coronis kneeled down and rubbed her hands together. “She is a child. She doesn't know much. Please, let her go! Take me instead! Kill me, not her!”

“You should have thought about it before, lady,” the patrolman pulled out his longsword and raised it high up in the sky, ready to take Circe away from Coronis.

Coronis begged and begged. She closed her eyes but never stopped begging for mercy. After a few, a sound of a sword separating a head came. The whole village was silenced. Only Coronis's cries were heard, still begging for Circe's life.

“Coronis!” She felt a tiny human latching onto her. She opened her eyes and saw Circe hugging her and crying like no end.

She looked around and glanced at the man who was holding Circe was not beheaded. Her eyes fell on the man who was standing near it with a bare sword drenched in blood.

Those eyes. It was him.

Coronis crawled to him and bowed down to him. “Master! Thank you for sparing her life!” Coronis cried hysterically. She kept on crying and said good words to him. Circe, too, bowed and thanked him for letting her go.

From far away, he looked at what was happening. He heard a little girl screaming for some Coronis. He would have not interfered but he saw his Princess running and crying towards the little girl that his man was holding. He could not bear to see her cry and beg such a low life for having mercy on a little girl.

He turned his horse towards them and saw that the little girl was at her shack. Coronis was rubbing her hands, begging but he was ready to take a life that could possibly ruin Coronis's life. That boiled his blood and made him see red.

He moved behind that man and worked his sword once and the head of the fucker was gone. His breath swelled. He got down from his horse and saw the sisters crying.

When Coronis crawled and thanked him for sparing Circe's life. He wanted to cry and take her in his arms and make her feel better but he knew better than to do this.

He patted both of their heads and got on his horse and rode away and two others followed him.

Coronis hugged Circe closer and stood by looking at the man who was going away and away. He was wicked and cracked. But saved her life's life. She could never thank him enough for this… even though he did unforgivable things to her last night without her knowledge. Her sister still stood higher and far more important than her dignity.

“Circe, never make me this weak, for my sake.”

…..

Sanaa's note:

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Let me know your thoughts! Your words really help me a lot and motivate me to write more frequently! The feedback from chapter one made me write this one faster. Thank you so much! I hope you guys will keep on interacting and won't be silent! 💓

The behaviour of all the characters is visualize.

Taglist:

@veneziamadness @cheline @sansmilkbread @jayb17 @constantlydelulusional @8tinytings @tea4sykes; @darkuni63 @mageprincess7 @whipwhoops @ackercute @ane102 @kimseokjinsmirror1233 @sparklingglory @jungkooks21 @namjoonscrabjuice @yluv-damara-13

[immaterial-pearl]

Recs of my fav things with mental illness/trauma/neurodiversity representation that lets their characters be unpleasant and full people:-).

These are a collection of things I personally found relateable, over the course of my life. Almost all of these are aimed at adults (but not all!) and it's okay to disagree with me on wether these are good or not, but I put them on this list because I like them and I like how they portray complex mentally ill characters.

Here’s a randomizer that picks one at random!!!

Pieta, by Nanae Haruno. Genre: josei manga (josei is manga aimed at women, usually ones in their 20's). Two girls who struggle with mental health fall in love.

Dungeon Meshi, dir. Yoshihiro Miyamjima, original story by Ryoko Kui. Genre: fantasy anime. After his sister is eaten by a dragon, a man does his best to get her body back and revive her. In order to survive he decides to cook monsters with his party, instead of trying to travel with food from outside of the dungeon. Personal note: autism meshi. My personal favourite is Kabru, because he's literaly me when it comes to Being Totally Normal About Human Interaction.

Burnt Sugar, by Avni doshi. Genre: literary novella. A woman starts losing her grip on reality as her mother starts losing her memory. My personal opinion: it's just amazing, god, one of my favourite books ever, no book ever portrayed psychosis in such a personally relateable way, even tho I differ from the protag on so many levels.

Promising Young Woman, dir. Emerald Fennel. Genre: a deconstruction of revenge films. A woman traumatised by her friends suicide tries to avenge her.

Simon Snow triology, by Rainbow Rowell. Genre: ya fantasy and romance, deconstruction of chosen one stories, wizard school. Note: the exploration of ptsd mostly happens in book 2 and 3. The first book differs both in subject matter and tone, and was written originally as a stand alone. A typical chosen one protag defies the narrative set on him. Personal note: the way trauma reflected on protag's relationship with sex was so well thought out. Reread this out of nostalgia recently and found myself stunned on how uniquely well it's written.

Fleabag, screeplay by Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Genre: dark comedy, drama. A woman who seems aware of the fourth wall tries to cope with her best friend’s death.

Revolutionary Girl Utena, dir. Ikuhara Kunihiko. Genre: magical girl anime deconstruction, fairy tale deconsturction, psychological horror. A girl who wants to become a prince gets tangled in messy drama of the student council, after she wins a duel and accidentally becomes engaged to a girl they refer to as the rose bride. Personal note: FAVOURITE SHOW EVER, a queer classic, ectetera, the most complex show ever written in my personal opinion, the entire narrative is about patriarchy's evils, and damn, no show since did it better imo.

Boy meets Maria, by Peyo. Genre: romance manga. A boy falls in love with a member of his high school's theatre, who turns out to be a boy.

The Locked Tomb, by Tamsyn Muir. Genre: sci-fi fantasy horror. In a planet system of necromancers, a girl from a planet with a single living necromancer gets picked to be said necromancers swordwoman, when she tries to become a saint. Personal note: you will not believe the amount of Insane Undead Lesbians this series has. READ IT.

Bojack Horseman, main writer Raphael Bob Waksberg. Genre: dark comedy, animated sitcom. A horse/man way past his prime still lives off of money from playing in a 90’s sitcom.

My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness, by Nagata Kabi. Genre: manga memoir. A depressed woman who has trouble with forming relationships tries to have her first time with a sex worker.

Pinky and Pepper forever, by Eddy Atoms. Genre: horror, dark comedy comic. Two art student girlfriends try to survive art school, and later meet again in hell.

A pale view of hills, by Kazuo Ishiguro. Genre: literary fiction. An imigrant woman, recalls her first pregnancy and a short friendship she had back in Japan.

Neon Genesis Evangelion, dir. Hideaki Anno. Genre: mecha anime, psychological horror. A boy is forced to pilot a robot by his absent father who runs a para-military organisation. Personal notes: second favourite anime of mine, every character is their own shade of unwell, there is a reason this is a classic.

Fight Club, by Chuck Palachniuk. Genre: thiller, literary fiction. A white collar man loses his apartment and moves in with his strange working class friend. Personal note: even if you've seen the film, read the original.

The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. Genre: literary fiction, semi-memoir. A talented writer fights her suicidality and depression.

Crying in H-Mart, by Michelle Zauner. Genre: memoir. The author recalls her mother's last months and death.

My Dark Vanessa, by Kate Elizabeth Russel. Genre: literary fiction. After her ex teacher is accused of sexual assault, a woman recalls her high school romance with him. Personal note: this is heavily inspired by Lolita, and even though I've read both I kind of prefer this book, fight me.

Summer, 1993, dir. Carla Simón. Genre: drama. A young girl spends her first summer in a new home after her parents die. Personal note: good representation of a young child processing trauma is so rare!!!!

My Broken Mariko, by Hirako Waka. Genre: josei manga. After her friend's death, a woman goes out of her way to find out why she died, disbelieving her friend would kill herself.

Everything, everywhere, all at once, dir. Daniel Kwan and Schienert. Genre: sci-fi. A woman discovers multiverse time travel while trying to do her taxes, and processes her troubled relationship with her daughter.

[deep-dive]

2023

albums/eps: a.s.o. - a.s.o. Amaarae - Fountain Baby Amnesia Scanner & Freeka Tet - STROBE.RIP André 3000 - New Blue Sun ANOHNI and the Johnsons - My Back Was a Bridge for You to Cross Anthony Naples - Orbs bar italia - Tracey Denim Beach Fossils - Bunny Ben Vida, Yarn/Wire & Nina Dante - The Beat My Head Hit Beverly Glenn-Copeland - The Ones Ahead Biosphere - N-Plants Blonde Redhead - Sit Down for Dinner Bored Lord - Name It Call Super - Eulo Cramps Carly Rae Jepsen - The Loveliest Time Caroline Polachek - Desire, I Want to Turn Into You Chuquimamani-Condori - DJ E Cole Police - If I Don’t See You in the Future, I’ll See You in the Pasture Dean Blunt - Give me a moment DJ Lostboi - Music for Landings DJ Sabrina the Teenage DJ - Destiny Double Virgo - hardrive heat seeking Eartheater - Powders The Embassy - E-Numbers Everything But the Girl - Fuse Fever Ray - Radical Romantics Freak Heat Waves - Mondo Tempo Headache - The Head Hurts but the Heart Knows the Truth Hiroyuki Onogawa - August in the Water: Music for Film 1995-2005 Jam City - Jam City Presents EFM James Ivy - Everything Perfect Jessy Lanza - Love Hallucination Jim Legxacy - homeless n****a pop music Joanne Robertson - Blue Car Jonnine - Maritz Kelela - Raven Khotin - Release Spirit Kota Hoshino, Shoi Miyazawa - Armored Core VI OST Laurel Halo - Atlas Loraine James - Gentle Confrontation Maria BC - Spike Field mark william lewis - Living Matmos - Return to Archive MIZU - Distant Intervals ML Buch - Suntub Noriko Tujiko - Crépuscule I & II Nourished by Time - Erotic Probiotic 2 Oneohtrix Point Never - Again Osmotic & Fennesz - Senzatetto Pierre Rousseau - Mémoire De Forme Purelink - Signs Ryuichi Sakamoto - 12 Sofia Courtesies - Madres ssaliva - sector6park/counterfeit Sufjan Stevens - Javelin Tim Hecker - No Highs Tirzah - trip9love…??? Wild Nothing - Hold Yves Tumor - Praise a Lord Who Chews but Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds) µ-Ziq - 1977 7038634357 - Neo Seven

songs: a.s.o. - Love in the Darkness Addison Rae - I got it bad Alex Kassian - Leave Your Life (Lonely Hearts Mix) Amaarae - Reckless & Sweet Amnesia Scanner & Freeka Tet - Clown André - Ants To You, Gods To Who ? ANOHNI and the Johnsons - Can’t ANOHNI and the Johnsons - It Must Change Anthony Naples - Silas Armin van Buuren & Punctual - On & On (ft. Alina) bambinodj - High as Ever Still Passin' Through (Remix) bar italia - Nocd Baths - Do I Make the World Worse Beach Fossils - Don’t Fade Away Beverly Glenn-Copeland - People of the Loon Bibio & Óskar Guðjónsson - Sunbursting Björk & Rosalía - Oral Blawan - Toast Bored Lord - Wait Wait Wait bvdub - Days on Heaven and Earth Call Super - Coppertone Elegy Carly Rae Jensen - Psychedelic Switch Caroline Polachek - Bunny Is a Rider (Doss Remix) Caroline Polachek - Crude Drawing of an Angel Chuquimamani-Condori - Eat My Cum Chuquimamani-Condori - Know Dean Blunt - Rinsed (ft. TYSON) Dj Lostboi - PUF 2 LAX DJ Sabrina the Teenage DJ - For Now and Forever Double Virgo - gainfully deployed EASYFUN - Long Long Time The Embassy - Amnesia ESP - North Fever Ray - Kandy Freak Heat Waves & Cindy Lee - In a Moment Divine Fwea-Go Hit - Back Wildin Headache - That Thing with the Rabbit Headache - Truism 4 Dummies Hemlocke Springs - sever the blight Hudson Mohawke & Nikki Nair - Demuro Ike - Rose Quartz Jam City - Magnetic James K & hoodie - Ether Jessy Lanza - Don’t Cry On My Pillow Jim Legxacy - amnesia111 Jim Legxacy - candy reign (!) Jonnine - Tea For Two (Boo) Kelela - Divorce Khotin - Computer Break (Late Mix) Kylie Minogue - Hold on to Now Laurel Halo, Bendik Giske, Lucy Railton & James Underwood - Earthbound Loraine James - Tired of Me Lorenzi - Lonely Cowboy Tales (Crayon Moon Remix) LSDXOXO - Devil’s Chariot Maria BC - Still Maria BC - Watcher mark william lewis - Living Mc LcKaiique, MC Celo BK & DJ Jeeh FDC - Quem Tá de Motão, Vou Sarrar Puta Na Marcone (ft. DJ Biel Divulga) ML Buch - High speed calm air tonight Nation & Ecco2k - Ça Va Nicole Dollanganger - Gold Satin Dreamer Nourished by Time - Rain Water Promise Oliver Coates - One Without Oneohtrix Point Never - Krumville Purelink - We Should Keep Going Shoi Miyazawa - Rough and Decent Slayyyter - Miss Belladonna Sufjan Stevens - Shit talk Tim Hecker - Total Garbage Tirzah - u all the time Troye Sivan - Got Me Started Wild Nothing - Suburban Solutions Yves Tumor - Echolalia Yves Tumor - Fear Evil Like Fire µ-Ziq - 4am

mixes: CFCF - CFCF for TERMINAL 27 Chuquimamani-Condori - Fact Mix 937 PC Music - 10 Physical Therapy - car culture remissions vol. 4 plush - LIVE AT SKSKSKSK S-candalo - Fact Mix 897 WHY BE - OdyXxey Radio Mix

movies: Afire (Christian Petzold) All the Beauty and the Bloodshed (Laura Poitras) E6-D7 (Eno Swinnen) Evil Dead Rise (Lee Cronin) Grown in Darkness (Devin Shears) How Do You Live? (Hayao Miyazaki) The Killer (David Fincher) Killers of the Flower Moon (Martin Scorsese) Knock at the Cabin (M. Night Shyamalan) Last Summer (Catherine Breillat) May December (Todd Haynes) Oppenheimer (Christopher Nolan) The Outwaters (Robbie Banfitch) Rotting in the Sun (Sebastián Silva) Showing Up (Kelly Reichardt) The Zone of Interest (Jonathan Glazer)

games: Alan Wake II Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon Baldur’s Gate III Blasphemous II Diablo IV Humanity Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom Lies of P Metroid Prime Remastered Octopath Traveler II Pikmin 4 Star Ocean: The Second Story R Super Mario Bros. Wonder Theatrhythm Final Bar Line Wo Long: Fallen Dynasty

[obrother1976]

can u make like. ur top 10 books. freak books. anything. kisses your brain

sure!! these r not gonna be ranked bc god knows i could never choose between them & also im gonna be annoying and ramble a bit about every one

death in venice by thomas mann (classic. but its so rich w metaphors and symbolism. if you do read it, i'd recommend reading "the uses of myth in death in venice" by isadore traschen afterwards, bc it does a great job explaining all the freudian allegories and mythological symbolism and u'll literally be tearing ur hair out afterwards over how brilliant thomas mann was)

the carnivorous lamb by agustín gómez-arcos (idc that i've already talked about this a gajillion times on here. its literally the best book i've ever read. i'll forever be obsessed and i wish there was literally anything that could ever hit as hard as this did. if u read it, anon (if u havent already) dont go through the carnivorous lamb tag on here bc u need to experience this without any big prior knowledge. trust me)

erotism: death and sensuality by george bataille (ik im just listing the classics atp. but how could i ever leave that one out. this ones a lot and depending on how into bataille & philosophy in general u are it could be too much. but if u havent already read this one anon, just read the introduction. trust me ure gonna loose it from that alone)

gemini by michel tournier (this one... took me ages to get through it on my first read bc of the way its written, but it was so worth it. not even gonna say much about this one - its basically like if twins by bari wood was good lmao)

incest: from a "journal of love": the unexpurgated diary of anais nin, 1932-1934 (or every anais nin diary ever in general, but this one especially. there was just no one that got it quite like she did)

indecent theology: theological perversions in sex, gender and politics by marcella althaus-reid (sorry for literally recommending theory. im pretty sure u were asking for fiction lol, but this (& althaus-reid in general) is everything to me. if u've any interest whatsoever in theology u should check this one out)

the sluts by dennis cooper (slightly controversial opinion i think? not that the book itself is controversial, just that dennis cooper is very hit and miss at times. this book tho, definite hit. its so intense and convoluted and i loved every second of it. read this before death and sensuality and u're guaranteed to think of nothing else for at least a month)

querelle of brest by jean genet ("those knock-out body fluids: blood, sperm, tears!". kind of a classic since theres also the fassbinder movie but i prefer the book tbh. its been a while since i've read it but it'll forever be in my favourites)

crash by j.g. ballard (yeah ik we've all seen crash but i need more ppl to read the book. hold on actually i need to insert one of my favourite bits from it here:

Reaching through the fractured windshields and passenger windows around me, I marked my semen on the oily instrument panels and binnacles, touching these wound areas at their most deformed points.)

ada, or ardor: a family chronicle by vladimir nabokov (one of the most beautiful books i've ever read. probably not the most helpful recommendation bc im pretty sure its a classic but i cant not mention it.)

also some bonus recommendations of books that didnt make the list bc they're either not freak books or bc i havent read them yet:

christopher and his kind by christopher isherwood (not a freak book. not even remotely. but will forever have a special place in my heart.)

the sparrow by maria doria russell (read this one anon!!! this would be on the list, but im not fully finished w it yet so i cant officially put it in my top 10 yet)

exquisite corpse by poppy z. brite (havent read that one yet but its on my list!!)

autobiography of red by anne carson (not a freak book. beautifully written, a work of art really)

as meat loves salt by maria mccann (havent read that one yet. hoping its as good as everyone says)

skagboys by irvine welsh (one thing about me is that i'll always find a way to mention the trainspotting books)

[tujhse-raabta]

*shakes my cup for more Tony Stark headcannons*

Oh my god you're GETTING THEM ILY

first off. god. this boy. this boy. i am sorry but there are TWO characters i project myself on to, and it is him and caroline. he is so precious to me god

when he loves? he wants to be at the centre of their fucking world. you know why?

because the two people who were supposed to love him didn't do it as they should have. because the centre of Maria Stark's world were the drugs, and the centre of Howard Stark's world was Steve Rogers.

he needs to be loved unconditionally. he thinks he can ONLY be loved DESPITE who he is - because howard fucking stark taught him that he, as he is, is unlovable.

he finds Pepper. someone who has the POTENTIAL to stay - and so, he does everything to make up for what she can't tolerate.

but god. rhodey.

rhodey is - he's been there, and he'll always be there. the man saw this tiny white boy going around, and decided yep, that one's gonna be protected and loved by me forever.

i truly think that their love just - is all encompassing. i also think that tony fell first, yeah.

i headcanon that rhodey didn't see him as that, though. not at first. Not just because of the age gap, but also the fact that he just thought of him as a brother.

but one day? it's a birthday party, and tony stark is radiant as ever, and Jim needs to leave for the military soon. tony is radiant yet drunk off his mind, dancing on the table, laughing and shouting and screaming - and this man catches his eyes across the room.

and blinks, soft and slow smile spreading across his lips. they stretch as if they were made to smile for rhodey.

and oh, how he tumbles into the realisation of love.

they are so precious i can't i CAN'T

[yall-hate-kids-tourney]

Loser Round 6: Maria Ushiromiya (Umineko: When They Cry) vs. Ken Amada (Persona 3)

Propaganda below the cut:

Maria Ushiromiya (9):

She's really obsessed with occult and witch stuff and acts inappropriately when her family gets murdered because she was told by the culprit that everyone was going to the Golden Land (a super special witch afterlife where you get whatever you want). She also has meltdowns like any autistic child. Because of this, some Umineko fans say that she deserves to get abused by her mother.

----

People really do be saying that this literal nine year old who's been abused and neglected by her mom for her whole life is evil

----

Some people in the Umineko fandom have decided that she's annoying because she's a 9 year old with autism. Personally I think she's based. She has a hard life but still tries her hardest to see the goodness in everything. She's kind, even feeling sorry for a wilting flower and hoping it'll get better. She's a very smart young girl who just isn't given the proper love a child needs from their parents to thrive. She deserved SO, SO much better than the cards life dealt her. I mustn't talk too much else I'll get emotional but Maria is peak.Best autistic witch girl.

Ken Amada (11):

y'all are all for "murder and revenge plots" until is a 10 y/o boy who watched his mother die and started to become conflicted after realizing his moms killer is a secretly kind traumatized teenager to the point where the 10 y/o boy attempts to kill himself by giving himself up to assassins.

bro he's 10.

----

ken amada is such an interesting character with the unfortunate circumstances of having little screentime and atlus deciding to ruin his reputation forever by giving him a romance choice in the fem protag route. ken is a child who lost his mother at NINE. nobody ever believed him when he said that she was murdered, and that he saw who killed her. hes miserable, and all everyone around him does is give him sympathy while hes suffering and was forced to grow up before even going into middle school. hes angry and determined to get revenge on the person who killed his mother, and he doesnt even see the own value in living anymore beyond getting that revenge. hes more mature than most of his peers, and is desperate to be seen as an adult.but at the same time, he is still a child who likes superhero shows.

----

OH GOD WHERE DO I START

First there's the normal "The fandom hates kids" complaints of "He's so whiny" "he's so annoying" "oh my god kid just SHUT UP" y'know, the typical fandom stuff that makes you wonder if these people have ever talked to a child in their life

Second, there's (spoilers)...

October 4th, and the ENTIRE FANDOM is calling this kid a murderer.

For context, the moment in question doesn't necessarily paint him in the best light but its still understandable. Your team is going on a mission while Ken and another character named Shinjiro are away. In an alleyway, they have a talk where it is revealed that on that night a year priar to the game, Kens mom was killed in that allleyway by Shinjiro's Persona (Which, by the Rules of the Game Lore, basically means By Shinjiro). Ken tried to tell the authorities, the authorities didn't believe him because Magic Reasons and the death was ruled an accident.

Of course Ken is Fucking Pissed and wants revenge

However, because of Talk, he ACTIVELY CALMS DOWN, and realises "Hey, I probably shouldn't kill someone. Despite them, y'know, killing my mom"

HOWEVER REVOLVER JESUS COMES IN AND RUINS EVERYTHING BY SHOOTING SHINJIRO. AND LIKE, IF YOU PLAY P3P YOU CAN /AVOID THE DEATH THING/

AND EVERYONE BLAMES /KEN/. AND ONLY KEN.

And third (yes, there's a THIRD) IS THE FUCKING FEMC ROMANCE THING. WHICH JUST...SHOULDN'T HAVE EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. BUT NOW HE'S "SHOTA BAIT" BECAUSE WE HAVE TO BLAME THE CHILD FOR THE AUTHORITY FIGURE COMING ONTO THEM 😒