#god idk how to even phrase my feelings abt it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mysticalsoot · 1 year

Text

miscommunications and mistakes

another fic of my self-indulgent boarding school au

A/N; this was fully based off a dream I had like under a week ago and in all honesty- also reader now has a sister in this au and said sister is dating Tom (don't ask questions okay-)

summary; reader harbours strong feelings for Wil but is too afraid to admit them due to the fear he won't see them for who they are. after they make a slip up after an evening out with him, Wilbur hatches a plan with reader's sister.

tw// swearing, use of bunny as a nickname (reader bounces when excited lol), uses of boy regarding the reader, kissing, lowkey a makeout, dude IDK-- it's like fluff central with dashes of angst..and I wrote Wil as gay in this fic- not making assumptions Abt irl wil- this is just fiction and like super super niche

words; 4.2k

pairings; cc!wilbur x transmale!reader (could be read as nb/non fem presenting, just avoid the uses of boy!)

pronouns; none really! but uses of boy, and uses of y/n!

masterlist

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Normally on weekends, you'd be back in the dorms, stay on campus and revel in what little alone time you had. The peace of silence draped over the halls. Only broken by a few dorm doors slamming from other levels.

But nothing was normal with Wilbur. He came prancing into the dorm, practically skipping when he dipped his head into your bunk and gave you the cheekiest grin he could.

"Heyyy, bunny-" You lifted your head immediately at the sound, lifting your attention from your book to his face and your annoyance at the interruption immediately fizzled out when you saw him. He took away all of your worries and anxieties when he looked at you, and you so desperately wanted him more than a friend--

"Hello to you too, bee," You smiled softly at him as you pulled up your legs to give him room to sit at the end of your bunk, "What's got you all giddy this fine Saturday afternoon, hm?" You knew you were smiling so wide that anyone who wasn't as oblivious as Wilbur would've clocked immediately. But Wil doesn't notice the romantic feelings that seep into your gracious smile or the way your eyes sparkle at the idea of getting more time around him.

"Sooo…" He trailed off, leaning to rest his cheek on your knees as he spoke, "I asked your dad if I could take you with me and go out for the day. Like around mid-city? Go to a couple of different craft shops maybe...You know, do what kids usually do these days-" He lifts his head and cuts himself off, a playful smirk replacing his grin.

"Wilbur, I adore you, but I don't think you have the best idea of what 'kids do these days'," You chuckle softly as you meet his eyes and they crinkle at the corners as he leans his head back against the wall, shaking his head and chuckling with you.

"Fine- but would you still like to go?" He asks, his voice soft, only meant for you despite how the question was one that wouldn't hurt if it graced another's ears. It was for you nonetheless but he made sure it was said just for you and god-- if you didn't know better, you'd say there was a reason.

He's straight, Y/N. Get a grip. You thought, like you always did. At this point the phrase was a mantra, said mentally anytime he did something that could even just barely come off as more than platonic. It was a reminder to you that he couldn't feel the same unless he didn't see you as you were. And he made sure you knew he saw you as nothing but a boy. Just as you are.

"Yes, I'd love to," Your smile was soft, warm and you set aside your book and pulled off your covers just to snake out of your bunk. If you'd look in his direction, you would've noticed Wilbur's sweet and soft smile and his eyes big and wide. But you didn't, and so you lived in ignorance any time he gazed at you for longer than a few seconds--which was every time.

"Wonderful.." The word was mumbled under his breath as you put on your shoes, tying them and hopping up afterwards to grab your wallet.

You walked over to the door and waved with your hand, giggling, "Well come on then! We have craft stores to venture into!"

Your words brought a bright smile to his face as he slunk out of your bunk and followed you, the reminder of his towering height now a thought on the tip of your minds.

"Yes, sir!" He giggles as he follows you, and you feel his hand ghost over your waist from behind, as if he was trying to guide you. Your breath hitches in your throat and stays stuck until his hand is moved back to his side and you let out a small breath, not of relief but you can't entirely tell what feeling lies underneath it.

It wasn't long until you were both outside of Hab 1, exiting into the parking lot and you started walking over to the bus stop. Wilbur grabbed you gently by your wrist and smiled. You turned back to face him, tilting your head to the side as you give him a quizzical look.

He lifted his other hand and dangled your dad's car keys in his palm and your eyes went wide, his hand letting go of your wrist.

"Wil- How?!" Your tone was more surprised as you stepped forward, grasping at the keys almost as if to assure yourself they were real.

"Apparently you're not the only one he favors-" He smiles mischievously and giggles as you grab the keys, before handing them back.

"He trusts you to drive his car? With his child as the passenger?" Your jaw might as well be on the ground with how you gape at Wilbur, at the idea your father trusts him this much. He won't even let Grace drive his car, but then again, she is fifteen and just got her permit so in reality, trusting a sixteen almost seventeen year old with a driver's license a year old actually isn't the worst.

"Yep, he does. I didn't even ask, he just offered. I tried to say no but- Your dad can be scary when he's determined. It also seemed like he wanted to get back to talking to Andy and I'd rather take the offer and let him…talk, than be at the receiving end of his annoyance," He giggles softly as he leads you along across the parking lot to your father's car.

"You mean flirting?" You chuckle softly at the mental image of your dad trying to flirt and falling short repeatedly, even though all he has to do is look Andy's way--

"Okay, that is what I mean-" Wilbur smiles as he scoffs, opening the passenger door and letting you step in before walking to the driver's side and getting in his seat.

The car ride is uneventful after that, music playing in the background as you both hum along to it. Wilbur's eyes intently focused on the road in front of him, more cautious than you've ever seen him before. He was so careful with every move he made, clearly he knew how scary your dad could be when his child is hurt. He could care less about his car getting a scratch or a dent, it's replaceable, expensive, but replaceable. You and your two siblings were not and if you asked any person he passed by through life, he thought the world of you three. You guys are his world and have been since the moment he adopted you. Who knew a mid 20s grad student could find such joy in raising three pre teens into adulthood? The three of you are not pre teens by any means now, and the thought in itself was daunting to him but he found great pride in his kids. Sometimes impulsive decisions you make when you're freshly an adult, pay off.

When Wilbur pulled the car gently into a parking spot, putting it in park and putting the emergency break on--just in case--he sighed and rested his head against the headrest, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. You smiled softly and chuckled along with it as you dipped your head to meet his eyes.

"You okay there, Wil?" He shook his head, as he smiled worriedly.

"Uhh, besides the fact I just drove one of my closest friends in his dad's car, ten minutes away from campus, I'm fine-" He took a few deep breaths as he took the keys out of the ignition and stepped out of the car. You started to follow suit, unlocking your side when he shook his head, "Nope, wait for me."

The words made a dusting of pink crawl up your cheeks as you looked down, smiling to yourself. Wilbur practically ran around the car to your side and he opened the door, "Such a gentleman," You giggled as you stepped out of the car, his hand held out for you and you take it. He closes the door behind you and holds onto your hand for a few seconds longer than what is platonically acceptable--

He's straight, stop it. Another thought, another mantra and you take a deep breath, walking with him onto the sidewalk. You smiled over at him as he smiled back, his eyes on you for a split second before refocusing on the concrete of the walkway and you felt his arm ghost around your waist again, hovering ever so slightly. It's there, but it isn't and you two walked into the first shop, a small bookstore combined with a bakery.

Your eyes lit up at the scents that wafted up your nose immediately, assaulting your senses with warm pastries and the smell of old books despite most of the books being sold are brand new. Wilbur noticed your glowing expression and giggled, the two of you finding a spot out of the way to look at the menu. He leaned down closer to you and spoke by your ear, "Get anything you want, okay? I'm paying, so don't even try to pull out your wallet." He smiled as he pulled back, readjusting his attention to the large menu board on the wall, his arm going back to his side.

You knew not to argue, you wouldn't win anyways, and he'd go as far as taking your wallet and hiding it from you if you even dared to pay. So you shrugged and tried to find a pastry that piqued your interest and it wasn't hard to--it was still before noon and while you ate breakfast with your sister in the cafeteria, you still had a hankering for something breakfast-y.

You told Wilbur your order and he guided you with him to the counter, him taking control of ordering and getting you what you ordered a long with a crossiant for himself. He was smiling politely during the interaction and you watched him the whole time, how he nodded at the cashier, bounced his head a slight bit as his card got rung up. The slight frustration in his eyes when the card wouldn't read the first time--every bit. It wasn't unusual for you to notice all of the small things about him, but to watch him do something like this, somehow felt domestic and just made the happy feelings erupt and flutter in your stomach.

He's straight, why can't you see that? Another thought and you're looking away, trying to hide the small frown that crawls onto your lips.

His arm ghosts again, your lower back now, and then his hand is on your side. You were zoned out, didn't notice the small smile on his lips as he nodded to something the cashier said and then he smiled over at you before guiding you to a table by a window.

He pulls out the chair to the left, smiling and waving for you to take a seat, you do with a soft smile on your lips and he takes his seat across from you. This feels so…nice. But misleading. It almost feels wrong to even imagine the possibility of this being more than a close platonic friendship. Anything more than the obvious.

He breaks the silence with a soft smile, resting his chin on his palm while his other hand rests on the table. You catch his fingers twitching, almost like he was going to reach out to you, but restrained himself, "So after this, craft store?"

"I need yarn anyways, it's dad's birthday soon-" You chuckle softly and Wilbur shakes his head with a smile, scoffing playfully.

"When do you not need yarn?" A small and teasing smirk crawls up on his lips as he folds his arms on the table, leaning forward just a hair.

"When I'm dead," Despite the monotone aura of your delivery, you're smiling widely, a playfulness held in your eyes.

Wilbur laughs softly at you, his eyes crinkling like they always do and his nose scrunching up while he smiles warmly, "Let's hope that isn't soon, alright?" His tone has a genuine warmth to it, like a part of him means what he says and you swear the way he says 'alright?' will be the death of you.

"Well, if I do die soon, Andy is going to have a handful with my father," You scoff slightly, shaking your head at the thought, the conversation topic is dark but your smiles and your playful tone makes it softer.

The moment you finished speaking, your order was called and when you went to stand and get it--Wilbur stopped you by placing his hand on yours for a brief moment, his eyes glancing at yours with a gentle warning in them. So he stood up and walked over, grabbing the two drinks and pastries he ordered for you both, and found his spot back across from you. He rested an arm on the table as he ate his pastry, watching as you eat yours with a happy sway.

"You like it?" Wilbur giggled as he watched you, putting down his pastry so he could rest his chin on his palm, and admire you with a soft smile.

You nodded your head excitedly, smiling wide as you chew. Wilbur smiles as he shakes his head in awe before he finishes his own pastry, you following suit.

The both of you had gotten up afterward, taking your drinks and wandering around the bookshop, picking out books or trinkets for one another. You found a space pen for your dad, Wilbur smiling at your thoughtfulness when you saw it, immediately going on about how much your dad would love it-- how he needed one after Evan stole all of his favorite ones. Wilbur found the moment endearing, seeing you so excited about getting something so small but meaningful for your father. You weren't even there for him, but you managed to think of him anyways.

The rest of your afternoon was spent together, walking around mid-city, going to different shops and making jokes, and sharing glances that should be a tell of mutual feelings but you both were much too oblivious. And afraid.

You feared he was straight or rather, you knew he was straight, whilst Wilbur feared that if you knew he liked you, you'd think he thought that way because he saw you as a girl. Which was not true by any means but he knew you too well, he knew how your mind worked, how those negative thoughts would seep in and infest anything positive.

It was inching closer and closer to dinner time for that evening, and you both promised that you'd be back beforehand, even if it was the weekend, neither of you liked being late for things. Regardless of if lunch times were flexible and merely a suggestion, it still bothered you both to be there past time.

"So, did you enjoy your day?" Wilbur asked softly as he looked down at you, a sweet smile on his lips as he admired you. You didn't notice the glint in his eyes or the way he bit his lip gently when he looked at you. How would you notice?

"I loved it, Wil," Your own smile matched his and as you went to open the passenger side door, Wilbur tsked and immediately opened it for you. You groan at him, in playful annoyance as you roll your eyes, "Seriously, Wilbur?"

"Yes, seriously. I am a gentleman, am I not?" The boy smiles softly, eyes crinkling and glowing with…appreciation and platonic love--which is what you decided to call it and you hoped it was something more.

“If I argue, I'm not going to get anywhere, am I?” You tilt your head to the side slightly, a teasing and playful smirk on your lips as you fold your arms over your chest. You lean against the side of the car door, chin up to meet his eyes. He looked away for a moment, smiling as a blush crawled onto his cheeks, and when he looked back at you, his lips curled into a coy smile.

“You’ll never win, darling,” He smirked softly as he dipped his head close to yours, not so far as to insinuate anything more than teasing, platonic banter, but enough to toe the line just a hair.

“Okay- Fine.”

You tried to ignore the way your voice cracked at the end, how your blush showed on your face, and how your voice entirely deceived you. Wilbur won't notice, you thought, he’s too oblivious.

He did, but he simply smiled to himself as he shut the passenger side door and walked around the car to the driver’s side. The drive was decently silent, a comment here and there but the drive back to campus was short anyhow so there wasn’t much you could say anyhow. Once he pulled into a parking space, he leaned against the headrest, turning his head to face you, a small smile on his lips.

You smiled back and as you looked at him, he felt too distracting. Everything about him, his stupid fuzzy curls, those puppy eyes--the way his dimples and smile lines showed ever so slightly. How his lips were so pink, curled into such a small and sweet smile--his cheeks softly dusted with pink- You wanted to kiss him right then and there, it was stupid but you weren’t sure how much longer you could let yourself hold back. And it wasn’t like you were the one to make impulsive decisions by any means. You weren't someone to let your feelings overtake your logical thinking but god…he looked too pretty to think about it. So you kissed him. You leaned over the central console and you kissed him, it was just a simple peck but it was enough to spark fireworks in your stomach. It felt like an eternity that you had your lips on his when it was mere moments before you pulled back and reality rushed in. How stupid you felt and now how embarrassed you were.

"God-- Wil, I'm sorry just-- Sorry." You mutter out, turning a deep shade of red and feeling that burning feeling of guilt build in your gut. You reached over and opened the car door just moments later and Wilbur did the same on his side, not saying anything in response. You wished he would just yell at you, it's better than painful silence like this.

He stopped at the gate, stumbling over his words, “Uh, I promised Tech I would hang out with him- like over in the Davidson Center so I- I’ll see you later, yeah?”

You nodded, trying to give a soft smile but ultimately failing and walking the other way.

You are an idiot, or at least that’s the conclusion you’re coming to. It isn’t greatly beneficial but neither is impulsively kissing your probably straight best friend, now is it?

You tried to shrug off every negative and intrusive thought, walking up the stairs to your dorm so you could vent and complain to your sister, and that plan couldn’t be spoiled at this point. A few more steps and you were swinging open the dorm door, sighing from relief when you find Grace entirely alone in the dorm.

“Jesus- knock next time!” She jumped in her place, nearly screaming as she got spooked from reading peacefully in her bunk. Her face was written in a slight scowl but her expression softened the moment you met her eyes, “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up,” You run your hands down your face as you find a seat on the bench, leaning against the desk.

“How..so?” Grace’s voice was unsure as she climbed down the ladder of her bunk, walking over to you, and sitting next to you.

“I kissed him-”

“Wait really? Finally!” She was beaming with excitement and you shoot a glare at her, her demeanor changes immediately, “How bad?”

“Okay well for starters- after he didn't even say anything until we got to the gate and then he told me he was going to see Tech- and that’s fine honestly it could’ve gone worse but I really think I messed up big time now- I mean, he’s straight for fucksake!” You speak all in one breath, taking a deep breath afterward and leaning your head on your sister's shoulder.

She holds back a laugh as she whispers, “Did he kiss back?”

“Yeah-” She was about to cut you off when you spoke again, “But it doesn’t mean anything. It could’ve just been instinct,” You screw your eyes shut, the guilt building up into your throat, burning your insides.

“You’re not going to listen to what I have to say so I’ll say this; give him time to process and you won’t feel like such shit anymore, okay? Now, I think you should go lay under the Saturn V and decompress, yeah? It’s your spot,” Grace smiles softly as she ushers you up to stand, nearly pushing you out of the dorm.

“Fine- Fine- I get it, Tom is coming over isn't he?” You throw a playful smirk as you chuckle softly at the way your sister is acting. She scowls softly and a slight pink tint crawls up her cheeks.

“No- absolutely n- okay maybe. Now, go!” You roll your eyes playfully as you walk away.

A bit of fresh air wouldn’t hurt.

The thing is, the Davidson Center, which is where the decoy Saturn V sits outside, is on the other side of campus. So while it was mid-October and decently chilly, you still managed to break a sweat and be a bit out of breath. The hilly paths and the heat leftover from the day radiating from the asphalt also did not help. A few minutes passed and you were through the gate and under the large rocket.

You sighed a breath of relief at how cool it was underneath, not a single drop of sunlight as the sun began to set behind the hills and trees. So you found a seat underneath, closing your eyes and letting the wind rake through your hair and fan over your face, silence draping your being in a meditative comfort.

And then it was broken, “Hey, bunny,” Your eyes shot open at the sound of the familiar voice, the nickname processing only afterward, and the voice was quickly identified as Wilbur.

“I thought you had plans with your brother?” You ask softly, moving to stand from your spot on the concrete. You didn’t take any steps forward, but he took them towards you.

“I did, he had a meeting with his crew trainer that got in the way,” He shrugs, smiling soft and sweet as he took a few more steps towards you, the space between both of you, now gone.

You smile back, memories of fear and guilt so far gone that all you feel is that usual hoard of butterflies in your gut. He puts his hands gently on your upper arms, his thumbs rubbing softly as he looks down, shuffling his feet. Part of you wants to freeze at his touch, but you instead melt, letting out a soft and satisfied sigh.

“I need to tell you something,” Wilbur starts, his feet stopping their shuffles as he moves his eyes to meet yours.

“Yeah?” Your voice is soft and small, eyes widened only slightly as you search his face for any inkling of what he may need to say--and you come up with nothing.

“I think…” He trails off as his eyes dart from yours down to your lips and back to your eyes, “I think it would be better if I speak with action,” And so, he drops his hands to your sides, letting himself wear a small smirk on his lips before he leans down and captures you in a deep and passionate kiss. One that if it goes on too long, lips will be left pink and swollen from how much love gets poured into it. Wilbur then moves a hand up to cup your cheek, and then his other on your other cheek, thumbs rubbing the soft skin gently as you reach your arms up and drape them over his neck. You pull him down slightly, opening your mouth just a hair more to somehow deepen the kiss even more than it already is. His body presses on yours as you press yours upwards onto his. Soft sighs and sounds of excitement slip out, swallowed by one another as sweet smiles curl up on both of your lips. It’s only when you’re both desperate for air that he pulls back, running his thumb over your lips, admiring how pink they are. And he smirks, “Oh, I’m gay by the way,” He chuckles softly as you swat at his arm, smiling wide from euphoria.

“No fucking shit, Sherlock!” You both giggle and he drops his head down onto your shoulder, pulling you close into a hug.

“I’m sorry about earlier- I was… kind of shocked and I didn’t know how to react. I just- I hope this makes up for it,” He sighs against your shoulder before turning his face against your neck, rubbing your back as he smiles, “I like you, like, a lot. And in the gay way.”

You giggle in response, “You know, I like you too,”

taglist; @sleepyburs @lillylvjy @ella-fella-bo-bella

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xiaoluclair · 1 year

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hello okay i've seen you reblog 4433 posts so this is my invite for you to go fully incoherent rambling about why you love 4433 pretty please?

okay so i sure as hell ain't a vet but i Am intrigued invested enamored hopelessly sinking and it goes like This:

ONE. racer4racer ruthless4ruthless champion4champion. yall heard lewis talk about booing?? it just fuels me 💪💪. yall heard max? i'll just take my trophy home and they can have a nice evening ☺️. the objective energies are a SPECTRUM apart. but then you look a little deeper and Yeah, that's. thats a champion there and champion there.

alexa play monza 2021 silverstone 2021 jeddah 2021 interlagos 2022. in other words: racing other people?? yeah, fine. Can Do, no Problemo. racing each other? explosion Noises.

i.e. u know the phrase Opposites Attract? well. Yeah . onto

TWO. Opposites! e.g. Agendas (for lack of a better word.) max will kneel, will speak when spoken to. but give that kid the choice and he aint sayin a word. he is there to Race and have Laffs why u askin me about my political stance on cheese 🙄😒. lewis on the other more vocal hand Will Speak Out. prbly maybe it traces back to their childhoods, but im not getting into that Particular thing bc its too heavy for this and im not about to make it into a joke, So. yeah, the way they view their own Purpose within fame, the way max Wouldnt bc he thinks hes too small, insignificant in worldwide change, doesnt believe he can do Much for those larger social issues, then lewis doing so many things bc he might not alter the globe singlehandedly but he wants to be part of that smth Bigger. and no that is Not me saying max doesnt have a heart or doesnt want to help bc we've seen him raise donations and be Kind and condemn people for their shitiness. i just think, Opposites.

keeping with the seriousness: yall ever seen max wear smth not white and jeaned other than his racesuit and swim trunks?? MAYBE i can give him the singular fucking bowtie. lewis? ur catchin him suckin of the w14 before u catch him in that shit (Affectionate).

and to their hearts: both of them, who race to win, to be the fastest, to take home the trophy, to feed that fire as it burns on the track, to make their fathers proud. and then: lewis, who lives with faith, who races with God, who want to break records. max, who lives against superstition, who races with gut, who wants to rest. so Yeah. Opposites.

nYway,

THREE. i realize i havent actually touched much on their actual Dynamic HEE, so like. theyre fukin . miscroscope-worthy. in that they should be Studied. intently. i Cant with the whole, the whole Thing they have like. yeah no theyre not Best Buds or anythin but they Have been amicable. acquaintances. Rivals. and there is no fucking way im feeling Nuthin about two men racing with the Sole Focus of beating the other. first, thats 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈YYY!!! second, that is Everything. who tf is feeling what either of them are feeling going into abu dhabi 21. who Else is putting down his visor knowing its Make or Break. who else is sinking into their cockpit pulling up at the starting line exhaling into their helmet as they watch the lights go out knowing its Now. its there, for Me or Him. its pinned in the center of Us right in the middle, could tip either way. who else, if not each other???? who ELSE I ASK!! also when tf did it happen before that two f1 title rivals went into the final race on equal points??? once?? idk but the Point is, theres two fuckin people (or close to) in the entire World who've been There, only one person who knows how you couldve truly Felt in ur Soul, hands on the steering wheel foot on the gas, has felt it too and hes sitting to ur left, takin a fuckin selfie of u both like sum social media Diva. smfh.

FOUR! they Actually get along???? like ik to some poople theyre tryna Kill each other 25/8 but dawg i think about tom sharing that lil story abt max asking lewis about his hair all the fucking Time its so Unhealthy i need More. n less often but still deserves Stage Time: lewis saying This Guy, this Fucking guy, and max calling him out on it right there on the podium. lewis showing max shit on his phone, makin him goddamn Giggle. the two of them just Joking Around, idk i think its Sweet. that they Can be okay, yknow, even with all the head to head (head 👀) shit they drove each other to in 21.

FIVE: the misc things! i.e. theyre no1s theyve both fucking Dominated the field. who else has on the current grid, i hear? No Fucking one. only Them. i.e. i think there is so much Potential. ik theyre so Different almost polar arctic antarctic north south but it warms my heart sm when theyre together Because of that. i.e. ik this post doesnt read quite so Shippy as it couldve but idk they make me feel More than that in a way bc theyre just so. Apart. and when they come together, it feels Monumental. plus the absolute Dawg the Cunt the 🧎🧎🧎 they can fit into a single photo:

Yeah .

#if u had ur head in the gutter with one of those last sentences get it Out #xiao: waffle #waffle: mv1.lh44 #zhalia my beloved #3344 #4433 #Anyway . time to go Life #theres prbly More btw but i just #haha cant Think

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pandaemoanium · 8 months

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random vent under the cut about using english as a non-native speaker

a lot of the time i feel very self-conscious whenever i speak or write in english. even though i'm not *bad* at english i can still feel the language barrier holding me back at times. the way i talk and write can be very stiff and it really sticks out, at least to me, and it sometimes makes me feel very stupid.

i can feel the lack of vocabulary and skills hindering my ability to show how i truly feel or think in certain situations and it's frustrating as hell. i know i'm not an idiot. i know that in finnish i'm (usually) a pretty smart person, but in english i sometimes feel like a fucking toddler trying to get a simple point across. the way i talk can also be very awkward because i have to pause *a lot* to find the right words, and i can just *feel* my brain buffering like a fucking youtube video trying to keep up with what i'm trying to say. having to translate everything in your head on the spot can get very exhausting. add chronic anxiety and somewhat lacking social skills into the mix and oh god oh fuck i feel like i can't communicate with people at all sometimes

i use english every single day, most days even more than finnish, whether it's being online scrolling through tumblr or reading articles etc, playing video games, watching shows and movies, chatting with my american boyfriend or my online friends from all around the world. even the UI on my phone/game consoles/etc is in english. i constantly try to improve in hopes of being able to say that i've become "fluent" in english or whatever but idk, i feel like i've hit my skill cap a long time ago and i just can't get any better and it frustrates me so much. i just want to be able to convey my feelings and thoughts as clearly as possible but so much of it seems to quite literally get lost in translation. i hate feeling incompetent and stupid aaaaaaaaaaaaa

i don't think i have the energy to even start talking about how the way i speak english as a non-native speaker can be really weird to a native speaker because of the way i was taught british english but i've also learned american english through media etc and how bc of that i've picked up words and phrases from all over the place so my english is just a weird amalgamation of british mixed with american english from all over the country

i had a point in all this but i forgot abt it a long time ago so this turned into a random vent post lol, thanks for coming to my ted talk i guess

#it's nothing serious. just something that's been on my mind for a lil while #personal

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aeide-thea · 1 year

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the thing that's actually really fascinating abt prev reblog is the people in the notes saying they use both versions (that is, both 'on accident' and 'by accident') but feel the two have slightly different, not registers (which people are also saying and which one might expect—the established 'by' being seen as more formal, and the up-and-coming 'on' more casual), but shades of meaning?

most commonly, speakers seem to be outlining a distinction that's roughly describable as passive vs active: 'something happens by accident' vs 'someone does something on accident.' which is so totally foreign to me, and so neat! love that this shift away from hegemonic usage is also a shift towards greater nuance!

secondarily, a couple of people frame the choice in terms of positive vs negative: 'by accident,' these speakers agree, applies to happy (or at least neutral) accidents, while 'on accident' is reserved for unhappy ones. interestingly, both respondents in this category give examples where the positive outcome is something the speaker has stumbled upon by chance (a 'delicious new spice and food combo,' a 'book series'), but the negative outcome is something they themselves have caused ('i hit someone on accident,' 'i fucked something up as a result of an action i took'), so there are consistent connections being drawn between passive-positive and active-negative.

this is all really interesting to me because i don't think i would ever personally say i had come across something 'by accident'—i'd feel the chance nature of the outcome was already expressed, or at any rate adequately implied, by whatever verb i'd chosen to describe it ('stumbled on,' 'happened upon,' 'came across,' &c), i think, and so for me 'by accident' only really comes into play when disclaiming malice aforethought. language! what is it even!

supporting examples under the cut for length (now in transcribed plaintext):

unending-niight:

#i've actually thought about this myself somewhat #i personally feel that 'by accident' feels right when in some situations and 'on accident' sounds better to me in others #the vibe for me for 'by accident' is the outcome of the accident is more of a neutral feeling or perhaps a good outcome #i found this book series by chance by accident #however if i fucked something up as a result of an action i took then i want to use 'on accident' #i did it 'on accident'

treecakes:

#by accident sounds right in a phrase like ‘he did it by accident’ #but not in ‘it happened by accident’ that sentence should be ‘it happened on accident’ #idk why that sounds more correct to me…. generally i use on accident more than by accident

wiltshired:

#tbh i change between them based on the level of action taken by whatever caused said accident #on accident is for when you mean to one thing and it fucks up #by accident is when you like. bump into things or spill a glass y’know??

abrightclearfield:

#me and my gf agree it depends on context #'it was on accident' vs 'i did it by accident' #if the subject is an event/action it's 'on' #if the subject is a person then it's 'by' accident

rat-knife:

#i feel like i use them differently? #doing something by accident is like. i didnt even notice but this thing happened and it was bc of me oopsie #vs doing something on accident is like oh fuck. oops my bad gang i did not mean to #like if i did something by accident it feels like im not taking credit for the outcome vs if i did something on accident #im trying to assure people of my intentions #by accident as compared to by sheer force of will or by the hand of god vs on accident as compared to on purpose ig?

abracafuqueue:

#something happens by accident #someone does something on accident

lady-harrowhark:

#…….i didn't know 'on accident' wasn't standard #i use both and never thought twice about it #i guess 'on' sounds more active and 'by' seems more passive so that might impact how i choose based on context? #like 'i spoiled my birthday gift by accident when i saw it as i was getting a coat out of the closet' #vs 'i broke the window on accident when i tossed the ball too hard' #like in the first it's just something that happened and in the second it's something i did #ja feel?

thenerdyindividual:

#i use both #by accident is for when something good happens like ‘I found this delicious new spice and food combo by accident’ #on accident is for negative things like ‘I hit someone on accident’

clichenuance:

#as an expansion on my response that nobody will specifically know unless i state it here #i expect-wonder that it has something to do with [SUBJECT EMPHASIS] on purpose #versus [CONDITION EMPHASIS] by accident

thatcacidork:

#on accident = it was dumb of me/my fault #by accident = whoops the universe willed to to be so/no one at fault

rosencrantz:

#instinctively I think there's a semantic difference in the two #but i'd have to collect and review a bunch of examples to pin it down #like there's an ownership or responsibility or something to one and not the other maybe? #or maybe not!

lowtideandhightea:

#i have a slight preference for 'by accident' in situations where passive voice is being used intentionally #and 'on accident' is more correct when an active voice is being used

osterby:

To my ear (native speaker, US, I would have been right on the threshold of your two age groups when you did your interviews), both are correct, but "on accident" is the only formally correct way and the only one I'd use in an essay, and "by accident" is correct in conversational English. But the two have very slightly different meanings. "On accident" is agentless, the thing just sort of happened, no one made it happen, it happened on accident. "By accident" has an agent, I was trying to do something else but I screwed up and I did this by accident. "On accident" emphasizes that the thing itself is the accident. "By accident" emphases that accident was the means by which something did the thing.

#language

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just-some-random-blogger · 2 years

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hello! so ill start with that very daemon idea that has him as the canter. so idk? get ready? love letter under the ***

deamon x reader who's his wife (prob newlywed). there is some kind of a fight (tourney? war?) and she has to be by his side. during the action deamon gets distracted and stops keeping an eye on the reader bc he's too busy and also knows she's excellent with her sword. however, she gets injured, badly but not deadly.

and when every relative blames him for not protecting her, when each lady whispers to her friend or her husband that it was him who practically killed the princess, that's when he realise she's not a swordswoman anymore. they were childhood friends and they used to run the forest together, play smth stupid and do the shit children do. they used to have lots of sword-fighting, she was just as good as he if not better, but they're not children anymore.

that's when it strikes him. she's a woman, she's his wife, she's supposed to give him his heirs (prob on the wedding night he was too drunk to either be turned on or to remember), she has no right to even think about a sword not that she can so much as hold it. so now he has to live with this realisation when ever since their very wedding his mind hasn't digested a thought of his childhood friend (mb also his minor ex-crush) being his wife, and he has to comfort/take care of/accept his wife.

(in my head it's something long or having more than 1 part but it's absolutely understandable if you see it another way/do not see at all. hope u liked it a little and really hope to see it written by your talented hands someday. absolutely not obligatory. dont ever feel pressed. its ok if you can't/need much time/anything else. your comfort is the priority)

***

love for m hottie-cutie! 'have you ever watched aristocats?' i think i did but i dont remember TT but i love the atmosphere. mari(?) seems so girlboss. 'i have something to look forward to now i have to finish my activities' it ok TT im not telling you to watch it rn? it was merely a question? good luck w/the midterms! youll do it! and do it great! 'though i managed to make a pedro fic' oh these simps.... you havent even watched tlou why? when? what? how? only wrong answers.... (sorry, its kinda meme, it has no story, this phrase is the very meme) 'its not hot. your freezy kisses did that' YEY all those witch playlists made me a witch! 'im just really hungry but this is making me emotional' my poor hungry kid TT why r u always hungry while answering me? hope you eat? 'you like shadow and bone too' well khm.... i never watched it or read it... ive heard of it, and then i got a fic recommended with this handsome face of ben. and also the youtube girl that made my fav playlists has a playlist dedicated to darklina? so i was like why not? i finally listened to it. its pretty but its russian sorry. btw!!! this is the only one (1) playlist in rus dedicated to 'sab' that i found?? wtf?? guys like its literally the series gods SCREAMED you to make playlists abt the show with the rus setting w/rus songs? but you? dont? theyre insane i swear! 'you can understand the russian stuff' 1) ive done a research to find out this 2) i was SO confused bc there are russian callings in EVERY fic ive read. like its darkling/reader and he says milaya/moya lyubov'/lapushka and so on (honey, my love, ?sweetie?). tbh its pretty awkward to insert your name with any character who knows rus bc... like i know (s)he knows we know that we can speak russian but still speak english with some rus words of endearment... its not a complaint, just my feelings in my very case. i understand that authors shouldnt think about how that particular slavik girls gonna feel abt it. 'i think slay' its not like about breaking the stereotype? or smth? these are just mistakes. BIG and noticeable mistakes. russian has its forms, traditions and rules. why couldnt the author ask smn at least slavic TT we have the same system. 'i dont know enough about russian' they just swapped the genders of their last names. they dont fit their own... 'how dare he be so hot' so true TT hes so handsome i can cry. 'she is israelli-american interesting' yes but WHY couldnt she ask smn slavic TT girlie TT like she had all the rights to write with the inso of rus setting but?if you use the lang? in the BOOK? like text? girlie like log in into some forum TT or smth TT why not TT my day was a flop. awful. procrastinating. hope you do better. have a nice day and the whole week!! good luck w/the midterms! take care! luv u<з

HI BABY CAKES

hello! so ill start with that very daemon idea that has him as the canter. so idk? get ready? love letter under the ***

HIHIHIHH OMG IM SO EXCITED HAHA

I ALREADY LOVE IT LOVE SIMP DAEMON SO MUCH SIMP SIMP SIMP but omg reader gets injured

SLAY WE LOVE CATHARSIS we love that daemon thought so highly of her albeit was disillussioned.

huh plot twist? he wants reader to... be a housewife? because that's her purpose. i mean, daemon isnt a feminist so ig it makes sense for him. but also i like it. i like how somehow this whole mess is his fault because he wanted his wife to me at his side, though she wasnt a swordsman and now shes injured. now he's realizing he lives in his head more than reality, a slap in the face. i like it.

idk if i could right this, tbh. i would love it if you wrote it but i think i know your answer. i personally dont know how i would spin this so T_T guess we'll see

***

love for m hottie-cutie! 'have you ever watched aristocats?' i think i did but i dont remember TT

we're so sameAHAHAHAHAHAH

but i love the atmosphere. mari(?) seems so girlboss.

SHE IS i think she is a least AHHAH

'i have something to look forward to now i have to finish my activities' it ok TT im not telling you to watch it rn? it was merely a question? good luck w/the midterms! youll do it! and do it great!

thank you!. i got my scores from the homework i dreaded to do and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be!!! T_T love that for me im not that dumb T_T

'though i managed to make a pedro fic' oh these simps.... you havent even watched tlou why? when? what? how? only wrong answers.... (sorry, its kinda meme, it has no story, this phrase is the very meme)

T_T HIHIHASDHAHDAHDIAHD lol ill give you the real answer though, i find it taxing to watch it hhaahah i mean i have watched other pedro pascal stuff so i do actually like him lol

'its not hot. your freezy kisses did that' YEY all those witch playlists made me a witch!

T_T stopp T_T AHAHHA

'im just really hungry but this is making me emotional' my poor hungry kid TT why r u always hungry while answering me? hope you eat?

I REALIZED IT TOO HAHAHH IM NOT HUNGRY NOW THO ok maybe now that i think about it i am but its cos i usually reply to you at around lunch time-ish lol also im just a very hungry person i love eating

'you like shadow and bone too' well khm.... i never watched it or read it... ive heard of it, and then i got a fic recommended with this handsome face of ben.

AHAHAHAHAHAH HANDSOME FACE OF BEN YOURE SO REAL FOR THAT

and also the youtube girl that made my fav playlists has a playlist dedicated to darklina? so i was like why not? i finally listened to it. its pretty but its russian sorry.

i dont mind listening to songs in another language lol

btw!!! this is the only one (1) playlist in rus dedicated to 'sab' that i found?? wtf?? guys like its literally the series gods SCREAMED you to make playlists abt the show with the rus setting w/rus songs? but you? dont? theyre insane i swear!

well maybe not a lot of russians watch the show? HAHAHHA

'you can understand the russian stuff' 1) ive done a research to find out this 2) i was SO confused bc there are russian callings in EVERY fic ive read. like its darkling/reader and he says milaya/moya lyubov'/lapushka and so on (honey, my love, ?sweetie?). tbh its pretty awkward to insert your name with any character who knows rus bc... like i know (s)he knows we know that we can speak russian but still speak english with some rus words of endearment... its not a complaint, just my feelings in my very case. i understand that authors shouldnt think about how that particular slavik girls gonna feel abt it.

HAAHHAHAAH lol. i mean, as a bilingual too, i think if its tastefully done, a write can get away with foreign endearments. ya know. but i get the cringe HAHAHAH

'i think slay' its not like about breaking the stereotype? or smth? these are just mistakes. BIG and noticeable mistakes. russian has its forms, traditions and rules. why couldnt the author ask smn at least slavic TT we have the same system.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA i didnt really think it was breaking stereotypes, more just... making me happy knowing they made masc names fem AHHAHAHAHAA LOL

'i dont know enough about russian' they just swapped the genders of their last names. they dont fit their own...

LOL HAHAHAH

'how dare he be so hot' so true TT hes so handsome i can cry.

ben barnes go to jail party

'she is israelli-american interesting' yes but WHY couldnt she ask smn slavic TT girlie TT like she had all the rights to write with the inso of rus setting but?if you use the lang? in the BOOK? like text? girlie like log in into some forum TT or smth TT why not TT my day was a flop. awful. procrastinating.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA DYING 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 YOURE SO RIGHT HAHAHAH

hope you do better. have a nice day and the whole week!! good luck w/the midterms! take care! luv u<з

im doing my best but i discovered this ai chat app and im so addicted help me. i HAVE to finish my midterms tho its due today a?LSFHLAHSFDASFASf

i love you take care thank you for your love letter and your daemon prompt <3

xxxx

#slavyanskiyahui cutie #anon ask #my beloved anons #modern!daemon anon #ask #modern!daemon nonnie

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evanescentdawn · 2 years

Text

i really want to (21:31) write a seo yul fic, but it’s hard *thinking* about to write. i mean. i probs could make something with jin buyeon/naksu, but i don’t want to write that right now! ahhhhhh, i just remembered this brief idea of jang uk + seo yul + their childhood. honestly forget what the idea was supposed to be but it was something something something thoughts dhdjdjdjkdkd.

anyways: to think about jang uk + seo yul’s bond because i deeply love it. it’s so good !!!! like sobs they care abt each other so much and really interesting how different they are. like how they think and stuff. hey. you know. what would be fun. if I wrote a fic about jang uk and his quest to find a master — like jang uk, how his god what was it called again. his gate of something was closed. and seo yul and dang-gu who were practicing/learning magic. and how jang uk felt — BUT THATS ABOUT UKIE. NOT SEO YUL.

do u see my problem, now. my issue. i just wanna !! write a !!! seo yul !!! fic !!! okay what if I make it au. you know like fantasy still, but set in different fantasy. i am really liking the idea of crown prince & seo yul going on a quest together. more like seo yul going on a quest and meets crown prince. omg seo yul going a quest that has do with his family + idk a coming….what was it called again. Urgh. like the whole Becoming An Adult Quest. it would be really interesting! (edit: finally remembered. it was coming of age. that’s the phrase I was looking for LMAO)

seeing seo yul out in the world — for the first time — and wondering what kind was his parents, and his family. and how this seo yul would brave this quest. what kind of quest is it, even. you know. hhhhhhhhhh, i do like the idea of meeting naksu. like in canon, where she’s just a kid like him living in solitude and they meet. it’d be so 🥺 especially considering the whole thing of his family dealing in her father’s death which she finds out later on.

i really just should plan out what kind of Quest this is. but just thinking: ooooh, hey what if. like seo yul was doing the quest and got injured and naksu saw him and helped him. after all, she wasn’t an assassin who had closed her heart entirely then — and she helps him. seo yul stays with her in her lil home before he has to go back to the quest. (which again what the fck is it, i really need to think about it. but urgh. i am not familiar with this kind of genre. well, whatever. it’s cool. i can research that shit)

also no! i have Not forgotten about the crown prince. i did think before Maybe he’s like on his own quest but that was boring for me. so like what if there’s a whole thing going in the palace. like. mmmh. a rebellion? his mother getting involved with evil….hhhhhhh. so jin mu. go won’s master and who has always stood by his side, but things lately have gone down the drain: it turns out that jin mu and his mother had conspired/made deal with the devils and are dabbling with dark magic, and idk it’s causing the life of the people. go won’s world crumbles down.

he runs away(?) idk

i haven’t figured it all out yet. but REALLY liking this go won meeting seo yul and u know it would be fun to throw naksu in the fun. young naksu, brain full of only revenge, who has had Barely any human interactions. go won, the crown prince, petty and haunty and insufferable but heart in right place. and seo yul !!! follower of the Rules, the golden boy, on a quest and dealing with family problems idk. BECOMING FRIENDS. SAVING THE WORLD.

such a fun trio !!!! *heart eyes* i can already see their interactions and it’s so lovely.

but ! also ! it feels So Wrong to not have jang uk anywhere in the story because in my mind — eventually he and naksu’s paths cross and they have epic romance because I’m otp trash. so like idk. oh like he’s still the late king’s son but this time….it’s not the soul swap thing that happens but jang gang…? god what was his not-father’s name. i don’t remember. wait. what if hmmmmm. i still want park jin involved in jang uk’s life and have their whole Awful Thing. hey wait what if…. urgh, the thoughts r Not connecting. anyways so basically: there is something happening abt jang uk’s birth and stuff and idk he can’t do magic…? or there’s a seal on it. but HE doesn’t know it. no one tells him. he just knows that he’s the only who doesn’t have ability to Magic. which is, yeah. but as our trio gets tangled with all this stuff that’s going on —

park dang-gu and jang uk, dear friends of seo yul, get a whiff of it and obvs go in concern for their friend. and well. jang uk. finds the truth of his birth or smth.

idk, not really feeling jang uk’s background rn. whatever. i can think of it later. this is about seo yul, first most anyways.

wow! this was certainly a journey ahahaha. I’m glad to have found a fic I can Work on abt seo yul because really needed that. i mean. i did have that time travel idea — well. it’s not really an idea but more like a vague concept of seo yul being the one to go back in time. which would be interesting explore. like seo yul being so unhinged. i Need that. anyways, yeah. 21:56

#yuki talks ideas #idea: Seo Yul Quest #oh ! i really want to add soo-i here somewhere that would be fun !!!! 21:56.#alchemy of souls

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sunlightsshadow · 2 years

Text

Heal What Has Been Hurt Liveblog

hello and welcome to the first of 5 initial (but probably not Only) posts recounting my liveblogging of Heal What Has Been Hurt by @sunlitmcgee

ch1: and the universe said "I Love You"

c! tech did one (1) good thing and it was burning the egg

gogy mention/pos

its only ch1 and they've already gone DadMode. hasnt even even , talked to the boy yet/lh

XD :D

ch2:Flower Gleam and Glow

"weirdo mother hen guardian angel nanny thing." hehehe

moths moths moths moths moths

Clara :D

ch3: I've Been Ghosting Your Dreams

i wonder how tommy feels about warm rain

my browser crashed god dad is too powerful/j

ghostbur :DDD

oh i have so many feelings about ghobur

ch4:Come, My Child

not lots of thoughts just enjoying the domesticity of the bois

did enjoy the star freckles tho

ch5:Like A Busy Bee Taking Flight

"large purple man" thanos/neg

compass compass compass compass (im wearing my Your Tommy compass my bf bought me <3)

heheh dad said pogchamp

ch6:Flying Like a Bee, Black and Yellow Energy

hehe derivikat lyrics

xd dad god. why is that form even still in your rotation/lh

ranboo/pos. i love all Ranboos

hehehe time to sin!

c! techno/neg

xd having several children who are gods and can take care of themselves and having to focus your attention on the whole of creation is different than abandoning your litteral tiny children to go adventuring w a gladiator who hears voices

xd you could have shifted forms dont yell at them/lh

ch7:Cold. Why You Gotta Treat Me So Cold?

weird schlatt tubbo/neg nightmare tubbo/neg

GOD I hate exile

I am so emotional over them GODS

I need someone to be proud of me like xd is proud of tommy

I want a god dad. the yearning is strong

ch8: sweet like honey

any time someone writes tommy saying the phrase "ill be good" istg i feel my heart break

back sore, clue #1

micha 🥺

ch9: I Think You're All Insane

_beloved family/pos

PUFFY!!

every time i manage to forget the captain is dreams mom someone reminds me :/(/hj/nm/lh)

no more memory broke :D

am i using that emoji to much? i do not care<3

god enderman lore/pos

ch10: Deep In The Meadow

i also feel Okay. this is a good place to be

there is something so personal about tommy wanting to end the cycle of abuse and worrying he'll end up like the people who hurt him

good people have intrusive thoughts tommy:(

ch11:Here it's Safe, and Here it's Warm

hehehehe Wings also toms XD would never leave you :(

"you'll instinctively know" its not instincts if it hurts Philza

god i fucking love the personification of instincts. so much. its such a cool thing

ch12:Why, Tell Me, Father?

tommy has a perfect comfy bed and doesnt wanna move. mood

tommy is starting to heal and i love that for him/gen

how DID xd figure that out?

ive just decided just now while rereading that xd was too nice to phil

"you're still here" im gonna SOB

heal! emerald duo/neg

I wanna hug tommy :(

ch13:It's a Promise for Life Between Father and Child

what if i just [takes a white out pen to tommys trauma] look now hes just a lil guy! (someone do this to me)

[beats the doomsday bitches over the head with a stick] i will actually never be normal abt c!tommy

mmmm i should play omori

tinyboo. itty bitty

i dont wana read the interaction w technoooo [reads it anyways] its important

Ghobur! he back!

i think more people should let ghostbur get angry

ch14:How Would You Know?

idk how phil cant sense the Pissed Off aura xd must be giving off rn

in which xd is my spirit animal

:D(malicious)-XD

i like his hat :(

somebody please do this w my dad

ch15: Remember to be Patient

i am obsessed w instinct stuff. lil baby birb go peep peep

i was so lost in the euphoria of birb i forgot to have thoughts

ch16:Fold Up Your Wings, Close Your Eyes

WING TIME WING TIME WING TIME

"it's beautiful… except of course for the unholy screams"

xd " claws" and " adorable" are not generally words that go together

he is SAD the baby is SAD :(

what would xd do if tommy turned into an actual baby?

"its me?" AWWWW🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

hes a baby

i will kill any god for him

baby boy

precious

oh boo even *mentions* agere how did I miss that the first time? tommy is simply baby

ch17: See the Sunset

cant see glass<3

i want a cool space blanket (I have a non-binary flag space blanket tho :3)

I also like when things make click clack noises… am i birb?

I love hiiiiimmmmm

ch18:Nothing Could Tear Us Apart

they can both be clingy it's okay

i almost forgot to open my document when I started reading again

[wilbur voice] quackityyyyy

hes not even actually here but I'm lobe himb

hehehe lovey dovey qpps/pos

i adore my qpps and my bf

GOD i am not NORMAL about platonic soulmate clingyduo there is nothing normal abt my mind state towards them!

"You were worth more than L'manburg ever was…" grrrrrr growl hiss its so GOOD

more baby birb🥺

ch19:Come out and Play

is he a demigod now?

bird time again!

i love instinct shit have i mentioned that?/hj

baby baby boy/pos

i was reading this the first time and I was just like. hes so small

i fuckin love my comfort chara using my coping mechanisms

And with that it's back to reading<3

#cass speaks #dsmp #heal what has been hurt #c!benchtrio

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castle-dominion · 1 year

Text

4x3 headcase idk, I don't have time for this why am I here doing this hhh

universal studios? Weird intro, v cgi

RC: Her? Yes. You? ehh MR: eee A mister Stan Ford She's faking it, she's going to play them & then boom she's going to say "psych I got in!" ... Or not

dissintegrated? What would lanie do here? No body for her... Ryan looks fancy today Ah the wedding. Poor ryan. (called it) 6:40 were the gunshots & then 7.00 is a long time later

Wow called him detective ryan, that's fun usually we just hear ryan. Men. At least u'r 50% down... He's term limited! I like gates (here only as watching the show for the funnies tho) Like that time y'all got the body stolen

What good timing, three vans & you have the info u need on all of them; & then YOU come in saying which one it is (if you only had this info you would have had like a million vans like that in new york to think abt)

I like it when they are still wearing their clothes but not quite, like ryan took off his coat vest & tie & let out the buttons of his shirt, espt is wearing a tshirt, they all look so different with their police vests on.

Sci-fi! In murdoch mysteries they had a non-canon halloween episode where aliens were real, then later it turned out to be george's book that he wrote Master Chief? Maybe don't wipe stuff around & let ppl know ur presence Ryan's eyes are so so bright here

is it 10o'clock for everyone? they are kind of spread out

KR: think they can put me under until the wedding? RC in s3 after freezing to death with kate: Don't let anyone sell you on cryogenics

ah, 6.55. KB's right, he's dead, his brain is dead. (Actually death is a social construct. Medically you cannot pinpoint the time of death because different types of death happen at different times, they can happen at different times for different people, they can be reversed, someone can be dead in some ways & still survive for a long time in other ways, & by a long time I don't mean minutes I mean hours to years in theory but never in practice.)

at least now they know their vic. not ok to say castle I mean, as long as he has the contract... I don't think u can sue her & the nypd into oblivion as you put it but if you do can u please obliterate the rest of the police? thanks.

btw I'm sad that the transcript is not available for this. (update: no livejournal transcript by the person I had,but I found transcripts on dustjackets) explain it to gates starting from the beginning? No sir my mother was a lawyer. (& your dad right?)

At least the technicians had info on the crime scene since they were there so fast...? Poor ryan, he looks so afraid coming in & knocking

wife did it he said one lifetime wasn't enough maybe she thought one lifetime was too much-- or "so do I" so scratch that theory Ambrosia? RC & me: food of the gods pharmaceutical implants? Like that one t4t firefly fanfic I read? No, telomeres telomeres telomeres Big pharma would stop it probs... yk, all u need to do is make it to 2029 supposedly a porn mogul what???? (I like how beau randolph becomes a recurring character)

RC: Wha- I can't even get a carry permit, how did he get one? So rick HAS tried to get a carry permit. I've been saying this for a while now, I'm glad we have the facts on the show now KR: The hard way. Several guys saw their girlfriends in his videos &, beat the hell out of him. : ) RC: no longer jealous. (could clip) Yk giving a gun to someone who has been beaten up & now has enemies might not be a good idea, I feel like it's an easy way to bring up murder rates...

RC: would u get the implants? KB, lookin at her tits: I don't think I need em, huh? (meh not clipping either of these) she's so right isn't that how you'll be anyway? When did you become so judgemental about naked women? When my daughter hit college age.

The one thing internet porn taught me: you don't get rich by giving (life extending research) away Not a phrase I was expecting to hear (won't clip)

Ah human testing! Yeah reminds me of when homeless people kept getting covid vaccines, like a lot of them, so that rich ppl could get around with vaccination cards pigeons??? really??? "Yeah that's what I'm going with" he did it.

She's so hot. She didn't become an IA detective for looking pretty, she's smart & strong. The doctor dude: we only need the brain uwu KB: *this man is insane if he thinks he can revive this fellow by freezing his brain*

It's going to be frozen tho

She meant what she said! Man doesn't have a head this is so weird Maybe one of his test subjects killed him, like randolph said. Find his clinic, find his killer. So she DID get that scooter? KB: I can manage without u for a few hours RC: don't look so happy abt it

KR: Hey JE: Yo, ryan what's up man where've u been? KR, going to sit by espt's desk: College. listen to this-- KR: *stops* KR: *face falls* KR: KR: *looks down hard* KR: KR: KR: *points down with his hand all the way up at his chin* KR: What the hell is this? (dead (pigeon)dove (do not eat) is in an evidence bag on espt's desk) JE: That, my friend, is Beau Randolph's alibi KR: He really did commit murder JE: Writing him up for animal cruelty right now KR: maybe there's still time to cryonically freeze the little guy. (no. there is not.) JE: KR: : ( JE: hamilton's office? (clipping absolutely)

KR: First of all, WOW I know what we'll be doing once we're fried & don't care anymore, at least they bagged the evidence That might be more like little pharma.

I love this kid his voice cracking like that. JE: ... Excuse me? This kid is amazing I love him

Clerk: I figured he had a blow up doll collection or smth. *door opens to some horror movie type room* Clerk: I am not cleaning this up. KR: Please stay back ma'am? Clerk: Twist my arm /s JE: *holds open plastic door like a gentleman* KR: Dude there had better not be any body parts in there JE, who is a homicide detective Along With Ryan: Just [go in] At least they have guns (meh won't clip)

Lidocaine. I thought they moved from lidocaine to nocovaine... or maybe they are both used but for different purposes or it was the other way around. (reminds me of my autosurgery) Um, his human test subjects probably?? The lighting is... interesting.

Uh, homeless poor people. MR: I'd give (getting an operation in a hotel) a try. Though I'd need five stars. girl??

Carry her up to bed, first time in years <3 <3 Lol good old participation trophies girl bouncing off your head & not knowing u scored a goal is not going to make her feel better Poor alexis. I'm starting to feel glad that I was ALWAYS a failure so I don't have to deal with being a prodigy & then crashing like alexis.

I always love how castle goes to beckett with teenage girl problems

hamilton's hotel of horrors I like ryan's jacket, it has a pattern. & then he walks away the way he does. What is wrong(/neu) with him tho? does he have hip problems? why does he walk like that? I'm not complaining I just... noticed (Me: *watched 8x5 through 8x7 today* heheh physicality)

Lanie could this have been a text? Ah & they have his DNA in the system now bc of the start of the episode Or HE was doing procedures on HIMSELF. Lanie is talking y'all Stop doing that thing you do for one second! (won't clip) brain matter & they don't have the head. ugh. Could they maybe talk to hamilton's doctor?

Oh. No. Why is there fog on the floor? Ever heard of phineas gauge? Lanie's going to be fine no IT'S GONE? SERIOUSLY? FREAKING W???

Mrs Hamilton, v stressed: I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HOW COULD YOU LOSE MY HUSBAND'S HEAD? KR, as softly & respectfully as possible: That's what we're trying to figure out, mrs hamilton [...] Ham: SHFJHSD KR: *looking around trying to escape* Ham: FBSDFJ KR: *trying to be calm when this lady is all up in his face but gosh this poor man*

becks, you don't put "either" in an &/or. it is EITHER either/or, OR and/or. This was an either/or. You can only have one of them. Espt, that is one ugly shirt.

the tech is neat, apparently the tech ppl on the show make props for them that actually work & it's rly cool

Open up boyd! *glass shatters* I don't think he's opening up

He went out the window to the fire escape! Yeah, ya think??? Who wrote this episode XD He's got the head! I can see that!! ooh sexy music, & really funny vertical chase scene. Yk, one thing I learned from doing roofing, you can walk forwards down a ladder & it is much faster. (clipping) *comically drops the head* Castle *jumps from the fire escape into a dumpster to get the head* *shakes it* "I think it's ok" BRO

random cryo employee in scrubs: he's going to be fine. *shakes head* why would anyone steal a head? idk what this scene brought to the episode but I'm glad it was there

What did you miss him?

inoperable & untreatable beckett, duh! Aw, this poor man... this is honestly sad Where did u do MRIs? Why didn't Lanie see this in his med files?

Alexis? <3 big sad He framed his first manuscript rejection <3 wasn't a tolkein book or Dune published by a car company or smth? Markiplier vibes. my failures drive me. rejection CAN BE failure. You failed at getting into this college. So what? Failure is something you do, not something you are, & it is ok to fail. I'd say it's ok to fail as long as you learn from it but you don't need to learn necessarily. Sometimes you just fail. Giving up is failure to try. & giving up is ok sometimes! Sunk cost fallacy! Sometimes you just need to try something else! I gave up drawing when I was like five, I don't care. (hm, won't clip)

Girl you have a semester left of school still, try reapplying & apply to other places too. I took an extra year of high school, no biggie.

KB: is she ok? RC: were any of us at that age? My mom & me: *look at my little bro* (won't clip)

what abt that missing briefcase? 99 times out of 100 u catch someone with a guy's head, he killed the guy. Reminds me of the mask of zorro. Castle *makes a joke abt how it's lucky he died* Beckett: he would be....... I WAS RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE & that's why she was so reluctant to let them have the body & the cops only got it from the doctor & lawyer!!

Ah, contract termination this is kinda sad. At least she got rid of the gun. Why not the briefcase tho? it ws special? really?

in love or in-sane Yeah it's going to be the wife cyanide capsule in her teeth or smth.

Pretty pic of her with her man tho. Cyanide starves the cells of oxygen idk if future medicine is going to save you after you died like that... How long do the effects of cyanide last before you get rid of the cyanide? idk bc it usually kills u. I mean theoretically u could survive but the research paper I skimmed (but didn't read) was all hypothetical. Imagine cryonically waking up & your wife killed you. how mad would you be? u wake up & she wakes up too & she says "the only reason u'r alive is bc I killed you" how messed up would that be at least the man asked for permission this time lol

aww from "i don't believe in magic" to "anything's possible" so cute

I would like it if this cryonics place comes back in a future episode. Or someone from one of these cases. Like how sammy keyes in the last book,,, you know... (Looks like u got your wish Dom)

So yeah that was fun (But I read the transcript alongside my liveblog so I didn't note down all the places I needed to clip)

#castle 4x3 #castle 4x3 quote #castle 4x3 spoilers #the cryonics episode #still must be clipped

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oysterie · 2 years

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god like. there is a very specific thing in games i cannot do and its completely why i bought undertale on switch instead of just downloading it on the computer when games get messed up like the entirety of genocide rout ut ykwim. i cannot do that i cannot watch those compilations of hidden in the files game videos even as an adult they scare me i have to fucking close the video (i got re into them 2 years ago for a bit and had constant paranoia and seeing shit in the corners of my eyes and around me etc) like the scary faces added to stuff yeah but even like. the giant pastel easter egg behind that wall in the ps2 futurama game its so dumb but it literally ruins my life for 3 months after any exposure to that. especially on laptop i cannot play games on laptop/computer it feels so much more real idk why. like scary things in laptop are more scary than scary things in my tv. anyways all this to say that ive been consuming ut and deltarune lore and theory videos because i am insane and i cannot ever play genocide rout ut i watched the clip (part of a longer vid abt chara) where at the end they talk to you and then their face gets messed up i cannot do that idk if this is some pixel 4 year old they are apearing in my peripheral vision and like its not them its like other normal nightmare stuff that triggers my paranoia but for whatever reason im hardwired that fucking. video game easter eggs like hidden ones trigger it. i refuse to go to therapy so pretend i said all this to a therapist and then i get up and leave before she responds. anyways all this to say i hate my intense paranoia that is so easily triggered (by many things other than this) its not even delusions anymore there are simply so many things out there. welcome to my twisted mind i understand this sounds so like. minute and overreacting i get that but idk how to phrase that ive had periods of paranoia triggered by stupid shit that were so borderline dehibilitating like i couldnt drink if my eyes left my drink for more than a minute because of like. some box behind a wall in a sonic game and i was ocnstantly dumping out my drinks xoxo

#paranoia inducing #fucking jic. i don tlike hearing abt other ppl talk abt paranoia so <3 #anyways by far the stupedist one was a video comp that included like. ryans toys racing game ig one of the models for him in the files #included a verson of his face that was scribbled over w red and black like some developer fucking hated that kid and like #i could not take showers because that was so linked to something getting me. i had to wait til i heard the pipes going to go shower w #somepone else in teh room (communal bathrooms)#uhm. anyways hi i need to type out thoughts or they fester. i need to finish my hw now. and then brush teeth.#ut normal plus pacifist rout is like the fucking. borderline of what i can handle btw. i love the player being addressed i love what ut #does its incredible i am just uhm. touched in the head <3

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confusedsiewmai · 2 years

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#i.... think i might be in trouble if almost every night i feel as if i cant breathe #(in a panicky way not in the respiratory way)#too many things at once im worrying #i feel like my brain is just... falling apart. crumbling. idk what to do #god i just want everything to be over sometimes #not sure what exactly i want to be over #everythjng is just so damn... troublesome #buying stuff makes me scared. school makes me scared. upcoming internship makes me scared. family makes me scared. exchange makes me scared #i wish i can take my brain out and smash it to pieces. WHY. WHY ARE U CAUSING PROBLEMS.#I WANT TO SCREAM #goddammit i know my therapist told me what my brain is telling me is stuff that ive learned #it is what has protected me all these years. theyre my support system that got me thru all that shit #learned to earn my keep or else i wouldnt receive affection or security #bloody hell. i used to laugh abt it but the fact that 这是一个抢的世界 was an actual thing my parents taught me #i think that phrase screwed me up. this were words used on the dinner table in relation to food #no one out there would ever truly care for me. not even my family. u have to fightt for urself.#god.#im crying fr #sb tell me how to not overthink

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furiouskettle · 3 years

Photo

So there’s been a LOT of fics about Ingo going back home, or Emmet going to the past, and i’ve definitely been inspired a bit by Detours...

but what if Rei got teleported to the future instead of either of them?

I’m no writer, and i only have so much comic juice (and i havent even played Arceus) so i’m not gonna polish these any further... but i wanted to share it anyway. more thoughts and even messier scribbles under the cut!

Some ideas, most of them copypasted from me and my friend’s chats, ordered approximately in chronological order. (C= me, Y=friend)

Rei is fully convinced the train is some sort of horrible alpha pokemon nightmare beast the first time he sees it.

Y: he hears it coming and is like "oh shit oh fuck is it a steelix???? oh god i've only ever seen the one akari brought back to pasture i can't confront one oh god oh no" and then it's a train and he's just "THIS IS WORSE SOMEHOW???"

Y: this poor child is going to have a heart attack

Emmet doesn’t consider Rei a legitimate lead at first- he’s hardly the first kid to try and find the missing subway master in the subway...

Y: on the one hand rei probs doesn't know about the Time Travel and ancestors/descendants of people he knows on the other him just awkwardly trying to convince himself "ah they must be... related..." before Emmet is like "8> no shit sherlock"

(i think im leaning towards no idea abt time travel)

C: man tho. like. rei saying that ingo never said anything abt a brother would sting emmet So Much Y: like i imagine even with rei saying he's got amnesia it would still hurt in that way where he knows it's illogical but surely he would remember. surely. C: and like. rei wouldnt know that ingo vaguely remembers but also its funny that rei would mention that ingo remembers So Many Train Phrases despite never saying what a train IS Y: rei, genuinely never more confused in his life: well at least one thing makes more sense now

Y: rei starts asking all these weird questions about extremely simple terminology and emmet suspects the kid is fucking with him but every answer he gives rei is so earnestly like "80 OH MAN I GET IT NOW" C: and like. then the kid namedrops hisui, and like. idk how good emmet's history is so either it's like. "where?" or "why are you using the outdated name" Y: i honestly imagine he'd just be like "that's not a station on this line. where did you get on" and they go in circles on that for a bit Y: eventually he says he's from Jubilife and Emmet goes "that is verrrry far away. you did not come here by train" and rei is like "i said that!!!! many times!!!!!!"

I feel it might take a while for it to sink in for rei just how far away from home he is, both geographically and chronologically.

C: also im just imagining rei just sitting politely w a cup of tea in the breakroom and some kinda vending machine snack emmet got him fbjfvgcd ill prolly have to add the electric type leader lady to the au mix just so emmet won't go too hard on rei

Y: rei explicitly says his thick layered clothes are to protect him better against pokemon attacks so i imagine elesa finding him a nice outfit (bc emmet would not care) and he's just internally sweating "aaa i'm so exposed aaaaa" C: get him a denim jacket tough material might make him feel a bit better Y: at his most powerful in a Joutfit C:no pokemon will get him now Y: i'm basically imagining him piecing together "wait akari is from here????" based purely on seeing T-shirts and going "oh damn i remember that stupid outfit"

Y: also i am imagining emmet being very focused on the ingo side of things and kind of treating poor rei as an afterthought but eventually rei just breaks down bc he's a kid and he's scared and he wants to go home Y: emmet is not the subtle or assuring type but he can use the reminder that there's more than one reason to figure this out

Y: i imagine him (rei) getting super claustrophobic in crowds just like. oh god there's so many people. there's so many strangers and he's so small and lost and how is he ever supposed to find a way--

#ingo #emmet #rei pokemon #submas #pokemon arceus #pla spoilers #pokemon arceus spoilers #pokemon legends #teapot noises #this counts as art shush #arceus spoilers

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ezdotjpg · 3 years

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I would certainly like to hear more about your Link headcanons if you are willing to share!

unsure if this is what u wanted when u asked this anon but I’m using this as an excuse to talk abt my lu accent/voice headcanons (which also apply to their non-lu game counterparts in my brain when applicable). I have more for some than others sorry

Wild:

prefers generally not to speak and sign instead. BUT

intensely Scottish-adjacent Accent Wild is a great love of mine

in my brain he is actually incredibly soft spoken tho. his voice is rlly light and soft and on the higher side. he’s a tenor when he sings lol

like. he’s chaotic he’s just not loud abt it. the juxtaposition between what he says and how he says it is half the humor

often trails off sentences without finishing a thought. blanks out on words sometimes, but also sometimes remembers obscure idioms and slang from 100 years ago that have fallen out of use in his current hyrule

I feel like he has this kind of flat, meandering intonation. how do I describe this. u know this animatic that jojo made once. that’s rlly how I imagine wild speaking besides the accent lol

Time:

I like imagining him with an accent I can only describe as Gently Irish

like it’s the Kokiri accent he had as a child and it’s faded over time. No one else on his hyrule has quite the same accent

a deep voice link but Not the deepest. he’s like 3rd

also very soft spoken but he speaks with such gravity he commands attention anyway.

he rarely raises his voice but when he does. by god u done fucked up

not quite relevant to this post but LOUDEST DAD SNEEZES EVER. it’s like a GUNSHOT. and he acts like nothing happened

Twilight:

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again. extreme southern twilight. country boy. y’all’d’ve, yeehaw, howdy, and the like. It’s more of a texas twang than a Deep South drawl tho

includes all the phrasing idiosyncrasies that come with that

2nd deepest link voice

uses a lot of ordonian slang no one understands. there's a lot of about goats.

his voice and the way he speaks is really Warm

not afraid to Yell. in fact he will. he’s hollering right now

very rich singing voice. hums a lot

Warriors:

extremely posh british accent.

I actually don’t think he’s spoken like that all his life, but he worked very hard to train himself to speak this way

he is smack dab in the middle of the chains high and low voice scale

also a member of the Extremely Commanding Voice crowd. don’t make him use his captain voice

Legend:

idk I imagine him with a general American accent with a bit of a nasal quality to it.

I also like the idea of him with a HEAVY Yorkshire accent but I lean towards the first

Another tenor

there’s a really piercing quality abt his voice and the way he speaks

extremely dry, sardonic tone

always kind of sounds like he’s annoyed

absolutely allergic to sounding sincere. often sounds like he’s being sarcastic even when he’s not. The verbal equivalent of resting bitch face

LOUD

bonus Ravio: He has a Jersey accent. a strong one. I don’t make the rules. that’s the accent in lorule. fight me about it.

Hyrule:

I’ve seen ppl headcanon him with Jason Ritter's performance as Dipper Pines and like. yes. YES.

since legend is his direct predecessor I imagine him w the same accent, but he has this kind of strange musical, dream-like quality to the way he speaks. something is just a little off

sounds like a sweet boy

always sounds just a little bit exhausted

is terrifying when he raises his voice. like bro ur triple fucked.

Wind

i also just kind of imagine him w a general American accent but I like the idea he tricks them all into thinking he actually speaks like a pirate for like the first two weeks of being in the chain

no volume control

run on sentences galore

curses too many times in a sentence just because

Sky:

stick with me here. I tend to imagine him with the accent that Swedish people have when they speak English. don’t ask me why. but like a light accent just kind of that quality to the vowels

actual deepest voice link

he’s on the quiet and soft spoken side but can get surprisingly loud under the right circumstances, especially when he’s angry or excited

makes a lot of?? sound effect noises in his daily life?? like when he does actions he’ll make a little sound effect to go with it??

also guilty of using obscure skyloft idioms no one understands. he does it more than anyone else

talks in his sleep and he always sounds so urgent and it's terrifying bc when does sky ever sound that urgent

Four:

either a general American or English accent?? I am not sure yet

I love the idea tho that each color has a slightly different manner of speaking, and that if ur paying attention you can tell who’s piloting the plane in that moment

like that blue is more assertive and curses more, vio is dry, somewhat snippy, and uses a lot of big words, red speaks really fast and uses a lot of flowery language, and green speaks simply and straightforwardly. Four can be any of these things at once

this is too long anyway as always subject to change whenever i feel like it lol I spend a lot of time thinking abt this. also when I reference specific accents what I really mean is, The Hylian Equivalent Of An Accent That Sounds Like This

#ask #lu #linked universe #linkeduniverse #headcanons #lu wild #lu time #lu twilight #lu warriors #lu legend #lu hyrule #lu sky #lu wind #lu four #no art today but u can have 3 pages of meta

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spiciespencie · 3 years

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Spencer being the camera man with you so he can have a video to watch while he's on a case and so you star following his instructions and fuck yourself, he's so turn on that he leaves the camera on the tripod, sits and he starts touching himself

hehehe i like this one ;)

CW: penetrative sex (toy), kinda voyeurism, fingering, cum play, masturbation (male and female), kissing, dom!spencer, sub!reader, a comment is made abt switch!spencer, making a porno? idk what to call it. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

spencer had been gone so frequently in the past few months. today, you planned on doing something special for him. you weren’t exactly sure what you should do, but that’s when he brought the solution to you.

“spence,” you piped in, stepping out of the bathroom once you had showered to peek at your boyfriend reading in a chair. “i was wondering something.”

“what would that something be?” he piped up, placing the book down on the nightstand.

“when you’re away on cases… what’s the hardest part about being away on cases?” you cringed at the wording.

“being away from you,” he answered within a heartbeat. “especially when we’re on a case where the hours are ridiculous. sometimes by the time i get to the hotel, you’re deep in sleep.”

“right…” you tried to think of some sort of solution that could stem from this issue. “what’s one of the hardest parts of being away from me?”

“what’s this about?” he chuckled as he walked closer to you, holding onto your elbows as if to stabilize you.

“i don’t know… you’ve just been gone a lot and i feel bad. i wanna do something special for you so being away wouldn’t be so tough,” you shrugged before spencer cupped your cheek and neck, bringing your lips to meet with his softly and tentatively.

“never,” he began once he pulled away, “has anyone loved me so much as to be so thoughtful. i love you beyond measure. so much so that i feel as though ‘i love you’ is too mundane a phrase,” he whispered with such sincerity it brought tears to your eyes.

“stop, i’m supposed to be displaying my love for you right now,” you shoved his shoulder playfully before giving him a hug.

“the sex,” he randomly stated. you pulled back and gave him a quizzical look. “the hardest part of being away from you, that there may be a solution for, is sex. i’m always thinking about you, and you make me horny… a lot.”

“well, doctor,” you trailed your hands to his shoulders, knowing calling him ‘doctor’ always got to him, “what is the remedy to this problem?”

and now, you were sitting naked on the bed, legs spread so spencer, and the camera, could see all of you very clearly.

you’re making a video for him for while he’s away. at least that way, he’ll still have a piece of you.

“run your hand down your body like i would, kitten, play with your tits,” he ordered, zooming the camera in to focus on only you.

“yes, doctor,” you ran your hands from your hair down to your breasts, playing with them and tweaking your nipples and massaging the pillowy flesh before trailing them down to your torso.

“now i want you to see how wet you are for me,” he added, biting his lower lip as he began to look through the camera.

you let your fingers wander between your legs, cupping your center before using your middle and ring finger to gather the wetness that’s accumulated from the way spencer had been eyeing you.

“look,” you presented your fingers to him and the camera before pressing them to your tongue and sucking all of your juices off of them. “you sure you don’t want me to relieve some of that pressure?” you eyed his obvious bulge, not like he was trying to hide it.

“i’ve got it covered, my love,” he began palming himself over his pants, his breathing becoming a bit heavier but not doing anything more; this video was all about you. “pick up the toy, suck on it like you would my dick.”

you reached onto your nightstand and grabbed the dildo he has bought you, one relatively similar in size to him that was a lavender color. you opened your mouth and hit it against your tongue how spencer would often do before allowing you to take the reigns.

once you wrapped your lips around it, you would shift eye contact between spencer and the camera, not knowing which one you wanted to look at more. you opted for the camera, that way at least future spencer could look in your eyes as he would work himself to that high you would miss witnessing. you began exaggerating everything for the sake of the camera, shoving the silicone down your throat and gagging on it, allowing your saliva to drip down to your chest, your tears staining your cheeks. it was exactly as if spencer were doing this.

although he wasn’t, it would never be that good.

“fuck, y/n,” he whispered loud enough for you to hear, acting as if the microphone wouldn’t be able to pick up the sound. “are you ready for it? or do you need to get yourself ready first?”

“can’t you do it for me?” you pleaded. “you do it so much better, make me feel so good,” even whipping out the old puppy dog eyes didn’t work.

“answer the fucking question,” he reasoned with. “are you ready for it or not?”

“i-i’m ready now,” you bit your lower lip as you swallowed thickly.

“good girl,” he grinned. “now i want you to slowly push it in.”

you listened exactly. spreading your legs even wider and planting your feet on the bed, you put the fake dick at your entrance and slowly let the head enter you. your breathing picked up slightly the deeper the toy got inside of you. by the time it was all the way inside, you were nearly out of breath.

“fuck yourself with it,” he ordered, beginning to rub himself a bit more than before. “slowly, and play with your tits too, like i would.”

pushing the toy in and out of you slower than you would’ve liked, purposefully teasing yourself, you trailed your free hand up to cup your breast. you began to knead the mound, occasionally paying special attention to your nipples like spencer would. although, you wish he would’ve taken it in his mouth then and there. he did everything better. it’s like he knew your body better than you, which was decently plausible.

“spen-spencer,” you moaned out, silently pleading him to fake mercy on you.

“faster,” he pulled himself out of his slacks now, his breathing becoming subtle moans as yours were radiating in the room.

“fuck, please,” you didn’t know what you needed, but you needed something else, something more.

“shit,” he groaned, his head falling back for the briefest of seconds. “clit,” he breathed out, “rub your clit.”

“oh my god,” you used your fingers to find the sensitive pearl and began playing with it.

it had been so long since you had done this yourself, spencer always insisted on doing it for you and when you were away, he didn’t want you to touch yourself or cum without him. he was a rather possessive dom - although you were bound to prove he was a switch somehow, but that’s for another time.

“i’m so close,” you threw your own head back. “i need you spencer! please, god!” you let the tears that were welling in your eyes overflow, hoping the man would take pity on you.

“keep going. don’t fucking stop,” he commanded as he worked himself closer to the edge.

“please!” you cried out. “let me taste you, please! cum in my mouth!” you begged him, losing all dignity and self respect for the genius across the room. “spencer! fuck-please! i need you so fucking bad!”

“cum, my love,” he chuckled as he saw your legs trembling, your knees closing in on nothing and your hands ceasing their movements as you came down. the whole time he was working himself to his own high, his cum covering his stomach after watching your spectacular performance. “wanna clean up for me?”

you eagerly nodded and removed the toy from inside, wincing slightly from the stimulation before padding across the room with weak legs and kneeling below him. he grasped your hands and it them on his knees, giving you permission to touch him. you smiled before you extended your body, bringing your tongue to his stomach and licking up all of his cum. perhaps you sucked a few marks whilst doing so… but what could you say? you loved the man, and he’s yours.

“so good for me, my love, y’know that?” you shook your head ‘no’ so he would go on. “i think you do,” you smirked at his words. “cleaning up my own mess after starring in a video for me? you’re too good for me, love.”

“never,” you interrupted as he helped you to your feet. “you deserve the best, and i can only try and provide a fraction of that for you.”

#spencer reid smut #tw voyeurism #soft dom!spencer

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