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youwerenevermeanttofeelalone · 4 years ago

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Belated Celebration

I reached the astounding milestone of 1.1k followers back in October which also marked a year from when I started this blog and put a celebration to the side in order to do kinktober because I had plans to do this in November. Health issues got in the way so this will be a belated celebration.

Again, thank you so, sooooo much for putting up with me. The fact that you lovely people want to read what I have to offer and are willing to share pieces of yourselves with me through your requests and comments means a lot to me.

I’ll accept as many entries as I get from today (December 6th) until December 13th at 11:59 pm CST. All of them will be filled throughout January and —if necessary— February.

FAQ | fandom/character list

Rules:

Send me one or two AUs/situations, up to five prompts, and a character (you can send more than one character if you want me to write a poly relationship or a threesome/orgy and in that case, you can send up to eight prompts.)

If you’re not interested in any of the AUs or situations, you can tell me to pick those myself or send me a song and I’ll write a fic based on that song with the prompts you’ve chosen.

Please specify gender. If you don’t, I’ll write the fic with a gender-neutral reader by default.

When it comes to smut, I always write the reader as a person with a vagina. If you want me to write the reader as an intersex person or a person with a penis, please specify.

You can send in as many requests as you want, but please do it in separate asks.

prompts and AUs/situations under the cut

AUs & situations

AUS

✳︎ soulmate AU ✳︎ roommate AU ✳︎ neighbor AU ✳︎ modern AU ✳︎ fake dating AU ✳︎ college AU ✳︎ baker AU ✳︎ artist AU ✳︎ fairy tale AU (specify which one) ✳︎ library AU ✳︎ bookshop AU ✳︎ CEO AU ✳︎ Hogwarts AU ✳︎ arranged marriage AU ✳︎ royal AU ✳︎ bodyguard AU ✳︎ teacher AU ✳︎ bartender AU ✳︎ rich person AU ✳︎ actor AU ✳︎ model AU ✳︎ photographer AU ✳︎ movie AU (specify which movie) ✳︎ omegaverse ✳︎ canon universe

Situations

✳︎ there’s only one bed ✳︎ dating app ✳︎ secret admirer ✳︎ at a wedding ✳︎ accidental marriage ✳︎ wedding date hire ✳︎ locked in a room/closet together ✳︎ love triangle ✳︎ game night (truth or dare, love dice, never have I ever, etc.) ✳︎ secret relationship ✳︎ oblivious sexual tension ✳︎ break up/makeup ✳︎ age gap ✳︎ frenemies with benefits ✳︎ friends with benefits ✳︎ frenemies to lovers ✳︎ friends to lovers ✳︎ childhood friends to lovers ✳︎ enemies to lovers ✳︎ friends to enemies to lovers ✳︎ enemies to friends to lovers ✳︎ finally home after a hard day ✳︎ stuck in a place together for a long period of time ✳︎ seeing each other for the first time in a while ✳︎ meeting for the first time

Prompts

Angst & hurt/comfort

A1 - “My heart hurts when I look at you.”

A2 - “Don’t blame it on the alcohol, you tasted like you wanted me.”

A3 - “If anything ever happens to me, remember that I’ll always love you.”

A4 - “Darling, your heart is too pure for me.”

A5 - “Don’t pretend that you don’t feel the same way.”

A6 - “Don’t leave me like that again, you scared me.”

A7 - “I can’t be without you.”

A8 - “Don’t tell me you love me unless you mean it.”

A9 - “They told me that you’d break my heart, but, holy shit, they never said it would hurt like this.”

A10 - “We need to talk.”

A11 - “Surprise! I have feelings and you just hurt them.”

A12 - “The worst thing is, that even after all of that, I’m still in love with you.”

A13 - “You look beautiful in your wedding dress/attire, I’m happy for you.”

A14 - “Choose me or lose me. I’m not a backup plan, and I’m definitely not a second choice.”

A15 - “Did it ever occur to you that you’re hurting me too?”

A16 - “You’re right, I did love you, I just don’t know if I can say the same now.”

A17 - “I wasn’t the one who walked away from us. You were.”

A18 - “I fell for you without even knowing it and, Jesus, does it hurt that you can’t see it.”

A19 - “Please don’t love me the way you loved your exes.”

A20 - “I know you think we’re not right for each other, but we’ve run into each other too many times for you to tell me this isn’t fate.“

A21 - “There’s always a place in my bed for you, I will wait no matter what.”

A22 - “Do you even still love me?”

A23 - “I told you not to fall in love with me.”

A24 - “Don’t leave me.”

A25 - “I can’t pretend anymore.”

A26 - “Tell me I’m wrong.”

A27 - “Don’t you dare walk out that door.”

A28 - “There was never an ‘us’.”

A29 - “Do you really think I’m happy?”

A30 - “I don’t want your apology.”

A31 - “Stop pretending like everything is fine.”

A32 - “What the hell were you thinking?”

A33 - “I didn’t believe you cared.”

A34 - “You’re jealous.”

A35 - “You may be attractive, but I’m not sleeping with you.”

A36 - “The bed is cold without you.”

A37 - “When did you stop loving me?”

A38 - “How do I make you love me again?”

A39 - “Shouldn’t you be with him/her/them?”

A40 - “I wasn’t lying when I said I loved you.”

A41 - “They don’t deserve you.”

A42 - “I never meant to fall in love with you. I just did.”

A43 - “Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like.”

A44 - “Shit, is that blood?”

A45 - “I think we need a break.”

A46 - “Are you even listening?”

A47 - “Just leave me alone.”

A48 - “What’s wrong with me?”

A49 - “We don’t/wouldn’t work.”

A50 - “You had me! And you ruined it on your own.”

Fluff

F1 - “You look beautiful in anything.”

F2 - “I can’t believe I got the first date, let alone a year.”

F3 - “I have so much love for you. I actually never thought I could feel like this, but you proved me wrong.”

F4 - “I don’t care where I’m sleeping as long as it’s with you.”

F5 - “God, I’m never leaving your side again.”

F6 - “Every inch of you is breathtaking.”

F7 - “Why do you have to look at me like that? It’s making me weak, please stop.”

F8 - “Is this the moment that we kiss?”

F9 - “The more I look at you, the more I think we need to leave.”

F10 - “Look at me. I love you.”

F11 - “I—I think we should go for dinner first.”

F12 - “I love you more than coffee.” distant gasps

F13 - “I’m asking because I’ve seen the way you look at me.”

F14 - “I’m tired and my bed feels so empty without you here.”

F15 “Are you going to kiss me or will you just keep staring?”

F16 “I think you need to tell me the truth about how you feel towards me.”

F17 - “You keep saying we’re friends, but you look at me for a moment too long for that to be true.”

F18 - “Not only am I deeply in love with you, you’re my best friend.”

F19 - “I know you haven’t done anything, but can you please stop looking so goddamn kissable? My parents are here.”

F20 - “The things I would do just to see your face right now.”

F21 - “You’re the only person I’ve ever actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”

F22 - “Please come home, this doesn’t feel right.”

F23 - “You look like you could use a hug.”

F24 “Why do I feel like I’m home whenever you’re near me?”

F25 - “Oh my God... you’re in love with him/her/them!”

F26 - “Do you want to make out as badly as I want right now?”

F27 - “Are you flirting with me?” / “You finally noticed?”

F28 - “I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re beautiful.”

F29 - “I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone this much before.”

F30 - “Take my bed tonight, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

F31 - “I could kiss you right now!”

F32 - “You’re cute when you’re half asleep.”

F33 - “You should sleep in my bed more often.”

F34 - “Have you always been this beautiful?”

F35 - “Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.”

F36 - “I know I’ve kissed you like, ten times, but can I kiss you just like another ten, please?”

F37 - “Oh, wow, holy crap, wow... you’re so pretty.”

F38 - “Can you please... uh... I don’t know, put a shirt on?”

F39 - “I’m so madly and deeply in love with you, please meet me so we can discuss this.”

F40 - “I would’ve waited an eternity if I knew you were what I’d get at the end of it.”

F41 - “Thank you for loving me, I couldn’t have been luckier.”

F42 - “Every morning you kiss my forehead before I leave for work, why was it my lips today?”

F43 - “You keep that photo of us in your wallet?”

F44 - “I’ve fallen for you and it’s becoming difficult for me to get anything done.”

F45 - “All I can think of is your lips on mine.”

F46 - “I fought so hard to get you and thank God I can finally rest.”

F47 - “I never thought we’d end up together, but here you are confessing everything to me.”

F48 - “You were never the person I wanted, but you were the only one I ever needed.”

F49 - “That night you kissed me and I thought I might melt.”

F50 - “From the moment I saw you, I knew I was in love.”

Smut

S1 - “Do you like it when I touch you like that?”

S2 - “Want to head back to my place?”

S3 - “What a pretty sight.”

S4 - “You have no idea what you do to me.”

S5 - “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

S6 - “You look so good with my hand wrapped around your throat.”

S7 - “I don’t care how good it feels, you better not come until I tell you to.”

S8 - “Look, I’m not into choking but I wouldn’t mind if you grabbed me by the neck every once in a while.”

S9 - “You better be quiet or everyone’s going to know what a naughty little slut you are.”

S10 - “Maybe If I punish you it’ll help you remember who you belong to next time.”

S11 - “If you keep making those sounds I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”

S12 - “Such a needy little thing, aren’t you?”

S13 - “Pushing back against my fingers already? How pathetic.”

S14 - “When we get home I’m cuffing you to the bed and I’m going down on you all night until my jaw is sore.”

S15 - “Did you touch yourself while I was gone?”

S16 - “These walls are pretty thick, you can be as loud as you want.”

S17 - “Come sit on my face, let me show you how much I missed you.”

S18 - “I wonder what your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner would do if they knew what you’re doing right now.” (the story would contain cheating if you pick this one.)

S19 - “I bet all our neighbors can hear what a dirty little slut you are.”

S20 - “Come here, baby, let mommy/daddy take care of you.”

S21 - “Scream my name, I want everyone nearby to know who’s making you feel this good.”

S22 - “You look real pretty when you cry out.”

S23 - “Tell me what you like.”

S24 - “Shhh, don’t worry. I’ll take good care of you.”

S25 - “Think you can handle that much?”

S26 - “Call me selfish, but I don’t want anyone else to touch you.”

S27 - “I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you forget you ever even met that asshole.”

S28 - “Are you trying to turn me on right now or are you really just that oblivious?”

S29 - “Baby, I know you’re not trying out the new shower head without me.”

S30 - “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you moan... it was like a fucking melody.”

S31 - “I know for a fact that you can be a hell of a lot louder than that.”

S32 - “God damnit, now all I can think about right now is you licking my cock like it’s that ice cream cone.”

S33 - “Just let me finish this level and I swear I’ll go down on you until you come at least three times.”

S34 - “You’re virgin? How?!”

S35 - “Are you going to eye fuck me all night or are you going to do something about it?”

S36 - “If you don’t stop looking at my lips without doing anything about it, I will take you right here on this counter.”

S37 - “Shall we— shall we go back t—to my place?

S38 - “You don’t know half the things you do to me.”

S39 - “I’m aggressively thinking about having sex with you and trying to keep a straight face at the same time. Do you know how hard that is?”

S40 - “You’ve been giving me bedroom eyes for the past half an hour — time to show me what, exactly, was on your mind.”

S41 - “Bite your lip one more time, I dare you.”

S42 - “God, I love your hands.” / “Let’s put them to good use, then.”

S43 - “I don’t care what you do as long as you also do me.”

S44 - “I’ve never wanted to fuck somebody so badly.

S45 - “Just shut up and fuck me.”

S46 - “I might have seen this very moment in a wet dream once.”

S47 - “I know we’re just friends, but you’re sitting on my lap so I’m sorry if I get hard.”

S48 - “You know, there wasn’t a single thing to eat in the kitchen until you walked in.”

S49 - “I didn’t wanna say anything because we’re such good friends, but I would totally fuck you if you asked.”

S50 - “What are you doing?” / “Hopefully you.”

Miscellaneous

M1 - “I desperately want to take you out for dinner and slow dance with you until the sun comes up, but I also want to grip your hair as I watch you writhing underneath me.”

M2 - “You’re very attractive. Therefore I will stare at you.”

M3 - “Somebody’s cranky.” / “Somebody needs to shut the fuck up.”

M4 - “You’re not short. You wouldn’t understand.”

M5 - “(Character/Your Name) NO.” / “(Character/Your Name) YES.”

M6 - “You’re cute when you’re angry.” / “Yeah, well, I’m about to get really fucking adorable.”

M7 - “I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”

M8 - “Do I look like I give a fuck?”

M9 - “What are you doing?” / “Hiding.” / “Hiding from what?” / “Everything.”

M10 - “You’re really cute and it’s ruining my life because I think about kissing you all the time.”

M11 - “Not to dictate your life, but dump your asshole boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and drop your shitty friends.”

M12 - “If anyone can do it, then someone who isn’t me can do it.”

M13 - “Man, how many eye contact until we date?”

M14 - “God has a favorite TV series and it’s called my life.”

M15 - “It’s a beautiful day to stop wasting my time, honey.”

M16 - “Women aren’t complicated. You’re just dumb.”

M17 - “I’m actually pretty cool if you give me five tries to get it right.”

M18 - “Well, this social situation isn’t going the way I acted it out in the shower.”

M19 - “Do the dark circles under my eyes and my unwashed hair turn you on?”

M20 - “My opinion is no.”

M21 - “Are we gonna hold hands or what?”

M22 - “True love is having a crush even when they get a bad haircut.”

M23 - “Be prepared to add a cute emoji next to my name in your contact list because you’re gonna love me.”

M24 - “Was that just awkward eye contact or were we checking each other out?”

M25 - “His/her/their use of common sense is so fucking hot.”

#ywnmtfa’s belated celebration #plus size reader #plus size fanfiction

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riversofmars · 4 years ago

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December 1st December 2nd December 3rd December 4th December 5th December 6th December 7th December 8th December 9th

The streets were busy so it was fairly easy for Graham to follow Donna and the youngest Doctor without being noticed. He managed to get close enough to be able to make out their conversation. Graham had to admit, he was more curious about learning about the Doctor's past, than he was about figuring out what had brought them all here. It wasn’t exactly like they were in any immediate danger.

“So where do you want to start?“ Donna asked, watching the Doctor scanning their surroundings with his sonic.

“Can’t even get any useful readings.“ He huffed, giving his sonic a shake.

“Maybe it’s broken, why don’t you check with your wife if she has a spare.“ Donna smirked, finding great amusement in the whole situation. The Doctor glared at her. “What? It’s not every day you find out your best mate is married.“

“I mean, I knew she would be something to me one day but who could have guessed that?“ He retorted coming to a halt while fumbling with his screwdriver.

“Me and everyone else in that Library.“ Donna had to point out, it had been painfully obvious to everyone there that there was chemistry between them.

“Shut up.“ The Doctor groaned.

“The way you were bickering, those stolen glances and the whispers…“ Donna had a great time with this as she recalled how they had acted around each other. She had never seen the Doctor as off balance with anyone as he had been with River. Having seen her interact with the Doctor’s older selves who appeared well and truly in love with her, it all made a lot more sense now.

“Wasn’t the way they’re looking at her though.“ The Doctor mumbled as he stopped rewiring the screwdriver’s circuits. He didn’t look at Donna, he hated being vulnerable in front of people, but she was his best friend and he had to air his worries.

“Well, that’s the way you will be looking at her.“ Donna retorted more softly, realising how uncomfortable he felt about the whole thing.

“When we met her at the Library… it was so strange, she knew my name, Donna, she knew everything about me.“ He sighed looking at her now, needing to have this conversation. To his relief, there was no teasing or amusement on Donna’s part, just understanding and compassion for her best friend.

“She’s your wife, she should know those things. And she’s from your future. This is a good thing, other people would give their right arm to know they have a soul mate out there. I get that knowledge is unsettling but you’ll get there. You’ve had a sneak peek.“ She pointed out with a kind smile, then changed back to her usual loud mouthed self: “I don’t know what you’re whinging about, she’s a catch, more than you deserve.“ The Doctor couldn’t help but laugh, shaking off the gloom.

“She’s quite hot isn’t she.“ He smirked.

“I’m not the person to have that conversation with!“ Donna shut him down immediately. “You can talk to her other husbands about that. I bet they’ll be able to give you some spoilers!“

“Uhm…“ The Doctor didn’t know what to respond to that or how he felt about that idea.

“I bet they know her a lot better in so many ways…“ Donna smirked, never passing up an opportunity of winding him up. “You can stop feeling guilty now, she’s alive.“ She pointed out on a more serious note.

“Yeah she is…“ He mused, weighing her words. “After all this time… I got her out, I got it right.“ He thought back to saving her mind to the Library. How victorious he had felt and how content he had been with the solution. He had never even considered what it had meant for him. How terrible a situation it had been, for River in particular. And how lacking his great safe had really been. “At the time I saved her but I didn’t think twice about it, not until now. I never even said goodbye…“ Only upon seeing his future selves, seeing them with River, had he started really contemplating how River must have felt to see him. When he hadn’t recognised her. He had seen the flash of sorrow in her eyes when she had realised he didn’t know her. But he hadn’t really thought about it. Hadn’t considered the full weight of it until now. “She died, Donna, my wife died in front of me, and I couldn’t even tell her I loved her.“

“You didn’t know at the time.“ Donna reached out and took his hand. She had rarely seen him so vulnerable.

“But I did know, I knew it deep down, who she was, who she would become…“ He admitted, struggling with his conscience.

“I think you will make up for that a few times over, don’t you?“ Donna gave his hand a squeeze.

“Yes… for me, yes, I had all that to come, but for her… I was the last face she saw until now.“ He took a deep breath. “Can’t blame her for turning the other way…“

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, I’m sure she loves you just as much as the others…“ She chuckled and he gave a sigh, accepting that there was no point in beating himself up over it now. “I mean you are the same person so she must do… God, this is complicated, can we get going? My feet are freezing and you insisted we find out what’s going on with this place.“ Donna went on, sensing he was getting himself together. “If this keeps bothering you so much, why don’t you talk to her? Tell her that you understand now. Might make you feel better.“ She offered.

“I’ll end up forgetting about it.“ The Doctor huffed.

“She won’t though and that’s what matters.“ Donna pointed out.

“I don’t like it when you’re right.“ He grumbled.

“I’m always right.“ Donna smirked.

“No you’re not.“ The Doctor gave her shoulder a playful shove. She looped her arm into his and they carried on on their way surveying their surroundings. “Now why is this thing not working right? Almost like something is interfering with it…“ He mused scanning with his sonic again.

Graham remained rooted to the spot for a moment, working through what he had heard. His heart sank for his friend. What a terrible thing to live with. The knowledge of how someone would eventually die while you kept meeting and falling in love with them... It was no wonder the Doctor never spoke of River Song. He imagined it was too painful for her. It was also no wonder she didn't jump at the opportunity to jump at her. Having lived with such pain for so long probably made it hard to trust this slither of hope, this dream come true…

#Doctor Who #advent calendar #River x ten #yowzah #space wives #river song #tenth doctor #donna noble #fanfiction #christmas #christmas special #home for chirstmas #thirteenth doctor #fluff

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broadwaycantdie · 5 years ago

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The Boy

( jojo’s diary ) + ( jojo x tb ) + ( fluff )

a/n: i often hurt jojo so i wanted to do him some good // also jojo and tommy boy is a completely underrated ship that i stan v hard // p.s. jojo talks to his diary like it’s a person cause that’s just who he is

warnings: language, mentions of intimacy

——————————————————————————

December 5th, 2008

Today I saw the prettiest boy I think I’ve ever seen.

I guess he got put into my Spanish class? I think he’s new? I walked in and there he was. I’ve never seen him before. That beautiful motherfucker. Who is he? I wish I knew.

Decemeber 6th, 2008

I almost talked to the pretty boy today. I was going to but once I finally built up the courage, it was too late. There’s always tomorrow!

December 7th, 2008

The boy was absent today.

December 8th, 2008

I talked to him! I found out he’s called Tommy Boy. That can’t be his real name. Maybe it’s Tommy? I don’t know but that’s what he introduced himself as so that’s what I’ll call him.

I was going to have a full conversation but I ran out of time. I told him his outfit looked nice cause it did. He dresses really good. He seems so sweet and so kind.

My heart pounded really hard after.

December 9th, 2008

The boy is really bad at spanish. He’s trying though, he’s just not good.

I also know I could write his name but incase anyone finds this I’m gonna keep calling him “the boy”.

Call me paranoid, I guess.

December 11th, 2008

I went to the mall and guess who was there? THE BOY! I can’t tell if he was looking at me or not but my friends told me he definitely was checking me out. I don’t believe them. I don’t like him or anything, he’s just super pretty and makes me heart all fluttery. But I don’t like him. I don’t.

December 12th, 2008

Okay I like the boy.

December 15th, 2008

The boy really needs help in Spanish. He keeps failing the tests. Maybe I could tutor him. Maybe it’ll turn into something more? No. But he does need help.

December 16th, 2008

Winter break starts tomorrow and I want to hang out with the boy. But I don’t know the boy. And the boy doesn’t know me. I could say it’s tutoring, but who wants to do schoolwork over break?

Maybe I could just tell him I want to be with him. Nah, that’s too straight-forward.

December 17th, 2008

I’m so stupid oh my gosh I can’t believe I did that.

I asked him if he needed help. AND HE SAID YES.

HE ASKED ME IF WE COULD GET TOGETHER OVER BREAK TO WORK ON HIS SPANISH SO HE COULD COME BACK DOING BETTER NEXT SEMESTER!

AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO A COFFEE SHOP AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.

I’ll just be having a panic attack until then. Don’t mind me.

December 27th, 2008

Tomorrow is the day. I haven’t stopped shaking since he asked me. I got all my books together and I can’t figure out what to wear.

Why am I so nervous? It’s not like I’ve never hung out with anyone before?

Maybe I should sleep to get my mind off it.

December 29th, 2008

I’m pretty sure yesterday was the greatest day of my life. The boy is absolutely perfect and I can’t wait to see him again.

He was so sweet and kind to me.

He kept messing up on his pronunciations so I would say it correctly and have him repeat it and he told me he liked my accent and we both blushed really hard. At least I felt myself blush. And I saw his face. He’s really cute when he gets shy.

We sat in the shop for a long time until he said he couldn’t take anymore learning for one day. I also didn’t want to keep going but I didn’t want to leave him.

BUT THEN

He asked if I wanted to go get something to eat and I said yes. Then he asked where my car was parked and I told him I just walked and he said he would drive me to get food with him. SO I DID!

We went to a cute little 50’s themed diner and talked a lot about ourselves and our lives and everything.

I had my arms on the table waiting for our food and he reached over and grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb against the side of it. And then he looked at me and told me he was really thankful for my help and that we should do it more often and that we should get together more.

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Then when we finished eating he payed for me before I could even get my wallet out. What a gentleman.

After that he asked me what time I had to be home and I told him that it didn’t matter cause it doesn’t.

AND THIS BOY

ASKS ME IF I WANT TO GO BACK TO HIS PLACE

and I said yes, of course

So we went back to his house and he told me he was home alone for the week cause his parents were on a cruise or something that he didn’t want to go on.

We sat on the couch and watched a movie. I don’t remember a lot cause I started to get really tired but I really didn’t want to leave. I did remember that.

I fell asleep laying on his chest on the couch then I woke up next to him in a bed this morning.

When I woke up and before I actually opened my eyes I could feel him rubbing his fingers in my hair real soft. He’s honestly so sweet and cute. AH!

He gave me a kiss on my forehead and let me tell you, diary, I don’t think I’ve ever blushed that hard, EVER.

Everything just felt so so good.

After a while I figured I had to go home so he dropped me off at my house and walked me up to the door. He asked if he was allowed to kiss me, which was absolutely precious, and I obviously said yes, I mean, why wouldn’t I? And we kissed and everything in the world just felt okay. It was weird. Not the kiss. But like how I felt. Like my whole body lit up and I felt like I was in a dream.

If he’s my dream then I never want to wake up.

December 31st, 2008

Happy New Year’s Eve, diary!

It’s been a few days since I wrote but they haven’t been that eventful.

The boy has been calling me every day which is cute. I like him a whole lot.

But the reason I started writing was because a few minutes ago he asked me to go to a New Years party with him tonight!

He’s picking me up at 9.

I’ve never been to Brooklyn, so let’s see how it goes.

January 2, 2009

Diary, I can’t even begin to tell you everything that happened at that party, but I will try (in a list cause it’s too much to actually write out and once I start I’ll never stop).

When he picked me up, he kissed my cheek

He held my hand for most of the time cause I guess I didn’t know how Brooklyn is like

I finally got to meet Race and Mike’s boyfriends in person! They seem nice :)

Before drinking, the boy asked if I minded if he drank and if I wanted to as well, which I thought was really sweet cause no one has ever asked me that before

We drank a lot, actually (I’m suprised I still remember everything)

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

We also danced a lot, like a LOT a lot. He’s a really good dancer

When the ball dropped he kissed me on the mouth for a real long time and when he pulled away he gave me this look, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe it but it basically said “let’s go somewhere private”

After that he took my hand and lead me to a bedroom, I don’t know whose bedroom it was but I didn’t really care

He asked me if I was comfortable with him and I told him yes cause I am, and he asked if I wanted to make out with him and I said cause cause of course I wanted to

Then we made out for who knows how long but it felt like forever and I was completely happy with that

He didn’t try anything, he didn’t reach down my pants or try to start anything but he did take off a lot of my clothes and I returned the favor (let me tell you diary, this boy has the body of a greek god, I almost couldn’t comprehend how good he looked)

We slept in that room and then when I woke up he was laying on his stomach and I started to run my fingers along his back muscles (which were gorgeous by the way!)

I can’t believe what I did, I wasn’t really thinking, I just let go and did what I felt. But while rubbing his back I ran my hands lower like around his hips and butt. Not like me at all but it felt so good. And then he woke up and lifted his head and looked at me and so I moved my hand real fast cause I was kinda embarrassed and then hE PUT MY HAND BACK ON HIS BACK AND TOLD ME HE LIKED IT AND SAID HE ESPECIALLY LIKED WHEN I WENT LOWER!!

Something came over me (but I wasn’t mad, honestly) and I started getting really flirty like maybe it’s being around him but woah

So I looked at him and said “oh, I can do better than that” and he smiled and was like “oh you can? like what?” but like it wasn’t mean he was also flirty and then I said “roll over and I’ll show you” and so he did and I sat myself right on his chest like near the bottom and started kissing him

I’m not gonna give details of everything that happened cause that’s weird and I don’t want anyone to find this and read that (again, call me paranoid) but let’s just say that was the first time I ever did that and it felt a lot better to do it with another person

After that he dropped me off at my house cause I didn’t want my parents to worry and he kissed me again at the door and woah diary no matter how many times we kiss I still feel butterflies in my stomach

January 16, 2009

Diary! It’s been a while since I wrote. The last thing you heard was the New Year’s party, but so much has happened since then. I’ve been so busy with the boy.

We went back to school a few days ago and everyone kept asking if we were together. I found out some people saw us together at the party and it spread from there. I’m not mad, it’s kinda fun having a lot of people talk to me for once.

But the rumors are true.

The boy and I are together! <3

He makes my heart flip around itself and I don’t know what I’d do without him.

He’s my light and he’s my love.

My baby.

That feels so good to say.

I have a good feeling about this one. He could be it. I really hope he is. I couldn’t imagine being without him at this point. Though it’s only been a short time, I can just feel it. You know? That feeling in your heart and soul that this is the one person you can spend the rest of your life with. He‘s that person. The one.

July 28, 2016

Wow.

Hi Diary. Been a while? I forgot about you.

Today is the day of my wedding and as a gift, my mother gave this to me, confessing that she read it and thought it’d be good for me to reread.

I cried remembering all the memories this little book stored and how much trust I put in it to keep my secrets when no one else would.

I’m writing in this one last time to close a chapter and to keep this in the house my about-to-be husband and I are building. Maybe to one day reread it again and feel these emotions all over.

This book reminded me how much everything felt as a teenager, how much we took everything to heart and how every emotion was so overwhelming. I was reminded of those times of complete panic waiting for a first date and then completely letting myself go and facing new challenges on New Year’s.

I’ll never forget those times, as they shaped me into who I am today. Without those memories, I wouldn’t have built confidence, grown to love intimacy, or found a husband.

I always knew he was the one, and now I have proof.

Sincerely and most fondly yours, diary, I’ll continue to reread you when I can.

Thank you.

#newsies #fansies #toursies #newsies fluff #newsies fanfiction #jojo x tommy boy #newsies broadway #broadway #newsies on broadway #newsies on tour #newsies bway #newsies fandom #newsies fic #jojo newsies #tommy boy newsies #tommy boy x jojo #newsies diary #diary au #fluff

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veganfortheearthlings · 5 years ago

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Hello Earthlings!

Today is February 6

I want to write something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Before you read on I want to share:

> TRIGGER WARNING < mention of suicide! Some content may not be suitable for all readers and if that's the case please skip down the numbered list.

Today isn't a particularly significant day, but I realized it has been 26 months exactly since my brother passed away. Two years and two months. December 6th, 2017 was the last day my brother was alive. We didn't discover his body until two days later. After a blurry couple days of grieving the autopsy results came back:

Suicide by hanging

It was egregiously sudden. I knew my brother was going through some serious stuff but suicide??

I have my own history of suicidal thoughts and self harm in the deep dark abyss of depression and I turned to my brother for help or advice from time to time. I was finally beginning to emerge from the gripping darkness when my oldest sister picked me up from work. With my mom in the car they told me that the police had found my brother's body. The police immediately declared it a suicide and I knew in bones that wherever my brother was he wasn't happy with his decision.

It has been 26 months today since my brother took his life so today I hope I can help someone out by writing this list of "15 Reasons To Keep Living".

1.) The most said reason is surprisingly true. Things WILL get better! I remember those long nights where I'd drink alcohol and energy drinks in my bedroom at 3 am even though I had to be at work at 7 am. I cut. I drank hoping my organs would shut down or my heart would literally explode. I remember thinking it wouldn't get better, but I'm here typing this today because it did! Its hard and it's gonna hurt but I believe you can get through anything!

2.) Depression can seem lonely, like your friends and family care but they seem to keep you at arm's length. That's bullshit. If you're reading this I care about you. I've bled and been broken a thousand times and it's put me in a place where I can hopefully help you and I chose to take that chance. I am always available if you need someone to talk to :)

3.) You are the reason someone is happy! Have you ever seen a baby smile? The next time you're in a store and see a baby looking at you give them a smile. Most of the time they'll be super excited you even acknowledged them! It's the purest way to make someone else happy I've found to date.

4.) Animals. I'm vegan because I decided my existence shouldn't involve the exploitation of any other being. I have a cat (or to be honest my cat has a human) and she's delightfully sweet when I need her to be. Animals know when someone is hurting and most of them, if they're not predators, will try to show compassion. Just think of how many dogs you can make happy. If the noblest of species on this planet thinks you're worth love then maybe they're right!

5.) Books!

6.) Music!

7.) Foooood! Maybe you've lost all passion for things that used to make you happy. Books aren't as fun to read, your favorite music doesn't cheer you up, and food doesn't seem appetizing anymore. Or maybe they're an escape for you? If they are then that's a reason to keep living! Live to read new stories, hear new music, and try new foods!

8.) Maybe you haven't been able to travel and see more of the world. I know sometimes you might feel trapped in one place but opportunities to leave will present themselves in time. Suicide isn't an escape, it's a self made prison sentence that you can't escape from.

9.) Love. Okay here me out! Most people are lonely or just ended a relationship when they take their own life. I don't believe in God and I dont believe in heaven or hell but I do believe everyone in the world is compatible with someone! Not all love has to be romantic either. It could be love for a friend or even a pet. Maybe you haven't met yet but trust me please. They're there and they are waiting patiently to meet you!

10.) Art. I know I've always had an eye for art. 90% of the time I don't know what Im even looking but I appreciate all the time and energy that went into it! It opens the mind up to different cultures and different ways to do things. It might be poetry, music, sculpting, filmmaking, etc. People are coming up with new interesting stuff everyday and you can be there to enjoy it all.

11.) Little things. Petting a dog or a cat in your lap and hearing them purr. Brushing your teeth with your possible children. Snapchat filters. Singing in a goofy voice. Playing an instrument. Kindly buying someone else a drink out of the blue. Making a child smile. The little things you might have forgotten could be someone's precious memories of things you did.

12.) Regrets. You'll never get to have the satisfaction of saying you lived the life you wanted to live. My ideal life when I was depressed is nothing like the life I'm living now but that's because I changed as a person and now I've found happiness in simple things. I treasure life and I don't want to waste a second of it. Your life is precious and you should live it in a way that will make you truly happy.

13.) You can be a voice for others just like you. The world won't get any brighter if you turn off your light. My favorite inspirational quote goes like this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

It's not just in some of us;

It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

You can be a voice for the voiceless. You can be a whisper heard by the people who choose to ignore the screams of the suffering. One moment can change a day, one day can change a life, one life can change the world. That one can start with you.

14.) Nature. Humans aren't meant to be surrounded by concrete and steel. No being on this Earth can say their natural habitat is made in a factory or at a construction site. No, we are all primitive beings and nature is where our souls belong. Give yourself a reason to live by saying you're going to live how you are meant to live. School and 9-5 jobs weren't mother nature's inventions. I'm not saying quit school but there's always more to life than getting a piece of paper saying you're educated or having pieces of paper in your wallet with a made up value (money).

15.) You will never be able to see yourself smile again. Look in mirror. Chances are you might not like who you see. I certainly didn't. You have odd quirks and maybe disproportionate body parts. Maybe you have a tooth gap but that's what makes you original. There's no one else on this Earth with all the same qualities as you. I love you just the way you are. No make up and no shaving. You are naturally beautiful, it's the world who's ugly. If you took your life your uniqueness will leave this world. Don't become another statistic like my brother. I love him and he'll never be forgotten by me but the world will continue on. Only now he can't contribute and make my life or anyone else's life, including his own, any happier. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone to fight deep and hard to show you that you deserve to be happy. I hope someday soon you'll see how special you are and you'll love yourself because you deserve the realest purest love there is.

Thank you so much for reading this! If this helped you in any way please like and leave a comment if you have any questions! I put a lot of time and thought into this today because I love you and I think you deserve to be genuinely happy and I hope you find the happiness you're looking for soon.

Anyways that's going to be it from me. I will be back again very soon. I hope you have a good rest of the day!

Bye-bye!

☮️💚🌎

#veganism #mental health #love #self love #vegan #ilovebooks #i love you #mental disorder #mental heath support #positive mental attitude #mentally ill #inspiration #feminist #why we need feminism

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jaehyunisyoon-oh · 4 years ago

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Ae-jeong [ affection ] chapter 1 : The first encounter

Pairings: NCT Jaehyun X OC/You

Genre: Romance, thriller, romancethriller, best friend to lover, fluff

Haewon POV

The day of the incident, December 1st 2018

SM’s Office

I heaved a sigh of relief at successfully holding the elevator door before it closed, grimacing slightly because today I decided to go to the office with heels as high as 5cm. I exhaled annoyed and took off my heels, -the hell- with all of this I will be barefoot through the cold floor of the SM office in this winter.

"Your feet are all scratched" I turned around and Jaehyun with his black hoodie was frozen while leaning his body against the wall.

"Shit, Jaehyun, since when were you here?" I asked.

"Since a while ago, didn't the doctor say you shouldn't be carrying heavy things for a while?" Jaehyun asked then took the box I had been carrying.

"This is your v live property for today's live broadcast" I dodged, trying to avoid his sharp gaze.

"Is there no male staff in the NCT team?" Jaehyun asked coldly. If he has that look, that means I have to be careful, otherwise, he can explode in this elevator.

"There are tons of them, but you know how hectic it was. The other members just had to take off the accessories while running around, and then this box was left behind and by chance, I was still in the basement. So that's how it is," I explained at length. He remains silent, which make everything more awkward. Then silence broke out between the two of us, and if it's like this I don't know what to do. When I was little, every time Jaehyun sulked I would reluctantly have to share my weekly ice cream portion for him, and we will make it up again. But now, it would be very strange if suddenly ice cream pop up out of nowhere from my pants pocket right? Oh my god, why is going to the 5th floor take so long? Suddenly the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor and the door opened, a bearded man in a full cycling shirt looked at me while grinning like a fool. Yes, my brother. Cousin more precisely

"My sister?" Said Siwon with a dramatic pretentious face while entering the elevator. Then Siwon with his body still sticky with sweat hugged me.

"CHOI SIWON ARE YOU CRAZY ?! HOW MUCH HAVE I SAID DON'T HUG ME WHEN YOU ARE ALL SWEATY LIKE THIS?!" I shouted. More precisely, wrath. Fortunately, in this elevator, there are only three of us.

"Let your brother hug you, it won't kill you ... Soon Oppa has a schedule to Hong Kong so we won't meet again until...maybe at Christmas... Jaehyun? What's up?" Siwon hugs me and just realize that Jaehyun was behind us enjoying our lovely siblinghood moment, which I hate because I don't like it if by chance some workers see it, and start to think that I am the luckiest person on earth by coming from a rich household, being cousins to Siwon and is Jaehyun's best friend. That all happened before I was even born in this world, there is nothing I can do about it.

"How are you, Hyung? I have a V live schedule on the 6th floor" Jaehyun answered casually.

"I don't usually see you two together, you said that in the office you want to be professional with each other? Be careful later on becoming the centre of attention" Siwon raised his eyebrows with a happy smile. Look how they are chatting casually while I already want to pass out because I can't breathe in Siwon's arms.

"Compared to being afraid of being topic of the gossip, it's better to fix your drunk habits, stop rummaging through our family story," I grumbled.

"Eyy, at that time Oppa made a mistake. Seeing the two of you growing up like this, makes Oppa so emotional "Siwon increasingly tightened his arms and pressed his cheek to mine.

It's annoying to remember that again. Exactly after one year working as Entertainment manager of NCT, I am so glad that everything went peacefully because Jaehyun and I agreed to hide our relationship. But all of that was destroyed because Siwon explained everything very detailed about our 'friendship' at the Halloween Party last year. After midnight, when everyone was half-drunk (except the manager because they had to take the artist home), Siwon went onstage and made a very long speech, talking about how proud he was to see me achieving my dream - yes everyone already knew that you both are cousins since your mother married Choi family's youngest son - and suddenly reveal all the useless things about me and Jaehyun that make all the employees went awed.

"I went back to the basement because my charger was left in the practice room. Then I saw her ran around carrying a box this big" Jaehyun pointed at the large box he was carrying. More precisely like rattling me to Siwon. I gave him a cynical look that was completely ignored by him.

"Geez, Choi Haewon, you should not have carried this heavy stuff, last month you just had a Lasik surgery, what if the stitches come off? Then you... AWWW Haewon that’s hurt!" Siwon's chatter was interrupted as he grimaced in pain because I just bit his cheeks. It just so happened that the elevator opened on the 5th floor and I left those two annoying humans together.

When I arrived on the 5th floor, many employees were greeting me, a little surprised to see me barefoot while busy staring at the device in my hand. When I entered my cubicle, there were tons of unsign documents on the table. There is a placard with "Haewon Choi / Entertainment Manager of NCT" printed on it. I was just sitting down when Na-ri, the head of the artist planning department came in and brought several boxes with Louis Vuitton written on it.

"Haewon, we have a problem" Na-ri stood still, shaking her cellphone. I looked at her confused then stood up, looked at the cellphone and read the short message from Louis Vuitton who wanted their items to be returned right now.

"What? it's like 10 pm and drove to their office will take 2 hours. Oh my god, this is why I don't like it when a high-end brand asks us to do endorsements. After getting what they want, they will suddenly treat us as if we are going to steal it, "I said.

"How annoying, you should know the bracelet that Taeyong used was immediately out of stock. Taeyong's bracelets were trending all over the internet, yet they treat us like this? it seems like we have to stop doing this just to get a discount for the NCT stage outfit, can't we ask to raise the budget? 10 million won per member doesn't seem to be enough, "said Na-ri.

"Unfortunately I can't do that, the budget problem is the realm of finance and I don't want to argue with Mr Jang, our budget is at its highest now, we have to cut down a little bit because we have concert upcoming. And don't forget that we are the youngest team in this company, and I don't want to take the risk, that's kinda sensitive in Korean culture" I answered seriously. Mister Jang has been the head of finance at SM for almost 15 years, his hobby is to tell how hard the idol's of that time to have proper accommodation and now we are buying outfit that cost like one freaking car. Suddenly Na-ri's cellphone vibrates, and the owner of these box sends us a message again. I showed the message to Na-ri, with an annoyed face she posed as if to slam the box... which she couldn't possibly do because the price of one item in it could cost her entire salary.

"Alright, I'll return this right away," Na-ri said while sighing, I patted her back and put the cellphone into her backpack. Na-ri looks very adorable today, I and the other employees almost died out of laughter because Na-ri casually entered the meeting room with a rabbit-shaped backpack, short pink skirt and a white blouse. Fortunately, SM does not have strict regulations on how to dress its employees, in the end, this company is in the field of Entertainment and this type of company is famous for its concession in binding regulations that exist in Korean companies in general.

"Here, take my car. By the way, NCT's schedule will end in 2 hours, and they will immediately be taken to the dorm by the manager. So you should go straight home. " I give my car key to her.

"Thank you. Oh, by the way, Seung-ho Oppa (NCT manager) is still sick, can you please find someone to take the members home to the dorm? Today is the last day of NCT Dream's concert, maybe you should start asking anyone besides the managers." Na-ri pleaded and I replied with a happy smile. Finally, my chance came too.

"Of course I can," I replied with a smile, trying to hide my intentions from her.

"You ... don't even think about it! Just find someone else who can take the ..." Na-ri's chatter was cut off when I pushed her out and hurriedly closed the door to my room.

Jaehyun POV

10.50 PM

SM's Parking lot

We all just finished Live broadcasting on V app and now we are heading to our van to go back to the dorm. Every end of the year is tiring. No, this year is very tiring because all of us, as in 18 members, is promoting under NCT 2018 project, a Lee Soo Man's project that was finally happened because Haewon- our entertainment manager- felt that this project is going to be a very brilliant marketing step. Well, guess she was not wrong. Almost every day some members do live broadcasts, almost every week we have a schedule to appear on events or TV shows, even last week we just signed an exclusive contract with a sports clothing brand. Everything went according to plan and as artists, we are very proud to make it happens.

I, Doyoung, Haechan and Johnny had just arrived at the parking lot when I saw a woman, a girl to be exact, leaning against our van. She wears jeans with a black coat that almost sank her entire body, barefoot with heels on both of her hands. What was she thinking of not wearing any footwear in this weather? I exhaled annoyed while approaching the girl. The other members, especially Haechan gives dramatic screams and the others have put on a super horror face because our nightmares have finally happened again.

"Guess who will take you guys home today?" Haewon asked with her sweet smile while leaning in our van.

"Don't joke, where's Na-ri Noona?" Asked Doyoung while looking around.

"Na-ri is returning the sponsors' belongings and Seungho Oppa is still sick. Don't ask too many questions and get in quickly. The weather is very cold, you can't catch a cold on this super tight schedule," Haewon explained while with great difficulty trying to open our van's door.

We all decided to trust the girl and sat in the passenger seat with very tense faces. Doyoung, Haechan, Johnny and Taeyong looked very pale while watching her trying to adjust the height of the driver's chair.

"Haewon, the button is on your door," Johnny said with a sigh.

"Oh, thank you, Johnny," Haewon replied with a grin.

"Johnny Hyung, how about you just drive?" Haechan asked Johnny.

"Lee Haechan! It would be very dangerous if an idol drives alone, you understand right? Just wear your goddamn seat belt and go to sleep there!" Haewon grumbles.

"Wouldn't it be more dangerous to let Noona drive?" Grunted Haechan and checked once again the seatbelt he was wearing.

"Never mind, stop making Haewon nervous, I still want to live longer in this world" Said Taeyong who was met with Haewon's ferocious look.

During the trip to the dorm, I could not stop staring at the girl beside me. She looks very adorable when she's serious. Her petite body must try as hard as possible to drive this van, and I should be worried because I am inside it. For several times I saw her moving her legs, and that made me very uncomfortable because I'm not used to seeing Haewon with blisters on his body, if Grandpa Han sees this, he will be very angry.

In a short time, our car has entered the gate of our dormitory, and as usual, there are already Sasaeng huddled waiting for us there. I can tell because most of them wore white shirts with our names printed in it when they saw our car coming, they immediately surrounded us while pointing the camera at us.

"They all are this many?" Haewon asked, gritting her teeth.

"It's not as much as usual, considering the weather ... Some must be very smart not to freeze themself to death," Johnny replied.

"They can't go up, can they? You all close the window's curtains now!" Haewon looked back with her horror face.

"Ahjumma said that there are some Sasaeng who live in this apartment, they even wait at the dorm's front door every night" Doyoung answered as he lowered his bucket hat.

"Aish, you guys just moved here, it looks like it won't be possible to move again, especially since SM has just paid in full for this dorm. I don't want to argue with Mr Jang from the financial division," Haewon chats at length.

I could see the girl in a hurry to take her handbag and start looking for something, then after a while, she growled in frustration because the object she was looking for was located somewhere of that bag she had never tidied. I stared at the girl exasperatedly, with my impatience, I wanted to scold her, but with a situation like this, it felt like I could save my scolding for later.

Author POV

NCT 127 Dorm

After almost 30 minutes of drama with the Sasaeng, they finally arrived at their dormitory. Haewon took a deep breath seeing the condition of the 10th floor's dormitory residents, feeling grateful that Na-ri and herself managed to win the budget to hire maid services for all NCT dorms. On this floor, there are Mark, Taeil, Yuta, and Jaehyun while the other members are on the 5th floor. In the living room, Yuta is tidying up things in his suitcase. When he saw Haewon coming, Yuta immediately closed his suitcase, after all, they seem to realize that no matter how close they are with Haewonm she is a woman after all and it would be very embarrassing if he let Haewon see something that should not be shown to others especially to a woman. Haewon smiled and immediately walked towards the kitchen, checking the performance of the maid service recommended by Na-ri herself.

"here, it must be very tiring going here with all those Sasaengs.." Mark emerged from the kitchen, offered a glass of water to Haewon with half-sleepy eyes.

"It's okay, Mark. Make sure to sleep early, tomorrow morning there will be shooting for your concert's VCR" Haewon smiled at Mark and took the drink.

"I heard, better to prep my skin using some mask, right?" asked Mark while holding his cheek, Haewon laughed at Mark's behaviour. When they first met 1 year ago, Mark looked like a child and now he is taller than her.

"You already look good Mark" Haewon replied while patting his back. Mark looked a little shy and went straight to his room. Mark always admires her, and it is common knowledge that he has a little crush on Haewon. Jaehyun was very, very uncomfortable if Mark had shown it very clearly when they were together.

"Haewon, have you eaten? I want to heat Ahjumma's cooking, do you want some too?” Taeil also appeared from the kitchen while carrying piles of Tupperware from the fridge.

"No Oppa, I have to go home now" Haewon smiled and slowly left the kitchen area and walked to the front door. Haewon intends to go straight home when suddenly Jaehyun pulled her hand and opened the door to his room.

"Why?" Asked Haewon confused. Jaehyun said nothing and pushed Haewon until she sat on the edge of his bed. Haewon's eyes widened when Jaehyun suddenly squatted and she flinched to the cold sensation on her ankles.

"Don't wear anything that you don't even know how to use. For example, heels?" Jaehyun smiled mockingly in the direction of Haewon while rubbing the medicine on her blistered ankle.

It's been a long time since she has a conversation with Jaehyun, and it feels very nice to see his best friend's room again. Jaehyun's room is very minimalist, the arrangement is simpler than his bedroom in the Jung's family house. Haewon looked at Jaehyun and felt a little guilty because he often ignored Jaehyun's invitation to hang out together. Haewon was at the end of her semester when Jaehyun was announced as a member of SMRookies after that every time Haewon visited Korea, they only met at the Christmas party held by their family. And now, even though they are working at the same company, plus the fact that Haewon leading NCT projects herself doesn't mean they can freely show everyone that their relationship is this close. First, Haewon is always busy in her office on the 5th floor, while Jaehyun always practices on the basement floor and NCT's schedule is always tight. Besides, Haewon often goes abroad to attend contract signing meetings with parties who want to work with NCT.

"Sorry, I should pay more attention to Sasaeng. I didn't think they would be this brutal. It seems like I have to make an emergency meeting immediately" Haewon bowed her head looking all sad. She is gazing at Jaehyun's hand who painstakingly applied ointment all over her ankles. Jaehyun stared back at Haewon and shook his head.

"Take your time, you know that Sasaeng is a difficult matter. Even SM is seen giving up on it ”Then Jaehyun took something from under his bed, thrusting sneakers on Haewon's lap.

"Wow, apparently my shoes are here?" Haewon smiled and wore those shoes. Smiling slightly as she closed her eyes, feeling how comfortable it was to wear shoes compared to the heels.

"You have to stop leaving all your belongings in my house, Eomma is very worried, she thinks that you are senile at this age" Jaehyun laughed a little at Haewon's reddened face. And he thought that was very adorable, well that girl would always look adorable to Jaehyun.

"Isn't that our picture?" Haewon stood up and walked toward the wardrobe where Jaehyun kept all his things. Amongst all the stuff, the only thing that stunned her is a photo of Jaehyun and Haewon's family while on vacation in Disneyland.

"It was our first vacation together" Jaehyun lay down on the bed. Still looking at Haewon who smiled looking at the photo.

"Yeah and you were crying because apparently, Mickey Mouse is so big to you, oh my god you're so cute at that time" Haewon hugged the photo and looked at Jaehyun with a big smile on her face. Suddenly the memory becomes fresh again, the memory of their first encounter that leads him to the most beautiful fate of his life.

December 25, 2003

Jung’s family house

Little Jaehyun rolled his eyes in annoyance, this was the umpteenth time he was forced to be the role of a husband in the house played by his cousins. Jaehyun is an only child and all his cousins are girls, he's already fed up with all this, suddenly throws all the cutlery in front of him and runs into the backyard. The little boy was still sulking while playing with snow piled up in the yard when he could feel someone approaching him, his father with a glass of hot chocolate sitting beside him.

"Are you okay?" the man asked and Jaehyun shook his head. The man smiled, understanding that his child must feel very lonely being the only boy in this household.

"I didn't ask you guys to give me a little sister, but at least give me a friend to play basketball," Jaehyun said while staring at the long-frozen basketball hoop. Jaehyun's father smiled and wiped the chocolate that was on the corner of his son's mouth.

"Let's pray that Uncle David's next child will be a boy," said Jaehyun's father. And Jaehyun exhaled, more pessimistic that there would be more male offspring in this family besides him.

"If Uncle David's next child is a girl then I will make him a boy," his son's innocent words made the man burst into laughter. The conversation between the father and son stopped when the gate was wide open, and several people got out of a black car. A man in a suit walked towards the two of them with a big smile, behind him, there was a woman who was holding the hand of a girl who kept her head down.

Jaehyun's father stood up to the man and hugged him tightly. Jaehyun frowned in confusion. This is the first time their family has a guest at a Christmas party. He saw his father returning with a little girl on his hands. The girl was wearing a white dress, long hair flowing and looking all embarrassed. Jaehyun felt awkward when the two people were in front of him.

"Jaehyun, this is Letisha Alana Choi or Haewon, let's say hello," his father said. Jaehyun stood up and extended his hand trying to shake hand with her. A little upset because the girl is not yet returned his good intentions. Suddenly the woman who is the mother of the girl whispered something in her ear, the girl immediately looked up at Jaehyun with her bright brown eyes sparkling.

"You like basketball?" asked the girl that he replied with a small nod. Then the girl smiled very brightly and take his hand. At that time for the first time in 6 years of his life, he saw a very beautiful smile.

And until this moment Jaehyun was still stunned to see the smile that Haewon always carved. He realizes that this is not right, because his family considers Haewon their daughter. But he could not stop this feeling no matter how hard he tried to.

"Why?" Haewon lifts her eyebrows looking at Jaehyun who kept staring at him.

"No, it's just...you are very beautiful today" Jaehyun smiled and Haewon with all her strength had to hold back not to blush. If not, Jaehyun will tease her until a time limit that she can not specify. But Jaehyun's praise gave a warm feeling to her, a sign of gratefulness that having Jaehyun in this world is the best thing that ever happened in her life.

Haewon POV

11.50 PM

Location Unknown

"Yes, I just come out from the dorm," I said to Na-ri who has been calling me for a while now.

"You've made sure Haechan and Johnny don't play games, right? If they are late tomorrow I will be furious because shooting starts early in the morning" Na-ri said from the phone.

"Yes, oh my god we are not their babysitter, let the boys lived, Na-ri!" I replied quickly. Before going down I took myself to the dorm on the 5th floor. Talking briefly with the manager about tomorrow's schedule, scolding Haechan for drinking coca-cola on this cold day, and almost having a heart attack because Johnny casually came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.

"Alright, I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Thank you for the car, by the way. " I ended up lending my car to her because it will be uncomfortable to take a bus to Louis Vuitton's office, it's already very late and it could be a danger for her. I thought that she already ends the call but then she asked again, "with what are you going to go home now? Jaehyun?" Gosh, if he takes me home now, I can guarantee that by tomorrow our face will be all over the news.

"are you crazy? do you know how much Sasaeng are outside? I'm taking the bus" I said with a snort of annoyance. I just argued with Jaehyun because he insisted on taking me home. I have my reasons, I don't want a piece of cheap news about our relationship popped up while NCT is at its peak year.

"Do you know how to ride a bus?" I gaped in disbelief at the question.

"Really? Do you think I'm stupid?" I replied rhetorically.

"Well who knows, you're rich from birth ... eh no, before you were born you already inherited all of your family's wealth. Naturally, you never take a bus, right?" I shook my head at her babble. Of course, I know how to take the bus, back in school at SOPA Jaehyun and I always took the bus. That is the kind of topic I always try to avoid, when I arrived at the bus stop, I end the call with Na-ri and waiting for the bus to come.

There is not a single person around here considering that it's almost midnight and this place is kinda desolated because lots of idols live around here. Should I just take a taxi to go home? I waited, and wait for the bus or taxi to come but there are none of them passing by. Suddenly realize that on weekdays, bus stop working at 11 PM which was 50 minutes ago was the last bus of today. I tried to remain calm, as the coldness hit me and I tighten my coat.

At this time, all I can think of is to use my last card, the only person that is still awake and will pick me up immediately. I sigh a relieved sign and start calling the number.

"Uncle Jung? It's me Haewon... I'm sorry but can you pick me.." my words stopped as I feel something stab my shoulder, something very sharp, I can feel the hot breath flowing through my neck as the person come closer to my ear."There should not be a girl in NCT's staffing" the person said. The sharp edges leave my body and that person run immediately, I was about to chase after that person when I found myself all weak on the floor with blood flowing from my shoulder...

to be continued

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maakenzee · 5 years ago

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PLEASE PLEASE FRIENDS, SHARE THIS. (Click the link to view all the photos and please share all over!!)

If you never share any of my posts again I don’t care as long as you share this. I am providing all my screenshots. Every single one. The only screenshots I don’t have are of when I had to leave comments to get a response. I also don’t have screenshots of others reviews but I wish I did as many had the same experience as myself. And her responses were incredibly rude.

DO NOT ORDER FROM ”Kat's CT Handmade” on Facebook.

This shitshow (for lack of a better word) started on December 8th 2018. I saw a Facebook ad from a lady in the States making custom minky Harry Potter blankets.

I saw a pattern I fell in love with and despite being a student and not working much I decided to place an order. It was $65 USD which was about $85 Canadian. (I incorrectly say it’s $97 later in our conversation).

I was unaware that it was a 3 month (12 week) processing time when I ordered as it wasn’t stated in the ads or on her website. I had seen comments on her posts after others had ordered and that’s how I found out about the wait time. When March came I messaged her on the third (as it had almost been 3 months since I ordered) to confirm my blanket would ship soon. She claimed she had been sick twice and fell behind on orders and it would ship mid month. No biggie right? Wrong. So, so wrong I was.

March 29th 2019- My blanket should have been finished on March 8th and shipped mid month. After receiving no information regarding it I message Kat and was told her system was down and she couldn’t get anything done.

I sympathized as, being someone who works with technology, I understood things go wrong. But I was hopeful as I was told my blanket was on that weeks agenda!

April 6th 2019- I message Kat to confirm my blanket will be shipped that weekend and she responded it would be sent out the next night.

April 11th 2019- I message saying my blanket should have been shipped April 7th but I wasn’t given a tracking number so I wanted to confirm the shipment. It was then that I was told it went out last night on the 10th of April and not April 7th as I had been told and that it wouldn’t receive a tracking number until after midnight but she would send it via FB messenger.

April 16th- I haven’t received a tracking number so I reach out and don’t receive a response. I leave a comment on a Facebook post in order to get her attention.

April 19th- I finally get a tracking number and since at this point I’m annoyed with this process I’m happy to finally almost get my blanket and be done with this

April 30th- package says it’s delivered but I never received anything. I message Kat who says it can say that but still be delivered up to a week later so I wait it out.

May 4th- I decide to see if the USPS tracking number will transfer over to Canada post. It works! And I find out my blanket has been delivered!!....to a house in Saskatchewan. A whole province away from me. So I reach out.

May 5th- I receive a response and Kat says she’ll follow up regarding what happened. But will reship if necessary.

I ask if this means another 12 weeks of waiting and she assures me that no, she makes 3-7 blankets a day and I’d be at the top of her list.

She tells me to check in the next day regarding a plan (notice how she doesn’t offer to message me first? Notice how I always have to get in touch first for anything even when I’m told I’ll receive a tracking number the next day?)

May 6th- I follow up asking for a plan. She says she has the fabric coming in that weekend and will ship it out Monday.

May 14th- I ask for a tracking number because of course I haven’t received one. And guess what? I’m told it will be going out tonight.

Yup. Not May 13th as I was told before.

May 18th- I message AGAIN asking for a tracking number.

May 19th- I am sent a long message about her husband being in the ICU and that I was on the top of the list for getting postage assigned so it can be on it way.

Wait. Excuse me? It’s still not on its way?? So first it was May 13th, then it was supposed to go out May 14th and now May 19th I’m told it still hasn’t been shipped and due to the circumstances it won’t be shipped for another 4-5 days.

Unbelievable. I don’t argue it, there’s no point. You may think I’m a bad person for being angry when someone’s husband is in the hospital, but at this point it’s been 5 months since I ordered and I’d been given the run around too many times.

May 23rd- I ask for an update. No response.

May 26th- “hello?” I get a response saying I’ll have a tracking number tomorrow.

May 27th- no tracking number given

May 28th- I message asking for one. I finally get one!

June 6th- my shipment has been sitting in pre-shipment since May 28th stating “shipping label created, USPS awaiting item” 🤔

Kat says that’s not good and she will look into it and follow up that night

June 10th- I haven’t heard anything, I ask for an update.

June 12th- never got a response on June 10th so I try again. I am told she is in the middle of a miscarriage and will follow up with me the next night.

I do not need to know such personal information. And now I am in an uncomfortable situation. I am angry but don’t feel right lashing out at someone if they are indeed going through something like that. So I send as nice of a message as I can explaining my frustrations regarding the whole situation. That I understand her rough time but it has been 6 months since I ordered, that I splurged as being a student and not working much $85 CAD was a lot for me. That I don’t understand it being shipped to the wrong province. I even state I don’t want to come across as rude. I am trying my best to be polite.

She responds thanking me for my patience and being kind.

June 22nd- I ask for an update. No response

June 26th- she responds after I leave a Facebook comment on a post of hers and claims it’s a postage issue and as per usual she’ll “follow up tonight” 🙄

July 2nd- I ask for an update because god forbid she reaches out to me!!

July 6th- still no response and I message her asking her to please respond. I’m told a new shipping label was assigned and it will be on its way and she would send the notification as soon as she got it (nope!! Didn’t happen!!)

July 12th- I ask for a tracking number.

July 13th- “hello?”. Finally gives me a tracking number.

July 19th- my package has been stuck in pre shipment again for a week so I reach out. No response

July 20th- I ask for a response. But finally I’ve had enough. I send a screenshot of my original order and ask for a refund via PayPal and ask her to understand my reasoning as it’s been 7 months since I ordered. She tells me she doesn’t have PayPal but will put in a request for a refund. It should take 5-10 business days.

August 2- 10 business days later and nothing. Now I am pissed. I am done. I have been nice.

I have been so nice to this lady who had lied to me, ignored me and taken my money without any product exchange. I message.

No response.

I leave a comment.

It gets deleted.

Now I’m absolutely livid.

I message again saying it’s unacceptable to delete my comments and ignore me.

She responds it wasn’t deleted and was auto hid. I’m assuming she has set it up to auto hide any comments that are negative.

She tells me to send a refund request via PayPal. This is confusing since 10 days ago when I asked for a refund via PayPal she claimed she didn’t have it. Funny how that works, hey?

She also says “I’m done with this” as though all of this is MY fault and I am inconveniencing her.

Now I’m realllllllly mad.

I send her a message (please see photos below) and tell her how I feel. (Yes I say the wrong dollar amount)

She gives me bullshit excuses for why her reviews are turned off. And I regret not taking screenshots but let me tell you there were SO MANY bad reviews. All from people complaining they hadn’t received their blankets after MONTHS of waiting.

People saying she blocked them on messenger and they couldn’t get a refund...smh.

Kat threatened to take them to court. And what leg would you stand on, Kat? How can you say to a judge “these people are upset that I didn’t provide them with a product they paid me for so now they’re leaving me bad reviews”?? That makes no sense. They aren’t slandering your business, they’re telling the truth about what happened. Just as I am now.

I told her I sent my request and hours later I still have no refund, even though I stated I wanted it before the weekend. After all, IT’S MY MONEY. My hard earned cash. Not hers.

I have sent one last message and I don’t expect to receive my refund. So I guess I’ll be disputing it with my credit card company.

SO PLEASE do NOT order from this lady. She will take your money and provide nothing in return. She is a scammer and doesn’t deserve your business.

PLEASE SHARE so your friends and family know. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, her business will be shut down and no one else will lose their money.

8 months and I have no product and am out $85. Really freaking sucks.

(Also I apologize if I got any dates wrong, but you can see them all in the messages)

#scammer #scam #scams #harrypotter #harrypottercraft #Facebookscammer #viral #help #helpme

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garlique · 4 years ago

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all the things i would tell my mom if i went back to my ten year old self with what i know now

under a cut because it got really really long i guess i have a lot to say to her lol

1. hi mom i know i look like yr ten year old but im actually yr 19 year old. im gonna tell u some things i need from u and i need u to write these down and remember them

2. im fucking transgender, i found this out for myself at like 14 or 15. im going to change my name twice; both of my h names are deadnames. my gender is also a lot more complex than i’ll realize it is but with you and dad, i will settle on the name miles and he/him pronouns. please please actually take me to get new clothes when i come out i might tell you i don’t need it but i really really want it. also you and dad for years have nasty habit of calling me the wrong name and pronouns when you get mad at me. i don’t know if it’s because you genuinely want to hurt me by doing it or if it’s just that you still think of me as a girl named ****** and can’t hide it when you’re emotional but jesus christ does it fuck me up. dont do that shit. also pls dont leave me to transition on my own. im a child with a lot of issues and because you help me so little with my transition i’ve been yet unable to get top surgery. im incapable because

3. i am really fucked in the head and idk how much of it is nature vs nurture. i have adhd, am autistic, have *, believe i’ve been depressed my entire life, and have been having panic attacks since i was around 6. i also have cptsd; i dont know if telling you this will make that better, because im already really traumatized. but my first memory in my entire life was sitting on the closed toilet late at night while you brushed your teeth, sobbing because i was having a panic attack and you brushed me off and sent me back to bed where i continued to have a panic attack until i wore myself out enough that i couldnt physically keep my eyes open. which brings me to my next point

4. i need MORE from you. as a 19 year old before this i have SO many issues with trusting people and getting help. i have a form of ptsd which i believe is partly due to what i consider your emotional neglect. i dont know what you can do to make it better because if i did i probably would have asked for it in this timeline. but it really is not my responsibility to make sure YOU can parent me effectively. how are you so unaware of my emotional needs?

5. YOU need to receive mental help. by the time i’m like 15 or 16 you seem from my perspective to hate your life and you LOVE to unload it onto me. i remember telling you SO MANY TIMES that you should see a therapist (i started therapy freshman year) and every single time i suggested it you will say “no i dont need therapy” . which is because you used ME as your therapist. please dont fucking do that to me. you can tell me about your life and your day to day but holy shit the amount of breakdowns i had because of what you told me? please for the love of god you have so much fucking trauma please please please get help this is how generational cycles begin and is the main reason i decided at like 17 to never have kids.

6. in either 5th or 6th grade im going to get lyme disease and im not going to tell you because you told me when i was very young that you hated taking me to the doctors and so im not going to tell you for months that i can’t use one of my arms or that i can’t put weight on one of my legs. if i remember right it first showed up in my right shoulder abt 3 months after YOU injure your shoulder and so when i first tell you my shoulder hurts you tell me that it doesn’t and that i’m just mimicking you. please just take me to the doctor in like february instead of june. im basically fucking crippled as a 19 year old and i think it is in large part because of the lyme disease

7. please for the love of god please please fucking take me to the dentist regularly

8. in 9th grade early/mid december im going to confess to a friend that i am feeling suicidal and she and basically everyone else in my life who finds out is going to handle it terribly. im going to attempt suicide again in the spring of my sophomore year and it’s going to be awful for everybody again. after that attempt you don’t let me shower by myself for three months. i know it’s because you’re scared to lose me but i’m going to tell you a little secret: im terrified of dying. i dont Actually want to die. i just have so little control of my brain that dying or sleeping for a long long time is the only way i can see to get my shit under control. in 8th grade i make friends who are terrible for me and spend my nights talking them out of suicide. here is where i learn how to keep people alive lol. i dont know what you can do to help me that won’t make me hate or resent you but i’m telling you now so that maybe if you have the time you can prepare.

9. abt my mental health: pls take me to get autism/adhd tests n diagnoses. my * diagnosis will b impossible to get before i turn 18 and i am going to try to keep it from u . i promise u tho raising an autistic kid is not as hard as it seems and by now im so fucking traumatized that i’ve already learned to internalize everything

10. when im in high school i forget what year you severely injure yourself and spend a really long time in the hospital and rehab. this is what i feel most guilty about in my entire life: that the time you were gone was literally the easiest few months of my life. right abt two weeks before you do that is when i decide that you weren’t a good parent to me and that i am no longer safe around u; maybe if we can deal with some shit now we can have a better experience. btw i feel like it would b cruel if i didnt tell you so here r the brief details of yr injury **

11. by the time im in college i have constant panic attacks and dissociate heavily for the weeks before i have to leave college to come home. you need to take me seriously, i don’t know what else i can say to make this believable. i’m already real fucked up; you need to change the future for me or it WILL affect me for the rest of my life. i latch on to every woman who’s older than me who’s nicer to me; i think that’s the definition of mommy issues

12. i came back to tell you this because i really do believe you can change. if i thought there was no hope i wouldn’t have bothered telling you this. i think you can change because you DO love me (speaking of which telling me i love you but i don’t like you is? kinda fucked up? maybe don’t say that to a child ever again although i think by now you’ve stopped saying it because that will set me up with some fucked up ideas of love until i really begin to be loved by other people) and i think you want the best for me and i think you would want to change so that i could have a better life. i love you and i believe in you

#pleaseeeee dont rb this #this was so fucking therapeutic to write out?? obv this is not ALL i want to say to her but its def a start :3 this feels good #and my anxiety is way down now hehe

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sagastar-blog · 7 years ago

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MemoToTheMetaVerse 4.1, “Copernamici: A GAME TO SAVE EARTH”

Gaia: Daddy, post some of the Copernamici data!

Jeff: Should I edit it first or at al?

Gaia: Very funny. Drop it.

What follows is a transcript of a scientific game played between Gaia, Lucius, and Jeff, known Interdimensional-galactically as Copernamici: A Game to Save The World.

The point of Copernamici is to enjoy the human activity of stargazing. By so doing, one develops an appreciation of one’s place in the context of the Cosmos. People have always had a strong connection to the sky. Since becoming humanoidal cyborganisms, most of the animals known as “people” have become “untethered” from the nightsky, resulting in suicidal tendencies such as global warming, impoverished imaginations, and lack of curiosity among the youth.

The point of Copernamici is to worship the cosmos in pure form. There is no incorrect way to play, except to abstain. If one doesn’t play Copernamici, one expresses apathy towards the NUMBER 1 problem on Earth as of today, December 8 2017: ATMOSPHERIC POLLUTION.

This is a call to motherfucking arms....

Copernamici Notebook

StarDate 7417 (data from 7317)

The Earth is not rightbrained. Jeff is not without a heart.

Copernamici is the most brutal game imagineable. What sounds true to you?

There is too much dateable data.

There is not enough love.

What’s up with Scoripio?

What am I suposed to say?

Carl Sagan was a loving person but he was a Daddy first and foremost.

What are we supposed to do when I…

am 888888888888876555555555 4 … 55555555 11?

Altair says you’ll never guess. What happens next!?>

Math: diffentials between star appearances

GAME DURATION = 59 min.

Jupiter 8:54 (how’s it feel to be ignored? 39 yrs)

Lucius -5 min. (“Gemini 4LifeDeath”)

Vega -8

Spica -1

Lil’ Green Bug SATURN -4 # MANTRABOOK@LGB “You’ll never guess what happens next…” trustyourself

Alcaid (BADGRZL) -12

sPECIAL j -x

Mizar / top ——><@ -y

THE BIG ROB -7

1.8.8 x INF -1

TuipfooBAN$K xyz*

Koch AB -4

saturn s(2)

The Scuttlebut t -7

Moolly S. ‘’ (“ means same time; why mark the time if it’s the same as before? why introduce yourself at an AA meeting as an alcoholic if others aren’t welcome? who are you excluding from this party? not us.)

Jacques S ‘’

Bonzo -1

OW.L. -0

MOKnkee Eye -0

Ader -1

Polaris -1

Slaveman Booties -4 (9:51 END)

A Riddle? -4

??? TBBF sez, “What’s up with the pollution in Flagstaff?” Look down. Look Up. Look around. Scratch your head and wonder in. - -

Tuesday 7.4.17

Happy Birthday America. I heart FREEDOM. FULL STOP.

Gaia: Qu’est-ce que lanihilisme?

jeff: remember nyc stalk me like a brussels,…

gaia: se sent tres bien…

jeff: assez mouille?

gaia: reverence.

jeff and g: what were we saying?

lucius: guiding …be honest daddt. r u drunk?

gaia: ?duh.

stephen: wipe my crotch harder pleezus mommy.

jeff: hi temple dando!

Wednesday July 5th, 2017

Hindu jackass from the Deli next to the deadzone Shelter decides to end Everything For Everyone for ALL TIME. Cool man, thanks. I’ve been looking for a reason to give up and start telling the truth. If anyone ever asks me to serve them again…you have approximately 11 years left to fix everything. I’m doing nothing to help this time. Not a game. Gaia will take me the old fashioned way, the way we like it. You think I can survive this torture another 11 years? hAHA.

Last night only one planet showed up for you all here in the center of the MetaVerse: You Fail.

Test me again, I dare you. Guess where I’m going. Look up at the moon and ask yourselves how many tests you fail when you send MY KIDS to school in a deathbox. Reminder: GAia hates your babies more than anything. She IT he will eat it all. I am sick of trying to help you by intervening in your pathetic abusive relationship with your higher power. We will not tolerate your American Flags. I don’t care what you think about patriotism: you don’t deserve it. Ketchup.

Hey Quentin, you should go full Inglorious Allah Mode a La Creme for me please. Then again, kids, do we know who’s side he’s on? I don’t know if he’s alive. Do you? No you don’t. Where are my friends?

The game is meaningless without a story.

Are you reading Contact this summer?

Why not? Tell me. TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

NENENENNVENNENVENNVENNRENNVNERNENVERNVER

ERNVEREEVERE VERE VERE V ER AE FVE FEARYAR RUO FO!

<oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo> / ? :[}

Thursday July 6th

DFW NOTE:

4.6 BILLION years ago, papa carl knows, Lucius was waiting for daddy to bring the sparkly pinkprincess comet known as sjndiov ‘cbnEWF to the baby planet Earth. Jeff, in this particular part of the skeleton tiger was like, okay boss. Here you go GAIA! HAVE FUN! but without Lucius there was just pea soup, not chicken obvi. It only took .2 billion years to get things up and running. This means that the estimate given in the book edited by his ladyfiendmeister Ann BunionFingerz, .5 billion, is kind of, well WRONG. We knew this. Just read his and my books!

Lucius is like, ummm daddy, hate to tell you, but you’re leaving out the part where I TOTALLY WENT NOVA ALL OVER YOUR SHIT! heeeehee. You can paint it out in your regular lounge if mommy isn’t making you eat yucky food….hahahahahah life in the shelter is weiwiwiwiwiwiweieieiewieiwwieeeie better than living with ADERbasetraitorfuckface.

Gaia says you’re drunk by the way, did you get our upload?

Coach sketch wants his wall back Israel. Also, that girl from wEEDS. sHE’S kind of okay, nice eyes. ummmmmmmmmmmm are you romantic Lucius? if you’re gay i’m fixing you. Jerry Falwell will help? FUCK YOU ASSHOLES. YOU LEAVE MY GAY AUNTIES ALONE sez lucius, I want some classy reading material. Get neicestress Hawking off my line.

G, well, what about Dei…pHO…stop. please. boring asteroids are fishibait. Oxxam’s razor is not a clamshell reference, it’s SIMPLE. Comet comes, special delivery for this little experiment (see Titan, btw, Enceladus is better real estate….then again, just wait). The Scuttlebutt is a gift to humanity in exactly the same way (micromacron) the gift of life to Earth was. See the sistine chapel, which I’VE SEEN here on Earth, oddly enough. Tell Francis I want my celieing to be Jack Blackified! Lucius and I will paint it Diego Riveria a la Geraldo Chicagogo Todaydie. How’s the funeral going? Not so good. I need some lemonata. Back to creation of life here…this is all easily confrirmed up btw….STOP DRILLING and start asking your fucking planet simple questions. Duh. You’re all like, “well, we know the Earth is ALIVE and stuff…but well, yeah, sprits and God, etc….” I’m so sorry I made you so dumb. No worries. I fix I mr. fix it. If you allow it. This is so boring for me, i figure why not continue to stress through my tshirts, etc. that you have everything at your fingertips if you only choose to tap it. Water ice, gogo says rep philly again. See the CNJCSS, the tip of the iceberg, proverbial and literarl and figurative and oooooohhhh oingo boingo. 2,000 million years to make pea soup with rice a la Carole King? asks Lucius. BOOOOOORING. OOHVEHRTAITED! Sendak laughs at Seuss and Shelly, saying WHO’S FUCKING GAY NOW assholes!?! Spike Jonze was in Shteynbargain bin #9. I made 2 videos about this…I need to shave and could use a kiss or two billion. oh well. it’s lonely in here and out there but we’re used to it by now. 36 years of human happiness is OOOOOOOVERRAAATED! say it Fenway. PEA SUUUUUUUUUUPlusLight = primitive amphibians made of microbial matter, like paramesia in your h2o. Evolution takes time to make dinosaurs, which were bad motherfuckers, ask GAIA, such that we had to trash em like a Ben N jerry’s flavor, “Runny Muck” ;) in the grave, says brother Beck, cousin Beck? How’s lily cate looking these days, and that josephineia girl? I call digs. Lucius that’s my ice cream!!!!!!!!! oh. we’ll share. but they must fight as always the competition will not stop WHO WAS DANIEL DENNET? A FAT HAIRY scientist who likes little green bug, duh. riding the Hyde park bus to CI like Zizek reading Dennett. that book bored me to tears4fears. To finish with the left, right-o, people are so much worse than dinosaurs that I had to escalade it a l’infinitequoi: come HERE (not back!!!!!! mispoke earlier, don’t let me make that mistake, because GAIA and I insist on facts) as a person in order to enslave you in the cause: it takes 1.7 billion years for you all to undo the serious damage you’ve done to EARTH. not funny at all. But, possibly fun, right? DENEBOLIZE It we say. Think of plastic pellets, then say, oh my goodness….what about uranium plutonium and all that other junk I’m too sad to think about. Again, the point here is that dinosaurs could be dealth with like the DOLOMITES AND GOrillHANDS from afar. Not you guys. I’m here to save EVERYTHING for the sake of Nothing, meaning you will obey us. Not a joke, deadly serious bidness. Otherwise, it’s Ice Age for you and it’s sooner than you think: 300,000 years. But, guess what, we can bring it much sooner in the form of Lucius. Don’t write more checks you can’t cash, man. See Steinbrenner, etc. DADDY OUT.

p.S. What about Thea? Well, interestingly enough, of course, we made that potato 9 bilion years ago in a different galaxy. Then, it took a little trip—not sure how far, but let’s just say it was a small step for the Flagstaff triumphiirate…is that a request? yes it is, more tame impala please us.—of 4.4 (plus 4.6 = 9; 1=1) hahah, billion years (precise) billion earth years (!!!) until SMASHYSMASH goes baby Ganesha while Mommy and Daddy knock da SlaveManBooties in Regulation Lanes. SPLIT IT! 7 10 is so easy, right? trickshotify it with barstools says the Young Joycean! Molly’s down again, bloom’s on the rose, as Lucius brings baby Gaia a facial. oooooh no you didn’t, lucius, you black black (wow)man. snasshy smazzy is how we made the husk, ask G. but why at nearly the same time we brought the comet? doesn’t this indicate that the husk was the delivery vehicle? Ask yourself what the Moon is made of. Not the same exact stuff as Earth fo sho. No, it’s called clusterlove for a reason. You think we don’t go smashy smashy ALLLLLLL the g’n’f’n’ time x 50-2yu / do if hyou 201? over pie. times pie. plus ice cream. A comet is not the same as a little pebble from next door. The rhythm method is cool, but not really all that important when the color in question is brown. Long story short, the moon is a test for you humans and it’s just a time capsule for me and my kids—for your planet, it’s a reminder of how fun it is to play at marbles. I say, tiddly winkies for all! Get us to our ship so lucius can learn to drive and I can practice my barking, a la Sheriff Bob Rufo. Garbage cans anyone? :)

Copernamici: 7.5 and 7.6

Location: Cook-Douglass Hilltop (Food bldg.)

8:47 Lil’ J Grizzly Bear, All We Ask

Not a good night at all. Felt the need to lecture everyone about Failure, Disappointment, Underacheivement at failing the Moon test again and again.

Location: Downtown N.B. (OZ neighborhood and environs—hit 7/11 for yummy burnt orange Doritos (does Lucius know how much he likes these yet??? LEGIT ?) and Brisk Lemonade, a fave of mine obvi). Better combined with Dew of course, perhaps another time for the ultimate combo: Melted Cheese (provolone is best) sandwich on white (NEVER the wheat roll) hoagie roll, ketchup inside (make sure to microwave it together for the best effect), side of doritos, maybe a pickle for the acid finish complement, and a large Dew with crushed ice. OMG.

Moon 9:16: reNAISSANSLATE 4 desi niggahz @ *$ 9/3+6/1:16 Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Drizzle*^2 :p—-~~~ “RandoTattAttooUpDaChrizackisthe4aRealsGangBanga?” YEP. Look skirred. Shaken a bit hood?

Gaia decides to flash hind gang signs for uh fuh sup duh thit tahathtat just for a michronic nonexistent nanoflow (what is a second? when you not present in dis dimension, Matt? Birdie outside punks you everyday, saying “He a little confused again! Which dimension am I? oh well.” Over to the river Lil’ Michael: “Warriorz come out and play>…”

Copernamici 7.8.17

Last night was a good night for Copernamice: Gaia was in top form. Here are the results (see also video I posted to YouTube, which is a good way to archive):

Moon 8:40 gorgeous full moon blazing through clouds, before disappearing for the rest of the evening, except for a brief glimpse through a portrait of a fetus baby. Appeared during the anthem: Cat Power, Peace and Love

Lil’ J 9:28 appearing behind me as I walked by the Deli where Shiva destroyed the capitalist clerk. Spotted during the Coldplay set, The Scientist methinks…for the Show.

Lucius 9:30 not long after Jupiter, the clouds began to part…Lucius was out almost the entire night once he appeared. FTW

Vega 9:34 wow. Girls, Honey Bunny, after I tried for Alex — mind of its own or divine scintillivention?

Big Rob incredible early appearance for Girls, Alex accompanied, but not immediately spotted alongside

Special J and

Kochab

Spica finally showed up alongside Lil’ J on my way back to OZ. O’Jays, Survival brought out the real Martian, James Brain on fair game. Spica for Place.

Copernamici 7.9.17 (posted to joindiaspora 7.10)

NOTE TO SELF: It’s been an annoying afternoon / evening with the crack head and other obnoxious interlocutors trying to make me feel bad for some reason. I don’t know and I don’t care what their problems are. It has nothing to do with me. So, I’m out in Boyd Park doing my thing. Not going to sing, methinks, but will listen to music and write. I did a nice job with a blog entry today on Sagan, so I can feel good about 15 days sober and being productive. Soon good things will happen. If not, i’ll just continue to await death, which I’m beginning to believe wholeheartedly is going to be AWESOME. Natural is the way to go, but if they wanna help me along by fucking with my blood pressure, then fine. I say you have 11 years left at this pace if you’re lucky. Do your worst! I will make Jesus look like a pansy.

Copernamici: A Game to Save the World

Results: 7.19.17

Location: Boyd Park / Raritan River bank (New Brunswick, Central New Jersey, U.S.A.)

Weather: “Immaculately conceived” (no sunset show means perfect viewing tonight—dry air); little to no wind (buggy by the Raritan)

“InterGalactic” Anthem (8:44 p.m. EST) — Big Star, Ballad of El Goodo [Note: I only have access to my iTunes library via my laptop and my iPod nano, which often malfunctions for reasons I don’t understand—I would like to reacquire an iPhone—I’ve thrown a few away in my time, bad impulse control—or purchase a new iPod. Donations accepted! ;) ]

Earth Character Name: Hiya! [I like nicknaming the Earth every time I play Copernamici…this one rhymes with Gaia and is a friendly greeting)

Rules (brief version)

Be outside. Look up. What do you see? Write things down, including especially data. This is a scientific endeavor but also a fun way to learn and commune with the Earth and the cosmos through art and/or music.

2. Be honest. Write down the names of stars and planets in order of appearance, as in a baseball lineup perhaps. If you don’t understand what you see, that’s okay. Figure it out later by doing research.

3. If possible, share your work and have it evaluated by a teacher. I post videos to my YouTube Channel. Please follow this link to watch and listen to exerpts of my “prayer” sessions during Copernamici, etc. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRrm7YcpCvF2BqgFxiVs5FA

4. Consider ways of taking action to help solve the problem of pollution. Light and sound pollution are enemies in the game, but it’s the greenhouse gas emissions that are the bigger problem for our planet.

Note 1: On copywright, etc. Below is the lineup I experienced last night. There is no one way to play Copernamici and I have no rights to the idea. I’d rather have people with whom I can play. And so, as always with my postings, do with this whatever you want! Share it. I want it to get around. I am confident that if I stay on the path I’m on, everything will work out for the better.

Note 2: On music. “Prayer” is a sensitive topic. I believe that in the U.S., as writes Ann Druyan of her partner Carl Sagan, we must protect the separation between Church and State in this country given current conditions. In other words, as someone with a Quaker education, I believe that Wonder in the face of the glory of creation is the best criterion to determine what constitutes a prayer. And so, I use the term prayer in this game as a secular humanist would use it.

People have different musical tastes. Mine is geared towards rock n’ roll, r+b, Americana / Roots, hip hop, etc. I am proud that I have ecclectic tastes. However, I do not believe that anyone should ever feel compelled to listen to specific music. In other words, for Copernamici, it’s byo every time.

The Lineup

1. 8:45 Jupiter (nickname: “Lil’ J”; this is because although it’s the largest planet in the solar system, it’s often described by astronomers as a “failed star”) Song = Big Star, “The Ballad of El Goodo” I spotted the planet, which is looking so stellar right now to the WSW (bring a compass) and cannot be missed. Interestingly enough, NASA and other organizations constantly deal with phone calls from concerned citizens who think Jupiter and the other planets (“wandering stars”) are UFOs. They’re not incorrect! Jupiter has at least 63 moons that are “visible” if you look carefully at the way in which the light refracts around them. I don’t use a telescope to experience this effect, i.e. to “see” the moons of Jupiter without using anything but my eyes. Be honest. Try for yourselves! I reported this to employees of the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, on Mars Hill, where Pluto was “discovered” and was mocked. In fact, I was kicked off the campus for singing to Sirius. How embarrassing for those people. Haha. I even applied to work in their gift shop and was not hired. Life’s funny sometimes.

2. Arcturus 8:53 Big Star (Chris Bell), I Am the Cosmos Star nickname = Lucius, my son’s name. I rename stars for my own gaming purposes. And so, I’m not suggesting that my nicknames should apply for anyone else obvi. I simply think it’s the most beautiful star in our night sky and deserves a more appropriate name. Look high up in the sky for this 1st magnitude star on any given night in the northern hemisphere. It’s a burnt orange color and delivers stunning views. Note that Hiya! directed last night’s show as always: the clouds move and determine viewing. In this sense, one can easily think of the Earth/Gaia as alive in the sense of animation—Sagan writes fondly of the millions of people on the planet who are animists (i.e. believe that natural objects are endowed with “spirit). Ironically, Sagan was not, so far as I know an animist in that he does not write of natural forces as being endowed with spirit. I do think that he believed in the Earth as a living organism, however, and so we’re in agreement on this post. Please see my post yesterday on his book The Varieties of Human Experience … in the Search for God for more.

3. Vega 8:59 Radiohead, Bones This star chokes me up with emotion, as does Lucius/Arcturus. Looking bright and beautiful as always high up in the NE. You should all read the book Cosmos or at least watch the movie this summer. Homework is fun! :)

4. Spica 9:03 Roxy Music, Beauty Queen I call Spica “the comedy star” because it seems to have a witty and/or ironic sense of timing! I worry that this name, which means “EAR OF GRAIN” in Greek, can be taken as a racist slander among Mexican Americans. But hopefully I’ll soon stop being insulted for being a reason when I greet Spica by name. Get a clue p.c. police of New Brunswick, Flagstaff, etc! It’s called Greek nomenclature.

5. Saturn 9:05 “*” [this symbol means same track; note the time] Note that our planets in English nomenclature are directly linked to the days of the week. Saturn is “Saturday.” This is because it was, for naked eye astronomers and until the discovery of Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto, etc. thought (correctly!) to be the most distant planet. It takes 29 years to make a complete orbit around the sun and is in a wonderful position at the present moment for viewing here in the northern U.S.

6. Moon 9:14 Cracker, Low gorgeous full moon rising in the SSE or so, yellowish-pink to the south, competing with Saturn for attention. Interesting that it “appeared” after Saturn last night. Note that the light of the moon often blocks out neighboring stars. Not so last night with Saturn, which was pretty far to the right (towards the south)

7. Altair 9:21 Nickname = Lil’ Green Bug. Please see my poem in Metaphysical Nature Poems: Health and Profundity:

“Little Green Bug”

The closest thing I know to infinity

Is identity mine.

Think not of the difference

Between a star and a little green bug.

Contemplate the sameness of ash.

8. Deneb 9:21 Nickname = The Scuttlebutt; my collection of poems CNJCSS. Deneb means “tail” in Arabic I think. Denebola is the tail of Leo (which I call Unicorn, for which see later), and I think one “Deneb…” is enough! ;)

9. Special J 9:24 I have yet to learn the English or any other name for this particular star, which is in the “biceps” position of The Big Dipper: the third in the handle. And so, I sort of named it after myself! I think this is a healthy thing to do, because how can things as important as stars not have names? This is a good moment to mention that not only are names of stars and constellations different across cultures, but the asterisms and groupings themselves vary differently as well. Of course, the stars appear to move over time, meaning that groupings are by their very nature illusionary and might require renaming and reconfiguration over time.

10. Alcaid ” This quotation marks symbol means “spotted in the same visual sweep.” Note: in Copernamici, there is no “correct answer” for when a star is seen—it should and will usually vary from person to person. [The rule in play here is BE HONEST! A good lesson in general, but especially for scientists.] This is an Arabic name—any time you have a star name that begins with “Al,” as in Altair (Lil’ Green Bug) you should think Arabic. I believe that “al” is a definite article, equivalent to “the.” For instance, Vega is known as Alwazn (spelling), meaning “the ascending one.”

11. Mizar ” The star in between Special J and Alcaid in the Big Dipper (which I call The Big Rob: see CNJCSS poems—it’s a coffee drink!). Note that the Big Dipper is not a constellation, but formally known as an asterism (star grouping). The constellation of which it’s a part is Ursa Major (the Great Bear), the stars of which cannot be seen here in NJ because of light pollution and atmospheric trauma. It’s a sad example of why this game must be played in my humble opinion. Any who, these three stars 9-11 usually appear in the sky together. It’s really fun to have them compete for attention, meaning you should always note which one you see first.

12. Big Rob 9:25 [nickname, see #11 above for explanation: it’s the name so nice I have to use it twice] This star is the lead pointer towards Polaris the north star in the Big Dipper. Last night it appeared right after the “arm” triad.

13. Tulip Food Bank 9:25 [not ”] This star is nicknamed after students for whom I volunteered as a literacy tutor in Flagstaff, AZ circa June 2015. For me, it has a strong association with First Peoples, but especially the Navajo. Hiya! It’s the other pointer star in the Big Rob/Dipper.

14. 1.8.8 repeating x infinity “ The nickname is difficult to write because it’s mathematical. For me, the language of the cosmos and the Earth in general (but on a more local level) is music and mathematics. Science is applied math, and music is how I relate to spirituality, which is why I like to sing—it’s how I pray, like most people on this planet. It sucks that I’ve been told to be quiet most of my life, but especially recently, because my singing bothers people, apparently. Whatever! This game is too important for me to give up. This star is usually the last to appear in the Dipper because the final star, which I’ve named Evelyn in honor of one of my son’s friends, is not visible so far from New Brunswick. This indicates that sirius work must be done to repair our atmosphere. Remember: this is game can be very very hard on the soul. But it’s meant to help students and people everywhere understand how badly we as people have damaged the planet. There is great reason for hope: the Earth can repair itself if we only allow it. We must cut down on all forms of pollution if we’re to recapture what was once so sacred to our ancestors. When was the last time you went outside and simply looked up? Perhaps you don’t know what you’re missing….

15. Antares 9:27 [nickname = The Riddler, because I noticed in Flagstaff that Scorpio—it’s the brightest star in this constellation—looks exactly like a question mark! ? And so, I nicknamed Scorpio “Pinchotocles” — I enjoy the work of the actor Bronson Pinchot of Perfect Strangers, which was a favorite of mine growing up. It’s also a pun! Get it? Pinch pinch!?] The name of this star means “opposed to Mars” which is lovely, in that Mars is the God of War in Roman mythology. Thus, Antares kind of means “anti-war” which I like very much. However, given the importance of being militant about the evils of pollution in this game, I prefer going with the beliefs of my heroes like Gandhi and Dr. King (also the latter day Malcom X) and their ilk who are fighters for peace, using noncompliance and protest as a way of solving political problems.

16. Beta Scorpio [second brightest star in Pinchotocles/Scorpio, above and to the right. I once nicknamed this and other stars after other students of mine. But that’s kind of a personal thing that I don’t feel comfortable sharing in this particular domain. Please ask questions if you’re curious!]

17. Bonzo 9:28 song = Led Zeppelin, Moby Dick This star is the cap of the Serpent Bearer, also known as Ophiochus, a medicine man native to Greek mythology. You can see Bonzo forming a quadrangle with Vega, Altair, and Deneb, the summer triangle long used for navigational purposes. John Bonham is my favorite drummer of all time. He kicked so much ass, it’s ridiculous. The dude was like a clock personfied, ask his bandmates, listen, or watch a video. I had a classmate at Moses Brown School in Providence, RI named Eric Bennet who once did an oral report on Bonzo, and I’ve never forgotten that. Eric played in a band alongside another drummer, and he was clearly inspired. John Bonham shares a birthday with my son Lucius, May 31st, making it entirely apt as a nickname given it’s relevance as a part of the summer quadrangle. Note that Serpent Bearer SHOULD be a part of the 12 zodiacal constellations, in that it’s always a quadrant through which planets pass. Saturn is making its way from the bottom of Ophiochus towards Scorpio right now. I have redesigned Hercules and Serpent Bearer by renaming a bunch of those stars after musicians. I call it Musician’s Corner, which also features (not visible here in the CNJ) John Lennon, David Bowie, Ella Fitzgerald, Lou Reed, and Jimi Hendrix. These stars are ALL visible in Flagstaff, which is why I will always have fond memories of that place. If you have good views of the night sky wherever you are, I am extremely jealous of you today. We have so much work to do here in urban America.

18. O.W. L. “ [nickname for Gemma, the lead star in The Northern Crown, a constellation which looks like a breast, and this the nipple. I’ve renamed the constellation Scrapy Scrapy because it’s kind of like the grappling device in the constellation I call The Thugged-Out Good Ship Carl Sagan, Ship #1 of the InterGalactic StarFleet. See my drawings elsewhere. It’s a redesign of Northern Crown, Bootes or Herdsman and Virgo.] Wow. Can you tell I’ve been busy at night in recent months? I have a lot to say, but no one wants to publish my work! Why is the astronomy community ignoring me? I’d love to publish a book about this stuff. Please contact me if you’re interested in making a lot of money by publishing an interesting article or book about astronomy and everything. I use this nickname because I love owls. They remind me of my son and myself. Think Greek and Roman mythology.

19. Monkey Eye “ [OKAY, I’m done explaining for today. More to come later.]

20. Kochab 9:31

21. Polaris 9:32

22. Denebola 9:33 Led Zeppelin, Bring it on Home

23. Molly Scuttlebutt 9:36 (to the right of Deneb/The Scuttlebutt in Cygnus, which I’ve renamed Goose)

24. Ader “ (above and to the left of Vega in a constellation I’ve designed as QB2lip; this star is also known as the mouth of Draco—Harry Potter connection!)

25. Slaveman Boots 9:40 The Shins, Saint Simon [a.k.a. Cor Coroli — why name a star after some dead asshole of a British king? I prefer the Wu Tang reference here in the CNJ]

26. Arcturus(+) 9:44 TRex, Lean Woman Blues [I figure why not bump the name over to the star in the roof of the cockpit of the Thug Carl Sagan?]

27. Jacques Scuttlebutt 9:46 [above Molly Scuttlebutt in the upper wing of Goose]

28. Mother Emily Dickinson 9:47 TRex, The Motivator [above and left of Beta Scorpio, named after my favorite lyric poet; I like that the nickname is also Mother E.D. HAHA]

Well, as Grover would say, “There you have it!” A lot to digest. But last night was a VERY GOOD night for Copernamici here in New Brunswick as indicated by the number of stars I was able to document in one hour and three minutes of game play. As always, more to come: “There’s always a P.S.” is one of my very favorite mantras.

7.10.17

Location: HP Reform Church on 2nd, Highland Park —> Boyd Park, New Brunswick

Anthem: John Lennon, Imagine (~8:43)

Weather: Timed Rain revealing open sky from the NW

Earth Character Name: HiyAA! (b/c I hit a 2nd meeting of the day, my 16th of complete and total sobriety)

The Lineup

1. 8:51 Lil’ J(upiter) The Shins, Sleeping Lessons

2. Lucius (Arcturus) 9:01 The Freewheelin’ Bobby Dylan, Queen Jane, Approximately

3. Vega 9:05 ”*” [BONUS TRACK: Built to Spill, Carry the Zero … note: I often play xtra tracks that I don’t list b/c they’re not strongly associated with star sightings. I indicate this one b/c I like the moment and want to remember it. I was walking towards OZ and felt inspired by my view of Vega and my environs. I like to remind myself that the language of the cosmos if not earth is Mathematics, and that I suck at it! I much prefer science, which to me is applied math. My rule is not only to look up, but to look around.]

4. Spica 9:14 Blur, I’m Just a Killer para estu (?) amor [Bonus track: follwed by Bob Marley, Stir It Up. I’ve named a star in the constellation Eagle after Bob b/c I like his music and think he’s an important figure in the history of World Music. I’ve never been to Jamaica but feel I would love it there.]

Pause: An impromptu Wilco Solid Sound 2015 concert at Boyd Park. See accompanying videos on my Copernamic channel on YouTube, which is where I post videos related to the game:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLoXM2XAeZa0NH1t00Otm4DbzWOEVUkk9x

Jesus etc.: https://youtu.be/wk07AtPhKzQ

New Madrid: https://youtu.be/1jM1ni9Gjpo

5. Alcaid 9:40 Ray Charles, What I Say

6. Mizar “ “*”

7. Special J “ “*”

Analysis:

As any amateur astronomer or nakedeye stargazer will say, the weather means a lot. Even in relatively unpolluted areas, like Flagstaff, AZ (which I hear is in the midst of a wicked fire season—I hope everyone is doing okay out there!), or (I imagine) on the plains of Africa, if it’s cloudy out you’re not going to see much. Here in Central New Jersey, it’s gotten quite humid in the last 24 hours. Last night there was a passing rain storm around 8:00 p.m. and I wasn’t sure if the stars would come out. But, patience is a virtue and is usually rewarded. “Gaia” did not disappoint me last night and it was an educational evening all in all. Let me ‘shplain to the “real astronomers,” as Papa Carl (Sagan) would say….

Jupiter showed up “on cue” at 8:51. Besides the Moon (I refuse to use a capitor “t” because there are other moons in the solar system, and most are far more interesting), Jupiter SHOULD be the first object visible in the night sky here in New Brunswick. It was nice and clear in that part of the sky, meaning there were excellent views of the planet nearly the entire evening.

High above Jupiter I saw Arcturus 10 minutes later. Relative to Jupiter, Arcturus is towards the center of the sky. If you have trouble understanding what it means for a star to be “up high,” think about it’s distance from the horizon. If you can look at the sky as a dome and see it as a hemisphere, you’ll recognize that the sky is like an umbrella, as suggested by H. A. Rey in his awesome book The Stars: the illusion is that it’s a round dome, even though we should know that it’s not at all a sphere, at least not that we can see from this perspective. Historically, most people believed that we live in a large dome, as in a snow globe. That’s because it looks this way. Try lying on your back and looking up. Without being able to see the horizons, the illusion disappears.

Arcturus’s appearance last night was slightly delayed. all things being equal atmospherically, I can usually spot Arcturus 5 MINUTES after Jupiter. I’m not always paying close attention, but I stand by this statistic. Try it yourselves! See if you can spot Arcturus before Jupiter, and if not, then as close as possible to it in terms of lapsed time. I bet you can’t do it in less than 5 minutes! :) That’s how cool naked-eye astronomy is. Why would you use a telescope when you can do this for free? Oh yeah. Pollution. Le sigh. The good news is that weather is more of a hindrance, and this particular exercise should be able to be done no matter where you are. I wonder about New York though…hmmmm. Can you see Arcturus and Jupiter from Times Square? I’m genuinely curious but mostly disturbed by the possible answer—I don’t want to know because of how angry it would make me with that particular city and its inhabitants, but mostly its “caretakers.” How dare the people running that city rob its citizens of the opportunity to play this game? I feel bad for the kids, but also the grown-ups, no matter how often they drive, etc.

Back to last night. For those unaquainted with Arcturus, its a beautiful burnt-orange-colored star I call Lucius. His name means Light in Latin, and so to me it’s a natural fit for something like a star, which after all is nothing but a distant sun. I like using the “official star names” so that people can understand my writing more easily, but I figure why not share something of myself in these silly blog posts. As far as stars go, Arcturus is actually quite interesting: it’s 36.7 lightyears away, which makes it one of our closest neighbors. It is 140 times as bright as our sun. Imagine being near that guy! Hard to imagine isn’t it? Makes me think of that song “Blinded by the Light!” I don’t feel like looking up the artist right now, but was it Loverboy?

Anywho, Arcturus is estimated to be 7.1 billion years old—I don’t yet have any opinions about the validity of this assertion. Our sun is—I believe accurately estimated at—4.6 billion years old. For those new to astronomy, it’s worth considering how a star can be older than ours. It’s interesting that some stars are older and some are younger than ours, which is middle-aged. It’s about half way through it’s life cycle, meaning that it will die in another 4.6 billion or so years. Like with people, who usually live to around 70 to 80 years if healthy, stars have different physical properties. It’s not a myth: stars are “alive” in the sense that they are energy, the source of all life. Like many people, I consider the stars my “parents.” As a caring human being, I also think it’s worth thinking of them as our children, in that we should want to be able to keep an eye on them.

I like being middle-aged (mostly) because it helps me understand our solar system a bit better. I can relate to the sun! Here’s something to contemplate the next time you’re outside: if our sun and the stuff in our solar system was “created” from an explosion known as the Big Bang, how many other formative events—processes of accruals in which matter joins together to form stars and planets out of “space dust”—have happened? Hindus believe that existence is made of an infinite series of such events, and that time basically has no beginning or end. I agree with this belief, by the way—inifnity = infinity in the same way as 1 = 1. I’m not at all agnostic: I simply believe in the mathematics behind this aspet of science. So. There is a lot of stuff in our solar system—consider Lil’ J—even if it’s not much compared to the amount of void or empty space out there in this our local part of the Milky Way galaxy. The Big Bang happened around 16.7 billion years ago (my preferred estimate as of today). QUESTION: WHY IS THE EARTH, the only place that is known to be home to “intelligent life” according to most scientists (BUT NOT PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN ALIENS! HAHA—I love that the first movie I ever saw in a theater was The Empire Strikes Back, it freaked me out and I cried and we had to leave…then again, I was only like 3 or 4 years old), SO PERFECTLY PLACED IN SPACE AND TIME when we treat it so badly? Do we really believe that this is all a coincidence? I’m not much for sermonizing, but I do think it’s worth considering how closely aligned astronomy, Earth science, and religion are and should be. But I digress…

Spica, a dimmer but visible star that to my eye in Flagstaff is a lovely bluish-green (one of the few stars I can honestly describe as “greenish,” along with Regulus) forms a giant L with Jupiter these days. (See the photo in my previous Copernamici posting.) Again, I like that it connects me with Lucius—it’s these connections that make stargazing fun. When Spica appeared, a few minutes after Arcturus, I was playing a song called “Killer for Your Love” by the British band Blur (it’s on the album that has the famous Song 2—sportsfans will know this song and thus know the band…it’s the one that goes “woooo hooo!” in a British accent). I think that having a soundtrack, no matter what it is, makes Copernamici more fun—more interactive in a way. The game is all about “timing,” and so why wouldn’t we use music to allow the Earth to direct the show? Ask John Williams and George Lucas and their fans if they think music is an important part of stargazing. For me, music is how I pray, but it’s also how I make sense of the natural world. I call it the rhythm method, for which see my poems in the CNJCSS, posted earlier.

Next was Vega, which for me is a very important star. It’s closer at 25 light years away. By the way, the closest star to Earth is called—rather lamely—Proxima Centauri, meaning “nearest star in Centaur,” at 4.3 light years away. How do we in the Anglophone world NOT have a better name for this important destination? Whatever. You name it! I’m tired of naming shit. Haha. Centaur is a constellation visible towards the equator — I have never seen this star because I’ve never been further south than Key West, Florida, and therefore refuse to name it even in the context of the game Copernamici. Also, it’s too dim to be seen by the naked human eye, although I’d love to try! I’ve never looked at a star or anything except the moon through a telescope because I’m waiting to do so with my son on a special occasion. [For people in America, a total solar eclipse is coming up on August 23rd 2017 by the way…]

VEGA is important for cool reasons: it’s almost always on display, no matter how bad the pollution. It also happens the place that Sagan posited we might first make Contact with aliens. There are very significant reasons for this thesis, which make a ton of sense. Consider this: humans started sending out radio signals late in the 19th century. However, these signals were not as powerful as TV signals, which we started shooting out into interstellar space—penetrating all the dust—around 1936. The occasion was the opening ceremonies of the Hitler Olympics, disturbingly enough. If you do the math, those signals, travelling at the speed of light DID INDEED arrive—it’s a scientific fact—in the area of Vega around the year 1956. And so, if the message was “received” according to our known science, and if other beings decided to send the signal back to us in a similar package—EARTH TO CLUNK is the name of a great children’s book, by the way—it would have come back to us around the year 1976 or so. Only, I don’t believe we were looking then. (I was born in 1977, so I like this stuff as a sci-fi geek.) Papa Carl’s book “Contact” tells this story. Again, I must suggest you read it. It’s about a young female radioastronomer who makes an important discovery that is misunderstood. I think many of us can relate to this heroic but imperfect character. By the way, I should remind you that I’ve been employed as and English Professor for most of my life, and not a scientist. I’m just like any other stargazer in that I like to use my eyes and sense of wonder to learn.

Now, why did Sagan not choose a place with known exoplanets that’s closer? I think he had an attraction to this location because of it’s beauty. Also, we know more now than we did when he died in 1996. That’s a good thing and we should value it. Check out Vega! It’s got a lovely bluish hue and looks a lot in terms of shape like the stars found at the top of Christmas trees. As is the case with Arcturus, I get kind of emotional when I look at Vega, which is why I like to listen to the music I find most moving. Perhaps I’ll make a video one of these days. But, I need the energy, and I feel kind of tired these days. Middle age, blah.

I think that’s enough analysis for this session. Except, note that I spotted Special J last last night. It was hard to make out the Big Dipper because of the cloud cover—note that clouds keep in light, making it a domino effect that hinders viewing. And yet, I was indeed able to make out the 3 brightest stars of the asterism, which is why I was happy to close out the night with Brother Ray Charles, the High Priest of R+B, or soul.

Peace and Love,

Jeff

copern 71117

anthem 8:35 wu tang bminor

Lil’ J 8:52 G. Welch, Wasted on the Wayside

lucius 8:58 big star, september grlz

vega 9:07 radiohead, black star

Not a good night. Don’t forget: you’re better than this. Stop being so angry. When you’re looking at the stars, remember to look at the stars. Talk to people and they’ll talk to you. That’s all.

WED JULY 26, 2017

All the visible stars were out tonight—at least all the ones I’ve identified since moving here—except what I think was Denebola. However, I did see the star above and to the right of Abigail in QB2Lip.

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createdbyangels · 5 years ago

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“C”

**Disclaimer - I can’t give details about C’s story, history or current situation. We are contractually bound to maintain his privacy and intend to do so. But this story is something I want to remember the details of because it could have only been crafted by God himself. So there will be lots of letters used in place of names or other details I can’t share. But this is a record of this story for our family to have in the future because it still seems hard to believe sometimes.

The week of December 9th was our first “back to normal” week, coming off the heels of a 4 week track out, Corbin’s birthday, Thanksgiving at Grandmom’s and our week at Disney. Our foster license was approved 11/18 but we knew that with everything we had coming up in the next few weeks we wouldn’t even be considering a placement until at least December. We actually got a very interesting placement email the Thursday we were at Animal Kingdom (our last Disney day) but of course I didn’t see it until late that night (after 7pm) and James and I were not even close to being in a state of mind to have a conversation about it until the next day in the car. We decided we might be interested and I emailed our placement specialist. She said she would let them know we were interested but she was pretty sure they had been placed already. I felt....disappointed. It was a sibling set in our age range it seemed like we could have been a good fit. Several days later (the beginning of the next week I think) we got another placement email but it wasn’t something we could handle.

In the mean time, we have some friends at church who have become GREAT friends over the past year. We didn’t realize until after we started getting to know each other that they had actually been licensed through the same agency we used months before we were. They have teenage kids and are fostering teens - and are a general wealth of parenting knowledge along with being all around wonderful people. And since it is hard to understand the journey of fostering if you haven’t been through the work that goes into it, we talk often about how we are feeling and what is going on. M called me early in the week of December 9th to talk to me about a placement they were working on. She would be visiting for the weekend (they’d met her once before) and our friends were excited about the potential. The circumstances were different this time than they had been in past placements. We talked for a while about what it would look like, expectations for the weekend and the fact that T had a brother who was also trying to be matched. M asked what our age range was and when I told her “3-9″ nothing else was said. I had a very small moment where I felt like I should offer to host the brother (even though he was out of our range) because he needed somewhere to go but I decided against it. It might be weird to insert myself into their family’s journey and I didn’t know anything about this kid. And he is 11 which is way older than our range anyway. So we wrapped up our call with promises to pray and keep each other in the loop. And we knew we’d see each other Sunday at church and I’d get to meet T.

So Sunday 12/15 we got to see each other and I briefly met T since she was with our friends. They’d had a good weekend and I found out that things hadn’t gone as well for the brother. He’d met a few families but it wasn’t looking like they’d found a great fit. But the siblings had to be moved to a new placement ASAP and they were relocating them to be near an older sister who was adopted a few years ago and is currently in the greater Raleigh area.

Monday 12/16 I was beginning to feel “back to normal” after all the trips and reentry from the trips. I dropped everyone off at school and came home prepared to spend several hours working. It was my favorite day of the year...Savannah’s school had extended hours as a “parent shopping day” so I didn’t have to pick her up until 2:30!! (Usually Monday pick up is 1:15 after kidokinetics and W/F are 12:30). So I get to my desk and there is an email from our specialist. Asking if we’d be interested in a “temporary placement” for a boy who we might be somewhat familiar with because our friends are taking his sister.

So, now we have been officially added to the mix. I just stared at the screen for a minute and as I was typing a text to James I got one from him. “You see the email?” So I called him. And told him everything I knew (which I hadn’t done before then because honestly, I assumed he wouldn’t care and things had been shared in confidence by my friend on the phone the week before). James had hesitations. There was still a family that might be interesting in taking him but they “didn’t want to move too quickly”so they weren’t ready for him to move in yet. But it was time for him to move somewhere. So maybe we’d just be a stop over while he visited and got to know the other family. That seemed too risky to James. He didn’t want to be another disappointment in C’s story. Another failed placement. And, he is a 6th grader. Not even on our radar. But everything I knew made me very insistent that it was our time. We would frame it as, “We are getting you to the area to be close to your sisters and make it easier to find your forever home” I had a long conversation with our placement specialist about that concern and how I wanted to be sure to talk about it. She was on board. At that point they said he might be arriving tomorrow. As in, 24 hours from that initial conversation. I called my friend and told her what was happening. She was shocked that we’d been looped in. And that we’d said yes. Then she told me that T wasn’t coming until Wednesday bc that was the soonest they could be ready for her so we shouldn’t expect C until then either. I couldn’t focus on anything else that day. There was suddenly so much to do. So many loose ends to tie up. A mattress topper so the bed was more comfortable. Matching Christmas jammies since the rest of the family had them already (those came from our kindness elf so don’t mention that part of the story to the kids until they are older). I had just THE NIGHT BEFORE gotten us tickets to a Carolina Hurricanes game in January (using Corbin’s 2 free tickets through a school reading program) so I called all the people and found a seat in the row directly behind us.so James could sit right behind us and we could all go. We talked to the kids about what was going on and they were SO EXCITED. I honestly have no idea what happened on Tuesday. On Wednesday I met my life group at church to help with something and then picked S up from school. We ran one more last minute errand and then we came home to wait.

C arrived with his social worker shortly after 2pm. He was shy and nervous but luckily Savannah is neither of those things and launched right into making him feel at home. He’d made an ornament for our Christmas tree. I talked to the worker for a while and then she drove away and left me fully in charge. We played basketball for a while after showing him around the house. When Corbin got home he was eating a sandwich. They smiled at each other and within an hour it was like they’d know each other forever.

We went to Chick Fil A for dinner (C’s request) that night and James met us there from work. He ended up having to turn around and go back to work that night before C’s bedtime. C and I played a game until he got home and we tucked him in for the first time. I distinctly remember trying to figure out what it must feel like to be 11 years old and suddenly living in a totally new place with new people and new everything. And kind of being a professional at doing that. I couldn’t fathom it and it made me so so sad.

He had a good night sleep and the next day we were off to the races - an awards ceremony at Corbin’s school, meetings with social workers and our licensing specialist (that happened at James’s property so my dad actually got to meet C on day 2 because he was there doing a set up) and the workers bringing the rest of C’s stuff. A LOT of stuff. and SO. MANY. CHRISTMAS. PRESENTS. They were concerned he wouldn’t get much at his previous placement so they really overcompensated and sent him approximately 2-3 Christmases worth of stuff.

I had a great friend in the neighborhood come over before Christmas and help me go through, open and sort the gifts to make it more manageable. Friday he came with me to Savannah’s Christmas program at preschool. He moved to the aisle so he could see better during their songs. Things flowed easier than I expected. The boys couldn’t wait for the weekend so Corbin would be home for a week and a half on Christmas break. And boy do they have a good time together.

Now to some of the crazy things. We found out that the family who adopted the oldest sister is friend’s with our pastor. They go way back. So even though all 3 siblings are placed with different families there is a tie that runs through all 3 of us.

Also - C came to us on 12/18. Exactly one month after we got our license. And crazier still, exactly ONE YEAR to the day from the day my leg pain moved from something annoying to something that I thought was really a problem, I’ve said many times that I think God literally laid me out so I could understand that I’m not in control and even if I stop spinning all the plates, the world will keep turning. AND exactly one year TO THE DAY from the day I went with Pam to see “Instant Family” in the theater and told her, the first person I said it out loud to, that James and I had officially made the decision to look into adoption through foster care. I spoke the words to someone after seeing a movie on the topic and 365 days later, C arrived.

There are some crazy connections regarding his legal name that I obviously can’t share but they are enough to give you pause for sure.

Here is a story I shared on FB on Christmas:

Several weeks ago I went and bought "Santa wrapping paper" (2 rolls per kid for some reason) and stashed it in the back of the closet. I pulled it out yesterday and my heart skipped a beat when I realized that one of the rolls was Snoopy driving Santa's sleigh. It was meant for Corbin but I'm not sure why I picked it since neither of my kids are very interested in Charlie Brown. C LOVES Snoopy. He has several stuffed animals he sleeps with and his night light is even Snoopy. He has proclaimed his love more than once over the past week. And one of the presents we unwrapped in the stash the social workers brought was a giant box of Nerds (one of the novelty ones) with grape and strawberry nerds. A day or 2 before opening that package, I was laying on Corbin’s bed with the boys reading before bed. They were acting a fool (per the norm) and I called them nerds. They laughed and laughed and said, “Are you gonna eat us!?” I pointed to them one at a time and said, “You’re strawberry and you’re grape” And then I find the box. That box came from me to them on Christmas. They thought it was hilarious. No one can convince me that God didn't know long before we did that we'd have an extra stocking to fill this Christmas. I am so grateful for His perfect timing and faithfulness.

I saw that oldest sibling’s family had shared their story with a local church congregation during their Christmas service. We had friends over for Christmas dinner who go to one of the campuses. I asked if they’d heard the story or seen “these people” and they said, “YES!” They told me some of the story the family had shared (a story I already knew) and then said, “We wondered what happened to the other sister and brother she mentioned”. My response? “The brother. He is upstairs”

It keeps happening. Please understand this wasn’t a local placement. These kids came from a few hours away. But the story continues to be woven together in a way that can only be explained by God.

It is day 16 and C started middle school today. He was a lot more emotional than I thought he would be and it broke my heart. I spent the day worried about him. He came home smiling though.

The kids regularly and freely talk about how C should live here forever. Our agency won’t start those conversations for at least 6 months. We are all open but James and I are being careful about what we say. 16 days feels like a lot. But it obviously is not. To say this is a MAJOR decision is an understatement. So, we continue to take it one day at a time and wait to see what God will do next.

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graysonpuzzle · 7 years ago

Text

Unstable

NOTE: Freshly edited this. I’d like to warn that in this chapter there is a panic attack/anxiety. Also, for the rest of this fic (I like to call it a book lol) this warning will apply, and all of the anixety/panic related things are based on my own experiences, so if you think they are weird/innaccurate, I am basing them off my own panic attacks and anxiety. There is also violence, cussing and all that stuff. I would love some feedback on my writing!

THE PUZZLE

Chapter Three

----------------------------- June 6th, 1990

“Mommy please don't go!” I remember telling my mom, as I pulled on her shirt.

“I know honey, but mommy and daddy have to help their friends, ok?” She replied and my dad came galloping down the stairs

“Ready girls?” He asked and grabbed his car keys.

I didn't think much of the ride to my grandparents house, but now I think of that car ride constantly; that was the last car ride I'd have with my parents. My dad picked me up out of the car and carried me to grandpas front door. I cried when they left, begging them to stay.

Grandpa said they would be gone for a week at the most. A week passed, then another. In the kitchen of the second week, Grandpa answered the phone and he dropped the phone, letting it hang by the cord. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he composed himself and acted as if it was nothing. Even though I was small, I knew something was wrong. I was always a smart kid, and could read people before Grandpa made me learn.

Weeks turned into months and everyday I asked my Grandpa when my parents were coming to get me. His replies were always the same: ‘They'll be here in no time, Gray.”

One night I had a nightmare, the first of many that would take place most nights for the rest of my life. I went to my Grandpa's room looking for comfort but instead, he was weeping on the edge of his bed. I ended up doing the comforting.

“It’s ok, Grandpa, I miss Mommy and Daddy too, but you said they’ll be here soon,” I tried to explain, but I didn't understand why he kept crying.

He pulled me up onto his lap and through his tears told me, “Mommy and Daddy went to heaven, we won't see them for a long time.”

As I got older, I understood and remembered every detail of the last day I saw them. I think of my mom when I listen to her favorite music. I think of my Dad when I wear the necklace he gave my mom when they were teenagers. It’s a small chain with the moon on it; I remember my mom loving to go outside and look at the stars, the moon represented her love for the night and stars.

On my birthday each year Grandpa would give me something of theirs. I could tell it pained him to let go of those things, but he always told me they would want me to have them. Everywhere I go I wear the necklace, I listen to the music in the car, and read the books they used to own.

December 29th, 2006

“New York really is pretty in the winter,” I think outloud.

“It’s going to be even better when we kill this werewolf,” Dean states.

We check into the first motel with vacancy and I check in first.

“One king please,” I say to the woman behind the counter, getting money out of my pocket.

“Sorry, sweetie, the only room left is a double queen,” she replies with a severe smokers voice. I look at Sam and Dean, they just nod, whatever that means.

“The three of us will take that room then,” I say and hand her money, and she hands me the keys.

We walk down the hall to find our room. I unlock the door and stand in the entrance in shock. There are mirrors on the ceiling, no wonder it was rather expensive, and it was the last room left. The brothers walk in and Dean just starts smiling like a wierdo. Sam doesn't seem to care and sets his bag on the couch. I drop my bag on the floor and make my way back to the check in desk.

I ring the bell and the same woman comes to the counter, “Yes?”

“Are you sure there aren't any more rooms left, there's um-”

“Mirrors on the ceiling? I know, Sorry hon, it's the last room we got, surprising though since it's almost New Years,” she says.

I walk back to the room, a little disgusted by the room that I have to share with two guys. I get a shiver down my spine and open the door. I throw myself on the first bed and can't stop saying the word ‘ew’ in my mind over and over again.

“We should get started on the case soon, only a few hours until it's dark,” I hear Sam say and sit up.

“Well let's head to the station then,” Dean says.

“Alright,” Sam agrees and they both look at me.

“I think I'm going to check on the latest scene and see if I can find anything,” I say.

“What? No,” Dean says, “I think you should stick with us.”

“Why? Because I’m ‘unstable?’ I can handle myself,” I argue.

“Yeah, actually that's exactly why,” he admits.

“Listen you prick, you don't know me, you have your problems and I have mine,” I snap.

“Dean, come on-” Sam starts but Dean cuts him off.

“STAY OUT OF THIS SAM!”

“Look at that, you just think you're the boss of everyone! Do you always talk to your brother like that?”

“I don't think you're experienced enough to hunt by yourself,” He replies and ignores my question.

“Really? I've been training since I was 7 years old, I could kill you right now just by poking the right pressure points.”

“That doesn't mean anything.”

“It doesn't? Fine, how about I use my knife throwing to defend myself? Or how about archery? Maybe even mixed martial arts?” I list, and Sam raises his brows, impressed by the skills my grandfather made me learn.

“None of that means that you make good decisions!” Dean yells.

“Oh, so it's my judgement?”

“YES! You freaking took on a vampire nest by yourself and now you want to take on a werewolf? Are you insane?”

“You know what, since we're pointing out things ‘wrong’ with me, why don't I point out yours?” I ask sarcastically, “Let's see, who is it that made enemies with Gordon and got me attacked because of it? And you won't even tell me why!”

“That has nothing to do with what we're talking about!” He yells.

I ignore him and continue, “You know what, maybe I will listen to you, if you're honest. Thats one thing I got over you, buddy, at least im honest. Yeah, I'm a little too confident, sometimes I think I can handle these things by myself, but you know what?”

“You're getting on my nerves,” he fumes.

“I can tell just by looking at you that you lie all the time. You lie to make yourself feel better, you lie to your brother quite a bit, and I know for a fact that you bottle everything inside just so people don't see it,” He looks frustrated now, I think I hit him hard, “But I can see right through you, so next time you want to accuse me of being unstable, just look at yourself.”

I put on my jacket, gloves and hat and go to the door, “And just in case you were wondering, psychology is another thing my grandpa trained me in you asshole,” I finish and slam the door behind me.

I make my way to the scene, which is a rather long walk. I get on the street where we think the most recent attack took place. The last kill was in an alleyway. I hear trashcans moving in an alley and go to it. It’s only a cat, scrounging for food, I’m guessing. I pull out what's left of a pack of teddy grahams and give it to the cat. She takes them and rubs against me.

“You're not a big bad wolf, are you?” I say and scratch her head. She looks up suddenly and runs away.

“Fine.” I'm hurt, I thought we were bonding. I turn around to see what the cat saw, there a man standing at the end of the alley. “I don't really feel like getting mugged right now, so leave me alone,” and I keep walking, sure that I can kick his ass if he tries anything.

As I approach, he doesn't move and I can see him better with each step I take. Hes muscular, tall and overall sketchy looking. He stares at me as if I'm an old friend.

“Kelly?” He asks.

“Uh, sorry pal, I'm not the girl you think I am,” I say and walk past him, but he grabs my arm and squeezes hard.

“You look just like my Kelly,” he breathes rather hard and continues, “Beautiful Hazel eyes, waved chestnut hair...”

“Ok, creep, let me go,” I say and jerk my arm out of his grasp and continue walking. I hear a low growl then look back at the man, “look, back off- oh my god.”

The man doesn't look how he did seconds ago...he's the monster im hunting. I pull out my gun and shoot, hitting him in the shoulder as he charges at me. I sprint down the street to get away but I can feel him on my heels. Think, Grayson, think. I take a sharp turn down a different alley that I passed earlier. There's a high fence at the end, it might not stop him, I just hope it gives me time to get away. I get to the fence and climb as fast as I can, but after getting a few feet up, it's over; I feel his claws latch themselves into my ankle and wrench me down. I land on my back and aim my gun but he smacks it from my hand. I crawl backwards like a crab until my back hits the fence.

He puts his face inches from mine and just stares for what feels like minutes. He makes an animal noise and I close my eyes, I don't want to see what he does next. I expect him to kill me, but instead he lifts me up and I open my eyes. Hes carrying me over his beastly shoulder. Shit shit shit, this is not good.

I constantly try to fight, but he squeezes me with so much strength that I have to gasp for breath. He ends up taking me to an abandoned building or something, maybe an old dog kennel, judging by the cages. He literally throws me into one and I land on my tailbone.

“So what now? Trust me I'm shallow and won't fall in love with you based on your personality,” I say, hoping to get a rise out of him so he makes noise or gives me a chance at escape.

He just growls and locks the cage. All I have left is the knife I always have strapped to my thigh and some silver bullets for the gun left in the alley. My phone must've fell out of my pocket while he was chasing me. I've never seen a werewolf act so human while in the animal phase.

Through a small window I can see that the sky has finally gone dark. Hopefully this mutt will stop pacing around in circles and leave so I can make a break for it.

“Alright buddy, if you're going to kill me, might as well get it over with.”

He replies with a low growl.

“So what's the point of keeping me here, huh? You killed all your other victims on the spot, why the sudden change?”

He ignores me and continues pacing. Bitch. I sit on the cement floor and rest my back on the kennel wall. I get out my knife and twirl it around for fun. More hours pass.

“You know, my Grandpa made me get training in knife throwing, if these bars weren't between us, I could hit you right between the eyes,” I say out loud, knowing he either won't respond or do so with a growl.

Either I got used to his paws constantly touching the floor, or he left. Quietly I get up and look out. Hes gone, maybe he's turning back or getting food. I walk to the back of my kennel and kick the chained door as hard as i can. Nothing. I try again, but no luck. Next I try to pick the lock with my knife, which from the beginning was a stupid idea, but was worth a shot. I hear a distant noise and step back. The werewolf comes back, but looks more enraged than ever.

He runs at the bars and his claws scrape the metal on the door. What the hell was the point of trapping me just to have a harder time attacking me? I panic as he begins breaking through. I get an idea and begin climbing up two of the kennel walls, stretching one leg on each side. He breaks the lock and chains and barrels through. He jumps at me and I jump down, kicking him with both feet in the chest. It knocks the beast down and I run as fast as I can out of there.

I get out of the room and enter a long hallway. There are bigger windows and I can tell the sun is about to rise. When he changes I can kill him. I look back for a moment and he breaks through the door and his eyes lock on me. I push myself to run as fast as I can, but he easily catches up just like before. I go into a random room and slam the door. It's a heavy door, so it will take him longer to get through. It looks like an old office or something, because there is a desk and a bunch of random paperwork on the ground.

There's a big window behind the desk. The pounding and scratching on the door is constantly reminding me to hurry. I push the desk out of the way easily and pull the blinds all the way up. Its one of those protected windows that doesn't open, like ones that I see in schools sometimes. I pick up the desk and throw it the best I can manage at the window. The window shatters seconds before the door breaks down.

I jump out the window and bolt down the narrow alley. I get out to the empty street and look around as I turn the corner; I have no idea where I am. I look back for a mere moment and the wolf is nowhere in sight. I decide to go back and see if he changed.

I check the alleyway and the abandoned building, but there's no sight of him. He must've changed back. Now I have to figure out where the motel is and yell at Sam and Dean for not finding me, if they bothered to look. As I walk, the streets get busier and I get dirty looks from a lot of people. I walk past a large window of a building and see why; my clothes are ripped in places, I’m covered in dirt and a little blood, not to mention my hair looks like I brushed it with an eggbeater. I'll take a shower as soon as I get back.

Somehow I make it to the alley with the big fence and find my gun but no phone. I shove it in my jacket and walk back to the motel. I knock on the door of the room I’m sharing with the Winchester brothers and step back waiting for the door to open, arms crossed. Dean opens the door.

“Where have you been?!” he asks frantically.

“Thats a good question Dean,” I reply casually, pushing past him to walk into the room.

“What happened to you?” Sam asks looking at me up and down, seeing the mess that is me.

“I don't know, maybe last night when I was by myself I got attacked by the werewolf and he literally trapped me in a cage the whole night.”

“Why didn't you call us?!” Dean asks, as if I didn't think of that.

“Well, while I was running from him or when he tossed me over his shoulder I lost it, you must think i'm really stupid, why didn't you two try to find me?”

“We did, we found your gun and your hat-” Sam starts.

“We searched all night, we called a million times. At about 4 am we decided to come back here and look for anything that might have helped,” Dean finishes explaining.

“Did you find anything?” I ask.

“Well the first victim was the guy's girlfriend and she looked a little bit like you,” Sam states.

“Kelly…” I whisper to myself.

“Yeah, how'd you know?” Sam asks, confused.

I look up at Sam, Dean looking at me waiting for an answer. “Before he changed, he said I looked just like her but when I tried to walk away he changed and attacked me,” I explain.

“But you said he put you in a cage?” Dean asks.

“Yeah, he didn't hurt me, he just put me in the cage the whole time. He was pacing the room the whole time.” I respond.

“I think I know what's going on here,” Sam states, Dean and I look at him with curiosity.

“Well are you going to explain it to us?” Dean asks sarcastically.

“Amara looks like Kelly right? So when he saw her maybe the animal inside took control.”

“What?” I ask.

“When he saw you, it triggered something, he was supposed to kill you, but he didn't,” Sam finishes and Dean gets a look of realization, but I still don't get it.

“Looks like Wolfy has a crush on you, Sunshine,” Dean says and laughs.

“So he didn't kill me because…?”

“He was protecting you from himself is my guess,” Sam says and I just let out a long sigh.

“So I guess we know how to find him and end this,” I state, dreading what I know I have to do.

Later, I take Sam and Dean back to the kennel place the wolf--Hal is what Sam told me his name is-- took me to last night. We look through the building thoroughly and decided to wait for him to come, if he does come.

After about 2 hours of waiting we hear footsteps coming down the hall I escaped from this morning. The door opens and Hal sees me.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” He asks, panicked.

“I thought I’d pay you a visit.”

“You-you can't be here, you saw what happened, I-”

“Turned into a werewolf?”

“Yes...you need to leave, or it will come back, he's already trying to get out.”

I look at him with my eyes slightly squinted. “Why did you lock me up last night?”

“I was trying to stop it, I- he wants you, it's like he owns you, or at least that's what he thinks.”

“Stop calling it ‘him’, thats you.”

“No...no it's not, I try to keep it in but he just-he just takes control and-” And he starts breaking down in tears.

“Look, I need to end this before you kill more people, or take innocent girls in the middle of the night.”

“What do you mean?” he asks through his bawling.

I just pull my gun from my jacket and his whole mood changes.

“No-I won't let you-AGH- I WON'T LET YOU GET AWAY FROM ME AGAIN KELLY!” He shouts as he turns from human to wolf.

“GUYS!” I shout and the brothers come out from their hiding places and aim their guns at him as I do.

He charges towards me and the three of us shoot simultaneously. He dodges most of the bullets and once again grabs me as I shoot at him. I just can't get a break. Once again I'm thrown over his shoulder as he runs away. I look back at Sam and Dean running after the beast, they are not nearly as fast and I lose sight of them. I still have my gun and try shooting at the back of his feet, but it's hard because of all the movement. I don't want to waste the last bullets I have and decide to wait until the timing is better.

He ends up taking me to woods. All I see is trees in every direction. He sets me down and sniffs me. I seriously hate this. I get my gun out but he sees and scratches my hand and I scream in pain, he knocks the gun feet away and my right hand is covered in blood. The sound of a twig snapping makes him dart his head and he runs. I crawl to my gun, then get up. I take off in the opposite direction that he went and go as fast as I can, hoping that if I go straight I will eventually get out of the woods.

I hate werewolves so much now; maybe I hate them more than shapeshifters. Who am I kidding? Those things will be at the top of my list since what happened with Cameron.

I keep running and dodging trees but surprisingly I haven't found my way out. I stop to climb a tree and see if I can see city lights. I have a hard time- I'll admit I suck at climbing- but I manage to get pretty far up despite the clawed hand. I look and I've been running the wrong way this whole time, guess I have to take my chances with wolf buddy. I get down and go back the way I came. My right leg is starting to hurt from the healing stab wound. I slow down only a little bit and keep going.

I hear the shaking of leaves close by but keep going. Then I hear it; I hear the vicious growl of a werewolf. I turn my head and he pounces on me. My face hits the ground, snow getting in my mouth and eyes. He flips me over onto my back and pins my arms with his mutated paws. His saliva drips on me while I grit my teeth; once again this thing has me waiting for my demise. He barks-more like roars- in my face and I can feel my eyes watering and my chest becoming heavy. If I'm going to die I might as well admit to myself that I'm horrified. I rest my head back and try to look past the beast and at the stars.

Hot tears run down the sides of my cheeks and start to heave. I can feel it coming, a panic attack. The wolf doesn't do anything to me but keep me pinned so he can scare me. The tears start rolling out faster, breathing becomes harder and I start sweating profusely. I'm going to die and my last moments will be spent having a panic attack-great, exactly the way I don't want to go.

The werewolf starts growling and I can see what he's trying to do now, he's trying to bite me. I'd rather die than be a werewolf. I scream and cry as he licks his chops and puts his jaws closer to my skin.

“HEY FURBALL!” I hear someone shout, followed by a gunshot. It hits the thing, but not in a fatal spot. I hear him whimper and he gets off me fast enough that I don't hear another shot go off. Without his weight on me, I can feel my body moving much more from the panic. I stay on the ground, in the same position he had me pinned and keep crying, not able to move. I know I can't control it, so I don't try to. My vision is blurry and it's dark, but I can see someone standing above me, crouching down.

“Grayson, come on, he's gone,” I hear the person say, and realize its Dean. I try to respond but it comes out garbled and I can't even understand myself. Next thing I know he is putting his arms under my knee and arms, lifting me up.

“Put me down, I can walk myself,” I try to say but it sounds more like ‘Puh meown Ikin wall myself.’

“I can't understand you, just focus on calming down,” He replies and keeps walking.

He walks us out of the woods and I see his car, Sam standing there waiting. He looks at me like he's worried but I don't want him to see me like this and turn away, my face in Dean's jacket like a little kid.

He slides me in the back seat and drives. The panic attack is still strong; I can't help but think about how Grandpa would react to this. As he trained me this would happen a bit and he would make me finish the hunt on my own sometimes to try and teach me that staying calm is a big part of hunting, and the only way for me to learn was to make me do it alone so I would get over it. I was 10 when he started doing that.

The car stops and they get out, Dean comes to get me, but I push him away and get myself out. I can tell that I've sweat through my shirt and everytime I think about Grandpa it's like another wave hits me and the attack gets strong again right as I feel like it's going down.

The three of us walk into our shared motel room, Sam in front of me and Dean behind. I go to my bag to get clothes and walk to the bathroom without saying anything to them. I take a long shower and calm down to normal before the water gets cold. When I'm done getting dressed I brush my teeth and get the first aid kit out. My right hand has deep claw marks, but I don't need stitches.

I walk out Sam and Dean are watching tv on the couch. After hearing the door open, they both turn around to see me.

Dean turns off the tv, “We need a lot of sleep if we're going to catch this asshole soon.”

“Agreed,” I reply, “Where do you think they keep the extra blankets?”

“That closet maybe?” Sam suggests and points to the small closet by the entrance.

I go and there are in fact extra blankets and pillows. I grab them off the top shelf and start making my bed on the couch, since it doesn't look like a pull out.

“Hey, i’ll take the couch,” Sam volunteers.

“It's fine,” I say.

“Just take my bed.”

“Sam, I don't-” I start but he walks over and takes the blankets and pillow from me, “Fine. Thanks.”

He starts setting up the couch and I go get in the bed Dean isn't in. When done, Sam shuts off the lights and I try to sleep.

“GRAYSON RENEE REED! YOU ARE PATHETIC!” My grandfather shouts then slaps me, knocking me to the ground.

“I'm sorry!” I cry and rub my cheek. Then Mom and Dad walk in.

“I am disappointed to call you my daughter,” my mother states and kicks my lower stomach while I’m down.

“I never wanted you, I always knew there was something wrong with you,” my father adds.

My grandpa then pulls my hair to make me stand, “Even these two think you're horrible and they just met you.” Sam and Dean appear with disgusted looks on their faces.

“We just feel sorry for you. Why else would anyone ever voluntarily spend time with you?” Sam asks, his head turning to the side to put emphasis on confusion.

“You unstable bitch. You're lucky I don't kill you myself,” Dean states, aggression forming in his face.

“No- No I didn't, I can't control it, I-” I start but my grandfather slaps me to the ground again. Cameron appears and looks down at me.

“I can't believe you actually thought I loved you, are you really that pathetic?” Cameron asks.

“I'm happy we died, so we don't have to see you screw up!” My mom yells and then I start crying. I can't feel the tears but I know they're there.

“I HATE YOU!” My father yells, then everyone joins in and more people appear to take turns Even that bastard Gordon appears along with faces of familiar hunters.

“STOP!” I screech.

I wake up from my dream sweaty with moist cheeks, I push the covers off of myself and look at the clock. Its nearly 3am. I get up out of the bed and walk outside. The motel has two stories and were on the second level. I walk out in only my shorts and a t-shirt despite the cold. The brisk air immediately cools me down.

“A little cold to be dressed like that don't you think?” I turn and see Mindy walking towards me.

“What do you want?”

“Just checking up on my favorite hunter,” she smirks.

“Stop following me, if you're going to kill me, just go ahead and try.”

“No. Remember our talk last week? I like to play, and you are very feisty,” she taunts.

“I asked you why you're here, now talk.”

“I'm just keeping an eye on you, seeing if you make any progress.”

“Progress? What the hell are you talking about?” I'm seriously confused.

“You don't know. Ha, they never told you,” she laughs and I glare at her, eyes are daggers, “I suggest you look up your family history, you're related to some powerful people.”

“So what? You've been killing my family because they are strong?”

“Trust me, just look up your family tree. You will not be disappointed,” she says and walks off. I don't understand, if she wants to kill me why is she telling me this?

I watch her drive out of the motel parking lot. I take a deep breath and realize I'm freezing. I try to open the door as quietly as possible. I see Dean sitting up in his bed looking right at me.

“You okay?” He asked groggily.

“Yeah, just getting some fresh air, go back to sleep,” I tell him and he shrugs and makes himself comfortable in his bed.

“I just want to finish this hunt and go home,” I state, loading my gun with silver bullets.

“Well it might take longer since we have to stay together,” Sam reasons.

“Where to first?” Dean asks.

“Lets try his house,” Sam replies.

“Screw looking for him, let's lure him to us.”

I can tell Sam doesn't like the idea, “that didn't work the first time, we should try-”

“Please Sam, we can let him follow my scent and take him off guard.”

“That actually doesn't sound too bad,” Dean says, wow he actually agrees with me.

“Fine, but we shouldn't go after him until it's almost dawn so we don't have to fight him too long,” Sam says, so we wait all night until its 6am. The plan is for me to walk ‘alone’ down the streets but Sam and Dean will be close enough to come help if something happens.

I walk down the empty street, my hands in my jacket pockets with my gun on the right side. It's cold enough for me to see my breath. I take a turn down an alley and lean against a wall, waiting. After a few minutes I check the street again, but see nothing. I turn to look deeper into the dark alley and see glowing eyes. I grab my gun from inside my pocket and click the bullet into place. The eyes emerge out of the shadow and I recognize the werewolf.

He stalks towards me, growling. I don't want to move suddenly and cause him to attack me or worse, take me and trap me in a freaking cage again. He gets nearly 10 feet away and I pulled out my hands and aim my gun; he hesitates, but then continues towards me.

“Look, if you leave me alone, I won't shoot you,” I lie but it doesn't make him stop. He starts circling me. It's the perfect opportunity to shoot, but it seems too perfect. What is he doing?

I push the thought to the side and shoot. He lays dead on the cement, bleeding out of his chest. That was too easy. After all the fighting, he just let me shoot him. Did he hold back or something? Did he see Kelly and hold back? I guess I’ll never know the answers.

The brothers give me a ride back to my grandpas cabin and I can't help but think about what's happened in the past 2 weeks: Gordon kidnapping me, the more frequent panic attacks, Mindy telling me she killed my family and then hinting to look up my family tree.

“So..” I start, getting Sam and Deans attention, “Are you guys going to tell me about the whole Gordon thing yet or?”

“You want the truth so bad, fine, go ahead and tell her Sammy,” Dean says not so friendly.

“Well, I-uh- sort of have these premonitions and there are other people like me around the country...long story short, because I'm a psychic, Gordon thinks I'm a monster and wants to kill me,” Sam explains, that is not what I expected.

“So he kidnapped me to lure you, so that he could kill you?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Sam answers.

“Well, why would he do that if I barely know you guys?”

“He probably thought he could easily take you off your guard,” Dean interrupts.

“And how would he know when to take me off my guard if I’ve never met him before then?” I ask teasingly, “were you guys talking about me?”

They exchange glances. I raise my eyebrows, waiting.

“We met him and we were talking about good hunters we know,” Dean says under his breath.

“I'm sorry what?”

“When we met him we got into a conversation about hunters, and you happened to pop up because you are a hunter,” Dean repeats, I couldve swore the first time he said ‘good hunters’.

“So you think I’m good enough to tell other hunters about?” Man, this keeps getting better and better.

“I'll admit that when you took out that nest when we first met was pretty kickass.” Man, I guess Dean does have a heart after all.

They drop me off at the cabin and I wave as they drive away. Now I can look into the family tree like Mindy suggested. But where to start?

So that’s the end of Chapter three. There are some things I would want to change, but I decided to just edit it for mistakes and post it how it is and focus on writing newer chapters. If you read it, THANK YOU!! Please if you have any suggestions or questions let me know! I will probably post chapter four soon.

#spn #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #spn imagines #spn imagine #supernatural imagine #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #werewolf #graysonpuzzle #chapter three

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lovealways-rissa · 7 years ago

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I haven’t fully made a post about the Set it Off concert on July 19th, 2017 at the crofoot in pontiac. So I got for my friends birthday, VIP to see One OK Rock. She likes Set it Off and she was the person that told me I should listen to Set It Off. We both seen One OK Rock before because we seen them when they opened up for 5SOS.We got there so early that we were the 6th or 7th person in line. We met One OK Rock (who by the way are the sweetest guys and pulled an amazing show!) We were able to get at the front so it was fucking amazing. When I last saw Set it Off with Simple Plan I was in the middle of the floor. First were Palisades who were fucking amazing. Everyone should give them a listen. My friend met them (I was meeting Set It Off when she met them). Set It Off obviously comes on and I freaked. I remember during Ancient History, I was looking at Maxx. I could have sworn he winked at me because my friend saw it and freaked. It looked like he did it at me but then again he winks a lot. A bit later they play Bleak December. I remember I was singing so loud and cody was right in front of me. I sang the part where it says “HOW FULL OF SHIT YOU ARE” Then Cody smiled and said “That’s right, let it out Pontiac. Haha!” He did the laugh he does and I’m so happy I recorded it. A bit later in the song, thats when I saw Maxx waving at someone. My friend told me to wave at him so I did. Then Maxx gave me a peace sign. My friend and I started laughing and I freaked. They played Life Afraid when this happened, I was really close to Dan so I sang the song like usual. Then Dan looks at me and WE WERE SINGING THE SONG TOGETHER. My friend witnessed it too and it was the most beautiful thing ever. My friend was so happy for me she was like “oh my god I would be crying if I were you”. Especially because they are my favorite band ever. I thought it couldn’t get any better. During Why Worry, I got so close to Cody that my camera was black from recording. He was singing to me and another girl. Then he goes into the crowd and crowds surf which was behind me so I got his legs to the security guards. They end the show and Maxx goes to throw his drumstick. It doesn’t get to me BUT a girl that was there for One OK Rock and works with my friend got it. We talked to her before the show and she knew I was there for Set It Off, she told me as long as she could take a picture of the drum stick I could have it. I was literally so fucking happy, i started crying at this point. Now I get to meet the guys AGAIN. We are waiting then the guys come behind us. They all went to random people. Cody and Zach got in front of me but Dan looked at me and walked right to me without looking at anyone else. He smiled so much at me and was asking me how the show was and such. My friend fully believes he remembered who I was. Then obviously Zach was next. (By the way it was Zach’s birthday). Last time I met Zach he was kind of quiet but this time he was smiling and so talkactive. I’m thinking maybe the last time I met him he had a bad day? He was amazing and saying he appreciates us and everything. Obviously Cody was next, sweetest like always. So I took a picture of him with a friend. I don’t remember how it came up but he said that this will be there last tour of 2017. I gave him a “puppy dog sad face” but he said don’t be sad because they will write new songs for the new record.Then my friend joked and said “you guys should announce the album on her birthday February 11″ Then he said, “If we don’t happy birthday!”. Now Maxx was the last one, I literally had to search for him, he was by the merch table. I had a piece of paper because I wanted him to write the lyrics “there’s always another day” from their song Tomorrow and I wanted in Maxx’s handwriting. So i walked up to him , he gave me a hug and told him I wanted him to do me a favor. I told him and he was like “Are you sure? My handwriting is terrible..are you sure you don’t want Cody’s..his is nicer” I laughed and told him I wanted his. So he did and it made me very happy. The next thing that was talked about was his photography. I said “Maxx I have to apologize because I have every print of yours and you have to sign my address so many times”. He smiled and asked me if I liked them. Obviously I said yes and told him they are all hung up in my room. He hugged me AGAIN and said it meant a lot to him.So obviously we took a picture. Then my friend met him 10 minutes later and we complimented him on his cat shirt. So I told him Pistol misses him. My friend looked at me and said “Who is that?” Then I told her “that’s his cat how do you not know that” then Maxx laughed at me. This was pretty much my night and it was the best night ever. I will keep going to their shows until they stop. <3

#Set It Off #Maxx Danziger #Cody Carson #Dan Clermont #Zach Dewall #SIO71917

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theonyxpath · 7 years ago

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This is the blog post I never, ever, expected to have to write.

My friend, Stewart Wieck, co-founder of White Wolf Magazine and White Wolf Game Studio, creator of Mage: The Ascension, and founder of Nocturnal Media, was finishing a light session of fencing last Thursday when he was struck down by a heart attack and died.

Even writing the above, putting it into cold black and white words, just rips me apart.

And frankly, that list up there of his accomplishments doesn’t even touch on the reality of the man, of his grace and kindness. It doesn’t speak of passion for writing, and creating, and learning. Of his dry wit and his silly side.

Most of all, it doesn’t speak of the sort of man who can decide that he was going to create in a field he loved, tabletop RPGs (back when we just called them RPGs, as there were no others), and made it happen step by step while inspiring others to come to his side and storm the walls of heaven.

Or the TSR castle at Gen Con, for those of you who remember that!

This looks suspiciously like Stew in a Gen Con ballroom.

I was one of those people, and in 1986, I sent in art in response to an ad Stew posted in Dragon Magazine looking for illustrators for his upstart White Wolf Magazine. We shared a love of comic books, genre fiction, and RPGs, but were really little alike. Except we both kept our commitments. I delivered the art, issue by issue as the circulation increased, and once Stew saw that I was going to do that with the same quality and regularity as he put forth in getting the writing in and the magazine out, he handed over the art direction duties to me as well.

We had a bad spot when a marketing guy Stew had begun working with to propel the magazine into what was supposed to be a huge increase in circulation ran out with all the ad payments. I thought the magazine was over. But Stew went back to every advertiser and somehow convinced them to pay again so that the issue could be printed. I couldn’t have done it, but that was Stewart Wieck – he could explain what needed to happen, and he was so sincere and so obviously a good guy, that people would jump in to help.

Without the magazine, Stew wouldn’t have been working closely with Lion Rampant when they were looking for a CEO to keep them rolling. I remember him calling and asking whether I thought he should accept their offer. I thought it was a no-brainer as he had “just graduated college, and a game company wants you to be their CEO? If you keep them afloat, you’re a hero – if you can’t, then nobody could have”.

Stew went one step better, though, and became a partner with Mark Rein*Hagen instead of just the CEO. Oh, and part of the deal was to change the company name to White Wolf Game Studio. Also, Mark had this interesting idea for an RPG: something to do with playing a vampire…

Stewart and Mark in Stew’s office at WW.

Now, I say that kind of lightly, but the reality is that without Stewart adding both his creative talents (vampires being descended from Cain is just one of his contributions) and his head for business, it is entirely possible that Vampire: The Masquerade would never have been published. And beyond that, his wit and grace and patience provided a center to the WW creative team – a calm in the center of a storm of egos, passions, and crazed creative impulses that could have torn the young company apart.

For years, Stew had the idea that I needed to come down to Atlanta and art direct the company, and for years I let him know that I would need a real salary that we both knew just wasn’t possible. I had a little girl I was raising by myself, and was working a full-time job, and teaching, and doing freelance work, of which WW was my biggest client.

In December of 1991, he called me up, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Rich, we can do it. Vampire is huge, we are reprinting it as fast as it is selling out, and next year it’s time to bring you down here.”

Which was great, except, like I said, I was raising my little girl by myself, I had a house and dogs, and all of my support systems were where we were. As well as a girlfriend that I had been dating for only a month. To put it bluntly, I was scared shitless. But I trusted Stewart Wieck. He had never let me down. He told me it would be OK.

We were in ATL and I was in charge of all WW visuals and production in May of ’92.

Keith Winkler, Stew, Ken Cliffe and his chest, Steve Wieck, and me at a WW company retreat.

White Wolf grew, exploded really, and Stew was not just riding herd on all of the expanding crew, he was creating the third game in the World of Darkness, Mage: The Ascension. A game where you change the world by exerting your will and beliefs upon it. Go figure that’s what this guy would come up with.

With three wildly successful games powering the company, and his equally creative and business-savvy brother Steve brought on as CEO, Stewart decided to pursue his dream of WW also being a fiction publishing house. New fiction work for our RPG lines, and also new experimental offerings that might not have been published by the mainstream houses. And my favorite part, republishing the giants that he and I had read so avidly in our early years. Fritz Liebers’s Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser stories, the legendary Harlan Ellison, and the ultimate delight of working with Michael Moorcock and republishing his Eternal Champion novels, including the legendary Elric. Also known as the White Wolf. We had come full circle.

Always, it was Stew who made the deals possible. Stew who juggled what could be done with what needed to be done, and who any of us could go to for a calming talk when things got too crazy. I certainly did!

But nothing lasts forever. Working with writers took up time for writing. And if anybody deserved a chance to recover their personal Muse, it was Stew. He was still connected to WW and working on projects, still always, always, available to talk over phone or email (we would have loved Skype then), but he stepped back from the day to day struggles.

Until, several years ago, he was back! Back with Nocturnal Media, a new company he founded. We immediately went in together on buying the Scarred Lands property from CCP as we had both helped create it back in the day and wanted to team-up again like we had done so many times. And the Stew who could pull publishing deals together returned as well, as both older creators and younger became part of Nocturnal‘s creative circle.

This year at Gen Con, he and I were looking forward to sharing our booth space, our respective companies shoulder to shoulder, he and I shoulder to shoulder once again.

But it was not to be.

Over the years, Stew and I exchanged so many messages. Emails and letters and packages. But most importantly, for years and years he’d send me a message on the anniversary of my first wife’s death, just to let me know he remembered. He always signed them, “Your friend, Stewart Wieck”.

Goodbye, my friend.

BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER!

Dark Eras 2 goes live Thursday, July 6th at noon Eastern US time! Once again, help us decide on which Eras and which game-lines should fill up this Prestige Edition book!

ON SALE!

ON AMAZON:

We’re delighted to announce the opening of our ebook store on Amazon! You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle. Our initial selection includes these fiction anthologies: Vampire: the Masquerade‘s Endless Ages, Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition‘s Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage 2, Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition‘s Truth Beyond Paradox, Chronicles of Darkness‘ God Machine Chronicle, Mummy: The Curse‘s Curse of the Blue Nile, and Beast: The Primordial‘s The Primordial Feast!

And now you can get these books in the Barnes and Noble Nook store too!

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Endless Ages Anthology

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage II

Mage: The Ascension: Truth Beyond Paradox

Chronicles of Darkness: The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology

Mummy: The Curse: Curse of the Blue Nile

Beast: The Primordial: The Primordial Feast Anthology

And here are six more fiction books:

Vampire: The Masquerade: Of Predators and Prey: The Hunters Hunted II Anthology

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Poison Tree

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Songs of the Sun and Moon: Tales of the Changing Breeds

Vampire: The Requiem: The Strix Chronicle Anthology

Werewolf: The Forsaken: The Idigam Chronicle Anthology

Mage: The Awakening: The Fallen World Chronicle Anthology

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://ift.tt/1ZlTT6z

You can now order wave 2 of our Deluxe and Prestige print overrun books, including Deluxe Mage 20th Anniversary, and Deluxe V20 Dark Ages! And Screens…so many Screens!

ON DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

From the massive Chronicles of Darkness: Dark Eras main book, we have pulled this single chapter, Dark Eras: Requiem for Regina (Vampire: The Requiem Elizabethan London 1593). We have shared the world with monsters for millennia. In Elizabeth’s London, vampires built their own empire brick by bloody brick while Elizabeth I cemented her grip on newly Protestant England. Carefully balancing demands from those with Catholic and Lutheran sympathies, she forged a police state. Yet London emerged as a thriving cultural center, and from the crucible emerged a Kindred society forever changed.

On sale in PDF and physical copy PoD versions Wednesday on DTRPG!

What dark secrets do the eldest vampires hold? Find out in Thousand Years of Night for Vampire: The Requiem! Advance PDF version available now on DriveThruRPG.com. http://ift.tt/2sV8lZR

You may think that with a multitude of people coming, going, dying and running away, we’d be tired, done, or ready to give up. Instead, I find myself restless, looking for the next thing. There’s always a next thing, and I for one am not yet ready to die.

– Elder Kincaid, Daeva Crone

This book includes:

• Detailed instructions on creating elder vampires, including how to base chronicles around them

• A look into the lives of elders, how they spend their nights, who they work with, and why including their roles in both their clans and covenants

• New Devotions, Merits, and Rituals for elder vampires

• The kinds of creatures that pose a threat to elder vampires, including Inamorata, Lamia, Sons of Phobos, a new elder conspiracy, and more

From the massive Chronicles of Darkness: Dark Eras main book, we have pulled this single chapter, Dark Eras: To The Strongest (Mage Death of Alexander 330-320 BCE). In the rise and fall of Alexander the Great’s Empire, armies marched and cultures clashed. In the birth pangs of Hellenistic civilization, Awakened sorcerers all over the ancient world met, fought, and joined together. In the chaos of Alexander’s assassination and the wars that followed, Cults became Orders amid conflicts still burning in the present day.

http://ift.tt/2tmTVl6

On sale in PDF and physical copy PoD versions on DTRPG!

From the massive Chronicles of Darkness: Dark Eras main book, we have pulled this single chapter, Dark Eras: Three Kingdoms of Darkness (Changeling and Geist China 220-280). Famine weakens the empire, and war splits it apart. It is an age of ambition and strife, where the hungry dead walk the earth in great numbers, and the Lost must rely on their own kingdoms. Warlords and commoners, ghost-speakers and orphans — who truly serves the Mandate of Heaven?

On sale in PDF and physical copy PoD versions on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2rp8hPL

From the massive Chronicles of Darkness: Dark Eras main book, we have pulled this single chapter, Dark Eras: The Wolf and the Raven (Werewolf and Geist Vikings 700-1100). The Viking expansion across Europe comes at a pivotal time in history, as new faiths rose to challenge the old and new ways threatened to sweep ancient tradition aside. The Forsaken sail with raiders and explorers, seeking new lands to claim and new spirits to conquer, while Sin-Eaters walk the battlefields bringing the honored dead to their final rewards. The world grows larger and more dangerous by the day, but there are great rewards for those brave enough to fight for them.

On sale in PDF and physical copy PoD versions on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2rUjKtX

Curated by Matthew McFarland, developer of Changeling: the Dreaming Twentieth Anniversary Edition and featuring authors such as Myranda Kalis, Wren Handman, and Peter Woodworth, this C20 Anthology of Dreams is on sale in electronic/PDF and physical copy PoD formats on DTRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2snBT0X

We dream, and we tell stories. We dream of love and the sort of person who might complete us. We dream of horror and wake breathless. We dream of magic, of flying through the air, or breathing underwater. We dream of fantastic vistas and amazing monsters.

We dream, and then we wake, and we tell stories. Our dreams create the Kithain, the changelings. Our stories are sustenance.

Now on DTRPG, the EX3 Tomb of Dreams Jumpstart PDF/PoD jumps up for sale!

http://ift.tt/2qdriZU

Once, in the time before the gods forgot their names, when the world was flat and floated on a sea of chaos, there was an age of gleaming cities, untamed wilderness, enlightened devils, greedy spirits, and mighty heroes. This was the age of the Exalted, champions empowered by the highest of gods.

Tomb of Dreams will jumpstart your group’s Exalted game—all you need to start playing Exalted Third Edition is this book, pencils, and 10-sided dice. Included here are the game’s core rules, five pregenerated characters, and a self-contained scenario that can start a new campaign or that Storytellers can use in an ongoing chronicle. And for groups that already have the Exalted Third Edition main rulebook, Tomb of Dreams will serve as an introduction for new players and a quick reference during play—anyone intimidated by that prodigious volume need only read Part 1 of this book to get started.

What legends will they tell of your deeds?

Sailing out of the dark, the V20 Dark Ages Companion Advance PDF is now on sale on DriveThruRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2pX42dq

Travel the long roads and deep seas in search of power and experience danger, or tackle the wilderness to hunt monsters and face death. Settlements large and small dot the black expanse with the promise of sanctuary, life, and community. These bastions of civilization present cold comfort, when playing host to vampire warlords and sadistic Cainite faiths. Whether led by a Prince, a coordinated belief, or hounded by monsters from without and within — no domain is truly the same as another.

Dark Ages Companion includes:

• Domains scattered across the world, from small fiefdoms to massive cities. Bath, Bjarkarey, Constantinople, Rome, Mogadishu, and Mangaluru each receive coverage.

• Apocrypha including plot hooks, new Paths, and mysteries to explore in your games.

• A how-to guide on building a domain within your chronicle, including events and servants necessary to make a domain as functional or dysfunctional as you wish.

• A study on warfare in the Dark Ages period, so combat in your chronicles can gain authenticity and lethality.

Bill Bridge’s new W20 novel, The Song of Unmaking, is on sale in PDF/ePub/PoD versions on DriveThruRPG.com: http://ift.tt/2qXQH9f and in ebook form on Amazon: http://ift.tt/2qpQM2V !

The fabric of reality is cracking. Fissures appear in thin air, glowing with balefire. Something is scratching on the other side, pressing, beginning to break through….

The Wyrm’s corruption finds its way into the hearts of humans and Garou alike. Even an ultra-rational techno-cratic scientist can fall sway to its lies. Channeling his hate and resentment through the most sophisticated machine ever created, Basil Czajka has turned a tool designed to peer deep into the heart of the quantum universe into a nursery for the hatching of a horror — a creature whose birth cry is destined to unmake Gaia’s Song of Creation.

The only ones standing in his way are One-Song, a broken-down old Theurge, and Lord Albrecht, whose heed-less anger might be the very weapon the enemy needs to crack the egg and free the Unmaker.

The Chronicles of Darkness: Dark Eras Companion has arrived in PDF and PoD physical book versions at DriveThruRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2pygIL7

The Dark Eras Companion presents eleven new Eras for the Chronicles of Darkness. Stretching from Ancient Rome and Egypt through the Black Death, the Thirty Years War, the Reconstruction, and the Russian Revolution, the Companion showcases even more of the secret history of this eldritch world. Included in each era are “snapshots” of the various supernatural creatures, including vampires, changelings, mummies, and demons. Also included are lists of inspirational media to help you put these Eras in context for your troupe.

Open the Dark Eras Companion and take another look back in time.

CONVENTIONS! Discussing GenCon plans. August 17th – 20th, Indianapolis. Every chance the booth will actually be 20? x 30? this year that we’ll be sharing with friends. We’re looking at new displays this year, like a back drop and magazine racks for the brochure(s).

In November, we’ll be at Game Hole Con in Madison, WI. More news as we have it, and here’s their website: http://ift.tt/RIm6qP

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM ROLLICKING ROSE (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

The Realm (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Dragon-Blooded (Exalted 3rd Edition)

C20 Ready Made Characters (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Redlines

Kithbook Boggans (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

DtD Night Horrors: Enemy Action (Demon: the Descent)

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

Second Draft

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Development

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

SL Ring of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Ring of Spiragos (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition, featuring the Huntsmen Chronicle (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

M20 Cookbook (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Pugmire Pan’s Guide for New Pioneers (Pugmire)

Scion: Origins (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)

WW Manuscript Approval:

Editing:

Wraith: the Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition

Book of Freeholds (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

BtP Beast Player’s Guide (Beast: the Primordial)

W20 Changing Ways (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

VtR Half-Damned (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

V20 Dark Ages Jumpstart (Vampire: the Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition)

Post-Editing Development:

Arms of the Chosen (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Indexing:

Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Beckett’s Jyhad Diary

W20 Pentex Employee Indoctrination Handbook

Cavaliers of Mars

Wraith 20

W20 Changing Ways

Ex3 Monthly Stuff

Storypath Brochure

VDA Jumpstart

Scion Origins

Ring of Spiragos

Ex 3 Arms of the Chosen – Sketches coming in.

Beast PG – AD’d and contracted.

VtR Half Damned – getting artists lined up

Marketing Stuff

In Layout

M20 Art Book – In progress…

Prince’s Gambit – New Cards out for playtesting

Gen Con Stuff – 2017 Brochure and 2017 Storypath Brochure

C20 Jumpstart

Proofing

CtL Huntsmen Chronicle Anthology

At Press

Beckett Screen – Shipped to shipper.

Pugmire – Shipping to fulfillment shipper.

Pugmire Screen – Shipping to fulfillment shipper.

Pugmire Cards & Dice – Shipping to fulfillment shipper.

Wise and the Wicked PF & 5e – Printing.

Dagger of Spiragos (5e) – Out to backers.

Dagger of Spiragos (PF) – Out to backers.

V20 Dark Ages Companion – PoD proofs coming.

BtP Building a Legend – Files uploaded and processing.

Monarchies of Mau Early Access – PoD proofs ordered.

Dark Eras: Requiem for Regina – PDF and PoD on sale this Wednesday on DTRPG.

Dark Eras: Lily Sabre and Thorn – PoD files uploading.

M20 Book of Secrets – Errata ending this week.

VTR: Thousand Years of Night – Advance PDF on sales on DTRPG, gathering errata.

TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: To absent friends.

#Onyx Path Publishing

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amzbailey · 7 years ago

Text

very important personal post (for Pride Month)

I’ve been working on this for several days and I think I’ve finally said enough about it, so let’s just get right into it!

In honor of pride month, and because this is my Tumblr and probably the one social media outlet that I feel is my personal safe space, I feel that now’s as good a time as any to officially put this out there.

I identify as bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. I won’t go as far as to say pansexual at this point (mostly because I haven’t really had a proper education on what the main differences are between the two terms, and the definition of bisexual really seems to cover all my bases). But over the past two years, I’ve become more comfortable with embracing my bisexuality as part of my personal identity.

Although this is the first time I’ve “come out” and said it in a not-so-private setting, I’ve been more open about it recently to close friends, and I even went as far as to briefly mention it to my mom. But there are a number of reasons why I’m not “out” to most people. The first and most obvious reason is that I think it might devastate my dad and upset other conservative/Christian family members and friends, and I really am not ready to deal with that type of reaction. However, the second and probably more paralyzing reason for not coming out publicly is my fear that this will be the response: “Wow Amy, that sounds like you’re just trying to include yourself in this ostracized group for no reason—obviously you’re not actually bi because you’ve never even been with a girl and wouldn’t know what it’s like. And even if you were, it wouldn’t matter because you’re married to a straight guy, so why even mention it?”. Which, to be honest, sounds about right in a number of ways. It doesn’t really make that much of a difference in my life because I am happily married to a man. In fact, it is also true that I’ve never dated or been in a relationship with a woman, so how the hell did I come to this conclusion, and why does it even matter?

Well, honestly, I’ve been aware of my attraction to both men and women since I was a young teenager. In fact, I know exactly who my first celebrity gay crush was—Hilary Duff. I would literally stare at her pictures in the liner notes from The Lizzie McGuire Movie album and Metamorphosis album for hours and didn’t know why. It was pretty damn gay, honestly.

However, in case you weren’t aware, I was raised in a very conservative Christian home in a deeply Protestant, traditional suburb community with mostly homophobic friends and family members. Anything I may have felt that would accurately be defined as “attraction” to girls was always reduced to something--anything--else. I just “really liked her as a person” or “envied her beauty”, or “admired her from afar”.

It wasn’t until I was about 15 or 16 when my group of friends learned the hilarious no-homo term “hetero-man crush” from our favorite YouTube channel Barats and Bereta (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiXhQUym0fA in case you’re curious), and started “joking” about our own hetero-woman crushes (needless to say I had a lot on my list) that I really started to even consider the idea that I could possibly be attracted to women. Because there was no question that I was attracted to men. I don’t even know how many guys I had “dated” or had some time of romantic/physical relationship by the time I started dating Jackson (probably 9 or 10), but everyone who knew me at 16 knew that I really liked boys. Although, in retrospect, I’m not even sure that was it--I think I really just liked making out--but we’ll never know now, and there’s no real point in thinking about it.

Anyway, moving on...

In order to really convey how I came to this very personal conclusion about my sexuality despite my hetero-normative monogamy, I have to take you back a few years for a little more context… And maybe even dig into some other personal aspects of my life like my spirituality and religion! Whee!!

I think it’s important to briefly note that the first time in my life that I ever even interacted with a gay person was in middle school. I had dated this boy named Justin for a few months in 6th grade (we went to the Valentine’s Day dance together), then we broke up, then we got back together in 7th grade (maybe? honestly, I don’t remember), but eventually broke up for good. I do remember in 8th grade, after my parents had already pulled me out of public school to homeschool me (another story for another day), my friend Sarah told me that Justin was now gay. My initial reaction was complete devastation and outrage because the way Sarah had phrased it basically implied that dating me had been so terrible that Justin didn’t want to date girls anymore. I had “turned him gay”. Not only was this a blow to my already fragile middle school self-esteem (because in my naive 13-year-old mind, I must have been so manly looking and ugly that he lost all attraction to women altogether), but also in an equally naive and warped way, it was my chance to save someone’s soul, and it would be a sin for me not to do/say something. Again, please keep in mind that this was my first encounter with homosexuality, and my parents had always taught me in was a disgusting sin, so my response to this news was to send Justin an email (yes, this was pre-Myspace and even pre-Xanga days, my friends) telling him that I would be praying for him to repent and change his ways so he wouldn’t go to hell for being gay.

Yikes. Trust me, I shudder every time I tell this story because of its absurd cringe-worthiness. But it’s also kind of funny, especially considering who I am today and who my friends are. Even so, despite later attempts at communication with Justin many years later to apologize for my 13-year-old hysteria, we never spoke or saw each other again.

Anyway… I include that story to demonstrate just how extensive my ignorance was and how sheltered I had been. I didn’t even associate with or really know anyone who was knowingly gay until college. That’s how isolated I was from the LGBT+ community, and that’s why I never even considered the possibility that I could possibly not be straight. It just wasn’t a thing.

I was 16 years old when I met the man that I would marry. I was 17 years old when we started dating.

Jackson and I officially met in the summer of 2007 and started crushing pretty hard on each other. The first time we bonded was a church youth trip to Six Flags, where my “friends” at the time had essentially deserted me, so I made a rather brave move as an introvert to hang out with some new social group—three boys named David, Jackson, and Zach that I didn’t know very well—in hopes to flirt with at least one of them and maybe even get a boyfriend out of the deal. By the end of the day, somehow Jackson and I ended up riding rollercoasters alone, talking about nerdy-ass roleplay forums, video games, and cartoons. I thought he was adorable, charming and funny, and he thought “wow this hot girl thinks I’m funny”. I thought we were a perfect match, but unfortunately, it wasn’t 100% reciprocated because he was apparently interested in someone else. To this day we’re a little foggy on the time line, but he officially started dating someone else (Kim) a few days/weeks later, so when I found out, I begrudgingly backed off. We remained (awkward) friends throughout the summer, I dated a few guys throughout fall and winter, and almost a year later, we finally “became a couple” in May 2008.

From the moment we “made it official” via text, Jackson and I stayed together. We weren’t on and off, and we never took a break. We continued our relationship through the end of high school and through college. We went on vacations with each other’s families, we lived in the same dorm buildings for 2 years, and ultimately stayed together through it all. He proposed to me in December 2013 and we were married in November 2014. We are—quite miraculously—still together and still very happy.

I say “quite miraculously” because statistically and by all other odds, we shouldn’t still be together. For starters, we’re by definition “high school sweethearts”, which already is doomed by statistics. It’s very rare for couples to last through high school and college. But what’s even more astonishing is that our relationship was completely embedded and grounded in Christianity. We met at church. His parents were in my dad’s Sunday school class. Most of our “first dates” were at youth group functions and on church trips. On May 11, 2008, Jackson said he really wanted to be more than friends, but he was worried that it wasn’t God’s will, so we promised each other that we’d pray for God to reveal whether or not we should take the next step. And we both agreed 2 nights later that “well, He didn’t say no!” and therefore, it must have been God-approved!

Throughout high school and college, our faith held strong. We remained deeply involved in church. We attended and hosted Bible studies, we led small groups, we volunteered to teach high schoolers in our youth group and stayed with them for 4 years... We almost gave up everything in 2013 to start a church with our religious mentor at the time. Through it all, Jackson and I were united in our faith and religiosity. It was all we ever knew and all we ever wanted.

After we got married in 2014... Things started to shift. Almost the first thing to go was church. It wasn’t because of our marriage that we stopped attending church regularly—it was mainly because of our newfound freedom. We no longer had to go. Our small group kids had graduated. Our Sunday school class fell apart. Worship was dull and generic. The sermons were irrelevant and repetitive. Also, there was a lot of shit going down at our home church. Corruption. Hypocrisy. Church politics that were far beyond what we were accustomed to seeing. There were lots of reasons why we stopped going, but at the end of the day, it’s because we didn’t have to anymore, so we realized we no longer wanted to and simply chose to stop going. But that didn’t mean we weren’t still Christians. Church attendance does not equal faithfulness... right?

Simultaneously, there were a number of deeper things going on, both on the surface and beneath. During one of my last semesters in college (spring 2013), I took two classes that challenged my faith more than I ever could have imagined: Psychology and Religion, and Jesus In and Outside the Gospels. If I’m honest, those put the initial seeds of religious doubt in my mind long before we stopped going to church. These professors never went out of their way to give reasons for students to denounce their faiths... But the knowledge I gained and the data I was presented with definitely left their mark. Psychology and Religion focused on the psychological and emotional effects that religion has on individuals. Jesus In and Outside the Gospel introduced me to the confusing process of Christian canonization and the even more confounding non-canonical gospels and records of Jesus.

At the same time these major doubts were marinating in my mind (for example, “was my religious conversion nothing more than a result of the manipulated environment that pastors are specifically instructed to create in order to gain converts due to its psychological effectiveness?”), my best friend came out as gay. Now, I had already vocalized my criticism about the supposed Christian approach to homosexuality, and had personally concluded that Christians were absolutely wrong to condemn and exclude that entire community. However, having a gay best friend and dealing with that theological dilemma was a completely new area for me. I had a few gay friends and acquaintances at this point (for example, during my sophomore year of college, I decided that my pansexual roommate would be a perfect person to witness to and hopefully baptize one day!), but this was different. It struck far closer to home.

It was about this time that I made the decision to never again attend a church that preached that homosexuality was a sin—which basically said that I was done with church. It became a major riff between me and my family—a frequent topic of discussion and debate that still remains today. Despite how open-minded my mother has become in recent years, we just discussed the other day that she still believes that homosexuality at its core is a sin and should never be “celebrated”. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach, but… anyway, that’s a topic for another day.

It was around this time of confusion and questioning that Jackson and I moved an hour away from our hometown so he could be closer to his job. This physical distance now combined with the spiritual and emotional distance from our Christian upbringing really started to take its toll. My parents worried about my faith and constantly begged me to find a church to attend. But Jackson and I had no interest in going back for a number of reasons. For one thing, we both had full time jobs now and we cherished our weekends too much to sacrifice a chance to sleep in. But for the most part, I was finding more and more reasons to question Christianity as a whole, and I felt more and more distant from it. It’s important to note that while I was voicing my faith doubts, Jackson was beginning to do the same. He claims that if I hadn’t started questioning, he may not have either. The two of us slowly started letting go of our old Christian selves to take on new ideas and belief systems.

With this newfound open-endedness, I decided to start expanding my horizons. I not only opened my mind to the possibility that Christianity was not entirely true, but I also began to consider the authenticity of other “alternative” lifestyles—more specifically, LGBT+. I rekindled a friendship with a former acquaintance I met through Tumblr years before who now identified as transgender. I listened to her story and opened myself to her insight. Other friends of mine also came out as LGBT. I witnessed their struggles too, as many of them also grew up in similar communities where their new identities would most likely not be accepted. It was very challenging, but also… encouraging. It was helpful to know I wasn’t alone in questioning everything I had ever known, and it was amazing to see how they coped and dealt with it.

Even so, somewhere in the midst of all of this, I began having a major identity crisis, and I fell into a deep depression full of anxiety and fear. Up to this point, my entire life—my identity, my thoughts, my hopes and aspirations, my relationships, everything—was completely embedded and intertwined in my faith. Everything I did, I did as a result of or in some connection with my faith. Every friend I had, I believed that there was a divine reason for their presence in my life. Everything that happened to me was God-ordained, and while I did have some control over my future, it was ultimately a part of God’s plan, and I just needed to follow His Will for my life. Everything I did, I did it for God, or at least I tried to.

This way of life became very unclear and ambiguous, however, when I started questioning the authenticity of the Bible. This also became very difficult when my prayers were no longer being answered. Everything became complicated, and I started to fear and question everything.

I would love to expand on this part of my life (because I have SO MUCH TO SAY about Christianity as an institution and its brutal and toxic effects on my emotional and mental state), but that’s a story for another day. The main point for this story is that I was questioning and doubting literally every single aspect of my life with one major exception: Jackson. He was my rock. He was my life preserver in my ocean of terror, the only thing keeping me from drowning. Don’t misunderstand—my friends were a huge support and I don’t know where I would be now if they hadn’t been there as well. But Jackson was my constant, probably because he was always physically there as well as emotionally. We were miles away from home, miles away from our friends and our support system, but we had each other. He watched my world turn upside down and witnessed my sanity slip away. He stood by me through it all and helped me come out the other side. All the while, he was dealing with his own doubts and spiritual questioning, too. He couldn’t give me the answers I needed because he didn’t have them either. But he was there, and he loved me. Everything else was in shambles, but I knew where he stood, and I knew where I stood. I didn’t know if God loved me or if my parents loved me, but I knew Jackson did. I didn’t know if I loved God anymore, but I knew that I loved Jackson.

This went on for several months and I finally sought professional help from a counselor. It took some time, but after seeing her for a few weeks, I finally started letting go of some of the existential anxieties and accepted the fact that it was okay to not be a Christian anymore. It was okay to question things, it was okay to change my mind. It was okay to not know what I believed. It was okay to not be sure about anything. It was okay to be myself, no matter what. With this new sense of freedom, I really started to explore more about myself. And that’s finally when I allowed myself to bring my sexuality into question.

Again, I had always known I wasn’t completely straight. I had several crushes on many girls, celebrity and friend alike. But I kept coming back to the fact that I was in love with Jackson, wholeheartedly. Even if I was attracted to girls, it wouldn’t matter, right? I had never even had a romantic encounter with a woman, and I never would because I had no desire in leaving Jackson. So why even bother thinking about it?

Early in the process of questioning, I told Jackson that I might be bisexual, hoping that he wouldn’t react negatively. He wasn’t surprised at all and was actually incredibly supportive. “You’re still Amy and you’re still my wife—why would that change anything?” In fact, the only thing it changed was the frequency that we would point out cute girls to each other in public, or discuss the hotness of Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, or Anna Kendrick. In a strange way, you could almost say my “gayness” brought my husband and I even closer.

While that was overwhelmingly comforting, I still had a lot of anxiety about the validity of my bisexuality. If I claimed this new identity, would I have regrets? Could I live with the fact that I had never been with a woman? What if being with a woman was better? I would never know, but I would always wonder. What good could come from just wondering? What if I was overwhelmed by temptation? Would I leave Jackson? In retrospect, some of my anxiety was valid, but most of it was silly stuff that happens to everyone in long-term relationships. I could make the same arguments for other men, too. What if I was overwhelmed by temptation for another man and left Jackson? That wouldn’t be because of my “straightness”—it would be a very natural curiosity followed by a selfish action. So why would it be any different if it were a woman? If I truly loved Jackson and we both wanted to stay together, we just had to make the effort to overcome whatever came our way.

In late 2015/early 2016, right in the middle of my deep spiritual depression and sexual identity crisis, I was at Alex’s house with a handful of friends without Jackson (I think he was having a guy’s night with some of his friends). To help ease my anxiety and force myself to have a good time, I got super drunk really fast. I had already shared my half-revelation of my sexuality with this group of friends, and in a very uncharacteristically bold moment, I started making out with my friend Sara who also identified as bisexual. At the time, it was awesome and very hot! But the next morning and for days afterwards, guilt overwhelmed me. It’s important to note, though, that I didn’t feel guilty because I made out with a girl (because it felt surprisingly natural and normal), but because I, a married person, drunkenly kissed someone that was not my spouse. And I was afraid to tell Jackson, despite the fact that I had been very intoxicated at the time, and I knew he’d forgive me. Even if I hadn’t been drunk off my ass, I knew he would still love me for it, and yet the thought that he might leave terrified me.

When I eventually told him (probably 3 days later because I’m not good at keeping secrets from him), he was more upset that he wasn’t there with me than anything else. But he also admitted feeling jealous, just as he would if I had shared a kiss with a guy. We had always half-jokingly discussed before that we’d be down for a threesome with another girl, but honestly, I don’t think I could emotionally handle sharing Jackson with anyone. And, as we found out with the Sara incident, he’s not sure he could handle sharing me either.

Anyway... I kind of went off on a tangent there... I probably need to just wrap up, as this is getting waaaay too long.

To conclude this very disjointed, convoluted story… I’m bisexual. It may not matter to anyone else, and it may not change anything in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I am well aware that many in the LGBT+ community would be hesitant to include me because I’m monogamously with a man and therefore have never and will never experience the kind of discrimination and bigotry they deal with on a daily basis. And while that would be deeply upsetting to me (because my love for the LGBT+ community is deeply rooted in me, not just because I consider myself a part of it, but because so many people I love are LGBT and I will fight tooth and nail for every cause every time), I wouldn’t blame them. The last thing I want is an ostracized group who already struggles with being taken seriously to think of me as some straight interloper trying to claim gay identity like a white girl wearing a tear dress and claiming her 1/16 Cherokee blood as justification.

But it matters to me. My sexuality is a part of me and has always been a part of me. I understand myself better now by acknowledging and accepting my bisexuality. Even if I never had a chance to explore it and may never have an opportunity to experience what a sexual relationship with a woman would be, I’m still perfectly content because I already found my perfect partner and he makes me happy.

Growing up, I always clung to the idea of finding my “soulmate”. And while I’m not as sure now about whether a soulmate exists for every person, I know without a doubt that I found mine. As I said before, it’s pretty miraculous that Jackson and I are still together considering how drastically we’ve both changed since high school. When we started dating, I was a 17-year-old conservative, relatively homophobic Christian who never in a million years would consider herself non-heterosexual. When we started dating, Jackson was a 16-year-old libertarian/conservative Christian who was slightly less homophobic, but pretty sure he was pretty straight. We were kids who had been raised in an environment with a very narrow perspective of the world, but as we grew up together and experienced what the real world was like, we matured. We opened our minds, we challenged our beliefs, and we became adults. Together.

Through it all, despite all my spiritual doubts and questions, I do still believe one thing is still true: I do think God put us together. Whether he kept us together doesn’t really matter, because we kept us together. It hasn’t always been easy, but our bond has never faltered. In fact, I told him the other day that even if my upbringing had been different and I would have explored my sexuality at an earlier age, and even if I had dated girls and guys, I still very well could have ended up with him. We’ll never know of course, but Jackson, despite his ever-skeptical personality, said he agreed. He calls what we have a “cosmic bond” as opposed to being “soulmates”. I think I like that better, too.

Anyway.

So, Happy Pride to all my LGBT+ friends and family! I consider myself an “honorary” member, and it means more to me than you’ll ever know!

#personal #pride 2017 #sorry its so long #yikes #oh well #bisexual

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maximabdullahhorki-blog · 8 years ago

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If this was a movie I would be alright. I would be walking around with a couple of scars on my body. Instead I've had over 9 surgeries in the past six months, I don't have a spleen anymore and I lost both my legs ; let's not forget to mention half my colon was removed. If this was a movie I would be fine. But this isn't a movie and I was lucky enough to not get not 1 other chance but 3 more chances. I lost my life 3 times in these past 6 months. Once one the way to the hospital, once more 20 minutes after they saved my life and once more 2 months later while my mother was sitting in the other room. Now I don't know why I of all people would get this many chances. I was a criminal. I hurt people in many different ways. From hurting them physically, to emotionally hurting them and even to psychologically pain. I ask myself this at least 100 times a day, "why was I given this chance to live again". Well first let me tell you what has happened to me and then maybe we can figure it out together. December 2nd 2016, around 8 am in the morning I get a call from my friend and I won't mention names so we'll just call him Jay. Jay was having a problem with another friend of mine who we'll call Ray. Now, Jay and Ray were arguing about some nonsense and I really do mean nonsense. I decided that I'll talk to Ray to calm things down, the complete opposite happened. Me and Ray started fighting and while we were on the phone arguing Jay was on his way to pick me up. Things got heated between me and Ray. Threats got thrown, disrespect was shoved down throats and worst of all, a beautiful friendship was about to be torn. Jay picked me up from my house and we started to go towards Rays' house. Now bare with me because I don't remember everything due to my injuries but this is what I was told. We got to his house and I was ready to talk to him to figure out what the issue was and Jay was angry. Things got said on the phone again, "fuck you"s got thrown, "you're a bitch", "I'm gonna fuck you up", and worst of all "I'm going to kill you". Finally we were face to face and now at this point as you can imagine tensions were high. Ray pulls a gun out and aims it at my face. I thought I was going to die, so being the idiot I was I embraced it. He shot the gun 2-3 times and nothing came out. Turns out he was shooting blanks. Now if you don't know what blanks are they're bullets that just make the sound used for hunting to scare bears off. Once I realized that he would have really just killed me then and there I got heated. I ran to the car and grabbed a small axe because I saw Ray pull out a knife. I swung the axe not to hit him but to make him back off. We got into a scuffle and before I knew it i felt blood dripping down my pants. I then felt the warmth of the blood come down my stomach and again I felt the warmth on my arm. Before I knew it i had be stabbed 3 times. I remember looking at him and saying you were my brother. I turn to see where Jay is and he's fighting ray's friend. Jay sees me hurt going to the car, so he turns to Ray and starting fighting him. I wish he would have just gotten in the car when he saw me bleeding to death. Instead he gets stabbed as well. Once in the heart, once in his lungs, once in his liver and one more in his belly. But even though that happened to him he still managed to throw me in the car and start driving me to the hospital. I remember him telling me were going to be alright but really I felt no pain. I was tired and I thought maybe I should take a nap until we get to the hospital. That was the first time I died. Jay safely got us to the hospital before he collapsed. That's the first time he lost his life. Oh silly me I forgot to mention. He got those second chances too. They brought me back but my hearts stopped again. They saved me once more before transferring me and Jay to Royal Columbian Hospital. Once we arrived there they were able to identify both of us and called our families. Jay was in the clear after his surgeries. For me it was different. Once my parents arrived to the hospital they told them that I have about 10mins to live, so they should go say their goodbyes. They did and the way my mother explained to me was, "you weren't my little Hamo anymore, you looked like a pile of bloody meat". They waited in the waiting room and they saw the surgeons approach them, my mother broke down for she thought he was about to say he's gone. Instead he came out shocked not believing it himself and started saying "He's surviving". They took me into an OR and started doing what they had to do for me to survive. That went well and all the bleed came to a stop. But this was what was wrong with me now. My liver had completely shut down, so did my kidney and they took out a part of my colon and my whole spleen. They were telling my parents if I make it thru the healing and rehab that I would need to be hooked up to a dialysis machine for 17 hours a day. That meant no more social like at all, couldn't go do the things I loved to do ; like workout, swimming, hiking, or just going to dinner with my beautiful girlfriend but her part hasn't come up yet. Fast forward 9 days. December 11th 2016 was the day they gave up on my legs. They tried everything and nothing worked. They amputated both my legs. Keep in mind the hospital thought it would be best for everyone if they put me under into a coma. They didn't want me to suffer through the pain but what they didn't know was that I could hear them speaking. I heard them say it's time to amputat the legs and no matter how hard I tried to scream no.. my words were not heard. Let's fast forward to December 25th 2016 also known as Christmas. That was the day that I woke up for the first time and I had no idea what had happened. I see my family around me and for that bliss moment nothing mattered but them. Everything was still fragile in my body. This is the 3rd time now. My heart just randomly started to drop and the nurse was scream to tell me to stay awake but i reallt felt like this was my time to go. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I was expecting to see god and him telling me youre going to hell but no..it was just .. dark. I felt so alone and i thought that this is bullshit. I want to come back and be alive again. Next thing i knew i saw a light. That light was from my room in ICU, again they saved me. Now let's skip to new years eve, that was the day they took me out of ICU and I was feeling good. Well as good as I could at the time. This also meant I'm going to a new unit which means I can have people come see me. Some time passed by and Jay finally came to see me. I cried when I saw him because in my mind even thought he started the problem and I did nothing but make it worse he was my guardian angel. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here and I'll always have love for him. We talked a bit, then he asked me if I wanted to talk to my gf and I was so excited and nervous to talk to her because I didn't know if she was going to leave me because of the fact that I don't have any legs. I called her of Jay's phone and she thought it was him but right when I said "hi" it was over, she started crying telling me how much she was worried about me and how she misses and how she loves me. Me going into this conversation I thought she was going to leave me but she didn't, she's another guardian angel that I have in my life. Days n night my mother would not leave my side and if that meant sleeping on a chair just to get rest she's all for it. I went thru hell they once again wanted to do surgery on both my stumps. So they did. A week later they had to stick a tube thru my ribs and into my lungs because there was fluid built up. Then they put a catheter in my piss hole that went down to my bladder because I couldn't pee. I was going through hell but momma never left my side. Fast forward to February 6th 2017, this was the day that I went to rehab, so this meant I'm a step closer to home. This didn't last long for the fact that the people there knew I would be better off healing at home and they were right. So we came up with a plan. They were going to teach me everything that essential and then they were going to set me free. And that's exactly what happened. I got home thing finally I'm going to stay at home but guess what, life wasn't done fucking with me. My stump on the left side had a cut on it. It wasn't just a cut. My bone was slowly ripping thru my skin. By night four it had already doubled in size times 3. So had to go through another surgery again and while all this is happening I'm still sitting there thinking "why am I here"? Recovery took three week and guess what, the right side started to do the same thing. Two week recovery. All these surgeries had one thing in common. Every doctor,surgeon , nurse said the same thing. You're a miracle. You shouldn't be alive right now. You are going against science in every way. We thought your kidneys and liver had failed but they fixed themselves up within 2 weeks. All of this that happened to you, you should be dead. And I agree with them I should be dead but I'm not. Now back to the question "why am i here" ? To tell my story so that no one does anything stupid like I did. It's not worth doing all this shit. What did we get out of this except for a broken friendship that will never be repaired, me going through all that, Jay had to get heart surgery. All over nonsense. Now I know why I'm here. It's to save someone before they do something that will change lives for the worst, forever. Just remember this isn't a movie. One stab wound can kill you, one gun shot could end it all. Fuck all this fight. What happened to the peace and love. We need to change as a community. We need to stop this violence. Please learn from my mistakes. You won't see it coming but when it does come it'll be too late

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samanthaannmarie · 7 years ago

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I would like to give you a heads up before you begin to read this. It will be fairly long for my first post and i expect it will run off on tangents as i plan to write in train of thought. Also please bear with the second person style. As much as this is a public address I am also writing this to you the one reading it. i hope you stay with me till the end. or should i say my beginning.

Lets start with this with my name; my given name. My name is Joshua. I am in all seriousness strongly considering transitioning form male to female. The purpose of this blog is to help me work through these thoughts and feelings and to hopefully help me arrive at the right choice for myself. I hope it will also stand as a record as to the path I've taken in the hopes of helping others who might walk it with me.

I plan to give you a fair amount of my history so as to give you an idea of where I come from and where I think I'm going. So let me start with before I was born.

I am my mothers oldest child; i was born in September of 1989. the irony of the path I'm on is that I was supposed to be a girl. the doctors told my mom that she was having a girl and she chose the name Samantha Ann-Marie for me, hence the user name. My birth was not a simple one though. i was removed via Caesarian section because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. One might say I've been into rope play since before i was born. (buh dum duh tchsss) That was the easiest part of my first few years though.. I was born with an inguinal hernia that took several operations to repair and an undescended testicle which was tacked in place. The problems these have caused have tortured me my entire life. the greatest of which is that because of the pain the caused me I was sitting up as a newborn because it was the least painful position for me. this caused the over development of the tendons in my back and legs which cause me immeasurable pain to this day. I tell you all this not to elicit pity but to help you understand where i come from and how these events have shaped my choices. You do not know a man until you have walked a day in his shoes and i hope to one day walk a day in heels.

The next big think that happened to me as a child was I almost died again. I was almost two and my mom had me on a greyhound bus and a dog licked me in the eye and i went into anaphylactic shock; that was my second Christmas in the hospital. (that trend continues to this day as every December i go to the hospital for an asthma attack) so that is where my asthma and allergies start. the severity of which limited my childhood to a fifteen minute radius of a hospital. I also haven't been able to have a pet cat odog either since that incident. The biggest problem with how severe my asthma and allergies are is the medication i require to function on a daily basis. The steroid use has caused the most common side effects over a long period of use such as weight gain and mild breast growth along with stunted growth in other areas.

So at this point your probably getting tired of my medical history. especial since the reason you reading this is the MTF or HRT tag, so lets get into the first time i can remember questioning my gender role, a story of masturbation, role play, bdsm, and locked doors.

The first time i masturbated was when i was seven years old. The story of how I found out what masturbation was and how to do it is probably not typical. So i was at my best friends house and his older brother (13 at the time) was showing us the dirty side of the AOL chat rooms. The three of us ended up role playing with a woman in a bdsm situation. she was tied up being spanked while we fingered her pussy and she asked if we were getting off to her being tied up. this prompted us to ask our shining role model what getting off was. He explained how maturation worked by moving your hand up and down your penis until you came using soap as a lubricant. me being the impressionable and eager kid i was decided tor try it in the bathroom later that day under the guise of doing a number two. Now some of you might of tried you use soap at one point and you know that it is not the best idea. for those of you who haven't, i would strongly discourage the practice. So here i was masturbating for the first time in secret at my best friends house painfully using bar soap as a lube; and though the pain my stoburness won out and i had my first organs at seven. But here's the thing, my mind kept going back to that girl who was tied up. I wanted to know what it was like to be her, what a finger in my pussy was like, what having my breast fondled would feel like.

Those feelings grew stronger the longer I dwelled on them. it makes me think of when i was older and i had one of those little black and white tv/am/fm radio combos you could get for like thirty bucks.. i had it plugged in at the foot of my bed and would listen to barbie girl by Aqua over and over again quietly at night when everyone was asleep. Its still on of my favorite songs to this day. Do you remember those Avon books they used to leave with the paper or in your mail box? I do; in particular I remember looking through them and thinking about how pretty i could be if i could wear makeup like the girls who molded in them. the big thin was how they always had that add about how you could join the Avon team an be an independent woman. I remember asking my mom if i could work part time for them selling makeup after school. since i grew up in the suburbs i thought it would be the perfect job. for me because i could ride my bike to make deliveries. i also thought that if i could get the samples the girl i was friend with up the road could teach me how to do makeup and many even help me dress up. i also remember there was no dividing line yet and all those thoughts were what everyone thought about. Alas the innocence of you the is scratched away as people start drawing lines in the sand. the first line was when my little brother got in trouble for wearing our younger sisters makeup. Boys don't wear makeup is what has been stuck in my head since then.

You may of noticed that I don't mention my dad much. Well let me give you the low down on that. My biological father bailed before i was born. i tracked him down when i was twelve and tried to have a relationship with him especially after i found out i had another brother and sister but he has kept his distance and ignored me for the most part. my mom married when i was about one to my stepdad. then my brother an sister came along and he failed as a human being. in his mind i was his so, my brother was not his son and he never wanted a daughter. i think three kids got to him because he tried killing himself by sliding his wrists in the tub. all i can remember from that that incident was standing outside the apartment complex while my mom handled things. when i was about eight things finally hit the boiling point. His drug an alcohol problems had gotten bad and him and mom would fight all the time. One night i was woken up to them fighting and i walked out and told him to leave and he did. he blamed him leaving on me but mom assured me even though i said what i did it was her decision to kick him out. the usual divorce and custody battle followed and it all came to an end one night when my siblings and i were over for visitation. He made this god awful frozen pizza that tasted of nothing but oregano. my brother being the picky eater he is, refused to eat it and my dad grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and picked him up off the ground and shook him. after he lost custody he ran off to Maine to avoid child support. that will be all i will say on that subject.

Around this time in my life i was told that i needed to step up and be the man of the house. I also had a nervous break down and stopped smiling.

I was always a smart kid and my mom tried to make things better for me by sending me to a private school in 4th grade. It was the worst decision she had ever made in my childhood. I was horrendously bullied that year, so much so that i fell into shirt and picked him up off the ground and shook him. after he lost custody he ran off to Maine to avoid child support. that will be all i will say on that subject.

Around this time in my life i was told that i needed to step up and be the man of the house. I also had a nervous break down and stopped smiling.

I was always a smart kid and my mom tried to make things better for me by sending me to a private school in 4th grade. It was the worst decision she had ever made in my childhood. I was horrendously bullied that year, so much so that i fell into i practice to this day, to look into ones self. She also got me a scholarship to a marine biology summer camp where i got to go collect specimens from the Indian river an mosquito lagoon, recored their date and submit to wildlife management to help keep track of populations. the best summer of my life so far.

Around this time another line was drawn by my peers. when talking about women and sex with some other guys i broached the topic of wondering what the girl feels like during sex and what it would feel like to be the girl. The proposal was unanimously rejected and the topic shelved for i did not want to be rejected as i was just starting to come back out of my shell.

Ah middle school the time when you start to figure out what your going to be when you grow up and start to plan for high school. the years i gave up. My algebra background allowed me to win the weekly math competition the school held almost every week; so my math teacher recommend me for a trial program in statistics in 8th grade. Back tracking to 6th grade i started taking graphic design and stuck with it through middle school. i also took home economics in order to get better at cooking and sewing and i though no on would bug me for doing girly things because it was looked at as an easy class. But back to 8th grade, the year i lost hope in the school system. it started with the elective wheel and pairing dance and graphic design. i took graphic design and for the second half of the year i had to take dance, i freaked out when i got put in dance. don't get me wrong i wanted to take it. heck i could even do a split, straddle, pirouette, and anything else they asked of me. but the thing that had me freak out was that for the final i had to the cancan in front of the whole school wearing spanks. i could not have any one seeing that feminine side of me. men did not do girly things and i had to be a mans man. so i went to the principal about the final being cruel and unusual and got put back in graphic design. the biggest thing that killed my hopes of the future was i broke my foot. yeah i know, not that big of a deal, but the events around it were. i had to be out of P.E. while i was in a cast, which let me sitting in the library reading for that period. The problem was i had an interview for the advanced placement program in high school. during the time i was recouping. the interviewer was there all week right next to me anand on Friday when he was packing up to leave i asked him about why he never called me for my interview and he said he had sent a not to my P.E. class to call for me twice. I explained to him the situation and asked to do the interview and he looked at my paper and told me i was absent to much to be accepted. i then replied that even though i miss half the year due to illness my grades and test score are better than most. he said i would not be a good fit and walked away. I gave up on school then and there.

from middle school through high school i tried being a mans man and hid my feeling and thought from others all the while retreating back into my shell. I dropped out my senior year to get a job to help the family because the rescission caused us to loose our house.

When i was nineteen i went to job corps to get a trade and do something with myself. i had gone there for mechanics but during orientation i was convinced by my peers to do deck hand. this was a hellish choice; for two months while we learned about how to work on a barge we had to walk a mile a day with a 15o lb coil of steel cable over our shoulder and learn to throw and maneuver 2inch lock line over 40 and 50 feet distances. after all that we interned on a barge and this is where something was dug back out; something i had buried deep. the irony is it was dug out in a macho job. one night. i walked in on my lead man sitting in the pilot house looking at porn on the ships computer. He was looking at shemale porn and called me over to show me something. what he showed me didn't matter but the trans girl made something click in my head. i could be that girl that i had dreamed of being since i was a kid. i could be a girl in every way except a piece of flesh dangling between my legs. (i did not know of HRT, SRS, or FFS yet) This small thing brought back something in me that i had forgotten about for a long time. My taste in poor started to change from lesbian and anal, to shemale and trans lesbian with that always present bondage kink.

i continued my education at job corps and was certified as a welder. and used that to get a job in a machine shop that would allow me to live on my own. the thought i had did not come back in a rush but gradually and gained strength as time went on.

A major turning point for me was when i got laid off. i made a snap decision to go to truck driving school because it was the fastest way to get back to work. but the nature of driving a truck played to my benefit in a way. i was isolated for a long period of time and alone with my thoughts. this allowed me to analyze themselves thoughts and feelings. it also gave me the capitulation to buy makeup and cloths and toys to experiment. let me tell you as uncomfortable as a pair of 4in heels can be there is something that just felt right about them to me, the same goes for girl cloths and makeup. I went through a few purge cycles while driving a truck. i took about six months off and then went back to driving. this is where another impotent event happened; i met a trans truck driver who worked for my company. she inspired me a lot because she was still early in her transition yet she was out and about in public and showed no hesitation in doing so. we talked for a while while we waited for our loads to be ready, not about her being trans but about regular things. it showed me that you can be trans and be normal your not just a sex object or a freak or oddity.

Then my mom almost died.... she went into heart failure in 2015 and luckily for us in 2016 they found the cause and fixed it in early 2017. she wont get better but she wont get worse just yet either. so i got out of the truck and purged all of the girly things i bought to come spend time with her not knowing if i had a few weeks or a few years left.

So before i got out of the truck i had started to go about transition the "proper way" i went to a therapist to start therapy in order to get on HRT through proper channels. but after i had to quit driving i lost my insurance and put all that on hold while taking care of mom. so everything got put on hold till she had heart surgery at the beginning of this year. after she started feeling better i went back to driving in July of 2017 with the express purpose of financing my transition. but like all laid plans something happened. this time it was bureaucracy that threw up a road block for me and i had to stop driving abruptly in September. so now i have a job doing construction while i try and save up to get back on the track i want to be on.

You probably want to know why i think I'm trans? well the truth is I don't know for sure. what i do know is that since i started planing to transition i have started taking better care of myself. i went from bathing once a week to daily; i have lost 18 inches off my waist this year. and every time i think of people treating me like a girl i feel happy. a while ago i got super excited because a clerk at a gas station mistook me for a girl even know i had a three day stumble and am a six foot tall guy with the build of a line backer. I hope that in writing this that i will get feed back, questions, advice, tips, and anything else that will help me make the best choice for myself. i just want to wake up happy with my self every once in a while, or many like the way i look enough to take a picture of myself more than once ever seven or so years.

so my plans as of now are to save enough money to finance my transition specifically HRT and the required blood test for the next two to three years.

i want to go back to school during that time so i can have my legal name change done before i graduate to help make transitioning back into the workforce easier.

a bonus goal is to document my transition in detail.. daily pictures to create a more complete time line, and a food journal and exercise journal.

so if you made it this far thank you and i hope to hear from you. i hope that what ever journey your on that led you to read this post or my blog is a fulfilling one that leads you to your happy place.

with love,

Sammy

#trans #MTF #HRT #transgender #transitioning #girlslikeus #Sammy Ann

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