#god and i can't even get into the trans thing. i don't know if i'll ever be able to get into the trans thing.

[scorndotexe]

not that my relationship with my mother has ever been particularly good and simple but i do think it's going to get worse soon

[cowgurrrl]

Keep the Wolves Away

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author's note: Dedicated to my real life Andies. Thank you for making me feel easy to love.

Summary: The worst decision [5.2k]

Warnings: platonic threatening, discussions of bad mental health, so much flirting that (spoiler alert) might be real, possible THE shittiest ex I ever could've written, all the southern pet names, alcohol consumption, the resurgence of an old nude of readers, gaslighty behavior, smoking cigarettes (don't smoke kids), Joel talking reader out of a spiral, two (2) kisses

"So, it's a date." Andie declares once you're done explaining everything to her over FaceTime. You pause your blush application to roll your eyes at her. 

"It's not a date!"

"I'm sorry, so I'm just supposed to believe you when you say you're going to be just friends with the hot, sweet single dad who sounds like he's head over heels for you?"

"He is not head over heels for me." You sound a little petulant, and Andie laughs like she did when you were in high school and trying to hide a crush from her. 

"Babe, he willingly went on a high school field trip just so he could see you."

"His daughter was there. I'm sure he wanted to spend time with her."

"I'm sure he did because he's a great dad, but he also wanted to see you in your element. It's sexy watching someone do the thing they love." 

"Yeah, yeah." You brush her off, and she scoffs. You toss your makeup brush back into its bag and check out your outfit in the mirror. It's nothing insane— just a plain black slip dress— but now that Joel's arrival is getting closer and closer, you're rethinking everything. "Do I look okay?"

"You look stunning!" Andie chirps. "I'm sure your not boyfriend will think the same thing."

"I'm going to get a plane ticket to Austria just so I can choke you out with my own two hands." You threaten, but she laughs so hard you can't stop smiling. Once the trans-Atlantic giggling dies down, the line goes quiet, and you take a deep breath as you pull your mascara out. 

"Are you nervous to see him?" She asks gently. Andie came home for the summer dubbed The Dark Days. She stayed over when the one-bedroom apartment felt too big and got you out of the house when you couldn't stand the four walls anymore. She took whatever he left behind to his new apartment so you wouldn't have to (and gave him a piece of her mind while she was at it). She made you believe in love again. Not sticky, frustrating, unpredictable romantic love but pure, easy, all-knowing love that can only come from long-enduring relationships such as yours. 

For a long time after he left, you thought you were hard to love. Too loud, too bright, too much. Until you were out at a bar with her one night, trying to find the remnants of your independence and self-esteem tucked under sweaty beers and cracked leather chairs, when someone pointed out how similar you and Andie were. "Like two sides of the same coin," the woman told you. Andie is one of the easiest people in the world to love with her quick wit, creativity, and smile. And you realized for the first time if you had even a shred of that, even if only by dint of knowing and being loved by her, then you must be easy to love too. You must be worth the mess and heartache and stained fingerprints. 

So, yeah, Andie was less than pleased to hear that all that hard work could be undone by seeing him again, but she was supportive. 

"I don't know," you sigh. "I'm not a kid anymore. I've had more years without him than I did with him, but it's still scary."

"I know." 

"I don't even know what I'm gonna say to him."

"He'll probably be too busy with the gallery and everything. Maybe you won't even have to." She says, and you groan at the uncertainty of everything. 

"God, why did I say yes?" You ask as a knock interrupts your whining. You end your call with a quick "I love you, thank you, I'll text you" before throwing your phone down. "Come in!" You yell from the bathroom as you rapidly finish doing your makeup. There's a pause on the other side before he jiggles the knob and finally comes in. "I'm just finishing up in the bathroom. Give me a minute." 

"D'you always leave your door unlocked?" Joel asks. The sound of his unsure footsteps reaches your ears, and you smile at the thought of him looking around your apartment like a lost toddler. 

"Only when I know someone's coming over," you say. "Sorry, it's a mess."

"Oh, this is nothin'. You should see Ellie's room." He says, his feet pacing the floor. You swipe on a cute lipstick you never wear and finally step out into the living room where Joel is waiting. He's wearing a black button-up shirt with nice pants as he stands with his back to you, looking at some of the things on your wall. 

"Well, don't you look nice?" You compliment, making him turn around with a shy smile. His eyes roam over you, taking in every detail or sliver of skin he hasn't seen before. His intense gaze reminds you of how he looked at you in the bar when you were sure his eyes would melt you. He looks dumbstruck, and his Adam's apple bobs when his eyes finally settle on your face. 

"Wow… you look-"

"Choose carefully." You tease to take some of the tension out of the room. 

"Beautiful," he says, thwarting your efforts. "You always look beautiful." 

"Thank you. Not so bad yourself." 

"You like it? Ellie helped me pick it out," he anxiously fiddles with the sleeves of his shirt. "Feels weird." 

"What specifically feels weird?" You ask, stepping closer to him to examine his outfit. He smells like aftershave and the cologne he's prone to wearing. Why the fuck do you have his cologne memorized, you think to yourself. 

"I dunno. I think I just feel outta place." 

"Well, you don't look out of place," you say. "These might be what's doing it, though." You tap the top buttons of his shirt, the ones buttoned all the way up to his chin like a toddler going to Christmas mass. 

"Ellie said I should do all of 'em since it's a fancy art thing."

"Well, you should stop taking fashion advice from a fifteen-year-old," you laugh. "I promise it's not fancy enough to justify being uncomfortable." 

"I'm takin' your word for it." He says as he reaches up to undo his top two buttons, revealing freckles across his chest and collarbones and the tiniest sliver of a gold chain resting against his throat. For some reason, you can't tear your eyes away from the veins in his neck or the delicate necklace stuck to his warm skin. "What, it really looks that bad?" He thankfully breaks through your thoughts, and you try to recover by shaking your head.

"No, no. Not at all. You look really nice," you say, clearing your throat. "Let me get my purse, and we can go." You don't even wait for him to respond. You just turn on your heels and walk to your bedroom. In the security of your bedroom, you let out a long exhale and try to get your mind back on track. 

You're just nervous. He's being nice. You're being nice back. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing, you mentally chant. When you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you almost have to laugh at the fierce blush on your cheeks and the distracted look in your eyes. "You better get it together." You say, pointing at yourself in the mirror like it's gonna do anything to make tonight smoother.

The gallery is packed when you get there. Joel curses under his breath as he tries to find a parking spot, and you try to keep your anxiety at bay. All you have to do is show your face, look at the paintings, and leave. Maybe you can manage to steal a bottle of the cheap wine they're undoubtedly serving. It'll be an hour. Two tops. You can do this. 

You're so in your head that you didn't notice that Joel parked the car or that he was looking at you until he bumped your knee with his. 

"You okay?" He asks. You take a deep breath and nod.

"Just need a second." You mumble. You fiddle with your earrings, your dress, anything to keep your hands busy as you psyche yourself up. 

"When's the last time you saw this asshole?"

"He wasn't always an asshole," you try to redirect, but he raises his eyebrows at you. "Since I graduated college." 

"We don't have to go in." He offers easily, and you give him a look. 

"Yes, we do. My name's on the list and everything." 

"So?" He shrugs. "The world's not gonna end just cause one person didn't show up."

"But you drove all the way here."

"And I can drive you all the way back. Besides, it's nice having a pretty girl in my truck. It wouldn't hurt to have you here next to me for a little while longer." He says, and you laugh, feeling some weight lift off your shoulders.

"You get many pretty girls sitting in your truck?"

"Just my pretty girls." 

"Right." You say, and he smiles, creating familiar crinkles in the corners of his eyes. They look a little deeper in the moonlight, but his eyes shine differently. Your fingers itch to draw them if only to critique your work and find the answer to why he has such an effect on you. You're aware that you're staring, but you also can't find it in yourself to look away. Not when he's staring back at you so fondly. 

"What can I do to help you?" He asks. You feel like you could cry at the sincerity in his voice. You've talked to Ellie about her anxiety, so you know he has some practice in dealing with it, but he's acting like it's second nature. Like this is what he was meant to do. He bumps you again when you start messing with your purse. "Do you want this to be like at the bar? Do you want me to take you home and pretend like we were never here? Do you want me to go in there and crack some skulls? You say the word— any word— and I'll do it for you, darlin'." 

Darlin’. It's what he called you when you promised revenge for almost kissing you at the bar. Normally, you'd be against any form of pet name. Henry was not openly affectionate in that way, and you learned not to expect it from him. But here's Joel, dropping the term of endearment almost every time he's been alone with you. It could be that cowboy accent or his knee pressed against yours, but the nickname fills your chest with warmth and pushes away your anxiety. 

"Any word, huh?" You ask, and he chuckles. 

"My mama raised me not to make promises I didn't have every intention of followin' through on." He says. "What'll it be?"

"I think… I just need you to be there with me." 

"Then, that's what I'll do." 

"Okay." You mumble, and he smiles as a new wave of comfort washes over you. 

"Okay." He says.

"Okay." You take a deep breath and look at him in the driver's seat one more time. "Let's do this." Finally, you open the door and step down from his truck. He's quick to come to your side and offer you his arm before he can even finish locking the car. You smile, tuck your hand under his bicep, and let him keep you upright as you walk in. 

The gallery is full of people who look way more qualified than you— art critics, journalists, and other artists who can actually sell a piece. They barely glance at you and Joel when you breach the doorway, which you're silently grateful for. When a waiter walks by with champagne glasses, Joel quickly snatches two glasses from the tray and hands you one. 

"Here's to us." He says, and you cock an eyebrow at him. 

"Us?"

"Well, we're sure as hell not toastin' to that asshole, are we?" 

"I guess not," you laugh as you clink your glasses together. "To us." You each take a sip, and Joel tries to hide his reaction to the champagne, but you see right through it. "Not your speed?"

"Not at all." He groans as he chokes it down. 

"Don't worry, maverick, we'll get you something else later." You promise and tuck your hand back under his arm as you start walking through the gallery. 

A lot of his newer work resembles his work from college— normal portraits of things like fruits, beds, or people but with unexpected lines of colors lining them like they're vibrating. You even recognize some from your college days. You just never expected them to actually be displayed in this way, not even when you were dating and telling him what a good artist you thought he was. Some have vague titles like "$12" and "Jack," while others are untitled. You can see why it would get taken in by a gallery. There's a very clear skill in how he paints and manipulates everyday objects into something new. It would be impressive if it was interesting. 

Maybe you're just used to the way he paints. Maybe this is exactly what you expected of him. Maybe you thought he would've grown, if not in attitude than, at least, in skill. But it's clear that too many people told him good things about his work, and he saw nothing he needed to change or fix. Somehow, it makes you feel better, not worse, about your own art. 

"So, are these supposed to be good or bad?" Joel whispers to you as you get closer to the next section, and you laugh a little too loudly. The people around you give you nasty looks, but you can't find it in yourself to be sorry.

"Like I said at the museum, I can't tell you that, but…" you glance around to make sure nobody's listening to you. "As someone who saw him make a lot of art, this is definitely not his best."

"Okay, that's what I thought," he says before pointing at a specific part of the painting. "The shape is really weird right there, like he ran outta space or somethin'." You let go of his arm and step between him and the painting, smiling knowingly.

"Did you study for this?" You ask, and he nervously plays with the chain around his neck. 

"I may have… snuck a look at Ellie's notes." He admits sheepishly, and your eyes widen. 

"You were actin' like you were gonna have to rely on me this whole time! You don't need me to tell you what good art is!"

"Yeah, but I want you to." 

"Oh, whatever. C'mon, I wanna hear what else you think." You pretty much drag him to the next section of the gallery, but he's pliant and almost giddy at your hold on him. You take more time in the next part, and he ducks so his lips are near your ear to point out little things he notices. He said he was scared of being wrong in front of people "smarter than him," but all the observations he makes are valid and accurate. He lets you add your own analysis to his and watches you with a smile when you start talking with your hands excitedly. Suddenly, you're not nearly as miserable as you thought you would be, and you're even laughing together as you jump from painting to painting. 

"See, this isn't so bad!" You say as you move to the final part, but your smile and enthusiasm die when you step over the threshold. There, staring at you unashamedly is the painting Henry did of you when you were twenty and topless. He told you it was for his own artistic development, and you were more than happy to do it for him. You just never thought he would've kept it after all these years. Thank God your face isn't visible in the painting, but your rigid posture tells Joel everything he needs to know. He politely turns his back to the painting and steps between you and your likeness. 

"You wanna go?" He whispers at the same time someone calls your name. You take a deep breath and grab Joel's hand for support as you turn around and face Henry. His wavy blonde hair frames his face like it did in college but he's matured. His beard is a little more filled in, and he's gotten a little broader. Other than that, he's still the same person you met freshman year. 

"I'm so glad you could make it!" He says as he approaches. He doesn't try to hug you, and you don't move to let go of Joel's hand. "You look great. I mean, you always looked great, but you know what I meant," he says, looking over you. Only when Joel clears his throat does Henry even look at him. "Oh, sorry, man! We're old friends. I'm Henry." He holds his hand out for Joel to meet halfway, but he doesn't. You think it probably took fighting every single bit of southern hospitality in his veins to stop himself from shaking Henry's hand.

"'M Joel." He says, and Henry awkwardly drops his hand. 

"Nice to meet you, Joel. How are you enjoying the exhibition?" 

"'S alright." Is all Joel offers, not willing to gas up Henry's ego anymore, and you have to stifle a laugh at the expectant look on Henry's face. "Well, I think we were just goin'."

"Oh, so soon? You haven't even seen the last few pieces."

"Are those any better than the thirty identical ones I already saw?"

"Joel," you scold quietly, and his jaw flexes when you look at him.

"It's okay. Not everyone understands art enough to enjoy it." Henry says. 

"Oh, I understand everythin' just fine." You swear Joel would've punched him if he wasn't holding your hand so tight. You step in between them and raise your eyebrows at Joel. His shoulders are squared, and you can feel the molten anger rolling off him, but it softens just a bit when he meets your eyes. You squeeze him twice to let him know you're okay, and he nods. 

"Can you get me a refill on champagne? I think they're still walkin' around with some." You suggest. He gets the hint, but he obviously doesn't like it. He glances between you and Henry like he's trying to make a decision but folds when you mouth, "please," at him. 

"’Course," he says through gritted teeth. "Anythin' else I can get for you, baby?" Baby, that's a new one, you think. 

"No, I'm alright. Thanks, though." You say. Without thinking, you let your other hand rest on his jaw and kiss Joel's cheek. His jaw unclenches when your fingertips graze his stubble, and his shoulders relax when your lips make contact with his skin, but you know he's still upset because you're still upset. Joel smiles and walks away before you can get a good look at the blush creeping up his neck, and you're resigned to watching him disappear into the crowd. 

"He seems nice," Henry says the second Joel is out of earshot, and you have to resist the urge to laugh. 

"He is." 

"How'd you two meet?"

"Through work." You say, knowing that bringing up teaching will make his skin crawl. He sucks his teeth and nods, the champagne in his glass sloshing slightly.

"Ah," he says. "That's nice."

"Yeah," you agree. An awkward silence falls over the two of you quickly, and you're itching to find Joel in the sea of people. Henry notices your lack of attention on him.

"It's really good to see you," he says. "I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever."

"Yeah, that's usually what happens when you leave someone." 

"That's kinda why I invited you here tonight. I wanted to apologize for the way things ended," he acts brokenhearted and torn up about it, but he's years too late for the pity party he's expecting. "I should've talked to you about what was going on. We were just... becoming so different, and it felt like you were always talking to Andie or other people in the program, and there was no way to reach you."

"What are you talking about? I asked you multiple times if we were okay, and you said yes every time. I was talking to Andie so much because I needed someone who would understand me and be able to help." You say, and he waves his hand like he's swatting flies.

"Let's not do this. My therapist says it's not healthy to rehash the past like this. I just wanted to make amends and let you know I'm sorry for how you felt." It's not an apology. Not a real one, anyway. Jesus Christ, what did you ever see in him? Before you can even open your mouth to say something, he gestures to the gallery. "So, what do you think about all this? Crazy, right?"

"It's... something," you say. "Wish you would've given me a heads up about that one before I brought someone with me." You point in the direction of your half-naked body on the wall, and he gives you a confused look.

"I thought I did in the email." 

"Nope, I think I would've remembered if you said something about a half-naked painting of me from college being displayed," you shake your head. "Why do you even still have that? I thought you would've thrown it away or painted over it or something."

"Why would I do that? It's a good piece."

"I know it's good because it's my body. What's weird is you leaving me without a word one day and then keeping a naked picture of me all these years." 

"I didn't even think of it as your body. After a while, it was just a body," he says with no remorse, and you think you might hit him yourself. "Besides, you should take this as a compliment. Not many women get the opportunity to be depicted as art. It's a wonderful thing. You might even thank me one day when you're older." Finally, you see Joel walking toward you with a glass of champagne, and you take refuge in the fact that he's returning for you. "But, from what I can see, they've definitely stayed the same, so you probably don't have anything to worry about." He says like it's a secret or a compliment. You don't even wait for Joel to say or do anything. You just grab the wine from him and throw it in Henry's face. The people in the immediate vicinity gasp as you slap him and shove the empty glass into his hands. 

"Out of all the stupid things I imagined for myself when I was younger, thinking I would marry you was the stupidest," you spit. "Don't you ever try to fucking contact me again."

You feel like a fucking idiot. What did you expect? An apology? Repentance? Regret? He barely apologized when you were together. Why would he start now? God, was he always that bad? How could you have been so blind? How could you have shed so many tears over him? How could you have let yourself be so vulnerable with him and for so many years? It's a miracle he didn't call the cops and try to get the two of you arrested, even though Joel didn't do anything. You think, at least. The second you finished your sentence, you ran to the bathroom to cry and then snuck out through the back to wait outside Joel's truck. For all you know, Joel (rightfully) beat his ass and is on the run from artsy Austin hipsters. 

You put the lit cigarette back in your mouth and take a long drag, the familiar burning in your lungs a sick relief. You quit during The Dark Days because smoking was something he did, and you wanted to rid yourself of any reminder of his impact on your life. Apparently, at the same time you were scrubbing his fingerprints from your bones, he was in possession of and doing God knows what with the visual reminder of your vulnerability and love-sickness and acted like it was nothing. Like it was a compliment. Like it was just an object instead of your body. Andie would be pissed if she were here but especially if she saw you smoking after she braved all those shaky days and nights of nicotine patches and dried fruit and whatever other remedy recommended to help you quit smoking. You half-expect the same anger when you see Joel walking toward you. 

"Before you even start, I know I shouldn't, okay? It's a bad habit from when I was a kid, and I've mostly kicked it. I just... had a lapse. I'll be back on my best behavior tomorrow," you say as he stops in front of you. He doesn't look angry or upset. He just looks concerned and maybe even a little sad. Suddenly, you regret running away from him when all he probably wanted to do was help. You probably wouldn't have bummed a cigarette from a busboy if you let him. "Don't tell Ellie." You plead. His eyes flick over your face before he takes the cigarette from your fingers, puts the lipstick-stained filter in his own mouth, and inhales deeply, making the ember glow in the dark of the night. When he exhales, he blows the smoke away from you and lets the wind carry it in the opposite direction. A considerate smoker. You should've guessed.

"Don't tell Ellie," he says, handing the cigarette back to you. "Are you okay?"

You shake your head and take a long drag. It's quiet between you two for a while, the only sound being the cicadas and the distant chatter of the gallery. They're probably still talking about the psycho bitch who threw her wine in the artist's face. You don't really care. "I'm sorry for tonight. I don't know what I was expecting, and I sure as shit didn't know that painting was gonna be displayed. I swear, if I had any idea how bad this was gonna be, I wouldn't have invited you." 

"Why are you apologizin'? It's not your fault." 

"I shouldn't have roped you into this. I should've just said no, ignored the email, or came by myself. It's not fair that you got put in the middle of all this, especially when you were just trying to be nice. You're the parent of one of my students, and for you to see that side of me is just inappropriate. I just-" he stops your rambling by putting his hands on your shoulders and making you look at him, the cigarette falling to the pavement in the process. 

"Hey, hey. Stop. Take a breath." He says. Your head hurts from crying, and part of you wants to crawl into a hole and stay there until these feelings go away, but his eyes are gentle, and his hands are warm. You think he might be the only reason you're holding it together right now. "None of this is your fault, okay? Not the painting, not the conversation, none of it. We're both adults, and we can handle these things rationally. I'm not scarred for life just 'cause you lost your temper."

"But I-"

"No, buts. You told me the situation, and I didn't care. You warned me bout the art people, and I didn't care. You threw a drink in that asshole's face, and I didn't care," he says. "The only thing I care bout right now is makin' sure you're okay. Fuck everythin' else." You search his face for anything to tell you what he's telling you is going against his inner monologue but find none. He's completely and wholly concerned about you and nothing else. Not how fast he can get out of this. Not how this might look. Not what other people might think about him. Nothing. You take a deep breath and nod.

"Fuck everything else." You agree. 

"Now, you're gettin' the hang of it." He jokes, and you roll your eyes at him. He takes it in stride, his smile never fading as he looks down at you. You stop messing with the hem of your dress and let yourself relax for the first time all night.

"Thank you for being here, Joel. I really appreciate it."

"Not our best not-date, but definitely a memorable one." He says, and you laugh. You seem to realize how close you are at the same time because you both fall silent. His curls are beautifully draped over his face, and you can't stop watching his tiny expressions. An eye squint. A purse of the lips. A bite to the inside of his cheek. You want to blame your bad night or the emotions, but you can't. There's something more there. Something that's been brewing beneath the surface since he came into your classroom. Something that will kill you if you don't act on it.

You let your hands come up from your sides and tentatively brush against his waist as you stare at him, waiting for him to say something, but he doesn't. He just stares down at your lips, and the hands on your shoulders slowly move across your skin and up your collarbone— leaving goosebumps in his wake— until his hands are on your jaw and your pulse is thrumming against his palm. You pull him closer by his belt loops, and he doesn't hesitate to crowd your space, pushing you into the side of his truck with his body. His lips ghost over yours, just barely touching, and his nose bumps yours. 

"This is a bad idea," you breathe, tightening your hold on him. He nods and presses his forehead against yours. He's still close enough to breathe the same air as him, but the distance feels like miles. You lean forward a fraction as a test, and he doesn't move. If anything, he seems annoyed you didn't kiss him.

"D'you want to stop?" He asks, sounding just as breathless as you feel. You shake your head and swallow hard when he brushes the hair off your shoulder, and you can feel his heavy hand holding you. Your hands skate over his ribs, feeling muscles and a crazed heartbeat, and his jaw clenches. "Then you better do somethin' cause you've been drivin' me fuckin' crazy for weeks." 

Finally, you catch his lips with yours. He tastes like nicotine and smoke, and you know it's going to take a lot more than patches to get you to want to stop doing this. It's gentle and sweet, all relieved sighs and shy touches until you pull away for just a second to second-guess yourself or ask him something. You don't even start to form the words before he's back on you with more fervor. Suddenly, it's like he's everywhere but not nearly close enough. He nibbles at your bottom lip and tests a hand on your sternum, long fingers grazing your throat. The metal of the truck digs into your back, but you stop caring when a little moan slips from his lips when you pull him closer.

This is a bad idea. A horrible one. A bad habit you're gonna need to kick. 

But he might just be your favorite bad idea so far.

TAGLIST: @abbyhaslongshorts @kiwiharrykiwi @sumsworldz @myloveistoolittle @anavatazes @marantha @cosmoscoffeee @shyminnie07 @beezusvreeland @eddiemunsonsbedroom @harriedandharassed @doodlebob-mp3 @ignorethisplz2004 @buckyispunk

[ninelivesastrology]

Being feminine as a Black woman seems to be such a personal attack to non-Black woman. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Black women are incredibly feminine. I remember doing a rollerset on my hair and not stopping when my wrists ached because I was so determined to get it right. Even putting your hair into a bonnet at night is so feminine, so feminine as in, "I want to be ready to be beautiful tomorrow." Night routines have been a thing all my life.

When I got into make-up, I was obsessed with red lipstick, I swear nothing else looks good on me. I was the one giving beauty tips to all my non-Black "friends," so quick to share and not realizing they didn't have a clue about femininity... They didn't know how to style themselves. Like first of all, if you can rock straight cornrows, your face card is lethal as a BW. I love a patient fishtail braid on a white girl. It gives fairy vibes.

And I thought about how quick non-Black women were to get insecure and spiteful around me because I did myself up. Or how they would scoff at me seeing my hair tucked under a bonnet. I never got it because... the thought of being non-Black and waking up to mad tangles in my hair from sleeping on it would piss me off, but that's just me, do you.

I'll be so real, this white girl asked to help flat iron the back of my head, like the nape of my neck and she turned the flat iron all the way up to its highest setting and damaged my hair. I smelled my hair fucking burning and it did not revert back. I don't let anybody touch my hair, but that has always pissed women off. Like in my opinion, anybody wanting to play in my hair was wanting to play with me.

Looking back, I really triggered them. Like badly.

My child is rocking my face and earlier this year, my husband's deadbeat mother was begging for more pictures and this woman hates me, on God. My child has lighter skin than me and it just added more proof that so much of her vitriol and ire towards me is racially charged. Also, you can't trust people who don't like you, but want to be near your child who resembles you because they're going to take out all of their hatred on your child. Children always pay.

All I ever hear is how cute my kid is and how we're twins, like people stopping and gushing. My genetics won, I don't care. My child is more Black than anything else in isolation.

Femininity and Blackness doesn't mix in these folks' mind. It's a personal attack to be beautiful, to be desired, to be complimented. We're not supposed to be feminine because it makes them uncomfortable to see us as attractive. Really weird to me because I don't react well to people being sexually attracted to me anyway.

I understand why Black trans women experience so much hatred when I look at the situation from this lens and I don't say that to be insensitive, but being Black and expressing any type of femininity is met with adversity. "Fellas, is it gay to get a pedicu—" Come on. And men need pedicures.

This world is dominated by beauty. Beauty causes visibility and Black women are not supposed to be visible.

[goodluckclove]

Some Loose Thoughts on Queer Rep (Specifically Aspec Rep)

(Just in advance I'm going to dunk on Alastor from Hazbin Hotel like a lil' bit, as a treat. Mainly the team that made him and what he represents, but still. If that's rage bait for you, I suggest maybe dipping out now)

I have a theory that queer media needs both queer characters and queer genre characters. The difference is very important.

I think a queer character would be a character in a story about their queerness. For some reason the only two characters I could think of are the guy from Love, Simon (What was his name again?) and the protagonist from Rubyfruit Jungle, which should express the weird and complicated relationship I have with this particular archetype.

Queer stories centered around queerness are definitely needed, but at the same time I feel like we're just starting to come to terms with the desperate need for the alternative, which are queer characters in genre media that contain overarching plots larger than their sexuality. Not separate, necessarily (Their queerness certainly influences things), but just beyond. This is more accessible for a variety of artists, which is also the reason why it can be a flop or a massive success.

We get more of this than ever for gay and sapphic characters, as well as some trans folks and occasionally non-binary. It's definitely way less seen in aspec characters, and even less respected. I started thinking this way because the internet is flooded with references to fucking Alastor from Hazbin Hotel as an aroace character and - like - god, I don't get it.

Like you can have your serial killer comfort character, that's fine. But latching onto him as representation for the entire aspec community when he was only confirmed to be aroace through a reference in a livestream and the weakest joke onscreen is pretty disheartening. It definitely reads like this part of his identity was added pretty late in his character development, and by a team of people that didn't seem to consider what the response and reaction would be and how they'd handle it.

I also wish the newest aspec icon in media wasn't created by a team so adamant on encouraging shipping culture above actually respecting the identity they've decided to provide representation for. Like I see it means a lot to people to have an aroace character doing something cool in a fun TV show that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their identity. Then there's like four other people right behind that person who really wants that person to be romantic and fuck.

And like, yeah, aroace people can do that sometimes. It's a spectrum, I know. But can't we start with a baseline representation before providing proof of fluidity?

I just think we deserve better. Like a character who in the media is established to be aspec, and people are like "great" and move on to fight robots or do magic or whatever. And the person can be morally grey, or even a total dick, but like I'd personally prefer something with a little more depth than Hot Topic genericism.

Like don't get me wrong, I'll take some sort of eldritch horror as my representation, but...make him at all horrifying? Like everyone talks about how he has Eldritch powers, which I know to mean unfathomable and maddening. But I've seen everything he does in the canon of the show and it is both incredibly fathomable and makes me feel normal and sane. Yog-Sothoth this man is not.

But yeah, I don't think there's a solution here besides more aspec artists creating aspec characters in their work. That way people can still like Alastor if they want, but he's not like the only viable option in terms of representation in the media. Let me see lovingly-crafted cool guys and dipshits and chaos goblins and little babies and True Horrors, all of whom have varying degrees of distaste or indifference towards sex and romance.

Do it. We need it. Please.

[queerprayers]

Hello! I'm a genderfluid Christian and I'm currently trying to discern whether going on HRT would be a good idea, both in terms of whether it would be worth the inconvenience and whether it would be glorifying to God. Do you have any recommendations?

(For a long time, I was comfortable in my gender without it, but a few months ago something shifted and now I can't stop thinking about it. I would ask a pastor, but I'm between churches at the moment; the Baptist church I went to for many years, despite its many good qualities, is not at all affirming, and I'm still in the process of finding a better spiritual home, which is further complicated by the fact that I am nocturnal.)

Thank you for running this blog, by the way. It means a lot to me.

Hello, beloved! I will do my best and I'm so glad you're here.

I hope you've heard this quote from Daniel M. Lavery, but just in case you haven't: "As my friend Julian puts it, only half winkingly: 'God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.'"

Another quote from that book (Something That May Shock and Discredit You, which I highly recommend) that comes to mind is “Trying not to transition was the hardest work in the world. The nicest thing about transition was letting go.” I believe you that you're unsure, and I'm not trying to make your decision for you, but on the off chance that any of your discerning has taken the form of trying to convince yourself not to transition in this way, or downplaying your current discomfort, or not trusting yourself out of fear, I'd say that being trans in this world is hard enough without being on your own side.

Ultimately, you know yourself and your experience, and I'd hazard a guess that you've already decided more than you think. Often by the time I'm reaching out about a life change, I'm asking permission more than advice. If that rings true, here's your permission (not that you need it from me).

I hope you don't mind, but I checked in with my partner (a certified Transgender) while answering this, and I'll paraphrase what they had to say about HRT and inconvenience: Is the travel time to see a loved one worth the inconvenience? Ultimately, you are worth dealing with inconvenience. The happiness you could have is worth the inconvenience. Being trans is hard with or without medical transition. But sharing in the act of creation is worth it. We are all worth doing hard things for, and for some that includes fighting to get on HRT and being visibly trans in public.

You can't know until you begin a journey if it will be "worth it"—but I would imagine answering this for yourself, giving this instinct inside you a chance, would be worth it even if it's not forever. There are people who start HRT and decide it's not for them—and their lives aren't ruined. Their lives are fuller for honoring what they wanted at that point in time. Obviously regret happens—but we cannot refrain from living because of that. Your gender identity and your relationship with your body may change and grow, and all parts of that change are worth of honoring.

As to whether this would glorify God—are you honoring the person God created? If (to paraphrase St. Teresa of Ávila) Christ has no body now on earth but yours, if yours are the hands with which he blesses all the world, the feet with which he walks to do good, the eyes with which he looks compassion on this world —what body are you moving through this world with, and how will you care for it? What will enable you to live out Christ? Jesus calls us to meet every stranger as himself—what would happen if you met yourself as such, too? If everything we do to another is what we do to Christ—feed, clothe, honor—why would you be any less? Why would your body not be worthy of existence, of shelter?

If our bodies are temples to God, are they not places of worship? Of course my journey with accepting my body has shown me that we can be faithful Christians before accepting ourselves, and as we learn to care for ourselves. I don't mean to imply we cannot. But our peaceful existence in these places of worship takes work, and just as we work to make our churches more accessible and accepting, so must we work to care for our bodies and fully inhabit them as prayer. My work of love to my body was accepting it as it is, welcoming its change and faults, and also taking psychiatric medication so that I could function better. It was prayer for me, the journey to find a medication that worked and paying attention to how it was changing me, how it enabled me to better serve as a child of God.

Every trans person I know has been more fully able to love when they live as themselves—when they've had access to transition care, when they've been respected and affirmed. These were not selfish choices, they were self-honoring choices which have shone outward ever since. We can look to the Bible to see name changes at moments of God-glorifying change, and we can also see physical change—the shining face of Moses, the woman who only seeks to grasp the hem of Jesus's clothing to be healed, Paul going temporarily blind, Jesus himself at his transfiguration. We cannot serve God and stay the same.

Romans 12 tells us to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice—living. Yes, we are called to be willing to die for love, but also to live for it. Preventing your flourishing because it would be scary, or inconvenient, or misunderstood, or because it may not be where your flourishing lies forever, is not a sacrifice for love. Transition, the way I've seen it in the people around me, is.

I also want to point out that you've done the work—you introduced yourself as a genderfluid Christian. I don't know your story, but I know the years of reconciling saying those words can take. You have the language for yourself. You know who you are. HRT can be a huge first step for some, but it can also be just the next part of that work. It doesn't have to be huge. For some it is simply bringing things more in line with the self they've known all along. Make it a big deal if that feels true (and it is a big deal in terms of bravery and access), but it may become just one of many ways you care for yourself. You don't have to cater to those who see it as drastic or an emergency, those who fearmonger or want you to prove you need it. You've done the work, so trust that you are capable of making this decision.

It is your God-given right to make decisions about your body. As Christians, we believe we are called to serve God with those decisions. But God gave us the reins. God gave us all different skills and stories and paths. It is not easy or obvious and sometimes we circle back or regret or repent. God gave us the capacity for those kinds of stories, too. Be human with God—our God who entered into time and space, who participated in our having-a-body-ness, who reconciled the ways his body held him back and the ways he could serve with it. Jesus's relationship with his gender/body/health is not something we're privy to but from other parts of his life we can assume it was a participation in his time and place—a 1st century Jewish man. In the communities you're a part of, with the resources you have, with the identities you have welcomed, how will you be human with him?

I don't know what healthcare is available to you where you are, but a good doctor can tell you the side effects, refer you to counseling as you make choices, give you dose and timeline options. Even if you don't end up going on HRT, seeking out trans-inclusive healthcare and community is a good choice, and I would recommend learning your options. If you can't stop thinking about this, trust that it's worth taking seriously.

I wish you all the best in finding a church/community—there are people equipped to love all of you, and you deserve to find them. I relate with the nocturnal bit—I know Catholics usually have a Saturday night service, and every so often another kind of church will. Online community can fill gaps and give us other ways of connection as we look for physical communion. I wish I could promise affirming religious spaces in every place, but I can only pray and work for that to someday be the case.

So, to answer my lover's question, the travel time to see a loved one is worth it. The journey to the you more full of love is worth it, and the journey to find a spiritual home is worth it. If we are pilgrims on this earth, may the things in our control be done with love, may our journeys be faithful, may our bodies be Christ's body, trusting in the Love greater than anything we can do. How you will be a steward of God's creation is not something I can answer for you, but I believe in your ability to sow the seeds within you. HRT may be the next part of your creation—you can give yourself some time, talk to some people, sit with the idea, consider how you would handle regret, and don't let me tell you what to do, but ultimately there is only one way to know, and waiting until we're sure is stagnation if it is not an active waiting.

To quote my Easter/TDOV post: Come to life, beloved. God sees you. The first steps out of the tomb may be stumbling, the dawn too bright, but we will meet you in the garden, where you were first created. Bring with you whatever is still bleeding—Jesus believes in you, touches the ache in your ribs. Mistake him for a gardener; let him plant you anew. Look to the wound in his side, see how it births the Church, and continues to until there is room for you. Look through the holes in his hands and see the world you were redeemed for, the self that you have already found or may only imagine. God made the grapes, and Christ stands in the winepress with you. Trample out your wine.

And lastly, to turn the patron saint of receiving sacraments presenting as God calls, even unto death, Joan of Arc's affirmation into a command (and purposely quoting an angel in the process): Be not afraid. You were born to do this.

<3 Johanna

[lavenderlegends]

can you fall in love after a single kiss?

ship: stiles/derek prompt: crisp air characters: erica, scott, isaac, danny, jackson, allison mention, boyd mention cw: drinking tags: college au, fluff word count: 2.6k ao3 ♞♚♞♚

"Ahhhh," Stiles says, as he steps out into the crisp fall air. He looks over at Erica. "Do you feel that?"

"Hm?" she says, looking up from her phone. "What's that?"

"The air! Fall has begun!" Stiles exclaims. He nudges her. "C'mon, why aren't you enjoying this?"

"Because," Erica says, looking back down at her phone as they walk down the path towards the parking lot. "I've got a lot going on at the moment."

"Mhm, it's that guy, isn't it?" Stiles asks, trying to peek at her screen. She hides it from him with a pointed expression.

"None of your business," she answers.

"Ugh. Well, will I at least see you at Danny's party?" Stiles shoves his hand into his pocket, searching for his Jeep keys. Erica doesn't answer by the time he's pulled out the bi flag lanyard, so he pouts. "Ericaaaa, midterms are over. We have to celebrate. Please tell me you're coming to Danny's party."

"What?" she asks, looking up at him. "Oh. Danny's party. Yes. I'll be there."

"Will he be there?" Stiles asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

Erica's face flushes in a way he's never seen before. She shrugs. "Maybe."

"I can't wait to meet the mystery man, then."

"He's not a mystery man. He's just a guy I met at the library." Erica bites her bottom lip when they reach his Jeep and are about to say goodbye. He doesn't rush to open the door.

"What is it?"

"I think... oh my god, I can't believe I'm even thinking this, let alone saying this... but..."

"Spit it out already," Stiles says, shaking with impatience. He should've taken his Adderall today, but definitely forgot. He likes to pretend he does better studying without it, but his most recent midterm would prove otherwise.

Erica ducks her head. "I think he's, like, the one."

"What," Stiles blurts. He doesn't mean to, really, but he's never ever heard Erica talk like this and they've been best friends since kindergarten. Stiles waits until she lifts her head up again before he asks, "Are you possessed?"

She shakes her head.

Stiles blinks. "Holy shit, Erica! That's huge. I never thought you'd settle down for a boyfriend, let alone the one."

Erica lets out a soft laugh. "Yeah, me neither. I don't know what it is about him, Stiles, but he gets me."

"Does he...?"

"Know I'm trans? Yeah," Erica says, nodding. "I know. It's strange, isn't it? I don't think I've ever been on a second date before."

"But this guy?"

"This guy," Erica confirms, a shy smile crossing her lips. "This guy is something else. Listen, I'm going to go shopping before Danny's party. I want to look good. I'll catch up with you later?"

"Sounds good."

"And if you tell anyone what I said--"

He laughs. "As if anyone would believe me."

"True." Erica grins, and bounces away with a skip in her step. Stiles stares after her.

This party is going to be one to remember.

Erica's in love. It's obvious. She just met the guy a week ago, but some things are undeniable.

He smiles to himself as he gets into his Jeep. Maybe, just maybe, the one for him is at the party tonight too.

♞♚♞♚

Stiles shows up a little late, but he meant to be on time. He even set like six alarms to stop his ADHD from getting in the way, but alas, it was pointless. He just hopes Danny isn't mad.

"There you are!" Danny's voice comes when Stiles enters the kitchen.

"Hey, sorry." Stiles hands him a bag of ice. "I know, I know. Super late. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Derek also brought ice."

Stiles jerks his head back. "You asked Derek to bring you ice too?"

"I did," Danny says. "Figured you'd be late. I've known you since high school, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah," Stiles says, rolling his eyes. "I just can't believe you asked Mr. Grumpy Pants to bring ice. It's like asking a bear to step out of their cave while they're hibernating."

"Ha, ha," a sarcastic, dry tone comes from behind him.

Stiles jumps and whips around to see Derek freaking Hale standing behind him. He groans. "Are you everywhere? I swear, you have the hearing of a bat."

Derek tilts his head. "You shouldn't be that surprised to see me. I am Danny's roommate."

"Mhm," Stiles says. "Don't remind me."

Stiles and Derek haven't gotten along since first semester of first year. The guy has been nothing but rude and grumpy to Stiles. His theory is that Derek's in love with Danny, especially because his attitude just got worse after he learned that Stiles and Danny used to hook up in high school.

But Danny's been dating Jackson pretty much since they started college, so Stiles doesn't get why Derek's not over him yet.

"Alright, I'm off to find Scott and Isaac!" Stiles announces, before muttering, "'Cause I can't stand to be around you anymore."

Derek snorts. "Like I want to be around you either."

"Can't we be nice for one night?" Danny pleads, but Stiles just tosses his hand in the air and walks towards the living room.

Erica's talking to a very handsome guy in the corner, and she's twirling her hair. He freezes, watching them. He's never seen her twirl her hair before. Ever. But there she is, giggling, and looking up at this guy with the biggest heart-eyes he's ever seen.

"Oh my god, I can't believe it," Isaac says, suddenly appearing at Stiles' side. Scott joins him on the other side. "I've never seen Boyd talk so much to a girl before."

"Yeah, it's a bit weird," Scott says. "Erica's like... usually on the prowl by now."

"Jesus," Stiles mutters. "You make her sound like a cougar."

"Well, you know what I mean. She eats boys up and spits them out. It's her thing," Scott says. "I've never seen her so... infatuated before."

"That's a great word for it, honey," Isaac says, grinning. He shares a look with Scott, and Stiles groans. "What?"

"You two are also disgustingly in love," Stiles mutters. "Everyone seems to be these days!"

"Calm down," Scott says, but he's still got a moony look towards Isaac on his face. "You'll find the right person soon."

"Uh-huh." Stiles sighs. "I'm going to find Lydia. You two are making me nauseated."

He doesn't wait for them to protest, but heads out to the balcony. He smiles when he finds Lydia alone. She takes a long sip of her drink before looking at him.

"Nice night out, huh?" Stiles asks.

"Yeah." Lydia sighs. "I wish Ally was here tonight."

"Why isn't she?" Stiles asks, glancing back through the windows as if he might magically spot her.

"She went home to visit her parents."

"Are you two...?"

"Yeah," Lydia admits. "We're keeping it on the downlow for now. I mean, her breakup with Kira is still pretty fresh. But..."

"Damn." Stiles rubs his face. "Everyone seems to be in a relationship these days."

Lydia pats his shoulder. "I'm sorry, darling. You'll find someone. I just know it."

"Yeah. That's what they keep telling me." Stiles sighs.

Lydia finishes her drink and then says, "I'm going back inside. You coming?"

"I think I'll stay out here for now." Stiles doesn't care if he shivers. Nothing is going to make him go back inside now.

Erica has Boyd. Danny's with Jackson. Scott and Isaac have been dating for almost a year. Now Lydia and Allison? When is it going to be his turn?

Stiles stretches his neck before leaning over the edge of the balcony. He's looking into a parking lot, and it's not very exciting, but he can sort of see the city lights from here, and that's nice. He guesses.

He's not drunk enough for this.

Maybe he should ditch the party, curl up, and watch Disney Plus. Anything would be better than this. Being alone. Again. As always.

"Room for one more out here?"

Stiles freezes at the sound of Derek's voice before turning. "What do you want?"

"Thought maybe we could talk." Derek shuts the door gently behind him. "What do you say?"

"Whatever," Stiles mutters.

"What's your problem with me?" Derek asks, as if he doesn't already know. Stiles glances at him again but can't stare too long because his heart has started to pound.

He's never actually been alone with Derek before.

"Like you don't know," Stiles mutters.

"I don't," Derek says, flatly.

"You've been nothing but rude to me, and you only got ruder once you learned about my history with Danny."

Derek blinks. "What are you talking about?"

"Sure. Play dumb." Stiles rolls his eyes. He turns to face Derek now, surprised at how close they are together. It's not a huge balcony, but it's not that small either.

Derek looks down at Stiles, just slightly, and asks, "Talk to me like I'm dumb."

"Fine." Stiles lifts his head and bites his lip. Derek's eyes are unwavering on his. "You are the rudest person I have ever met. You totally changed your vibe around me after the news about Danny and I came out. You were stiffer, and not in like, a fun way. You wouldn't look me in the eyes. You just... grunted. A lot. Danny was my first. I was his first. It was all very sweet, but just because you're in love with Danny, doesn't mean you have like... claim on him. He's his own person. And he chose Jackson. So, I don't get why you're such an asshole to me."

Stiles is shaking now, but he doesn't care.

The crisp fall air has turned cold.

And then...

Derek kisses him.

Stiles would jerk back if he had the ability to think. But Derek's lips are hot against his, and suddenly, Stiles is grabbing onto Derek's sweater, and holding him there.

He'd be lying if he said this hadn't popped into his mind before. But he never thought... never in a million years imagined... never...

Derek pulls away, but not far.

His voice is soft but gruff when he says, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Then he turns on his heels and walks back into the party. As if he hadn't just given Stiles the best kiss of his life.

"What the fuck?" Stiles whispers, bringing his shaking fingers up to his lips.

He doesn't know what to make of that, so he stays out on the balcony until it's too cold, and then when he goes back into the party, Derek's already gone.

♞♚♞♚

He can't stop thinking about it. He might actually understand Erica's obsession with her phone and Boyd now. Stiles waits. He waits for some sort of flicker of hope that maybe Derek kissing him was real. That maybe it wasn't a fluke.

But no notifications ever come. No Instagram follow. No accidental Tweet like. Not even a Facebook friend request.

Stiles hates it.

♞♚♞♚

"Hey darling, I'm sorry, but I have to bail on our shopping trip today," Lydia tells him on the phone a few days later. "Allison had a rough time at home, and came back to campus early. I'm going to go over to hers, is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course," Stiles says, absentmindedly.

"Okay, thank you!" Lydia sends kisses through the phone and hangs up.

It takes him a minute to realize they've said goodbye and she's gone.

He's busy staring at Danny's messages in Whatsapp and debating on what to say.

Nothing sounds right.

hey your dumb roommate kissed me

hey can you fall in love after a single kiss

hey I was wondering if I could come over?

The last one, he sends.

Danny gives him a thumbs-up and Stiles makes his way over. He hesitates at the door, but it swings open and Jackson stands there.

"Jesus!" Jackson says. "You almost gave me a heart attack, Stilinski. What are you doing here?"

"Uhhh."

"We're going to hang out and play some video games!" Danny's voice comes from somewhere in the apartment.

"That," Stiles says.

"Alright," Jackson replies, shaking his head. "Just, like, knock next time." He pauses to call back to Danny. "Love you!"

"Love you too!" Danny shouts.

Jackson heads out and leaves the door open for Stiles. He slowly inches his way into the apartment and shuts the door behind him.

"Is, uh, Derek here?" Stiles asks.

"Huh?" Danny says, coming into the living room. He wears a bright smile. "No, no. He hasn't been around all week. Studying for some big test he has next week, I guess. The apartment's all ours."

"Where's Jackson going?"

"Oh, his dad's in town, so they're having dinner."

Danny gives Stiles a quick hug. "C'mon, let's play."

"Sure."

It's reasonable of Danny to assume Stiles wants to play a video game, but all he wants to do right now is ask about Derek. He shoves his questions deep down though.

At least, until he can't hold it in any longer. They're three hours deep into the newest game Danny bought and Stiles blurts, "Why would Derek kiss me?"

Danny freezes, pauses the game, and turns to look at Stiles. "He did what now?"

"He kissed me. At your party. On that balcony. Last week." Stiles breathes. He's finally told someone else and it feels good. "Why... why would he do that?"

"I... I honestly don't know," Danny says, slowly. His eyebrows come together. "Although, now that I think about it, he does ask about you sometimes."

"He does?" Stiles asks, hating how hopeful he sounds.

"Yeah. Like he asked if I had heard from you after the party," Danny explains. "I thought it was a little weird, but... Derek's kind of weird, y'know? Keeps to himself a lot."

"Right." Stiles bites his lip. "Okay, you know what, let's not talk about it anymore. Pretend it never happened."

Because that's what Derek's doing.

"Sure thing," Danny says, and hits play on the game. Stiles is almost instantly killed.

♞♚♞♚

Stiles is walking to class with Erica through the courtyard when he finally sees Derek for the first time since the party.

"Hey, I'm not feeling well suddenly." Stiles puts a hand over his stomach. "Dairy issues."

Erica scrunches her nose. "Gross, Stiles. You really don't need to tell me that every time. And also, stop eating dairy!"

Normally, he'd laugh, but he's too tense. "Catch you back at home?"

"Sure. Feel better," Erica says, kissing him on the cheek.

Stiles waits until she's in the building and out of sight before he crosses the courtyard. His heart pounds so loud he can hear it. He's losing his nerve the closer he gets, but he doesn't stop.

"You kissed me."

Derek swings his head up from his textbook. He meets Stiles' eyes and calmly says, "Yes."

"Why?" Stiles asks, slipping into the picnic table bench. "Because I've been thinking and thinking and nothing makes sense except--"

"I have a crush on you." Derek says it so clear-as-day, it almost shakes Stiles' core.

"But why?"

Derek swallows before answering. He keeps his voice low. "Because you are so unafraid to be yourself. Because you clearly care about our mutual friends. Because you show up with ice even when you're an hour late. Because you're loud and obnoxious and funny and a smart ass. Because you don't care that my parents are rich and my dad's the dean of our school. You treat me the exact same way. You don't tiptoe around me or ask me for favours or try to get in good with me to get in with my dad."

Stiles blinks. He's positive that at some point Danny told him about Derek's parents, but he didn't realize that people... did that to Derek because of them. He swallows.

"I... I see."

"Does that answer your question?" Derek asks.

"Yes. But I have one more."

Derek simply stares at him.

Stiles musters up all his courage and says, "Can we do it again?"

♞♚♞♚

[sapphosremains]

Thoughts on Calvinism?

This is so interesting bc the majority of posts about Calvinism on here have focused on its beliefs about predestination, so I want to try and buck that. As with everything on this blog you'll get a weird mix of personal religion and academic theology, so do shout if you only wanted one or the other and I'll try again! Another disclaimer: I have no formal reading or research on Calvinism - denominational theology isn't really my area, so anything in here is personal opinion and from brief research, but no real academic reading. I'll get round to it, but it's not the top of my list right now!

Starting with the unified idea against the Real Presence, with Calvinism teaching that the Eucharist is simply a reminder of Christ's sacrifice, personally I just can't agree. I am still working out where I am on trans/consubstantiation, but I do completely believe in the idea of the Real Presence, and reject a memorialist theology. To me, it just doesn't work that the Eucharist can be a sacrament yet only a reminder and a memorial (although to be fair, Calvin's alternate view of what a sacrament is dodges this issue, but I can't agree with it so still personally doesn't work).

Now, from what I've read, Calvinism seems pretty on the side of sola scriptura, which again as an anglocatholic I am not. I think there's a reason why Revelation is addressed to the churches, and why Jesus devoted so much time to His disciples. Do I think that the Church is possibly more fallible than scripture? Yes, that's why I'm not RC, but I think the Church and community is of utmost importance, and understanding of Christianity and rule of faith is reliant on the Church. Furthermore, I think that again there's a reason why the Pope is the Pope and I'm not, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is and I'm not! Not that I would suggest that Calvinists reject this idea, just that I think there is a chain of authority and expertise in the Church for a reason, and their view ought to carry more weight than mine, despite us both reading the same scripture.

Carrying on with this Church idea, despite what I've just said, I'm not sure about the idea of God's only communication being through Christ. I'll come onto other reasons, but the first one that landed concretely with me was the idea that the preaching of ministers about God is the Word of God. Mmmm. Not sure. I think it's quite a vain idea to suggest that humans, ordained or not, let alone a massive group of them all preaching different things can all be speaking the word of God. Even just think of a minister you know who's said something slightly off, or a denomination that is far off every other, or not to generalise but if you've ever watched a mega-church service... can they all be the Word of God? Makes me feel a bit icky. The other stuff about Christ and salvation being the only two methods of God's self-revelation I feel like I don't know enough theology about to write about, but my instinct is against.

Covenant theology to me just felt like another framework, and I'm not keen on it. So far what I've read of Calvinism just seems to me like it tries to restrict a divine and infinite being into finite and defined ways of working with humans, and I'm not super keen.

Social trinitarianism? Nuh uh. I just, no. Not sure what to say, I'm just a Nicene creed girly.

Now, getting into the stuff we see more on here, starting with total depravity. This one makes me sad. There was a really good post on here which I've just been looking for (similar to this post by @hymnsofheresy) and I wish I could find it but essentially just a different view of original sin, seeing it more as meaning that we cannot be perfect, and to prevent us being perfectionists because we are in a world which cannot let us be perfect. I really like this view. The Calvinist idea of total depravity meaning that we are displeasing to God, 'defiled and polluted' in his sight, and makes us 'naturally hateful to God' is just like what? God loves us. Yes, He hates sin, and sin is irrevocably linked to the person, but I can't believe that He hates us and finds us displeasing, defiled, and polluted from the minute we are conceived.

Now, predestination. Similarly to the original sin, I just think this is such a nihilist theology. I think if I believed that there was a chance that before I had a chance to have faith, or do good works, I was condemned to hell, no matter what I did, I would struggle to have faith. Why would one want to believe in a God if you think that He could have condemned you to hell before your existence, based on no characteristic of your own?

On a more flippant note (ha), I couldn't be Calvinist because I love music, and as cool as a cappella is, it definitely couldn't be my whole liturgical life (also I'm an organist!).

Hope this was somewhat interesting, and I hope not horrifically uniformed. What are your thoughts?

[tenshioffcial]

Bada Lee, You Are Not Alone. pt2

Warnings: suggestive content, smut, heavy make out sessions, Bada gets angry, toxic mother, Shower sex, Pet names, DomBada!, SubReader!, Mommy kink!, angst, Bada has a cock in this story but I'm not saying she is trans or anything it is just for the story.

part 2 - part 1

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*beep beep beep beep beep! * My alarm started blaring loudly and woke me up. The clock says 7:00 that gives me time to shower and pack the last small things before I got to go to my parents' house. I messaged Kristen, Audrey and Bada about our stay and what not then I hopped in the shower. I got out and maybe myself some toast and some eggs and ate it in a hurry anxious to get there so we can leave because I can't stand my mother anymore it's like she grown bitter now and doesn't love me anymore. I stopped thinking about that the second I heard a ring of my doorbell. "I'm coming!" I ran to the door and Kristen, Audrey and Bada walked in helping me pack my stuff into my car. Bada came with them, so I drive her with me when we head there. I hurriedly shoveled the food down the last two bites, and we got into the cars and went. The ride there was pretty chill Bada hardly spoke to me but kept holding my hand and touching my thigh. "Can I play some tunes?" She asked. I nodded and she found one that played You got it by Vedo and she started doing her own dance to it next to me in the car. We laughed and had fun till we got to my parents' house. My mood was ruined the second we arrived, Bada took notice of my mood change. "What's the matter angel?" I couldn't help but sigh. "It's nothing I'll tell you later, okay?" She didn't seem to like the response but nodded. We got out of the car, and I walked up to the front door and rang the bell, I can hear my annoying mother on the other side. She opened the door and acted like she was so excited to see me, but I knew damn well she wasn't. "Hello my Beautiful baby." 'God, she made me wanna gag.' I forced a smile. "Hi...mom!" 'God when can I leave???' Kristen can tell I'm not feeling so happy about this so to help me out thank God she cleared her throat to catch her attention. My mother and her dramatic-self gasped. "Oh, and you brought friends to stay too?" She giggled half-heartedly and I nodded. "Yep, I did, they are here for emotional support." She scoffed. "Sure, not that you really need them, you have me." I tried really hard not to laugh and call her bluff but then Bada noticed and stopped me. "Where can we leave our things Mrs. Y/l/n?" She smirked as if she won. "Upstairs the first room on the right is available and then the one right across is from it on the left is too." Bada nodded and we all came in and went upstairs. I ran past them to my old room and started screaming in my pillow. 'God why can't she and father understand me?' I heard a knock at my door. "Go away mom!" I started trembling and having a hard time not crying. My door got opened and felt her getting closer. "Mom please I don't want to argue anymore right now!" I started crying but then felt arms wrap around me in a tight hug and then a second pair and a third pair. It was Kristen, Audrey and Bada. I started sobbing on them and trying not to lose my grip on reality. After what only felt like seconds I pulled away and Audrey handed me a tissue. after wiping my tears away and blowing my nose I finally took a deep breath and looked to Bada. "This is all because neither of them supports my dream to be a dancer." All three of them looked at me in disbelief. "Wow why not? you do amazingly well." Audrey spoke. "I don't know but neither my mom nor my father wants me doing it because they don't think I make enough money doing it even though I am happy and am living my best life." They all nodded and Bada rubbed my back. "The worst part is she likes making me come here just to try and make me marry a rich guy because they want me to not dance anymore." I started crying harder again. Bada pulled me into a hug. "I swear to god this has me fuming and I want to go shit talk her so bad right now." I shook my head. "Don't Bada it won't end well." She sighed. "You sure? because I don't mind being her enemy at all knowing how she treats you." I blushed slightly but nodded. "I'm sure Bada." I snuggled closer into her. "However, I want to stay in your arms forever." Kristen and Audrey smiled to one another.

"We'll leave you guys alone." and just like that they left the room. "How about we move to snuggle in your bed beautiful?" I nodded and sat up off of her and she helped me to my feet. She laid down and patted the bed next to her to which I obviously compiled and snuggled right into her. "Bada?" She hummed in response. "Promise me that you will be here once I wake up?" She giggled at my child like request. "Yes angel I promise." I smiled and fell right to sleep.

Bada's POV:

I smiled at the beautiful girl sleeping but I climbed out of under her and went to the bathroom which I definitely thought she would've gotten up from it, but she stayed sleeping. I snuck downstairs to grab a snack and a drink, but when I came down there was a strange man who I knew wasn't Y/n's father standing in the kitchen talking to Y/n's mom. I tried to hurry and grab my snack and drink but... "You must be Y/n." The man said. I shook my head. "No who are you?" Y/n's mom stopped in front of me. "He is Kim Bae, and he is one of the many suiters for Y/n." 'God this woman is trying to ruin everything for me.' "Speaking of where is she?" I tried my damnedest to behave myself. "Sleeping upstairs." She sighed. "Well, she can meet you once she gets up." He smiled "fine I'll come by later." She nodded and sent him off kindly. I hurried back upstairs.

Y/n's POV:

I woke up wondering where Bada was she promised me she'd be here when I woke up, but she wasn't here. I started to get upset but as I did the door opened. I jumped up and grabbed her in a tight hug. "Don't leave me alone again please Bada." She sighed and hugged me back. "I won't sorry I wanted a snack and drink and then..." I lifted my head to meet her gaze. "Then what Bada?" She looked like she was unsure as to how she should tell me about this whatever this is. She took a deep breath. "Your mom has another rich man here for you to meet." It was my turn to sigh. "Yeah, she does this every time I come here." I looked up to Bada and she looks angry but what she did next, I was not ready for, she grabbed me by my cheeks and kissed me with lust and passion, it felt like I was floating on air from that kiss. She moved us to the bed and climbed on top of me and started kissing me rougher and caressing my body, she pulled away breathless. "You know...you're so beautiful." I blushed and giggled. "Thanks, you aren't too bad yourself baby." She smiled and chuckled lightly. "How about we shower together?" I nodded, "Yes we should." We both stood up and grabbed out clothes for afterwards. I started the water since I already gathered my clothes, a few minutes later Bada came in and tugged on my shirt to which I responded lifting my arms and she pulled it over my head. I then took hers off for her and she unclasped my bra, and I turned around to hers, but she froze staring at my naked breasts. I waved my hand in front of her face, so she'd look at me then she blushed once she made eye contact with me. I couldn't help but giggle and tease her a bit. "Do you like what you see baby?" "Are my breasts distracting you hm?" She sighed at me then let me undo her bra then she took my pants off and panties in one swift motion. I carefully took hers off but then once we were naked, we hopped in the shower. She started washing my hair for me and I did hers then she washed my body till her hands got close to my cunt then she panicked. "What's wrong Bada?" She seemed annoyed but then she chuckled lowly and pinned me to the wall of the shower with my ass towards her. "You really wanna play innocent here princess?" She grabbed me by my hair which caused me to moan and whimper. She chuckled again. "You like me pulling your hair baby?" I nodded but that earned me a smack to my ass. "Yes ma'am." She smirked proud of what she is achieving. She moved her right hand lower till she was caressing my ass then she started moving it lower and started touching my cunt till all the sudden I felt her fingers go inside of me. "Oh god yes!" She chuckled again. "You like that don't you my beautiful baby hm? you sound so pretty making those sweet noises all for me." I gasped getting closer to Cuming. "I-I'm so close mommy." she pulled them out now leaving me feeling empty. I was not ready for what was to come because she slammed her cock into me. "OH MY GOD MOMMY YES!" I screamed so much that I was breathless for a moment after. "Shhh you're gonna get us caught princess." I moaned louder. "I don't care I want her to know I don't want that guy and that I want you mommy." She smirked happily over that. "Your wish is my command, Babygirl." She fucked into me rougher and faster I could feel the knot forming in my stomach. "M-mommy! I-I'm gonna cum!" I came all over her cock and she came inside me. We were both panting from that heated sex. "Okay now let's finish up so I can go downstairs." I smiled at Bada as I spoke. She nodded and we hurried and got dressed. She held my hand as we walked down the stairs, and we were greeted by my mom trying to shove this guy on me. "Hey there, she is my beautiful daughter Y/n. Y/n this is Kim Bae he is a famous CEO at this big company, and he said he'd marry you." "Y/n I promise I'll be a good husband to you and father to our kids if you'll have me." I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Look Kim Bae, I bet you are an amazing guy but I'm not the right one for you besides I am in love with someone else." He nodded.

"It's okay I understand and thank you for your time." He got up and left. My mom however is mean mugging me. "What in the fuck is wrong with you!?" Kristen and Audrey came down and stood there listening. "What's wrong with me!? MORE LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MOM!?!?" She gasped dramatically as always. "I am only doing what is best for you with that shitty career and the shit people you are around you need to be around rich people and other people like your father and I." I was getting angrier by the minute. "No mom I don't because you and dad aren't doing what you want to do no you'd rather pretend you love your life instead of changing it to make yourself happy." She scoffed. "You are such a spoiled brat and never want to make life easier on yourself. which who is this person you are in love with? are they gonna be able to take care of you? are they gonna be able to make sure you live a happy life? no because you pick losers only." I was ready to leave this place right now and never return. "NO MOM, THEY LOVE ME AND PROMISE TO LOVE ME WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU NEVER DID YOU ALWAYS WANNA SHOVE ME OFF ONTO SOME RICH GUY WHO NEVER WILL LOVE ME THE WAY THIS WOMAN NEXT TO ME DOES!" She walked over and *Smack! * She hit me hard enough I fell to the floor. I looked up at her and stood up. "I hope you know you just lost your daughter forever." I walked upstairs and packed my things and Bada's things and brought our bags down. Bada the whole time was ready to hurt her for how she treated me. She hugged me and then walked over to my mother. "I swear if I ever see you hit her like that again you will have a lot more to worry about than her leaving, I plan to love her and treat her right through everything no matter what unlike you." She walked back to me and we all four got into the two cars. Bada and I sat there for a second. "Y/n listen I'm sor-" I cut her off to kiss her lips. "You were amazing in there Baby." I smiled at her as I said that. "Yeah, well I promised you I would never let you be alone again. You are not alone, and I will always be there for you." just like that we left unsure what our future holds but we'll get through it together.

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A/n: This was fun to write and emotional as fuck I'm just happy to write something this good for ya'll and If you guys have requests I'm always willing to write one. anyways I hope yall enjoyed this one and I plan to write some more stuff soon.

[prettynice8]

Hidan x preferably male reader

Okay I’m going anon because this is gonna be KINKY

Um anyway haha I’m talking hair pulling

I’m talking like uh biting

umm umm 😇 oh yeah like um

idk fucking…um maybe can you do A fucking trans ftm reader or some shit idfk if it’s just male that’s cool too i don’t know

like i don’t know sex that’s what usually happens ⁉️

i don’t know I’m so tired right now 😭 this is turning out not that kinky OH SHIT WAIT choking yeah that too but it needs to be HIM anyway yeah 😎 yeah anyway thanks im so tired so im not editing fucking *shit* but yeah hope this is readable anyway thanks bye im gonna go take a nap 😍

oh yeah but then it’s like he calls you a Bitch etc because it’s da- Hidan like ⁉️ anyway but we know he loves us 😌 stupid man couldn’t last a day without us with his horny ahh 😝😚✌️ okay bye for real why is this so long help im sorry they say im chatty but wow but yeah now bye 🥲💀

OMFG this was so funny I can't

Hidan x ftm male reader

This guy

Stuff: swearing, degradation, BDSM?, kinky shit, choking, biting, possessive Hidan, hair pulling, dom Hidan, subby reader, top Hidan, bottom reader, smashing, rough sex, hints of fluff

Word Count: 1,036

Notes: by far the most entertaining request I've gotten. And sorry if this isn't quite right, I'm cis so I don't know a whole lot. happy pride

Hidan had been gone for an awful long time on Akatsuki duty, a whole 3 months to be exact, far too long from his home, and more importantly far too long from his adorable little boyfriend. Though he's been gone even longer, this trip felt particularly difficult because he missed your final bottom surgery, and he secretly felt terrible.

Right when he walks into the house, he sees you and his gruff demeanor quickly brightens up, but just as quickly drops since he has to keep up a certain image and fawning over his boyfriend didn't particularly fit that.

The moment you see him your face beams, so you run and jump into his arms, which thankfully he's quick enough to catch you.

"I've missed you so much honey." You stated with a massive smile on your face. Hidan does his cool guy thing and simply gives you a slight smirk.

"God, you're acting so clingy, so fucking annoying." He said coldly. "How'd the surgery go?" He asked, clearly his compassion for you getting the better of him.

"Pretty well, it felt weird at first, guess you're lucky you didn't have to be there for the worst parts." You answered, still brightly smiling at him.

He looked down at you with an apologetic look for a moment, "Sorry I wasn't, I'll try better to stay with you." He said, his cool guy persona practically destroyed at this point, but you had to open your fucking mouth.

"Aw, you care about meeee." You cheekily exclaimed, causing his light smirk to darken into a glare.

"I care about you fucking ass, speaking of which..." He replied before tightly gripping your ass.

You yelp gayly at his tight grip before your bright smirk returns to your face, though in your eyes now there's a burning hint of lust. "Fuck yeah!" You cheered brightly before Hidan pulled your hair, pulling your head to the side and exposing your neck, which he dived into the crook of your neck, attaching his canines to the spot.

He starts aggressively nipping at your neck, you would call them love bites but with the way he does it, they're hate bites, but you still continue to moan lightly. He continues this assault on your neck before going to sucking.

He sucks at a certain part of your neck, leaving a dark purple mark in his wake, causing your moans to get even louder. He multiplies into several deep purple marks until your neck is a mess of purple and red marks scattered throughout.

Hidan continues his sucking even through carrying you to your guys' shared bed, only stopping after finally laying you down. He then crashes his lips into yours, creating a kiss made of only teeth and tongue.

His kiss is powerful as his tongue completely dominates your own, causing you to moan deeply into the kiss. He then tries out your brand of penis, cupping the clothed member in his hand, causing your sounds to become even more frequent in the passionate kiss.

He takes your pants off and starts jerking you off, pumping his hand along your now hard cock.

"How is it? Now I have a new way to make you act like a fucking slut." He stated, both tightening and quickening his grip on your cock, causing you to moan at an ear shattering noise as you burst into his hand.

He licks up the cum on his hand, licking up as much as he can before stripping the rest of your clothes off you, and then soon after his own.

Hidan then flips you over so that you're on all fours and winds his hand up, causing it to quickly come crashing down on your ass in a powerful spank. You shriek in a mix of pain and pleasure, loving that you have your boyfriend back and he hasn't changed at all.

He roughly pulls your hair back to gently kiss you on the cheek, the duality of men. "I missed you." He said lightly. What a kind and uncharacteristic thing to say, he fixes this by plunging his cock into your already lubricated hole.

You already prepared before he came home. Hidan is a lot of things and one of them is consistent. He doesn't give your preparation a single thought as he thrusts his hips roughly into you, pounding the shape of his cock back into you.

"Sorry bitch, I just figured that you've probably gotten too tight, I had to re-loosen you up." He said, and loosen you up he does.

He thrusts his cock wildly and almost painfully into you, causing your moans to only crescendo and fill the room, along with the sound of skin quickly slapping into each other.

He wraps his hand back around your hard member, only quickening, because of course he still can, his pace into you. Hidan matches the pace of his hips with that of his hand, making you putty into his hands, literally, since he causes you to once again burst in his hand.

He quickened his pace as he reached his upcoming orgasm, filling your insides with his warm seed. He slows down his hips, gently rubbing your sides that have been bruised by the same hands, but he is far from done.

He goes right back to fucking you, his big cock rearranging your insides. His hands pull you hair back so painfully that tears develop in your eyes, a mix of the pain and amazing pleasure you were feeling, evident from how you have your now third orgasm of the night, eliciting the loudest moan yet, which is saying a lot.

He quickly flips you over and traps you into a deep and powerful kiss, one that is strangely warm and loving from him, before he once again cums in your abused hole.

He keeps his cock in your ass, still very far from being done, but he wants to stay like this with you for a few moments, holding you tight in his arms as he rests his head on your chest.

He gently traces the scars there, happy to have this moment with you. "Hope you're ready for round 3 bitch."

THE END

[hermitw]

Jjk theories / opinions / thoughts part 3 uwu (they are becoming more stupid and less coherent, let's go)

-Gege began the rumor about sukuna drinking his own milk. It is TOO MUCH OF SOMETHING GEGE WOULD SAY I cannot be convinced otherwise

-Gojo's twink death happened in the prison realm

-kenjaku was involved in founding the star religious group. He's already been making pacts with sorcerers for a thousand years, so putting him in the Nara era isn't a stretch. We already know he made several attempts to interrupt the star plasma vessels. (yes I blame him for every thing ever. His fault. And I think he'd rather watch things crumble than do the work directly bc then it's like a game, unexpected things happen and it's more interesting. Bro is always playing games even with curses smh)

-Hakari would have started a fight club to fund Kirara's transition. Idk if the higher ups would have had issues w trans students or just with Hakari's unconventional domain and methods (not hesitating to lose a foot bc he'll get it back, for example), but Gojo called them a lot of variations of conservative idiots so it seems likely I think. And they left the school before she even came out, bc Panda didn't know.

-kinda unfair that Yuta gets to transfer into Gojo with his best outfit on, he didn't have to dress like Edward Cullen for years to get there (pls don't get offended I swear to God it's a joke but also I do kinda feel this way lmaoooo)

-how the fuck do nanako and mimiko's technique work? They're twins right? I get the feeling like Mimiko can't use one on her own, but she likes to threaten people with her doll and Nanako can hang people with it. I rly wish we got to see them more (I want to believe they survived sukuna bc Geto would have prepared those girls to stay safe, maybe there's just a time lag or something pls)

IN THE AIRPORT SCENE there's even Toji but those girls are not there so that gives me hope I kajahxkakdn (I get that maybe it's Gojo's mindscape but how would he have known that Haibara showed up to Nanami? It's not just his imagination imo, those girls are alive, I need them to be.)

-I miss rainbow dragonnnnnnnn I'm so sad and still mad at toji (despite my theory that he lost himself bc the worm is banana fish I'm just bitter lmao)

-I'm so fucking sad that we didn't get to see Hanami's domain. So I made one up myself but I don't have a name for itnkajsxjskmax I just think Hanami needed a redemption arc like Choso got :(((

-the other dubs are so fkn good that when I'm tired of it I'll just play that shit in another language. The first minute of the series in French tho made me laugh so hard I had to change it. But the exchange event in German was so good

-remember when Megumi brought out Max Elephant against Noritoshi Kamo? It's like. He knew that the blood manipulation weakness was water. Maybe that's a benefit of growing up in one of the 3 major clans.

-I feel like no one ever talks about how Megumi lost Orochi AND one of the demon dogs that was with him since he was a kid when he also watched Sukuna rip out Yuuji's heart. Like we all talk about how he gets more upset over losing animals than people but all 3 of those events at once... I was rly sad at first bc I wanted to see the snake more too.

-Megumi's head bleeding in every fight for most of the anime is meant to represent that his weakness is in his head.

-when it's raining, that shows that the characters are up against something bigger than they are prepared for. (I made a whole list of every use of water and its symbolism but God I feel insane)

-the shibuya arc hurts less to watch after the first 5 times (I think? I'm on My 9th watch and I think 2 1/2 read. It's hard to keep track at this point)

-I want to see the extended mahoraga vs sukuna fight in theaters I'm so jealous oh god

-I cannot be convinced that a single character in this show is heterosexual. Everyone is gay except for hakari ig but he's an ally so

-I think that Miguel and Larue might be together but idk

-kinda weird that no one mentioned nanako or mimiko (like how no one mentioned todo and he was fiiiiiine I knew he was having fun in the culling game the whole time)

-despite how much I love hanami, my favorite animated Gojo scenes are when he is exorcising them. The English dub especially oh god

[perfidious-prophet]

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

[johannesviii]

So uh

The Power of the Doctor surely was one of the episodes of all time

Where do I even fucking start

Let's cut to the chase, narratively it was all over the place in a "let's throw everything at the wall to see what sticks" kind of way. The thing is, it was fun. It made no sense but it was still enjoyable. Why was the Master cosplaying Rasputin? Why 1916? What was the point of the Dalek traitor? Why the paintings? Who cares, I'm having the time of my life watching all this shit 7,5/10

Why Tegan and Ace, for that matter? Because it's fun to see them again, that's why. I'll take it. Tegan was especially great. Also Ace wasn't a CEO so bonus points for that

Why was Graham even here

Why the train

Why the Qurunx

Why the uh everything about the Daleks and the Cybermen and no-one getting betrayed or in-fighting in the process

Why do I care

Dan's arc started with him having no money and ends with him having no house. That's kinda bleak for a comic relief companion

I don't know how to feel about Tennant being the Doctor again? It's weird and interesting and I can't wait to see what they do with this, and I find it supremely ironic that the Doctor who was the most terrified of death is the one who will get to die THREE TIMES in this series - but at the same time, I really wanted to see Ncuti Gatwa and I feel like he's been robbed of his thunder, kind of? I don't know, it feels weird

Considering Chibnall's focus isn't usually on character arcs I wasn't expecting Thirteen's ending to have any kind of dramatic irony, but having very low expectations for this specific era was a blessing, because one of the things I desesperately wanted to see was this control freak of a Doctor, who never explains anything to her friends, being forced to rely entirely on her friends, and also completely losing control. And that's exactly what I got here. Yes. Very good

The Qurunx assuming the form of a child because it wants to be protected. The parallels with the Timeless Child. Exquisite

And that bit where she's hit by a deadly energy blast and she's carried back to the TARDIS like this?? Complete inversion of the trope of the Doctor carrying a companion and I loved it

Oh god look at Yaz. Yeah that's right, you can only hold her while she's literally dying! That's the only time she'll be in your arms! And she's DYING!! And then you have to say goodbye!! I'm feeling normal about this

I've already seen quite a few Thasmin fans screaming bloody murder and to be honest I get it but like. I'm also digging how tragic this is

I wasn't asking for a kiss but like. When they were on the TARDIS' roof. I wanted one of them to put her head on the other's shoulder. Was that too much to ask

Pretty fitting that Yaz joins the circle of Recovering Doctor Addicts at the end after that and oh god don't get me started

The empty chair for Sarah Jane?? Don't talk to me

Is Ian even aware that regeneration exists or was he just like "wait so the Doctor is trans? Good for her"

WHAT WAS THE "POWER" OF THE DOCTOR WAS IS TO LEAVE A SHIT TON OF TRAUMATISED PEOPLE IN THEIR WAKE BECAUSE IF THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANT I'M HOWLING

Here's the Doctor's power! You all need therapy now!!

"How many Doctors are there" GOOD QUESTION NOBODY KNOWS

SPEAKING OF WHICH

FIVE SIX SEVEN AND EIGHT ON SCREEN. I FUCKING SCREAMED

BANTER BETWEEN SEVEN AND EIGHT ABOUT CLOTHES?? HELLO??? THE SURREAL LANDSCAPE?? ADRIC'S DEATH BEING MENTIONED IN NEW WHO?? HELLO????

Why is Ace apologizing to Seven when he should be apologizing to HER and why am I even asking. Who cares that was so cool

Eight on screen EIGHT ON S C R E E N how am I supposed to feel NORMAL ABOUT THIS I WANT TO SCREAM I WANT TO CRY

OH SPEAKING OF WANTING TO CRY

TIME TO GET EMOTIONAL AND CRINGE ON MAIN ABOUT A FUCKING IDIOT WHO SPENT HALF THE EPISODE COSPLAYING RASPUTIN FOR NO REASON AT ALL AND MENTIONING HE USED TO BE A FURRY IN THE EIGHTIES

I turned off Anon asks so if any of you want to send me a new round of hate regarding the fact I love that Master which apparently makes me a fake fan or a Missy hater or something, you'll have to use your actual usernames, cowards. You know who you are

"Johannes shut up about that Master's supposed self-loathing that's not in the text that's just your headcanon to make him more interesting" OH YEAH YEAH CLEARLY I'M MAKING THINGS UP UH CLEARLY THIS IS NOT IN THE TEXT UH

THIS MF'S ENTIRE BULLSHIT PLAN WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO STOP BEING HIMSELF FOR A MINUTE AND BECOME THE DOCTOR HI HELLO YES I'M FEELING NORMAL ABOUT THIS

"DON'T LET ME GO BACK TO BEING ME"

"DON'T LET ME GO BACK TO BEING ME"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK FUCK FUCK

I'm not making sense right now I'm sorry

"IF I CAN'T BE THE DOCTOR NEITHER CAN YOU" I want to scream I want to punch a fucking wall why are you like this why. are you. like THIS

The feelings are indescribable and I can't put them into words right now and I will have to make some art to make them go away, I don't make the rules I don't even have a choice at this point

TLDR this episode was a badly written narrative mess and full of fanwank and Doctor Who is terrible and I love Doctor Who with all my heart and I feel more alive than ever right now

[mgc02]

Yandere Blitzø X Trans Masc reader who works as a nurse

My apologies I know little to nothing about the medical field but I tried my best so just try to brush off any inaccuracies

Need Medical Attention After Falling For You

Yandere Blitzø x Trans Masc Nurse Reader

TW: sexual harassment, stalking, kidnapping, nonconsensual touching, toxic behavior, being drugged/chloroform

You were so exhausted already...

The day had barely begun and for some reason the entire sloth ring all collectively decided to get sick it seemed. But you tried to remind yourself why you loved this job. You loved helping people. Sure there were days like this where you wanted to tear your hair out but other days you felt such a warm feeling from the smile of a child you gave a sticker for doing a good job or the deep appreciation an elderly person gave you for being so patient with them. Not to mention the paycheck was nice and so were the benefits. The insurance basically completely covered your gender affirming care

After a quick break and thinking about these things you were in better spirits. So you went back to work to see your newest patient. And you stopped in your tracks at the sight of him

He was bleeding. Profusely. From a bullet wound in his abdomen. He was tall for an imp and in dark clothes with white scars covering half his face and up his arms and probably most of his body

You immediately panicked trying to call for backup. Why hadn't he been rushed into emergency care? He could bleed out

"Geez! Relax! It's like you never seen a bullet wound before" he said so casually. You tried to calm yourself

"Why, don't we get you to emergency care so they can remove that bullet" you tried to reason with him

"Nah, you can just take it out and patch me up I'll be fine" he replied. Was he serious? He at least had to wait for the doctor

"The doctor will be in shortly if you do not want to go to emergency care. Just hang in there" you almost wanted to go fetch the doctor yourself but you were scared to leave him alone for long with an injury like that

"I can't wait that long. You can take care of me, can't you? Or did they only teach you to look pretty and take orders at nursing school? " he said in a bit of an inappropriate tone. Was he flirting with you or insulting you? You realized that you didn't have much of a choice. So you promptly went and grabbed medical supplies before returning and seeing that he had removed some of his clothes so they wouldn't get in the way. He was wearing nothing but pants

"You shouldn't move around too much I could've removed the clothes for you" you said professionally however he did not fail to notice an opportunity in your statement. "You upset you didn't get to take my clothes off?" He suggested

Why was he flirting with you so much? This was very inappropriate. You calmed yourself and tried to focus as you offered him some pain medication but he turned it down. "I like the pain a little" God damn it he needed to stop that!

You disinfected the wound watching him wince. Then you promptly grabbed the appropriate tools and dug out the bullet. Applying pressure quickly to keep down any bleeding. You stitched him up quickly and applied bandages.

Even though you weren't exactly dying to see him again you knew it would be risky for him to try and replace the bandages himself

"You'll need to come back regularly to have the bandages replaced" you told him begging in your mind for him to not make another flirty comment or sexual innuendo

"Lucky me I get to see your handsome face again. It was real fun to come by and... play nurse with you" he got awfully close but you back away

"Make your next appointment at the desk, have a nice day" you tried very hard to give off the impression that you've been trying to give him the entire time, that you had no interest in him that way. This was a professional setting and that was the nature of you're relationship nothing more

He left not before grabbing a handful of too many lollipops out of the bowl on the counter and giving you a wink on his way out

Ever since that encounter you would see him all the time. Usually at work. He often came by because his stitches had opened back up. You told him to take it easy he clearly wasn't doing that. But sometimes you even ran into him outside of work. You must be so unlucky

You brushed it off whenever he knew a piece of information about you that you didn't remember giving him. You must've told him at some point.... Though you tried not to discuss your personal life with him. It was hard since he always chit chatted with you. And of course he flirted. Every time. Having no sense of personal boundaries

But everything changed when you were attacked on your way to work. You usually took the bus but it hadn't shown up in a while causing you a significant amount of stress. You decided to start walking. You hadn't noticed the three men stalking you before it was too late. You were knocked to the ground in an instant. They clearly wanted to mug you. You tried to stay down as they searched you but then you heard a blast of gunshots and saw them all fall

You were weak but tried to stand up before a cloth came over your mouth. You blacked out

You woke up in an abandoned warehouse tied up. You tried to struggle free but whoever tied you up knew what they were doing

"Don't panic that's just for your protection" the familiar voice said. You filled with dread before you even saw him. "Blitzø?" You asked hazily still struggling from the affects of whatever was on that cloth

"You really had me worried. But now it's all finally over." He said as he approached you. He caressed your face. "Sooner than you think, you'll come around and we can be together. But for now I'll take care of you. Like you took care of me so often" he sounded so soft which was different from what you were used to with him. He was usually obnoxiously flirting or invading your personally space while making the occasional filthy joke

You wondered how long he'd been obsessed with you. Had he been stalking you? Was that how he knew-oh god... you're thoughts became a blur upon your realization "it's ok, its ok" he interrupted your thoughts and pulled you into him

"I'm not gonna let anything happen to you" he whispered to you as he held you. "I should probably mention I have a daughter. You'll love her. But first let's spend some quality time together. Just the two of us" he nuzzled you affectionately

"You healed me in more ways than one"

[beatrixstonehill2]

"What's that?" Sabrina asked her boss, who was taking her out to dinner.

"Just a little gift, you might want to consider using." He held open a case with a syringe in it, as well as a vial of testosterone.

"Mr. Campbell! I don't know what to say.... You really want me to take this? But...."

"Well, you did mention the last time we slept together that you wanted a bigger penis, and stronger orgasms."

"But! I can't detransition..... Nobody at the office but you even knows I'm trans. If I take that...."

"You'll go through puberty as a man. Of course, my pet. Your bone structure will change, your pretty face will look masculine, your voice will deepen, you'll grow facial hair, and probably hair on those spectacular breasts of yours...."

"I.... Is this what you want? Me to be a boy?"

"Well, I like both, but to be truthful, what I want is to see you detransition at the office. I want you to act like everything's normal, flirt with the guys around the office, be your normal, beautiful self. But I want to hear your voice crack when you talk, I want to see your beard come in, and you scrambling to shave it twice a day. I want to see those breasts grow thick hair, I want your face to look undeniably male, for you to have a big Adam's apple pop up, and for you to get painfully big erections you can't hope to tuck or cover up....."

"Oh my God.... that's so hot! Mr. Campbell, you really want to see me go through all of that? I don't know what to say. Imagine how everyone around the office will react. They'll totally flip out seeing me masculinize like that.... it might be kind of fun."

"That's the spirit. Just tell them you were born a boy and you think it's finally time to stop playing dress up.... Don't worry, after a few months of detransitioning I'll pay to have your breasts removed, too, so you look the part, darling."

"Of course, Mr. Campbell! Can't be a guy if I'm walking around with a big, fat pair of GG-Cup breasts...... I'd look totally ridiculous."

"Yes, you would, darling. What a silly thing for a perverted boy to want to have...."

"Fuck, my cock is getting hard.... I can't believe I'm going to do this for you...."

"Good boy. Now, I want you to go into the men's room and take this, if anyone asks what you're doing in there, you're to show them your cock and tell them you're actually a man. Got it?"

"Yes, Mr. Campbell.... I can't wait to finally see myself as a boy, and have a huge, juicy cock to play with...."

[fatuifucker]

third stream: desire for approval

[art cr: kuroume_1024 on twt]

bratty trans! streamer! scaramouche x dom fem-sex reader (they/them pronouns used for reader)

SUMMARY = how far would you go for attention?

WARNINGS = please view the sucker series masterlist for the full warnings! smut, penetration (reader giving), brat taming, asphyxiation, boobplay, use of the word “cunt”, use of pet name "angel" + "cumslut" + similar language, scara has nipple and navel piercings, womb tattoo, lingerie, self-sexualisation, codependence, unhealthy relationship, suicide ideation, self-harm, gender dysphoria, transphobia, attempted self-mutilation, implied domestic abuse

W/C = 2.6k

A/N = my word count is getting higher and higher be proud of me!! i was actually intending on writing a valentine's fic instead but uh ig you can take this as the late valentine's day fic instead lol. this may be my last x reader for a while for i would like to focus on more character x character. there are some zines im interested in participating and i want to have fics that i can use for my portfolio bc i don't think character x readers do good for zines lol oh yeah also little shoutout to the usernames featured in scara's stream!!

TAGS = @midnxght-sweet-time, @barbatosfavouritenun, @edenialucas, @huboi, @nejibot, @yumixxn, @teallapril

P-chan should be cute, pretty, handsome. Appearance-wise, they are perfect. Their gender doesn't matter but I want someone with a body like mine. I don't like nuisances so they have to be calm and collected. They have to be rational so they can comfort me and stop me from making impulsive decisions.

I want them to be independent but not too independent. They'll need me to command them like a pet. Maybe like a bunny? They could be that innocent-looking type but is secretly horny for me hehe. I'll have to work out the details later. But it's fine even if they are unsure about their personality. People like that tend to rely on the self-assured more. Maybe I could even dress up in the clothes I can't wear.

They won't be able to live without me.

—

“Ohh…it’s soh gud,” Scara moans, her tongue trailing up the melting popsicle before sucking on it. “Mmm…I might get addicted...”

The stream chat floods with comments; majority of it being provocative remarks. Just the reaction she intended. Although Scara hates to be sexualised by her fans, she knows that suggestive content rakes up the viewer count the fastest.

Almost halfway to a month, yet she hasn’t even reached half a million yet. She doesn’t have much time so even if that means that she has to whore herself like this…

“Mmm it’s sticking all over my fingers…” Scara licks the vanilla cream off her fingers, exaggerating her noises as she continues sucking on the popsicle. “It’s a good thing I took off my gloves. Or else it would have been allll over me.”

cauldron-of-anon: you know what else is creamy and drips all over

eunchaeluvr: I LOVE ICE CREAM

bubiblossom: god Im so happy I was born

cinshaberu: big…

leefrfr: that looks good

yourmomsucksme: YESYESYESYESYES

vermillionbun: THANK YOU SCARA

Scara giggles as she licks a strip up the popsicle. Hm, but it’s about time she ended the stream. All this sugary sweet stuff is cloying…ugh. She finishes the popsicle sensually and cleans her hands with a wet wipe.

“Thank you for the meal, it was delicious. I have to meet up with a friend so I’ll respond to the superchats another time.” Scara blows a kiss, mouse hovering over the ‘end stream’ button. “So long suckers!”

—

You’ve reached another milestone today. It’s funny how the other day, both you and Kunihiko were worried about his stagnancy. Today, he has surpassed 50k subscribers. Since this genre of streams garners the most viewers, maybe it’s okay to ask him to do more sexy streams. Probably not too much though. You don’t want Scara to come out as just another female streamer selling her body for clout. Conspiracy theories seem to do well…that goes for her ‘Scara Tries Things’ series. You’ll have to make her work harder these upcoming days, especially since she’s been slacking off lately. You’ve been trying not to push Kuni too hard but—

You blink as your phone is snatched away from you. “You’re still doing work?”

“Yes, that’s my job as your producer.” You stare at Kuni.

Your boyfriend scowls, grabbing your forearm. “Right now I need you to do your job as my partner.”

You don’t make any effort to resist as Kuni drags you like a ragdoll, grunting when he tosses you onto the bed. You sit there, waiting for Kuni to finish changing and give you your orders for the night. In the meantime, you occupy yourself by looking around.

Kuni didn’t have any requests for a themed room so you chose a classy one. The room was laden with rich reds and blacks, a jacuzzi and a drawer stocked with condoms, lube, all the essentials. In truth, it looked like any expensive hotel room, except that the fee for this one was much cheaper that any 5 star hotel. The good thing about love hotels is that they are soundproof — meaning Kuni is going to make you fuck him all night so he can savour the experience of moaning as loud as he wants without alerting the neighbours. Speaking of which, he wanted you to wear something, didn’t he? It should be the one on the table…

Unveiling the contents of the paper bag reveals an angel-themed lingerie set. The bodysuit is made out of fine white satin, decorated with ribbons at the shoulder straps, tulle around the hips, and etched with cloud patterns. Matching the set of white ribbon garters are sheer cloud-covered unattached sleeves that look like it extends past your elbows, looping around the middle finger to partially cover the top of your hands and leaving the rest bare. Without batting an eye, you shed your clothes off and dress yourself in the gifted outfit.

“Are you done?” Kuni calls from the bathroom after a few minutes.

“Yes.”

You sit on the bed, watching as your boyfriend exit the bathroom. A devilish grin rests on his carmine-lined lips as he sashays in black stilettos. He’s dressed head to toe in black leather — from the bodysuit, to the arm sleeves and stockings — but the bodysuit specifically emits a sort of polychromatic glow, shifting to a shimmering purple under the fluorescent light. The whole outfit hugs his body tight, squeezing his body in certain areas that pulls attention to the exposed skin spilling out his thighs and his chest… Your gaze darts back to his eyes, heart thumping upon realising that he is right in front of you.

Kuni chuckles. “What? You embarrassed?” He takes your hand, placing it on his chest. “Don’t be. I wore this just for you, you know?” Entranced, your eyes follow the movements of his other hand, watching as he unzips the zip on his waist, pushing down the waistband to display the pink, heart-shaped tattoo on his pelvis; resembling those typical womb tattoos you see in hentai. “You’re my sweet, obedient angel. And you’re going to reward this naughty succubus for working so hard for the both of us.” Kuni shoves you down on the bed, letting you sit in your state of shock as he purrs into your ear. "Get your toys. They are on the bedside table."

Sure enough, there's your bullet vibrator and buttplug; the ones Kuni asked you to bring today. You turn the motor to its maximum speed, goosebumps all over your skin as it makes contact with your sex. Next goes the plug, which you make sure to lubricate before inserting it into your puckered hole. When you lift your head, Kuni’s stinging violet gaze is locked upon you, a smirk on his carmine lips as he plays with his covered clit. You immediately turn your attention down, removing his underwear with hurried fingers and latching onto the swollen bub.

Soft thighs wrap around your head as your tongue switches its focus on his leaky cunt. Juices drip all over your tongue as you dive into him, eating him like a gourmet buffet. The whir of the vibrator reverberates off the insulated walls, rousing the fire in your groin that stupefies you into shaking your ass, savouring the sensation of your hole squeezing around the plug. Your eyes flit back up to your lover, his lust-filled eyes fixed onto you. His cunt oozes with ambrosial nectar, and you lap it up like a starved creature, goaded by his saccharine moans. A squeal reveals the arrival of his high, manicured nails digging into the sheets before vitality deserts him, leaving him laying limp on the bed.

The strained, rapid breaths becomes the only source of sound in the room once the motor is turned off. What fills the space of silence is rustling, followed by a click and then followed by a wet noise of viscous liquid. Kuni spreads his legs as your body hovers over him, a tired look on his face. He senses your hesitation.

“Don’t give that look,” he sneers. “I already gave you permission to ruin me. Unless…” he juts his bottom lip out, eyebrows lowered in a display of mockery. “you’re backing away now because you realised you can’t do it. No matter how cool, calm and controlled you think you are, I’m the one who holds dominion over you. Without my orders, you’re hopeless. You don’t know what to do because I’m the one who holds the power. Without me, you’re— ah!!”

His back arches into a crescent as the strap spears him without warning. Without giving him time to adjust, you’re grinding your hips against his, slamming the cock in and out while he cries in pleasure.

“Yes, yes, yes! Use me! Break me! Fix me! Oh god, please, please, please—!”

The force of your thrusts jostles Kuni against the bed, incandescent light shifting the polychromatic purples of his collar that just beckon you to wrap your hand around the thin neck. The added pressure around his neck makes him mewl in delight, hands guiding your free hand up his hips, past his navel piercing, and landing on his chest.

“Touch my boobs…” he rasps.

“I don’t recall giving you permission to order me around,” you say with a bite in your voice, tugging on one of his nipple piercings to make him squeak. “Do I have to punish you for your insolence?” Nonetheless, you turn your attention to his chest, peppering it with kisses and hickeys, suckling on his nipples, all to make the little brat writhe under you. 

“(Name)...” he whines. “Punish me, ruin me, I don’t care! I don’t care about anything as long as you need me— aah…think of me and no one else! Want only me, love only me, love me, love me, love— haaah~!! I’m cumming, I’m—!”

His orgasm is signified by a shower of translucent strings streaming out of his soaked cunt, essence staining the floor and sheets in splatters. Kuni wheezes for air once you release the hold on his neck, arms wrapping around you as he basks in the momentary peace.

“Are you okay? Was I too rough?”

“I…I can do it again…” he says in between breaths, pushing himself up with his elbows. “Come on, I’m your…I’m your succubus, aren’t I? You…you have to punish me…”

You shrink back. “Kuni, I really think you need a break—”

A sudden weight thrown onto you interrupts your monologue. You blink, seeing your smirking boyfriend has switched positions with you; with you now underneath him while he’s on top of you.

“Oh I’m much stronger than you think. This body is curated for you…for all of your desires and wants. So, do your worse,” He cusps your cheek, lips covering over yours. “and dig in.”

Kuni kisses you with fervour, determined to infect you with his lust. An unwelcome sense of unease churns instead.

—

The sharp pain makes Kuni's body tingle with adrenaline, foggy eyes watching scarlet sanguine spill out the wound. His chest rises and falls as he pants, shaking fingers bringing the bloodied blade to slash an untouched portion on his wrist. He lets the high consume him, a penumbra that suppresses the emotional turmoil threatening to boil over the messed up pot that is him. Yet that high is all-consuming, and it begs for more. Cloudy indigos flit up to the mirror, a blurry figure reflecting back his ugly existence and that ugly chest that proves of his inferiority as a man.

"Cut your hair? But you’re the most beautiful with long hair."

"Where did you get those shorts? A pretty girl like you should wear dresses."

"Why does she dress like that?”

"Huh? But…you’re a girl."

Shut up, shut up.

”Kuniko, do you really think that anyone in this world will accept you as a boy?”

Shut up, shut up, shut up shut up shut up—

"Do you want to bleed out?"

Kuni ignores the way his raised hand trembles, grumbling as he glares at the person standing by the door. "Wasn't intending to. But if I die from blood loss, it wouldn’t be a bad thing either."

"I would be upset." You take a step forward, stopping when he inches the razor closer to his chest. "You know, if you wanted to get rid of them, we could always visit a professional. Surgery would be safer–"

“Do you think I give a shit about my safety?!” Kuni screams, beads of tears pouring like a waterfall. “I want to die! I don’t want to exist anymore, why don’t you get it?!”

“What makes you think that I don’t?”

“You…you…” Kuni swallows, his dry mouth making speech a burden.

“Maybe I don’t want to live either," You say. "but I still want you to survive.”

Kuni laughs dryly. “How selfish of you.”

“How ironic of you of all people to say that."

He doesn’t respond to that.

“I need you just as much as you need me. We can’t survive without each other.”

“I know.”

“I’m here because you want me to stop you. You want me to make you feel better.”

“...Yes.”

“How do you want me to do that?"

“...Hold me."

A trace of warmth swathes him; barely there but still enough. Kuni leans against the cold wall, quiet sobs echoing through the tiny room, caged in this claustrophobic space. The air is cold and suffocating, but he knows it will be okay because you’re here. It will be okay, because (Name) is here. (Name) is always with me. (Name) can never leave me. He closes his eyes, letting your gentle scent waft into his nose. He takes apart the scent: an amalgamation of lavender, sandalwood and sage, like the aromatherapy candles he lights. If he focuses, he can feel your warm, calming breaths brushing against his ear, reminding him that you’re there. You’ll always be there for him, and nothing will change that. It takes a while but slowly, his breaths even out, settling into a steady cadence.

You let go of him. His eyes are fixed on the floor.

“Are you okay?” You ask, caressing his dishevelled locks.

His gaze doesn’t leave the floor. “I can handle more than this.”

The sound of muffled shouting interrupts the quiet conversation. Kuni winces, looking at the direction of the disturbance. He recognises the voices but tunes out the repetitive string of words, palms cupping his ears while his back slides down the wall. The voices get louder and louder, accompanied by clashes of porcelain and the collide of wood against other household objects. He doesn’t register that he’s shaking until the familiar warmth surrounds him again.

“Let’s watch KAngel.”

—

[You received a text from Kuniku<3!]

Kuniku<3: (name)

Kuniku<3: ur asleep right?

Kuniku<3: couldnt sleep so i went out for a walk lol

Kuniku<3: i brought along the switchblade u bought me

Kuniku<3: in case a perv wants to catch a case hehe

[Kuniku<3 is typing…]

Kuniku<3: hey

Kuniku<3: you know i hate being alone right?

Kuniku<3: whenever you leave me for too long

Kuniku<3: im afraid that you realised you dont need me after all

Kuniku<3: i have to rely on you

Kuniku<3: but do you still need me?

Kuniku<3: or do i have to make you depend on me more?

[Kuniku<3 is typing…]

Kuniku<3: i want to disappear

Kuniku<3: i want to die

[Message Deleted]

Kuniku<3: hope my favourite cumslut got a good rest <3

Kuniku<3: i’ve been doing a good job right? sooo u will give me a break right?

Kuniku<3: i took the liberty of picking date ideas so what do u wanna do??

[Your answer]

[miscling]

about miscling (v3)

This is a horny blog for horny blog things. Please don't interact if you're a minor/under 18, go away, shoo. if you follow me, make sure to have some indication of your age in your bio or pinned. i will block you if you don't and you'll miss out on *gestures at self* all this.

call me misc! i am a miscellaneous changeling. a fae creature that is also a doll, girl, toy, kitty, and mama. i'm trans, non-human, queer, kinky, subby, poly, autistic, ADHD, and from the UK. i'd like to meet others who are like me to chat with. i'm particularly keen on developing more t4t connections for play and adventures. for the record, i am a post-op trans woman with a cunt.

this blog is all about engaging in kink. i play regularly and post about the play i engage in. i also post about the play i want to engage in, adventures i go on, and about the weirdness around my own self and identity. i love talking about kink and i love talking about doing kink. i post writings about kink, post pictures with kink, and reblog so many kinky posts about so many different kinks. this blog is so much fun for me.

i love getting asks so send me ideas and fantasies and i'll happily bounce off them and write my own takes on them, or name any kink and i'll infodump everything i know or feel about it. i post about hypnokink, dollification and dronification, masochism and tickling, kitty petplay, mommysub play, edging and chastity, CNC, and monsterfucking with a fae preference.

i am an good girl who loves being obedient and getting lots of praise. i'm an exhibitionist, submissive, and easily controlled by others who make me feel safe and appreciated. i am a wonderful toy for others to enjoy and make an excellent pet and plaything.

if you've got this far then like this post, and then send me an ask with your favourite kink or fantasy, a confession, a task, or a question!

Below the readmore: Tags and Links, Limits, and my ask task list!

Tags and links:

About Miscling contains every post that's about me.

You can find pics of me in Miscling Appears. (it's okay to go on a reblogging and liking spree through them) i make original posts under Miscling Rambles and posts about my lactation journey in Miscling Lactates i also make polls, which you can find in my Miscling Polls tag. you can hear my voice in the Miscling Speaks tag and over at my soundgasm page!

You can send me tasks with my ask tasks meme! I will take tasks from literally anyone ^^ you can see tasks I've done here! If you like or follow my blog, think about sending me a task as a little gift!

I learned to edge last year and was broken by a poll I ran to get permission to cum here then here and here. i hope to never cum again without being forced. i can't be forced to cum over the internet. i kept an edging diary for a while and the last time i came was 1feb24.

I love to write, and I especially like to write about kink. Read bits about my play with Miscling Plays and stories I wrote with Miscling Writes.

Use my ask box liberally, anon or not. i'll answer near anything and you can use my ask meme tag and miscling answers to find questions to ask me (scroll the tag and use any meme you like, but copy in the questions or link the meme!)

I have a lovense wishlist (long distance remote vibrators)

I have an amazon wishlist (lingerie and random kink things)

I have a ko-fi link! (please don't reference anything nsfw on kofi if you use this)

I'm trying to tag my kinks so i can find them when i want them, this is no guarantee that i'll tag things though. mommysub for posts about being a mommysub, goddess thoughts for religionplay where i'm a subby goddess, Bind Miscling for bondage, hit me for masochism, moo for hucow things, lee mood for tickling, oh my circuits for robot/drone things, maid day for maids, tidy up tuesday for my maid day, monsterling for monsterfucking posts, hypno gif, spiral, hypno txt, and hypnaudio, for hypno play, and hypnoslut for general hypno posts, preyling for primal play, latexcellent for rubberwear, and as i figure out others i'll add them...

Also, I have some limits:

i have a nest partner, i won't let anything come between us, i also play with a lot of people and i am not looking for anything remotely monogamous.

i do not like misogyny, transphobia, racism, or bigotry. This applies to kink too.

i don't like unearned possessive language, only people i trust can own me

please don't try to make me cum or ask/tell me to

don't call me a bitch or a puppy. i like puppy petplayers a lot, but i am a kitty petplayer.

i should be treated with care and respect, even

sissy blogs dni, i am a woman, do not reblog my pics to your sissy blog, i will block you if i spot you.

Finally:

i am a toy for others to enjoy!

(Most tasks recieved and completed in one day: 18) (Most tasks recieved on a special occasion: 48)

ASK TASKS: OPEN

use my ask box to send me tasks to do! i'd love to entertain and perform for you all! i am a good and obedient girl, and i enjoy getting tasks to do!

choose one or more task emoji and send them to me! include instructions if you send complicated tasks

tasks can come from anyone, even anons!

i'll do tasks as soon as i can! basic tasks i'll do on my own, but i'll need help for the slightly more complicated ones so they might be a little while!

Mutuals can DM me, and if i'm available we'll play ^^

BASIC TASK LIST!

🗜️ make me wear nipple clamps for 10 minutes! 📦 make me wear 10 pegs on my cunt for 10 minutes! 🤚 make me slap my cunt 10 times! ⚡ choose a part of me and make me use my TENS unit there for 10 mins. 🤐 make me gag myself for half an hour! (tell me what kind of gag to use and if I have it I'll use it, otherwise I'll pick) 👗 make me get undressed and be naked for the next 30 mins! ✏️ make me write what you tell me on my body where you tell me! 💖 make me draw a little heart on myself where you tell me! 🌻 make me write about anything that's on my mind at the moment! 🗣️ ask me anything, name a kink or give me a topic to write about (kinky or otherwise) and make me infodump about it. 🔊 send me a post or a write something for me to record saying, and i'll post the recording. 🫴 make me edge for 10 minutes (Send me instructions, porn, a post to edge to, or a mantra to repeat while I do it, you can use my mantra tag for ideas or my spiral tag.) 🕳️ make me plug my cunt for 30 minutes! 💋 make me go practice deepthroating for 10 minutes! 🍇 make me go get a snack and a drink! ❌ make me go take a break outside for 5 mins! 😴 make me go lay down in bed for 15 mins, no screens allowed.