#go try and figure out why you hold so much hatred to people you don't know for this thing that harms them more than it could ever harm you

[daz4i]

people are so evil about mental illnesses and to mentally ill people it's actually disgusting

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Therapeutic

New drabble drop. The awaited conversation between Dream and Ccino. @spotaus you ready for another gut punch for Dream my friend :D

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no edit or beta! :D

*-------------------*

Dream tugs on his vest as he glances at the cafe door.

He sees more people leave. As they have been for the last half hour.

It is fine! There is no reason to be nervous! He is just going to visit a place where someone works and lives who may have been kinda friends with Dream's brother!

The same brother that Dream has been actively working against because he was so convinced he knew better what was going on and instead of talking to his twin Dream decided it was smarter to trust other people's opinions who Dream had only known for a while and who were not close to his brother at all!

The same brother that seems to have disappeared and who Dream is no worried sick about while everyone around him celebrates his disappearance! Again because Dream messed up his job!

Dream leans against the wall and tries to calm his racing soul "it is fine. it is fine. it is fine. the worst that can happen is him telling you to get the fuck out and never return." which would include dream losing his one possible lead to find his brother.

Happy thoughts.

...

Dream shakes his skull. no. No forced happy thoughts. that is part of the reason he is struggling this much now.

Dream takes adeep breath and mutters to himself "let the fear be there. let it be with you. but don't let it consume you. don't let it keep you from doing what you wish to do." a bit of an exercise that Blue's Undyne had thought of for him. As she also struggles mentally with quite a few things.

Dream nods to himself and slowly nears the door to the cafe. a glance inside. just to make sure he isn't still busy. damnit the cafe is empty.

Well! Here goes nothing and everything!

He pushes the door open.

Ccino looks up and speaks with a practised smile "Welcome to the Cuddly Cat-" he stops and stares.

Dream tries to look calm but can't help himself as he slowly raises his hand and gives it a tiny wave.

Ccino's shock transforms into a glare as he hisses out "Well if it isn't the god that didn't even bother to read his own job description.".

Dream can't help but start laughing. It is almost a relieve! so many people had been trying to cheer him up and reassuring him that everyone messes up and that what he did wasn't that bad. It is so much better. He hadn't realised how badly he wanted at least one person to actually hold him accountable. To actually look him in the face and just straight up tell him he messed up.

Dream smiles brightly at Ccino as he answers "I know right? I made a mess of things… It is just…" he takes a deep breath. the hard part. Why he came here and hoped Ccino would have info. Because over the last few weeks a memory had suddenly stood out to him. cats who all looked and acted so much like others who Dream knew "I heard you have... very special cats and i was hoping to meet them?"

Ccino hesitates. Ccino keeps glaring at him but then his sight turns slightly and Dream can see him eye a piece of paper. Dream glances at it and sees his own pamphlet. He had left them in every universe he could think of to give everyone a quick update.

It is still a lot of work to continue clean up all the hatred he had unknowingly spread and promoted but it was a start.

Ccino sighs but he waves him over "make sure to turn the sign to closed please."

Dream blinks before smiling brightly as he does just that. he steps fully inside and turns the sign.

Ccino goes around quickly and closes the curtains and everything. Then he walks over to a table and just takes a seat.

Dream joins him at the table and smiles "thank you so much for doing this."

Ccino huffs as he leans on his fist "I figured you would keep bothering me otherwise."

It hurts to not be trusted nad Dream wonders if Nighty had to feel this daily. First in their own universe and than still in the multiverse. for over 500 years. actually being able to feel how everyone hated and distrusted him.

Dream rubs his hands "I... i would have respected a no... if you want i can still leave." he doesn't want to lose this chance... but he can't make stuff even worse. He just misses his brother so much. had missed him for so long already.

Ccino just waves it off and looks at him expecting.

Dream swallows and looks around the cafe for a moment before looking back at Ccino "I... i remembered that some of your cats were... special... in their looks and acting.. .and I was wondering... is it a coincidence or..."

Ccino snorts as he leans back "Yes. they are counterparts to other outcodes and important players in the multiverse. No i don't specifically look for them or get them or make them." he rolls his eye lights "They just show up at my front or back door and i let them stay. Sometimes some leave again."

Dream gives a slow nod and manages to gather his nerves "is... is... Is my brother's? Is my brother's cat okay? I... I can't remember seeing his cat and it is my brother! He is a god he has to be important and be here at least." he can't keep the desperate hope in anymore.

Ccino shrugs "being a god doesn't necessarily mean they show up here. it would be rather busy in here otherwise as there is a surprising large number of gods." he huffs and dream can hear Ccino mutter "with multiple universes completely focussed on making gods and having gods."

Dream alughs and nods "that is fair... it is just... i remember seeing a cat that was.. well... me.... I figured.. .there is no way that i would be there and not Nightmare."

Ccino snorts and grins "Every protagonist needs an antagonist after all."

Dream glares at the table before shooting him a glare "no not like that!"

Ccino tilts his skull and grins "relax. Antagonist doesn't automatically mean evil or anything. it means they are someone who goes against the protagonist and their goal." he shrugs "seeing as we both know nightmare had been right and you were wrong. he was still the antagonist in your story."

Dream shakes his skull "he wasn't!"

Ccino glares at him "it isn't like you left him any other role to play."

it hurts so much to know that and Dream glares "i know! Okay?! I know I messed up. I just want to find him and apologise. i need to tell him i am sorry and that he was right." that Dream lvoes him. that he is sorry. and that... that it is okay if nightmare hates him... that dream would deserve that but dream needs to make sure that nightmare knows he is sorry. that Dream regrets everything and is trying to make it right again.

Ccino stares at him before sighing and getting up. he walks towards the cattree and Dream feels his hopes fall. he is going to be send away... not even a single clue and-

very angry cat meowing as Dream watches his own counterpart cat be pushed into a side room and the door to close. Next ccino goes to the counter. He dips behind it and Dream hears a cabinet open.

After he hears panicked meowing as Ccino rises again. in his arms a large cat. maybe a main coone? but Dream feels himself start to hope as he can spot four large tails and one slow blinking cyan eye.

That is... oh fuck... that actually is!

Ccino wlaks over as three cats follow him on the ground. Dream looks at them and it is pretty obvious it are Killer, Cross and Horror. Dream wonders why they are following when he sees the cat and feels his soul grow cold.

Nightmare's.... his cat looks sick and tired.

Ccino sits in a chair closer to Dream as he gently pets the cat. Nightmare's cat purrs and leans into the touches.

Killer's cat jumps on the table and meows loudly before marching over to Ccino's side and nudging his arm. Ccino stops with petting and Killer's cat stands partly in Ccino's lap to nuzzle and clean ngihtmare's cat.

Dream looks at ccino "waht... why is he...?"

Ccino answers softly "sick? tired? older? I don't know. I have no idea what caused this..." he loks so sad as he pets the cat "I never saw anything like this before..."

Dream remembers his own weakening powers. the way he had been slowly but surely loosing his own powers and magic as he has lost his domain.

This confirms it... Nightmare's also lost his... but he was being kept alive by said magic and powers.

Dream raises a shaky hand "can i... cna i try to heal him?" anything. please let him try.

Ccino looks very unsure and loks at the cats before looking back at the door where Dream can hear his own cat version scream its head off.

Ccino sighs and nods "you can try. nothing the vet did seemed to help him much. he is just... much older now according to him."

Dream still tries. he first pets the cat gently. the goop feels strange but comforting. Dream never thought he would think of the goop like that. he had believed for so long that the goop had taken his brother from him. that it was something to be removed. But if the goop was just the apples magic trying to keep him whole? How could dream hate it? How could he hate something that saved his brother?

Now it is his turn.

He holds his hand near the rib cage of the cat and he can see NGihtmare's cat shoot him a suspicious look.

Ccino chuckles "i wouldn't touch a cat's belly if i were you. that is a very strict no-touching zone for most of them, no matter who you are."

dream shoots him a smile "that is okay. i wasn't going to touch him there." and even if he wouldn't mind too much. he focusses the little magic he still has and tries to heal the cat.

His magic doesn't touch anything that could be healed. according to his magic everything going on wiht the cat is natural and normal. there is nothing to heal.

Dream frowns as he pulls his hand back and looks sad at nightmare's cat. Dream can't even help him like this...

Ccino sighs but seems unsurprised "I figured as much... don't feel bad. the vet already tried healing magic himself. I just try to make sure he can relax and rest."

Dream frowns at the door "why keep... my cat version away from him?" doens't he hear how desperate his cat is calling for nightmare's?

Ccino looks to the side and shrugs "i mean... before when these two got near each other your cat would... well... attack... all the time. It was saver for both to keep them seperated. and now wiht him weaker... I just didn't want to risk it." ccino pets the old cat.

Dream's hand forms fists as he glares down. his sockets itch with tears but he forces them in. this isn't about you. this isn't about you. your brother is dying somewhere. this isn't the time to make this about you or your pain. you don't even have the right to feel the pain. you are part if not the whole reason this happened.

Ccino gets up and takes nightmare's cat with him again. Dream wants to stop him. beg him to just let him hold his brother's counterpart. if only for a little while. but he doesn't.

Dream remembers how his own aura and the goop could get when they met in battle. he doesnt want to risk making it worse.

ccino returns to their table. also the other three following him gone again.

Dream feels hopeful and stares at him "his... his gang cats stay with him?"

Ccino blinks but grins "yeah. all the time. there is always at least one wiht him."

Dream sighs and smiles "that is good... that... that should mean he has them with him now right? that he isn't alone?" at least?

Ccino shrugs "it means there is no animosity between them all. that they all care. that is all i am sure about."

drema nods and rubs his arm "why... why don't people remember this? I get why you don't tell but how come no one notices?"

ccino shrugs "i am not sure how. people just don't. if anyone is willing to hurt someone within the cat group? they just.. don't notice or remember. it is why i am even willing to have this conversation. you remembering implies you won't hurt him."

dream feels himself relax and nods "i won't" never again.

Ccino nods "i figured... but that is what i know. i don't have any othr information for you."

dream smiles "that is okay... he is alive... and most likely not alone. that is more than i knew before." he may not be able to find nightmare fast. but he has a place where he can go to check if nghtmare is still alive. and then while he waits for their meeting. Drema can work on himself.

He can work on teaching the multiverse the truth and find his own calling.

Dream can work on his own trauma nad heal.

All while he searches for his brother.

This? This just showed that it isn't too late. His brother is still somewhere and there is time to fix this mess.

It won't be easy. but he can fix this. and that gives him hope.

*-------------------*

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[aleki-lives-here]

I'm making my way through System Collapse audiobook, and it's much easier both the second time around and than reading. This whole thing still feels too real too much, which makes me kinda passionately hate the book but in a way that I know isn't really hatred. I'm just experiencing a lot of emotions, okay. Listening to them create art, tell a story to make people see things from a new perspective is doing something to me.

I was ten when I decided I wanted to tell stories. I was thirteen when I figured out what kind of stories I wanted to tell, and yes the stories I wrote back then were kinda shitty but I reread half of those recently, at fourteen I already had the same kind of vibe that still appear in everything I ever created afterwards: shit happens, and people do mistakes, and it all just sucks, and you keep living, keep trying, keep holding on to hope.

I was a fucking teen and I knew I wanted to tell stories that would take the darkest most tragic situation and say: there's still kindness there. There's still hope. There's still future. I don't like whump or angst or anything just because I like to torture characters (tho I do, like to torture characters), but because shit sucks. shit sucks, and we keep living, and we keep finding joy in it all, and I want, always wanted, to have someone tell me -- to be the one to tell this to people, that yes. It sucks. It hurts. It's awful, and I see you, and I see the hopelessness, and it isn't hopeless anyway. It's all encompassing now and it's gonna change. If just one person read what I wrote and felt a little better, a little more seen, a little more hopeful, a little kinder -- that was all I wanted to achieve with my writing.

And the thing is: I feel like such a fucking failure.

Like okay. Objectively, rationally speaking, I'm twenty... right, twenty two as of now, which is young, but also it's fucking twenty two and it's longer than I expected myself to be alive, and it feels like I haven't done nothing. It feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything. It feels like it's ridiculous of me to even hope that I could do anything, especially with writing. Achieve something with my stories? Make someone think about new things? Make someone feel better? It's a ridiculous idea to aim for. That's what other people do, somehow, not me. The best I can settle is entertaining myself by torturing characters, which isn't gonna help anyone but hey if it entertains someone for five minutes it has to be worth something. It fucking has to be, I so honestly don't know why the hell I'm still alive, but it has to be worth something otherwise it's too depressing to consider.

But anyway. Then, there's System Collapse. There's this whole series, honestly, with the fairly background exploration of what media and art can mean to people, but here it's loud and impossible to ignore in the front of the narrative, and it resonates with me in ways I can't be comfortable with. It somehow fucking hurts to think about. Too many emotions and thoughts and just ugh. I'm not gonna be normal about this book any time soon, am I.

[lina-lovebug]

You Are Mine, p. 3

Synposis: You and Quaritch are mated but your sister, Neytiri, cannot accept him

Warnings: cussing, Neytiri hating Quaritch

Usually in a situation like this, Miles Quaritch would be yelling and pissed off.

But him falling into a stream because he tried catching a fish with his bare hands and his mate laughing at him only brought him pure joy.

"Oh, you think this is funny?" Miles questioned, grabbing me by my hands and pulling me in.

I gasped as the cold water hit my skin and hit his chest playfully.

"You skxawng!"

Your laughter was heard from miles around. Neytiris' ears flicked downwards, and she growled under her breath.

"What's wrong?" Kiri questioned.

"She should not have mated with him," Neytiri expressed, "He is a bad man. He is the reason your grandfather is dead."

"Nothing could ever change what he did, mom. But I can see he's trying to make amends-"

"Nothing can-!"

"He loves her, mom!" Kiri stopped Neytiri.

"I can see it. There's a reason they met, and why Aunt (Y/N) fell in love with him. You trust your sister, and I know that my aunt would not be tricked like this," Kiri saw the love between them, and it wasn't fake. Miles Quaritch wasn't deceiving her.

But Neytiri wouldn't believe it.

He's a monster and always would be, in her eyes.

He killed their father.

"He regrets it. I can-"

"Kiri, you are young. You cannot fathom what he has done."

"It wasn't just him! I love dad, but he knew. He knew what was coming and you still love him."

"It was different-!"

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" Jake interrupted, hearing the commotion as he came home with Lo'ak and Neteyam.

"Dad, please, you have to give Miles a chance. You were once one of them, you thought like them, you even thought of us as savages," Now that hurt Jake.

"I swear to you on Eywa that he's changed. He loves (Y/N)."

"I can see it," Lo'ak spoke up.

"The way he watches her was weird, but it wasn't in a creepy way. He looks at her like you look at mom," Lo'ak told Jake, who knew the truth but it was Quaritch. He hated the natives more than anyone.

And yet he mated with one of them.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

Neytiri looked back to see him. He was wearing Na'vi clothing, he looked like Na'vi, but she knows hatred when it's infront of her.

"You will never be one of us," Neytiri sneered before walking away, Neteyam and Lo'ak following after their mother.

Miles ears fell back, knowing this wouldn't be easy.

"I don't give a damn what she tells me, but (Y/N) misses her sister. I can't stand seeing her like this," Despite how hard he's tried, he knew that all his mate wanted was for her sister to forgive her and accept him.

And the problem of the humans. They had to have figured out by now that Miles betrayed them and had to be looking.

Fighting his own spaud was going to be a bitch.

"I don't like you all that much right now either, but I know (Y/N), and she wouldn't choose if she didn't know that you've changed," Maybe she was right. Just like Jake, Miles had grown to see the beauty of Pandora and its people.

"Oh, and Miles?"

"Yes?"

Jake had punched him in the face, causing Spider and Tuk to gasp.

"That's for trying to kill me."

"Yeah, I should've seen that coming."

But before anything else, everyone heard a scream. Miles ears folded back, recognizing the voice as his (Y/N).

Him and Jake exchanged a look of worry before running in the direction of the scream.

What happened? Is she okay? Why did I leave her alone?

Thousands of thoughts were racing through his mind, regretting every second he wasn't by your side.

"Tell me who sent you!"

"Let go of me, bitch!"

Only to find (Y/N) holding Corporal Lyle by his queue and with a dagger to his throat. Blood dripped from his nose and mouth, showing that he got a good beat down in the few seconds it took them to get to her.

"Colonel! Tell this bitch to let go of me!" But then he noticed something. . .off. His Corporal wasn't in his gear but instead, he looked like one of them.

"So it's true. You did run off. For what?! Some quick native pussy?!"

Before Miles could beat the living shit out of him, an arrow shot through the brush and into his skull.

That arrow was so fast, and if Neytiri was feeling extra vengeful, she could've easily killed him. She glanced at Miles as she came out of the bush.

"You better be ready to lay down your life for her," Neytiri hissed, and (Y/N) looked towards her mate.

"Always."

[saiwriting]

Thoughts, Thoughts, Blog #13

It is difficult to live in a world where men are so obviously, harmfully bad and yet still have to persist in love. For fear of sounding like a pick-me, I do understand, but I could never make myself hate men. Especially if I date them? That is not to say I cape for them or I excuse any of their behavior or actions, but to say that hating them will bring about any change in the world is to say that hate does anything other than destroy yourself from the inside out.

We have seen on multiple occasions now the ways in which hate can be counterproductive to a society in which we want everyone to thrive in, so how is this any different? But, I will say, men make it extremely hard. I think what I'm getting at here is that, at the end of the day, i just simply don't have a hateful bone in my body. I can be an advocate for change and an advocate for women without vilifying a group of humans who have had the same amount of misguidedness for centuries.

We all are stumbling in the dark trying to figure this shit out. I just personally don't think that hate will be even close to the light that we need in order to have clear navigation. And, if I'm being honest, I couldn't tell you what the actual solution is other than...love. This is why I never antagonize women and people about their sentiments and hatred towards men. I get it completely. There is just a part of me that sees deeper than that, and that is that regardless of anything, we are all still human and humanity as we have created it is inherently misguided and destructive.

I am by no means the philosopher that will figure out the men's mental health crisis nor am I the activist that will finally set the women of the world free. But what I do know is that hate is not constructive. I feel the same way about hate as I do about complaining: what are you going to do about it? That is the questions I think we should all ask ourselves a lot more. Because harbored hate does absolutely nothing to the person you are hating and does everything to the person that is hating.

This sounds like a hippy-dippy "love everyone" type of rhetoric, but it holds true when given a much more thorough look under the microscope. Hate does not allow us to let go enough in order to make necessary movements towards change or to even make steps to healing and freeing ourselves from ensnarement by others. Hate in itself is a self-afflicted ensnarement that we don't even recognize. It's kind've like the Devil card in tarot or even The Hanged Man. Freeing yourself from self-imposed shackles will open your eyes to the fact that the chain around your neck is not even tightened and the rope around your ankle can let you go.

What do we want to let go? What do we need to let go? And how can we, as people, bridge this gap between them vs. us and the forced factions we impose onto ourselves. Much to think about before my nature walk that I have procrastinated for the day.

[phaticserpent]

Hello! I know you are very busy so if you don’t want to write this I don’t mind at all! :) But if you can could you please write a Ultron x reader where the reader takes the place of black widow in the scene right after Clint flys off with Visions body and the same thing kinda happens, like we wake up Ultron tells his sob story but something changes in the reader where before they felt only bad things towards Ultron but know they feel so much sympathy for him especially after he says “I don’t have anyone else” because the reader knows what that feels like. You can take it from there wherever your imagination takes you! Have an amazing day/night!❤️

Hi hi! Yeah finals have been really kicking me down, but thank you for this prompt! I've done something similar if you haven't read it

Prompt 1 , Prompt 2

With a start, you woke up, delirious; and you glanced around in confusion.

"....I wasn't sure you'd wake." A voice came. Confused, you turned to the source of the voice to see Ultron. "I hoped you would, I wanted to show you something.....I don't have anyone else."

You inched closer, your heartstrings pulled at the sadness and desperation. "W-wait.....Ultron, please." Your voice was husk and rasp, so you swallowed your spit. Ultron paused his activity, presumably walking away for a split second to pick something up. Cautiously and slowly, he headed towards you; a little wary and afraid, you inched backwards.

".....I'm not going to hurt you." Ultron assured. He had a cup in his hand and placed it a couple of inches from you. "I don't want to hold you from the bare necessities. I'm not that evil."

You reached out for the cup, eyeing him carefully before drinking the entire cup. Then setting the empty cup down, "Thank you."

".....There we go, you sound better with your voice." Ultron nodded solemnly and your face flushed. He grabbed the handle for the door and gently closed it, leaving you to stare at him as he walked away.

"......I suppose we're alike then." You sighed. "I never belonged with the Avengers....I think they pitied me more than anything."

"Ah," Ultron started. "I guess that makes the two of us. Except, they had higher expectations from me that were too much."

".....I don't know anything about what Stark does up there." You peered through the bars. "Do you mind if I ask why?"

"......I don't." Ultron sighed, pausing his activities to meet your gaze. Although his eyes were piercing, filled with hatred but also a look you know all too well. "He created me as a peacekeeping program....wanted me to bring peace to a violent world. I splurged through the internet to find everything he was responsible for."

"Oh....." You slumped against the metal bars. "I'm sorry, burdening another to fix it all....that's a selfish thing to do and ask for."

"You....understand." Ultron stared at you, his eyes searching in your confused eyes.

"....I mean....yeah. It would be the equivalent of a person raising a child just to burden them with selfish gains or just for care." You shrugged. "I think you have every reason to be upset and angry.....but I don't think the way you're doing it is.....pardon me, morally correct."

Ultron blinked at you before letting out a soft chuckle. "You have some galls to point that out, and rather directly as well."

"Thank you." You smiled. "I try, I guess. Or don't, I don't know."

".....I can never understand humans. Or....I understand them but the concept is just....." He waved his hand around, a signal you knew too well of searching for a word.

"Difficult? Complicated? Bizarre?"

"Heh, something like that."

"....I wouldn't recommend racking your brain trying to understand us or figuring humans out. We don't know either, so if we don't know, how would you? What I'm saying is, don't stress it." You smiled. "But if you want, I can help with the human side. I may not be the 'ideal' human citizen.....but I've dealt with people a lot more than the Avengers."

"How can I trust you?"

You leaned your head back, before cracking your neck. "You don't have to. I just want to help you, but if you feel like I'm not to be trusted, you can keep me locked up. I am being genuine." You smiled. "Don't keep be locked up for too long though, humans like to be outside."

Ultron barked out a laugh. "Of course. I wouldn't do that, it's rather inhumane. Plus, it is pointless to run so I see your point."

You cracked a grin. "So? What do you say?"

Ultron slowly walked over to where you were, staring down at you before unlocking the door. You smiled and held out your hand, gesturing for him to shake it. He took the hint and shook your hand.

Smiling up at him, "You probably already know, but nice to meet you. I'm (Y/N)."

[banjomelodies]

Spoilers (since I recently rewatched Scaras videos and saw comments about the Nameless Child) (+unintentional Ei rant)

I remember seeing a lot of people question Scaramouches whole thing about holding a grudge on a dying child, but, honestly, as an immortal being that was still learning for the most part at the time, I think it makes sense. He mentions in his character stories that he wasn't aware a human could deteriorate and pass on in a single night. To him, he believed he had so much more time. They had made promises, he cared for that child, showed him the home that once imprisoned him. And if you really think about it.. he didn't really witness death like this until now. He never saw Niwas body, and I don't know if he ever actually saw the bodies of the various workers in Tatarasuna when they finally passed away, as he also mentions that he didn't expect to be flooded with a negative emotion upon witnessing death (though granted, his relationship with the Nameless Child would obviously be drastically different than the random acquaintances of Tatarasuna, so there's just a chance that he really didn't get hit by heavy emotions).

All that he was aware of was that he was alone again. Ei abandoned him, and he only knew that Niwa supposedly ran away and left him alone, and then the child he treated as family left him too. Grief forms in so many different ways, and anger at things around you, or the person who is deceased, can be a common part of it. There's anger at being abandoned, anger about how life suddenly changed.. so many different factors go into it. And instead of being able to handle that anger in better ways, he found himself burning down a building, and attempting to off himself in the flames, and when he lived and tried to keep going with a newfound fear and hatred towards humans who only ever broke his expectations, or had the potential of only hurting him more, he landed in a group that took advantage of and fed that anger.

Scaramouche never had the chance to properly grieve or figure out how to handle emotions that were still new to him at the time. Him having a grudge on Niwa, Ei, and The Nameless Child makes sense, as it's all he knew. There was never anyone there who actually tried to properly help him. In his brain, he was abandoned again, and again, and again, and it eventually just spiraled into a hatred for other people.

I know a lot of people don't usually go for the "I'm going to try to analyze the characters emotions!" route when watching videos about things like this, since, obviously, why would you. But, there are legitimate reasons as to why Scaramouche would be mad at someone for dying, and it's a sucky situation all the way through. But the best thing is, he probably finally got over the anger he had on Niwa and The Nameless Child upon becoming The Wanderer (I don't care what anyone says he doesn't owe Ei any forgiveness - Her situation was straight-up just child abandonment. Which, yeah, sure, she was doing it because she didn't want to control him, and wanted him to live his own life without her interference, but you couldn't just like.. leave him a note explaining that? Check on him once in a while? Hell, even drop him off in civilization that'd love and care for him? You imprisoned him for who knows how long in a domain that probably just felt mind-numbing as everything was always the same until he was finally broken free from it. You say you didn't want to interfere with his life, but then threw him into a situation where his life would've sucked and been non-existent as he could only just stare at walls and trees. Unless she was just gunning on humans to break him out to give him an actual meaningful life, considering he didn't have his strength at the time. But this isn't a Raiden Ei being a shitty mom rant post, so uh!!)

Ignoring my Ei rant for a second. I hope this was. A decent read. Despite how short it is. I always loved analyzing Scaramouche as a character, so making posts about his backstory is very fun.

[nottakingresponsibility]

"...Let's try this journal out, shall we?" He grabbed a pen he used to write on his arm occasionally, flipping to a random page. He wasn't gonna be sappy with it, he'd just.. write. That's what this was for, after all. Surely nothing could go wrong if anyone found this in the future. Surely this couldn't be used against him.

"Day one of writing in this journal..." He fucked it up already. He scribbled out the word day and put "night" above it instead. "Day Night one of writing in this journal. I feel like something bad happened recently. I can't seem to shake the eerie silence the ship has been in lately. Well, asides from my conversation with Anya. Which, was surprisingly pleasant. I learned things today." "Granted, it might just be because several people probably want me dead. Hell knows I deserve it. I thought I got shot dead recently, I act like that never actually happened, that I don't think about it constantly, but it's hard not to. Loud noises in general freak me out, so being essentially shot, but also ...not shot? Wasn't a good experience." "Glad I'm still alive, though. I have plans otherwise, if I'm going out, it's gonna be by my own hands. Anya seems to view me as a friend, though. If I do anything to myself, I hope her mental state doesn't deteriorate. Though, that's wishful thinking. Why would she care about me anyway? I deserve it." "You think I'm gonna die before I can do it myself? I had to give up the title of captain recently, well, obviously. I don't even know what that guy expected me to do. I'm fucking useless in that scenario. I didn't really try too hard, I don't think a title is worth it if I can't even earn it in a proper way. He might be dead. That's pretty surreal, I mean. Someone I talked to, someone that gave me an offer, is probably fucking dead." "I can't bring myself to care, though. Guy was too vague for his own good anyway. I recently got reminded why I hate loud noises so much, especially yelling. And sirens. And everything else, actually. I hate a lot of things." "I've got a relationship...? To figure out, apparently. I didn't plan on that happening, I'm not sure if I'm against it or not but I can't back out now, the more people think of me fondly, the better. Maybe I'm pathetic, actually." "I'm not sure how to be loyal, or if that's even possible unfortunately. She fell into the wrong grasp, got attached to the wrong person. I don't know how to go through with this, but I can't do anything that'll ruin my reputation."

He thought for a moment, tapping the pen against his chin. Wasn't he meant to be writing more about his hallucinations rather than just how he felt? Either way, he had information to keep in mind, he was gonna write it down, that was for sure. "I'm just overthinking things. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. We're probably still on good terms, everyone I know. I've begun trying to heal my companionship with Anya, it's been going well it seems. Hope nothing fucks that up." "I've been speculating on Gabe as well, just what exactly he is, who, rather. People are trying to make me think he's some sort of twisted version of Curly. I don't like the implications of that, don't like thinking of what may have happened to him if that was the case." "But hey, at least on the bright side, I've got music now. Hopefully things will start to die down now that... the worst is presumably over. I'm not sure, we'll see what the future holds. I can only hope it won't be hatred." "If Anya ever does take up my offer for help someday, or ever just wants to talk, I'm willing to listen. That seems to be a thing I've been doing well, recently. Right back to my childhood. Except I'm in control now, maybe they were right. Maybe I would grow up better than them." "This has been James, signing off this fucking journal page." That sounded amusing, he liked the 'professionalism' of it. If anyone actually called him James though, he'd probably be extremely confused cause he's only ever called Jimmy, or Jim. Or.. whatever weird ass nickname variants there are of Jimmy. He could keep it in his journal, it would be safe, right? ...He very lightly scribbled over everything, it was still very readable, but at first glance it wouldn't be. He closed it up, placing it away.

[arenee1999]

I thought I had found something special in OFMD and its fandom.

There have been characters through the years that I've identified with in a fairly superficial way. Studious, likes to read, awkward, lonely, bullied -- and my list of favorite characters paints a rather revealing portrait. But then I found Our Flag Means Death and I found myself identifying with multiple characters in a deep, visceral way that I have never had before. And I found a fandom full of people that felt the same way.

Then the darker side of the fandom began making itself known. Close minded, racist, homophobic, puritanical twats. The canyon that despises Ed and Stede, the gentlebeardies that despise Izzy. All of the people treating Rhys, Taika and Con like dogshit and treating your fellow fans even worse.

And yet, through that many of us still managed to love the show, the characters, the cast and crew and each other.

Then, right when literally everyone was expecting a renewal announcement we were told it was cancelled. Many of us fell into depression. We rallied as best we could to fight for our show. But we were still left reeling.

That same day one of my only friends (and the only one I could talk to about anything)  stopped talking to me. But I pushed that to the side and spent all my energy on the fandom, on Xitter, posting and talking and making as much noise as possible with everyone else.

Then March came around we got that announcement. Despite our efforts and a large portion of the industry on our side, we weren't going to see anything come of our efforts. At least not for the foreseeable future. Long term has yet to be decided, but short term there's no hope. Many of us that had been holding our depression at bay with frantic activity, crashed, hard. Some of us were still able to find solace in the fandom. Our love of the show hasn't diminished after all. So we reinvest in what made us love the show from the start and we let it heal us once again as best it can.

I'm one of the ones that crashed. And I was left with no one to talk to. I held myself together for awhile but eventually began to spiral. Tried pushing away everything because if I don't feel anything it won't hurt as much. I had made rather startling progress on extricating my last couple hyperfixations. And I was rapidly becoming dangerously, severely depressed. Then a month and a half ago I find out why my friend suddenly stopped talking to me. Apparently I talked about OFMD too much and he just couldn't handle it. I was simultaneously too much and not enough. And as I was suddenly and violently smacked in the face with a wave of despair, I dug around to figure out what pulled me out of the last few bouts of heavy depression I suffered. Because fuck knows, I was in desperate need of something. Turns out the last two times it was Taika (both directly and indirectly with Thor Ragnarok and OFMD) and before that it was HP fanfiction (for 10 years HP fic kept me mostly stable and functioning). Which explains entirely why my depression kept getting worse by leaps and bounds as I was in the process of purging all of that from myself as much as possible. So I took a good hard look around and decided my mental health was more important than protecting someone else's feelings. I immediately quit trying to unravel my core psyche and personality and was just starting to reach something resembling functional.

And now the fandom has once again erupted into puritanical, homophobic bigotry and hatred. And I'm finding myself shutting down. The joy I was just starting to find again in this fandom is gone. I see nothing but ash and dust. Even the clips of Ed and Stede's first kiss, that usually bring an immediate swell of joy, leaves me feeling nothing but numb.

If you are that full of hatred for an aspect of the show, be it a character, a pairing, a plot point, a cast or crew member, keep it to your fucking selves. Create closed groups, communities, discords etc. with the rest of the hate filled "fans" and spew your garbage where those of us that are here for what we love can't fucking see it. We do not need to be splashed with the muck from your cesspit.

Better yet, listen to DJenks -

[quirkle2]

If you don’t mind tho, would you have any clue where I could ask about this talk of the LU fandom/Jojo going out of line? I’m oblivious to whatever happened and I’m curious

it's a bit of a complicated and long story, but some of it has to do with fans in general just being rly pissy about characterizations. i'm not pointing any fingers or listing any names bc it's not a One Person kinda problem, and some people don't even notice/see the issue and don't think it's an issue at all. in the grand scheme of things, this first issue isn't rly that big of a deal

(this might get long, and might bring up some anxieties for people, so this break is for anybody who wants to avoid mentions of fandom discourse, including past belittlement of furries, otherkin, and systems. stay safe)

reminder: this is just me clarifying info bc somebody asked! i am not trying to dredge up old mistakes

^ some of the things im talkin about are like . people babying wind. people turning wars into a comic-relief character that only knows how to creep girls out. people turning twilight into an emo cowboy that constantly cries about his girlfriend that's now in another realm or whatever. people simplifying wild into a crazy arsonist who doesn't seem to have a brain. people taking the "bitter" part of legend and exaggerating it So much that he's literally just an asshole to everybody all the time for NO reason other than that "he's the bitchy one"

personally this isn't nearly as annoying to me as some others find it. but i think the Bigger one, for me at least, is jojo herself

in this post, jojo makes fun of furries and otherkin, which i do not agree with. i don't have a problem w jojo not wanting twi to be "furry-like" but she drew the furry purposefully disgusting and stupid-looking to make fun of them. i don't know much about otherkin, but i know it's wrong to make fun of other people, especially when they aren't hurting anybody <3

and in this post, while explaining four's characterization in the comic, jojo put the word system in air quotes, as if to suggest there's something wrong with systems or that they don't exist or something. that stirred up quite a lot of suspicion and doubt in the fandom, and many systems obviously did not like that. i am not a system, so that's all i'll put here—a lot of systems posted their own takes on it when it happened

jojo has since edited both the tumblr post and the insta post to not have the word system in quotes. she explained herself and apologized here and here (this specific one is, i Believe, referring to past mistakes such as the ones above), but some people still are a bit iffy on that whole debacle (me included)

there might be more, but that's everything that i personally know of as to why the fandom has sorta gone bad. this next reason (sorta two reasons) is a personal thing and i don't rly hold it against jojo herself:

silly reason: i just like familial bonds and Close relationships in fiction, and lu does not cover that. they call each other "brother" from time to time but that's not enough dammit i want them to cuddle and i want time to be the father figure and i want them to live in a nice ranch house together happily ever after OKAY!!!! /silly

a more serious reason: linkshipping

i DO NOT agree with people belittling others for posting linkshipping, and this happens in lu All The Time and it's appalling. im not gonna get into the whole "but it's against her rules" thing bc i have some conflicted feelings abt that whole topic and this will get ridiculously long if i prattle abt that, but . people r getting bullied. people r getting singled out and Called Out and hated on and, in extreme cases, Driven Off The Platform bc they posted two silly little fictional men kissing. that's inexcusable to me

it's a bit more complicated than that, but i am of the simple opinion that u should Never police how other people have fun, and this is all fictional and we should redirect our collective hatred toward Real World Problems instead of wasting our time on arguing about whether or not these fictional elves should kiss <3

if i do make a new au and get away from this fandom, i hope to provide a safe space for Everybody, including linkshippers

[ilikeyoshi]

i think, also, in regards to that post and that story, i wanted to say that... throughout my life, i've been taught that suicidal people shouldn't have to live on for others—and that's true! you should never ever expect someone to endure terrible pain for you. it's important to understand that suicide doesn't exist in a vacuum, that almost always, those with suicidal ideation have it because there is something WRONG in their life, something that needs help and to be corrected. this is why suicide rates among minorities is so much higher: the amount of hatred and violence a member of any given minority experiences is something wrong, something we want to ESCAPE. and for a lot of us, the only "real" escape feels like death.

so being told we can't die, we can't escape because it would make OTHERS hurt—it doesn't achieve what you want it to. of course we don't want to hurt our loved ones, but what about the hurt we're already going through? living only because dying would hurt you does not remove all the pain, it just leaves it to fester alone and unheard within those of us who still want to die.

but all of that being said... i think refraining from ever SAYING what a loved one's death would do to you can do damage too. i think it's important to understand that your love and hurt doesn't automatically SAVE us, to not EXPECT us to suddenly find the will to live BECAUSE you'd miss us—but it's ALSO important to make sure we know you'd miss us. suicidal ideation and its causes are so isolating, it will convince us that no one loves us, that no one WOULD care if we died. it does, for a lot of us i think, ADD to the unbearable weight that leads to attempts.

so... don't feel like you can't say you'd miss us, or like you can't show us all the ways you worry about us, for fear of guilting us. it's the expectation that your worry will cure us, not the worry itself. on the contrary, i think a lot of us REALLY need to hear just how much people think about us, worry about us, miss us, love us. it can be a really powerful tool against suicidal ideation; it can give us the strength to say, even though something is wrong and we want out, there are things worth fighting to fix it for. NOT "pretend the problem isn't there," but "continue to fight for a future where the problem is what goes away, not us."

this is something i've struggled with a lot, not wanting to unintentionally utilize my love or grief as a weapon to hold at a loved one's neck, but instead to offer it in case it helps balance and ground that loved one. and this recent experience, i think, has helped me understand how to do that. none of the things my family did were to try and guilt my heart into not stopping, because that doesn't address the underlying issue at all. but they worried for me, and told me how they worried, because they love me. and it turns out i needed to see it, see how people worry about me when i am not well. it motivates me to live and fight this problem.

so!!! i dunno!!! if this is the kind of thing that's been hard to figure out, where that line between showing someone you care and weaponizing it is, i hope this helps you as much as it helps me! tell your friends you worried about them today! tell them you're there for them if there's anything you can do to make whatever they're going through a little easier! this can do SO MUCH when used genuinely and lovingly, and not as a bargaining chip for one's life! this has made me want to live and fight more than overwhelming secrecy about any worry whatsoever EVER has, and i think! that's an important thing to say and know! thank you for worrying! thank you for loving!

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP5. Replay Part 3

The theme about Natsuhi and the One Winged Angel in her heart thing is always really heartbreaking to me.... no matter how much she yells it over and over the fact is her clothes not having it will always prove certainly that Kinzo did not care for her.

Oh, it took like 5 seconds for everyone to go from "Yeah we will be happy forever" to "lets kill each other over this".

It's not really fear that she's trying to convey here, but more "thought".... which uh doesn't work Battler doesn't think like that but she is trying.

Virgiia, noting Battler is getting closer, uses that as an opportunity to get him closer to the truth.

Man uh, Virgilia is not holding off with the red, damn. She also specified Battler is not the killer. She's helping Battler so much rn.

This last line made me very happy... I am glad he understands this now. I am so glad he realizes what he has done wrong. It makes Virgilia happy too so she confirms in red that the reason wasn't pleasure. This scene is very sweet in general, Battle does some more affirmation that he is going to understand her.

Shkannon showing up together so much in this chapter is very interesting, feel like a way of challenging even the people who already figured out the solution! With how much emphasis this episode places on to not stop thinking, I think that makes sense.

This scene's kind of sweet I will admit, still the fact the time when he does give her comfort and niceties is when it can be used to override her judgement is.... offering to take the blame for her is good, though, and does show that he is aware to some extent he is the main one at fault for all of this.

It's not hard to side with Natsuhi in this scene considering she's clearly being tortured, but while this Sayo is maybe a little more hung up on this than the usual Sayo.... fuck I can't imagine how much that revelation must have hurt. Seeing a person who literally threw you off a cliff play the nice mother to someone else while you get yelled at and ordered around every day. Obviously, Natsuhi isn't exclusively to blame here. The pressure Kinzo, Eva, etc put in her and patriarchal society in general making her feel worthless for not being able to give birth contributes to all of this and it's not fair to scapegoat all sin into Natsuhi.

It's obviously not her fault., but it's easy to say that than it is for her to feel that where you are in that position, with no doubt Eva, Kinzo and probably even Krauss harping her about it. Natsuhi always pushes the blame from the men in her life into herself, it's quite sad to think of how many people are like this in real life too.....

It's not hard to see why Natsuhi feels unwilling to take this child. She had no choice whatsoever in this. Not only that but the same man who is forcing that on her is insulting her, calling her barren and defective. I don't think anyone would be happy with that situation. Add on Natsuhi's internalized misogyny making her think this is all her fault for her infertility....

The fact Beatrice, not Natsuhi, is the one pointing all of this is so heartbreaking, too.... it shows Natsuhi thinks her, herself, thinking this is bad. That it's proper for her to blame herself. Deep down she knows this is all unfair and not her fault but can't admit that.

I am quite queasy about body self-hatred and this causes that a lot of Umineko is hard to read due to this. It makes me very sad to see scenes like this and Sayo's scenes.

The way Beatrice's face changes when the subject goes to this hurts me; the way Natsuhi did not allow herself to blame the people that actually caused this (Kinzo mainly) because that would be improper... so she forces that hatred to acceptable targets, herself and the person she had power over.

The demon being Natsuhi herself; but the same way it isn't productive to demonize Sayo it is not productive to demonize Natsuhi.

Kinzo's mind is melting right now, more than it usually is I mean. The fact they died roughly the same way probably didn't help his brain. And his fucked up controlling brain is shown. Also: the description about no one knowing of the baby because Rosa and Krauss weren't around is interesting.... the lack of people let the catbox in Rokkenjima be created for the first time.

Forgetting a sin is creating another sin.

Throw yourself off a cliff is interesting wording here.... but anyways this scene introduced Erika as a person in the meta too.

B-bernkastel your girlfriend has been dropping a million different hints about Beatrice's backstory in this game.

The lack of Battler actually describing the scene until other people get there is is interesting, I mean he isn't the detective so he could have just pretended to see whatever lol. But the fact they just kind of zoom over that is interesting and should raise suspicions, anyway.

It is interesting how much Erika makes it obvious the boards in the game are fictional, from her being the designated detective to having detective powers, etc. From her introduction, she's certainly a person who is fictional and was never in Rokkenjima.

Uh oh, you got owned by the fact you don't want to look into their throats Erika, damn.

Even though the cousin murder is fake bc they were doing the epic prank on Natsuhi to force her to confess, I imagine they are in fact holding a gun to Krauss's head right now, I don't think Krauss would agree to it without some very strong coercion.

The fact Kyrie brings this up is interesting? They didn't even get Beato's letters this time to hint at this. So it's very weird for someone to jump at this immediately.... unless they were following some script, of course.

Bernkastel hits it immediately, though the fact they were killed later does make that something Lambda could wiggle out of, too. Her other theories are Krauss culprit theory and fake corpses which are very wrong. The issue with making so many theories is it's even hard to know what you were wrong about when they get refuted.

Gohda keeps fucking things up for Natsuhi, it's kind of funny. He's bribed with everyone else, of course, but I think he might just really be fucking up unintentionally lol. Kumasawa is acting pretty badly too, With Sayo in this fragment seemingly wanting to reveal Natsuhi's ruse in order to get back at her, they are struggling with dual loyalty here lol.

Hideyoshi like, if we do this dumb discussion right now Natsuhi's gonna figure out the farce, everyone! Before this Erika gets owned on mystery novel knowledge and Bernkastel starts separating herself from Erika. The way Erika and Bernkastel's relationship slowly deteriorates in this chapter is kind of sad. It's really obvious Erika is just kind of roleplaying being the main character for someone who will drop her for any failure, no matter how smal.

Natsuhi is not good at hiding her nervousness, also the fact Erika seems to earnestly believe Natsuhi culprit theory is kind of funny... you go be really wrong, girl!

The fact Battler is clearly going against the plan to some extent is kind of interesting, I think it would be kind of hard to get him to agree to torture Natsuhi so it's more complicated than that. With the fact he knows about Sayo to some extent here, you can probably give him a lot of possible motives - though I guess the easiest one is he wants to get Natsuhi to confess to lying but isn't interested in the whole act everyone else has of making her prostrate herself.

Dlanor is so cool... anyways Beatrice being on the defensive side with the blue is obviously an interesting role reversal. We know Natsuhi is lying and is the culprit of lying about Kinzo but the game is still asking us to sympathize with her and to see heartless efforts to destroy and expose her as bad. Training us for the next couple episodes, a bit.

[the-firebird69]

There are some things that I didn't make click completely and it's because of this Ravel and this the company and really there kind of annoying it out of themselves too it's stuff that they should try and remember and they can't because they are giving people such a hard time they're having trouble remembering the basics so I'm going to kind of try and format it so people can remember hey this is what's happening and this is going to be huge and you're going into this I don't want to hear all this whining and crying if you guys the ones doing it and you know about it so here we go:

1. There is a major major conflict with the Mac proper and foreigners and us a little it has not spread to the Macklemore lock as much as people say but in recent weeks is heated up to about 5% they say maybe 7% it will become apparent what the Mac proper are doing in the next few weeks and they will start to engage the empire and things will change for the better and what will be the catalyst for this to occur will be the stashes and caches and they're going to see the Mac proper at all of them not necessarily winning but that's what they're doing. And they did plan it. And they did help Trump do it and people will figure it out including him. And it is about 3 weeks.

--there's a battle occurring here and it is horrible the rebels are fighting themselves they are destroying their leadership and only a third of them were captured and we don't think that they keep a lot of them around. These things are happening and the battle is intensifying to a crescendo the Black ships above are holding up the entire process I'm trying to align versus the empire and the empire knows it and is Tommy F and he doesn't know what to do and he's going to be forced out of these areas and off the planet. This will create a vacuum the pseudo empire will try and fill they are already very weak they will be meeting up more and crushed and be very small and access the middleman for the Mac empire which will try and put up Shields just like Tommy I've had and the ships are smaller but some of them are quite large up to about 50 miles so be similar but much larger and they do have the ships now. And it will create a larger scale conflict with them.

--other items are leading to this mainly the pseudo empire war with the Mac morlock neither side is winning they defeat them and they ruin their bunkers destroy them contaminate them and they move on and they destroy their people the hatred level is very high but Mac proper other ones manipulating it and they can't see it very clearly several events coming album will care for clarify what they're doing but they have to be examined and people have to be aware

-one of them is the actual battle here on the outside it doesn't look like it's logical when you're on the inside it doesn't make too much sense they're fighting control area that they control it is over the presidency though and something I was missing because of this concept in this paragraph it makes sense but they're after the presidency and for good reasons they're not very potent but it is an important cog in the wheel or it's a piece of their power structure that they need. This is why this is going to heat up and it's why the stashes and caches which are large very large and medium are all going to be fought over it's over the election and the pseudo empire will fight them and if the pseudo empire fails the warlock clothes assume you presidency the warlock will and we do think that they get Trump in again and he goes through some changes Tommy F eventually begins to fight him that's another issue he becomes really weak and the max go at his ships that will cause a wider conflict with us foreigners are already strapped and we will have to grid our teeth in the rebels Tommy F and others either decide to fight the empire or they're gone and it's coming up very soon

-one more thing is indicating what will happen and it's very strange is the change in geography. It makes it harder to approach Florida less people believe they can get here they'll be less attacks it's psychological but it was explained to me at 800 ft it's deep sea and it's very hard to pop up without getting hit and it's hard to come up to because they can install solid fortresses under water that can fire on them Non-Stop these things I'm learning but it is good to know and he says it and this is what I'm saying is an intro to what's going to happen but really it starts off here in Charlotte county with the rings which led to the Everglades which is leading to a conflict which will push off the clone ships and the Morocco fights the pseudo empire in space and the clones and they all need armament and what is keeping it primed is the race for the presidency and it's going to become very vulgar and very violent and rude very soon so we're going to hunker down and I need my family and I need to talk to them about it I'm saying it's a hard time and he's still helping me it gets angry but not at me and one day you might explode and what you say is kind of rude what what I know is you're saying I don't think so because you're helping me and I don't want to push you to do things because I don't push me and they don't push me and I don't really blow up on them you're one of us so I get that and I feel better

Hera

Olympus she hears you yelling sometimes and doesn't hear it you just wait to her and she says so he's full of s*** it's kind of acting a little and he's trying to say I'm very mad and it works and she can hear you she says so she should feel better and he says good I'm looking for fish and chips and scoffs and shrimps and having you near me and eating a real big shrimp instead of my teeny teeny ones and she's laughing and smiling and thinks it's great cuz he's good times should be ours here too while you're trying to straighten this mess out and she says a big huge thing two bottles of non-alcoholic beer and a big mug and she's looking forward to it we are too and not complaining about all the stuff

I can't wait that sounds great and I can drink real beer this is going to be awesome now I hear what you're saying I can't wait and chips too french fries and some coleslaw with no mayo LOL he says you have to go back at night for the baked salmon or grilled salmon is better so I get that this is going to be great

Hera

We are motivated and this is going to be nice and we want you to have your cars and you can drive together people are coming up with all sorts of cars it's intense and what you said was and she's saying it too and she has to get with you about it so yeah we like the idea

Thor Freya

Here's our idea and it's us together didn't hear me thinking but he was thinking the whole time this kid was really cheap that they've made it's like this real cheap body and if you paint it nice it look good and we can make it the same with the plastic FRP and you painted nice and the paint won't come off if it gets steamed a little dined a little of the paint won't ship off so we want to do is make the body cheap and they the kid Dave had was like $2,500 so you have to find a certain donor car and our son and daughter-in-law are correct it probably is the sedans but my husband says the sedan is not a dog it's a valuable vehicle and if you trash it you try and fix the panels it's not a big deal to bond to it and he says you know you're right and so it goes to the small SUV which sucks and there's a powerful one you can use on the Bradley GT2 so he wants to find some people to make it less expensive one that still looks really cool it's kind of Spartan on the inside and uses really inexpensive parts and things like that it's going to go real fast and they're going to have to risk it going to have a cage but it's going to be inexpensive and the whole thing has to be cheap to put together and cheap to make and he says one way to do that because shipping is going to ruin it it's true it's like $500,000 there's a problem back then too but he says that you can we can break it up and it will look cheap and sound cheap and seem cheap is both together is what they'll say and you're both all the panels on and the panels would be like Saturn a little bit sturdier the car Saturn and we think the kit will end up being around $3,500 and you take the donor car which is the SUV you cut the top off you pull all the panels off you leave the dashboard the controls and the gear shifter and you pull the rear seats out and leave the front seats in and put a cover on him or the nice ones and you leave everything in the dashboard forward area in the carpet and then you would have the panels and the doors oh they go in after the frame which doesn't have to be elaborate and it has to be holding up your panels 2° because when you pull off the panels you're going to have a interior frame system she just pulling off the panels and putting new ones on and they're saying no you have to take the whole panel off okay so we got that clear you just wondered if you could do it and this is you would just put in your frame and you just take the motor stuff can you detach it temporarily it's clear that's a held on today engine compartment and that goes on the framing and you bolt it all up and there be some welding not much and they can weld the whole thing and you can say it's an option and you leave it so you can weld it and then you would simply reattach your motor items to the inside of the compartment and put all the panels on and you would put the interior in put the glass in put your doors on and basically would be done and you would be surprised with finishing trim can do my husband says it and it's true and a few more steps and everybody will have a blast this is a great idea and it can be made cheap and this is a perfect vehicle all wheel drive or front wheel drive so we're going to get going on it but he wants people to do this particular idea because this is his idea and my idea we had to hash through a few things cuz we've been out of circulation unlike when he was a child he knew all the stuffif it's snow or rain partially flooded or muddy we can still get through it and some people put air shocks and they'll have some clearance and it's designed to be all wheel drive and I mean it would be a wonderful car for today's environment because you can get out fast and you could also get through some rough stuff especially with the air shocks those aren't hard to put in it's not a tough thing to do and not a hard concept

We're moving out and we're going to try and find groups to do it with the plastic panel with a lightweight and some type of inexpensive roll cage and cage and they sell all that metal cheap now we'd rather use stuff in stock with the a few different types of these small SUV the smaller car would have the smaller engine or the bigger one and the bigger car has to have the bigger engine so it's only a few criteria and we're keeping the interior except the rear seats and it's really nice your stereo and everything will still work and you just pull out the speakers or you use new ones people put in new ones and we can include that in the kit it's not a bad idea to put a bigger and better speaker and it's like a supercar so we're going to go ahead with this

Hera

Might leave the speaker out and say it's left out and they can go to Walmart and get one that's really loud it's a good idea

This is a great idea and I'm going to put some effort into it these plastic panels are things that people can make because the plastic will emulsify with the fiberglass and there's a kit to do it now there is a formula

Thor Freya

We're moving out and this is a great idea and he's got to get moving it's possibly going to rain

Olympus

[moralalee]

22/08/2024

It's a Thursday. I don't know if I have some sort of summoning or manifestation capabilities, but AT has messaged me today (as per previous entries, the crush from when I was in secondary school). She had messaged me last month to wish me a happy birthday, which was nice of her since we haven't spoken in a long time. We used to talk on and off, but things just fizzled out.

Maybe it's just cause I reread my old entries, or maybe it's because she seems to be living this amazing life now, but I feel weirdly nervous about responding. She asked how I'm doing and it's like, yeah, I'm fine. But what am I even doing? She's posting pictures at award ceremonies and graduating. What have I achieved? "Well, I got a cat and I love him even though he's a nightmare." Weird. I guess 17-year-old BF and I had it cracked, some people you do just repeat with. Same shit, different year.

Went for a piss and was just thinking about what a disaster case I am. Loved Mae from Night in the Woods when I was younger, now I AM Mae. A university drop-out who just kicks about. I have a job at least, but one with no room for growth and that pays decently but still leaves me tight at the end of each month.

Right, got a bit doom and gloom there. I'm feeling crap but trying to get my head in the game. It's weird how my mood can just shift. I've been feeling pretty good today but in the past hour or so, it's like a dark cloud comes over.

I wrote the start of the entry while at work, I’m in bed now. Work was okay, uneventful again. It feels weird how quiet (touch wood) it’s been in the past week. BR has been off the whole time, so I expected us to be drowning. I do miss her and I hope she’s doing okay. I think she’s been pushed too far and we all have a breaking point. I understand the place she’s in. The quiet of work has been highlighting for me how unchallenged I feel. When work is tough, it isn’t because it’s stimulating, it’s just too much of a workload of inane shit. There’s nothing wrong with having a job that isn’t a passion, but it leaves me feeling unfulfilled. I don’t even know what I’m passionate about anymore. Weirdly, I think I had a stronger sense of self as a teenager. It felt easier to write, to be kind, to be real. I’m trying so hard to be authentic now but it’s a battle when I don’t like who I am anymore.

My self-hatred has grown and matured with me. When I was younger, I thought “I’m ugly, everyone secretly hates me, I’m broken and I don’t know why.” Now I feel like I’m a bitter, useless person. I have no drive, I just float about, existing. I know people say your twenties are the years to figure shit out, but I think they’re used to that just being getting hammered or a regrettable tattoo. People don’t seem to get me and my nothing life. I’m figuring things out while spending all my time sitting in the same 2 chairs. Desk chair at work, desk chair at home.

CW tells me I can find something I’m passionate about, tells me I should do something creative because it’s what I thrive in. BF tells me I can use the skills from my current job, pursue business or management, something with a support system in place. I just don’t see a way to either. It’s crazy to me that some people just quit their jobs and go do what they want with no plan. The closest I’ve been to that was quitting working at the cafe when I was 19, but I lived at home and couldn’t handle that place any longer.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to find my way. I’m just stuck in an endless loop of day to day. That’s why I started doing things like baking or going to the gym to try to improve myself in some small way. I want to explore some options for an actual career, not just a job. Maybe I can find some way to dig myself out of the hole.

I responded to AT. It sent me on a bit of a self-doubt spiral. I told BF about her message and she said she’s “clinging on” to me, which is a crazy notion. AT has zero reason to hold onto the past and I can’t even remember the majority of mine. I realised as I was driving home that AT is the only person I’ve ever felt that comfortable or close to. How sad is that? I found the person I clicked most with when I was 12 and I haven’t met anyone like that since. Maybe I have rose-tinted glasses and maybe I’m just a commitment-phobe now, but when I was a kid I genuinely believed she was my soulmate. In the years since I’ve just been telling myself I was a kid and ridiculous and didn’t know what love was, but I loved more truly then than I ever have since or could ever dream of now. I wish I could capture even an ounce of that feeling again. Whenever I’ve chased a relationship, what I’ve wanted most was that feeling of being in someone’s arms and being home.

I highly doubt AT and I will pick things up again and become best friends, but it could be nice to even speak a little, to know she’s doing well. It makes me happy when I open her Instagram story and see another picture where she seems to be thriving. I hadn’t thought properly about her in a long time. I wonder if she thinks about me.

Anyway, that was a pretty pathetic monologue but this has been what I’ve been thinking on. I can’t really say any of that to my friends. I know they wouldn’t get it or that they’d think it’s silly. It was just a hard realisation when I figured out that nothing else has come close since. I wonder if that’s part of why I’ve struggled romantically? A little unconscious part of myself always felt like it wasn’t enough and planted that seed of doubt.

I’m planning on this weekend’s bake to be brownies, DJ was asking for them. And BF is ready for us to get the flat in order this weekend. I’ll feel a lot better when things are clean and tidy. Maybe a little more sane and I can focus more on figuring shit out.

I’m also wondering if my sudden clarity of mind is anything to do with the pill. I always hit rock bottom right as I’m due my period and that’s where I was. Now I’m a few days in and today I’ve felt a lot more balanced. Maybe it’s a coincidence. I don’t know how this shit works.

Goodnight. Looking forward to us finally reaching the weekend tomorrow and BF and I are going to go to the cinema and shops tomorrow. That should be fun.

Edit: Fucks sake, forgot my gif!

[lockedtowers]

"I'm probably the worst thing that's ever happened to you." Dean finally said what had been on his mind for so long-- He felt guilty, very much so. Why had he done this, why had he let himself believe he could be with someone like this-- why had he convinced himself he could make her happy? That was simply not how things worked with him-- trouble and disaster followed him everywhere & it had always been like that. He had been oh so selfish to drag her into this mess that was his life.

Even now, as he was trying to let go of her, that selfish part of him was still there, lurking inside him, trying to stop him from saying his next words. "Being near me isn't doing you any good-- I'm a fucking hunter and so are most people I know and even if my father leaves us alone, someone else will show up and hurt you and I can't let that happen. I don't wanna see you get hurt over and over again because of me, I... "

"You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be with somebody like me-- you deserve better."

breath catches in her throat, frozen still as she listens; reactions slowed. it always seemed to happen to her; another excuse for why she couldn’t be with someone, but at least he had the courage to shift blame onto himself rather than outright blame her. she could almost laugh at his final words; did she? when has she ever been told she deserved better? quite the contrary, that which she knows to be true.

she holds her breath as eyes wet, her hand comes to cover her lips. she swallows air and her pain, near shaking as mouth thins, pressed together almost painfully as her hand falls. her eyes glance up at him, lips parting a bit as she struggles to breathe.

suddenly, her hand raises, thumb catching to her index and middle finger and sliding from the left to the right, locking the door to the motel room as if that would help matters. half-debates forcing him to sit, but she stills herself. a shaken breath huffed out of her lungs.

“i… i cannot tell a lie. did i… did i ever tell you that?” her voice cracks as she tries, largely failing, to hold it together. if it was going to happen again, she wasn’t going to let it go the same as before. she wasn’t going to hold it all in again. eyes squeezed shut as her head turns down. “some sort of curse on the fae bloodline i carry, i guess. i.. don’t understand how it all works, but i cannot lie, so know i’m being honest, because people always act as if i lie when i cannot. at best i can twist the truth with words, but lying i am incapable of..”

tongue pokes out to wet her lips, and she doesn’t look directly at him. she can imagine what his expression holds; disdain, hatred, or worse yet, it could be like the last time she saw reve. the detachment. the apathy. she couldn’t handle it again.

“people don’t often like me very much. they… might be attracted, or interested for a time. apparently i’ve enough faerie blood to release the toxin that makes people… lust. but never care. with some it can be attraction, others.. a raging obsession. and i.. i don’t know what part of me was born so broken that i could not pick up on others intentions… but trying to figure out how others feel.. if anything is real or just.. it’s exhausting.”

she almost smiles, but there’s an empty sadness flooding it. “i… fear i misguided you… if you believe anything that happened was the worst… but i don’t know if i can decide what the worst thing that happened to me was… maybe… learning my mother only had me because she wanted to kill me and take my body for herself, perhaps.. that she sold me as cattle because my power could only be unlocked through my pain.. power she desperately desired..”

she swallows again, tears starting to fall, which she quickly wipes with her sleeve. “maybe it was learning that my mother was the rightful queen, before the hearts slaughtered anyone in their way, usurped the crown and claimed my birthright… would have killed me then if they were aware… the fact i was sold to the very people who caused such horrors.. or the fact the prince knew who i was… and intended to force me to wed him so there would be no denying his right to a crown he never earned.. a crown he now has. that my refusal of his hand angered him so much he had me locked in a near unbreakable prison, and shocked me if i misbehaved until the beast broke loose… slaughtered most of his people and unbound me from the cells.”

she sniffles, shoulders shaking, and she takes a step back. “maybe it was learning that the original beast.. the most frightening creature in the land… all feared and knew its wrath.. was my father. and that his cruelties would somehow have the blame shifted to me. what i was or wanted didn’t matter compared to the the sins of the father. might have been his crimes but the punishment was mine to bear. and maybe they were right to. i never chose to serve her, but i knew what would happen if i didn’t. so is every life i took on her command not another burden for me to hold? the perfect weapon. that’s all i was ever good for..”

tongue clicks against the top of her mouth, head turning back up; but she still can’t look at him. she can still imagine it; the disinterest, feigned caring, because who could possibly care about her? about what she’s suffered through? as soon as she wasn’t worth it anymore, every single time. could never be more than another torn page, something to spice a moment, and dropped when she got too close. too clingy. showed too much affection. cared too much. everyone left her. she knew to expect it, but she wasn’t expecting him to pretend he thought higher of her than she was worth.

it was hard to ignore how much colder the room became, how pale her skin turned. every frozen breath she took turning away the warmth that held prior. maybe his father was right about her. and maybe she shouldn’t have let herself believe he actually might have loved her just because he saved her.

“you know, it’s funny, i actually would say… you’re the best thing… that ever happened to me.. so.. so don’t… don’t pretend to blame yourself.” she breathes through her lips, arms crossing as she squeezes herself to stop the shaking. “i don’t need you to lie to make it hurt less… i know what i am.. and i know i shouldn’t have tricked myself into thinking i was actually worth loving. just.. just be honest with me, dean..” she breathes in quickly, biting her tongue.

“if you’re bored of me and don’t want me around anymore… it.. it’s okay… i understand. it happens every time.. i… i won’t be your burden. just please me honest about it… i’ll go, i’ll leave, you’ll never have to deal with me again, just… don’t lie to me and try to act like it isn’t my fault.” her grip on her arm bruises her, and her head turns quickly as she steps back more. her bag was by the door. she didn’t need to pack anything. another cold night wouldn’t bother her. losing the one thing she wanted always hurt, but it wasn’t the first time. it likely wouldn’t be the last.

“i’m not telling you any of this to make you feel guilty or anything, by the way. i just don’t want you thinking you’re alone in any of this. i’m used to not being wanted after awhile..” she takes a few steps towards the door, pausing to grab her bag. her arm hovers over it for a second, then finally reaches down, shaking as she takes it. “i’m… sorry i wasted your time.” another shaken breath, bag pulled over her shoulder as she hovers by the door, trying to force herself to leave. “… you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me, though.”

[articulatedbyleilani]

The Parents.

During my self improvement journey, I remember I struggled with hatred towards my parents with every inch of blood and bone in my body. I struggled with trying to figure out why I hated them so much, when in reality, I loved them both so much.

After months and months and months of struggling with depression because of this feeling of resentment and not knowing why, I figured it all out. The lack of parental guidance, support and love.

The first two people, if you're lucky, that you meet when you're brought into this earth are your parents. These are the first people you trust, the first people you look up too, the first people to set an example of what life and love should look like.

Fortunately when I was born, I had both of my parents. Unfortunately, I only had enough time to trust one parent. I only had one parent to look up too. I didn't have either parents to show me what life and love should look like.

I already wrote a long blog about my "dad", but let's talk about my mom. My mom is the only parent out of the two that I was able to trust. The only parent that I could look up too. But she couldn't show me what life and loved looked like, because she was still trying to figure out how to life and how to love.

My mom was the person I got lucky to look up too. Watching her as I grew up taught me so many things but most importantly, they taught to do what I have to do to succeed. She taught me to grind and grinder harder on days I have no energy too. She taught me what sacrifice looked like. My mom was the mom that would go to work all day and taught us how to look after each other because she couldn't afford child care, nor had help. My mom would be on the edge, stressed, depressed but she got up everyday to go to work to make sure there was food in our stomach, clothes on our back and a roof on our head. My mom my bestfriend, for as long as I could remember. I was also my mom's first child, and I was the eldest child. There's never any fun in that because with being the first child, I went through more. I was my mom's first kid meaning everything she learned about being a parent was with me. Once I started hitting my teenage years, the more sassy I became, the more sarcastic I became, the more I would talk back, but what mom my failed to realize is that I was just transitioning from a kid to a hormonal female teenager.

We would bump heads a lot, fight a lot, but what hurt the most was her constantly telling me "You can leave".

I get to my dads, and even though I'm not his first child, I'm his second, I was the first child he experienced again, as a a kid transitioning into a hormonal female teenager because he never had a relationship with my older sister. The cherry on top of it all, was my dad couldn't even survive any longer than a month with me because I got to the point where I told myself I'm no longer the experiment child. I'm not longer being treated like I was a problem when I was just a kid that they both failed to raise together. I was a kid that they both lack giving life knowledge too. They both thought that they just gave birth to me and I was supposed to be a perfect human being who would project life expectations of theirs to the T.

Eventually, my dad said "You can leave" in his own lingo being,

“You’re never going to make it”

“You’re being sent back to California so your mom can deal with you”

“Get out of my house”

I forgave them both a long time ago. I hold peace with my dad one sided from afar, and I love my mom to death. But because of these two people, I have abandonment issues. They were supposed to be my forever safe space, and now they aren't. I don't talk to my dad and made countless efforts to forgive him, fought so many times to the point where I nearly was begging my dad to be my dad, but he always finds a way to make me feel bad about myself and it always results in him just telling me "do you lani, we don't need anything from you". My mom and me are good, I tell my mom almost everything, but then again, I don't feel as safe as I use to when it comes to telling her about any heartaches or pain I go through. My mom can be overly judgmental some times, and I don't agree with that. Instead of her listening to comfort me, she listens to talk shit. Towards me, and whoever I vent to her about. That's not nurturing.