#glad i have a psych appointment monday really

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

feeling weird mixed feelings atm and I can't really logic them away, ig? on the one hand I'm completely apathetic about it. on the other hand there's a part of me that's absolutely horrified that I could do something like that. the fact that it's still a consistent low-level pain the whole time also doesn't help. anyway those kinds of thoughts are then making me want to harm again to cope with them but also a) it's manageable and b) I currently have a deep horror of self-inflicted pain after the last few days apparently.

[islandpcosjourney]

Our IVF future

11th May 2023

It has taken a whole month to get around to finishing this blog post!

Our first Assisted Conception Unit appointment at Ninewells Hospital, Dundee took place on the 11th April. We arrived home, a couple of days after our screening appointment (talk with doctor, blood tests, weight/BMI). We were mentally exhausted.

We’d had a few months to mentally prepare for this trip, although nothing could’ve prepared me properly, really. We signed all the online consent forms, watched all the videos, spoke to people who had been before and still we arrived, and I was stressed out. Well, more numb with anxiety than stress but there was that overwhelming feeling of “what on earth are we doing?!”. It didn’t feel right, I felt I shouldn’t be there, it definitely felt unfair we’d had to go down this route, this was not how it was meant to be, this was not how I’d envisaged our child being brought into the world. In that moment, I wanted to be anywhere else except sitting where I was – in the corridor of a “shopping centre”, the entrance area to the main part of the hospital, which felt massive and overwhelming in itself, nothing like our own Western Isles Hospital, a “cottage�� hospital in comparison.

I’d been heavily distracted for the past week with the Edinburgh International Harp Festival. I’m on their organising committee so I had plenty to do each day which was great for taking my mind off the impending “unknown”. I was down in advance on my own, but Kevin flew down to Edinburgh the day before our appointment to join me. I was fine up until that point. Buzzing with energy, all smiles, my happy self. Monday morning I was giddy with excitement and then BAM! - plane delayed and all energy zapped. It really was like someone pulled the plug. I was all psyched up to be reunited with him again, had just got into the car and started the engine when his message came through and then all plans changed, and I had hours to wait around for more news. It doesn’t sound like a big deal; a plane being delayed but honestly it felt like an eternity waiting to see him. We are cuddle monsters. Kevin firmly believes that cuddles fix everything. I am more realistic that they soothe but do not “cure”. At this point, all I wanted was a cuddle. My anxiety kicked in big time.

So, this was the start of the numbness for me. I noticed a few people asking if I was ok. Clearly I had that glazed look on my face which gave them more of an insight into my inner world than I’d been giving away all weekend. Most people close to me know what’s going on. Most people around the festival knew as I was having to excuse myself the next day to attend our appointment and I’m not exactly shy about bearing all when it comes to our journey. The more open I am, the better, as this really isn’t anything to be ashamed of. I am very happy to talk to anyone about what we’re going through – whether it’s bad or good, traumatic, or ecstatic. People should know what a rollercoaster ride it is because until you ride it, you almost think it’s the most exciting news to hear that we’re starting IVF. More on this at a later date.

By the time Kevin eventually arrived, I was no longer the excited wife I had been hours previous. I was an anxious mess, and I was picking fights about trivial things – typical for me. I know Kevin was annoyed but he did his best to calm me down, accepting fault where there was none, just to keep me quiet. He shouldn’t have to do this, I shouldn’t be feeling like this, but I’m glad he’s learnt a little over the years on how to help me in these situations. He doesn’t always get it right but credit where credit’s due, he’s a good egg really.

That evening something happened at the festival which sent me over the edge. I am still processing that event, so I won’t talk about it now, but both my Mum and Kevin knew exactly what I needed – to get out of that building, go home to watch a film, decompress, cuddle, and focus on tomorrow. In actual fact we ended up going to Lidl and buying favourite foods to comfort us the following day 😂 I had been on a strict juicing regime for a number of weeks and was determined to weigh-in well under the BMI of 30 limit, so I for one was very much looking forward to my first few bites of chewable food after our appointment! I don’t believe in juice being a “diet” I follow but when needs must and I was still trying to lose Christmas weight, yes I was having to restrict myself. By the time we got home and got Kevin settled in, all we were good for was falling asleep in each other’s arms. Nothing is more comforting than Kevin’s shoulder ☺️ I keep saying it was made specifically for me. Sounds soppy but as Kevin was born exactly 10 weeks (to the day) before me, I believe God moulded me to fit him perfectly.

Tuesday morning, the day of our appointment, and I hadn’t slept well. I unfortunately had the previous night’s shenanigans going round and round in my head, which needed a good decompression session with Mum, so that’s what we did early morning. Kevin was able to switch off from it all and just wanted us to focus on Dundee, so we did. However, my anxiety was now at a much higher level, and I was snapping, at everyone. Mum knew to avoid any conflict. Kevin hasn’t really learnt not to wind me up but that also might’ve been his way of coping too. It’s not easy for the menfolk who don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Us women, we talk until the wee hours, about anything and everything but Men find other ways to express themselves, or not. I admit I hadn’t been able to log back into our online accounts (everything is done online with this facility), to find the very specific instructions on how to access the ACU once we arrived at Ninewells – I hadn’t written it down when we’d watched the video a few months previous, but it couldn’t be that difficult, right?! Plus, we were leaving 2hrs before our appointment time and it only takes 1hr15mins to drive through to Dundee – surely that was enough time?!

Arriving at Ninewells was a nightmare! So many different roads, buildings, car parks (9+ car parks?!) which one to choose?! Admittedly we did get a bit shouty at each other but tried our best to navigate the stressful situation to just choose a place to park and take it from there. Fortunately, we ended up at the closest one to the main entrance (we’ll try that one again next time!) and then had plenty time to be able to find the ward (although we didn’t know how far away it was so my panic-stricken head was still going at a million miles an hour worrying we’d be late even though we had 15mins to find it). We actually arrived too early, the ward was closed for lunch and had a very clear sign on the door saying it wasn’t open until 1330, the time of our appointment. There were also many signs in the corridor also telling us not to loiter, so we had no choice but to wander back to the entrance hall area and kill time, thus making my anxiety much worse. Kevin stopped us several times, hugged me, and kissed me on the forehead. I really appreciated this as I know how much he hates PDA and will not do it, so for him to comfort me like that is huge. He didn’t say much, he didn’t need to, he knew I was hurting and knew I just simply needed him by my side. I knew by how quiet he was that he wasn’t ok either, in his own way, but he was trying to be strong for me. 

Once we went back and the door was open, we had to register at reception – hand over our photo ID and get pictures taken for their records (it was quite funny when Kevin couldn’t find where to look at the camera that was taking our picture 😂). Once that was done, we didn’t even get to sit down, we were told to follow the doctor down the corridor – who was this? I was struggling with wearing a mask again, feeling claustrophobic and hot – but just had deal with it, to just keep going. We didn’t catch the doctor’s name and I struggled to follow exactly what he was saying – a bit mumbled under the mask and couldn’t place his accent. We were expecting, having been told by my Gynaecologist that we’d be offered IUI first, to be given options or for everything to be explained to us but NO - straight into questions about our past, medical procedures, conditions. It was very clinical. I don’t even remember if he asked us how we were? I suppose I was expecting some kind of compassionate pleasantries to try to make us at ease, introduce us to the unit/procedures etc. I felt like we’d been shoved into the room in the middle of the conversation and had missed the first part. Looking back, I know now that we’re just on a conveyor belt, these doctors do this day in/day out and we’re just another couple being added to the daily ritual, but I still feel that there should be an element of care, an element of “let me look after you and show you the way”. If we hadn’t had watched ‘Alex Jones’ Making Babies’ documentary beforehand, let me tell you, we’d have been LOST BEYOND BELIEF!

He rushed through the IVF process (bypassing the point where clearly it had been decided beforehand that we weren’t to be offered IUI, presumably based on the test results carried out back home?). He showed us diagrams and pictures and fleeted back and forth between talking “at us” and pointing at stuff. He explained they’d be using the ICSI process for us, which is directly injecting the egg with 1 specially chosen sperm. “Any questions?”, he asked. I was numb but I knew there were a few things I wasn’t sure about:

We lived hundreds of miles away – how would that work with appointments? When might we be required to stay down for a few days etc? He pointed at a timeline, and I understood coming back on Day 21 for an injection to stop my ovaries working 😳 and to learn how to inject myself, go away for 2 weeks then a scan, go away for a week then return for a trigger injection before egg collection, he said maybe we’d want to hang around for a few days at that point, but he couldn’t be specific. I appreciate every situation is different, but I needed to sort out, in my head, whether I can work in-between times or not. Clearly I wasn’t going to find out the exact nature of our treatment that day!

I also pointed out that Kevin works away – no problem he said, “You’re down for a June start. You can postpone, not prepone or we can freeze his sperm so that we have it available to us when we require it” – oh good, let’s get the good stuff out of him before he goes away to sea, then his part is done, easy 🥴 At no point do I want to go through any of this process without Kevin by my side. Clearly, this clinical process, will have me doing exactly that and HAVING to deal with it.

Back to the appointment in hand. Nobody at any point explained what the process would be that day. We’d been told to allow a few hours for the appointment but nothing more detailed than that. I didn’t know if Kevin would be asked to surrender his swimmers today or what. He at least told us that he’d be ordering blood tests for Kevin, which no documentation had told us would be happening, in fact we’d been told the opposite when I enquired as to why he hadn’t been mentioned on any paperwork - that Kevin would not be requiring any tests 🤷🏻‍♀️. He made it sound like he was interested in exploring Kevin’s history of testicular surgery, to which we got very excited about – this is what we’d been wanting for years! But 4wks later, it turns out that wasn’t the case, they were just your standard screening tests for infections & chromosomal abnormalities etc. I might still ask if it’s being explored or at least get an answer as to why not.

He left the room for something, and Kevin grabbed my hand – familiarity, comfort, support – I felt fear but at least he was beside me & he knew what I needed in that moment – reassurance in the touch of his warmth. When he came back he said we’d be next seen by the nurse. We didn’t have time to process the info we’d just been given before we were up again and moving rooms, following someone else – who was this person now?

Sorry this is taking so long…….. & well done if you’ve got this far!!

In the room with the Nurse, I could tell this guy was more of a people-person than the consultant but I was still being very quiet and appearing traumatised – he could tell this, a very receptive nurse. Question after question being asked of us. I knew my answers were short and quiet, I knew this wasn’t me and I have since learnt this is the way my “trauma brain” works – protection in the form of shut-down. By the time he got to the question about “any anxiety or depression?” I was able to respond in a more Màiri fashion, “oh yes, lots of anxiety!”. After this, not only did I start feeling better, but the nurse began to realise that I was relaxing and as soon as the first joke came out of my mouth (when Kevin was getting his bloods taken), he said “see, there you go, you’re relaxed now” and the acknowledgement was all I needed to let go and be myself again. After that, there was no stopping me. I liked this nurse; I could say anything I wanted in front of him. My attitude to the whole day completely changed in the blink of an eye. If nurses like him were going to be looking after me throughout this process, I knew I’d be fine. The nurses are the caring ones, the swans who are furiously paddling underneath while holding it altogether on the surface so elegantly. As far as I can tell, the consultants swoon in, do their magic trick and fly out again, leaving behind a possible trail of destruction or devastation where the nurses have to pick up the pieces. They’re the ones who make the NHS, who keep it going and who will keep me safe during this process and I was suddenly at ease with it all, knowing that this guy had my back. 

In terms of our tests, we were told in our letter that I’d get 3 tests performed - AMH (egg reserves), smoke test & weight. They only took one vial of my blood whereas poor Kevin had to give 4, my weight was in check, a BMI of 29.07 (yay), no carbon monoxide test was performed (well I’m not a smoker anyway, so we couldn’t understand why this was going to be performed on me, especially as it’s Kevin who’s the ex-smoker anyway!🤷🏻‍♀️) and as a precaution, he did an ECG on me, as I’d had a catheter ablation on my heart back in 2014 and they wanted to know that all was still well, which it was.

There was still LOADS to process but 1hr and 15mins after registering at reception, we were on our way out again – traumatised by it all, but having been through it together, holding each other, supporting each other, we left with the overwhelming feeling of “what just happened?” to then go and console one another in the car park and decide where to have my first proper meal in weeks 😂

First thing’s first – our Lidl buy the previous night – Chocolate tear & share brioche! My favourite! Kevin took a cheeky photo of me eating the brioche in the car, beaming with glee, not only at the sweet taste but from the giant sigh of relief. We’d finally got here, we’d achieved that. We weren’t sure what was happening next but at least we’d stepped on the first rung of the ladder. Next step was chicken in my opinion – dirty chicken. KFC!! I know it’s naughty, I know there’s plenty other nicer places but at 2.30pm in the afternoon and wanting to get back to Edinburgh for the evening concert, we weren’t going to be very picky. Kevin directed me as I a) had no clue where we were and b) had no clue where we were going. Left, right, carry on, straight ahead, 2nd exit etc. Miles later, I was convinced we were going in the wrong direction i.e.. further away from Edinburgh but then I turned a corner – Nando’s! 🤩 “Shall we go there instead?” I said. “Yes darling, did you really think I’d take you to KFC?” 🥰 He loves me 🥰 He really knows me 🥰 AND IT WAS SOOOOOOO TASTY!

[gasolineweirdo]

bad feelings which have just been a dull background ache since Sunday are finally coming out as a primary emotion. this is probably good for coping so I can deal with it instead of just wallowing for an extended period of time

in other news: I started vyvanse today after I stopped taking adderall a few weeks back because it made me feel like shit. hopefully this'll be better. I'm glad my current psychiatrist listens to me on this stuff, my old psychs would've just idk given me antipsychotics or something. during our appointment he said I was very firm and well-researched on meds and that that was a good thing, and that I'm the only patient he's ever had who reads the inserts. he's definitely my fav psych I've ever had, even if he does stuff I think is stupid fairly often. I got off all my pills other than hrt and adhd meds (which I think I unfortunately need to be able to work) with him. gives me a little bit of hope for future psychiatry being ethical

cottonball let me touch her today. I've been going into the room with her cage and sticking my knuckles up through the bars and letting her smell me. usually she sniffs a little then backs up like I'm a terrifying monster, but today she kept sniffing and even bonked her nose on me. I poked a finger through and she kept sniffing, then chomped. I'm not sure what the chomp meant. it wasn't a fuck off chomp or a love bite. maybe that's just a kitten thing. I got to poke the side of her little face and she didn't get mad. the hair just stayed flat. it looked like the picture of the bald guy poking his head and it leaving a dent

no progress on her sister charmin. charmin isn't as curious, she mostly just hunkers back a ways away from the bars. she did start coming closer to smell me, but then cottonball stepped on her and she got spooked

I sent a really good email today too. capitalized stuff and everything. I'm very proud of it

my first issue of American Currents, NANFA's quarterly publication, came Monday. I was to miserable to do anything more than flip through for a few minutes, but I'm excited to read it once I'm feeling better.

I'm gonna order some new tippet to snell my tanago hooks with. I've finally given up on finding my old stuff. I have some 4lb test but that's probably big enough to freak out a lot of micros. I tried using it anyways but it didn't work well given the fact that the hook shafts are as thick as the line. I wonder if I can still fish in the creeks during fall/winter. they shouldn't be frozen over but I'm not sure how much anything will be eating

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[compo67]

why can’t you just write

the narrative in my head is incredibly negative and cruel, and in the end, nothing gets done because i get so overwhelmed and beaten down. ugh.

sigh. i try to rephrase or reframe toxic thoughts but it just never lasts for long. it’s like trying to unlearn how to ride a bike.

i’m working on an update to coffee shop and i just... 

why is it so difficult for me to get anything done???

and lately all i wanna do is sleep or stay in bed and that’s very much not like me.

gah okay anyway. hi. hello. it’s been a minute. 

clearly, i’m struggling with Emotions

i also have just... had a difficult week in terms of adulting. i spent hours on the phone with my insurance company, disability vendor, and doctors/scheduling 

my transplant hospital called on Monday and said they never received a pre-auth for my MRI, you know, the MRI i need to follow up for to see if the tumors in my body are growing or turning cancerous

by the end of the day, the hospital said there was nothing else they could do, my insurance company was dragging their feet, and yeah, i could get the MRI but i’d be taking a risk getting stuck with the bill

but i changed my whole freaking schedule around just to make that appointment and for what??? 

i work as a phone rep and i never hang up on other phone reps, but i make an exception for my insurance company

it’s not like i just wanted a MRI for the hell of it

so it took until wednesday to hear back from the transplant team and reschedule the MRI, the transplant team meeting, and the psych eval i’m supposed to have as another step on the road to transplant

and i have to call two different places for the MRI and the other two appointments

then the transplant case manager from my insurance calls me on Friday and says here is a magical code that will give you pre-auth for anything related to transplant

and i just broke down in tears because FINALLY someone was HELPFUL

plus getting all this shit done in regards to FMLA and ADA accommodations--i have to talk to two separate departments that don’t seem to share paperwork or information, that seemed to have buried the paperwork that was sent from our previous vendor

i feel like i should be compensated for all of that work

on tuesday, i had a major rib inflammation attack that had me bed ridden for the entire day and it sucked. i missed trivia and slept

i worked 32 hours this week because i need the money for car repairs but i really wish i would have just taken it easy this week because so much happened -_- 

i know it was only an extra 7 hours, but i’m emotionally dead inside and super burned out

i guess it’s tough to be creative when you feel dead inside.... 

i also wish chicon was on a different weekend. any other weekend in april but this one. 

i keep having an issue with my ribs on my right side slipping/subluxing and it’s incredibly painful

i got a hand brace from OT and at first i thought it’d be easy to wear

wow was i wrong

i’m getting silver splints for my hands, because the joints in my fingers keep popping in and out -_- 

this EDS thing, i tell ya.... 

my dad took my car into our trusted mechanic today and i got the brakes replaced on Sam, which i’m glad because it was just in time, but it also cost a chunk of money

i did art for a zine and patreons helped with the rest, so i am incredibly grateful, but also super anxious like what would i have done without that support??? 

next up are the rear shocks, then the converter thing, then tires

i’m hoping to get another commission for more artwork for another zine, and i’ve picked up another transcribing gig, plus some extra hours at work

maybe i’m stretching myself a bit too thin

deep breath

i worked from 10 AM to 4 PM today, then from 7 PM to 10 PM. it was the only way i could get a chunk of time off at the last minute (thank you, creation) to get jared’s rescheduled solo photo op

chicon is My Thing, my gift to myself every year for surviving cancer. it’s a tradition. i didn’t go in 2016 and i really regretted it, so i commit to this

i was priced out of a j2 photo op, so i got jared’s as a compromise

the venue for chicon this year is SO MUCH BETTER

but i still had to do a heck of a lot of advocating and basically kept telling people, hi, hello, i cannot stand that long

every venue i go to i have to worry about accessibility and it’s so draining

who wants to bet that creation screws me over with seating tomorrow

i drove out to the convention center but had to walk because i can’t assemble my scooter on my own

i remember when chicon was this tiny thing in the Westin

jared was sweet and charming and in great spirit for his solo photo ops

i gave him a fiesta pin from SA with a tiny note stuck inside it

i just wrote down two music recommendations and compliments

shook his hand, thanked him, and left

i just wish i had enjoyed it more. it’s tough to enjoy things lately

i feel like Louis and somewhere Lestat is scowling, “whining, always whining”

yes, i know, i’m just... asijfasfnasa

i’m also doing more at work, which keeps me busy, but also adds to my workload. i’m co-leading a peer group, which is exciting because i miss being in a manager type role

so like, professionally? things are going well. it’s just the rest of my life that’s crumbling. and i’m trying to glue it back together and i know the glue will work but it’s so stressful

writing this felt so good though.

because all of the stuff from the beginning has been taken care of and i don’t ever have to repeat those days again

tomorrow, i’m going to the j2 panel at chicon and spending the day with my beta deb and her husband 

i get to try out a new chair instead of a scooter and i’m excited

i don’t have anything planned for monday and i am SO HAPPY about that

i miss texas so much

i’m halfway through season 2 of schitt’s creek and i love it

i have no idea how you made it through reading all of this but hi hello you are wonderful if you’re still reading this massive post at this point

it’s time for tylenol pm and sleep

thank you so much for being here

let’s have a good sunday. fingers crossed. 

[loadingluke]

Hysto update

Hey all, long time no chat. Warning now, this is going to be a long one.

Firstly, I apologise for not being great at updating- I think that just over time I’ve stopped using tumblr to the same level as I do other social media, When I was 14-17 I was on here all the time, but now not so much. I will still use this as a means to document my medical transition, but I often forget about it so apologies if I don’t keep everyone as updated as I used to. Once phallo happens, I’ll be documenting in writing everything that happens, and I’ll definitely share that on here as well as my private facebook group (If you are 18+ and have facebook, feel free to add this account and shoot me a message to be added: https://www.facebook.com/luke.yeet.961). I’m much more active there compared to tumblr because tumblr mobile sucks lol. I’ll also be making more videos after surgery, as you’ll see below I was really screwed around and. being the middle of semester I was struggling to keep my uni work under control, whilst arranging this all and so I did not have time to film or edit any videos. 

Anyway, now that that housekeeping is out the way, let’s have a chat about what’s happened recently. For those of you who did not know, my hysto was confirmed for September 4th, and was going to be done for free in a public hospital on Medicare (Australian public health insurance). I had my pre-op appointment on the 16/8/2018, and when I got there I found out it had been canceled without me knowing or being told. The receptionist was lovely and found out what happened and told me someone was going to see me and that they wouldn’t be long. 2 and a half hours later, I was finally seen and was told that my surgery may need to be delayed due to ‘issues with ethics approval’. 

I don’t really know what these issues were, or if my case has been submitted at all or if I was just forgotten or something. I don’t know why it was ‘potentially delayed’, but I have seen 3 specialists, and I’ve seen the surgeons now 4 times. I really didn’t know what more I could have provided, or if there is anything more I could even do, but I was more annoyed that I was not being told what I need to do to make it better.

I was really upset and stressed about it all- I get that it’s a public hospital and that I’m lucky the service is available. I’m happy to wait hours, I’m happy to work around the date I’m given with no issues. It’s just really frustrating when I’ve been seeing surgeons there at the hospital since 2016, and actively arranging this since November last year SPECIFICALLY so that it wouldn’t end up being rushed like this. The only other option I was given on the public system besides my current September date was in October, 2 weeks before my final exams. I couldn’t do any later as I’m having phalloplasty in February and I won’t be recovered enough in time for that if I have my hysto any later.

I was really frustrated by the lack of communication and how I had no answers. I needed to get time off work, and special consideration from uni and I knew I had to work really hard to arrange it around what is already a really difficult time for me study wise because I knew that I was not able to be picky with dates and times. I was so relieved once I got my date confirmed by the hospital, and I had it all arranged. A week on from my pre-op appointment, I still had no idea if I was having surgery or not as I had no one contact me since my appointment.

At that point, I called the hospital and was given a little more of an explanation. Apparently, my surgery was canceled due to ethics having an issue with my age (I am 22 for context). They had a meeting that day regarding the situation an I can expect a call later. I was told that September is about 95% chance canceled, they MAY be able to swing something if I'm really lucky but it's not looking good. Apparently, this is a hospital-wide issue and I'm not the only case dealing with something like this. I was really upset. I specifically got the ball rolling months in advance to make sure all the ethics was fine, and then in April was told it was all good, so I still have no idea why this happened. 

I then contacted my team at my gender clinic. They tried to work with the surgeons to help me, as well as steps to issue a formal complaint. Afterwards I felt a lot more positive, and I'm so grateful that they are all so supportive and helpful. It meant a lot that they are taking time out of their busy days to assist me. 

Next, I got a call from the surgeon and she didn’t have any luck, and that they won't grant approval by my September surgery date. She arranged for my surgery to be done privately- I just need to check with Bupa when they are open tomorrow that they are happy to approve it (I'm currently in my 12 month waiting period). 

I really hope that I've made it clear that I'm not frustrated at the team at the hospital (bar the communication), more the system. Whoever these ethics people are or what their issues are, they can't just go back on their decision at the 11th hour...THAT'S not ethical. I hope that what follows this is a shift in attitude because trust me, I'm making sure this isn't just swept under the rug. I will say though, I've been jumping through hoops for years to prove that I know what I am doing, and fighting tooth and nail for body autonomy and I have been doing so as long as I've been transitioning (over 6 years now). Honestly, today is my first time actually having my health care practitioners advocating on my behalf and it feels amazing having so much support. The surgeon has done everything she can, and I am so very grateful for her and the work she does for the trans community, as well as everyone at my gender clinic for being so helpful and willing to work with me to fix this awful situation.

After 3 calls to Bupa I was finally sure I’m covered for my surgery. Two people had no idea what was going on, and one person was excellent. He was furious that they weren’t just accepting that my case was ‘psychiatric’ and not a ‘pre exisiting condition’ (2 month vs 12 month waiting period, I’m currently at 8 months). He he said he’d be able to sort it out but the turn around might mean it won’t be sorted by my surgery date. Stressful times. He called back later and let me know that at the moment updating from my current standard hospital care to top level care would remove my waiting times as they’ve had to change the plans around to meet the industry standard. This was not really relevant for me, but it was a neat loophole that meant I didn’t have to worry about running around and getting emergency psych evaluations (again!) because I’m just covered either way. 

My surgeon, Dr. Kent Kuswanto, squeezed me in for a Wednesday morning pre-op appointment last week.  It was a pretty quick chat as he had already obtained all my info from the public hospital, and I'd already had 4 other appointments with gynos/specialists so I was already familiar with the procedure and what was going to be happening. He just went through basic medical stuff, like asking about smoking, medical history etc. It was pretty straightforward. Since I'm covered with Bupa, I'll be having surgery privately on Monday. I've been booked in for 11:30, fasting from 7am the day of surgery, and I'm having a total laparoscopic hysterectomy (with a robot, how exciting!).

Kent is not charging me an out of pocket cost (as I was already on the public system list and my situation was unique, but I don't know if that is the norm), but I will be charged about 200-300 by the anaesthetist, plus potentially some pathology (which will either not amount to much, or will be covered by Bupa anyway). I'll need to pay the hospital my 250 premium for Bupa on admission to the hospital, but besides that, I should be covered for everything else. 

Since stage one phallo is only 5 months away, I'm glad I'm getting this done now. If I knew at the time that this is what would have happened, I definitely would have gone privately in the first place to avoid being messed around, and I would have done it sooner, but c'est la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Kent and his secretary are lovely, an I felt super well looked after. I'll make another post sometime tonight about how I'm preparing etc, but fingers crossed that's all for now until then!

[canaryatlaw]

Okayy, well today was pretty good. I'm not sure if I'm still riding my high from yesterday or it's a combination of upping one of my meds from my psych appointment Monday and being back in the office actually with people. When we were doing limited staff in the office days it very much felt like a chore and was very draining because I was interacting with way fewer people, and I'm such a huge extrovert that would just lead to me feeling very depressed and making it very difficult to get out of bed in the morning on office days, which has always been the most classic depression symptom for me, dating back to high school and me missing way too much school (40 absences and 40 lates for both my junior and senior years, lucked out that I had a 4.0 gpa and could still do just fine missing that much). but the last two days of being in the office with more people have been way better and I've been in a better mood overall, so that's definitely an improvement I'm very happy about. but yeah, woke up at 7 and trucked off to work. I'm not sure if it was because I was going a little earlier than I had been lately, but the train was definitely the most crowded it's been since pre-pandemic (and I'm assuming it will continue to get more crowded, so I will likely continue to say this many more times). Before the pandemic it was BAD bad, like as many people as physically possible shoved into the train car with absolutely no personal space (literally on top of each other) which was obviously already extremely unpleasant, so with the added stress of potential covid transmission, I'm seriously hoping we never get back to that level, but I guess we'll see. It was a relatively calm day at the courthouse, we had some confusion at first because we had two interns who were supposed to be in on the schedule but neither of them actually showed up (for separate reasons), so we just had two volunteers that are here from a law school in another state on their spring break doing a week long project. so we ended up pairing them together on a case despite them only observing one before, but they both did surprisingly well. I've viewed a lot of first attempts at filling things out, and these were definitely on the higher quality end. So that was the only case we were able to do in person, but we had some remotes going as well. I had the law students accompany the client up to court and they ended up in front of one of my favorite judges, who they said was super nice to them and the client and when the client was done was like "oh are you guys students? we love having you here!" which was just super great to hear because I know some judges have given off very bad impressions before, which is very frustrating. She was one of the judges when I first started working here back in 2019, but she was then transferred to a criminal courtroom doing bond court for a while (same building, but we had very limited very limited interaction with her) then they transferred her back earlier this year, so I've been very glad to have her back. Overall our judges are really good right now, so I'm happy about that. I did have a case up in court that was kinda crazy last week but it turns out the lawyer I was dealing with last week who did some pretty dumb shit is not the main attorney on the case, and based on the limited interaction we had in court, this guy seems much more reasonable, so I'm taking that as a good sign and hoping this case doesn't end up being (yet another) shit show. I had my monthly check in with my boss while we were having a bit of a lull in clinic that went well, I'm definitely feeling good overall about my cases at the moment, which is a great feeling. I also really like just chatting with my boss now and swapping court stories haha so that's a great improvement from initially being very hesitant to talk to her outside of like, asking her for help on something, but she's really great so I'm very glad to have her. Stuck around till 5 and then headed out, for some reason the bus was hitting a ton of traffic, so it took me a while longer than normal and I

had made plans with roommate to go to party city to grab some stuff for her classroom and then go to olive garden because I was craving pasta, and party city closed at 7, so she ended up meeting me in her car a little closer on the bus route and we went from there. party city and olive garden were both good, we were joking with our waiter at olive garden a lot and he seemed to find our dumb shit genuinely hilarious, so I gave him a nice tip for putting up with us lol. Went home from there, chilled with roommate for a little before she headed to bed, then just did my thing until I showered and got ready for bed, and now I'm here. Working from home tomorrow but still got court in the morning and feeling quite sleepy, so I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Love you all.

[queertisticmummy]

Fertility Treatment: Day 3

Thankfully, when I rang the clinic on Monday, they were able to schedule me in that morning!

So I went in for the scan. Although I had already had one of these before, I wasn’t entirely sure it would be another internal scan. So I worried a lot about whether or not I could wear my moon cup, and decided to err on the side of caution and switch it out for a reusable pad. 

I. Hate. Pads.

I don’t know if it’s an autistic sensory thing or what, but I could just feel this gross wetness the whole time. I could hardly concentrate on anything else!

But I’m glad I did that, because no one even mentioned any of this to me at the appointment, and it did end up being an internal scan so I was adequately prepared with nothing blocking access.

The nurse told me that my uterus looked beautiful, and that the lining was exactly what she would expect at this point in my cycle. She looked at my ovaries as well, and said they were nice and active, with no cysts, and that the follicles looked the right size for this time in the month too. I was ecstatic again! I had been worrying for months that something might have changed, but here it was again all textbook and perfect!

The nurse said that she was going to lower the dose of my medication slightly, because my body was doing well on its own. They always want to avoid Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, which can be quite dangerous, and also to reduce the chance of a multiple pregnancy. Twins is deemed ok, but any more than that can be dangerous for all involved. 

She showed me again how to do the injections, and I was able to record the audio on my phone to listen to again in the evening with my wife. She said we could do the medications at any time, but around the same time each day is best. We settled for around 9pm to make sure we’re always home and relaxed when we have to do it. The nurse also booked me in for my next scan for a few days later, on Friday morning.

9pm came round that evening, and we looked through all the instructions again and went to do the injections. There are two I have to take daily, one called Suprecur, and one called Ovaleap, which comes in a pen. My understanding is that together they shut down the normal hormonal pathway to control the growth of the follicles and eggs, and to stop them being released until the right time for insemination.

Even though my wife gives me injections twice a week for my B12 deficiency, I was so scared of having these ones done. They are done differently (a small needle in the tummy, rather than the intramuscular ones in my leg/hip for B12), and normally I can look away while she’s doing it. It took a while to psych myself up, including some tears and a phone call to my mum, but eventually we did it! My wife put on some cute animal superhero plasters that she had bought onto my injection sites afterwards.

I had a bit of a pain in my tummy, at the injection site, but was ok otherwise. After about 30-40 minutes I got very overwhelmed and went into bed to cry. I became very tired quite quickly, but otherwise didn’t have any particular symptoms like bloating or headache. I did feel also feel like I was running a bit slowly, and like I couldn’t really get the right words out all the time.

Songs: 

Cherry in Tacoma, Benjamin Francis Leftwich (on repeat)

Teenage Dream x Put Your Records On, Darcy Stokes (guitar instrumental)

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2178

today was unproductive. i was up with my alarms so i made it to my appointment on time, and we finished about ten minutes early so he was like, "k bye" so we just. were done. cool.

i then went to help my mom in the garden, despite wearing all black and the temperature rising to be in the low 90s today, even by noon. awful. ground up fish and shits and a bunch of water apparently makes good fertilizer? no thanks. (fish and shits is fun to write bc it sounds like "fish and chips" so i couldn't not.)

basically, again, i just watched tv for the day. i feel like my brain is melting. i did, though, put some puzzle pieces together on the puzzle that's now up in the living room bc my mom needed something quiet to do. we both like puzzles bc they're easy enough and basically only require sorting, and i like them because of the spatial awareness that you need to use to be good at predicting where pieces go exactly, even when there aren't other pieces around them yet. i'm v good at that part.

after showering and talking to my mom about my grandma and how terrible she's being, i went to get the air conditioner in my looked at. it took maybe two hours or so for them to be all done, but it looks like a switch malfunctioned, so chris is gonna see if he can get it from the dealership so he can fix it for me. i have enough money to cover it, so that's good, and i'm glad i'll finally be getting my AC fixed.

after leaving the shop, i went in search of food. i had been tasked with finding dinner for me and my mom, and knowing she wanted a sub from a place i Really Don't Like, i went to mcnaldos and ordered my normal order of bamhurgers, fries, and a sprite, with a hot fudge sundae in there too because i wanted one. but apparently they didn't hear the first part of my order, so i ended up getting bad fries, a sprite that i probably drank way too quickly, and a sundae that i know i ate way too quickly. and i determined also that i needed to stop spending money like i had it to spare, so i went to the bank and pulled more money out of my account to prevent myself from buying things online. i'm hoping it works, because i spent like $250 last night and i'm not happy with myself about that. i have the cash on hand, but i need to deposit it on purpose to get it, so i'm kinda blocking myself from being irresponsible. so that was good.

anyway, mom's dinner was perfect. i'm so good at ordering other people's food. me? not so much.

i sat with my parents and attempted to do homework but got caught up in watching "raising dion," which is SO cool and it CAUGHT ME UP so i didn't do any homework, so that sucks for me because i gotta do it all tomorrow now. smh.

i also went in search of the comet, which i was too late to find. i did, however, find the perfect spot for finding it, because the sky is unobstructed and it's right behind an ice cream stand. so i'm gonna go comet hunting with my sister tomorrow.

anyway, i stopped for more food on my way home, because i haven't eaten anything remotely good for me in like three days, so i had a Vegetable on my burgers and i was happy with that. i also had my lemonade which was just really perfect because not having air conditioning just really honestly truly sucks.

now i'm just chillin in bed because it's past 2 in the morning and i'm just thinking about my day and realizing that i really don't do anything, and how that kinda really sucks. but what can you do? the rona is awful, and even then, when you got shit to do, you gotta do the shit you gotta do. even if it sucks.

also? i'm glad tomorrow is tuesday. i could definitely use the joel hugs. when it gets to mondays, i just really miss joel. he gets busy and does stuff during the afternoon/evening, and when i go to bed he's still up, and when i wake up he goes to bed. so i don't hear from him much. i'm not thrilled about waking him up when i'm over there, especially since he rarely gets to sleep at a decent hour, even when i'm there, and i know how bad his sleep is anyway, so that sucks. i'm just happy that i'll get to cuddle with him and watch psych again. (*i wanna hold your hand starts playing in the background*)

[redlemonz]

Day #3

Fuck everything. I can’t deal with this, what’s even happening. Ugh, all I have is this continuous warm, stabbing-like pain inside me which won’t just go away, following what felt like a bitter end to last night. Being human absolutely sucks to begin with, but even more so when you’re just a sensitive and emotionally vulnerable asshole with a chemical imbalance in his head which tells him everything is way worse, and you should deserve to feel way worse.

Day 3 - upside down & inside out

The above basically sums up the morning so far today. I woke up and punished myself, and will probably continue to, (trust me, it’s not really a choice I can make) for my actions last night. I’m an on-going detriment to myself as it is, so the real question is, why am I being one to her - even more than I already was. Just leave her alone & stop finding literally any excuse to contact her, even if it’s with good intentions - It’s not about you and it doesn’t matter anymore. Give her what she wants for a change - not you. She put up with your bullshit undeservingly for long enough.

Work. It’s a Thursday.. inching closer to the weekend - ugh, screw the weekend. Finding it difficult enough today to keep myself in tact at my desk as it is, let alone in my own lonely presence at home. I even shifted my scheduled yet unscheduled shower crying session to a different location - my car during the drive to work. Gotta change things up after all. Prior to leaving though, for some unknown reason today I decided to reattach my detachable hood to the coat-jacket-thing I’ve been wearing to work for the last couple years. Of all days, I feel like I needed it today. Not because it’s raining or anything - it’s actually a beautiful day (in which I picture myself walking BBT with her at One tree hill after work, hand in hand - great). Aside from being a wondrous fashionable alteration, I believe it’s probably more the fact that the hood gives me a false sense of security, as it shields me ever so slightly from the cruel world. I can keep to myself, only looking ahead and not having to expose myself to more, unnecessary features of society in what’s around me. Fashionable change aside, a change in myself is what I need fullstop to try get use to life without her. I can’t be the same guy I once was, as it’s all too familiar to my daily life with her. I have to be someone else.. I have to be something else (homage to the fictional guy who’s identity I’m saved on her phone under as). Which brings me to the daily cup of coffee I drank at work with the other two. No sugar or milo mixed in today (self made mocha recipe). I wanted to hate myself like the rest of the world and taste the absolute bitterness of life literally, and it definitely didn’t disappoint in that regard. I don’t deserve the sweetness. During this coffee time, I was also now starting to fail in my facade of chipper-ness. In fact I couldn’t help but openly admit to the other two, that unlike yesterday where I was trying my best to be upbeat and fine about things, that I’m not. I’m broken. I know it’s what thy wanted to hear as they saw right through me the last couple days anyway - and it’s time to start facing my own truth.. even if it’s slowly and steadily. Thankfully I was able to contain the tears. Im getting by through making small talk with other colleagues who don’t know about these circumstances, and being genuinely happy for them where I can. Glad to hear that your back injury is improving and that you’re attending all your medical appointments. Glad to hear your pregnancy is going swell as ever now, after everything you’ve been through. Glad to hear you’ve finally promoted to another team - you deserve it. Glad to hear that you think the new Doctor on the show being a female isn’t actually a problem - you’re fantastic. And so on. I just want to be able to be glad for her. Which once again it dawns upon me the constant emphasis and repetitive reminder that I need to exit her life.. to make things easy for her. Considering easy is what she wants. Pretty sure it’s quite distinguishable by now with everything written thus far that I don’t fit that/her criteria. I’ve never really been good enough when it comes down to it. I feel exhausted. It’s been a long as hell day at work & my anxiety has picked up, though still controlled as it’s still a small dose (which I am extremely thankful for). Somewhat ironically she’s actually helped me gain enough strength during our relationship to battle it - for now anyway. Let’s see, another memory to blabber on about just sparked (obviously it did - because this whole damn thing is about her and almost anything, as insignificant as it may seem, can form a link or be symbolic if your mind & heart are assholes to you) as a result of a colleague asking one of the ‘the three’ to borrow his umbrella as she broke the other one of ‘the three’’s umbrella and still owes him a replacement. Back when I was still stuck in the friendzone yet still head over boots for her, I had this cool umbrella with a samurai sword handle. She accidentally broke it through tripping down a small, not-very-steep hill on one of our many mountain walks together. I was just glad that she was alright. Then she stabbed me with said broken part of umbrella. Yup. Another accident (I hope), which caused my left thumb to continuously bleed. Never in my life I was so psyched to have brought an umbrella, and especially have the events follow in the way they did (with the exception of her falling). She so cutely wrapped up my thumb and first aided me with her scouting skills, with a bunch of leaves and whatever else she could find. My heroine. To top it all off, my thumb received a couple kisses from her, and eventually so did my cheek when we parted ways that beautiful day. From that day I still have a voice recording of her at the summit of the mountain as she was singing/shouting out the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s “since you’ve been gone”, of which the lyrics are now more than appropriate (yes I know, most songs are about relationships and love, if not bitches and money - which in a way are also their own relationships?). Her hair tied, black and white polka dot top & light blue jeans with a purple cardigan wrapped around them - looking as beautiful as always.. but nevertheless, back to the point at hand - She still owes me an umbrella. Though not really - the kisses I received that day and her company make up for it pretty well, and can generally make up for anything she breaks.. even a heart.

Back home (yes I’m currently living a very exciting life as you can tell). Just watched a bit of an episode of Friends - Ross still in denial though clearly crazy about Rachel, whom is unaware and worried about their history together being weird if she were to consider moving in as his flatmate (which he desperately desires). The ultimately classic television adaption of the most special kind of love between two human beings - a balance of being best friends, lovers, partners and perceptively & potentially, even soulmates. Looking back again at my recent wonderful weekend (+sick day monday) in which my failed attempts to win her back for longer than that precious time we had cherished together, I sunk low, although true to my own geeky belief, by utilising that very TV reference of us being Ross & Rachel. Definitely didn’t click straight away as to why she bursted out laughing about my overly geeky and lame reference comparison, until she made me realise I admitted to being Ross. Fuck. Long ago my group of friends had this ongoing debate with me that I was the Ross of our group, which I took as an insult at the time comparative to the other characters, cause well, it’s Ross. I overly defended my case for ages, and to this day am still firmly of the idea that I’m a combinative representation of all the main characters. Let’s break it down. Like come on - the under-appreciated punny comedy of, yet easy to pick on, Chandler (obviously my favourite as mentioned first). The obsessive Monica who can’t handle dirty dishes & has to make scheduled plans. The mainstream, basic bitch, Rachel (oh shit, please note this definition does not at all apply to 'her’ being Rachel as per my geeky romantic acclaims above. She is waaay more). The randomness and open weirdness offered by Phoebe. The comic idiot, Joey (although I don’t even have to act the part). And fine yes, the hopeless romantic, and sensitive Ross. Wow - What an positively arrogant bastard I just became during my usual scheduled time of despairing and regretting stuff. Though I don’t mean to be arrogant - as the point I was trying to bring across is that we all have various qualities and attributes from each of the Friends. They all reside in each of us to some extent, so you can’t just be fitted to one. Back to her - she just snapped me? What in the world? Okay calm down dude, relax you idiot. Don’t ruin this moment - it’s not a big deal - it’s just a snap (even though it visibly means so much considering your little bit of anxiety subsided without you initially even noticing, and you’re grinning like an idiot at her name popping up on your phone). And open! Oh the absolute bloody hell. It’s a snap of the same episode I just watched, on the plus one channel certainly enough, because it’s an hour later. The caption - “hi friend” on top of a very distinct character’s face. I’m Ross. That cheeky yet adorable little minx (Minx? What? So I tend to say non-sensical stuff & my brain freezes more than usual quite often when it comes to her). So I switch over to the same channel, grab my phone & send her a “hey friend” snap right back - and you can probably guess quite easily.. that it was on top of a portrait view of Rachel. So we snapped and chatted ever so slightly more this evening - and my whole day turned upside down - which means I’m the right way up now.

Finished writing up my little pub quiz for tomorrow at work. Snuck in a question right at the end about the snowy mountain I was at with her on the weekend, which I couldn’t resist. Well I mean I guess I could have, but didn’t want to. It just felt right and left me with blissful content, ending the quiz on such a beautiful note. Just like us. It all get quite unintentionally poetic, and I loved it. Plus people need to learn more about the Country they live in, so I’m really doing everyone favours here (says the hypocrite). What makes this night even better is that she just did my quiz. I know she didn’t probably care to talk to me or anything, which doesn’t matter because she did my quiz & I’m full of smiles as a result. I kept to my word and didn’t call her though. We made it work as I sent her real time snaps of each question on my TV, blanking out the rest of the background or hiding other questions with various random emojis. One by one. She even cutely reaffirmed the 10 second rule of answering without me having to mention anything. The smartypants ended up with 6/10 (even a 6.5 really - heh, as she chose correctly on one of them the second time but I strictly took her first answer). I can guarantee its gonna be higher than the average amongst large groups tomorrow when I conduct this live. She even cracked a few of her classic puns for one of the questions which wasn’t surprising at all, and kept this stupid smile glued to my face. Then we wished each other a nice weekend and night ahead & parted our ways. Though it was a simple experience, it was a momentous feeling - especially with that last question. I wonder if she thought back to our weekend also because of it. Maybe it made her smile? I hope so. It certainly made me.. did I already mention that? Well shit, this can’t be good.

[mellieface]

Metamours FTW!

So this week has been hectic, in a word. J had a bad fall on her patio Sunday evening, so Bear (her coparent/roomie/ex who is more than a friend now) escorted her on the ambulance to the hospital and shot me a text. I was at work and worked a double on Monday, then two friends needed my time on Tuesday, so as soon as I was done running around town (literally had been walking for about 5 and a half hrs) I packed up my things and went to J’s house. She was laid up in bed with a leg brace, ankle compression wrap, and her arm was still in its splint from an injury the week before. I swear, this girl is gonna give me a heart condition. She had a chair with a bedpan beside the bed, and her meds were right next to the bed as well in a bag she keeps them in. So the first thing I did was organize the two drawers in her nightstand to make them more functional and for easier access to things she needed (remotes, hair ties, etc). It’s a good thing I am a PCA (one of my two jobs) because all I did was PCA work Tuesday evening, Wed, yesterday, and a little bit this morning. I administered her pain meds every four hours, muscle relaxer every 8, and she had her morning psych meds and vitamins, and bedtime meds. Plus if she needed coffee or a drink, I’d run them to her from the kitchen. If she needed a bedpan swapped out, I went upstairs, dumped it in the toilet, washed it out, brought it back down. I fixed her food, gave her a bed bath, helped with brushing or putting up her hair. Helped move her to the living room and back. And made dinner both nights for all of the adults, and an additional one for the kids. (Bear’s kids were there Wed night). Holy hell. And then J’s babysitter, who got the kids up and going in the morning and picked them up in the afternoon to bring them to appointments, who said she would take care of the bedtime routine, took off as soon as they first went to bed last night. So every half hour for a couple of hours, I had to run up and down the stairs because J’s older son was wound up last night. I kind of feel like a third parent at this point. Not that I mind it at all. It’s just exhausting, especially when one was laid up, and the other took off yesterday because he needed to just get away and have time for his self care. So I broke down last night. Sobbing. Because I can’t even snuggle her the way I want and need to, and I miss being physically and sexually intimate with her. It has been more than 3 weeks now since the last time that happened, because it has been one thing after another with her. First she had pneumonia, then she injured her arm (though I got to see her that week), and now she is laid up. And we can’t go to my family’s cookout on Sunday and have alone time with just the two of us because she can’t drive right now. So there is no outlet. Once I released my tension and emotions and purged all of that, we talked and she held me and then today we snuggled some more before I had to leave. So now that you’re all caught up to speed, let’s talk about Bear. First of all, I think it is funny that he has the same initial as J, so I had to think of another code name for him. #polyproblems =P On Tuesday, he ran out to the store for a couple of things and asked me if there is anything special I like. I told him Twix bars are my fave (I also don’t eat them that often). He came back with two of those mini-bar strips. So I have plenty to get through my period which should come any day now, and I had some over the past couple of days to treat myself. He also told me I am invaluable, helped out with J last night when he returned so that I could have a bit of alone time (before I brought her to bed and broke down anyway, lol), took care of the dogs and helped with some of the bed pan trips and running to the stores this week, and this morning (and yesterday now that I remember) he made me breakfast. We have had some really good talks about boundaries as metamours, the spoon theory and need for self care, the gender binary, kink and bdsm, and polyamory and other queer related things. He is pretty cool and I am glad he can service needs of hers I can’t, or take over when I need just 20 mins to myself. The dynamic us 3 have is awesome. I am out of spoons today and gearing up for my work weekend, but having a metamour who cares about my well being is refreshing, given what has been going on with K and how he treats S, and me not wanting to have anything to do with K anymore. I have been doing some things since I got home an hour and a half ago to make myself feel a bit better. And I will get through this weekend. It’s just been a rough week. But I am glad I have S to vent to or for support, and Bear to help out as he is able. And J, who is so easy to love and loves me and appreciates me and does what she can to be there for me and support me too, even when she can’t deal. Life is okay.

[canaryatlaw]

well today was ok. woke up the normal time and all that, logged on and checked in with the court about a holdover hearing from Friday that they called me for a bit later but then I couldn't get in touch with the client for like an hour but thankfully re-established contact while the court was still up before lunch, so we were able to be heard. It was a gross child abuse case so it was satisfying for me to see the order get granted. it's in a weird disposition because they have a custody case in a different county, so we probably won't be able to offer them representation, which is unfortunate because if we could I would definitely do so. by the time I finished with that it was around 1, I called my psychiatrist to check in and asked if he wanted me to go get the EKG today and he said that would be great, it was a bit of a time crunch because I was back up supervisor for clinic and my work buddy who was the main supervisor had to start a hearing at 2 so I'd be taking over from there, but fortunately we didn't have anything that came up in that time frame so all was good. but yeah, I ubered over to the hospital and had to wait for a bit at registration, then got the order to go up to the 4th floor, and of course the EKG itself took all of like five minutes to accomplish haha. So hopefully that will give us some answers along with the blood work, as I'd really like to just not have to deal with this when I already have so much medical stuff at the moment and I'm particularly wary of messing with my psych meds because they've been keeping me stable on the same combination of meds legit since 2013, and the one that might be causing the problem was the one we experimented taking off in the summer of 2017 and it was a giant failure, I torpedoed so fast and was missing like 3-4 days a week of my internship because I just couldn't get out of bed (that's the one advantage of unpaid internships, they can't really fire you). so far we haven't discussed removing that one though, we're trying to take me off another one that might be interacting with it and see what happens, so that's that. I ubered back home and the rest of the afternoon was pretty quiet, around 4:50 I left for my PT appointment, which was good. It was definitely a work out, I was with the PT person I don't quite know as well as my main person so it was a little awkward but by the end I felt like I had gotten a good amount of exercise in, even when some of it just consisted of like, balancing activities, lol. got home and made some dinner, then tuned into the 9-1-1 season finale, which was pretty harrowing, but (spoilers ahead) I was glad everyone made it out alive and oh gosh, Athena running into the burning building to get Bobby was just so fucking epic, I couldn't even deal. From there I switched over to Black Lightning for their series finale (boo!!!!) which was also very action packed, I'm glad to see Jen came back to being Jen, though the whole thing about how that happened was a bit weird, to say the least, but I'm sure there was a real world necessity for the storyline (likely China Anne McClain wanting to do another project or something like that). overall I liked the episode a lot, Jeff was pretty fucking epic breaking out of the coffin like that. once that was done I went back over to 9-1-1: Lone Star that had just played (which I recorded) which was also very good, and then the news and Jimmy Kimmel for a bit, and then I showered and started getting ready for bed and now I'm here, it's just 2 minutes before 2 am so definitely time to head to sleep. Goodnight babes. Hope your Monday didn't suck.