#give me the cpap machine please

[thetrekkiehasthephonebox]

walking around like why am I so tired all the time? GIRL YOU STOP BREATHING WHEN YOU SLEEP

[coffeeman777]

This is for all of my follwers/mutuals who are Christians:

I want to preface this by saying that what I'm about to share with you is only to ask you for prayer. I don't want favors, and I'm not looking for a handout. We need God to open a door for us, and so I beg you, please pray for us.

We moved to Florida coming on three years ago. We came here primarily because we believed God was leading us here. In various ways, we believed God confirmed His will for us, and so I left a great job and we sold a great house to move here. We have been opposed in every way imaginable since.

Days after moving down, Lisa and I were in a terrible car accident that we only walked away from by God's grace. We were rear-ended by an Edible Arrangements delivery truck on the highway, and Lisa sustained significant injuries that are still causing us major problems. The franchise owner was operating their delivery vehicle without insurance, and I've learned since that they shut down their Edible Arrangements franchise and took off, leaving us holding the bag.

I've been in armed security since I got out of the Marines, and in New Hampshire, that was enough to take care of myself and my family. But it isn't in Florida. The pay for most armed security gigs here is super low, and I haven't been able to find work comparable to what I had in New Hampshire. So I tried to change courses.

I earned my personal trainer certification through the National Academy of Sports Medicine, but couldn't make it as a trainer. I made the attempt to go back to college and get a degree and certification as a paramedic, but after months of jumping through hoops, that fell through. I went back to New Hampshire by myself and spent six months away from my family to try to earn enough money working both my old job and a second job, but that plan didn't work because hours were limited with both gigs, and each job wanted me to work overlapping hours; I couldn't make the schedules line up.

My incredibly generous parents-in-law offered to pay our bills so that I could come back to Florida and try a new plan. I went to a CDL training course to get into trucking. After the very long and very expensive process, I finally got my CDL-A. While I was working on that, a random disagreement between my health insurance company and the medical supplier that issued me my cpap (I have sleep apnea) resulted in the supplier demanding that I give them the machine back. It took from middle February to early June for me to get another cpap. The end result is that, as of today, I have just under two months of cpap usage data. I discovered only after getting my CDL that no trucking company will hire me with less than 90 days of cpap usage data.

I've been pre-hired and subsequently turned away from three different trucking companies since I got my CDL over the cpap nonsense (one of which told me that what I had for cpap usage was fine, only to tell me on the first day of orientation that it actually wasn't fine, and they had to let me go). It's going to be another month before I can get started with any trucking company, and I'm concerned that I'll have to go to refresher training, which will only increase the months of time I'll have to spend as a trainee with whatever company hires me, which means it will be a long time before I make enough money to survive.

My in-laws can't continue paying our bills, and although I've had a half dozen low paying jobs in this time just to be bringing in something, now I'm struggling to get anything. I've applied to more jobs than I can remember, and I can't get any traction. Not even Domino's will call me back. Our backs are up against a wall.

My first payment for the money I borrowed to pay for CDL school was due almost a month ago, and I haven't been able to pay it (I had to get financing because my GI Bill expired and the VA ignored my request for an extension). Rent is almost 2k a month. We can't afford groceries (we've been living off of food pantries).

I don't know what to do. I've been crying out to God for an open door, but so far nothing has happened. My in-laws are just about tapped out, and in my mind, the only thing worse than wrecking my own family financially is dragging them down with me.

Please pray for us. Please pray for God to give us an open door, or some understanding of what to do next. I know God didn't bring us here to let us die. God is good, and God keeps His promises. God is perfect, and righteous, and just in all His ways. God has promised that He will turn about all things for the good of them that love Him. I know God has not abandoned us, and that when the time is right, God will make a way.

I say again, I am not looking for favors or begging for money. I know all of us are really going through it right now. All I want from you is prayer. Please pray intensely for us.

Thanks, I love you all.

[littlestarbigsky]

first fic !! sooo i wrote this a little while ago about this post from @outsidersheadcanons and it’s been burning a hole in my notes for like three weeks lol ALSO! i might make this into multiple parts bc the headcanons are just cemented in my brain 👀 (i’ll probably have another part up by the end of the week)

anyways. here’s some soda and pony comfort ft. nightmares and pony with sleep apnea :)

it was probably lucky that soda was so patient. lucky that he could operate with little to no sleep and fall back asleep almost instantly. probably that he was such a light sleeper, too.

the clock on the bedside table read 2:58 in the morning when soda felt pony moving around. he knew it was a nightmare just by how hot the bed had gotten, pony only ever burned up like this when he was scared or anxious.

soda rolled over, trying to get pony to wake up. he started gently at first, just nudging his arms and speaking softly, but it wasn’t long before pony was thrashing around and soda was sitting up and shaking his little brother.

soda could hear pony wheezing, his chest was contracting and his arms were flailing around, getting caught in the oxygen tube of his cpap machine.

ever since those damn socs got ahold of him and tried to drown him in that fountain, his lungs had just never gotten better. all the smoke he took in in the burning church didn’t help matters. it all added up to a slew of breathing problems for pony that started popping up a while after johnny got out of the hospital. severe asthma, chronic coughing fits, and, most recently, sleep apnea.

it took soda a while, much longer than he was comfortable with if he was being honest, to wake pony up. when he finally did come around, it was with a wheezing gasp that rattled in his chest and a series of wet sounding coughs that just didn’t want to stop. his arms being tangled in the tubing didn’t help matters, he couldn’t push himself up or even onto his side, and every attempt he made to move just seemed to make it worse.

“i know, kiddo, just give me a second,” soda worked quickly, somewhat familiar with how to get the tubing untangled without having to turn off the oxygen.

by the time soda had freed him from the cpap, pony was shoving at the straps of the maskaround his head, his hands too weak to get them off.

“hey hey hey,” soda got his arms around his little brother and pulled him up so pony was leaning against him, elevated enough that he could breathe easier. “it’s okay, i’m here, i got ya.”

pony’s chest continue to contract, his shallow breaths barely giving him the air to let out small sobs, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“s-soda…” pony wheezed out, his hands desperately trying to move the straps from his face and head to no avail.

“i know, little man, but you gotta keep it on,” soda whispered, placing a cold, grounding, hand on his chest and gently running the other through pony’s hair. “just give it a minute, it’ll get easier in a second, just be patient, breathe, you’re okay.”

pony was still crying, soda could feel him shaking in a way that had nothing to do with his lungs. he flipped over and hugged himself to soda’s chest, the mask digging into his brother’s ribs, but soda didn’t care. he held his baby brother tight to him, listening intently to his quivering sobs and the wheezes that chased them, and if that didn't break soda's heart clean in two... well, nothing could.

eventually, pony pulled his head out from soda’s stomach and blinked his big green eyes up at him for a moment before he whimpered, “soda… please…”

soda sighed, “you gotta keep the mask on, honey, i’ll hold it if you want to take off the straps.”

pony nodded desperately, already reaching for the strap around the back of his head. the mask tumbled off his face before soda had the chance to hold it steady. he grabbed it, ready to put it back into place, but stopped when he heard the small hiccup of a sob.

“jus’ gimme a second,” pony gasped, his breath still catching in his throat but not hiding the sound of his crying. “i’ll put it back on…”

soda only pulled pony back into his arms, holding him as tight as he could without worrying if it was too much for his lungs to handle.

“was it about mom and dad again?” soda asked gently, carding a hand through ponyboy’s hair.

"i... i dunno-" pony tried to say, but he only started coughing again. the coughing was so deep, so chesty that it seemed like pony was trying to cough up an organ. soda knew from bitter experience that if pony kept working himself up and coughing like this, he would end up making himself sick.

he didn't wait for an invitation, he cradled pony into his lap, head resting against his shoulder, and pressed the mask back over his mouth and nose. pony squeezed his eyes shut in discomfort for a moment, but went boneless in his brother’s arms as the air started flowing into his aching lungs.

“there you go, just calm down,” soda whispered, rocking them slightly. “i gotcha, baby, you’re alright.”

“i…” pony tried to say, but just trying to speak made his chest contract. it took him a few more moments to really get out what he meant. “i just want it to stop.”

and soda understood. he didn't need to say if it was the apnea or the nightmares that he was tired of, because soda knew he was just so exhausted by all of it that it didn't even matter. he was so tired of fighting with himself, and the thought alone made soda’s heart break a little more. he held his baby brother as tight as he could, hoping that one day there would be nights they could both sleep all the way through.

until then, this was fine. it didn’t matter if ponyboy fell asleep with soda holding the mask in place, he’d keep himself awake for days if it meant his brother could have just a bit of rest.

so when darry walked in to find pony fast asleep and bundled up in soda’s arms in the morning, soda still sleepily holding the mask in place and shaking his head every few seconds to keep himself awake, he decided he could spare a few minutes before leaving for work. after quickly consulting their calendar to make sure soda didn’t have work, he pulled pony off of him and had him lay down, happily wrapping an arm around both of his little brothers while they slept. soda was fast asleep by the time darry had to leave. he gently fastened pony's mask back over his face and pulled the blankets back up over them, pressing a kiss to both of their heads before leaving them to sleep.

[sirfrogsworth]

I know phone customer service people have to put up with a lot. And I always try to be kind and reasonable.

But sometimes people just suck.

I am trying to order new CPAP supplies because my mask broke and it is currently held together with duct tape. And it's been a while so they said they needed a new prescription. It would take two days to process it. So I called back in 3 days.

I get a new woman this time and she says I need "chart notes" along with my prescription. So I call my doctor's office and say I need chart notes. She says "okay" and I assumed she faxed them over.

I call the CPAP lady about an hour later and I ask, did you receive the chart notes? She says "yes" but it was not what she needed. So I ask, "Okay, can you tell me what chart notes are so I can explain what you need?" She just says again, "They are chart notes." And I'm like, "Okay, but can you give me an example of a note so I can explain it?" She responds, "No."

My phone anxiety goes to 11 at this point.

I explain that clearly the doctor's office lady didn't understand what was needed. So I need more information about what chart notes are. She once again repeats, "She should know what chart notes are. Just ask for chart notes."

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

"Okay, can you call the doctor's office and just ask for what you need directly?"

"I will not do that."

"Can she call you and ask what you need."

"No I will not talk to her."

I start crying out of frustration.

She let out an angry sigh that she clearly wanted me to hear.

"Look, she clearly made a mistake. People make mistakes. Just call her back and tell her to send chart notes."

I try to apologize for getting upset. I explain that I am not good on the phone and get anxiety. She gives another angry sigh. I say, "Look, I've called about 5 different people by now, I have a broken CPAP mask I need replaced and I am clearly not getting anywhere. All I'm asking is that you give me a general example of what constitutes a chart note so I can be assured when I call another person, I can give her the information she needs. Can you please just give me an example?"

FINALLY, she explains what a goddamn chart note is. She said it is doctor's notes talking about the CPAP machine and how it is benefiting my sleep apnea.

Was it really necessary to go through all of that to get that answer?

Then I call my doctor's office back and she says, "Oh, I haven't faxed that yet. It's buried pretty deep in your chart and it will take a little time to find."

So it turns out that entire phone call was unnecessary and the CPAP lady was incorrect about receiving a recent fax.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

There is a reason I have telephobia.

[mayalaen]

saturday story time #3

The third and final story time to sum up the last few months!

This one isn’t so much my family as the main cause, but rather their reaction to what happened that’s made life.. interesting.

My psych doc started out as a regular doc and got into psych when she worked in a hospital with lots of behavioral health admissions (across the street from the state prison for the criminally insane).

She’s taken care of my whole family for like 15 years now. She’s got a very strong personality, and when we need something, she makes sure we get it.

She fought Phillips Respironics (the biggest manufacturer of CPAP and other respiratory therapy products in the world) bc they were going to make my mom wait for 2-3 years before replacing a CPAP machine that was leaking little pieces of rubber into the hose and going into patients’ lungs.

My pdoc got them to replace it within 3 weeks of us telling her they wanted us to wait.

And she’s done tons of stuff for us including helping to get a few of us on disability for mental issues even when none of us thought we were in need of it (haha yes we thought we were just normal enough to get by but apparently the government was like OH NO here have this disability please and don’t work for a company ever!)

She calls me a lot and we talk. She probably tells me way more than she should, but she knows I don’t spread stuff, and we kinda leaned on each other when it came to work and family and the medical system itself.

She would even talk about tough medical cases with me that they were having trouble solving and it was exciting to be involved in all that again. I helped a few people get treatment for things that I remembered from working all over the country but the docs where she worked didn’t know about. The way my brain links things and sees patterns definitely comes in handy with medical stuff.

Anyway, a few months ago she called me and was like “give me 3 weeks to get through what’s happening right now and then change your PCP to someone else.”

She didn’t explain, but I knew she was having trouble with the last few places she worked at. She made sure all our meds were refilled for three months, which was very cool of her, but it was weird to just hear nothing else from her!

Back when the pan/demic hit, she decided to stay home to work bc her mom has a bad immune system, and she’s been doing Co/vid test results and teledoc for 2 years. One year ago she started working at a Co/vid clinic.

And boy howdy were Co/vid clinics corrupt! Within weeks she was telling me so much shit it was blowing my mind.

All these places popped up at the beginning of the pan/demic and were milking the government for money while not doing 95% of the things they said they did and a lot of places were selling vac/cine cards to people who didn’t get vac/cinated.

The government wasn’t checking into it because they had enough going on, and all these corrupt business people got away with it for almost 3 years. They were taking government loans and aide too.

Until they started talking about dropping the federal emergency (it didn’t end until last month, but they were talking about it for a while).

And then the shit hit the fan.

Corrupt doctors and and business owners left in the middle of the night! Like seriously just abandoned these places over the course of about 2 weeks, taking everything of value and locking the doors.

They didn’t inform the employees, so the employees, non-corrupt docs, and nurses showed up the next morning to locked doors on these businesses with weeks of labor left unpaid.

My pdoc and a bunch of others got together, got a lawyer, who realized how big this was and got other lawyers involved, and this quickly became a country-wide case.

But then I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks.

And then came the call where she hurriedly said to change my PCP.

It’s been four months since then and none of us have been able to get a hold of her. Her website has been down ever since, her phone is being answered by someone new who has her number and doesn’t know her, and all the insurance companies say she just isn’t registered anymore.

So I don’t know if shit got really bad to the point where even the good guys went down or maybe she took a settlement and retired with the agreement that she not speak to anybody? Or maybe she actually was one of the corrupt ones? I just don’t know.

Suddenly the family was left without a doctor, but I wasn’t freaking out because I figured I’d just get me, my mom, and my dad to a new place and that’s that. A pain in the ass but doable.

That’s when the rest of my family called and was like HALP!!!

They had no idea what to do because my pdoc had taken care of everything for so long that they didn’t understand insurance and the medical system anymore, which I do.

So they all expected me to get everything of theirs changed and make them appointments and get them meds and...

I was like uhm no. You’re adults. I’m taking care of enough stuff. If you get stuck and need help I’ll answer questions, but you have to do this.

So for weeks they were running around like the sky was falling, but they got everything worked out eventually.

I’m starting to catch up on 3 years of missed doc and specialist appointments now with me and my parents, so that’s a relief.

But yeah that federal emergency thing dropping last month means a lot of those places are being investigated now, but I have no idea how many they’ll catch given the fact that everybody who saw the axe coming took off.

[sebstanaddict]

Always You

Chapter 22 - Dying To Be Alive

Summary : A love story chronicling the love and life of Sebastian Stan and Female!Reader. Inspired by Sebastian Stan's recent love life.

In this chapter we'll find out what happens to reader after Sebastian was told that her condition had gotten worst overnight

Pairings : Sebastian Stan x Female!Reader

Chapters: 22 / 25 (added chapter count as I wrote more)

Chapter List >

Warning : angst, grief, fluff

Word count : 5.7k

----

I'm dying to be alive yeah

I'm dying to be alive yeah

Lets not go through our lives

Without just dying to be alive

The people you've touched

They way you've touched them

I hope they've touched you too.

'cause in this life, its hard to tell

What's false and what is true yea

We're all on the ground just cryin' out

Would somebody save me please

I won't sit around just thinking about

The troubles that tomorrow brings

And we all come tumbling down

No matter how strong

We all return to the ground

In the days to come you'll say why did I wait

You can't just leave your life up to fate.

You've gotta turn it around before it's too late.

Dying to be Alive - Hanson

-----

The Brooklyn Hospital Center, Brooklyn, New York - March 2022

When Sebastian arrived in front of the ICU, dr.Jake was there waiting for him. His heart beat faster as he saw him. He braced himself and got ready to hear the worst.

"Doctor.. how is she?" Sebastian asked.

"Mr.Stan, Ms. Y/l/n's oxygen saturation went as low as 90% last night. It seems the antibiotic we gave her didn't work as well as we had hoped. She had fluid build up in her lungs and we had to drain them." dr.Jake explained.

"Oh.. So, what do we do now? How can we help her?" Sebastian asked, his heart plummeted as he listened to the doctor.

"I've prescribed a different antibiotic for her. And I would like to suggest to put her on CPAP to help increase her oxygen saturation." dr.Jake continued.

"What's a CPAP doctor?" Sebastian asked.

"CPAP is short for Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. It's a machine that provides positive pressure of air through a mask and into the airway, which helps to keep the airway open. It will hopefully help increase the level of oxygen in her lungs. It's our last resort in order to avoid putting her on a ventilator. If you put her on a ventilator, we have to sedate her and put her to sleep because it will be very painful. So it's better if we can avoid that." dr.Jake explained.

"Oh I see.. I didn't know about the ventilator. The CPAP.. it will not hurt her, will it?" Sebastian asked.

"No, we'll just put a mask that will cover her mouth and nose." dr.Jake said.

"Okay. If you think putting her on CPAP will help her, then please do it." Sebastian said.

"Alright. We'll put her on it as soon as possible. And one more thing Mr.Stan, I would also like to suggest to give her a transfusion of convalescent plasma. I originally hoped that we didn't have to give it to her. But as I see her progress, I believe it's needed for her." dr.Jake said.

"Convalescent plasma?" Sebastian asked in confusion.

"Yes, it's blood plasma collected from patients who have recovered from Covid. It has the necessary antibodies that can help suppress viral replication of the virus." dr.Jake explained.

"Oh I see. Well if you think it will help her, please give it to her." Sebastian said.

"Alright Mr.Stan. We'll put her on CPAP and put in a request for the convalescent plasma." dr.Jake said.

"Thank you doctor. What about the baby? Is she okay?" Sebastian asked.

"We've checked with a doppler ultrasound and she seems to be in a little distress. Which is why we need to put Ms.Y/l/n on CPAP as soon as possible. We don't want her to go into preterm labour." dr.Jake said.

Sebastian's heart sank into his stomach as he heard what the doctor had to say.

"Oh okay. Yes, please put her on CPAP as soon as possible." Sebastian said.

"Will do, Mr.Stan." dr.Jake said, nodding his head.

"Can I.. can I see her?" Sebastian asked, his voice shook as he tried to control his emotion.

"We're currently having her do proning position to help with her breathing. You may see her while we prepare the CPAP machine." dr.Jake said.

"Thank you doctor." Sebastian said.

Moments later Sebastian stood by Y/n's side wearing a hazmat suit and protective gear while holding her hand tight. She was lying on her left side, trying to take deeper breaths. Sebastian glanced at the pulse oxymeter on her finger that showed her current oxygen saturation. It was showing 92%, not high enough to keep their baby comfortable.

"Seb.." Y/n called out.

"Yes, honey. I'm here.." Sebastian said, picking her hand up and kissed it from behind his N95 mask.

"It.. hurts.. to.. breathe." She said slowly.

Sebastian felt like a dagger had pierced his heart as he listened to her. He wished he could take all the pain away from her. Let him take her place instead. He deserved it after all. It was him who messed up but why did Y/n and his baby had to suffer the consequences.

"Oh sweetheart, hang in there.. you're doing great. Dr.Jake is preparing a CPAP machine that can help you breathe better, okay? Don't you worry, sweetheart, everything is going to be okay." Sebastian said, squeezing her hand tight.

He said it to comfort her but he also said it to comfort himself. To be honest he wasn't sure how things would turn out for her. Just yesterday it seemed she and his baby was doing fine, but just over night her condition suddenly became worst. He tried so hard not to think of the worst. He couldn't. He couldn't deal losing her or his baby.

"I'm.. sorry.." Y/n said in between her breaths.

"Baby, why are you saying sorry? It's me who should be saying sorry. I messed up. I really did." Sebastian said, tears started to fall from his eyes, making his mask wet.

Y/n smiled and looked up at him. She noticed that he had started to cry.

"Don't.. cry.. Seb.. I.. love.. you.." she said.

"I love you too, Y/n.. my love." Sebastian said, stroking her hand gently as he tried to blink back tears from his eyes. He had to be strong. For her and for their baby. He wasn't going to let himself cry in front of her again. He wiped the tears from his eyes with his hand and took a deep breath.

"I wish I could kiss you.. " he murmured, making Y/n smiled.

"I wish.. that.. too.." she said as she reached her hand out to touch his face shield.

Just then dr.Jake came into the room accompanied by a male nurse behind him. The male nurse were pushing what Sebastian suspected to be the CPAP machine.

"Mr.Stan, I'm sorry but we're going to put the CPAP on her. Would you please wait outside?" dr.Jake said.

"Oh okay. Sure." Sebastian said, releasing Y/n's hand from his grip.

"No..Seb.. can't he.. stay here..please.." Y/n said, pleading as she reached her hand to Sebastian's hand and held it close to her.

"I'm sorry Ms.Y/l/n. We need to focus as we put the CPAP mask on you. It's better if he stays outside. We'll let him back in once we're done. Okay?" dr.Jake said.

"Okay.." Y/n said dejectedly.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'll be right outside. You can still see me." Sebastian said and Y/n nodded slowly.

He kissed her hand again and stroked her cheek gently. Then he reluctantly left her side to wait right outside the isolation room.

As he watched the doctor and his team put on the CPAP mask on her, he continuously offered a prayer in his heart. He was never much of a religious person. But he had never felt so powerless like he did that day.

"Dear God, I know you're out there and can listen to my prayers. I'm sorry if I haven't been close to you. I promise I will. Please safe Y/n, please safe my baby girl. They deserve to live. They deserve to be happy.. I don't know what I would do if I lose them. Please God.. please.. " Sebastian prayed. He held both his hands in front of him, his head bowed down as tears fell down freely from his eyes, soaking his mask.

It didn't take too long for dr.Jake to put the CPAP mask on Y/n and set the machine. After he was done he went out of the isolation room to meet Sebastian.

"Mr.Stan, as you can see we've put on the CPAP mask on her. So far it has helped increase her oxygen saturation. It's at 94% now." dr.Jake said.

"Oh thank God. Thank you doctor." Sebastian said, hope started to fill his heart.

"I suggest not to have her talk too much. It's hard for her to talk anyway because of the mask. And she needs to rest." dr.Jake said.

"Alright doctor. But is it okay if I stay here?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes but not too long. I can give you an hour but after that we need you to stay outside. You can visit her again this afternoon." dr.Jake said.

"Oh okay. Thank you doctor. What about the plasma?" He asked.

"We've put in a request through the blood bank because we don't have it available here. We haven't received a confirmation yet from the blood bank. We'll let you know as soon as we do." dr.Jake said.

Sebastian's heart plummeted again as he heard the news from dr.Jake.

"Oh alright. I hope we can get it as soon as possible. Is there anything I can do to help make the process faster? In case the blood bank doesn't have it maybe I can announce it on my social media account. I'm sure someone out there can help." Sebastian asked.

"I'm sorry Mr.Stan, I wouldn't recommend getting plasma through social media. We don't know for sure if they're of good quality or not. The ones provided through the blood bank have been screened to make sure they have a high titer count of the Covid antibody. They've also been screened against infectious diseases like AIDS. So I suggest we just wait for the response from the blood bank." dr.Jake explained.

"Oh..okay..yeah..I didn't realize that. Thanks doctor. Would you please let me know immediately once they've responded?" He asked.

"Of course Mr.Stan. Well, if there's nothing else, would you please excuse me." dr.Jake said.

"Okay. Thank you doctor.. for everything." Sebastian said.

"Of course Mr.Stan." dr.Jake nodded then left him alone in front of the door to the isolation room.

As soon as dr.Jake left, Sebastian pushed the button to open the door of the isolation room. He went inside and walked slowy to Y/n's side. Y/n was lying on her back again. Her mouth and nose were completely covered with the CPAP mask. A tube was inserted into one of her nose. He wondered what the tube was for. It seemed familiar to him but he couldn't place it. A nurse was standing on Y/n's other side, checking the pulse oxymeter on her finger. It was showing 95% much to Sebastian's relief.

"Well your oxygen saturation is at a good level Ms.Y/l/n.. that's great to see." The nurse said while writing on Y/n's medical record.

Y/n put up a thumb up to the nurse and nodded at her.

"Well, I better leave you two. I'll be back in an hour with your breakfast." The nurse said.

"Thank you, nurse." Sebastian said.

"Please just call me Stacy." Nurse Stacy said.

"Alright, Stacy. Thank you." Sebastian said, nodding his head at her.

"You're welcome Mr.Stan." Nurse Stacy said then she left the isolation room, giving Y/n and Sebastian some privacy. Sebastian reached out and held Y/n's hand and caressed it gently.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart? Can you breathe better?" He asked.

Y/n just nodded and put her thumb up.

"Good.. I'm glad." He said, taking a seat on a chair next to the bed.

Y/n then reached out her hand to his and put it on her stomach. Sebastian could immediately feel fluttering movement on her stomach. His baby seemed to be restless.

"Little bean.. how are you today? It's daddy.. don't worry okay? You just stay there and be comfortable. It's all going to be okay." He caressed her stomach gently, leaned down and spoke near Y/n's stomach, hoping his baby could hear him. As soon as he finished speaking, the fluttering movement subsided.

"She heard me, sweetheart.." he said in awe.

Y/n squeezed his hand and nodded and gave him a wide smile. He couldn't believe how responsive their baby was to him. He continued caressing her stomach gently, hoping his touch would soothe their baby and helped make her more comfortable.

"You know, I think it's time for us to start thinking of baby names now that we know we're having a baby girl." Sebastian said.

Y/n's eyebrows furrowed and she shook her head.

"Why not, sweetheart? I'll Google some baby girl names and say them and you can nod if you like it or shake your head if you don't like it." He suggested.

Y/n finally nodded her head after a while.

"Okay. Wait." Sebastian said as he pulled out his cellphone from a pocket on his hazmat suit.

After browsing on his cellphone for several moments, he finally stopped.

"Okay.. Anastasia?" He asked.

Y/n shook her head.

"Yeah no, that's my godmother's name." Sebastian said, shaking his head. He then proceeded to say baby girl names in alphabetical order while Y/n listened.

"Alexis? Amelia? Angelica? Aurora?" He asked.

Y/n shook her head on all of them.

"Bianca? Bree? Catalina? Christine? Claire?" He continued but Y/n kept shaking her head.

"Romanian.." she finally said from behind her mask.

"Oh.. you want Romanian names?" Sebastian asked, touched that Y/n would consider it at all. She nodded and smiled.

"Okay, let me take a look." He said as he changed his search on Google into Romanian girl names.

"Alina? Adelina? Andrea? Antonia? Aurelia?" Sebastian asked.

Y/n shook her head but reached out to hold his hand when he reached Aurelia and nodded.

"Aurelia huh? Well it means gold." He said, furrowing his brow.

"I don't know, baby, it's beautiful but maybe we should keep it now and consider other names too." He said, looking up at her expectantly.

Y/n nodded in agreement and squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue.

"Okay. Let's see. Crina? Dorina? Elena? Felicia? Iona? Luminita?"

Y/n shook her head but squeezed his hand and nodded when he reached Luminita.

"Luminita?" Sebastian asked and Y/n nodded.

"Well it means little light. I love it. Let's keep it too." He said, nodding his head. He then continued saying many Romanian girl names. They ended up liking three other names which were Sorina meaning sun like, Starlene meaning star and Ylenia meaning light.

"Honey, I'm happy that you would name our baby with Romanian names, really I am. But maybe we should also consider names from other languages. You know? Like.. I feel she's a miracle, coming to us in such an unexpected moment and becoming a light for us in the midst of all the crazy things happening in my life. So.." he trailed as he consulted his cellphone.

"How about Mirielle or Nasya? Both means miracle." He said, looking at her, and studying her, hoping she would agree.

Y/n smiled and nodded.

"I.. love.. them." She said slowly.

"Okay, I'm glad you do, honey." Sebastian said, smiling from behind his mask as he stroked her cheek gently.

"Let's keep all the names we've liked for now and decide later on." He said and she nodded in agreement.

He turned his cellphone screen off and returned it to the pocket on his hazmat suit. He then held both her hands in his.

"I still can't believe we're gonna be parents." He said.

"Yeah." Y/n responded and nodded.

"There's no one else in this world I'd rather do this with but you, honey. So, I'm grateful. I'm so happy I'm with you. And whatever is in front of us, good or bad, we'll handle it together. Everything is gonna be okay as long as we have each other." Sebastian said as he gently caressed the side of her face with his hand.

"I know.. Seb.. I know.." Y/n said, smiling at him.

Just then nurse Stacy came back, bringing a tray with two large glasses on it. One was filled with water and the other one was filled with white liquid that seemed to be milk.

"Hello Ms.Y/l/n. It's time for your feeding." She said cheerfully.

"Is that all you're going to give her?" Sebastian asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes Mr.Stan. With the CPAP mask on we can only give her food through the Nasogastric tube through her nose. So she can only have liquid food." Nurse Stacy explained.

"Oh I see." Sebastian said, his heart ached realizing how much sacrifice Y/n had to endure. He realized then what the tube that was inserted through her nose was for.

He watched as Nurse Stacy started to feed Y/n through the Nasogastric tube. Y/n grimaced as the white liquid was pushed with a large syringe through the tube and into her nose. She involuntarily swallowed as the liquid passed her throat and entered her stomach. She looked at Sebastian and smiled but he didn't return it. Sebastian's heart sank as he watched her. He was suddenly reminded of the time when he saw his grandmother being fed through a Nasogastric tube at a hospital in Romania as she battled with her illness. A couple of days after he saw her, his grandmother passed away.

He blinked back tears as the painful memory emerged in his mind. He couldn't stay any longer. He needed to get out. It was too much for him. He tried to be strong for Y/n, for his baby girl. But the sight of her being fed through the Nasogastric tube made him realize he could lose her too, just like he had lost his grandmother.

"Sweetheart.. I'm sorry.. I..uh..need to go to the restroom. I'll see you again this afternoon, okay?" Sebastian said as he released her hand and stood up quickly.

Y/n was surprised at his sudden change of behavior but just nodded.

"I'll see you later nurse Stacy." Sebastian said.

"Sure thing Mr.Stan. Don't worry, she's in good hands." Nurse Stacy said.

"Thank you." He nodded then turned around and went quickly out of the isolation room.

He took off the protective gear and hazmat suit and went out of the ICU quickly as the familiar weight of grief came creeping into his heart, threatening to paralyze him.

When he got out of the ICU he was slightly shocked to see his mother, sitting on the waiting area right outside the ICU. The sight of his mother triggered him, breaking the dam that blocked all of the emotions he had since that morning when he found out Y/n's condition had become worst. He ran to her and hugged her tight, crying and sobbing in her arms as grief, desperation, fear and hopelessness came crashing through him like a wave.

-----

Los Angeles, California - March 2022

Merida put the last of her clothing items into her suitcase. She checked the wardrobe in front of her and upon finding out it was empty of all her clothes and belongings, she closed it then pulled the zipper of her suitcase and closed it too. For the past couple of months she was in LA accompanying Ana as she shot her first Hollywood movie. The shooting of the movie was just finished the day before, a couple of days early because Shannon, Ana's co-star, had requested to finish her shoots early. As it happened, she had an emergency situation back in New York where she lived. Since Shannon was also one of the main stars, the whole movie ended up finishing shooting early. It made Merida happy because she missed Spain. She wanted to go back home as soon as possible. Unfortunately Ana had a different idea. She was still obsessed with Sebastian. She had overheard from Shannon that Sebastian was in New York, visiting Y/n who was critically ill. She also had overheard that Y/n was pregnant. She was outraged when she found out and she made plans to visit them and confront them about it. Granted, she wasn't supposed to see Sebastian. But Sebastian wasn't supposed to see Y/n either. She figured since Sebastian wasn't honoring the contract, it wouldn't be a problem if she did the same. So she asked Merida to accompany her to New York before they go back to Spain.

At first Merida didn't want to come. She persuaded Ana to drop her plans and just go back to Spain with her, but Ana was adamant. She didn't want to let Sebastian just go off the hook like that. Merida finally agreed to come even though she hated it. Ana was still her best friend. She felt an obligation to keep her company and help her.

Throughout her stay in LA, Merida became somewhat close to Shannon. They exchanged cellphone numbers and texted each other. She also became somewhat of a bridge between Ana and Shannon. It was clear Shannon hated Ana, seeing how she was friends with Y/n and Sebastian. But she was nice to Merida and trusted her enough that she shared what Ana had done to Y/n and Sebastian. Merida didn't know all of what Ana has done to Y/n and Sebastian. So it became quite a shock to her when she found out how far Ana had done to make sure Sebastian followed the contract. Merida thought she needed to help Ana go back to the right track. So she quietly made some plans to help Ana.

"Merida.. are you ready?" Ana's voice came through her bedroom's door.

"Yeah, I was just finished packing." Merida said as she stood up and pulled her suitcase toward the door.

She opened the door and found Ana already wearing her jacket and shoes. Her suitcase stood behind her, and her backpack on her shoulders.

"Let me just go get my hand bag." Merida said, turning around back into her room and grabbing her hand bag from the top of her bed.

Half an hour later she found herself sitting in a cab next to Ana as they went toward the airport. Ana was telling her what she was going to do to Sebastian and Y/n and Merida was horrified.

"Ana.. please rethink what you're about to do. You're not a criminal, Ana. If the authorities found out what you're about to do, you can go to jail!" Merida said.

"I won't.. My dad will bail me out anyway if I ended up in jail." Ana shrugged.

"But.. Ana.. you're going to hurt him. How do you expect him to want to be with you if you keep hurting the people he loves most." Merida stated.

"I don't care about being with him anymore, Merida. I just think that if I can't be with him then no one else can." Ana said defiantly.

Merida just sat there flabbergasted as she listened to her best friend. There was no doubt about it, she needed to do something. She couldn't just let Ana continue on with her plans. So she pulled out her handbag, pulled out her cellphone and decided to send Shannon a text message. She could at least warn Shannon and Shannon could warn Sebastian. But Ana knew what she was going to do and she snatched Merida's phone from her hands.

"Ana! What are you doing?" Merida cried out in surprise.

"I know what you're about to do. You're gonna tell Shannon aren't you? I'm not gonna let you." Ana said, her eyes looked at Merida in contempt. She then put Merida's cellphone inside her own bag and crossed her arms in front of her, angry that Merida was siding with Y/n and Sebastian instead of her.

Merida sighed in defeat. She needed to figure out how else she could help Sebastian and Y/n, and she needed to do it fast.

-----

The Brooklyn Hospital Center, Brooklyn, New York - March 2022

Sebastian was so glad to see his mother. He wasn't sure he would've been able to keep himself from breaking down and had an anxiety attack if his mother wasn't there for him. It felt like he was back when he was a kid, crying and sobbing on his mother's shoulder when someone at school bullied him.

It took awhile for Sebastian to finally calm down. As soon as he was calm, he explained Y/n's condition to his mother. His mother was very concerned but was also optimistic that Y/n and their baby was going to make it. She had read about treatments for Covid and she was certain that Y/n was getting the best things available at that time to heal from Covid.

Sebastian's mother stayed at the hospital with him until it was time for his visit to Y/n. She promised she would be back the next morning to accompany him.

"Thank you so much, mom, for being here." Sebastian said as he hugged his mother tight.

"Of course, honey. I would never leave you at a time like this. Send my love to Y/n and my granddaughter, will you. I can't wait to meet them." His mother said, hugging him back tightly.

His mother originally wanted to come inside the ICU to see Y/n, but Sebastian wouldn't let her. He didn't want to risk his mother catching Covid. So she agreed to just stay outside the ICU and accompany Sebastian.

"I'll tell them, mom. Thank you again." Sebastian said, releasing his mother from his embrace reluctantly.

"Take care, Sebby honey. And don't forget to pray. God listens. Believe in Him and He will give His miracles to you." Sebastian's mother said as she held Sebastian's sides with her hands and looked at him in the eyes.

Sebastian nodded. "Thanks mom, I will."

"Good boy." She said while pinching his cheek, making Sebastian smile.

"Mom, I'm not a baby anymore. Don't do that." He protested.

"No matter how old you are, you'll always be my baby. You'll know what I  mean once your baby is born." Sebastian's mother said, winking at him.

Somehow he understood what she meant even though his baby wasn't even born yet. The love he felt for his unborn child was overwhelming. He didn't know he could love someone even though he had never met them. He would do anything for her, that much was true.

After his mother left, he went inside the ICU to visit Y/n. To his relief, Y/n was just been given her afternoon feeding when he came. He didn't think he could see her being fed through a tube again. The image was too traumatic for him.

"Hi sweetheart. How are you? Are you breathing okay?" Sebastian asked as soon as he reached Y/n's side.

Y/n smiled as she looked at him and gave him a thumb up. He glanced at the pulse oxymeter on her finger and it was showing 94%. He was hoping it would be at least 95%, but as long as Y/n was still comfortable that should be good enough, he thought.

He sat down on a chair next to her and put his hand on her stomach. He felt a fluttering movement as soon as his hand touched her stomach. He smiled and greeted his daughter.

"Hey little bean.. are you excited that I'm here?" He leaned closer to her stomach and caressed it gently. Immediately he could feel his baby moved again.

"She's happy." Y/n said, squeezing his hand that was on her stomach and smiled.

"And I'm happy to see you both again." He said, squeezing her hand back.

"My mom sends her love for you and our baby, Y/n. She came this morning to visit you." He said.

"Oh. Please tell her.. thank you.." she said.

"She can't wait to meet both of you. She actually wanted to come in here.." Sebastian said and Y/n shook her head as she heard what Sebastian said.

"I know, sweetheart. I didn't let her in. It's too risky for her. Thankfully she understood. She stayed with me from this morning until it was my time to visit you." Sebastian explained.

"Good. You need some company." She said slowly.

Sebastian nodded. Just then a nurse came in. She hung a bag of liquid on the IV pole and connected the IV tube on Y/n's hand to the bag.

"I'm sorry, may I ask what is in the bag, nurse?" Sebastian asked.

"Oh it's antibiotic, sir." The nurse answered.

"Oh I see. By the way, is there any news on the convalescent plasma?" Sebastian asked.

"Yes, Mr.Stan. Unfortunately there is a shortage of convalescent plasma supply at the blood bank. They're trying to source it from the Red Cross and from other states." The nurse explained.

Sebastian's heart plummeted as he heard the news. He hoped the blood bank would be able to provide them with the plasma soon.

"Oh, okay, thank you. Would you please let me know as soon as we get an update from them?" Sebastian requested.

"Of course Mr.Stan." the nurse nodded then she excused herself from the room, leaving them with more privacy.

Sebastian suddenly had a brilliant idea regarding choosing the name of their baby. He would ask his baby directly on what name she would like to be called. The fact that his baby was responsive to his voice encouraged him to do it even more. He explained his idea to Y/n and she agreed wholeheartedly.

Out of all the names Sebastian and Y/n had liked previously, their baby  responded on two names Nasya and Starlene.

"Hmm. Maybe we can use both. Nasya Starlene Stan." Sebastian said.

"I like it. But..it's bad luck Seb to name a baby before they are born. Maybe we can decide later and just keep this for now." Y/n said.

"Yeah, okay. I've heard that too. I must say though I like what she liked." Sebastian said.

"Me too." Y/n said, smiling at him.

Thirty minutes passed by so quickly. It was time for him to leave. But he didn't feel like leaving just yet. For the past ten minutes Y/n had been coughing more frequently and her oxygen saturation had decreased to 93%. He called the nurse and after she checked on Y/n she contacted dr.Jake.

"I'm sorry Mr.Stan, it seems there is liquid build up in her lungs again. We have to drain it. Would you please wait outside." dr.Jake said.

Sebastian's heart sank as he heard it.

"Okay, doctor." He said.

He squeezed Y/n's hand and caressed her cheek.

"I'll be right outside, sweetheart." Sebastian said. Y/n nodded and coughed. His heart broke seeing her suffer like that. He went out of the ICU with a heavy and anxious heart.

After dr.Jake was done draining liquid from Y/n's lungs, Sebastian was allowed to come in again for a short while. He was relieved to see that Y/n's oxygen saturation had increased again to 95% and that she was able to breathe better.

Throughout that night Sebastian stayed on the waiting area outside of the ICU. He didn't want to go and sleep in his room. He wanted to be there when there was update on the convalescent plasma.

It was 10 pm when the nurse informed him that the blood bank was able to secure convalescent plasma for Y/n. And it was 2 in the morning when it finally arrived. Sebastian waited anxiously as Y/n was given a transfusion of the plasma. He prayed continuously that the plasma would help her heal.

"There may not be immediate changes after the transfusion. But hopefully we'll get positive progress everyday." dr.Jake had informed Sebastian after the plasma had been given to her.

As it turned out dr.Jake was right. After being given the convalescent plasma, Y/n's condition didn't become immediately better. She still needed occasional draining of liquid from her lungs. But as days passed she gradually became better. Her oxygen saturation had increased to 96% and had stabilized between 95-96%. Her coughs had lessened. And she didn't need to have liquid draining from her lungs again.

It was on the third day after Y/n was given the convalescent plasma that the unthinkable happened. Nurse Stacy came into the isolation room that morning when Sebastian had his visit. She brought in a box of cupcakes and gave it to Sebastian.

"Mr.Stan, these came for you." Nurse Stacy said.

"Oh.. thank you." Sebastian took the box from her and opened it.

The box contained six cupcakes that looked absolutely delicious. There was a card attached on top of the box. Apparently it was from Shannon. She was sorry she couldn't yet visit and promised to visit as soon as she was able.

"Y/n, this is from Shannon." Sebastian said, showing her the cupcakes.

"Oh that's so sweet of her. Pity I can't eat them." Y/n said dejectedly. She still had the CPAP mask on so she was still eating through the tube in her nose.

"Yeah, I can't eat them either. I swore off simple carbs and this will ruin it for me." Sebastian said.

"Give it to the nurses." Y/n suggested.

"Good idea, sweetheart." Sebastian nodded. He then gave the cupcakes to Nurse Stacy who received it happily.

After his visit to Y/n that morning concluded, Sebastian decided to go to the cafeteria downstairs to have breakfast. He was just about to go toward the elevators when he heard someone screaming from the nurse station.

He ran to the nurse station and was shocked beyond belief. Nurse Stacy was lying down on the floor with foam coming out of her mouth. Her colleague sat next to her in panic as they watched her frothing at the mouth.

Chapter 23>

Taglist

@sebsgirl71479 @scarletstarrs

[firelord-frowny]

re: my brother Probably Having Covid 

(at this point i’m concluding that hopefully the rest of my fam being vaccinated has protected us from catching it and/or from having symptoms, bc this asshole has been coughing All Around The World for like a solid week and a half now and so far nobody else in the house has any similar symptoms). 

so, he’s in his room having coughing fits like every 15 seconds. again, we’re not really worried about Severe Illness bc he’s otherwise totally alert, totally able bodied, no other real symptoms besides Hella Intense Coughing. But still, obviously the coughing is bad enough to be uncomfortable to the point of being unable to get any good sleep. 

so my mom goes and knocks on his door and she’s like, “will you please take something to give you some relief from all that coughing so you can get a good night’s sleep?” 

and he starts Blah Blah Blahing about ~hur dur i Dont Wanna Take Medicine, chemicals are Evil, blah blah~ 

and she’s like 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! literally how do you expect to feel better if you won’t DO ANYTHING to get yourself to feel better? 

~blah blah i’m Tough And Strong, i don’t need relief from evil government chemicals~ 🙄🙄🙄

and so i tell my mom to suggest herbal tea. lemon. honey. ginger. ~natural~ stuff. 

and so she suggests it 

but he still doubles down on his nonsensical obsession with Toughing It Out! 

FOR WHY????

and ya fuckin know what????

I find a person’s commitment to refusing treatment for disruptive ailments to be not just STUPID most of the time, but also selfish. 

You’re gonna keep the whole damn household up all night with your coughing just because you’re Too Manly to sip some fucking herbal tea??

color me Unsurprised tho, bc my dad has had the most grotesque snoring issue since the beginning of time, which, not only is snoring associated with an increased risk of HELLA serious health issues, but it’s also just loud and nasty-sounding. But because HE’S not worried about HIS OWN health risks, he’s refused to ever pursue any remedies at all whatsoever, and has instead been content to just deprive my mom of a peaceful night’s sleep for 32 damn years. 

irate reminder that your personal health issues are not always strictly personal. you have a right to make choices about your health, but the people around you also have a right to not be negatively impacted by your choices. if you’re not gonna take some fucking cough syrup, maybe go sleep in the basement?? if you’re not gonna get a damn cpap machine or whatever the fuck so you don’t snore all night and disturb your partner, maybe you just need to have your own bedroom??? maybe???? maybe take steps to mitigate the negative ways your personal health choices might affect the people in close proximity to you???

[thecrazydragonlady]

Head-shot Commissions for a Sleep Study

I’m having a sleep study done to assess some health issues. The cost is going to be $400 but even that’s going to be a bit difficult for me because of my other bills. I can’t avoid it. I really need the study done. 

I’m taking head-shot commissions. Each piece will be a single character from the shoulders up and digitized for $3 (Ko-Fi payment).

Edit as of 8/12/2020: My diagnosis is severe sleep apnea requiring that I receive an IPAP machine. Essentially, the CPAP that everyone recognizes with sleep apnea gives off constant pressure around of around 8 CWP (centimeters of water pressure), but the machine I'll use will fluctuate from 8 to as high as 15 CWP. The study helped. I still need to pay it off and any help will be deeply appreciated!

Examples below:

Additional characters can be done up to three but there will be an additional $3 charge for each additional character: 

Please visit my requesting document for more information on my restrictions and fandoms I’m willing to work with.

Please consider supporting my on Ko-Fi! 

Thank you for reading! 

[golden-frost]

My heart hurts so fucking bad right now.

The only thing I can do is make my dad a music playlist and put photos on the ipod in the hopes that the nurses will use it for him since I am not allowed to be by his side. He's in a critical care unit so we are not allowed to visit. We can FaceTime but its so short because they are so busy...any help the hospital staff gives us in seeing him is appreciated. I am grateful for his care team and I respect their time but this has been so hard...to only get to speak to him for minutes....

They are no longer sedating him and they took his breathing tube out but he now has pneumonia and is on a cpap machine...he is very groggy and is responding (he isn't speaking but gesturing and nodding when he's able) and the nurse we spoke to today says she knows he is in there but he seems to be not really showing it and that breaks my fucking heart.

When we can speak to him we tell him we love him and he needs to keep fighting. I am so scared thay my dad will give up because he thinks he's alone and we abandoned him....which I know seems like an irrational thing but my mom and I are his everything and we aren't there. In his most critical time we are not there.

They said I could give him is ipod so I have been doing nothing but pouring music I know he loves into a playlist so he can listen to it and I am praying it helps give him the spark he needs to keep fighting. I also am going to pepper voice recordings of mom and I tomorrow thought the music so he can hear our voices more often. Us telling him we love him, why we can't be there...anything I can think of to just talk to him. I am also putting family and pet photos on it so when he's more awake he has those too.

I love my dad so much and it this is breaking me....but dammit I am going to do the best I can with the things I can do...please keep fighting dad <3

[a-franciscan-spirit]

Please, please say a prayer for my dad. And for my family too. Long story under the cut.

My dad had major back surgery on Monday. They sent him home on Wednesday even though my mom told them he wasnt ready to leave the hospital yet. He requires constant care because he literally cannot do anything for himself right now. I can see the strain my mom is under right now, and Im trying to do everything I can for her in between work shifts. Im struggling to adult for three people so she can give him the continual care he needs. Neither of us have slept much all week. I woke up this morning, and my mom told me she almost had to call an ambulance for him last night. He couldnt walk, he couldnt breathe. My teenage brother had to help--cause I passed out and he was still awake--and they managed to make it through to morning thanks to the extra oxygen of his CPAP machine. Though apparently he is rather incoherent. But not even ten minutes later, my mom tells me that the doctor said he had to go to the ER cause he may have a pulmonary embolism. So my mom did have to call an ambulance.

I can hear them upstairs right now. God, Im so scared. And I cant afford to sit down and cry cause everyone needs me to be strong right now. And Im aware that the moment Im actually alone, Im probably going to collapse in a fit of anxiety.

I know Ive been bad about praying this week. I know I havent turned to God as I should have. I know Ive been trying to carry it all by myself. But I also cant help but feel like Ive let my mom down; like I havent done enough. Just because I end up being the one to hold up the home front, and attempt to keep things looking normal for my brother when Im not at work. There’s a small voice in my head that says “look at you. you cant keep trying to do more. youve done as much as you can. dont feel guilty about not doing more than you are able.” But its really hard to listen to it at the moment. I was planning to go to Mass today, but I dont know if I’ll be in a fit state to drive.

Anyway, before I end up babbling, I should go check on my mom... and make sure she cant tell Ive been trying not to cry for the last hour. It would be a big comfort to me to know at least someone is praying until Im alone enough to bawl into a rosary later. Edit: I forgot she said she was going to follow the ambulance to the hospital. And now it is eerily quiet... Update from mother who just got to the hospital: He’s apparently in sepsis, high fever, low blood pressure, etc etc. And shes beating herself up for not calling last night. I told her “you didnt know, you cant blame yourself for something you didnt know.” And the neighbors are already asking questions. Which, bless them, are well-intentioned, but that means I have to do damage control later. Afternoon update: He has been admitted to ICU with pneumonia and a slew of other things. I have no idea how long its going to be until he can come home again. And Im worried. At least he will get the care he needs and hopefully he will improve soon. 

Evening update: No sepsis, but he may have had a small heart attack... and had a liter and a half of fluid drained from his lungs. He also has very low kidney function and his liver is struggling so, he has a lot of things not working so well right now. Please keep praying.

[letmeliedown]

according to my machine i slept for 9 hours, and my AHI was somehow only 0.1, which is fucking incredible given the number of CNS depressants i’m on. orrrr my half-broken CPAP isn’t sensing my AHI properly and it’s actually higher, which tbh is more likely. but either way, i slept. 

i’m still so tired and in so much pain and so stiff i can barely move. but at least i finally slept.

still not really here, just giving an update. please continue to give me a lot of space. please keep sharing my and others’ posts about NYWS and the assault.

thanks friends

[justkimberley]

HSMTMTS Thoughts Episode 4

Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 5

Okay so like Courtney’s whole “what did they even where?” thing is just,,, ugh. Like come on she’s not stupid. She can just watch the movies to know??

Okay, I get that it would make you insecure if you tell someone you love them and they don’t say it back, but Nini said it to Ricky after a year of dating, EJ can’t realistically compare the two.

“Summers over,” oof I was really hoping for “and so are we,” at the end

Ricky is so happy to see his mom

Oof, uncomfortable parent time

EJ giving food poisoning with the hope of Nini getting to be the lead is scary.

Ricky’s whole life is crumbling before him.

Also isn’t saying that he’s the only thing that kept them together just going to make him feel guilty?

He just wants to get away, I just want to give him a hug

“Strike the chair please?” “With what?”

Poor Big Red, why did no one explain the lingo to him?

This is the wrong musical accompaniment for the Troy Gabriella duet to this song. They’re singing the Ryan and Sharpay version.

A+ angry singing

Gina is enjoying this way too much

Nini getting a diva moment to shut EJ up → hilarious

“It’s a love song,” “Were you not getting that?” *innocent face* “I’d like you to get to his heart without cracking his ribcage,”

Ricky is so distressed how does Miss Jenn not see it?

Then it’ll be easier to find him, if he smiles! - I love you Seb

Ricky hugs the pillow for comfort

“Unless it’s a family emergency,” “my parents are splitting up” *Miss Jenn I messed up oh shoot face*

At least she’s trying to help Ricky

Gina really is the epitome of fake it til you make it, huh?

“If he’s willing to do that to somebody, how long before he tries to poison me?” - yeah Courtney I agree that is a concerning thought

Nini yelling at that couple is uhh,,, oof

Nini trying to get Courtney to stand up for herself is great but I super respect Courtney for knowing which battles to pick (even if this is one she should probably pick)

Courtney trying to feed Nini so that she feels better, low blood sugar will get you. *cue snickers commercial*

Ashlyn is such an awkward lovely bean. She has a soft spot for her cousin, she knows how he feels, and she just wants everything to work out. I will say it seems kind of out of character for Ashlyn to want Nini to apologize to EJ

I will never understand teenage boys refusing to share beds, Big Red’s is plenty large enough for two people

Big Red is trying to be a good friend but he doesn’t know how to make Ricky feel better so he’s trying to give him distractions. A+ for trying.

“I guess I’m just not good at rolling with stuff when everything feels different,” oof it’s okay no one’s really good at that

EJ sitting outside of Nini’s house is… interesting

Nini blocked EJ’s number - I think she’s actually kind of scared of him

“It’s okay to be sad,” good lesson, you’ve got to grieve before you can move on.

Courtney is such a good friend

Okay, CPAP machines aren’t actually that loud. Like, Ricky has his earbuds, he would be able to drown out the noise.

Also did he tell Big Red he was leaving? Like text him at least?

All I Want, another banger. Absolutely love this song.

Nini’s mom looks guilty for letting Ricky in, but she understands that Ricky’s going through a lot

“Sweetie, I’m guessing not as bad as his,” yes mom! Check that attitude. Yes, Nini is having a bad day, and it’s fair to want to be a little selfish. But there are times when other people’s needs outweigh your own. Her mom’s not asking Nini to talk to Ricky or do anything with him, she’s just asking Nini to be okay with Ricky sleeping on their couch. That’s NOT too much to ask.

Once again Ricky is being incredibly respectful of Nini’s wishes

“I’m really scared,” oof that whole scene actually made me cry. Joshua’s acting is fantastic in this. You can see the anxiety rising in Ricky.

They are both taking so much comfort out of the hug

That kiss was a bad idea but Ricky is just looking for something that feels normal. He regretted going for the kiss almost immediately and then he left so that Nini wouldn’t feel uncomfortable

Also Nini was giving kiss signals too

I do wish that Ricky and Nini had pulled away at the same time, kind of a both of them going “this is not what we need right now” thing

Gina once again faking it til she makes it. She has no plan, that’s why she’s telling EJ not to ask questions.

Nini wanting to be enough for herself but not feeling it is a mood and a half

“H-hey mom? H-how long are you staying?” *tears in his eyes* the absolute raw emotion and wariness, fantastic acting.

Also cutting out on the line “It’s hard to believe, that I couldn’t see, that you were always there beside me,” from the RIGHT version of the song, also very powerful. And a look into how Ricky’s been feeling looking back at when he called a break with Nini

[yes-justice-seeking]

Message from Doctors on the Front Line of #nCov2019 in Wuhan

Words from front-line doctors/ 一线的医生的话:

Source: https://twitter.com/Chow49067901/status/1229774916347744257

1. patient’s feeling before his death/ 病人去世前的感受 : Patients felt difficult to breath until the last minute and they were sober. They called for help, crying "Doctor, please save me ..." They struggled desperately until the last breath. The cause of death is basically similar to drowning. Oxygen cannot get into lungs because the lungs are full of water. The difference in the #nCov2019 cases is instead of water, the lungs are full of jelly-like secretion caused by the virus. The lungs lost the ventilation function completely. no matter how concentrated oxygen is, it can’t enter into the blood. As for sputum aspiration, the pipe can not reach the end through a bronchoscope. No specific remedy so far for nCov2019. 

1.病人去世前的感受：

一直呼吸困难，直到最后几分钟，病人全程清醒。病人会呼救，会哭着喊着说医生你救救我......伴随着剧烈的挣扎，直到呼出最后一口气。 死因，本质上和淹死一个道理。大量的水，进到了se肺里面之后，氧进不去。 肺，被病毒导致的果冻状的分泌物给占满了，换气功能完全丧失，再浓的氧也进不到血里面。 而吸痰，靠气管镜到达不了那个终末端的地方。没有特效药。

  2. We usually start the treatment by having the patient breathe 100% oxygen without intubation. Within 3 to 5 days, if his blood oxygen saturation backs to normal, he survives the respiratory failure; 

2.开始，把纯氧输送给病人，不经口插管。维持大概三五天之后，如果他的血氧饱和度能上升到正常范围，他也就挺过了呼吸衰竭这一关。 

3. if not, we will give him Continuous positive airway pressure(CPAP) therapy, or insert a tracheostomy tube connected to a respirator. CPAP may cause patient muscle fatigue.

3.挺不过，就要上无创呼吸机，或者切开器官，插管接有创呼吸机。无创呼吸机，最后病人易产生呼吸肌疲劳。 

4. The treatment steps: 1) High flow oxygen therapy; 2) If it doesn’t work, change to Continuous positive airway pressure(CPAP) therapy; 3) If it doesn’t work, go with tracheal intubation treatment; 4) Last chance is ECMO which may be not available for many patients.

4. 治疗分四个步骤： 1） 高流氧治疗； 2）不行的话就上无创伤呼吸机； 3）如果无效，就要气管插管； 4）到最后有条件就上ECMO.

5. Why don’t we give tracheal intubation treatment to the patients in critical condition?

Each step has preconditions and rules to follow. From the facility requirement aspect, the tracheal intubation treatment needs a laminar flow ward with 1 doctor and 2 to 3 nurses medical care. Whereas our current situation is that we don’t have a laminar flow ward and it is impossible to meet the medical care requirement with the human resources. For example, in our first-class hospital at Grade 3, we have 1,000 beds, but only one bed can meet the requirement of tracheal intubation for novel corona virus patients.

5. 为什么不给危重病人气管插管？ 每一步都是有前置条件和相应标准的。从硬件配套看， 进行气管插管的前提条件是要有层流病房，插管之后医护比要达到1:2-3。 我们的现状是，没有层流病房, 也不可能按规范配置人力。我们1000多张病床的三甲医院，也只有一张床能够满足新型冠状病人气管插管的治疗。

6. What if we go without the necessary equipment? All doctors and nurses will be infected. During the sputum aspiration, the patient will be irritated and cough, spraying out aerosol contains virus. During intubation treatment, new corona virus contained aerosol will be constantly expelled during 24 hours a day, polluting the air in the room. As such, the high-risk operation is strictly prohibited in general wards. This is also the lesson we took from SARS.

6. 如果没有这些装置硬上呢？ 我们所有的医生、护士都会中枪。吸痰过程中病人受到刺激，一咳嗽气溶胶就直接喷出来了。插管之后，就是24小时不间断地喷新冠状病毒气溶胶，整个房间的空气都会被污染。所以，这种高风险、高暴露操作，在一般病房是绝对不允许的，这也是之前的非典留给我们血的教训。

7. Effect If patients get into hospital in critical condition, all medical treatments including CPAP and tracheal intubation treatment we have in hospital wouldn’t help a lot. Patients have only 10% chance to survive in case like that. Once a patient gets the tracheal intubation treatment, he wouldn’t have much hope because the tracheal intubation treatment is painful and it increases bacterial infection risk. The hospitals that are designated to take patients in critical condition have very low rescue success rates. Our principle is to try the best with high flow oxygen treatment and avoid intubation treatment as much as possible.

7. 效果 重症之后再住院抢救，医院的治疗呼吸机已经没有大的帮助。无论是上无创和上有创呼吸机（插管），对这种病最后的逆转都没有太大的帮助，能救活的只有10%。 只要上了气管插管（有创呼吸机），就不乐观了。因为气管插管一方面会增加病人的痛苦，（同时也）导致呼吸细菌感染。几家专门收重症的定点医院，抢救成功率很低。目前，能高流氧就高流氧，能不插管就不插管。

8. ECMO is an artificial heart-lung machine, that being said, the patient's lungs are done and we replace it with an artificial lung. The lungs are out of work and ECMO can only keep the patient alive day by day. 【comments: not always: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrhkoFcOMII&feature=emb_title】

8. ECMO是人工心肺机，就是病人的肺坏了，我就搞一个人工肺来代替，肺已经完蛋了，通过ECMO，只是一天一天地撑下去。

9. If the lungs are white out, the novel crono virus may develop to pulmonary fibrosis which is not reversible unless a lung transplant is performed.

9. 肺白了，之后就容易纤维化。纤维化不能逆转，除非肺移植。

10. How serious the novel corona virus is? First, it is highly contagious; Second, it may develop to critical quickly.

10. 新型冠状肺炎的厉害 一是高传染性； 二是容易成为重症。

11. Protect yourself

1) Avoid crowded public place such as supermarket; 2) Eat as much as you can. It is important to keep yourself well nourished in order to improve your immune system; 3) Drink water, swig electrolyte replenishers and drink soup. 4) Note: The daily intake of vitamin C or vitamin E for therapy is different from that for supplement. Therapeutic dose of vitamin C is up to 3,000 mg per day and that of vitamin E is up to 1,000 iu; The fact that the government sent tens of thousands of medical workers to Wuhan shows how challenging the disease is. All treatments we have now are placebos.

11. 预防事项

1） 不要去超市挤长队，不要去楼下抢白菜; 2）能吃多吃，营养支持很重要，提升免疫力； 3）大量饮水，补充电解质，喝汤。 4）注意：维生素C 和维生素E的治疗剂量和保健剂量不同。 治疗剂量：维生素C最多用到3000毫克每日；维生素E最多用到1000国际单位； 国家派了几万医护人员去武汉，说明这个病不好治。现在所有的治疗，就是安慰性治疗。

[georgesmith00x2]

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[karen-carlisle-off-the-artboard]

Foiled Again! An apology, and an explanation.

https://karenjcarlisle.com/2021/08/18/foiled-again-an-apology-and-an-explanation/

I haven’t posted much here over the past months. But I’m back… for a quick post before disappearing down a rabbit hole again.

The past year (plus) has been a rough ride; first Covid-19 hit, with lockdowns, restrictions, and anxiety. Lots of anxiety.  You know. You were there too. It’s been hard on all of us. For many creatives, it’s been hard to concentrate. To be honest, 2020 was a complete write off (pardon the pun)  for me, and my book.

As 2020 progressed, my health crumbled – first with my existing chronic pain, then recurring breathing issues, and utter exhaustion. I put on a lot (and I mean A LOT) of weight (partly due to health issues, partly due to stress and comfort eating). My breathing issues got worse  –  culminating in the need for assistance at night (via a CPAP machine.)

The new year approached. The pain got worse. I ended up in hospital with yet another scare (most likely a panic attack… but…) Something had to give.

I’ve been working hard since then. I’m eating healthier. Getting some exercise. I’ve lost 25 kg. My breathing has improved (at least during the day).  I rescheduled the tentative publication date for my current WIP novel, A Fey Tale, and  hunkered down to finish it. A mammoth task. The first draft ballooned out to almost 100,000 words (book 1 was 65,000), so I have to cut at least 20,000 words. I kept going, and finally it seemed I was winning. Even then, this book will be longer than book one. I’ll have to rethink the RRP – more pages, means increased print and post cost. Those who’ve already pre-ordered got a good deal.

But, when was it ever that easy?

Just over a month ago, it all started to fall apart. Again. First, bad news about a family member. (Cancer sucks!) Emotional hell. My iron levels fell. More exhaustion. Drop in concentration. The writing slowed to a trickle.  Next, pains in my chest (how does one tell what’s ‘usual’ with floating chronic pain, stabbing and muscle cramps), and a weird thrumming pain in my chest muscles. Trip number 2 to the hospital, a doctor’s referral, and I’m at the cardiologist.

And now I’m off for more tests and a 24-hour heart monitor. Something about atrial fibrillation… Needs checking. Is my anaemia contributing? Is the breathing machine adding to the issue? Cue even more anxiety. LOTS of anxiety. All the tea and chocolate in the world won’t help this one.

So that’s where I’m at now. I have appointments every day this week. More next week. Second Covid vaccination on Saturday. A necessity if the diagnosis holds true.  (Some background on Covid and atrial fibrillation) (Feckin’ Covid. Please wear a mask!)

And why am I posting all this? Because you all deserve an explanation. I feel I’ve let my readers down. I’m struggling to work through rewrites of A Fey Tale. I am getting there. Slowly. Very slowly. I’d hoped to have paperbacks ready for September’s Adelaide Steampunk Festival but, in reality (and especially if the test results aren’t good), it doesn’t look likely at this point. I’ve posted updates to my Patreon supporters, and those who pre-ordered the book. I’ll try, but there’s only so many (non-exhausted) hours in the day.

So there it is. My life at the moment. I can’t apologise enough. I hope you’ll forgive me.

lang: 'en-GB'

[latchingontoallofyou]

Valenna - Journey Part 4

Part 4

The rest of the day at the hospital with Nyla was a bit tough. They thought she was ready to come off the CPAP so they took it off but quickly had to put it back on when her numbers were plummeting too quickly. This also caused her blood pressure to drop, requiring a shot of insulin. They would have preferred to hear their tiny baby scream from the shot instead of the eerie silence. She scrunched up in pain but she didn’t make a peep. They did enough crying to more than cover for Nyla’s lack of tears.

All Jenna had wanted to do after that was to hold her little girl and never let go but they want to make sure her numbers would stay on target so they didn’t let Jenna hold her. At that point, she was ready to go. If they weren’t going to let her hold her daughter, she wanted to get out of there so she could cry to her heart’s desire and not have to see the nurses’ apologetic faces watching her.

She practically had to pull Val out of the hospital again. He kept saying that she got to see Nyla much longer today than he did and he wasn’t ready to go. He kept reminding her that they have two cars so he could meet her at home later. She wasn’t having it though. She knew she needed him for her strength and if he was here, she would not do well.

Jenna almost had to call Larissa. He was being stubborn. He has every right to be but she was not appreciating it today. She needs him to pick up on how she’s feeling. She knows he’s got a lot of emotions right now too but she selfishly needs him to help her through hers.

When they both arrive to their house, there is a cooler sitting on their front steps. Jenna is the first out of the car and goes to check it out. Val is right behind her. There is a note sticking out of the lid. Jenna pulls it out, unfolding it and holding it so both she and Val can read it.

Jenna and Val,

We figured today was a tough day. Hope your sweet little one is doing well. We made you some dinner. It’s some of our favorite soup, some rolls, and brownies and cookies for dessert. It always helps us to relax after a long day if we have something warm to eat.

Let us know if you need anything. – Lindsay and Sam

“I forgot about dinner” Jenna admits after reading it.

“Me too” Val says picking up the cooler and bringing it inside.

“Do you want to eat now?”

“If I don’t, I’m going to melt to the floor in a crying, blubbering mess again so I think we should” Val admits, not caring about how weak that makes him sound. He is weak right now.

“Me too” Jenna says softly. “I’m sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry about Jen? You did nothing…”

“I made you leave with me. You are right. You had less time with her today but I… I need you. I couldn’t have come home without you and if I stayed any longer, not getting to hold her, I was going to break into a million pieces again and I didn’t want to see the nurse’s apologetic faces while I cry.”

“Oh baby. I’m sorry so. I couldn’t tell you were…”

“We’ve both got so many emotions and feelings that it’s really hard to pick up on each other’s right now. We need to keep reminding ourselves that.”

“You’re right. Come on. Let’s eat this soup while it’s still warm. It looks delicious.”

“We should send a thank you to Linds” Jenna says.

Val slides his chair closer to Jenna and takes a selfie of them with their bowls of soup in the picture as well. He sends Lindsay and Sam the picture, thanking them and saying it was just what they needed.

Val then turns on their favorite playlist as some soft background music while they eat. Jenna gulfs down her food and then heads off to pump. She’s not sure how but she holds back her tears as she pumps in the baby-less nursery.

When she is done, she heads back downstairs so she can put the bottle in the fridge to take with her tomorrow. When she enters the kitchen, she finds Val still sitting at the table but his head is down, resting on his crossed arms and his shoulders are shaking. Jenna’s heart breaks. She quietly puts the bottle in the fridge before she goes over and wraps her arms around Val and rest on his back.

“Oh, I… I just broke” he says trying to stop his tears but didn’t succeed.

“I know. It’s ok. We can be broken together” Jenna says as her own tears start up again.

~

They had another night with no emergency phone calls. Jenna and Val didn’t feel as much of a rush to get out of the house that morning. They took time to actually sit and eat a nice breakfast. Val packed his dance bag but isn’t sure he’ll actually go today. They both took showers and dressed in clothes other than t-shirts and shorts.

“Jen, I don’t think I’m going to go to the studio today.”

“Why?”

“Because I think I just need a day to be with you and Nyla.”

“But tomorrow is dress rehearsal.”

“Exactly. I’ll have to be there most of the day. I won’t get to have the time I want to have with either of you tomorrow or Monday so I need to soak it up today.”

“Ok, I guess that’s fair.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next two days.”

“I’ll send you lots of pictures and FaceTime as often as I can.”

“I won’t be the same.”

“I know but it will have to do.”

“Can’t I just stay home after this week?”

“Val, we talked about this.”

“But I… I know we did but… did you see how everyone is already bashing me for not being with you and Nyla. How I’m a bad Dad for working instead of being there? How she’s going to be traumatized because I wasn’t there when she needed me most? How people always knew I would ‘run’ when things got tough? I know I’m not supposed to care what others think but sometimes I feel the same way.”

“I’m so sorry Val. I sorry for making you do something you don’t have your heart in.”

“But that’s the thing. I always have dance in my heart. I want to be there but my want to be with you and Nyla is stronger. What if I try just cutting back next week. Maybe only dancing once so that I don’t have to be at the studio for so long each day. There might even be days I don’t have to be there.”

“If that’s what you want.”

“I think it is. It might all change when she comes home if that’s during this season. I might just have to stop during that time.”

“Ok” Jenna nods.

“Are you ready to go over now?”

“Yes please” Jenna smiles.

Val texted those at the studios that needed to know he isn’t coming in today and they wished him, Jenna, and Nyla well. They head over to the hospital together.

When they get into the NICU after washing up, they huddle over Nyla’s incubator. She’s still hooked up to wires and tubes galore. Charlotte, having seen them come, makes her way over to them.

“Hi you two” she says.

“Hi Charlotte” Jenna says happily.

“Hi. How’s she doing?” Val asks.

“She’s such a tough little girl. We’ve had to give her a few insulin shots. She takes them like a champ. We’ve turned down her CPAP. I think we are getting close to taking her off it for good soon.”

“They tried yesterday” Val says.

“I know. I checked her chart as soon as I got here. I think she just needed another day. She looks better than she did yesterday. Her color looks great.”

“Really?” Jenna says looking up at Charlotte with big eyes.

“Yes.”

“How come she has this light today?”

“Oh, that is helping with her temperature. She was having trouble regulating it. We had been trying blankets and warming pad but they weren’t quite doing the trick like we thought they would. Sometimes we can trick a baby’s body into doing the work be providing a little help from the blankets. It doesn’t always do the trick though. The lights provide an all-around warmth. It helps train their body to do its own warming.”

“You just can’t catch a break there Nyla, can you?” Val says smiling down at his daughter.

“That’s how it seems with preemies. She really is doing very well.”

~

Later that day, Nyla was successfully take off the CPAP. She still has a nasal cannula in to help keep her oxygen levels up a bit but she is breathing well on her own. Jenna and Val were there for a few more shots of insulin that she needed. With the mask off her face, she cried each time, making her parents cry alongside her. They’ve decided that as soon as they get the ok, they want to get her on a Dexcom machine.

Jenna is cuddling with Nyla on the rocker, so happy to have less tubes around her. Val has been soaking up every moment of the day to try to help carry him over for the next two days. He had held her for a while earlier. He has been responding to texts from their friends asking how she is doing. Suddenly, after getting tired of texting back just about the same thing each time, Val gets an idea.

“Hey Jen?”

“Yea?”

“Do you think we could Facetime with someone at the studio and have everyone there so I don’t have to keep saying the same thing over and over to them?”

“That’s fine with me but we probably have to ask the nurses first.”

“Right. I mean you are holding her so if we don’t want to show her face yet, we don’t have to. This way we’ll be able get it all out there once and for all.”

“Perfect. Go ask.”

Val goes over to the nurses’ desk and asks if it’s ok. They give him the go ahead. When Val gets back to his girls, he pulls out his iPad but texts Alan on his phone. He tells Alan to gather everyone who are at the studio into one room and then Facetime him.

10 minutes later, Val gets the Facetime call from Alan. He quickly answers it, making sure it is facing him first.

“Hey Val. We’re missing you today.”

“Thank you. I’m where I need to be today. I’ll be with you all tomorrow and Monday but I needed a day with my girls before I spend the better part of two days away from them.”

“We get it. What’s going on?”

“Well I got tired of giving the same reply to everyone through text so we figured we’d facetime to let you all know we are alright. Nyla is doing well. She gave us a few scares yesterday but today has been a better day. She certainly has some struggles ahead of her but she’s strong.”

“You scared us when you just left” he hears a female voice say. The camera pans over to Lindsay.

“I’m sorry but I had to go. Something was happening and I need to get to Jen and Nyla.”

“How is Jenna?”

“You can ask her yourself. She’s right here.” Val flips the camera and Jenna smiles at the camera.

“Hi everyone” she says sweetly.

“Jen! How are you?”

“I’m good. Snuggling my sweet girl.”

“She looks so tiny” Witney says.

“She is” Jenna laughs. “Tiny but mighty. She was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and she’s taking it in stride.”

“Oh my goodness. What are they going to do?”

“It’s manageable but not curable. It’s something she’ll have for the rest of her life. We have some decisions to make as she gets closer to getting out of the hospital as to what kind of management tools we want to use.”

“Oh dear. Poor girl.”

“She’ll be able to handle it” Jenna says and then kisses Nyla’s little head.

“Can we visit her?” Alan asks.

“Not yet. Probably not until she is out of the hospital.”

“Ah man. I understand.”

“We just want to keep her safe and healthy” Val says.

“I understand man. I just want to see her.”

“Soon” Jenna says. “We were thinking when she doesn’t have any more tubes on her face so that you can see all of her cuteness. We can show you one little cute part of her. Come here Val” Jenna says and starts to reach under blankets around Nyla and gently lifts out Nyla’s tiny foot. “How sweet is this tiny foot? When she’s in her incubator, if I’m not staring at her face, I’m staring at her foot. I like to hold it too.”

“Oh, and they are so soft” Val smiles.

“Ok, I might sound stupid here but what’s an incubator?” Alan asks.

“This” Val says and turns the phone to show Nyla’s bed. “It keeps her warmer than an open bed would since she’s so little and still working on regulating her temperature on her own. This a big part of getting to go home.”

“Is she getting close to going home?”

“Not quite. She’s got weight to put on, breathing and feeding to do all on her own, and a few other details that need to be worked out.”

“Oh, bummer. Sorry guys.”

“It’s what will make her better so it’s ok. We just want her to be healthy.”

“Is there anything you two need?” Emma asks.

“Just lots of prayers for Nyla.”

“Will you two be home for dinner? Can we drop you off some dinner?”

“We usually are here until about 7:30, 8.”

“So, we’ll drop something off around then. Let me know when you two are on your way home.”

“Thanks, Em. Alright, we’ll let you go. I know you guys have so rehearsing to get back to. I’ll see you all tomorrow” Val says.

“I’ll talk to you all soon” Jenna calls out.

~

That night was a tough one. Val couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t get over that he’s not really going to get to see his girls for two days. He feels so guilty. He knows he has to work but he feels like it’s a bit too much. He feels guilty that Jenna has to carry the weight of sitting and watching and worry about Nyla on her shoulders.

Every time he’s about to fall asleep, he swears his phone goes off. He’d quickly reach over to check it and every time he would, there would be no message. He’s convinced he’s going crazy. Thankfully Jenna seems to be soundly asleep for the night.

Afraid sleep won’t come and he’ll end up waking up Jenna, Val carefully gets out of bed and heads down to the living room. He plops down on the couch. He stares into the darkness, unsure of what to do. He wants to call and check up on Nyla but he knows he shouldn’t. He thought about calling his parents but knows it’s in the middle of the night there so he decides not to. He calls Maks instead.

“Val? What’s wrong? Did something happen to Nyla? Is Jenna ok?”

“They are both fine. Jenna’s sleeping. We haven’t gotten any calls from the hospital so I��m guessing she’s doing fine.”

“Dude, you scared me. I thought something was wrong. Are you ok?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“I am not singing to you.”

“I wasn’t going to ask you to. I just… I didn’t want to wake Jenna. She needs the rest.”

“And I don’t?”

“Shut up. This isn’t about you. Not everything is.”

“Ok, not in a joking state of mind. Got it. What’s on your mind?”

“How am I going to do this?”

“Give me a little more information than that.”

“How am I going to handle all of this. How do I just leave Nyla for 2 days and really only see Jenna when we go to bed? You know we’ve been in bed and either already or half way asleep by 9pm since Nyla was born.”

“That’s part of being a parent. Your whole schedule is turned around. You want to soak up all the sleeping through the night you can now because when she comes home, you won’t have many of those for a while.”

“Yea, yea. I know that. I just feel so guilty. I mean, she’s barely a week old and I’m leaving her for two days.”

“Dude, you aren’t leaving her. You will still be here.”

“But not at the hospital.”

“Why not?”

“Cause of early call times and by the time I’m done, visiting hours are done.”

“So, go late one day.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not. You’ve done it before.”

“I overslept one time! No none’s ever going to let me live that down.”

“Bro, you know it’s more the fact that it was you and Jenna rolling in late together. You know, after you finally came to your senses. Everyone thought you two weren’t talking still and then, bam, you two show up late, together, and won’t talk about it.”

“And I’m still not going to so shut up.”

“Whatever. Just go see her tomorrow morning and show up late. Text Mandy. She’ll understand. She’ll probably yell at you more if you don’t go see her than if you show up late. She loves you and Jenna.”

“True.”

“And I bet all would totally be forgiven if you send her a picture of Nyla.”

“We aren’t ready to send out pictures yet.”

“We got pictures.”

“You are family Maks.”

“So is Mandy. She pretty much laid the smack down that brought you both to your senses, didn’t she?”

“Yea, I guess so. I’ll have to ask Jenna.”

“Don’t wake her up. Wait until tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“You tired yet?” Maks asks.

“I’ve been tired the whole time. I just can’t sleep.”

“So, you are going to keep me up instead?”

“No. I’ll let you go. Thanks for talking with me.”

“Any time Val. You know that.”

“Thanks.”

~

When Jenna wakes up the next morning, Val isn’t in bed. She figured he already left to go to the studio. She jumps into the shower, taking her time to let the water really relax her. She decides not to go with legging and a big t-shirt today but instead pulls out her favorite jeans and a nice blouse. She lets her hair dry naturally but puts on a bit of make-up. She feels the best she has since before she went into the hospital. Grabbing her phone and iPad, Jenna heads downstairs.

When she walks past the living room, she stops when she sees Val asleep on the couch. She looks at her phone and checks the time for the first time that morning. It’s 7:12. He should already be up and getting ready to go to the studio for camera blocking. She walks over to him and gently wakes him up.

“Babe, you need to get up. You are going to be late.”

“I know” he grunts.

“What?”

“I texted Mandy. I’m going after lunch time. They are doing dances that I’m not in this morning. She had figured I was going to be at the hospital and was upset that I didn’t have the same thought as her.”

Jenna smiles, let out a deep breath and kisses him. “She’s the best.”

“I think we should send her a picture of Nyla. I mean, she’s like our family anyway. She’s a big part of us getting back together and if that hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have Nyla and…”

“Val, stop rambling. I agree. Go get dressed so we can go get a new picture of Nyla and send it to her.”

“Right, got it. Give me like 10 minutes. I could use a shower.”

“You better be quick” she calls after him as he runs upstairs.

While she waits for him, Jenna makes some coffee for Val and makes herself a cup of tea. She toasts him a bagel and puts a little cream cheese on it just like he likes it. She makes herself one and grabs them both a banana to eat. Jenna settles in at the counter and waits for Val to come down, looking over her social media on her iPad while eating her breakfast. She was done half of her bagel when Val comes rushing down the stairs with a change of clothes in hand that he shoves into his dance bag.

Jenna smiles as he rushes into the kitchen and starts scanning the counter. She slides over the paper towel with his bagel and holds up is travel mug that has his coffee in it. He lets out a sigh, picking up his bagel and takes a bite.

“Ready?” he asks after swallowing.

“Take a breath Val. We’ve got time.”

“No. I want to spend as much of this morning as I can with her so let’s go now.”

“Alright. But you really do need to slow down. We have to drive separately and I need to know you are calm enough to drive safely.”

“I’m fine babe” he says.

“Val.”

“I’m fine. I promise. I’m just so excited.”

~

When Val pulls up to the studio after lunch, he takes a minute to get his head right. Leaving the hospital had been the hardest since he first left with Jenna, leaving Nyla behind. Thankfully Nyla’s morning had been relatively uneventful. Not much had changed from the day before. He had gotten a few new, great pictures of Nyla that he can’t wait to show to Mandy.

When he goes inside, he goes to find Mandy before anything else. Most people are still eating lunch so he has a good chance of being able to talk to Mandy alone. He heads into the ballroom and finds Mandy sitting at the judges table talking with one of the lighting guys.

“Val, you’re here” she says happily when she sees him walking towards her. The lighting guy is already walking away, making it so that Val and Mandy are the only ones around.

“I told you I’d be here.”

“I know. I’m just so excited to see you. How is she?”

“Which she?”

“Nyla, of course. Well Jenna too but…”

“You want to see a picture?” Val asks cutting her off saying.

“Yes! I thought you weren’t showing anyone pictures of her just yet.”

“Only family.”

“Val” she cries out and hugs him.

“You really are like family to us. We owe a lot to you and your smack down talk you gave us.”

“I was just doing what no one else wanted to do for fear of upsetting you both. I just couldn’t take it anymore. You know that. Now, really, you want to show me a picture?”

“Yes. Now she’s still got tubes and wires on her face so you can’t see all of her cuteness but…”

“I don’t care. Let me see” Mandy says excitedly.

Val holds out his phone and shows Mandy the newest set of pictures he took of Nyla today. Mandy is crying but smiling.

“She’s so precious.”

“She sure is. She’s got quite the journey ahead of her but…”

“She’s strong like her parents. I can tell already. How are you doing?”

“I’m hanging in there. I wish she was home. Or at least I wish I could be there with her all the time. Neither one is possible right now so I’m making the most of every second I am with her.”

“She’ll be home soon enough.”

“I can’t wait. Now, what dance are we doing first?” Val asks as he puts his phone in his pocket when he hears people coming back into the ballroom.

~

As Val sits in the hair and make-up studio, he’s really missing his girls. It’s the times when he’s sitting still that he really struggles with it. Everyone else seems to be happy and talking with each other but Val is sitting silently in his chair. Lindsay, having just finished getting her hair and make-up done, comes over to Val and whispers in his ear.

“Facetime them. Don’t just sit here being  miserable.”

“I can’t. Too many people.”

“You know she won’t show her face.”

“But I want to see her face.”

“I know but you might have to compromise for right now. I can only imagine you’ll be here for a bit longer. You don’t have much that needs to be done up like us girls. So just do it and take what you can get now. When you are done, then you can go into your trailer by yourself and…”

“You are right. Thanks, Linds.”

“Can I say hi to her?”

“Of course!”

Val pulls out his phone and sends a text asking to Facetime to Jenna, purposefully saying that he is in hair and makeup so she knows not to show Nyla. Jenna quickly Facetimes him.

“Hi honey” she smiles.

“Hi babe. Lindsay is here with me.”

“Hi!” Lindsay squeals.

“Hi Linds! How are you? I miss you.”

“I miss you too. Your husband here was moping in his chair so I convinced him it was ok to Facetime you now.”

“Good! He’s such a baby sometimes.”

“Hey, I’m right here” Val whines. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s sleeping. Her blood sugar has been all over the place this morning. They have her on a drip right now. She’s doing much better.”

“We need that machine” Val says.

“You know she can’t have one yet. She’s too little and they wouldn’t give her one until she is out of the hospital anyway. She doesn’t need one there. That’s what the monitors are for.”

“I know but… it still scares me I guess.”

“I know it does. Me too. Oh, her feedings were a bit better today. She took a half ounce more than yesterday.”

“A whole half ounce?”

“Babe, you know that’s a lot for her size and age.”

“It’s so hard to celebrate such a small number.”

“Well suck it up because it’s still an improvement and we’ll take every one we can, no matter how small they are.”

“Listen to your wife Val, she’s smart” Lindsay says with a smile.

“I don’t think I like this, you two teaming up against me.”

“It’s happened before” Jenna laughs.

“I know. I still don’t like it.”

“Get over it” both Jenna and Lindsay say in unison, making each other burst out in laughter. Jenna can’t seem to get herself together, making Val smile.

“She hasn’t laughed like this in so long. Thank you” he says to Lindsay.

“You’re all set” Val’s hair and makeup lady says.

“Thank you. Jenna, I’m all done in here. I’m heading back to the trailer so don’t hang up. Linds, come with. I want to introduce you to someone. Is that ok Jen?”

“Yes!”

“Are you serious?” Lindsay asks excitedly.

“Definitely.”

“Oh my goodness. Thank you!”

~

When Val finally gets home after the show on Monday night, he’s exhausted. It had been a long two days full of dancing and worrying. Sunday Nyla had had a great day. Today on the other hand, had been an up and down day.

She needed the most insulin shots today. Her oxygen had to be increased. Her feedings were a struggle after the initial feeding. She couldn’t handle the half ounce increase throughout the day. Jenna barely got to hold her. Val wanted to ditch the show and go to the hospital to be with his girls but Jenna wouldn’t let him. She kept saying that him being there wouldn’t make much a difference. He tried to say they would support each other being there together but Jenna insisted she was fine because Crystal is sitting with her and Charlotte is working.

Val was rather distracted throughout the whole day. Whenever he wasn’t dancing, he had his phone in his hand and was texting with Jenna. If they weren’t texting, they were FaceTime-ing. He danced fine. Dance always pulled his attention for the brief time he’s dancing.

He finds Jenna cuddled up on the couch. The TV is on. Her dinner is sitting on the coffee table. He can tell she picked at it and didn’t really eat it. She’s sound asleep on the couch. He kisses her head and starts to clean up a bit. He takes her plate and wraps it up and puts it in the fridge in case she wakes up and wants to eat. He then goes and takes a quick shower and change out of his clothes.

When he was done, he went back to the living room and see that Jenna hasn’t moved. He picks up her feet and sits down. He lays her feet in his lap, getting comfortable while changing the channel. He settles on a movie he’s seen a million times, knowing it won’t be long before he falls asleep too.

Or so he thought. Now that he is home, his mind is going a thousand miles a minute. He’s mind is going wild over how the nursery still need to be finished being put together. Everything is in the room but not set up. They have barely even gone in there since Nyla was born because it’s a bit too painful. He’s also worried about how the next few weeks of working are going to go. Mandy had pretty much told him to not come in at all tomorrow and that she’ll let him know what dances he might be in this week if any.

Jenna stirs a bit. He massages her feet, thinking it would keep her asleep. He thought it did but all of a sudden he hears Jenna say “You spoil me. I should be doing this for you.”

“Hi baby.”

“Hi. How are you feeling? Tired?”

“Exhausted.”

“Go up to bed then honey. I’ll be fine.”

“I tried to fall asleep but I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“My mind is spinning.”

“I know what always helps with that” Jenna smiles.

“You know I’d love that but I really don’t have any energy left.”

“Val, I didn’t mean that.”

“Oh. Then what did you mean?”

“A nice bath for the two of us.”

“Oh, yea, I could go for that.”

“Good. I’ll go start the water.”

“What do you want me to bring?”

“Some snacks.”

“Do you want the rest of your dinner?”

“Nah, it seems like a snacks and junk food night. Oh, maybe we order a pizza. I could go for pizza. I’ve been craving it all day.”

“Pizza it is” he smiles he grabs is phone out of his pocket while Jenna heads upstairs. She starts the water, adds their favorite scents to the water along with some bubbles. She loves bubble baths. She brings in the wireless speakers and puts on their favorite playlist.

Val comes up after he pizza has arrived. Jenna had already redone the bath water because the pizza had taken so long to come. He brought up the trays that lays perfectly across the tub. After the trays are set, and the pizza box is laying on top, Jenna climbs into one side of the tub and Val into the other. Their legs tangle together and they both grab for their first slice.

“Thank you, babe” she smiles.

“You know I’d do anything for you” he says.

“I know. Thank you. I think this is just what we needed after the day we both had.”

“It sure was a tough on wasn’t it” he says and reaches out to tuck some of her hair behind her ear.

“Yea. I mean, I know we’re going to have days like this because she was born so early but that doesn’t make it any easier. She’s so strong. She gets that from you.”

“Babe, you are stronger than you know.”

“I don’t feel strong.”

“You definitely are.”

“You know what I think we need to do Val?”

“What?”

“I think we need to have a night to ourselves.”

“Aren’t we doing that right now?”

“I mean like a good old fashion date night or maybe a friend’s night out.”

“That would be fun. We could use a…”

“Distraction” she finishes for him.

“I didn’t want to say it. It sounds so wrong.”

“I know. We do though. We need a night where we leave and don’t go home to wallow in worry. We need to live like normal. She wants that.”

“How do you know?” he asks.

“She told me. We’ve had a few conversations, you know? She’s quite the talker” Jenna laughs.

“She takes after her Mama.”

“Oh babe, that’s all you” Jenna smiles and leans over the pizza for a kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”