#girl thats a problem you imposed on yourself

[maxthesillyy]

and if you kick every gay person out of your target audience by purposely trying to make the LIS games not “the gay games” then WHO is going to be playing LIS, decknine?

[snixx]

good GOD can we stop gendering everything. I swear some of y'all just took the futch scale and decided to run with it as gender roles 2.0 (yassified edition)

[manie-sans-delire-x]

Read Fifth Wave Feminism by Mohammed Hijab. Everything is proven in there. A great book highlighting the issues with modern feminism, particularly the issue of the White, Western feminist imposing a system of ethics and a moral code upon non-white women globally. The author poses the question: if feminism does topple existing power structures, how can we guarantee that domination does not just repeat itself in the discourse of the would-be ‘new masters’? The main flaws highlighted include the ideological presuppositional prejudice of a post-Western Enlightenment nature and the fact that feminism tends to put a Euro-centrically understood ‘human rights’ discourse at an epistemological advantage.

No.

Why would I waste my time reading a book written by a man about how women shouldnt have rights? Would you read a book written by a woman about how men shouldnt have rights? How about you read some feminist books, or take at least one class on women's history and oppression? "Just read this book". My university professor always said- If you cant summarize what you learned and explain it to a novice in an easy-to-understand manner, you do not yet understand it yourself. Just because you were so easily duped and brainwashed doesnt mean I will be. So I'm guessing the book says a whole lot of nothing, just what misogynists want to hear, patting yourselves on the back, telling each other how smart you are.

Imagine coming up to a stranger and telling them you dont believe they should have rights, and not expect to be punched in the face at the very least. You can try to hide behind intellectualism and big words all you like but at the end of the day you are saying human beings shouldnt have rights and that will always be utter evil bullshit.

Go ahead, try that with a man. Go to "the hood" in Detroit and tell a group of black men that they doesnt deserve rights because of the way they were born. Have fun. But you wont. You'll only say that to women online because you're a coward. You need to oppress women to feel any sort of power.

Why are you coming onto my blog in a weak attempt to persuade me, a woman, that I shouldnt have rights? Do you really think I would ever agree? That is actually hilarious.

It might surprise you to learn I'm not fully white. It might surprise you to learn non-white feminists exist. I'm guessing theres a lot of things in life that would surprise you to learn. In fact theres a womans group- in India I believe- who beat husbands who abuse their wives with sticks. But sure, its all just white women "causing all the problems". Like this hasnt been going on for generations in every country. Your ignorance of that in itself immediately discredits you. You dont even know something so obvious? Even the slightest google research would educate you.

"Imposing a system of morals" Which are? Go on, say what those terrible "morals and ethics being imposed" upon them actually are. That women should have rights? That little girls shouldnt be raped? That men shouldnt rape and beat women? Oh no how terrible. What a corruption.

"Topple the power structure". All women are asking for is equal rights, and for men to not rape and kill us. Thats it. Its really not difficult. But misogynist scum like you constantly whine and cry about it like the over dramatic, extraordinarily selfish little bitches you are, as if thats some big expectation and not the lowest moral bar imaginable.

If that means the destruction of the power structure, good. Such a fragile structure that depends on oppressing half its population is weak and deserves to crumble, and such a vile society should die. And so you agree? That the current power structure is unfeminist and unfair and oppressive to women? Or else why would feminism threaten it, right? Every system in power falls eventually. Maybe its just your time, accept it. Even Rome fell. I'm looking forward to it.

"How can we guarantee that domination does not just repeat itself in the discourse of the would-be ‘new masters’?"

Who the fuck is "we"? Because you made it clear women arent included in your sense of humanity. So why is it now our problem to protect men? Who would the "new masters" be? Women? Good. The world would be a better place. We havent tried it yet so might as well give it a go. Cant be any worse than the shit world men created. Very telling that you cant imagine a world where the sexes are simply equal. You talk about "white ppl" then say the exact same things as a white supremacist- "The blacks are taking over!! (by having rights- so scary) What if they enslave us??" All oppressors are the same. Morally bankrupt, deeply selfish, and violent cowards who fear what they do to others being returned onto them. You punch someone for no reason, then instantly curl up and beg for mercy and cry in fear. Is there anything more pathetic and worthy of contempt?

So you're just afraid that the tables will be reversed. You know how badly men have treated women and you are terrified of righteous revenge. You dont want to be treated like women have been and still are. You just admitted that!! Lmfao!! And yet you still wont see your own hypocrisy. You refuse to be logical. Like I said, you and every other misogynist are just pathetic, weak cowards driven by emotion- fear and hate- instead of logic and compassion. You have no real power or strength, so you push women down in order to feel taller, feel like a big man. You're a bully. Thats all your bullshit rhetoric is.

It never crosses your mind that some people- or that women- arent pieces of shit like men have been. You already assume that women would treat men horribly, only because thats what YOU would do. I want you to read that part again, really let it sink in. Just because misogynistic men like to be pieces of shit and run the world this way, doesnt mean women do. This is not the only way the world can be. You are assuming that this hypothetical, evil matriarchal society would oppress and abuse men just as horribly as the patriarchy already has in reality. Made up problems vs already existent real problems. The terrible evil things you fear are already happening, just to humans you dont care about. You use this fear from a hypothetical reality as reason to continue to oppress women, instead of realizing its reason to stop, even out of self-preservation since I already know you dont act out of empathy. You are incapable of imagining a world where there is equality between sexes. Theres no hope for you then. Its always the person cheating who is suspicious of their partner, who accuses their faithful partner of cheating while they themselves are the one who is actually cheating. You should be down on your knees thanking the stars everyday that all women want are equal rights and non-violence, instead of righteous revenge.

But you know what, maybe you should be scared. People should attone for their crimes, dont you agree? You didnt think you were just going to get off scott-free did you? Personally, I'm not so kind and forgiving, and I do believe in an eye for an eye. I DO hope domination repeats itself so you have the slightest inkling of what oppression is like. Maybe then you'll have the slightest empathy for women's plight. At least you'd have something real to complain about. I feel sorry for your mother. What a waste of her time and energy you turned out to be. Disrespectful and ungrateful.

Now fuck off, scrotum. You foul my air with your presence. Pack up your bullshit and take it back to incel land. I dont know why you are speaking to a person who, if we ever met in a dark alleyway, would do the world a favor and gut you like a fish.

Human beings deserve equal rights. Its that simple. If you somehow have some kind of issue with that statement, you're illogical, hateful, and quite obviously the definition of evil like a cartoon villain, and thus should die like one.

[jungxk]

just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad​

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

x

4 years ago

x

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

x

x

x

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR 

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

x

x

x

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold. 

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

x

x

x

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

x

x

x

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

x

x

x

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces. 

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him. 

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed. 

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

[thesetrashimagines]

Do you mind?

A Haikyuu!! Imagine (reader insert)

Warnings: none

GIF is not mine

AN: So I’ve been rewatching a lot of animes recently and...the inspiration is killing me. I might write more of this idea if people like it BUT do not worry our reguarly scheduled (thats a fat lie) ‘The Man’ will continue, part 10 is currently in the works. I hope everybody enjoys this, thanks <3 :)

Being new sucked, a lot. Especially when you transfer in the middle of the school year. Everybody already had a few months to get to know each other and now here you were sticking out like a lonely thumb.

You walked down the semi-empty halls until you came to a cork board with papers covering it and the words ‘Karasuno School Clubs!’, bolded at the top. There were simple white ones, some blue, a few were yellow, and to your surprise there even was a red one. But the poster that caught your attention was, ‘Karasuno High School Volleyball Club’ You hummed quietly to yourself, ‘Maybe I should check it out.’

---------------------

You stared the gym doors infront of you, the sounds of thuds against the floor and sneakers squeeking escaped from inside. Taking a breath you climbed the stairs and slid the door open.

Boys.

The gym was filled with boys.

“Oh,” The group of boys all stopped and stared at you, “is this the volleyball club?” A boy with short brown hair came forward. “Yeah we’re the volleyball club, how can we help you?” You bowed slighty, “My names L/n Y/n and I’m here to join.” The boy in front of you looked shocked for a moment, “Uh, I’m Daichi Sawamura, captain of the boys’ volleyball team.” You straightened up and looked at him surprised, “Boys? There are separate teams?” His eyebrows furrowed for a second, “Yeah we have practice everyday and the girls have practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Did you read the club sheet?” Your ears grew hot, “I saw the poster and looked for a gym.” Your eyes went to behind him and you made eye contact with the rest of the team. “So no mixed teams...man that sucks.” You groaned a little.

“Mixed teams?” You jumped lightly and looked to the side where a dark haired boy stood next to a wide eyed ginger. “Oh, uh back at my old school there wasn’t enough kids to split into separate teams so the coaches just made one team.”

“That’s so cool!” You gave a small smile to the boy with orange hair. “Did you play against other teams?” You nodded, “There was only 4 girls on the team so we ended up playing against other boy teams a lot but there was a few times we versed girl teams.” His eyes somehow shined brighter, “Wow! That’s so cool!” A tall blonde boy with glasses scoffed, “You said that already Hinata. Try expanding on your vocabulary.” You bit back the laugh that climbed your throat as the ginger turned to the lanky boy and started yelling at him.

“Wait you were on a mixed team?” This time a boy with grey hair asked as he came up to stand next to his captain, “Yeah we were a pretty small school so the coaches took whoever was willing to play.” His mouth opened a little, “Oh that’s so cool.” You laughed a little, “I guess so.” You scratched the back of your neck, “Well this was embarrassing,” You sighed and looked at the volleyballs littering the floor, you wanted to play so bad. “But if you don’t embarrass yourself once then are you really new?” The two boys in front of you shared a laugh.

“That makes sense why you came to join now rather then at the beginning of school.” You laughed a little at Daichi’s words, “Yeah I was told go to the club board and I saw the words volleyball and I guess got excited since it’s been a few months since I’ve played.”

“Do you wanna practice with us?” Both you and the captain looked at the grey headed boy in surprise, “Wha- I, I mean I would like to but I don’t want to impose or get you in trouble with your coach.” Daichi opened his mouth to speak but the boy next to him waved you off, “Ah don’t worry coach Ukai won’t mind.” Your jaw dropped, “Coach Uk-” You closed your mouth and cleared your throat, “When he shows up I’ll leave,” You turned to the captain, “If that’s okay with you?”

“Let her join Daichi!” “Yeah Daichi let her play!” “Come on Daichi!”

The gym echoed as the team pestered their captian. He let out a chuckle, “You can come practice with us.” You smiled brightly and bowed, “Thank you!”

---------------------

Since you didn’t have your gym gear you had to borrow a pair of joggers and a spare shirt the boys had found in the club room. You walked back into the gym, “How do they fit?” You pulled the waistband up a little, “They fit alright. Good enough for now.” Daichi smiled, “Alright go warm up and we’ll start.”

Coming out of your stretches the ginger haired boy came up to you, “My names Shoyo Hinata and I’m a middle blocker.” You stood up, “A middle blocker? You must be good at jumping then.” His eyes widened a little, “Yeah! I can jump super high!” He jumped and landed back down. You stared at him in amazement, “Wow you can get super high! Higher then I thought!” The rest of the team watched the two of you.

“He’s gonna be on a high this whole practice.” Asahi looked at Suga and chuckled, “Yeah.”

The team decided to play a few rallies. You were buzzing, the ends of your fingertips tingled as you waited to get in the game. “Okay Y/n you can be on Kageyamas team.” You nodded and walked to his side of the court. On your team there was you, Kageyama, Hinata, and Tanaka. It was a game of 4 on 4. The other team consisted of Asahi, Tsukishima, Nishinoya, and Tadashi.

You and Tanaka took the back row, “Asahi’s serving first.” The ball was passed to him and he got ready to serve.

You took a deep breath and bent your knees. Judging by him being the biggest player on the team, muscle mass wise, you guessed he was the ace, meaning this serve was gonna be fast. Asahi tossed the ball up and began to run, you took a few steps backwards. With a loud slap the ball flew towards you, well more like the back line but you were in the way. If you moved to the side the ball would go out but you wanted to play it, the only problem was that the ball was coming at your chest, it was too high for a bump and too low for an overhand. It would be too low for an overhand if you didn’t jump.

You crouched lowed and jumped off the balls of your feet. Your hands came up to in front of your forehead where they aborsbed the impact and speed of the ball, you took control of the projectile and sent it up with a high arc to Kageyama. “Nice recieve!” You landed on your feet and smiled, “Thanks.”

He tossed it to Hinata who was already in the air ready for the spike and then in split second his hit the ball and smashed onto the court. You stared in shock, “Wow...” Tanaka laughed next you, “That’s our crazy quick attack, pretty cool huh?” You nodded your head figerously, “That was awesome! How’d you do that?” The two boys at the front turned to face you, “I just jump really high and Kageyama sends the ball like WHOOSH and I hit it like BAM.” You looked between the boys in awe, “Wow...Kageyama do you think you could toss me one like that?” The gym went quiet for a moment, “I don’t mean to sound rude but you can’t jump nearly as high as he can.” You deflated a little then gave a look, “You saw me jump once and automatically assumed that was my highest point?” With your hands on your hips you laughed, “You know what, underestimate me cause I’m gonna love the look on your face when I surprise you.”

You walked backwards and stood behind the back line, catching the ball when it was thrown to you. Taking a deep breath you read the court, Nishinoya was their libero so you couldn’t send it to him. Tsukishima naturally walked to front row in the beginning so he had to be a blocker or a setter. Tadashi seemed like he was out of place, not like he didn’t know what he was doing but you could tell that he wasn’t in his usual position and to be honest you didn’t want to aim for Asahi, wheres the fun in going for the ace?

You hit the ball of the ground and spun the ball in your hand four times before you tossed the ball up. You ran then jumped, hitting the ball at a very awkward angle. The ball spun slowly as it zipped threw the air, you watched Tsukishima and Asahi stumble as they tried to decided where the ball was gonna land and what kind of hit to make. But they weren’t fast enough, the ball passed the net and shot down directly at Tsukishimas feet, landing right in between his shoes.

“WAAAAAA WHAT KIND SERVE WAS THAT!?” Hinata and Nishinoya were freaking out. “I don’t know, a normal pin point serve?” Tanaka gaped at you, “That was a pin point serve!? But the way it moved was like a float serve but then the direction-” You broke your gaze with Tanaka and looked to Kageyama who still had the same expression as always, “Nice serve.” You smiled brightly, “Thank you but I still want a toss from you.” He didn’t say anything and turned back to the net.

The game went back and forth for a while before Daichi changed out players. Now you, Daichi, Sugawara, and Ennoshita were on a team. Kageyama, Tsukishima, Tanaka, and Hinata made up the other team. You may have asked to be put against the dynamic duo.

“Hey Sugawara,” You placed a hand on your cheek, covering your mouth, and whispered to the setter, “Could you toss me a ball, just one? please?” He laughed and copied your action, “Call me Suga and yeah I’ll toss you one.” You gave him a smile, “Thanks Suga.”

Tsukishima threw the ball up and hit it over the net. You heard Nishinoya call for the ball and then the ball arced its way up and over to Suga, “Right here!” You threw your hands behind yourself, crouched and took off straight up. You watched as the ball came over to you. You couldn’t go towards Tsukishima because that’s where Kageyama and Tanaka think you’ll go, you’ve been staring at it long enough to give them idea. The back right corner, right next to Hinata, was open but the target was really small. The way Hinata was facing you, his body covered up most of the court but that little sliver of white line gave you hope.

You had jumped with your right hand pulled back but with the decision to send it towards Hinata, you had to turn your palm slightly as you came to the peak of the toss before hitting it. The ball wasn’t as fast or as hard as you would’ve liked but that didn’t matter. Hinata tried to bump the ball but instead the ball went over him and bounced off the top of his head and out of bounds.

“Damn it, I could’ve hit that harder.” You whined, “Did you aim for that idiot?” You faced the net and met Kageyama’s steel eyes, “Yeah obivsouly.” His face scrunched, “Tch-” You giggled, “I know I’m not that impressive Kageyama so, you shouldn’t be so beat up that you couldn’t read me.” You beamed at him, “I even had Tsukishima thinking I was gonna aim for him.” The blonde in the back glared back at you, “That was nothing but pure luck.” You rose your eyebrows teasingly, “Was it?”

You had gotten back in your positions as Ennoshita got ready to serve. The ball made it over then was bumped up to Kageyama by Tsukishima, you watched as Hinata started to run forward but so did Tanaka. ‘A synchronized attack? These guys know their stuff.’ You smiled and took a step off the net then looked to Suga, he glanced at you in confusion for a spilt second but in that split second he could read the message you were sending. You looked to his side of court, taking the hint, he nodded and stepped to the side, leaving the middle wide open.

“What are you doing?!” You ignored Diachi and watched Kageyama set the ball to Tanaka, “Right!” You and Suga jumped up and blocked Tanakas ball. “Yeah!” You and Suga high fived in a celebration. “I didn’t think that would work!” You laughed, “I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t either. You guys are a really good team.” You rubbed the back of your neck.

“Those were some nice rallies.” Everybody spun towards the gym doors, there stood a man with bleached blonde hair and two girls were behind him. ‘Is that their coach?’ He smiled at you, “Where’d you learn to do all of that?” You told him what middle school you went to. “Oh I know your old coaches. We used to be on the same team!” He laughed and walked further into the gym, “I’m coach Ukai.” You introduced yourself, “I was only here to play for a bit, sorry for taking up practice time.” You bowed apologetically, “I’ll be leaving now. Thank you for letting me join in.” You gave the boys around you a kind smile, “It was nice meeting all of you.”

As you went over to your school bag the team huddled around their coach and whispers filled the gym. 

“She’s a really good player, please can she stay?”

“I want her to teach me that serve she did, it was awesome!”

“She tricked Kageyama!”, “Shut up!”

“Pleeeeeeeease coach?”

Ukai looked at the pleading eyes staring at him, “You’re not just asking me cause she’s a girl?” Tanaka stopped mid sentence and coughed, “No why would I? Besides my heart resides with Kiyo-” The rest of the team ignored him.

“She has skill and I want to prove her wrong.” Ukai met Kageyamas eyes and saw Tsukishima nod behind him, “As much as I don’t want to agree with him, she pulled a move I’ve never seen before and I want to stop it next time.”

Ukai nodded and turned to the door where you were about to leave, “Hey Y/n!” You stopped and looked over at the huddled group, “Do you mind staying for practice?”

Your eyes widened, ‘Do I mind? Wha-’ The girl blonde girl from earlier perked up, “Oh that’d be so cool to see you play. You’re really good!”

“Oh uhmm thanks, I’m not that good.” You waved your hand around, “You guys have been giving me way too much praise.” The other girl with glasses joined in, “I know this isn’t the girls practice but,” She looked over her shoulder to the group of boys who were standing there watching you. “They won’t stop unless you stay.” The stare the boys were giving you made a shiver run up your spine, “Yeah I can tell from that look.” You shook off the feeling, “You really don’t mind coach Ukai?”

He shook his head and smiled, “Come on it’ll be fun.”

Guess they didn’t mind after all.

And that’s that. There’s been so many ideas circling my brain that I needed to write something and who knows if people like it I might write a part 2 😗 Anyways thanks for reading, hoped you enjoyed it! <3

[random-senpai]

Senpai's MILF Otome Game Masterpost

Protagonist and key supporting roles

You, MILF Supreme: The main character of the Otome game. You are an 34 year old single mother of a beautiful 16 year old daughter. You are an absolutely stunning woman with an amazing rack, an ass that won't quit, never takes shit from anybody, and has a tendency to say "Ara ara~" when amused. Due to the hustle and bustle in your life you've taken to styling your gorgeous hair into an easy to maintain side plait. Long ago you fell in love with your childhood friend and became highschool sweethearts. The two of you became married when you got pregnant at 18. Thanks your support for each other the two of you were able to juggle college and raising a newborn daughter together successfully. You thought you would be happy together forever until you found him in bed with another woman at the age of 25. The two of you divorced shortly after and you won main custody of your daughter. 10 years later and now you are an successful businesswoman with only a few superiors at work. But due to the juggling of your career and raising your daughter with care you have little time for love. At least until it finds you instead.

Your Daughter: A beautiful 16 year old girl that takes after you in many ways. She may have her father's eyes but the rest of her is mostly you. She's an otome protagonist in her own story, but not in this one. She can be clumsy and stubborn, especially regarding her own emotions. But you can tell she loves you deeply and wants you to be happy, even if she's going through a rebellious phase in her life. She's taken to cooking, cleaning, and other housework in order to lighten your load when you aren't working. And despite your attempts to tell her otherwise you can tell she carries deep guilt for robbing you of your youth.

MILF BFF #1: A friend of your's since Middle School that's carried out to your whole life. She was there when you started going out with your ex husband and was the first shoulder to cry on when he cheated. She's happily married to a wonderful loving husband and you were the maid of honor at her wedding. She's recently retired from the workforce and is currently a housewife raising twins. She occassionally calls you for advice raising them which you happily give.

MILF BFF #2: A friend you met shortly after you began working after college. Together you raised each other up as you climbed your careers. She's a fellow single mother albeit from her husband dying in an Truck accident instead of a divorce like yourself. She's not looking for love at the moment. And although she's open to it, she says her focus is her son.

(When you are together with your BFFs, the three of you are a holy trinity of sheer MILF power. Many look at you three stunned by your energy and appearance but all of them are too intimidated to actually approach)

Routes

Your Boss: The Manager of your Company's entire branch in the city and one of the few superiors you have at work. He's tough on everyone and has the face to match his nickname of the "Demon Boss". But despite his general harshness he's very accommodating for family. He grew up in poverty in a single mother household and is very understanding to them to particular. Funny enough he lives very modestly despite the money he makes from his high position. He donates most of what he makes to charities and programs, particularly many that support struggling families and single mothers. Often volunteering on his days off to see the good of what his money goes to. Every month he changes the flowers at his mother's grave without fail. He's very adamant about not mixing his personal life and his professional one. A huge tsundere that blushes to a degree most would be surprised to see on a 45 year old man.

Your Daughter's PE teacher: A energetic man with the brightest smile you've ever seen, as well as a passion for sports and his students. Although he serves as the school's PE teacher and coaches various teams (including your daughter's volleyball team) he never pushes the students too hard. He was actually the ace in your college's Football (Soccer) team. Unfortunately he suffered an injury he never quite fully recovered from and never went pro. Long ago you had a chance meeting with him after he got injured and helped give him the strength to move on after losing his dreams. He wanted to ask you out back in college, but as you were married he simply thanked you and moved on.

Your Ex Husband's older brother and your former Brother in Law: A childhood friend that's always been there to support you. He has a scary face as well as a scar from when a cat you took in clawed him in your elementary days. He's been a great uncle to your daughter and helped you throughout your divorce to his brother. A former Yankee, he's never been the brightest in terms of booksmarts. One of your most consistent memories of middle/high school was patching him up after he got into fights. He failed his college exams and became a construction worker, gradually making his way to Crew Leader through hard work. When your Ex Husband cheated on you he beat him to the point where you had to pry him off. Now their relationship has been strained ever since. Despite his imposing presence he's a coward with his emotions. He's liked you since high school but never felt he was good enough for you, especially now that you're so successful and he's just a guy in construction. On the day he graduated he gave you all the buttons from his uniform.

The bar owner of your favorite place to drink: Charming and reassuring, it's incredibly easy to open up to him. He's been there for many a night of your drunk ramblings and even relates to many of your problems as a fellow single parent. Although he never gives details on what happened to his daughter's mom, he absolutely loves to brag about his daughter (who just so happens to be your daughter's best friend). Off the clock he's surprisingly sensual and is a bit of a dirty talker. His smirk in particular can get very seductive. He has an excellent singing voice and even though he insists he's too rusty, he's very talented playing the guitar. Long ago he was actually a musician that never managed to be successful. When he became a father, his own dad taught him the ins and outs of bartending and helped him raise his daughter. His bar was actually inherited from his father. The fact that he was entrusted with it is something he cherishes greatly.

The Young College Intern: A college student shadowing your company for an internship. Due to certain circumstances you've been put in charge of him. His naivety and energy remind you very much of yourself in your youth. He has a very obvious crush on you at first sight and is very bad at hiding it. Considering your age difference you just think it's cute and don't take it seriously at all. He's the eldest of 5 siblings and shows a more serious side when it come to them. Especially now that his parents are currently working abroad for awhile. Outside of interning for your company he also attends classes and works part time. Not wanting to worry anybody he often hides any signs he's tired with a smile on his face.

(Maybe Maybe not route) Your Ex Husband and your first love: A professional comedian, actor, and show host. Along with his older brother the three of you were close growing up. He always found a way to make you laugh and smile, thats why you fell in love with him. On your 2nd year of High School he confessed to you and you started going out. He's always been somewhat childish and immature but very quickly took up responsibility when you became pregnant at 18. The marriage was a shotgun wedding sure, but the two of you were happy. It was a struggle juggling raising a daughter and your subsequent educations and careers but together you made it work. Until you caught him in bed with another woman at 26. He broke your heart and the divorce was messy, numbing you to the possibility of experiencing romantic love for years. Post divorce he's changed his last name and became estranged from the rest of his family, especially his brother. He's been doing very well for himself however and broke out in popularity soon after your divorce. But even so he never lets his busy schedule get in the way of the days he has custody and he's been trying his best to be a good father to your daughter. He seems more mature now than when you were married and you can tell that he's changed. Whether it's for the better or the worse, you don't know. His route is the only one where your daughter doesn't support you and actively objects to it.

Other Supporting Roles

Your dad: Your father whose raised you alone after your mom died in a tragic accident when you were 13. He loves you deeply and spoils his grandaughter a little bit too much. He objected to it when you first married Ex Husband but has never said "I told you so" after the divorce.

Your Daughter's Best Friend and the Bar Owner's Daughter: A sweet girl whose more shy and introverted personality compliments your daughter's well. Beautiful but dresses very plainly. She has a wonderful singing voice and sometimes works part time at her father's bar as a server.

MILF BFF #1's Husband: He loves his wife and children dearly. He was always a little bit awkward even when they were just dating and you love to tease him about that. You can tell at times that he's self conscious about being a good enough provider and husband for his wife.

Boss's Little Sister: The owner of a flower shop in town. She often worries about her big brother and his prickly personality causing misunderstandings. But she understands him well and loves him greatly. The flowers he brings to their mother's grave are oftentimes ones she's grown herself and if she has time she comes with him. Married with 2 sons, she jokes with him about if he's ever going to find anybody.

Your Former In Laws: The parents of your Ex Husband and his older brother. Your late mother and them were very close friends. Even though you've divorced from their son they still proudly call you their daughter. In fact after your divorce they've all but disowned him. They still worry about their eldest and actively compete with your father over whose your daughter's favorite grandparents.

Pro Football (Soccer) player: Another alumni from your college and a member of the pro leagues. He played with the Coach back in the day and they still remain best friends. Although happy with his job and his life, he can't help but feel guilt over him living his best friend's dreams.

Intern's sister: The 2nd eldest of the family. She's a 3rd year on highschool and has taken over a majority of the housework in their mother's absence. She negs her brother over how childish he is, but is also the first to defend him against others. She worries greatly about how he overexerts himself.

[chocopvffz]

Natural Hair Portrayal In Media

So like I don’t wanna go off but this shit has to be said

I kinda wrote this on a whim cuz it was eating at me so if there are too many blatant mistakes please hit me up.

I’m SOOOO tired of seeing beautiful black women’s hair being manipulated to conform to beauty standards that don’t represent a large group of the demographic that’s portrayed.

I really started getting frustrated when watching 13 Reasons Why, and its not the only offender, but it really really really urked my nerves.

Ani was a new addition to the team, whether you like her or not is besides the point. Ani’s hair is what a lot of people deem as negro hair (i hate this term) just put in an almost perfect twist out. Which is cool. Twist outs are fun hair styles that most afro-centric hair can achieve. There is no harm in doing a twist out, Grace Saif looks beautiful wearing it. But Negro hair is essentially what people describe as being nappy, kinky, and thick, but its portrayed with a negative connotation. And these are typically the characteristics of 4C 4B and 4A hair types. And those are the most common afro hair types. Bringing my point back to Ani, Saif’s hair is beautiful, but it doesnt conform to the white imposed beauty standards of black hair. So for the entirety of season 3 of 13 reasons why, her hair was put in a perfectly coiled twist out that imitates the loose curls of a 3 hair type. 

There is nothing wrong with their hair, they are beautiful. The point I am trying to make though is that way too often women in media with type 4 hair are made to cover up their texture, or change it to fit into the box that america wants to be the definition of a beautiful black women. 

Ani isnt even that good of an example because her hair is definitely natural, and it is obviously a twist out but lets look at some better examples.

Disney is a gold mine of examples.

I dont know how old this picture is but it will still help my point.

Do I even need to go in depth. China McClain is a pretty popular disney star, shes African American. I have never seen her natural hair texture on tv, not even on black lightning. And her hair is not those loose curls, even in her newer posts with her natural hair its still a 4 type. There is nothing wrong with manipulating your hair, but when it actively ignores other beautiful types of hair that are less eurocentric it becomes a problem. 

I want to point out a pretty good representation of what that feels like. In GLOW, Netflix’s show about female wrestling. While everyone is talking about the LGBT representation (which is pretty good by the way) not enough people are talking about what happened to one of the black leads, Cherry. In the show, she got hired to be a star of her own show, but her nerves got in the way of her performance. And the crew’s solution to the problem is relaxing her hair. When that didn’t help, she got fired. And honestly while majority of the audience relates to the lgbt characters or whatever, seeing Cherry cry over how society wants her hair to look really hit me hard. I felt really uncomfortable, and i cried with her. Cuz as a black girl that shit hurts.

And this influx of natural pride is a beautiful thing. But when social media only promotes and recommends people with the same hair type, that is what is going to be big. And with the lack of representation, feelings of inferiority sprout. Many girls are not happy with their hair because society has them believe their hair isnt good enough. And this societal bias isnt even new. It stems all the way back to  slavery and the reconstruction era and onward when black people were forced to conform to white beauty standards to make a living. 

But there shouldve never been any infighting in the same community. WHAT MANY PEOPLE DEFINE AS GOOD HAIR IS WHAT WHITE AMERICA TELLS THEMSELVES BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD LOOK LIKE. the bouncy loose curls that just barely defy gravity. I have friends that actively tear apart their self esteem because the dont have long loose curls. The lack of representation causes girls to be under educated about their hair. They dont know what works for their hair and feel even worse when their hair doesnt look like what media portrays. And it hurts when no one compliments your hair, and all you gotta do is lift yourself up. Thats hard. So lift each other up. 

AND EVEN WHEN SOMEONE DOES HAVE HAIR LIKE THAT BLACK WOMEN ARE STILL ASKED IS THAT THEIRS, OR IF THEY ARE BIRACIAL? Because it is “good hair” that isnt associated with being “black” but is steadily becoming the norm.

Well i’ll tell you what good hair is.

GOOD HAIR IS HEALTHY HAIR, GOOD HAIR IS ALL HAIR, GOOD HAIR IS YOUR HAIR. 

BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOUR HAIR IS WONDERFUL NO MATTER WHAT THE TEXTURE.

I know it hurts to feel inadequate even among your own community but I want you to know that despite what media says we should look like, dont hide yourself. Embrace yourself and be you.

TL;DR : Black hair is beautiful and you should read the full post

[unproduciblesmackdown]

on FUCKING kissing. and other shit

i’m still just. as bowled over as i knew i’d be about getting to have the triumphant nice gay kiss of resolution. like, i dont think i’ve seen that in any movies ive watched. not that many of them like, have a gay mc in the first place. usually you maybe have a couple peripheral side cast gays w a lil subplot and they get to say “i love you” or something. idk. or for some reason whats up with dramas where like, the initial Gay Encounter w kissing is often also a sexual encounter which is fine but the point is its like “oh, wow drama” right. and then the bit where they maybe manage to actually come together is like, too solemn for kissing? its also fine to have other moments of physical intimacy besides kissing, thats fantastic tbh. and i can’t say “wow what a trend in Major Releases W Gay Love Stories At The Core” because there’s not enough fuckin data for any real trends. but anyways maybe the ol Finally They Kiss thing is more seen as a like, ~romance genre~ thing rather than serious movies. idk. anyways getting sidetracked

my point is i think thats the first movie Gay Kiss Of Resolution that i can remember seeing. and it gets me, man. it hits me hard. i’m like. electric. not just because its like “wow this is a new one for me” obvs but because i’m gay and i like things that are very gay and very sweet and cute and that was all of that. so much in that film was ferociously endearing. like, thank god for gay love getting to be charming and nice and lighthearted and even exuberant. yeah babye

and for the past couple months ive been thinking on twitter threads about ppl who were Gay Teens Coming Out years and years ago who went to see the film w a parent or other sort of relation and it prompted a discussion where the parent is like. when you came out, was it bad? was i very bad about it? and they said how the answer was well, kinda, yeah. and getting to have this whole talk about a decade or so after the fact, because the movie shows such earnest support, and the recognition of the failing of anything less than the fullest kind of support.

like honestly i liked a lot that like, the issue wasn’t that simon was particularly worried about rejection, or some terrible kind of abuse or violence like gay kids who had to keep it a secret because their parents might even have pulled shit like kicking out a gay kid, like implying they’d even kill them if they’re gay. and he wasn’t exactly worried about like, hate crimes or anything either. because its not like the Awful kind of homophobic reaction isnt a concern anymore, but it isnt to everyone, and it wasnt always to everyone. its not even accurate to say that noncishet people prior to like the late 20th century always were rejected, always were closeted, always were miserable. there’s all kinds of stories and it’s nice to hear all kinds of them. like, the Gay Tragedy was as we know the only way to get a gay story of any kind past the rigid catholic moral guide for Film back in the day, and not so shocking that thats the kind of gay story that tends to be most palatable to the heterosexuals. and they have, what, like atonement and shit or something? and yet also i’m not saying that tragic gay stories should be off limits, or dramas, or anything. just that of course movies are limited to Bury Your Gays, Kill The Trans Kid, Show The Tragedy Of Not Being Cishet Coz That’s What’s Gritty And Real And I’m Okay With Them If They Die. we deserve every genre and plot structure. it would improve all of them.

anyhow like i was sort of getting to. i really appreciate how simon like, isn’t ashamed of being gay, isn’t in denial about it, isn’t afraid of his parents or friends or community finding out, doesnt feel particularly endangered re the idea, but still feels like he can’t. i really liked the bit where he upsets his sister cuz he’s so fuckin stressed about having just been outed and his privacy invaded in front of his whole damn school but he’s like super conflicted about like, why would i be upset at being out, why would i be ashamed just because i didnt come out before, etc etc. and i liked that he felt his coming out to his parents went badly just b/c it was a bit awkward. because the small issues are just as big a deal, people wanna act like the defining part of being gay is a certain level of agony. and so you get ppl questioning if love, simon is “necessary,” like a gay protag has to be justified for the technical benefits it might afford, like if its not about suicide or self loathing or ostracization or violence or being disowned or etc etc, its not REALLY about being gay, and it can’t possibly help gay kids because its just unrealistic. because even if you have worse problems, seeing an overall happy gay love story where he gets the guy and has all the support of family and friends and community put out there will just be meaningless to you. and obviously its just as pointless to argue that this is the be all and end all of gay films, like we only needing ONE gay romcomdrom type film, we only need ONE gay y.a. movie, this is THE gay film for those categories now people, it’s over. like jesus we’re owed so many. give us the nondystopian y.a. movies back, and make em gay!!! GAY

anyways what is the point? i like that it was shown its difficult to come out even if you only expect “small” bad issues, because even having to have the smallest fear that the people in your life will think less of you, or love you less, or see you as any bit of a disappointment or flawed, is really fucked up and difficult. like i said, it was way too real when simon was just a bit uncomfortable when his dad made just a bit uncomfortable gay jokes. i like that he felt fucked up over being outed even though he wasn’t necessarily ashamed of being gay. and i mean i know part of it was that he was afraid that the other guy was gonna get scared off since that was being exposed too, but i liked that element also, because of the tension between the joy of getting to like...Be Gay with a guy you like and enjoy it, but also know that the whole thing is tenuous and uncertain and you’re both a bit afraid and the whole thing might crumble at any moment because it’s not easy to take “privately being gay” into it being everyones business and public knowledge. because even the little shit you have to deal with is a concern, and even in the most “it’s probably totally okay” situations, you don’t KNOW that its okay, because homophobia is still the default even amongst like. the libs who think they’re totally not homophobic.

and plus yknow the whole thinking you’ll be treated different thing. like coming out is going to HAVE to be some Big Deal and you’ll have to be imposing something on everyone who knows you when really you’re just being the fuck yourself. and the idea that suddenly everyone’s gonna be uncomfortable with you or think you’re someone else or just look at you different because they were cool with you when they thought you were straight. and anyways

also i seriously forget the dude’s real name but i love that it was the first guy simon thought might be blue. damn i know they said it like fifty times in that one scene lol...but anyways yknow i’m like “hmm walking in on him maybe messing around with a girl could just be Gay Crisis shit yknow” and it was and thats kinda fun lol. like, i’ve read some fics in my day!! that is not a nail in the coffin!!

anyways what i want to say is getting a sweet triumphant gay kiss scene is just. so fucking beautiful for the soul. i’m fuckin reveling in it. now that ive been writing about it for half an hour i should go ahead and try to get my rewatch in, right. yeah

[teddy-feathers]

You know. A person who believed in the friendzone told me that girls and guys cant be friends. That being a friend is something people say because they dont find you datable/fuckable.

And here what five, six years later, all I can hear is my friendship isnt good enough. Its a consultation prize. That build up to a relationship is bullshit and people should just know at the drop of the hat if they like another to get that emotionally invested or physically close.

And I am livid.

I didn't know aro or ace was a thing. All I ever knew was that if you like me thats your own damn problem keep it to.yourself dont impose your feelings on me. Dont make my friendship with you awkward or gross or something to regret.

And then as I got older well. People liked me. So like. Dating is a thing. I didn't realize I was just desperate for friends. For someone who cared and that I could care about.

So I said yes sometimes.

I was nervous. Uncomfortable. Ignored the dating side of it until I was reminded by kisses I wasn't ready for, a possessive arm around my waist that... Wasn't reasuring. I focused on the fact I felt like an accessory not the gesture that was meant as I like you and want you close and I hated it.

I felt bad people liked me. That I said yes. That I lost friends because I didn't say no like I used to and make them realize that all I wanted. I wanted people happy but... I never was except when it was just things I'd do with anyone.

Seeing the symphony orchestra. Bowling. Talking for hours over something or nothing as we bummed around walmart. Going to the movies. To dinner. To museums. Shopping. Cooking. Cuddling. Hugs.

It all... Looks very domestic. Everyone thinks... But its just. Things I wanted to do with a friend. They felt it meant something and... I never did. Guess in those cases I was leading them on, though it took me several years to realize I my feelings about the other person wouldn't... Change. Grow. Mean anything more than that.

But if thats all youre wanting thats friendship.

If you want something more well... I tried that too. I did. I shouldn't have. I didn't actually want to - no more than ones curious about a horrible rollercoaster of death. But the thing is with a ride you move on. This... You DO but it lingers. I still have days where I wish I hadn't done that to myself.

That I hadnt talked myself into giving people a chance. To trying things and trying to make people happy to make myself feel the way I could SEE they felt about me.

I didnt. I prob never will. Which doesnt bother me.

What does though is...

Both I and EVERY person that has ever started off a friend/ person I want to be friends with and developed them liking me is... I stoped prioritizing myself. I didn't want to be a bitch. Or loose a friend. Or they liked me so I felt I owed them a chance.

NO ONE is entitled to your time, emotions, or even to be around you if them liking you is more important to them then your friendship.

And youre not a horrible cold or hateful person for saying no. Or keep it to yourself I dont want to hear it. Or dating someone else when you know they like you. Or any of the hundered things that theyll try and tell you.

My friends mean more than anything to me. And to say that it is valuless. That it is worth less to you then my dating you, means you DONT care about ME you care about possessing me. About having a bigger chunk then anyone else.

You want my world to REVOLVE around you.

Thats what I feel like, what I've always felt like when it comes to relationships and dating.

Some of that is prob just me... But you cant tell me that not wanting to be my friend but desperately wanting something "more" from me isnt fucked up. Isnt saying that my feelings matter less then yours.

[preeshera]

Thanks for sharing your story - what happened to you sucks and I'm sorry you had to go through it. I hope you got help/support, and that you are in a safe situation now.

It's great that fandom can help you get out of a bad spot, great if you can use art or writing to make yourself better and get rid of all the bad stuff that had happened to you.

What is less great is when you try and use your abuse as an argument point.

Your story is your own, it is not attached to any ship or movie canon - Reylo or Jonsa or any other ship may be your crutch, your headcanon and dedication to the fandom may have helped your healing, and thats fab, friend! That's grand, go you. But it doesn't give you the universal right to dictate what is and isn't abuse for other people. I'm happy for you to have gotten out of what sounds like horrible situation and a pretty screwed up relationship, but it doesn't give you a universal right to dictate what is and isn't healthy for a relationship.

When I say I dislike Reylo, I'm not saying I don't believe your story. I'm not saying anything about you, because I don't know you, I've never met you, I haven't walked in your shoes. What do I know about you, nothing.

When I say I dislike Reylo, what I'm saying is, I don't like that a fictional character Kylo Ren and other fictional character Rey are put together in a romantic context. What I say is, that from what I saw and understood from the canon, I think Kylo, a tall, big, imposing looking Caucasian man, who is powerful, in position of power, who is cruel, volatile and violent, I don't think he should be a character we romanticize.

If you like Reylo, if it helped you, if you headcanon them in some healthier, happier way, great for you. I'm happy you found something that helps.

All I'm saying is that the way I see things is that Kylo kidnapped and hurt Rey, intimidated her while she was helpless and generally was a typical villain (tm). He has complicated backstory, I hear you, he is troubled, he went through shit. Fact stays he's a violent mass murderer, and on multiple occasions shown to be highly unstable, which gives pretty good indication he's in no fit state for a relationship, much less a healthy one. He needs therapy, help, and would, in our society, probably end up in a prison/institution. That's what I think.

I think he's definitely not something we should be romanticizing.

I believe love doesn't magically cure all your problems and issues.

I think it's not your lover's duty/responsibility/purpose to heal you or fix you or give you redemption.

I think that, as much as media loves feeding us this trope, love doesn't solve all your problems. And while fulfilling, loving relationship can do wonders, it doesn't magically cure mental health problems, it doesn't resolve deep personal issues, it doesn't fix past mistakes or absolve of sins.

And I'm sick of girls, of people, being told it's their job to fix their partners, to forgive their abusers, to give up their own health and happiness to fix some other broken person.

BUT that is my opinion.

If you feel different about this, that's great, you do you. And you won't see me yelling insults at you. But I firmly believe that there are certain things that shouldn't be romanticized, that there are ships that portray unhealthy things, and I will keep saying that. I will keep explaining why and talking about what healthy relationships are and what they aren't, because that's what I believe in. And that's what I have a right to.

I'm not saying your abuse isn't valid, so please don't try and take away my right to opinion.

What is the point of all this arguing between ships? Reylo or not, Jonerys or Jonsa, Kylux or Stormpilot or Gendrya or Romanogers or Stucky or Stony or WHATEVER. 

IT. DOES. NOT MATTER. 

Ship what you want, let others ship what they want, and lead your life in peace. 

Like chill.