#gifting it to a person who hasn’t even learned how to properly layer clothes and do blood effects?!!!

[tothepointofinsanity]

Someone gifted me permanent VIP in Roblox Dress to Impress and to simply say I’m flustered would be a major understatement.

[no-other-words]

Just a Bit Closer

Synopsis: Xie Lian suggests taking a relaxing dip in the pond. Hua Cheng slightly freaks out. Rated T | 3400w | canon-divergent, fluff, domestic, slight angst [ Read on AO3 ]

Never again will he be so bold. His Highness follows a path of virtue. His Highness is to be untouched. His Highness—

“San Lang?”

Hua Cheng snaps his head up. Xie Lian’s attention is fully on him, his face half-curious half-amused. He hasn’t been aware that his hands were rolled into fists until now.

“It’s only a bath.”

His Highness is requesting him to bathe with him.

Hua Cheng gulps. He may be a ghost king, but he is not equipped to face this challenge.

---

Hua Cheng has endured much throughout his life.

As a child, love was an alien concept and no friend of his when endless beatings and hate had accompanied him. He’s worn battle scars that no young man’s body should ever had to receive. Wars had been waged against godly figures from the depths of Mount Tonglu to the skies of the Heavenly Court. His soul has died again and again for the anguish that had ceaselessly pierced his one person—yet it is also his soul that lives again and again and refuses to fade.

Hua Cheng is a Devastation, a ghost king, one of the Four Calamities, if not the strongest. His very name demands unwavering respect and brings even the strongest of martial gods to their trembling knees. He’s been through a lot but not one of his past challenges can come close to this.

In just a thin layer of white robe, Xie Lian stands in the middle of the pond. He’s pouring another bucket load of water over his head, completely unaware of the silver allure cast upon him by the soft of the moonlight. His under-robe does nothing to hide the rosy peaks of his hardened nipples, peeking from underneath.

It goads Hua Cheng for a little contact, a little taste.

Long locks of wet hair stick to his skin, drawing out the slender curves down his neck and bony ridges of his collarbones. A few stray strands wound up over Xie Lian’s lips and it reminds Hua Cheng of their kiss in the lake. Their first and most likely the only kiss. The one he bravely stole in the heat of the moment when all he’d meant to do is give Xie Lian a little help.

Necessary on Xie Lian’s part, completely out of line on Hua Cheng’s. He’d let his worst part get to him at the expense of His Highness’ comfort. It’s obvious from Xie Lian’s reaction—a boundary had been crossed that left the martial god catatonic to the point where he had to lie to get away from the situation. The only redeeming hope had been from within Qiandeng Temple, where Xie Lian had thankfully taken to its charm.

His eyebrows pinch and he looks away.

Never again will he be so bold. His Highness follows a path of virtue. His Highness is to be untouched. His Highness—

“San Lang?”

Hua Cheng snaps his head up. Xie Lian’s attention is fully on him, his face half-curious half-amused. He hasn’t been aware that his hands were rolled into fists until now.

“It’s only a bath.”

His Highness is requesting him to bathe with him.

Xie Lian moves to the bank. The closer he gets, the lower the water level around his body becomes and reveals a shapely waist perfect for grabbing onto. Once again, that good-for-nothing under-robe does the opposite of what it’s meant to do and only serves to feed Hua Cheng’s tainted, invasive mind. The translucent material, wet to the core, plasters nicely against Xie Lian’s skin, emitting a pale pink hue.

Hua Cheng gulps.

He may be a ghost king, but he is not equipped to face this challenge.

It had started with a simple question.

“Do ghost kings not take baths?”

Hua Cheng paused mid-sweep and looked back at Xie Lian curiously. They’d been fixing up Puqi Shrine and cleaning the grounds, after leaving it unattended for several days when they went off to catch a runaway fetus spirit. Things were winding down for the day, with Lang Ying washing dishes after a not-so-successful meal and Guzi put to sleep.

“N-not that I mean anything by it! I was just thinking, how we ran around all over the land recently and we just spent a whole day cleaning the shrine, and I haven’t seen you gone washing since.” Xie Lian stopped to reflect. “I suppose there aren’t suitable places around here to properly do so.”

Hua Cheng pulled a small smile and continued to sweep away the last of leaves into a corner. “Gege needn’t worry to justify his questions. Any curious thoughts arise, this San Lang will gladly answer. I don’t know about the other ones and I don’t care to, but this one does well to remember to be clean. It would be an offence not to.”

He faltered and quickly added, “Does gege think this San Lang is filthy? I will—”

“Ah no! Like you said, it was just a curious thought” Xie Lian says. His eyes then sparkled, caught bright under the gleam of moonlight. “How about we take a dip in the pond nearby? It’s a nice little spot I found not so long ago, with a waterfall. The night is still early. I’m sure it’ll help expel the last of the adrenaline from our recent voyage.”

Which is how Crimson Rain Sought Flower has found himself in this current predicament.

Much to Hua Cheng’s dismay, it doesn’t really expel much. If anything, it invites more adrenaline and that is not what he needs right now. To be so close, in the intimate space of such private practices—Hua Cheng calls upon the 800 years of learned patience and discipline.

Xie Lian is still waiting for him. “Something the matter? I promise, this time there are no demon babies in the water.”

“…I’m dirty.”

“That’s the point, San Lang.”

That unassuming smile graces his face, as ethereal under the night sky as the time when Hua Cheng pulled him out of the lake in rescue.

How can he say no to his god?

He feels an excited trembling at his side and Hua Cheng looks down to see E’Ming wiggling to get out. A soft chuckle runs through the air.

“See? Even E’Ming wants a wash.”

Hua Cheng slaps his weapon in annoyance. “Ignore it, gege. This thing just wants to play.”

As if Hua Cheng had said a magic word, the silk band around Xie Lian’s wrist slithers itself free and gently glides towards him. Without warning, Ruoye grabs him by the waist and tugs him into the pond. Hua Cheng surfaces just in time to hear Xie Lian laugh. It’s music in the making and he hopes to hear more of it for the rest of his time.

“Looks like Ruoye wants to play too,” Xie Lian teases.

E’Ming responds by unsheathing itself and splashing water towards the white ribbon. The two sentient weapons go at it nearby, chasing frantically at each other in an almost comic-like scene. It comes to a quick pause when E’Ming casts a rather large wave of water right in Xie Lian’s direction and Hua Cheng blocks the attack with his arm.

The demon lord shoots his weapon a cold killing look. Xie Lian meanwhile tugs on an assailing Ruoye and reminds all three of them, “gentle”.

Reprimanded, E’Ming and Ruoye calm down and go off to find other ways to play. Xie Lian then turns his attention back to Hua Cheng. “San Lang, will you hand me your robe? It’s gotten dirtied from all the chores today. I’ll wash it together with mine.”

If Hua Cheng still had a beating heart, it’d be skipping out from his chest. But he doesn’t and it’s a momentary reminder of the many boundaries he mustn’t cross over. He stands unmoving, a good distance from Xie Lian.

“Is Your Highness suggesting that he wishes to see this San Lang strip? That is quite a bold request.”

“Your outer robes, San Lang! No teasing, please.”

“This one wouldn’t dare.”

Nevertheless, Hua Cheng takes pride in observing the red flush on Xie Lian’s cheeks. Rosy and heated, it’s a gorgeous contrast to his pale white skin. He often wonders what other things can make Xie Lian blush like that. A simple touch on his neck, a nip at his ear, perhaps a kiss on his—

He stops. Stop stop stop. His Highness would not appreciate these inappropriate thoughts.

His Highness, who is currently scrubbing his clothes, as if it’s not a baseless and undeserving task for a martial god to do. He does it so earnestly, as he does with everything else. Xie Lian’s eyebrows scrunch with concentration, the tip of his tongue peeking out from habit. Hua Cheng quietly watches, peeking under his arms as he lathers soap into his hair. This is a treasured moment not to be missed.

“It’s not the grand bathhouse I’m sure San Lang has in his manor, but I find this spot to be very relaxing,” Xie Lian says in a soft tone. “Hidden astray from the main road, not a lot of villagers know of its location. Nature is untouched here and it helps me ground myself.”

��My bathhouse is nothing compared to this. If gege wishes, I can build a fence around the area. Prevent outsiders from trespassing.”

“San Lang,” Xie Lian chortles, “if people pass by, they pass by. If they don’t, they don’t. This place isn’t mine. None of it is, even Puqi Shrine. I’m merely borrowing the land from which the earth has gifted me.”

Hua Cheng sneaks a loving smile. He’s always admired this side of him.

After one final dunk in the water, Xie Lian wrings both their now-cleaned robes dry and drapes them over a low-hanging branch. He gives the red robe a long look, contemplation washing over.

“San Lang, if I may brazenly ask…”

Hua Cheng halts his scrubbing to give the man his full attention.

“Earlier when you said…it would be an offence…to whom would it be an offence?”

It takes several words out before Xie Lian flutters his gaze up to Hua Cheng, already bashful from making such an inquiry. But once Hua Cheng catches his eyes, he does all he can to hold them. He wills them not to look away, yearning to convey all the feelings locked inside. The fires, the bliss, the ten thousand words he’s thought up to say in the past eight hundred years. All the little tingles of emotions bottled up and will continue to be so for he has a beloved and that beloved cannot know.

Hua Cheng tilts his head slightly forward and softens his gaze. “Someone very important.”

A short moment of silence pass before Xie Lian hums in understanding. He grabs hold of the wooden bucket, floating forgotten nearby, and returns to his own washing.

“San Lang is a very earnest person.”

Only for his one god.

“Gege is not going to question further?”

“Whatever San Lang is willing to tell me, I will listen with gratitude. I trust you have your reasons.”

Hua Cheng purses his lips, not knowing what to do with this level of trust. So he dunks his head underwater and scrubs harshly at his hair. He’s determined to get all the dirt out. All that filth that sticks to him like a parasite, refusing to leave this place that Xie Lian considers his haven.

Get out. Get out get out get out. His Highness, in all his lack of self-preservation, has invited a Devastation for a private bath and all he wants to do is touch and feel and be close, so so close with him. Patience is his forte – it’s something he’s nurtured in the past centuries but there are moments of weakness. Moments like this when he cannot contain himself and wish he can kiss gege again.

Be a thief and steal another piece of bliss.

Hua Cheng lifts his head out, a thick curtain of black hair fall around his face. He’s done now, all necessary washing complete. He should get out of the pond and wait by the sidelines.

A warm hand places on his shoulder. Hua Cheng startles at Xie Lian’s sudden closeness.

“San Lang, that is not how you wash your hair,” Xie Lian chides, a slight pout to his displeased face. “You must treat it gently else you can get knots like that. Here, let me.”

Xie Lian pulls him towards the small waterfall in the corner, leading a winding path so they stay on a shallow path. Hua Cheng lets himself be turned around and a second later, feels gentle combing down his hair. He lowers himself to a kneeling position so Xie Lian doesn’t have to tip toe.

Somewhere in the depths of his chest, a ghost heart beats.

Here, under the lull of the waterfall and vigil of the moon, a god washes his follower’s hair. The consistent rhythm of Xie Lian’s fingers massaging soap on top of his scalp and combing through his hair length brings a soothing pleasure. It is here that Hua Cheng braves to think that once again, Xie Lian is okay with his touch.

“My mother used to brush my hair while I bathed.”

Somehow, Hua Cheng can imagine an overindulged young prince melting under his Empress Mother’s loving attention, just as he’s so lucky to be experiencing the same.

“Am I currently as well-behaved as gege was back then?”

Xie Lian answers with a light chuckle, “very. In fact, I was more of a troublemaker. I’d often want to go swimming and try to wiggle out of her grasps. Mother was always too lenient.”

“With good reason, I’m sure. Gege was a beloved son—” Hua Cheng stops, not wanting to bring up unsavoury memories, and quickly corrects himself. “And must have been very adorable in his mother’s eyes.”

His hair is tugged playfully. “Cheeky San Lang.”

Fingers run along his hairline, gently pulling back to catch every strand. When the same hand moves down to his ears and brushes against the outer skin, Hua Cheng shivers in delight. It feels like something forbidden, one he gladly welcomes. No one has ever come this close in contact and Hua Cheng resolves from here on out that only Xie Lian will have the privilege.

Washing turns to a pleasant session of grooming. Hua Cheng’s sure his hair is more than clean but he stays quiet in favour of Xie Lian’s touch. His eyes drift to a lazy close, the peace creeping up on him so sneakily that he almost misses Xie Lian’s murmurs.

“I don’t…I rarely reminisce on old memories, especially ones involving my parents. They were from so long ago.”

An image of the Xianle Empress flashes in Hua Cheng’s mind. She’d been looking worryingly over him, from that time when he’d been rescued from Xie Lian’s bastard cousin.

“Then San Lang is very happy that gege is sharing a piece of his memory with him.”

He’s rewarded with a final stroke of his hair before he’s pulled towards the waterfall.

“Come, rinse. Stand under here, the water is not that heavy.”

Hua Cheng dutifully complies, happy under Xie Lian’s full attention and care. When the waterfall hits him, he tips his head slightly back and feels the suds slide down his hair. He hums in pleasure.

“Gege is right, this is very relaxing.”

Hearing no response, Hua Cheng opens his eyes. Xie Lian is wearing a dazed look, his eyes round and staring at him almost in a trancelike state. Lips slightly parted, as if in shock after discovering something unexpected.

“Your Highness?”

That seems to shake Xie Lian out of his stupor. He swiftly looks away, a nervous smile slapped on to hide the quiver in his voice.

“Ah—sorry. You’re done. Clean now…I’ll leave you. Give you priva—ah!”

Xie Lian slips on a rock in an attempt to quickly turn away. Instincts take over and Hua Cheng moves to catch him by the waist, his arm holding firm.

“S-San Lang…”

Only when Hua Cheng registers that Xie Lian is safe and away from immediate harm that he notices their close proximity. Senses become hyperaware towards the man in his embrace—the heat emitting from Xie Lian’s stuttered breathes, the pounding of his very alive heart, the skin…

Oh the warm hot skin that sends tingles through every cell currently in contact with Hua Cheng. Only a mere thin material stands between them and it’s oddly erotic to feel the cold wetness. Hua Cheng flexes his arm and watches in satisfaction the way Xie Lian jumps. His muscles feel both hard and soft under his hold and Hua Cheng would like nothing but to memorize the ridges and curves.

“San Lang, I’m—I’m cold.”

This time, he’s barely whispering.

Hua Cheng takes mercy and slowly unwraps his arm around Xie Lian and steadies the man. “Gege, be careful.”

He receives no response but he doesn’t need to. That bright red blush on his face is enough to lift the heavy weight off his chest and unchain the shackles that has settled over ever since the time when Xie Lian scrambled away their kiss. Perhaps this is different.

Hua Cheng finishes rinsing himself under the waterfall, glancing over at Xie Lian from time to time making sure he’s alright. The god seems to be back to a normal state, no longer moving in jerky ways. They’re alright. It’s going to be okay.

He can stay by His Highness’ side for just a bit longer.

When time comes for them to wrap up, Hua Cheng grabs both of their outer robes from the branch. It’s still rather damp but better than having no covering on. Which…would be quite a problem because Xie Lian’s slowly getting out of the water, not even at all mindful of the obscene display he’s putting on.

Hua Cheng blames that under-robe once again. It molds perfectly to Xie Lian’s wet skin and paints a pretty pink picture of his naked body underneath. Hua Cheng accidentally catches sight of a rather perfectly-round bottom before looking away. Thick clouds roll over the moon, dampening any source of light. At least there is some protection to Xie Lian’s virtue by the night’s shadows.

But imagination doesn’t discriminate, not to a ghost king’s mind and definitely not to a cursed weapon with a cursed eye.

E’Ming jumps at the sight of Xie Lian, joyous to see its master’s beloved come up to the shore and even more so to see him…in that state. It does a shuddering whirl before launching itself at the man.

Hua Cheng makes a displeased sound and is about to snap his fingers when Ruoye whips around E’Ming and covers its red eye. The two weapons wrestle a short while before the scimitar gives and compliantly calms.

Hua Cheng huffs. Damn thing will have a beating later as punishment for even thinking of peeking.

Their walk back to Puqi Shrine is short but sweet. Now without the bright moon, there isn’t much light for Xie Lian to see. Luckily, Hua Cheng’s silver butterflies illuminate their path and the two take to an extra slow pace.

“They’re so lovely,” Xie Lian comments with a soft smile, a warm husk to his tone. He lifts a finger that a bold butterfly has landed on and watches its wings open and close. “I’ve seen them in action, but they’re so gentle and beautiful and—and…enchanting!”

Hua Cheng gives a teasing voice. “Gege, stop. San Lang can only take so many compliments in a day.”

“The butterflies, San Lang.”

“Oh? I guess I am none of these words that gege commends on.”

Xie Lian pauses and turns his attention on him. “That’s not what I mean! I said—well…San Lang is also gentle. And lovely.”

The smile on the ghost king’s face is ever-growing.

“Anyways! That was quite refreshing, right? I can already feel my muscles relax.”

He, too, can feel Xie Lian’s muscles. Hua Cheng’s fingers wiggle on impulse and he quickly brings his hands behind his back.

“Gege’s suggestions are always the best. I am at my cleanest state.”

Xie Lian laughs and the butterflies flutter to the musical cadence. One floats near Hua Cheng and he reaches to gently play with it. His hand grazes Hua Cheng’s shoulder and the latter promptly looks at Xie Lian, searching for any signs of discomfort.

None. Xie Lian is unaffected.

The butterflies grow more daring by the second and surround the god in an illuminating circle. He in turn gives every butterfly a chance of contact with his hands and hums in delight.

Hua Cheng relishes in the sight before him.

Perhaps it’s okay to be this close. Perhaps even in a way Hua Cheng hasn’t dared to think of before. And someday…maybe someday he can show His Highness just how close he desires to be.

---

a/n: somewhere between these paragraphs, dianxia drops the soap. cue shower-sex scene.

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Hows about finger in the mail with Patton receiving the finger? ((& if you feel particularly bold, perhaps it's Roman’s?))

(Prompts with boxes have been taken, highlighted have been written)

Requests for this card are closed, thank you to anyone who sent in requests! If you don’t want to see these you can block the tag #false bthb. As always shoot me an ask if you wanna be tagged in future stories, whether it be for bad things happen bingo or any of the other series, one shots or in general!

Thanks for the request I hope you like it!

The Perfect Manicure

Summary: Roman hasn't answered anyone's calls in a week. Patton wants to know why.

Warnings: gore, severed finger, vomiting, missing person, panic

Prompt: Finger in the Mail, requested from tumblr

Ships: platonic Royality (Patton and Roman), background Intrulogical (Logan x Remus)

WC: 2750

“If I never see another goddamn bubble sheet again I would be the happiest man alive.Can you believe they still have us using those even if the thing to check them is broken?”

Patton smiled over at Roman who was currently gesturing wildly with his hands as he ranted. “Language please. But yeah, I don’t know why they couldn’t just get a cheap light box to replace it.”

“Because all the school's funds go into sports! Which is great but teachers have no respect as it is and then they go and rub it in our faces with not enough pencils and a broken grading machine and damn bubble tests.” 

“Language.” Patton chided again but he was largely ignored. Roman had been an English teacher for a couple years now, his love of writing being something he wanted to share with growing minds. His bright outlook had been somewhat dashed however as he learned just how important sticking to a curriculum was and teachers etiquette and preparing students more for state tests than learning how to nurture their creativity. It hadn’t stopped him though, instead making him push for a creative writing club which he poured most of his free hours into to make sure the kids that were a part of it got as much direction and encouragement as he could give them.

He was a great teacher and an even better friend. Patton had known him since college and since then they were inseparable, boisterous but genuinely caring personality making him a perfect match for Patton who liked to nearly smother his loved ones with attention that Roman practically lived off of. From there he had met his brother Remus who acted just like him except more...demented, and his husband Logan which Patton was surprised about until he saw how well the more logic based man reeled the chaos in when it got to be too much and Remus knowing just how to push the others boundaries to remind him to have fun. Meeting Virgil who’s anxiety brought some much needed caution to the often very impulsive group had created an incredibly tight bond that Patton could sincerely say he wouldn't know what to do without.

An idea struck him suddenly as he looked at Roman’s hands, a bit dry and without their usual coating of colorful polish since he had been so busy lately. Patton looked down at his own ragged hands from always chewing on them, never quite breaking the habit even if he did set a terrible example for any of his own students who might catch him in the act. Decision made he interrupted Roman mid rant, feeling slightly bad for not paying attention for at least five minutes but pushing on excitedly nonetheless.

“We have a week off for winter break don’t we? Why don’t we go get a manicure for the holidays, something to relax and feel pretty.”

Roman grinned back at him, thankfully not seeming to care that he had been cut off. “Patton that’s perfect! We can actually hang out together properly instead of only catching each other over lunch. Oh! I just got that new polish from Virgil too that I can bring in!”

They set a time to meet and went off in their own directions, warmth pooling in Patton’s chest at the thought of finally being able to properly talk to Roman rather than stealing whatever time he could in between classes. He loved his job and he knew at the end of the day Roman did too, it was just you had to try so much harder at friendships as an adult with a job than you did when you lived in the same dorm in college. He shook his head. It didn’t matter; they had a relaxing date set and short of Remus and Logan blowing up their kitchen again and calling him and Roman to help clean up before the landlord noticed nothing was going to ruin it.

----

Patton was worried.

Winter break had been just what they all needed to unwind. The whole gang had gotten together at Logan and Remus’ house to celebrate the holidays, Virgil hiding a smile as Roman had shown off his bright red and sparkly nails to anyone who would pay attention, which was everyone considering how loud Roman could get when he really wanted to. They had all exchanged gifts and everyone had been overjoyed that the gift they chose had been received with excited happiness. Movie night had then gone off without a hitch with all of them being too tired and comfortable to go back to their own homes for the night so it had ended up turning into an impromptu sleepover where everyone scrambled to find something to wear as pajamas...unless you were Remus in which case you just stripped, wrapped yourself up in a blanket and faceplanted on the floor. Patton’s mouth twitched up a bit from his worried frown; no amount of yelling from Roman had reversed that decision and eventually they had all settled down and accepted the late morning in store for them the next day. 

And now a few days had passed- a week to be exact. Patton had sent out a text or two to the usually talkative man to see how the rest of his break was going and if he wanted to hang out again before their holiday ended, not receiving any response. He had tried not to be hurt about it since as little time they had to spend with each other they also had just as little alone time, so Patton just took the lack of response as Roman needing to decompress a bit before coming back to classrooms full of students and meetings full of teachers, silently congratulating him for setting his own boundaries and taking the time he needed even if he wished Roman would have said something first. But now Patton was at school, teaching his class, while Roman was not. A sub had had to be called in when it became clear Roman wouldn’t be showing up and didn’t answer the call the office had sent out to see if maybe he was just running late. Patton had sent a couple of texts himself with no response, the ones he had sent before break ended left unread.

So Patton was worried, and he was going to go to Roman’s small apartment directly after school and see what was wrong or at the very least why he seemed resolute not to answer anyone’s calls or texts or voicemails or- Patton shook his head a bit. He had a full day to get through and he truly could not afford a meltdown in front of his students. He made a vague gesture towards the board saying something about due dates and homework before he flopped heavily onto his chair and tried not to look at the clock too much as a small courtesy to his students. Instead he busied himself organizing random files in his computer until the bell rang, making sure to tell everyone goodbye just like always while packing up faster than he ever had to get out the door as quickly as possible. Driving to Roman’s apartment building was a blur- he had done it so many times he was startled when he realized he had made it there without even noticing. Logan and Remus lived in this building too in a slightly bigger apartment since they were still saving up for something better. Patton and Virgil lived in a building not too far away where the rent was just slightly cheaper but the apartments a little more lived in as a result. Quickly sending a text to Virgil, Logan and Remus letting them know what he was doing he got out of the car and made his way up, Virgil shooting back a text that he’d be there in ten and was bringing their mail with him.

He hurried up the steps as he sent another text to Roman telling him he was coming up, hoping that maybe he’d finally answer but as he stood in front of the silent doorway with no answer his mind was made up. He only hesitated a moment before knocking loud enough the neighbors could probably hear, opening the noise would scare Roman into answering.

“Roman, open up this prank isn’t funny!” Fishing the spare key out of his pocket he quickly fit it into the lock and pushed his way inside. Politeness be damned he wasn’t going another second without knowing what was going on. 

The apartment was dark, curtains drawn and the lights off making it look like he had just gone on an extended holiday rather than what was supposed to be a short winter break. Flicking on the light revealed a thin layer of dust covering everything and absolutely no sign of Roman, even as Patton searched more and more frantically through the small space in a desperate attempt to find something, anything, that could point towards where he had gone. The bed was made neatly with clothes draped over a chair like he was going to change into his teacher’s attire the very next morning, coming in late to twist some dramatic speel about why he hadn’t been in and what adventure he had found himself sucked into. But there was nothing. Hallway to closet to living room to kitchen to bathroom to bedroom. Over and over and over again until Patton was thoroughly sick with worry turned up not a hint.

Patton sat on the bed and buried his face in his hands. Should he call the police? File for missing person’s? He’d call Logan first; Logan would bring Remus and Remus could try and find something and Logan would know what to do. That was fine. Shakily he opened his phone to find he was still in Roman’s messages, blinking back tears as he sent out one last “Where are you?” before exiting and finding Logan’s contact info.

And froze as a sharp buzz cut through the silent apartment.

Snapping his head he looked around in confusion. Surely not- he opened up Roman’s messages again and typed out a quick “Hello?” hearing that same sound a few seconds later coming from the living room. Standing on wobbly legs he typed out a quick “Come up.” to Logan before stumbling into the adjacent room to search for the phone. Said phone was sitting upside down on the coffee table, overlooked in his panic from earlier. He sat heavily on the couch and reached for it, numb fingers fumbling until he finally got a firm hold of it and typed in the password. They all knew each other’s phone passwords in case of emergencies, Virgil and Remus had insisted on it when it became clear they were a unit, and Patton had never been more grateful to both of them.

So many message notifications- all from him and Logan and Remus and Virgil; all of them simply assuming he needed his space since he did sometimes disappear for a day or two for self care. It annoyed them all but they had learned to respect it, staying out of the way until he showed up again more energized than usual and up to his normal idiocy and flamboyance. But this time...this time something had actually happened, and Patton had done nothing for a week. He had been worried and had done nothing and now Roman was gone with no way of knowing where he was or what had happened and-

“Patton.” Patton looked up to see Logan, Remus and Virgil all standing in the still open doorway, all of them glancing around in concern.He shook his head and weakly held the phone up for them to see, Remus’ eyes blowing wide as he took large strides across the room to snatch it from his hand to start scrolling through it, trying to find some kind of indicator as to what had happened. Virgil walked over as well but chose to sit next to Patton, setting the mail down on the dusty table and wrapping an arm around his shoulders to pull him close. 

“Your thoughts are really loud, Pat. This isn’t your fault, we'll find him.” Patton bit his lip to keep from crying, instead glancing over at what the other had brought up only to sit up suddenly to get a closer look at the lone package sitting on top. It was addressed to him but he didn’t recognize who it was from, the return address from some town he had never heard of. He picked it up as Remus threw the phone back down to the table and stalked into the kitchen where he and Logan began whispering. Patton paid it no attention, transfixed as he peeled up the tape and opened the box. In it was a sealed box, small and sitting innocently surrounded by paper packing for padding. He carefully dug it out as Virgil stood and he numbly followed, peeling up the tape of the smaller box intending to throw the other one away. Carefully he folded back the flaps and picked away the paper, frowning as some of it stuck together with what looked almost like rust. Which he knew it couldn’t be... since paper doesn't rust. 

He blinked as he stared at what was underneath the paper, brain having to work double time to catch up to what his eyes were telling him was there. Pale, solid and very real, laid a perfectly intact finger. 

Patton was fond of pranks. As much as he loathed spiders, the occasional plastic one being hidden somewhere he’d find it was a classic. Canned snakes and a dumb joke were always a sure way to make him laugh. Even a dumb Halloween prop could get a rise out of him in the right context. But looking at the finger didn’t make him laugh. Nothing about the crusted blood flaking off the severed stump made him want to giggle. The scar on the second knuckle he knew to be from a stick sword fight earned as a six year old couldn’t make him smile. And the slightly chipped, glittery red nail polish coating the neatly filed nail failed to even make him smile. Instead he dropped the box, rusty paper and neat package slipping through his fingers and hitting the floor with a dull thud.

He barely registered his friends looking over to him before he turned to the side and spilled the contents of his stomach over the tiled floor. His brain shut down as his throat burned, clutching his stomach like a lifeline as he faintly heard a gasp and then one of the others gagging as well while Remus outright screamed, the sound barely cutting through the fog that settled over Patton’s thoughts. If he had just come sooner, had called more, if they had checked on him  after a couple of days instead of simply assuming- who had even done it? Why would someone- he couldn’t finish  the thought, his stomach and brain both rejecting it as he dry heaved through mounting panic. 

He didn’t know who it was that took him out of the building and sat him on the curb. He barely saw the police lights and definitely didn’t hear any questions directed towards him, shock settled so deeply that it was a chore to simply move from the curb to a car to an office and sat down in an uncomfortable creaking chair. His hand was squeezed tightly but he did nothing in return, simply staring at a file in front of him as various people made their way in and out of the room they were in. He was numb and cold and wanted more than anything else for this to be an elaborately cruel prank that would end any second now. Roman would come through the door and hug him and apologize and Patton would never, ever forgive him for making it go on so long but eventually they’d be fine because they always were. And Patton could wave at him in the mornings and laugh with him about Logan yelling at him for breaking into their apartment again to jump on Remus to wake him up.And they’d smile and sort paperwork until their classes came and everything would turn out fine.

Everything would turn out fine in the morning.

This work is also available on AO3!

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[ultimat-e]

𝐅𝐑𝐔𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒  🍍 🍅 🍏 🍎 🍑 🍒

( Link to original meme )

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body?  how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them?

In regards to the physical, Dimentio has never bothered himself too much about it.  He’s not the tallest or bulkiest thing out there, but considering it all remains under wraps it isn’t of much concern to him.  If it wasn’t something that was looked down upon, he wouldn’t mind being ‘ugly’ either ( also considering that he wears a mask all the time, it wouldn’t really matter either way. )  Rumor has it he’s quite charming under there, though!  But whether or not that’s the truth, who could say for certain?

🍅  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it?

Again, because looks aren’t exactly one of Dimentio’s top concerns ( at least physically, style is something he is very much interested in...and that isn’t to say he doesn’t take care of himself either ) he wouldn’t go so far as to go under the knife for anything.  Whether or not anyone else decides to do it is of little concern to him either.  All in all, he cares so little about the matter he doesn’t even have an opinion on it.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

Dimentio is hale and hearty for the most part.  He rarely gets sick, and when he does, it’s usually not enough to slow him down much, not that he would be very inclined to do so even if he was poorly.  In regards to checkups he is well overdue, but someone such as himself is in no position to take advantage of such common services.  He does well enough without them though, having dabbled in medical sciences himself.  He can’t do anything drastic for himself though, but tending to wounds or concocting medicines to cure what ails him is no trouble at all so long as he has the right supplies.

Dimentio does not catch illnesses very often, but can make himself poorly if he gets carried away with any subject of interest, be it studies or experiments or magical practices.  Forgoing sleep and food for his obsessions, the consequences can range from simply being a bit tired and hungry afterwards to nausea and headaches that takes days to recover from, all dependent on just how far he took things during.  Of course, knowing he can simply whisk away these troubles with the waggle of a finger means that he isn’t the best at taking care of himself in those regards anyways.

Other than that, he is not diagnosed with or takes medication for anything.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?

Stable...enough.  Formally, Dimentio has not been diagnosed with anything specific, but allow any person of study to take a look at his case and a plethora of titles might just go flying.

Dimentio can be prone to manic episodes during which his emotions can run rampant.  They tend towards feelings of euphoria but he can easily switch to intense anger if one is not careful around him.  They are mostly triggered when his research or his goals become the subject of focus internally or externally.  He also displays some symptoms characteristic of a mild form of ADHD.

His actions may lead some to think he is a psychopath, and perhaps it may hold true, but he is very much aware of what he is doing and when it is wrong, the issue is that he simply does not care if such things will bring him closer to his own personal goals.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?

Because he is usually covered up, Dimentio does not spend too much time on himself, but he does not neglect himself in this regard either.  He ensures his hair isn’t in a wild mess despite it being hidden away anyways, and keeps himself clean both bodily and in regards to his clothes.

Because it is what people see most, his cloak, hat, mask, gloves, etc. are kept in absolute perfect condition.  Such a pristine and decorated appearance gives him the look of a doll come to life, enough that the title pretty boy clown has been floated about in regards to him.  He takes great pride in that, of course.  A true showman is always looking his best after all.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?

Dimentio enjoys company and attention as much as his showmanly personality makes it seem.  However, he does not desire popularity in the standard sense.  True, having people speak his name with admiration, noting his accomplishments, and being at his beck and call are all things he considers favorable, but the humdrum of having friends, needing to keep in touch, being invited places, going out...all of that seems like a needless waste of time he finds little energy to entertain.

His focus on his studies and goals has made him somewhat of a hermit, something he has adjusted himself to over the many centuries of his life.  After having pushed away any friends he once had and knowing he would do poor to entertain any more, he doesn’t pursue them, nor did he even before he was lost entirely to the madness of his work.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood?

Dimentio’s childhood was a lot more normal than one would probably expect.  His parents supported his curious interests wholeheartedly, and he returned their efforts with efforts of his own.  A gifted child from a stable background.  So where did it all go wrong?  He was never ‘childish’ or ‘rebellious’ in your typical sense as he grew, but he started to become the person he is today sometime prior to his projected graduation from the academy.

tl;dr - The academy is a bit like Hogwarts, or other fantastical places of magical study, built up and supported by the Ancients before their civilization would crumble into the remnants left in Flip and Flopside.

It was the key to unlocking his unyielding desires for discovery and wants to push the boundaries of what was and wasn’t possible with magic to their very brink.  His enlightenment was what cast a dark shadow over his soul and consumed him completely...

He was not unhappy with his life during childhood, nor is he very unhappy with it now.  At times he wishes he could take advantage of the lack of responsibility in childhood, but appreciates the knowledge he has obtained far too much to ever want to revert back to ‘innocence’.

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart?

Dimentio, despite all his madness, is one of the most brilliant minds to come out of the academy, and not just because he is one of the few remaining ‘graduates’ left ( he never properly graduated himself, having left the academy prior as his pursuit of knowledge quickly outgrew the means of the institution. )  Most of his learning he did on his own in regards to his special subjects of interest, outpacing his peers academically ever since he was a child.

Dimentio has a good balance of both, but is much more book smart than he is street smart.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why?

Fall.  Despite being a bit intolerant to the cold, in the west, Fall is the beginning of the academic year.  Campuses are especially magical during that time as leaves fall and decorate the ground.  It’s a point in the year where the weather is tolerable, and when it is not, it is manageable with layers.  Also...Halloween.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

Dimentio is no saint, though that probably goes without saying.  His interests come first and foremost.  That isn’t due to any malicious reason, it is simply a part of his nature as a hermit.  He prefers not to get entangled in other people’s business...unless it benefits him of course.  There is hardly a time where such a situation translated into helping someone, though.

Sticking to his own business hasn’t gotten him in any particular trouble yet.  It wasn’t as if anyone expected much from him in regards to being sociable anyways.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes?

At a time he too once thought about the fantasy of ‘love’.  As a member of the Tribe of Ancients, love was once a thing he valued highly.  The thought of being in love was something that put a smile on his face, once upon a time...but those days are long over.

As he is now, love is just another distraction from his ultimate goals.  He never did actively pursue it despite thinking of it positively, so as it never occurred naturally ( what with him having his face in a book rather than speaking with anyone ) once his life became dedicated to his studies it fell to the bottom of the list of important things in his life.

Dimentio has never dated, had crushes, or engaged in romantic activities with anyone.  If he paid any attention to the world around him when he was younger, he would have found he had a few admirers though.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them?

It all depends on who you ask.  Those who know him distantly view him as someone immensely charming and charismatic.  A graceful and doll like appearance, with such attributes echoing in his very mannerisms, laced with secrecy and mystery make him a very enticing character indeed.  However, those who get closer to him would come to know the truth about him.

He is undoubtedly charming, yes, but the closer one gets to him the more and more the uglier side of him begins to show.  Obsessive, manic, manipulative, dangerous...he is a self serving demon of his own making, a doll with puppeteer strings...but they aren’t for him.  Nay, the charming gentleman most view him as is but another illusion of his own design.  There is little happiness to be found at his side, lest you be someone independent who wouldn’t get in his way.

Dimentio does think of his reputation from time to time...what little remains of it anyways.  His emotions and mannerisms are as masked as he is, everything but an act, and his face yet another lie to muddle the truth with.

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it?

In this day and age: magic.  Proper, true magic, and beyond that, dimensional magic.  He obviously does not hide it and has dedicated decades to perfecting his craft far beyond anything even the most accomplished mages on this earth could ever hope to achieve.

Other than that, in the realm of ‘unusual’ talents ( or things he is unusually good at ):

- Dimentio has impeccable handwriting - He can read books thoroughly at an alarming rate - He can sing very well - He is a very good actor - He can forge signatures and imitate handwriting as well as do impressions that are eerily spot on - Mending clothes - Decorating desserts ( he had a phase... )

And a few other things here and there that he picked up as he shifted to an independent life separated from society.  In regards to habits, his penchant for speaking in similies and laughing ( at times where it may be wholly inappropriate ) are a few to note.

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero?  did they move away,  or do they wish to?

Short and simple: not at all.  Dimentio has detached himself from his old life, from his name, to his face.  Those who knew him exceptionally well, such as the council from the academy to whom he pitched a few of his early ideas to, might have been able to deduce that he was...well, him despite his mask during his exploits with the Dark Prognosticus, but at that point, no one who had known him back then was still alive.

Despite his genius, he was a bit of a nobody within the tribe...just another scholar looking to graduate and make something of themselves.  He had moved away and abandoned everything he knew well before he achieved anything substantial, so even if ancient texts or pictures are dug up, there is no way to link the man he was to who he is now.

[treeyo]

When its been six months since your last blog, where do you even begin?  Many changes happened in my life and am still processing them all but very much in the forward motion with the learning lessons acquired.  With that, well I finally moved to Treasure lake, like finally really landed this March once I got my vehicle situation sorted and its been practically non stop work since.  I will try to keep it short by using headers and pics then be more regular with it all so its not so much to cover and more valuable detail can come out. In essence, this places sheer beauty continues to amaze me and the people who observe and interact with it are a true blessing.

Community

You know the hokey part of permaculture about community and all of that social permaculture.  Well it’s so true in the end.  My Cincinnati, city based friends, have largely disappeared from my life, all but a select few now that i have properly moved here (only 35 minutes away).  My Northern Kentucky network grows constantly.  And to state it plainly, much of my successes or this places growth hinges upon selfless acts from others, service, community.  Gifts beyond value but that also save on finances allowing me to stay with this project fully during the growing season. (Yes foreshadowing). It’s quite a mix here and i honor diversity and am enjoying this blend of Appalachian and river town culture scores to the city.

Past student and dear friend Kaila from BC, Canada stopping on her way across country. What a reunion, giving her a glimpse of the KY culture

Gil, such a generous person, getting ready to transport a beehive from his land to the lake to support both the garden and ecology here

Annie and her rolling around ways in the garden

Mike Lobb, a fishing enthusiast and proud supporter of the lake. and and his restaurant wastes help to feed the worms

Tom and his crafty skills and silly look helping me build artificial fish habitat

permablitz implementation of mushroom beds in hedgerow. it was almost all people from my town of Petersburg, Ky

Mary and Luke, two beautiful souled people who volunteered here often

Bryan and Daniel, two of my besties, jamming together. love them both

Stream Rehabilitation

Over the winter myself and part of the Berea, KY crew, who actually are connections from Portugal, implemented heaps of what I categorize in the PDC as restoring natural hydrology.  The one rock dams, large and small woody debris jams have simply worked.  The sediment has been trapped, the lake hasn’t muddied other than in the crazy amounts of rain that break or meet records.  It’s helped as well with the nutrient overload which to deal with this problem we met it with these elements but also microbial blocks and pellets and also ducks.

one rock dams working to hold sediment back

Pools forming

one rock dams and small woddy debris

stair stepped approach

Animals

How much duckweed could a duck weed if a duck could weed duckweed?

Well it’s a lot and they do weed duckweed.  As the nutrients pour in from the large watershed of the lake it causes each year relentless growth of duckweed.  And I have been eating duckweed through the eggs that the ducks have steadily been producing.  These ducks, mostly pekings, were gifts from the community and their rich golden eggs have delighted many.  The golden color comes from the high amounts of lysine in the duckweed, just as I teach it in the PDC.

Also goats were lent to me and are fun, productive in their clearing, good at leaving fertility behind, but also a lot of work.  Part of that comes from their sheer numbers, 17 in all. They require a lot of fencing moves to keep them on fresh pasture and their health in good shape. I have been really enjoying it but it in the end is consuming lots of hours.  I did, of course along with the help from my NKY community, move their cages which had been in the same place for a few weeks.  Instead of cleaning the cages and moving the manure to the compost area I decided to leave it right there and mulch on top so it didn’t all wash away in the rains just after the move.  Next year i can carry seeds down there instead of manure to the compost area.  an idea….

Alex welcoming the goats on their first day

Goats from the boat, having cleared back lots of weeds, mainly invasive

Compost

As always, as my students know, I am making, along with the help of many, lots of hot compost, completely square on the edge and at least one cubic meter in size.  I did invest in a compost thermometer which has been helping with the quality control.  The best compost piles have been coming from the lactobacillus rich beet kvass wastes from my friends at fab ferments.  It quickly finishes and i am stockpiling lots of it right now for future use.  Annie, the lead gardener of her brand Dark Wood Farm that leases land from us, has even used a bit.  Also vermicompost has been expanding.  I have the unique opportunity to sell worms to the fishing customers or simply give them away.  We have scaled up to 275 gallons.  Next door to fab ferments is La Terza coffee and their wastes have also been helping to feed the worms.

Beet Kvass waste

loading up the worm bin with Romain

Business

All these farming ventures of perennial systems are running concurrently to the running of the business here already.  Pay fishing lake, bar, camping and events to be exact.  It’s a lot of work and requires me to answer the phone, market, mow, weed eat, provide customer service and provide a better experience for those who come.  It’s been a good year, the camping helping a lot in terms of revenue.  And of course through community, Daniel, one of my closest neighbors has helped bring a lot of bar business in the last month or so through starting a tuesday night ping pong and a friday night open jam.  Eternally grateful to him and his extended family as well as his front yard that has no grass in it which i drive by when i do leave the property.  And the event production, we have many successful concerts, parties, weddings, and educational events.  Plant based, not permaculture as i just cant seem to get people to sign up for my permaculture courses around here.  And that is ok, i needed a break and its fun to have such a diversity.  but yes its a lot of work.  I work every weekend from friday morning to sunday evening here at the bar/ fishing lake/camping registration.  I sneak away for farming ventures on the weekends by leaving my number on the door which is part of why i haven’t written a blog in so long.

Bryan in serious prep mode for our July 4th event

Park here!

Positive reaction laying down on our fourth of july event

the lists that make it happen, my goodness this project management is intense

Maria and Ron post marriage ceremony at the campsites

entrance to the bar

Campsite 2

biodiversity

As always my pursuit of biodiversity rages.  I am still hacking away at the invasive and overcrowded natives.  It helps my paw paws.  Paw paw paradise is coming to fruition.  We also planted in our some of our wonderful forest native medicinal herbs.  Ginseng, goldenseal, bloodroot, blue and black cohosh, and wild ginger.  They have done ok but are so far away its hard to get to them.  It’s definitely a zone 4 and future plantings will be on the edge of zone 1 in sandy soil.  I have also planted a hedgerow with different tree crops, berry bushes, and perennial vegetables.  Taking care of the one we planted in the fall of last year also has been a continual maintenance. We also did quite a bit with mushrooms through both logs of oyster and wine cap on wood chips.  It’s definitely developing a nice zone 1 for me around the edge of Annie’s 1 acre market garden. And in general this place is alive, teaming with biodiversity to create stability, resilience, and abundance!

More wooded wood chip beds and remay cloth covering logs to keep woodpeckers away

mushroom spawn in chunks of wine cap being placed in between layers of cardboard and wood chips

caterpillar on milkweed, i guess monarchs?

Phoebe babies in the same nest spot as last year on the back patio of the bar

the beaver is back!

freshwater mussel shell, food for other wildlife

oyster mushroom logs

Foraging

You cant have a paw paw paradise and not then go out and harvest.  Hauling well over 50 lbs from the lake property and already another 20 or so lbs from 1 tree at my parents house, its been great.  I have been saving the seeds and these will turn into hundreds, maybe 1000’s of more paw paw plant for the land and for sale.  I am saving seeds of the big ones and random ones with great flavor.  We also have stumbled upon some great mushroom patches and will we get to the spicebush harvest with all that is going on?

25 lbs plus haul in one morning, mainly thanks to the beavers chopping trees down years ago to give this patch space

native black capped raspberry that went in Annie’s CSA fruit add on

just a bit of the paw paw on the bar, giving lots away

huge wild fruits at the lake. giving thanks to the natives who once lived here and probably worked on the genetics

Abby and me looking for paw paw just before our successful event. thanks abby for referring a spark for foraging

Holiday

I end with the vacation i got to go on to the Asheville, North Carolina area for the SE Permaculture gathering.  It also included a professional gathering and i loved meeting others from the area and finally meeting Courtney Brooke who Robina McCurdy, our common mentor, connected but we never got to meet in person until then.  They have a great culture built down there and was inspiring to say the least.  I know it will grow here, we have done an amazing work in this area over the years but i look forward to treasure lake being a growing point of culture.

Zev talking mutual aid, this guy is on it

So thank you to all who have contributed with volunteering, attending events, paying to go fish, to camp, to drink, to rent the place out. There is more for sure that has happened but i had to get this one out to press refresh on releasing these update blogs more often .  I also pressed refresh on my life by moving back here, staying in one place for over a year, which basically hasn’t happened in almost 20 years and seeking help with my mental health. Never be afraid to do that.  gardening is sometimes not enough, nor traveling the world and living your passion.  I am glad i did it, i am blessed to have this place to experiment on.  The development goes on here and please contact me on how to get involved.  thank you to the community and the treasure lake experience.  Never forget the final message of my patterns slideshow, LOVE.  and that includes love for yourself.  sounds simple but it takes effort that is well worth it!

ps the tip jar at the bar is going well with it being tips for tree planting.  so this fall,

#letsplantsometreesyo

Project Update: A long Overdue one for Treasure Lake When its been six months since your last blog, where do you even begin?  Many changes happened in my life and am still processing them all but very much in the forward motion with the learning lessons acquired.