#get a lot worse very quickly. Theres a post I made a few years ago at the height at one of those tower moments and it’s like

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

*Shrivels into the void*

TFW you double check your stuff to make sure you’re doing things properly within the rules only to realize you misread the rules and have actually fucked everything up so your soul shrivels up and dies

[mikemoon]

( choi yeonjun, cis man ) have you seen MICHAEL “MIKE” MOON ? i heard HE is a COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR at SAN VERTO COLLEGE and an EMPLOYEE at HALL OF FILM. they’re 22 years old and they’ve been living in san verto for 6 YEARS. they tend to be CARE-FREE & ADVENTUROUS, but rumor has it they can also be GRUMPY & CLUMSY. [ tally, 25, gmt+4, she/her ] @foolsstarters​

tw // mentions of depression, cheating, divorce, underage drinking and smoking

michael moon, born myungjun moon –– choi yeonjun fc

birthday: september 9, 1998 - 22 yrs old ; virgo

cis man, he/him, bisexual

born and raised in philadelphia, pennsylvania

mike grew up being an only child, and always around the company of his mother in their house. his father was always traveling back and forth from south korea to the states for work. his parents have met at work on one of his father’s trips to the states, and they fell in love. his mother being american-born, she couldn’t really leave philadelphia. she loved it there. so they decided to keep it a long distance relationship.

sometime during those fleeting meetings, she had gotten pregnant with michael. and of course, his father spoiled them both, giving them everything they wanted. he never left them to fend for themselves. when the boy was born, his father named him myungjun, and his mother decided to name him michael for his english name. the nicknames jun, mike, and sometimes junnie were often heard whenever his parents or childhood friends called him.

up until mike was five years old in 2004, he’s lived with his mother, while his father was leaving and coming back for a week or two. but that year, he’s finally moved to the states and stayed with them for longer nights. he even finally married michael’s mother. of course, he still disappeared for a few days or weeks on end for work.

but that was also the year michael’s mother found out that her husband was with another woman. michael has never seen his mother break down like that before. sadly, the young boy was peering into the room when the fight happened and witnessed everything. his mother made her partner choose between the two women, and he eventually told her that he was going to divorce his first wife for her, and appeared to have gone through with his promise. because after that incident, he’s been around more often.

by early 2015, when michael had just turned 16, his mother had gotten a teaching job in ashdown academy, which resulted in their move to san verto, california. meaning, new school and new friends for mike. meanwhile, his dad was still traveling a lot for business and coming back whenever he could.

michael has grown up as a cheerful and energetic child. his friends at any school he went to would tell you how much of a great friend he is, how trustworthy and caring he is. it was so easy for him to make friends anywhere. he was the type of friend who would smile at you and listen to you talk on and on about whatever you liked, and the type who would cheer you on with anything you want to achieve. he wanted everyone to feel included and loved.

so it wasn’t that hard for him to get along with new people once he moved to town. he was a very social person. 

he was also the type of teenager who was out there doing things he wasn’t supposed to. he missed his old friends and his old home, but he wanted to have fun with all the new kids he was befriending. that simply resulted in him going to house parties as an underaged teen to ‘have fun’. his mother didn’t approve of him coming home very late at night, clearly smelling like smoke and alcohol. 

internally he was a depressed mess. of course, no one is completely happy as they grow up. his family was a mess, even if it appeared as fine to everyone else. his family life affected him so much while growing up. mike sometimes could disappear for a few days in his room, and it was always during some of his bad spells.

what made it worse was the day he found out the truth.

it was 2017 when michael walked into his father’s office in their house, looking for him to ask him about something. and instead of finding the man, he found a stack of papers poking from underneath his father’s laptop. upon closer look, they appeared to be divorce papers. michael’s heart sunk, thinking his parents were breaking it off.

michael is a curious kid, he couldn’t help but close the door and read the papers. but what he saw wasn’t his mother’s name, it was another woman. his heart raced, as he put things back where they were and immediately left the room. michael had found out one of his father’s many secrets. he never divorced his first wife all those years ago. he lied and somehow stayed with both women without suspicion... well, until now. clearly the other woman was breaking it off for a reason. 

michael couldn’t help his curiosity. he came back to the room later that night and snapped as many pictures as he could of evidence he could find. he even found his father’s phone (which was easy to figure out the password of) and found a plethora of pictures of the man with a different family, different kids and a different partner. he airdropped the pictures to himself to avoid leaving any traces behind and quickly left again.

a quick search on facebook, and he managed to find the first wife. it was easy with the name and pictures he had. if anything, michael prided himself on being a good internet detective... or stalker. he spent everyday trying to find the rest of the family on the internet. he found the woman’s young daughter on instagram and twitter, along with her older son’s accounts as well. it felt weird. it was a constant “now what?” for michael. he’s found them. what was he going to do now? he couldn’t just message them and tell them everything. and he couldn’t break his mother’s heart by letting her know.

except he had to let her know. he could never live with the fact that he knew his father was betraying her this entire time. and so michael told her everything, and after comforting her all night when she broke down yet again, she immediately ended things and asked for a divorce. now it was just michael and his mother, all alone. and for once, having to get by on their own.

thankfully they were safe, with his mother’s amazing money management skills, and the job she got at the academy, they managed to live their regular lives despite the heavy feeling of a broken family looming around them. the two just wanted to be happy again.

michael spent the next few years trying to lead a normal life. his mental health had gotten worse after everything he’s found out. he went to college, and he continued trying to do well in school. he really wasn’t the best when it came to grades, but he was trying his best.

and truthfully, he couldn’t help but make a few spare accounts on some social medias to follow his father’s other family.

but he eventually decided to just let it go, assuming they definitely knew about his mother and himself, which would explain the first divorce. so he decided to put it in the past and move on.

his mother has moved on as well. she found herself someone who actually cares about her so much (mike’s stupid ass has done a secret background check to make sure this dude wasn’t another cheater lmaoo) and now mike isn’t an only child anymore. it’s been 2 years since his little sister yuna was born, and he loves her so much. he still isn’t used to the idea of a new fatherly figure in his life, but he’s.... getting there. 

little dumb hcs

mike majors in computer science at san verto college, with a concentration in game development and design

hes a lil gamer boy,,, u KNOW he’s that annoying dude with a gamer chair that has a sound system in it khjkh

he posted a few videos on youtube but rly just ditched the channel after like a month. he still posts whenever he feels like it tho and it’s usually just.... messy gaming videos or opinions no one asked for

his dad’s dumb ass still doesn’t know it was mike who exposed him to his mother. he thinks she found the divorce papers on her own. therefore.... mike still gets money from his dad on a monthly basis and gets to keep the car he bought him for his 18th birthday lmaooooo a win 

you probably heard me say this before but.... theres a hc that mike is allergic to eggs. simply bc the idea of him shopping in the vegan section is funny to me 

this boy has a love for frogs ? idk where the obsession came from but you bet you’re gonna see a cute lil frog sticker on everything he owns. he doodles them on everything too ? it’s a habit at this point. he also knows random little facts about them and tells them to anyone who didnt ask for them 

. embarrassing but.. this dude... omg.... a big sana stan.... he has a photocard collection.... he went to a twice concert like 5 times.... dont be surprised if you see a feel special sana photocard in his phonecase.... im embarrassed of him 

he also has a hyunjin mcdonalds hashbrown photocard framed that a friend gave to him for christmas bc.. it’s a rare card,,, and you can see it on a table by the door when you walk into his apartment 😭

mike also has a habit of buying things he doesn’t need ?? he has a plushie collection that has been growing since he was young, and now is getting bigger with the rise of squishmallows

there’s this random hc where he drunk bought a cardboard cutout of john cena ,,,, don’t ask,,, it’s currently guarding his room back at his mom’s house djfhdj

can you tell mike is my most embarrassing , most chaotic character,, 

also he moved out after graduating school and when he started to attend college,,,, gimme some roomies pls

connection ideas ??

michael’s childhood friends; could’ve gone to the same school back in philly before he moved away ?? 

friends he made when he moved to town?? mike is very social and was... kinda popular in school, i’d say. he made friends with basically anyone he found interesting

michael’s ex; they could’ve ended on a bad note, or even on a good one and ended up being friends. im really up for plotting anything.

michael’s best friend; PLEASE i love wholesome best friend plots. it doesn’t matter if they met in san verto or philly

roomies pls !!! i would love it if he could have some roommates who have to deal with his very . peculiar decorating habits 

co workers ?? customers ? regulars ? he works at hall of film ! 

like this to plot or hmu !

[acuppellarp]

We’re excited to announce that Leigh has decided to level up Lola Alvarez from a mumu minor character to a main character! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours. 

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Leigh, she/her Age: 26 Timezone: EST Ships: Lola/Chemistry Anti-Ships: Lola/No Chemistry

IC INFO

Full Name: Louisa Cristina “Lola” Alvarez Face Claim: Lauren Jauregui Age/Birthday: April 11th (Aries mood), 24 Occupation: Model/make-up artist/burlesque dancer/photographer Personality: enigmatic, magnetic, confident, lonely, passionate Hometown: Brooklyn, NY Bio:

[DEATH TW]

Louisa doesn’t talk about her birth parents, simply because there’s nothing to talk about. Her father, she can assume, was never really in the picture, and her mother left her on the stoop of a fire department in the 99th precinct of New York City, so it’s not as if she cared. Louisa rarely thinks about her birth parents, if at all. The truth was, Consuelo Migdas was sixteen when she gave birth to Louisa, and wasn’t ready to have a family. She had hoped that by putting her daughter up for adoption, she’d be put into a good home.

It took twelve years for Louisa to be adopted. Twelve years for the world to show Louisa its cold nature. By the time she turned ten, Louisa had been carted to four different foster homes. Every time it looked like there was a promise of someone wanting to take her home, she ended up being returned like a blouse that didn’t fit quite right. Louisa quickly began losing hope that anybody would keep her for good. She’d be stuck in the foster system until she was eighteen years old, and then she’d become a ward of the state. She’d have to fend for herself in the extremely cruel city of New York.

If you asked her now, she’d tell you that it could have been much worse, but that’s very much in line with Louisa’s character. She’s not dramatic in that way. She’ll downplay anything to make you think she hasn’t suffered, she’s perfectly fine. But truthfully? Not having the unconditional love of a family had more of an impact on her than she’d ever care to admit. Louisa was awful in school– on the days she came in and wasn’t starving, she found that it was tough for her to concentrate. Numbers and words didn’t make sense. Once, as a Christmas gift, she was given a book from one of her teachers: Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott. Louisa loved that they had the same name, and she loved the idea of growing up with four sisters who loved her and a mother who would do anything for her. All she wanted was a stable, consistent life.

Louisa found that she loved art from the very beginning, and would lose herself in drawings. She loved to play dress up.  She liked to take things, too. It started small, like a pack of gum or a candy bar. Nobody was any the wiser, and Louisa would never steal from the same place twice. She would steal art supplies from her school and only got caught once. Crying, she explained to her teacher that she only wanted to be able to draw at home. Three days later, she was gifted a beautiful set of over a hundred colored pencils. Every hue and shade Louisa could possibly imagine was in that set. She saved the nubs of those pencils and strung them together to make a necklace. It serves as a reminder for her– how far she’s come, and how much farther she has to go.

Things changed rapidly for the better when Mimi adopted her. At least, that’s how she introduced herself to Louisa: “I’m going to be your Mimi and we’re going to be very happy together.” It took Louisa a solid three months to believe her. If she could last longer than three months, that would be all. But Mimi showed her a home that was full of love, and a place where she was accepted. She had dinner every night, she had a quiet, cozy place to read her favorite book, and Mimi made sure she did all of her homework instead of roaming the streets.

It was when she was thirteen that she started going by Lola, if only because that’s what Mimi called her. When she asked why, Mimi would start singing the song from Damn Yankees– whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. And honestly, Lola wasn’t used to being spoiled. She wasn’t used to someone loving her. She wasn’t used to a real home.

When she applied to FIT, she put the design on the side and instead chose to focus on the modeling aspect. She got her degree, fine, but found herself loving the idea of being someone’s muse. Someone’s obsession. Someone’s love. Lola began to become heavily involved in making her own clothing, with the sewing machine that had been passed down from Mimi’s dressmaking mother right into Lola’s greedy little hands. It cost them a fortune to send her to college, but Mimi swore Lola was going to be on the cover every fashion magazine someday. Lola assured Mimi that she was too short, and focused on building a following via social media, something that she keeps up with today.

Lola’s life couldn’t be without one more tragedy, though. Mimi was cleaning the floor of their apartment in Brooklyn when she slipped on a puddle and hit her head. The injury resulted in dementia-like symptoms, not uncommon in Mimi’s age. After calling emergency services, Lola was told that there was nothing more that the doctors could do. Mimi was transferred to a care facility in Queens, and Lola visits her as faithfully as she can. Mimi is lucid sometimes, but often has no idea who Lola is other than the nice girl who visits her and sketches her.

Mimi’s current state has broken Lola’s heart. She’s picked up a few random jobs trying to make some extra cash– including dancing at a burlesque club (she insists it’s for the glamor of it all, but it’s mostly because she likes the attention), modeling for a series of painting classes (again, Lola likes attention), and working as a make-up artist. All the money she makes goes to pay for Mimi’s care, and to keep her room full of fresh flowers. Lola feels lost, understandably so, which is why she’s been so happy to join April’s Growers. It’s given her a new sense of purpose, even if sometimes she’s still kind of sad. Lola is doing the best that she can to juggle her odd jobs, her newfound roommates, her beloved mother, and pursuing what she loves.

Pets:  Lola recently rescued a French bulldog puppy named Donatella, who she loves more than life itself. Relationships:

[WANTED CONNECTIONS: Roommate for Nicola & Kitty, April’s Grower]

Santana Lopez

All things considered, they should be rivals– they’re both Latinas who can sing, they’re both drop dead gorgeous, and they usually go for the same modeling gigs– but Lola and Santana have somehow managed to become friends. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re now prone to admire each other’s beauty as often as they can in someone’s bedroom.

Reggie Clifton

Ah, how does Lola even begin to describe Reggie Clifton? They met at a rally in the city more than a year ago, which is only too fitting for the both of them.  Lola fell for Reggie and she fell very hard. They flirted, they messed around a lot, and when they admitted that they had feelings for each other, it was peppered with the worst thing Lola’s ever heard: I like you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Reggie, apparently, wasn’t ready, and Lola took her broken heart all the way back to Brooklyn and away from Acup. She’s come back around, though, and Lola is wasting no time in showing Reggie what she passed up.

X Scott

X and Lola have a really beautiful relationship, based on a mutual love of art. Lola has become something of a muse to X, and she’s always willing to pose for a photo or painting. They’re very much kindred spirits and Lola would go to the ends of the earth for X.

Nicola De Rocha & Kitty Wilde

Her roommates, but also her best friends. She’s only moved in with them recently, after Mimi’s death. Her Brooklyn home got to be too quiet, and Lola loves their chatter. Lola thinks of them as three larger-than-life personalities who could gossip until the sun comes up. She’s not so subtly hinting to Kitty that she wants to shoot at Vogue, and always dropping her wishlist to Nicola. She loves her roommates and would do anything for them.

EXTRA INFO

lola/lolalvarez/description: some women fear the fire. some women simply become it.

Five latest tweets:

@lolalvarez: @PamelaLansbury if y'all decide that the internal dating becomes to be too much and you need a new member, my door is open #justsaying @lolalvarez: I posted a makeup tutorial from my latest photoshoot on Instagram, please continue to @ me and tell me how pretty I am. @lolalvarez: DO YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF MY DOG? @donatellanotversace @lolalvarez: I could go to Central Park, or I could binge ANTM. Or, I could order Insomnia cookies #3amthoughtswithLola @lolalvarez: @nicoladerocha @awildecard Tell me I’m pretty.

[jinshexedupworld-blog]

Kdrama actor  and Kpop artist confession. If you’re a fan of any Kceleb PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH

Edit: I was pretty direct in my original post but after some thought I have gone back through and censored the actors and artists names just a bit. I have a story to tell. Not sure anyone will hear it. Not sure they will believe it or even care but I’m going to tell it anyway because I have to get this off my chest. I studied for a couple of years at uni abroad in Korea. Koreans for fucks sake are some of the most antisocial bunch if you’re a foreigner I have to say. But thats not what this is about.  I happened to make friends with this one guy, Andrew. He is part Korean but also had lived in Britain somewhere or other too so he was more welcoming to me. Seeing as he was almost my only friend there we quickly became close. Nice guy, a bit on the quirky side and didn’t talk much about his personal life to the point it was a little odd. He was very, very secretive. In fact the only really personal things he talked about was his job, school and the fact that he was a member of the LGBT community. When we would hang out it was always at my dorm or we would meet at a coffee shop or someplace. He never invited me to his place. I even got a wee bit frustrated with it and confronted him about it one day. He got more than a little nervous at that and made all these lame excuses about his room mates being busy and he didn’t want to disturb them or that we wouldn’t have much fun there. I was a bit annoyed at this but I let it slide. He was still a nice guy after all and my only close friend there and I enjoyed him. We had fun together. He was constantly getting texts and phone calls from people he called his friends or room mates. He even had a boyfriend that I knew literally nothing about!  I felt a little left out. I would ask about them or about meeting them and there was always some vague explanation about them and some excuse why we couldn’t meet. At this point I had known him almost a year and still didn’t even know their names!  Not even his boyfriends name! Then one day I asked to borrow his phone and he was unnecessarily protective of it. Yea I get it we’re all weird about anyone else having our phones but come on geez I was having transportation issues , had a dead phone battery and just needed to make a quick call. Long story short I get his phone and make my call. When I clicked end his contact list pops up and theres names in it I recognize. K-idol names. A mix of actors and Kpop artists. I just figure maybe hes some kind of fanboy and maybe he and his mysterious friends use celebrity name handles. Sorry but Kpop fans can be weird and obsessive sometimes, ya know?  And he’s just a college boy. Who is he going to know really? Meanwhile Andrew had been distracted by someone he knew who had approached him and they were busy talking away. So my curiosity got the best of me and his screen hadn’t gone black yet, I still had access. So I go on a little snooping spree through his phone trying my best to not look suspicious. Yes I know I’m a bad person but I’m human what can I say?  I kid you not, this guy has selca pics out the ass literally probably hundreds of himself with several Korean actors and idols. I couldn’t even mentally take in all of them. I know there were many many with E♦♦ members. I saw at least one with P♦♦♦ H♦♦♦♦ S♦♦ I think his name is? The actor and Z♦♦ guy and I think there was another Z♦♦ member in one of them too if I remember right.  There were many with P♦♦♦ B♦ G♦♦, a few with N♦♦ members, one with who I think was a B♦♦ member and quite several with Y♦♦ S♦♦♦♦ H♦. Even several completely random mixed up ones.  I was nervous and hurrying faster than my brain can process but I specifically remember one of Andew, B♦♦♦ B♦♦♦ H♦♦♦, B♦ G♦♦ and S♦♦♦♦ H♦ and someone else I didn’t recognize sitting on a couch laughing like they were having a grand ol time. I’m not even much of a Kceleb person but that one shocked me.  He had another of K♦♦ J♦♦♦ D♦♦ and B♦ G♦♦ together. And thats just the ones I seen before I got nervous about getting caught.  I have to say I was officially intrigued by him though after that. And they didn’t seem like fan pics! That’s what got me most. They looked too comfortable. And they didn’t look like they were taken at any sort of event, concert, fanmeet etc. They were all in normal clothes and sans makeup, in some they even had drink glasses and looked like they could have been in the comfort of their own home. Over the next few months, Andrew did finally start talking to me about it more. He happened to be a childhood friend of a K celeb. Somehow it all snowballed from that. Now he lives with a few of them and is dating one. I won’t go so far as to say which one but he has been for almost 3 years now. I found out he hides behind a “fan” account on Twitter under the name Guksu or JongdaesByuns … or Byunz maybe or some shit like that. Or thats what it used to be at least, I can’t say for certain now.  I followed him for a bit before I deleted my Twitter account. I always found it funny he hid behind a fan account for all the people he actually knows.  He explained to me that he does it more so for the purpose of supporting those he knows personally and for defending them and speaking out against wrongdoings {I’ll get to that shortly}, and from what I seen he really does. And of course when you’re in uni theres always boredom and the need for time passing. And though I was never much of a Twitter person either, it certainly passes time when you’re bored to death. He’s had several stalkers on there try to expose him. Fuck knows how they even knew because he always denies or is vague from what I’ve seen.  And I even got to visit his house and meet a couple of these people . Those I mentioned above, maybe some others even I’m not sure, are all associated with him. I’ve never been a huge fan of K idols myself but I was around uni enough to recognize many, many of them and know some of their work. It’s still kind of weird finding out celebrities are friends with other idols you never suspected they would be. Made me laugh myself a bit at all the stupid fuckin fanwars I would overhear at uni. Fuck if people only knew.  I’m not going to say a lot of shit on here because I know how crazy Kfans are and no one will probably believe this shit anyway. Fuck I saw it for myself and I still am in shock so I wouldn’t even blame anyone. But for what its worth, I’m putting it out there. Believe it or don’t, it’s whatever. Doesn’t really change my life any either way except hoping I will feel better having put this out there. Now onto my reasoning A few months ago I had to go back home and Andrew and I had a bit of a falling out before I left . Not going to get into that but we haven’t kept in contact since. But some of the things he told me still haunts me. About the Korean entertainment industry, both music and drama. The way these people are treated. I even heard it from two of them firsthand. There is so much I want to say but I have heard horror stories about what Korean entertainment companies do to people who speak out against them. I don’t really want to risk that. But if any of you watch Kdrama or listen to Kpop I hope you will keep in mind the amount of suffering those idols go through for your entertainment. The working until they pass out or sick, then being pulled up off the ground and told to get back to work. {side story: I was at Andrew’s house one night when one of the above mentioned people called another asking for a ride home from a set because he had worked 70+ hours straight and passed out several times. } Caking on more and more makeup to hide the fact that they are deathly exhausted. The physical, mental and sexual abuse. Yes sexual. And I’m not talking about isolated incidents. I’m talking about these things being the daily lives of K actors and Kpop artists. And absolutely everything that gets said about them publicly are lies. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G-. If it’s in any way personally related to them and you hear it , then its a fucking publicity lie.  Where they live and their homes are lies. The cars they drive are lies. All set up. I mean considering how crazy and stalkery Kfans are and the fact that so many of them don’t know their boundaries or respect privacy, because yes I have seen this for myself so this much I can understand. But it goes much deeper than that. They don’t date who it is told to you that they date. This is probably the biggest one. Their real dating lives are kept creepily under lock and key and the relationship rumors all of you hear are always fake. A.L.W.A.Y.S.  Sometimes even marriages and family lives are fake and set up. More so if its an LGBT idol.  It’s seriously crazy on the verge of psychotic how far its taken to control these idols lives. And its because everything is considered a scandal in Korea. And fans go crazy over absolutely everything and drop and shit talk their idols over the most ridiculous shit.  So these places they are contracted with go to extreme measures to have complete control over what the public knows. Some of them are gay, maybe a lot of them. But hey guys in the entertainment industry are much more likely to be gay I will tell you that now. I was in theater in middle school, high school and uni for close to 10 years and I probably knew less than 5 males in it that whole time who were NOT gay, or claimed they weren’t anyway.  Gay men love the arts industries. Not trying to be stereotypical but its kind of a fact. And they’re good at it! So there ya go. I know how anti-LGBT Kfans tend to be so let me tell you, get yourself the fuck over it cause you have gay idols. Probably many.  You being hard on them over that is just making their already miserable lives even worse. My only real reason for posting this is to just get all that shit off my chest. I’m not doing this for attention because honestly I couldn’t give two fucks in space what Kfans think. I don’t listen to Kpop or watch Kdramas and since I am no longer in Korea I’m not really exposed to it much at all so I don’t give a flying fuck what the fans of it think of me. And I don’t care to or have time for dealing with their crazy asses.  I do want people to know what their idols go through for them just because I think its really fucked up and you all should know if you actually do care about these people.   I won’t be responding to any replies or answering questions so don’t waste your time. I needed to get this out there, simple as that.  I have lived carrying this with me for awhile now. It gets heavy guys. Really fucking heavy. It just makes me sick that human beings have to endure slave-like lives for those companies and theres really nothing we can do about it. Fuck its 2018 and this shit still goes on. I doubt this post will even get anyones attention but I guess in the very least I got it off my chest. Edit:  Yea I know I maybe just exposed him myself but I don’t even know that he’s still active anymore. I haven’t had my Twitter account in quite some time. And he doesn’t use his full name or say much on there personally anyway so I’m not too worried. And like I said, we had a falling out so take that as you will.

Also a final side note for anyone who read this all the way through and isn’t too busy bitching me out: I have seen some of them scrolling through his Twitter profile/feed/whatever before. Several times actually. So yeah they do fuckin see the things you post.

[rdesai]

When a Cancer Thinks Logically..

Sometimes it takes years to pick up the pieces after a shitty break-up. I believe that people who are "over things" so quickly either never really cared, or haven't fully healed.

After interviewing at several medical schools, and then starting 2 years ago, every. single. professor. made one thing very clear: "Leave the emotional baggage behind.." and "If it's not a thought or relationship that makes you perform at your best every single day, it's not something you can afford to waste time on in medical school." I didn't truly understand this until I was thrown into this crazy med student lifestyle. Most of the time I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with my heart break when there are other things going on - like learning about every detail of the body; then understanding all of the things that could go wrong with it; why they go wrong, how they can progress; and how to fix these problems so that I don't kill my future patients or let them die on my watch because I made a mistake.

I saw a lot of classmates falling behind and in really bad places because they didn’t let go of “their baggage”, or couldn’t do the long distance thing anymore. I didn’t want to be that person. I don’t think I am that person. There’s just too much on the line when you’re in medical school: your entire career. My parents have invested a ridiculous amount of time, effort and money. I’VE invested everything... and to ruin it now? All because I couldn’t get over a guy I fell in love with in college? 

However sometimes, when I feel a little less human (because that’s what happens to many people when they become involved in medicine)... I let my mind go, and give in to my heart. I start thinking, making life realizations, self-reflecting, walking down memory lane, going through phases like "Oh-My-God-I'm-Totally-At-My-Best-Nothing-Can-Ever-Bring-Me-Down!" to "Screw-Boys-Who-Needs-Them" to "I'm-So-Devastated-And-Will-Never-Come-Out-Of-This" to my "I'm-Just-Going-To-Marry-Myself-One-day-Because-Some-Lady-Did-It-Theres-An-Article-On-Buzzfeed-About-It-So-Yeah" phase. For a long time, I’d say maybe even a few years - I felt empty inside. I had no closure, and was just ignored. I reached out to him many times, sometimes when I just needed my best friend back - but I got nothing, or really generic replies like I was conversing with an acquaintance (which is way worse than nothing - it’s a slap in the face). When I spent time with the people I loved the most [at home, in my safe zone, my comfort zone] I still wasn’t truly happy. I felt this huge void. I felt like I wasn’t worth his time or anyone else’s. Sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt worthless. People told me a million times “how incredible” I am, and how “he’s just not a good person”, and “I deserve someone who’s perfect”.. blah blah blah *so many eye rolls*. None of that actually meant anything to me because I didn’t hear it from him. 

As I self-reflect today, 6 days after the birthday of this guy I dated all throughout college, I finally realized that I don’t care to hear any of those things from him... and I don’t even know how or when that happened. This year is the first time I didn't do anything for his birthday or call him since 2011. If anyone knows me - Birthdays mean a lot to me. The thing that means the most: a phone call at midnight from the people I’m closest to. And THAT. is it. I really don’t care about anything else. There’s something about someone making the effort to set an alarm to wake up at midnight to call me, or staying up until it’s time just once a year for me - it means the entire world. I can’t truly explain why, but it just does.

Old me to me after we broke up: Don’t be mean. Call him and wish him a happy birthday, remind him how special he is.

Also me to me: If you say happy birthday, he'll be thinking of you all day and remember how incredible and thoughtful you are, and how much you care about him. He's gonna be like, "Wow, Riddhi. Thanks. I love you. Let's get married."

Don't roll your eyes, or LOL at me. I told you in the first post that I'm a little BSC (bat shit crazy)..... Or did I?

I'm always reminded of him - every single day, whether I make it a point to pay attention to the reminder or not. Sometimes it could be a cool study song I think he'd like, a really interesting case I went over in school, or just making a connection in my medical knowledge that I hadn't before and know he'd appreciate. When ridiculous things happened at school, I wanted to tell him first. If someone pissed me off, I wanted to vent to him so he can be like “Riddhi, you’re overreacting.” and then sympathize with me after I get mad at him for saying that. I used to have to train myself - If I spent more than a minute on a thought about him, I'd say to myself "Riddhi. Why are you wasting your time thinking about a guy who doesn’t care about you when you are so close to pursuing your dream? Are you dumb? No? Ok so stop." Over time and lots of little reality checks, I didn't have to yell at myself anymore. I just blocked it out; because I'm in medicine and that's what we do. We block out emotions. It’s what I gotta do, or else I wouldn't pay attention to my work and I wouldn't know that Rifampin causes your pee and tears to become red/orange. #ItsNotHematuria #ItsJustRifampin

I passionately dislike being reminded of a guy I loved, who dumped me.. every single day, even when I don't actively try to think about him. Med school made me realize something simple: Be an adult. Think logically. (It's unfortunate that I needed to put myself in a lot of debt to figure that out. I should've just read a magazine or something)

So the “be an adult” part - that is tough, solely because I dislike adulting. Adults are boring. They live by all these rules, and have monotonous schedules to follow from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep. They meal prep. They have a bedtime....... I literally just described myself, so I have to face the reality now.

Think Logically? Blasphemy. I'm a cancer. We feel things. We don't think things. Then again, Med school taught me - the more I feel, the more shitty position I'll be in later on because I'll make mistakes, get too invested, not think as objectively as I need to, etc etc basically a cascade of unstoppable events like after insulin binds to a tyrosine kinase receptor --> autophosphorylation --> more phosphorylation --> and more --> so that's just a downward spiral right there if you have an insulinoma...

“Logic, Riddhi.. logic. If I don't want to be reminded of him, maybe I should stop reminding him of me too. If I don't reach out, I'll break this HBD chain that's been going on with this dude for the past few years (since the only time he reaches out to me is at midnight every year to say happy birthday since we broke up - I think because he pities me or feels like he owes me something). If I break this chain, he won't reach out to me either...”

LOGIC. IS THIS LOGIC? AM I BEING LOGICAL? I don't even know because I am so out of my element.

So it probably is logic..

I'm surprised at myself that I didn't reach out this year.

2 years ago, I said to myself, "I'm not going to call him this year." but at 11:58 PM, 2 minutes away from his birthday being over, I had an out of body experience and dialed his number (I still don't know how it happened. I think I blacked out). When I heard his voice, I think I went into SVT (supraventricular tachycardia), and after I found the courage to utter "happy birthday", we talked for a while and of course he said, "Riddhi, I miss you.." (I died of happiness inside and also due to the untreated heart arrhythmia, but tried to be a cool cat about it instead of professing my love).

Last year? Same thing. Except he didn't pick up... or call me back. So I just texted him.

This year, I told myself I wouldn't call him. I didn't cave. For the first time. I think I finally grew up.

I remember a lot of details about our relationship, which maybe I've even romanticized a bit since it's been so long that things ended. But looking back I can't remember how many times I've ugly scream-cried alone in my room or in the corner of a coffee shop; or how many hours I've spent staring at a wall, like there's an actual screen playing flashbacks of moments we spent together, good and bad (of course with the most depressing pop or r&b song playing in the background).

I can't even remember the things we used to fight about. I remember most of the good things like:

- how he'd come knock at my door in my freshman dorm to say good night before he went to sleep every night

- how he'd drive me to school at 3 AM to pick up tampons because I JUST got my period and ran out when we lived together off campus

- how he used to love that my hand would naturally move towards his neck to give him a little head scratch while he was driving us somewhere

- how we used to share so many intimate details of our lives, and feel a little closer every time

- how he used to listen to me vent about the same, stupid college girl drama over and over (and would get tired of it and yell at me, but would listen again the next day anyway)

- how he taught me not to care about what others think of me (I wouldn't say that I truly don't care of what others think of me, but I care much less than I did in college)

- how he knew me to my core and still stuck with me (....until he couldn't, I guess)

These are only some of the things, of a long relationship of ups and downs, that was by no means perfect or even really stable. I definitely overreacted from time to time; he didn’t really communicate too well. But most importantly, I can really only think of the positive things now. I no longer find myself thinking of all the things we did wrong, or all the things that made me want to hate him so badly after the way things ended. I no longer find myself recalling all the things he said and did that broke my heart. I no longer find myself asking, "What if I did this.." or "If only I said that...". I'm not even indifferent to the situation.

As much as I'm reminded of him, things about our relationship become fuzzier every day. Now a lot of it is just a faint memory.

So check this: "I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade..."

I used to read this quote over and over, as I drank straight from a bottle of Malbec (No to Chardonnay, always No to Chardonnay) and recited Kate Winslet's lines from my favorite chick flick, "The Holiday”. Fun fact: I have that entire monologue and many more memorized.. After reciting it today, I realized I went through all the phases she went through. I did the whole "Why me?", "How could someone do this to me?”; I did the haircuts, the ridiculous number of glasses of wine and weekly to monthly interventions with my sorority sisters and closest girl friends. I did the whole falling asleep every night hoping to wake up to a text from him, or even showing up at my door saying “I’m so sorry. I made a mistake.” I even went on an “Eat Pray Love”-esque trip to Europe with my best friend.... Over time (years) I slowly stopped asking myself "What if". I stopped asking myself, "Why me?" I stopped praying that he’d tell me “how incredible” I am and how much I’ll always mean to him. Most importantly, I finally lost hope, and I think I just let him go.

What did I learn from all of this? 

To give myself time. I know what you’re thinking - that’s the last thing I wanted to hear - and you probably won’t listen to me; and that is completely okay. Why? Because I did the same thing. I hated when people told me I “just need time”. What kind of advice is that. Okay Confucius. Thanks, what a simple yet cryptic statement. Is that time in seconds, days, light years? What does that even mean? I didn’t realize I needed time.... until I had time. A lot of it.

What did I learn from all the time I had?

Let myself embrace every single phase of emotions. I stopped trying to suppress them. I’d just ride out the phase.

I wanted to try to be angry and hate him. Fine. I tried until I realized I couldn't be mad anymore. I wanted to play the victim. That was ok,  until I got tired of feeling like one. I tried to overcompensate for how low I felt by pretending my life was absolutely perfect. That was cool too - until I was exhausted from covering up my reality.  We don’t listen to our friends and family because we have to experience it all ourselves. It’s a part of the damn process.

I truly believe that experiencing each phase (some may have more or less than I did) and fully embracing every emotion is what brought me to this point today.

By "this point" I mean:

1) I have come to terms with the entire situation.

2) I truly appreciate all the feelings I’ve felt and expressed.

3) I think three times before I let any guy into my life.

4) I no longer want anything from him - not his time, or an apology.

5) I'm more appreciative of the people in my life who love me and would walk to Earth's ends to protect me and my happiness

6) I'm stronger.

If you asked me a year ago if I could ever love someone so much again, I'd probably say "No. I will never put myself in that type of situation again". But now I disagree with year-ago me.

If I could do it all over again... like start from the beginning, “Hi. I’m Riddhi, it’s really nice to meet you” kinda thing... I would - regardless of the chance of heart break. I’d tread carefully, but if he’s worth it - yeah I would start all over. I've grown up in so many ways, have become insanely independent throughout med school, truly cognizant of my actions, how they impact others, and how I deserve to be treated in return. If I've learned something, it's that the only way to truly live life is by loving others. So I say: Love SO damn hard -- because when it was reciprocated by the one I loved, I think it was the closest thing to feeling magic.

Maybe that’s why I held on for so long? Maybe that’s why a lot of us hold on - because magic so rare; Sometimes you don’t even notice it, and when it’s there it’s impossible to describe but your heart just feels so full. I didn’t have hope a year ago, but now I do. I have hope that I’ll experience magic again one day. 

I realized I came to all these conclusions because I thought about it logically (minus the magic part - but I believe in Harry Potter, so magic is definitely real). Although this post is entirely about emotions, I logically dissected why I felt certain ways, how I overcame each phase.. and everything finally makes sense. I slowly started coming to these conclusions months and months ago, but with how crazy my life has been as a medical student, I haven’t had time to think about my personal life or process anything going on that’s outside of school or my immediate family/friends. Sometimes we have to take a step back, even years after the inciting event, to pick up the pieces and understand why we went through what we did in order to move forward. Maybe this is the closure I needed all along.

Tonight I hope to sleep so well and wake up as a new woman. A new woman who has finally and fully healed after all these phases, all these emotions, all these years. The crazy thing is, I’ll wake up in 4 hours to go see patients in the nursing home, and in my mind it’ll be like I never had any of these thoughts. I won’t be thinking about my past. I won’t be thinking about MY feelings. VINDICATE will be running through my mind; I’ll be coming up with differential diagnoses, conversing with my patients and letting them know I’m fully present just for them - because that’s what we do in medicine. We think logically; and we block out emotions that may compromise our judgment. I couldn’t always do that before, and the fact that I can now is something I love about myself.

Happy 25th Birthday, Previous Boyfriend. Quarter century.. can’t believe you’re SO old! I hope you had a great day and got to share it with the people you love.

^That doesn't count as a real wish, I didn't actually say it TO him. It's just a sentimental thing.

Trust me. I truly am over it.

Sweet dreams.

[freerebelmentality]

My sisters keeper

AN: Yes, I am still up at 3:02 am and watching Supernatural while Im about to post this SOA Fic. Plus I did some online shopping and feeling pretty good about that. Anyways hope you enjoy this piece I wrote and Take me to church pt3  will be posted sometime this week. I have a few personal things to take care of and other things that need to be taken care of as well.

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You and your sister are out doing errands together. At first you were going to pick up the medications that she has ran out of. The pharmacist always gave you hard time because she thought you would abuse them and leaving Carry to suffer.

“Y/n are we almost done here?” She asks coming behind you.

“Yeah, here take these right away” You tell her and open the bottle to take two tablets out

She takes them from you while she takes a sip from her water bottle.

“Im hungry now” Carry says once we step outside

“Lets go to the diner and get something to eat” You tell her while looking on both sides of the street to cross.

Carry looks down the street and notices a group of motor bikes parked down the street. She lets go of your hand while you are on the phone with your boyfriend. Arguing again. She never liked hearing you argue with him.

“You: Travis I am not doing this over the phone with you right now

Travis: If you two are not back here in 5 min”

You hung up the phone, knowing it would be bad when you got home. Just as long as he wouldnt touch your sister then thats all that mattered.

Your sister has a case of down syndrome and a not so great case of fetal alcohol syndrome. When your mom couldnt care for Carry anymore is when you had her move with you to Charming. You never had a problem caring for her since the both of you are more closer.

“Carry, Im sorry” You said while looking to your side but she wasnt there.

You looked into the shop but she wasnt there, ran across to the diner but she was there either and you ran next door but wasnt there. You came out into the street again, hope you would spot her but no where in sight.

“Hey doll face, sorry we arent open yet. Come back tomorrow” A pudgy man with long curly hair and a long beard says.

“You’re in a biker gang right?” Carry asks looking to the bikes

“Its a motor cycle club. You alright sweet heart?” He replies and asks in hopes she will answer.

“Im great. Im just worried about my sister” Carry replies while her expression changes.

“Is your sister in big trouble, the kind of trouble the cops cant handle” He says while the other guys come rolling in.

“Shes afraid to go to the cops” She replies in a hushed tone

“Hey Bobby, and who is this doll face” The cute blonde haired man says

“Im Carry, whats yours handsome?” She replies very cheerfully

“Im Jackson Teller but you can call me Jax doll face” He says as he introduces himself with a wide smile.

“These are my brothers. The man you were talking to his name is Bobby, that one with the tattoos on his head his name is Juice. Theres Quinn, Happy, Chibs, Tig” Jax finishes off introducing everyone to her

“Why is your nickname Juice? Is it because you always have lots of juice boxes?” She asks as her face lights up at the thought of a juice box

Juice tells her it wasnt that reason and asked if she wanted anything to drink. He takes her inside for a cherry coke.

“Whats going on with the girl?” Jax asks while Chibs and Happy stay outside

“She says her sister is in trouble and is afraid to go to the cops” Bobby replies while looking to Carry

“Did she say why?” He asks in hopes he got a little more info from Carry

“Nope, she stopped once you guys came pulling in” Bobby says while looking to him, Chibs, and Happy

“Sounds like spousal abuse to me” Happy says while looking to Carry and her catching him.

Happy plays along motioning what he did and she smiles at him while gesturing him that shes watching him. He gives her a thumbs up.

“Excuse me, have either of you seen this girl? She goes by the name Carry and shes my sister” You come running towards the group of men standing in front of an ice cream shop while trying to catch your breath.

“She’s right inside lass. She is talking with Juicey over there” The man says with a Scottish accent

“Oh my god. Thank you” You let out a sigh of relief knowing your sister is ok

“Im Bobby, Jax, Chibs and Happy” Bobby introduces everyone to you.

“Hi, sorry Im Y/n” You reply while still feeling less intimated

“Really thank you guys so much for keeping her company. If she kept wandering around by herself then she would be taken away from my care. She has down syndrome and fetal alcohol syndrome” You tell the guys.

“She came here and told us you needed help because you’re afraid of something” Bobby says while looking to you.

You had to tell someone and finally get rid of Travis for good. You had to let someone know or else Carry will be taken away for good.

“Shall we head inside?” You ask looking between the men.

“After ye love” Chibs says while holding the door for you.

His accent is what you can get used of and him calling you love. A man like him is what you needed, someone who knew how to respect a woman and knew how to treat a woman.

“Y/N!!!!!!!!” Carry yells your name in pure happiness and gets up from her chair to run into your arms.

“Ouch. Baby girl you scared me, I was getting worried someone took you from me” You tell her while still feeling tender from the other nights beating.

“Sorry, I just want to help. Are you still feeling sore?” She asks in a hushed tone feeling really bad for taking off on you like that but she had every right to.

“I know. Look you sit with your new friends and I will be sitting over here talking with these guys ok?” You tell her as you look to Juice who gives you a thumbs up and a smile.

“Ok. One more thing, see if any of them are single” She says in a hushed tone give you a wink.

“I think you are to young to be dating any of these guys care bare” You tell her while everyone chuckles.

“I know that, not me. You” She says and sits with Juice

“Playing matchmaker already. Well Im married” Jax says as you sit at the booth with him, Chibs and Bobby.

“Whats the problem lass?” Chibs asks looking to you with a sympathetic expression.

You look to him as if his eyes are looking deep into your soul, pleading for you to tell him what is going on at home and thats what made you break. No one has ever asked you what was going on and it felt good to be asked that. Carry hears you break down, she goes to sit with you and she gives you a hug.

“I know but you have to tell them” Carry says in a hushed tone while everyone in the shop goes completely quiet.

You try to contain your sobs but you couldnt control them because of holding in so much for so long.

“Can I tell them?” Carry asks in hope you will allow her. You nod while Chibs reaches across to give you a napkin.

“For as long as I can remember her boyfriend Travis has been beating her. It wasnt bad at first, they would just argue” Carry says while remembering all those nights ago when she first came to live with you.

“Now?” Jax asks as he tries to contain his anger

“As the years went by, it got worse. He would beat her until she wasnt conscious anymore. She scared me a few times when I saw she wasnt breathing” Carry says while you remember those nights.

“She couldnt go to the cops because they would send me back to our mom and she doesnt care for me properly” Carry continues while they understand.

“Why ye are afraid of going to the cops” Chibs finally understands the situation.

“I like your accent, I could get used of that” Carry says while looking to Chibs, he breaks a smile

“Thank you, I could get used of ye as well love” Chibs says while looking to Carry.

“We will definitely do somethin about that arsehole” Chibs adds while everyone in the shop rolls out

“Ye address lass?” Chibs asks looking to you and you had no problem giving him the address.

“Juicey boy, keep the girls while we head out” Chibs says while walking out.

“Got it” Juice says while giving Carry a small smile.

They stop in the drive way, Chibs bangs on the door and kicks the door open.

“Oh Im sorry, where are my manners” Chibs says with a sarcastic tone

Travis gets up from the couch quickly to see which asshole kicked down his door. When he saw the guys is when he plays it cool.

“Its alright, my girlfriends place anyway” He says trying to maintain his fear

Chibs gives him a good punch to the face and sees him go flying.

“Thats how she feels when you hit her like that” He says while towering over him.

Chibs kicks him repeatedly, pulls him up to give him a few punches to the face while Happy and Quinn hold him up. Bobby goes to pack up his stuff and amazingly he doesnt have much around the house. He comes down the stairs and tosses his stuff down the floor.

“If I ever hear ye come around here again, I will be happy to do this again and who knows maybe no one wont find ye. Arsehole” Chibs growls to Travis as he crawls out the door and gets into his car and drives away as quickly as he could.

“Lets get this place cleaned up for the girls” Jax says while looking at the mess they made coming into the house.

Chibs goes into the kitchen and sees pictures of you and Carry. He smiles at how happy you look and how unhappy you look with Travis.

“Where is Carry?” You ask looking to Juice

“I placed her in one of the rooms upstairs where she could rest” He says as he comes back into the shop.

“How did you manage to get custody over your sister?” He asks looking to you.

“I dont have custody over her, my mom does. I havent gotten around to doing that yet. I had her move out here with me a few years ago. My mom doesnt even notice, she was too doped up at the time when I went and got her” You tell him

“Carry’s sister keeper” Juice says with a meaningful smile

“Its more like shes her sisters keeper” You correct him after taking the last sip from your whiskey

“I think it goes both ways. The way she talks about you is like as if you swooped in and saved her. And same with her for you” He says while getting more candy from the counter.

The bikes roll in and Juice looks out making sure everyone came back whole.

“Jerk is gone and some of my guys made sure he stayed away” Jax says once he enters the shop.

“Where is Carry?” Chibs asks looking around

“Shes upstairs a sleep” Juice says while going up to wake her up and take her home.

“Ye are going to ride with me and I’ll have Juicey boy take Carry home” Chibs says while standing in front of you.

“Nice angel wings” Happy says once he notices your tattoo sprawled across your shoulder blades and coming down your arm.

“Thanks comes all the way down my back to and some feathers are fallen” You say while lifting your tank top to show him the fall feathers tattoo.

“Sick, thats how you do angel wings tattoo” He says proudly as he lifts his arm to give you a high five. You return the gesture and smile.

“Y/n Im going to ride on my first motor cycle” Carry says as she comes down the stairs with Juice with a happy expression.

“Me to” You place your arm around her neck and wink at her.

“Is she going to be alright on the bike?” Chibs asks looking to Carry while Juice helps her with the helmet.

“She will be fine, shes going to love the ride” You tell him and put on the helmet

The long ride to your house was a great one, you got to ride with your knight and shining armour. While Carry enjoyed with her new found best friend, you loved how Carry looked. Happy and care free without the thought of anything bad going to happen.

Once Chibs and Juice pulls into the drive way is when Carry hurried off into the house.

“Juicey, mind giving me a minute with Y/n” He asks while patting his back and pointing at you.

“Sure thing brother, take your time. Im gonna say good night to Carry and head back but you can stay behind, Ill tell the others” Juice says while heading inside

“Mind if I say goodnight to Carry?” Juice asks patting you on the shoulder.

“Sure, she went running up stars. Her room is the second door on the left” You tell him with a wide smile. Happy your sister has finally made a friend.

“Thanks” He says with a wide smile and went up the stairs.

“Juicey boy got attached quickly” Chibs says from the door.

“Im happy though, she hasnt had a real friend since she moved here. Travis never let her out of his sight” You tell him while you motion towards the kitchen and he follows.

“I hope ye dont mind me staying, just in case the bastard tries to come back” He asks in hopes you will have him stay.

“Please. I can make us coffee” You tell him and begin making the pot.

“Night y/n and it was nice meeting the both of you. Wish it was a different circumstance but happy Carry came by. I hope to see you and Carry more often” He says with a smile and walks out the door.

“Aye, thanks brother” Chibs says watching as he walks out the door.

You and Chibs talk all night, getting to know each other and surprisingly had the same common interest in music, movies, and had the same interest in classic cars.

When the sun rose is when neither of you noticed until the conversation continued on the couch and just loving each others company. Until the both of you fell a sleep in each others arms laying on the couch. Carry woke up feeling refreshed and when she came down to make herself some breakfast is when she noticed you both sleeping.

She got the spread and covered the both of you.

“I can definitely get used of this” She says in a hushed tone and continued to the kitchen.

Soon after the both of you woke up to a fresh pot of coffee waffering through the kitchen and into the living room. You got up with a happy expression while Chibs had the same. You walked into the kitchen while he followed and you gave him a cup and he poured himself coffee.

“I hate to cut this short but I got to get going. I forgot I have a job to handle” He says finishing the last contents of his coffee.

“Well I hope to see you again soon” You tell him

“Really?” He asks in hopes you would say that. You nod with a smile

“How about we get some dinner tonight? I can ask Juice to watch Carry for ye” He asks knowing he would love to hang out with your sister.

“YES!! Say yes y/n” Carry yells from the top of the stairs while you both chuckle.

“Sounds like a date” You tell him and give him a kiss to the lips. He accepts the kiss and pulls away shortly after.

You watch him leave from the living room window, you see him drive way and just before he makes the turn is when he gave a wave. You felt happy and completely free of the burden and it was a great feeling. You knew that you can be happy with Chibs and he can make you feel safe. You are happy Carry had ran to that ice cream shop, if she hadnt you wouldnt have met Chibs and the rest of the guys. You were thankful towards Carry and happy she is with you. Your pride. Your joy. Your everything. Along with an added benefit in Chibs.

[cutecats2017]

Story time... but I would really really really appreciate it if someone with experience would help me. I love this unique cat and I want to help her. I've stopped this behavior before by myself without my parents knowledge, but I don't know how I could possibly fix it this time. Some background... (Disclaimer: the following contains comma splices, strange grammar, and little organization since I wrote it all in one take. I'm not going to fix it) We got Canyon from Cloudland Canyon, and she was only a year old but already pregnant because of other male ferals in the area. She lost the kittens and almost died, but 9 years later she is still with us. About a year ago she began peeing in my dirty laundry basket. At the same time (months before she began peeing), she also became much less introverted and began loving me a lot more. She would always be on my bed, and something she had never done before until then was crawl up onto me. Well, she started peeing on them. I kept quiet about it at first because I know cats have much different reasons to be being than humans do. Often this behavior is due to stress, and often it is due to companionship since their pee is their "mark". I believe it was both at that time. My other cat, Sherlock, is very attached to me and gets jealous of things like my phone or my ps4 controller, so naturally he would begin picking on her when she started coming to me more and more for love. Cats don't really understand what clothes are, for all she knew she was peeing on my old colorful removable skins that would end up in the trash someday. She also started out of stress because of the dog and cat picking on her. Kind of a "she is mine" statement in the animal world. My solution wasn't to punish her, there is no way a cat is going to understand your message if you shove their face into their own pee. My solution was to close my door, all the time. It happened about once after the first time, and stopped for a while. The aggression of the other cat and dog towards her became progressively worse and worse. It increased in magnitude and frequency over a few months, until finally she peed in Sherlocks favorite sleep spot (besides my bed) and our dogs bed. That is more of an outright statement, "fuck you, I pee on your nest". She has always had so much anxiety, even when she started realizing after so many years that she didn't have to quickly pitter patter away when someone walked up to her. You can just tell these things by the nuances of how they act and interact with their environment. Like the dirty clothes basket thing, I had a solution to this too. I closed my door to stop her the first time with the clothes, so this time I was going to crack down on the animals every time they ran after her or assaulted her. If Sherlock ran after her and tried to claw her hind legs, I'd push him out of the way and stand between them. If my dog barked in her face and intimidated her, I would immediately pick Canyon up and give our dog the good old "NO! NO!" After a while, their harassment dialed down exponentially, and she never peed on their stuff or our stuff again. We moved. Canyon has moved houses before when she was only four, so she wasn't cowering in a bathroom for days like she was on her first move. My parents decided to give her a second chance and let her be inside. I wanted her to do it, not screw it up. I made sure my parents weren't flippant about not closing their bedroom doors, and I made sure that the room she felt most comfortable in was the living room so that she wouldn't pee on the couch. We have been here about a month, still boxes in most rooms and paint jars throughout the house. This was the first time she peed on anything in this house, and it was today. My mom was gone and I decided to do my laundry even though I barely had any. I picked up my parents throw blanket that they were using to sleep with (no sheets on the mattress), and what do I see two very sizable pee blobs perfectly aligned on both my mother and my fathers side of the bed, right there their torsos would be since thats where most of the scent is. I had mixed emotions, one one hand I was angry that she was doing it again but I understood that the reasons were much more complex than I would be able to pinpoint. On the other hand, my parents are the ones who practically invited it to happen by removing the door knob to their room. I have no idea why they took off the door knob, but now their door opens so easily that a dwarf hamster could push it open if it tried. I immediately began cleaning it, and tried to absorb most or all of it with baking soda before my mom got back home. It was too late and she walked in on me cleaning it. She was going to find out anyways, but I wanted to have a discussion about it instead of her becoming positively livid and yelling at both me and Canyon even though that fixes nothing. She picked her up by the scruff and pushed her face so hard into the pee that she couldn't even struggle.Now. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be more angry and I'm not saying that my mom shouldn't be angry. My mom does not care about this cat, she just told me so. Thankfully I remember the exchange word for word. "This is a problem deeper than what it looks like to humans on the surface. It's something that she needs help with, its psychological and shes a member of the family like (dog) and (cat) are" "I don't fucking care. I've been supportive of her since we moved (she hasn't), but it's too late now. I hate that damn cat, I have for longer than shes been peeing on things. She's never coming inside again"So, I have a mother who doesn't care about and hates one of our pets (not to mention that she doesn't truly care about her own dog in the way most owners would. She treats the animals like objects, not equal beings inside animal bodies and brains), and I have a cat that is now probably going to run away like she has done in the past because she feels hated by everyone in the house except for me.HOW do I fix this. There is probably a physical problem that is also causing it, but theres no way in hell my mom will ever spend money to get her diagnosed much less treated for something. I pointed out to her that they did not keep their end of the deal (we actually all made a deal to keep our doors closed so she couldn't do this. I'm usually the one who has to close the doors when I walk past them. Closing the door didn't do anything though since they removed the doorknob) but she doesn't care about that. All she cares about is punishing a cat for something that Canyon and herself don't even have a mutual understanding of. My mom doesn't give a damn about the why of it, she only cares what of it because shes quick to anger and never cared about the why when it came to any of our animals in the first place. I would get it if she was left outside for a month or so even though that would make her anxiety and reasons to pee on stuff worse, but the way they treat her has always been bordering on negligence and near cruelty. Just to give some context as to how they treat the pets: We used to have a cat that lived for 19 years. In the last two years of his life, my parents NEVER let him inside. This frail black cat was forced to face whatever weather elements came his way every single day. His black coat would get burning hot in the summer. In the winter he would seem like he was slowly dying (he actually died out in the freezing cold, a black cat dying on halloween, spook!). Any time, and I mean any and every time they left the house, I would bring him in and give him attention. Clean him, pet him, let him sleep inside. The moment their car would pull into the driveway I'd run outside with him and put him down. No one would replace his food any time except for me, even when ants were swarming it.Ok this post is just tangent after tangent.TLDR; I want to help this cat because I want her to be happy and anxiety free. She has so much life in her when she opens up, but my parents and the other animals are just so oppressive and intimidating to her that she is constantly feeling like shes forced into a corner. No wonder she is exhibiting aberrant behavior and marking on things. My mom thinks she is helping her by yelling "NO!!" Really loud when one of the animals starts picking on her, and even though this makes them stop sometimes, it also scares the shit out of Canyon and she probably thinks it's directed at her. Thats the farthest my mom has ever gone to help her with her anxiety. I just need someone who has gone through this to give me a solid plan. We have a litter box even though they can go outside freely, I keep in clean and it has no top, but again this it not a problem with the litter box since she did it when we didn't have one in the old house. What the fuck do I do to help this cat not feel even more alienated and alone, and how do I make my parents understand that they need to legitimately care about her and get on board with ending the problem? via /r/cats

[quietengineersurvivor]

11.4.17

I havent been feeling myself for the last few days. So I am back here and writing. I don’t know exactly when it started, I have been a bit harder on myself of late, but I thought that was helping and giving me direction, and the feeling of accomplishment of goal completeing/pursuing. But that is more and overall scope. My current goals are to save my money so I can look to purchase somewhere so I can stop paying rent. I can’t go back and live with my parents, that I know. But I’ve agreed to go back there on weekends, what is that about. I know i need to show gratitude, they are letting me stay there, but do i want to? I did start looking for jobs in that area even, I’m not sure, I think i would prefer to be on my own all the same.

My grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, just before my mothers birthday, and that was a sad ocassion, but I thought I had got through that. I am gratefeul for how Gab rescued me from it at one stage. 

I thought i ad got through that OK, i had reminded myself I wasnt to see him again, and thats what death is, an inability to someone ever again no matter how much you may want to. Similar is choosing not to see someone ever again, which also is a thing. 

So that was all through, and i was working on saving my money, I think at that time I may have been a bit busier, I was doing guitar straight away after work, and that was giving me some release, and i was getting head space at work which was nice, of late i have been rushing a bit, and it can be difficult coming down from that doing doing doing. So i would play guitar for a bit and that was good, becaus ei have decided i would like to play guitar, and thats one of my goals. Nothing but that. And I am branching into blue which suits me fine, as many of my favoiurite artists hang out in that genre, and i can still spill back out into rock if that is what i choose. 

Ok so saving money, and guitar. And I;ve also been training my running so i can look to compete in a half marathon. I was going to go away to the hunter valley with a guy from work, but there is little talk in that front, and i am hesitant to bring it up, so i wont. But i am still training for it. Well I was, but then i got injured at soccer around 9 days ago and have injured my groin, which i am working at repairing, but it means no training in running, which i was taking to quite well. I’m not sure where i will compete for the half marathon, but i will keep training for it, well at least get a 5km base 2-3 times a week. But it would be good to get it done this year. I would say Hunter Valley is unlikely to happen, but there is one in the city coming up, which i can lookin into, well i have looked into it, but i still havent decided if i will enter. That is something i need to decide upon. Which apparently i have designated for the end of this week. 

Other than that I cam training my brain for some reason using a nintendo ds game, i have noticed when i feel good i perform pretty well in this game, so this would be a good way to test my mental health. I feel foggy by the way. And lethargic and unmotivated, and i am worried i will lose my mind and memory, i feel like a husk. and i still feel, but all i want to do is be alone, which is a dangerous thing. 

On Thursday night past, I went to get my glasses, and i was getting eyes from one of the girls, but wouldnt do anything to secure her advances. 

At that time, my only thought was to get my glasses, obviously i didnt want to go, but i might as weel go because there is a time. I guess i have been doing that at work the last few days, and it has started to take a toll. Anyway there was this girl giving me eyes and i was aware of here, she was making it easy for me, but i wouldnt talk to here, i didnt know what to say, and i didnt want everyone to see me talking to her, so i proceeded to blank her, finding oblivious ignoring the easier thing for me to do. But still at this stage i was still mentally working, i was still there, and now i feel like im not. At this very moment i feel okay, but over the course of the last few days i have not. 

SO that was Thursday, Friday was a little different I worked, and I was usng this computer program to generate diagrams, i am still learning it, as it is a good skill to have. So i worked hard on Thursday so i would be able to work on this program. And there i am told by Dave that Mitch has asked hm not to let me use the program. So that’s not very good thing to hear, when i am desparate to get better at this program, so i can become better and more confident with designing, so i can look for a future possible in designing. This is my current aim for at work beyond doing enough not to get fired, and do a good job. I also have the aim to relarn a bit of the chemical engineering things in Perrys when i find time. My current plan is to only use that program once a week for a few hours. and then otherwise when i finish my work to get into that book. I just seem to be fucking around on a whole bunch of half arsed stuff that i can’t really get my teeth stuck into, or a whole plan to get done. Im more working at the rate things spill onto me, from other people, and i have been finding it a bit overwhelming. Nothing is being communicated to me about changes. I’m just working on my feet, and doing a bit of other peoples work. Now that was today, yesterday i can barely remember, i was very tired is all i know in the morning, and i slowly got to work, but i remember feeling a little off, and having many teas. I was like its a Monday, and i normally feel a little off Mondays. Again it was a bit of a weird one, but when i spoke with Ryan yesterday I think i was still a little on, as i tried to help him find this contract for this flow meter i am looking to get supplied. And i spoke with Scott while we had to check on the glue that wasn’t filling quickly enough, but i think theres a permanent fix on that now, but all that was holding me up. I managed to get some physicals cut, so i will have time hopefully Thursday to do some work on Solidworks. I guess that means it was only today when i felt a lot off. 

So last night i got in and had to ice my thighs, and i read a bit through this time, then i ate some dinner, and started to complete my guitar practice and lesson. And it all went pretty well. I did comple coitus inturptus. and at the end of which i was still annoyed at myself for not completing re-evaluating life goals, which i wanted to look at, after being challenged first by myself for skipping out of plans that didnt line up with my current goals, but also challenged by my sister, who made me feel the way in which i avoid social interactions is bad, while i do it becasuse i value my own time more. I dont know, so i havent reevaluated. So post coitus interputus i thought about it, and came up with make up early and no coitus inteutus for a month, which was a long standing one from when i got back from NZ. i have already failed on the second one, as i dont know why i have it, and i understad i have it to increase desire, but withough a resource to relocate that energy i though it not the best option in my current mind, which is at a somewaht battle over it, not its first battle but a battle all the same. 

So last nigh i listened to Stevy Ray Vaughan play his guitar, and he is quite talented on the old guitar, different from B.B. King though, whose guitaring i could follow, which left me feel a bit overwheled and underwheling as a player. But its somewhere to aim for. And im unsure if i want to learn blues, as it isn’t my favouite variant of music, but as i said before i can use it as a stepping stone for rock. And i am getting better. 

So i woke up early this monring, and felt a little foggy, got to work a bit early because i was hungry, and thats where food is located, got to eating, and got to meeting, and it all went quite well. But it was around this time i started to feel a bit weird, and im still unsure exactly what created it, but maybe i am a bit overwhelmed by everything and i need to take a step back for a little bit, so i can get back to normal. Because i have also been slowly neglecting texting my friends, putting it off until all my stuff is done, which i cant get all done and yeah. 

Now after all this i still feel a little overwhelemed. and a bit off. and i still am unsure what to do. Other than wait, and hope to feel better. Without recognizig the true cause, but i suspect it is overwhelming. 

Until later, 

Which i think will be soon

Upon rereading this, i fiure i am being anxious and putting too much pressure on myself to be someone i am not, yes i can work well, but i need to do it my own way, and then when i notice i am not feeling flash i scracth at the wound and make it all worse. Its when i stare at my thiughts trying to see fi they are normal, where i need to step back and just let me be. Its this odd balance of goals and not scrutinizing myself. 

Okay anxious reducing time.