#inevitable rn since I know I’ll need to face consequences soon. since there’s really no option to stall past today. I mean I have at least

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

*Shrivels into the void*

TFW you double check your stuff to make sure you’re doing things properly within the rules only to realize you misread the rules and have actually fucked everything up so your soul shrivels up and dies

[imagine-loki]

Books are Better Than People Trigger warning - anxiety attack

TITLE: Books are better than People CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 18 AUTHOR: dance-in-moonlight ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine taking Loki to the biggest library in the world, The Tianjin Binhai Library in China. As soon as you walk in, he’s like a kid in a candy store as he doesn’t know where to start with 1.2 million books surrounding him… RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS: Yelling, mentioning of anxiety attack, serious self-doubt

ADDITION: You are Tony’s personal assistant.

“A week! Not a single word from you! Do you know what this means for the company? For me? I was late to everything!" 

Tony stood by the short side of the long meeting table, yelling at you through the length of the room. His face was red, his eyes shimmered and you could see the vein in his throat throb with his high pulse as you avoided to look him in the eye. Now and then he had slammed his fist into the table to underline his words.

 It had been going on for at least three minutes now, since you had appeared in the doorframe. You hadn’t even entered the room yet. 

The rest of the team sat in between you two, quietly staring at the table or sending you compassionate glances. Everybody was aware of Tony’s temper but they rarely had to sit through an entire tirade like this one.

The meeting had started six minutes ago, you’d been three minutes late. After a week of absence. Three minutes of yelling until Tony finally came to the point of his argument.

"Where the fuck were you?” Finally a break. He expected an answer. 

“Igh”, you tried, but you had a lump in your throat. Nervously you swallowed and tried again, this time in a tiny, tiny voice. 

“In Norway." 

"Norway? Why? And with whom?”, your boss boomed through the meeting room. He didn’t seem like it, but he could be super authoritarian and intimidating if he wanted to be. Which seemed to be the case now. 

“I-i was looking for Loki. There…was a personal matter. Dr Strange hel-" 

"You went after that PSYCHOPATH? And the fucking wizard helped you? Are you out of your goddamn mind? Do you realize you have a job to do?” Underneath the anger - and the other emotion you couldn’t quite lay a finger on - displayed on his face you could see his surprise. If he hadn’t been so upset you were almost sure he’d laughed. Even to yourself the reason sounded ridiculous, but it had been important back then. 

“I, um…” You had no more words, tears burned in your eyes. This was so damn stupid. He was right, you had acted impulsively. You’d made him angry, disappointed in you. The man you looked up to so much, who had once realized your potential and given you this amazing job you loved so much.

Luckily someone noticed your discomfort. Or maybe they were just fed up by the yelling. 

“That’s enough, Tony." 

"Shut the fuck up, Steve”, Tony hissed and angrily threw his hand into Steve’s direction, pointing a finger at him with the force of a punch. He didn’t mean it of course. Tony loved his friends and although he had trouble showing that, they knew. He was upset.

“No. Tony stop. She’s upset, you’re upset. Sit down and let her say something instead of yelling at her like a madman!”, Steve insisted. He stood relaxed, but his posture also showed that he was not intimidated nor wouldn’t put an end to this forcefully if he had to. 

“I said-" 

”Tony.“ Natasha had gotten up and walked over to stand beside you, her icy stare fixed on your boss. 

"Enough." 

With a defeated growl Tony dropped his arm and sank down into his chair, arms crossed like a pouting child as he glared at you. 

"Fine. See me after the meeting. You’re excused." 

You swallowed another lump and fought the tears that formed in your eyes. This was it. Natasha patted your back as you turned, but while you left she stayed, of course. She was a relevant member of the Avengers unlike you. 

____________________________________________________

"You’re replaceable”, you hissed at yourself once you were out of earshot. Anyone could take your position, your job. You would surely lose your job, you’ve never seen Tony this mad before. It scared you. A sob escaped your throat and you began to sprint towards the community  room to hide your face from the security cameras and the employees you passed. Stark tower was no place to be secluded, but since the Avengers were busy you counted on their floor being empty. 

You were lucky. After the door closed you dropped on a sofa and began to cry your eyes out with loud, ugly sobs. One stupid little mistake had lead to all this. Your stupid, stupid ego had almost cost you Loki, and now it would cost you your job and position. You’d been so selfish, thinking telling Tony where you were would only make them all try to get you away from Loki. You’d been away for a week, unexcused. Perhaps the whole company had experienced massive struggles, you didn’t know. You had taken all organizational tasks from Pepper once you’d been hired, leaving her with enough time and headspace to lead the company while Tony could tinker and invent and be Ironman in between of press conferences and agreeing or disagreeing to his wife’s business decisions. That being said, there was no way Pepper could have done your work while you were away, she had no insight in your complex scheduling system and appointments. Even one missed meeting could do a whole lot. 

“Shit…what do I do? What do I do?”, you whispered into the pillows, shaken by sobs. The pillow didn’t reply, so you hit it in a wave of anger. The stupid pillow wouldn’t lose all its friends. 

__________________________________________________

Fifteen or twenty minutes must have passed when your phone played a notification sound. Great. You sniffled and ignored it. You had bigger problems than your friends right now, they could wait. They should know your job usually kept you busy, sometimes no one could reach you all day. Another message followed, and then a third one. Annoyed you unlocked the damn thing and opened the messenger. It was Loki. 

> Hello Love, how are you? We decided on a place to settle, Thor and the Valkyrie are out to talk to the people. <

You had gotten him a phone before you left, he couldn’t teleport  every single hour. He was busy and so were you. 

> Hey! I’m great, but in a meeting rn. Call you later! <

You couldn’t stand the truth right now, you didn’t want him to worry. Your throat felt scratchy from the crying, so you walked over to the little break room kitchen to find a drink. The coffee machine was empty, but the fridge offered orange juice. You poured a glass and leaned against the counter with a deep exhausted sigh. 

Ping. You checked your phone immediately. 

> You told me you always turn off the phone in meetings. What happened, Y/N? <

Crap, he was good. 

> Nonono I’m good! I just forgot, I’m just human you know? <

Hopefully he’d be fine with this explanation. You really appreciated him, but right now you needed some time alone. To figure out how to gather the strength to talk to Tony. The thought of his usually friendly expression now icy and disappointed as he fired you made you shiver. You didn’t want this at all. Then again, who would? 

Your phone rang. No. Not now. You declined the call and huffed, took another sip of orange juice. 

The fourth time it rang you gave up. 

“Hello?" 

"Darling”, the caller said in his softest voice, “what happened?" 

"Nothing. I’m good, thank you." 

He was silent for a few seconds. It was long enough to make you wonder whether he’d hung up already. Eventually he spoke. 

"You’ve been crying. I hear it in your voice, don’t deny it. And please…don’t lie to me." 

You squeezed your eyes shut and took a deep, shaky breath. Even if he was thousands of miles away he was  great at reading people.

“I got embarrassed, that’s all”, you eventually replied. Your voice was thin and high and you felt the tears rise up again.

“So, what happened”, he asked again, even softer this time. And then he waited as you cleared your throat and searched for the right words. Words that would deliver the truth, but not make him worry any more than he already did.

“I was a bit late to the meeting”, you began hesitantly.

“That doesn’t sound like you”, Loki said and you imagined him frowning. “And that’s not what made you cry. You’re stronger than that.” It wasn’t a question.

“No…I haven’t told anyone I was with you and Thor. Dr Strange doesn’t talk much to the Avengers if he doesn’t have to, so nobody knew where I’ve been. I missed work. I…I might have ruined a company”, you said and couldn’t steady your voice, it cracked.

“Y/N, I think you’re amazing, but are you sure you have that much of an impact? I admit I didn’t think of any consequences to your visit, but sure it will be fine. You might get a lecture about being responsible, but I am certain you didn’t do enough damage to justify any worse punishment.”

He seemed certain indeed, and he spoke so calmly it frustrated you. He wasn’t here. This was not his pot of tea right now, and even though you appreciated the advice he had never had to work a job like you, and he knew little about the hierarchy in a company.

"Loki… love, I’m about to lose my job. I really don’t feel like chatting about it anymore, please respect that. I’ll call you tonight, okay?" 

He sighed deeply, as if something was very heavy on his soul. He cared so much.

"Fine darling. But be aware that I am not happy about this. I want to be there for you." 

"I know”, you sniffled and tapped your finger nervously on the counter you were leaning against. “I’ll call you. Bye." 

"Goodbye”, he replied. 

“Oh, and Loki?" 

"Yes?" 

"Thank you." 

You hung up and put the phone down next to your glass carefully, then put your face in your palms and sighed. 

"It’s inevitable Y/N”, you mumbled into the room. “You can either hang around here and pity yourself or you can get back up and regain your composure. Come on, you can do this.” Your body disagreed, you felt empty and tired. You just wanted to sleep. 

“Come on. I’m a fierce warrior, I can handle this.” Oddly enough this one worked. You took a deep breath, finished your orange juice and then grabbed your bag on your way to the bathroom. There you cleaned your face and tried to get rid of the puffiness by dabbing cool water on your skin. Eventually you reapplied your makeup and ended up looking human again. If Tony would let you go, you’d at least not look like a complete mess. He wouldn’t see you cry. 

When you left the bathroom you almost smacked into Natasha. 

“Oh God I’m sorry! Are you okay?”, you asked and rose your hands. Nat nodded and reached out to grab your shoulder. 

“I’m good. Are you?”, she replied calmly and examined your expression. You had no doubts she saw that you’d been crying.

“Uh…yeah, I think.”

“Okay. Tony is in his office now. He said whoever saw you could send you in.” Your heart dropped a little. It was time. 

“Hey, if he’s mean, tell me. I’ll kick his ass for you." 

You smiled weakly, she was trying to cheer you up. It wasn’t working well. 

"Eh…I’ll better go”, you murmured and fled to the elevator. When the doors closed and the thing began to move upward you had to fight an anxiety attack. You would not break down at the office. No way. Stupid anxiety. 

In way too little time you’d finished your way and stood in front of the office. The big wooden double door seemed unnecessarily intimidating today. With another deep breath you knocked. 

“You’re a fierce warrior. You can do this.”