#inevitable rn since I know I’ll need to face consequences soon. since there’s really no option to stall past today. I mean I have at least | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ko-eko-ev-go-ms · 4 years ago

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*Shrivels into the void*

TFW you double check your stuff to make sure you’re doing things properly within the rules only to realize you misread the rules and have actually fucked everything up so your soul shrivels up and dies

#thoughts #oni talks #just continuing vent tags from the previous post dont mind me i just need to scream into the void for a bit #like ok even if there’s things I can do with myself in the worst case scenario that doesn’t really help me emotionally rn #because it doesn’t erase the failure aspect of things and the having to face consequences aspect. I’m also just kind of in shock too tbh #Like I really thought I’d had everything done well but no I just. I make one singular mistake and it literally corrupts everything. though #tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if I found out I actually made a bunch more mistakes and didn’t even know/realize. coz apparently that’s just #what I do now is make colossal mistakes and not even notice them in the moment. half of me wants to try to spin this into a positive and #start adjusting for that reality where I have to drastically change things. but the other half of me is just screaming begging for my #mistakes to be absolved and my failure to be minimized as much as possible. I know logically I will cope if it’s worst case scenario but idk #some parts of it I could cope with but other parts of it I don’t know if it’s possible to do so. I’m trying desperately rn to cling to the #idea that I can fix this last minute so I don’t have to deal with those consequences but like in my heart of hearts I know I’m not gonna #be actually able to do so and will just have to face the music. and now that I say that I just realized some more things that were d #definitely foreshadowing. how could I have been this blind to the signs of my impending doom? I pray that at the very least #worst case scenario this is like one of those failures I’ll end up glad that they happened later because it’s one of those events where x #had to happen so y could happen. which really has just been the last 2 years in a nutshell tbh. maybe more actually. I know I’ve grown by #the way that I’m handling this and I’m honestly fine. but there’s a big chunk of me that is absolutely terrified that things are going to #get a lot worse very quickly. Theres a post I made a few years ago at the height at one of those tower moments and it’s like #it’s exactly how I feel right now except I was in a much much MUCH worse place than I am now so my reaction to it is different #Genuinely praying that this ends up like that moment where there’s at least a light at the end of this failure tunnel. also after I #inevitably run out of tags on this I’m gonna go find that post to RB it bc I remember I literally reread it earlier like even a few days ago #and once again the foreshadowing of like oh hey yeah that’s me right now or oh that feels weird lot relatable even though that’s not now #but seriously why must the fates toy with me like this. I am so tired bro. Can y’all just stop testing me for once bro. I am tired man.#I’m already starting to accept the reality of the worst case scenario but god I don’t want to man. I know there’s a theoretical bright side #but once again I was not looking for this I want the original thing. the non failure version pls. this is like the opposite of that one time #where I tested myself and I proved a point to myself and was actually proud of myself even though I wasn’t perfect. Bc like at least there I #succeeded at something like no perfect grade or approval but hey. with this I succeeded at exactly nothing. I know I’m delaying the #inevitable rn since I know I’ll need to face consequences soon. since there’s really no option to stall past today. I mean I have at least #some standards okay. but damn if I’m not gonna stall at least a little bit in case there’s.. SOMETHING to fix it bc like if it’s fixed then #no consequences right? This feels like I’m in a game rn except normally I can keep myself from fatal mistakes just barely and recover enough

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