#genuinely wondering where they got that idea

[lavenders388]

hey :) I was wondering if you could do a Dae ho fic, where he and the reader are absolutely oblivious to their feelings and Jung-bae decides to do what he can to push them together (the ultimate wing man) Thanks

~Oblivious~

Kang Dae Ho x Reader

requested 💌

a/n: this is the cutest request ever:) i love jung bae and dae ho together and this is such a sweet idea! sorry if this seems a bit rushed!! i wrote it before school:3

"during lights out, we should keep watch over the group in pairs." gi hun states sternly. he is met with some mumbled "why?"s, but out of desperation and lack of anything else to follow in the place, everyone has silently agreed to just go with what he says.

as the recorded voice echoes throughout the large, intimidating room you all will call home for the night, you look around to who could be your second for watch duty. you think about choosing maybe guaem ja or her son as they have become the closest to you, closest to friends.

"hey y/n, you watch with dae ho tonight." you hear from the bunk next to you. you look and see it to have come from jung bae, the man who knows gi hun from before the games. you've grown to trust him as well, his genuineness aiding in delivering moments of relief from the awful place you've all found each other in. you notice he's trying to hide a smile.

"okay sure!" you say with a small smile, relieved to know what the plan is for the night as well as to have someone to spend it with. the thought of not being alone relieves your fear massively, and then thought of dae ho being your partner made your twinge.

"may i stay here until it's my turn?" you ask gi hun, referring to your bunk that's across the X side of the room. "yes of course, it wouldn't be safe to walk all that ways in the night." gi hun replies. the reminder of the unsafe situation makes your skin crawl thinking about what could come throughout the night.

all you want is to just go home, but knowing that home wouldn't be much better makes your spirit falter. you've grown to enjoy being apart of your group, the community being something very starkly different than what you're used to. you had a few friends before coming to the game, but you were never super close. they probably haven't even noticed you're missing yet. as the brisk thought of them not having a clue of your whereabouts crosses your mind, you look around to the group who decided they would protect you throughout this before even knowing you. they're all talking amongst themselves, joking and being kind. its refreshing. it makes you forget all about where you are.

you decide that when you're out you wont be notifying your friends back home. you'll take the money and spend your time with the people you're with right now, the people who chose to care for you out of the kindness of themselves.

thinking about this makes you realize how much you don't want to stop spending your time with these people. your thoughts are interrupted by a soft hand on your shoulder. you turn and see dae ho.

you smile at him, and listen as he begins to tell you why he got your attention. "we should stay close together until its time for our watch. would you like to sleep in the bed next to mine?" he says with his normal confidence, all though you notice his voice faltering a bit when he asks you to sleep next to him. "of course dae ho, thank you for asking." you say smiling at him again.

"actually would you guys be okay taking the first watch, it would probably be the safest one." you hear from above you as you see jung baes head poking out of one of the taller bunks. you both agree and get out of bed heading to where gi hun designated the watch point of your little base.

after you get settled, an awkward silence falls on you. "do you really think that people will try to fight us tonight?" you ask dae ho in a whisper, trying to start a conversation but also speaking your worry in a way that might make you feel better. "I'm not sure, but gi hun said that's what happened last time. he didn't say it was every night though, so maybe we'll be okay tonight." he says in a soft but still confident tone. it makes you feel safer, knowing that fighting may not even break out tonight. his voice comforts you as well.

"what do you plan on doing with the money when you get out?" you ask him, looking up at him for the answer. "well first i would pay off some debts, then i think i would buy a house, or even an apartment depending on how much i get. and then after that i haven't really thought of anything." he says with a chuckle that brings a smile to your face. "what about you, y/n?" he asks you. "honestly the same as you. like exactly. I wanna pay off whatever I can and then settle down somewhere. and then I'm not sure." you say to him with a smile. you think its funny you both have the same plan.

"i think thats a great idea y/n." he says to you softly and genuinely. you've grown to really appreciate the way he speaks to you, to everyone. you smile at him again as another awkward silence falls over the two of you. "if you make way more than what you think you will, then what do you think you would do?" he asks sweetly, caring for your answer as well as to dissipate the silence. "I have no idea!" you say a little louder than you should've, with a hint of sarcasm. "i think maybe id get like a cool car or something i don't know." you say laughing at yourself. your laugh makes him smile.

"what would you do dae ho?" you ask him in return. "i might start up a business or something, like maybe a coffee shop or a little market." he answers. you find this endearing. "that's really interesting!" you reply. "that sounds really fun, maybe ill do that as well."

"maybe we could do it together."

he states, his mood shifting from small talk to something more.

"i would really like that." you reply.

"hey lovebirds its our turn to watch." jung bae says laughing with gi hun from behind the two of you. you wonder how long they've been standing there.

as you crawl back into the bed next to him, you begin to hope there was truth in jung baes words.

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

thinking about a hybrid wolf hair dresser/ barber that would NEVER work on human hair.. but as they see more of you in public, they're more and more willing to make an exception for yours. not really a request lol just pitching an idea if you want to use it or change it up somehow! love your work!!

Yandere Wolf Hybrid Hair Stylist 

Rules | Kofi | Masterlist

Fashionable with the fairest mane around Emile is the envy of hybrids and humans alike

He adores throwing on something flashy and doing a hair flip whenever the opportunity presents itself

He’s just so good at what he does 

He only takes the highest quality clients

The Lion-Hybrid Talk Show host

The celebrity sheep-hybrid 

The list goes on…but only with very select traits

Fame and being a hybrid 

All the things that will have The Emile Farehaire even looking in any client’s direction

And yet when you happen to pass him while doing hair for a movie he’s enraptured

It’s likely because you’ve been working and you didn’t have time to tame your bed-head this time around

If you can believe it the first time he sees you and your mop of unruly hair he turns his nose up and continues walking

“Hmph humans. Given so little hair and they still look terrible!”

You’d think after working on seven different clients a day he’d forget all about the human assistant he happens to see passing by

…and yet…he can’t seem to

The second time he’s surprised to feel his beautifully conditioned and brushed tail wagging when he sees you again with that stupidly greasy hair

“What a look. Maybe try my hair care line, then maybe you’ll look better!”

He was being mean, he knew that

But in his mind, he’s already seen it played out 

You’ll stop and glare, turning to shove your clawless little finger into his chest while you reprimand him

And of course, he’d smile with superiority as he pulls a stray strand of your unruly hair while he mocks you again 

Of course he’d let you whine before relenting and inviting you into his chair

“A charity client,” he’d say and from then on you’d silently be grateful behind that witty banter you two will always have

Except…it doesn’t happen this way at all 

You just…keep walking

Whether you’ve got earbuds or genuinely thinking of the hundreds of tasks you have to get done 

You just don’t respond so Emile is standing flustered while he thinks he’s been ignored

And now instead of catching up on all the latest gossip from his regular he’s mentally debating if you purposefully ignored him and how on this  good green earth was he going to get your attention

First things first he has to get your name

In all his delusions+ imagines he’d never got your name

So it’s a given that he’ll ask his assistant or a chatty client in passing 

“Oh (Y/n)? Yeah they work harder than anybody and–”

“(Y/n)...that’s their name…could you tell me more?”

“Oh, can I? Just the other day–”

After that he just can’t seem to stop 

The voice of reason rings out less and less as he reconnects with his more primitive instincts

Instead of ‘turning off’ his sense of smell for all the specific products he uses he keeps it on

Using it to tell where he should conveniently stretch his legs so that he can bump into you

Or how typically he’d pin his ears down to avoid the sound of the blow dryer now he’s keeping up and at attention when he sees you excuse yourself from the group to take a call

Even with all of that, he seems to have even more trouble actually getting to do your hair

“I really think you should give this treatment a try. It would do wonders for your hair type! Even I could do it for you!”

“With your rates? No thanks appreciate the thought though.”

“W-what about a discount? I can do one just for you!”

“Nah I couldn’t do that to you.”

*Whimper*

At one point whether or not you’ve finally combed your hair or done a different hairstyle

He’s just got to have you in his chair!

So of course he decides he’s going to have to put a little more effort into this 

Maybe do what his ancestors did and pursue the hunt a little more

So he’ll get even more info finally using the money he’s got to good use

His closet can spare one empty space for your address

Maybe a house visit will convince you to finally let him do your hair

Maybe more 

Whatever he has to do to finally get his claws in your hair

Maybe then he’ll satiate that urge to lock you away 

So he can stop wagging his tail when you look at him 

To stop that urge to howl near your place when he’s certain all others can hear

Or maybe it won’t and he’ll just have to fabulously have you as his mate

Whether you want it or not

Enjoy my little ugly doodles of Emile! Thank you Anon, I'm really happy you do! 🖤🖤🖤🖤

[causeimcrayzeebee]

Spoilers for chapter 4 so far!

okay ik everyone and their mother is probably talking about this but monomoko seems to be becoming more and more sympathetic for the students and it kinda scares me for her future, considering what just happened w dr kan (KYS!!!!!). im not particularly sure as to why this is happening, maybe the black spots have to do with the memories or the feelings from the deceased students??? i feel like that has to have some significance. also she went and talked to people that were pretty significant to people who died or got killed, like sasaki and okazaki, so i find that intriguing. im still so confused as to how any of monomokos abilities work but hey ojima got a glimpse of the sky! yeah open sky screamed death flags ojima pls stay true to your word. also the yanagi analysis by monomoko was wild lmfao but i did really like seeing that, it was good to get a better idea of who yanagi really wants to protect,,, hes grown on me so much god i love him

TAMBA MISSING KAMIMURA I AM IN TEARS F UGH KKJSJAJEJE sweetie you DO deserve to be alive but this dialogue is so real i can totally see why tamba is spiraling out. her survivors guilt is really getting to her n how she was so careless before n still survived while someone like kamimura who took a bunch of precautions was killed. obviously tamba deserves to live; the question of who deserves to live is as hayashi said, it’s not something anyone has to prove, you just make the most of it. i really love hayashi and tambas interactions ESP in this chapter.

watari adding patches for the people who died in gonna CRY. i wonder what she would’ve said if she had the time to respond to monomoko, that definitely put Okazaki onto the forefront of her mind.

now onto some actual analysis

I think the why do you mourn them question is answered well with tambas sentiments before; they were so young and just died because of the situation they were forced into. Danganronpa is so dangerous too when the people in the killing game are teenagers, who are still learning to make rational decisions, so putting them in a kind of environment that puts pressure on them to make this kind of sacrifice to get out alive and save themselves, a very human instinct.

i had something in my drafts that I was gonna post desperately but might as well talk about it here cause it fits! i think a lot of why the pink cast is in such mourning goes to the kind of lives they live normally. many of them are more isolated, like kamimura or wada, or surrounded by people but not truly by people they can be themselves around, like hiroaki, chiba, and harada. especially considering them being the best in their field, they have lives where it’s hard to make connections with their peers and it’s a genuine one. that’s why hasegawa n kamimura become attached at the hip so quickly; kamimura was able to actually have a friend. this applies to pretty much everyone, and i think that is what is at the heart of the quick connections. they have the ability to be with their peers and don’t have the outside worlds social pressures on them. it’s a horrendous situation ofc, but if it weren’t for the killing game, they wouldn’t have talked to each other even if they did live near each other because of various reasons. i think the original danganronpa was trying to get to this point and it did in some cases, but in others it didn’t and that lead to a lack of mourning from the cast towards the people they lost except maybe one or two people.

tetro casually making me lose my mind yay hope all that made sense

[itstobias149]

Random Marie lore dump

Prepare yourself man- this one is deep guys

Marie was married till she got to the US, then the guy left. He’s sucks

Marie’s history with her arranged marriage adds a layer of complexity to her character and explains her cautiousness about romantic relationships. She was in an arranged marriage with a man who initially appeared loving and devoted. However, after they immigrated to the United States, his true intentions became clear. He was primarily interested in gaining a green card and achieving his dream of having an American “trophy wife.” Once they settled in the U.S., he abandoned Marie, leaving her to fend for herself in an unfamiliar country.

This betrayal left Marie with trust issues and a deep sense of self-doubt. She often wonders if people genuinely care about her or if they have ulterior motives, which is why she hesitates to act on her feelings for anyone, even when the connection feels real. It also explains her reluctance to engage fully in relationships with people like Bald Bull, Soda Popinski, or even others, as she fears repeating the pain of being used and discarded.

Despite this painful experience, Marie has rebuilt her life, finding strength in her role as a cutman and creating meaningful friendships within the WVBA. Her resilience and independence are a testament to her character, even as she navigates the lingering scars of her past.

Marie, Bull, and Soda, is not canon

Marie, Bald Bull, and Soda Popinski aren’t canon as a romantic trio because Marie struggles with the idea of choosing between them. She deeply cares for both but feels that picking one over the other would be unfair and cause unnecessary hurt. Although Marie supports polyamorous relationships in principle, both Bull and Soda aren’t open to the concept due to their competitive and possessive natures. This creates an unresolvable tension between the three.

The WVBA, seeing the love triangle as a marketing opportunity, pressures them to form an official couple for publicity. This external influence adds strain to their already complicated dynamic. While Bull and Soda might initially tolerate the situation, the constant spotlight and underlying rivalry make it difficult for them to maintain their friendship, let alone pursue a relationship with Marie.

Ultimately, the pressure from the WVBA and the emotional strain cause the trio to drift apart. Marie remains close to both as friends, but the romantic potential fizzles out, leaving them to focus on their careers and individual growth.

Marie still holds onto hope that she can salvage her relationships with Bald Bull and Soda Popinski, as she genuinely cares for both of them and values their connections. She believes that, given enough time and communication, they could find a way to mend the tension between them and move forward, whether as friends or something more. However, the WVBA higher-ups are making this nearly impossible.

The organization, eager to capitalize on the drama and marketability of the love triangle, continues to push a narrative that forces the trio into uncomfortable situations. The constant public scrutiny, staged appearances, and media pressure create a toxic environment where honest communication becomes difficult. Instead of focusing on resolving their personal feelings, Bald Bull and Soda find themselves caught in a cycle of rivalry exacerbated by the WVBA’s interference.

This manipulation by the WVBA frustrates Marie, as it undermines her efforts to handle the situation with care. While she still hopes for reconciliation, the strain from external forces makes her question whether the relationships can ever recover. It also deepens her resentment toward the organization, as she realizes they see her personal life as just another way to boost profits, disregarding the emotional toll it takes on her and the others involved.

Marie House is a Revolving Door

Marie’s house is a revolving door of hope and opportunity, as she opens her home to kids in need, helping them get set up for a better life. She takes in children who are struggling, whether they’re from broken homes, difficult circumstances, or simply need guidance. Marie provides them with a safe and nurturing environment, offering not just shelter but life skills, encouragement, and unconditional support.

She isn’t just a caretaker—she’s a mentor, helping the kids navigate their challenges and build confidence. Whether it’s teaching them how to cook, manage finances, or believe in themselves, Marie ensures they have the tools they need to thrive. While her role can be bittersweet, as the kids eventually move on when things go well, she always hopes for the best for them.

Though it can be hard to say goodbye, Marie finds fulfillment in knowing she played a part in giving them a fresh start. Her home might be quieter for a moment, but she remains ready to help the next kid who needs her. This selflessness and hope for the future make her an anchor in the chaos of the WVBA and beyond, embodying compassion and resilience in the face of life’s challenges.

[nightskyfoxyy]

I remember seeing someone claim she "hates kids" a while back. Yeah sure thats probably why Lyana came running to hug her and yell "Auntie Phee!!!!! :D" the moment she landed and Omega thinks shes the coolest around lmao.

Live Tech Reaction:

[mourn-and-watch]

so if solas sees himself in the inquisitor because of how they were made a leader, a prophet and a symbol by people who followed them, just as fen'harel had been made a leader and a saviour for by the freed elven slaves, will he see himself in rook because they're left alone against the threat they can't possibly defeat without singlehandedly making decisions that will impact the world in unknown ways, just as fen'harel had been left alone against evanuris with no other option but to create the veil

[simplyghosting]

Dad, away visiting his mom, texting family: Here’s a photo of the sundial my grandparents had. Not sure how it’s supposed to work. My mom is giving it to us.

*photo*

Me: …

Me: ..mm.. ah.

Me: Quick check have their been any unexplained curse symptoms in the family? No reason for asking.

[thedrotter]

Do any of you remember a Youtube video about Re:Kinder talking about how the game is seen and percieved by some people (mostly touching upon and arguing against how it has been treated insensitively as some sort of weird legend like "ooo disturbing game with a hidden truth behind it" due to it's creator being dead), as well as talking about the charm of the game (even mentioning it's art at some point) and sadness of the themes without spoiling anything at the same time?? I remember the video avoided saying any spoilers at all and only touched on the literal plot as the kids being stuck in a dire situation in the town with all the adults dead without really getting into the why (it didn't even say one of the kids themselves was the cause— as thus, spoiler free), other than that it just touched on the emotional side of it and vaguely mentioned some scenes.

i also remember at some point the later half (at the very least if not in all of it) of the video, music by Siinamota was playing in the background. Does anyone remember seeing a video like this?

I can't seem to find it anywhere and don't even remember the exact year I watched it.😭 It was the way I found out about this game a while ago, which eventually ended up in me playing it, and I really wish I could watch it again. I thought it was a deleted video by someone called hazel as it was mentioned by a lot of people, but I found that one and it isnt it.😓 I'm wondering if anyone remembers watching something along the lines of what im describing and knows if it's still up.

[objectconfessions]

they really did put a knife in that mepencil huh

[adwox]

does anybody have any songs and/or albums they associate with X... asking for a friend

[truckstoptigers]

you know how ppl suggest going outside for a little bit to help w like. mental health? when you feel too cooped up/like you need to do smth but you don't have much energy?

turns out going outside doesn't suck as much as it used to!! I have not spent this much time outside since before I was 13 & I can finally enjoy it again!!!!

[abandoned-as-mustard]

my latest hyperfixation: armchair diagnosing my peers. oh, you thought you could just exist around me. sorry. here's a nice seat on this round disk, it's totally not a petri dish or anything. can you hear electricity?

[maskedbyghost]

when simon wakes up in a hospital, the last thing you expect is for him to grab your hand, pull you close, and say, “hey, there you are, love.” his voice is so soft, so sure, it leaves you speechless. you stare at him, half in shock, because this is ghost—simon riley, the one person who’s kept every feeling locked up.

“simon, do you… do you remember anything?” you ask, testing the waters.

he blinks, looking at you with confidence. “of course, i remember. you’re my wife.”

you freeze. his wife? this is new, and you’re not sure where he got the idea, but before you can correct him, johnny walks in, taking one look at the two of you and biting back a grin. he leans in, whispering to you, “maybe just… go with it for now, eh?” he’s got that teasing glint in his eye, and something tells you there’s no harm in humoring simon for a bit, if it can be helpful for his recovery.

so, you go along with it. and to your surprise, simon doesn’t act confused—in fact, he’s more open with you than he’s ever been. suddenly, he’s holding your hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world, always looking for you, keeping you close, calling you “love” or “darlin’” in front of everyone. he’s even got that soft smile every time you catch his eye, one that makes it hard to remember this isn’t real.

the team’s amused but supportive, playing along with the whole story. simon keeps asking you little things, like what your favorite meal is, or how you usually spend your days when he’s away, as if filling in gaps in a life he believes you share. you find yourself answering with things that feel so genuine, and the way he listens—focused, attentive—feels more intimate than anything you’ve shared before.

one day, you’re patching up a minor scrape on his hand, and he just watches you, eyes soft, like he’s memorizing every detail. “i don’t know what i’d do without you,” he murmurs, voice barely above a whisper. it’s so genuine, so open, that for a second, you forget it’s all just part of his memory loss.

then, one night, he pulls you close, resting his forehead against yours, eyes serious. “do you ever think about us?” he asks softly, like he’s trying to get at something just out of reach. “how we’d be if things were… different?”

you’re not sure how to answer because there’s no script for this. “sometimes,” you admit, feeling a pang of something deep and unspoken. and for the first time, you’re almost grateful he can’t remember—because maybe, just maybe, it’s the only reason he’s letting himself be this vulnerable with you.

as the days pass, you start catching little glimpses, small things that make you wonder if he knows more than he’s letting on. he catches you watching him once, and instead of asking why, he just gives you this little smile, one that feels like he’s in on the secret. and just when you’re starting to think this is all some kind of twisted dream, he pulls you aside.

“i know i’m supposed to remember,” he whispers, “but i don’t want this to end. not yet.”

it’s in that moment you realize the truth. he’s been aware all along—he’s been pretending just as much as you, holding on to this fragile, temporary illusion because, maybe, he needs it just as much as you do.

--------------------------------------------

hii!! i'm backkk!! send some requests plsss, byee <333

@daydreamerwoah @spicyspicyliving

[david-watts]

actually I'm going to loudly announce that I'm going to pack the greenhouse tent I got for my chillies that since those were murdered I mean they died of totally natural causes and that they weren't deliberately sabotaged in any way, I don't have a need for it for the time being, and so it's going under the house. and when the screaming match begins of 'I need that!' I will simply say 'well it's mine. I control what I do with it' which will get me into serious shit but hey when am I not

[arolesbianism]

Y'know I know I've said like a billion times I don't want to know shit abt Jackie's past but erm. Hi klei. Please just tell me if Josephine and Alan are her parents or some miscellaneous relative this is so important. Did Jackie seriously come from a household with a colonel and another person with a doctorate or does she just happen to be related to them this is so important for how I decide to move forward with my Jackie hcs and with my aus in general I need to know so bad tell me right fucking now

[lizardho]

I came out to my dad as bisexual at 14 and I was PANICKED because I had a crush on a guy in my Boy Scout troop and thought I was Going To Hell Forever and he was so kind and understanding of my distress, but he had NO idea what bisexuality was. He just said “yeah but you like girls too? This is normal. Everyone is like this.” And I love my dad and trust him with my life to this day and the idea that the concept of bisexuality had not occurred to him had not occurred to me so I put it off.

By 16 though I had a crush on like THREE boys. Three entire boys in my Boy Scout troop. I felt like my sin was slowly advancing, until like an untreated cancer it had become metastatic. I remember bawling my L’il limp-wristed sissy eyes out in his big rumbly truck on the way home from a scout meeting and him telling me that it was OK, that he still loved me if I was gay, but that he knew I wasn’t gay because I still had crushes on women and that meant I was straight. I didn’t quite know how to explain that those felt *~*different*~* and that I felt like I was losing a fight to evil inside me but I again felt comforted by his reassurances and his genuine fatherly love.

At 18 I was like “hey I’m realizing all my friends are going on missions. I don’t wanna do that. Idk how to say that and I don’t have a ‘good enough’ reason to not wanna go.” So I just put it off. Again, my parents were extremely supportive of the information I gave them (I blamed it on perpetually forgetting to start the paperwork.) and one day my mom texted me that she had done the paperwork for me! And that all I needed was to get a physical! So I did that (it was awkward af tbh, my hernia check was done by a trainee doctor and she spent like 3 minutes fishing around my inguinal canals before her attending rescued me) and was sent to Mexico City where I learned that in addition to dipshit himbos with strong hands and scruffy guys with artistic hearts I was REALLY into chubby Latin men with strong personalities who bullied me a little when I lived in Mexico.

I remember my first companion got annoyed with me during an argument and said we were just gonna wrestle and whoever won the wrestling match won the argument (I stg I am dead serious this happened.) I was like…SWEATING when he tore off his tie and threw his white button-down shirt onto the ground (I won btw, don’t ask me how).

I remember one of my companions with this really intense, almost manic energy telling me that he was gonna make sure I was safe in a new area I didn’t know very well. He cooked breakfast for me and we’d go shopping together on P-Days and in the mornings before breakfast he’d jog around and do pull-ups with his shirt off and I’d do anything but look at him because my face would break out in a sweat so intense he’d think I was crying and come over to see if I was OK and somehow make it worse. He let me play D&D with myself in the evenings even though it was against mission rules because he knew how lonely and stressed I was.

I remember one of my companions was a big chubby man with a loud voice and a great sense of humor. He was kind and direct when addressing conflicts with me, and always bragged about how he knew the secrets of women’s minds and it felt like he really did since it almost always boiled down to “Treat Them Like People and Love Them a Lot. Don’t Stop Being A Person For Them. Also Eat Them Out Sloppy Style.” Our P-Day activities sometimes felt like dates, and it seemed like he was more attentive to my emotional state than I was since he was always the first to suggest we slow down our Divinely Mandated, God-Ordained, Super Sacred Work and Wonder to get a snack or check out a Pawn Shop (I love Pawn Shops).

I remember another companion who asked me to bully him every time he did something against his goal of losing weight. It was like he gave me Carte Blanche to take out my crush on him by being a nuisance and I LOVED that. I remember having a breakdown one day after we’d spent the afternoon frantically cleaning our disgusting-barely-habitable mission house to make it look less vile that it was (not our fault imo?) and I started bawling and he pulled me into a hug and he smelled good and he told me he knew it wasn’t just the house and that I was mad at him for being a Huge Dickhead for about a week (true) and that he would work on it. (He’s also a huge chaser but that’s a separate thing.)

I remember one of my companions waking up early (and our schedule is already built for sleep deprivation) to make me a “birthday cake” from knock-off Nutella and bread. He used matches for candles and woke me up, lit the ‘candles,’ pulled them out, then smashed it in my face and took a bunch of pictures while I was still madrugada and disoriented as fuck. He had the same sense of humor as one of my HS crushes and I could push his buttons pretty easily which was so fun.

I came home from my mission and started back at BYU where I became actively and aggressively suicidal. I had a stalker the year I moved up there and my dad’s solution to that was to get me a gun. I know he wouldn’t have bought me a gun if he could have read my mind, but I had a loaded pistol under my bed during a trifecta faith/sexuality/gender crisis and that was not helpful. I remember that the day I decided to kill myself I figured I’d call the BYU CAPS and see if I could get into therapy because it felt like what I was “supposed to do” so I could check my suicide boxes. My therapist was the guy who’d helped me pick a major the year before and was this drop-dead gorgeous Hawaiian man who cried when I told him how I’d been feeling.

A few weeks into therapy I met another stunning man with soft eyes and a scruffy illegal-at-BYU beard he kept pushing his luck with. He was funny, kind, patient, married, and wouldn’t give me the time of day if he knew I was crushing on him. We were in my history of psych class, which was inarguably the worst psych class I have ever had, and we studied together for every assignment and test and I realized that my feelings for him and for all the men I’d already mentioned were in direct conflict with my faith and relationship with God. My already agonizing spiritual conflict became even more wretched and as a result of this plus some other tightly-packed experiences with Mormonisms bullshit, I left the church.

After leaving the church I decided to move back to AZ and transfer to ASU. My mom helped me get a dog since I think it had started to dawn on my family that my mental health was barely getting me through the day, and she knew that we both loved dogs. Madi made my last year at BYU livable while I got my shit together and transferred. In that last year, I went on a date with quite possibly the only semi-openly-out trans person on BYU campus. It was not a great date imo, I was not doing well, but the person I spoke with was fun and fascinating and talked to me about Gender Dysphoria and it really cemented my need to go. To leave and never come back to that fucking school.

I started at ASU a month after my last semester at BYU and within a very short time frame it felt like I was coming back together, like a puzzle magically putting itself together in an environment that wasn’t slowly draining that puzzle’s will to live.

On the 4th of July, the year I started at ASU, I saw a transition timeline photo of a gorgeous happy beautiful happy radiant happy woman and her former Mormon missionary self and I realized the light that was on in her eyes was the light that was off in mine. I looked into transitioning for 3 days, sleeping about 10 hours total during that time. I started talking to other trans people on Reddit (one of whom is now my beautiful fiancée @cintailed) and after about a month of making preparations to be disowned and kicked out, something I was not sure would happen but was ready to go through to Turn On The Lights, I came out to my family and it was amazing. I started HRT a month after that. I secretly dated some dorky guys for about a year while I applied to grad schools. I got into a great grad school for me and my needs. I got FFS. I did my trainings and classes. Me and my fiancée moved in together after some LDR shenanigans. We’ve lived together now for 4 years of basically marital bliss. We have a cat named Grandmother Esmeralda Weatherwax who bites the hell out of my feet about three times a day. My bi-cycle continues to be part of my life but now it’s not as scary. Baby gays in my life have started to look to me for advice. Idk how this all happened so fast. When the years, months, weeks, days, and hours seems to crawl by so slowly now they are rushing past me so fast it’s almost bewildering. Whereas before I felt like I was living on borrowed time, past my ‘expiration date,’ now it feels like I can Fucking Breathe. I’m training myself to slow down now and it feels worth it to Live In The Moment.

Idk why I wrote this. Idk why these thoughts only seem to come up on Sundays when I’m supposed to be writing my dissertation. Idk why I’m crying rn or why I feel so happy. I’m gonna post this shit then get on with my dissertation I guess. Read more Terry Pratchett and give yourselves the time you need. Get a pet. Talk to someone. Re-examine the events that brought you here. Be gayer. Love y’all 💕