#gender transition journey

[thecryptidart1st]

What gender dysphoria looks like when your bloodwork came back approved to start horomones, but the doctor you saw wasn’t qualified enough to approve testosterone, and then the virtual visit included 15 minutes of waiting to see a doctor who could approve:

[chrissy-kaos]

Today 9/1/2024 marks my 4 year HRT anniversary!. I don’t have words to express how incredible that feels. I started this journey at 31 now at 35, I can’t believe I’m even here right now. It feels like I just started this journey yesterday. It’s been an adventure to say the least. But I’m so happy I got the courage to take the first step. It’s changed my life so much and I couldn’t be happier! And to think I thought I’d never be pretty at 30+, Oh my gosh was I wrong! I’ve worked so hard to get to this point. If you bust your ass and put the effort in, anything is possible! Never give up! It’s never too late to transition and be the person you’re meant to be!

[imstillalexcomic]

How close to a one to one is your avatar to yourself? Cause it's super cute and if I may say gorgeous. I'd like to know so I have a idea of what my transition goals should be and not over estimate the power of estrogen.

Thank you!!

At the moment, my avatar doesn't look close to me at all!

Current comic me is basically a feminized version of comic me from my old strip, Corpse Run.

Corpse Run Alex:

I'm Still Alex Alex:

I was still buzzing my head even after I started HRT, but I am growing it out now. To see more or less what I look like at the moment, here's a video from a couple years ago, this is still pretty spot on but add a little chest development and less hair on my face now that I've started laser:

[artharakka]

So, how was your weekend? Rhiam met a shapeshifting god of forests who transed her gender 🌷

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

TRANSITION UPDATE

So I thought I’d post an update about what I’m thinking about transition and what I want to do.

Most of this is stuff I’m pretty sure about but still processing as it can feel really overwhelming but it’s also exciting to think about, especially when I don’t freak myself out fixating on the parts that are overwhelming.

While I’m not ready to get all these things done tomorrow they are things I want in the future.

- Top surgery, this is a big one (possibly the biggest for me) and I think I’ve even found a surgeon I would most likely want to go to. I’m going to try to save up to hopefully cover the 30% my insurance won’t cover. I think ideally I would want this in the next year but we’ll see how things turn out I guess.

- Hysterectomy, this is actually something I’ve thought about for a while before realizing I was trans and it’s not my biggest priority but it’s the least intimidating to me because I’ve already had a long time to process the idea. This is simple, I don’t want biological kids, pregnancy is deeply disturbing to me and my worst fear, having those organs hurts, my mom has endometriosis and I think I could too so might as well get rid of everything, no periods- everything about this is easy for me except deciding exactly what parts to remove.

- HRT, I know for a lot of people this is the first medical intervention they have but I still have mixed feelings personally. For me surgery is easier to process because it mainly affects one thing but HRT causes so many changes I feel like I need to work out how I feel about each potential one. I’ve thought a lot about T and starting at lower levels to ease my way into it or taking it temporarily for a couple years to get the changes I want. The best way I can describe my feelings is that I’m not totally sure yet but I’m feeling more sure that I’ll get to a place where I am comfortable with it.

- Bottom surgery, zero interest I prefer what I have and am way too scared to deal with such an intense procedure anyways. Although I am coming around to the idea of bottom growth being gender affirming and less terrifying- also packing is great.

- Name change, makes me sad to think of not using my birth name anymore as it was obviously a huge part of my life and identity and I will miss it but it also doesn’t feel like it fits anymore so I’ll stop going by it when I come out even if it’s a little bittersweet. Also I’m feeling pretty settled on Caden at the moment :)

- Clothes, I’ve been slowly collecting more masculine clothes and I have more options now that I don’t hate although there’s a lot of things that were from discount racks that aren’t a hundred percent my style and I still don’t have a lot I really like but it’s improving and it’s a work in progress.

- Haircut, I’m happy not having long hair but still deliberating on a style, right now I have an undercut and the top is a bit longer, it’s not blended. Currently I’m debating between trying to grow it out a bit to have like messy surfer vibes hair that’s just on the back of my neck and shorter in the front or going shorter and more masculine. Will probably go shorter once I decide on a style, at least until I start T and look more masculine so I’ll feel more comfortable with longer hair.

That’s it for today, I would love to do an update more about my feelings at some point as well but it’s still a lot and this was easier to write.

[saphig-iawn]

Day 17 of Turning me into Me

I think I've achieved a milestone in my journey, I became the subject of office gossip!

I am fairly open at my place of work and I've been telling the people I want to tell that I am trans. I prefer that. It means I get to connect with that person and let them know that I'm inviting them in to a part of my life that I want them in. I've had sincere comings out where I wished they were family, I've had comings out where the person has actually reciprocated and invited me in to their life. I've had funny and abrupt comings out to keep things light and funny. Unfortunately because of how my work.. uh, works, there are some people I've missed and I didn't want to come out via message because it felt so impersonal.

Well it turns out that the person I wanted to come out to got whisper of my news and it actually made coming out to them much more fun. They were lamenting to a colleague that they hadn't seen me in so long, and as they got to chatting they went "well didn't you hear the big thing about [old name]?" and they asked what big thing, "well [old name] is trans, shaved the beard and everything". Well that day I got a lot of messages on Discord of "holy shit this is so amazing!!! what's your name? have you got clothes? aaaaAAHHHH!" I didn't mind being outed, although I think its a strong word in this case, as my workplace is quite safe. It was so endearing.

I saw them today, and I managed to finish coming out to them. I managed to tell them how much I adored them, and how I wanted to just share so much with them, and how I was going to steal their look because it was so good, all the stuff I couldn't tell them before. They were so happy I could be this emotional with them. But they had to leave before I could get to the more complex stuff, so we're having a catch up soon.

I am so happy that I have people in my life that just want to celebrate. They want to cherish and embrace, they embody everything that I couldn't. But now I can, and I am so much happier.

[pupintransit]

Something fun i've noticed in the last couple days is that the novelty of my pussy has worn off.

I mean, realistically that's the goal right? You go through untold eons of feeling wrong about your body, you take the opportunity to correct it, and by X units of time it feels normal. Like you've always had this body, like walking around and simply vibing was always your reality. I remember that I possessed a penis and testes and i remember what they looked like on my body, but how they felt is becoming more and more of a distant memory.

My vulva feels natural to me now. I think all of the mental remapping my brain had to do in order to get accustomed to the change is over and done with. My folds and textures are second nature to me now, like i can look at myself in a mirror and think "Yes, I know what that part of me is supposed to look and feel like now, i don't actually have to reach down there to find it."

I reach down anyway of course. Have i mentioned how much fun masturbating is yet? I could literally do it for hours now and it feels just as natural as jerking my cock did. Moreso!

I'm taking a minute now and trying to remember the feeling of my balls dangling between my legs. I can describe it; sweaty, delicate, loose if the temperature was a little too warm. It sort of felt like a floppy stress ball that you weren't supposed to squeeze too tightly. I can recall, too, how those physical sensations made me feel, and remembering is making me physically uncomfortable already. Now though, when i turn my minds eye toward my body those sensations are absent. Of course they would be, right? I don't have those parts anymore. But I did for 30 whole ass years. It was a fundamental component of my being, and now i can only recall those feelings if i but an active effort into doing so. How dope is that shit?

I know folks who have said that their pre-op memories get changed ever so slightly after they get gender affirming surgery. Say you're thinking about a vacation you were on were the shower in your hotel wasn't working, and you get blasted with freezing water when it should have been nice and warm. That version of you would have your post-op or post-HRT body instead of what you had back when that memory was formed. That's so interesting to me! I'm not at that stage yet but i'm really excited to see if it's something i experience.

I think now's a good moment to mention something, and against my better judgement I'll probably write about how this relates to The Discourse™️ of my flavour of nonbinary, but your dysphoria doesn't actually have to be crippling in order to qualify to gender affirming care. I could still masturbate and wash myself pre-op without significant distress, for example. You don't have to "earn" it by proving you're sufficiently. If HRT or gender affirming surgery would improve your quality of life, if you can explain that without lying to your care providers and demonstrate you understand the medical risks, then that's all you need to do to "earn" your medical care. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you, even if they themselves are transgender.

Especially if they themeselves are transgender.

If you're pushing back against nonbinary indenities, or people "inventing" new genders, labels, and definitions, or even just against kink in the trans community, i hate to tell you that it won't make the people oppressing us think you're one of the good ones. Us living authentically isn't setting the trans acceptance movement back, it's what it's supposed to allow us to do in the first place. I would really encourage you to rexamine why you have those beliefs, and why me getting a cunt installed as someone who passes as cisgender constitutes a net negative for our community.

Anyway that concludes the ranting portion of today's mini-essay.

Every time i think i've hit an apex with my joy it keeps getting stronger and stronger. This is the best decision i've ever made, not just because it made my body finally make sense to me, but because it made feeling normal so boring. I can't ask for a better outcome than that.

[slimsizzy]

weirdly one of my favorite anime’s is Blue Period on netflix. mostly for the nostalgia of art classes and art school it gives me to the point i’m emotional. but also for the fact that there is a canon trans character that isn’t just forever written as cross dressing.

[cowboah-baby]

before starting my transition and while is was in my ex-relationship i was really into the thought of the "other half" and another person completing me. i was devastated when the divorce came (because my baseline was just being unhappy with myself) but now that i know who i am and i'm living true to my wants and needs.... i feel like a full human being who would be happy if someone shared this with me but i am no longer looking for someone to "complete" me. i am a full human!

[bookmothic-dyke]

Made this at like midnight instead of sleeping. It’s a rough timeline. Went to bed shortly after.

My gender settled… but then it got less binary lol.

[thatonetransmascdude]

(Figured I would start off this gender journey blog with a poem)

Wrong name

The substitute teacher is taking attendance

I’m waiting to hear my name,

The name I always felt was grayer than a rain cloud,

The name that never fit my puzzle.

I accidentally went to scratch my nose as she spoke a masculine name.

She looked at me when she repeated the name,

Looking at me,

Thinking it was me

And for a moment,

Just a moment,

It was me.

[tea-and-secrets]

i've lived as a transmasc person for about three years, and lately i've had monthly meetings with a gender affirming care team at a hospital in my city. but also lately i've been questioning my gender identity. i don't really know if i experience gender dysphoria anymore or if i actually want testosterone and top surgery and stuff. i think i have changed a lot since i started my (only social) transition. i know it's ok to change labels but i feel so guilty for taking up the time and resources of this care team when i know there are so many people who need it more. i just feel so lost and don't know what to do :/ i hope every other trans person has a good june though!!

.

[smilepaint]

anyway the concept of passing is a scam. we will never be liberated until the idea that a trans person's inherent value and worth and validity is directly proportional to their resemblance to a cis person. and i say this not just to those who struggle to or do not fit into that box, but to those who very much do and are counting themselves lucky.

the same way that its unhealthy and unreasonable to expect a same gender couple to conform to notions of what a heterosexual family should be, its unhealthy and unreasonable to have to expect a transgender experience of identity and a transgender body to conform to a cisgender ideal. not only does it further the marginalisation of trans people and drive a wedge in our community, but it's an unhealthy way to see the world and relate to yourself. its not fair to expect a human being to go their whole life in states of checking the value of their body and their life against a societally imposed, often unattainable model that may not even reflect their own desires or goals.

it's tough, i know how tough it is to go against everything you've been taught, and the right to seek medical intervention to reshape ourselves in a way that deepens and solidifies our connection to our bodies is and will always be important. but for your own mental health, whatever shape you take must reflect yourself first. not a cis persons. transition is about making a home out of the body you're living in, in whatever way works for you.

you deserve the mental freedom that comes with removing "passing" from your emotional radar entirely. trans bodies are good bodies.

[subsequentibis]

it's a good thing to question your identity and try out a lot of different labels and see what fits and be welcome to change over time, but also sometimes you end up as a fully gay man who owns a bunch of lesbian pride stuff, and on the one hand of course you support lesbians but on the other hand you feel like a lesbian would be better suited to own this stuff. but then your friend goes hey turns out i'm a girl and like girls and you're like thank GOD. do you want some merch about it

[saphig-iawn]

Day 8 of Turning me into Me

And there I was thinking that I was making progress, but it seems that is not the case. To save my dad dropping by to pick something up and forcing me into boymode I decide to use my daily walk to drop the thing off for him, just a flying visit. It was not a flying visit...

After my conversation with my family I was, while feeling a bit whelmed, positive that things were going to move in the right direction. That that bottleneck on my life as Me felt widened by their response and voice of support. But today felt like a step back because I was pulled into their house and my mum wanted to "make sure she was understood."

"I don't want every conversation we have to be about.. this" she said, "that we could go back to- not normal, but you know what I mean, normal?"

well...

"I don't want you to worry about labels because people don't need to use labels all the time.."

oh...

"And I don't want you to lose your happy place you're in right now until you talk to professionals about this..."

No, you don't tell me how I'm living, here!

So I told her that I'm already speaking to professionals and support groups and I'm meeting people and we're sharing our journey Being on the path to finding things out IS part of my happiness.

She got the message... but then I assumed she got the message last time. But I feel her sentiments are clear. My learning about myself and who I am isn't something she wants to hear, it isn't something that she wants to share with me. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should've just played things straighter, with less smoke and mirrors, but then I remember that someone told me they loved me unconditionally and then I told them how I felt about myself and that changed. That constant in my life became blurred. She's is honestly more excited than I'm losing weight (hate that fucking term) than understanding myself. That my path ahead of me is an aberration and a choice. I was an aberration the whole time, mum, for over 2 decades I was at a tilt, I was adrift. But I'm not an aberration any more.

I am Me.

[pupintransit]

Last week marked my return to work following my gender affirming surgery and it was surprising in ways i hadn't anticipated.

A few things have been easy to predict. For one, getting used to a less active lifestyle while on medical leave definitely impacted my stamina. Once i have a few more paycheques under my belt I'll splurge on a gym membership to work back up to pre-surgery levels. New clients and new coworkers were also pretty easy to see coming, but I'm fairly personable all things considered so that won't be too much of a challenge. Instead, what i believe i'm experiencing is a culture shock.

The first signal that things were gonna be a little different was the office bathroom. I don't know if it was because of the design of the toilet or how my body was shaped, but p when i sat down to pee when i was pre-op i had to aim my dick down more toward the bowl in case my stream did the thing (y'all penis havers know what i'm talking about), lest it hit the rim of the toilet. Obviously this is no longer a problem I have but subconsciously I found myself guiding my hand down to aim a penis that was no longer there. I think it was muscle memory being triggered from using the space when i was pre-op cuz i haven't had that experience before now. It was weird!

Something else that has been perculiar is that i think for the first time i've really been cognizant of my lack of cock and balls. I think it's because i'm up and about every morning instead of only when i had to go somewhere like when i was on med leave. Walking around with a buldge in my pants was distracting and upsetting because i was always aware it was there in a way that cisgender men simply are not. I don't know if it's because i'm out and about more often or if it's because seeing my workplace again prompted those memories to emerge again, but i catch myself occasionally feeling like i should have that discomfort. Like it's weird that don't have the hyperawareness anymore.

That's different from gender euphoria for me. It's more like a reverse dysphoria if that makes sense? The lack of a negative stimuli sometimes causes me to feel uncomfortable. Which is such a wild concept for me! I feel happier and more at peace with my body except for certain instances when i'm reminded that my body doesn't make me miserable anymore.

Weird for different reasons was hearing, seeing, and speaking my dead name again. I dont typically talk about the social aspect of my transition as often as the physical side, but for reference I am out and open as nonbinary. My friends know, my parents know, and the coworkers i had before going on med leave (as well as the few that are still around) knew. Despite my very masculine gender presentation i am perceived as transgender by the majority of the people I interact with.

On med leave i barely used my dead name at all, but because i wanted to wait until my name is legally changed before updating my work info it's still the same. Which means i have to intro all my emails and phone calls with a name i'm not longer used to hearing. It also means that the newer staff members who i don't have a vibe with to feel comfortable coming to just yet also call me by that name. Of course they would, it's on all my paperwork.

When I first started using my current name it felt foreign, almost like i was lying to people when i introduced myself to them. Obviously I'd been using my dead name my entire life up to that point so it was as much an adjustment for me as it was for other people. Now, having been in a lifestyle where my dead name essentially didn't exist, i feel something akin to culture shock to hear spoken again. Where previously my current name felt inauthentic and made me feel awkward, my old name now feels borderline offensive and is kind of a bummer to still use.

Now luckily the bosses and coworkers that i'm out to have universally been the chillest people about it. They put in an effort to use my current name over my legal name, and have checked my pronouns if they weren't sure. It helps that i work for a company that's essentially a charity organization, which attracts a lot of progressive-minded individuals. I can't say for certain i would have had the same affirming environment if i were still working in construction labour or hospitality, and i recognize that's not a luxury everyone has. Don't feel like you have to come out at work if you don't feel safe to!

Anyway.

It's been a smooth enough transition back to work for me. I never thought i'd say it but i was looking forward to going back. It was starting to get pretty boring being stuck at home!