#gender dysphoria’s been bad lately :(

[pasta-yy]

i give he ponytail!!!

[murderandcoffee]

I finally have a binder again and I KNOW I shouldn't wear it to my tattoo appointment tomorrow but GOD do I want to

[reikunrei]

:/

[mechawolfie]

is there an alternative to dykefag/fagdyke for people who aren’t attracted to anyone really. like i just want the gender of it

[fishermannumberfive]

.

[helieosphere]

cw: gender dysphoria, long form vent

just some things about being trans and feeling immense amount of distance from people in general

Something that I've noticed over the two years I've been openly trans is how everyone treats you especially when your expression is non-conforming.

I describe myself as a more feminine guy cause that's who I want to be. I found comfort in my own femininity through identifying more closely with my masculinity and it's been great for my overall well-being. But, even when people acknowledge you as trans, hearing those who know better slip up constantly makes me feel dejected. It's actually worse when people who I trust don't help me correct it and instead, pressure me into doing so. I am super exhausted being a trans person in this world.

Although I know the misgendering is never in a malicious way, it sends an internalized message to me that I'll never truly be seen as who I am. Like damn, no wonder social interacts have rarely excited me! I just don't meet people who are willing to meet me where I'm at. It's always me extending my hand to others and I experience huge amounts of empathy burn out to the point where I'm not sure where it is anymore. I would much rather lock myself in a room and not face the outside world sometimes cause it's just easier for my conscious.

Like sometimes, I just imagine if I was simply just a cis dude how much easier friendships would be for me, and how I'd just feel so much better wanting to connect with others. I've been feeling horrible lately because it hurts knowing I'm being singled out cause of my identity. THEN I get into a terrible people pleaser mindset and its a gross and ugly cycle that makes me feel like dirt. AND THEN I don't really know how friendships are supposed to be. All this time, they felt like a game in which I just didn't say the right thing at the right time and bam, it's over. I constantly feel like all my interactions are a tightrope that is about to break on me at any moment and that's just something I got to unpack and work on especially considering I think I'm terribly annoying when I talk and so reaching out feels like a burden to another person. LIKE in no way is that healthy!

so yeah idk...tl;dr i've been feeling like garbage about my gender for a bit but I wasn't exactly sure on how to deal with it so I put my feelings into this long winded tumblr post cause it's basically the breaking point for me. I'm doing terrible but we're hanging in there.

[dilfsuzanneyk]

.

[maticide666]

me: i think i can live closeted for a bit longer irl. it shouldn't be that bad, right?

also me: *looks for any excuse to wear a hoodie and beanie* *replays doki doki literature club on a hacked 3ds* *deletes savefile after unofficial 3ds port fucks up name due to the accent and starts over with unaccented name* *has gender euphoria the whole time after being addressed in game* *nearly cooks head while wearing a beanie* *daydreams about being called my chosen name* *considers drawing the ddlc mc as a version of himself from high school*

[ocaledonia]

lately i've been doing a lot of thinking about why women are the main supporters of transgenderism, and i think i've boiled it down to three main elements

1. women are socialised to be more accommodating and accepting of uncomfortable situations than men are. this has been discussed at length in the radical feminist tradition and the gender critical movement, but it bears reiterating. women are taught from early childhood to disbelieve their feelings of fear, anger and humiliation for the benefit of men.

2. i'd argue that the description of physical dysphoria is one that almost all women empathise with, because of how alienated women are from their bodies by society, in a way most men are not. even women who would say they are comfortable with their bodies have complicated feelings about having a female body in our society, even if they don't have the framework to express it. therefore, when women are confronted with men who make claims about sex dysphoria, they relate and empathise and some can draw conclusions that this distress aligns them with femaleness (i would argue that all women experience sex dysphoria in a misogynist society like ours but i digress). i think there many women also find solace in the idea that someone else could possibly have their physical distress alleviated and want to believe it is possible to find a solution to it.

In other words, “The body has been made so problematic for women that it has often seemed easier to shrug it off and travel as a disembodied spirit.” - Adrienne Rich

3. women want to believe that male oppression and men aren't really that bad. to comprehend the scale of women's oppression, and to fully understand that the men you know and love are as complicit in it as any other, feels like balancing on the brink of madness. women are desperate for evidence that things aren't as bad as they suspect.

Andrea Dworkin says it best: “Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships.”

that is part of the allure of the trans movement for these women in denial. breaking down the categories of male and female, and denying the social dynamics therein, means they don't have to grapple with the ugliness of misogyny.

anyone else have thoughts on this? i'd be keen to hear if others on radblr think

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello! I just wanted to say I stumbled across one of your posts and ended up looking through the trans tag in your blog for a while and idk it felt so so nice to see a middle aged trans guy just living life and being there for others who are at earlier points of their own trans related journeys, and I hope I can look as awesome as you and be as comfortable in my own skin and style and everything when I'm older.

I guess I also wanted to ask if you had any insight or advice about a couple things, if you're willing to share.. First thing is, did you ever struggle with passing but looking much younger than your age and that somewhat affecting your perception of yourself? I'm 28 and I started T 11 months ago (though at a pretty low dose because I wanted slow changes) and my face just recently started visibly shifting to a more masculine contour and I love it, but I still don't really look like a 28 year old guy.

I've always passed easily even before T but people think I'm like 18-21 max. Things were fine while I was in college (I came out at 19 so for a while my face just felt fitting enough and didn't make me feel either dysphoric or in a weird age limbo) but every year it feels more frustrating and makes me feel sort of alienated from myself including in mental ways, like I'm just a little kid who can't grow up. Like I'll never look like a "real guy" even though I can be stealth because I look like a weird teen and not like a grown up man. It's especially bad when I look at my amab younger siblings who are now also adults and see how I "should have looked" in some other life if I was cis. I guess maybe that's just another manifestation of dysphoria that I didn't have to deal with before? Did you ever experience something like that? And if yes did it get better after some years on T or how did you deal with it?

The other thing is just.. internalized transphobia. It's one thing to know things in a logical or intellectual sense but it's so hard to really feel and believe it sometimes and let go of all the awful transphobic stuff my family said to me during the first years of me being out. I just kept going anyway because I needed to be true to myself and my family basically bullying me wasn't gonna just magically change how I felt about my gender, but what it did do is put my already low confidence and self esteem (in this context regarding my gender) down on the floor. And sometimes I still just think and worry "what if they were right and I was wrong and I'll never be real and valid because of x y z", "what if I'm just delusional", "what if I'm a ridiculous freak". I know, in a way, that no I'm not. I'm just a trans person and they're just transphobes. But feelings like that just get to me sometimes and I don't really know what to do about them even nearly 10 years after coming out. Does that get better at some point? Just like you kinda stop giving a shit what people think about you in general as you get older? But how can you change those internalized views affecting what you think of yourself?

Bit nervous about asking this stuff tbh, so sorry it was so long also sorry if I worded any of it in a not so great way.

I will say though, that seeing older trans people like you does help a little bit. Just makes it feel like "hell yeah I wanna be like him when I grow up". So thank you for showing me that today ;u; (and also for inspiring me to put a little more thought and effort into my styling and fashion choices haha)

Heya, Anon! Let's see what I can cover here:

Looking young.

Oh my god, yes. I was getting carded to buy superglue and spray paint well into my late 30s (I started T at 33). When my partner first asked me out for a date, they were worried I wasn't old enough to drink yet (I was 36).

This is me 1 year on T, age 34.

Years 6 & 7 (ages 39 and 40), is when I feel I started looking older.

I feel like it's only been recently, 14 years in at 47, that I look in my 40s, and a "mature" adult. My beard finally getting full helped, as did my receding hairline. And I feel like my skin texture has toughened up enough, to where wrinkles show more.

That said, yes, it is tough and annoying to deal with. Even when people tell me I look like a particular cis man (where I actually see the resemblance, lol), when I look at us side-by-side, I feel like I'm just a pale shadow of him. I feel jealous and dysphoric, even while I'm flattered by the comparison. I wonder what I "should" look like, and it feels like something has been stolen from me. Its a roller coaster of emotions.

That feeling never really goes away, but you need to afford yourself some grace. You're going to be your own worst critic, and I guarantee you that, of many cis men you grew up with, you can probably still see the kid in them. So of course, you're going to see the kid in yourself.

But, you also just need to let time run its course. HRT is a marathon, and a lot of changes don't really settle for about 5 or 6 years.

I hate to say "enjoy it while you can" because I sure as hell bristled at being mistaken for a teenager or barely 20 when I was in my 30s. But do enjoy what you can of it. Because once you hit middle age, you're going to start dealing with a strange intersection of dysphoria and aging that I myself am still trying to navigate.

One other way I help myself get over negative feelings is to think of how differently my life would have been if I were cis. I honestly worry I would have been a worse person; even though being trans creates a lot of obstacles in my life, I feel like it's been a net gain: being able to know myself so well and help others learn about themselves.

Internalized transphobia

This got better for me with age. My epiphany was that, even over a decade into my transition, I was still softening myself for the benefit of friends and family. I was still using my gender-neutral birthname (I only recently changed it). I would call myself a "person", "guy", or "dude", instead of a "man". I dressed on the young and casual side, eschewing full-on masculine outfits like proper suits with ties.

I only recently pulled myself out of this. It still is a habit-in-progress to refer to myself as a man, even though I have always felt like one. And I've started to dress more vintage, not just because of hyper fixations, but because it's a way to lean into a presentation that is unequivocally, "this is a middle-aged man". And it's done a lot of good for my mental health.

What I'd suggest is to see if you are holding yourself back in any way wrt your gender presentation or how you talk/think about yourself. Give yourself full permission to acknowledge that you are a man, full stop. You're a young man, sure. But still a man, and a full-ass adult at that.

I hope some of this helps. Transition gives us a unique toolset for examining who we are and how we want to move through the world, and that work certainly doesn't end after finally getting on HRT. <3

[inkylizard]

Since my top surgery posts seem to be going over really well, and since I owe my gender awareness to Tumblr in the first place, let me do one of these:

If you've been on the fence about taking a gender-affirming action (for reasons other than personal safety) - hormones or surgery or wearing the pretty thing - let this be your sign to go for it.

Y'all, I'm turning 40 next month, and I definitely had some moments of doubt in the last few years where I felt like I was getting to surgery really late on, and worried about that. I doubted whether my dysphoria was bad enough. All your classics.

There is no such thing as too late. If your gut says it will make you happier, believe it. If it's within your means, do the thing.

I'm having a remarkably easy recovery and my dysphoria was particularly easy to resolve and I know there are a lot of more complicated situations than mine. I just. I feel happy in my body for the first time in 25 years, and I want that for all of us, y'know? I want that for you, queer family.

[befemininenow]

Even though our younger days are gone, we’re also glad that those darker days are left in the past. At an older age, we’re confident enough to fulfill those wishes of our younger selves while stronger enough to challenge those who wish to kick us back into hiding. Let’s just bring back the fun retro stuff instead of the bad stuff that shaped the past.

This picture dates back to 2007. I was barely a teenager during this time period and my signs of being trans were also starting to be noticeable. One of those signs is feeling jealous of girls like the ones in the pic. I didn’t know what gender envy was while my knowledge of transgender was limited to gender bender transformations at best. While their fashion sense wasn’t really the best, I had a soft spot for these girls and in my mind, I really wished I woke up one day transforming into one of these girls.

Nowadays, we have much more knowledge of what being trans means and HRT access is more readily available today than in 2007. Trans people born that year will finally become adults in 2025 and unfortunately a lot of them are currently unable to take even basic HRT due to a flood of anti-trans laws being enacted in several states and counties to people under 18. There have been horrific spikes in $uicide attempts among trans kids since these laws have been active. I don’t even want to know what post-2025 will look like for trans people in general, regardless of age.

It sucks because I can recall how bad my dysphoria was as a kid. I would spend an unhealthy chunk of my free time looking at gender benders on DeviantArt, YouTube, or stuff like Mashiro’s Castle wishing it would happen to me one day. It wasn’t until the early 2010s that I had a better idea of what being trans was. But by then, I was already becoming an adult. I survived, but unfortunately I can’t say the same for other trans kids and trans people that are no longer with us.

The only thing I can do now is keep going and fulfill any possible void I can at an older age. Just to give you an idea, these girls aren’t teenagers. They’re over 27 years old in this pic and they’re currently well into their mid-40s. Yet, their outfits definitely seem like the typical teenage stuff I saw growing up. It isn’t strange to see girls in their late 20s-early 30s today looking like teens due to their looks, clothing, and sometimes personality. Those of us at that age range tend to inspire the younger generations and create something even bigger. In my case, I rather do this my way and become the best trans girl (or woman) I dreamed of being. So what if I’m a little too old to wear an alt outfit? I’m going to wear what I want!

If you’re reading this long rant and flashback Friday moment of mines, I just want you to know to keep going. It isn’t the end yet. It’s just the beginning of something new.

[green-alm0nd]

How each of the Bad Batch would react to

“I’m just so stupid! How can you possibly want to be around me?” Female / Male / GN Reader exclaims in tears.

+ possible Rex and other clones

[The Bad Batch x trans!male!reader (Headcanons)]: Light in the dark (+ Rex, Howzer & Fives)

----

----

Summary:

You've been feeling very self-conscious lately. Your favourite clone is there to comfort you.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Angst, trans reader, mentions of gender dysphoria, self hatred, mentions of mental breakdowns, overwhelming thoughts, comfort, established relationship. Not proofread. Kinda self indulgent but it doesn't really matter.

A/N: I was looking for one of these type of requests for pride month heehee

Enjoy!

----

HUNTER:

Hunter could feel something odd happening around you. He knew you had been struggling with gender dysphoria for a long time, and that odd feeling was the one he used to assign whenever you felt that dysphoria crawling back up.

So, he ran. He ran towards your shared bunk with a slight hint of worry on his heart. He found you crying, sitting down, probably in the middle of a mental breakdown, clenching your chest with tears in your eyes.

He kneeled down, looking into your eyes and asking what was wrong, before you said in tears:

"I'm just so stupid! How can you possibly want to be around me?"

His eyes widened and a pang on his chest brought him back to the gravity of the situation.

He placed his arms around your figure, hugging you tightly.

"You're not stupid. You're amazing, you're resilient. And I love you because of that. I want to be around you, you're an awesome person. Never forget that, trooper." He said.

That gave you enough comfort to believe his words.

ECHO:

Echo came back from a long mission, and headed to your bunk. It was clear that something had happened, since he heard your sobs from across the door. He know you've struggled after you came out as trans, and he's been supportive throughout the entire path. Still, he know it's hard to keep it fine sometimes.

He opened the door, and saw you crying, hugging your arms, with your head low. The clone's expression softened, slowly walking closer to make you know he was there and in order not to scare you.

He sat down besides you, wrapping an arm around your small figure before he heard you say:

"I'm just so stupid! How can you possibly want to be around me?"

To this, his eyes widened, and he pulled you even closer, letting you cry.

"That's not true...you're not stupid. You're a brave man, and I love you so much for that." He said, kissing your forehead.

Echo is not a fan of physical touch, whether it's given or received. However, in moments like this, he doesn't mind giving you physical affection for as long as you'd like.

And you love him for that.

WRECKER:

He knows something is wrong immediately. He may act silly, but he's not dumb. He knows when you're feeling down, and he's been with you every single time you broke down in tears. He's the same with his brothers: he's the glue that kept Crosshair and Hunter from fighting so many times. He's the glue that kept you away from hurting most of the time.

Wrecker knew you were trans. He once tried to beat up a guy for misgendering you, but it's not like he can do that every time because 1) He'll draw attention to himself and the Bad Batch is not on the position to draw attention, and 2) It will make Hunter upset and won't let him go eat Mantell mix with you and Omega.

He opened the door, and saw you on the floor, hugging your knees. He felt his heart beat faster, concern washing all over his face. He also got worried when he heard you say:

"I'm just so stupid! How could you possibly want to be around me?"

To this, he gave you the biggest hug he's ever given you. He never really knew what boundaries were, he didn't know that word existed. But, he wasn't good at keeping boundaries when it came to hugging in middle of panic attacks, but he just had to do it because it's the only way he shows comfort.

"Come here. You're okay, you're fine. You're not stupid, you're pretty dang smart! And besides, who will I share Mantell Mix with whole Omega isn't here if it isn't you?" He said.

That definitely made you laugh.

TECH:

This man has, of course, studied about your emotions. When you feel them, what that emotion is associated to/with, if there's a reason it even 'triggered' whether it's positive or negative...

Like I said, he has studied your emotions. And it doesn't take a handsome man, with brown hair and goggles to understand and see that you're not doing well based on your position, and the tears flowing in your face. And, you told him you were trans and still struggling with gender dysphoria, so he figured it was linked to that this time.

He also understands why, but he is surprised when he hears you say:

"I'm just so stupid! How could you possibly want to be around me!"

Tech gets very uncomfortable when it comes to showing physical affection. Though there's small moments when he doesn't mind showing his love for you.

"Sarad, I do not think you're thinking clearly. You are not stupid, nor anything similar. You are a valuable team member and this group could not have done remarkable things without you. I also feel rather flattered when I find out that you listen to me when I speak. Which is something Crosshair lacks on, for example." He explained, awkwardly placing an arm around you.

He's very awkward when it comes to this stuff but he doesn't mind giving a thirty minute rant on how much he appreciates and loves you.

CROSSHAIR:

This man notices everything. He may not have Hunter's enhanced senses nor Tech's ability to notice things based on actions; but he has the eye of a hawk and a sharp mind. Of course, he knew you were trans. And it wasn't the first time that he had seen you break down and be mad at yourself. He tried multiple times to change that, and he still tries.

He enters your shared room, keeping some distance between you two to give you space, especially since you were crying and breaking down, hugging yourself while you sat on the bed. His gaze softened when he heard you say:

"I'm just so stupid! How could you possibly want to be around me?"

He slowly got closer, to the point where he sat down on the bed and gave the side of your forehead a small kiss.

"I've felt the same for a long time, and those thoughts bring no good for you. Trust me." He said, staring at you. Crosshair grabbed your chin, and forced you to look at him.

"You...gave me a second chance when no one did. I owe you that, and much more." He swore.

He gave you another kiss on your forehead before he placed an arm around you.

REX (bonus)

Now, Rex doesn't have enhanced senses, a great mind nor an eye of a hawk. But, he has a big heart and more than half of it belongs to you. You and the clone have been dating for a while, and he can tell when you're not doing alright. Especially, when you told him that sometimes gender dysphoria gets a bit hard to handle.

He come back to your shared barrack, only to see you crying with your back against the wall, curled in a ball. He quickly closed the door, and ran towards you.

He kneeled down, asking if you were okay, before he heard the words:

"I'm just so stupid! How could you possibly want to be around me?"

He pulled you close, hugging you tightly before he let go, and smothered your face with kisses.

"I can't believe you're saying that! You're not stupid! You're beautiful!" He said, between kisses.

"I love being around you, sarad! You're one of the best thins that's ever happened to me! Of course I want to be around you!" He exclaimed.

HOWZER (bonus)

Howzer is like Rex. He came back from a tiring mission on Ryloth, and he only wanted to see you. However, it broke his heart to see you cry, and to see how bad you were doing. He felt guilty for not being there that often, since he was always in missions.

He took off his chest plate, and sat down next to you. He waited for you to speak, but when you didn't speak for a long time, he opened his mouth for you to say:

"I'm just so stupid! How could you possibly want to be around me?"

He placed an arm around you, pulling you closer to his chest.

"Don't listen to the voices, please." He whispered, hugging you.

He knows you've struggled with gender dysphoria, and he's tried to make the voices smaller. However, he knows it's not always easy, and that they come out pretty often.

"You're an amazing person. Those who don't want to be around you don't know what they're losing. You're a great friend, and a pretty great boyfriend too." He reassured.

FIVES (bonus)

Fives used to be the type of boyfriend to distract you from the voices by doing things together: watching a holomovie, playing games, etc. However, when he realised your body dysphoria was getting worse, he knew he had to change his strategy. He bought you a few binders a long time ago, and you've used them plenty of times.

He still hated to see you cry. Especially when you sounded so broken. Though, Fives always came to the rescue. This time, too.

He entered your shared apartment, and saw you sobbing on the sofa. He approached you and hugged you close, but his eyes widened when he heard you say:

"I'm just so stupid! How could you possibly want to be around me?"

His expression softened, and he forced you to look at him by placing his hands on your cheeks.

"I won't let you say that, 'aight? You're far from stupid! You're smart, brave and strong. Heck, the entire 501st wants to meet you! They adore you and so do I!" He said, with a soft smile.

----

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

As a trans male boy, I feel so proud that there's a month of representation for me, and for others like me!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your request anon! Stay safe and remember to drink water!

[butchpeace]

hi, sorry to bother, feel free to ignore this. but i would like some advice?

we actually don’t agree on a lot of views on trans people and identity, but i promise i’m really not here to fight, i just thought it might seem relevant to some things i say, and it also seems important to mention that if i thought it was the right thing for me, i would transition.

what i’d like to know is: how do i deal with dysphoria? i don’t want to transition. i don’t know if i’d be happier in my body (very probably not, i’d feel worse), but i don’t want to be a man or be perceived as one. i hate (cis) men, and i don’t even like talking to them, let alone being perceived by them as one of them, or by others. i mean, i want a wife some day, and i’d really like for us fo be and come across as a gay couple, because that’s what we would be.

but i really am dysphoric. it comes and goes a lot, but sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks and i can’t stop thinking of it. i’ve even started thinking that i should start binding. some of it is the belief that the way i am (for one: my hair and my taste in clothes) would be “cooler” on a man, or less degrading, maybe? i’m very sad with the state of women in this world. every time i see gender roles reinforced (even in minuscule ways) or misogyny go unnoticed i feel terrible. i know these are not reasons to change my body/name and uproot my entire life, though. i’m not even gender non-conforming. i’m definitely more feminine than i am masculine.

but some of it is genuine dysphoria. i’m envious of (skinny) men’s bodies way more than i am of women’s, and the especially thin one constantly trigger my eating disorder, which is really bad because i could never look like them, no matter how much (if i ever relapsed) i tried.

It’s been distressing lately. I’ve wanted to pick up the genderqueer label (i know it wouldn’t make me any less of a woman socially, and that gender doesn’t exist, but i feel that it could make sense for people who feel like me? i feel like it could take a huge weight off my shoulders, but i also feel like i’d just be reinforcing gender roles and giving in to misogyny), i even considered using neutral pronouns online. but honestly, there is such little nuance in the trans community when it comes to sex and misogyny, and i could never participate in that or relate to the people who also identify that way. it just feels like i can’t be happy no matter where i stand, and I don’t know of a way forward. i’m scared that i’ll feel like this for the rest of my life.

You won’t feel like this forever - I promise.

It sounds like you already know what’s causing your dysphoria - Discomfort with the way women (and you) are perceived and treated in a patriarchal world. I know you don’t agree with all my opinions, but I believe that there is nothing deeper than that. I don’t think that gender dysphoria would exist for women, or that you would feel this way, if we didn’t live in a misogynistic world. I don’t think there’s anything innate or biological in your brain that causes dysphoria, it’s all social. Which means that in the right environment, you wouldn’t feel that way.

And it sounds like you already know that using neutral pronouns and a genderqueer label won’t really do anything to change the way you feel. Binding might make you feel more comfortable, but at what cost? Many women end up with pain and rib problems from binding, and it causes the skin and tissue of your breasts to break down and sag. You seem like you already know these aren’t the steps that will lead you to self acceptance and happiness.

My advice is to find lesbian spaces and gnc female friends. Look at art and photography and listen to music made by and for lesbians and gender nonconforming women. I know you said you’re more feminine than masculine, but my opinion is that all women are gender nonconforming to some extent. Gender was made up by men in order to keep women subservient, so I think all women would benefit from getting away from it.

You are not a skinny man, and you never will be. You don’t have a male bone structure, and you never can. You probably have wider hips, a smaller face, and a narrower waist and shoulders than men do. All of those things are neutral, and all of those things are natural and beautiful. You can’t see it right now, but you will if you give yourself time.

Focus on finding the beauty in other women and appreciating them for how they are, and it will help you appreciate yourself the way you are! 🌈

[just-an-emily-existing]

Me being Genderfluid

Lately I’ve been experiencing slight gender dysphoria, I haven’t been exactly comfy or happy being just a cis woman, and have been craving/wanting to be a boy or non-binary, I don’t want to have periods every month, I don’t want to have a chest, I don’t want to have female body parts, I want to be a boy, but yet, I also still want to be a girl, I like being a girl too, but I couldn’t/can’t just pick one and saying I’m Genderfluid has put a new level of comfort on myself, I don’t have to conform to just one gender, I can allow myself to experience how it feels to be other genders and that alone is so liberating for me, so justifying and comfortable to me, it just feels right to say I’m Genderfluid. I can finally satisfy the curiosities my mind has and the feeling of not being just a cis woman. So yeah, that’s my story and I hope someone out there can relate. Just know, it’s ok to have those thoughts, it’s ok to not be comfy with your birth gender, let yourself figure things out, life will always be a messy road. Sometimes a good messy, but also a bad kind of messy. Embrace it and embrace yourself.

So yeah, that’s my story/vent?? Not sure if this is a vent but I’ll call it that too lol