#gender and sexuality are not something different from any other emotion or human action

[nullcoast]

Hmm it's almost like gender is a construct so getting into minutia arguments about microlabels is a complete fucking waste of time and an expression of extreme ignorance. almost like the million different ways queerness has been expressed all contradicting eachother for hundreds of years is for a reason and they all equally have important things to say about HUMAN EXPRESSION

[offorestsongs]

OC INTRODUCTION ❣ LYSANDER (ver. 2.0)

"Ah, good seeing you! I was just making soup. Do you want some? It's alright, I can share."

The infamous Ramshackle Prefect. Despite having a reputation of always being where the trouble is, he's actually a pretty calm, quiet person who usually stays out of action until he's pushed directly into it. Suffers from amnesia; his main drive is his intense desire to find new friends and family.

BASIC INFORMATION

full name 🌼 Lysander [last name redacted] nicknames 🌼 Prefect, Lys, Shrimpy/Krill, Monsieur Trickster -> Monsieur Fleur species 🌼 just the most normal human guy imaginable height 🌼 162 cm age 🌼 19 y/o birthday 🌼 [redacted] gender 🌼 trans male (he/him) sexuality 🌼 gay man hometown 🌼 normal human world (the UK specifically) dorm 🌼 Ramshackle class 🌼 1-A club 🌼 none (honorary Pop Music Club member; he doesn't have any musical talents, he's just here for the gossip) favorite subject 🌼 animal linguistics dominant hand 🌼 left talent 🌼cooking hobby 🌼 gardening, embroidery favorite food 🌼 mushroom soup least favorite food 🌼black coffee pet peeve 🌼people being in the kitchen when he's cooking

PERSONALITY

Usually standing on the sidelines and not speaking much unless spoken to, Lysander tends to get overlooked by others. If not, others may think him to be anti-social and unapproachable; his usual grave expression certainly doesn't help his case. However, it cannot be further from the truth.

Lysander is a kind-hearted person who deeply cares for others and is always willing to put their well-being above his own, often to a unhealthy degree. He hates being lonely and desperately wants to have friends, but his quite isolated upbringing didn't give him much of a chance to learn how to properly socialize with others. While he's not exactly shy, it's hard for him to make the first step. He's never quite sure how to approach other people or maintain relationships with them. The fact that he's not exactly a great conversationalist doesn't help him - he feels like he's never learned how to properly talk to people and so he second guesses his every word, worried that he had once again missed an important social cue, which he's prone to doing. In turn, he considers talking quite tiring and definitely prefers listening to others.

Famously bad at saying "no" to people, even when he knows he will regret the decision later; he's just too afraid that refusing to help others will make people hate him and he can't stand seeing his friends inconvenienced. Feels responsible for other people's problems, which probably stems from the fact that he was forced to care for his entire house ever since he was very young. Not that suddenly having to deal with a bunch of traumatised teenagers helps with that.

Really sensitive and emotional, a hopeless romantic at heart, and also, unfortunately, really prone to stress. In crisis situations, his usual response is freeze.

Not used to having much free time, he's always busing himself with something. If it's not cleaning Ramshackle then it's tending to his garden or helping his classmates with their homework or working shifts at the Mostro Lounge. No matter what it is, he simply cannot sit still. He's highly independent and while he does everything to help others, he hates getting help from anyone and tries to do everything by himself. Refusing help is about the only time he will firmly stand his ground and say no.

BACKSTORY

He would love to know as well! The past comes to him in flashes, often triggered by sensations related to the memory. What he had remembered so far doesn't particuraly make him want to go back.

He remembers living in a big, old house, not that different from Ramshackle. He remembers his bedroom, spending long, empty days there, looking out the window. He doesn't remember anything about his parents, just his grandma. She's a looming, dreaded presence in all of Lysander's memories. Any potential siblings or relatives - he doesn't remember anything about them either. Maybe he never had any.

But most imporatntly - he remembers the deep, overwhelming sense of loneliness that seemed to follow his every step.

RELATIONSHIPS

Grim: “He's a bit horrible sometimes, but he's my kitty! Ace says I enable him too much and maybe that's true, but honestly I don't know what I would do without him.”

Riddle: “Poor boy. He was quite horrible to me in the beginning, but…I don't really blame him. There's something about him that makes me almost relate to him, you know? I try to meet up with him for tea when I can. He's a quite good companion once you get to know him.”

Ace: “Honestly, I never thought I'd be friends with somebody like him. Not in a bad way! But he's just so bold and brazen, I wish I could be more like him… He won't stop calling me an old man though…”

Deuce: “He's just such a darling! I can see he's always trying his best, so I try to help him out with his studying when I can.”

Trey: “He’s a sweetheart! And he knows so much about baking! I didn’t have much time to indulge in making sweets before but he’s always willing to share some advice as long as I help him out in the kitchen, which is so nice.”

Cater: “Cater was actually one of the first friends I’ve made here. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ace and Deuce, but it’s nice to have somebody closer in age to converse with. And it can be confusing when I’m new at school while everyone seems to already know everyone, but he always knows all the rumors so I don’t feel lost with him.”

Leona: “He’s a bit scary but I know he has a good heart deep down. Not good enough to let me pet his ears though…”

Ruggie: “Sometimes I feel bad for him. It seems that life hasn’t been kind to him, and he’s always working so hard! Sometimes I cook too much so I can give the leftovers to him - it’s the best I can do.”

Jack: “He’s always so serious but he’s such a sweet boy. Sometimes I go to Spelldrive matches just to cheer him on, though I’m still not quite sure if I even understand how the sport works.”

Azul: “I know some people don’t trust him but he was always nice to me! When he saw that I’m struggling with money, he offered me a job, which I think is awfully nice of him. He pays me fairly and I think that’s all that matters.”

Jade: “He’s actually quite nice! He knows a lot about different flora and he’s always willing to talk about it, too. We don’t really spend much time together but I love listening to him when I can.”

Floyd: “I- I don’t want to be mean, but there’s just something about him that makes a shiver run down my spine. I prefer to not be alone with him if I can.”

Kalim: “What a darling! He’s always so sweet and nice to me, it’s a delight to be around him. I just wish he’d stop offering he’d share some of his family riches with me… I’m running out of ways to refuse, which is quite awkward.”

Jamil: “We’re not really close but I do respect him a great deal. I wish I could help him and Kalim somehow, but I guess some things are outside even my capabilities.”

Vil: “He’s really intimidating, I used to be a bit afraid of him. But he’s actually really sweet once you get to know him! He has helped me a lot with many things and I’ll forever be grateful to him. I think he’s one of my best friends, though I’m not sure if he thinks the same about me…”

Rook: “Oh- I- Well- Um. Yes. He’s quite nice, isn’t he? And he’s pretty… uh, a pretty good friend! Yes! We’ve been spending a lot of time together recently and- I don’t think I’ve ever felt the way I feel around him. Quite mortifying.”

Epel: “Ah, I do understand him a lot. I too often struggle with not feeling like I’m a man enough, as stupid as it is. I wish I could offer him some guidance, but I’m not really qualified for that.”

Idia: “I’m not really sure how I feel about him. We don’t really spend much time together and truth be told, I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. Cater said that’s because I touch too much grass, whatever that means.”

Ortho: “The sweetest boy! He’s always such a joy to be around, sometimes I wish I could steal him from Idia… Don’t tell him that!”

Malleus: “I know well how it is to not have any friends, so I’m always happy to offer him company. We seem to understand each other and he never expects me to talk a lot which is awfully sweet of him.”

Lilia: “He’s a bit eccentric and a bit intimidating, but I don’t mind him. In fact, I’ve often come to him for advice. He seems to know a lot about life for a student.”

Silver: “Like Malleus, he simply lets me sit in comfortable silence with him, which I really appreciate. I really hope we can be closer friends someday.” Sebek: “His dedication to Malleus is really admirable, but I do think this boy needs more friends. Not me, apparently. I don’t think he likes me much, even though I never get in his way.”

TRIVIA

the only other time he will say no to people is when they try to help him with cooking; he has a very particular way of doing things in the kitchen and hates when other mess up what he considers his most sacred space

a big animal lover, especially when it comes to cats - he'll try to pet every stray cat he sees on his way

he's very afraid of losing his memories again - because of that, he started keeping a journal where he writes down the important details of his new life. he carries it with him everywhere

he's autistic, though he was never officially diagnosed. his grandma was more the "vaccines cause autism" type than "take the child in your care to see a specialist"

almost always feels cold, which is why he's usually bundled in thick sweaters

doesn't like throwing things away, which means that Ramshackle is always full of usueless but sentimental trinkets

he's nearsighted. his eyesight is actually pretty bad - anything past the distance of his outstreched hand is a blurr to him

feels very insecure about his height and so he always wears shoes with heels

his hair magically magically turned pink after getting isekaied

tends to call people "darling" and "sweetheart" a lot

WRITING

headcanons; lysander fun facts! lilyarrow ship intro lilyarrow headcanons lilyarrow headcanons: phones orange peel theory

fics; stolen affections flirting tactics cat and mouse romantic secrets heart-shaped locket flirty prompts ask game 1 flirty prompts ask game 2 rapunzel/fairy tale AU

CARDS

SR Tsumsitter SR Tropical Wear SR Sleepwear [fan event] SR Music Weeks [fan event]

dividers.

[wordsandrobots]

So I do kind of want to write something about the ending of Gundam ZZ, having now finished my rewatch. But as an aside to that, I wanted to note a few thoughts about how Judau is presented, or, rather, how he isn't presented in a romantic context by the show.

Because both Amuro and Kamille definitely have romantic aspects to their arcs. Amuro has his crush on Matilda and Fraw Bow's (unrequited) crush on him, while Kamille's relationships with Four and Fa are key to his development throughout Zeta. It's treated as part of them 'growing into manhood', in that highly tedious way of exposing a lot of uninterrogated sexism, that we nevertheless have to accept as part of the framework within which these stories were written.

But Judau doesn't have anything like that. He and Haman's rivalry is not really presented in romantic or sexual terms, at least, not directly. Haman is *scared* of Judau and transforms that into a desire to control him, and while her control of several other characters is coded in romantic terms (capital R Romantic, no less, when it comes to Mashymre), their particular dynamic is instead rooted in a push and pull over their differing world-views. Judau's embrace of straightforward emotionally-driven action is critically at odds with the puppet-mastery Haman aspires to and exposes the loneliness and pessimism beneath her approach. She's not in love with him; she's fucking furious this no-account kid could come along and be a shining example of an empathic, caring newtype, right as she'd given up on that as a possibility for humanity's future.

And with Chara, and Judau getting smothered in boobs, the titillation is entirely on her side. It's not even played as him being embarrassed by it, which, while it clearly plays into the joke about Chara being unattractive owing to her overly-sexual aspects, is still notable when there are pretty much zero examples of Judau caring about girls in that way at all. Or, in fact, girls caring about him that way.

Roux and Elle's bickering is notably devoid of any 'we want the same guy' aspects. I shall go further and say that Gundam Wiki ascribing Roux as Judau's love interest is bunk: they never once have romantic interactions and there are other good, character-based explanations for them picking the same path at the end. She and Elle butt heads for the same reason there is tension between Roux and the Shangri-La kids from the start. She's more grown-up and more invested in being the grown-up in the room, which rubs everyone else the wrong way.

Elle, meanwhile, does seem to have strong feelings for Judau but whether these should be considered romantic is actually a surprisingly slippery question. That is, obviously that's the natural read in the sense of being completely typical, but there's a sequence in the final episode that positions her feelings slightly differently.

Under a cut due to spoilers and two teenagers slapping each other.

Right before Judau heads out for his climactic confrontation with Haman, Elle tries to talk him down, since he could very well be killed. He won't listen and Beecha tries to make Elle stop, leading to her backhanding him, him slapping her, and the two of them accepting that they can't do anything except be there in the hope Judau will come back home safe.

Setting aside the gender weighting on the slapping, the part that makes Beecha really angry is Elle asking how he can let Judau go alone because, despite Beecha often disliking playing second fiddle to the other boy, he doesn't like the idea of Judau going alone either. It's just at this point, they're down to one other remaining mobile suit and the priority is protecting the ship.

Beecha is clearly miserable about this too and his contribution here is helping Elle come to terms with the situation. What interests me is that this places Elle's emotions on the same level as his, that of a deeply concerned friend who, regardless of their differences, don't want to see any harm come to Judau. Beecha is implied to have (romantic) feelings for Elle and gets annoyed at her paying more attention to Judau, but here he's the one to express the bulk of the shared emotions. In essence, the text renders everything platonic while underscoring how the Shangri-La gang have grown closer over the course of the show.

Either that, or you go the other way and read this as Beecha's jealousy coming from his own crush on Judau, and conclude he and Elle are reaching the same conclusion about a shared romantic connection to a third person. I don't think that's likely as the intention, although who knows? Certainly Judau shows no negative reaction to an earlier comment by Roux about Beecha being cute, so maybe this is another case where polyamory was the solution.

(And if this isn't a perfect summary of what kind of relationship Roux and Judau have, I don't know what is. That's not romance; that's the cosmos' peanut gallery in the making.)

Irrespective, I find it interesting how the show forecloses romantic possibilities around Judau, not by having them hook up with other people ala Fraw (crucially, there's no hint Elle and Beecha actually do form a couple), or by killing them off, but simply by placing the friendship of the group above everything else. At the end, while Kamille and Fa dance on the shore, Judau's big moment is being reunited with his sister ahead of leaving to get some greater perspective on the world.

I do wonder if this is part of Judau being a more immature character than Amuro or Kamille. After all, the point is that he doesn't 'grow up', doesn't shed his driving anger or the idea of trying to save everyone, instead carrying forward the possibility that things can change in spite of all the 'damn adults' who've harmed the world. He manages to embody Amuro's original idealism about the future without succumbing to the sin of 'doing something he can't take back' over the course of the battles he's forced into.

Again, it's either that or we add another tick in the 'asexual protagonists' column, which would also be perfectly groovy.

[cowboyjen68]

Is it strange or even.. "wrong" that I'm a gay man who's questioning if he might be bisexual, and considering searching out a very butch bi woman to experiment with? I think my attraction might be fully based on masculine presentation, rather than gender, but hell I don't even know if bi butch he/hims exist lol. Sorry for the weird question! I hope your road trip goes well! The haircut looks great 💜

I know it feels weird to question yourself after thinking you had it figured out but the truth is, human sexuality can be confusing in a world where a lot of mixed signals are embedded in our culture and sometimes even worse with in our greater LGBT+ community. There is often a lot of pressure to "pick a side".

Moreso than when I when I was coming out in the 1990's there is a lot of shame and judgment placed on people who experiment or are curious about sexual experience outside of what sexuality they eventually land on. It was (and is) common for lesbians and gay men I "grew up" with in my 20's to have a past that involved dating, marrying or having sex with the opposite sex before finally understanding their sexual and emotional attraction to the same sex. Some people never need that experience, others are curious and still others need to see what the "other" is all about in order to come to terms with their sexuality. None of these decisions are bad. Past actions do not define our sexuality but can sometimes be the calalyst that makes us see the truth.

I believe, based on myself and my friends and years of talking to many people, that our sexuality is innate but that doesn't mean we all understand it from the beginning. We aren't given a manual and the human experience is often one that involves trial and error to figure things out. And that includes discovering the difference between sexual and emotional fulfillment and just tolerating something because we think we are supposed to like it.

I also believe that butch is a lesbian word and only applies to lesbians but I think I understand what you are saying. There are plenty of masc (masculine) straight and bi women out there. There are definitely a wide variety of people who would fit that look/energy you are looking for.

My advice is to be honest with them, even if not too specific. Let any potential partner know you are not interested in a relationship and you are sort of in an experimental phase and let them decide if you are the right fit for them at the moment.

Any one who shames you for making this very personal decision is wrong in doing so. Life is too short to deny ourselves of experimentation and experiences as long as we are not harming others.

You might gain some clarity as you go on this new adventure in life. Be honest with yourself and don't bend to the pressure of external forces. Your sexual and emotional happiness is important and you are wothy of living it to the fullest.

[vyvienne]

Updated RP Profile

Name: Vyvienne Damora

Name meaning: From the Latin word for life or alive.

Nicknames: Vyv, CIA with Magic

Age: Unknown, Gestimated around early thirties

How old s/he appears: By how she acts? Fourties, or older.

Birthdate: Unknown

Zodiac: Unknown but by her actions? Virgo.

Nationality/Race: Sin’dorei (formerly Human, under an enchantment)

Eyes: Kerry Green

Hair: Golden Blonde

Skin: Porcelain

Body type: Slim, curves in the right places

Height/weight: 5' 0", 110ish lbs

Facial details: Heart shaped face, pert nose with a slightly upturned tip, full lips, cat like eyes.

Features/marks: None

Health: Healthy

Sexuality: Straight

Gender: Female, Feminine She/Her

Physical limitations: None

Physical advantages: Physically Vyv has little advantage over others. Mentally would be a different story.

Clothing/accessories: Custom tailored outfits; nothing gaudy. Soft colors, showing nobility but not greed.

Mother: Grace Mercer (Damora?), Deceased

Father:  Baron Eramis Damora, Lord of Autumnvale (Assumed Deceased)

Siblings: None that are known

Close friends: Falrith, Hamtaru

Nemeses: Eramis Damora

Significant other: None. Vyv is a widow.

Other relevant people: Thorne, Elineda

Liked or disliked?: Relative

Schooling: Well educated, both though the Church of Light and on her own. Athletics: Enough to stay in good health.  

Hobbies: Gardening, Reading, Observation, Magical discussion

Skilled at: Reading people, Magic, Noting how things come together, being silent Unskilled at: Making friends

Trait s/he wishes s/he had: Compassion

Temperament: Spellbinding, Frightening

Attitude: Observant, Cavalier about life      

Quirks: Vyv has a soft spot for orphans

Priorities: Safety first! Vyv will do almost anything to ensure her own safety.

Philosophy: Leaving someone alive today is asking for a potential problem tomorrow.

Good habits: Caring for the poor, the needy and the orphans in whatever area Vyv lives in.

Bad habits: Having little to no loyalty to any cause other than her own. She knows no faction, country or King.

Positive traits: Once Vyv actually is loyal nothing can break it other than betrayal

Negative traits: Little value for life that isn't connected to her own

Weaknesses: Hard hearted to the emotional needs of others making it hard to connect and make friends (this exclusion of feelings from her decisions has often lead to misunderstandings with people), doesn't understand the need or desire to save people or 'do good things' just because it's the right thing to do.

Strengths: Tenacious, magically gifted, analytical, diplomatic in many situations which creates the ability to benefit where others may not, immense amount of patience when the situation warrents

Fears/phobias: Never truly being safe, or being able to keep those she cares for safe.

Secrets: Vyv ensured she is the only remaining member (and heir) of the Damora family by doing away with the remaining two members after she was legitimized by her aunt.

Regrets: In some ways, Vyv regrets not living the life she started out living. A sister of the Light, someone who has faith in something larger than herself and finds comfort in that thing.

Calmed by: In general, doing things that make Vyv feel safe and in control. Knowledge is power.

Most at ease when: At home

Ill at ease when: In the middle of large groups of people, unable to watch them all.

Soft spot: Children, animals

In a crisis: Decisive, In charge

Under pressure: Vyv shines, her natural abilities come out.

In awkward social situations: Vyv would either try to smooth them or use whatever situation to her advantage.

Can s/he keep a secret?: Yes.

Independent or needy?: Independent.

Thoughts on others/People are inherently?: weak, untrustworthy and easily manipulated.

Day or night?: Night.

Pessimist or optimist?: Pessimist

Big picture or small details?: Small details lead to the big picture.

Important events in life: The most shaping was mid-teens, when Vyv discovered a child being murdered by a cult. It was this event that led to her leaving the cloister, as it was a fellow sister that had delivered the orphaned child over.

Short-term goals/hopes: Currently she wants to kill her father.

Long-term goals/hopes: Nothing I’m willing to put here right now.

How s/he feels about self: Right now Vyv isn’t quite herself. She recently was widowed and suffered the death of her only child. This has made her deeply disturbed and she is working to purge herself of the emotions she feels about what happened.

Drink: Bourbon/Milk (not together, you heathen)

Color: Blue/Orange

Animals: All animals

Chores: Gardening/Cooking

Season: Spring/Winter

Expletives: Vyv rarely uses curse words. If she does, things are very wrong. She does sometimes say Blood and Damnation!

Favorite Type of RP: Espionage/intrigue/criminal RP are the areas I find most appealing. I also enjoy social/open community RP.

Triggers: RP involving large amounts of screaming or quarreling for extended periods are a definite no to me. 

Things I Will Not RP: Sexual content with children.

RP Strong Points:   Adaptable from descriptive multi=para to concise replies; respectful of others story arcs, history and the time involved to create them. OOC communication friendly and generally willing to work with whomever involved to make the best experience possible.

RP Weak Points: In open/social RP I tend to get lost in the messages, try to read them all and often end up with slow response time.

Would They Be Known:  If you run in less savory circles you may have seen her face but you probably would not know her name.

Personality: Calm, cunning, determined, charismatic, resourceful, patient, diplomatic -   In most cases has the ability to read people well and offer them what they need thereby gaining loyalty from those around her.

Tattoos/Piercings: Pierced ears.

First Appearances: She is always dressed in clothes befitting a woman of her station. She is well groomed, clean, hair in place, her clothing is pressed. The only time you would not see her this way might be after an involved healing. She has a tendency to rip hems from clothing to wipe wounds before she heals or create makeshift bandages if people refuse Light healing.

What To Expect: Each interaction with Vyvienne is different based upon who she is meeting. When meeting her, Vyvienne will almost always act like a lady, use manners, smile and be polite. You will rarely, if ever, hear her say a curse word. She abhors rudeness but even rude people will often be greeted with politeness if it suits her purpose. She is a social chameleon and can blend into a situation if she needs to. She might choose not to, but she can. She's suspicious and untrusting. One noteworthy mention – she cannot be intimidated. She has no fear of magic, no fear of violence and no fear of threats. When she walks into a room she knows she belongs there and cannot be convinced otherwise until she makes the choice to go. 

Favorite Type of RP: Do I have to pick one? I do all sorts of RP, ranging from random meetings in a tavern to plot-drive adventures and character development scenes. If it’s RP, I’m probably down for it.

Triggers: OOC drama over IC interactions. This is make-believe fun time. Let’s keep it that way. 

Things I Will Not RP: Case-by-case. Mature content is fine, but there’s limits to what I find acceptable. I’ll speak up if it ever reaches that point.

RP Strong Points: I’m adaptable to all types of RP, from short, rapid-fire bursts to multi-para descriptive. Flexible in all sorts of IC situations, accommodating to other people’s stories, and a fast typer. I like to think I’m a good character writer too. :P

RP Weak Points: I tend to get caught up on the little details when I’m typing, especially in multi-para situations. I have a difficult time keeping up with many players at once.

[v-tired-queer]

Thanks for tagging me, @kayrielwrites ! It was great to read your responses!

@melindagrey , I'm gonna tag you in this (I love your poetry), but no pressure to respond! You don't have to if you don't want to, but I figured I'd tag you anyway just incase.

1. When did you start writing?

I started writing when I was in sixth grade, so I think I was abouuuuuut . . . *attempts to do math* 12? Yeah, 12.

2. What was the first story you've ever written?

The first story I've ever written was a Maximum Ride fanfic, where Fang was captured by the School and while he was back there, he met his mom and three older sisters (OC's). I remember finishing it, but something happening with my laptop and suddenly all of my documents were stuck in a font that was just a bunch of non-letter characters and couldn't be changed. I can't remember how it ends, but I do remember working on it every day after school.

3. What genres have you written for so far?

Romance, coming-of-age, fantasy, action, crime drama, rom-com

4. What is your favorite genre to write for?

Hmmmm . . . Can I say both coming-of-age and rom-com? I love writing the two mixed together!

5. What is your favorite trope to write for?

I'm a sucker for writing a strangers to lovers story, meet-cutes are my favorite! I'd like to write enemies to lovers, but I have yet to write anything for that that I actually liked the end result of.

6. What topic would you like to explore in your writing?

Right now most of my writing is focusing on being true to yourself, even if you're not entirely sure what that means for you or your future. I'd also like to start writing more with anti-heros or morally gray characters, where what's right and wrong isn't always so black and white.

7. Who is the OC that is most like you?

I think my OC Dylan is the most like me. He's trying to find himself in all sorts of different places, and wants to live his life to the fullest, even though he isn't entirely sure what that looks like for him yet. He's shy, but trying to learn to come out of his shell, and he loves a good adventure.

8. Which OC is nothing like you?

Derek for sure! He's an elf in a fantasy romance I'm working on, the main love interest of the protagonist, and a knight to the royal court. He's quick yet calm, able to keep his cool even though his eyes give every emotion away, but he's also not afraid to stab a bitch. He's like a contained flame--warm and inviting, but dangerous when handled wrong. I, on the other hand, am probably the least dangerous marshmallow of a person you have ever met.

9. Have you ever brought an OC back from the dead?

No, but now I want to.

10. In which of your stories would you like to live?

The story Derek is from (it has yet to be titled). It's set in a fantasy land full of elves, fairies, mermaids, and so many other magical beings and creatures. There's always an adventure to be had and cool people to meet. Plus, they have no qualms with LGBTQ+ people and find the human realm, aka the one we all live in, very stupid because so much emphasis is put on who a person is in terms of their gender identity or sexual and/or romantic orientation. Even the antagonist isn't transphobic or homophobic.

11. Have you ever written fanfiction about your own work?

I don't think I have? I've written spin off stories that take place in the same universe, but I don't think I've written any actual fanfiction for any of my stories.

12. Do you have a word/phrase that you overuse in your writing?

I don't think there's a word or phrase that I overuse, but I definitely use too many dashes and parentheses.

13. What feedback did you receive for your writing that stuck with you?

I was writing a historical fiction short story for ELA in my senior year of high school, and I was trying to make it sound old-timey and use the language of the time period I was writing for, but I ended up hating the finished product. My teacher even said it didn't sound like my previous writing, and he told me that it was okay to write inside of my comfort zone to produce a good story, and I could always work my way up something new. He told me that trying something new off the bat is great, but sometimes, a build up to it can be even better. (And for the record, I did pass that assignment.)

14. What is something you feel weird/uncomfortable writing about?

Off the top of my head, I don't think there's anything that I wouldn't write. I'm sure I have a limit somewhere, I just haven't come across it yet.

15. What is your current writing habit?

I'll often write mini parts of a story to add to the whole project later on. Weather it be a peice of dialogue, a specific way of wording something, or a scene that I got inspiration for but haven't come to yet in the story, I have a separate folder for each of my WIPs for quickly jotting down things to add in as I go.

16. Where do you find inspiration to write?

I find most of my inspiration coming from real-life circumstances that I've been through, but I also draw a lot of inspiration from music and nature. Sometimes a song will conjure up the perfect tone for a short story, or the wind will blow right as a crow caws in a way that tells me the story of someone new, and suddenly I'm in different places with new stories to tell.

17. Tell us a fact about your current WIP.

Lmfao which one? I have way too many! In all seriousness, it's actually a fanfiction that I'm hoping will be ready in time for Christmas. It's a super fluffy holiday story with Keith and Shiro from Voltron: Legendary Defender as the main characters (yes, it's Sheith (Shiro x Keith), how could you tell?). It's set to be 26 chapters of nothing but fluff, comfort without the hurt, barely anything angsty, and overall a cute, feel-good fic for Christmas.

18. Show us a piece of dialogue you really like.

Heh. Okay, don't judge me, but this is from a sugar baby Keith x sugar daddy Shiro AU. I really like the dialogue, but I also really like this scene as a whole, so you're getting all of it.

Keith rolls his eyes at his uncle, letting out a huff. "Uncle Thace, everything is fine."

"Yeah, I'm not buying it."

"What--"

"I'll be on the next avaliable flight to New York."

"Wait! Uncle Thace, no, I--"

"See you in a few hours, kit!" Keith can practically hear the older man's smile, can picture his stupid smug wave as he hangs up the phone, ending the call before Keith even has the chance to say goodbye. Not that he wants to, now.

He groans and flops down onto his bed, rubbing his palms over his eyes. Great. Wonderful. This was just perfect. He picks up his phone from where it had unceremoniously landed on his pillow during his dramatics, pressing 1 on his speed dial. The line only rings twice before Shiro picks up.

"Hey, baby, what--"

"My uncle Thace is coming up from Texas in a few hours."

The line is quiet, then, "What?"

"Thace? My mom's brother? Apparently he's worried about me so he's coming up from Texas. He's booking a seat on the next available flight."

"Thace as in the scary, ex-military, pretty buff, could knock me out in one punch if he tried hard enough uncle? That one?"

Keith rolls his eyes, electing not to point out that Shiro is also all of those things. "Yes. I mean, that description fits both him and Antok,"--and you--"but yes, I'm specifically talking about Thace."

"Wait wait wait. Who's Antok?"

"My step-fathers partner."

"I--Okay. Hold on. So Thace is your uncle, Antok is your . . . step-father's partner? But Thace is the one coming over to potentially kick my ass."

"Just be happy Kolivan, Acxa and my mom aren't coming with him. Then we'd have a real problem."

Shiro is exasperated. "Who is Kolivan? And Acxa?"

God, Shiro, keep up. "Kolivan is my step-father, also super tall and buff, very protective, and Acxa is my older sister." Keith paused, thinking. "Actually, we're pretty lucky that Uncle Ulaz and Regris aren't coming up, too."

"Who the fuck--"

"Anyway, what are we going to do about Thace coming? He thinks that I got all this money through work."

The line is quiet again and Keith doesn't know if it's from Shiro thinking about all of the possible ways his family could kill him, or if he's thinking of something to do about this. He's about to ask when Shiro's voice comes over the line, and even though Keith can't see the smirk, he just knows that it's there. "Then we'll put you to work."

Keith groaned.

19. Show us a line you want readers to remember from your story.

Maybe that's the point, Hector thinks, staring down at the sleeping man next to him. He counts each freckle on Kaden's face like he counts the stars in the sky, tracing constellations, committing each one to memory. Maybe that's the point, to love deeply, truly, wholly, in whatever way. To love with mutual respect, clearly drawn boundaries, and a promise to not go any father but to never hold back. Maybe the point isn't romance. Maybe it's simply love.

20. Do you have one piece of advice for your fellow writers?

Write for yourself. Your stories are your own to do with as you please, no matter how tropey or unconventional or mainstream. Write what makes you happy, sad, angry, nostalgic, overjoyed. Tell your stories proudly. They're a beautiful part of you.

Writer's Ask Game

When did you start writing?

What was the first story you've ever written?

What genres have you written for so far?

What is your favourite genre to write for?

What is your favourite trope to write for?

What topic would you love to explore in your writing?

Who is the OC that is most like you?

Which OC is nothing like you?

Have you ever brought an OC back from the dead?

In which of your stories would you like to live?

Have you ever written fanfiction about your own work?

Do you have a word/phrase that you overuse in your writing?

What feedback did you receive for your writing that stuck with you?

What is something that you feel weird/uncomfortable writing about?

What is your current writing habit?

Where do you find inspiration to write?

Tell us a fun fact about your current WIP.

Show us a piece of dialogue you really like.

Show us the line you want readers to remember from your story.

Do you have one piece of advice for your fellow writers?

[emberlitfables]

These are Celestial Seekers, a species close to my heart.

I'm taking inspiration from a friend with this, along with the fact I want to have better images of these species in case anyone ever wants to draw them. There's a lot here, but I had a lot of stuff written down for them. This time it's the species that The Splicer belongs too.

Celestial Seekers are a species described as "Pure possibility distilled into form due to the fallout of creation" And it's a very apt description. The image here is the best general image I can give you, due to the fact that each Celestial Seeker looks vastly different due to their abilities as being made of pure Essence.

Home: Due to the scattered nature of their species, they don't have any one home and it's very common to find one or two per planet that have just decided to live there as they can really live anywhere. There is one place that has the highest concentration of them with The Nebula of Whims and Wishes, a strange section of space where rules no longer apply.

Behaviour: They are known to be very happy and fickle creatures and are very forgetful. It's important to remember that even though they can show great intelligence and awareness to degrees higher than humans, at the end of the day, they are close to more wild animals. They interact with the world through instincts. Such as reacting to threats violently or easily becoming distracted when they notice something. Strangely, part of their instincts seems to focus on music. One common behavior is that they will mimic things around them, especially the behavior of a source of guidance.

Sexual Dimorphism: They have no biological gender as they do not reproduce, since they just spawn from space from collections of essence. If one desires, they can choose a gender for themselves and how they view that gender will affect how they grow, reflecting their mental image of themselves. If one grew up around humans and saw themselves as female, they would develop the feminine traits of a human for instance.

Appearance: It's complicated since they can look like anything overtime, it’s common for people to mistake them for a member of another species or a crossbreed as they change to adapt to the people that surround them. Though ones that are known to travel or are satisfied with how they look aren’t as likely to adapt to fit in. Key tells are smaller sizes, their unique eyes, fin-like growths on their head, and stary patterns. When young, they appear as small cell-like creatures that slowly grow. They tend to lose their translucent skin when adapting. 

Language: They have the potential to learn almost any language, even those that cannot be understood by other species since they can adapt their bodies to provide the parts and behavior to communicate. The common language that comes naturally to them is known as Chirptones, which are a series of quick and sharp vocalizations with a harmonic quality. Chirptones resemble different instruments with different sounds, with each Seeker sounding like a different instrument. Though it can sound like any sort of instrument, it tends to be similar to electronic or synth-like instruments as those are the most common vocal tones for Seekers. Abilities:  Enhanced Adaptation- They can develop any power through adaption to a problem they face, it can take time and they don't get to control what happens. If they don't exercise a power before it becomes truly a part of them, they can lose it like someone can lose a skill if they don't practice. Musical Literacy- Due to their voice and language, they have a natural talent for music and have an easy time finding a rhythm in their actions. Empathy- Their main food source is energy given off by positive emotions, so they have an ability to sense them in people.

Weaknesses: Emotional Vulnerability- Strong negative emotions can cause them harm, but usually just disorientates. They also can't tell why someone would feel an emotion, which causes gaps in their understanding. Impulsiveness- They are fickle creatures by nature, and thus are known to not think through actions beforehand.

If you want to draw them as a character or a transformation for a trix user, feel free! But tag me because I would love to see what people do with them. You are not permitted to use them in any stories or projects without explicit permission though.

[ships-and-saints]

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms (Inheritance trilogy) by N.K. Jemisin

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms is the debut novel in the Inheritance trilogy, a fantasy series written by N.K. Jemisin, and published in 2010. The novel starts off strong as we dive headfirst into the complicated life of Yeine Darr, a half-Arameri, half-Darre woman who seems to be recalling the timeline of her life. In the beginning, Yeine is summoned to the Arameri palace in the city of Sky by her estranged grandfather, who names her the heir to the Arameri throne. However, the position of heir was already being fought over by a pair of siblings, Yeine’s aunt and uncle who were niece and nephew to her grandfather. Yeine is suddenly thrust into this succession war for the Arameri throne, and we follow her on her journey as she adapts and acclimates to palace life, the Arameri, and their harsh ways. She encounters many humans and gods who all seem to want different things surrounding the succession and will do anything to get them - including using her. The pace of the book is set right from the start, as we try to decipher what the other characters want and whether it is in line with what Yeine wants for her own life - which she must figure out soon. Something is always happening to further the story, even during the lulls in action, and the constant twists and turns quickly pull you to the end of the book. To avoid any spoilers and maintain the suspense, I’ve tried to avoid giving too many details!

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms has many well-developed, complex characters that we grow to love and hate and who inspire a broad spectrum of emotions within the reader. Throughout the novel, Jemisin explores many important societal themes including culture, oppression, morality, and sexuality. Many of her characters do not conform to the traditional conventions of gender and sexuality, as for example, the gods that are worshipped in the novel are polyamorous and genderfluid. Jemisin does a wonderful job methodically constructing a vast fantasy universe with great attention to detail, and she includes many developed cultural histories and character backstories, which helps to really immerse the readers in the world she has built. Black female authors are often underrepresented in the fantasy and science fiction genres, and N.K. Jemisin’s works really speak for themselves and are definitely worth the consideration of anyone looking for a new fantasy novel series to throw themselves into. Notably, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms has won the Locus Award for Best First Novel and several awards for gender expression, including the Sense of Gender award and the Tiptree award.

Personally, I believe that The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms can be read as its own complete stand-alone novel, as the following two novels are no longer written from the perspective of Yeine and instead flesh out the stories of both new characters and old ones from the first book. It is definitely a novel/series that is high up on my list of favorites, and the first book was my favorite. I will likely briefly review the following two novels in the series as well sometime in the future :)

[plush-rabbit]

Coming Out - Ace Ed.

Request: When you have the chance (or if you're comfortable with the topic, I know some aren't 😅), could you write something about Shigaraki, and/or Mammon, and Asmodeus' S/O coming out to them as asexual? Clearly they're nervous about how they'll react and explain to them that they're okay with having an open relationship if they wanted to still have sex (genuinely okay with it, not because they're nervous). Again, it's okay if you decide not to do this because you're not comfortable with the topic or unsure because you're not that informed on asexuality! (Sorry to bother you if you decide not to write anything 🙇)

A/N: I hope you like these!! I, myself, am not ace but I tried to do as much research with this as possible (reading about different experiences). I hope you enjoy!! (if this is in any way acephobic, please tell me. The last thing i want is to make this blog an unsafe place)

-

Mammon:

Coming out isn’t easy. It can be nerve wrecking no matter the people and coming to a demon who- to be fair- has had more experiences in life than you could ever imagine or even begin to grasp, you still have anxiety that settles deep inside of you. You sit him down, your hands fidgeting with each other and perceptive as always, Mammon holds your hand, a tender smile across his features as he tells you to take a deep breath. Once you get the words out, Mammon blinks, his head tilted and then he smiles. It isn’t like the one you saw moments before, it’s wider, ecstatic and he’s pulling you in for a hug. He’s glad that you’re able to find your truth and being a demon who has lived for so long, he’s fully aware of the meaning to identify as ace. He’s the friendliest with humans, coming into contact with several for one reason or another, so he’s quite aware of most human experiences and takes your coming out with excitement and supportiveness.

While he knows what being asexual is he would want a bit more clarification so he doesn’t overstep any boundaries. He’s a touchy demon whose love is expressed with actions and- very rarely- words. His questions come one right after the other; he isn’t trying to be invasive but he wants to know where you both stand in this relationship. He nods and will listen without his attention wavering. He’ll likely interject just wanting clarification on a few things or making sure he hasn’t crossed any boundaries. Having lived for so long, he’s come to know very different sexualities and gender identities and he’ll make sure that you’re still interested in a relationship with him.

If you do offer for an open relationship where he can take out his tendencies, he won’t take it except for his rutting periods. It isn’t exactly something he is eager to do and even if he does have your permission it feels a bit off for him the first few times of his rut. Other than that, he isn’t keen on an open relationship. He’s fine without sex and can always masturbate just fine. It’s common for the house to contain some type of lewd joke so if it gets too uncomfortable or pushes too close for your sexuality, he’ll cut the joking short. If you're comfortable with the jokes and even start to partake in them, he’s on your side, laughing with your hand held in his.

He’s still touchy with you depending on how you feel about it but sometimes he can’t really help himself. He won’t try to push you for sex but he can be found with his hand cupped over your chest or on the inside of your thigh. It’s not him trying to hint at anything sexual or even because he’s in the mood, it is simply because he just likes to touch you and have you close- it’s comforting for him to have his hand on you, to let him know that you’re still beside him. If you do happen to have an aversion to touch, he is likely to remember it and will ask if it’s okay to hold you or even just keep an arm spread so you can come to him if you choose so. It’s no secret that the greedy demon sleeps either nude or partially nude so he will offer to change that if you are uncomfortable, scratching the back of his neck and mumbling about how he’ll have to lower the temperature but for you, it’ll be fine. If you choose to have him sleep however he wants to, he still doesn’t, mostly due to his own flustered self.

Mammon is so supportive in an overeager type of way. He’s buying things that have your flag on it and gifting them to you with such a proud look on his face that it’s sweet. He can understand that coming out is something very close to humans given your hesitation to share with him so he makes sure to take that trust that you gave him and do the best that he can do for you. You can offer an open relationship and he’s touched that you care for him and his needs but it's not something that he’ll take so quickly. He likes you just fine and it’s trust and kindness that you gave to him that made him fall for you. The second eldest wants you to know that no matter your sexuality or identification, he’s by your side with various items stamped with your flag. He’s eager to please, holding your hand and pulling you into shops, leaving with at least one bag in each hand and his smile is bright. Greed is his sin and he values you by his side a lot more than he could ever express in words.

Asmodeus:

Asmodeus can sense that there’s been something on your mind, you’ve been bouncing your leg rather rapidly the past few days, you seem to be distancing yourself from him, but he knows you, if there’s something bothering you, you would tell him. While he may be the Avatar of Lust, he is in-tune with your emotions that don’t include lust. He’ll let you take as long as you need to until you do come out. Once you do, he will take your coming out with happiness and embarrassment. He holds your hand and tells you that you being asexual changes nothing in how he feels for you. On the other hand, he has been flirting with you and offering sexual opportunities. He’s apologizing immediately, he had no clue and had based the fact that he couldn’t feel your lust because of the first meeting.

He is based around lust- his nature isn’t something that can be changed so easily but he can accommodate it for you. He wants you to be comfortable around him and he won’t risk that just because he’s feeling particularly active one day. He’ll sit and talk with you, learn where you stand on the ace spectrum and take it from there. Your admiration and feelings come before anything sexual with him and perhaps it's the fact that you don’t feel sexually attracted or have a high libido but at least he knows that you are with him because you genuinely care for him and not because of the pleasure that he can bring. He tries a lot for you and while dates can’t end in the way that he’s used to, he can spend the time with you in bed, a hand around your waist as you watch television, something still so intimate to him as he holds your hand and falls asleep on your shoulder.

Touch is something important to the younger brother. He cannot be alone, he likes being surrounded by people and having attention on him so touch is still something that is going to be part of the relationship- if you are okay with it of course. It’s not uncommon for him to hold your hand before bed and ask and if you two can sleep shitless- nothing sexual but rather just for comfort of another warm being beside him, for him to feel your soft skin and run his gentle fingertips up and down your spine as he curls into you. There is nothing inherently sexual about being nude and to him it’s much more about just feeling you beside him.

The demon likes to flirt, and there’s something about knowing that it’s not going to turn sexual that leads him to be more fun with it. He’s laughing through his lines and he enjoys when you play along. While he takes up your offer on having an open relationship, he isn’t going to take it up the actual act most of the time. A few times it will be out of necessity, release, or even just parts of his own sin that he cannot control. He’s been in many relationships where they have been open or polyamorous, but the whole party was involved. If he were to be honest, while he does enjoy sex, he does enjoy your company just a bit more. Plus, he has a plethora of toys at his disposal if he is ever feeling up to the act without wanting to leave his bedroom.

You coming out to Asmodeus warms his heart. You know that he is the Avatar of Lust and he hasn’t made his attraction to you a secret so you coming out to him means a lot. You chose to stay in a relationship with him and care for him. You trusted him that he would understand and he does. He takes your sexuality with grace, never pushing too far and knowing your limits. Your comfort is important to him and he’s going to care for you in ways that are not sexually intimate. He’ll hold you close, paint your nails to match his, wear matching or complementary colors and hold you close to him. His sin defines him in many ways but he always longs for something so much sweeter than lust. He’ll hold your hand and kiss your knuckles, letting you know that you mean the world to him.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Tackling Biphobia

This page provides information for criminal justice and other safety services, including police, councils, charities and the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) on addressing biphobic hate crime. Bisexual people can face prejudice and hate crime, which service providers have a duty to tackle. The information below aims to assist services understanding and serving the needs of bisexual people who experience hate crime.

Recognise Biphobia

Biphobia is a prejudicial attitude toward bisexual people based on negative stereotypes. It can include believing that bisexual people are:

• Deceitful, dangerous or perverse

• Greedy, promiscuous or exotic

• Confused, indecisive or ‘going through a phase’

• Spreaders of disease or damage lesbian and gay rights

Recognise the gap

Services are increasingly familiar with hate crime against lesbian and gay people, but bisexual people have their own distinct needs, which can be overlooked or underplayed. Build your knowledge, policies and systems to tackle this important issue.

Biphobia exists

When asked how many biphobic hate crimes they have come across, most police officers would say zero. However, many officers will have dealt with one without realising. This is partly because bisexual people themselves sometimes struggle to label experiences as hate crime, do not disclose their identity, or are assumed to be another sexuality. Additionally biphobia is often not well understood or recorded by services. Instead of assuming biphobia does not exist, acknowledge that it happens but that under-reporting makes it difficult to see.

What is Biphobic hate crime?

Any offence should be treated as a biphobic hate crime if the person who experienced it or anyone else feels it was an expression of biphobia. Biphobic hate crime can include verbal abuse and violence from neighbours or strangers. Because people’s bisexual identity is not always visible to strangers, biphobic abuse can often be concentrated in settings where the targeted person and perpetrator know each other. That can include verbal abuse or unwanted sexual touching from acquaintances and biphobic domestic abuse from family or partners. These crimes are less easy to recognise but it is equally important to record and address them in a manner that addresses their motivation of hostility. To qualify to be recorded as a hate incident, a report needn’t include biphobic language. It is enough for a reporting person to perceive that it was motivated by anti-bisexual prejudice.

Record Biphobic incidents

Below the level of criminal offences, people can face prejudicial comments about their identity. Police forces, councils and charities can record these as non-criminal hate incidents. It is especially important to utilise this to record biphobic hate incidents because prejudicial and offensive but non-criminal abuse makes up the bulk of some bisexual peoples negative experiences.

Tackle biphobia within LGBT communities

Bisexual people can face prejudice from lesbian and gay people, such as being refused entry to LGBT spaces or inappropriate treatment by LGBT services. Lesbians and gay men working as service providers can also sometimes oppose bisexual inclusion. This means bisexual people sometimes feel pressured to pass as gay or lesbian to avoid biphobia when accessing an LGBT related service. Those who do come out can face inappropriate assumptions, questions, stereotyping. It is therefore important for LGBT services to do specific work toward understanding and welcoming this large section of their community.

Bisexual people face homophobia

Homophobia is not an intolerance of gay and lesbian people, but of people attracted to people of the same gender. Therefore many bisexual people can regularly face it in addition to biphobia. That means someone reporting homophobic abuse is equally likely to be bisexual as gay or lesbian. Someone could also identify as heterosexual but receive homophobic or biphobic hostility. Sometimes there can be uncertainty over whether an apparently homophobic word or action was being used in an anti-bisexual way. Determining how it should be recorded should be done together with the service user.

Make a positive impact

For every biphobic incident or crime someone tells you about there will be many more unreported. Help people feel that telling you was worthwhile. An important but under-utilised way of doing that is by referral to bisexual and LGBT support, advice, advocacy and social groups. Though some people are able to get criminal justice outcomes, many do not. Enable people to consider a range of options including help from police, discrimination law, restorative justice, emotional support, or assistance complaining about biphobic attitudes from a provider of goods or services.

Bisexual people are diverse

Many people face hostility that they feel had multiple types of motivation, for instance both biphobic and racist. They are entitled to ask police and other safety services to record it under several hate incident categories. Ask open questions about motivation and support service users in determining their own account of events. Also, bear in mind that a crime or incident may have more than one hate motivation.

Be led by perception

It is the right of anyone reporting hostility to ask safety services to record something as biphobic. That is because police guidance states that any crime or non-criminal incident should be recorded as motivated by sexual orientation hatred (including biphobia and homophobia) if the person reporting it feels it was motivated that way. Though courts need evidence to record a hate crime, police and other services do not need proof to record an incident or crime as biphobic and/or other hostility.

Create a safe environment

Many bisexual people feel pressured to pass as straight or gay when talking to services. Some people believe that bisexual people who are not in open same sex relationships are lucky being able to pass as straight, but feeling pressured to keep your identity secret is stressful. It also prevents people from disclosing important information about incidents. Make efforts to enable service users to feel safe disclosing issues related to their identity.

Speak out

Demonstrate that you take biphobia seriously by speaking out against it. Explicitly name biphobia in promotional material. Leave bisexual inclusive literature and posters in public spaces. Invite a speaker from a local group to a team meeting. Send bisexual inclusion resources to colleagues. Challenge biphobic attitudes where you see them. Mark Bi Visibility Day on 23rd September. Include bisexual people in case studies. Invite bisexual speakers when organising events.

Change recording systems

Criminal law recognises hate crime motivated by sexual orientation, which includes biphobia and homophobia. However, most organisations only have one recording category to record both, which they normally label as ‘homophobic hate crime’. Ideally, recording systems should have a separate category for each, but failing that, ensure any biphobic motivation is specifically named on the narrative incident record.

Recognise bisexual diversity

People’s sexual identity does not always fit into a neat box. Under the bisexual umbrella you find people who feel a strong tie to bisexual communities and others who do not. Some people are polyamorous (have relationships with multiple consenting people), while others are in monogamous relationships. You also find pansexual people (gender doesn’t determine who they are attracted to) and people have a fluid attitude toward gender. Whatever terms someone uses about themselves, try to be flexible in understanding it.

Avoid assumptions

Ask open questions about service users identity and the gender of partners. Ask open questions about whether they felt there was any kind of prejudice motivating an incident. Do not presume that everyone who reports homophobia is gay or that everyone in a mixed sex relationship is straight. Be open to the possibility of an incident being biphobic, even if a service user has not identified themselves as bisexual.

Mind your language

Avoid slipping into language that can exclude people. Do not use the word ‘gay’ to refer to all LGBT people and issues. Refer to same sex relationships instead of gay relationships. Talk about mixed sex relationships instead of straight relationships. It is fine to talk about homophobia in specific cases, but when talking about LGBT communities as a whole, mention biphobia alongside homophobia and transphobia.

Reach out

Find out about local, regional or national bisexual groups and events. Start dialogue with bisexual communities to find out about their experiences and needs, while acknowledging that they are underresourced and have little capacity. Consult them on changes to your service. Ask for their expertise and support their work in exchange. Promote opportunities to get involved in your structures, such as independent advisory groups and management committees.

Create change internally

Aim to make bisexual people feel welcomed and accepted. Acknowledge that they have different needs to gay, lesbian and heterosexual people. Look into finding a way to officially record biphobic hate crimes and incidents. Get specific training on bisexual issues and needs. Ask questions about how your and other organisations are meeting their equality and human rights duties for bisexual people. Ask inclusive questions on forms. Ask a bisexual community group for their opinion about the accessibility of your service.

Be a good employer

Being a bisexual-positive employer is a legal duty, but also sends a message that you are serious about building inclusive services. Start by acknowledging that lack of inclusion of bisexual staff may be an issue. Work toward creating an environment where people can feel safe being out. Explicitly cover biphobic attitudes and behaviour within policies. Encourage LGBT staff and service user networks to provide a safe space for bisexual people.

[hekatepoetryxxwriting]

How is the transgression of boundaries explored in ‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter and ‘Carmilla’ by J. Sheridan Le Fanu?

In ‘Carmilla’ by J. Sheridan Le Fanu and ‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter, the idea of female oppression being thwarted by the women’s self-awareness of their sexuality and their ability to use it as a form of power is explored through various boundary transgressions in both novels. ‘Carmilla’ be Le Fanu was influenced by real life Countess Elizabeth Bathory and was the predecessor to Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’. ‘Carmilla’ is also referenced in Angela Carter’s short story ‘The Bloody Chambers’ (it is the name given to one of the Marquis’ previous wives), thus linking the two novels together.

In another one of Carter’s stories, ‘The Company of Wolves’, there is a transgression of gender roles regarding the girl in the story. In the Gothic genre, women usually fall into three types: The Trembling Victim, The Femme Fatale, and The Crone. However, the child in this story is none of these, and displays strength that defies the stereotypes in her confrontation with the werewolf as seen when she ‘burst out laughing; she knew she was nobody’s meat’[1], which is itself is sexual symbolism that makes the ‘meat’ a metaphor for the sexual objectification of women’s bodies, which she rejects by laughing. Her laughter is also a mockery of the patriarchal expectation of submissiveness that men believe all women possess. It suggests that the girl is aware of the power her sexuality carries, much like a femme fatale. The same could also be said for ‘Carmilla’, where Laura’s father ‘won’t consent to you leaving us’[2]even though he has no familial ties to Carmilla. In both stories, the fathers seem to be in a superior position within the family, and evidence of this can be found not only in that quote from ‘Carmilla’, but also from the line ‘Her father might forbid her’[3]in ‘The Company of Wolves’. The verb ‘forbid’suggests that he hold powers over his daughter and is able to control her actions. This is a reflection of the patriarchal family systems which were in place up until the late 1970s, when men were considered the breadwinners. Angela Carter, a feminist, was part of the movement that broke down those family systems; Carroll Davids referred to this in her review of Angela Carter; “Angela Carter’s portrayal of husbands and fathers not only reflects the ideals of her time, but also contradicts them on occasion with the femininity of the men.”[4]

There is also a transgression of gender through the empowerment of female characters in ‘Carmilla’ and ‘The Werewolf’. In both of these texts, the female character succeeds through her own means, rather than relying on a man to support her. In ‘Carmilla’, it is through death that Carmilla is able to gain power. This idea is strengthened through Laura’s speech to Carmilla in Chapter 4, where she asserts that ‘Girls are caterpillars while they live in the world, to be finally butterflies when the summer comes’[5]. The use of this metaphor suggests that girls are only free of the constraints that surround women when they have died, a suggestion that is supported by Colleen Damman’s analysis of the novel “as a woman, Carmilla can only claim her sexuality after death. Thus, vampirism is the only way she can express her own carnal desires. Besides marriage, becoming a vampire is one of the only ways that female sexuality is licensed in the Victorian era”[6]. Meanwhile, in ‘The Werewolf’, the child represents the New Woman and is pitted against her grandmother, who represents the generation of women who have fallen under the thumb of a patriarchal society. The final line states ‘Now the child lived in her grandmother’s house; she prospered.’[7]which implies that the child benefits from the downfall of the previous generation and is able to live happily without a husband or children. This conclusion suggests that women can live complete and fulfilled lives without needing to be married. Angela Carter’s feminist views on empowerment were controversial during her lifetime, including negative reviews for her book ‘The Sadeian Woman’ due to its defence of the Marquis de Sade, who wrote violent erotic novels that many consider sexist and inspired the word ‘sadism’. In regards to the empowerment in ‘Carmilla’, Elizabeth Signorotti states that “Le Fanu allows Laura and Carmilla to usurp male authority and to bestow themselves on whom they please, completely excluding male participation in the exchange of women”[8].

The inclusion of the female ‘Monster’ in ‘The Lady of the House of Love’ and ‘Carmilla’ also transgresses the boundaries placed around gender and the roles women play in society. The Countess is a vampire, much like Carmilla, and bears similarities to Elizabeth Bathory, the acclaimed ‘Blood Countess' who was rumoured to be a relation of Vlad the Impaler. The Countess in Carter’s tale embodies the idea of a Gothic Femme Fatale through the description ‘Everything about this beautiful and ghastly lady is as it should be, queen of night, queen of terror’[9]- the repetition of ‘queen’ places emphasis upon her position within the story. She is the highest authority within the text, being the queen, and is not subject to male dominance. In ‘Carmilla’, the monster is humanised at its death by Laura ‘a sharp stake was driven through the heart of the vampire, who uttered a piercing shriek at the moment, in all respects such as might escape from a living person in the last agony.’[10]and a simile is used to liken the monster’s pain to that of a human’s, implying that Carmilla is not actually that different from human beings. It seems that Le Fanu, like Carter, is suggesting that women who are free from male dominated societies are not monsters but are in fact just as human as everyone else. Le Fanu’s decision to focus on a female vampire may have been influenced by the legends he would have known growing up, namely the stories of the Leanan Sidhe and the Dearg-Due. These myths revolved around female vampiric creatures that preyed upon Irish youths and left a lasting effect on the victims even after the creature’s death (Laura never fully recovers from the effect of Carmilla, and often imagines she will return.). A connection between Le Fanu and the myths of the Leanan Sidhe and the Dearg-Due can be made as his mother read Irish folk tales to him when he was a child.

The continued transgression of gender moves onto the reversal of gender roles in ‘The Erl King’ and ‘Carmilla’. In ‘The Erl King’, the titular character defies the stereotypical role of men in literature as it states that ‘He is an excellent housewife.’ -[11]Carter ironically using the feminine spousal term for him. Aside from this, he has long hair he frequently combs and he takes part in activities that were frequently considered feminine, such as cooking, basket weaving and collecting flowers. Carter may have taken elements from the traditional Pagan god ‘The Green Man’ and his myth; he completed a loop in which he would conceive a child with ‘The Goddess’, die, and then be reborn as the child he created. Certainly, the Erl King is similar in appearance, as well as the narrator of the story stating ‘I would lodge inside your body and you would bear me’[12]. This is a metaphorical reference to birth, something only females are capable of, which juxtaposes the idea of the Erl King birthing the narrator. ‘Carmilla’ does the opposite, as Le Fanu gives Carmilla masculine qualities, the most obvious being her inhuman strength ‘and unscathed, caught him in her tiny grasp by the wrist.’[13]The use of the adjective ‘tiny’juxtaposes the power Carmilla is able to demonstrate. Moreover, a less obvious trait of masculinity is Carmilla’s lesbianism which was , in Le Fanu’s time, sinful in Ireland, and sexual desire for women would have only been acceptable from men. The inclusion of homoerotic features in ‘Carmilla’ points towards Le Fanu’s possibly relaxed view of homosexuality, as pointed out by Christy Byks, who states “Le Fanu, one of the godfathers of Gothic, appears to draw upon features that women would not have been given during his era, and his writing of Carmilla and her inability to fit in with most female Gothic characters would likely have been a topic of controversy within Ireland, a country ruled by religion.”[14]. This idea is supported by the introduction of Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’, which takes many ideas from ‘Carmilla’. Many literary theorists suggest that Bram Stoker wrote ‘Dracula’ as an answer to the female centric ‘Carmilla’, choosing to re-focus the story upon men, with women being forced back into smaller, weaker roles.

Further transgressions of boundaries, including the transgression of religious boundaries, can be viewed in ‘The Company of Wolves’. This story mocks religion through an intrusive narrator who informs you ‘you can hurl your Bible at him and your apron after, granny… and all the angels in heaven to protect you but it won’t do you any good.’[15]This is the intruding narrator mocking the two key aspects that Carter believed held women back, that being the ‘Bible’and the ‘apron’, which is a not just a symbol of stereotypical femininity; a feminist literary study showed that almost every female character in a fairy-tale wears an apron, referencing their roles as the housewife. seems to be Carter herself, who openly stated that she thinks “Mother Goddesses are just as silly a notion as father gods. If a revival of the myths of these cults gives women emotional satisfaction, it does so at the price of obscuring the real conditions of life. This is why they were invented in the first place.”[16]Rather similarly, in ‘Carmilla’, Le Fanu presents Carmilla’s aversion to religion, and portrays a fight between Carmilla and Laura’s father, which could represent an argument about nature versus God. Carmilla speaks against Christianity ‘”Creator! _Nature! _” said the young lady in answer to my gentle father. “And this disease that invades the country… and under the earth, act and live as Nature ordains? I think so”’[17]. The caesura used between the words ‘creator’and ‘nature’ not only symbolises her anger, but in placing a caesura here, Le Fanu separates God from Nature, and therefore denies religion the claim of creating everything. This scene contrasts with Le Fanu’s own background, whose father brought up the entire household with strong Catholic beliefs.

This questioning of religion perhaps suggests why there is also a transgression of moral boundaries in both texts. The ‘Trembling Victims’ within ‘Carmilla’ and ‘The Lady of the House of Love’ are Laura and the Soldier. Both texts include a similar juxtaposition of feelings towards the ‘monster’. In ‘Carmilla’, Laura portrays the Gothic feature of ‘The Uncanny, in people’s reaction to her; “but there was also something of repulsion. In this ambiguous feeling, however, the sense of attraction immensely prevailed.’[18]This shows that Laura subconsciously knows that something is wrong with Carmilla, because like most Victorians of the time, she reflects the belief that the appearance of a person was an indicator of their moral standing. Carter’s ‘The Lady of the House of Love’ has a similar scene in which ‘Her huge dark eyes almost broke his heart with their waiflike, lost look; yet he was disturbed, almost repelled, by her extraordinarily fleshy mouth’[19]The descriptive imagery and modified noun phrases work to emphasise the Countess’ appearance and how the soldier is affected by this, and it also represents the notion of the ‘Male Gaze’, the theory presented by Laura Mulvey, that women are either sexual objects there to satisfy men, or the housewife. The two notions are represented in the Gothic genre as the Femme Fatale and the Trembling Victim, and the Countess in ‘The Lady of the House of Love’ has facial features that are stereotypical of both women. Her ‘huge dark eyes’ and ‘waiflike, lost look’ are used often in the description of innocence, whilst her ‘extraordinarily fleshy mouth’ is a sign of sexualisation. Freud’s theory of ‘The Madonna and the Whore’ also comes into play here, as the Countess and Carmilla both bear qualities (both physically and metaphorically) of innocence and sexuality. The presentation of the soldier as a Trembling Victim links with Angela Carter’s view that not only should women become more masculine, but that men should also embrace femininity.

Laura in ‘Carmilla’ transgresses the sexual boundaries placed around her by choosing to refuse medical treatment from her father and the doctor. In doing so, she rejects the idea of curing her illness, which is a metaphor for lesbianism, and becomes free to make her own decisions in regards to her body. She takes on the dominant role in saying ‘I would not admit that I was ill, I would not consent to tell my papa, or to have the doctor sent for’[20]by making her own decisions regarding her wellbeing. The first-person pronoun ‘I’ is used so that the readers understand that Laura is the sole maker of these decisions. Through this illness, she has been able to gain freedom from her father. According to Christy Byks, Laura’s illness is a visualisation of what Victorian’s believed homosexuality was: a disease that needed to be cured. Byks says “Two ideas are at work in this passage. First is Laura’s father’s attempt to control the women who are becoming “ill” and dying; the men want to “cure” her (Laura) by making her well and keeping her among the living, for it is in death that the women break free… By making these interactions with Carmilla a medical problem, the situation can be contained and defined, thus still under the control of men”[21]. Angela Carter also provides transgressions of sexuality when placing women in the dominant position. In ‘The Company of Wolves’, it is the girl who makes the first move towards sexual intercourse, as suggested by the removal of her clothes in the extract ‘The thin muslin went flaring up the chimney like a magic bird and now came off her skirt, her woollen stockings, her shoes, and on to the fire they went, too, and were gone for good[22]’. A simile is used to present the girl’s clothes as a ‘magic bird’, and this personification of her clothing suggests that by removing her clothing, the girl, like a bird, is free to go wherever she wants to. The use of listing used within this quote also suggests that layers are being removed, eventually revealing the girl’s real desires beneath. Angela Carter herself believed that women were not given an equal role in sex, as stated in her book ‘The Sadeian Woman: The Ideology of Pornography’. In her comparison of Justine and Juliette, she states “Women do not normally fuck in the active sense. They are fucked in the passive tense and hence automatically fucked-up, done over, undone.”[23]and it is clear that this idea of a preference of submissive women over dominant ones had a large influence on how Angela Carter shaped her female protagonists and their attitudes to sexual desire, especially in regards to ‘Wolf-Alice’, who’s title character, like the Marquis De Sade’s Justine and Juliette, was originally housed in a convent after being found with the wolves.

The portrayal of the convent in ‘Wolf-Alice’ itself does not conform to the traditional view of religion, and instead transgresses religious boundaries by presenting the nuns not as kind, helpful religious figures, but instead as oppressive matriarchs; the nuns’ only purpose in the story is to attempt to integrate Wolf-Alice into the human society they live in, evidenced when ‘The nuns poured water over her, poked her with sticks to rouse her’[24]and ‘Therefore, without a qualm, this nine days’ wonder and continuing embarrassment of a child was delivered over to the bereft and unsanctified household of the Duke’[25]. When they find they are unable to manipulate her into becoming like everyone else, their choice is to pass her off to a male figure instead, whose house is described as ‘bereft and unsanctified[26]’, which is ironic, as it means the nuns, extremely religious beings, abandon their ward in a house that is considered unholy. This irony serves the purpose of being a metaphor for how society treats outcasts as whole, by isolating them from those considered normal. Angela Carter herself believed religion to be mythical, and stated “I’m interested in myths because they are extraordinary lies designed to make people unfree”.[27]The second transgression of religious boundaries in ‘Carmilla’ is during the funeral scene where Carmilla states ‘Besides, how can you tell your religion and mine are the same… everyone_must die; and all are happier when they do.’[28]and uses a caesura, perhaps to indicate the way she views life. The use of ‘Why you must die--_everyone_must die’[29]indicates how short life is, and the suddenness of death is reflected in the caesuras. Furthermore, the use of ‘your religion and mine’ seperates the two, and conflicts with Victorian ideas of religion. Christianity was considered the one true religion, and therefore Carmilla suggesting she followed another religion would have been heresy. As well as this, her pain at hearing religious hymns in the line ‘”There! That comes of strangling people with hymns!”’[30]presents the idea of a supernatural aversion to religion and foreshadows the reveal of Carmilla’s vampiric nature.

In conclusion, the varied transgressions presented within the two novels provide solid evidence of both authors’ awareness of the problems that are faced by females within traditional literary roles, and both Carter and Le Fanu are able to present their arguments using a variation of language features and characters whilst managing to keep a strong theme of female sexuality at the forefront of their stories.

[1]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [2]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [3]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [4]Carroll Davids on: How Does Angela Carter Deconstruct Conventional And Repressive Gender Identities In The Bloody Chamber [5]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [6]Colleen Damman on: Women's sexual liberation from Victorian patriarchy in Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla [7]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [8]Elizabeth Signorotti on: Repossessing the Body: Transgressive Desire in Carmilla and Dracula [9]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [10]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [11]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [12]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [13]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [14]Christy Byks on: Women's sexual liberation from Victorian patriarchy in Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla [15]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [16]‘The Sadeian Woman: The Ideology of Pornography’ by Angela Carter [17]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [18]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [19]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [20]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [21]Christy Byks on: Women's sexual liberation from Victorian patriarchy in Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla [22]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [23] ‘The Sadeian Woman: The Ideology of Pornography’ by Angela Carter [24]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [25]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [26]‘The Bloody Chambers & Other Stories’ by Angela Carter [27]Angela Carter on: Religion by SlideShare [28]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [29]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu [30]‘Carmilla’ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Morality-Focused Frameworks Of Discussion As Acts of Control

This is a post in response to a larger conversation I’ve been having with @eshusplayground. I have a perspective that I think would be really relevant to the conversation but I also don’t want to derail the specific focus of the following posts she’s been making recently.

(Trigger Warning For Abuse Discussion and Brief Mentions of Rape)

---

So I’m in the Hellraiser fandom. More specifically, I’m a Pinhead/Kirsty shipper.

For those of you that don’t know, Pinhead is a demonic torturer from hell who’s design is inspired by the BDSM community. Characters who open a magical puzzle box have unknowingly given themselves away to his violent underworld community of eternal torment and depravity. Hellraiser is a film about romantic and sexual horror, and there’s quite a lot in there about abuse and trauma. Kirsty is a traumatized person, and in my personal opinion, very likely a CSA victim.

And I ship these two characters together.

So the subject matter of my particular fandom is extremely intense and niche and complicated to navigate, although YMMV (I have no trouble with this franchise, but I cannot really handle GOT or American Horror Story, for example). After I grew interested in Hellraiser and integrated into it’s fandom, my perspectives about the way we have conversations about villainous characters started to have a major shift.

I often see people have these intense conversations (and arguments) about where a particular character exists on a moral scale, with the subtext (or outright text) that if they tip too far one way or another, they can be rendered unworthy of their own subgroup of fans within their own fandom. People who love those characters or find them shippable are then subject to moral judgements.

So how does one apply such logic to a psychosexual torture demon?

The answer is you can’t.

The frameworks people online use to have these discussions do not make any sense when talking about my fandom. Hellraiser is a dark horror fairytale presenting disturbing, surreal images and behaviors in order to discuss complex and difficult experiences and perspectives. The monsters within it, like Pinhead, are more metaphor than anything.

Now, my follower count is too low and my fandom is too niche for me to really be on the receiving end of a lot of the cruelty that manifests online about the moral validity of the fiction I enjoy. That said, between the anti-kink TERFS and the younger folks involved in purity culture on this site, I can imagine exactly what it would look like. You know what they would look like.

“You’re an Abuse Apologist!”

“You’re an Abuse Fetishist!”

“You’re reinforcing sexism!”

“he’s an irredeemable torturer, you’re probably okay with literal real world rape lmao uwu”

“This is bad kink representation and you’re complicit in the abuse real men do to women because you like this!”

Now, setting aside the fact that the canon lore context of Pinhead involves him having a human soul brainwashed by a monster god to become what he is, and is also in a roundabout sense “redeemed” in canon, I think most people utilizing this kind of framework would assume that I believe Pinhead can be redeemed in the way online Discourse (tm) means it, because that’s how we talk in fandom about the villains we really like.

I do not want to redeem Pinhead. I don’t think he even needs redeeming. I don’t even see value in that conversation at all. Redemption is not a concept that makes sense for what he is, or what he could become as a character. The framework of Pinhead as a Real-World-Equivalent Human Male Abuser who Cannot Be Redeemed From His Actions would inevitably dominate all conversation, regardless of the fact that it is inherently incorrect and detrimental to real, robust literary analysis of the narrative he exists within and how brilliantly it actually interacts with male on female abuse as a subject. By nature of it’s gross oversimplification and misrepresentation, It ruins the potential for greater, more nuanced and complex conversations.

And that’s the thing: my engagement with this particular story and it’s characters has a lot to do with the potential in the narrative to examine how trauma interacts with love, desire and gender politics. Hellraiser has a very unique way of exploring that kind of subject through a storytelling aesthetic that appeals to me (horror/fairytale, gothic romance, etc).

This is about to get personal, so strap the fuck in.

I am the victim of gendered abuse, in that I had an emotionally abusive step father and sexism was absolutely a factor in why that manifested the way it did. I am also a second hand victim of gendered abuse, in that my biological father was a serial stalker and rapist, and other male abusers (or just self-centered family members) caused severe emotional destabilization in my childhood. I grew up viewing adult men as unstable, selfish children. My family endured a lot, and I came to resent the men in my mother’ life for not taking on the role of protector and nurturer when she needed them most. I had discovered the great lie of traditional masculinity: in the face of real crisis, grown men were not protectors. They did not hold together the domestic space. They abused or faltered and abandoned us. This was a repeated pattern among several men in different roles. I was often left picking up all the pieces, taking on roles as a child that these men could not. I had to have strength they did not.

My experience of desire for romantic intimacy with men and men in roles of stable, nurturing authority now inherently involves a jumbled emotional soup of fear, pain, and a deep longing that comes from a place of feminine vulnerability, a desire to be taken care of instead of being the caretaker.

The narrative of Hellraiser pushes a lot of buttons for me. It speaks to my own trauma experiences in a very specific way. In an effort to further that conversation, I’m trying to create a piece of art (a fic) inspired by the deeply personal feelings this film gives me.

For me, Pinhead represents the Jungian shadow masculine, a simultaneous mix of fear and desire, the potential for suffering and pleasure, and everything in between. These experiences are inherently intertwined for me. And Kirsty’s experiences mirror many of my own.

In other words, in order for me to get out of Hellraiser what I get out of Hellraiser, Pinhead has to be exactly what he is, and everything that he is. Which includes monstrosity. Which includes the potential for change. His place in the narrative must fully, truly embody this conversation I need to have with masculinity, which inherently involves painful, scary things.

Anybody demanding that I either denounce my interest in him as morally offensive because he’s a monster in the full sense of the word (and not just the aesthetic one like what is currently trending in Monster Boyfriend fandom), or force a traditional redemption arc upon him as if he were a real life human person who must repent for his real life sins, are essentially saying that I am not allowed to engage with this work of fiction in a way that is transformative for me. And that’s very unfortunate, because honestly, I think my perspective is so much more dynamic and has so much more to offer.

This is not just about basic catharsis. This is not even a power fantasy about emotionally transforming a powerful (white) dude, or “bad boy” fantasies, both standard arguments for villain stanning that feels like it has never truly represented me or the complexity of my experiences and interests. This is a full-on conversation and act of self expression I want to have through art about the experience of fear and trauma when dealing with men as a woman who desires men.

And I don’t think a person has to be traumatized in order to want to engage with this type of fiction. I want to be clear that my experience is not a justification for my interest (I do not need to justify myself), it is an example of a perspective that gets erased by the framework of these conversations.

To me, the framework of moral validity for enjoying fictional villains and monsters and whatever you please feels incredibly stifling to the complex, dynamic ideas and analysis that I want to engage in, because I, and many people I know, are consistently pressured to structure their thoughts with this framework as the only acceptable baseline of discussion. This is so ubiquitous that when people I’ve known have tried to engage in ways that diverge from that framework, the responses they get are outright confused or direct the conversation right back to the original framework they tried to avoid. Complex conversation gets steamrolled.

Somewhere in the conversation we were all having about acknowledging and discussing abuse and oppression, and acknowledging troubling patterns in media which reinforce the normalization of abuse and opression, some people decided that there was a very serious moral discussion to be had regarding the mere act of liking things which involve dark subject matter and complex, or even monstrous characters. They now argue that there are very clear cut, simple moral frameworks for A) telling stories and B) enjoying stories, and most importantly, that this moral framework is a valid justification for the social treatment and silencing of certain people.

A framework, by the way, which I think is actually not functionally a framework, because like the toxic American fundamentalist christian groups it’s thinking is structured from, it does not account for the vastly diverse moral landscape within it’s own space. There is no objectively consistent body of knowledge anybody is working from, because morals are derived from the human experience, which is inherently subjective.

Interestingly, no where does this have more of an impact than with marginalized people, and people like me, who want to express something deeper and more meaningful in the conversation about abuse and oppression than what this framework really offers us. To be honest, The more I see this kind of conversation making the rounds, the clearer it becomes that it’s a means of control and power game playing. It’s not about morality, but about how morality can be leveraged in order to silence truly diverse and nuanced perspectives and uphold people’s sense of self-comfort. It is a means of supplanting more convenient and easily digestible understandings of these highly complex subjects that require more intensive, thoughtful engagement, especially when it gets challenging. This kind of rhetoric absolves people of making room for complex and diverse experiences, and reinforces an (at face-value) easy to follow set of moral rules of how we are all allowed to think and feel.

The implication of all of this is that if we all adhere to the One True (alleged) Moral Framework of Fandom Engagement, then we will somehow come out on the other side with all the Good People having a Great Time having Squeaky Clean Fun. And I don’t think I should have to tell you at this point how stifling and disturbing the implications of that kind of mentality really are.

 Quite frankly, I think a lot of us are very tired of constantly speaking on other people’s terms.

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[killian-whump]

I feel so bad about liking whump and I want to stop but I don’t know how

Oh, Nonny. If I could, I’d give you a big huge hug right now, because I feel like you really could use one.

First of all, I want to tell you in no uncertain terms that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You’re a beautiful human being, just like every other human being - made up of a pure soul and a whole big mess of totally natural idiosyncrasies, impulses, and interests that are entirely beyond your control. There are a lot of things in life that we can control - our actions, where and how we apply ourselves to our goals, our career paths, our relationships and interactions with others... but when it comes to the very core of our selves, our likes and dislikes, the things that appeal to us, comfort us, or even arouse us - we’re truly at the whim of an intricate mix of neurons and chemistry that we humans can scarcely even understand, let alone control. There are aspects of the whole shebang that are determined by “nurture” rather than “nature” - but nearly all of those things (if not ALL of them entirely) were set in stone long before you were old enough and smart enough to do anything about any of them. So what does this all mean?

Liking whump isn’t your fault. It’s nothing you chose for yourself, and it’s obviously not even something you want. It just is what it is. It’s the same as how someone born with diabetes or autism just is how they are. The only difference is that science can see and measure where and how someone with a physiological divergence veers from the norm, and it’s generally acknowledged that those variances are due to no fault of their own. But thankfully, society is starting to realize that a lot of things that can’t be measured or “seen” in a person’s physical makeup (like gender, sexual preference, mental/emotional disorders, etc) are no less a part of who they are and equally beyond their control. Liking whump is absolutely no different.

It's easy to lump “liking whump” in with other things we might like - the movie genres we like, the shows we watch, the authors we read. However, the polls and discussions us whumpers have taken part in point to whump being something much deeper than just a trope we enjoy. There are emotional and sexual aspects to it (even in those who don’t consider whump to be a sexual kink - the fact that so many whumpers identify as asexual is too coincidental to BE coincidental!) that point to it being more of a core aspect of one’s personality than a mere intellectual fancy.

And that means... Liking whump isn’t something you just quit. With all of the whumpers I’ve spoken with over the years, I’ve never met a single one whose interest in whump faded or magically went away. It might change or evolve, but it tends to remain a part of who you are for the long haul. So the sooner you can make peace with it and stop feeling bad about it... the better!

To start with, you need to stop feeling bad about it. As I’ve said, liking whump is NOT something you chose for yourself. It’s even something you’ve tried to get rid of. So feeling bad or guilty about it makes about as much sense as feeling bad about a mole you might have or the color of your eyes. You’re being unnecessarily hard on yourself, Nonny, and you need to stop it.

Secondly, the things we think about or even enjoy in the privacy of our own minds is no one’s business but our own. Your mind, your thoughts, and your fantasies are all yours and yours alone. No one has the right to judge - or even know - what goes on in there. That is YOUR sacred space and literally anything that happens in there is perfectly okay. It’s what you DO, the actions you take and the choices you make in life, that determine what kind of person you are - NOT the thoughts and images that float through your mind or bring you pleasure. Thoughts are not action. Fantasies are not reality.

Liking whump does not make you a bad person.

Daydreaming about, say, your favorite character/crush/celebrity getting kidnapped and kept in a dungeon isn’t bad. It’s a private, personal fantasy that brings you some kind of satisfaction and makes you feel good - and hurts no one. It is entirely different from actually kidnapping someone and keeping them in a dungeon - which is really, really, really bad and also very illegal and would definitely hurt people and is generally an awful idea. You see? One is not the other, and you needn’t worry about one turning into the other - I haven’t yet met a whumper who’s gone off the deep end and acted on any of their whumpy imaginings!

At least, not with an unwilling partner ;) Which is the other thing to consider: Some whumpers are sexual sadists. They get aroused by seeing others in pain. Rather conveniently for such people, there are also masochists in this great world of ours - folks who get aroused by being in pain. One finds their counterpart in the other and both get their needs met. And, again, there’s nothing wrong with it. No one is getting hurt that doesn’t want to be hurt, and it’s no one’s business but the people engaged in that relationship.

So be nicer to yourself, Nonny. Whether you’re an all-out sexual sadist or just a more general kind of whump-lover, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve got an unusual interest (maybe even a kink, that’s your call) that no one ever even has to know about unless you want them to. That’s it. That’s all it is. You’re not bad, you’re not evil, you’re not morally bankrupt, you’re not destined to become a serial killer or end up in prison. You’re just a regular, normal person with an extra spicy imagination. Give yourself permission to enjoy it!

Just, you know, keep it in your head (or in your writing/art/etc) and don’t become a criminal mastermind ;) Or if you do... remember your good ol’ pal KW and send me a couple of cute sex slaves. I like ‘em dark and broody. Thanks ;)

[xmanicpanicx]

Romanticized Things That Aren't Actually Romantic

1) The "shut up" kiss

It happens in more movies, TV shows, and novels than I can even count. One half of the couple (usually a woman or girl) will be talking, and the other person (usually a guy) will suddenly lay an ol’ sloppy one on her mouth. Often times, she’s rambling about her insecurities, so some people think it’s cute when he kisses her, symbolically laying her worries to rest. Don’t worry, hon! There’s nothing to be insecure about! He likes you! There are two big problems with this. The first is that when someone is speaking, you shouldn’t cut them off; best case scenario, it’s rude. Of course, people cut each other off all the time in conversation, so that’s different. But when a character interrupts another character’s speech to kiss them, they are essentially prioritizing their sexual desires over the other person’s need to express themselves. It’s an action that has an agenda. Everyone wants to be truly listened to when they speak. So if, for example, we have a female character babbling about her insecurities, the male character should hear her out, and then respond to what she says. There is plenty of romantic potential in words — even more than in kisses, in my opinion. His response could still be a kiss after she’s finished speaking (as long as it’s not a rattlesnake-strike type of kiss that doesn’t give her a choice). However, we still have another problem: the female character’s self-confidence shouldn’t be contingent upon the male character’s opinion of her. In other words, a kiss from a guy, no matter how much she loves him, will not and should not heal her negative perception of herself. Not healthy. Real people and characters should accept themselves on their own terms rather than on the approval of others.

Sometimes, the sudden kiss will come in the middle of a female character’s angry rant. The male character thinks she’s cute or sexy when she’s angry, which can be frustrating and patronizing for anyone who voices their anger because they want to be listened to and taken seriously. But regardless of why the character is talking, the other character should stop kissin’ and start listenin’.

2) Female double standards

Women and girls often feel really uncomfortable when men objectify them and make comments on their bodies, so they call these men out — and rightfully so. They also call male authors out for only describing women in terms of their bodies and giving them very little, if any, personality. Once again, rightfully so. Unfortunately, in real life and in literature, there is a double standard here. It’s one thing to write an erotic novel in which bodies of every gender are described in explicit detail and with an express purpose. But I’ve read novels without any sexual content that go into so much detail about guys’ looks. And these male characters are often not well-developed, either (think of the stereotypical jock with a hot bod and no brain). Authors — especially female authors, who are usually the ones perpetuating this — need to do better than this. If it's not okay to do that to girls, it's not okay to do that to guys, either. Also, what is up with that scene from The Notebook? The one where Rachel McAdams repeatedly slaps Ryan Gosling because he’s breaking up with her. How on Earth is that okay? The Notebook is widely considered to be a super-romantic movie, but there is nothing romantic about that scene, and it should be a deal-breaker for their relationship. If the tables were turned and Ryan Gosling slapped Rachel McAdams for breaking up with him, the entire plot of the movie would be different. It would be a thriller, a story about a woman trying to escape a scary ex. We would never root for the two of them to get back together.

3) Overly-metaphorical sex scenes

Cheese, cheese, and more cheese. Would you like some crust and tomato sauce with all that cheese? So many novels shy away from the anatomical details and favor metaphors for how the sex makes the characters (or just the narrating character) feel. In theory, there is nothing wrong with this, but I personally tend to roll my eyes more often than not at the actual execution. The narrator will say something too dramatic, like “our bodies became one and the universe opened up before me.” Or “and then we were flying, soaring with and through one another.” Or something else that is just… not sexy. As far as being poetic, there isn’t anything special about those phrases, either. There is nothing wrong with describing sex as it really is. I realize that novels featuring sex that are aimed at young adults probably cannot describe things too explicitly, but there’s no need to replace dirty details with flowery language. Go for whatever sincerity you can in the situation. There are plenty of different emotions to mine and sensual details leading up to the actual sex that read more thrillingly than the sex scene itself. 

4)  Instalove

It's simply not as much fun to see characters fall for each other right away. And how could they possibly fall for each other right away, anyhow? Is it all about looks? If so, both characters are instantly less likable because they're shallow. And that's not real love, either. You need to actually know someone in order to feel a such a deep emotion for them.

It's also important to note that making the characters "love" each other at the outset of the story does not heighten the emotional stakes. It actually cheapens them. Because how can we take this so-called love seriously when we don't get to know, don't get to care about, the characters as individual people before they fall for each other?

Now, if we get to know each character and watch them get to know each other, and slowly fall for each other, that's much more rewarding.  It's character growth, and it's a whole process that we, as readers, get to experience vicariously though them.

This may just be a personal preference, but I think it's best to even avoid phrases like “my heartbeat skipped” or “my skin tingled when our hands brushed” in the beginning stages of the story. Even though the declarations of love and outright displays off affection may come later on, statements like these reveal instant attraction, which still isn't as rewarding as attraction that grows over time and through events.

5) Love interests being obsessed with each other

From approximately 2005-2015, YA literature saw a horde of books featuring teenage girls and boys who are everything to each other. I almost mean that literally. The first really popular book like this was Twilight, but it had a huge influence on everything in YA that came after, especially YA fantasy. How romantic, some people think, that hero lives for the heroine! And vice versa! Perfect! Meant to be! Everyone wishes they could have that one, true, perfect love! 

Listen. Go back to Britney Spears’s first album and play the song “Born to Make You Happy”: ”I don’t know how to live without your love, I was born to make you happy.” Solid 90s bubblegum pop, but with unhealthy lyrics. An unhealthy mentality. Most of us are familiar with that heady, all-consuming feeling of falling in love, how it feels like that’s the best and happiest part of life as it’s happening. There’s nothing wrong with portraying that. It’s relatable. The glorification of it beyond all else is the problem. The hero and heroine have scares throughout the story during which they almost lose each other, and that brings to light just how strongly they feel each other, to the extreme that nothing matters except each other. Then, of course, they ultimately end up together, happily ever after, never having to part again. But in real life, people break up, or sometimes even die. People have no choice but to be apart from the person they loved so much from then on. And it’s devastating, but it’s not the end, even if it sometimes feels like it. That’s why it’s so important for books to give some indicator that there are other things that matter besides (and dare I say even more than) the one person the hero/heroine is in love with. The characters have to have some sense of self-love or resilience. They have to have other people they care about, or at least values/principles and goals. They have to be an actual person, not just a vessel filled to the brim with love for just one other person. Romanticizing a co-dependent relationship can be hope-crushing message, especially for teenagers who haven’t had enough time to grow, to weather the storm of life and toughen up and become wiser and more self-aware and self-confident. 

7) The super dominant male love interest 

Okay, I’m not trying to kink-shame anyone because I know there are people who absolutely love this trope. I want to say it’s fine, as long as it remains in Tropeland. But even if women want to keep these love interests solely within their fantasies, I do worry about the message it sends to men, if it makes them think that they can be abusive douchebags because women are into that. I already know of far too many men who think that women are only into assholes. 

Personally, I’ll never understand the appeal of a man, fictional or otherwise, who dictates what a woman should wear, her food choices, where they go and what they do for dates ALL THE TIME. And jealousy! Sure, jealousy indicates that someone cares, and it’s a normal human emotion, but I’ll never understand the appeal of a guy who gets so jealous, he won’t allow his girlfriend any freedom. I’ll never understand how cruel, disparaging words could ever be on the same sexiness level as dirty talk. And I really, really will never understand how a man physically harming a woman could be considered sexy. It’s weak and cowardly, hurting someone who doesn’t stand a chance of fighting back because they’re nowhere near as strong.

I get the appeal of a guy who sees a woman as his equal and isn’t afraid to spar with her, challenge her, and maybe even be a little bit rough with her, knowing that she can handle it. I see the appeal of a confident man who isn’t afraid to tell a woman what he wants. When his presence becomes legitimately threatening and completely selfish, that’s when I personally see a problem. But hey, to each their own.

[ignitesthestxrs]

i apoligze for this in advance but idk who else to ask. so i’m attracted to women like 92% of the time but i’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. it’s not super serious yet but i still find myself feeling sad about never having had a gf/worrying i never will and just feeling like a bad queer. i KNOW that it’s terribly biphobic of me to think that if i a femme enby date a cis dude i’m not queer enough. but i also cant get past it no matter how many times i look at these ugly brain thoughts

first of all: you never have to apologise for sending me stuff like this. it is a known facet of my tumblr, and while i know i am hardly around at all, i do periodically check my inbox and am never angry or annoyed or any other negative emotion to see people reaching out for help/advice. i don’t always have the mental bandwidth to respond, but i am only ever glad that people still consider this a safe place to reach out to.

there are a couple of things i want to address here! in no particular order:

you are not a future teller or a psychic, no matter how much your worries and anxieties insist that they know what is coming. the fact that you are in a relationship with a man in this moment has no bearing on what relationships you may find yourself in, in the future. the fact that the person you are dating currently identifies as a man is no guarantee that they will always identify that way, even! you could be with them for the next couple of weeks or for the rest of your life and there are a million permutations in between and around those two options.

what i’m saying is - obsessing over things you might not do in the future because of things you are doing now is a game that nobody wins. you have no guarantees of what the future is going to hold - you can make decisions now based on what you want and/or expect the future to hold, but stressing about the path not taken means that you’re going to spend all your time straining to see that path and like, walk into a big boulder in the path you’re actually on or something. currently, you’re not even stressing about the fork in the road that you came across. you’re on a single path, and you’re worrying about a path you haven’t come across yet, which may or may not diverge from the path that you’re on, or might be in a different forest entirely and and and- at some point you gotta love the path you’re on and take in the scenery, my darling.

which, incidentally - this path? not incompatible with queerness. and i know you know this, but feeling it can be! so hard! so i am here to remind and reassure you that - queerness is not an action. the nature of identity is not things that you do, it is the person that you are. you do not cease to be non-binary because your outfit changes - your fashion choices are simply a way of expressing your non-binary-ness, and they are not the only way, and if you are not using fashion to express your enbyness then that doesn’t make you not enby. you don’t stop being enby when there is no one there to look at you and make external judgements about your gender, and you do not stop being queer because you are a femme-adjacent person dating a cis dude.

queerness is a thing that you are. you can take actions that express that queerness more clearly to outside observation, but outside observation does not change the fact of your queerness. i will not deny that it can make it easier to participate in community, because community is in part made up of particular signs that individuals recognise in each other and gravitate towards - but who you date is only one such sign. i’m a lesbian who hasn’t dated anyone for over half a decade - am i less queer because i have not hooked up with a chick in that time? i am not. if i fuck a dude am i less of a lesbian? idk man that depends on how i feel about fucking a dude. am i romantically and sexually attracted to the dude, or was his dick just inside me? what if he just uses his fingers? i feel like i could feasibly have sex with a cis man out of sheer curiosity and still be a lesbian, sure, but what if there’s a single man that just perfectly meets me where i am despite my overwhelming preference and interest in women? what if that man is trans? what does that mEAN? at which point do we stop dissecting identity and carving lines into each other?

queerness is a useful umbrella term to cover those people who exist out of heternormativity - cismen attracted to ciswomen, ciswomen attracted to cismen, exclusively. the second the spokes of that umbrella start poking you instead of protecting you from the rain, it has ceased to do its job. identity is useful in that it helps us understand ourselves and it helps us find community in other people, but there are no perfect words that encapsulate the whole of our individual experience, and there are no individual experiences that perfectly match up with another person’s individual experience, even if we use the same word/s to describe ourselves.

you can’t be biphobic at your own experiences. it’s not biphobic to look at the way you have identified previously/up to a certain point, to recognise a difference in your current behaviour, and feel weird or discomforted by this difference. it’s not biphobic to need some time to figure shit out - who you want to be, how you want to identify, what outfit fits you best. i think identity works best as a conversation with yourself - i think we should all be checking in on ourselves to make sure that the way are living is expressing the way we are being. this urge to build walls of definable identity is a protective instinct meant to save us and gather us together from the very real threats of a heteronormative society, but it can also mean we get trapped in a place that no longer suit us.

some practical advice - if the idea of never dating a girl stresses you out that much, i’d take a break from dating this dude, because it sounds like you have some work to do in terms of figuring out what experiences you want to have in life. but only you can decide where that stress line fractures, you know? but if you read this post and you sit with it for a bit and you find that the experience of dating this man is still making you miserable, it’s okay to take some time away from it. you don’t deserve misery.

that being said - like, you’ve only been dating him a few weeks? it’s cool to just envision this relationship in terms of weeks. you truly don’t have to stretch the current experience you are having out to cover the rest of your life in one daunting ‘what if’. so long as everyone involved in a relationship is clear with the terms of engagement, go forth and short term yourself some fuckin joy.

i stress, i beg, do not deny yourself the pleasure of a joyful experience with another human soul now because you are worried about what this means about other people’s perception of some amorphous identity. you are queer. you are a femme-enby person largely attracted to woman, but dating a man. you are queer, you are enough, you don’t need to question that anymore. i think that the last year, last four years, last lifetime has more than proven that life is, frankly, too fucking short. seize your joy and run with it. whether that means dating this man or take a pause to breathe and reflect, or whatever else! you’ll still be queer.

be kind to yourself my love i wish you well <3