#gays husbands discover being gay dads

[morganbritton132]

I absolutely love every time other people find something out about Steve and are just like ???

I wonder if any of his student’s parents are fans of Eddie’s but have no idea their kid’s teacher is married to him (perhaps finding out at career day 👀)

I love the thought of some rock n roll dad (aka: the guy in the minivan blaring Rage Against the Machine during morning drop off (aka: aka: my dad)) meeting his kid’s teacher during open house and seeing a picture on his desk of him and guitar legend, Eddie Munson.

Steve’s in the middle of explaining the curriculum for the year when Rock N Roll Dad points to a picture of him and Eddie backstage at the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame last year when Eddie presented like, “You like that guy?”

Steve looks from Rock N Roll Dad to the picture and then back, “Yeah, you could say that.”

Then he goes back to talking about what they should expect in terms of homework and that was that until parent/teacher conferences.

The first thing Rock N Roll Dad clocks in the new picture on Steve’s desk. It replaced the Eddie Munson one with a new one of the two of them in the parking lot after a local show. Steve’s got his arm thrown around Eddie’s neck, both of them smiling wide, and Gareth is in the background giving them bunny ears.

Rock N Roll Dad points to the framed picture like, “Pretty cool to have met ‘em.”  

“Yeah,” Steve nods. “It’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”

Rock N Roll Dad is not gay himself but he is not one of those ultra straight Corroded Coffin fans that liked to pretend that half the band isn’t queer. He was actually watching the MTV Music Awards show that Eddie publicly came out at by declaring his love for some guy named Steve, and actually.

Rock N Roll Dad thought it made a lot of sense that Eddie Munson was gay because well. A lot of his songs were… phallic.

So, he knows.

He knows that Eddie Munson is gay and that he’s married to some guy whose name isn’t even listed on his Wikipedia page, and he knows that he lives in Chicago, but what he doesn’t know is why he never put two and two together and got Steve Harrington.

There’s a different picture of Eddie Munson on Mr. Harrington’s desk when Rock N Roll Dad goes to talk to him after his kid gets detention for being a little shithead. There is framed original concept art for CC’s first album on the wall behind Steve when Rock N Roll Dad checks in on his kid during a zoom study session.

Hell, Rock N Roll Dad follows Eddie on Tiktok.

He has seen the ass shots that Eddie has posted of his husband in his running shorts, and he did think, yeah, that’s a great ass. He didn’t know he was thinking that about his kid’s math teacher!!

It’s not even Career Day when he discovers it. It’s the day before when they can set up their booths in the gym because Rock N Roll Dad may be a heavy metal fan always, but he’s also an accountant from 8:30 to 4:30 Monday thru Friday.

 He’s struggling to keep his poster board up when in walks guitar legend, Eddie Munson. He’s carrying a box, following behind a guy carrying an iguana.

Rock N Roll Dad abandons everything and walks over to the booth across the way. He can hear the two bickering with each other but before he can say anything, Steve Harrington is there and he is distressed, “Why do you have that?!”

“Her name is Leia, Steve,” Dustin says, “and she has separation anxiety.”

Steve opens his mouth like he wants to complain but doesn’t even know where to begin so he just accepts it, “Is she going to eat somebody?”

“That happened one time!”

Eddie Munson, infamous guitarist that lived on Rock N Roll Dad’s walls as a teenager, uses the opportunity to slide up next to Mr. Harrington and wrap an arm around him. He kisses his cheek, “Baby, we’re here to help.”

“You’re here to guilt me into letting you be a part of Career Day.”

“I can multitask, babe,” Eddie grinned, still so close to Steve that his smile touches his cheek. Steve just sags against him and Rock N Roll Dad thinks, oh. He thinks, oh, shit.

“You have a fan,” Steve mumbles, pulling away a little. It takes Rock N Roll Dad a second to realize that they’re talking about him and then he thinks, fuck.

“Hey – Hi. Uh.” He stops, thinks about lying and saying he needs tape or something, but settles on, “I didn’t know my kid’s teacher married you.”

“Technically, I married him.”

“Technically, I married both of you,” Dustin pointed out. “I officiated the wedding.”

“Ah,” Rock N Roll Dad says because what else is there to say. “Big fan.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

[lordofdestructionm]

Crimson's projection

Why did Crimson immediately jump to the idea of Moxxie's wife being his "beard" (gay guy marrying a woman to cover up his sexuality)?

Is it because thats all his wife meant to him? And because Moxxie is just an extension of him (in his narcissistic mind) it must be the same situation?

Was there more going on than just Crimson obviously being a toxic piece of shit and fights about how to raise Moxxie properly?

Did she discover the truth about her "husband"?

Also Crimson knew about Moxxie and Chaz's relationship, because he in the past described it as a "sissy lifestyle". It wasn't a secret affair.

Why was it only after finding out Chaz tried to con him YEARS later that he mounted his jaw on the wall?

In fact Chaz, before his final moments, never shows any sign of fear around Crimson, he even acts bratty, despite the man being a mob boss with a temper. Why?

Because however long he and Moxxie were together, he clearly got used to an extra amount of tolerance as "Moxxie's annoying boyfriend", and saw Crimson as "Moxxie's grumpy dad"

A habit that hasn't changed despite their "breakup"

Shouldn't a homophobic guy like him have been furious about someone "turning his son gay" the second he found out? Why didn't he just kill Chaz as a warning to Moxxie to "cut that gay shit out" etc

Unless being such a narcissistic father Crimson, despite his comments, was willing to allow the two to date because he himself had a tall shark boyfriend?

[sweetpea-sprite]

wait the wizard king is evil in dotdd??

hi anon. i've been putting off answering this ask for over a week. you know this. the thing about this ask is that i know. i KNOW. that if i answer this it will restart the cycle (lol) of me thinking about dotdd's wizard king and NOT STOPPING THINKING ABOUT IT for weeks if not months. i also think i've answered this before so technically i don't have to do this to myself but we all know i'm gonnaANGEL JUST DMED ME WITH A FIC SNIPPET ABOUT THIS VERY FUCKING THING. YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO DRASG ME BAVK IN I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS AGAINNNNNN YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I THOUGHT I WAS FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT I WAS FREE

just kidding i am never free ^-^ dotdd true ending spoilers under the cut

i don't even know where to start. like. i don't know. al-khemi's half human and his mother fucked a 10 story tall genie who can make buildings using alchemy?

that's the core concept of dotdd's postgame. is alchemising a building - moya tower - so that you can go to the top floor and defeat the evil wizard king. the wizard king who is evil. the wizard king who wants to be a god. the tower is 100 floors high; you get the key for the top floor from horace's final quest, where he reveals that he climbed the tower himself and tried to fight the wizard king, but was ultimately killed in battle. "ok ruby this all sounds cool but relatively normal in reference to wotww" WRONG! POPULAR FAN THEORY SAYS HORACE HAD A HUSBAND

("popular fan theory" means i came up with it because for a long long time i was the only english-speaking dotdd fan i knew and also separately i later discovered japanese fans came up with it so i'm basically correct and beautiful all the time always. anyway)

before we get into the miragapo trenches i do want to mention the evil shit the wizard king got up to here, most notably the fact that the three stone guardians are evil for real now, except cerboreas who turns out is just A DOG THAT THE WIZARD KING STOLE FROM A LITTLE KID. LIKE HE WAS A REALLY GOOD GUARD DOG SO HE JUST TOOK HIM. AND THE KID WENT INTO THE GLITTERING GROTTO TO FIND HIM AND GOT LOST AND DIED IN THERE. cerboreas's original name was grey. by the way. if you even care. also crossbones is a capitalist.? anyway

in dotdd there is a coliseum that is completely and entirely different to the solosseum in wotww. it's situated in del mokahl, a casino town (also unique to dotdd) and is sponsored by a man named giovanni gappolino, also known as the casino king. during the coliseum, you fight - alongside other opponents - nicky, your rival who is just deeply obsessed with oliver in a really. he's gay. so the prize for the coliseum ends up being a ticket to the next division of the coliseum, one where you fight all the great sages + solomon and umbopa + nicky as a fun surprise round where he tells you that mr gappolino is his dad and implies he's neglectful AFTER you beat him to a pulp just so you feel bad + finally giovanni gappolino himself.

after THIS division khulan comes out and reveals that giovanni is actually a sage who has been around since the wizard king was sealed by a deity. he has been masquerading as a rich man playing with his toys when in reality he has been desperately searching for someone strong enough to take down the wizard king for real this time, by running the coliseum and waiting for someone to get through it all.

we are not given a reason for why he is doing this. this is an appropriate time to mention horace's "friend".

when you meet horace in hamelin (notably, the town directly after meeting him in del mokahl; also notably, in del mokahl he gets especially frustrated about not having all his memories back and he and oliver get into a small fight about it) he's very excited because he remembers that he had a friend! and they went up a tower together! and they were besties! "an amazing, dependable, wonderful friend!" that's what he says! sounding a bit gay there horologium.

anyway. you can see the pieces slot into place. horace and giovanni climbed the tower together. they got to the top. they confronted the wizard king. he was sealed. giovanni made it back. horace did not. at some point during this whole process they probably explored each other's bodies. hopefully not after the death ! and then giovanni spent a thousand years trying to find someone who could avenge him.

they drive me fucking nuts and they're based on a theory that isn't even canon. do you understand what miragapo does to me. are you kidding? guy who has been trying to avenge his dead husband for a thousand years? AND he's a neglectful father? COME ON

...so that's the miragapo side of things. um. you asked about the wizard king. sorry you now know about the miragapo agenda

SO. you climb to the top of moya tower. you use the key that horace gave you. you get to the top.

it looks cool as hell. you walk forward to confront the wizard king, and mornstar, in oliver's hand, reacts to the presence of astra, in the wizard king's hand. you fight. his attacks follow a very specific pattern. when you whittle his health down, he gets a second phase where his attacks turn more unpredictable. also, he looks cool as hell

you defeat him. you go through the victory screen and discover that it's just oliver, no drippy esther or swaine, with the wizard king. and it gets horrifying and fun.

the wizard king gives oliver astra and teaches him how to use the spell, remarking that he won't be needing it anymore. oliver furrows his brow. and asks why he wanted to become a god. and he responds:

"hmm. i forgot. why did i want to rail against the heavens? i wish i knew. i've forgotten all of those things... it must be the fault of that... throne. or else... heh heh... perhaps it was you who caused me to forget...?"

he turns to oliver and starts to fade away, as all the other ghosts in the game have done. and he says to oliver - who still holds astra: "here... is where our shadows went. in order to figure out the mysteries of magic, for all curious wizards... i'm sure that will come in handy as you try to surmount the final hurdle."

"and so... you have become a fountain overflowing with power, you foolish young man."

and then he fades. and oliver's friends come back. and they celebrate the defeat of the wizard king, and oliver's new wand. and as they turn to head back down the tower, the scene lingers on oliver's laugh for a moment - and then pans up to the empty throne, with the giant eye above it looking directly at oliver. and then the credits roll.

this is what drives me fucking insane. in both wotww and dotdd, oliver has both wands; by all means, he should be the new wizard king. in wotww you don't really think about it too hard because the wizard king is a good guy, so oliver will end up like him; in dotdd it MAKES you think about it too hard because OLIVER WILL END UP LIKE HIM.

oliver's fate at the end of dotdd is unknown, but it's constantly said that he has a choice, and it's constantly implied that he will choose badly. there's more evidence for this throughout the game as well, a bunch of small things that seem innocent enough but kill you if you know what they're referring to. there's a fortune teller in hamelin who tries to read oliver's fortune and comes up confused because she can't, and remarks she's "never gazed into the future of one of his ilk". there's a skeleton in coconanda who wishes for oliver to live for a thousand years or more. by far the most prominent of these comes from nicky in the coliseum, who at one point asks oliver, "we have both hope and hopelessness waiting for us, don't we? which one do you want to hold onto, oliver?". hell, the ENTIRE COLISEUM you are competing for PANDORA'S BOX. THAT'S WHAT THE PRIZE IS. AND OLIVER OPENS IT AT THE END and gets a mandragorer out of it BUT THE POINT IS THAT IT'S PANDORA'S BOX!!!!!! THE BOX THAT CONTAINS ALL THE HOPE AND HOPELESSNESS OF THE WORLD. YOU KNOW PANDORA'S BOX. and if you've played wotww's own postgame you will know that the conductor very specifically calls out oliver's curiosity as a large trait of his. if you know anything about the myth of pandora's box you will know that she opened it because she was MADE TO BE CURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

however. you won't believe this but there's more. the most damning piece of evidence we have for this outside of the wizard king himself is actually the only thing we have officially translated, because it's in the wizard's companion - both of them! it made it to wotww's companion, so they translated it! on page 282-283 of wotww's companion, there is an illustration depicting the wizard king.

this is actually depicting dotdd's wizard king; at the end (read the story starting top left, then circle back around) you can see the wizard king attempting to get into heaven using a ladder, but being pushed out, followed by the moya eye and him sitting on the throne. you can also see that the magic he's putting out in the middle... isn't exactly friendly. in any case - there is nazcaan around the edges! it reads:

On the first day a wand will be held aloft; On the second day lightning will arc; On the third day a storm will rage; On the fourth day the earth will be rent asunder; On the fifth day a great wave will crash; On the sixth day flames will dance; On the seventh day a blizzard will howl; And on the eighth day a new king will bring the light; And the world shall kneel before him.

first of all: earlier i mentioned the wizard king's first phase in dotdd follows a specific pattern. this is the pattern! he follows this prophecy! he repeats this pattern over and over! it's really neat.

second of all holy fucking shit it's a cycle and he repeats it over and over.

the prophecy loops perfectly. the wizard king gives astra to oliver and effectively crowns him the new king. it's a LOOP!!!!!!!!!! the ouroboros (or oroboros. lol) consumes its own tail. oliver is prophecised to be the next wizard king and absolutely 100% it is not guaranteed that he will be evil. it is not guaranteed that he will fall to hopelessness. but HOLY SHIT it looks like that's what's going to happen.

and to loop back around to miragapo and nicky. because they're everything to me. i didn't even go off on a long tangent about nicky this post! i just mentioned him briefly! are you all proud of me. too bad i'm about to break it. the miragapo nickiver parallels... augh. what would you do if you found a kid to avenge your dead husband after a thousand years and he manages it only to then go on to become what you were trying to beat. AND your kid is in love with him and is the only one able to stand up to him. like what do you do in that situation. because truly i believe nicky wouldn't let oliver do that without a fight. they have a whole entire coliseum-based arc about which of them is going to be the one to defeat the wizard king. you think oliver's gonna BECOME the next wizard king and nicky's gonna take that LYING DOWN? NO. this is why nickiver does cocomelon shit to me

anyway. toooooo answer your question. yeah he is. ...and so is oliver, probably.

...i do really think we look over the "al-khemi is half human and his mother fucked a frankly too big genie" thing too often it's just that the rest of it is so Like That that you truly just forget

[reverieaudios]

If this question is too personal you are welcome to ignore it but, what was it like figuring out your identity and telling friends and family? I'm always interested in other's stories about that kind of thing

Nah it's fine, it was kind of a... journey? Which is pretty typical I think lol. As far as figuring out my identity, I realized I wasn't straight way before I realized the whole nonbinary thing, and I repressed the sexuality realization so well (and multiple times lol) that I actually forgot about it. Like I procrastinated my own "gay panic" moment until it was totally undeniable lmao

So yeah if you ignore the time I accidentally came out to my dad when I was like 8 I came out to my oldest sister first (and she totally already knew because I was not subtle and she had kept bringing up her friends who weren't straight like "yeah my good friend from college and his husband. With whom he is in a very loving and happy gay marriage) and then one by one I came out to my immediate family members. I got pretty lucky because they're all pretty laid back so they were pretty indifferent to it. Good indifferent though, like "cool, do you wanna play Mario kart?"

(As we got older my two closest brothers decided that we're only a trio of dudes (semi-gender neutral) though, so my younger brother has declared that if I bring a guy home he needs to fight us to the death and take the place of the loser and he seems intent on it being me who loses lmao)

Then when I figured out I wasn't cis I pretty much just repeated the process, but it came much easier because I'd already done it once. Is it bad that the music video for Tous les mêmes by Stromae was the thing that made me go "uh-oh I'm discovering things again" lol

I... don't think I've ever actually officially/formally come out to any friends? It's more like I just don't hide it and let things come up in conversation, and most of the people I'm friends with are in the lgbtq+ community anyway so they can smell it on me lol

[your-queer-dad]

hiiiiii, I don’t know if other people have experiences figuring out they’re trans like this, and I was just curious and wanted to ask?

(I’m gay ftm for context). When I was like,,,, maaaaybe five, I knew I was a boy because I was going to grow up and have a husband, and it was going to be a same-sex relationship. That’s literally how I first figured out I was trans 😭 it just felt so natural for me to be with another boy and to be boyfriends/husbands longterm with someone, the thought of me being a woman like in a heterosexual relationship was just never in the picture ever 😭 I didn’t really discover queer ppl until middle school maybe, then I didn’t discover (formally) trans people till late high school😭

Hey kiddo!! Thank you for sharing your experience! I understand what you mean, I always knew I wanted to be a boy, I just didn't have the words to describe it. But even when I was younger, I hated when I was labeled with feminine terms.

- dad x

[found-family-tournament]

Found Family Tournament Round 1 Part 21 Group 103

Propaganda and further pictures under the cut

Qifrey's Atelier: Qifrey, Olruggio, Agott, Riche, Tetia, Coco & Brushbuddy

Treasure Hunters: Jacob Reckless & Fox (& Will & Clara) (& Valiant)

Submissions are still open!

Qifrey's Atelier:

It's just 2 gay dad's doing their best to raise 4 preteen girls. They teach them magic, and how to cook, and that they are so very loved, no matter what.

Supposedly Qifrey is the magic teacher assigned to these four girls, and Olruggio's job is to keep an eye on Qifrey. The girls stay at Qifrey's Atelier (basically like a tiny school) and they live there. HOWEVER, ACCORDING QIFREY HIMSELF (and many of the other kids and Olruggio) THEY CONSIDER THE ATELIER TO BE "HOME". Olruggio and Qifrey act as paternal figures and basically raise them. They live on the countryside, despite living in cities being the norm. Olruggio does his job very poorly because of his bias towards Qifrey, being his roommate/best friend/husband, every shady thing that Qifrey makes he lets it slide. There's also have a whole spin off dedicated to them cooking nice meals for the girls. They also have a pet: a fluffy small creature known as brushbug.

So they are basically a found family of gay cottagecore witches.

Treasure Hunters:

Their friendship is so poignant. Fox is a human shapeshifter (guess what animal she changes into) who spends a lot of time in her animal form -which makes her age quicker as an human- who got injured as a kid as she was fleeing from her abusive family. She was discovered by Jacob who delivered her from the trap (she was in her vixen form) and they became friends. The thing is, Jacob isn't from Mirrorworld. He's from our world and he shared his life between the two until some bad stuff happens and his two worlds collide.

All the books have fairy tales elements (Jacob and his brother Will are named after the Grimm Brothers, Mirrorworld is full of fairy tales stuff, Jacob's always after treasures such as The Glass Slipper and Rapunzel's hair, Bluebeard plays an important role at some point, etc)

It's also a very long slowburn (resolved toward the 60th chapter of the third book of the -of yet unfinished- series, which was published um… five years after the first one ? I read the 1st towards the start of middle school and the 3rd in the middle of high school, I think. Mirrorworlders are really patient)

The book has illustrations by the author, of both of them separately but not together

[the-sorcerer-shark]

ooga booga religous background pt 1

I said I would write this in my intro post so here we go, I will try to keep it short

PSA I dont hold any ill will towards Christianity itself, but my experiences with the people that call themselves Christian makes me weary

I was raised in a pentacostal church in a a very redneck area. It was the church that mothers whole family went to, and my great uncle was the pastor the whole time I attended. Some icky sermons or general themes and stuff I remember happening:

women had to obey their husbands and other 'stay in the kitchen' type stuff

no black families ever stayed around, everyone was racist to them

a whole sermon dedicated just to hating gay and trans people yay

everyone looked like i killed someone when i asked if halloween had any religious connotations

no one would answer me when i said 'why should good people that dont know about go go to hell?'

supported/dismissed sexual assault of multiple children (what the actual fuck bruh)

multiple members of the church refused medical care in serious situations because 'the lord would heal them'

lots of other things to really heebie your jeebies

I stopped going except for holidays around 10 when my mother and I moved to another state. My dad had always been the one to take my to church because my mother knew her family was nasty, and especially to her. I never particularly agreed with them even as a child but I did believe in the religion (or more believe that I believed).

We lived in the middle of the woods basically for the 2 years we lived in that state. At this time I started being allowed internet access (shitty mountain internet). Slowly over time I just kind of stopped thinking about religion because it wasnt something I participated in weekly. I did, however, become much more connected with nature and things. I also (through my pinterest scrolling) discover @hgk477. Being in the woods and also thoroughly enjoying those types of posts made me think about how like everything on Earth is living and all connected. I was still kept under the Christian influence by my mother and if anyone asked, thats what I was, but I didn't really believe it anymore.

We moved back before I started 8th grade because of the crappy schools there, and I basically just considered myself atheist or whatever until earlier this year. I had to take a western religions class to fulfill a requirement.

This post is very long already so I will go ahead and end this one here, and make a part 2 about my discovering of paganism and stuff.

[littlerosetrove]

So uh. Even with just seeing stills from 7x10 I feel like it's safe to say there will/can be three big stories for Eddie in season 8.

Eddie going Through It because of the fallout of the Kim/Shannon/Marisol mess, but more importantly Chris being traumatized by the doppelgänger stuff and most likely spending the summer with his grandparents. Ultimately I think the time apart will be good for both Chris and Eddie, but maaaan Eddie is going to be in a Bad Place for awhile. </3 (frankly i feel like Eddie may still be reckoning with the Shannon of it all to an extent in season 8, because at least based on 7x9 idk man Eddie has only hit the surface of his issues there. we'll have to see what 7x10 even holds. for me? i was hoping season 7 would wrap up Eddie's issues with Shannon because it's been dragged out for 5 seasons, and i'm so tired. i desperately need Eddie's stories to move on from her and the core of them to no longer *gestures* be centered on her.)

Eddie discovering who he even is. Honestly for the past 13 years Eddie's identity has been so thoroughly wrapped up in Dad, but also husband, soldier, son, and firefighter. Even before Chris came along I think Eddie has been trying to mold and contort himself into being the son/person his parents wanted him to be. I know a lot of us see and agree that... Eddie never really had the opportunity to even learn who he is. So I think while he's Going Through It - and dear gosh I hope returning to therapy - I think Eddie will go on a journey of figuring out who Eddie, just Eddie, even is.

Eddie's queer journey. I feel like season 7 in particular has been giving hints that Eddie too will have his own queer journey. However, I don't think it's going to be an easy one for Eddie, definitely not in the way it was for Buck. I dearly hope the show sticks with this, sticks with Eddie being queer and not, for whatever reason, backing down on this and saying "oh he's straight and always has been." Narratively wise and character wise, Eddie being queer (I think a repressed gay man) is truly the only thing that makes sense and is satisfying for Eddie's story.

I, personally, haven't been the biggest fan of how season 7 has handled Eddie's stories and his character, which I've talked about in other posts, so won't get into here. I'm hoping season 8 takes better care of him because what I just listed out is really important and interesting.

[copernicusxgalileo]

Walking through the picturesque streets of Cardinal Hill, you find Copernicus 'Copper’ McIntyre, the 27 year old barista at & owner of The Twilight Cauldron originally from Portland, Maine. Living alongside them in such a small town, you know that they're outgoing and distrustful, but what you might not know is that they are a witch, and that they’re hiding something... Isaac Powell, gay, cismale, he/him

trigger warnings: stalking, violence/gore, murder, partner death

Name: Copernicus "Copper" Galileo McIntyre Age: 27 years old Birthday: January 19 Zodiac sign: Capricorn, on the cusp if Aquarius Witch or human:  witch Hometown: Portland, Maine Occupation: Owner of The Twilight Cauldron Sexuality: gay Family: two dads, older brother, younger sister, husband (deceased)

Like his brother and sister, Copernicus Galileo McIntyre was gifted a unique (or "powerful" as their dads would say) name. For Copper, his name was inspired by one dad's love of the cosmos and all things astrological, a passion Copper inherited. He and his dad used to spend hours looking at the stars, and those bonding moments are among Copper's happiest memories. At a young age, Copernicus started going by the name Copper due to his classmates making fun of him and because it was just cruel to force a 5 year old to learn how to spell Copernicus.

Copper was born into a wealthy family. He and his siblings were all adopted by their dads, and they had a happy, healthy childhood in a loving family. The siblings were all close, and their dads cared for their children deeply. Despite growing up with wealth, their dads kept them as down to earth as possible. Yes, they lived in a lavish estate and received brand new cars for their 16th birthdays, and yes, they went to an elite private school in Portland, where they obtained a top notch education. But Copper and his siblings also held down part-time jobs and were encouraged to take part in extracurricular activities. Copper was on the soccer and track teams while in school and also worked as a barista at a local coffee shop, and as a result, he grew up fairly well-adjusted, all things considered.

When Copper was 11, he first began showing signs of his magic. His fathers had known witches, though they hadn't known that Copper's birth mother was one as well, and technically they still didn't for sure, though they suspected as much. After he began exhibiting his powers, Copper's dads helped their son discover more about his lineage. Unfortunately, they could only discover his mother's name and that she had been from a little place called Cardinal Hill in Washington. For years, Copper tried to find out more, but he never went to Cardinal Hill, not wanting his dads to think that his thirst for knowledge meant he valued them any less. They were his parents, no question about that, blood or not.

After high school, Copper went to Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island, where he continued to play soccer and also worked on the school newspaper. He majored in writing and English, and college life was everything Copper had hoped for. And among the best things about being at Brown was that Copper met Damon while doing tarot readings at a party in his second month of school. While he'd long known he was gay and had had boyfriends before, Damon was the first - and thus far last - time that Copper had ever been in love. They'd fallen for each other hard and fast, and apart from minor disagreements throughout their college years, their relationship was like something out of a fairytale. All of their friends used to tease them about their wholesomeness, calling them husbands long before Damon popped the question (which he eventually did at the beginning of their senior year), but it was all in good fun. Everyone could see how happy the couple made each other other, and they in turn were happy they had found someone to spend their life with.

Well, almost everyone - there was one person in Copper's life who was most definitely not happy about this loving couple. On the fringe of Copper's friend group was Neil. Copper met Neil on the school newspaper, and while Damon knew him in a peripheral sort of way, he was mostly Copper's friend. They met shortly before Copper met Damon in his freshman year at Brown, and at first everything had been fine. Copper had found Neil a little strange, sure, but he meant well, and Copper became quite fond of his friend. But by midway through their sophomore year, things began to change. Copper noticed the way Neil grew more possessive of their friendship, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that Neil had fallen in love with him. Even if Damon hadn't been in the picture though, Copper would not have felt the same way. He had only ever viewed Neil as a friend. Eventually Copper had to set some boundaries and make that clear, and Neil was not happy. It was like a switch had been flipped, and his possessiveness of Copper grew to an obsession. Although he tried to make their friendship still work, by their junior year, Copper had to cut ties with Neil - or at least he tried to.

Unfortunately, Neil wouldn't let Copper go, and as his final two years at Brown went on, Neil began stalking his former friend. It was like he felt entitled to Copper, like he owned him, and Neil's behavior grew more and more unbalanced, culminating in Neil being expelled from Brown in their final semester when he attacked Copper and Damon one night with a knife. As the police carted him away, Neil had threatened that this wasn't over, and as it turned out, he was telling the truth. While Neil served a brief sentence in jail, he wasn't there long, and his stalking didn't stop. If anything, it seemed to pick up even more with increased intensity. No matter where Copper moved, Neil would find him, sending letters and messages and pictures he'd taken without Copper knowing, as if to prove that he was always there. As time went on, Copper grew more and more paranoid, and he started staying home more and more, trying to hide from this unseen menace.

Copper and Damon made their home in Portland, Maine, Copper's hometown where he worked for a publisher and Damon began teaching at the same private school Copper had graduated from. They had a long engagement, and it wasn't until Copper was 24 - two years after graduating Brown - that the couple finally tied the knot. Married life was everything Copper had hoped for and more, and it even seemed like Neil's stalking had decreased in severity. Alas, Copper would learn too late that Neil simply got better at hiding it. For two years, Copper and Damon had a happy life, and they were even starting to talk about kids. Everything was going according to the plan Copper had set for his life. All the while though, something nagged at Copper's psyche. His powers had always been most pronounced in the area of psychic abilities, often having dreams and premonitions and just feelings, and Copper had never been wrong. Damon - a human who had never totally comprehended the scope of Copper's powers - had tried to reassure Copper that this bad feeling he had about the path they were on and the troubling dreams that plagued his sleep were just vestiges of the paranoia Neil had instilled in him, as were his constant feelings of being watched. Still, Copper did various spells and rituals to try and ascertain Neil's location, though nothing ever came of it. This helped Copper feel a bit better; he thought if Neil were close, he'd be able to find him. What Copper didn't know was that Neil was a witch too, and he knew Copper would be looking for him.

The night before everything shattered, Copper had been especially clingy, holding on to Damon and not wanting to fall asleep. But Copper had a big meeting the next morning, and eventually Damon persuaded his husband to go to sleep. One of his worst nightmares haunted Copper's sleep that night, visions of blood and red hands and something glinting in low light and what Copper thought was snow, which he didn't understand, not even when he woke with a start. But as the world came back into focus, Copper saw his stark white sheets were soaked in crimson blood, and cotton from their comforter was scattered all over the room, large slashes through it; it looked like snow. And then Copper's eyes fell upon Damon, who lay among the slashed blanket and sheets covered in his own blood. He was still alive, and immediately Copper sprung into action, finding multiple stab wounds; Copper wasn't sure which he should apply pressure to. Damon couldn't speak, but he was trying to say something, and he kept glancing behind his husband; it wasn't until Copper caught the reflection of a dark figure in the window before him, a the light from a streetlamp just outside glancing off the knife in his hand, that Copper understood. He turned around with a start, his mouth opening as he began an incantation, but Copper didn't even have a chance to speak a single syllable before the figure punched him hard in the face. Everything went black.

When Copper woke up, he was tied to a chair downstairs, a piece of tape over his mouth, effectively rendering his powers useless - Copper had never been adept at non-verbal spell casting. Neil stood before him, covered in Damon's blood, and he began to entreat Copper to give him a chance. In Neil's deluded view of the world, he thought of Damon as just an obstacle to be dealt with, something that had come between Copper and Neil, and now they could be together. A blind rage rushed through Copper then, and he literally broke free of the chair and rushed at Neil. In his shock, Neil reacted by stabbing Copper in the stomach, and it was like once he'd done that, he'd become resigned to ending the situation. "I didn't want it to be like this," Neil had said as Copper stumbled to the floor, advancing on the man he claimed to love, knife raised. Although the men fought, Copper was stabbed twice more before ripping off the tape over his mouth. Screaming an incantation, Copper launched Neil across the room and through the front window, and while he tried to go after him, the blood loss was just too much. Copper fell to the floor, and everything went black for the second time that night.

12 hours later, Copper awoke in the hospital surrounded by his family and friends; it turned out a neighbor had heard the commotion when Copper had sent Neil flying through the window and called the police. Copper had survived, and now everyone he loved was here, all except one person, a realization that destroyed him. Copper was alive, but part of him would always be dead; part of him had died with Damon. The doctors all said Copper was lucky to be alive, but he didn't feel lucky, especially when he found out that Neil had vanished. Of course he had though - as he had thrown Neil out of his house, Copper had heard the man mutter an incantation of his own as he shattered through the window, and while Copper didn't know what he'd tried to do, it was clear that Neil was a witch too, a fact heretofore unknown to Copper. Neil was still out there, and Copper knew he'd never feel safe again. How could he? Copper was a widower at age 27, his husband lost to murder no less. No, Copper most definitely did not feel lucky.

For a year, Copper moved from place to place in the Portland area, but Neil always found him and always eluded the police. Copper hadn't had much hope that they'd find him though - Neil was a witch after all, and while Copper had told the police his suspicions about that, they didn't totally take him seriously; many of them didn't even believe in the existence of witches. Eventually, Copper grew fearful of his family and friends meeting the same fate as his husband. So without telling anyone, Copper left Portland and traveled all the way across the country to Cardinal Hill, Washington with only his black cat, Viktor, by his side. He didn't really know what he wanted to do when he got there, but the sight of the "for sale" sign in front of The Twilight Cauldron piqued his interest; it felt like he was coming full circle back to his barista "roots" so to speak. So Copper bought the tea shop and settled down in Cardinal Hill, at least for now. His roots were there, and Copper wanted to learn more about his mother and likewise understand his abilities better. Neil would find him again, and Copper wanted to be ready; what better place to hone his skills than this magical town? And Copper needed magical guidance when it came to Neil, needed to find magical ways to protect himself and to find the man who'd ruined his life. Copper wasn't going to just sit and wait to die - he was going to fight back, and there was no way Damon's death would be the last. Someone else was going to die, and Copper would make sure it wasn't him.

Wanted connections

Siblings: Copper's got an older brother and a younger sister who still live back in Maine, and Copper didn't tell them where he was going in order to protect them. He has been in touch though, and maybe one/both of them found out where he is. All of them are adopted by their two dads, and I've been vague about if his siblings are witches or not. All I ask is that they have a unique name (in my mind, they're Aristotle - Aris - and Hypatia, but the names are negotiable)

Employees: As the new owner of The Twilight Cauldron, Copper needs various employees. He's never been a boss before, but he's getting by, and he likes to have fun with his employees. He's not a regular boss, he's a cool boss

Hookups: Since Copper is a widower, he's not in a place yet to really entertain the idea of a relationship (though that will change eventually). But he is finally in a place where he can have a one night stand, something I imagine he does with relative frequency since he's pretty lonely sometimes

[quordleona03]

Fic Writer 2023 Review

I got this from @jaelijn, who generously tagged me - 30 questions about my fic writing through this year.

I hope for a better 2024 for all of us.

What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

I wrote the first three chapters - well, I can hardly say "wrote" - of a fandom fusion - Blake's 7 scripts with MAS*H characters replacing them. To find them funny - even to know what's going on - you would have to be simultaneously a B7 fan and a MASH fan. Judging by the response on AO3, I would say there are about four such. Maybe less. I probably won't finish it - though anything's possible - and I doubt very much if I'll do anything like that again. The problem was that it was not very creative, but even so, it took up a fair amongt of time.

2. How many fics did you work on this year? (They don’t have to be finished or published!)

I wrote about 211,000 words of All We Know - pretty steadily through the year. I was writing the September 1962 section last January, and I'm writing the April 1963 section now. I'm publishing chronologically, so the section I'm working on now will be posted in April 2024 - after being proofread, edited, beta-read, edited, and so on.

I also completed three MASH stories - Crabapple Cove, Major Heart, Under the Apple Tree, and one Star Trek story, Kirk and Spock's First Kiss. M*A*S*H works in progress include Rosary, Nurse Doctor, MirrorMASH, and another strange crossover, Buffy the Vampire Slayer And Her Gay Foster Dads.

And there's Gray-Eyes, which is something else again.

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

All We Know is easily the longest story I've ever written. I found that I can hold a story that length inside of my head and my heart, and keep writing it - and be confident I'll finish it. I found, too, that I do a lot of my writing inside my head before I sit down and stare at the screen. This last I always knew, I suppose, but now I really know it.

4. What piece of media inspired you the most?

Well, M*A*S*H, of course. Some lovely soul managed to upload All The MASH Episodes to the Internet Archive in such a way that they went unnoticed for over a year. (They are now gone- helpful people on the very public Mash subreddit started posting links to them, and whaddya know, once declared publicly, they're gone.)

I also watched some few episodes of E.R., most of the first episode of AfterMASH, a couple of episodes of Trapper John M.D., a specific episode of Sports Night, and I read Herman Wouk's Marjorie Morningstar and Kathy Hulme's The Nun's Story, among other relevant material.

5. What fandom(s) did you write for this year?

M*A*S*H. Star Trek. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Blake's 7, a little.

6. What ship(s) captured your heart?

Hawkeye/Mulcahy. Over, and over, and over again. Also, because they're so very sweet together, Sam Pak/Sidney Freedman.

7. What character(s) captured your heart?

Well, besides Francis Mulcahy and Hawkeye Pierce, 2023 was the year I got to like Trapper very much indeed, as I wrote him in October and in December. I saw a very old fanvid, Trapper Never Got To Say Goodbye, and watched a bunch of good Trapper episodes, and - I just got to like him. I also invented/discovered in my heart several newly adorable people: Sam Colquhoun and his daughter Barbara, Martine LeClerc, Pauline Morley and her partner Thea Schwartz and their friend Nadine Royer, Loretta Bradford, Doctor Jerome White and Doctor Aaron Elharar, Sarah Pargeter Pierce and her 12-year-old daughter Mary, Sister Maria Angelica and Sister Raymond, and of course Cathryn Jamieson.

8. Did you write for a new fandom or ship this year?

No. Well, yes: I gave Margaret Houlihan the best possible husband I could imagine for her. I like Sam Colquhoun.

9. What fic meant the most to you to write?

At the time? Gray-Eyes. Ongoing through the whole year: All We Know.

10. What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?

Crabapple Cove. I got the idea and wrote it and giggled most of my way through writing it.

11. What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing?

Well, besides Gray-Eyes, I only finished four stories this year, plus some bits of tumblrfic: Crabapple Cove, Major Heart, Under the Apple Tree, and Kirk and Spock's First Kiss. They were all very satisfying to finish.

12. What fic was the most difficult to write? Did you finish it?

MirrorMASH. I have got to a point in that story where I know how it ends, and yet I am really struggling to write that ending - because when it's done, I shall never write MirrorHawkeye again.

But there was an idea for a story I thought of - "AfterMASH, only like the Golden Girls, Max and Charles and Francis sharing a house…" - and Honoria of course - and I wrote the opener for it, and then realised that I didn't see a way to write any more of it. I could see it in my mind's eye as an endlessly enjoyable TV series - but to write another word of it felt like climbing up the Cliffs of Insanity with Fezzik on my back and Inigo on his shoulders. It was like contemplating a land war in Asia. I just gave up.

13. What fic was the easiest to write?

Kirk and Spock's First Kiss. I wrote it at a writer's workshop at an online K/S con, and the story just unpacked itself into dialogue.

14. What were your shortest and longest fics this year?

Kirk and Spock's First Kiss is the shortest - a perfect drabble of 100 words. All We Know is the longest - 261,000 words in the current document, 143,314 words published on AO3.

15. Rec a fic you wrote or posted in 2023

I'm very pleased with M*A*S*H goes to Pride - thinking through what each of our surviving friends from MASH 4077th would do at the world's first Pride March in New York City in 1970, and whether I think they are LGBT or ally or neither.

16. What were you go-to writing songs?

I was writing the first draft of Christmas in Maine (just posted on Christmas Day) in the middle of a really, really hot August (for Scotland), and I played a list of Christmas carols over and over. I was then writing a chapter from Sister Maria Angelica's point of view and I made a playlist of Christian religious music. Otherwise, usually Leonard Cohen, Janis Ian, Willie Nelson, Tracy Chapman, Johnny Cash, k. d. lang, and so on.

17. What were your go-to writing snacks?

Cashew nuts.

18. What was the hardest fic to title?

Well - All We Know. I'd been calling it "Virtues and Sins" til May, til I realised that if I was going to post the opening chapter in two months time, I really, really had to think of a proper title.

19. Share your favorite opening line

""What do you pray for?" Hawkeye asks: not every time, but often. And when he doesn't ask, he looks: he stares at Mulcahy's rosary sometimes as if he hated it."

20. Share your favorite ending line

"First and foremost: Francis J. P. Mulcahy, formerly chaplain 4077th MASH: without you, this book would not have been written, and without you, I would not have been here to tell it."

21. Share your favorite piece of dialogue

"Doctor Pierce - debauched him?" "It does seem unlikely, doesn't it?" Charles said. "But then whatever else Pierce lacked, it was not persistence or audacity. Good God, did he know the Irishman could write like this? How?"

22. Share an excerpt from your favorite scene

After a moment, Mulcahy laughed. He sounded more tired than amused. "All right," he said. "Should I move this chair?" He got up. Hawkeye caught him by the arm as he was about the pick up his own chair. "Let me." he said. "I know just where it has to be." He moved the chair around, where the light from the central lamp would be falling at the right angle on Mulcahy's head, and waved Mulcahy to sit down again. All Hawkeye had time for, that morning, was to check that there was no indication of a concussion, and no broken bones. He meant to give Mulcahy a haircut, but he wanted to check his scalp for cuts or bruises. "And what can I do for you, sir? Pompadour, bouffant, some stylish Victory rolls?" Hawkeye was gently combing Mulcahy's hair out with his fingers. "Perhaps a little scalp massage?"

23. Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

Winchester folded his hands in front of him. He looked calmer. He also looked pompous, and embarrassed. "It appears I owe you an apology." "Thank you," Mulcahy said, after a moment's effort. "I didn't intend to say anything to upset you. I'm sorry. Is Hawkeye all right?"

It may not look very difficult, but the whole passage of Charles Emerson Winchester and Francis Mulcahy talking in Charles's study in December (in All We Know) was hugely difficult and very painful to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite. I was so hugely on Francis's side that I was having difficulty seeing Charles's side. I am very happy with how it eventually turned out. Jakrar is a wonderful person to work through a story with.

24. What’s something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?

While writing the final September section of All We Know, back in February, I realised something about Charles Emerson Winchester's son, Charles Emerson Winchester Jr, that I genuinely had not realised previously, and while it didn't change the story much, it did affect it. (Our Charles's father and grandfather are dead at the time All We Know opens, so CEW III has lost his ordinal number and his son CEW is Junior.)

25. What did you use to write? (e.g. writing programs, paper & pen, etc.)

I use LibreOffice on a Windows 10 desktop. I can and do write on my laptop if I have to, but my favourite place to write is at my desk in the little room with the window that looks out only on the sky, facing the wall. I take notes on Notepad.

26. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

"Please don't worry," Mulcahy said. "We can find our own way out."

(You will find out why, next year.)

27. Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic?

No.

28. How did you recharge between fics?

What is this "between fics" you speak of?

29. If this were an awards show, who would you thank?

I would thank my demonic proofreader Jakrar, who is enabling me to keep writing this story in the best demonic style, Ajay, who has been my closest fannish friend for getting on for forty years, and @rescue-ram whose fabulous pro-Trapper comments (and fic) make me very, very happy. Also, for ideas presented to me in 2022 and 2023 that I stole without conscience and used ruthlessly in my own words in 2023: FaustianSlip for Not A Second Time, @allcanonisrelative for Every time, I think of you, @yeats-infection for What the Thunder Said, and also Crystalrose and @topshelf2112-blog for their very different but quite illuminating takes on Charles Emerson Winchester in particular and his relationship with Hawkeye Pierce, which was not something I'd thought much about before I started planning All We Know.

30. What’s something that you want to write in 2024?

I want to finish All We Know and Rosary and Nurse Doctor and MirrorMASH and I would quite like to write a few more episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's gay foster dads. And I look forward to getting more ideas for something new.

Posted at 31:12:23:23:12:31.

[kai-selfships]

SING + SING 2 HEADCANONS (human au)

Part one: main characters

Picrew link, art by Naylissa on various social medias

(One year passes in between movies so for characters who are in both movies, there will be two ages listed)

I’m posting this here instead of on my main because you guys are used to me being cringe <3

Also, important: I chose each character’s ethnicity based either on where in the world their species of animal lives, or (for animals that live all over, like pigs or mice) other contextual things (like Gunther’s accent)— basically, please understand that I’m not making Johnny black because he’s a gorilla, but because gorillas in real life can be found in equatorial Africa— however if you’re black and still find this offensive, please dm me and you can explain to me what’s wrong, and I’ll do anything I can to make it better :)

Buster Moon (he/him, gay and trans)

36-37 years old

5’0”

Australian

Autism, bipolar, and PTSD (after working with Jimmy Crystal)

Hair started going gray due to stress, so he dyed it all

Forgets to eat a lot

Works too much, gets bad burnout

Is best friends with Rosita; she reminds him to eat and sleep and stuff when they’re on the road

Has electrical burn scars on his hands from when he and Ash messed with the electric fence on Clay’s property

Was dating Eddie in the first movie, but they broke up which is why he’s not there in the second movie

Rosita (she/her, bi and ace)

40-41 years old

5’5”

Latina (I chose this for her because of her name)

ADHD, depression

In canonverse she had two litters of piglets, one with 15 and one with 10

In human au she only had five kids— Carrie, Hannah, Kelly, Leo, and of course Casper

Her husband, Norman, is very supportive of her identity— they were going through a rough patch in the first movie because he was taking on too much work (hes a Lawyer) and didn’t have time to spend with family, but they work on it together and have a much healthier relationship now

She got a degree in journalism and used to work for a newspaper

She has been closeted bi all her life, but only found out about the “asexual” label once she met the theater group (mostly Gunther) and learned more about the queer community

Speaking of Gunther…

Gunther (he/him, queer)

39-40 years old

5’5”

Immigrated from Germany when he was a teenager

Was not accepted by his family for being queer— he hasn’t had any contact with them for most of his adult life

He’s very well adjusted and stable now, though

A lot of his energy goes towards helping out his friends at the theater, who are still figuring out who they are— like Rosita!

He gets along surprisingly well with Ash, probably because Ash really needs a really positive friend to hype him up

Gunther has been doing dance since he was a kid, and is really good at it

Johnny (he/him, gay)

19-20 years old

6’0

Very sweet and supportive with his friends

Kind of a puppy punk— he’s discovering a lot of new music and ideas through Ash haha

Always bruised and sore from dance practice

Loves skateboarding

Used to straighten his hair (like in the first movie) but now he takes better care of it

Helps Nooshy get tattoos and piercings because they’re afraid of needles

His late mother is the person who inspired his love for singing

Also loves to do other kinds of art

Dropped out of school at age 16 to help out at the garage so his dad could focus more on his other business

His best friends in the group are Ash and Meena

Ash (he/him, transmasc)

19-20 years old

5’3”

Brazilian

Actually went to middle school with Johnny, but neither of them remember the other

Gives himself stick and pokes

Came out and started his transition in between the first and second movies

Also has electrical burn scars on hands like Buster

Is kind of withdrawn from his family— they love him a lot and want to rebuild their relationship, but Ash feels guilty for having chosen his ex-boyfriend over them when he gave him an ultimatum

Still doubts himself about his gender identity a lot because he grew up thinking everyone felt that disconnected with femininity

Loves getting piercings

He still wears really artistic makeup for shows

Hasn’t even thought about dating anyone after his ex— not because he carries a torch for him, but because he feels like his mind and body has been “ruined” by having spent so much time in such a manipulative and toxic relationship (I’m toootally not projecting haha /sarcastic)

Meena (she/her, transhet)

23-24 years old

6’1”

She and her family are Indian (I chose this because in the second movie she’s a lot smaller than Alphonso, and to make it work with both of them being amab I decided she’s an Asian elephant and he’s an African elephant)

Anxiety, dyslexia, rejection sensitive dysphoria

Her parents have always been supportive of her transition, but it took her grandparents a few years to warm up to it

She has been out as a trans girl since she was a young teenager

She’s been taking singing lessons since she was a kid

Attends a community college in the area and is really self conscious about the fact that she’s not pursuing any other higher education because her cousins and parents are all very scholarly

Her parents are both professors

Gets really dysphoric about her height and size

But she feels really EUPHORIC about her beautiful long hair and the jewelry she likes to wear!

Looks up to Buster a lot even though sometimes he doesn’t make the best choices

Miss Crawly (she/her)

82-83 years old

5’4”

Salvadoran

Half blind and hard of hearing

Was very good friends with Buster’s late parents

Is extremely good at cooking; always feeds the theater group when they work late rehearsing or putting on a show

Is actually married, but none of her friends at the theater know her husband very well

Has two adult children too; she loves them very much and talks on the phone with them a lot, but they both live out of state so she only sees them and her grandkids every few years

Doesn’t mind when Buster doesn’t have the money to pay her; she may technically be an employee, but she views her job at the theater as just helping out a family friend

Is definitely more competent that she appears to be

Porsha Crystal (she/her, lesbian)

19 years old

5’7”

Has lived in Redshore City all her life

Autistic

Has a lot of followers on her official social media, but she also has a few secret accounts so she can goof off with her friends without her dad knowing

Really admires Ash, even if he took a while to warm up to her

Dyes her hair as a way to be in control of her appearance— Jimmy always chose her hairstyle and clothing so she looked “normal”, but didn’t mind if she dyed it because that’s kind of typical for modern teens

Loves to do colorful and fun makeup

Had a little bit of a crush on Suki when she first started working for Jimmy, but obviously that was one-sided because Porsha’s a lot younger than her

Nooshy (he/she/they depending on the day, genderfluid and bisexual)

21 years old

5’4

Finnish

Depression

Was homeless prior to meeting the gang, now lives with Johnny

Dyes his hair black

Is afraid of needles

Gets a lot of nightmares and doesn’t sleep well

Doesn’t spend a lot on clothes, upcycles their own stuff

Still just does street performance as her job

Clay Calloway (he/they, trans, genderqueer, bisexual)

62 years old

5’5”

He and Ruby are t4t

Stealth in public, and has no living family members— the only people who know he’s trans are his friends, who he came out to after a few months of getting to know better

Ash is like their grandson

Completely left behind their old life when they moved to Redshore

Ruby transitioned later in life— when they first started dating, they were technically a mlm couple

Literally hates Jimmy Crystal so so much and is very open about it

Porsha helped them start a social media account. He’s not very active on it besides replying to fan messages and posting things about the shows he does.

[unusual-raccoon]

Modern!Osferth Headcanons

(Plus bonus drabble)

Guess who's rewatching The Last Kingdom for the 63rd time? I'll give you a hint - it's me! Guess who also had the brilliant idea at midnight for a modern babysitter!Osferth x Uhtred idea? Also me.

So, without further adieu, here are some modern!Osferth rambles/headcanons:

Osferth is still devout in his faith. It keeps him sane in a way, it's been a touchstone for most of his life. He's in between jobs and living alone.

He doesn't have much in the way of family. His father got his mother knocked up when she was young, and his father was married.

His mother was sickly and died when he was young.

He spent a lot of time in orphanages/churches under the care of nuns (Has been praying the gay away ever since) until he was taken in by his uncle.

His uncle Leofric, worked as a Prison Officer in London, got stabbed in the neck and killed during a riot when Osferth was only fifteen.

He has a sizable chunk of change in his name from a wealthy father he never knew. (He refuses to touch a dime).

Osferth spent a lot time in soup kitchens (eating & volunteering), spent many a year cutting his own hair to save money (forgive his bowl cuts), and just overall scraping by on odd jobs and the like.

He reconnected with his half-siblings as an adult, or tried to. He and Edward don't really get along (he thinks Edward is a terrible father - not that being a bastard gave him much ground to stand on). He and Aethelflaed absolutely clicked right away.

He is the bestest uncle to Aelfwynn!

Very good with kids, he is a big baby himself at heart, but also super independent because he's used to doing things on his own.

Aethelflaed is super supportive of Osferth (she just think's he's neat) and runs the "Osferth needs a DILF" fanclub

Have I mentioned he is very good w kids, loves trashy romance novels, can cook quite well, is modest about it (secretly thinks he'd be a kick ass housewife)

--- (How he's gotten involved with Uhtred)---

he met Gisela at the soup kitchen - it's a hike for him, but nothing compares to the loving atmosphere.

Was secretly intimidated by her.

Accidentally thought he had fallen in love w her when she showed him pictures of her babies and they made meals together and she asked him about his life - then he realized he has not known motherly affection in a long timeeee ;_;

Gisela would tell him about her lovely little family and how Stiorra was a nightmare to potty train in comparison to her brother

Gisela would show him pictures of the family and he would 'ooh' and 'aah' over pictures of the babies - promptly reminded he is gay when he saw a picture of her husband.

He'd been devastated when he discovered she had passed. She had been to the soup kitchen in a few weeks and he'd sent a few texts to see if she was well, but had merely chalked it up to being a mom of two youngsters.

He misses the funeral service, but figures it was private and reserved for family only.

Osferth, himself, imagined he landed somewhere between a work friend and gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

Still, he kept her in his prayers every night.

They hold a small gathering in the soup kitchen amongst other volunteers that have heard the news of Gisela's passing.

He mourns in his own way, and figures he should be better at it by now.

Still, he manages.

Until he sees Gisela's family walk into the soup kitchen...

Bonus Drabble:

Uhtred is a young, freshly widowed (fuck cancer) single dad to two beautiful children. Young Uhtred (Junior) is four and Stiorra is two. He misses his wife dearly and as a result ends up revisiting many places that remind him of Gisela.

He ends up at a soup kitchen where she often volunteered, the soup kitchen was supported by a local church and while Uhtred had his gripes about Christianity, his wife never did. Gisela loved all people, sometimes with a warm embrace, sometimes with a stern rap of her little knuckles.

The place is small and cramped and he recalls the scent of whatever's being doled into bowls because it used to stick to Gisela's clothes. It's warm in the air and heavy in his lungs, like thyme and bay leaves and sweet carrots and his heart aches.

There's a man - well, a boy who doesn't look older than 17, gangly, awkward, flaxen hair that spirals around his head like a halo, bowed as he chats with an older woman while he pours a heaping ladle's worth of soup into her bowl. The boy's face is familiar, vaguely. There's a spot next to him behind the counter where Gisela should've been.

A woman on line lets him ahead with a sympathetic face - the kids are with him, Stiorra held on his hip, her arms around his neck, and Junior holding his hand. He feels mortified, guilty.

Uhtred tries to back away, feeling terribly out of place and mourning every inch of the woman he loved. When the boy behind the counter spots him, his eyes are blue, startlingly blue - it's like a peek of the sky through a blanket of fog. A soft, angular face like looks like it belongs in a Renaissance painting with high cheeks and sharp cheekbones and pink rips.

Someone else waves them over, Junior gets a bowl, Stiorra does too, the woman that serves them tries to give one to Uhtred but he politely declines.

They sit, they eat. He blows on the little spoon for Stiorra and offers a small smile when she demandingly tugs on his hair, squirming, doughy little fist swinging for the spoon. Junior is able to handle eating on his own, like a big boy, (mostly).

Uhtred is cleaning the kids up and preparing to leave when he noticed someone had come over.

"Um, excuse me, sir," A timid voice begins, high and boyish, pale long fingers wring the sleeves of an aged brown sweatshirt, "I don't mean to - a-are you Uhtred?"

Uhtred stares warily at the boy, at his flaxen hair and ears that have since turned pink.

"Yes," He answers flatly, and he instantly feels cruel for the way the young man winces.

The nuance of conversation bypasses the children and Junior's hand springs up with a wave, as he says, "Me too!"

The boy smiles a timid, growing thing - less afraid.

"You volunteer here?" Uhtred asks though he knows the answer. Gisela had spoken of the friend she had made at the soup kitchen, and realizes why the boy's face seemed familiar. He'd never been bothered by it, his Gisela was a lovely woman and charmed many.

"Um, yes, sir, I...do." The boy answers, he swallows thickly, Adam's apple bobbing along the pale, elegant stretch of his throat.

He casts considerate blue eyes over to the children, to Junior who babbles about wanting to visit Thyra and Beocca, and to Stiorra who is dozing against Uhtred's shoulder...

"I," The boy begins, slim, pale hands listless as he tugs on a loose thread in the sleeve of his sweatshirt, those high sharp cheekbones that appeared chiseled from marble, redden, his lips, his very pink lips twitch with words unspoken, "My deepest condolences."

Gods, how many time had he heard that same sentiment over the weeks since his wife's passing? How many people had meant it? Uhtred's nostrils flare with every breath he struggles to take in and out with the fissure of pain that splits his chest.

He clears his throat roughly. He blinks away tears that makes the earnest blue eyes of the boy standing across from him dance like sapphires.

"Thank you," He says, it's a genuine thing that bubbles up without him meaning for it too. Many people loved Gisela, it was an easy thing to do, but it finally felt as though someone knew. Knew the agony of losing her. Like the sun had been torn from the sky.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, it's Hild. It could be a thousand things, a lapsed permit or zoning issue, the company has had enough hiccups, let alone after the death of his wife.

"I need to-" Uhtred motions to his phone, the boy nods politely.

"Of course," He says instantly in understanding.

He's still holding Stiorra when he stands, it was late and raining and it's too loud inside the hall.

"I can watch them," The boy offers, sort of perking up like a moping flower kissed by sunlight - it only becomes obvious then  how tall he is. Rightfully, he should be distrustful. He struggles, but his phone buzzes in his hand another time and Uhtred reluctantly hands his daughter over. He watches as the boy gingerly supports her weight, Stiorra's open mouth drooling on the boy's shoulder. He sways gently with Stiorra in his arms, bending and shifting like a reed in the wind.

"Uhtred?" He hears the boy call gently, "do you think you could help me keep an eye on your sister?"

"I can!" Junior answers eagerly.

"Clever boy," Uhtred can picture his son's wide smile, "I can be so forgetful - Oh goodness, where has she gone?"

"Right there," Junior begins to giggle, "Where? Uhtred are you trying to trick me?"

"There!" Junior squeals in laughter that Uhtred hadn't heard in weeks. It's a balm for his soul.

Uhtred answers Hild's incoming call, the phone pressed to his ear.

"How are you holding up?" Is her first question, he strives to be noncommittal with just about everyone but Hild. So, when he answers, he does so honestly, openly. He can hear the tightness in her throat.

"Did you want me to order something? I can be over in," there's rustle over the speaker, "twenty."

He smiles, he loves her all the more for the effort.

"Not tonight, but soon," He swears. He knows, despite everything he's going through, there are still people in his corner, his sister, Beocca, Hild: his relentless supporters.

"I know you're going to ignore me because you always do-"

"-I do not"

"But, have you considered hiring a sitter?"

"Hild," He sighs, he'd abhorred the idea for a time. His own fragmented upbringing left a general distrust of strangers that was easy to default to under duress.

They bicker for a bit, back and forth was their way and the normalcy alleviates some of the ache in his chest.

He wants to reject the idea of needing help, of shouldering responsibilities alone, of being anyone's burden. He rubs at his eyes, a cool sheen of rainwater on his skin.

Inside the soup kitchen, the scent of thyme and bay leaves and sweet carrots is in the air, the warmth in the room fells buttery in the comfort it provides. He can hear his son's voice, laughing, can hear other laughter too.

Stiorra's asleep on the stranger's shoulder. Little hands drowsily clinging to the brown fabric of the sweatshirt.

Hild's voice rattles in his head.

The boy's smile is wide, unbidden, so very youthful. He see's Uhtred and his smile dims, a coy curl of his lips lingers, like an echo, throat bobbing, tongue catching on pink lips, eyes like sapphires still dance.

"Papa!" Junior yelps, delighted, clinging to Uhtred's leg in an instant, "I counted more than Oz!"

"He did, I'm afraid - you're too clever for me." The boy answers, a sheepish way about him, he sways like a reed, right on over to Uhtred's side. Stiorra is very carefully handed over.

"Did you?" Uhtred asks, "How high?"

Junior makes a pensive little face, beside him, the boy, Oz, mouthes fifteen exaggeratedly.

"Oh! All the way up to fifteen!"

"Fifteen?" Uhtred gasps, "Auntie Hild isn't going to believe it."

The children had already been ready to leave before Hild had called and it doesn't take much to tug the lapels of his coat around Stiorra and hold out his hand for Junior.

The boy offers a polite smile, pink mouth pressed together, the scent of thyme and bay leaves and sweet carrots hanging on his sweatshirt, a patch of drool on his shoulder where Stiorra had slept.

"Well, um, goodnight." He says eventually, crouches down to bid a separate farewell to Junior. He rummages through the pocket of his sweatshirt, and pulls out a biscuit wrapped in wax paper.

"I nicked this from the kitchens," He admits, Junior looks affronted, scandalized, but the boy laughs, "It was supposed to be my treat for after, but," Junior's eyes go terribly wide, hopeful, "You did count to fifteen - so, I suppose, you've earned it."

"He can't, he's-" Uhtred begins, but that gangly boy looks up at him from the floor with smiling sapphire eyes and pink lips and says "It's gluten-free."

Uhtred feels...odd.

"Are you allergic as well?" He asks as Junior asks endlessly if he can eat his treat now.

The boy flushes, "Er, no, I-" He rises to his full his height smoothly, hands pushed off the faded knees of his jeans, "I grabbed it after I saw you come in, Gis-" His jaw tightened, tendons flutter under the pressure, "Another volunteer mentioned how someone in her family also had Celiac's..."

The odd feeling persists, its pressure, its hands stemming the flow of blood the open wound the passing of wife had left in him.

"Anyway, I-I only wanted to pay my respects," the boy sighs, flaxen head hanging before he offers a small, sad smile.

"Wait." Uhtred calls, his voice carves through the air.

The stranger turns towards him again, fluorescent lights catch on the delicate braid of a golden chain just barely visible around his neck, tendons jump in neck and the chain dances like motes of sunlight.

"What's your name, boy?"

Those pink lips part in a gentle smile.

"Osferth, sir." He answers.

"Osferth," He repeats sagely.

Hild's voice rattles in his head. Uhtred extends his hand and the boy examines it before shaking hands with him. The touch is soft and lingers in his palm like silk.

"Good to finally meet you."

This was just a silly little headcanon/drabble (1.8k still counts as a drabble, right?) idea, but like, idk, i might be tempted to add more?

[leafcabbage]

Same anon as from before, first of all the tangets were wonderful and really nice to read so thank you <3 and second of all something i forgot to mention previously: TOMMY!!!! His whole "i don't think i want a girlfriend" was AMAZING and i really hope they come back to that at some point bc just,,,, watching them discover their identities and feelings just makes this so realistic and such an amazing read!! Also him just admitting to himself that yeah he finds Ranboo hot, 10/10 no notes <3

I'm going to go on a tangent now, sorry about that, but i think you do an amazing job of showing how complex aro relationships are and how much thought and consideration actually goes into them! I feel like sometimes aro relationships and/or QPRs are portrayed as,, sort of easy? Bc it's "friendship" or whatever? But like i've definitely spent time and thoughts on trying to figure out what i actually feel and what i want out of a relationship and even "what if this is actually romantic attraction" so it makes me feel so so so seen when those same themes are coming into play here! (No idea if you are planning on delving deeper into that but no matter what i'm really thankful for what we already got <3)

HI so so sorry for the delay in answering you will not BELIEVE the week i have had (actually you totally would work was just SO MUCH)

first of all YES absolutely coming back to that. tommy has always thought he needed to have a wife and kids one day as a way to like... prove himself better than his dad. like if he could be a good husband and father it would be proof that he was better than his dad and that he wasnt like... too "damaged" from his childhood. and realizing that he doesnt in fact want that is a really big thing for him that hes only now starting to deal with.and YEAH. let me. let me bring you back to one of my favorite winterlude lines (whjich. man im rereading that rn. because i forgot my own story. and bro how was i allowed to make them so god dam gay in that.)

"He pulled back, looking up at them. Their hair had fallen to almost entirely cover their face, so he tucked it back again, because he happened to think their face was quite nice. The gentle glow of the string lights illuminated Ranboo softly, and their smile had so much warmth and so much adoration, and Tommy wondered when he had fallen in love with them."

this man. is in love. its crazy.

secondly, THANK YOU!! honestly i just try to write things that feel real to me. i do a TON of research for things i dont experience, but as an aroace person and someone in a lot of aroace spaces online, i just write what i know. i DO absolutely want to delve into it more, because the relationships are such a major part of drdi and all relationships are gonna be complex. especially the trio like... theyve all got trauma and shitty relationships in their past, and on top of that they're in what is becoming a very serious, committed relationship. theres gonna be lots of feelings and complexities and stuff. theyre also not all aroace which means theres varying feelings going into the relationship which certainly isnt BAD but it adds more! the trio's relationship is just very unique as QPRs often are!!! i am very excited to keep delving into all of that its gonna be so fun!!!

but yeah!!! thank you so much for being so supportive!!!!! i really appreciate the ask(s)!!!!

[redwoodwv-hq]

Name: Emmit Hanson Age: 34 Town Occupation: Teacher / Supermarket Keeper Previous Occupation: Actor Redwood Resident Length: Newly Arrived Faceclaim: Chris Colfer

Bullet Points:

Despite being quite adamant that his father leaving didn’t bother him, the more it bothered him. He never told his mother this but he tried reaching out to his dad a few times - once on his sixteenth birthday and once to invite him to his wedding. Both times his father never answered.

A month before Darian was bitten, Darian found a young cat and gave him to Emmit as a gift. Emmit named him Jean. He was the last gift Darian ever gave him.

He has Darian’s and his wedding rings on his necklace and never goes anywhere without them.

Some of his more notable roles were in Music Camp as Kurt McKay for all six seasons, two seasons of Boston Hot as Tony Marks, Eye of the Storm as Carson Hale and Absolutely Gorgeous as Corey Dawes.

Biography:

From an early age, Emmit wanted to be a star. He loved music, he loved movies and he loved plays. When he was five his mother took him to see Les Miserables and he was head over little tiny Converse shoes in love with the lights and the show business. While his mother was incredibly supportive and did her best to get her son into acting lessons and music lessons, his dad was a real man’s man. When Emmit was eight his father left, having moved to Florida from Vancouver, but not before leaving signed divorce papers on the kitchen counter. Honestly, Emmit was fine with that. He never really got along with his dad so it was no skin off his back. His mother was worried, though, and had put him in counseling to work through his father leaving but even the therapist said that Emmit was a well-adjusted kid.

In middle school he got the star role in his first production. It was almost too perfect. Every production after he was either the lead or one of the main cast. The older he grew the more he started to really develop who he was and discovered his sexuality. To the surprise of no one, really, Emmit came out his freshman year of high school as gay. For the first few weeks he was bullied about it but much like the kid he was, he didn’t let it get to him. He was a tough kid and no one was going to get to him. After a while they gave up. It also helped that he became one of the most influential people in the Drama Club and his senior year, he was scouted by a talent agent who landed him in a few small movie roles.

Now Emmit loved the spotlight and he loved the movie business but eventually the fame started to become a bit too much. He took a break from acting to help with his mother who had suffered a heart attack. That’s when he met the handsome nurse who had been tending to his mom, Darian. The two hit it off rather quickly, although Emmit was somewhat new to relationships. Well, real relationships. He found joy in the romance and the dating and the sweet little things. They dated for a few years until Darian finally popped the question. The engagement was a lot shorter as they married in five months. Everything was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

People were starting to come in sick and Darian had been working overtime at the hospital to help out. Emmit, having left the spotlight to support his husband, had been at home watching the news. That’s how he learned about the zombie outbreak. He quickly called the hospital to make sure Darian was okay. He was - thankfully. Darian came home and immediately the two began to plan on how to survive this. For a few months, everything was okay, but as the world changed and began to shut down, they knew they had to move. They couldn’t just hunker down and wait for everything to be okay. So they packed a few bags and began their trek South into the States after hearing about survivor settlements.

Eventually they found a small group that had been out hunting for their settlement and they took Darian and Emmit in. Everything was great, but eventually the settlement fell apart. The leaders were getting a little too totalitarian for their liking. So they left. Darian had a plan - they were going to head to the coast, find an ocean side property and build their own life together where they could grow old together. At least, that was the plan. A few weeks ago while on the road, Darian got bit by a Walker. Emmit stayed with him until he transitioned and when he did, he put him out of his misery. Now on his own, Emmit didn’t know what to do so he figured he would head further South and live the dream that he and Darian always wanted.

[emmxthanson]

Name: Emmit Hanson Age: 34 Community Job: Teacher & Supermarket Keeper Job Before: Former Actor, Retired Reside in: Small home close to the Supermarket How long have they been in Redwood?: Newly Arrived Family: Darian (Husband, deceased), Jean (cat) Status: Widower Faceclaim: Chris Colfer

From an early age, Emmit wanted to be a star. He loved music, he loved movies and he loved plays. When he was five his mother took him to see Les Miserables and he was head over little tiny Converse shoes in love with the lights and the show business. While his mother was incredibly supportive and did her best to get her son into acting lessons and music lessons, his dad was a real man’s man. When Emmit was eight his father left, having moved to Florida from Vancouver, but not before leaving signed divorce papers on the kitchen counter. Honestly, Emmit was fine with that. He never really got along with his dad so it was no skin off his back. His mother was worried, though, and had put him in counseling to work through his father leaving but even the therapist said that Emmit was a well-adjusted kid.

In middle school he got the star role in his first production. It was almost too perfect. Every production after he was either the lead or one of the main cast. The older he grew the more he started to really develop who he was and discovered his sexuality. To the surprise of no one, really, Emmit came out his freshman year of high school as gay. For the first few weeks he was bullied about it but much like the kid he was, he didn’t let it get to him. He was a tough kid and no one was going to get to him. After a while they gave up. It also helped that he became one of the most influential people in the Drama Club and his senior year, he was scouted by a talent agent who landed him in a few small movie roles.

Now Emmit loved the spotlight and he loved the movie business but eventually the fame started to become a bit too much. He took a break from acting to help with his mother who had suffered a heart attack. That’s when he met the handsome nurse who had been tending to his mom, Darian. The two hit it off rather quickly, although Emmit was somewhat new to relationships. Well, real relationships. He found joy in the romance and the dating and the sweet little things. They dated for a few years until Darian finally popped the question. The engagement was a lot shorter as they married in five months. Everything was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

People were starting to come in sick and Darian had been working overtime at the hospital to help out. Emmit, having left the spotlight to support his husband, had been at home watching the news. That’s how he learned about the zombie outbreak. He quickly called the hospital to make sure Darian was okay. He was - thankfully. Darian came home and immediately the two began to plan on how to survive this. For a few months, everything was okay, but as the world changed and began to shut down, they knew they had to move. They couldn’t just hunker down and wait for everything to be okay. So they packed a few bags and began their trek South into the States after hearing about survivor settlements. Eventually they found a small group that had been out hunting for their settlement and they took Darian and Emmit in. Everything was great, but eventually the settlement fell apart. The leaders were getting a little too totalitarian for their liking. So they left. Darian had a plan - they were going to head to the coast, find an ocean side property and build their own life together where they could grow old together. At least, that was the plan. A few weeks ago while on the road, Darian got bit by a Walker. Emmit stayed with him until he transitioned and when he did, he put him out of his misery. Now on his own, Emmit didn’t know what to do so he figured he would head further South and live the dream that he and Darian always wanted.

Headcanons:

Despite being quite adamant that his father leaving didn’t bother him, the more it bothered him. He never told his mother this but he tried reaching out to his dad a few times - once on his sixteenth birthday and once to invite him to his wedding. Both times his father never answered. 

A month before Darian was bitten, Darian found a young cat and gave him to Emmit as a gift. Emmit named him Jean. He was the last gift Darian ever gave him.

He has Darian’s and his wedding rings on his necklace and never goes anywhere without them.

Some of his more notable roles were in Music Camp as Kurt McKay for all six seasons, two seasons of Boston Hot as Tony Marks, Eye of the Storm as Carson Hale and Absolutely Gorgeous as Corey Dawes.

[onlineproblems]

ok not to be a mommy issues bitch but i was working on my story that i've been trying to write for like 3 years. and thinking about my mom. and wondering why i feel so much angrier at my mom than my dad, though they both wronged me. in different ways which arent really comparable but neither one more or less than the other.

my dad was distant and never praised me, always had criticism, higher standards for me to meet, and rarely told me he loved me, was the disciplinarian parent who wasn't involved in parenting unless it was to punish us. he's very different now that we're adults and i think he's realized that he won't have a relationship with his kids if he keeps acting that way, because he texts me often to tell me how much he appreciates and loves me. and although he knows i'm a godless atheist liberal, and he always tries to work god bullshit into the conversation, he basically still accepts me.

meanwhile my mom would always talk to me growing up -- about whatever, her frustrations with my dad, emotional stuff, our interests, religion, etc. we didn't get super deep because even when i was a christian i didn't share much with my family, but i was closer with my mom than my dad. i thought of her as more open-minded than my dad, but suddenly it was like a turn-around happened (or i just became more aware) and she was suddenly spouting low-key alt-right anti-vax, homophobic, end times bullshit and it kind of sucker-punched me to hear it from her. if i ever thought i could come out to her, i was quickly disillusioned. she said something like 'god would cause gay people to die sooner so that they wouldn't keep sinning' and i just had no response. she got her counseling license this year; she's a marriage and family therapist. fuck.

she's divorcing my dad which i think is a good thing; their marriage was not happy. he was basically incapable of expressing his emotions and he didn't mistreat her but he definitely didn't treat her right. he has decades of unprocessed trauma and he can't stop watching porn. i discovered it on the family computer when i was 10 years old. he tried to commit suicide five years ago. he locks up his computer and tells his whole church about it for 'accountability' and punishes himself but he can't stop. i don't know what the fuck went wrong with him. my mom won't tell me what happened to him but she's implied that he might have been molested or had something similar happen as a kid. i don't fucking know. how they've been married for 30 years i have no idea.

i have compassion for them both but i hate they way their bullshit has affected me and my brothers. my dad's inability to cope prevented him from taking care of us. my special needs brother went without the care he needed because my dad wouldn't leave his work in rural africa, because he was afraid of living in the us and feeling inadequate. he was an expert in his field there, but in america he was just another guy. i was depressed and suicidal and untreated and my mom probably was too but her ideology didn't allow her to disagree with her husband, so we stayed. and i hate her for that. for never challenging him, for just bending to his will when we all needed help. when my brother needed medical care that wasn't available where we lived.

i feel stunted, my emotional development so behind where i could be if i was allowed to interact with my peers during my formative years, because of my parents. our house had a yard with 8-foot walls around it and i never left there except to go to church. i had to cover my body for 'modesty.' i hated my body. i had an eating disorder. i was afraid of other people. i couldn't make friends. without going into detail, there were times i felt exposed to predatory men when i should have been protected by my parents.

and like....my dad should have taken responsibility, he should have woken the fuck up and cared for us instead of being in his own head all the time. i feel like i should be angrier at him and hate him more. why is my hatred more for my mom? is it because we were closer, so the betrayal feels deeper? is it because he's making a real effort now, actually putting work in to change the behaviors that harmed me, while my mom seems to have no awareness that she caused harm? i mean, she blames everything on my dad and doesn't really take any responsibility. i started cutting in college and she lamented to me last year that she ''really wanted to move back to be with me" but my dad didn't want to come and "she didn't know what cutting was". her excuse was she had never heard of cutting, and her husband said no.

she's had so many missed opportunities to care for and support me. i've been open with her about what i believe in, what i want to do, how i've changed, and her responses seem perfunctory, while my dad actually seems to take an interest in me even if he disagrees with most of my beliefs. i guess i feel like it's more important to me that he's actually trying now even if i don't think he'll ever really change. the effort is what matters to me. i don't think my mom is interested in trying -- it doesn't feel like she is. but i don't know. it just feel wrong to hate her so much more than him. it seems disproportionate.

i've spent time in therapy for most of these experiences so i'm not horribly affected by them anymore, and being an adult and having distance from my parents means it doesn't cause the agony it did when i was a teenager, but as they're divorcing this year it is bringing this sense of 'choosing sides' a bit closer. so a lot of memories are coming back up. in 2021 i spent like 4-5 months processing ptsd from my childhood and now i feel a little residual angst from it.

i'm a functional adult, and i'm pretty happy day-to-day. i know everyone has their own issues and traumas that inform their lives that we just don't see, nobody has it all together, and i try to keep that in mind and be merciful to myself when i feel like i should be...idk better at life. it's pointless to think about what-ifs and i don't, really, but i am pretty bitter and angry about how my parents could have spared me a lot of pain when i was young and had little control over the way my life went. i never want to have kids, for a lot of reasons, but i can't imagine giving birth to a child and not being intentional about the way you care for them, knowing that it's inevitable you'll fuck up, but wanting to be as informed as possible and giving them the best you possibly can because they're basically helpless. you can't be selfish when you're a parent. if you have a kid simply because that's what you're supposed to do, what the fuck are you doing? that's a person. i look at the children i know, or at my younger siblings, and i can't imagine not sacrificing my desires to care for them. abstractly, i don't like kids and i feel awkward around them, but jesus christ. your own child? especially if you chose to have that child? you're just going to sit back and let them suffer, because you don't want to be uncomfortable? don't have a kid if you can't handle it.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be normal enough to feel safe by myself, after my experiences with predators that my parents didn't protect me from. if i can leave my house alone and not feel a little bit of panic under the surface. i'm hopeful since i've made progress over the years, but it comes in waves -- grows and fades. i wonder if i'll stop automatically going on the defensive when certain subjects come up. if i'll stop having nightmares about being sent to hell and my mom telling me she was right all along. i wonder if i'll ever be able to feel normal about having a disagreement with someone i care about, without feeling like i'm sinning, like i need to be punished or i need to absolve myself because i'm so used to emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and church and 'god' that it informs my interactions with friends and especially my spouse. creeps in when i'm vulnerable and makes me act horrible when i want to be well-adjusted and healthy.

this be the verse, eh? they fuck you up. they really really do. and this really got away from me but god i just had such an outpouring of thoughts. it was cathartic. and i can't journal so it all goes to tumblr lmao.