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đđ«đźđ đđ„đźđ, đđ°đđ„đŻđ. jealousy
â i forget you aren't mine â
- cedar, gracie abrams
The past few days had been surprisingly uneventful, there were no new cases, the team was busy with their usual paperwork.
"Hey Isabelle, do you wanna grab a coffee?" Emily asked, Isabelle turned toward the woman, "Sure." She responded with a smile.
Emily had asked her if she wanted to get coffee twice before and she declined both times.
Isabelle had a tendency to over think everything, she declined because she wasn't sure what they would talk about.
To her it was odd Emily was so interested in being her friend, she asked her a lot of questions and Isabelle was taken a back every time.
Ever since Isabelle was younger other kids didn't approach her because she looked scary, hostile, and sad all of the time, she didn't mind though, she enjoyed talking to herself.
The two women grabbed their coats and headed out of the building, "There's this really nice coffee shop a few minutes away, if you wanna walk." Emily offered and Isabelle nodded in agreement.
A few minutes passed before a word was spoken, "How do you like the bau?" Emily asked curiously.
"I really like it." Isabelle replied, 'shit should I say anything else?' she thought, "It's been my dream job for a while."
"Aw that's nice!"
"Mhm." Isabelle hummed. "Uhm, how do you like it?" She asked.
"I love it, of course there are those challenging moments but over all I enjoy it." Emily gushed.
Isa just nodded, unsure of what to say, Emily sighed before asking, "What do you think of the team?"
"I like everyone- Hotch is kinda intense." She laughed, Emily nodded in agreement, "Yeah, once you get to know him though he can be really nice."
"Rossi and Morgan can be intense at times but Morgan is secretly a big softie." Emily whispered the last part like a girl gossiping on the playground.
"And Spencer while you probably know him better than any of us." Emily added, and Isabelle smiled, a rosy tint running to her cheeks.
"I really like Penelope- she so sweet, like a ball of sunshine." Isabelle exclaimed, smiling as she thought about the technical analyst.
"What about Jj?" Emily questioned, right after she did she noticed the slight change in Isabelles body language and furrowed her eyebrows.
"I don't know her well, but I like her."
Emily chuckled, "You can't lie to a profiler." Isabelle looked to the woman and her eyes widened.
"Well I dont know- I don't like that she calls him Spence." Isabelle said, immediately regretting her the words.
"God! That's so stupid, I mean it's not like i'm the only one who can call him that- I don't know- I just don't love it."
"That makes sense." Emily agreed, "You think so?" Isa asked, digging her nails into her palm.
"Of course, it sounds like you're just jealous."
Isabelle frowned, jealous?, she never really felt jealous before, it was odd, it felt like a combination of anger and love.
Emily noticed the look of concern on Isabelle's face, "But if I were you I wouldn't worry." "What do you mean?"
"It's obvious Spencer loves you, I've never seen anyone's eyes light up the way his do when he talks about you."
Isabelle halted her steps, "He talks about me?"
"Yeah, all the time- ever since you came to the bau he constantly gushes about you to anyone who will listen."
"What does he say about me?" Isabelle questioned, "Well after he cussed you out on that case he told me he felt bad and that he was being dramatic because he really didn't hate you."
"Mhm, he said something like 'I can't hate her when I love her that much' I think."
"We're here" Emily pointed out with a smile, Isabelle was so caught up in talking with the fellow brunette she didn't even realize.
the girls spent their walk back to the bau talking about their love of the 'Harry Potter' book series.
àšà§
Derek walked over to Spencer, who was at the coffee bar pouring copious amounts of sugar into his coffee.
"Easy there, tough guy, have some coffee with your sugar." Derek laughed.Â
"I need something to wake me up." Spencer yawned, "Ooh, late night?" "Very."
"My man!" Derek patted him on the back, "Not that kind of late night." He scoffed.
"Hm, so you and pretty girl make up yet?" Morgan asked, Spencer looked to him with a confused expression plastered on his face, âWhoâs that?â
"Isabelle." Morgan replied
Spencer flared his nostrils, "Don't call her that." Derek raised his hands, âOk, ok my bad.â He laughed.
He leaned against the counter, "So you really like her, huh?"
Spencer blushed, "What- no! no we're just friends."
"You getting all defensive tells me you're not." Spencer looked around the bull pen, not finding Isabelle, "Okay, I like her."
Morgan's grin widened, "Pretty boys in love." He smirked, pinching Spencer's cheek.
He swatted Derek's hand away, "I don't think she even likes me so nothing's gonna happen."
Morgan raised his eyebrow, "Reid, seriously? You don't think she likes you?"
He shook his head, "Spencer I can definitely say she's in love with you, when Owen had that gun pointed at you all she could do was stare."
Spencer pursed his lips, still unsure, "Reid! When she hugged you she practically took both of you down."
"I guarantee she loves you." Morgan added before walking away.
Spencer stayed still, Emily once told his to never listen to Morgan's advice on female, but did that apply this time?
authors note!
the next chapter few chapters are sad (for you guys!) đđ
#jadeâs works âÂ·Ë àŒ *#gay sullen girl#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfiction#dr spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#mgg#matthew gray gubler#fbi#fbi agent#alexa demie
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the MOST baby girl man to ever exist.
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This Week in BL - We In A Slump, but help might be coming from a very strange source
Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.
Sept 2024 Week 4
Ongoing Series - Thai
Jack & Joker (Thai Mon IQIYI) ep 3 of 12 - I donât have a lot to say except that the plot is somewhat predictable but the show is still very engaging. War is fantastic. Iâm enjoying it a hell of a lot.
Monster Next Door (Thai Thurs Gaga ) ep 10 of 12 - The second leads are getting better in this one. I understand where they are coming from, which makes their conflict so much more understandably painful, and honest to a friends2lovers trope. The main couple is kinda standard college relationship drama, but they are cuties. Â
Kidnap (Fri YT) ep 4 of 12 - How is Ohm so damn gorgeous? Meanwhile, babiesâ first argument. And itâs sponge bath time. Q has got to be wondering if Min is as meticulous with all kinds of care and attention to detail all......the......time. Somebody here in the hellhole said something about this being "the most BL to ever BL." And I think theyâre right. At least right now. Although, watch out, we got us a new contender from the east.
I Saw You in My Dream (Weds Gaga) ep 11 of 12 - I do love the continuation of the perversion, in a good way, of the punishment trope from last week's episode. Oh, has the show finally remembered its title? NO SINGING.Â
Addicted Heroin (Thai Tues WeTV) ep 7 of 10 - More kidnapping and an attack and now thereâs a girl involved and somebodyâs going to China and I donât understand anything! And I donât really care. Is this how the actual book originally went? Because itâs wild. Also TOO MANY of flashbacks. I guess they got a bit of a boyfriend era, and the claiming during the water fight was cute, but otherwise...... meh
Love Sick 2024 (Thai Sun iQIYI) ep 2 of 15 - One shouldnât make comparisons, of course, but all I can think about is how amazing Captain was as Noh in the original series. Thus this show is mostly just making me want to rewatch the original. Itâd be an interesting twist to have Aim be queer instead of a damaged cool girl slut. Was the helmet hand letting go a foreshadow of the iconic bookstore hands letting go? Also, I gotta say for the second episode of a series there are already too many flashbacks. Why are they using filler when they have so much content crammed into so few (comparable) episodes for a series? Itâs annoying. Stop it.
Live in Love (Sun Gaga) ep 4 of 5 - This show has some interesting, if heavy handed, things to say about shipping and trolling, but also predatory/proprietary female behavior. Itâs fascinating to see it tackled head on, if handled in a profoundly clumsy manner. Iâm not sure how I feel about it. That said, most of this episode was actually an advertisement for a resort in Phuket.Â
Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) ep 2 of 10 - I'm getting What's Wrong with Secretary Kim? vibes from this show. Only this is WAY more bullying. Itâs very old-fashioned 90âs billionaire romance novel only gay. Itâs never a good sign when Iâm watching two boys kiss and I really want one of them to just bite the other ones lip off instead.
Battle of the Writers (Sun YT) ep 9 of 12 - No ep this week.Â
Ongoing Series - Not Thai
Sugar Dog Life (Japan Sun grey) ep 8 of 10 - Gosh itâs so frikin adorable. Baby got sick. He has SUCH A CRUSH. And such a courageous little confession! Yay! Canât wait for next week.Â
Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YouTube) ep 1 - sure, yes this is, in fact, just Ba Vinh doing his thing with pretty boys again. And yet...... There is a REASON this leapt into the standings guns blazing. So itâs high school set but it's stepbrothers trope. (My, arenât we popular this year?) I know, but I NEVER get tired of this trope. We got us Bach (BV's sullen tsundere) and Dat (babygirl meets bully). Itâs GREAT how the brothers' dynamic is entirely different at school than when they're at home. My ear isnât trained for Vietnamese, but I think Dat is using different pronouns depending on his location (his personality entirely shifts when heâs at school). Iâm not sold on the Bach character, although I always trust BV to serve in the end (at least we know the kisses will be good), but Dat is utterly in love, a touch spicy, and reasonably complex. The surrounding cast is good too, my favorite pretty boy is there playing top dog (woof), and one of the besties is out gay (YAY!). The plot of the show is...... well...... absent. Nothing happened. But if we are aiming for Love Sick slice of life style BL, I'm game. Subs are appropriately terrible and confusing. But I like it A FUCK TON so far, so Iâm gonna keep it in rotation. Nice to have Vietnam back in play. What a shocker.
2024 has been a year of upsets.
Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 3 of 10 eps - I weirdly enjoyed the farcical music and the utter absurdity of the court case. I also liked how it highlighted what a good team these two are. Frankly I donât mind a bit of an antihero sleazy lawyer + conman, it's engaging. Iâm getting wholesome out of Thailand. I donât really need it from Japan at the moment. Also I donât believe for one second our conman actually is serious about the relationship. Conmen gonna con. I'm reminded of the scorpion and the frog fable.
First Note Of Love (Taiwan Mon Gaga) ep 8 of 12 - I love Orca so much. I do not love the autotuned version of Orca, but I knew what I was in for with this particular show, it's in the title after all. I did laugh a whole lot when Laing used kha. Hon, I don't think that word means what you think it means......
The On1y One (Taiwan Thurs Gaga) eps 11-12fin - I never thought Iâd say this, but the pacing was off in the penultimate episode. Taiwan, and its chronic misuse of flashbacks strikes again. That said we eventually got a "lock in" trope and Wang being the biggest little flirt shit in the cafe OMG!!! Of course, you shouldnât use a girl to torment your bf, but it was so well done, I canât really complain. Meanwhile, teacher kisses. And now I understand exactly why theyâre present in this narrative. Clever. Bummer of a burden on that ending though. I cannot see how theyâll manage to stick this landing. [That was ep 11]
AND NOW EP 12 - doomey doomey doom
Not the water bottle trope! Argh the teenage lust of it all. Just stop it. Wang is so smart he knows exactly how bad he has to be to leave the class. And his bf certainly knows that too. And......
......
So that was not an ending and Iâm not happy about it and no one is surprised. Even Iâm not surprised. Iâm just disappointed. Even tho I suspected this was where we were headed I'm disappointed. Thatâs it. Thatâs all I got. How do I review something that was such a crushing let down?
Conclusion:
Based on a Mou Mou novel + the Your Name Engraved Herein team, this is old-school coming of age BL and it was bloody fantastic. Tsundere seme to beat all tsundere (smartest + tallest + bestest at everything but people) meets socially-ept cutie smart-ass uke. They're living together by end of ep 1 and start kissing by end of ep 2. A stellar tense slow burn stepbrothers trope that ate my life and than just belly-flopped the finale. What I'm left with is epic levels of disappointment and well...... at least nobody died? My standard "fatally flawed" rating for any BL is 4/10 so I guess thatâs what Iâm giving it.Â
Before you ask me for the stats: Taiwan does not have a history of second seasons. I went ahead and ran the numbers and the odds are certainly not in our favor. I put the chances at 2%.
Yes, I contemplated a revenge rating of 2/10 but even I'm not that mean.
It's airing but...
The Hidden Moon (Sat WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - This is a supernatural romance (my ghost boyfriend trope) by Violet Rain (I Feel You Linger). A man is hired to write an article about an old mansion in Chiang Mai being converted into a café. He sees the ghosts of people who died at the mansion, falls in love with one of them. Was substantially recast. I loved IFYLITA except the ending so I think I'll let this one run it's course you can tell me if it's work tracking down... if they managed to land it. I have my doubts.
In Case You Missed It
Falling For My Boss is vertical format (nash) short from Korean BL about a happy-go-unlucky man who keeps losing his flower shop business because of romantically misbehaving employees (apparently it's a thing). When his best employee brings in a new boy he's worried she's falling for him, but it turns out it's his own heart on the line. He a clueless softy and The Boy is a lost broken sweetheart, making this a gentle little snippet of a show. There's a baby linguistic negotiation, some hung slinging, awkward handholds, and everyone is very pretty. For me the absence of kisses and the vertical format were more annoying than the length, which felt fine but many viewers will find too short. I enjoyed the 30 minutes of cute. All of which makes this a solid 7/10 from me. It was originally only available on this one ap in very short form with ads so I wasn't gonna bother. Then some kind soul cut it together without ads and stuck it up for download. Say thank you.
Oddball recommendation next: This podcast episode touches on some stuff we see in Thai BL so I think it's worth listening to. Journalist Dominic Faulder on the Complex History Between Thailand & Myanmar
Happy of the End (Japan Gaga) - Completed its run. A boy is disowned for being gay, dumped by his boyfriend, and ends up in a dysfunctional co-dependant relationship with his would-be kidnapper. We were due for another messy JBL and it's exactly as expected. I do not like it at all and DNFed. Gossip round the hellhole is that was a solid decision.
Marriage Equality Law has officially been enacted in Thailand...
Yes the actual law. Goes into effect Jan 22, 2025
Next Week Looks Like This:
Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.
Coming Oct 2024:
10/3 Fourever You (Thai iQIYI?) 16 eps - New directs Earth (UWMA, 12%) + Pond (Century of Love, 180 Degrees), Bas (Gen Y, 2 Moons) + Maxky (Why You⊠Y Me?) and other familiar faces like Bever. Sampler pack university BL from Wabi Sabi that looks like it's trying to be a gay Boys Over Flowers (4 older med students hot boys) and I'm not mad about it. Trailer Not sure who's distributing this but my guess is iQIYI since they had the last few from this house.
10/7 Every You Every Me (Thai Gaga) 10 eps - Jade and Chin have lived over a thousand lifetimes. In each one they somehow manage to fall in love with each other. (This pair, TopMick was piloted in a My Universe ep, that was one of the only ones I liked.)
10/10 Eccentric Romance (Korea ????) 12 eps - Silkwoodâs 2nd Thai/Korean colab, that has been in production since 2022 which is a LONG time in the BL world. I'm worried but I like the concept: friends of 10 years whoâve been hiding feelings for each other enter the same university. Plus MURDER.
10/10 Gangster and His Boyfriend (Korea ????) 8 eps? - Kim Dong Bin (famous trainee & idol reality competitor, yeah that happens) stars as a fallen idol who unexpectedly becomes entangled in a gangster family. Discovers that his friendâs father is responsible for the murder of his entire family years ago. I don't know much about this one, neither does anyone else and I'm not sure where I got that release date soâŠâŠ
10/21 Love in the Big City (Korea ????) 8 eps - Adaptation of Booker-nominated famous coming of age novel of the same title by Park Sang-Young. Cynical yet fun loving student writer Young pinballs from home, to class, to Tinder matches. He and Jaehee, his female besie and roommate, frequent nearby bars where they push away their worries about life, love, and money with soju. As time passes Jaehee settles down and leaves Young to face his problems on his own. Young finding comfort in the arms of the series of men, including one whose handsomeness is matched by his coldness and another who might be the great love of his life. Not really BL. Stars Kim Go-eun (The King: Eternal Monarch), Noh Sang-hyun, and Nam Yoon Su (The Kingâs Affection). This already released as a movie and isn't very well regarded, this date is supposedly an international release as a series. I'm wary of it being BL.
THIS WEEKâS BEST MOMENTS
I got nothing, The On1y One drove me into a funk.
(Last week)
Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.
The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs
Sigh, Tumblr in its infinite wisdom doesn't like too many at-ings.
#this week in BL#BL updates#Jack & Joker#Jack and Joker#Addicted Heroin#Battle of the Writers#Monster Next Door#Sugar Dog Life#I Saw You in My Dream#The On1y One#First Note of Love#Live in Love#Kidnap the series#Love Sick 2024#Bad Guy My Boss#upcoming BL#BL news#BL reviews#BL gossip#Thai BL#Japanese BL#live action yaoi#Koren BL#BL starting soon#BL coming soon#new BL#The Only One Review#Teenage Judge#Vietnamese BL#Falling For My Boss
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As parents of queer children, Alyssa and Corlys have rather different approaches to how they handle their childrenâs sexualities. Theyâre sensible enough to know that being gay in their society isnât socially acceptable; though itâs not openly condemned either. But, because of their circumstances, they would hold private misgivings: Alyssa needing her family to conform to societal norms in order to ensure stability for the realm and Corlys wanting heirs of his own blood and feeling frustrated at the lack of.
Alyssaâs daughter, Rhaena, has her share of female companions. I donât think Alyssa could have anticipated that Rhaena would develop affectionate feelings for other girls. But once it happens, Alyssa, who had previously tried to have her daughter form close bonds with girls now tries to distance them from each other. Of course, she doesnât isolate Rhaena completely because her daughter is still a princess and therefore, she needs her ladies about her. So instead, Alyssa ensures that if she sees Rhaena getting too close with any girl, she switches them out. Rhaena does not like all the companions her mother provides her but the ones she does like are also the ones that are taken away from her. Itâs probably for this reason that Rhaenaâs girlfriends are often described as former favourites because they were not allowed to remain by her side for long once they reached the favourite status. As the Queen, Alyssa has complete authority to dismiss any of her daughtersâ companions as she sees fit.
Though her mother provided her with a succession of suitable companions, the daughters of lords great and small, Rhaena never seemed to warm to any of them, preferring the company of a book.
[âŠ]
Not long after, Rhaena made her first true friend in the person of her cousin Larissa Velaryon. For a time the two girls were inseparableâŠuntil Larissa was suddenly recalled to Driftmark to be wed to the second son of the Evenstar of Tarth. The young are nothing if not resilient, however, and the princess soon found a new companion in the Handâs daughter, Samantha Stokeworth.
â Fire & Blood, The Sons of the Dragon
Itâs the same thing Alyssa later does with her younger daughter, Alysanne. The reason here being the reputation of the family. That is what drives Alyssaâs actions. She is often shown to be a person that does care about public perception.
Alysanne did not choose these companions for herself; they were selected for her by her mother, Queen Alyssa, and they came and went with some frequency, to ascertain that the princess did not grow too fond of any of them. Her sister Rhaenaâs penchant for showering an unseemly amount of affection and attention on a succession of favorites, some of whom were considered less than suitable, had been the source of much whispering at court, and the queen did not want Alysanne to be the subject of similar rumors.
â Fire & Blood, A Surfeit of Rulers
Though there are times when Alyssa does allow Rhaena some leniency to spend time with her favourite companions, those moments are very rare. For the most part, Alyssaâs priorities tend to be about the realm.
The princess had been most loath to be parted from her dragon, Dreamfyre, and her latest favorite, Melony Piper, a red-haired maiden from the riverlands. It was only when her mother, Queen Alyssa, sent for Lady Melony to join them on the progress that Rhaena finally put aside her sullenness to join the celebrations.
â Fire & Blood, The Sons of the Dragon
Rhaena was described as being a shy child. Though she did grow out of her shyness, she still had a quiet nature. I think for someone like her, to have even the smallest hint of her identity denied by her parent would feel rather suffocating. Alyssa is the type of person who always looks at the bigger picture but it makes her miss smaller details in the process. Sheâs too focused on organizing the kingdom/preserving the peace/guiding the King. Sheâs said to be concerned about rumours that may follow her daughter because of the closeness she shares with other girls so from her perspective, sheâs acting to protect her daughter. I doubt she would even realize how Rhaena could feel hurt and isolated by her actions (and Rhaena does voice that she feels pushed away by her own family).
Iâd say all this is part of the reason why Rhaena so thoroughly excludes her mother from the new life she attempts to build for herself, with her old favourites by her side. It is either Rhaena seeking out her companions or her companions seeking her out, but it always happens away from Alyssa.
Two of Rhaenaâs former favorites, Samantha Stokeworth and Alayne Royce, made their way to Fair Isle in some haste to stand with the widowed queen, together with the groomâs high-spirited sister, the Lady Elissa. The remainder of the guests were bannermen and household knights sworn to either House Farman or House Lannister. King and court remained entirely ignorant of the marriage until a raven from the Rock brought word, days after the wedding feast and the bedding that sealed the match.
[âŠ]
Chroniclers in Kingâs Landing report that Queen Alyssa was deeply offended by her exclusion from her daughterâs wedding, and that relations between mother and child were never as warm afterward.
â Fire & Blood, The Year of the Three Brides
By the end of Alyssaâs life, she and Rhaena are essentially estranged from each other. Alyssaâs concerns are understandable. With the Targaryen dynasty still young, she would feel that they have to make sure to conform as much as possible with the social norms. The wars against the Faith Militant and Maegor further push her to become more concerned with the familyâs discipline. But this does cost her a relationship with her daughter.
Skip forward a few generations and the dynamic between parent and child is different now.
Corlysâ son, Laenor, is said to surround himself in the company of other boys. Since house Velaryon was isolated on Driftmark for many years, after distancing themselves from the royal court, this could have actually helped create a feeling of being free from societal constraints. Laenorâs male companions are considered a steady fixture at his side over the years. Heâs allowed such complete freedom in his relationships that his sexuality is basically an open secret, unlike with Rhaena, where it was hushed whispers barely spoken of.
One objection was raised: Laenor Velaryon was now nineteen years of age, yet had never shown any interest in women. Instead he surrounded himself with handsome squires of his own age, and was said to prefer their company. But Grand Maester Mellos dismissed this concern out of hand. âWhat of it?â he said. âI do not like the taste of fish, but when fish is served, I eat it.â
[âŠ]
The princess knew much and more about Laenor Velaryon, and had no wish to be his bride. âMy half-brothers would be more to his taste,â she told the king.
â Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon
Laenorâs easygoing manner at his wedding suggests a level of comfort. He openly gives his favor to another man as if he is not used to hiding himself.
When Rhaenyra bestowed her garter on Ser Harwin, her new husband laughed and gave one of his own to Ser Joffrey.
â Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon
Despite the fact that his wedding turned into a disaster, Laenorâs life does not change too badly.
He is allowed to openly grieve his lover, Joffrey, and he is allowed to return back home to High Tide, rather than conform to a marriage that would give him misery.
Borne bloody from the field, Ser Joffrey died without recovering consciousness six days later. Mushroom tells us that Ser Laenor spent every hour of those days at his bedside and wept bitterly when the Stranger claimed him.
[âŠ]
Ser Laenor returned to Driftmark thereafter, leaving many to wonder if his marriage had ever been consummated. The princess remained at court, surrounded by her friends and admirers.
[âŠ]
Ser Laenor preferred the comforts of High Tide, where he soon found a new favorite in a household knight named Ser Qarl Correy.
â Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon
Qarl is a knight directly under Corlysâ service. As such, if Corlys wanted to, he could have him removed from his household for daring to be in a relationship with his son. Instead, he allows the relationship to persist for many years.
Although Corlys may be frustrated that things arenât going according to plan, he clearly cares about Laenorâs happiness first and foremost, even if it interferes with any ambitions of his own. But sometimes, Corlys does let his plans interfere with Laenorâs happiness. When Laenor states his intentions to name his sons, Corlys denies him (perhaps the first time heâs ever done so) and has the child named like a Velaryon: Jacaerys. He continues to deny Laenor for the second son too by giving the boy another Velaryon name: Lucerys. But by the time the third son is born, Corlys finally relents to Laenorâs wishes.
Laenorâs wish to name the child Joffrey was overruled by his father, Lord Corlys. Instead the child was given a traditional Velaryon name: Jacaerys.
[âŠ]
Ser Laenor was at last permitted to name a child after his fallen friend, Ser Joffrey Lonmouth.
â Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon
Btw, itâs not Rhaenyra giving the permission here but Corlys. The text makes it rather obvious when sheâs finally allowed the right to name her own child and itâs certainly not when it comes to the elder three boys (thatâs just a Corlys vs Rhaenyra issue though). I think a lot of people miss this key detail that even naming a child can be a power play among the nobility. Corlys has his own reasons for what he does when it comes to any of his grandsons, but the main reason he would be okay with letting them be his grandsons is surely because Laenor called them sons first. Thereâs a certain level of indulgence present in the relationship between Corlys and Laenor.
Concerning Laenorâs sexuality, Corlysâ problem appears to be that Laenor does not do his duty to sire actual sons of his body. If Laenor did his duty, then I do not think Corlys would care if Laenor started having relationships with a dozen or a hundred different men. But itâs a frustration that Corlys does eventually come to terms with. He allowed Laenor a freedom of identity and so itâs Laenor who chooses to remain comfortably by Corlysâ side.
#valyrianscrolls#asoiaf#alyssa velaryon#queen rhaena targaryen#corlys velaryon#laenor velaryon#alyssa & rhaena#corlys & laenor#meta#grrm wrote in a lot of queer themes for several different generations of velaryons#love that for me đ€
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This seems really indulgent and I know (and love!) footy au so no pressure at all but -- more butch Bea? Would make my day anytime, whatever you might have in mind! :) Thank you for your words
[i love indulgence, here's what was supposed to be one scene & ended up being 8.4k words about how remarkable it is to be butch :) for @unicyclehippo , also on ao3]
//
giving your body to ava is easy; giving your body to yourself is the hard part.
youâre supposed to protect her, youâre told: keeping her safe is the only thing that matters. you understand, as you tug a scratchy blanket up over her shoulders on a train to a little town nestled in the alps, that you are in charge of keeping ava safe because sheâs the halo-bearer, because sheâs the key to slaying demons and defeating adriel and heaven and hell and the earth between. youâre not supposed to keep her safe because sheâs ava, but her breaths are warm against your neck, tucked in safely, her chin on your shoulder â you will keep her safe. itâs a vow you take with the gravitas you have your others, perhaps even more certain, sure, clear: you will keep ava safe.
youâve felt the same impulse â not as strong, and not as sharp, but the same â toward a few people youâve known. mackenzie, in third grade, after keith, a fourth grader, called her a bitch at recess, and it was easy, so easy, to let the anger well up in you and to, just like youâd been trained in aikido since you were five, punch him in the throat. youâd had to go to the principalâs office after a small riot had erupted, and youâd sat, sullen, while your principal told your mother and father what had happened. they asked you to apologize, and the words â rotten and wrong â got stuck in your throat. you were suspended for a week and your parents made you go to bed without dinner the entire time; your stomach ached to the point of physical pain and it was hard to think, but when you went back to school, mackenzie had smiled big and bright and had kissed your cheek and brought extra cookies to share at lunch, and it was so worth it.
youâd felt the same impulse in eighth grade, with marin, your best friend. she would come over after archery, and she said she didnât mind that you were sweaty, even though you knew, objectively, it was gross. marin was always wearing a ripped denim jacket you were, silently, in love with, and her parents let her put purple streaks in her dark hair, and you couldnât stop thinking about her mouth, even during algebra II, your favorite class. you learned to walk, on impulse, between her and the road whenever you were on the sidewalk; you held hands and felt proud: you were, in ways you had no idea how to name, hers. she pressed you up against the packages of mein and liangpi and cans of kidney beans in your pantry and kissed you, quietly and softly, one day. your first kiss, in the dark in the closet, and you had frozen stock still because â homosexuals are going to hell; thatâs not love, thatâs a sin, every sunday, and wednesdays during lent and vespers too, all the rosaries in the world wonât take away the way marin sighing into your mouth feels so perfect you want to die in it â itâs in your core, this want. so, of course, you kiss her back. you donât know what youâre doing, have only watched movies where boys kiss girls or maybe youâd mostly skipped those parts; maybe in bend it like beckham you had paid attention to keira knightlyâs short hair and her stomach and jesminderâs smile and the curve of her nose and found it more compelling than the menâs matches your dad takes you and your brother to see. your hands are shaking but you fist them in marinâs hair, coarse and curly and perfect, and you think you might explode when she rests her palm on your hip. it feels a little like jumping off a cliff.
and even your father walking in on you hadnât stopped you from the want; your motherâs youâre disgusting; iâd rather you take your own life than be gay and the priest at their church telling you, quite clearly, that being a lesbian would result in eternal damnation. even that hadnât been enough to stop the awful and bright desire to help krishna fix her shelf in her dorm in switzerland when you were sixteen, to accept her thanks in the form of laughter and sweet halwa. you are wrong, you know so, because your parents had seen you kissing a girl and you hadnât wanted to repent; you had wanted to protect marin from speeding cars and hold her hand in the rain and fall asleep curled up next to her with a movie playing in the background, one where girls kiss and they donât die afterward. itâs a suicide mission, maybe, the way krishnaâs skirt rides up to her underwear while she sits on her bed and watches you level the shelf, her brown skin and the stretch marks you think are beautiful, that you think about kissing, all the time. you learn fencing and archery and you get multiple blackbelts in kendo; one of your sensei has a bright smile and short hair and the most precise hands. sheâs beautiful in a way you donât understand, not really, not yet: her hair is cropped short, and her jaw is square and compelling, and she speaks softly and kindly. when she corrects one of your stances you feel a race of electricity down your spine, the opposite of the stress you feel as your hips get bigger, as you go through the embarrassing ordeal of learning how to put a tampon in, as you have to go up a size with your sports bra. she teaches you to use a bo, and there are many things you canât name: the power; the ache â you see a reflection that feels so much like a home to you that you are not supposed to want that you donât know how to face it.
most of the girls in your school had gone to university; you had opened your letters from oxford; from tsinghua; from harvard; from the eth, with steady, sure hands, reading the acceptances calmly. it wasnât hard, not this part: you braid your hair carefully each day and feel a little like throwing up every time you had to put your skirt on, the weekends and your aikido and judo classes and the standard, starchy, thick gi the most profound reprieve â you studied and you took your exams and it was easy, to become an asset, to become a weapon. youâre brilliant, all of the adults in your life tell you so. you stare at your ceiling and on the bad nights you canât feel your hands. on the bad nights you want to touch yourself so badly you could scream, and you let your fingers wander down your stomach into the curls that have grown dark between your legs, and you think of stupid keira knightlyâs hipbones and you feel the wetness there before you pull your hand away, every time. itâs wrong, to want like you do: to think of what a tweed jacket like your professors wear would look like, how your shoulders would be square and strong; every now and then, you stare at the scissors in your bathroom, for trims in the months between semester breaks when you can leave the grounds, and wonder what it would be like to just cut your hair short, how you might get in trouble but it also might be a relief. there is so much grace you canât give to yourself yet.
of course, youâre not brave enough for any of it. you are brave, enough, however, to want to die: the ocs is bloody and brutal and a home unlike one youâve ever known. itâs easier to push all of the sin down and fashion yourself useful, so useful if anyone, anyone at all, ever found out what you think about in the middle of the night, they would still have to value you: you have your arrows and your knives and your sisters and the most beautiful bo you had ever seen. you have your habit and your combat boots; you eat three exacting meals a day and you want and you want and you fucking want â but you tell ava about it, as clearly as you can, and she just loves you. youâre rude, for a second, but she sits patiently and doesnât judge you for your tears or the curling desire in your chest, and then, what feels like a literal miracle, she tells you that youâre beautiful and you want to be called that, you want to be called handsome, you want her to laugh at your jokes and stare too long at your freckles. you want to love her, and you do: you want ava, who is so pretty and kind, despite it all, to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you will be there for her. so you bandage the cut along your cheekbone in the train car and donât think of the acceptance letters you had calmly thrown in your trashcan, or the thick watch the woman in front of you was wearing, her sleeves rolled up her forearms, or the way ava is warm and soft and you will gone on as many suicide missions as it took to protect her. to protect her, not the halo, not the church: ava.
she stirs eventually and smiles up at you, groggy and grateful and trusting, like she knows you wonât let anything bad happen to her; itâs easy to let her touch you, to let her lean on you, to let her use you for anything she needs. your heart swells as she burrows deeper into your side.
/
the first time you really allow yourself to think of it, this monstrous, lovely ache inside of you, is when lena, a shopkeeper in switzerland with a neat fade, a perfect quiff combed neatly on top, streaked with grey, and an impeccable linen suit, hands you a pair of pants. ava is in the dressing room trying on a pile of tiny clothes â which you do your absolute best not to think about â and the soft material and exact stitching: neat pleats that will accommodate the small flare of your hips; a straight leg that will sit at your ankle. lena smiles and offers you a few button downs, oversized and collarless, tailored perfectly, and she doesnât know youâre a nun but you take them all and tell yourself that theyâre suitable for you because theyâre modest, because they wonât draw attention â not the way avaâs brightly patterned button down she ties into a crop top will, not the way ava will, just inherently, with her perfect smile and elegant brow. youâre drawn to earth tones, to subtle patterns, to thick cotton that drapes without sitting against your chest too snugly. ava loves your clothes, apparently, which is mostly expected because ava loves everything and, youâre certain of it, ava loves you. not as a sister warrior, not as a nun, but as beatrice, which is perhaps the scariest thing of them all.
/
one day, while ava is working and you have unadulterated and unmonitored time to yourself, you let your feet carry you to lenaâs shop. ava has been reading you poems at night, and sheâs been steadily collecting a few vinyl to play on the phonograph, even though itâs prone to skipping. itâs a life, gentle and slow, even with your training and the looming threat of an apocalypse of literally biblical proportions, and you have no idea how to reconcile who you have always tried to be with who you are, and what you want.
the first night you had been in switzerland, in your tiny apartment with dust and lumpy furniture and avaâs desperately excited energy, you had sat on the couch quietly as she puttered around and then finally settled in bed. you had lied back on the couch, and she had huffed and then sat up: âbea, what are you doing?â she had asked.
you hadnât been able to find the words that you really meant so instead youâd told her, âiâm keeping watch,â and you hadnât had to look away from the water stain on the ceiling to know she was rolling her eyes. you had argued, a little, but the couch was genuinely so uncomfortable and you hadnât slept in so long, youâd gotten up and shuffled to the unoccupied side of the bed. âare you sure this is okay?â youâd asked, and sheâd squinted.
âwhy wouldnât it be?â
you had frowned and bitten your bottom lip and stumbled through, âbecause i â iâve told you, i ââ
ava had rolled her eyes. âi donât care what your sexuality is, beatrice. what i do care about is you sleeping; youâre dead on your feet.â she had paused and waited for you to situate yourself under the covers, stiffly on your back, and she had huffed a breath and then â slowly, and you were not the only one who understood the overstep of nonconsensual touch, the pain and fury â settled her head just under your chin, resting on your chest. âi trust you to keep me safe.â
looking back, maybe that was it, maybe that was the moment you understood: one day, you want to wear a suit to a nice dinner; you want loose, perfectly tailored pants and expensive, thick cotton and for women and femme people â someone like ava; ava herself, you allow yourself â to think that you are attractive, that youâre sexy, that you would do anything to make sure theyâre cared for. that you delight in it.
lena is a miracle herself, you think: she understands who you are, or, at least, who you want to be, buried underneath the rubble of a thousand explosions youâd set off along your spine and within your ribcage. she hands you a beautiful suit, and she lets you try it on; some days, you have tea with her wife and practice your arabic and you blush at aleynaâs gravely voice and the way she talks about her favorite art. you are overcome, when you see yourself in the mirror; your soul, eternal longevity be damned, leaps: there you are. you do up an elegant pair of cufflinks and look at a reflection you have always wanted to know.
there you are.
/
avaâs freedom is enviable: she wears clothes she loves and excitedly lets you cut her hair to her chin, because she wants to and because she thinks itâs fun and itâll look so cute, bea, and she smiles afterward, laughs at herself, delighted, in the mirror. you let her think sheâs convinced you of something really exciting and serious when you agree to get highlights; mostly, it makes her happy, and itâs not exactly what you want, but itâs something. ava flirts with boys, and ava flirts with girls, and she leans forward against the bar and winks at you when you drag your eyes away from her chest. some days, you think you might strike up the nerve to ask her, late at night, after youâd heard her touching herself in the shower, stifling little moans: what does it feel like to want with abandon? what is it like?
but you donât: you dance with her, your head hazy, and you leave a letter â too sentimental, too telling, but a breath â for lena and her wife before you flee. you fight your way through all of madrid and an awful, nightmare of a vision of her with the fog, and then you hold her in your arms, once, after she dies again, after she falls and her body explodes inside its skin â literally. you pray and pray and pray â to her, not a single thought spared for god, and you would give up everything in your life: your vows, your worth, everything, for her to be alive. and she is, eventually, and you help her out of your clothes and itâs a kind of honor in this too: she trusts you not to hurt her, never to hurt her. she trusts you, in the shower, while youâre in an undershirt and boxers and you clean the blood from her ears, to be gentle to her, and to keep her safe.
you have your habit and your robes and your weapons; with each passing day, you become more and more terrified that ava is going to die. you love her; you want, in some way, to spend your life with her, whatever that might mean. but where does it all lead for you if she does die? you clutch your rosary in your hand and feel a very particular horror: who are you, if not for avaâs love? where, now, would all that want go?
/
ava kisses you. itâs your second kiss; youâre the second person sheâs kissed, you know as much, but it doesnât matter: youâve held her before. you know this, as surely as you know anything. she has been many people, in some way or another, and maybe you have to. thereâs so much of your life that has never been yours but the decision to follow her lips as she draws back and bring your hand to her jaw rests in your hands, as steady as they are when you have your bo, and far gentler.
ava kisses you, as she decides to die. you hold her as her body â this beautiful, small, miracle of a body that you love, that you love â fails her, with a particular finality as it glows blue and crumples. you know, when you send her through the portal, that you are going to have to leave this life you have forced down your throat and driven into the marrow of your bones like rods in the center. i love you, you tell her. you hope she knows.
/
no one cares, you realize, if you try on a pair of menâs jeans at a thrift store in berlin. in fact, robbie compliments them casually; youâre not sure if they know how much it means, but they have a lump of skirts in their arms and a neatly trimmed beard and glamorous blue eyeliner today, so you think they probably do. you pull the pants on in the dressing room: theyâre light washed, and loose; they fall just at the bottom of your ankles, and you cuff them twice and pull on the sturdy blundstones youâve worn all over the world at this point. you can see yourself in them in the winter, a big, elegant peacoat and a scarf pulled around your neck, and soft and warm; you can see yourself in them in the summer, rolled up with sandals and an oversized t-shirt. itâs different, than the time youâd tried on a suit â more casual, more variable â but the recognition is there all the same.
âdid you like them?â robbie asks, meeting you at the front with a few skirts and a crop top that pangs in your chest because robbie will look great in it; because ava would love it.
âi loved them,â you say, and a knot releases somewhere in your chest.
/
you end up in los angeles â one tattoo on the top of your wrist and a surfing lesson booked â mostly because itâs the city of angels, which feels a little inevitable, and also mostly because itâs so far from anything youâve ever known. you keep to yourself at first, mostly, but then you make casual conversation with a few of the surfers out near your airbnb every morning, and they love your accent and give you pointers on how to pop up on your increasingly smaller board and invite you to an arooj aftab show at the broad. it aches, to live this life without ava, even though itâs what she wanted for you, what she asked of you.
you drive along the hellish freeway to make it on time, and you let your friends buy you a drink at the outdoor bar, a little paper wristband signaling youâre over 21 after youâd shown your ID at the entrance; you had agonized over what to wear and settled on your favorite pair of pants, one that youâve had since switzerland, a wide-legged pair in a deep navy that lena had tailored to fit your waist properly, and a linen collarless button down in a seafoam so pale itâs almost white, the sleeves cuffed up to your elbows, a pair of airforce 1s which your friend had promised you are, without fail, cool. you feel nervous but then your friends seriously look through some art pieces in the museum before the show, and one of them has on a pair of leather chaps, and no one cares at all. youâve pulled your hair up into a careful, smooth bun for as long as you can remember, and at the show you close your eyes and let your heart hurt: you miss ava. you miss the love of your life, and you miss your faith, and you miss something youâve wanted your entire life: to be seen as who you are. to be brave enough.
thereâs lilting smoke and bright lights diluted by it, everything striking in urdu; you canât translate each word, of course not, but you do understand: there are so many ways to pray. there are so many gods to pray to.
your friend drops you off at your apartment later that night; you stand in the kitchen in your black sports bra and the simplest pair of black cotton underwear you could find, and let your hair out of its bun. your skin is clean and clear and you have more freckles now than you have your entire life. your hair has gotten long, and every few days someone decides to tell you itâs beautiful. it is, you guess, even though, sometimes, it doesnât feel like yours. youâd watched paris is burning a few weeks ago, alone at night when it was dark and the only noise you could hear was the gentle brush of the waves outside, after youâd poured yourself one of your favorite ipas and made popcorn, after youâd liet yourself eat a piece of pizza even though you hadnât gone on a run earlier. you donât feel like yourself, not all the way: you donât always want to look at your hips and your chest and when your hair tickles along the middle of your back you have to close your eyes and breathe through it; you love the muscles that have grown sharper and bigger along your arms and the ink in your skin and the way your thighs cut strong and taper down to your knees, the color of your eyes at sunset. you are becoming; it hurts.
you watch the holiness in the ballrooms and you know: people have been far, far braver than you. loving ava â loving yourself â is not a kind of death sentence; itâs a kind of life.
/
camila facetimes you in the mid-morning, after youâve just finished sparring. youâre in a sports bra, the weather too hazy and hot to wear your entire gi on the full walk home. camila grins when she sees your bare shoulders.
âpicking up the ladies, bea?â
youâve never definitively said anything, but you kissed ava and then renounced your vows and, honestly, you think everyone probably knew the entire time anyway â itâs not as scary as you thought it would be: camilaâs eyes are bright and clear and sheâs just calling to say hi. thereâs no condemnation; thereâs no judgement, only your friend, your sister.
âno, no,â you say, and camila pouts, which makes you laugh. âitâs just hot.â
âprobably because youâre shirtless on the streets of los angeles.â
âitâs a two block walk home from my dojo, camila.â
âyouâre not a nun anymore,â she says. âlet me have a little fun with it, at least.â
youâre quiet, just a beat too long.
âhow are you doing?â she asks, resolute and gentle like always.
it goes without saying: you miss ava so much it feels like youâve broken your wrists; you are in love with the world. âiâm â iâm figuring it out.â
itâs a more hopeful answer than camila was expecting, clearly, because she perks up and smiles.
âwell,â she says, âit looks good on you.â
/
one night you think of the curve of avaâs rib. the twelfth, exactly, the way it wrapped slightly in her back, near her spine, a flutter away. you think of the way her shirt rode up in the middle of the night, how she rolled over onto her stomach and you saw the dimples above the waistband of her shorts, the curve of her ass, the nape of her neck, the delicate press of her wrists. it felt wrong, to look like that, your eyes red with sleep â but she was there, and she was so, so beautiful.
one night you canât sleep and you close your eyes and think about the way avaâs lips had felt against yours. you try not to concentrate on any of the bad, just for now, just for a breath, just for this sliver of moonlight and the quiet seep of your desire onto your fingers when you press between your legs.
you wonder, absently, if hell will open up and swallow you whole. you rub circles around your clit and try, so hard, to listen to your body, to trust it like you had only learned how to do in a fight, like you had only allowed yourself in moments of pain and danger. but youâre safe, in this big bed by the ocean, and you think of avaâs twelfth rib and heaven and you come silently, pleasure drenching down your spine as you allow it to curve into the light.
you give your body to yourself, just for a few minutes, and it feels like heaven. you lie back against your pillow and blink open your eyes and laugh.
/
ava has been back for less than twelve hours before she flits through your closet. youâve picked up pieces here and there, mostly earth tones, mostly loose and comfortable fabrics; you have a few hoodies, which seem to really delight her, and a tweed jacket you havenât fully worked up the courage to wear with some slacks yet, although theyâre both there, and ready, and available.
âthis is so gay,â she says fondly, meaning, you presume, your entire wardrobe, and itâs so, so stupid for you to feel panicked, because you are gay and you want, so badly, to love being gay, because you love ava, more than heaven and earth, and she came back for you. but still, you canât erase so many years of hating a fundamental part of who you are; ava frowns and walks up to you slowly. âbea.â
âitâs fine.â
âiâm sorry.â she takes both of your hands in hers and runs her thumb along the back gently. âi donât â this is all still kind of new to you, i guess.â
itâs gentle, and forgiving, and opens up so much space for you. you had wanted, so, so many times, to change into who you are, brimming under the surface, and youâd only started to feel brave enough when youâd seen her genuine smile at your new slacks in switzerland. you suppose, really, itâs not that much different now. âi, uh, i see a therapist.â
âoh?â she doesnât back away, only squeezes your hands. âthatâs awesome. do you like them?â
âi do.â
she just stands and waits and you are thankful for her, again and again; you have missed her so, so much.
âi started â because i was grieving,â you say, quietly and in the direction of a row of sneakers on the floor. âi went because i was hurting, and i didnât know what to do with it.â you had started going because, one night, you had gotten roaringly drunk at a little bar in echo park and felt like you wanted to walk into fucking traffic on the 405 when a girl with avaâs lotion passed by you, but thatâs a detail you can mention another time, or never.
âiâm sorry, bea.â
âno.â you touch her face gently, rest your hand on her collarbone. ânot your fault. but what i mean is that â i started going because i missed you, and i didnât know who i was, really. i left the church, and i fell in love with you, and, like, how do i become who i really am as a lesbian ex-nun whose â uh, person, is, well, missing, for an undetermined amount of time.â
âtherapy does seem like a good start with that,â she says sagely. âalso, person?â
âwe hadnât discussed what we were to each other, before the portal, so.â you shrug. âi know youâre my partner. but you are also my person.â
âlove that,â she says, and smiles, âand love you. and other than how incredible i am, what have you learned about yourself?â
you lead her to a drawer in your closet, and you open it and take out a chest binder, black and unassuming, one you havenât worn yet but had bought one morning online, after youâd had a wonderful surf session and you had wondered, just enough, how it might feel. âi donât know,â you say. âi donât â iâm figuring it out.â ava is still and patient beside you; you have a holy war coming, one neither of you is sure to survive, and it all seems to matter a little less in the face of it. or, maybe, it matters more. âis that okay?â
âfuck yeah,â ava says. âyouâre so hot, like, god, even hotter than i remember? what a fucking gift! and, yeah, i mean, youâre however you feel, regardless of me. i know iâm like really awesome, but iâm just a person. kind of. for these purposes, iâm just a girl. mostly.â she laughs at herself. âanyway, try it on! if you want. i love you, and i want to see.â
for your entire life youâll hold it in your heartspace: i love you, and i want to see. just like that, just like a commandment â true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. âokay.â
âsweet,â ava says, âiâll be waiting out here, whenever youâre ready.â
you step into the binder and pull it on like youâd watched a few tutorials of, and you donât think itâs something you want all of the time, but your heart pounds and your palms sweat and then your entire body settles when you situate the straps on your shoulders and turn in the mirror, see your chest mostly flat. again, itâs like seeing yourself for the very first time: there you are.
you wipe a few tears from your cheeks and let out a big breath and then slip a t-shirt over your head, pad out to where ava is very obviously vibrating with excitement and not at all reading the book on her lap, opened to a random page.
she groans and leans back dramatically. âeven hotter, wow.â
âyeah?â
âyes!â she narrows her eyes. âbut, from what i think your therapist is getting at: how does it make you feel? even if i wasnât here to tell you how hot you are, which i always will be now, obviously. but even if i wasnât, what are you feeling?â
unbound, you remember, unburdened. âhappy,â you say, and she stands and runs her hands up and down your sides, over your flat chest, and kisses you. âi feel so happy.â
/
ava is overjoyed when one of your friends in madrid invites you to a drag show. technically, youâre both supposed to be Very Seriously Working, because there really is an imminent number of battles looming over the horizon, but you rent a little flat a few blocks from headquarters and sometimes try your best to take ava on dates. obviously, she enjoys doing everything in her power to loudly woo you: she buys flowers from a vendor on the corner and dramatically gives them to you; she brings home books you might like, in all kinds of languages; she tells everyone at the ocs how your lesbian love was what was strong enough to bring her back from the other realm. itâs all a little ridiculous, but she always has been, and itâs intoxicating to be the sole focus of her joy sometimes.
ava whistles and you roll your eyes when you slip a warm oversized cream color wool sweater over your binder, careful not to mess up your meticulous bun, and let it sit loose and elegant over a pair of navy slacks and slip on a pair of brown loafers. ava is in a dress and a blazer and sheâs done eyeliner and lipstick and sheâs so, so fucking beautiful. youâd put a little mascara and chapstick on and a little thrill goes through you: ava wants to be on your arm tonight; she wants to sit next to you and whisper joyously in your ear and kiss you and come home with you â ava looks like that and ava is yours.
there are three queens performing that night, two songs each, ava informs you, when you meet up with your friends. itâs loud and bright and one of the queens â avaâs favorite, if her screaming next to you has any indication â does âpure/honeyâ from renaissance, which, in avaâs words, brings the house down.
âgender fuckery is heaven, baby,â the queen says after, to absolutely raucous cheers from the crowd. ava looks at you with a raised brow but her grin is so big you canât do anything but kiss her: the swell in your chest is good, you decide, like a perfect set by the pier just after sunrise, wave after wave breaking in a way your body knows exactly what to do with, exactly how to ride safely into shore. you wipe a few tears but you let ava drag you to your feet and you sing along, on your own accord, when they play whitney houston.
/
âwhatâs one thing â especially something that youâve maybe felt scared of, or that youâre not sure youâll like â that you associate with queerness that youâve always wanted to try?â
and, like, therapy is hard, okay? itâs hard when ava is so overjoyed and so fearless about her own sexuality, and about loving you without any hesitation; of course, you both have trauma, but ava has never, in her entire life, tried to deny herself want or pleasure or expression.
and itâs hard because, god, there are so many things on that list. some of them youâve done: buying menâs pants (that fit you like a dream, thank you very much); dancing with ava and finally kissing her after a few shots; going to a lesbian bar; going to a drag show. you want to get more tattoos â some that mean important things, and maybe some that donât, that you just like â and you want to smoke weed the way ava does with your friends sometimes, laughing slow and soft and curling up in your lap. you want to kiss ava in front of a van gogh without checking around you first; you want to pull her chair out at dinner; you want to laugh when your friends say thatâs gay â with lots of love â after one of them says something sweet about their partner. you want ava to steal your clothes. you want to go to pride. you want, very badly, to find a church that doesnât make you feel like dying.
âit doesnât have to be serious,â your therapist says, coaxing you along just a little. âit doesnât have to be huge or life-changing. just something you might try, whatever comes to mind.â
âa haircut.â it sort of comes out of your mouth without permission, but maybe that was the point; youâre still figuring out want and desire and giving in to them without anxiety.
your therapist smiles, and it feels good, warm, to know that youâve told the truth, that she seems to understand. âwhy does that scare you?â
you look down at your hands and will yourself not to fidget; your therapist notices and hands you a stim toy, admittedly your favorite one.
âwell, first, what if i hate it?â
âhaircuts are, fortunately, relatively temporary. what would you do if you did hate it?â
âgrow it out again, i guess.â you think of avaâs collection of hats and beanies. âa cap, maybe?â
âlogical. what else scares you?â
âwhat if ava hates it?â
âwell, from everything i know of ava, i doubt she would hate anything you decide could bring you joy. and she seems very into you.â
it gets you to smile: ava makes that known often, and to everyone she wants, itâs true.
âwhen ava tries something, like a haircut or color, or a more masculine or feminine outfit, how do you feel?â
âi love her, obviously. in any form; sheâs beautiful and sheâs my partner.â
your therapist smiles. âexactly. and, beyond that, i know weâve been talking about this, but your sexuality and your relationship to it, and your joy in it, lies far outside of your partner. you were a lesbian before you met ava, and you will be, no matter what your relationship with her is, unless you decide you feel something different. your queerness and place in it isnât just about sex, or your partner. itâs about who you are, fundamentally, and how you want to be seen for it.â
you nod, take a deep breath. âyes. i guess, well, when i was younger, 12 or 13, maybe, i wanted to cut my hair short. i was in so many martial arts and archery classes; i ran and swam all the time, so it seemed easier. it also seemed ⊠cool? like, i thought it might feel⊠that it might feel good, or right. i didnât know why.â
âwhy didnât you cut your hair then?â
âmy mother, when i asked, she said that it would make people think iâm ⊠that iâm a dyke.â you pause, let the hurt well up in you and breathe it out. âshe used that word, and it scared me.â
âwhat does that word make you feel now?â
âi⊠i love it? it still feels a little scary, maybe, but â i already know people look at me and donât think iâm straight, even when iâm not with ava. that used to be terrifying, because what if someone was unkind or even dangerous? but that ⊠it hasnât happened, and, if it did, i could handle it. i know i could.â
âso what would a haircut change, then?â
âif i â â you imagine it, then, you let yourself: how the collar of your favorite turtleneck sweater might look, how easy it would be to take care of after surfing, how you could put on mascara and linen and your favorite sunglasses and hold avaâs hand, just like always. âpeople would see me and know iâm a lesbian, i think. itâs⊠a choice, for me at least, to look queer. and a haircut is one i canât immediately change, like clothes. and weâre going to see my old friends soon, and i donât know what theyâd think, and â â
âyour friends have been accepting of you, and of ava, and of you and ava together, right?â
âyes, of course. but it would just be â i couldnât hide. everyone would know; everyone would be able to see, all the time. ava isnât read as queer all the time; i can pass as straight. but if i couldnât â â
when you donât continue, your therapist gently says, âyou would be seen. which is scary, and i hear what youâre saying, absolutely. but, beatrice, you would be seen for who you are, without apology.â
âthatâs true.â
âi have one more question.â
âokay.â
âwhat would happen if you loved it?â
/
âhow are you doing?â your stylist, xavi â one of your favorite people on the planet, one of your best friends who has been offering to give you a haircut you actually want for two years now â calmly combs out your long hair after sheâd washed it.
âi think i might throw up.â
it makes her laugh, which is maybe a little mean but also why youâre so fond of her; she had been one of the students in your adult beginners aikido class and, while she hadnât shown any talent or much interest, she had made you smile all the time and invited you and ava to dinner with her and her wife as soon as she found out you mentioned ava, and you had been friends ever since. most days, you just put your hair into a neat bun. ava likes to play with it down, especially when youâre sleeping in, but when you told her you wanted to cut it she had kissed you square on the mouth. âi love you, and i want to see,â sheâd told you again, and played with the engagement ring around your finger. âeven if it looks terrible â which isnât possible, because itâs you â thereâs no way iâm ever asking you to take this off. ever, ever, ever, bea. okay?â
xavi pats your shoulder; she had excitedly fit you in this morning after youâd texted her after therapy yesterday with pictures of a short, neat mid-fade to the skin, sitting in your car before you even drove home, afraid youâd lose your nerve if you didnât. âwe can just do a trim, or start with a little off, and you can decide how youâre feeling from there.â
itâs so patient and so kind. âno, no. i â iâm sure. iâm just scared.â itâs ridiculous, really, you think: youâve been shot and stabbed and blown up multiple times; you have killed more people than you can count; you have almost died, so, so many times. but this, this is living, true to who you are. âi â this is what i want. i know this is what i want.â
âokay then,â xavi says, and collects your hair, smooth and long, into a ponytail at the base of your skull. âready?â
âas iâll ever be.â
itâs fast and unceremonious, just a few sips as you close your eyes, but then you feel hair tickle your cheeks and you open your eyes and xavi hands you your long ponytail with a grin.
âoh my god.â
âokay,â she says, âwe can stop here? i can definitely make this work.â
âno, no,â you say, âitâs good.â you laugh. âi feel good.â
âyou want to keep going?â
âyeah,â you say, let out a breath you didnât even know you were holding, settled in a way, already, that you never have been before in your entire life. âletâs do it.â
âamazing,â xavi says. âthis is going to look so good.â
and, really, it does: xavi turns the clippers on and you let go of the swoop in your stomach, your clammy palms, the too-fast thud of your heart, and just let yourself become. xavi explains what sheâs doing each step, and she talks about the kittens sheâs fostering, and asks you about your new aikido class, and itâs easy.
she finishes; she places a hot towel on your neck and makes sure your hairline is clean in the back and then shows you how to put a little pomade in the top, an inch and a half long, textured and dark. she takes the cape off and you stand, look at yourself in the mirror: your favorite crewneck, and a pair of pants ava had surprised you with from artists and fleas, the thin chain with a tiny cross you donât take off sitting just below your collarbone. âi love it, xavi,â you say, your hands are shaking but when you bring them up to your hair thereâs a clarity in your chest thatâs never been there before:Â unbound, unburdened, you remember, and also:Â i felt finally myself.
/
youâre in and out of it after surgery; you know your injuries as ava told you and then the surgeon explained more completely. mostly, youâre just relieved youâre alive, because the moment before you hit the wall you were sure you werenât going to be. youâd asked mary a few hours ago, while ava was in the bathroom, to convince ava to take a walk and then eat an actual meal, not just pick at food while she sits by your bedside. it works: mary bullies ava into it, but sometimes, even now, thatâs just what you have to do.
you fall asleep again; youâve been walking more the past day, up and around with a walker a few times a day. between that and the pain medicine youâre still on, and the residuals from anesthesia, itâs impossible to not nap fairly often. when you wake up, lilith is kicked back in the chair by one side of your bed, her feet, boots still on, resting by your side on the blanket. mother superion sits next to her, doing a crossword in the daily paper. the sight makes you laugh a little, and youâre pleased that youâre a little less sore.
they both notice youâre awake; mother superion puts down her crossword but lilith doesnât move an inch. youâre thankful your surgeon had let you sit on the shower seat and let ava wash your hair earlier this morning, careful to not press hard against the bruise on the back of your skull or get any water on your incisions â you feel slightly less gross and definitely more awake than you had before.
she looks at you and you feel anxious, all of a sudden: lilith appraises you, and then slouches even further into your seat. âgay,â she decides on, and then, âaerodynamic.â
you look to mother superion for a moment, whose mouth twitches in a smile. âwe didnât have much chance to talk before the battle,â she says, âbut what lilith means is that your hair suits you.â
your brain is still sluggish, but â âbecause iâm⊠gay and aerodynamic?â
lilith, miraculously, laughs. âwell, sure, but it looks good.â she shrugs. âyou look like yourself.â
mother superion nods. âitâs good to see you becoming who you are.â
youâre definitely still loopy, overly emotional, but you might tear up from that even if you werenât. still, lilith rolls her eyes. âoh, come on, beatrice.â
âsorry,â you sniffle, then rub your eyes.
you hear avaâs, âyou made her cry? i was only gone for like, half an hour? what the fuck?â
âi said something nice,â lilith defends, getting to her feet.
âsure you did,â ava says. âi can still take you in a fight. iâll do it, swear to god.â
âyou definitely cannot take me in a fight, ava.â
ava stands, indignant, although itâs made less effective by the comfortable hoodie a little crooked on her shoulders and maryâs a whole head taller than her. the halo flares a little but quiets when you reach out a hand in her direction.
âoh, for fuckâs sake,â lilith says, and then in a flash sheâs gone. mother superion squeezes your hand before she heads out with a nod and another soft smile, and mary follows.
ava sits on the side of your bed. âwas lilith an asshole? i swear if she made you feel bad about anything i will kill her.â
âshe was actually, in her own way, kind. and mother superion was too. iâm just more emotional than usual because of the meds.â
âyouâre sure?â
you tug ava down a little and she messes with your hair with a soft smile, then kisses your forehead. âvery chivalrous of you, to offer to defend my honor, though.â
she laughs. âi donât want to fight lilith again, ever, in any realm, in any way.â she presses her mouth to yours. âbut, for you, bea, i would do anything.â
/
âyou look â â you let your brother fumble over his words for a moment and then laugh, spare him any more worry.
âhot is fine.â
he rolls his eyes. âyou look incredible, bea.â the suit lena had made you â navy, and light, a slim tuxedo pant, a single button jacket and a perfect, crisp white t-shirt tucked in neatly, sitting beneath â fits exactly how you want it. your hair has grown out, and it parts in the middle now, and flops â as ava loves to say â just above your eyes; the sides and back are still buzzed short, and it makes you smile, even now â your âprince charming eraâ according to ava. xavi had done your makeup: tinted moisturizer and a little bit of mascara.
âi do look incredible, huh?â
he smiles. âyeah. you really do.â he lint rolls your shoulders for the final time, more out of nerves than there having ever been lint in the first place. âwell, letâs do this then. letâs go get you married.â
he walks you down the aisle and then you wait in front of the altar you had made, barefoot on the beach, and when ava rounds the corner and then smiles at you, you know youâve given her a gift too:Â i want to see. i love you, and i want to see.
/
âthank god i married you,â ava says, tracing a line down your spine and then along the linework tattoo on your ribcage.
âmmmm,â you say, âi agree. but why, specifically.â
she bends down to laugh into your shoulder before kissing down your spine. âitâs fucking insane that you get hotter like, literally every day.â
you laugh too. âthank you, my wife.â
she squeezes your hips. âwow. my wife.â
you turn over beneath her and pull her down slowly to kiss you. the snow is falling outside but the fireplace at your room in a resort in the alps is beautiful, and everything is warm. you feel the halo hum beneath her hands and itâs easy, itâs so easy, to let ava roll her hips against yours and press you down into the mattress; itâs easy to put on boxers â black calvins, tight against your thighs â after you shower and stand in the mirror. your hands are calm, and itâs so easy, when you really look, to see who you are in your body. to belong only to yourself: there you are.
#wn#warrior nun fic#avatrice#avatrice fic#butch!beatrice#an ode to her bc i love her & i love being butch#if this isn't ur vibe... pls just move along thank u#avaâs favorite way of affirming bea is just being horny. a queen#this entire thing exists bc i had the first line & then lilith saying âgay. aerodynamicâ & i had to get from one to the other lmao
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AN UNEXPECTED GUEST - PART 4
Chapter 2 for Forbidden Love series. The Forbidden Love series follows a relationship between Rhea x Reader.
âą
The Reader has a strong friendship with Liv Morgan.
âą
Liv is in love with The Reader but hasnât told them.
âą
fem!reader - rhea x reader.
mentions of raquel x reader.
âą
@rheasbaee @riverscyberwife @you-got-me-star-lost-16 @innagnv @bittersweetastoria @chillinbri @call-me-a-simp @sithfar @rooskaya-yelena @half-of-a-gay @teenagedramaqueenlisa @gabrielleskyelar @hit-the-dirt-and-get-back-on @bl0w-m3 @l0v3e1i
âą
You pulled Rhea into your room so fast that the taller female collided harshly against your petite frameâ forcing a gust of air from your lungs. Your wrist flicking to close the door behind her, as both your arms wound around her waist in a tight embrace.
ââHi.â
Rhea laughed softly, her own arms winding around your torso as you nuzzled against her chest. You always felt so at peace when Rhea held you, the sweet scent of her perfume intoxicating.
âWhat did Liv want?â
You hadnât stopped worrying about why Liv had gone to Rheaâs room, trying to convince yourself that it was nothingâ that they were just hanging out, but you couldnât shake the fear.
âStraight to the point, huh?â
Rhea chortled, resting her chin down against your head.
âYou donât need to freak out, pretty girl.â
Unwrapping your arms from around Rheaâs waist, you lean back slightly within her hold to place your palms down against her chest. Your gaze meeting hers as a manicured brow arches.
âFreak out⊠Iâm not freaking out.â
The tone in your voice was clearly higher than usual, the speed of your heartbeat increasing as you kept your gaze fixed on Rhea, the warmth behind her features causing a soft smile to tug at her lips.
âRiiiight.â
She chortledâ her lips kissing softly against your forehead and her palms moving to cup around your jaw, she tilted your head back to press her lips against the cushion of your own in a quick peck.
âShe just wanted to apologize. For last month. Trust me, there is nothing to worry about.â
Rhea lied as her sapphire gaze sparkled down at you, a wave of emotions crashing on her like a ton of bricks. She kept her features warm and comforting, as she battled with herself in her subconscious. You have to tell her, she deserves to know the truth before you fall too deep. One side shouts, the other returning a rebuttal. Donât be ridiculous! You want her and you know you do. This isnât your fault. Liv was just too late.
- - - - - - - - - - -
âI call shot guuuuun.â
Liv shouted as she ran through the lobbyâ bag in hand, as you followed along behind her with Rhea and Raquel. A small laugh leaving the two females that walked either side of you, you shake your head slowly. Liv always seemed so happy, constantly full of energy. How she wasnât embarrassed about being so bubbly in public, you had no idea.
Sneaking a quick glance over at Rhea as you made your way to the car, you take note of her slightly sullen features. It was clear sheâd wanted to sit up front with you, but was taking the hit to avoid issues. Iâm sorry you mouthed, the two of you separating as your walked round the front of the car to the drivers side. Slotting her suitcase behind the back seats, Rhea hops over the door and drops down in the seat behind youâ her brows arching slightly as she spots everyone staring at her.
âWhat?â
She questioned, shifting her glance between each individual in front of her. Looking at Rhea dead on and then down at the door handle, Raquel pulled the door open as she looked back up in Rheaâs direction.
âThereâs no roof.â
Rhea stated, point a lone finger up towards the sky with a raised brow.
âWhy bother with the door?â
All four of you burst into laughter as Raquel drops down in her seat, your head shaking gently as you turn the key in the ignition and start up the car.
You enjoyed hanging out with the girls, being part of a group that just jelled well together. It wasnât often that you were all in the same place, usually only when larger fights were in the works. But it always gave you something to look forward too, seeing Liv was always funâ but seeing all of them was better.
WWE always made sure their champions were closely located to the arenaâ saved on travel time, so you didnât have to spend too long listening to Liv sing along with the radio out of key. You glance flitting up to meet Rheaâs in the rear view mirror, a warm smile capturing your features as you saw her watching you. Of course youâd much rather she was in the front with you, but challenging Liv over a shot gun was like challenging a child. You werenât going to win.
Taking a quick glance over in Livâs direction, youâre relieved to see her leaning against the door frame watching the world go by. Giving you the perfect timing to slip your palm between your seat and the door and back in Rheaâs direction, a soft smile claiming your features as you feel her fingers winding with yours.
It wasnât the smartest move for you to be showing Rhea any kind of attention with Liv in such close proximity, but you werenât going to let your trip go to waste. Youâd come to San Juan for her after all. But with Liv distracted you had to seize the opportunityâ little did you know you hadnât gone completely unnoticed. Raquelâs gaze catching your little interaction, the muscular female did her best to not react, her lips pressing into a tight line in order to suppress her smile.
âSo Y/N..â
Rhea states, leaning forward into the back of your seat to wrap her free arm around your chestâ attempting to hide your conjoined palms.
âYou gonna sit ring side this time? Itâs a much better view.â
You knew exactly what Rhea was doing, she wanted you to be ring side. She wanted you there for support, so she could have you there when she wonâ it had nothing to do with the view.
Removing your hold on Rheaâs palmâ in order to keep one hand on the wheel, you pat it down gently against her forearm a few times before shooting her and Raquel a look in the rear view mirror.
âOoooh no can do, Ripley. Iâve already made plans to watch backstage with Liv and Rocky. Right girls?â
You watch Rhea roll her eyes playfully, a glimmer of disappointment flashing in her crystal gaze as she releases a faux huff before leaning back into her seat. Sure she was pretending to be upset for Liv and Raquel, but you could tell it wasnât all fake. You just hoped she wasnât actually upset with you.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Zelina Vega was a spitfire, small and agileâ but when it came to down to standing face to face with Rhea Ripley, she didnât stand a chance.
Your slender legs rested in Livâs lap as you all sat with your gaze locked on the big screen, you waited patiently for Rheaâs match to start. Loud cheers for the smackdown womanâs champion rang in your ears as she made her way to the ringâ of course theyâd sent her in first.
âY/NâŠâ
You hadnât notice as Liv repeatedly tapped her palm against your shin, your gaze shifting from the tv to the bubbly blonde as she continued her motion.
âDid you hear me, I want some water.â
You raised your brow slightly, watching as she continued to tap against your leg.
âDo.. do you want me to get it?â
Liv chortled softly, pushing your legs off her lap before rising to her feet and spinning back to face you.
âNo I got it.â
Without another word Liv disappears from the back room, leaving you alone with Raquel.
You slowly turn your gaze over to where Raquel sat, a slight tingle of confusion washing over you as you find the fellow female staring at you. The corners of your lips twitch into a nervous smile before your tongue parts them to coat each with moisture. What was she looking at? Your brows furrowing and your nose crinkling, you canât help the small chortle that vibrates from your chest.
âWhy are you staring at me?â
Glancing around to make sure no one was watching you both, Raquel hoped up from her chair and hurried over to the couch where you sat confused. She was full of energyâ her features glowing with excitement as she dropped down on the couch beside you, her muscular arm swinging round your shoulder before giving it a gentle squeeze.
âSoâŠâ
So.. so what? Your brows remained arched as your confusion grew, your gaze flitting from Raquelâs hold on your shoulder and back up to her features a few time.
âThis should be a good match, donât you think? Zelina doesnât stand a chance against Rhea.â
You chewed nervously on your lower lip, glancing back towards the tv as the bell rang and the match began. You were always on edge when watching Rhea fightâ whether it be in person, or at home alone on your couch. What if she got hurt? Seriously hurt and it left her out of action. Rhea worked so hard to be where she was and the idea of her having to take a step back always worried you.
âYe.. yeah, sheâs got this.â
You were still confused as to why Raquel was so close to you, still holding on to your shoulder as she gently jabbed a singular finger into your ribs.
âYou care about her.â
Your eyes widen instantly as you snap your gaze away from the tv and round to lock with Raquelâs own chestnut hues. Shifting your entire frame over on the couch a few inches, your turn yourself inwards to face her head on. What did she mean by care? You cared for Liv, you cared for her. Did she mean you cared for Rhea in the same way?
âSheâs alright.â
Raquel dropped her features in a do I look like an idiot manors, a singular manicured brow arching slightly as she watched you begin to fidget with your fingers in your lap. A soft laugh of discomfort parting your lips as you tried your best to act natural.
Slowly placed one palm down over your hands, Raquel gave it a gentle squeeze of encouragement. You didnât need to be so timid with her, she understood what nerves felt like.
âI saw you guys in the car, on the way here. You were holding hands.
A lump formed in your throat as Raquel spoke, struggling to swallow it down as you tried to process what to say next. You could deny it. Say you had no idea what she was talking about. But what would be the point?
âPlease donât tell Liv.â
Your voice was quiet, the words leaving your lips in barely a whisper. You still hadnât had the time to talk with Rhea one on one about your relationship. Could you even call it that? Fooling around didnât always mean something and until youâd spoken with Rhea, you didnât want anything becoming public.
âI got you.â
Raquel chortled. Tapping her palm down against your knee, she gave your leg a little shake before returning her gaze towards the tv. The room was fairly silent as the small groups of wrestlers chat amongst themselves, some watching the match just like you as others prepared for their own.
You didnât know if Raquel could be trusted to keep your secret from Liv, but you believed she wouldnât betray you and thatâs all you needed to relax.
âSheâs pretty popular now, huh?.â
Raquel uttered, not too loud but loud enough for you to hear. The corners of your lips twitching into a coy smile as you kept your gaze fixated on Rhea through the screen. She had blown up around the world and you were so proud of how loved she was.
You hadnât been keeping tabs on the time that past, unaware of Livâs return to the room. She was like a ninja, always popping up in places without a sound. Water bottle in hand she paused in her tracks as you spoke, your words causing her to swallow harshly.
âSheâs⊠important. Incredible really.â
Sheâs important. The words that fell from your lips stung in Livâs chest, a red hot pinch piercing her heart like a knife. She couldnât breath, her delicate palm gripping tightly around the bottle of water in her hand. Sheâs important! Her subconscious screamed, causing the tiny blonde to stumble backwards a few steps.
Without a word, Liv backed up slowly. Rage boiling under her skin like fire, she bit down tightly on her lower lip as to stop herself from making a scene.
She couldnât believe what she was hearing, it couldnât be a coincidence.
You were in love with Rhea.
Betrayal
#rhea ripley#demi bennett#wwe#wwe womens wrestling#wwe smackdown#rhea#ripley#rhea x reader#fem!reader#raquel rodriguez#wwe backlash#backlash#puerto rico#san juan#wwe fanfiction#my writing#my fanfiction#herwwegirl#forbidden love series#forbidden love#an unexpected guest#liv#morgan
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Do you have more fxm romance to recommend? Even better if the guy is masculine I'm a sucked for gap moe
of course! and i hope i'm being right in assuming based on our talk that you would want both straight up femdom and more subdued dom f/sub m dynamics when you say fxm.
â
the first thing that comes to mind is my favorite manwha who deals with the topic of actual bdsm: moral sense (aka love and leashes) [MAL / AL / MU]:
A seemingly clean cut office worker keeps his BDSM sexual fantasies to himselfâuntil he discovers his co-worker a potential dominatrix? As they spend their time together, slowly understanding one another, the two end up having a rather unique master and servant relationship.
ji-hoo might not be the classic example of male lead masculinity we are used to seeing in manwha or manga, but for realistic korean standards, he's pretty much a dreamboat (definitely not in the pretty boy category). i would still say he's cute because i mean, he is a sub. but considering how tall and competent and charming in a every-day good-at-talking way, i'd say he's a prime example of the gap moe you're looking for.
â
going in a different direction, with a manwha that is way more subtle in the role rev/ersal-type of dynamic: agassiwa ureongchonggak (the lady and her butler) [MAL / AL / MU]
Lim Sooha is an independent woman who has it all: a busy career, a brand-new home, and an ever-growing pile of household chores. And the last thing she needs is a man to mess things up. But that all changes when one walks through her front doorâliterally! Homeless and desperate for a break, Taesoo begs Sooha to let him stay in exchange for keeping house. Tempted by the idea of coming home to a warm meal, clean sheets, and ironed clothes, Sooha agrees after Taesoo shows just how capable he really isâŠand claims to be gay. Could this be the perfect arrangement, or will Taesooâs lie and Soohaâs conflicted feelings make a bigger mess?
Taesoo is a big big softie in the muscled tall body of a guy with a sharp sullen face. he's somewhat of a gentle quiet giant, except his character is deeper than that (it's a good manwha!). sooha may be a bit too closed-off to be called a dominant type, but she's no shrinking violet in the relationship either (in portuguese we might say she's just a bit of a 'locked' person, physically speaking to illustrate a particular disposition). i still tagged it as 'role rev' because, especially with this premise, it's something pretty apparent in how they both conduct themselves in their arrangement and relationship. even though i don't tag this one as 'dom f', i'm pretty sure she's still kind of assertive in the relationship in the moments that count. and honestly, i think i read this one before started this blog and it was a bit hard to tag so many manga i had read throughout my life only going by my memory of them. upon a re-read she might very well be dom haha.
â
going back to manga where the girl straight up doms him, we have souiu koto nara, watashi ga. ("if that's the case, then i'll do it") [MAL / AL / MU].
Kana Nagase (28) is the daughter of the company president, and she works as an ordinary office lady at her father's company. She has been in a secret relationship with her boss, Haruhiko Shindo (40), but she was worried that he has yet to make a move on her. (the rest of this synopsis was pretty badly translated, so i'm not including it to confuse folks.)
i don't have that much to say about this one because it's pretty short, but i'm sure it's like what you're looking for. done by a great mangaka who also wrote a manga i have a lot of love for (mori no takuma-san) and one i've been meaning to read for ages! (usotsuki lily. fr i VOW to start this one before the end of the year!!)
â
not sure if you've seen around my blog already, but onnanoko ga daicha dame desu ka? (ladies on top) [MAL / AL / MU] is also a she straights up doms him manga.
Mizuki seems like an ordinary office ladyâtidy, cute, quiet, and looking for Mr. Rightâbut while she yearns for love, sheâs left cold by traditional romances where men take the lead. Then, at the age of 24, Mizuki discovers Shinomiya, a seemingly perfect guy at the office who likes aggressive women, and something awakens within her. Together, Mizuki and Shinomiya learn that reversing traditional gender roles can be both liberating and exciting, especially in bed!
i would say he is 'masc' only or mostly in a japanese man kind of way (not to stereotype, but they do have different standards). it's particularly hard for him at first to give in because he is seen as such a successful man very on top of things (ha).
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i haven't done any edits yet to showcase it, but you can trust me that uri jibe wae wanni (who invited you?) [MAL / AL / MU] perfectly fits into the idea of a dominant girl and submissive guy without even touching on anything close to femdom: it's ye usual korean romcom manwha. one that i really love đ«¶
Jade is told that her childhood friend from China is going to stay at her house. Yet, the grown man who arrives at her door is no longer the sweet boy from her distant memories, rather far from it. As she struggles to re-adjust to their new life together, will she rediscover her childhood crush or simply kick him to the curb?
unfortunately some people seem to have a disliking for the female lead in earlier chapters, but i was definitely not one of them. i love when the female lead is wilful maybe to a bit of a forceful, unwelcome (? more to the readers used to subservient always-nice women than the actual guy in question) degree; call it a flaw, i still love it haha i love the way she teases him in this playful but also borderline flirtatious degree and i love the way she thinks he is so cute. now, is he masc? liu yun is a bit more to the softer side (especially after his makeover. what a cute guy), but that gap moe you're after could easily be found here because he is still a closed-off serious person, but when jae gets under his skin there is nothing he can do hahaha i love it. honestly, they might be the couple i would want to get in a relationship with the most.
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another short one: waka danna wa, konzen koushou dekimasen. (pixie love) [AL / MU]
Masanari Yukimura is master of the hotel Yukitsubaki, which has been in business for 120 years. Being the only heir to the hotel, he needs a wife to start a family with, but there's a problem⊠he's so sensitive that the slightest tactile sensation gets him hard and coming. He's so afraid to scare girls away that he never gets very far with them. Meanwhile, the pixie who's been guardian of the hotel all these years decides she's the only one who can help him⊠by getting him used to touch!! A hot romcom with an uptight hotel master and a gorgeous-but-inexperienced pixie.
in terms of the sex scenes, i'm a huge fan of the way it starts: she really, really doms him and it's so satisfying to see this older proper guy be so undone by her hands. by the end, he's a bit more assertive during sex, but considering it was during particular scenes where he wanted to prove his feelings for her, i didn't really mind it, even though i missed the form of the early action. but he's still pretty vulnerable to his feelings for her and it's cute to see a man like him be in love so i thought i'd mention it.
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in ojou-sama ga mamorasete kurenai (my lady won't let me protect her) [MAL / AL / MU], a young lady is what people would call very competent and suave and princely and she's so good at being her own dashing superhero her bodyguard is vexed but also in love with her. read this a long while ago and wished the author would have done a bit more romance-wise, but i think it was still a nice read.
Ichika Kiryuin is the only daughter of a large corporation while Hayama Shuzuku was born into the Samurai family, that worked as bodyguards for generations and was taught to live only as a disposable shield. Hayama was ready to guard and protect Ichika, but as it turns out, Ichika, who has a strong physique, will be the one protecting him!
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i haven't been able to finish seishun no hekireki (a sudden incident in my youth) [MAL / AL / MU] but as far as i read, it's pretty much consistent that she is the dominant one in this relationship whether they are in their original bodies or body-swapped:
"If I'm not attracted to the things that most girls are attracted to⊠Is there something wrong with me?" Amane Shizuku has been worried about a possible sexual frigidity. She can fall in love with men, she's even dated some of them, but when things were about to go to the next level, her heart didn't throb at all. Due to this matter, she was about to give up on love, but when she meets the popular Kouki, her world changes⊠literally!!
he's a typical dashing high school cool guy, but she def shows him who's boss lmao
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if you're in the mood for straight up smut/borderline H (aimed at women), there is also agassiwa maid (lady & maid) [AL / MU]
An enormous fortune, a beautiful sprawling estate, and five adoring male maids⊠what more could a gal wish for? Yeon-Hwa Lee is living out every girl's fantasy when she suddenly inherits her grandfather's estate, including his five loyal servants. Bom and Yeong-Ho are so cute and adorable, Alexander is buff and sexy, while Won-Hu and Edward are elegant and cool. Their only desire is to service their mistress⊠and Yeon-Hwa simply can't resist.
yes, she fucks literally all of them as it's a harem manga, but it doesn't have any "final choice" as they're all her lovers. some of them are fem and some of them are masc and as said, this is just an ero manwha.
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now for another one of my absolute favs, takane to hana (takane & hana) [MAL / AL / MU]
Sixteen-year-old Hana Nonomura is forced to be the substitute for her older sister Yukari at a miai: a meeting between two people considering an arranged marriage. Hana's prospective suitor turns out to be the handsome heir of the wealthy Takaba company, Takane Saibara, who is 10 years her senior. He promptly shows disdain toward Hana and, in response, she tells him that she is equally unimpressed by his status and personality. Hana believes that her actions at the meeting should have put an end to the discussions about marriage with Takane. To her surprise, not only does the man want to proceed with negotiations but he also starts to show interest in her! This is just the beginning of a special relationship between two polar opposites!
this manga NEVER drops the ball. this tall rich and handsome business guy is an absolute sub and this tiny & funny high school girl is an absolute dom. both in a very comedic, but very present way. this man absolutely thrives under and loves hana's upper hand on him, even if he thinks like he wants to win (he is described by the author herself as an M who thinks he is an S). her absolute disdain at his immature quips and she way she puts him in his place was what sparked his interest in her. not in a virgin raise wa tanin ga ii kinda way, but in a chad takane to hana way hahaha it also never touches on actual dominance and submission but it still surprised me how hana at one point has a conundrum of the clash between being in a vulnerable state of being In Love but also maintaining her dominant position (because don't get me wrong, they both get off on it). and macacos me mordam, she actually DOES keep it. her way of accepting it and him into her life is still very Hana and i don't know how to look at what they have without it being through a dominant/submission and sometimes s/m lens.
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another shoujo i absolutely love (and is way, way shorter): beast master [MAL / AL / MU]
Leo Aoi looks like a crazy animal with wild eyes, and he goes berserk whenever he feels threatened and sees blood. That doesn't stop animal-lover Yuiko Kubozuka from befriending him, however. In fact, Yuiko is the only person Leo will listen to when he has one of his violent fitsâŠ
leo is pretty terrifying and violent when he goes berserk, but he is also a soft, nice boy who pretty much adopts yuiko as his 'master' (in an informal, unsaid way). she is a very chill girl and i love the way she shows him affection, even while they are still friends. while it's something not unlike friendships in my country, it's still kind of rare for japanese characters. it makes him absolutely besotted with her and devoted.
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you've already found this one, but it bears repeating that narita-kun wo semetai! (i want to be aggressive towards narita!) [MAL / AL / MU] has plenty of domf/subm moments between the leads (and narita is very much a cool high school boy in appearance)
Amane Fukatsu, a 2nd year high school girl, is an otaku whose hobby is posting her BL manga creations on social media. One day, she stumbles upon Narita-kun, a popular guy from another class, being attacked by a cat (?). Witnessing this scene of gap-moe, Amane is struck by inspiration�! A cool otaku girl takes the initiative to relentlessly pursue a popular guy! A new-age romantic comedy filled with laughter and heart-warming moments.
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in o! naui wangjanim (oh! my prince AKA oh! my pharaoh) [MAL / AL / MU] the domf/subm vibes are not completely visible in the beginning, but by the time the guy is head-over-heels, it's clear as day who's the dominant one in the relationship. (there are no good synopsis for this one so have two of them to piece together what this is about haha)
The prodigy who took the world by storm, resigned just after joining the school! Fluent in eight languages from a tender age and capable at everything, he passed the judicial examination while still attending high school, and was dubbed "the Genius of Geniuses." However, there was only one thing this genius did not possessâproper parenting. One day, he got hurdled into a gang fight with a group of rowdy students, and didn't manage to dodge a direct blow to the back of his head with a baseball bat and thus fainted. When he came to, he realized that he was, unexpectedly, in Egypt?! Ancient Egypt: to be able to reign in a world where women are nothing, she stole the identity of her brother, the prince. With such a lie, to reign or to love, it will be necessary to decide! When his tutor arrives in his life, the meeting is electric. He has a big advantage: he comes from the future and knows the whole history of the kingdom perfectly!
i'm also obsessed with the way she is a bit of a lo/li (not really, she's initially a teen) who looks like a sho/ta who looks like a lo/li. i love when girls look like very beautiful kind of feminine boys (and when boys look like beautiful girls of course haha but for girls it's a bit rarer).
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i know you probably have come across this one already, but i want to give a shout-out to sunjeongmalgo sunjong (act like you love me!) [ MAL / AL / MU]
25-year-old Ji-Eon is stressed, overworked, and penniless. When a mix-up at a temp job has her spending a day as famous actor Do-Yun Namâs personal assistant, she takes her anger out on a doll⊠which turns out to have the magical ability to control him at her every whim. Now itâs her turn to be the boss.
i actually wavered a bit on whether to tag jieon as 'dom f' or not. i think i did in the end because she is still very much in charge of the relationship at all points and even if she mostly sweeps him off his feet without realizing, i think she also has plenty of assertive moments. also, i swear to god.. (SPOILER)i literally said on a comment that it's bloody coward that the author hasn't shown them using the doll (who makes him do whatever she says) for sex yet and then LITERALLY A FEW CHAPTERS LATER they actually do use the doll for sex!! (though we can't see the scene, it's a romcom manga). jieon canonically sexually dominates doyun so like!!!(END SPOILER). but yeah even with this 'is jieon a dom-type?' wobble, rest assured. if there ever was a submissive guy, this one is it lmao. and he's the bratty mad-about-it type!
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this one i actually haven't read yet: gwiyeoun yasunim! (my cute beast) [MAL / AL / MU]
As the saying goes - never judge a book by its cover. Da-Im is a lovely elementary school teacher, as well as a savage who can rip anyone apart with the fiercest comebacks. On-Gyum is a florist with a heart of gold, who often gets misunderstood because of his intimidating looks. But as incompatible as they seem, their shared love of cats starts pulling the unlikely pair closer together⊠Here comes an upbeat romantic comedy between a sassy bunny and a sweet beast!
i always see this one around when looking for dom f/sub m/role reversal manga and i'm always on the brink of reading this but i always start something else lmaoo. i'll get to this soon!
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well this is what i have for now! hope i managed to rec something to your liking. thanks again for talking to me so much the other day. i fr don't really have anyone to talk about manga with, i'm kinda relying on you guys loll thank you for delivering once in a while đ
#sorry for the wait the last couple of days were a bit hectic in my personal life#messages#mypost#dom f#sub m#role rev#moral sense#agassiwa ureongchonggak#souiu koto nara watashi ga.#onnanoko ga daicha dame desu ka?#uri jibe wae wanni#waka danna wa konzen koushou dekimasen.#ojou sama ga mamorasete kurenai#seishun no hekireki#agassiwa maid#takane to hana#beast master#o! naui wangjanim#narita kun wo semetai#sujeongmalgo sunjong#gwiyeoun yasunim!
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My Favourite Line From Each Poem in My Gay Poetry Manuscript
this was harder than i thought, some are better than others, some are more poetic sounding than others, anyway there's like around 50 poems so this is a bit long
no longer hiding / no longer creeping around behind closed doors / no longer suppressing who i am / i love who i love / and that is enough
that one false confession proved to be a bad idea
The word Falls From their lips, Like an autumn leaf.
The final goodbye is covered in thorns.
The sourness of the final word Still lingers on your tongue As you pretend The same sullen taste Is lingering for them, too
twin arrows pierce our hearts / golden and radiant / joining us together / a moment of devotion to you
Digging their roots into my lungs.
i put on a smile / wave goodbye / shove the words deep into my chest / another day another time
Stars on her skin, Stars in her eyes, Stars everywhere
The type of love that means everything will be okay.
Surrounded by red and amber tulips.
You carry the stars with you everywhere.
Crumpled bloody flowers Adorn the photograph In pathetic beauty
i had my moon, he had his stars and weâd talk about our unrequited crushes
I am capable of love, And I donât need to prove it.
It was doomed from the start.
slow dance in the kitchen to the light of the refrigerator at 3 am
I want you to be mine.
Bruised lips crash together, Held in a rhythmic percussion.
You know who you are supposed to be.
we create a new sense of self / that sense of i / that sense of a whole person / that identity we have to develop with reference to ourselves
Red-stained petals Scatter around me in a Bouquet that I will never send.
another search for a missing puzzle piece
Sprinkles of kisses cover her shoulders as I praise her like the goddess she is
She called me one of her baby gays at a party, And I wasnât complaining.
And I wait for the beat And the realisation And the smile on her face.
Delve into the unexplored maze
Your hands cup my cheeks as you press your sugary lips to mine
she could not remember Anything but longing [this line is from my found poetry attempt using lines from sappho's fragments]
there are girls who walk in moonlight with starlight in their eyes and secrets to be kept
So, she picks a boy to satisfy the room.
In a phantom crown of yellow.
and when youâre belting songs at the top of your lungs / feeling the world move beneath your feet / feeling the fireworks exploding deep in your chest / clinging to your friends in the chilly december air
Or religiously watched the Call Me Maybe & California Girls music videos.
Dreaming of getting wasted on the blood of Christ.
The little girl who adored you and all the angels and saints Would be so disappointed in me for just walking away from you.
Iâll let my hands trace every inch of your skin, every dip and curve, while I leave trails of kisses along your neck
To be someone aligned between other lines
Itâs like Iâm sitting in the closet, The door is wide open But Iâm not yet allowed to leave.
Eighteen-year-old me cries when she realises we have friends.
gentle and soft with a girl i loveâŠ
The way a smile curves at her lips, And the fondness in her voice, As she spoke about gifts she would want: âFlowers.â
I love her in a way even I can't put into words
#lohst.txt#there are some poems i think i want to cut#and im writing some potential new poems to add in#i still think i need someone else to take a look at this collection#because staring at the poems isnt making any progress with it#anyway#here are some lines that i think are neat for one reason or another
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for the prompts:
As you know, I have not read the RepComm books, so I have no idea how cursed this is. I could have rolled again but I thought it was funnier this way.
Ship: Mereel/Atin
Words: freighter, root, biography
I guffawed when I saw this pairing. idk if Iâm going to be able to work those words into whatever their deal is but Iâm definitely writing Them because it is indeed cursed and funny. (spoiler alert i didnât manage it, i hope youâll forgive me shdjskf lol)
Kalâbuir has a new set of favorites, scrappy survivors cobbled together from the orphans of the clusterfuck bloodbath premiere of the war that was Geonosis. Three of them had already been in Sergeant Skirataâs commando cohort, so Mereel knows them vaguely.
One had not.
The Arcee Vau turned over to them calls himself Atin, a properly mando name, not to be confused with Mereelâs own brother Aâdenn. How does anyone confuse stubbornness with wrath, anyway?
Mereel knows better than to get invested in the lives of ordinary clones. Theyâre a chit a unit, these daysâmaybe two chits for a commando, value doubled when the quantity halved on day one. It doesnât matter; Mereel and his brothers werenât bought so cheaply, and he has higher things to concern himself with than interpersonal affairs.
Well, Ordo liked Qibbuâs rutian twiâlek barmaid, but instead of having the decency to like him back sheâs taken a fancy to âyou guessed itâ Atin. Scarred, sullen Atin seems tacitly pleased with her attentions, and Ordoâs not kicking up a fuss, just sulking, yet Mereel cares more about the whole thing than he can justify as being on Ordoâs behalf. Itâs not like the girlâs his type either.
Seems he hasnât been subtle enough in watching.
âSomething on my face?â Atin challenges him coolly, daring him to state the obvious. Heâs stern and unamused, and that just makes it more enticing to fuck with him.
âYeah, just a littleââMereel reaches up and scrubs his thumb over the corner of Atinâs mouth, unscarred sideââshit, maybe nerf-stew, you got there.â
People are watching them. Beneath his deliberately calm and neutral face, Atinâs eyes have a gleam like he wants to bite Mereelâs fingers off but is choosing not to resort to violence out of some misguided notion it makes him the bigger man.
Mereel smirks at him and scrapes his thumb clean with his teeth, sitting back. Attention lapses from them at the lack of escalation, but Mereel can tell itâs not the end of it, just the beginning. Atin has the expression of a man contemplating the manner of his retribution, and Mereel cannot wait to see how he does it.
No question if he will. Would any such atinâla verd ever take it lying down?
The anticipation will satisfy until his revenge is served. Delicious.
fellas is it gay to touch another manâs lips and then put your fingers in your mouth⊠đ€
(mereel just has to push all the buttons to see what they do. atin only looks nonreactive)
What Does This Do? đ https://archiveofourown.org/works/51600454
#writing prompt#cloneshipping#ask answered#repcomm#clones#mereel skirata#atin skirata#heâs adopted#the nulls incest kink hits again#sexy stepbrother lol#atin/mereel#fanfiction
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đđ«đźđ đđ„đźđ, đđđ§. i know what its like
â i'm tired of feeling like im fucking crazy. â
- lana del rey, ride
  "Reid." Hotch narrowed his eyes at him, "I apologize." Hotch continued.
"I don't." Spencer mumbled, just loud enough for Isabelle to hear, she bit her lip to stop a laugh from slipping out.
"We've heard those phrases before When we interview school shooters." Isabelle explained to the oblivious counselor.
Emily rushed into the room, "Jordan was the motive for Kyle Borden, it was revenge."
"I need to speak to the boys who made this video immediately."
"I'll check their class schedules." The counselor scrambled to his computer to find out, his face dropped immediately, "What is it?"
"None of them show up at school."
àšà§
The local police station smelled of finger printing ink and old coffee, Isabelle enjoyed the smell, it reminded her of when she was a detective for the nypd.
The team heard the familiar sound of Garcia urgently typing on her computer through the phone call, "He deleted everything but the one mpeg." She sighed.
"I'm walking Morgan through retrieving what he put in the trash, but-"
"We've got three missing kids, Garcia, we need access to Owen's E-Mail." Hotch clenched his jaw.
"The kid is tech savvy, sir, but fret not, I am tech savvier!" She exclaimed, "Is that a word? That sounds like a word, if it is a word, I am it!"
"Two alienated kids, no maternal presence, dysfunctional relationships with dominating fathers who with held love, they were made for each other." Rossi said.
Emily shook her head, "Mm, as lovers, yes, but partners in crime, no."
"There's nothing in Jordan's profile that indicates she's capable of violence, and certainly not murder."
"A new mpeg just posted to the school social networking site." Garcia breathed heavily, "He- you need to see this."
A video popped up on the screen, it was of three boys, all on their knees while their hands were on their head infront on a lake.
"It was a joke, man!" One of the boys said, "We didn't mean anything by it!" Another boy shouted, "It was 3 years ago, no one even remembers it." The last boy argued.
"I do." A voice behind the camera said.
"No, owen!" "Don't! Don't!" "Please! No-" The three boys pleaded, they were cut off by gunshots ringing out.
"Garcia, is there any way to trace the mpeg to the computer that sent it?"
àšà§
"Once you've heard the profile, you'll understand." Jj told the officers that were gathered around.
Hotch, Rossi, and Spencer went to the scene where the boys were killed and figured out Owen was collecting injustices- the perfect revenge.
"We are wasting time, Owen is here, and we should be knocking on doors." An officer argued.Â
"It's not a good idea." "And why is that?" "Because Owen's watching, he's monitoring the news, right now, he thinks you think he's gone, he feels safe."
"If we start knocking on doors, he's gonna know that he's not, he's gonna feel trapped."
"Why the hell should we care about this little bastard's feelings?" Another officer chimed in.
Isabelle gritted her teeth, "We're here to help you bring in Owen Savage with minimum loss of life, the profile tells us how to do that, if all you're gonna do is bitch and complain then you can leave." She scoffed.
Spencer smiled at her, "Owen Savage fits the profile of a type of school shooter known as an injustice collector, he's trying to avenge perceived wrongs."
"If he's a school shooter, why hasn't he hit the school yet?"
"Jordan. Most of these guys are so angry and hopeless, they just want to kill as many people as possible then commit suicide." Emily explained.
"But Jordan gives him a reason to live."
Isabelle glanced at Spencer 'He gives me a reason to live.' She thought.
Isabelle hated that in so twisted way she related to Owen- she almost felt bad for him in a way.
Growing up in a small town and constantly being the outsider- no matter how hard he tried to fit in and find the acceptance of his peers he never did.
"Otherwise he's a textbook case, his life was one torment after another, his teachers gave up on him, his classmates bullied him, and his father blamed him while giving him access to guns." Spencer said.
"Given these conditions, you're actually quite fortunate." He added.
"It sounds like you're saying these victims deserved this."
"We're not, nobody deserves this." Derek said.
"But you could have prevented it." Spencer lowered his eyes at the officer.
"Reid, can I talk to you?" Hotch said, it was framed as a question but was more of a statement.
The two walked into an empty conference room only a few moments later they exited, Spencer stormed to the exit of the precinct.
Isabelle walked over to Hotch, "He's going to the Savages' residence." Hotch whispered, his eyes still focused on Spencer.
"Can I go with him?" She asked, Hotch's eyes darted to her face, profiling her.
"It's just- his room was really interesting and insightful, his mirror was painted over indicating severe self hatred-" "You can go." Hotch cut her off.
Isabelle quickly ran to the parking lot, getting into the suv parked outside.
"What are you doing?" Spencer asked, "I'm going with you. Hotch said I could."
Spencer just nodded and started driving.
A few minutes into the drive he turned to Isabelle, "I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind." He admitted.
Isabelle immediately faced him, "I'm not." She lied, she wasn't just trying to convince him but herself as well.
Isabelle hated feeling crazy, when her feeling controlled her rather than her controlling them.
"I've seen the way you've been reacting this whole case." He looked to her.
"Isa, honey, I know you."
authors note!
sorry for the short chapter, next one will be longer trustđ€also i'm finally done with my school year so more consistent updates are afoot!
#jadeâs works âÂ·Ë àŒ *#gay sullen girl#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfiction#dr spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#mgg#matthew gray gubler#fbi#fbi agent#alexa demie#fanfic
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calm after the storm (marcia/spice)
i'm finally writing properly again, gay people with mental issues are so <3, and i cannot stop thinking about marcia they are very cute and wbk ilove spice so much, cheers to aubrey for giving me a fic title bc i lost my titling ways in the great war of 2023 (not posting for ages) they/them marcia, she/her spice, (luxx is there for like two seconds but they/she) ao3 link
Marciaâs head spun as they stood up to answer the soft knock at the door. Who was the poor soul about to interrupt their mental anguish?Â
Opening the door, Spice beamed back at them, her bright blue eyes such a contrast to Marciaâs sullen brown ones. Spice for all her friendliness was an absolute idiot to put it nicely, she cocked her head in confusion when Marcia didnât say anything, just staring at her as she stood in the doorway.Â
âUh, you okay?â Spiceâs eyes darted around, taking in the withdrawn Marcia in front of her. Though they were quite a bit taller, they seemed to have shrunk, shoulders caved inwards as their head hung downwards, as if making eye contact with her was the worst possible thing to do at that moment. âFine.â Short, cold. Two words that rarely describe the blondeâs tone. They were all but begging to be left alone, for Spice not to pry and go off somewhere and forget about the state she had seen them in. âYou donât look it.â
So much tact, Marcia bit back the snide remark, being rude wouldnât help this. They just wanted to be alone. âThanks.â It came out forced, their voice cracking slightly, shoulders hunching in more when Spice leant into their personal space to look more carefully. âHave you been crying?â âLuxx isnât here, thereâs no point hanging around.â Deflecting, Marcia shrugged, about to slink back to their bed before Spice spoke up again. âDonât ignore me, have you been crying?âÂ
They stayed silent, sitting back on their bed with the door still wide open. Spice took a step inside, closing it quietly behind her before slowly walking to hover by Marciaâs side. âCan I touch you?â They only nodded, chest tight just at the thought of having to verbalise anything. Spice sat down next to them, wrapping her arms around their shoulders and pulling them into a tight squeeze, her grip loosened after a second, though refused to leave. Marcia tensed up at the contact at first, though relaxed into it when Spiceâs hand wandered to gently stroke their hair. âI know that look, that feeling. It hurts and you donât wanna talk about it cause that makes it more real, right?â A muffled hum of agreement came out of the blonde, burrowing their way into Spiceâs shoulder as she kept her grip on them.Â
âSometimes i get like that after class, everyone always knows what theyâre talking about and sometimes it feels like whenever i breathe everyoneâs attention is on me cause iâm the dumb one.â Marcia hummed again, leaning their head into Spiceâs hand as she continued to talk.Â
âIt sucks but I get it, I promise Iâm not like them.â âI thought you were only nice to me cause I'm friends with Luxx.â Marcia finally spoke, the tightness of their chest receding as Spice continued, like she was talking to an old friend and not a friend of a friend who sheâd never been alone with. âNo? Youâre nice! Of course I'd be nice back. I canât be mean to pretty- uh- well youâre not a girl are you? Are you just Marcia? I know thatâs what Luxx says, sheâs just Luxx. Or are you a girl but not a girl, some people are like that-â Spiceâs rambles got interrupted by a quiet interjection from Marcia âYou can call me a girl if itâs easier.â âBut do you want that?â â....no.â It took a lot out of them to say that, mulling over what they really did want. Sure the word girl getting used for them made their insides crawl and twist into a knot but they didnât want to be a bother. âSo what would you rather?â âI guess a person? Iâm just a person. Just Marcia.â âOkay, I could never be rude to a pretty Marciaâ
âYouâre silly.â Marcia muttered, finally moving to look at Spice, taking in the soft smile on her face, the way her expression seemed so genuinely caring, the way she continued to squeeze them at any sign of distress. âI try.â She giggled, Marcia realised theyâd never spoken for this long before, they never made her laugh before. Luxxâs obsession with Spice was becoming a lot more understandable the longer they talked. âI think youâre pretty too. Youâve got a kind heart under all that silliness.â Spiceâs face shifted, her eyes widening as her pale complexion gave way to turning a similar shade as Marcia when they spent too long in the sun. Her eyes darted down, smiling nervously in a way that made her ever cuter.Â
 âDo you want to talk about whatâs bothering you?â Marcia hesitated, though the comfort they felt when next to spice broke down that barrier, the anxiety of letting their innermost worries be known. âI just, I think iâm too much. Like when I correct people. I know how I look, that I donât say much when people use the wrong words. Or that I talk too much and Iâm annoying. Or why canât I know what people mean all the time, why does every conversation leave this nagging feeling that Iâve done something wrong even when someoneâs made it clear I havenât. I donât know whatâs wrong with me, what did I do to feel like this?â Marcia blinked, letting all their feelings tumble out without a second thought before processing and instantly turning into a river of apologies. âYou didn't ask for all that you were just being nice Iâm sorry-â âDonât be. I asked. I wanted to know.â âOkay, Iâm s-â âNo. No youâre not. No being sorry for being sorry.â Spice interrupted a second time, her tone pointed enough to be serious but not enough for Marcia to think they did something wrong. âOkay Iâm not sorry?â They hesitated, snickering slightly at how it sounded. âExactly! Now youâre getting it!â There was the gleeful grin she always wore, Spiceâs hands finally moved from Marciaâs shoulders, one travelling to wrap around their waist while the other came to squeeze their hand.
âIf anyone ever makes you feel like that, just remember youâre not the only one. Youâre not broken, weâre just different.â âI wish we werenât. I wish I could be normal.â âI do too sometimes, but other times Iâm glad to be the way I am. Other people are so boring, where is their passion? Their creativity? Plus it makes you hotter to be a bit silly. âYou know that well?â âOf course, Iâm the silliest, hottest girl in the city.â âI wish I had your confidence.â âTruthfully I just fake it, Iâm nowhere near as confident when Sugar isnât around. Sheâs the smarter one, Iâm just the silly one who makes people laugh.â âI donât think so, I think youâre great in your own ways. You can recognise feelings in people without them saying anything.â âI guess so, I donât know why we donât talk more, youâre cool Marshie!â Any calmness in their body quickly vanished as another knock came at the door, their whole body tensing with a nervous tremble. Spiceâs eyes narrowed, squeezing their hand before making her way to the door.Â
âItâs okay, I'll handle it.â Luxx stared back, raising an eyebrow at the nervous looking Marcia and Spice staring back at them.Â
âShould I come back later?â Spice glanced back to Marcia, shrugging as they looked confused, then overwhelmed as the chatter from the hall came through the open door.
âIâm gonna say yeah, I don't think theyâre doing good enough for more companies right now.â âFair, Iâm gonna go bother Mistress, bitch stole my straightener and hasnât given it back.â âOoh, tell her I said hi.â Luxx left after that, leaving Spice to silently pull the door shut and lock it once more, scooping the nervous Marcia back into her arms and letting them cry it out. Muffled sobs soaked through her shirt, though Spice chose not to say anything, holding them gently while their body shook with another pained whimper. The tears slowed after a while, though their head never left its place burrowed against her shoulder.Â
âItâs okay. Iâm here. No oneâs getting through me. I wonât let anyone see you like this. I promise.â âThank you.â Marcia weakly mumbled, tightening their grip on Spice when her body shifted ever so slightly. As if any sudden movement could pull the one comfort they had in that moment away.Â
It didn't occur to either of them that this was the closest they had ever been, that some unknown tension had lifted the second Marcia opened up and Spice joined them. It was too much to think about in the moment, but Spice felt something change, her heart sunk at every cry the blonde let out and fluttered when they flashed a small smile whenever sheâd try and lighten the mood with a bad pun.Â
âSo, if I wanted to call you cute again, could I call you aww-cia?â âYouâre so dumb.â âNo, Iâm Spice.âÂ
Marcia rolled their eyes at that, though the fond smile on their lips dissolved any malice it could have had. Spice continued chattering every thought that came into her head to fill the silence, occasionally joined by the taller blonde though they preferred to sit and listen, feeling calmer the more she went on and on. Even if she jumped between topics every 30 seconds, there was something comforting about hearing Spiceâs rambles.
âAnd then I asked if she was a porch or a bike person and-â Spice trailed off, curiously noting the lack of any real response from Marcia before she noticed their eyes having shut, still leant against her chest, their own body gently rising and falling with calm breaths.Â
Spice smiled to herself as she leant back to stretch out, allowing Marcia to stay in her arms as she did so. How did she never notice how cute they were before that day. Being close to them like this, she could get used to it.Â
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Undertale Chara Headcanos
CHARA DREEMUR
*Gay and asexual. (He/They)
*He is older than Frisk and Asriel and smaller than Kris.
*He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and neurological disease.
*When he is angry, he cannot control himself at all, he cannot control himself in the same way in a different way.
*He can use magic and his magic is illusion (zikadraws from tumblr)
*He can put himself at risk with illusion and use it to surprise his enemy. While he doesn't realize that the illusion is real, he makes the finishing blow with his knife.
*He went up the mountain to commit suicide.
*You can meet Asriel and other monsters, make friends with them, and use them to help them. He found peace with help.
*He hated a bad family and values, the evil, selfishness and stupidity of humanity, and was filled with revenge.
*Actually, albino.
*He has red eyes from birth, so he was declared "devil" in the village where he grew up.
*They environment saw him as a man because he behaved masculinely, but his fulfillment of these was interrupted by the fact that he did not belong to any gender. She was also subjected to hate and bullying because she was attracted to men. No one accepted him as he was. Until he meets Asriel, who will be his half-brother.
*He has a very dramatic and unfortunate sense of humor. He loves puns, dark humor, scaring people, and elaborate jokes.
*Half Greek and half German.
*He has a German accent (reddit @Dragon_X627279)
*Addicted to everything sharp. And Toriel's snail pies.
*His hobbies are knitting, eating chocolate, collecting weapons and reading books.
*When something bothers him, he becomes sullen and doesn't say anything.
*He likes to do make-up, especially when he catches Asriel and forces him to do make-up.
*He is flirty with men, so many men thought she was a girl. He just flirts FOR FUN, as much as a CHILD can flirt.
*Apart from the Dreemur family, his favorite monsters are Gaster and Sans. He loves looking at their work. He is also a fan of Gerson.
*Gaster taught him sign language, he always talked to him in sign language.
*He also learned the Wingdings alphabet, but only used it for important matters.
*The main reason he learned the Wingdings alphabet was to read the secret research notes written by Gaster and Sans.
*Caught by Gaster while reading his research notes in the middle of the night. He thought he would be very angry, but Gaster patted his head and showed him the real experiments.
*He was surprised when he and Frisk met Gaster again. He was especially disappointed with the scars on his face and how they disappeared so quickly.
*Thanks to Sans, his inner nerd came out, he enjoys listening to their scientific nonsense. They are both great students.
*There were times when he and Sans would fight for fun, neither of them could beat the other, but when they got to the point of killing each other, they would stop and do tear-inducing victory dances.
*Like Toriel, she constantly laughs at Sans' jokes.
*When he met Sans, he was very excited, lively, energetic and curious, at first he had a hard time keeping up with him, but later it was Asriel who had a hard time keeping up with the two of them.
*When he met Frisk and Sans, he was very happy that his sense of humor had not changed, but he was sad that his old energetic and lively self was replaced by a lazy Sans, and he hated that his friend's life energy was depleted. .
*Gerson taught him various martial arts.
*When Chara used these defensive arts to attack and intimidate, Gerson hit her with a stick.
*As a result, Chara tried to scare him like crazy with an illusion, but Gerson wasn't afraid at all.
*Chara must be the person who admires Gerson the most after Undyne.
*Gerson's encounter with Frisk disappointed him for the third time. He was no longer a hero... So he declared Undyne as his new admirable figure.
*Chara is a very smart child, she has an advanced intelligence for her age and that's why she is so crazy.
*He likes to talk to his spirit knife, he believes it talks to them too. He only showed it to Asriel. Asriel saw this as a game and liked to talk with the knife. Chara was telling them what the knife said.
* He belittles poor and weak people. At first she judged Asriel for being weak and tried to make him tougher but then she accepted that he was just cute.
*He can stand on his own two feet, is very self-confident and can sometimes be a bully. *He is not a very good person. He is not thoughtful or kind, tends to be rude and indifferent, has annoying and dangerous habits, and is generally a "freak" but is always himself. Nobody changed it, it won't change for nobody and nobody will change it
*After his death, his soul was corrupted and he became "the actor's name". Whatever the "player's name" was, it was.
If there is a character you want headcanon, write it!
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This is gonna start off as kinda goofy silly but bear with me but the thing abt Togami and Mukuro is that in my mind the way the friend groups split up during the lost two nondespair years is that Junko can basically get along w/ anyone bc thatâs her secret sauce ïżŒso while she makes it her business to drift in an out of any social circle in my heart I do think her home base is converging with the other gay bitches whose personality is generally having disdain for the other gay bitches and setting themselves apart because of it i.e. Celeste and Togami. They are the fag, the goth girl, and the Cookie Monster pj girl walking the mile in PE.
Naturally Mukuro tags along passively and quietly w Junko where ever she goes & Togami is happy to ignore her at first and generally dismiss her as Junkoâs weird sullen sister. & yes canonically Mukuroâs alienation from her classmates is part of why she feels driven to sink the cost and stay loyal to her sister despite her trepidation toward The Plan, but also like.
In the funnier version of events in my head I do think Togami and Mukuro could form a silent tenuous allyship because theyâre literally just always around each other, in a way of being extremely tight lipped and privately grateful thereâs at least one person here not trying to impose on my business or try to get me to be vulnerable. This guy gets the vision. Best friend I ever had.
The thing is that theyâre a neat dichotomy because her trauma tanked her self esteem and view of her own personhood and his gave him a god complex and she and Junko struggled w poverty in their childhood while he is a billionaire heir and hence you would think they would not work as friends but once we and they realize thatâs an awful nice dichotomy you got there, its like. It would be a shame if something were to lie outside of it.
And the thing that lies outside of it is that they were the weaker dog (âmake two dogs fight, punish the weaker dogâ) & have tried desperately to do something to overcome that. He sort of did, or at least he thinks he overcome being the weaker dog bc he âwonâ meanwhile whatever Mukuro has not stopped seeing herself as the weaker dog, no matter what she did to escape or distinguish herself didnât matter in the end bc sheâs still following orders. The thing abt them is that what lies outside the dichotomy is that theyâre sunkest in the sunk cost fallacy. I invested the most, I endured the most, and it cost me the most and therefore I am special. He canât opt out of this system of being pit against other dogs & she canât turn against her sister bc he could be the top inheritor in a system of exploitation or be the person being exploited and she is about to aid in the end of the world or be ended along with everyone else. Which side do you want to be on? Theres a banquet and anyone who is not at the table in on the menu. Idk I just relate to that Goya painting of Saturn devouring his children for some reason.
There is something oddly sweet abt DR:S in which she in disguise badgers him into throwing a party at his private beach inviting all their classmates. & when he tries to back out of it in his typical way (fine you can throw a party but I would never go because I have better things to do obviously bc Iâm just sooo busy and important) she insists he has to be there too. Sheâd never be so vocal and bold but in her attempt to perform Junko who is vocal and bold and unabashed abt what she wants she is forced to reveal now what SHE wants. He caves so easily, too. Itâs technically not canon but itâs so revealing. What if we were all just friends hanging out on a beach. No fame no obligations no end of the world. This is the life I long for.
#shut up janelle#this is somewhat adjacent to my joke post abt Hiro and mukuro being proxy siblings#mukuro ikusaba#byakuya togami#theyâre like: what if we were known for lying and barely knew ourselves#ikugami#I will single-handedly fill this tag I swear
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How about some info about fankid relationships we dont see much? Like Gyo and the Amari twins please?
Ooh fun! Well again, a thing to keep in mind is that Guillaume is like, four years older than the twins, but since he was the Oldest Boy on the Watchpoint they did follow him around, and because they were, like everyone else, younger than him, he wasn't super fond of being followed around by 'babies.' They did grow on him, though. They were useful for basically distracting Rei from following him around because she would take it on herself to boss them around because she was slightly older than them, but also they would embarrass him in front of Annie because it was clear nothing ruffled his feathers faster and that was funny to them. So your basic young kid dynamics, with things kind of balancing out as they got older and Rei just ended up hanging out with Annie more. Guillaume did end up getting closer to Samir than he thought he would because they're both on similar wavelengths of being kind of reserved, serious kids, though Guillaume was definitely entering a more sullen phase when he left for boarding school.
Actually during Gyo's last year in boarding school Samir had been asking about the boarding school for years (Because even if Annie and Rei were frequently decrying it as a 'school for rich jerks' he saw a lot of mystery and romance in all the pamphlets). Samir finally convinced both his moms and Gyo's parents (and the Boarding school staff) to let him shadow Gyo at the school. And Gyo was finally coming out of his awkward phase at this point, so basically just imagine teenage, vampire prince, Baby John Wick-looking Guillaume being trailed around by this sober, staring, skinny little brown boy for a week. A lot of people asked him if Samir was his sidekick, and Samir was convinced that Guillaume's big, spooky, super-old school was full of mysteries to be solved and he was always either annoyingly right at Guillaume's side and asking his friends a lot of embarrassing questions, or wandering off getting into god-knows what kind of trouble. Guillaume had to retrieve Samir from the undercroft, from the attic, from the groundskeeper's equipment shed, from the girl's dorm (which he ended up in by complete accident), from a dumbwaiter shaft, and from an actual secret passage in the walls ("Samir, get out of the walls! You're freaking people out!"). The school staff told Satya and Pharah in no uncertain terms that Samir was not Académie du Sainte Alchoin material and both Satya and Pharah were like "oh noooo he had his heart set on it. :( :( :(" (there was no way in fuck they could have afforded actually sending Samir there anyway).
And now you're asking, "But Nite, why was there a secret passage in the school?" And the answer is "The passage was constructed by the school's founder, Etienne Beaufoy, pretty much exclusively to accommodate for secret gay sex trysts with Guillaume's ancestor, Sylvain Guillard." The passage was used by servants, spies, and assassins over the years before the estate was eventually turned into a school, but the original purpose was, as it turns out is the case with a surprising number of secret passages, gay sex. Guillaume was able to solve the mystery himself shortly before returning home to the Watchpoint, and he was like "Oh yeah, spies and assassins were definitely using that passage" to Samir, not mentioning the original purpose of the passage. The passage later got offhandedly mentioned while Widowmaker was in the room and she went, "Oh, Sylvain's passage is still there?." And Samir's like "What do you mean Sylvain's passage?"
Basically as a team dynamic when Gyo's finally on the team, though, he gets along pretty well with the twins. He's also warmed up significantly to Rajeev, who's always trying to get him to crack a smile, with dumb jokes during missions. Gyo and Rajeev are also definitely gym buddies, with Rajeev miraculously managing to convince Gyo to take a stupid amount of flexing photos. Rajeev's also not above ribbing him in front of Annie--old habits die hard like that--but it's more endearing now.
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Ahh also as an addendum to my previous ask about the age swap (which I mightâve accidentally labeled as the body swap fic due to the foibles of being awake unexpectedly early ), I was curious what your criticisms are regarding Robin and Willâs treatments by the Duffers? I know youâve alluded to being bothered by both but Iâd be curious to hear more ( if you have the time/hankering!)
Hooboy. Okay. Buckle in.Â
Obviously this is going to be a combination of actual literary analysis and Big Feelings That I Have, so like, please donât take this as any kind of moral dictum on what to or not to watch, or how to or how not to interpret what you watch. Also, a lot of what makes me uneasy and unhappy about how canon deliberately handles queerness (as opposed to when it does queer things apparently by accident, which as you may have noticed, I have considerable amounts of fun with) has to do with behind-the-scenes context Iâve read about, so thereâs a certain degree of Telephone involved. And Iâm still only halfway through season four. Thereâs just so fucking much of it.Â
With all that said.Â
The behind-the-scenes context Iâm most specifically concerned with are the season-one pitch bible(? I think thatâs what itâs called) (which, it should be noted, ended up diverging in some quite significant ways from what ended up in the show) where the Duffers first raised the possibility that Will might be gay, and the anecdote that Joe Keery and Maya Hawke were the ones who decided Robin should be queer and had to really push for it and wrote and choreographed that scene in the bathroom. Put the two together, and it tells you that the Duffers planned that there would be One (potentially) Gay Character in their show.Â
And that character was the one they spent an entire season directing violent, vicious, eventually outright murderous homophobic hatred at through the mouthpiece of a couple of bullies. You can say what you want about revenge narratives and those characters ultimately getting their comeuppance, but for Me Personally, it sucks all the fun and escapism out of season one to watch it thinking that those bullies only got punished when they aimed that vitriol at someone to whom it didnât literally apply. Also I still have to sit through however many episodes of that vicious homophobia onscreen regardless, so, like, thatâs a walk in the park anyway. /sarcasmÂ
And then thereâs that whole bad business in season three, where itâs never been quite clear to me if weâre supposed to see Mike as having been in any way in the wrong. Kind of scuppers the argument, to me, that weïżœïżœre supposed to be on Willâs side. And season four, which so far has had Will tagging along after people who are supposed to be his best friends but mostly donât seem to give a single damn about him, doing absolutely nothing but looking morose and sullen and tragic and *coughcough* Artistic, and causing Problems for the nice straight couple.Â
(Tangential to the point Iâm coming to, but also, my son deserves better than to be reduced to a soggy cardboard standee with âGAYâ scrawled across it in magic marker the way season four seems to be angling toward. All the Byers, but especially the Byers boys, deserve better than season four seems interested in giving them. But I digress.)Â
Also. I love Robin. If you follow me, you probably know that. Iâm a hardcore, ride-or-die Robin girl. But. With Robin, from what Iâve heard of the context, the Duffers never intended for her to be queer. They wrote a girl who was smart and funny and sharp and talented and a little bit mean and a little bit insecure and a little bit weird but in an interesting, endearing way - as a love interest for Steve.Â
And then, as soon as season four rolled around, once theyâd been pushed into making her canonically, on-screen queer (in a beautiful, tender, heartfelt, true-feeling scene that they didnât fucking write), suddenly sheâs had a complete personality transplant. Suddenly, sheâs an awkward, bumbling, annoying loser whoâs only funny when sheâs the butt of the joke, whoâs no good at anything and who nobody really likes except maybe for Steve, an outcast even amongst the freaks. When she does do something smart or competent, everyone around her reacts with shock, like itâs wildly out of character instead of how her character was originally written. One of these versions of Robin was written with âgay personâ in mind, and it unfortunately wasnât the one we were obviously supposed to like.Â
In both cases, I get the feeling that the storytelling issues stem from this like...assumption that queerness equals isolation and misery and tragedy, and that thereâs nothing to queerness outside of that. That thereâs something inherent to queerness, something pitiable but repulsive, that causes the isolation and misery and tragedy (not that those things are imposed from outside, by, say, violent homophobia). That it would be absurd to imagine that queerness could ever be joyful, or playful, or that someone might ever, given the chance to choose, not choose to be straight instead. Or that there could be enormous friendship and community and heart and pride in queerness, or even that queer people might find friendship and community and strength in each other. Or even fucking talk to each other, ever.Â
Which is especially infuriating, because the whole central theme of season one (besides surface appearances being deceiving) is that community and care between people who are very different but discover they have more in common than there is that separates them is what saves the day! That love comes in all kinds of forms, and theyâre all important, and that love can be stronger than fear!Â
But apparently, according to the Duffers, queer love doesnât count and queer community doesnât exist. Itâs just isolation, misery, and tragedy, and I guess we the watchers are supposed to sit outside of it and pity Them for it (and be quietly, sneakily, a little bit nastily grateful that itâs not happening to Us). Because of course nobody watching the show is queer. Of course. This show is made for normal people.Â
Itâs part of the same attitude Iâve also seen play out with the Duffersâ inability to just let a white dude be bad. Oh, they want to talk a big game about how theyâre on the side of the freaks, and bullies are bad, and everybody should be respected and appreciated for who they are. But when it cuts down to the bone, when applying that precept to a girl or a person of colour or a queer person makes a straight white guy come off as a monster, they keep trying to dodge it.Â
The more antagonists they try desperately to rehab without ever acknowledging why they were antagonists in the first place, the more it starts to look like they simply donât really believe that the people those antagonists hurt really matter. That, somewhere deep down where the assumptions that are so baked in you donât even realise theyâre assumptions live, they donât really believe that girls, or Black kids, or queer people are as fundamentally human and deserving of respect and compassion as their beloved awful straight white men are. That what they really think about bullies is that bullies are bad because the bullies picked on them, instead of the kinds of people who deserved it.
(See also: that time a twelve- or thirteen-year-old Sadie Sink didnât want to have to do a kiss in the Snow Ball scene, so the Duffers, who had just been joking about having her do it, actually made her do it. For multiple takes. Specifically because she didnât want to. And then later related that anecdote to the press. Because they thought it was funny.)
Anyway. Personally, Iâd prefer canon just never say anything definitive on the matter of Willâs sexuality and stop trying to push the narrative in that direction, so I donât have to watch the Duffers spectacularly fumble yet another attempt at Writing About Marginalised Groups.Â
(Also, this is absolutely not me saying Watch A Different Show - Iâm here writing fanfic for this stupid show, itâd be pretty fucking rich of me to try to tell people to stop watching it. But Iâd really love for many of its fans to get some more exposure to less-mainstream, more deliberately queer literature and film, so yâall can see what it really feels like to be seen and acknowledged and loved by a story, on purpose. I get it! I do! I too have wanted very badly to feel like something I loved, loved me back.Â
But you donât have to content yourselves with scraps. And you definitely donât have to be so concerned with those scraps that you blame your friends, cousins, siblings, brothers in arms for âstealingâ some kind of ârepresentationâ from you by asking to be seen and acknowledged and loved as well. The bastards whoâve been withholding that recognition from all of us would love nothing more than to watch with amusement, gorging themselves on a banquet, while we tear each other apart over a couple of discarded bones. Donât give them the satisfaction. We donât have to be isolated, pitiable, pathetic, miserable tragedies. Put the hollow promises of exclusionism and respectability down. There is queer art and literature and film and community and joy and love in abundance that you donât have to beg anyone for, and you are invited to participate. This is me inviting you to participate.Â
And cordially inviting the Duffers to meet me in the woods behind the 7-Eleven.)
...
tl;dr the way the Duffers treat queerness when they do it on purpose feels like a combination of othering, contempt, and misery porn, and I hate it. And that, in a nutshell, is the rant Iâve been sitting on for the last two-and-a-bit years. Iâm getting down off the cafeteria table now.Â
#chatter#stranger things#i have been first uneasy and then very fucking angry about all of this for Quite A While Now#but robin's personality transplant broke open the fucking dam#it's worse because they did such! a good job! with seasons one and two!#obviously Not Perfect but also painfully obviously Better Than This#and then I guess they'd made enough money for netflix that they stopped having creative reins and restrictions placed on them#and it all went to shit#just total anne rice/stephen king editor syndrome#anyway I won't be following anything they do after this bc i'm pretty sure I like the show in spite of its creators instead of because of th#*them#they also aren't applying season one's theme of appearances being deceiving when it comes to queer people!#they keep saying every shitty shallow queer stereotype is true!#(the tragic gay martyr#slash the obsessive possessive friend-borderline-stalker)#(the unfuckable lesbian)#(the predatory gay villain - I didn't talk about closeting and s2 Billy Hargrove bc hoo boy that's a can of worms#but I do think they took that angle with him on purpose#especially since his 'redemption arc' goes hand in hand with suddenly switching his focus from steve to karen#and he stands to gain nothing by manipulating karen in s3 so it's pretty obviously a cheap dodge#so the duffers can go 'what? no he wasn't sneeringly derogatory toward teenage girls bc he was so deep in the closet he could see narnia'#'nooooooooo he just...only likes ~mature women~'#which. yes boys jennifer coolidge was hot in american pie but please grow up.)#anyway yes that loss of sight of that central theme is exactly how we got the russians in season three#and we all know how much that fucking sucked#i do hope having the word 'fuck' in the tags still hides a post from search
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izzy gimme a rankin of your five favorite unjust depths gals. also which character you would most want to be friends with if you also lived in an undersea world populated with monsters and such. thankyou have a good day <3
okay top five gals ujhhhh okay.
5. sonya shalikova. honestly i really adored her from her very introduction and with more and more time focused on her i just grow fonder. she's really great. i am extremely drawn to the sullen types. and her hyper-competent showing off sort of thing she did in like one of the very first mech battles just had my little heart in her grasp. she's lonely and doesn't like people!! wow!! a woman after my own heart. and now. she has to deal with the cutest cuttlefish in the world. who might have a little crush on her. and who she might have had a sex dream about on the first night of them bunking together. i love them.
4. gertrude lichtenberg. #gertrudeswag.
3. victoria van veka. i am just super biased, in truth she hasn't had THAT much screentime to really shine as a character for the part of the story i'm at but i popped off so hard for her in The Day and i really like her relationship with carmilla. it's very sweet. psyhic catgirl who has gay sex winning forever. just don't die.
2. hunter iii. this one's such a gimme. she is basically only in the second place spot because i need to be original i can't steal your blorbo. she's so fucking awesome though. go shark girl go!!! it was so fucked up when she busted down the door in Pursuers in the Deep and the first thing she did in her fucked up fish form is start shooting bullets from her tail. you have posted about her one million times and never have i heard a word about the thing where she can eat metal to temporarily become a Gun.
this is such a hard spot to give away buuuuuuuut i think for now it goes to ulyana korabiskaya... she's got fucking everything. it's crazy to not have norn on this list even. or majida. i'm just realizing. there's STIFF competition!!! anyway ulyana has so much swag. i know she's got the disco elysium skills swimming around in her brain. i think when she was on call with the captain of the mysterious dreadnought class ship chasing them and was like "i'm going to flirt with this woman, for the sake of mind games" and it worked,,, i think that was just so beautiful.
and if i had to be friends with any of them. i think khadija would be really cool and easy to talk to. i think she would have a lot of really interesting things to say. she'd be a really awesome work buddy. or alternatively like. maryam, ASSUMING SHE WAS NOT USING PSIONICS TO MAKE ME LIKE HER !!! VERY IMPORTANT QUALIFIER THERE !! my other answer is if ingrid was like, a normal person, and not in love with gertrude lichtenberg - so like basically take her out of her station and away from her her horrible toxic situationship - i would fucking rock with her so hard. she needs to be turned into a commie first. but. she's got swag.
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