#gabriel: machine. Turn Back Now

[fernsensei]

what if we'd make v2/gabriel a thing. what would happen then

[ps1demodisk]

Hey so here's V1 smoking a syringe like it's a blunt except I drew v1 entirely from memory and it's 8am and I am pulling an all-nighter to fix my sleep schedule

[79zz]

"Behold, the power of an angel!"

[yernemm]

am I doing this right?

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

There's a whole bit about Satan and Sitri not knowing what a dildo is, and whether or not they call it something else in canon I like to imagine that they actually don't have toys in hell and they think it's just a silly human thing, cause if you want pleasure you could just ask for it, who cares.

Cue Ppyong coming back from earth with MC's hitachi wand in his little bag and MC getting evil thoughts.

The demon decides to humor them. Sure, whatever, you can use that little machine on them. They have a little pride about it, joking or not, mentioning how it won't compare to actually touching him, but go ahead, he's curious.

Maybe twenty minutes later and he's trembling, holding on to you like you're a lifeline as you use it on him. You tell him that this is the low setting and they whine.

Ah, this was meant to be a request, but it's kinda long now. If you understand where I'm going then can I ask for something like this to be written for Satan, Lucifer, and Gabriel but for the replaced god au, if you want? If you do decide to write for Gabriel you can make that a separate post if you need to.

I really love this!! (And spoilers but Mc summons dildos infront of Mammon, Satan, Sitri, Marbas, and Foras. None of them know what they were!

So like, I know there ARE sex toys in hell, but they don’t seem to have as many as humans! So that leaves so many thoughts!!

They’d be so sensitive to the vibrations at first…(I have a pastel blue/green one I’m using as reference;) )

-

Satan

Cw: overstim,

Satan lazily watched you prepare the hitachi wand, he was confused as to why you were lubing his dick, shouldn’t you prepare the toy to go inside him? “(M/c)? What does that thing do?” Satan asked in a bored tone.

“It vibrates.”

You turn it on, it’s the lowest setting but the toy is fully charged, so it’s quite strong against Satan’s unprepared manhood. He jumps and hisses as his body adjust to the sensation. You can see him lose focus for a few seconds before he grabs the bed sheets and claws into them. You grin and press it against the tip of his cock, Satan howls, thighs snapping shut around your waist.

“F-fuck! T-that’s strong…” Satan hissed out, trying to regain composure but unable to do so. He’s panting, his heart is racing and he’s positively dripping pre in response to the toy. He moans and rolls his hips forwards, his eyes blurring as he does so.

“Yeah, it’s used as a ‘personal massager’ for humans to get off on their own, or use on their partner like this.” You say calmly, slowly, intentionally pausing to draw out his torture. You were taking your time overstimulating him, it was fun!

“W-well if this is the strongest setting, t-then I have nothing to worry about!” Satan laughs out. Even as he’s clearly blushing, embarrassed and being overstimulated, he’s trying to act like he’s holding his own.

“Oh this is the lowest setting!” You laugh out. Lightly flicking the wand up one more setting. Satan whimper and grabbed your hand, the toy was vibrating so hard he couldn’t even keep his hand still, though he doesn’t tell you to stop.

“W-wait you can’t turn it up like that! He whines, nearly screaming as you press the wand down on his sensitive tip. His hips tremble and you can see the muscles in his stomach convulsing, you have to hold his cock still as it pulsates. He cums in your hands fast. Too bad for him you don’t stop, as his bliss wears off and the overstimulation kicks in, it nearly hurts to feel the wand vibrating in his cock.

Lucifer

Cw: overstim,

Lucifer didn’t think this through, he for some reason thought he could…tone it out? Lucifer upon seeing the wand was bored and laid down, acting like he’s rather sleep than entertain the toy. When you mentioned its intense he dared you to put it on the highest setting.

He thought he was being smart.

Too bad you two have the same brain cell.

As soon as you turned it on, he’s hissing, trying to wiggle away from the toy. His cock actually a quite a bit of pre out almost instantly. He moans and you can see the shock on his face, his eyes black, his iris no longer visible.

“T-turn it down!” He hisses, he’s confused when you don’t do anything, he tries to growl but you press the wand down on the tip of his cock, turning his growl into a whimper. “Turn it down-now!”

You laugh and press the lower button to turn it ‘down’. But nothing happens.

You mean forward and whisper into his ear, he can barely hear you over the buzzing of the wand and his heart racing.

“Lucifer. This IS the lowest setting…”

Lucifer whimpers in frustration and disbelief. This is a joke, you can’t be serious…but he hears the toy clicking, letting him know you’re not lying. He tries to ignore it, but he can almost feel himself going numb from the vibrations and he knows he can’t last long. He trembles and watches the toy, his cock is practically drooling out his seed…it’s pitiful…

Gabriel (Replaced god Au)

Cw: overstim

Gabriel was trembling, the toy wasn’t even on, you haven’t even done much more than stroke him until he was hard. When you place the wand to the tip of his cock, he whimpers.

You flick the toy on, as soon as it turns on he cums. You don’t turn it off, even as his orgasm fades he’s trembling with the toy on. He feels like he can’t stop cuming!

It hurts, but feels so good, he can’t believe…his Lord, His Master is giving him such amazing pleasure! He doesn’t know what he did to deserve it, but…he’s not sure he can handle it!

“P-please my Lord!!” Gabriel whimpers out, he’s desperately holding onto you, he’s kissing your neck, trembling and crying as his all six of his wings spasm behind him, flapping unevenly and nod nearly strong enough to lift either of you up.

“Shhhh….it’s ok.” You shush him. “I’m going to turn it to the next level, ok? This is the first level, there’s six more to go, ok?”

Gabriel trembles and hides his face. “I-I don’t know if can handle all of t-them!” He whimpers out. He hugs you like he’ll fall all the way to Hell if he lets go. “I-I’ll do anything for you…”

He bites his lip trying to ensure the vibrations. It hurts….but it feels amazing! He has to do this! He has to prove to you he can do this! H-he owes you everything!

-

[magiturge]

an analysis of gabriel - ultrakill

there's a lot of things about this guy i just want to talk about. let's start in an almost consecutive order of information we learn about him.

ACT I. - INFINITE HYPERDEATH 1-4 clair de lune - mansion owner's diary and stained glass art

these are the first references / appearances of gabriel in game.

the mansion owner's diary refers to him as a friend, showing that despite being an angel, gabriel had the time and the forgiveness to grant sinners / husks some form of kindness. while it can be interpreted as this particular husks devotion to being faithful to angels in general with how they hold back from plunging deeper into hell, they constantly and mainly refer to gabriel.

the other interpretation could be that when the husk is referring to gabriel, they could be using the stained glass art of him as worship and there is the possibility that gabriel has not actually interacted with them in person, however later bits of information lean more on gabriel having actually met them in person. the lust renaissance and minos

as we come up on lust, the next bit of lore that we are met with is the story of the death of king minos.

from here, we learn that gabriel has killed minos and is the reason why there is a gigantic shambling corpse looking for sinners in the lust layer. we also learn that gabriel is not just any angel but the one that embodies or represents the will of god. in the name of god's will, he is willing to kill what we later learn is a beloved ruler who granted the sinners in lust a more forgiving place to spend eternity. in p-1, we are met with the flesh prison that ensnares minos' soul, created in an effort to prevent it from forming into a prime soul. a segment of his monologue from when he is released from the flesh prison : "O Gabriel... now dawns thy reckoning, and thy gore shall glisten before the temples of man!" it's quite clear from that that minos no longer remains a pacifist when it comes to taking revenge on the angel who pulled everything out from under him. now, to minos prime's terminal entry. it gives more context onto the overall lore of ultrakill itself but does contain information that is important later on. pictures of the terminal entries will come from the wiki page due to the in game terminal entries not fitting into one screen.

we learn that god has disappeared and due to this has thrown heaven into a panicked frenzy. this is important given that gabriel is an angel and how the disappearance of what would be described as his leader or figurehead to follow would do to him.

in the disappearance of god, a council has taken control of heaven and in the event of this, they have seen that minos has freed sinners from the punishment they were meant to serve. gabriel is sent to strike down minos and murdered him without listening to what minos had to say. we see just how deep rooted gabriel's faith in god is and how he answers to the council. he has killed a beloved ruler without mercy and from the text written from the perspective of a lust resident, he believes what he is doing is just.

3-2 in the flesh we now actually meet gabriel in the flesh after everything we have learned so far. as v1 leaves the first room, gabriel speaks. "Machine... turn back, now. The layers of this palace are not for your kind. Turn back, or you will be crossing the will of God." while he sounds as prideful as an angel would be, with a holier than thou tone of voice, the context of what he is saying is important combined with how he actually views v1 at this point. gabriel is warning v1 to go no further and to turn back while it still has the chance which is quite odd in the grand scheme of his actions. "a mere object." "an imperfection to be cleansed." not. even. mortal." "you are less than nothing." these are a portion of taunts that quite clearly display how he feels about v1, a machine. v1 is simply an object to him, plunging deeper into hell. in addition to this, hakita in the developer commentary stream states : "Gabriel is like, as soon as a machine gets too far downwards, he will like interrupt them and kill them. So to him, you are just one of like a hundred or thousand of whatever machines that he's encountered and tried to stop." despite this, gabriel grants the mercy of warning v1, giving them a chance to go back as they shouldn't be down here. it's a curious thing about gabriel, isn't it? up to this point, we know of gabriel striking down a beloved king but here he is merciful enough to warn what he sees as something that is not even mortal, a mere object. and seeing that v1 at this moment is nothing more than another machine to him, would it be odd to assume he had warned other like this as well? while not immediately important to this analysis, the eye in the arena focuses on gabriel. hakita in the developer commentary stream states that : "The eyes normally follow you, like they look at you when you're walking around but in this arena it's actually looking at Gabriel because he's the real point of interest."

this is more something that will be important to the lore regarding hell itself rather than gabriel himself, given it would be reasonable for hell to be more interested in a supreme angel than you, another machine.

moving on, we have gabriel's overall presentation and impression on us. he presents himself as holy, righteous, better than you. he at this point is unlikeable, we only know the sour side of him. when he loses to v1, he is bewildered by his loss, unable to believe he had just lost to what he sees as just an object. he's clearly angry with v1 and possibly, himself. before we go over the end of ACT I's story segment, we will go over what else we have learned from gabriel provided by the first terminal entry we recieve of him.

from here we learn his proper status up in heaven, a respected and feared archangel. he has a reputation of completing tasks quickly and that he is beloved among other angels moreso than the council.

it's also put that he has popular for his "radiant personality and active nature" which depending one what you prefer, could either be how he presents himself to you in 3-2 or different demeanor we have yet to see.

i’m inclined to believe the latter and we will get to that later, so keep that in mind.

we also learn that gabriel is a hardworker, a devoted angel to god that completes what is asked of him. this can be used as reference to how he has slain king minos prior as it seemed to be more of a task to complete rather than a personal attack fueled by his own emotions.

he’s a hard worker that did not question what was asked of himas long as he had it in his mind that his actions were to benefit someone he cared about, be it the people of heaven or god.

the strategy tips that the terminal tells us that gabriel is an angel with a great deal of pride stating that his pride is what “stops him from attacking while taunting his opponent”. on top of this, his pride not only prevented him from attacking during taunts but from also using splendor is justice and justice is splendor in this fight as well. this is, again, important for later since how his behavior in 3-2 differs vastly from his behavior in ACT II. closing in on this segment, we end with gabriel's disbelief at his loss. "What? How can this be? Bested by this.. this thing? You insignificant FUCK! This is not over!" with the use of profanity, gabriel's front as a divine angel falls apart. his composure is lost and he is utterly confused, perfectly portrayed by his voice actor gianni matragano. everything that he has believed has been shattered here, as hakita explains in the developer commentary stream that a machine besting an angel is something that should be impossible. an angel being beaten by a human is absurd but for a child of mankind to best an angel is like that of an ant beating a human in a fight. it just does not make sense to gabriel and unfortunately, his account of his loss does not serve a stable argument to the holy council. ACT I. - INTERMISSION ( the ending cutscene is linked here as it is incredibly long. ) remember that gabriel is on of the brightest angels in heaven if not the brightest angel who works quickly, efficiently and is a beloved angel among the others? that status does not protect him here. we open in on gabriel being looked at with resentment by the council, speaking amongst one another on what to do with him. gabriel is listening to their bitter words, that sting being something that would cause more pain to ones not as strong as him. it continues in describing how gabriel believes that it is also impossible for a mere object to best him, he believes that he knows this as true. and it is not. so he rises to make an argument for himself, stating that he would never stray from the will of the father but a machine has bested him in battle. in this moment, i believe it is gabriel's attempt to warn the council that these "mere objects" are something not to take lightly. but they don't listen to him. now there is a very important line here that is often overlooked and in the video i have linked referring to this line is different which is most likely why it is overlooked or misinterpreted. "your failure will not be tolerated" was changed to "your treachery will not be tolerated." as seen here :

the council cannot grasp that an angel could have lost to a machine. so instead, they have concluded that gabriel has betrayed them and purposefully let it go further down. throughout this interaction between gabriel and the council, he is spoken over, not given a chance to properly explain himself or the situation at hand. his pleas were not heard and he is seen as a traitor, now to die within 24 hours with the time quickly dissolving. what could the severing of his holy light, the title of a traitor hanging over his head and the potential fear that the machines that were supposed to be beneath him do to his mental state at this point of the story? well, that is where this comes in.. ACT II. - IMPERFECT HATRED to recap what i've run through, we know that : • gabriel is one of heaven's brightest angels, a hard worker that is well loved and also feared by many as well as being quite skilled in combat. • he has killed the former judge of hell, a beloved king who believed that eternal torment for loving one another was too cruel a punishment, as ordered by the council. • at the moment, he's on a clock, the holy light having been severed from his body and he is seething with a supposed hatred to rid of you and to prove himself faithful to god.

4-1 slaves to power now this part comes from the terminal entry of the virtue that is first introduced in this level.

we learn about how lesser angels form as well as more information on how heaven itself works with a social hierarchy. we also learn how they relate in terms of being another angelic being in hell, next to gabriel. their role is to put the sinners who are not acting out their punishment in their place "in order to not waste gabriel's time with minor offences and fluctuations." so gabriel's role in hell generally does not include small offences like this, he works on a grander scale which we will see a bit later. 4-2 god damn the sun another terminal entry from a mini-boss introduced in this level, the sisyphean insurrectionist.

another act of pushing against heaven's control is met with death, a contrast to minos's pacifist approach. gabriel has killed another king in hell, king sisyphus as well as a fleet of other angels to aid him in this war. the details of gabriel and the angels actions show the brutality in their force, the response that rebellion is met with. it seems that gabriel was made responsible for these two deaths which implies that prior to being judge of hell, he had some role that was somewhat related to it since he's the one higher angel that is sent down for these tasks. i also have a creeping feeling that gabriel has had a larger presence in hell as well given there are murals of him seen in.. 4-3 a shot in the dark and 4-4 clair de soleil

these murals are a bit of a curious thing to explain since we don't have an exact time frame of when they were created or who created them. the first instance of them is seen in 4-3 a shot in the dark where it is smeared with blood painted in the word "traitor". it implies that at some point in the past, gabriel was much more tolerant or even a friendlier figure that had turned on them, be it during the war or sometime prior.

the next instance would be in 4-4 clair de soleil in which the two other murals are hidden within the tomb of sisyphus's corpse. perhaps they were erected as a show of power by the angels given their placement here next to his body. or it could simply be a curious room for the sawblade update, however i don't believe that that is all it is. some time in hell's history, gabriel was a friend yet he soon became a traitor. 5-2 waves of the starless sea now here is where we see what exactly gabriel values and is often where people's opinions on gabriel change a bit as we see more of his nature outside of bloodshed and arrogant behavior. the ferrymen we find the ferryman's cabin, empty save for the filth that spawns in alongside the idol present on the second floor. the ferryman's diary is found on the desk.

here is an excerpt from the ferryman's diary, the full passage found here as it is too long to be fit into a single picture. the diary details a time in which one of the ferrymen was going to sink deep under the waves of the now ocean styx as mankinds ultimate death led to the river overflowing.

yet instead of falling victim to the waves, this particular ferryman is saved by gabriel, who comforts them as they are ushered to safety. "Be not afraid, sinner. Your devotion to God shows goodness in you; plentiful indeed. The heart is willing but the body must rest, lest you squander one of the Lord's creations."

gabriel tells the ferryman that he recognizes their faith and devotion to god, seeing that despite their forms as husks in hell they are good people. he cares about the ferrymen's efforts to gain passage into heaven and does not let them sink deep into the ocean where that goodness will be wasted. he does not want for them to work themselves to death, to allow the hopelessness of hell to consume them. he doesn't want that. gabriel became a symbol of hope and light to the ferrymen. a statue of him can be found within the level as well. he continues to be their light as evident by the ending words of the ferryman's diary. in addition to this is the ferryman's theme, he is the light in my darkness which is coupled with artwork of gabriel and the ferryman drawn by francisxie.

another bit of information that pertains to gabriel is a segment from the ferryman's terminal data, where it is stated that gabriel is the only one who cares about their efforts.

what gabriel values is seen very clearly : he seeks those who truly care about god and those who are working to improve themselves to be granted passage into heaven. more evidence supports this with the introduction of.. the idols idols are actually demons that were carved into a form that can be mistaken as divine by those who don't know any better. their terminal entry states that having been in close proximity to the ferryman's holy cloth has allowed for the holy power within it to seep into them, allowing the chain of compassion to continue.

an important bit of information introduced here is that the only angel of heaven's higher order that watches over hell is gabriel. if the council were to find out about the existence of idols and what the ferrymen have done to them, they would be ordered to be destroyed. it implies that gabriel can see that the idols are not actually peversions of the divine form but can see that they are actually tributes to him and the angels that the ferrymen are devoted to. there is a stark difference in the way gabriel behaves when ordered by the council and when acting on his own judgement and accord. he really cares about the intentions of those he gives the time of day to pay attention to when it is his choice. in the instances of most of gabriel's crimes, it is an order from the council that he acts on. 5-3 ship of fools there isn't quite a lot of lore pertaining to gabriel here other than showing just how important gabriel is to the ferrymen with a statue of him seen inside of the ship, a hologram of him warm words playing on loop and a portrait of him seen in one of the first rooms of this level.

he is clearly incredibly important to them with these tributes to him found across the ferry.

5-4 leviathan here we find an instance of gabriel striking down the heart of the leviathan as the souls attempt to escape its body.

this is an act he chooses to do or an act ordered by the council where i feel it is one where gabriel is doing what he believes his role as the judge of hell asks of him.

we don't know what would have resulted in the souls being let free but judging based on what we know of him now, i assume that this act was done as a means to prevent the souls from being let free and so that they serve their punishment accordingly.

6-1 cry for the weeper we are met again with gabriel speaking to us.

"Machine, I know you're here. I can smell the insolent stench of your bloodstained hands. I await you down below. . . COME TO ME"

it doesn't take me explaining for it to be apparent that gabriel is furious.

he fully expects for v1 to plunge down deeper and to cross paths with him once again. he is waiting and he is livid. 6-2 aesthetics of hate

i'm pulling out all the stops and you're about to see why. the final level in ACT II in which we finally fight gabriel once again, but before that, we are met with gabriel speaking to both himself and to you. "Limbo. Lust. All gone. . . With Gluttony soon to follow. Your kind know nothing but hunger. Purged all life on the upper layers. And yet they remain unsatiated. . . As do you. You've taken everything from me, machine. And now all that remains is PERFECT, HATRED." we learn of what has been happening to hell itself as both v1 and other machines devastate what of it remains. gabriel tells us that we have taken everything from him, that the only thing he has left is the boiling anger and hate that he holds for us. to watch everything he's worked for crumble at the loss against a machine has left him in such a tense, angry and anguished state.

the presentation for this fight is beautifully done, perfectly encompassing the atmosphere needed to capture the tidal wave of emotions that are about to break through. this is gabriel's only attempt at redeeming himself in the eyes of the council, to prove himself not a traitor and that he has always been faithful to the father's will. "Machine, I will cut you down. Break you apart. Splay the gore of your profane form across the stars. I will grind you down until the very sparks cry for mercy. My hands shall RELISH ending you. HERE. AND. NOW." and so the dam breaks. gabriel has said what he swears to do to you, the venom in his words clear as day. an immediate difference in this fight is the use of his twin swords splendor is justice and justice is splendor as well as an immediate enraged state.

something of note is the use of those swords as it's stated here that pride stopped him from using them in the previous fight but things have become more personal. this is not the only time he has unsheathed his swords as he has used them in the war against sisyphus. an excerpt from sisyphus prime's terminal entry states : "He unsheathed his swords for the first time since time immemorial and beheaded Sisyphus, displaying his head for all to see." keep that in mind for later, it's important.

his movements are quicker and he hits much harder, the track the death of god's will playing as the fight continues.

in the first phase where he's enraged, his anger is palpable in his taunts : • you need. more. power! • is this what i lost to? • you're getting rusty machine! • i'll show you divine justice!

just to name a few. he's egging you on, to fight him. perhaps, in a way he doesn't want you to go easy on him, to purposefully let him win as it would be more than insulting. the arena is like that of the rest of heresy, dark murky and bathed in a red fog with water (or blood) filling the main part of it. that changes upon his phase change along with his behavior as well. "IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT!?"

this is something that is sometimes passed over since people are mostly focused on either dealing damage to gabriel, focused on where he is or staying away from him as they're unsure what to do. the lights of the arena are influenced by his phase change and his emotions. no longer is it bathed in red but in the beautiful blue and gold that represent his ecstasy and joy of struggle. his own brilliant light illuminating the arena. it could be said that gabriel's rage is the reason why heresy is a crimson red however i don't believe that's the case. i believe that gabriel's own light in this moment is so bright, so radiant that it's enough to light up the fight and overpower the dense crimson fog of heresy. his wings also change to match the gold and blue, as shown here to be labeled as ecstasy. in phase 2, gabriel is having fun, he's enjoying the struggle of a fight in which victory does not come to him so easily and it can be heard in the taunts that he switches to in this fight : • show me what you were made for! • come on machine, fight me like an animal! • come get some blood! • i'll show you true splendor! again, just to name a few. alongside some of these taunts, gabriel laughs. curiously, there is an unused taunt in which gabriel states "So this is what you see in bloodshed." you'll notice i boldened "i'll show you divine justice!" and "i'll show you true splendor!" call it a stretch but i feel like the specification on justice and splendor with each one being used for the phase 1 and phase 2 respectively is like the duality of his emotions and who he is, much like his twin swords. at first he seeks justice for himself and what he has lost to v1 but further in the fight, he relishes in the struggle of meeting someone that is equal to him if not better. the behavioral differences in his fighting are like that of his fight in 3-2 in the flesh in which he will mix up his attacks with a teleport in between. i interpret gabriel becoming more difficult in phase 2 is due to him truly enjoying himself, with a more clear mind that isn't filled to the brim with anger that has boiled over. he's having fun, he's struggling and he loves it. finally, we come to the end of the fight in which gabriel exclaims to himself ..

"Twice? Beaten by an object.. twice! I've only known the taste of victory, but this taste... Is- Is this my blood? Haha- I've never known such... such... relief? I-I need some time to think.. . We will meet again, machine." it's an interesting bit of dialogue, subverting most people's expectations. instead of gabriel descending into further madness, a spiral of emotions consuming him, this defeat gives him pause.

he's relieved at the sight of his own blood. why is that? there's a multitude of answers to this but i believe the reason why he's relieved at the sight of his own blood is that it's like a weight off of his shoulders, his conscious. angels bleed. the righteous hand of the father bleeds. his status as a supreme angel does not prevent him from being put in harms way and his blood is just about the same as any other being. whatever he is does not make him special. he bleeds just like anyone else and no status could ever protect him from that, only himself. his words here are also curious. while his previous defeat speech is filled with anger and confusion vowing that this battle is not over, in this speech gabriel states that they will meet again. it's less of a threat, a vow for revenge and more like coming back to v1 to speak with them further despite how one-sided this conversation may be. there's also a very apparent difference in the way that gabriel says "May your woes be many and your days few." the first one is threatening much like his defeat speech but this one? it's lighter, lower, less angry. he even chuckles slightly as he says it, possibly finding that the phrase is ridiculous to say when looking at the position that he's in. afterall, he doesn't even have a day left and perhaps even less than that should v1 finish him off before the holy light vanishes. just like that, he vanishes in a pillar of light.

his terminal data that comes with this encounter explains all of this clearly, he found something he wanted to do for himself. free will for an angel. ACT II. - INTERMISSION.

we're almost at the end. the ending cutscene opens to gabriel having teleported away to what we can assume is the first layer of heaven, the moon, as he gazes into a fire alone with his thoughts and revelations. the text that fills the screen describing gabriel's thoughts are filled with confusion, introspection and guilt. he realizes that his actions were not something that was always just, always right, finding that he not only embodied a holy figure to follow but also the cruelty that his actions left in his wake. his two defeats has turned his world view upside down, leaving him to try and piece together everything he believed he knew only to find that it never made sense to begin with.

gabriel realizes that the council he answers to masquerades god's name, intentionally or not, having their supposed fellow angels in a vice grip of fear. the angels still do what they believe is what god wants of them but they have not accepted that he has long since gone. believing is not enough, and he knows this now. this is a choice he makes with his own new found free will and he chose to do something drastic.

slaughtering the council, the group of angels that have brought a facade of stability to heaven. "The last councilor, now backed up to a wall, scrambles for words between panicked breaths as death approaches with measured steps." gabriel is calm, confident in his decision with contrasts with the behavior of the councilor that writhes in fear of his fate. he knows what he is doing as its a decision he made his own.

he speaks clearly, shutting down the argument that the last councilor has to offer. ". ..Our status forbids it! . .. We are the supreme authority, our law commands you!" interesting is it? that the council pleads with their status, their only "protection" of their life when gabriel's place as the will of god did not protect him at all, only his supposed prior betrayal representing who he was. and so he tells it to them, that their words hold no power over him. he has realized that the council dances around the father's name as a means to keep power and control over the other angels, their only defense in the face of danger is their fragile words. and so gabriel states that he will show his fellow angels that there is nothing to be afraid of for the council's reign will no longer hang over them. he says it flatly, that god is dead. the last thing that this councilor has to say to plead for his life is that he is the only way for gabriel to reconnect with the holy light, ultimately preventing him from dying. and all gabriel has to say, is that "i know." it's an interesting choice he's made since he ultimately could have forced the councilor to reconnect him, saving his life and then kill him. he could have taken that chance to rebuild heaven into a more peaceful place for the angels, afterall he is loved more than the council and it seems other angels would find more joy and peace in him as their leader. but he doesn't do that. he accepts his fate. he made that choice. the weight of his sins, his atrocities committed in the name of god and the guilt that comes with it. do you think he could have lived to bare those anymore, knowing that he was the cause for so much suffering? there was no going back from that, he had already done so much harm.

what could he have done to fix that? minos is dead and even if his prime soul lives on, there is nothing left as his failure to stop v1 has led to the disappearances of the upper layers of hell.

sisyphus is dead and just like minos, even if his prime soul lives on, the damage has been done. the sisyphean insurrectionists left with only the essential body parts to carry out their punishment, they will never know the peace that they had worked so hard for. what would gabriel remaining alive do to benefit anyone? to him, perhaps nothing. he failed to see through the wool pulled over his eyes and because of it, so much was lost. there is one thing left that he can do.

and that is to show the angels of heaven that there is nothing to be afraid of. you'll probably notice that his wings are like that of his phase 2 in 6-2 aesthetics of hate. i believe this is gabriel relishing in knowing that the people of heaven will see his last message, the wordless proclamation of their freedom. and even if death approaches him, he has done something that he has wanted for himself and for the rest of heaven. SO WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN? gabriel is a character whom we see the various sides to, the various faces that he shows to people in this story. you pick up the pieces to who he is, having experienced who he is face to face twice now and seeing him unravel. this story is about him and you, v1, the catalyst. he's someone often watered down an angel too in over his head that has the sense knocked into him, which isn't too far off when there is absolutely so much more to him. he's a kind, patient angel who is capable of committing atrocities and has done so under the belief that his actions benefit something, somebody he values or follows. gabriel believes in righting his wrongs, bringing justice in which things are even, balance, proper and when he finds that he was part of the problem, he willingly gives his life as it is trickling away to fix it. of course, he is still an angel, a prideful one that isn't innocent. he's guilty of so much but he ultimately seeks to make things better for those he believes are worthy of happiness, peace. he himself has numbed to the joys of struggle as reward comes easy to him, realizing that being met with a force that matches his own is exhilirating. that the ability to choose his own fate, make his own decisions instead of blindly following the council just as any other angel has made much more of a positive change than anything he's ever done. he's going to fade soon and he knows it. in other words, i think gabriel is pretty cool guys. EXTRA okay now here comes my little crazy shpeal when it comes to gabriel's motif of beheading. in the war against sisyphus, gabriel beheaded him as a means to break the morale of his army and in the end of ACT II he beheads the council member and presents the head to the crowd of angels to dissuade fear. alongside that is imagery of gabriel himself being beheaded which are found in 5-3 ship of fools.

both of these can be found when the ferry is flipped upside down and filled with water. it's just something interesting i noticed :] next, there's this little thought i had in which gabriel has become more "human" as the story progresses. in the testaments presented at the end of each secret level, we find that what we can assume is god refers to humans as a failure, their free will consuming them and causing things to grow closer to entropy. now what exactly does that mean for gabriel? well : his time is limited. he is mortal. he will die. he has gained his own free will, even in his dying moments, he chose to make a difference. even as the councilor scrambles for words, stating that their law commands him, it mirrors the first testament presented to us in the game in which it states : "mankind is a failure. free will is a flaw. let the evil of their lips consume them. then i shall begin again with my word as law." with each push, each struggle, gabriel grows more human than angel. now, finally. there is his motif of radiance and light and somebody else has written it more perfectly than i ever could and you can find it right here! please give it a read, it is what inspired me to go on this little analysis of gabriel.

anyway, that's all. just a little something. feel free to add your thoughts, i would love to read them and do correct me if there's something wrong.

[morganaspendragonss]

you only see the light shine in dark times

5.01 has apparently given me inspiration again we love to see it! enjoy! ao3 | 1k | 5.01 coda, angst and hurt/comfort

He’s grown used to it by now, to Carlos rushing off in the middle of lunch dates and coming home in the middle of the night. He’s grown used to the thousand-yard stares and the constant presence of that case looming over them. He’s grown used to sleeping alone.

But it still hurts. It still aches something deep within TK when he spends yet another night with only Lou Two for company. He could invite people over, the crew, his dad, but he doesn’t want them to know that this is what his life – his marriage – has become. They wouldn’t understand, and he thinks perhaps his dad would understand a little too well, which is an uncomfortable thought.

Not that his marriage is going to end up like his parents’. TK won’t let it. And he is proud of Carlos; deeply, wholly, overwhelmingly so. Seeing him on the news tonight, standing at the chief’s right hand, the youngest Ranger in the line-up by far, had sent a pulse of love and pride directly to TK’s heart, where it still sits, beating strongly away. He loves Carlos for his dedication to his work, and he wouldn’t have him any other way.

But he would have him at home.

The loft isn’t a big place, smaller even than his New York apartment, but right now it feels cavernous, yawning around him. He can almost hear the echo of his feet on the concrete as he sets Lou back in his tank and clears up for the night. The remaining peppers go in the fridge, alongside the leftovers of a dinner he’d made last night in the foolish hope that they could share a full meal together without worrying about call-outs or cases. Instead, TK had been left with too much chicken pasta and Carlos had eaten vending machine energy bars and peanuts.

TK doesn’t fully trust that he won’t do the same tonight, but there’s nothing he can do about it now, except leave the light by the window on. He imagines it’s a beacon, a sole light in the dark, and he imagines that Carlos can see it from his office all the way across town. 

Come home, he thinks, wishes, prays. Come home to me.

Even after he gets in bed, he always tries to stay up for a while, waiting to hear the door rolling along the tracks, Carlos shuffling about, the click of the lamp being turned off. It’s a rare occasion, but it’s happened once or twice, and TK likes to feign sleep until Carlos is finally settled next to him. Then, he’ll pretend to stir, just a little, and he’ll roll over to pull him close.

Tonight, as with most nights, he doesn’t make it, though he’s not sure what time it is when he finally falls asleep. All he knows is that it’s late and Carlos still hasn’t come home.

*

While nights are an ever rarer privilege, TK can usually count on at least a few minutes with his husband in the mornings. Which is why he panics this morning, when he wakes up not to Carlos in bed with him, but to coldness on the other side of the bed. It’s happened before when he’s overslept after a long or late shift, but yesterday’s was neither, and a quick glance at his phone tells him it’s not even seven yet. If Carlos hasn’t come home… But he has to have come home, because who will TK call now that Gabriel is gone? 

His phone is in his hand anyway before he’s managed to disentangle himself from the bedsheets, but it’s proved unnecessary a second later. The bedroom door slides open and Carlos appears on the other side, smiling despite the exhaustion lying heavy across his features. 

“Hey, I thought I heard you,” he says, coming to sit on the bed next to TK. He puts a hand on TK’s knee, his thumb rubbing gently across the skin. “You look upset, what’s going on?”

TK waits before answering. It’s a difficult question to answer these days; he can’t let Carlos know what’s really wrong because that… Well, that’s an argument he doesn’t want to have just yet. 

“Nothing,” he decides. “Just, weird dreams, you know. What time did you get in last night?”

Carlos’s expression shutters and he pulls his hand back, ostensibly to look at his watch. “Uhh, no idea. I stopped for something to eat on the way, so.”

“Good.”

The silence that falls between them is tense, awkward in a way it so rarely is between them. TK doesn’t know how to fix this, doesn’t know when it broke in the first place. It was gradual, cracks forming with every missed dinner and late night. Sometimes it feels like the only thing connecting them is that light by the window, left on as a sign that there is someone to come home to. 

Carlos sucks in a deep breath and TK turns to him, already knowing what he’ll say. 

“I was just about to head out, wanted to see you before I left. You should go back to sleep.” He pats TK’s knee again and makes to stand, but TK snatches his hand before he can fully pull away. 

“I’m awake now,” he tries, pouring as much love as he can into the words. “Maybe I can drive you to work, we can pick up some breakfast on the way? I’ll pick you up when you finish.”

Carlos smiles, but it’s small and regretful. “I already ate, and I don’t want to bother you on your day off.”

“It’s not–”

“Besides, I might stay late again,” Carlos interrupts. “I’m not sure, but I have to keep working on this, TK. I can’t– I couldn’t forgive myself if I stopped.”

TK nods. “I understand.”

And he does. He does. Still. His heart sinks as he lets go of Carlos, allowing him to stand up and leave.

“I’ll leave a light on for you,” he calls out as Carlos reaches the door. “I love you.”

Carlos turns back once, smiles. “Love you.”

Then he’s gone, and TK is alone again.

[memoiresofaneternaldreamer]

Omertà

Assassin! Park Seonghwa x Mafia Heiress! Reader.

Themes: Smut | AU | PWP | Enemies to Lovers | Explicit sexual acts | Use of Italian Petnames (this deserves a separate warning in itself) | PIV | Unprotected intercourse (wrap it before you tap it kids!) | Desperate sex | Fluff - Angst?

Word Count: 1.9K

Playlist: 'See You Bleed' - Ramsey | 'Two Shots' - Cross My Heart Hope to Die | 'In The Blood' - Red Rosamond | 'Scorpio' - Pour Vous

Part of the 'ATEEZ as Dark Tropes' series.

This story is intended for an adult audience only. Minors do not interact.

"I wonder which will get you killed faster -- Your loyalty or your stubbornness?" Seonghwa whispers. His hot breath cascades over your neck while his lips lightly graze the shell of your ear. He has firmly planted himself into your personal space, with his chest flush against your back and his left hand gripping your jaw. 

Any regular person would have seen his words for what they were, a threat, and used them as fuel to run for their life. Or perhaps they would drop down to their knees and beg him, or any Deity they believed in, for mercy.

But you weren’t any regular person. 

His words, nor presence instilled any of its' intended fear into you. That is not what you were trained for. That is not the reaction your body had to him.

“Why don’t we find out?” You retaliate, the ghost of a smirk taking over your features. The challenge in your voice so prominent he cannot help but release a humourless chuckle. 

“Oh Carissima, when I am done with you, you know they will want to kill us both.” He answers. You snort at that, he wasn’t wrong. 

As tragic as the tale of Romeo and Juliet had been, the tale of the Angelinis and Barbieris was much worse.

Two brothers, not by blood but by bond, were once as thick as thieves. They ruled the Underworld side by side and were revered by many. Until one backstabbing and one double-crossing made them sworn enemies. As a result, the Angelinis vowed that no Barbieri would ever rule the Underworld again. And the Barbieris, in turn, vowed to take out each and every living Angelini.

It was a feud that lasted for many years and led to many tragic casualties on both sides. A mutual hatred which should have manifested into the only living heirs of both men.

While your father, Gabriele Angelini, had trained you to become the perfect heiress to the throne, Davide Barbieri, Seonghwa’s mentor turned adoptive father, had trained him to become the perfect killing machine.

Both offspring destined to fulfil the vows their fathers had made, and both offspring as lethal as the other.

But faith had other plans.

Before you can formulate a clever retort, he spins you around and shoves you backwards. The sudden movement catches you off guard, the breath you did not know you were holding bursting from your lips as your back bounces on the mattress. His gaze zeroes in on yours, and you recognize the dark look hidden behind them. Lust. Pure, unadulterated, dirty, forbidden lust. But also something else. Another emotion, much more terrifying. 

Because as your fathers before you, you should hate each other. He should want to kill you, and you should want to ruin him. But you don't. You can't. Not when he is the air you breathe, and you are the light that guides him. And it is with that thought that you understand what it is. Love. 

No words are spoken as you both hurriedly undress, the building tension between you stifling in the air. You both know there is no time for slow kisses or soft touches. Not now. Not when Davide had just formally declared the hit on your life, and every assassin - including Seonghwa - was ordered to hunt you down and eliminate you.  

As you open up the buttons of your blouse and unzip your skirt, he drops the leather jacket off his shoulders and unbuckles his belt. Every layer he sheds reveals more of his flawless skin, sculpted muscles and delicious hardness, and you cannot help but bite your lower lip at the sight. Somewhere in the depths of your mind, you wonder if this will be the last time you see him like this. As you slide your already soaked-through panties over your legs, the minimal light coming in from the window catches onto your glistening folds. 

Seonghwa's eyes capture the sight, and his hand - that had just removed his underwear - grips his uncovered hardness. "Fuck, Cara, you're already soaking wet for me." He groans. "I am." You agree. "What are you going to do about it?" You taunt, while you open your legs to give him an unobstructed view of your cunt. 

He is on you in an instant, his hand grabbing onto your ankle and pulling you closer towards him. Wordlessly he drops to his knees on the bed and lifts your other foot, allowing your legs to frame his hips. From this kneeling position, he can see your arousal in its' entirety. He swipes two fingers over your folds as a reply, before he plunges them deep into your hole. 

The sudden but welcome intrusion of his digits within your walls makes you gasp. "Fuck, Hwa. Amore, please." You mutter, as you feel them curling up into your sensitive spot. "What is it, Cara? Hmm?" He cannot help but taunt back. His eyes take in your beautiful face and he thinks to himself that he would give you anything you asked for in this moment. Hell, he'd give you the world even. And even though he loved Davide like a son loves his father, he loved you so much more. And he'd gladly see the Barbieri empire burn before he hurt a hair on your head.

"More, I need more." You relent, grabbing onto his wrist as he pulls his digits from your cunt. "I want to feel you inside me. I want you." You continue, the desperation to be devoured by him and the danger you know that faces you once you leave his safety slowly consuming you.

Seonghwa understands this though, as he too feels much too overcome already. He's not ready to lose you. He doesn't think he ever will be. So he tells you just that. "You have me Carissima, all of me. Now and forever after." He chokes out, as he enters you in one swift thrust.

The simultaneous moans you let out fill the otherwise quiet room. Seonghwa drops his weight forward, one hand on either side of your head, while you spread your legs to accommodate the width of his body. The pace he sets is unforgiving, the quick snaps of his hips into you making you quiver. Your tits jiggle with the movement and Seonghwa leans down to envelop one of your nipples in his mouth, sucking and nibbling on the stiff nub. 

"Oh fuck..." You curse, your hand reaches the back of his neck to grip at the roots. The sensation of his lips on your skin coupled with his sharp thrusts is almost too much to handle. And yet, it's somehow not enough still. You rotate your hips, desperate for more friction but too out of it to utter the words. But Seonghwa understands. He always does. Latching his mouth onto your other nipple, he glides his hand towards your clit. 

The first roll of his thumb over your sensitive nub is almost enough to make you cry. "Oh Dio.... Yes, just like that."  you whimper, every nerve ending being lit on fire by his ministrations. Seonghwa releases your - now swollen - nipple from his mouth in favour of taking in your blissed-out expression, all the while never letting up his movements. Your hooded eyes, glistening lips and the little drop of drool rolling over your cheek make him groan. 

The desire to plant his lips on yours and lick the drool from your mouth overwhelms him. Even though, when you two had started this "arrangement" years ago, there were two rules he promised you he'd never break.

No kissing. Kissing makes it too personal.

Never say the words "I love you." Saying them turns this into a weakness. And a weakness can be used to kill you.

But suddenly, Seonghwa couldn't care less about these rules. He loves you, more than he has loved anything else before. And Davide has set out to kill you anyway, even without any knowledge of your relationship. If you are going to die - and he in turn as well - he wants to etch your taste into his mind before you both release your final breath. 

"Cara, please. Please let me kiss you." He pleads, his face mere inches from yours while his hand grabs ahold of your jaw. The despair in his tone pulls at your heartstrings, and you know. You know what he wants to say, but doesn't. So you silently nod your head. Tightening his hold on you, he cranes your neck backwards and uses it to finally fuse his lips to yours. 

The kiss is all-consuming; warm, demanding, passionate, ferocious, but at the same time full of love, devotion and tenderness. You feel it everywhere. In the way he grips your jaw, in the fierceness of his hips slamming between your thighs, he's claiming you as his. And you let it happen. Because for someone who's craved control all her life, giving it to him so easily has never felt more right. 

So in that moment, you decide to break the second rule and tear your mouth from his.

"Te amo, Vita Mia." You whisper. Once the words register in his ears, Seonghwa stills his movements. Thankfully, you don't have to wait too long for his reply. "Mio Tesoro, I love you so much." He replies, full of conviction. 

Your words seem to open some invisible floodgate because he is on you again. Tilting his head as he deepens the kiss, it's a flurry of teeth clicking, tongues tangling, and lips smacking. His hips continue their assault on your insides, increasing the brutal force of his thrusts while his thumb stays pressed against your sensitive clit. When Seonghwa suddenly lifts one of your legs until it is resting on his shoulder, you feel him even deeper than before. And it's all too much. 

Fisting the sheets beside your head you cannot stop the scorching heat from coursing through your veins. Your body is on fire, so close to combustion you can almost taste your release. Seonghwa is not far behind. The pulsing of his cock within your walls becomes more prominent with each push. "Come with me Amore, give it to me. Fill me up." You manage to choke out before you tumble over that invisible ledge. 

"Fuck. Yes, Yes, yes. Just like that." He encourages, as he feels your pleasure overflowing within you. He's following right behind you with his own release. One, two, three thrusts and he's spilling inside you, your name rolling off his lips like a mantra, his seed filling you up. 

Seonghwa collapses on top of you, utterly spent, and he chuckles as you wrap your arms and legs around his body like a vice, trapping him to you. No other words need to be said, the softness of your touches and the look in his eyes convey everything you need to know. You stay like this for what feels like an eternity. Wrapped up in each other's warmth, lost in your own little universe. You think you can actually fall asleep like this, with his weight on you and his softening member still inside you. As Seonghwa lays his head on your chest you figure he's coming to the same conclusion. So you close your eyes and let the comfort slowly pull you under.

And then a shot rings out.

A/N: Little brain rot of mine because I've had this moodboard I created just sitting in my drafts forever, and I finally decided to do something with it. (It may also be because of all the concert content floating around). Definitely not proofread. Hope you all enjoy!

Send me your hard/soft thoughts - feedback/fangirling is always welcome. Want to be added to my taglist? Let me know!

[For the Moodboard: credits to the owners of these pictures, I do not own any of them. All pictures are exclusively found on Pinterest. Please do not use without giving credit and do not delete the caption. Do not copy and repost to other sites.]

[inkspottie]

going as anon today because i think half of your followers have already gotten to know me way too well from all of the drawings i keep sending, but even if it’s probably too much to ask, i would literally DIE for a small 50-60 word max snippet of what was going through Eve’s head when she saw into Gabriels memories while she was trying to make him and Anzu look at her and found memories of human Seb

like i’m literally flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water

spottie i will buy you a goddamm crown with your name engraved on it just pLEASEEEEEE IM DYING OVER HERE

Eve was a brilliant creature. A being yanked from the animal world and brought into a new consciousness. Ascending from her plane of existence, feeling, thinking. She had emotions, thoughts, worries.

With all that she had, she still couldn’t understand. Her mind was constantly changing, she couldn’t keep up with the things these humans continued to do to her.

Just a simple shark now having the ability to peer into one’s mind, being able to destroy you from the inside and out.

After the escape, she thought about leaving. Her instincts beckoned her to do so, but then again these new thoughts. These new ideas told her something else, that she had family. That she had a pup. Someone to take care of.

She could not be the way a human saw a mother, but she could be the support he needed. Sebastian. The creature who released her, helped her, and in turn she helped him.

“Keep them away from the crystal.” He had said, he needed time and she was happy to give it. These expendables were trying to get to it, and she would prevent them.

And she had a little friend to help. Painter. Yet another victim of this horrible facility. While he was organic, he was not. A machine. Who thought and felt just like she did.

He had access to doors, often shutting them so Eve could come in and kill whoever was trapped.

It was a fun little game they had. Never speaking but enjoying each others company.

This was supposed to be no different. Three victims, three new bodies. One was already peering into her eyes, but the other they were resisting. Eventually she would be able to get them.

She extends her powers, tendrils reaching and grasping through the folds of their mind. Finding family, mothers, sisters, brothers anything that would coax them to look. Whispering words of encouragement.

A mother, a sister…and then…someone. Someone familiar.

Gabe. The voice whispers. A familiar voice. One she recognizes.

This causes her to stutter, digging deeper into this stranger’s mind. Flashes of images hit her, seeing a face that is so familiar that it nearly sends her flying back into her own head.

Sebastian.

Human Sebastian, one she only seen when soothing the wounds of her pup, her child. Mere glimpses of what he was. This man knew him. This man called for him. Begging for mercy.

This was new to her, and for a moment she falters. Panicked and trembling she pulls away, darting off to find a spot where she could think.

Now this…this complicated things much more than she ever could imagine.

She must tell Sebastian.

[perlukafarinn]

I'm back with another unbearably homoerotic story from The New Voyages (this one even has a foreword written by Leonard Nimoy)!

The story in question is Ni Var, written by Claire Gabriel and published in the first New Voyages volume in 1976. In it, Spock is split in two - his human half and his Vulcan half. He and Kirk also have unnecessarily intense and emotionally loaded interactions pretty much every page. Just look at this passage that happens right after Spock is split:

The moment Kirk sees Spock, he knows something is wrong. They have an emotional talk that turns into an argument that turns into Kirk asking Spock what's wrong and if he can help.

It's the way Kirk reads Spock like an open book! How Spock finds comfort in Kirk's offer to help, even if he's not ready to accept it.

And just when you think it can't get any more intense, bam - City on the Edge of Forever callback!

Kirk is having an extremely normal one.

Anyway, Kirk finds out about the split soon enough because damned if Spock can keep a single secret from him once he's determined to find out.

We are distracted from the main plot, however, as the Enterprise is sent on a mission to a planet whose natives love the taste of human flesh. Of course, Kirk insists on joining the landing party but Spock is Not Having It.

They are having this fight in front of the crew. If the rumors didn't exist before, they certainly do now.

Spock loses the argument on account of Kirk being Captain and goes back to his quarters to discuss the issue with his Vulcan half.

This, the text points out, is the first thing Spock's two halves are in complete agreement on. Protecting Jim. I am banging my head against the wall.

Then Vulcan Spock goes on a mental tangent about humans and emotions and one human in particular, and this passage drives me bonkers.

"Until he met Jim Kirk."

"A man for whom he felt friendship, perhaps even what Humans call love."

Clawing my eyes out. The romanticism of it all. These are completely normal thoughts to have about your commanding officer!!

And then Spock decides to risk what he calls "for a Vulcan, torture" to ensure Kirk's safety. What this whole subplot is for is essentially to show that Spock's two halves can be united and the thing they unite over..... is Jim.

I am unwell.

Spock does manage to keep Kirk from throwing himself to the proverbial wolves, the plot moves on, and then they're back in front of the machine that split Spock and can be used to unite him again. Kirk has an angsty moment about that time he was split in two (the whole story, in addition to exploring Spock's split identity, is filled with callbacks to The Enemy Within and the toll that experience took on Kirk mentally and it's great).

This isn't a particularly Kirk/Spock moment but I had to include it because I love the mental image of Kirk flipping himself off and Spock laughing at it. Kirk would fuck his clone, actually.

Then the time is at hand to unite the two Spocks. Kirk puts a comforting hand on Human Spock's shoulder but then hesitates to do the same to the Vulcan half and this whole page has me crying, screaming, throwing up, etc.

God.

Spock is united, all is well, and the story ends with Kirk grinning at Spock and Spock responding with an oh-so-subtle smile.

In conclusion: gay.

[i-desire-r0b0tz]

I had some revelations after playing through Violence

So after my buddy and I played through violence when it was released a few weeks ago I had this whole ramble/spiel and I made a few connections I haven't seen anyone posting about so I'm gonna post them now, sorry if they're a little disorderly I'm ripping it off of discord

-Cause Imperfect Hatred was obviously a reference to Gabe and his whole rant about "You’ve taken everything from me, machine. And now all that remains is PERFECT HATRED." But it was very obviously imperfect hatred and he realized that he doesn't actually hate V1

So in regard to 7-4 and the Earthmover being the final boss for the layer of violence we learn through previous logs in violence that every machine in the war is built to counter the previous machine built, and through this we know v1 was built to destroy the Earthmovers. That v1 was created with the intention of being able to destroy things so much greater than itself from the inside out. It kind of reminds me of what we as the player of v1, are doing to hell, If hell is a living thing as it's sorta been hinted to be then maybe v1's purpose or driving motivation in hell is to dismantle hell at it's heart of it and the Earthmover was foreshadowing of what the rest of act 3 is gonna be.

Why do I think that has solid standing?

What's interesting is what that means for act 2, v2 fights v1 to try and get it's arm back and get revenge, v1 takes something from it again but more importantly v1 kills it. What this means when applied to Gabriel is that he fights v1 to try and earn back his holy light, his grace, and he loses again. I think the death in this instance in regards to Gabriel was a spiritual one instead of a physical death. His faith in god dies, the illusions he's forced himself to believe in have died. The boss music for Gabriel is quite literally called "The Death of God's Will", with Gabriel in the first act referring to himself as "...the righteous hand of the father" and his first warning to v1 being "Turn back, or you will be crossing the will of God." And in a way v1 is responsible for taking that faith from him too, like how v1 took v2's second arm.

So actually I'm not sure we're gonna be fighting Gabriel as much as maybe we'll be fighting and destroying the heart of hell itself for the ending of act 3. But that's just a theory and some connections I made

[avocado-writing]

Could I request some reader/Gabriel, or reader/Jim? Either with Gabriel’s musings over falling for/being fascinated with a human(?) partner, or reader and Jim indulging in soft courtship and just being idiots in love with each other? Thank you so much for doing these, love your writing so much! 💛

this was fun! I love jim 💕 enjoy!

Jim x reader w/ background aziraphale x Crowley

The first time Jim hears you singing, he’s the only customer in the coffee shop. Aziraphale trusted him with a ten pound note and an order in his head. You clearly don’t even realise that he’s there, you simply belt along with the music you have gently playing over the speakers as you set up the espresso machine. 

It’s lovely. He’s so enchanted by it all he can do is listen. 

When you turn, you yelp. A look he doesn’t realise crosses your face - it’s embarrassment - and you bristle. 

“How long have you been standing there?”

He blinks, put off by your hostility. 

“Not long,” he states. You still seem to want something more from him. He doesn’t know what it is, so instead he offers the truth. “I like your voice. What song is it?”

You seem surprised by that, and it drops your guard and your irritation. 

“You don’t know this song? It’s pretty famous.”

Jim shrugs. 

“No.”

“It’s Take A Chance On Me by ABBA,” you tell him. Jim listens to the music for a bit, enjoying the tune, then smiles at you. 

“I like it more when you sing it.”

You’re a bit taken aback but finally end up smiling. 

“That’s very kind, uh…?”

“Jim.”

He reads your name off your employee badge and commits it to memory, only to find he’s totally forgotten the drinks order. 

🪽 

He next hears you sing when you’re closing up a few weeks later, but it’s okay - he works there too now. Aziraphale let him get a job there under the promise he’d behave. And he does. He’s quite a natural at it, actually, he enthuses about the coffee to every customer who comes through the door and they’re happy to chat with him. 

And he’s pretty easy on the eyes which doesn’t hurt. 

You’re singing under your breath, he can hear the music you have playing quietly on your phone. As he wipes down the tables, he peers over your shoulder. 

“Is this ABBA too?”

You laugh, not unkindly. 

“Huh? Oh, no. This isn’t ABBA. This is I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston.”

“Oh.” He listens to a few bars. “I like this one too, I think.”

You take it easy on him. Apparently he has amnesia, so that’s probably why he doesn’t remember a lot of music. You start the song again, louder this time for him, and hum along to it. 

He listens to your voice more than the song, and finds himself getting a strange fluttery feeling in his chest. When he goes home and asks Aziraphale about it, he’s told it might be affection. 

🪽 

He listens to the radio a lot when he’s in the bookshop now. 

The classical stations, the oldies, the top 40. All of it. He listens and he listens. He makes a mental note of what he’s heard you singing, because those are the ones he likes the most. He uses the internet - under watchful supervision - to research the artists he knows you enjoy. He likes to be able to keep up a conversation with you, likes the way you light up when you talk.  

He likes you. 

🪽 

“Are you sure about this, angel?” Crowley asks, narrowing his eyes. Aziraphale straightens Jim’s tie. 

“Yes, I think it’s a perfectly lovely idea.”

When Jim suggested he would quite like to ask you out to dinner, Aziraphale had decided it would probably be fine, under the condition that if you declined he wouldn’t bother you about it again. Jim didn’t know much about human culture but understood that it was frowned upon to pursue someone who said no, so agreed. 

And now here he was. In his little suit Aziraphale had loaned him. A bunch of flowers in his hand. Waiting for your shift to end. When he sees you coming out of the shop and locking up, Aziraphale sends him off with an encouraging pat on the back. 

He and Crowley watch from the window. 

“If he remembers who he is, this could turn into a nightmare.”

“Perhaps. But look at them, they make each other so happy. I think… maybe they both deserve that.”

Aziraphale loves love, and Crowley loves Aziraphale, so keeps his mouth shut and watches the scene unfold. 

[eris090]

Title - Delicious Defeat

No archive warnings

Relationships - Gabriel/V1 (ULTRAKILL)

Tags - Verbal V1, Degradation, Gabriel has a new god now, (It's gay sex), V1 has bodily fluids somehow, Fluff and smut, only a little fluff though, Anal sex, Anal fingering, Rough sex, Praise kink, Bottom Gabriel/Top V1 (ULTRAKILL)

Description - Basically my version of what happens after the second Gabriel fight.

Words - 1,666 (that wasn't on purpose)

A strange sort of shame filled Gabriel's complex as the machine knocked him to the ground for a second time.

He was ashamed to have lost, yes, but a separate emotion that he could not identify overwhelmed that ten-fold. Whether it was anger, joy, hysteria, or anything else, he found himself laughing. His trembling form on its hands and knees, facing away from the wretched machine was laughing weakly, a warmth filling his gut that made him want to cry for no apparent reason.

His eyes burned as he tried to keep tears from escaping, too focused on that to hear the metal clanking behind him as the machine approached. "Gabriel." The machine spoke in its voice that would be unnerving to anybody, except Gabriel apparently. Not that he noticed. Not until the machine planted its feet on either side of Gabriel's body and grabbed hold of his head, roughly pulling it up to get his attention.

"Gabriel." V1 repeated with the same cadence as before. The angel's attention had certainly changed subjects, however not to V1.

Gabriel had already felt it during the fight, but had then opted to ignore it. Now however, it was simply impossible to ignore. His armor made it near impossible to see, but his cock was straining in his bodysuit, the cold metal of his crotchguard pressing against it and making Gabriel see stars.

The angel arched his back, pressing his hips against the marble floors of the cathedral in a futile attempt to apply more pressure to himself through his armor, shuddering at the heat filling his gut and tipping his head back slightly into the machine's grasp.

V1, seemingly having noticed the angel's strange reaction to its touch, dropped Gabriel's head, a loud clank echoing through the room as his helmet hit the floor. The machine used its foot to roll Gabriel onto his back, leaving the angel feeling exposed.

Although it was near impossible to see underneath his armor to the human eye, V1 wasn't human. Nor was anything else in this wretched world anymore technically. The bulge in his crotch was visible between the plates of armor that had been damaged during the fight.

The machine crouched down to inspect Gabriel closer, gripping his crotch guard and ripping it off with one strong pull, causing the angel to shudder as his cock was relieved of most pressure, only the thin fabric of his bodysuit containing it.

"Machine, what in the lord's name do you think you're doing?" Gabriel questioned, his voice shaking. Instead of responding, V1 opted to quickly grope Gabriel's bulge forcing a truly horrific sound out of the angel's throat. “May the lord forgive me-” Gabriel whispered as he could not help but grind up into the machine's cold touch, at which point V1 quickly retracted its hand.

The angel elicited a profoundly pathetic noise at the machine's rejection, covering his face with his hands as if the robot could see his face either way. V1, in turn, began to emit a mechanical noise similar to a laugh as it grabbed the angel's wrists and pinned them either side of his head. “Bad boy.” The machine scolded and in that moment Gabriel was certain he belonged in hell because those two simple words did something to him.

Before the angel knew it he felt tears rolling down his cheeks and onto his neck where they could be seen by the machine. “No, no…” Gabriel repeated through ragged breaths as he felt his body react physically to the degradation. “I can be…good.” Promised the angel, hesitating before deciding he wanted to be called a good boy more than anything else. “Please…” He whined, back arching off the ground slightly. V1 responded with a content sounding noise before using its sharp fingers to cut open the angel's bodysuit, sliding it off of him tantalizingly slowly.

The angel squirmed but did little else in fear of the machine stopping again. His patience was rewarded when V1 had fully removed his bodysuit, Gabriels cock springing out of its confines and into the cold air of the cathedral, making him shudder. V1 surprisingly however did not throw the ruined clothing to the side, instead deciding to use it to restrain the angel, tying it around his wrists above his head.

Gabriel tugged at the fabric, more for show than an actual attempt to break free before V1 finally wrapped its cold hand around his member and gave it a slow pump. “Machine! Machine, oh lord- forgive me!” The angel moaned, the one simple action showing how truly touch starved the man was. V1’s singular pupil dilated, becoming larger as it stared down at the fallen angel as it repeated the motion a few more times, turning Gabriel into a writhing, moaning mess on the floor.

“More, more, I can take more- please!” Begged the angel, leading V1 to let out another cold laugh. Despite its assumed cruelty however, the machine took pity on Gabriel, prodding at his hole with its sharp fingers before suddenly shoving one inside up to its knuckle. V1 found it incredibly amusing how whenever it would do sudden, unpredicted motions like that Gabriels moan would sound more like a scream, a noise that the machine found much more familiar.

The machine did not slow down after that, pushing in one finger after the other until it deemed the angel stretched enough to take it. By this point Gabriel was crying once again, internally begging for more as whenever he actually opened his mouth the only noise he could manage was a scream as the machine destroyed what little dignity he had left. Changing its position to a more comfortable one, V1 lined a phallic metal object attached to its pelvis up with Gabriels waiting hole.

A few seconds passed of the machine just sitting there, not putting it in, and Gabriel, now slightly recovered energy wise, was becoming irritated. “Machine, I am the angel Gabriel. I can- I can fucking take i-” The angel was cut off of his complaining when the machine pressed all the way inside of him, filling Gabriel to the brim with cold metal that pressed against the angels walls exquisitely. “Mrrrrr…” V1 let out a mechanical purr as it felt the cold metal of its body warm up slightly. Though, the noise was barely audible underneath the echoing cry that Gabriel emitted at the movement inside of him.

Gripping uselessly at the marble floors as he writhed underneath the machine was Gabriel, wanting to beg for more but only able to let out cries of ecstasy as he felt his angelic system flood with euphoric sin. After what felt like hours to Gabriel the machine began to move, sheathing and unsheathing its member from Gabriel, progressively making its thrusts harder and harder.

“Hmmmm…” The machine continued its mechanical purring at the feeling of pleasure as Gabriel screamed, eventually adjusting its hands beneath both of Gabriel's thighs and pushing him back into a mating press, its purrs becoming more intense as it sped up its thrusts.

“Machine- Machine! I-I Feel like I’m going to ex-explode!” Gabriel screamed and V1 responded by sliding its hand down and onto the angel's cock, beginning to jerk him off in time with its thrusts. “Good boy.” V1 said, the words layered on top of its now constant mechanical purring. Gabriel was humiliated that those words are what did it.

Bucking his hips up into the machines hand in sudden, erratic motions as it continued to fuck him Gabriel came for the first time in his life and didn’t want to ever stop. At least until his orgasm eventually passed after about 20 seconds, then he definitely wanted it to stop. The machine was still fucking him, its movements becoming less calculated like they were in battle and more erratic and fast.

The angel couldn’t manage a single thought as overstimulation flooded his brain, the machine's eye now closed although the yellow light of it still shined through the gaps around it and Gabriel couldn’t help but admire the beauty of the golden light, similar to that of gods. He hadn’t even thought to think of how sacreligious that mere thought was until he felt a hot liquid fill him, and somehow make him cum again as he felt like he was being used for the machine's pleasure.

When the angel came to, he saw the machine slouched above him, its internal cooling clearly doing some hard work as Gabriel listened to the sound of fans as he laid his head onto the floor. A minute or two later the machine had quickly lifted him off of his feet and sat him up straight, beginning to clean the already drying semen off of the angel using the ruined bodysuit.

Now even more ruined, V1 threw the bodysuit to the side and sat itself next to Gabriel, who despite himself clung to the machine like it was god's light. Its surprise turned into amusement as Gabriel seemed to be cooling himself off using the machine's internal cooling fans. They sat in silence for a while, Gabriel clearly not knowing what to say and V1 just not being a very big talker.

Eventually Gabriel spoke. “V1.” The machine quickly directed its attention towards Gabriel, surprised that the angel even knew its name, let alone would say it. “For so long the council has been chasing a god that disappeared a long time ago. In fact, I think your creation is what made him finally give up on humanity.” Gabriel glanced out of the cathedral doors and into the raging inferno outside “He was right to, look where they ended up. But…” The angel paused, “I think you’re at least a little bit human. In some ways anyways…” Gabriel presumably finished, not saying a word for the rest of however long they spent there. though he looked like he had something more to say, he didn't say it.

[hoedamn-eron]

baby, please - part 17

It's your first Christmas without your family, but Santiago makes it up to you.

Warnings: Mega heavy on Christmas talk. Mentions of pregnancy complications from the previous chapter. Mentions of shitty in-laws. Gabrielle isn't actually in it, but she's being a bit distant but you know. It's fine. Lot's of dialogue, again. Not proofread whatsoever. Santi and Frankie have an argument we're not privvy to. Word count: 4,724 F!Reader, no use of Y/N.

Apologies this is late, but here is Christmas with Santi! I did mention it in a post, but I'll mention it again here: please be aware that part 18 won't be posted until 11/01 (11th January) due to a busy Christmas period. I need to catch up with myself, and I start a new job in the New Year, so I won't be to write as much as I was able to before.

Edited because Gabs isn't married to Andy, she's married to Matthew 😂 it's Courtney who is married to Andy! Now I'm going to have to double check all of my chapters to see if everyone is married to the correct person 😂

Part 16 ● Series Masterlist ● Part 18

You’d been taking it easy since your stay at the hospital a few weeks ago.

You took less responsibilities at work (your friends wanted you to cut down on your hours, but you just couldn’t do that), and you begrudgingly accepted the help of others to help you pack for your move next month. Speaking of your friends, they’d been checking in on you multiple times a week, and every time, you tell them you’re fine. Really.

The twins were fine. You were fine. Everyone was fine.

“You have a case of placenta previa.”

You look at Dr Montgomery, confused, from your place on the ultrasound table. “What’s that?”

“Your placenta is low, and covering the cervix,” she replied, looking at the screen as she pressed a few keys on the keyboard, then moving the wand over your bump. “Usually, it’s detected at your 20-week ultrasound, but it must have been missed, especially since you’re having twins.”

“Is it...is everyone okay, is it dangerous?”

“It can be risky, but we’ll keep an eye on you,” Dr Montgomery said. “The bleeding was caused by this, and stress. You’ll need to come back for another ultrasound at 32 to 33 weeks. It may have moved on its own by then, but otherwise, we may have to look at a caesarean birth at 37 weeks.”

“What? No! I wanted to go as natural as possible,” you say, your eyes widening. You had a plan! “I can’t be out of commission for 6 weeks with twins!”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you wanted, but I strongly advise you look into it,” she replies, giving you a sympathetic look before turning off the machine. “I also recommend you take it easy if you can. I’m not saying strict bed rest, but just...relax a bit more.”

So that’s what you’ve done...you’ve relaxed. You’ve downloaded a kick counting app, something you should have done a while ago, so you could count the kicks from the babies, just in case. So far, they’d been back to normal – and by ‘normal’, you mean they were using your bladder as a soccer ball, with a shot to the kidneys every now and then.

Santi had arrived in the hospital just as Dr Montgomery had given you the okay to go home. Beth had left just after the results of your ultrasound (at your insistence), so you were packing your bag as Santi ran into your room, breathless and eyes wide. You’d looked at him with equally as wide eyes, before you hurriedly caught him up, telling him everything was okay, that you just needed to take it easy.

You introduced him to Dr Montgomery, who explained the situation a little better. It calmed Santi down a little, but you still noticed him tapping his foot as he nodded along, his hands resting on his hips as he listened intently. He kept glancing at you, as if you would collapse or suddenly disappear.

He gave you a lift home (in his truck) and insisted he stay for dinner. He cooked some food for the both of you, and you both ate on your couch, Santi wanting to know every detail to what happened. He apologised again and again for not being there, but you told him it was Thanksgiving weekend, you don’t blame him for not being there. No-one could predict what would have happened.

Dr Montgomery had booked you in for another scan a few days before Christmas. Santi insisted on going with you, which you were grateful for, of course. Unfortunately, your placenta hadn’t moved much, and you were booked in for a c-section for the end of January.

You sulked as you walked out of the hospital, pouting.

Santi gave you a small nudge, walking beside you. “Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

“I wanted to give birth naturally,” you mumble, as you both approach the truck.

Santi grabs your arm gently, stopping you as you stop at the bed of the truck. “I know it’s not what you wanted, and that does suck for you. I’m sorry. But Dr Montgomery said it was the safest option for you and them.”

You sighed. “I feel like it’s...it’s like I’m not...like I’ve already failed as a mother, by bringing them into the world that way.”

Santi looks at you, his eyes filled with empathy. He places a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Listen to me," he says, his voice soft but firm. "Having a c-section doesn't make you any less of a mother. What matters is that you and the babies are safe. That's the priority."

You lean against the truck, staring at the ground as a mix of emotions wash over you. "I just wanted everything to be perfect, you know? A beautiful, natural birth story to tell them when they're older."

Santi gently lifts your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. "Life never goes according to plan, especially when it comes to something as unpredictable as having kids. We should know.” he grins at you, wiggling his eyebrows a little.

You give a small laugh at his quip.

He continues. “But that doesn't lessen the love you have for them or the strength it takes to do what's best for their well-being." He pauses, before giving you a reassuring smile. "You're not failing as a mom. If anything, you're making the tough decisions now because you love them so much."

You take a deep breath, absorbing his words, before nodding. “Okay.”

Santi studies you for a moment. “C’mere.” He pulls you into a comforting hug, and you melt into him, allowing the warmth of his embrace to provide a momentary escape from the overwhelming emotions of your appointment with Dr Montgomery. "We'll get through this together.”

You nod against him, just holding him a little longer than necessary before pulling away. “Thank you.”

He gives another laugh. “Don’t thank me for speaking the truth, querida.”

You wipe away at the few stray tears in your eyes before turning to him. “Come on, I gotta get home. Help me get in this junk heap.”

“Hey, don’t insult my truck,” Santi says in mock offence, before he smirks and opens the door for you, and helps you climb in.

He drives you in silence as you talk to him about work, how you’ve taken a step back and you hate it but you’re willing to do it for less stress. Harriet was a little apprehensive when you told her, that she needed you on board for this newest client, that the product was about to launch but you didn’t back down. You told her that you weren’t backing away, but just taking on less of the load. Emily and Kelsie were happy to take some of the tasks; Hell, Kelsie was practically frothing at the mouth for the opportunity to add on some more responsibility than she already had. She told you herself she wanted most of the glory since this was her first big client.

“Bit of a shitty thing for Harriet to do, guilt trip you like that.”

You shrug. “That’s just Harriet. I’ve grown used to it,” you say. “Been there long enough.”

“Since graduation, right?”

You nod. “Yup.”

“Ever thought about leaving?”

Your eyes widened as you turn to look at him. “Why would I do that? I’ve built myself up, I have a relationship and reputation with clients.”

Santi shrugged nonchalantly, keeping his eyes on the road. “I dunno. Seems like you’re underappreciated and overworked, from what you’ve told me. Is there no other marketing firm in Florida?”

“There is - “

“Shop around,” Santi said, as if he wasn’t asking you to consider leaving the only current stability you had in your life right now. “See if anyone is hiring, for a better position or just to be treated a little better.”

“I think it’ll be the same everywhere,” you say, laughing a little.

Santi shrugged. “Just putting it out there.”

You nod. “I mean...I’ll think about it. Maybe after Christmas. Or after I’m back from maternity leave.”

It goes quiet again for a few minutes before Santi asks, “What are you doing for Christmas?”

You shrug. “I have no plans. Beth offered to have me over again, but I feel like I can’t keep intruding on their time.”

“If they’ve asked you to join them, I don’t think you’ll be intruding.”

Your family had still not contacted you. You had messaged the group chat again, accepting that there would probably be no reply still (and there wasn’t). You had another episode, alone this time, sitting on your couch late at night, stereotypically sobbing into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream as you watched Home Alone. It had been your favourite as a child, and something you had watched together with your family, after you’d put the decorations up. This year, you had no tree, no decorations, and you watched it alone.

It had been a sad night.

“You could always...” Santi said a little awkwardly, before clearing his throat. “You could always spend it with me. If you wanted. You don’t have to.”

You look at him with wide eyes, but Santi keeps his gaze on the road, an air of nervousness surrounding him. “You...want to spend Christmas with me?”

“I would have asked you to Thanksgiving but I didn’t...my sisters...”

“I wasn’t expecting you to invite me,” you said, sensing his anxiousness. “Please don’t think over on that.”

“I should have invited you - “

“Santiago,” you say, firmly, causing him to give a quick glance at you before looking back at the road, turning to your apartment’s street. “I am okay. We are okay. You were visiting your family for the first time in years. I didn’t need to be there.”

He goes silent, his jaw tensing like he wants to say something else, but he just sighs through his nose and gives a tight nod.

You reach over to give his hand a reassuring squeeze. “I would love to spend Christmas with you.”

“Have you spoken to Gabs recently?”

You look at Courtney with a confused look on your face as you reach for your water. “I mean, I spoke to her last week about the kids’ Christmas presents. Why?”

You and Courtney had met up for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and you stopped for some dinner before heading home. You had to admit, Gabrielle had been a little off when you spoke to her last week and you had asked if everything was okay, but she had just told you it was Christmas stress. It wasn’t so farfetched, Gabrielle hosted every year for her and Matthew’s families, so of course there was no reason to not believe her.

“Hm,” said Courtney, her brow furrowing. “She’s been a little…weird.”

You shrug. “I mean…she seemed off when I spoke to her, and I asked her about it but she said it was Christmas stress.”

Courtney shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. It’s just…bugging me.”

“We could talk to her about it,” you say. “But you know Gabs, she’ll come to us eventually when she’s ready to let us know what’s going on.”

Courtney shook her head for a moment before giving you a look. “You’re right. You’re right! I’m just worried about her.”

“She’ll be fine,” you say. “You know what she gets like at Christmas, she’s hosting for everyone. And you know Matthew’s family.” You give Courtney a pointed look.

Courtney pulled a face. “Yeah. They’re assholes to her. But she keeps hosting!”

“Look, we tell her this every year and you know what she says – “

“’It’s only once a year’,” you both say in unison.

“Exactly,” you say. “So she’ll probably be back to normal after Christmas.”

“Fine. Fine,” said Courtney. “Let’s talk about something else. Like how you’re spending Christmas with Santiago!”

“I am,” you say, feeling your cheeks warming slightly.

“I think that’s nice,” Courtney says. “You’re like...starting your family. Getting the traditions in.”

You nod. “Yeah, I think so too. If this is something we do every year, then best start now, right?”

“You going to his place?” Courtney asked, before thanking the waitress for bringing your food over.

You nod, also thanking the waitress. “It’ll be easier since most of my stuff is packed up now. Thanks again for that, by the way.”

“No problem,” Courtney said, digging into her food. She gives you a grin. “It’s exciting, but also a little sad. It’s the end of an era, but the start of a new one.”

“In a month’s time, I’m going to be a mom,” you say, your eyes wide as if you don’t quite believe it yourself. “How weird is that?”

“Stop it,” said Courtney. “Who knew you would be the next one to have a kid?”

You snort, tucking into your own food. “I don’t think anyone thought I would have a kid, full stop.”

“No,” said Courtney, shaking her head. “I think you would have. Just in ten years.”

“Well, life didn’t work out how I’d planned,” you said, laughing. “But it’s good. Life is good.”

“And you’re happy?” Courtney asked.

Were you? Happy? You go quiet as you think. Obviously, you hadn’t planned to get pregnant, and with twins for that matter, in your tiny one-bedroom apartment, or not be speaking to your parents, or be questioning your job. But here you were, about to finish the year with a new house, amazing friends, new babies, and Santi.

Oh, Santi.

You never thought you would have met someone like Santi, even though you both weren’t together-together. You were lucky to have him; most men after one-night-stands would have left by now, but not Santi. He was sticking around, and in it for the long run. And honestly, you know he wouldn’t feel the same way about you than you felt about him, but he loved you as a friend and the mother of his kids, and you adored that he wanted to help you raise these babies together.

You slowly smile and look at Courtney. “Yeah…yeah, I’m happy.”

You pull up outside Santi’s apartment, taking a deep breath before climbing out of the car. You'd been simultaneously looking forward to Christmas with Santi, and dreading Christmas with Santi. He told you that it was his first year spending it in Florida since returning from Colombia and warned you that his Christmas dinner would probably be something he could quickly rustle up and wasn’t too much hassle - ‘very non-traditional’ was what he said. You didn’t mind; the year had been incredibly ‘non-traditional’ for you anyway.

You make your way up to his apartment, a large bag of presents in your hand. You knock, biting your lip nervously as you waited for Santi to open the door. You look up as the door opens, and you give a laugh at Santi. He was wearing an obnoxiously bright red jumper with a Santa knitted into it, and a Santa hat, and was wearing his usual jeans. He had a bottle of beer in his hand.

He holds his arms out wide as he grins at you. “Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas,” you say as you step inside, still laughing at his outfit.

Santi closes the door behind you before he brings you into a quick hug. “I don’t have much of an itinerary today, but Frankie and Sarah might stop by later with Sofía.”

You nod, pulling back from him. “That works out, actually, because I got something for Sofía,” you say, motioning to your bag.

Santi gives you a small, closed-lipped smile. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know I didn’t,” you say. “I wanted to. They’re a big part of your life, therefore, they’ll be a big part of our kids’ lives.”

Santiago doesn’t say anything as you make your way into his living room, where he had a small Christmas tree in the corner, overly decorated. You hear Santi make his way into the kitchen as you took the presents out of bag and placed them underneath, smiling as the pile grew. You look up as Santi makes his way into the living room. “Some of these from your sisters?”

He nodded, handing you a can of Diet Coke. “Yeah. I saw them last week, dropped off gifts then. I just got off the phone with them, since my nieces had just opened their Barbie dolls, with their cars, and pets, and accessories...”

You giggled, opening the can. “There’s an awful lot of girls in your family.”

He nodded, grinning. “I have a few cousins who are guys, who had a few boys. I'm not totally overruled.”

You give a small laugh as you sip at your drink. “So, do you want to do presents now? Or later? We could eat first, if you wanted.”

“The empanadas are resting in the fridge, and I have mac and cheese in the slow cooker,” said Santi, taking a gulp at his almost forgotten beer. “Got all sorts of vegetables and potatoes roasting in my oven too.”

“Sounds like a feast,” you say. You could feel your mouth watering. “Maybe we could eat soon?” you give Santi a big smile.

He chuckles at you before nodding. “I’ll put the empanadas in.”

You nod as Santi disappeared back through the kitchen. You look at the presents, and the small tree, and the fact that his living room was bare of any other decorations. Your mind wandered to the fact that this was his first Christmas since settling down, that he was in an actual home and not in a shack or seedy motel somewhere in South America. You really appreciated that he offered you his place for the day, that he’d gone out of his way – and his comfort zone – to bring you into his space again.

“Are you okay? Did something happen?”

You look up at him, blinking in confusion before you realise you were crying. You give a small laugh of slight embarrassment. “I didn’t realise I was crying, I'm sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, cariño,” he said, taking a seat next to you on the floor, giving you a concerned look as he rested his hand in the middle of your back. “Is there anything I can do for you? I knew today would be difficult, I don’t want you to be here if you don’t want to be - “

“No, Santi, really, I'm fine,” you say, cutting him off. “I’m just hormonal. I cry at everything.”

He hesitated for a moment before asking, “I don’t want you to feel obligated to be here, just because I asked - “

“I want to be here, Santi,” you say, reaching over and squeezing his hand that was still wrapped around a beer. “Really, I’m fine. I just...I like that I'm here, you know? I like that you want me here.”

Santi paused for a moment, looking at you before he gives a grin. “Of course, I want you here.”

You give another weak laugh. “Okay then.”

You help him in the kitchen with the food, and of course as soon as you sit down to eat, Frankie and Sarah make their way through with Sofía, profusely apologising for interrupting for not texting beforehand. Santi told them it was fine, and after a few hugs and a quick catch up between you and the Morales’, you all sit to have something to eat.

You get to know the Morales’ a little more intimately than you did on Halloween; you were in a smaller setting with fewer people, and Sarah wasn’t so distracted by the other guests. She was fun, and loud, and someone you could see getting along with for a long time. Frankie was the opposite; quiet, and observant, but you could see how much he opened up to Santi. He wasn’t rude to you at all, including you in the conversation when he could, and you could see why Santi loved him so much.

And then there was Sofía, who giggled at everything you said, and kept trying to steal the mac and cheese on your plate, even though Sarah kept adding more to her plate. You didn’t mind, but Sarah insisted she stop doing it (“It’s becoming a whole thing, we’re trying to nip it in the bud now, while we can!”). When you all finished dinner, you offered to do the dishes, but you were rebuffed when you were lead into the living room, Santi quickly clearing up the plates, saying he’d ‘deal with them later’.

Sarah plonks you down in the armchair by the tree before she hands you an envelope. “This is more for when the babies are here than right now, but it’s valid for three years.”

You look at her in confusion before you open the envelope, mouth falling open as you take a look at the expensive gift voucher. “Sarah, I can’t accept this!”

“Oh sure you can,” she says, waving you off.

You thank her profusely, before you lean down and grab a few boxes from under the tree. “I got some things for Sofía – “

“You didn’t have to do that!” cried Sarah.

“Don’t be silly, here,” you say, handing the toddler the boxes, who took more interest in the wrapping paper than the actual present.

As you and Sarah sit, you look up for Santi and Frankie, who were strangely quiet. You’re taken aback to find them stood close together, quietly arguing with one another. Frankie was pointing at Santi’s chest and saying something too quiet for you to hear, but it was filled with anger, nonetheless. Santi merely argued back.

You look away, putting a mental note in it. You’ll ask Santi about it later.

As Sofía played with the wooden doctor’s set, and the baby doll that you’d gotten along with it, you chatted to Sarah before Frankie finally made his way over. “I think we oughta go.”

Sarah nodded. “Shoot, you’re right, we promised we’d see your mom like, an hour ago.”

As they gather their things and say their goodbyes (Santi and Frankie were still tense), you and Santi were left alone. You look around and sigh, before looking back at him. “What was that about?”

“What?” Santi asked, going around the living room and collecting wrapping paper, avoiding eye contact.

“You and Frankie, what were you arguing about?”

“Oh, nothing,” said Santi, shaking his head. “Something stupid with Benny, you know how it is.”

You don’t feel like he’s telling you the truth, but you know if you pry, Santi is more likely to close up. You slowly nod at him. “Okay. Sure, yeah.”

He finally looks at you and gives you a tight smile. “Everything is okay, hermosa.”

You hesitate before nodding then glancing at the presents under the tree. “I think we should do our gifts now.”

“Okay,” Santi said, before patting you on the back as he passed you to go back into the kitchen, tossing the papers away.

You settle on the floor by the tree, and lean over and grab a few gifts, placing them by Santi as he joined you moments later. “I didn’t go overboard - “

“I don’t believe that,” Santi said from his own place under the tree before he pulled out a small box, wrapped somewhat neatly, and placing it in front of you. “Now, this doesn’t look like a lot but - “

“Stop, Santi, it’s fine,” you say. “It’s about the sentiment.”

Santi nodded, before going quiet, glancing at you at the present. You grin and nod to him. “You go first.”

He gives a small laugh before nodding at the boxes in front of him. “Any particular order?”

“Nope,” you reply.

Like a child, Santi didn’t have to be told twice. He immediately tore into the gifts, smiling widely at the new shirts you’d bought him, and a nice watch. He immediately put it on, before admiring it.

“This is nice,” he said, still admiring it.

“I know you like swimming, so it’s waterproof too,” you say. “And it tracks your exercise. Since you refuse to get an Apple Watch, I went for the next best thing.”

“Thank you, hermosa,” he says, before opening his last gift. He pauses as he looks down at the strap for a guitar.

“I know you’ve been trying to get back into it, and I know your current strap is falling apart,” you say, smiling. “I thought you could do with an upgrade. And look!” you pull the strap from the wrapping before finding the end and pointing. “I have it engraved with your initials.”

“This is…this is great, cariño. Thank you,” he said, before he stands quickly and leaves the room. He comes back a few moments later, guitar in hand as he settles back on the floor with you, practically ripping off the old strap. He puts on the new one, and why he was fiddling with it, he pushed the small box towards you. “Like I said, it’s not a lot…”

“Santi, please,” you say as you open the gift. You pause at the sight of the Tiffany box, glancing up at Santi who was now looking at your nervously.

You open the Tiffany box, to find a silver chain-link bracelet, with a charm of a Christmas tree hanging off it. You gingerly take it out the box, looking at it more closely.

“I have more charms, but I can’t give them to you yet,” he said. “I got the tree because it’s…it’s our first Christmas together.”

Oh my God, you might burst into tears.

No, actually, you’re already crying.

“Santiago,” you say, in a high-pitched cry, looking at the bracelet, at the delicate green charm of the Christmas tree.

“Oh, no,” he said, scootching over to you and bringing you into his arms, where you sobbed into shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. If you don’t like it – “

“Don’t like it!?” you cry, pushing away from him, looking between him and the bracelet. “I love it. Put it on me!” you shove it at him before presenting your wrist to him.

Santi chuckled as he shook his head in disbelief, carefully fastening the bracelet around your wrist before he gave a soft kiss to the warmth of your skin. Your heartbeat loudly in your ears as Santi gave your wrist a squeeze and he looked at you with a warm smile on his face. You look at the bracelet, the charm sitting pretty. You smiled widely at it, tears still falling down your cheeks.

“Please, stop crying,” laughed Santi, reaching up to wipe your years away.

“I can’t,” you say, laughing back as you look at him. “I’m pregnant, and hormonal, and you got me a really nice, sappy gift. I love it.”

“Good. I’m glad.” He goes quiet for a moment before he swallows nervously. “I…”

You look at him as he goes quiet. “Yeah?”

The two of you just staring at each other. Eyes locked onto his, you search for the words that seem to linger unspoken on his lips. There's a certain vulnerability in his silence, a hesitance that hangs in the air like the delicate balance before a confession.

"What is it?" you prompt again gently, your heart quickening in anticipation.

His eyes flicker nervously, and you can almost sense the internal struggle within him. It's as if he's wavering on the edge of an abyss, grappling with emotions that have finally found their way to the surface. Could he…could he be trying to say what you think he…

He takes a deep breath, his chest rising and falling in tandem with the weight of his unspoken words. You can feel the gravity of the moment, the tension building between you two, as if the universe itself is holding its breath in anticipation of what he's about to say.

“The next charm you’ll get is in a few weeks, at the baby shower,” Santi finally said, after a long pause.

Oh. That wasn’t what you expected at all. You were –

Wait.

You pause, your brow furrowing as you look at him, tears finally stilling. “The what?”

Santi freezes, his face falling as he looks at you. “Oh, shit.”

Tagged - @khonsulockley, @bluenredndeath, @superficialfeelings, @othersideoftheparadise, @beezusvreeland, @itsmytimetoodream

[dilemmaontwolegs]

Running From The Flames {Epilogue 1/2}

Pairing: Pierre Gasly x OFC Warnings: parenting - that should be a warning lmao, sexual themes

F1 Masterlist || Previous Chapter - Epilogue 2/2

There was only one word to describe my life and that word was: chaotic. That being said, I still wouldn’t change it for the world.

The family calendar on the fridge was completely full and colour coded so we could all see where we were needed on any given day. Even so, I still lost track of my husband or our kids at least once a week. 

“Sydney, honey, have you seen your father?” I asked the spitting image of Pierre who was in the race simulator. He was always in the machine, practising for his upcoming debut into Formula 4 now that he had turned 15 and could move up from karting. 

“Picking up Addie from the airport.” He barely looked away from the triplet of screens in front of him as he answered with all the attitude of a teenage boy being interrupted in life. “It’s on the fridge.”

I looked at the calendar and realised I was looking at the completely wrong day. “Shit.”

“Ha,” he laughed loudly as he navigated the virtual track of the Red Bull Ring. “You forgot.”

“I didn’t forget,” I said as I scanned over the correct day and saw I had a board meeting to prepare for tomorrow. “I just thought it was Tuesday today.”

“Whatever you say, maman. You can tell me I’m your favourite, I won’t say anything.”

“I don’t have a favourite, I love you all equally. Now, can you finish that game and go do your homework? You still need to pack your bag for the weekend too.”

Addie was coming home from London for the week, taking a little break from her own busy schedule, to watch Sydney’s first race with us in Austria. 

It had been difficult to let her leave home at 18 but she had worked hard to get a place in the Arsenal Women’s Under 21 team. I had left home at the same age and Pierre had left even earlier, so we were hardly the exemplary figures to deny her. All we could do was make sure she stayed safe and she knew she could call either of us 24/7 if she needed help. It was also never that long between visits, making plenty of stopovers in England as we travelled. 

The travelling for work was tiresome but so far we had yet to miss a football match on Saturday or a karting race on Sunday. It did help being our own bosses so Pierre and I could manage our schedule around the kids. He had been running Strauss Fashion for the better part of the last ten years, after Granny finally retired properly, while I had been the Chief Technical Officer at Alpine, which Grandpa had purchased. 

When Harry passed away three years ago I found myself suddenly thrust into the ownership of the team and though there were plenty of offers to sell it, I decided to take the leap of faith and see where the journey would take me. I hadn’t looked back and so far we had two Constructors' Championship wins with our seasoned pilots, Gabriele Minì and Oliver Bearman.

We had come so far, it was hard to believe until I saw the wisps of grey hairs among the dark strands. 

“Maman!” I was pulled from my reminiscence and looked at my watch to realise how quickly the afternoon had gotten away from me as Clare bounded through the front door and leapt into my arms. “Maman, look!”

Clare had been a wonderful surprise that completed our family two years ago. After Sydney’s unexpected and frightening early arrival Pierre had been reluctant to try for another child, though he had always wanted three. I thought maybe he would change his mind after the terrifying memory faded with time but then a few years passed, we both got caught up in work, and after that it seemed too hard to imagine returning to sleepless nights with a newborn. 

But, the universe had other plans for us. What I thought was a long-enduring hangover, after celebrating the rebranding of Alpine into Gasly Racing, actually turned out to be morning sickness. Those final weeks before her birth were stressful enough to send Pierre to his doctor for a vasectomy but thankfully her arrival went exactly to plan and he could breathe calmly once again. 

“Hello my Clare-bear, wow, you have another bracelet.” You quirked an eyebrow at Charles as he arrived with Clare’s backpack on his shoulder and her spare carseat under his arm. “Uncle Charles has absolutely spoiled you.”

“Of course. A princess deserves it,” he stated proudly as he placed her belongings down and nodded his head to the simulator. “Is he all ready for the big day?”

“He is, I’m not sure I am,” I admitted as I put Clare down and she immediately went to interrupt Sydney by climbing onto his lap mid-race. If it was anyone else they would have received an earful but he just paused the game and listened as she told him all about her day at Uncle Charles’ house. “God help me when he gets to Formula One, I think I’ll have to revert the car back to a slower predecessor for my own sanity.”

Charles laughed but I wasn’t completely joking. The cars were so much faster than they were when he and PIerre raced. Though the safety features improved along with the technology that made them rockets on wheels it was still difficult to imagine putting my little boy inside one and sending it off. 

“You could keep him as a reserve driver,” Charles offered before shaking his head at the thought and taking a seat at the kitchen island. “But he’s stubborn like his father, he’d just find another team to race for.”

“No way, I can at least trust my own team to keep him safe. Same goes for Marc.”

Charles chuckled at the mention of his son who at 8 years old he was already a junior karting champion. “He said someone called him Il Predestinato after his race last weekend.”

“Yikes, I’m sure they meant it in a good way.”

The front door opened again and Addie blew in with all the gusto of a tornado, whipping around the rooms to greet everyone before she was up the stairs to her old room. Entering a little more sedately was my husband, his arms laden with more suitcases than anyone needed for a week away, especially when she still had a wardrobe full of clothes upstairs. 

“You are lucky you only have sons,” Pierre said to Charles as he kicked the door closed behind him. “I don’t work out enough anymore to be carrying this shit.” 

He dropped the suitcases in front of the elevator and hit the call button rather than carrying them up the stairs before pushing them inside as the door opened. After a few bad winters, where not even the central heating could keep the aches of my bones at bay, Pierre had made the call for the elevator to be installed and it had been a godsend in moments like this when heavy items needed to make it to the floors above.

Sticking his head up the staircase he called out, “Addie, your entire life and everything but the kitchen sink is heading your way.”

“Thanks, dad!”

“What was that about?” I asked after he joined us in the kitchen while the coffee machine churned out our usual drinks. “I thought she outgrew the ‘I’m too cool to hangout with my parents’ phase.”

Pierre's lips pressed together and he took a seat next to Charles, picking up Clare who had left Sydney to return to his practice. “Elias.”

“Vettel?” Charles asked, his eyebrows lifting when Pierre nodded and pushed his mug away so Clare couldn’t reach the hot liquid.

“They have been out on a few dates, apparently. I’ll have to ask Davis about it, assuming he went with them, it’s not like it’s his job or anything. Did you know that?”

I shook my head at the news, cradling my mug in my hands as I leaned against the bench and wondered if she had ditched her bodyguard once again. “He’s a sweet boy from what I remember, much like his father.”

“I don’t like it. I don’t care who his dad is,” Pierre grumbled before repeating, “You are so lucky you only have sons, mate. Teenage girls are stressful.”

“Ah, but I have two boys who think it is funny to have a competition to see who can fart the loudest,” Charles said as he took a sip of his drink.

“I mean, that’s kind of funny,” Pierre said with a smirk.

Charles sighed deeply and rubbed his forehead. “Not when one always pushes too hard to win.”

The sip I was taking went the wrong way and I spluttered as Pierre laughed, “It’s all shits and giggles, until someone giggles and shits.”

“To think my poor mother went through this too. Drives me insane, mate. Bet you’ve never had to worry about that?”

“Thankfully, no,” I answered after recovering from choking on coffee. “But it also wasn’t bad enough to stop you from having another.”

“And on that note, I should get going. Mia won’t let me back in the house if I don’t pick up her favourite carbonara on the way home.” He smiled as he thought of his wife’s pregnancy cravings. It was the same one she had when she was carrying Marc and Antonio so it came as no surprise at the gender reveal when the backyard was splattered with blue confetti. “Thank you for letting me borrow Clare.”

“Any time,” Pierre chuckled as he clapped his friend on the back. Charles had been busy reinstalling all the baby gates and safety locks in his home, despite the baby boy not even being born yet, and wanted a toddler to help test his craftsmanship. “I won’t complain about a little free babysitting.”

Charles placed his empty mug in the sink and before kissing the top of Clare’s thick wavy hair. “Bye petite chérie, I’ll see you on Sunday.”

“Bye Uncle Charles,” she said with a wave, but it sounded more like Unk Cha and made him laugh as he approached the simulator.

I saw Sydney pause the race and Charles crouched down beside him, sharing a few quiet words of encouragement for the upcoming debut race. I couldn’t help feeling incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many supportive people and my smile grew as a pair of arms wrapped around my waist. 

I turned to meet his lips over my shoulder and the magnetism that attracted us was still evident even after 17 years. Of course, like any relationship, there had been times when stress led to arguments and I would find him hours later in a spare bed, wide awake because he couldn’t sleep without me beside him. Those fights never lasted long enough to even remember what they were about and forgiveness came easy.

I turned in my husband’s arms and draped mine around his neck to admire him. Pierre was truly like a fine wine. Age had made him even more handsome and the small wrinkles at the corners of his lips and eyes were a testament to a life that was full of smiles and laughter. 

“Addie said she’ll watch the kids tonight,” Pierre whispered in my ear as he gently swayed to the melodic tune of his voice and I hummed with contentment. “And I got us a table at L'Ambroisie. You’ve been working so hard I thought we could do with a night away, just the two of us.”

“You think I don’t know your game, baby,” I whispered back, all too aware Charles was still chatting with Sydney and imparting some real world advice. “Wine and dine, pretty words, a hotel room. There’s only one thing you want.”

His lips curled into a smile against my cheek. “You know me too well.”

“You would actually get a full night’s sleep if you put your foot down.”

Pierre looked over at Clare who had helped herself to a banana from the fruit bowl and as if sensing she had been caught she looked up with an innocent smile. “How can I tell her no when she looks like that?”

“Mhmm, and that’s why she keeps climbing into our bed. You are a big softy.”

His smirk was flirty and fun as his arms tightened around me, pulling our bodies flush together. His breath was hot on my neck as he hid his face in the curtain of my hair. “Not tonight, ma femme. Tonight you will see just how hard I can be.”

Pierre backed up with a smirk but not before he sucked at the sensitive skin above my racing pulse. He knew exactly what he was doing and the smugness showed as he whistled a little tune on his way to help Clare peel the banana.

Shaking my head, I made my way to the stairs and said goodbye to Charles with the message to remind Mia that our plans for a spa day had been booked - but that didn’t mean he could slack off from the ankle massages he was giving her each night. He gave an amused salut but I didn’t see it as I pressed the button for the elevator. He was well used to the reminders by now, it wasn’t his first rodeo.

Knowing my evening plans had changed I went to my office and shut the door to silence the music drifting down the hall from Addie’s room. As CEO of Gasly Racing there was an endless stream of paperwork to be checked and signed, especially with the new expansion plan for the factory about to break ground. On top of that were the invites to attend fundraisers or speeches to prepare for the various charities I was ambassador for such as Women's Refuge.

When I finally emerged with my inbox up to date I could hear the laughter of all my children from where they lounged in front of the tv and the sound never ceased to make me smile. I had missed the sound since Addie moved out because it was rare to have all five of us here at the same time and I was reluctant to leave even for just one night when it came time to pack an overnight bag.

“We are allowed one night away, mon amour,” Pierre said as he stepped into the master bedroom to see me hesitating to step inside the wardrobe. “You and me, no interruptions.”

I relaxed into his embrace and sighed as he brushed my hair over one shoulder before kissing my collar. “And what were you planning that was so important it couldn’t be interrupted?”

His chuckle sent a shiver of delight down my spine and his fingers trailed down my ribs to the hem of my shirt before they slipped underneath the material to caress the soft skin over my stomach. I had to take a shaky breath when his thumbs caught the waistband of my skirt and I held it as I waited for them to hook underneath.

His lips brushed the shell of my ear and my lips parted in anticipation of his dirty words. “To sleep.”

“Huh?” I blinked twice, peeking over my shoulder to see his green eyes sparkling with amusement. 

“To sleep. Why, what were you thinking?” He tried to look innocent but when he drew his bottom lip between his teeth and his hand slipped down beneath my skirt he let the truth show. “Did you want me to tell you how I am dying for a taste of you? How I can’t wait to have these sexy legs wrapped around me when I make love to you tonight? I don’t need to tell you, baby, I’ll show you.”

I knew he could feel how damp my panties were for him from the smirk on his face and I almost whimpered when he withdrew his hand from where I needed it. “Now pack your bag, and make it quick, I’m absolutely ravenous.”

I bit my lip at the depth of his tone and knew exactly what it was he was dying to taste. I didn’t even look at what I was packing, tossing the first items that touched my hands before he stopped me and grabbed one dress instead. 

“This one,” he said as he held a colourful sundress that I rarely wore anymore, a soft smile warming his eyes. “It’s my favourite.”

Click here for the final chapter. 🥺

Tagging: @my-only-way-tocooperatewithlife @prrttysposts @alwaysclassyeagle @dr3lover @adalynneva

[tellmegoodbye]

Now that I finally posted my fic, until the end of time, I wanted to make a separate post for the playlist as well!

I shared a couple of these songs for music monday, but I'm going to do a more in depth analysis of the entire playlist, listing each song in order, talking about which lyrics inspired me, and sharing which moments in the fic they reminded me of.

Listen to the full playlist here.

---

Overcome - Nothing But Thieves

This was the first song I connected to 4x18 back when I first started writing this fic back in June of last year. The playlist opens with it because it introduces the overarching theme of choosing love in life's most difficult moments.

Bringer of the calm, your arms wrapped around when the fever took Thought I was gone for good, you brought me back

But I've been thinkin', babe, maybe you're right When you said the pain weathers in time We're just waitin' for a change to follow We don't always get all that we want Redefine the pain to somethin' more And we shall overcome as we've done before

Stay - The People's Thieves

I see these lyrics as a sort of a back and forth between TK and Carlos.

The first verse is TK feeling helpless when he watches Carlos spiral. He knows that he has to wait for Carlos to come around. They'll leave the darkness when he's ready.

The second verse is Carlos understanding his own weakness. He knows he can't fight this alone even if he's too blinded by obsession to admit it. He needs TK (and Owen) to help him escape it.

The chorus is TK and Carlos comforting each other. TK was scared for Carlos, but Carlos came back to him as he always will. Carlos was lost, but he found his way back home to TK.

I can find a place where no one feels the rain We'll huddle while the storm goes Leave here when you say so Hang on I pray the day will come when you can feel the sun And wipe off all the marks of days spent in the dark love Hang on

I'm only just strong enough I'm slowly sinking through the ground below So hold me Just long enough to show me How to find my way back home

Stay When you feel afraid Where you are is where I'll always go When you've lost your way Where you are is where I'll always go

Sleep Deprivation - Chance Peña

This is where Carlos' head is at. He's lost within his grief and relentlessly persuing justice at the same time. He wants to do right by his family, but he can't do that without losing himself in the process. He still needs to realize that he is allowed to slow down to process his grief and take it one day at a time.

Lost and ambitious I've been on a mission I won't stop till I'm done I toss and turn almost every night I pray to God I'm doing right By all my family's wishes Lord knows I miss them Their love outshines the sun

So when I break down I list off the reasons I'm here and I'm still breathing I'm hanging on Try to break ground, make way for tomorrow I'll find a way through the sorrow One day at a time

Discoloration - Dawn Golden

This reminds of the scene where TK is trying to rationalize with Carlos, but Carlos isn't hearing him. He's too sucked into his obsession to see that he isn't alone.

You took my hand and brought me down in the morning And I was sitting waiting for the telephone to swallow me whole

And I watched your mouth moving like a tired machine trying to plead with me. Trying to swallow me whole

And the whites of your eyes blackened with a hardened decay And you talked to me in a broken voice

Fade In / Fade Out - Nothing More

I wrote an analysis on this song here, but I think these lyrics are the perfect encapsulation of Carlos and Gabriel's relationship. A lot of these thoughts would be haunting Carlos in his persuit of Gabriel's killer.

Son, I have watched you fade in You will watch me fade out When the grip leaves my hand I know you won't let me down

Go and find your way Leave me in your wake Always push through the pain And don't run away from change

We all get lost sometimes trying to find what we're looking for

Are You Really Okay? - Sleep Token

(cw: references of self harm)

This is a song about self harm from the outside perspective of a loved one. This is where TK really starts to realize that something is wrong with Carlos, and he doesn't know what to do. Carlos is engaging in his own version of self harm when he refuses to let himself sleep, eat, or grieve.

I raised you in the dark Caught you reading by the sunrise You wandered from the path Through the silence of the hillside

You woke me up one night Dripping crimson on the carpet I saw it in your eyes Cutting deeper than the scars could run

And don't you know I can see it in you even now And don't you know I want to help you but I don't know how And are you really okay?

I cannot fix your wounds this time I don't believe you when you tell me you are fine Please don't hurt yourself again

Promises I Can't Keep - Mike Shinoda

This is probably my favorite song on the entire playlist. In the aftermath of everything that went down, Carlos is in shock. He's upset, but he doesn't really have the chance to process the gravity of the situation until he gets home to TK. It's a feeling of relief mixed with that sinking feeling of realization when he comes back down to earth and his head is finally clear enough for him to see how bad it got, and how bad it almost became. He now has to accept the fact that he may not be able to keep his promise to Gabriel. He may not ever find his killer.

What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit I tried to make it better, but I made it more sick I tried to make it right, now awake at night I know reality was getting in the way

I used to think that I knew who I was Never saw it coming unglued I used to think that I knew who I was Now it's time to see if it's true

I had so much certainty Til that moment I lost control And I've tried but it never was up to me I've got no worse enemy Than the fear of what's still unknown And the time's come to realize there will be Promises I can't keep

I Am Not Who I Was - Chance Peña

Carlos has come to terms with the decisions that he made, and now he has to figure out where that leaves him. Is he still going to be a person TK can love? Is he going to keep going down a path of isolation, or is he going to hold on to what's most important to him? In the fic, he pleads with TK to not give up on him, and of course, this is never a question for TK.

You keep me steady on the ground When my head's lost in the clouds That spotlight, though it shines bright Could never drown you out I know it's hard when I'm away I'll just hope you don't lose faith 'Cause I told the truth when I said to you That I'll be back someday

So if I fly too far Will I still have a place inside your heart? And when you've seen what I've become Will you love me for who I am, not who I was?

Life's Gonna Kill You (If You Let It) - Man-Made Sunshine

TK approaches Carlos with more understanding than most people would have, because he's lost a parent too. He knows just how dark Carlos' thoughts are. And he has the experience to know what to expect. Carlos' grief is different from TK's, but having someone who loves him and who has been there is important when he hits his lowest point and can't see how he can drag himself out of it. TK isn't going to let Carlos get to a point where he can't come back.

You know I see your troubles from a continent away And they take me from my own And I know you feel your mind gets ugly every day And I know you know what it's like to feel insatiably alone

I won't let you get ill, I won't let you give in 'Cause this life will only kill you if you let it Don't you let me get ill, 'cause you know that I will My pain loves the company My life only kills me when I let it Yеah, life's gonna kill you if you let it

Back To One - O.A.R

This song is all about starting over. It's about changing your perspective when life becomes too overwhelming that you start to lose sight of the good things. When Carlos comes home and sees TK, his whole world who was right there waiting for him all long, he's reminded of the love he still has, and the happiness that he still has the ability to feel. He is not entirely lost. Looking back on his father's death isn't going to help him move forward. And moving forward isn't forgetting either. This song is an anthem of what it means to live through the worst moments of your life, and that's what Carlos is learning how to do. Live.

I see you there, but you don't look right You got a ten-mile stare in your eyes tonight Time ain't fair, like it used to be

We're all dressed up, nowhere to go We lost our way, about halfway home And we hurt the ones who get too close

Don't look back, you'll never find your way There's a million different people Who break the same way When everything has come undone We got to bring it back to one

I know forever always asks so much Don't you let it scare you, don't you lose your touch When your still waters start to run, bring it back to one

Can I Sleep In Your Arms - Willie Nelson

This is the song TK and Carlos were dancing to in the fic! I chose it for a couple reasons. I have my own (vague) hcs of the kind of music TK and Carlos like, and I do think there is some portion of Carlos' music taste that is dedicated to older stuff. I see him listening to old country loves songs like this one as a kid and imagining the day he'd find a love like that of his own. He found it with TK. He fought to hang on to it because this thing that he has with TK is so beautiful and precious, that he'll be damned if he ever lets it go.

In regards to the actual lyrics, this song is simply about how when you fall down, when you struggle, the person who loves you is always going to be right there by your side to help you get back on your feet. It's a song about healing, comfort in weakness, and devotion.

Can I sleep in your arms tonight, lady? It's so cold lying here all alone And I have no hold to hold on you And I assure you, I'll do you no wrong

Meet The Moonlight - Jack Johnson

This is a callback to the theme of choosing love. Carlos lost sight of it momentarily, and couldn't see a world where he could exist outside of this mission that he was on. But he can. He can choose to live and to pormise himself to TK forever. His dreams that he couldn't allow himself to have most of his life are still real and attainable. He can take control of his destiny.

Well, you can meet the moonlight Any night you really wanna It's waiting in your own backyard You can make the flame Meet the kindling, make the fire Don't let anybody say it's too hard

It's funny how blind dreams can be It seems like they look off too far But it's good to be right here It's good not to miss too many chances to follow love

Emerald Eyes - Anson Seabra

I didn't include any moments from the actual wedding in this fic because it would have defeated the purpose of the whole thing, but I do love this song for the wedding in particular. Carlos is looking at TK, this man who he loves with everything he has, who he's been through hell and back with - and he knows that this is meant to be. He knows their love is strong enough to survive anything. The road to their wedding wasn't easy, but now he's here and now he gets to take it all in. He gets to have forever with him.

A subtle breeze, it's you and me Chest to chest, no in between And every moment's better than the last Anything and everything That I could ever want and need Is standing right beside me in the grass

The birds they sang a melody My heart was keeping time and we Were dancing on the edge of something new Slow at first but still it seems That we'll go down in history As lovers from the start, just me and you

'Cause I've spent a thousand nights Lost in your emerald eyes Lost in a place where I know You can see my soul Make me lose track of time You and your emerald eyes Finally found a place that I can call my home

Tennessee Whiskey - Chris Stapleton

I had to include at least one song that had a somewhat sexy vibe, and this was it. This is the way it feels for TK and Carlos when they go home and give themselves over to each other as hubsands with a foundation of years of pining, building trust, heartache, and every obstacle in between. No matter what happens or where they go, the love that they have is never going to die.

But you rescued me from reachin' for the bottom And brought me back from being too far gone

You're as smooth As Tennessee whiskey You're as sweet As strawberry wine You're as warm As a glass of brandy And honey, I stay stoned on your love All the time

Baby I'm Yours - Arctic Monkeys

This is the "end credits" song. We revisit the theme of choosing to live. After this entire journey it all comes back to the love Carlos feels when he's with TK. He makes a promise not only to TK, but to himself, that no matter what happens or where life takes them, he will always remember this feeling.

Also, I saw that the fic title was a lyric in this song (this was on accident, I didn't come up with that title with any song in mind) and I knew I had to include it!

Baby, I'm yours And I'll be yours until the stars fall from the sky, Yours, until the rivers all run dry In other words, until I die

Baby, I'm yours And I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines, Yours, until the poets run out of rhyme In other words, until the end of time

I'm gonna stay right here by your side, Do my best to keep you satisfied Nothin' in the world could drive me away 'Cause every day, you'll hear me say Baby, I'm yours And I'll be yours until two and two is three, Yours, until the mountains crumble to the sea In other words, until eternity

Bonus: I ended up removing the song only because I didn't like how it affected the overall flow of the playlist. But an alternative "end credits" song is Adore by Prince. The lyric "until the end of time" also makes an appearance in that, and it's a song about loving someone and knowing that love will never go away.

Tagging some people who've read the fic in case y'all are interested in song analysis. I also just wanted to thank you all for being so wonderful and supportive and leaving such lovely comments. Y'all are the best. ♡

@herefortarlos @strandnreyes @sapphic--kiwi @paperstorm @firstprince-history-huh @literateowl @ironheartwriter @theghostofashton @nisbanisba

Also tagging some people who expressed interest in this fic. If you want something to listen to while you read, here you go!

@heartstringsduet @lightningboltreader @reyesstrand @emsprovisions @lemonlyman-dotcom @carlos-in-glasses @butchreyes @whatsintheboxmh

This can also double as an inspiration saturday tag. I should really participate in that more often, but I think this counts so consider yourselves tagged!