pastelmusix

[brennan-lee-mother]

Newer Dimension 20 fans might look at Liv attempting to hack Usha’s brain by crushing it just the perfect amount and think “this is completely unhinged and obviously totally unprecedented”, but it is actually no less than the fifth time a PC has done impromptu untrained surgery on another character, the third time on another PC, in D20 history.

So, safe to say it’s practically par for the course at this point.

[tana-draws]

fun fact up until like a year and a half to two years ago I thought when you had a vasectomy they just cut off the balls.

I only learnt the error of my ways because my dad and brother and I were rewatching the office episode Dinner Party and Michael was like “you do not know the toll four vasectomies has on a person” I offhandedly asked my dad (a doctor) how a person can have a vasectomy undone, like if they just freeze them and sew them back on, and he stared at me dumbfounded.

[what-marsha-eats]

[buggoblin]

one thing about an Emily Henry book is she is going to make SURE you know that her characters aren’t going to get pregnant

[throwing-roses-into-the-abyss]

kanoon has been a dad for a few months at most and is already like "never again" klfsdjfkdhgd

[spideyhexx]

looking up the rules of poker😔

[the-one-and-only-overlass]

me, talking to my brother about worm: so, there's this character named scapegoat, who can transfer injuries from other people to himself and vice versa-

my brother: could he transfer cancer?

me: sure, i don't see why no-

my brother: what if he took someone's cervical cancer?

me: *stunned*

my brother: wait could he transfer someone's vasectomy to himself? and then to someone else? wait what if he transferred someone's tied fallopian tubes to himself? could he reverse neuter a dog by neutering himself? what if he had his balls cut off and transferred that to someone without balls? negative balls? could he get infinite balls?

me: what the fuck

my brother: no it's a serious question. like what if he lost his hand and transferred that to someone without that hand? would they lose the other hand? would someone's hand dominance matter?

me: ok so my assumption based on how it's described in the story is that the injury would probably just get deleted. gone. no effect.

my brother: wait. what if he transferred someone's hysterectomy to himself?

me: well it would probably just get deleted however there's an incredibly funny possibility that it gets stored in some kind of buffer and he grows a uterus as soon as it's transferred to someone else

my brother: what if he had one ball chopped off and someone else had the same ball chopped off and he transferred that to them?

me: that's just the arm question again

my brother: yeah but it's funnier because it's balls. also there's more of an argument for balls being of equal value to each other because people don't have dominant balls

me: that's assuming the 'injury value' theory holds any weight. and i'm the one who's read worm here, so. no. no it don't.

[tossawary]

This is a very niche fic idea that I have no solid intention of actually writing, but... "Naruto" has more than a few self-insert fics and some of them are transmigrations into canon characters. Some of them are about OCs who do not want to be a ninja and are desperately trying to get out of it. There's usually some deliciously frustrating tragedy and horror about the brutal and inescapable military system of Konoha.

So, I thought that it would be kind of interesting to do an OC-insert into Sasuke, probably ultimately more comedic than angsty, as the OC tries to fail out of having to become a ninja, but then has to struggle against the fact that a civilian Sasuke would probably be expected to start a new Uchiha clan ASAP. (They probably have to concede to at least becoming a genin for the benefits of legal adulthood of some kind at 12 years old, even if it means being a part of the damn military.)

But even if the OC would personally love to be a parent someday, they cannot condone participating in what's essentially a breeding program for a new generation of Sharingan-wielding super-soldiers. Children who are probably going to be chewed up and spat out by Konoha someday too.

I think it would be neat to have a character treat the Sharingan like a genetic disorder that they don't want a child to suffer. I think it would have been interesting if canon Sasuke had also wrestled with the idea of letting the Sharingan die out. Fuck it, he'll adopt if he wants to be a dad someday. I also think it would be funny to have an OC-insert whose goal is to get a secret vasectomy (body autonomy!) without the leadership of Konoha finding out.

Sasuke, as soon as Sakura becomes a medical nin: "I need you to do me a huge secret favor and NOT be weird about it."

Sakura, also still currently a teenager: "You're asking me to CASTRATE YOU, AT HOME, IN SECRET, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE WEIRD ABOUT THIS?!"

(And there's the whole fucking issue of the "Naruto" universe having cloning, so, no, a vasectomy isn't a solid guarantee of getting out of this. But it might buy Sasuke a few years to figure out how to avoid the mad science route too if anyone tries to force marriage on him at any point.)

Even throwing aside the issue of children, even in an AU where the OC-Insert is cool with having bio children, I think it would be really funny to have a Transmigrator Sasuke announcing outright in the first Team 7 meeting that his dream is to retire super early and become a shinobi tradwife to a super strong ninja.

Kakashi: "...What?"

Sasuke, possibly talking out of his ass to troll his team and because he's already spitefully exhausted: "I said what I said. I'm the only Uchiha left to pass on my clan's techniques, so my dream is to be a stay-at-home ninja, supported by a super strong spouse who can protect my family."

I think this would break Naruto and Sakura's brains. ("Marry Hokage Naruto" is not the worst plan that a transmigrator could come up with, probably.) I think that this would be a super funny start to a Team 7 OT3 in which Naruto and Sakura become rivals for the position of Sasuke's shinobi sugar daddy/mommy. (Naruto doesn't consciously realize that he's competing for Sasuke's hand in marriage at first, but he gets it after a few years or so.)

Kakashi is... So Tired. Obito, are you seeing this shit??? What the fuck.

I know some OC-insert / SI-insert into Sasuke fics exist, I just think the funniest plot direction for a transmigrator in this situation would be to completely bail on both the "take revenge on Itachi" and "rebuild the Uchiha clan" dreams in the least macho ways available.

Also, what WOULD Itachi think of Sasuke abruptly deciding to give up on revenge and to become a house husband instead?

[inkyquince]

I just saw a post about parents building their son a cool new bed and being excited for him and his special interest is dinosaurs and you can tell and I was hit by insane baby fever

So I'm just thinking about Eden, hand making your kid's bed. Carving each piece of wood, whittling tiny designs in it. Your kid is getting too big for the cot and he'd rather die than have them in bed with you two so he sits, bare foot and surrounded by different pieces of lumber, perfectly measured to slot together and puts it all together.

Avery, who orders your kid a new bed, making sure it's one of the cool ones. A bunk bed with a lil play area underneath, with safe stairs for them to climb down from instead of a ladder. He bought the cot and made sure it was aesthetically pleasant, soft white painted wood and all pretty but loves your kid enough to indulge. Has other people build it while they're at school but watches you excitedly set up the play area and tucking their toys in and making up the bed. Something in him feels it's because you didn't get to be excited about a new bed. The other part brushes it over and kisses the back of your neck.

Wren yelling fuck as he hammers his thumb again. Grumbling loudly. Whines for a kiss every time you pop your head in. Wren was going to buy a cheap IKEA bed and make it up cool but Remy caught wind and sent over one of those fucking beds that takes forever to put together, has drawers built into it, everything. Remy smoothly told you it's because he makes sure his people are happy but Wren knows for a fuckin fact that it's because he already owned it and wanted to get it out of the manor. He's more excited to pick out sheets and new toys, because a kid needs a cool fuckin bed!

Bailey leaving halfway through, crumpling up the instructions. Snaps at you to leave him alone when he leaves the house. You feel uneasy, and try to take over, but shit, it's complicated... Where the hell is slot G? What's rod C? Its not even funny to make it into a sex joke anymore. You sit there, desperately checking the time, wanting your kid to get to come home to a upgraded bed after nagging Bailey to stop being a cheapskate. Then the door flings open and arguing voices spill over each other. The asshole drags his friends who all currently owe him a favour in, making them help him or god HELP THEM, he will start throwing hands. Briar idly questions your choice in the design, as Harper SWEATS, bullied into being the one who holds up the balancing edge of the bed frame. Remy and Bailey arguing about instructions and are so close to hitting each other until Wren smugly points out they've been reading it upside down. When it's actually put together, they all go to the kitchen and steal your beers as Briar stays behind and idly watches you make up the bed, offering tips on how to make it look cosier.

And of course your kid lets themselves in with their key, ignores all the men who did the work and flings themselves into your arms, babbling out thanks yous for the cool new bed! The ensemble quietly reminds each other to get vasectomies and Bailey just gives you the evil eye.

[pfhwrittes]

child free!reader thoughts that have been bubbling away in the brain soup document below the cut.

kyle garrick x gn!reader but with appearances from john price, john mactavish, simon riley and the beloathed brandon (who i've shamelessly stolen from @dragonnarrative-writes)

tags/warnings: pregnancy mention right at the end of the fic (not the reader character), fluff, vague allusions to eating at restaurants (non descriptive).

(banner by @/cafekitsune)

child free!reader who has "child free, that means i don't want kids - not even yours!" as the first line on their dating profile.

child free!reader who goes on a date with john price. he's charming, polite and funny. john tells you early doors that he misread your profile but he didn't want to be rude and cancel the date on short notice so he hopes you don't mind sharing a meal with him. you don't mind as he's good company and takes care of the bill like a gentleman and apologises for wasting your time. you part ways amicably and both wish each other well with the dating scene.

child free!reader whose next date is with john mactavish. he says he doesn't mind if you call him johnny. he's good company and makes you laugh so hard that other people in the restaurant look over at your table. you're having a great time but he brings up his flatmate simon an awful lot. you end up gently suggesting that maybe johnny would prefer to take simon out for dinner instead. johnny gapes at you like a fish for a minute before realising, that yeah, he really would. you exchange numbers at the end of the date and ask him to keep you in the loop with how things go with the mysterious simon.

child free!reader who goes on a date with brandon. it's a crap date. he's late, doesn't apologise, presumes you want to head back to his place and gets annoyed when you pull the brakes on the whole thing. brandon then tells you that he doesn't care any way as he has to pick up his kid from their mum's house in the morning. you leave him to foot the bill and call johnny on your way home to complain about how crap the date was and how you should never have agreed to go on a date that your friend vouched for.

child free!reader who goes out to brunch with johnny and simon the following weekend. you spend a good portion of the brunch watching johnny lean up against simon with a little smile on your face and waggle your eyebrows knowingly when simon steps outside to smoke a cigarette. when simon rejoins you both, you tell them how you're considering deleting your dating profile and embracing singledom forever. simon makes you promise to keep your profile for at least another three days which is weirdly specific but you agree.

child free!reader who gets a message on the dating profile from kyle garrick two days later. you're pretty blunt about not wanting kids and how you won't change your mind and neither are you looking for some short term fling. despite that, kyle is friendly, funny and a little bit flirty over messages so you agree to go out on a date with him. he's even prettier in person than in his photos. kyle is flirty without being pushy, asks you questions about your hobbies without prompting, and he admits that it was simon that gave him a gentle push to message you when you explain that a friend stopped you from deleting your profile before agreeing to go on a date with him.

child free!reader who agrees to go on a second date with kyle after he tells you that he got a vasectomy at 21 because he knew even then that he never wanted to be a dad.

child free!reader that messages the group chat you have with simon and johnny absolutely gushing about kyle's eyes, arms and smile. johnny replies with endless eggplant emojis and simon sends a singular thumbs up.

child free!reader that after four fantastic dates (and one mind blowing night together) decides to delete their dating profile after kyle sleepily mumbles into your neck about wanting to be exclusive.

(and a little bonus scene that i just can't scrap)

child free!reader who goes as kyle's plus one to john price's wedding a year later and you both laugh yourselves silly when you tell your boyfriend that you went out on a very nice date with the groom once upon a time. you toast the bride with matching flutes of a non-alcoholic mocktail as she rests her hand on her very pregnant stomach at the sweetheart table she shares with her new husband.

[tarjapearce]

I don't know if you ever answered this, but did Mama have weird cravings with the babies? I know my mama was always wanting watermelon slushies and shaved ice, or the occasional slice of lasagna and milk (both of which she hated before getting pregnant,how her dad realized she was pregnant) I like to imagine Miguel's confusion if she suddenly starts wanting something random before they know for sure each time she got pregnant

Hehehe 👀

The perfect time to introduce our 🌹

Pregnancies never ceased to amaze Miguel. Specially when it came to foods. You'd wake him up at deep in night hours to get you the most random things to eat.

When you were pregnant with Gabriella, you'd wake him up, crying cause you didn't have pickles, and you wanted pickles. He'd go to the closest convenient store, sleep still clinging to him as he brought you two jars of them.

To his horror, you'd dip the pickles in the sweet gooeyness of the Nutella jar and eat them with such contempt it made you cry out of happiness.

With Benjamin, it wasn't pickles with Nutella, but jalapeños and peanut butter. He'd had to hide the can of jalapeños from the fridge, partially cause he wasn't sure if it was good to eat that much of spiciness. But would end up giving them back cause you cried over them while calling him mean for hiding your food.

His suspicions of you being pregnant again just rose when he'd often find you at two am, scourging the fridge, eating mozzarella cheese sticks or any charcuterie cheese you had, smeared in dulce de leche.

It was endearing for him watching you eating the pieces with such delight that he'd secretly buy you good quality things when you were running out of them.

You'd cuddle him with a bottle of the sweet spread in one hand and the cheese stick in the other. Gabriella couldn't help but scrunch her nose in disgust at the combination.

---

The pregnancy test was irrelevant at this point. He just made an appointment with the doctor to check everything was okay.

"I want another girl."

His hand rubbed your lower belly, and kissed your cheek.

"What about twins?"

"Ay Jesus..."

He chuckled.

"Relax, whatever comes, I'll be happy. "

"Told you I was giving you a bunch of kids."

He nodded with a bashful smile.

"You did."

"This is our last baby though."

"Who knows" He smirked and you slapped his shoulder softly.

"Stop! You're not the one getting your belly expanding like a balloon!"

"I'm joking, cariño. Might get a vasectomy, though"

"I'll get my tubes tied up."

"You sure?"

You nodded at his question.

"Yeah. Three kids is more than enough"

"What if it's a girl?"

You snuggled against his chest as he caressed your hair.

" Her name will be Rosie. I love it, Gabi picked it actually."

"Rosita." He mumbled and chuckled, "I'm calling her Rosita Fresita" (Strawberry Shortcake)

"But what if it's a boy?"

"Leonardo?"

"Absolutely no."

"Emanuel?"

He snorted as you pouted "Not funny."

"Sorry, sorry. We'll come up with something"

You just giggled.

"If it's a girl Gabi will be over the moon."

---

Jessica

JESSICAAA

Jessi Jessi guess what?

Sorry, was busy. How's it going, hun?

🤰

...

For real? Like For real real?

Yup! Just came from the medical check

Girl... You and Miguel need a new hobby

Or a new tv

😂😂 Betch.

😘😘

It's gonna be a girl!!

SHUT UP

🥹❤️

😊

I'm so excited for you, Mama!

[thebearer]

can we get a blurb of carmy post vasectomy??? like her picking him up and giving him ice and everything.

"There he is." You grin, opening the car door when Carmen walked out. His face says it all, a grimace of discomfort that has you cooing at him sweetly.

"Hi, baby." You mutter, reaching up to kiss his cheek gently, taking the jacket from off his arm carefully.

"Hi, honey." Carmen mutters, the ice pack firm on his groin. Normally, he'd be mortified, holding ice to his crotch in public, but he was too uncomfortable to care. The numbing shot had helped at the beginning but now, it was starting to wear, and the stretched ache of skin in his groin area was coming back.

Carmen stood, grunting in a low huff as he shuffled towards the passenger side. You shut the door after him, sliding into the driver's side, eyes lighting up when he saw the little care package you'd put together on the floor board.

"How're you feeling?" You asked, pulling off the curb of the clinic.

"Not too bad. Just feels... weird." Carmen shrugged, grunting and looking down at the basket. "What's this?" You could practically hear the grin on his face, eyes cutting towards him.

"Just a little something for you, baby." You purr with a grin, flicking on your turn signal at the light. "A little care package for you. To help you feel better."

"Sorry About Your Ding-Dongs." Carmen read the post-it slapped over the Hostess box with an amused snort. "Funny."

"I thought so." You hummed, leaning over the arm rest to look at him. "Richie did too."

"Yeah? He pick the No More Kids?" Carmen asked, raising the box of Sour Patch Kids with a post-it covering it. "Or the Fire Balls?" He lifted the two shots up to you with a grin.

"He actually did the bag of peanuts at the bottom." You nod towards the basket. "The one that says In Case You Need To Bust A Nut. Fak did the Fire Balls."

Carmen laughed, shifting carefully to set the basket back down. "Hey, look at me." He muttered, leaning over the console when you rolled to a stop at a red light.

Your cheeks heated meeting his dazzling blue eyes, lips curling in a soft smile. "Love you, baby. Thank you." Carmen muttered, leaning in towards you.

"Thank me?" You grinned, tilting your head to the side. "Think I'm supposed to be thanking you, Bear. You're the one who took the snip."

"Nah, no way, c'mon." Carmen shook his head. "You gave me two babies, don't even. Least I could do after that, and you know it." You blushed, head lulling back into the seat when you looked at him- all starry eyed and in love.

"Well, thank you anyways. Can finally throw my birth control out." You grin, grabbing his hand on the console while you drove.

"Yeah? Have to wait a week, baby." Carmen muttered, voice falling slightly. "Doctor said I could like tear my scrotum or some shit."

"Yikes." You suck in a breath, looking over at him. "Well, I'll make sure to cover up then."

"Won't matter." Carmen shrugged, thumb running over your hand. "Get me hard all the time. Just thinkin' about you." Grinning at the laugh you gave him.

[bi-writes]

OMG, Simon getting a vasectomy for MOB! My fiancé just had one, and it was a funny experience. In short, they had me in the room (I didn't watch, sat in a chair in the corner) to help him get undressed and dressed again, and I also took it upon myself to keep him talking and avoiding thinking about what they were doing. He said some wild things (including talking about Chuck-E Cheese) because he was prescribed Valium for the nerves.

fun, fast, and freeing ;)

we love supportive men !!!!!!

[morehousebites]

Quotes as House MD

Random shit my friends have said as House MD

for contex, I'm in training to get my Medical Assistant certification and most of my friends are also in/going into the medical field

House:

My mysteries are falling out

Can't a mortal want for death?

That's assault. Don't make me elevate it to battery

No no, don't be embarrassed, you all did bad

I'm going to Hell AND I have to pay with quarters? This is the worst day ever!

It's only like the fourth gayest sport. Behind football, chess, and competitive pole dancing

Either kill yourself or get over it

Don't touch these without gloves, they will irritate your tits

Well y'know, some people come out of the closet, [Chase] goes into the closet

I only let my [fellows] teethe on them occasionally. They're mostly slobber-free

Am I not writing right now? With my words? Like a poet?

You're a sick degenerate fuck! I like you

OSHA is for pussies

I can hurt you and then it will have to be my fault

I'm American I'm entitled to piss where I want

Happy erection day. Your penis hard?

I LOVE bullying children

Sorry ladies, this cock is all mine

It's not abuse if they're living. That's why you kill them first

Chase:

Being lesbian is masochist (referring to Thirteen)

As the youth are fond of saying these days: dope, sick nasty.

I'm a cunt not a whore

He's fat, he needs a vasectomy

She's 14, her uterus is gonna wither up

My dad has a PhD in Jesus

I don't even have a thought process

Ow, don't hit me, you're ugly

The part I'm confused on.... Is all of it?

Victim blaming, it's the right thing to do

Ketchup is such a good moisturizer

Aw man that sucked ass, I guess I'll just die hairy

No sin here, move along

Cameron:

I'm not a lesbian, stay away from me

Numbers, organs, same thing. What am I, a doctor? A medical student?

Not gonna lie I kinda like heroin

Them's the house rules, and I'm the coolest bitch

Wow she's pretty! Oh she's dying

Do you not want to smoke weed on the bus to the hospital?

Not even in a sexual way just vulvas are dope

Shawty is a state of mind

Honey no one wants your organs

Alright I'm gonna go finish my work and disappoint [House]

They can't know I'm a freak YET

Supportive parents? In this economy?

I can't cry cause the makeup's too slay

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine was a man

Gravity is a bitch sometimes

Pleasure myself, weep, and repeat

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me that, I could actually afford therapy

This is pirated, by the way

I've got my own knives: they're called fingers and I swear to god if he talks to me again they are going in his eyes

Foreman:

I'm no one's babygirl, I'm someone's baby MAN

I can ethically own him in the free market space of debate

You think you have rights here? This is [the hospital]

You're taking a speed bump at 5 miles an hour, I'm gonna actually enjoy my life

There is no opinions on the gays

You spilled spaghetti on the church?! (directed at Chase)

That's not a hehe moment

Do any of you... Hear in the ears?

Infidelity ain't lookin so good right now

I'd be full of shit if I told you I knew the answer all the time

I sympathize with you but you're making funny noises

THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED THE WHOLE TIME AND I SLITHERED THROUGH THE WINDOW?!

Don't antagonize drunk old men who hate you

[weepynymph]

Gilmore girls boyfriend ranking (these are my opinions you are allowed to disagree but like don’t yell at me please I’m fragile)

1. Dave (my beloved has never done anything wrong in his life ever)

2. Jess (he screws up A LOT but he gains points for s6 and for being my little meow meow)

3. Morey (he serenades his wife daily, need I say more?)

4. Kirk (10/10 devotion will not even LOOK at another woman even if it mean crossing the street with his eyes closed)

5. Luke (I love him he waited EIGHT YEARS for her but he loses points for s6/7)

6. Richard (he screws up sometimes but he’s Emily’s no.1 fan devoted 4 life they’re made for each other)

7. Max (good guy had rizz but just not The Guy unfortunately)

8. Alex (it’s billy burke the only reason he’s not higher is we barely see him but he is good vibes and like the only guy we see get on with lorelai’s friends)

9. Jason (funny but not The Guy, plus kinda a snob. I like Jason though he’s entertaining, even if the idea of him and Lorelai actually having sex does not compute in my brain AT ALL)

10. Jamie (he was sweet and kinda deserved better tbh still a little boring)

11. Doyle (devoted and entertaining but a little boring at times - I wanted more for Paris)

12. Marty (we all know a Marty and I hate to say it but I think he’d be a terrible boyfriend and a bad kisser)

13. Jackson (mad points lost for lying about having a vasectomy that was not cool man)

14. Henry (he bailed on lane - fool)

15. Logan (I’m sorry but he loses SO MANY points for gaslighting those scenes trigger me so hard)

16. Tristan (he loses points for actual harassment but at least he’s mildly complex)

17. Zach (I hate him)

18. Christopher (no)

19. Dean (the hardest no)

20. Asher (die)

I’ve probably forgotten someone I made this in a fever dream like four months ago and decided to post it on a whim lol

[seri-41]

DFO HEADCANONS

Cuz I’m depressed af about CH423

- AFO likes to cook for his family. He can make katsudon and eggs. That’s it. Because he only learned to cook Yoichi’s favourite food. They appreciate the effort tho.

- Izuku is pretty short for his age, but he suddenly has a growth spurt at UA and now he’s taller than half the school. He almost gave Inko a heart attack when he came home.

- AFO likes to spoil his son and give him a big allowance. Funny thing is, Izuku spends it all on limited addition All Might merch, making the blond oaf richer lmao.

- Izuku wasn’t always AFOs first name choice. Yoichi (surprise, surprise) was a close second.

- When Inko got pregnant AFO freaked out because he “was a century old” and had such dry nuts he shouldn’t have been able to conceive in the first place. Izuku might have been a miracle baby. (Or maybe AFO had a vasectomy in the past to not have any children but Izuku happened 🤷‍♀️)

- The Doctor was so shocked Inko got pregnant he did like ten paternity tests because he refused to believe it belonged to his beloved master.

- AFO loves LOVES villain jokes. Much to Izuku’s embarrassment. “Why don’t villains ever get lost? Because they always follow their evil plans!” 😭

- He probably has business cards that say “All For One: Quirk Consultant. A Quirk in exchange for your loyalty 😃”. Maybe he has fliers too?

- AFO is a big fan of siblings. He even encouraged Nana’s son to have more kids. Maybe he wanted to give Izuku a sibling but had his face punched in.

- Izuku didn’t tell his father he got a quirk, nor did he tell him about UA because he knew his dad would disapprove and talk him out of it. When AFO watched his son at the sports festival and got the tuition bill, let’s say he was not a very happy man.

- When Izuku found out AFO was his father, he probably changed his contact info from “Dad 😃” to “Sperm donor 🤡”. Then he blocked him. Kept his emails open tho to keep getting that monthly allowance via direct deposit. Shoto Todoroki couldn’t be more proud.