#funny rant

[calamaroo]

You know what never ceases to amaze me about Octonauts? It's that Captain Barnacles, a polar bear, is my all time favorite character.

Hi, my name is calamaroo, and I am DEATHLY AFRAID OF BEARS, to the point I'd personally consider it nearly a phobia (teddy bears/stuffed animals are fine, but just the sound or pictures of a bear of any kind gives me chills)

Lemme trauma dump for a second:

I have had two traumatic experiences with bears.

1. When I was little, I watched a Little Einsteins movie/special where the main antagonist was a polar bear. IT. WAS. AWFUL. The music that accompanied that bear has SCARRED ME SO BAD, I STILL REFUSE TO WATCH IT TO THIS DAY.

2. The bear monster from the movie Annihilation WAS THE WORST THING IVE EVER SEEN. WTF WAS THAT???? WHO'S TWISTED MIND THOUGHT OF THAT AWFUL CREATION???? BEARS ARE ALREADY TERRIFYING, BUT THEY ARE DEFINITELY NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE NO FACE AND MIMIC THE LAST WORDS OF THEIR VICTIMS!!!!! I will never watch that movie again (the whole movie was an existential and eerie mess, but that was the worst part personally)

IVE NEVER MET A BEAR IRL. THE NEAREST BEAR IS AT THE ZOO 5 HOURS AWAY. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT LITERALLY KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT?? THE DEBILITATING FEAR THAT A HORRIBLE, TEN FOOT TALL, 800 POUND MONSTER WILL MATERIALIZE IN MY LIVING ROOM AND MURDER ME.

FREAKING POLAR BEARS TOO??? WHO SAID THEY SHOULD BE 12 FEET TALL??? AND ACTIVELY HUNT HUMANS IN THE WILD??? They are massive, horrible, yet amazing monsters built to withstand one of the harshest climates to exist, and they are so morbidly fascination

AND, bears are so deceptive!! Why be so friend shaped and look so lovable and be so fluffy and have cute ears when can eat me?? CAN RIP ME TO SHREDS??

Anyway. Barnacles is my pookie and I wanna give him kisses

Thank you for coming to ted talk

[theskeleman]

Physics are just the rules that make this universe extremely boring. You could shoot lightning from your fingers but then Dirk Dinglus, P.h.D comes in and goes “well that’s not PHYSICALLY possible” well you know what screw you this is why we can’t have nice things and god is mad at us

[isuckatgaymes]

ok random question but why tf in his phone fling is seth like "hehehe answer my riddles three and you may get a photo of me sitting in a chair" but in the game he's like "IM THE FUCKING DEVIL FROM THE FUCKING BIBLE AND IM GONNA KILL YOU also im gonna do a little bit of rhyming"

he's still one of my favs but like what's that about

[keeper-of-magic]

hey we all know how good revenge narratives are, right?

and how unsatisfactory most anti-revenge narratives are, right?

well, turns out there is a REALLY good anti-revenge narrative, and that's "my desire for revenge is going to either make me go insane or get me killed. i have more important things to do than revenge, so i won't. i have every right to! i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to as well! but i won't. because it's tearing me apart."

even better if the person who your trying to get revenge against also has such a grudge, and in your distancing, you defeat them not in hard, grueling battle of "who's desire for success, who's absolute obsession is stronger?" but instead... just letting them tear themselves to pieces, as you leave them behind.

@angelofchaos001 @doodlebug091 @transgenderprototype

thank you Ishmael limbus company and Jason "he who fights with monsters" Asano, for bringing these absolutly hard to write but gold if they work naratives about how self destructive a desire for revenge is.

[urmultideadfandomperson]

Bro is my username srsly that long??? 😭

[iveeaten3humanorganz]

I keep drinking soy sauce. LIKE IM STRAIGHT TAKING SHOTS HELLO?? WHAT AM I DOING.

[phatdonutbear]

Rant Against the Sonic Fanbase, but it's [[1997]]

[[Okie dokie!]] THAT IS IT! THIS IS THE FINAL [[Flav-R-Straw]]! I’VE HAD IT WITH ALL YOU FRICKIN’ [[Trolls]] AND ALL YOU FRICKIN’ HATERS AND ALL YOU FRICKIN [[Moss eater]] FAN FRICKS. YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES THAT [[Spoiled]] [[Deltarune]] FOR EVERYONE! CANT YOU SEE THAT? WHAT THE [[Fifty percent off]]! ARE YOU GUYS DOING! ASKING FOR ALL THIS FRICKING GARBAGE- WHY DO WE NEED [[Dragon Blazers]]? WHY DO WE NEED [[Deltarune]] 3? WHY DO WE NEED ANOTHER [[Pay]] TO WIN TITLE? WHY DO WE NEED A [[Deltarune]] 2006 SEQUEL? WHY DO WE NEED ALL THAT? CANT WE HAVE A [[3D ENVIRONMENT CLASSIC]] GAME FOR CRYING OUT FRICKIN LOUD! YOU GUYS KILLED THE [[Deltarune]] SERIES ALL YOU FRICKIN FAN FRICKS AND YOUR FRICKIN [[Deep. Dark. Fantasies.]] SPEWED OUT AT YOU BY FRICKIN POO [[Merchandise]] !!! I’M TIRED OF ALL YOU FRICKS! I’M SO FRICKIN MAD! I’M SO FRICKIN MAD- I MEAN, YOU GUYS- YOU GUYS HAVE OFFICIALLY MADE ME LOSE MY [[Pipis]]! WHY CANT YOU GUYS JUST ASK FOR A [[3D ENVIRONMENT CLASSIC]] GAME! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE! (Punches trash can) I’M SURE NO [[FAN]] PREDICT- WOULD PREDICT-

WOULD PREDICT-

WOULD PREDICT-

WOULD PREDICT-

WOULD PREDICT-

[[Hyperlink blocked]]

THAT THE ADVENTURE- THE ADVENTURE FANTASIZES WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING! [BREATHING HEAVILY] AND NOW- AND NOW I BET BY NOW THAT [[Tony]] [[Box]] HAS GOT A FREAKIN [[Deltarune]] 3 IN DEVELOPMENT WITH [[Goldie Locks]] TEAM BECAUSE YOU FRICKIN FRICKS CAN’T EVER, BE [[Quenched with a fresh drink!]]. YOUR FANTASIES CAN’T EVER BE QUENCHED- CAN THEY? YOU FRICKIN FRICKS. WHEN WILL YOU [[LEARN..]] WHEN WILL YOU LEARN...

THAT YOUR [[ACTIONS]] HAVE [[CONSEQUENCES]]!? YOU GUYS KEEP ON ASKING FOR [[Deltarune]] 3! YOU’RE RUINING THE [[Moss eating]] SERIES- HASN’T IT ALREADY SUFFERED ENOUGH!?

[mousyjay]

This post is a cry for help. I think im addicted to Otome games, but more specifically im addicted to Voltage’s mobile otome games. This can be the only explanation. Tell me why I will confidently overpay for stories that are not worth the $20 I’m putting into them, sinking money I don’t have, when I have a backlog of console otome games that are longer and don’t cost any additional money to play. Why am I doing this??? I think I must be addicted. Why does Voltage have me in an absolute chokehold???

Anyways just played Masquerade Kiss Yuzuru’s route on Love365 and I’m absolutely obsessed. Currently trying to justify spending even more money on it so I can read all of Season 1 tomorrow , because “I’ll be good and won’t buy any Season 2 till next month” 💀

Seriously send help oml. I guess it’s true you can’t escape your roots 😅

[raccoongodapollo]

this is almost entirely unrelated but i recently learned that 30-50% of people don't have internal dialogues, and idk how accurate that statidtic is so don't quote me,, but it scares me. like i just found out that my fiancé doesn't but he still has like extreme anxiety and adhd and im just like??? how do you exist without all the voices in your brain screaming bloody murder at you, i thought that was a big part of it. is this just a me problem? like ik you can think in pictures too, i do that with the words, and ik that how you think doesn't affect intelligence, but he doesn't even really do either apparently? its both mildly impressive and terrifying for how much he thinks. like thinking itself i always thought was just talking in your mind and imagining shit which some people can't do which like okay but is it just like, feelings??? like i am literally hearing my voice say these words in my head as i write and reread them. how do you critically think which i've seen you do? how do you hear the self-deprecating or intrusive thoughts that plague us both? is it just the talking outloud which helps? (i do that too?) this is so interesting, i have so many questions. i want to root around in your brain like experimental jello with my fingers. give me your mind rlq, just curious, i need an excuse to wear this new labcoat and glove set you i got for my birthday anyways. it'll just feel like a really good massage, think Dr. Finkelstein from Nightmare before Christmas scratching his brain real good but with more nail, just real fast. we can get pizza and gelato and watch Steven Universe afterwords :3

[fruitfulchaos]

I've never had to deal with copycats but now, the anger I feel when someone I know copies my joke (in whatever form) and they get laughs for it... BITCH!!! If you think I'm funny, just tell me or get your own trauma to become funny!!

Next time I hear or read my words somewhere and there isn't APA-7th-edition-citation credit to me after it, I'm unstitching all your clothes!! May the truth bare its nakedness on its own, ye jest-thieving skin walker of a wench!!

[isuckatgaymes]

do you ever just scroll through the wiki of a dating game and read all the dialogue from one character that you keep getting advertised to but you refuse to give in and download the app?

me too PLEASE HELP I CANT KEEP DOING THIS

[critical-skeptic]

Am I Old Yet?

At what precise point in this inexorable march toward the proverbial hilltop—nay, over it—should I commence my descent into the quagmire of sanctimonious moral posturing, sycophantic obeisance to unbridled capitalist avarice, and enthusiastic endorsement of reactionary xenophobic demagogues? Is there a designated age at which one must willfully abandon reason and embrace the comforting embrace of supernatural absurdities, reject the rigor of the scientific method, and conveniently erase from memory the inconvenient truths of causality, germ theory, and, indeed, the entire sordid chronicle of human history? Or is this transformation into a caricature of cognitive dissonance something that arrives unbidden, like a creeping malaise, suffused with the rank odor of intellectual decay?

Exhaustion scarcely begins to describe my growing disdain for the perpetually senile and inexcusably obtuse Homo alopecius stultus—and by that, I mean humans, bald greater primates who insult the evolutionary marvel that brought them here. Yes, primates—not monkeys, not chimps, nor orangutans, but humans, like you and I, who might as well be as uncivilized and primitive as their evolutionary brethren. Though I say this with the full expectation that most among them will fail to grasp even the meaning of their own Latinate epithet, let alone the depths of the condescension it conveys.

[theskeleman]

Im telling you it’s always something when you pick up a $10 order and then you drop it off at a Bruce Wayne ass mansion full of Christmas decorations and shit and then someone will say “yeah that’s a fair tip”.

[clownboybebop]

if you’re ever in the position to choose between giving up and accepting defeat, and actually trying to fight the ancient unkillable god that is about to peel apart reality like a string cheese, remember this: scientifically speaking, you might as well give it a shot!

1.there were trees at the beginning of the world! there were trees so long ago that they predate bacteria that causes wood to decay. when a tree fell, it would lie there in stasis and there wasn’t any way of breaking down wood xylem on a molecular level in that way.

2. it seems obvious to say, but wood eating bacteria are literally incapable of comprehending what they’re breaking down. It’s just not information conciously available to a microorganism. they don’t know what they’re deconstructing, where it came from, bacteria have no way to even fathom the existence of a tree as a concept.

3. Regardless of the facts above, the world we live in today is a world where wood inevitably decomposes

it is worth fighting the unkillable god no matter how pointless it seems. it is worth taking the risk even though youre trying to accomplish something impossible. the reality in which you live was also once reality in which trees didn’t rot. You live in a reality that allows for existence before the possibility of destruction. you live in a reality where uncomprehending microbes break down matter that is so far beyond the scope of their comprehension that it feels comical to specify something so obvious. you live in a reality that occasionally allows unshakeable physical truths to be altered with no warning.

It is worth fighting the unkillable god because trees are so old they predate the source of their destruction, and it still did not spare them. It is worth fighting the unkillable god because bacteria rots unthinkingly, because there is room in our cosmos for destruction without comprehension on the part of the destroyer. It is worth fighting the unkillable god because now and then reality retracts the promise of immortality without fanfare, and when that happens there is no mercy for the ancient. the unmaking is not softer for the desecrators ignorance. for all things, existence is endless until the exact point where it ends.

so you might as well try to kill the unkillable god. it doesn’t seem likely, but at the beginning of the world, trees didn’t rot. so you never know! you never know

[keeper-of-magic]

you know what pisses me off about vampires? it's that they are so goddamn human, but nobody acts like it!

liches? awesome as hell skeleton man who will fuck you up without moving, or sometimes with excessive movement.

werewolves? humans overcome with animistic desire who visibly changes into a much more bestial form that may or may not just be trying to connect with someone.

but with a vampire? nothing cool comes to mind when i think of them.

wow, a rich asshole who needs blood to survive? that's just your average billionaire. sometimes much more literal, for whatever reason.

oh, they became that way because they where deathly afraid of death? yeah, obsession with not dying and an obscene amount of wealth can do some crazy things to you.

like, if you saw a vampire and a human silhouette next to each other, there would be absolutely no difference! you might even mistake a vampire in vampire attire for a human who knows fashion for a moment. but then everyone is like "oooh, this vampire is so inhuman, so beastly!" like, NO! THAT'S THE POINT OF A VAMPIRE, A DARK REFLECTION OF THE ELITE! who are explicitly HUMANS who do bad things in the name of some greater goal.

[silverseasx]

Okay so, I read fanfics as bedtime stories usually right? Well I decided to drink half an energy drink, lose track of time and now its 2 30.

I should also mention, that half an energy drink was supplementary for water (dont be like me)

And that while I was looking at fics (I already read 3) I found this really cool one but its a slow burn....I DONT HAVE TIME FOR A SLOW BURN RN- ITS 2 30 I WAKE UP AT 6 MAN. JUST FUCKIN DOUSE THE BITCH IN KEROSENE AND LIGHT IT UP. I HAVE MAYBE 30 MINUTES TO READ BEFORE I PASS THE TIME WHERE I CAN REMAIN FUNCTIONAL DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS.

And before anyone says, just sleep earlier...have you considered- work is overwhelming and that if I dont provide enrichment for myself, you will become my enrichment. I will toss you like a lion tosses a pumpkin. So let me stay in my enclosure cause right now, we're all at peace, and Im cooperating.