#funny beefy masked dude

[nurpowurpo]

Surge often wanders into ships and sits down in hopes of the crew taking him along. Doesn’t work but he has the will to do it.

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

Like, literally all of them? Go fuck yourself?

"Less representation than Gravity Falls..."

So...

I guess all of the crippled queer kids are just going to have to be okay with Tyrone (strangely appropriative and fetishistic name for the disfigured clone of your 13 y/o white boy character) happily exclaiming something like how he's apparently "Better Off Dead!" when he gets a soda poured on him and destroyed, huh? Oh Wait! I forgot.. That was Paper-Jam Dipper!

Nope. I think crippled queer kids would much rather appreciate Toby and Minty being there just fine. After all, I think that it must be the first time we've ever seen any visible wheelchair users in a Queer Coded Disney Show since Kim Possible. Let alone this queer coded and let alone twice. And they're two separate characters existing at the same time and their presence doesn't even revolve around teaching anyone anything! They're just ALLOWED to EXIST!

Didn't see anything like this in Grabbity Balls though, did see a stereotypical man-ish little girl with a big, deep man-ish voice be implied to have "something wrong with her" by an adult authority figure character who's voiced by the same straight, white, openly anti-black Canadian man that you all have been heralding as the ultimate alley for your fictional LGBTQ+ Cartoon Characters' rights, for some reason.

At least the Star Crew tried to give us this:

Which in my opinion was a bit more forwarded and impactful than some dude bro frat boy "love guru" type character just wearing a bunch of symbols and ornaments around his neck, even if they both didn't get through the censors ... You all know this is way more explicit than that.

Speaking of in your face and explicit Queer Coding:

Golly gee... I wonder why such cute and beefy but shy Little Leather Monster Complete with his own Harness and what appears to be a Gimp Mask just had to be regulated to the back?! So funny how Daron Nefcy literally said Disabled Rights, Trans Rights, and Leather/Kinkster Rights while Alex Hirsch only said Eugenics, "Trans Rights" (if you can pass to him, if he can pronounce your name, and you don't say "bae" ) and of course, let's not forget Cops at Pride, despite how little they could apparently both get away with... :)

... But of course, the last and most important Queer Reading to me in Star vs. :

The whole idea of being forced to be with someone you don't love to the point where you have to take a Secret Lover and elope with them and preserve your own sanity because you're a"Bad Girl" who likes a lot of dirty, kinky things to the point where your own voice actress is herself an open kinkster who likes dirty kinky things and that shows through her fun performance, as well as the canonical writings of this kinky character.

And we're not even getting into all of the WAM and Food Fetish stuff in Star vs. The Forces of Evil but it's there, and it's 'glorious'

And after the show is over ,like the actual Queen of Darkness you are, you gotta go sue your old washed up has-been rock star ex boyfriend for misusing the forces of what he says is kink to abuse you ... Because kink is great actually and he's just evil.

Anyway, Esmé Bianco is amazing.

Don't even get me started on Meteora and the blatant disrespect. Especially after Jessica Walter's passing.

I'm writing this post because I'm just ... So fucking sick of people shitting all over the wonderful representation that Star vs. was able to even achieve in favor of praising Alex Hirsch, every time... When in reality, Star vs. The Forces of Evil has overall better representation and overt, and, as some have even said, both in out the show, literally abject Queerness in it than Hirsch will ever have in whichever eye y'all tried to put the eye-patch on your sexy twink Bill Ciphers only to have Hirsch shit on all that and immediately "fix it" by redesigning it as some disfigured ablest caricature before literally switching over to yet another anti-black one.

Dana broke up with Hirsch for a reason: He's a jerk!

If you think that Daron didn't do a "queer enough" narrative with Star vs. despite it being so by it's nature since day one, despite that being already being promised by it's very nature in it's influence being Sailor Moon and Scott Pilgrim, and if you read the Book of Spells even and still say shit like: "I don't see how Star vs. is QUEER????"

Then like, I'm sorry you can't look a little deeper to find that queerness already everywhere in the narrative all around you and if you actually think that Alex Hirsch ever did Representation TM better than Daron Nefcy, all I can say is that I'm sorry you're like a misogynist with shit taste in men and I'm so glad Dana Terrace is free from her shitty boyfriends shadow now at least.

Saying something even more petty about this because I'm gay: A giant, "Size Shifting", People Eating, Purple Pussy Monster who spends his time in mostly just booty shorts, his Chocolate Fountain Jumping Wife who orgasms when she eats candy and left her arranged marriage so that could have more orgasms, and their Giantess, Purple Pussy Monster of a daughter who sucks the souls out of people and spent most of her life as the Milfier than her own Mom, Terrifying Headmistress of a reform school, where she sucked the life of her own students in a Bathory-uqse fashion, before blowing up her cyborg simp, with his own heart, then probably being able to use the severed arm of her Lizard Cyborg Ex Boyfriend as a make-shift dildo to get a final wank in before ultimately experiencing a growth spurt, losing her mind, and killing everyone ... Will always be more Queer in their very nature, than a floating stale dorito in a top hat and two "gay" cops that are designed to be classicist, racist stereotypes for the sake of the unspoken running "joke" that they could even get along, ever were...

And again... If you're an adult and 'Star Vs.' still isn't enough for you... Then maybe you should STOP looking to cartoons and Disney for your ideal representation and make your own...

I'm done.

[shadowtongued]

long headcanon about the duality of love and the mahjarrat condition pertaining to it from his point of view. if you read all this babble i swear to god, i love you, i hope you have a good day. cw: sex addiction, child neglect, unhealthy coping, unrequited pains. reason for writing: hi i want to die bc of angst.

i think we all know even without playing medieval xp grind lore game, runescape, that sliske is old. very old. he tells us in endgame there's not much he hasn’t done with his life over thousands of years, even traveling to other planets and realms to just see what was out there and how far he could get. i’ve always projected his age as somewhere between more than 8,000 or even more than 10,000. we’re never given a timeline to how long the children of mah have lived. sliske has done a lot with his time; he’s killed a god, had quite a few elder relics in his grasp, SPOKEN to a elder god and managed not to die, mastered shadow magicks, has an excellent grasp on the shadow realm. he’s good with biology, chemistry, has a fair understanding of soul magic which is kind of a rare brand of knowledge, he’s tricked probably thousands into bad contracts to become wights in his army, understands the psychology and bad morals of people. he was a playwright, a high ranking officer, a spymaster. dude is just a determined polymath. you know what he hasn’t done? love. he’s never got to play with love.

mahjarrat are explained as having emotions, but dulled ones. they feel rage and pride apparently better than others. kharshai said after years of really believing he was a human, that when he came back to his true form he states “i  feel raw power coursing through my veins. i don't feel pain like i used to, and i'm sure my intellect has increased. but somehow there is something missing. a capacity for emotion that i can't quite put my finger on.” they aren’t equipped for the same range of positive emotions as others are. they feel it, but they don’t understand it fully, it has been said by developers. this whole bit is sadly funny considering in canon, sliske catches feelings. he doesn’t realize he’s attracted to the player character. it’s stated many times, in his journals, in dialogue, etc. he believes their fates are tangled no matter what. and the saddest bit is he probably doesn’t understand these feelings and it confuses him to the point of anger.  “ love! a mahjarrat in love? ... i almost wish that were true. it would certainly make the universe a more interesting place. ” “ so perhaps i have loved you. but that doesn’t mean i have to like you.”  sliske’s main goal started off as to take the players immortal, unable to be crushed by the divine, soul and give it to himself so he could live forever, as mahjarrats do not have afterlives, once they die they are done, evaporated into energy. but in endgame we learn something from him hidden in masks that refutes that;

“I love you for more than your soul.”

you STUPID fucker, you’re in love.

the remainder of this is a lot of NON-CANON, personal headcanon interpretation that pretty much only works on this blog. as a rough summary: sliske’s ol’ mum was not fond of her kids, half-brother wahisietel or sliske since she did not see them as powerful as herself and was disappointed that's what her legacy came out to. a short, beefy, average at magic son, she had another go and was still disappointed with this spidery, scrawny, gifted but absolutely annoying stick underweight child. his father, saw him once or twice in his life and that was it. dyeosuthua wanted nothing more than to make them disappear and try again until she got offspring she didn’t want to throw into a lava pit in secrecy, infanticide was against tribal law due to population issues. sliske’s mother’s neglect was so severe, ( by the absolute boundless joys of rp development and mutual heacanons ♥ ) that wahi and nabor had an attempt at raising him and keeping him from freezing to death. why is all this jargon important? because while all mahjarrats are raised by tough love, sliske’s attention deprivation from his mother was so severe, he grew up and still has a slew of reactive attachment, psychological, and social issues he still carries as an adult. several times she threatened to kill him and almost made good on it more than twice. when wahisietel had proven he was a survivor of the first ritual of rejuvenation, sliske became dyeosuthua’s  main target for abuse despite his gift for magic at a young age. nothing he did could impress her enough. and it left him constantly seeking approval and validation to an insecure mind.

the more he grew, the more confident he became mainly out of spite and to get attention. he’s loud, charming, makes you the only person in the room when he talks to you. he has an innate silver-tongued ability that persuades people to do just about anything. it was a front for his insecurities that he kept very very closed up. in the second age/senntisten capital, sliske had a pretty severe sex addiction as it was one of the few ways he felt validated and was able to get affection in a way he could digest. people with reactive attachment disorders often have sex addictions to fill the space of acceptance without having to commit.. easy, feel good intimacy without having to open up and let someone learn about your vulnerabilities and commit. it was pretty severe, considering mahjarrats find any kind of breeding or intimacies outside their ‘superior species’ as downright foul. sliske had always been the black sheep of the tribe and with his status as praefectus praetorio; head of secret police, really nothing put a damper on him trying to fill the void for affection he had. there wasn’t a species or individual he wouldn’t bed. he would easily take up propositions even for people who just wanted to fuck a mahjarrat because it was ‘exotic’ or because of his status as an officer, he now looks back on this and it bruises his insecurities even more that he allowed himself to do that. not out of pride for his species. but himself, being just a thing to be had because of rarity. azzanadra and his brother, wahisietel found out about it and while disgusted, partially understood what he was doing to negatively self soothe. at one point sliske and azzanadra, the champion of their god and head of the church, as well of one of the strongest living of their kin, had a lasting tryst for a few years and for awhile it made sliske feel very much self important in a way and alleviated his need to be needed so badly, this did not end well when sliske grew tired of their empire and wanted freedom. once childhood best friends and lovers had become absolute enemies once sliske became too unstable and azzanadra became too zealous. 

sliske gave up his sexcapades for a long time, thousands of years, his libido dropped when he became interested in other projects and self healing when he was hit with the idea that he hasd essentially allowed himself to be an exotic fling and still burned over becoming his god, zaros, scapegoat after all he had done for him. love was a weird concept to him and still is. despite being adamant love doesn’t exist for his kind, and his belief that he is flawed, unstable, and embraced the idea of ‘you want a monster? fine! i’ll be the monster!’. he expects no pity, not be forgiven to things he has done and even in game when you sycophantically try to cozy to him, he straight up calls out your text choice was awful considering some of the shitty things he might have done to you. to sliske, all attention to him is attention, whether you’re praising or insulting him. he’s on your mind, he exists, that’s all he wants.

backstory aside the real part of this headcanon is that sliske actually wants love. it’s the only thing aside from an immortal soul he hasn’t had. sliske actually has an attraction to humans because they are empathetic, curious, passionate, and determined. he has an easier time assimilating and being around them since he has ALWAYS had a better sense of humor, socializing, and happiness than his kin. he feels emotions a lot stronger than his fellow mahjarrats. it allows him to talk to and connect to humans and humanlike species better. others of his kind have told him there’s “something wrong” with him for that. he’s actually a romantic, even if he’s just mimicking romance stories, movies, and actions from others. he thinks the idea of settling with one person and loving them is both mortifying and interesting. opening yourself up to someone and giving them the hammer to smash your cherry-red painted porcelain heart and seeing if they do, to him might be the ultimate form of trust and biggest gamble of russian roulette. the stakes are so heavy he’s high on the idea. but it’s also horrifying. mahjarrat are prolific for not opening up, not allowing others in, vulnerability out in the open is a death sentence. they live in a kratocracy/meritocracy where they kill off the weakest link. it’s not pretty. being soft is a useless, unnecessary, weak gene to them. it dampers survival. 

but yet sliske keeps reading romance novels, writing his own confused poetry, and getting into unrequited one sided loves but practicing a backstabbing betrayal when one gets too close. i have to hurt them before they hurt me, betray and cut them down before they can do it to me. i think he wants to be loved. i think he kinda wants to be taught to love, for the emotions and the sake of knowledge. ( brb james newton howard’s ‘true love’s kiss’ from maleficent just came on spotify and i think i’m going to die bc i did not ask for background music thanks!!! ) he wouldn’t be the best at it, maybe a little too possessive with you, codependent, but very nurturing and fun loving. will sepnd a whole week spooning you.. people who hurt you past, present, and future may end up dead in mysterious ways or turned into a wight for you to beat the shit out of. but he’d try. he’s still got a broken child sitting behind his third rib. i think he would snarl the first few times someone genuinely got close to him, it would terrify him, being known on such a skinned, raw level. having gentle touches that are real and not a come hither to the bedroom. being known for something other than the confident, ego he has is death. he could be taught to be gentle for a crumb of consistent attention. might even cut down the murders and god killing down by 15%. love is not going to fix him, it’s not going to forgive the actual shitty things he’s done. it should never do that. but it will turn the lights on in a dark house.

love could really break him. i think so. i’d type more but this has gone on too long and i feel sad-happies. 

[memeulous]

i will gladly pledge my soul to beans. gladly. 'empty head, no thoughts' in all honesty... such a mood. especially now in plague times. I'm not really particular to any genra, any recommendation will do. maybe like your top 5? or even 10? i like both comedy and action. romance is a nice one sometimes, im a hopeless romantic. any drama will probably destroy me (in a good way), so any recommendations you have, shoot them my way please!

okay fair warning i like weird or old movies also most of my faves are horror but i'll try to suggest other stuff too

Hush (2016) - about a deaf mute writer who lives a solitary rural life, a masked killer decides to attack her in her home unfortunately for him she's (believably) badass and decides to fight back

Closer (2004) - probably know it if you saw it a lot of aesthetic stills or gifs from this movie floating about but basically got jude law and Natalie Portman in it and it's a pretty romantic drama

A Fine Pair (1968) - detective gets involved with lady who turns out to be a jewel thief, queue funny caper across Austria.

Logan Lucky (2017) - crime comedy about a plan to rob a racing circuit (one of the brothers has the same name as me literally the only reason i initially watched it but it's decent tbh)

Swordfish (2001) - Halle berry / John Travolta / Hugh jackman / Don Cheadle in a weird hacker crimey antihero thing, it's a good time

Stealing Beauty (1996) - weird art movie with Liv Tyler, another one most people have seen aesthetic still or gifs from, but it's interesting and pretty and easy to watch in that warm summer night kind of way

Franklyn (2008) - very strange movie about 3 very troubled people who's lives some how get woven together, set in this world and a weird alternate world, but if you like weird artsy films it's a good watch altho tw for s*icide (sort of? Eva Greens character has a strange art project)

In Fear (2013) watch it for the accents alone my dude. Irish horror? thriller really, about a couple that get turned around on a drive, stalked by an unknown tormentor, the woman kickass in this one too, my fave film apart from Hush.

Safelight (2015) - if you like Evan Peters you're in luck, if like me you took a minute to warm up to him ehh sorry boss, Evans a kind of weird dude trying to help a lady with a run of bad luck oh and there's a gas station, doesn't sell it well but it's worth a look.

Her (2013) - wow used to have a hard on for this weird ass movie, if you don't like Scarlett Johansson you're in luck because you don't have to look at her face, anyway Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with his version of Siri and it's an all around odd time, pretty tho. no one i know has seen it so i rec it to everyone.

You were never really here (2017) - if you prefer Joaquin Phoenix beefy like me this is the film for you. also he tracks down missing girls for a living and has more trauma than me after a trip to reform school.

Candy (2006) - a poet, an artist, one hell of a drug problem, also heath ledger with cute hair 👌🏻

The Cube (1997) - i think this movie did a brief stint as kind of a meme but whatever it's a genuinely good film if you like single local / parlour style movies, you used to be able to just find it on youtube for free as well. fun watching the wanna be hero fall from grace and the hard ass lady step up.

hope that's a good mix and there's at least one you haven't seen.

Beans accepts your soul and can't wait to display it with the rest of his collection. Sausage is just... a permanent movie and secretly part broccoli.

[purralyth]

How have things been going with Chariot and crew? Maybe I missed some things, but it feels like it's been awhile since I last heard of their shenanigans! Has the gf been helping out? Any crisises? (In the world around them or emotional?) What is the DEALIO I am ready to hear it!

haHAHAHA i’ll be honest i don’t talk much about their emotional/world crises because they are happening All the time. our dm wants to see us suffer. but let’s have a small summary shall we, i’m actually going to put this one under a read more bc we’ve done That Much

so first things first, the gang got shunted into the feywild, i talked about that much. that’s where we picked up our lovely little tiefling monk Fuarthas (Silence, back then) from his awful hag grandmother rosie, found chariot’s masked mom, and then got taunted by a fey demigod in his Hell Maze and he proposed to fuarthas and now they’re engaged because he’s a warlock now it’s fun shit. anyway. we get back to toril with the crew (and chariot’s masked mom’s ship, lovingly dubbed Eri’s Chariot after her daughter and her dead boytoy, that we thought we might have to leave behind) and we find out that in the MAYBE month-long period we’ve been in the feywilds, 2.5 years have gone by on toril. meteors have fallen from the sky, which is now a permanent blood red, people are chanting at these meteors embedded in the city like possessed cultists who attack anyone that threatens to take them out, and the worms coming out of the meteors are like kind of sort of turning people undead?? it’s messed up. Cool Stuff. but chariot’s aunt mom Serenity and uncle dad Patience opened up an orphanage so that’s cool

So we got some magic tattoos in some downtime (Chariot got 2, one on the back of her neck that lets her understand Undercommon, and another on her chest that gives her a free use of Mage Armour per day) and met up with some new NPCs, one of  which is traveling with us now as our cleric-fighter and is dating(??) our big tiddy big heart half-orc barbarian Lockjaw, and left our aasimar monk’s kickass wife behind to run her tavern bc she’s expecting. we go to look at some funky stuff going down in the town cemetary. first thing we do is go see erran, our moon elf friend we took into the feywild and hates us now for it, and he takes us into this portal and shows us this weird temple thing his supervisor or something had just discovered. there’s these murals on the walls of meteors striking the earth, and a flood, and some figures sailing on a ship through the sky, and then 7(?) figures, that like kind of seem like Us but not quite on par, so fun stuff, and these two HUGE statues in the main chamber. somebody presses a button and this fantasy Alexa bitch floats down from the ceiling and is like oh shit presences detected. and starts listing these titles, like Sufferer, and Guardian, and Exceptional, and then locks onto jia and is like ABERRATION DETECTED FUCK THOSE SHITS and tries to kill her so she has to run. basically without making this too long we find out that we (chariot, frazier, lockjaw, fuarthas, and frazier’s daughter) are descendants of some ancient heroes that saved the world once, and we grave rob just a little and get some cool magic items, and there’s this prophecy that we’ll stop the apocalypse or something?????? shit’s wack. we go back out to see jia and chariot’s trying real hard to cover for her but she’s like well i cant rly hide it anymore. hey guys i have an illithid tadpole In my brain and it didn’t develop so now i’m also part of a separate prophecy that i’ll wipe out all the illithid. but look at this i can float but chariot and i did some research and the only way to not have it be a problem anymore is to destroy my skull and then resurrect me. so that’s a lot of fun!!!!!

still in that cemetary, we find a trail of meteor worms. follow them into a secret passage that leads to the lair of Sunshine, masked mom’s dead assistant that chariot one-shot, but it turns out she’s a necromancer! she kicks our asses to unconsciousness even after chariot polymorphed into a t-rex and sells us to Neogi in the underdark, which if you don’t know what they are, google them, they’re fucked up spider giraffe eels that are evil incarnate and basically were slave trading us & psychically torturing Jia the whole way!! which made chariot throw cantrip after cantrip at them to try to hurt them so they just mind-control enslaved her over and over so that’s fucked her up good :)

we get sold to some drow after a week. beefy boys were sent to work manual labour til they die, and the rest of us were set to be sacrificed to Lolth, so we go haha we have to get out of here asap. chariot disguise selfs into a drow guard (a man bc i was very stupid) and gets caught 2 seconds out the door by a cleric of lolth, who sets up some mix between a dick appointment and an ass kicking for later bc chariot didn’t like. idk acknowledge her. fuck drow. she and fuarthas (who she was pretending to transport) skedaddle into a side chamber and a drow guard captain comes in. she goes to beat up fuarthas so chariot attacks her and a wild magic pops off and they fall mutually head over heels in love and lust with each other, which is MESSY. chariot convinces her to help round the gang up, but everywhere they look everyone’s gone missing (frazier and lockjaw got into a fight down at the manual labour camp and jia turned into a fish and shrieked so she’s gone) so chariot ends up wined and dined and tries desperately not to let this drow captain Do Her and does not take a long rest bc she has to stay awake and make sure this woman doesn’t wake up and see she’s not actually Erran the Drow Guard. but when everyone wakes up a shadow dragon is attacking this drow camp. cool. yes. awesome. fantastic. hell breaks loose, chariot and zarra (the drow captain) find frazier and jia in a stairwell, zarra kisses chariot goodbye and runs off to do stuff after a hefty persuasion check, jia gets Understandably Angry, we run like hell to find our magic items they bought with us and get the hell out of dodge With Lockjaw’s new orc army he’s recruited and the drow dude we found that’s a part of Frazier’s old order. shadow dragon finds us, holy shit she’s frazier’s adopted mom, she offers us a ride back while chariot very desperately tries to tell jia she doesn’t know what’s going on and why zarra kissed her and why she feels like this (she didn’t know it was a charm !!) and generally feeling Very Shitty. we get to frazier’s old monastery and the charm wears off, chariot and jia have a very long talk and chariot breaks a couple times, chariot steals a bottle of wine to try and feel better, she gets in shit for it and frazier takes the fall, he gets whipped as a punishment which just breaks chariot even more, she puts herself on house arrest for a full week, jia finally starts talking to her again 3 days into that, they do some drugs, chariot makes a deal with shadow dragon mama to split the cost of a teleportation circle and the gang blows up at her but she’s like nah it’s cool. at this point she is using her +9 deception to pretend she didn’t just break for a whole week and nothing happened and she’s totally good now guys dont even worry about it.

side tangent from All That, we go to deal with a giant problem for the monastery and there’s corpses strung up with the symbols on chariot’s palm all over. lots of combat yadda yadda, trap one giant in a room and ask her questions through the door, get some cool insight on chariot’s magics that she still has no idea how it works. turns out there’s a third queen of the feywilds, the queen of night and magic if i remember correctly, and she was shunned for her beauty and her and all of her subjects were made to be ugly and misshapen or some messed up stuff. chariots like oh fuck we were just there and no one said shit about a queen that apparently everyone hates that she has the symbols for on her Hands and honestly on her cape as well half the time. but ok cool that’s some new info sweet.

jia’s still guilting chariot for kissing zarra (even though it was a CHEEK KISS and she didn’t do it) because chariot’s been feeling awful that jia got into a romantic relationship (WITH FRAZIER’S DAUGHTER WHO JOINED JIA’S CULT, FUNNY ENOUGH) on her like 10 month leave bc she assumed she’d never get to see chariot again, but that’s a whole can of worms. lots of emotional fuckage though, chariot feels even worse that that happened bc jia hadn’t even been charmed, etc etc etc. but she’s never gonna say any of it bc she’s terrified jia will leave a second time and bringing any of that up might be what triggers it So!

we get told the neogi are selling slaves to jia’s old god, Ool’zakgothool the Aboleth who has been the Big Bad since like session 3-5, so we need to go stop that shit so we can go take down this aboleth and get frazier’s daughter back. but first we have literally no money bc we got sold and had all our shit stolen so we have to sell the like 700lbs of elven armour and weaponry we stole from a navy outpost place thing in the feywild. so we get to solve a little murder mystery in a gnome town so that’s fun. go back to the monastery, pick up some stuff, get some cool magic items made by our new artificer friend Jokk who’s part of the same prophecy we are, and head out again to fuck up these neogi. but on the way jia suddenly sprints ahead and gets like hug tackled by 5 kids who she apparently raised in her cult, and we get lead back to the marketplace where we plan on staking out the neogi and following back to their camp, but uh oh there’s 100 cultists here who swarm us and there’s some midsommar shit and we just fight the neogi right then and there and that’s basically where we’re picking up now. they enslaved lockjaw who oneshot chariot bc she’s a weak little bitch so jia kicked him in the ribs it was fun. and now we’re holding the elf that threatened to cut chariot’s tail off from our Neogi Cage Days hostage to tell us where the shiny gold head hauncho went bc he dimension doored out while chariot was paralyzed and couldn’t counterspell and we want him Dead. to be continued

[tillman]

hi i ranked every single dark souls 1 character by who i think is the most kissable . its 79 characters all with a description of why theyre at the place theyre at with images for reference :-) its all under cut for u to enjoy.. thank u

this is all my opinion cus hehe im making the list but also im god so this is fact now . 

counting down because u know what ! buildup is fun and i have to start off with everyones most favorite:

GWYN - 79

im kidding. fuck gwyn and everything he stands for. he wouldnt even be a good kisser he doesnt have FUCKING LIPS

SEATH - 78

oh you really wanna kiss the incel dragon who kidnaps ladies for his weird experiements?? yeah?? who are you, big hat logan?

EINGYI - 77

heres one i wont get hate for: this fucking asshole . die bastard . he cant even kiss his face is all infected and gross!

KAATHE - 76

he sucks.

SMOUGH - 75

not only is he too big to kiss! hes a cannibal!! hed eat you!!!! thats no kiss i want!

MANUS - 74

listen i know yall love daddies and all that but hes manipulative and not a nice person so id watch out. i GUESS hes kissable as he was a human before but def not a good kiss

BED OF CHAOS - 73

its just some vines that sometimes set on fire!! If it were still the witch of izalith she would be probally in the 20s as shes a good person who tried very hard to help the world but in this state... u cant even kiss her!

FRAMPT - 72

better than kaathe but the whole no lips and being a manipulative snake monster really throws me off and shoves him down at the bottom

FINA (GODDESS OF LOVE/BEAUTY (?)) - 71

(mentioned character - no image sorry :-( )

Listen as much as im all for love, this is love u dont want ! just trust me dont be lautrec dont do it you dont want to kiss fina listen to me. please dont kiss fina.

VINCE AND NICO - 70

way of the white members are NOTABLY unkissable but these guys. are just so boring. theyll be your white bread boyfriend as neil would say... bad kissers and bad people!

LAUTREC - 69 

aw fuck wait can i make another character 69 he doesnt deserve it. anyways not only is he not over his ex (fina) hed probally gut you and steal your lunch money half way through the kiss anyways so whats the point . thats not how u treat a lover idiot

CENTIPEDE DEMON - 68

it eats your face and you die. next pleaaase

PETRUS - 67

another way of the white cleric. he at least starts off nice and he says fuck rich people but also he let that happen to rhea and i fucking hate his guts so no.

PALADIN LEEROY - 66 

out of all the way of the white idiots hes the best in that he wears armor and seems cool but its the way of the white man.  i cant get past that. sorry leeroy at least your armor is cool. he probably hasnt kissed someone in hundreds of years anyways 

MOONLIGHT BUTTERFLY - 65

delicate ... but beautiful! i dunno how to smooch it but i def would if i could ! i dont think it can kiss back but, o well! we all have flaws

IRON GOLEM - 64

it cant kiss back but its COOL and can throw me like a javelin so like . yeehaw id smooch its little face place 

UNDEAD MERCHANTS (BOTH) - 63

between moss and yulia i think they got enough on their plates! plus since theyre so hollowed, i dont think they have any lips to kiss back with! 

INGWARD - 62

hes not like . bad persay but also i dont trust him after he helped with new londo. cool design tho. i wanna kiss that bird beak mask

JEREMIAH - 61

was a bullfrog, and never took off his crown long enough to kiss another person...... i feel like if he did though! oh boy!!!

Asylum Demon + Demon Firesage + Stray Demon - 60

more kissable than some bosses, but still not the greatest lips. good butts though on all of them.... so i guess thats fr u kinky people 

SNUGGLY THE CROW - 59

(no image shes a crow) 

please stop drawing her as an anime girl shes literally just a grow that likes warm things oh my god you freaks be nice to her

BIG HAT LOGAN - 58

hes hard to kiss around the hat! and on that note hes pretty much taken with his obsession with seath. good luck! hes nice though so better than most of this list so far

GAPING DRAGON - 57

ranked so high because past its giant underbelly of teeth and destruction is this very tiny head which i think is so funny i cant help but want to kiss its little snoot.... hehe baby

PRINCE RICARD - 56

oh now were actually getting into kissable range! ricard is a prince (maybe even of astora... kissability increase.) so his high ranking might get you some kissability points, but the hollowing is gonna lower that. 4/10 no kissable lips!

4 KINGS - 55

whats better than a prince..... a king... whats better than a king..................  4 KINGS! just watch out for their overly anime spiky armor and the fact their in a never ending void nightmare but they do have faces so thats points above the rest!

SALAMAN - 54

(mentioned character only! sorry!)

hmmmm we dont learn much about him other than he was close with quelana and he was ............ hot!  hes a pyromancer.  being of the great swamp pushes him down a bit because he prolly smells like his name sake but u know what ! maybe hes cute! we cant be sure! hes in the running at least!

TAURUS DEMON - 53

hmm... bad lover.... good kisser................................................... the things i do for big beefy demon love.

GOUGH - 52

While you cant kiss gough cus all the sap in his helmet i cant bare to put him lower than he is hes just so sweet. a kiss on his helmet because i love him so much

NITO - 51

while he cant kiss back, nito deserves a kiss or two! plus he has a lot of hands so u can hold his hands and be hugged at the same time and u know what that might be just as good as a nice kiss. good on you nito!

STONE DRAGON - 50

again a non kisser........ damn beaks! the stone dragon does need a kiss though. they havent seen another living soul in years down in ash lake! so im giving them points on that alone.

VAMOS - 49

like the last two.... no lips! vamos though makes up for it in his charm and wit, and his exceptional skill in smithing! so even without lips to kiss, you still should kiss vamos! hes a good friend

ARIAMIS - 48

(mentioned !)

wow... a painter! and a skilled one at that! this man created the painted world used to keep priscilla safe and that is so noble it gives him points right off the bat! i feel like though, as an artist, he might be a bit weird about it. so watch out and be safe, but in the end, get free art and some free smooches out of him!

ELIZABETH - 47

thats my mom ... of course she gets a good cheek smooch for all her hard work keeping dusk safe!

DOMHNALL - 46

i love domhnall hes a good guy whos trying his best but also his mask is so fucking goofy i dunno if i can do it .

RICKERT - 45

as much as i think rickert would be a good kiss (hes smart, cute, and skilled!) he is trapped behind some bars willingly and probably wont let you in. i can dream though!

CEASLESS DISCHARGE - 44

if theres any boss that NEEDS a kiss its him. poor dude lost all his family and was turned into this laughing stock of a creature. youd probably burn your lips but .... please just be nice to him :-(

SHIVAS BODYGUARD - 43

ooo a strong yet silent type.... hes even cute under his mask! good kiss, but i feel like he might just care more about his actual job than a kiss ! hes dedicated !

CIARAN - 42

putting aside me knowing shed be a good kisser, i just understand she probably doesnt want a kiss right now, shes grieving over the loss of her friend and i respect her comfort. maybe a good pat on the shoulder and a cup of nice tea with her would be nice though! 

PINWHEEL - 41

may seem like a weird choice to put a necromancer up so high on the list but.... honestly pinwheel needs some love. dude lost his whole family and in trying to revive them accidentally fused them to himself. while he might not be the best kisser, i honestly just wanna tell him everythings gonna be ok.

KIRK - 40

ok if you know me you KNOW how much it pains me to put kirk so low but. hes a busy guy! not only is he doing so much work to help out where he can with the fair lady, but you might just get pricked by his spiky armor while youre going in for the smooch! so, as much as he deserves a kiss for all his hard work, maybe pass until another time!

SIEGLINDE - 39

were getting there! she is just so strong... and so brave........ she may not even be undead! sieglinde is so strong and wonderful doing all that just to deliver a message to her unruly father, she deserves so many kisses! Shes got a lot on her plate though so please respect her......

BERENIKE - 38

(just mentioned!)

implied to be a huge strong knight who made it to even sens fortress! yes please ! 

BELL GARGOYLES - 37

hmmmmm,.......... if u can get past the whole lighting your face on fire, these are two loyal gargoyles! that seems pretty good to me!

BEATRICE - 36

a wonderful helpful witch friend! she is so nice to help you defeat flying bosses with her magic!! i love her so much! shes even cute to boot! 

GIANT BLACKSMITH - 35

HE HELP ANYTIME................... I HAVE TO GIVE HIM A KISS FOR ALL HIS HARD WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEGALLY I HAVE TO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RHEA - 34

putting aside my hatred of the way of white.... rhea really is just a babey.... shes adorable and kind and just wants everyone to be ok so im won over. maybe a little forehead smooch for being such a good person!

OSCAR - 33

oh oscar. a noble, heroic, and cute knight but in the end. would he be a good kisser........ i feel yes, but maybe not so much so! hes busy focusing on being a hero you know! hes a good friend and i cant help but fall in love with nice guys

THE FAIR LADY - 32

she deserves the entire world and all i can give her is my humanity and a kiss........... sobs. i wish i could do more to ease her pain but she is so strong and wonderful! please give her a nice smooch! 

QUELANA - 31

i didnt wanna separate them ........ her wonderful sister! who even taught humans pyromancies! shes smart and nice, and honestly probably needs a kiss. 

MILDRED - 30

uh my notes from last night are just

so yeah! thats mildred!

CRESTFALLEN MERCHANT - 29

hes sad as fuck but also... kinda handsome! he was a knight of berenike and made it almost all of the way through sens fortress showing how skilled he is! a strong man like this (inspired by maybe the best kisser in demons souls, boirr) has to be a good kiss!

SIEGMEYER - 28

hes going through a lot right now but... how could u not think siegmeyer is kissable. thats on you man. thats your own character flaw.

OSWALD - 27

ok this might be slightly controversial but i feel like oswald would be a good kisser. if you got past his slightly weird love for velka who well get to (thats just carimites (carimians? carimfolk???)) hes nice and kind and maybe the funkiest character in dark souls

KALAMEET - 26

another cant kiss you but.... kalameet is just so cool ! very shadow the hedgehog and u know what that is NOT a bad thing. you might have a rough time trying to get there, but..... aww whos a good dragon.....

DARKMOON KNIGHTESS - 25

alright the final stretch! the darkmoon knightess is the anor londo firekeeper, and a friend of gwyndolin! shes supposed to be “ugly and shit” (real quote. i would never lie to you) but her model is so cute! defiantly kissable as fuck!

 SANCTUARY GUARDIAN - 24

GOFH ITS JUST A WIDDLE KITTEY CAT........... I GIVE IT A WIDDLE KISSEY ON ITS FOREHEAD AHOWHWWAWWW BABEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALVINA - 23

AWHAHWAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SHES H(FADOESAGVFOSDHFSO CUET EIFEDKC LKOFIE JS I LOVE YOU FJEADFIDASHCODEUFCUSFKSDHFKSUHFC

DUSK - 22

oh yes!! the princess of a lost land...... will you be her knight in shining armor.......... oh i just love her so much. shes sweet and nice and cute and deserves a kiss or two!! please be nice to my daughter!

SHIVA - 21

hottie with cool armor and a cooler sword. since they cut his whole sidequest i can with all certianty say YES he is super kissable and is probably a great kisser 

QUELAAG - 20

IGNORIGN HER GIANT SPIDER LOWERBODY........... SHES JUST DOING THIS FOR HER SISTER SHE JUST WANTS TO HELP HER POOR SISTER WHOS IN PAIN HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE HER SO MUCH!! PLEASE KISS QUELAAG! 

GRIGGS - 19

im putting griggs so high cus hes kissable in a factor unseen before...... baby factor. hes soft and nice and is just trying to find his dad! just tuck him into bed and kiss him goodnight! its what he deserves! 

ARTORIAS - 18

everyone already KNOWS why artorias is a good kisser. hes nice, strong, brave, and most importantly. cool as FUCKING HELL ! HE DOES SICK ANIME FLIPS!! if you can look past the abyss slowly taking him over, youll find a good good boy who deserves a good kiss.

ANASTACIA - 17

the good firekeeper who we spend most of our time with in 1! YES of COURSE Shes kissable. she deserves SO MANY kisses for all of her hard work in keeping the firekeep shrine lit! good job anastacia im sorry lautrec is like that

VELKA GODDESS OF SIN - 16

(just mentioned!)

if her title alone doesnt bring you in, youll be pleased to know shes implied to help watch over priscilla (who well get to hold your horses) and keep the poor girl safe! a strong sense of justice and a love of crows, shes probably an amazing kiss if you can find her! 

ANDRE - 15

were closing in on #1 and i just have to throw andre in here. hes so nice and strong! just . please kiss andre! he deserves some he does so much work! 

PRISCILLA - 14

poor priscilla. called a monstrous crossbreed and has to hide in a painted world to stay safe from those who would hurt her. including the internet! leave her alone you freaks shes not your fetish fuel!!! she deserves a good kiss on the cheek and a hug for all she has to put up with

 CRESTFALLEN WARRIOR - 13

its my list i get to put the crestfallen warrior where i want. and u know what? he would honestly be a good kiss. hes kind and helpful and never once wishes you harm, he just needs to be held tightly and kissed passionately and u know what. dont we all. 

GWYNEVERE - 12

she is beautiful but .... 1 shes married and 2 shes not even real! whatever. her husband the flame god flann is at least.......... hot! haahgdaefshdfcdhswfe im so fucking funny

BLACK IRON TARKUS - 11

listen i see a big beefy dude i go “hey thats hot please kiss me” so of course tarkus is this high up hes the beefiest dude around.... right?? anyways all knights of berenike are kissable hes just the MOST kissable of the 3 named ones!

ORNSTEIN - 10

this dude kisses the son of gwyn you KNOW hes a good kiss. the golden lion armor just helps so much. we love you ornstein .....

HAVEL THE ROCK - 9

HERE HE IS ... THE BEEFIEST GUY AROUND ... this bitch uses a DRAGONS TOOTH as a huge club to bash people with if that isnt big dick energy i dont know what is. armor made of stone. heart made of gold. havel the rock please god kiss me passionately under the moonlight .

SIF - 8

oghfoghfohg puppey..................................... SMOOCHIE THE PUPPY>...........

NAMELESS KING (!?) - 7

(hes just mentioned in ds1!!) 

I KNOW HES A DS3 BOSS BUT LISTEN TO ME THEY TALK ABOUT HIM SO MUCH IM ALLOWING THIS.  he defected from his awful dads team to go help the DRAGONS!! thats so cool hes so kissable. would be more kissable if he wasnt kissing ornstein but thats ok . i respect them both.

MARVELOUS CHESTER - 6

this MAY just because i have a huge crush on him but also here are some good kissable things about him: his fasion, his voice that sounds like a purr, his laugh, his malice, his funny mask, him. thank you for your time.

GWYNDOLIN - 5

FINAL FIVE! heres gwyndolin. the most kissable of all of gwyns children for the sheer fact of how much work they put in to making sure people stay safe and happy. they are so kind and wonderful they deserve SO MANY kisses! good on you gwyndolin....

LAURENTIUS - 4

now heres a fun one! laurentius is one of the nicest guys u will EVER meet in any souls game. he genuinely cares about you, he loves and respects u even if u dont respect him or his skills, hes nice cute and above all: i love him . please kiss laurentius he is a nice guy who just wants the best for u..... dont be mean to him.....................

CAPRA DEMON - 3

the highest one that cant kiss back and thats for the capra demons SHEER HORNY ENERGIES. this is a demon you can fuck! thats it i have nothing else to say i just think the capra demon is funny

SOLAIRE - 2

do i seriously have to explain why solaire is so high up. not only is he nice and cares about you, hes handsome, passionate, and just a good fucking person. he is hands down one of the most kissable characters in any souls game ever! fuck yeah! go off you funky little lover boy! 

and finally.

its patches.

[porscheczar110]

Another Modern Rayllum AU

Been looking for a Narcos Rayllum AU? Probably not. But my sister in law wrote one anyways. This is a series of comical vingnettes im which Callum comes to terms with the fact that 1) he was born into a Narco family and 2) his best friend/girlfriend is a sicario.

Summary: Sicario- Noun. sicario (plural sicarios) hitman, hired killer (especially when referring to Latin American drug cartels).

A collection of snippets that offer a glimpse into the life of Callum after the mysterious assassin, Rayla, barges into his life. He may not have signed up for it, but he wasn't going to complain.

Read Part 1 here.

1. Of Meeting

“I’ve come to kill you.”

Callum looked up at the woman standing over him in awe. She was framed by the light of an abnormally large full moon, silvery hair tied up and swaying in the wind. He scrambled back from her, confused. His interest was piqued. This had never happened before.

She advanced on him, and he jerked to his feet with a snort of laughter. His fear seemed to dissipate as adrenaline spiked through his veins, giving him a clear head. “Okay, very funny. Who hired you? Was it Soren? How much did he pay you? His jokes are getting worse and worse.” Callum was no stranger to his friend’s wild antics. The blonde lived to torment him, although it was mostly good-natured. This was a bit morbid, even by Soren’s standards.

“I—Soren? Who’s that?” she asked in confusion. “I can’t just give up my employer because you asked . Now, lay down, and take your death like any honorable person would.”

“Oh, you’re a real hoot. I’m sure you’re a great hit at parties. Here’s the deal,” Callum said, wiping dirt from his shirt. “I’m going to go home, and you’re going back to your ‘employer,’ and let him know the job has been done. I’m spooked! Yay for you. I have an exam tomorrow. That’s why I’m walking home so late. I don’t exactly have time for a punk prank right now. We can meet up later, and try this again, okay? See you soon!”

“But I—”

Callum spun on his heel and continued toward his house.

He would think back on the interaction later when his grade wasn’t on the line.

2. Of Kingpin

Callum pushed his textbook and notes away in disgust. His groan echoed around the study room he and Rayla were currently occupying. “Enough, enough! The numbers aren’t making sense anymore. I can’t do this, Ray.”

She laughed, continuing to copy down equations from the PowerPoint in front of her. “Don’t you have a tutor for everything?”

“No,” he denied vehemently. “My father tried to get one for everything, but I refused. I wanted to do this on my own. I’m going to ring the cook up. Did you want anything to snack on? I’m thinking jelly tarts.”

She finally paused her writing and pinned him with a stare. His breath caught at her amethyst orbs. No one should be as lovely as she. It had to be some sort of crime, being so deadly and beautiful. Although, if he called the cops, he was pretty sure they would be in more trouble than her.

“Tutors for days. Personal chefs and butlers and nannies and—”

“Do you have a point?” He felt his cheeks heating. It wasn’t his fault he was born into money. And he wasn’t very conscious about it. His life was as it was, and that was that.

“Cal...”

“Yes, Rayla?”

“Do you even know what it is your dad does?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. Something with oil? Or was it pharmaceutical distributions? Maybe both?”

Rayla smacked her forehead and looked as if she wanted to shake him. “Your father is the biggest drug distributor in the continent . And you’re telling me you don’t know?”

“So he does work in pharma?”

“No, Callum,” she sighed heavily, clicking onto the next slide on her laptop. “Not pharma drugs. I’m talking about illegal, recreational drugs. Your dad is a king pin. A drug lord. A narco . Where do you think all your money came from?”

He sputtered, grasping for an answer. “Investments?”

She snorted and gave him a sardonic smile. “Oh, he sure invests alright. Invests in all sorts of things. Like guns and drugs and lawyers and—"

Callum cut her off, not wanting to hear the extensive list of places his father funneled money into. “Don’t you think I would’ve found out by now?”

“Yes. Hence why I’m surprised you didn’t know until I brought it up.” She raised a brow, and damnit if his heart didn’t skip a beat. Did she have to be so magnetic?

Stop it, he chastised himself. Gotta focus.

“If my dad is the head honcho of some big baddie drug operation, why were you sent to kill me ? Shouldn’t you go after him?”

She suddenly stiffened, hand twitching against her laptop arrow keys. Callum scanned her face, looking for a slip in her mask. The slight twitch in her eye gave away her stress.

“You were going to be bait. Your death wasn’t going to be on that sidewalk that night.”

“Oh,” he said weakly, not really understanding what she was implying.

She failed to meet his stare, shifting to fumble with her highlighter.

He glanced down at her backpack, cringing slightly at the barely concealed handgun peeking out from a slightly unzipped pocket.

Oh .

She was talking about extortion.

Torture.

Hostage.

She was, after all, a sicario .

And Callum found he minded that less and less.

3. Of Sicario

“So you’re telling me… You’re a what ?”

“ Sicario . I’m a hired hitman. Or I guess hitwoman? Or maybe hired assassin is easier for your brain to process.”

“Call it whatever you want. It’s not like I’d be able to pronounce the word.” Was that him laughing? It sounded borderline hysterical.

“Repeat after me. Slowly. See .”

“ See .”

“ Car .”

“ Car .”

“ Eeo .”

“ Eeo .”

“ Sicario. ”

“ Seecareeo ?”

“Eh, close enough. Not much we can do about your accent, really,” she teased.

“Okay, okay. So then… You’re a sicario ?” Callum couldn’t help the way his voice cracked at the word. It didn’t help that his Spanish was nonexistent.

Rayla barked out a laugh and shook her head at him. “The first thing I ever said to you was that I was going to kill you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry that my first thought wasn’t ‘ hitman’ ! I was running on no sleep and stressed out of my mind. What the hell, Ray? You were going to kill me!”

She shrugged and unlocked the car doors, and he hurried to the passenger’s seat. “Multiple times actually. I didn’t decide to keep you alive until Janai tried to kill you, too.”

“ What? That was months after we first met!”

Rayla gave him a wicked smirk. “Yup! You are very good at annoying me. Too good. What else was I supposed to contemplate?”

He shook his head in disbelief. She knew exactly how to get under his skin, too. The only other person that could get him riled up so quickly was Ezran, but Callum attributed that to a sibling kind of thing. “You could’ve contemplated a million other things.”

“Are you… Are you butthurt?” The disbelief in her voice was obvious.

“No,” he snapped, staring out the window.

“I was just doing my job,” she reminded him. There was no mistaking the glee in her voice.

“Oh, yeah! You did a fantastic job seeing as how I am still right here.”

She snorted and patted his shoulder. The contact had him whipping around to watch her profile as she drove. “Just know I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She leaned forward and turned up the volume of her music, mouthing the words along as she sped along the highway.

Now what did that mean?

4. Machetes

Callum kicked a rock away from his path, muttering obscenities into the dark. He’d lost three out of five rounds of rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock, and he was not a happy camper. Rayla had a bunch of junk in her car, and he was the lucky one now tasked with shifting through it all for some obscure USB. He glanced down at the pen marking on his hand, unable to help the small smirk at her chicken scratch.

And the drinks , the barely legible words reminded him. He also had to carry a too-heavy pack of drinks back to the party which was too far away for his comfort. He was an artist by trade, not some beefy powerlifter. Normally, he would’ve dragged Soren out with him to do the transporting, but his friend was out of town that weekend, watching some type of sports game.

He grumbled as he unlocked the car, digging around through her junk. He must’ve been outside for at least half an hour before he moved onto the trunk. And with some more extensive searching, he ran into a pair of really rusted machetes.

“Rayla really is strange,” he muttered to himself, slowly sliding them out of the trunk. He couldn’t decide if they were real or not, and he didn’t feel like touching the blade to find out. The handles were like a mix between plastic and wood which was more than enough for him to make a judgement call.

Eh, fake then.

He twirled them around clumsily, and a plan began to form. A devious little smile began to spread across his face, and he closed and locked her car. He snuck back to the house, careful to stay in the shadows. As luck would have it, it seemed like Rayla had stepped out to take a call.

Perfect.

With her back to him, he began rustling the bushes. She whipped around, free hand slipping to her back. He jumped out, hollering and floundering with the blades.

“Holy hell , Callum! Put those down! No, no— Stop waving them around. And take them back to the car! Jesus , dude. Are you trying to kill someone?” She stayed tense for a moment more before sliding back into a regular, if not enraged, stance. She pulled the phone from her ear, presumably muting it to yell some more at him.

Callum couldn’t help but laugh at the horror and redness creeping across Rayla’s face as he finally let his arms fall to his sides. “It’s just a joke, Ray. You’ve gotta relax.”

“You are so lucky I’m the only one out here! What if someone had seen you? I just—” She ran a hand through her hair roughly, and Callum felt like maybe he was the only one that found the situation funny. “Whatever. Go take them back to the car right now. Then go say bye. We’re leaving.” She turned back to her phone and continued speaking sternly at whoever was on the other line.

He couldn’t understand a word she was saying, but he knew it wasn’t good. He stayed rooted to the spot a few more moments, unsure of what to do. It was getting late, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to go just yet. It was the most logical thing to do, but he hated that she was dictating his actions. Although she was the one with the car today. And he didn’t really know anyone inside anyways. He’d much rather have another movie night with her, Ezran, and their dog, Zym.

“ Seriously , dude. Go .” She jerked her finger in the direction of her vehicle, and he tried his best not to pout. At her worsening glare, he probably didn’t do a good job at schooling his features.

“Fine, fine ,” he snapped. “But I’m going to pretend to be fighting off a wicked dragon the whole way back,” he called. She opened her mouth, but he hurried off before she could get another word out, slashing at invisible enemies with the machetes and tossing in an occasional theatrical grunt.

“ Callum,” she roared, and he heard rushing footsteps behind him.

Oh, heck no! He thought stubbornly. She wasn’t going to catch him, and she sure wasn’t about to ruin the fun for him. If he wanted to run around and flail with her machetes, he was going to. And she was going to be powerless to stop him. “You can’t catch me!” he hollered back, darting forward into the night. He had gotten too much of a head start, even for a trained assassin. She’d catch him eventually, when he was too tired to do much else but sway around.

For now, he’d enjoy the chase. And something told him she did, too. Regardless if she’d ever admit it or not.

[lynxxlynx]

Hi there!! I dont know if anyone has asked this before so I hope it isnt bothering you, but I see people referring to the ghouls by names (Rain, Swiss Army, etc.) and I just wanted to know which one is which? Sometimes I can pick one out (like if they have their instruments on them) but I’m really struggling most of the time haha. I’d love to know all their names and be able to tell them apart better!! I hope this ask doesnt bother you :’) thank you!!!

Hello anon! You’re right, I’ve seen some posts here and there about people asking about this topic but since I am a person who likes to explain things (even if I’m wrong lol) what’s one post more! Here you go:

So from left to right: Aether, Swiss, Short Ghulette, (Cardi C), Mountain, Rain, Tall Ghoulette, and Dewdrop.

Short Ghoulette, Aether, Swiss, Rain, (Cardi C), Mountain, Tall Ghoulette and Dewdrop.

Aether (an aether ghoul. When will he get a nickname?? i’m squinting at you ghost fandom)

He’s maybe the easiest to pick out of the lads because Big Beefy Boy. Usually on the front-left side of the stage. Looks like could punch you to death without effort but is out there just to have fun and throw peace signs (and smooch everybody). Plays the black guitar and usually rolls up his sleeves after getting off the tailcoat. Wears rings on his middle fingers and I’ve seen chain bracelets as well. Spends more time in the air than the air ghouls ever have so if there’s picture of somebody jumping it’s this lad. I also think his mask is a little bit wider than the others’?

Swiss (Swiss army ghoul, Multi ghoul, I think I’ve seen also Shadow etc. Nobody is quite sure what kinda ghoul he is)

He’s The Party In the Back. Puts everyone who claims that you can’t dance to Ghost to shame. Puts also all the chicks in the club swinging their hips to shame. Sometimes he’s got a black guitar but it’s noticeably different to Aether’s (rounder, has white outlines). Sings and shakes some tambourine (and himself (and me tbh)). Without their instruments looks like he and Rain could be identical twin bros half the time. Swiss has a little more puff in his body, wider shoulders and is a bit taller. And looks less lost and awkward. 99% of the time he’s just left from the drum set on stage.

The Ghoulettes (In the order of tall ghoulette name and short ghoulette name: Karen and Pam, Cirrus and Cumulus. Air ghouls)

Up right on the stage where the keyboards are. I think they’re quite easy to tell apart from each other. Tall ghoulette is the one who plays the keytar.

Mountain (I think I’ve seen somebody call him Ivy as well. Earth ghoul)

The drummer dude, really tall lad. Ghoul with no shoes. Either he has shinier shirt than everyone else or he sweats like a mf. I’ve not seen him use his tailcoat much. Usually stands with his back a bit bent.

Rain (A water ghoul)

Plays the bass. He’s the lanky looking one. Usually plays on the front stage, sometimes up back between Mountain and the Ghoulettes. Not so big of a thot as Aether and Dewdrop, and skinnier than Swiss. I’ve not seen him take off his tailcoat. If you see someone looking a bit lost it’s him. (but he’s Doing His Best and I love him very much rock on you cinnamon roll).

Dewdrop (the Skinny Legend, Lil Stompy. A fire ghoul)

Plays the white guitar. Out there to stomp, lick picks and fuck bitches threaten Aether head bang. Gives the vibe that if you look at him funny he’ll probably murder you, your family and your dog and then use your skulls as soup bowls. Will do that also if you don’t look at him. The shortest lad, also really skinny. Rolls up his sleeves after taking the tailcoat off but uses some kinda second black sleeves under his shirt (probably to hide tattoos or something). The one throwing dirty hand gestures. And did I mention the stomping? Jesus Christ.

And that’s the ghouls! And don’t worry, even after watching over hundred live videos of these guys I still had hard time deciding who was in this pic but I have come to the conclusion that it’s Mountain, Swiss, Aether and Dew (edit: that could also be Rain. Jfc this is what I’m talking about!).

[spicydadshowdown]

80s Shera Episode 1 reaction whatever under the cut... is what I would have said if I knew where to find the read more function on mobile.

1. Okay so Adora was stolen away from her mother by Hordak. He also snorts like a pug when he laughs, so theres that.

2. He-man is making spiced bread. He has a green tiger... pet? The cats voice is terrible and I hope I dont have to hear that shit constantly.

3.

😭 cute...

4. Adoras mom is called "The Sorceress"

5. TS is basically like " okay so this door that's been sitting in my dusty ass castle since forever just opened up and I need you to check it out. I have absolutely no idea where it goes or what lies beyond the door, but you should be fine. Oh yeah while you're at it can you deliver this sword to the person whose name I wont disclose to you? Thanks!" Adam rightfully gets snarky with her lmao.

6. I'm not really sure why she doesnt tell him its Adoras sword?

7. The green tigers name is Cringe (Kringe?) which fits perfectly for this abomination to God and my auditory nerves.

8. Jesus, this tiger is actually going to be Adam's companion throughout this entire journey huh? The voice actor is trying to give him this cowardly sounding voice but it's very grating to listen to. But... it is 80s shlock and honestly Catras voice is even worse. Thank God I knew what Catras voice sounded like before going into this because if I didnt know what the fuck was gonna come I would have died from the whiplash.

9. Bow and his weird... whatevers first appearance

10. WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT LMAO. Also whatever this metal..crop top this is has a little cape, but it doesnt exist in this shot.

11. He got slightly more beefy, plus the cape!

12. Heres Catra and Shadow Weaver

13. Scorpia and... that poor unfortunate monster with 4 legs on the left

14. Hordak has a more proactive role than he does in the reboot (which is something that could change over the course of its run), hes planning a trap to catch Adam.

15. Hordaks right arm turns into a fucking laser gun.

16. Glimmer is currently forming a rebellion against the horde. It's nice to see that her leadership role still carries over to the reboot.

17. Theres like... this race of diminutive purple goblins or whatever that live in the woods and I'm too fucking tired to go back and find out what they're actually called. Heres who ever the fuck this is and her talking knock off Fantasia broomstick.

18. Okay so earlier Bow and Adam got into a bar fight with some horde soldiers and now bc of them the entire village of Thaimor is gonna be enslaved by the horde. Nice job fellas.

19. Glimmer rallies her tiny rebellion and goes off to save the villagers of Thaimor! Not sure what a bunch of scraggly lookin dudes with clubs, spears and pitchforks are gonna do against heavily armed militia. But it's the thought that counts!

20. Tbh I cant describe how awful and hilarious Catras voice is, it's something you have to experience for yourself.

21. Adora finally makes an appearance and shes called " Hordaks favorite". That's honestly pretty interesting? I mean I know their dynamic will never be fully fleshed out but lol... Im... Intrigued.

22. Heres Glimmer shooting lasers out of her hands. " For Brightmoon!"

23. Catra can turn into a fucking leopard when she puts her mask on and it's the raddest shit I've ever seen.

24. Glimmer I think still has teleporting powers? Or she can at least disappear and reappear at will.

25. She ready... to Snippy...

26. Okay so I cant remember what this particular type of animation technique is called, but they're definitely drawing over recordings of people and animals moving. Because some of these shots are very fluid and ya know... this is an 80s cartoon they dont have the budget to do decent animations lol. Also sometimes the characters do that Scooby Doo run from the old SD cartoon and it's just really funny to watch.

27. Oh yeah so I almost forgot to mention that Adora is actively taking part in the village siege. Shes fighting against the rebels and doesnt feel guilty about enslaving the villagers. Interesting...

28. He man gets snuffed out when confronting Adora because he was distracted by the glowing sword ( the one he was supposed to deliver to someone ). And it ends with Adora obtaining the sword.

Honestly theres not much I can say about this? I recommend watching this cartoon if you enjoy a good 80s shlockfest... because hoo boy... it be Like That.

[smollandtoll]

HC: The Beautiful Goalie Problem

First order of business: As this is the first Gabriel Landeskog/Tyson Barrie headcanon we are posting we thought you should all enjoy a PRIMER on why they are amazing. You should go explore their tag on AO3 if you are thirsty for more Tall Bossy Europeans banging Slightly Neurotic Canadians With A Sweet Tooth (do we have a type? We might have a type). Other than that you just need to know that Gabe is a Babe and Tyson is cute as a woodland creature. They flirt a lot.

Second order of business: How familiar are you with Lithuanian and sometimes San Jose Sharks Goalie and professional model Mantas Armalis? Here are some photos:

(PSA because we know literally nothing about Mantas Armalis other than that he is beautiful and unashamed of it, he’s a goalie, and he is Lithuanian - we’ve decided to characterize him as like genuinely sweet and secure in his masculinity but Straight)

Our HC starts like this, Armalis is playing for the Sharks (we don’t think he actually is right now), the Avs have a night out after an East coast game and manage to catch a Sharks game in progress at the bar.

We are jumping straight into a universe in which Tyson has a well-known mancrush on Gabe. It’s not even that different from reality, with the calling him a chiseled viking stallion and all. But this is a legit, slightly despairing crush that Tyson is actually pretty decent at dealing with and only occasionally pops its head up when Gabe’s hair looks particularly good or Avs media makes him write a Valentine’s Day card ffs. But Tyson is a fairly flirty guy, and has little to no filter, especially when he’s flustered so no one really takes him that seriously, especially not Gabe. It’s like the ongoing tradition of both complimenting and chirping Gabe is his trademarked ambiguously gay thing. As a gay dude in hockey that would pretty much have to be your specialty - that or utter awkward silence. But still, flirting is a two way street. We’re looking at you, Valentines writing, smiley-eyes giving, clap-backing GABE. But anyway - Tyson has been (casually, low-key, manageably) hung up on Gabe. UNTIL.

The second Tyson sees Armalis he’s just struck dead, eyes wide, beer forgotten in front of him.

“Sweet baby Jesus, I didn't know men could be that beautiful. Like he's making Gabe look like a cabbage patch kid.” He probably says it way too loud and garners the interest of everyone around them including Gabe who heard his name slandered and leans in to see what’s up.

"Gabe move your giant head, you're blocking the view of that beautiful man." Tyson doesn’t even notice the way everyone is looking at them with surprise and amusement mixed with confusion. It seemed to all of them that Tyson was a one beautiful man kind of man but apparently he could be swayed by even more impressive cheekbones.

No one has ever ‘trumped Gabe’s hotness’ before, and Gabe personally finds it pretty amusing at first, the way that Tyson is drooling openly about this other guy. But as the night wears on he gets kind of tired of hearing about how blue and piercing the goalie’s eyes are, how his lips are just so, so perfect. And he’s literally a model!  And an NHL player! Husband material right there.

It definitely goes on like that for a couple weeks, blooming into full crush territory, Tyson occasionally spouting about that beautiful goalie, how he even looks amazing behind a full face mask. The boys all tease him about about his ‘cali boyfriend’, and then continue teasing as he protest by only making increasingly ludicrous claims about Lithuanian goalie’s hotness and starts to turn redder and redder (as he is wont to do). One part of his embarrassment is because of the guys teasing him, and one part by his own blunderingly obvious crush. It’s like Great Wall of China sized by now, like you know when someone tells you to stop talking about something because you’re being annoying but you’re obsessed and you just physically can’t? That’s what he’s like.

The Boys: SO COLD TYS, YOU'RE SO LOVE EM AND LEAVE EM, JUST THE NEXT BEEFY EUROPEAN HUNK YOU CAN FIND, EH??? (towel snaps)

Meanwhile Gabe kind of sits in the wings and gets further and further wound up about it. He knows he’s irrationally fuming, it wasn’t like Tyson really meant anything about these comments, OR about the comments he’d always said about Gabe, but by now they were routine and comfortable. Also Gabe has definitely rarely encountered better looking men than himself, or at least men that other people would be more attracted to, so he’s really not used to the sensation of being sincerely jealous.

The tension in the locker room is probably palpable, Gabe would try SO HARD to laugh it off, "Haha, yes, we all knew about this giant crush Tyson had on me that I in no way reciprocated and that it has moved on to greener pastures, haha."

BUT HE RECIPROCATED HARD. Oh did he reciprocate. He was just waiting for the timing to be right you know?! With the season and all things were delicate and he didn’t want to screw anything up but they seemed to have been circling each other! They were getting closer and closer to some resolution to all the complicated feelings building between them - and BAM suddenly Tys is pining for this other guy? And he’s a world class hottie who would be lucky to have someone like Tyson being in love with them?????

Tys by now is like campaigning all of his contacts for guys that know him or are on the sharks so he can introduce/endearingly embarrass himself (also he’s a little bit self deprecatingly going for guys way out of his league (in his head) so they're unattainable and he can never have love because he doesn't believe he deserves love - like he knows he’s the funny sidekick type not the leading man type etc. and like it’s just safer to hardcore flirt with guys that would never even look at you than to actually try for something and maybe not get it).

Gabe has moved on from pasting uncomfortable smiles on his face and swallowing his jealousy to pasting uncomfortable smiles on his face and openly moping in heartbroken despair when he thinks no one is looking.

But Nate was looking, because Nate knew, Nate knew.  He has 100% been privy to all the times Gabe like took a too-drunk-off-his-ass-from-a-few-coolers Tys home and tenderly tucked him in and made sure he was comfy and not gonna vom -- ABOVE AND BEYOND CAP DUTIES GABE. Nate knows about your dirty Tyson loving secret.

So Gabe is moping hard as we already stated, and Tys is still frothing over another dude - and secretly he's relieved to have another crush, because the thing with Gabe was getting embarrassing for him, it was growing legs and starting not to be able to be just shrugged off. Other people were starting to notice that he was being a little too genuine with his comments with Gabe.

But it’s been long enough, Gabe is tired of moping and he wants to move on, he wants to find peace but he’s never going to find it without addressing his feelings and directly facing what is happening between them so what he gets all his feelings boiled down to sounds like:

I was reading into our friendship...seeing things that weren't there...like actual affection, and I was just a convenient piece of ass, I guess.

Still feeling hurt and upset about that, but still loving Tys, because he's a genuine dude - but also just trying to reconcile the things he's now hearing Tys blatantly say about this other guy - those things he used to awkwardly stifle when Gabe came into the room in his towel and shower sandals.

Gabe is HURT. Tys is in DENIAL/SELF LOATHING. Nate is so TIRED.

There would then have to be a lot of Nate like meddling/trying to get them to use their words. But, as it goes, anger/resentment would probably mix into the sludge of emotions and trigger Gabe back around to envy, making him posture and be Extra Babe™ and kind of torture Tys. Which, unfortunately, only makes him re-double his focus on Armalis.

But that, in turn probably makes Armalis notice Tys because he is legitimately so cute and also all these tweets about him are so flattering and sweet! And not-gay flirting is what Tys excels at, like he knows most of the dudes he flirts with aren’t gay, and he’s not gonna pressure them, but it’s just for fun and they like it cause he’s such a bro and everyone likes compliments right?

Anyway so Armalis responds - he flirts back! No harm in flirting! He's not actually gay but crushes are real! No reason to be rude! Maybe a photo! Maybe they could hang out!  

So it’s just a chill mild flirty friendship with the added bonus of maybe helping Tyson acclimatise to super hot euro dudes.

(The Sharks social media and the Avs social media have been exchanging eyeball emojis about all this and swapping DMs about trying to figure out how to use this friendship to a publicity advantage)

But then Armalis posts a couple of instagram selfies of them pre-game next time the sharks are in town. Cue Gabe losing his fucking MIND about it. At first he's like “BRB, I'm gonna go jump off the roof of the Pepsi Center.” but then he's like “....you know what? NO. THAT'S MY CHIPMUNK. YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM. I'M GOING TO BEAM ALL OF MY THOUSAND WATT VIKING SUN GOD FURY AT YOU MORTAL.”

But first there’s a lot of venting to long suffering Nate and probably whatever Swedish phone tree exists in the NHL (don’t tell us there’s not a Swedish phone tree, if there’s a Russian knitting circle there’s a Swedish phone tree).

Swedish group chat probably:

Horny: No sympathy, you gotta lock down your man

Karlsson:...haha!! he's so much better looking than you!!

Backstrom: please stop adding me to these things

Lundqvist: 😏🍆

So, probably, after he’s ranted a lot about it, the wind goes out of Gabe’s sails and he wilts hard and thinks he's lost his babe-aliciousness and gets real depressed about it, y’know that thundercloud disassociating in the locker room and feeling sorry for himself.

Tyson definitely notices that, and probably goes to Nate with a, "Woah wait WTF is happening with Gabe?" and Nate manfully resists beating his head into something concrete and replies with "Nice of you to notice you broke his heart there, bud"

Tyson: HOW? I NEVER HAD SAID HEART!

Nate: (withering look)

But also, Tys and Armalis have grown an Actual Friendship™ and Tys probably tells him all about what’s happening with Gabe, and just all about Gabe in general, and how he is like actually probably legitimately in love with him.

And Armalis with all the cliche wisdom of a usual hockey bro: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, you know.

Tyson: are you quoting Gretzky at me?

Armalis: Go get your man already!

And then Tys has to dig Gabe out of his new den of sadness and candy wrappers and tell him he loves him and wants to tease him forever and have his giant headed babies and stuff. And like, that’s love, because think of the birth canal. Gabe: TYSON-

BONUS:

Tyson: (Dreamy sigh) what do you think lithuanian dirty talk sounds like

Nate: BRUTES.

Tyson: What?! Don't tell me you haven't watched Russian porn Nate, because I'd call you a LIAR.

[rantceratops]

Secrets

It’s been a while since I did one of my rewatch posts, and what better episode to hop back into the swing of things than Secrets? I remember the morning after this episode aired, I got my mom to sit down and watch it with me over breakfast because Artemis and Zee kicked so much ass and I figured she’d appreciate that (as well as the Marvin the Martian reference, hehe).

Nothing bad ever happens on Halloween, amiright?

I like how that museum curator guy just happens to decide that he REALLY needs to say the Beowulf sword incantation for that cop, you know, just in case some wacko in a cut up trench coat is crouching up in the rafters nearby and might need it or something. How considerate! (dude, you could have prevented this ENTIRE episode from happening if you had not said that. YOU HAD ONE JOB.)

“Mediocrity such as this is never far from Harm.” Is Harm insinuating that he attracts mediocrity? I know he means that as a compliment to himself but I just can’t help but see it as he’s a loser so he attracts other losers.

Harm reminds me of a guy that I went to high school with, that always had really long hair and wore all black and a trench coat like all the fucking time. I shit you not I think of that guy every time I watch this episode, the resemblance is uncanny.

In fact now I’m just imagining that Harm was some fucking edgelord that was like obsessed with old legends and creepy shit and then somehow got stuck on the Beowulf legend and the sword and started taking things too far. 

LOL, Museum Curator is like okay see you guys, we’re fucked.

“The legends say the heart must be pure, they never said pure good.” You know, he really does have a point. 

“Really, you’re not going to join in? What kind of wolf are you?” The kind that doesn’t respond to what arguably sounds like an actual dying dog, Wally.

Leave it to Conner to get Megan to wrap some toilet paper all over him and call himself a mummy. (I’m just kidding it’s probably not toilet paper but still)

Wally please stop with your face

Awww, poor Billy! He wants to hang out with the Team! He’s so precious <3

AW YEAH AND HERE ARE THE LADIES OF THE HOUR. (well actually of the half hour but)

Okay, I really do not fucking have a clue as to why, but for some reason whenever I see Artemis in that vampire get-up my brain likens her to one of those uh... ugh, that Scooby-Doo movie with the three sisters that sang in it? Were they humans or vampires? I don’t remember but for some odd ass reason I get vibes of one of those chicks (or all of them?) from Artemis the vampire. IT’S WEIRD.

Also why didn’t they give Artemis fangs. LOST. OPPORTUNITY.

On a shippers note I find it interesting that Wally is a werewolf and Artemis is a vampire. Obviously those two creatures of the night are often heavily entwined, be it as star-crossed lovers a la Underworld, or something more like Van Helsing. I wonder if the choice was intentional, or perhaps coincidental... considering there is 0 Wally and Artemis interaction in this episode. (kind of a shame, tbh, I feel there might have been some funny potential in at least having them comment on each other’s costumes or something at the beginning) Not to mention the fact that Artemis’s angry attitude in this episode has a whole lot to do with Wally, despite no interaction.

The Justice League didn’t have a Halloween Party!? WHAT A BUNCH OF LOSERS.

You know, I don’t believe that Wally or Artemis were really 100% oblivious to Conner and M’gann being a thing. I think for both of their parts it was something more along the lines of wishful thinking, or perhaps shrugging off certain blatant signs of affection as nothing more than friendship. Considering that Greg said neither Wally nor Artemis took the revelation as hard as they appear to (moreso in Artemis’s case, as Wally gets over it pretty much immediately compared to her) I think that deep down they were both kidding themselves. As has been said many times before, Conner and M’gann were merely distractions for both of them, somewhere to focus their affections when they were too scared to admit they liked the other, or when the other seemed unobtainable to them. Crutch crushes, if you will. For Artemis, Wally seemed out of reach, so she went back to hot, beefy Conner; for Wally, his intense and undeniable feelings for Artemis began to scare him, so he went back to safe, sweet Megan instead of confronting those feelings.

“You are so making this up to me later.” I think we all know what that means...

“Girl’s night out.”

Artemis is like AW YEAH MISPLACED AGGRESSION TIME. 

“I know Artemis isn’t shooting straight. For starter’s she isn’t Green Arrow’s niece.” “What?” “Well, yeah, in fact she’s related to--”  Awww, Dick was just so unconcerned about it and I love that. Like, he KNOWS and he doesn’t even consider for two seconds that Artemis is the Team mole. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: DICK AND ARTEMIS’S FRIENDSHIP IS SO IMPORTANT. (if you don’t think that Dick hacked into the Bat-computer and looked up info on Artemis pretty much the night she joined then you’re wrong)

Four for you, YJ Bats, sticking up for Artemis’s right to have a secret identity! See, this is the kind of times that I like Batman.

Why does Dick almost seem sad about there not being a traitor? I never could quite figure out what that expression of his is supposed to mean, unless it’s just a kind of like “I’m stumped” kind of sad/deflated thing. IDK

I was sooooo glad we got an episode of Zee and Artemis being badasses on motorcycles, considering those two were absent for the brief motorcycle fun times in Schooled.

I also liked the headcanon that Zatanna was borrowing Robin’s motorcycle in this episode, huehue. (too bad it uh... blew up)

I fucking love that Artemis has this kind of... like, attitude of being pissed off and just wanting to pummel the shit out of something instead of actually talk about it, especially considering it’s a matter of the heart. I don’t think Artemis follows the closed off trope per se, but she’s just so convinced that Wally doesn’t want her and that the Team would shun her if they found out about her family that she’s closing herself off where she normally wouldn’t.  Like, I love that Zatanna tries to be a good friend and let her talk it out, but Artemis is only interested and venting some of her pent up anger on some hapless bastards. Her feelings and her secrets are eating her up from the inside out at this point.

“What I need is something to beat up.”

God Artemis is such a badass, can we just appreciate the fact that she’s a badass enough archer to fucking nail very precise targets from a moving vehicle? And then like, punches some guy as she’s driving past and finishes him off? 

Harm is a fucking creeper.

“You know, there were easier ways to take them.” “Pfft, they had it coming, no harm done.” THAT’S RIGHT ARTEMIS YOU KICK BITCHES IN THE FACE. (especially considering the implications of what they were going to do when circling that blonde girl... they definitely deserved the punishment Artemis dished out)

“We get it, your name is Harm!” 

“Their ridiculous garb--” Excuse me? Coming from the guy with no shirt on and a ripped up trench coat thing? Come on brah, who’s really ridiculous here? My ladies have style!

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Zatanna’s awesome flip thing while saving Artemis, shall we?

Oh my god I forever love that Zatanna changes her fucking boots mid chase sequence because they’re impractical. XD

I’m always just a little bit disappointed that the dagger that slices Artemis’s mask didn’t leave a bloody scratch. Like, they could have gotten away with a red line on her cheek to represent it being a scratch. Idk, I’ve seen fics where she does have one and Wally asks about it and stuff like that, I choose to headcanon it nicked her skin.

I also kind of like that Zatanna lasts about two seconds against Harm but Artemis holds her own for a good minute or so. My point being that there’s an obvious contrast in each of their training, that Zatanna probably doesn’t physically fight very much due to her spells, where as Artemis is quite proficiently trained in melee as well as her bow and arrows. It’s also an interesting contrast in that they’re both technically “ranged” heroes if you will, but one of them is still more melee inclined than the other. This is in no way saying Zatanna is weak, I’m sure she at least knows some basic fighting/defense, I’m sure Zatara would’ve taught her something, but Artemis is clearly the winner here, especially with her upbringing (god knows all the shit Lawrence taught her). And in general I greatly appreciate that Artemis could have very easily just been the stereotypical “girl’s are ranged” trope with no combat prowess at all, but instead she’s inclined to both ways of fighting and in fact spends the majority of season 2 fighting melee with a sword. 

Appreciation time for the rooftop fight, as the choreography for it is particularly top-notch!

Also, Artemis is fierce!

“You wanna play without the toys?”

Artemis, please, stop, you can’t just unleash that much of your badassery at once, it’s bad for my health!

Shipper goggles: When Harm hits Artemis in the face I’m always just like wondering how Wally would have reacted to that. For no other reason than shipper reasons. I would’ve just loved to see him be all like AW HELL NAW and just rush Harm recklessly and probably get his ass whooped.

“The martians are coming, the martians are coming!” Oh my fucking GOD this part cracks me the fuck up every time.

“Watch out! They have disintegration rays!” Conner, honey, I can tell you that you’re not getting an Oscar for that line delivery anytime soon.

THE CORNY ASS MUSIC I CANT

Wally is so silent this whole episode, though, tbh. He has like two lines at the beginning and then yells about martians, but other than that he’s completely silent, it’s weird.

SUDDENLY IT’S SAW UP IN HERE.

ARTEMIS AND ZEE USING STOVE GAS TO BLOW HIM THE FUCK UP, A++.

Oh, man, Artemis getting so... just absolutely fucking livid when she finds out that Harm murdered his sister. “You did this! To your own sister! And you had the gall to write beloved!” Like, she can’t even imagine doing that to Jade, or Jade doing that to her. They are very obviously on the opposite sides of the law, but when it comes down to it Jade nor Artemis would ever do anything that would kill the other, they love each other, and the idea that someone could do that to their own sibling just fucking appalls her.

“It can’t fight us while it fights itself!” FUCK HIM UP, ART!

How does that boot taste, mother fucker?!

“I still can’t believe someone could do that to his own sister... I mean if my...”

:((( Artemis you hurt me.

[nurpowurpo]

Gives him little kisses n shakes him he’s so bbg

[nurpowurpo]

Eeehahahahdughdhvishdkghskskrntjsjsgfj shakes him I like how this turned out. Tee hee funny Surge lore