#funeral parlour professionals

[globalindeed]

Important Factors to Remember While Planning a Funeral Event

Funeral homes are responsible for organising a grand funeral for a loved one who has just passed away. For this, they offer a wide range of funeral services that they can deliver only when they have the necessary details related to your family and the deceased. These details make funeral services very easy to compile and customise, and here are the details of the most important information they want.

PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT THE DECEASED

Experts from top funeral parlours require initial details to prepare the funeral package to your budget. This information includes the full name of the deceased, the middle name, date of birth, and the date of passing away. Other details are also required, such as the occupation, place of birth, marital status and number of children.

FUNERAL DIRECTORS

This information and the contact details of the local funeral director are the second pieces of information needed to make funeral arrangements. The funeral director from the chosen funeral parlour is responsible for organising all the elements of the event, including transportation for the loved one, guidance and support to the family, and arrangements to streamline the process.

ALL-INCLUSIVE FUNERAL SERVICES

A significant role of funeral parlour professionals is to help you choose from different funeral styles. After discussing your preferences and desires related to the funeral event, they will arrange funeral packages based on your budget. These professionals will explain and ensure that the funeral service you choose is all-inclusive and reflects the true character and personality of your family and the deceased.

DETERMINE THE VENUE

The funeral director will also help you choose the venue. In most cases, the venue selection depends on the type and size of the service. For example, a traditional funeral service can be organised in a chapel or a church. At the same time, some other venue can be chosen if you have decided on a grand ceremony that has a special meaning and you want to pay tribute to your loved one.

These professionals will also arrange funeral music readings and prayers for the event. They understand that they are the perfect way to say goodbye and pay special tribute to the deceased while providing comfort and support to family and friends.

[dxstopiaa]

Vocal Veneration

Synopsis: Lately, the Traveller can’t help but notice a alteration in someone’s behaviour. Seems like an interrogation is due.

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao, Childe, Ayato, Al Haitham and Diluc x Fem! Reader.

Warnings: None, the tiniest bit suggestive.. [I thought i’d try this cute idea out! <3 but i’ve been so tired and demotivated with school and family issues sigh, my eyes (ᗒᗣᗕ)]

Zhongli

About You: Impressions

Hm [Name]? Ah, a truly polite and welcoming young woman. She often accompanies me with affairs regarding Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, insisting on lessening my workload. I consider her a suitable role model for the children of Liyue. Excuse me? Are you insinuating that there’s something i’m not informing you of? Ahem, that is information i shan’t tell you just yet.

About You: Godhood

I had intended to keep my identity as Morax a secret, yet some citizens are more observant than i thought. She was the first to recognise such as she was a devoted follower of Rex Lapis, i find myself flattered. What? No, [Name] did not worship me after she knew i could hear her every request. She apologised profusely afterwards, and was quite embarrassed. Adorable.

About You: Betrothal

Ah, Traveller. Here, this is my engagement invite, i’d appreciate your appearance at the function. Oh, you saw this coming? Hah…I suppose it can’t be helped, perhaps love is inevitable as they say, i shall not make the same mistake, not again. Why, you ask? No matter, let’s not spoil the mood with a lengthy monologue, Farewell till then, my friend.

Xiao

About You: Impressions

[Name]? The individual who often pays her respects at the adepti shrine? I watch her from afar, sometimes she notices— but she doesn’t say much apart from a simple greeting. It’s refreshing to see a young mortal appreciating us nowadays where our job becomes less prominent. What do you mean my voice is quieter? It’s not.

About You: Karma

Whenever i’m with [Name], my karmic debt seems to take less of a toll on me. That burning sensation encasing my heart dissipates. She makes it bearable enough to manage. On some nights, she brings me gifts and food to take my mind from the terrors. Huh? I’m in love? Hmph. Foolish mortal emotions don’t interest me.

About You: Acceptance

So be it, as you predicted, me and her have grown rather close. No— this does not give you the opportunity to tease me for it. Adepti should value the short lifespans of humans, via protection but also expression, i was told. This doesn’t sound like me, you say? Hm, i fail to understand what you mean.

Childe

About You: Impressions

Ah! The illustrious traveller also knows of my co-worker! [Name] is quite unique, no? At first, she came off as a little apprehensive but she no longer hesitates to spend time with me exclusively. What was that? Professionalism and relationships should remain separate? Nonsense. This isn’t a romantic amour!

About You: Combat

I feel a sense of pride knowing that i have managed to teach someone how to master the rules of combat! It was only necessary, i couldn’t bear to witness my dearest injured. Wait! In the name of the Tsarista, promise not to tell [Name] i called her so, will you? Comrade, It was a minor meaningless slip up!

About You: Family

Ah, how i wish to return to the confines of Snezhnaya. I’m certain that Teucer and Tonia will adore [Name] too! She’s so sweet behind that closed-off persona, perhaps i can declare my love for her in person prior…Oh, you’re volunteering to help me? I’d adore some aid here, confessing isn’t exactly easy, you know.

Ayato

About You: Impressions

Do i know [Name]? Certainly, she is my wife after all. Hm, you were unaware? Is it really that shocking? Ah, it is not at all rare to see a commissioner with someone of a higher or alike status. It’s not that, you say? So you’re suggesting something about my personality. I see… I’d estimated you’d react this way nonetheless.

About You: Workload

As the Yashiro Commissioner, I am not exempt from towers of overflowing paperwork and contracts. My role, keeping peace between the Tri-Commission, can be quite taxing from time to time. Luckily enough, my beloved never fails to provide me with her delicious cooking and endearing words. [Name] brews the best milk tea for me, care to try some? I have a fresh batch ready.

About You: Heir

Oh my— why do you ask of such a thing? Surely this is too soon to be conversing about children, no? While we do intend to, ahem, expand the Kamisato bloodline, i fear of my duties interfering with my role as an attentive father for my child. Of course, the welfare of my dearest wife comes first. Hm, my face is flushed pink? False.

Al Haitham

About You: Impressions

[Name] is notably the only person i get along with, as she understands the definition of ‘boundary’. Not entirely ignorant but not annoyingly persistent either. I quite often find the saying that opposites attract to be outdated. Like-minded people are worth spending time with. Hmph, you know i did not mean it in that way.

About You: Akademiya

Why do you ask? I surmise it wouldn’t be too taxing to let you know. We were classmates within the Haravatat Darshan. She’d buy me food and drinks in return for working on projects together as she insisted. I accepted the offer, certainly better than joining the other entitled scholars. We must of been close? Huh, we still are. What’s so shocking? I’m not that arrogant.

About You: Emotions

I am least fond of expressing my feelings, i thought it was pointless and a partial waste of my energy when i can resolve such issues with my own logic. Admittedly, i was incorrect. [Name] always offered her time to listen to my very few words and i’d listen to hers. Fair exchange, i called it then. It wasn’t until an argument broke out that i learned not all experience comes from books, sometimes from people. Those words of hers became a principle to me.

Diluc

About You: Impressions

My spouse, [Name]? I don’t think i would know where to begin in terms of describing what i think of her. Loving, caring, humorous, gorgeous—need i continue? You’ve never met her formally…why don’t i invite you personally to Dawn Winery for an evening meal. She’d love to get to know you. Good, it’s settled then.

About You: Winery

After being left with the responsibility of the business at eighteen, i’ve developed a routine which i’ve mostly stayed consistent with. Having a family of my own now, there’s no doubt it is much different. Hm? My winery is big enough to accommodate them? Haha, they surely liven it up, keeping my wife and i busy as of late. Don’t worry, i treat her to all she likes afterwards with my income, wine and luxuries.

About You: Children

What—? No, i am contented with my two children. Hah, any more and i believe i wouldn’t be able to multitask between my profession and duties. Though i do quite like the idea of staying home on paternity leave with my beloved [Name]. Again, please, i request you not to suggest such…topics, my wife is already teasing me, not you too.

[newhavenfunerals]

Comprehensive Guide to Funeral Parlours in Brisbane

Planning a funeral is a delicate task, and finding the right funeral parlour in Brisbane is crucial for arranging a respectful and dignified farewell. Brisbane’s funeral parlours offer various services tailored to the needs of grieving families, from personalised ceremonies to flexible arrangements that honour each individual’s unique life and legacy.

Services Offered by Funeral Parlours in Brisbane

Funeral parlours in Brisbane provide a wide range of services to support families through this challenging time. Here’s a look at some of the essential services to consider when selecting a funeral parlour.

Traditional and Contemporary Funeral Services

Funeral parlours in Brisbane cater to both traditional and modern preferences. Traditional services often include religious or cultural customs, while contemporary services may focus on celebrating life through personalised themes and multimedia presentations. Whether a family prefers a traditional, spiritual service or a modern celebration of life, Brisbane funeral parlours offer flexible solutions to accommodate varying needs and customs.

Cremation and Burial Options

Choosing between cremation and burial is a personal decision, and Brisbane funeral parlours provide support for both options. Cremation is often considered an affordable and eco-friendly option, while burial allows for a permanent resting place. Many funeral parlours offer complete packages that include the necessary arrangements, legal documentation, and assistance in selecting an appropriate memorial site.

Grief Support and Counselling

Funeral parlours in Brisbane understand the emotional challenges families face, and many provide grief support and counselling services. These services help family members process their grief in a safe environment, offering support groups, one-on-one counselling, and resources to aid emotional healing. Access to grief support can be an essential part of the funeral planning process, helping families find comfort and resilience.

The Importance of Personalised Services

Personalising a funeral service allows families to honour their loved one’s unique personality, passions, and achievements. Here are a few ways Brisbane funeral parlours can help personalise the farewell ceremony:

Memory Displays: Many families find comfort in displaying photographs, awards, and memorabilia that reflect their loved one’s life. Funeral parlours can help families set up these displays to celebrate and remember the deceased.

Customised Music and Media: Music plays a significant role in evoking memories and emotions. Funeral parlours often allow families to select meaningful songs, poems, or even create video tributes as part of the service.

Unique Venues: For families wanting to hold the service outside of a traditional chapel, some Brisbane funeral parlours offer flexibility in venue selection. Whether in a favourite park, beach, or family home, choosing a meaningful setting enhances the significance of the ceremony.

Choosing the Right Funeral Parlour in Brisbane

Selecting a funeral parlour is a personal decision. To make the process easier, consider the following factors:

Reputation and Reviews

When searching for a reliable funeral parlour in Brisbane, start by researching online reviews and testimonials. Recommendations from friends and family members can also provide valuable insights. A funeral parlour with a strong reputation for compassion, professionalism, and excellent service can ease the burden during a difficult time.

Services and Packages

Different funeral parlours offer a variety of service packages, from basic arrangements to more comprehensive options. It's important to compare offerings to determine which services best suit the family’s needs and budget. Consider asking for an itemised list of costs to ensure transparency and help with budgeting.

Experienced Staff and Support

Experienced staff play a crucial role in providing respectful and efficient service. Many funeral parlours in Brisbane have trained professionals who are sensitive to family needs, guiding them through the legal and logistical steps with empathy and respect. Staff should also be prepared to assist with any cultural or religious customs important to the family.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are answers to a few common questions about funeral parlours in Brisbane:

How much does a funeral service typically cost?

Funeral costs vary depending on factors such as the type of service, venue, and additional features. Basic services may start at a modest price, while more personalised or elaborate arrangements can increase the cost. Requesting a detailed breakdown from your chosen funeral parlour can help with planning.

Can a funeral service be arranged at a non-traditional venue?

Yes, many funeral parlours in Brisbane offer flexibility in venue selection. Services can be held in unique settings, from local parks to private residences, to honour the individual’s life and preferences.

Conclusion

Choosing a funeral parlour in Brisbane is an important decision that requires consideration and sensitivity. By selecting a trusted provider, families can create a meaningful farewell that respects their loved one’s wishes and provides comfort to grieving family members. With comprehensive services, personalisation options, and grief support, Brisbane’s funeral parlours are dedicated to helping families navigate this challenging time with compassion and respect.

Source From : Comprehensive Guide to Funeral Parlours in Brisbane

[ohimesama]

2.6.23 Monday

5:30 am

I'm gonna show them what is the real caregiver looks in Japan and in upper society... The employer on the upper society will never get jealous on me... A caregiver must be matured!

Probably they will hate me in Lacub...

In Japan they will never get a low class caregiver and mostly a college graduate just went down for emergency cases... Probably the people in lacub are ignorant...

7am Punch-In but 7:21 am

On going morning routine...

I saw Kuya OJ and I just said You will not have a trip using his tricycle now? I just flipped my hand negatively that meaning mind your own life...

It looks like he is copying me and now very angelic face...

RC wanting of recognition... Nausea...

8:12 am

8:30 am

I talked to Ms Yoj, she mentioned that issue not here, the big house on the corner lot at the end side of this street... That the issue there it was about big money,about five-six....Someone went in and shot the father there... But I told her that the people told me that, the body was just brought right away by the Funeral Parlour.. She agreed on me yeah! The body was right way fetched by a funeral car.

But some statement she just agreed with me... Anyways, I just want our safety here, me and Anid as professional caregiver here in R-None.

Coz Mommy Adnil has a money here and that is my fear as a leader of Avon... My fear the issue about her gay son killed her husband, what if the gay-son will visit here and hostage us coz of Mommy Adnil's wealth.

9:01 am

I need to be active again on radio angels... If I have money I'm planning to buy a radio, baofeng.

9:08 am

9:56 am

Kuya Eidor was the tricycle driver who brought me here this morning...

10:05 am

I still have the windblow trap and I hate that cult of ManaloZ...

I still hope & pray to buy starbucks everyday... Still, wishing to have my own life....I wanna join a dog show for my baby John.

I wanna do gluta shots and remove my varicose veins on both of my legs due to stress started this weird pandemic...

I wanna meet new upper bf's and friends where I can find my true beat... But meeting good people along the way,if they can offer a genuine friendship...I will be very,very,happy...

10:29 am

Uncle DD just gave me ring call....

10:34 am

Wanna be a Billionaire...

10:57 am

Beautiful Lawyer Sinclair is hiding at the back of the curtain... Always with her aristocrat dog, every trial and court she's been through and will have...

I saw her once on TV but I know she would never wanted to be famous here...But what a beautiful Sinclair, a sun I can say....

I'm trying to find the picture of Sinclair but for sure she would not love to be posted....A high-class lawyer....One of the true stars....

12:56 noon

Mommy Adnil's lunchie...

2:07 pm

The 3 eggs of eat bulagah having a links with here probably on Kuya OJ for that GR thingy...

Hmm....What about the fake Manaloz? I go for "sinclair" ... Why will they will request for a GR? What a thick-face group...

GR is a law in the Philippines where it is legal for that particular group to kill, having links with some police and most specially the personalities on TV like the Pepsi Paloma issue of tito,vic and Joey...

Will probably GR is "We believe that the accused is guilty of frustrated murder." Sample situation of GR such as of case here on Kuya OJ who wore his Pepsi Jacket twice and changing his facial expression into a monster...

Or was it coming from Boy Abunda and some ManaloZ? There is a flow of GR on TV and outside the TV... What about GR for Boy? If he is traitor?

I go for "Sinclair"....A real sun... A genuine beauty....Save me Sinclair....

7:55 pm

Thanks Kuya Eidor for fetching me tonight, this am and tonight...

He is the one who is having a heart disease... What am I gonna do? But to comfort him to pray for more life and help and miracle...

Kuya Salve called me but Kuya Eidor already fetched me...

Probably on Thursday but never Kuya OJ, coz Pepsi hint I take it seriously...

Kuya OJ has a printed name inside his tricycle named "Popoy"... as far as I can remember...

2 days ago or 3 days ago, I saw my dog had a strange behaviour... Whenever I go to my office-house work on Mommy Adnil, my baby dog the usual thing he is sleeping like a baby...

I saw my dog just sitting on my feet near me and under the table near me as if he was protecting me on something... It happened 2 consecutive days...The first one my baby dog went to me on the sofa and kissing me, but it was too early...I can sensed that there was a planned on me to be killed by that Kuya OJ... He wore the Pepsi twice on the 2nd time it was just weird. Kuya OJ face particularly his eyes were like monster.

I know Kuya OJ can read this ,this am he was there on the main road as well, looking at me... I need my angels,he sounds like a muslim...

2 days ago, John is crying while sleeping but this time differently...I felt that I'm a ghost and seeing my dog will cry and will be super lonely if I die...

10:50 pm

Probably will stream if I still have energy on Tagged...

I still have the windblow trap... I need new friends along the way and upper friends having good face that can help me to go back to my original beat and who can lift me... Having sanity and fair mindset... Religious but matured!

[grislyintentions]

“Indeed. I have read some of the interview articles Miss Charlotte published over the years. She appears to be an individual of strong integrity and possesses an open mind to learning more about other professionals in various fields. Having her interview you will not only be a good platform to get the parlour’s name out there, it will also avoid certain….legal complications.” 

All the filing of paperwork necessary seems too convoluted a process for their short stay here. 

“I see you’ve heard of her. Do enlighten me, as a proclaimed eccentric person yourself, what manner of behaviour from Miss Charlotte do you find eccentric?” 

Truth be told, he’s rather amused at the irony of it all. But that does loan some interest to hearing what the Director has to say. 

“A mutual friend of ours from Mondstadt recently suggested a visit to the cathedral to me. They believe the nuns there would know more about their funeral arrangements and customs. How does that sound?”

@papilio-anima

[immortaljackal]

Layla Jacquel, every time she’s in Cairo and learns that her father and/or uncle have invited someone else to stay in one of the rooms within the funeral parlour:  “I did not know we were running a Dead, Bed, and Breakfast here.”

[williamrgroves]

When someone you love passes away it can be a very difficult time. An appropriate funeral arrangement and execution are vital to helping families adjust in the wake of a death. As a Picton funeral home, William R Groves listens to you and arrange the type of service you want. For more information, contact us today!

[1eaf-me-alone]

Part 3 of genshin glasses?

Genshin characters with glasses part 3 :) *this is a re-upload because I forgot to add the ask * I tried making it so the glasses would fit their style and personality (the characters were specially requested by the person doing the ask. Including: Hu Tao, Beidou, Keqing, Kujou Sara and Eula. Hu tao:

very simple, and plain— black glasses decorated with 2 small red flowers on the sides.

Though quite simple it does suit our funeral parlour director Hu Tao, with a simplistic design and some cute florals

no-one knows if Hu Tao even needs the glasses, maybe she just brings them to draw the customers in

very cute on her, everyone loves it.

just imagining small Hu Tao with these glasses -

Beidou:

Is wearing these dark brown/ black glasses with some gold flakes and small hints on an underlying green.

though she is wearing an eye patch on one eye (for reasons we don’t know) she still needs glasses for her other eye

i don’t think her sight is that bad actually, being at sea all day and having to spot the islands makes her eyesight impeccable in that case, but reading small letters on treasure maps for example is another’s

i think the glasses suit her incredibly well. No-one can disagree with me.

Keqing:

is wearing these dark purple glasses with different shades of purple stripes.

her glasses have to be quite clean and professional as she is the yuheng of the Liyue Qixing she needs to keep her discreetness and professionally

desperately needs glasses, her eyes are burnt out from the poor lack of sunlight she uses whilst reading documents

also needed them since very young.

Probably becomes embarrassend or flushed if someone points them out or compliments her.

Kujou Sara:

is wearing these dark navy glasses with a red accent

makes her look quite stern and clever (she is but accentuates those features out even more with glasses.)

she isn’t one to choose patterened or styled or colourful glasses

just needs a simple dark colour.(she is quite honoured and looked up to after all, and people might not take her seriously if she’s going around with bright pink glasses)

she’s quite a private person, so no-one knows why she needs glasses and people are too scared to ask.

Eula:

has blue glasses with a small ombré o different coloured blues

they are quite fancy, but also simple at the same time

glasses fit for an aristocrat.

the colours and the light blues fit with the Lawrence Clan logo

it fits her eyes- her purpl-ish eyes it really points them out.

idk just in general they seem quite posh, and it works with the way Eula talks and he manners.

- part four? Tell me if you want one

edit: I’ve already been requested for a part four , if you wanted to ask then I will do more parts so you can try then .

[i-dream-of-emus]

In September, Ciara Baxendale and her Wooden Overcoats co-stars finished recording the fourth and final series.

⚰🪦

Tom Crowley tweeted, 'Last week, @OvercoatsWooden left the studio for the very last time. Read my account of the world's best studio-recorded podcast sitcom about two rival professionals working in the funerary profession'

If you've never listened to Wooden Overcoats, get to it!

'Rudyard Funn and his equally miserable sister Antigone run their family’s failing funeral parlour, where they get the body in the coffin in the ground on time.

But one day they find everyone enjoying themselves at the funerals of a new competitor – the impossibly perfect Eric Chapman!

With their dogsbody Georgie, and a mouse called Madeleine, the Funns are taking drastic steps to stay in business…'

[globalindeed]

The Most Common Elements Included In Funeral Services

Different aspects of funeral services are there that are very interesting to understand. Funeral homes these days offer tailor-made services, where they can combine and customise the services they offer to create a package that makes the event completely specific as per their client's requirements. They offer a wide range of services that you can avail based on your requirements, budget and traditions.

Funeral Services

The most common inclusion in funeral packages offered by funeral parlours is funeral services. This service is presided over by the celebrant or a church member. It is a kind of formal gathering and can be organised at a church, a funeral home or at the deceased's residence. The decision is on the family, whether they want it to be religious, traditional, spiritual, modern or simply a celebration of life.

As a part of funeral services, you will have different options to choose from, and some of them are listed below.

●        Choice of funeral venue

●        Theme or specific dress code

●        Photo mural or video display to greet guests

●        Choice of music

●        Hand-decorated coffin and more

Cremation or Burial

Funeral services also include the preferred method of body disposal, and one could choose between cremation and burial. This decision is influenced by several factors like culture, religion, family traditions and so on. Some religions only advocate burial, while there are some, like the Hindu tradition, where only cremation is allowed.

Embalming

This service is included in the funeral packages only when requested by the family or the deceased. It is a chemical treatment carried out by a qualified professional, where they disinfect and preserve the body after death. Embalming is done for several reasons like – 

●        The deceased is being transferred interstate or overseas

●        There is a longer than the average wait between death and funeral service

●        To improve the appearance of the deceased before a viewing

●        The deceased has specified in their wishes that they wish to have an above-ground burial in a vault or crypt

[kaevillette]

listen idk what it is but there's something about bringing such a refined and put together man like zhongli to his absolute breaking point like plz sir let me tease you in public i-

Breaking Point

Characters :: Zhongli

Scenario :: To reduce a God to his knees was a thing few have ever achieved.

Warnings :: Filth, NSFW, sub Zhongli

A/N :: I started listening to Blah Blah Blah on repeat and now all I can think about is writing Diluc & Kaeya brother angst. Also, I know this isn't quite what was requested but I hope it suffices!

Zhongli always had an air of professionalism about him. Not once straying from the role he had decided to play in this era, as the funeral consultant of Wangsheng Funeral Parlour. It was rare for him to take even the slightest second to himself, lest his mind catches up with him.

This all changed when you appeared. Equally, as refined and graceful, you entered his life like the morning sun; gentle and warm. You took his life in stride, embracing his past struggles and letting him live as a human amongst the streets of Liyue. One could say you were as gentle as the passing breeze, or simply a polished gemstone amongst the dull and mundane rocks.

But as soft and refined as you looked on the outside, as he delved deeper into your life, he uncovered the sadist streak you harboured under the surface. It was almost a refreshment for the ex archon. To lose his control, lose his resolve and even his mind. You loved to tease Zhongli, especially while he worked.

"My love... Do we have to do this here?" Zhongli's voice was breathy and strained, not wanting to get caught in such a compromising situation. Jaw clenched and knuckles white as he tipped his head back while you continued to run your hands over his thighs and clothed erection.

Looking at the man through lidded eyes and a gentle smirk, you tutted and squeezed his cock, earning a gasp from the consultant. "Of course we do, my dear Morax. I need to see if your voice is really as sweet as they say."

©Kaevillette, ©vidyaddhara - Do Not Copy, Redistribute, Steal or Translate

[shoyoist]

♡ — 𝗥𝗘𝗞𝗛𝗔 + 𝗬𝗔𝗡𝗙𝗘𝗜 + 𝗛𝗨 𝗧𝗔𝗢

➷ the classed detective from sumeru, here to investigate occult activity in the city of Liyue, has taken Chihu Rock by storm with her appearance at Lady Ningguang’s latest success celebration, arm-in-arm with Liyue’s own esteemed legal advisor, and the ever so popular director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour—

which wouldn’t have turned so many heads, but at the end of the event, they were seen exchanging open-mouthed kisses and tipsy love confessions with eachother, and that’s what we’re here to talk about — on today’s column of Liyue’s favourite & most locally beloved gossip magazine!

𝗿𝗲𝗸𝗵𝗮 : someone’s gotta sue these fucking magazine freaks. i get drunk, kiss a couple of pretty bitches, and it’s all over the news.

𝗵𝘂 𝘁𝗮𝗼 : miss legal advisor here’s a pricey one, but she can help! she’ll probably offer a cut if you fuck her dumb enough <3

𝘆𝗮𝗻𝗳𝗲𝗶 : i can’t, they did nothing wrong. unfortunately for you, baby girl, spreading love stories isn’t a crime.

➷ according to rumors & spicy intel we’ve gathered from all over town, ms. detective first clashed with our legal advisor, over complaints that her investigations were spreading unnecessary fears of the dead through the city—

but those claims and reports were all quickly shut down, for reasons nobody knows why! we think it’s safe to assume that detective rekha swerved lady yanfei onto her own side using methods that were for sure, lasvicious & steamy!

strangest part is — upon questioning, mrs. verr goldet claims to know nothing! could it be that the three of them are trying to keep things under cover??

once her reputation was restored, the detective was hired to pull out all the prevailing shady business surrounding the Wangsheng Funeral parlour.

however, the case was closed and allegations were dismissed — and we learned that the day after that, lady yanfei and director hu tao were seen heading out to Wangshu Inn, where detective rekha was staying for a special examination.

♡ — 𝗦𝗢 𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗔𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗬 ?!

friends with benefits, turned into lovers. ❝ tried to stay professional, really, but who am i to refuse gorgeous bitches when they want me? ❞ ❝ might not seem like it, but my workload is heavy, and they help me relax. ❞ ❝ death won't do us part with me here — we’ll be fuckin’ even beyond the borders.❞

♡ — 𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧'𝗦 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗬𝗜𝗡𝗚 ?!

[♡] . first class bitch ; yayoi daimon

[♡] . no doubt ; myiyu

[♡] . SPASA ; maria

[♡] . amaetyate sorry ; ava

[rezident-simp]

hiii!! I saw you’re taking Genshin x reader requests!! :3 I’m excited to read them ahh~ I was wondering if I could maybe get a zhongli x reader where he finds you playing piano and sits down and listens n compliments eheh fluffy. thank u <3 you’re wonderful for taking requests!!

(Def! Thanks for the req! Hope you don’t mind the shortness. This was a cute request! Hope you like it!)

(The song that this goes to kinda is the Dragonets are Coming by Music Mommy on yt!)

Zhongli sighed, opening up the door to his and Y/ns home. It had been a stressful day at the Funeral Parlour, and it had begun to rain when he was heading home.

Zhongli blinked as he closed the door, hearing the soft sound of the piano. He smiled, his worries and stress washing away almost completely. Taking off his wet boots he headed into the next room which held the piano. And there they were, Y/n. Playing paino.

He recognized the song The Dragonets Are Coming. It had been years since he’d heard it. Unconsciously he began to sing a long as he approached Y/n.

“Oh, the Dragonets are coming, they’re coming to save the day,”

He watched as Y/n squirmed a bit when he sat behind them, wrapping his arms around them gently, and they joined him.

“They’re coming to fight,”

“For they know what’s right,”

“The Dragonets,”

“The Dragonets,”

“The Dragonets!”

And just like that the song had ended. Zhongli rested his head on Y/ns shoulder, pulling them into his lap.

“I haven’t heard that song in years, love.” Y/n snuggled their head into his chest, smiling.

“I know, that’s why I wanted to play it. For you.” They said, making Zhongli chuckle.

“That’s why I love you. Your so nice to people. You have no idea how much I love you.” He whispered, kissing their forehead.

“Aww, I love you too.”

(Don’t forget to go to the main request page to make one! https://datonecanadianartist.tumblr.com/post/644511003594407936/professional-simp )

[xzho-writes]

ah yes, diluc and f! Reader

but what about CHILDE

Tw: fighting?? Overprotective

Not platonic nor romantic

ok I'm sorry but i thought of this a few days ago and it came back to me at 11pm let's go

Childe always thought you were just a regular citizen in Inazuma, but NO. you're actually the right-hand wo/man of the one and only, Tsaritsa. Who has never been officially revealed.

Ok so this is how the story goes: you two meet at the main part of ritou and you guys hang out together. You know who he is but have to act completely oblivious due to keeping your hidden reputation of your fatui position safe, and played along with him.

Until one day all the harbingers are mysteriously called to a meeting with the Tsaritsa, who reveals that she does indeed have a right hand wo/man. Childe obviously wasn't surprised tho -

Ok but this isn't without the angst is it???

Childe became super protective (not obsessive, protective lol) over you and every little scratch you'd come home with he'd absolutely blow up.

So if- no, when, he knows you're in such a dangerous job, he's obviously going to rage, isn't he?

So a few days later the meeting was called once again and the Tsaritsa introduced you as you walked into the room in a proper manner, and bowed respectfully to the harbingers. When Childe saw you, you could see in his eyes that they were even more dead than they were before, a shocked face replacing his usual chilled back and casual expression.

Once the meeting is over, he immediately pulls you over and practically begs you to step down from your position. You simply refuse, because you worked hard, but he got mad <33

He ignored you and never followed orders from the Tsaritsa or any other of his comrades, acting as a stubborn child(e) everywhere he went.

You understood what he meant, and decided to take action against it, threatening to strip him of his title if he continued to act like this. And? He started a fight.

Now, you were about decently skilled in the area of combat, which led you to absolutely no chance against him. He shot you down like you were some bird against a professional hunter, not breaking a sweat.

He was about to finish off the fight, until a fellow harbinger walked in and stopped him.

He was taken away and you were treated to your injuries, and every now and then visit him at Liyue, as he worked at the funeral parlour with an old friend, Zhongli.

He'd see you walking around with some other fatui member, discussing plans, you shot him a glare every time he stared, though.

You hated him with your guts, but he loved you with his heart, how will he ever mend your relationship with him?

Also, congrats on exams!

-🥀

aoaoaoaaooaaa thanks for the congrats! it honestly feels so freeing now that i have 10 weeks off from any sort of educational priorities 😭

and this feels like an interesting concept. i can respect and understand childe’s opinions cause it must be hard watching someone you care about being in such a dangerous field. but at the same time, it’s hypocritical coming from a harbinger such as himself.

but i also get reader’s feelings cause they’ve worked hard to be where they are as the tsaritsa’s right hand. although surely that means we have to be at least on the same strength level as childe? unless being the tsaritsa’s right hand doesn’t involve fighting, but who knows!

thanks for sharing your ideas again, 🥀 nonnie! this was an interesting read :)

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

hey i just wanna say it's all fine and dandy that yall wanna thank doctors and nurses and hospital staff but can yall please remember that morgue and death care staff are also severely overworked and understaffed?

i work in the one of the largest death care collectives in my state.

our body storage is full. our parlours are full. we are understaffed so we cant see all the families who need arrangements. the crematory is at daily capacity.

if you think it's sad or scary when the hospitals are full, tell me, what is it that you do when the morgues are full and we can't make a disposition??

im so exhausted, so is the staff i work with. most of us are double or triple booked. it's unheard of. ask any funeral or death professional.

"oh but the moneys good be happy!! plenty of people are out of a job right now!"

THE MONEY IS GOOD, AT WHAT. FUCKING. COST.

WHAT.

FUCKING.

COST.

[woodentranscripts]

Season 1 Episode 1 The Bane of Rudyard

It's the worst day of Rudyard's life when new competitor Eric Chapman arrives on Piffling and becomes an immediate sensation.

Written by David K. Barnes

EPISODE ONE: THE BANE OF RUDYARD

[narration from Madeleine]

Now, Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Piffling. On the island is a village - Piffling Vale - and the village has a square, and the square has this lovely little antique shop but opposite the antique shop is a funeral home which is where much of this chronicle will be set, I’m afraid. You see, I want to tell you all about a man named Rudyard Funn. He owns the funeral parlour, he’s responsible for all the funerals in Piffling Vale and today, he experienced what was undoubtedly the worst day of his life. Which was probably long overdue.

 [funky intro music]

 REV: We gather here today to celebrate the life of Stanley Carmichael, who was taken from us only five days ago   

 He continues

[narration] It all began with a funeral, the antique dealer Stanley Carmichael, whose shop was immediately opposite Rudyard’s premises, had led a life of peace and ordered calm of eighty nine years… and had subsequently crushed to death by a granite sundial. 

 REV: I confess I never actually bought anything from him. His prices have been quite steep actually, though I did have my eye on that sundial. I might still be tempted if it came down in price, hint hint. (laughs)

 [narration] Stanley’s relatives pricked up their ears at the prospect of getting something for that granite sundial. Whilst nearby, his eyes sunken, his skin pale and drawn: stood Rudyard, looking at his watch and wishing strongly that the reverend wasn't an agnostic.

REV: … and undoubtedly looking down at us from his place with God. Unless you don't believe in that sort of thing - which I won’t hold against you, mind you God probably will. Unless he doesn’t exist, in which case he won’t even have anything to complain about, really. 

RUDYARD: (clears throat) Reverend. 

REV: Sorry, did somebody say -

 RUDYARD: Reverend. REV: Oh hello Rudyard- RUDYARD: You’re rambling. REV: Sorry? RUDYARD: You’re rambling again REV: Oh God, am I?

RUDYARD: Yes! REV: I’m so sorry, where was I? RUDYARD: His spirit looking down at us from his place- REV: OH! From his place with God, yes, yes, thank you, right, right, I’ve err Looking down at us from his place with umm… no. No, actually, I don't suppose we could have a quick show of hands? RUDYARD: No! No! Now come on! REV: If you believe in God, could you put your hands up, can we all do that? Put your hands up if you believe, ughh right, right err bout half. Um so! Ah yeah. What I might do is do the service twice- RUDYARD: We don't have time! 

 REV: Once with God in it and the other without. RUDYARD: No! We’re overrunning. REV: Oh! But I thought I might read out a few psalms RUDYARD: Which ones? REV: I don’t mind, I'll be happy to take requests if anyone’s got any favourites? RUDYARD: Nononono. We’re sixteen minutes behind schedule, nearly seventeen. Georgie? (snaps finders) Wake up! GEORGIE: (groans) I don’t want to RUDYARD: We need the coffin in the ground. Now. GEORGIE: Sir, it’s a very heavy coffin RUDYARD: What’s your point? GEORGIE: I’m the only pallbearer RUDYARD: Oh stop moaning, put your back into it! GEORGIE: Ughh Fine! REV: Do we have time for some funny anecdotes? RUDYARD: We’re late as it is and it’s pissing it down - so no. PERSON 1: He’s ruining everything! RUDYARD: There you are reverend, you’re losing them REV: Oh! I thought they were rather getting into it! PERSON 2: Not him, you! RUDYARD: Me? PERSON 3: You horrid little man, stop hurrying things along!

 RUDYARD: Don’t you know what a schedule is? PERSON 3: So rude! RUDYARD: This isn’t my only gig today, you know. I’ve got Mr Ascii to measure up in half an hour! PERSON 1: He’s not dead! RUDYARD: Well he doesn’t look healthy, though, does he? PERSON 3: Stop talking we’re trying to honour Stanley! RUDYARD: Honour Stanley! You didn’t even like him. PERSON 3: How dare you! RUDYARD: I noticed in the shop you slipped that carriage clock down your blouse when you thought no one was looking! (gasps) RUDYARD: And the dressing table! (even more gasps) PERSON 2: I knew it! PERSON 3: Shut up! Bill swiped the portrait of Ova Broughn PERSON 2: Bill! I wanted that portrait! PERSON 1: Well you can’t have it! (gasps) PERSON 1: I’m sorry Jerry, I just lost control, OW REV: Now come, come everyone. Stay calm… Jerry put that shovel down! RUDYARD: Alright, Georgie, get the body in the ground GEORGIE: Sir, They’re not very happy RUDYARD: Of course they don’t look happy, it’s a funeral. Off you go! (she grunts) [narration] The service completed, Rudyard Funn and Georgie Crusoe fled the cemetery and hurried back to the funeral home. Established by local character and serial bigamist Gilbert Funn in the fifteenth century, Funn Funerals have always maintained a solid reputation for being the only funeral home on the island. RUDYARD: (grunts) What it could be a good thing back there, you saw Stanley’s widow GEORGIE: That sad old lady RUDYARD: Yes, when she took a swing at her son in law I think she fell into the grave instead. I don’t know if it was fatal but it looked promising to me GEORGIE: Do you think we’d be able to have a quiet funeral RUDYARD: Asking for the impossible never helped anyone GEORGIE: People smiling, swapping happy memories, I’m not sure every funeral should end with violent conflict RUDYARD: Georgie, once you’ve been here a few more months you’ll realise all funerals always end in bloodshed, there's very little you or I can do about it. Now go and get the measuring kit I want to go to Mr Ascii’s and see if he’s dead yet! GEORGIE: Are you sure it’s worth the bother? RUDYARD: I’ve gone round everyday for the last six weeks, I’m not giving up now, Hop to it! GEORGIE: yes sir~ RUDYARD: Get me a dry jacket, and another hat! Where’s Antigone? Antigone! Now look here, yes. Stanley’s widow! Ha I knew it! No, nothing sorry. We can fit her in a six o clock, I’ll leave her in the ground for the moment, it’ll save time in the long run. No, she shouldn’t be brawling at her age. Of course I could fancy my chances against her, Im thirty-five, she was eighty-two see you at six. Georgie! We’ve got a full day ahead of us! Where’s Antigone? GEORGIE: Try the mortuary! RUDYARD: Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone? Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone are you in the- ANTIGONE: What?! RUDYARD: I’m back. ANTIGONE: I’d rather look at the corpses. RUDYARD: Oh for- ANTIGONE: Does rest in peace mean nothing to you?! RUDYARD: Well I don’t hear the guests complaining. Room for another? ANTIGONE: Is it Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Not yet, this ones a bonus! [narration] That’s Antigone, Rudyard’s twin sister, despite actually being born one week afterwards. The poor dear had been diagnosed with depression within twenty minutes of being born - a world record which gave her no consolation at all. ANTIGONE: So how was it today? RUDYARD: Err the vicar’s getting worse and of course it was raining and inevitably it ended with a punchup over a portrait of Eva Broughn. But personally I found it all very moving ANTIGONE: Brilliant, so that's another grieving widow we’re going to have to apologise to RUDYARD: No we won't. ANTIGONE: Why not?! RUDYARD: She fell into the grave and died before I left! ANTIGONE: She what?! RUDYARD: It’s been a very productive morning ANTIGONE: You really have no concept of what good business is, do you? RUDYARD: I’d love to disagree with you and Oh! I’m doing it right now ANTIGONE: I’ve been in the mortuary all morning and do you know what I’ve been up to! RUDYARD: Oh sure I don’t want to know ANTIGONE: I’ve spent the past five hours mixing formaldehyde and methanol with clementine and a tiny, tiny dash of cinnamon. That’s what I’ve been doing for five hours! RUDYARD: Should I ask why? ANTIGONE: To try to make our embalming fluid smell nicer! So the bodies will smell nicer! Because have you really ever smelt a body, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Why do we still talk to each other? ANTIGONE: Now! Thanks to me, they’ll smell brighter, fresher, not like bodies at all. That’s the sort of service I’m striving for, Rudyard. I want them to forget that the body is a body. RUDYARD: Yes that’ll work, our Grandad’s dead but don’t worry because he smells like christmas! ANTIGONE: It’s attention to detail Rudyard! It’s how we run a business, you would know! RUDYARD: We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time GEORGIE: Sir, your other jackets been eaten by moths - I saw the whole thing. RUDYARD: Not now, Georgie, how long did it take for the coffin to get to the ground this morning? GEORGIE: A couple of seconds? RUDYARD: Now that’s a good service! GEORGIE: Because I dropped it RUDYARD: But it got where it needed to be and that’s what they pay us for. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the very last time! They don't want chaos! They don’t want stress and they don’t want a relative dead before the first is even been buried! RUDYARD: How do you know what they want?! ANTIGONE: In the name of sanity, Rudyard - RUDYARD: I’ve got a very busy day ahead of , so just get back into the mortuary CHAPMAN: Hello! RUDYARD: Yes? CHAPMAN: Eric, Eric Chapman. I’m new, to the place! Just arrived! GEORGIE: Good morning RUDYARD: Georgie, leave it to the professionals. Good morning. We’ve not met. CHAPMAN: No, because I’m new, to the place RUDYARD: You don't have to brag about it! I have met people before CHAPMAN: You’re Mr Rudyard Funn, of Funn Funerals? RUDYARD: Correct CHAPMAN: Terrific name, suppose you put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: No, of course we don’t, that’s obscene CHAPMAN: Sure, never mind

ANTIGONE: Hello Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: OH! Jesus ANTIGONE: Is this too close? CHAPMAN: A little bit! ANTIGONE: Sorry! CHAPMAN: No, don’t mention it! ANTIGONE: Sorry, I’m Antigone, sorry pleased to meet you. CHAPMAN: Err, likewise call me Eric. Are you in charge? ANTIGONE: I’m the mortician, where the action is, CHAPMAN: I bet there’s not much you don’t know about the body, Antigone? ANTIGONE: That sounded like a double meaning GEORGIE: It’s called flirting ANTIGONE: Oh gosh, is it? CHAPMAN: Well, now ANTIGONE: It’s smashing, do it again, have I made it awkward? DAMN RUDYARD: I haven’t got all day! CHAPMAN: Yes so, Rudyard, Antigone and GEORGIE: Georgie, Hi ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CHAPMAN: I saw you at the funeral, didn’t I GEORGIE: Yeah, helping out, it’s a job RUDYARD: Georgie, don’t give away company secrets GEORGIE: I was only - ANTIGONE: Hang on, you were at the funeral this morning? CHAPMAN: Yes I was RUDYARD: And I’m sure you’re impressed with what you saw there Mr Chapman but we really are frightfully CHAPMAN: Actually I wasn’t entirely sure it came off RUDYARD: I’m sorry? CHAPMAN: For a start it got a little violent didn’t it? RUDYARD: Did you think so? CHAPMAN: At the end yes RUDYARD: I’m not sure what funeral you were watching, Mr Chapman but all I saw was good clean mourning CHAPMAN: Didn’t someone die? RUDYARD: A very convenient place for it to happen, Georgie GEORGIE: I’m not RUDYARD: There you go, don’t let us keep you Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: And I thought there could have been a greater attention to detail. Stop me if I’m getting too critical. RUDYARD: Okay I’ll stop you there ANTIGONE: Shut up, carry on Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Eric ANTIGONE: Gosh CHAPMAN: I have to say it was a little bit grim, I mean it’s a funeral it’s hardly party time but even so these occasions should be a celebration of life rather than going on about death, do you know what I mean? RUDYARD: Nope CHAPMAN: Ah, I don’t want to be made more miserable and I want to remember those happy magnificent memories, I want a cheerful atmosphere, bright flowers, music, funny recolations ANTIGONE: Sweeter smelling fluids CHAPMAN: Exactly, fluids? ANTIGONE: I think they’re very important. CHAPMAN: Sure thing. That's what I mean! Sorting out those little details, pushing the boat out, or the hearse out, well that's just my two cents for what it’s worth RUDYARD: Well, I don’t know what planet you live on, Mr Chapman, but - ANTIGONE: Thank you! We’ll bear those things in mind, won’t we Rudyard. RUDYARD: remind me- ANTIGONE: Smashing! CHAPMAN: Anyway, I thought I’d swing by ANTIGONE: Oh any time! CHAPMAN: Thank you, ANTIGONE: Any time at all CHAPMAN: Yes, I was just swinging by to see the competition. RUDYARD: Competition? CHAPMAN: Yes. ANTIGONE: You mean like a raffle? CHAPMAN: Not exactly RUDYARD: I hate raffles CHAPMAN: That’s a strange thing to hate. I meant you lot! Er, Funn Funerals the local competition… In funerals RUDYARD: You’re an undertaker. CHAPMAN: Well clients prefer funeral director ANTIGONE: You’re just visiting though?! CHAPMAN: No, I live here now, I’m setting myself up ANTIGONE: Your own funeral home? CHAPMAN: yeah, Chapmans, not quite as catchy as Funn Funerals but there we are ANTIGONE: Where are you going to be? CHAPMAN: You know the antique dealer you just buried, Stanley Carmichael? I’m just taking over his premises. ANTIGONE: Just across the square! CHAPMAN: That’s right! Opposite you actually, we’ll probably see a lot of each other, compare notes, swap stories, down the pub - mine’s a light ale by the way. Err did someone die in here? RUDYARD: Goodbye Chapman. CHAPMAN: Oh sure! Glad to meet you Rudyard, Antigone ANTIGONE: Chapman. CHAPMAN: Georgie GEORGIE: See you later ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CAPMAN: Okay. (exhales) Enjoy yourselves! Ah! The sun’s come out! RUDYARD: If he thinks I’m going to buy him a light ale, he’s very much mistaken. ANTIGONE: Oh shut up Rudyard! This is actually very serious. GEORGIE: He seemed fine ANTIGONE: No he didn’t, Georgie, coming over here waving his credentials in our faces, giving us feedback, my god! GEORGIE: I thought you liked him? ANTIGONE: Liked him?! Liked him?! GEORGIE: Yeah! You were talking about fluids and everything! ANTIGONE: That’s professional chit-chat for god’s sake, do you think I like gorgeous handsome men, do you? Exactly, it’s disgusting, it’s disgusting RUDYARD: I can’t think of a scenario where I would buy someone a light ale ANTIGONE: Rudyard, focus! He is serious competition RUDYARD: Him? Competition? Were you listening to the man? GEORGIE: No she wasn’t, She was gazing into his eyes ANTIGONE: Georgina! Go and make some tea. GEORGIE: We haven’t got a kettle ANTIGONE: Buy one. GEORGIE: Fine ANTIGONE: Rudyard, we’re finished, I think I’ll take a cyanide capsule RUDYARD: We are not finished, we’re an established firm, going back centuries! Nobody round here is going to book a funeral with a complete stranger. ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Look At His Shop! RUDYARD: What is it? ANTIGONE: He’s already changed the sign! ‘Chapman’s’ Just like he said. RUDYARD: I’ll admit he’s working quickly. ANTIGONE: That does it. You’ve got to see the mayor, tell him this village isn’t big enough for two funeral homes! RUDYARD: That’s not a bad idea actually, I’ll see him now. (leaves) One day I’ll find an umbrella. [narration] Rudyard scuttled across the village square and up the step leading to Piffling Hall. He was shown into the office of the Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond. A man who thought the most wonderful words in the english language were “I’m sure it’s going to be fine!” SECRETARY: Mr Rudyard Funn to see you sir. MAYOR: Oh, Thank you Margery RUDYARD: Your worship, I really am most desperately sorry to- where are you? MAYOR: Down here, Rudyard, Under the desk. RUDYARD: Why? MAYOR: Ohh, just sitting here, you know. Doing a bit of thinking, big world out there RUDYARD: Yes, er I came to ask you- MAYOR: Rudyard, do you know what the difference is between a village and a town. RUDYARD: Well er, a town has a greater area, MAYOR: Yes? RUDYARD: Higher population, more amenities MAYOR: Ah, amenities, yes RUDYARD: A mayor! MAYOR: oh yes RUDYARD: I actually came to- MAYOR: We have to do something, Rudyard, with our lives haven’t we Rudyard? Don’t you think? RUDYARD: Yes! MAYOR: I look at my seal of office sometimes and all my envelopes, and I read my name, and have I done enough I ask myself, am I even Right Honourable because I don’t feel it. RUDYARD: Well, to call yourself Right Honourable you have to be a judge or a privy counsellor MAYOR: Really? I’m going to change all my stationary now! You see, this is the thing I’m talking about! What have I earned? What have I achieved? God knows we have to try and justify ourselves, somehow. RUDYARD: mhm, I don’t like the man across the road from me. MAYOR: Exactly, and then what with my sister passing the bucket last week, oh top drawer send off you chaps gave her by the way. RUDYARD: Oh, thank you! MAYOR: Oh, pity it rained RUDYARD: Yes well MAYOR: Can’t help that, or the grounds subsidence, still we all laughed seeing her flopping about like that did we- anyway, Do you know what I’ve decided to do, Rudyard? I am going to turn this village into a town. That’s what I’m going to do. I mean things must expand, mustn’t they? RUDYARD: Probably? MAYOR: Do you think so? Good! She used to say terrible things to me, my sister RUDYARD: I’ve got a problem actually MAYOR: Have you? Well can I help, cause I really like to be useful RUDYARD: I think you can be, you see, your worship, there’s this man. MAYOR: He’s not worth it Rudyard. RUDYARD: Yes. What? No I mean, this man is opening a new funeral home directly across the road from mine. MAYOR: Is that a problem? RUDYARD: We can’t have two funeral homes can’t we? MAYOR: Can’t we, why not RUDYARD: Well it’d be ridiculous! MAYOR: I don’t was to look ridiculous! RUDYARD: Exactly! If we have two funeral homes, why not two fire stations, two hospitals, two mayors! MAYOR: Two mayors!?! Could it really get that far? RUDYARD: I would hate to speculate MAYOR: Help me up, would you? Yes, I think we should stab this in the bud immediately. Thank you Rudyard. RUDYARD: Thank you your worship! MAYOR: Gets me out the office anyway RUDYARD: Well from under the desk. MAYOR: We won't talk about that. Margery, cancel my appointments for today SECRETARY: There aren’t any MAYOR: Thank you! Off we go, Rudyard [narration] Upon arriving at Chapman’s, Rudyard and the - until recently Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond discovered that the place was about ready to be opened! And it wasn’t yet even midday! Rudyard braced himself for a sinister journey into the unknown MAYOR: Wasn’t this place an antique shop a few hours ago? RUDYARD: I don’t understand how he has managed to do all this?! MAYOR: Bit flash isn’t it, all these happy colours, not a patch on your set up, look not a speck of dust anywhere! RUDYARD: I mean, he arrived this morning! MAYOR: It must be said though, these sofas are really comfy! Is that a coffee machine? RUDYARD: Yes? MAYOR: Does your place have one of those? RUDYARD: We bought a kettle only half an hour ago CHAPMAN: Hi, sorry to keep you waiting as you can imagine, it’s all go here! RUDYARD: Is that a lift?! CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Eric Chapman, there are some chocolate truffles in the bowl there, help yourself. Would you like the tour, I’d love to show you around, it’s still not quite finished MAYOR: Perhaps another time, Mr Chapman RUDYARD: You’ve got a lift?! MAYOR: Umm, I don’t know quite how to say this but CHAPMAN: How to say what, Mr Mayor? MAYOR: Well, it’s very naughty of you to have done this, is it? CHAPMAN: Is it? MAYOR: Oh without permission I mean CHAPMAN: But you gave me permission MAYOR: Did I? CHAPMAN: I mean before I came here, I was calling back and forth with your people and everything got sorted and err where are we, here we are, look, here’s your signature MAYOR: Yes, the smiley face in the ‘O’ well, it’s definitely mine! You must understand, I don't always read everything I’m given, I am usually kept very busy CHAPMAN: I’m sure, don’t worry about it MAYOR: What do you think? Rudyard? RUDYARD: That’s a really nice lift?!! CHAPMAN: Oh thanks Rudyard MAYOR: Yes, well, even with all this I mean, I am the mayor aren’t I and I have the perfect right to change my mind. CHAPMAN: Oh do you not want me here? MAYOR: No no no no! Not that but you see it’s just that well err, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Sorry? Yes er, Now Look Here CHAPMAN: Yes? RUDYARD: We’ve already got a funeral home MAYOR: Exactly! We’ve already got one and will the best will in the world we can’t have two funeral homes, can we? CHAPMAN: Why? MAYOR: Because, well, then you see, we’d need apparently have to have two hospitals you see? CHAPMAN: That’s a great idea MAYOR: Is it? Oh well good, I’d get onto that! BUT No, nevertheless the village just can’t sustain two funeral homes can it? CHAPMAN: You could be right there MAYOR: Could I? RUDYARD: Told you so CHAPMAN: But you know what could sustain two funeral homes? MAYOR: No? CHAPMAN: A town! MAYOR: A town? You say? RUDYARD: Hmm No! No- CHAPMAN: Now don’t get me wrong, this is a great village but I think it’s going to be an even greater town! And I want to help you do that in the only way I can: with a funeral home. MAYOR: Can I ask you a question? CHAPMAN: Go for it MAYOR: If we had two funeral homes would we need two mayors as well? CHAPMAN: No. That’s ridiculous MAYOR: Oh, excellent in that case I hereby pronounce this funeral home: open! RUDYARD: What? What are they doing there?! CHAPMAN: We’re taking advance orders, it’s just a service we provide. MAYOR: Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Oh please, Mr Mayor, It’s Eric MAYOR: Best of luck Eric, if you are ever at a loose end, do pop by the hall, sometimes we have movie nights! CHAPMAN: I’ll remember that and if you ever need our services it’s on the house. MAYOR: Tremendous, looking forward to it, now RUDYARD: Now, now hang on, we- MAYOR: Glad to have you here CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor MAYOR: No no no, call me Desmond! Ttfn CHAPMAN: Talk to you later, Desmond MAYOR: Should I leave the doors open? CHAPMAN: Oh, if you would, Rudyard I’m sorry I can’t stay and chat, can I get you anything. Oh I know what, make yourself a cup of coffee, I’ll better see to that queue eh? Enjoy yourself! Don’t forget the truffles! Good morning ladies and gentlemen, well afternoon now. Well, I’m delighted to say welcome to Chapman’s and remember: We put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: Chapman! [narration] After a coffee, and a couple of truffles, Rudyard stormed out, seething with resentment. He kicked a small dog and got bitten by its owner. Having gotten back to Funn Funerals, Rudyard sat down on a chair by the window and stared out across the road muttering out loud to his only real friend in the world RUDYARD: (muttering) It’s only a funeral home who the hell do they think they are eh? (squeaks) RUDYARD: Exactly, I give him a week, alright maybe two.. Ah he might have gold blend and lounge music but you can’t put a glass on the mechanics. We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time, That’s what it's about, I bet his corpses don't smell of cinnamon. Yeah, we’ll see who runs this village. ANTIGONE: Rudyard you’re talking to that mouse again aren’t you? RUDYARD: Her name is Madeleine ANTIGONE: It’s not normal! RUDYARD: Antigone, you spend twenty-three hours a day in the mortuary don’t try to tell me what’s normal. Off you go Madeleine, we’ll continue this later ANTIGONE: You haven’t moved all afternoon! RUDYARD: I don’t need to move, I’m plotting ANTIGONE: Where’s Georgie? RUDYARD: Day off, no work, plotting. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the first time in our lives we actually have competition which means we could really do with having some friends so could you get out there and make some? RUDYARD: I’ll do it tomorrow ANTIGONE: Have you at least gone round to check on Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Who? ANTIGONE: Mr Ascii, the man we’ve been waiting to die for six weeks, because so help me I need to embalm somebody and it could quite easily be you RUDYARD: Look Mr Ascii’s immortal, he’ll never die so what’s the point about it. Now Look Here, Georgie? What? Right, I’ll see you there. Mr Ascii’s dead. ANTIGONE: Is he? RUDYARD: Yes. OH MY GOD MR ASCII’S DEAD! ANTIGONE: How?! RUDYARD: Heart attack, half an hour ago it’s all around the village, Antigone, I’m so happy! ANTIGONE: Took him long enough RUDYARD: Ahh He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead! ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Stop being happy and get over there now! RUDYARD: Sorry, yes, get over there, I’m gone. Rudyard is back in the game! … Rudyard is going to get wet! Have the mortuary ready! ANTIGONE: And Rudyard, don’t cock it up. [narration] Before you judge Rudyard too harshly at his delight at an old man’s demise, I should tell you that Mr Ascii was Rudyard’s old PE teacher at school so his delight is almost entirely justified. Rudyard met Georgie at Mr Ascii’s bijuu residence at five forty-five. GEORGIE: Okay, okay  RUDYARD: Georgie GEORIGIE: Sir? RUDYARD: Say it again for me won’t you, say it again GEORGIE: Alright, Mr Ascii’s dead but listen I’ve got- RUDYARD: Yeessssss, Get in there my son… whatever that means GEORGIE: Yeah I ought to say- RUDYARD: I’ve been looking forward to putting him in the ground, can’t mock me for losing the 200 metre dash now can you, Mr Ascii! GEORGIE: Before you get excited RUDYARD: Right yes, got to straighten up, think grave. How do I look? GEORGIE: Miserable RUDYARD: Great, let’s go GEORGIE: But sir, NURSE: Could we please have some quiet out here, oh it’s you, Mister Funn RUDYARD: Good afternoon nurse, Could please take this opportunity to convey my most prevermed(???) condolences NURSE: Thank you Mister Funn RUDYARD: I’m sure my apprentice Ms Crusoe, has already carried out our preliminary duties so I think in the interest of efficiency we should let the dog see the rabbit, if you’ll take me through NURSE: Well, This is actually rather embarrassing RUDYARD: Oh please don’t say it’s a false alarm! NURSE: In a sense,,, yes RUDYARD: Oh for, Georgie you said he was dead GEORGIE: He is dead RUDYARD: But, ugh, Nurse, one of us in this corridor is deeply confused and I’m beginning to believe it might be you NURSE: No? RUDYARD: I knew it, she’s mad, grab her Georgie. NURSE: I’m not mad! RUDYARD: That’s what a mad person would say, Georgie GEORGIE: Let’s do this CHAPMAN: Rudyard! Great to see you RUDYARD: Chapman! CHAPMAN: Busy afternoon, eh, hello Georgie GEORGIE: Hey, Eric RUDYARD: Stop flirting. Nurse, I demand this man be told to vacate this bijuu residence immediately CHAPMAN: Look, this is my bad, and I’ve really got to apologise for this one NURSE: Mr Ascii requested it! RUDYARD: He what? NURSE: With his final words he said he couldn’t bare to get buried by such a feeble little weed as Rudyard Funn CHAPMAN: Interesting man, he wanted to see my gold medals from the 200 metre dash, gotta say I wasn’t expecting business to kick off so quickly NURSE: You’re doing a most proper job Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Thank you nurse, I think we’ll collect him first thing tomorrow. Anyway must run, good to see you Rudyard, Georgie. Enjoy yourselves! Ahh NURSE: What a charming man, I hear he’s still a bachelor RUDYARD: So am I.. NURSE: Yes well, hardly surprising is it? GEORGIE: Ahh well, can’t win em all eh sir? Sir, are you alright? RUDYARD: I am so… SIX O CLOCK GEORGIE: Six o clock? RUDYARD: Six o clock! The cemetery, Stanley’s widow, Stanley Carmichael’s widow in the cemetery at six o clock! GEORGIE: Oh yeah! I forgot about that! RUDYARD: What time is it? GEORGIE: About five to six but you’ll never get there. Sir?! Oh for god’s sake, Rudyard! Come back here you stupid. [narration] Rudyard raced down the cliff, past the trees and through the streets with speed that would have finally impressed Mr Ascii, had he not already been dead. His lungs aching for breath, his limbs trembling with the effort, Rudyard tumbled into the cemetery at exactly one minute past six. To discover… RUDYARD: It’s…. It’s all REV: Ahh, there you are Rudyard! RUDYARD: Reverend? What’s going on? REV: Well, I arrived to oversee the preliminaries on Mrs Carmichael’s err, transferal to a better world - if such a place exists - which i'm not certain about one way or the other, and I found that her family and friends had been gathered together already for the funeral. RUDYARD: For the funeral? REV: Since the deceased was already here, and sensibly dressed, he just got it done out of the way, young fella named Eric, got his own funeral practise I understand. I’m hearing marvelous things about it. He’s got a coffee machine! Led them all a couple of sing songs actually, even had my speech prepared for me! Very succinct it was, breezed through it all in no time. RUDYARD: Chapman… REV: Oh he also found a lake! Over there! I think we’re all going boating in a minute. He owns a boat you know RUDYARD: Chapman! REV: Anyway, I better get to be going back to it, we’re having jelly and ice cream, bags of fun. Goodbye, Rudyard! Or should I say: Enjoy yourself! RUDYARD: I see. I see. Well CHAPMAN: Hello Rudyard. RUDYARD: Oh. It’s. you. Did a fair job I hear, congratulations, don’t think it will always be like this they won’t hand it to you on a plate you know, they won’t do that. This is very much the exception. Oh what? What? You can talk can’t you? Say something? CHAPMAN: Rudyard. Have a nice evening. RUDYARD: What do you- What do you mean: have a nice evening? What do you mean by that remark, Chapman? What if I don’t want to have a nice evening? Eh? What if I Don’t? Chapman! What did you mean! Chapman! Chapman?! [narration] Today had been the worst day of Rudyard’s life, until tomorrow came along and topped it. I was there to jot it all down from first hand observation (and a little bit of gossip I picked up later) and of course, being his only real friend in the world, Rudyard tells me everything. My name is Madeleine - I’m going to be the first mouse to be a Sunday Times Best Seller, and I know for a fact that Rudyard want to revenge himself on Eric by well, we’ll burn that bridge when be come to it