#The bane of Rudyard

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Best Wooden Overcoats Episode Bracket!

Round One: "The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard" vs. "The Bane of Rudyard"

"The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard" episode description: Rudyard is delighted when Lady Templar books a funeral with him - but Eric won't let it happen without a fight.

"The Bane of Rudyard" episode description: On the overlooked Channel Island of Piffling, obstinate undertaker Rudyard Funn runs his family’s failing funeral parlour. But when new and sexy undertaker Eric Chapman sets up shop across the square and becomes an immediate sensation, Rudyard realises he’ll have to take drastic steps to stay in business. 

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[rudyardfunk]

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[thedupshadove]

I'm re-listening to episode one of Wooden Overcoats and I had forgotten how utterly bizarre most of Rudyard's line deliveries are.

[woodentranscripts]

Season 1 Episode 1 The Bane of Rudyard

It's the worst day of Rudyard's life when new competitor Eric Chapman arrives on Piffling and becomes an immediate sensation.

Written by David K. Barnes

EPISODE ONE: THE BANE OF RUDYARD

[narration from Madeleine]

Now, Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Piffling. On the island is a village - Piffling Vale - and the village has a square, and the square has this lovely little antique shop but opposite the antique shop is a funeral home which is where much of this chronicle will be set, I’m afraid. You see, I want to tell you all about a man named Rudyard Funn. He owns the funeral parlour, he’s responsible for all the funerals in Piffling Vale and today, he experienced what was undoubtedly the worst day of his life. Which was probably long overdue.

 [funky intro music]

 REV: We gather here today to celebrate the life of Stanley Carmichael, who was taken from us only five days ago   

 He continues

[narration] It all began with a funeral, the antique dealer Stanley Carmichael, whose shop was immediately opposite Rudyard’s premises, had led a life of peace and ordered calm of eighty nine years… and had subsequently crushed to death by a granite sundial. 

 REV: I confess I never actually bought anything from him. His prices have been quite steep actually, though I did have my eye on that sundial. I might still be tempted if it came down in price, hint hint. (laughs)

 [narration] Stanley’s relatives pricked up their ears at the prospect of getting something for that granite sundial. Whilst nearby, his eyes sunken, his skin pale and drawn: stood Rudyard, looking at his watch and wishing strongly that the reverend wasn't an agnostic.

REV: … and undoubtedly looking down at us from his place with God. Unless you don't believe in that sort of thing - which I won’t hold against you, mind you God probably will. Unless he doesn’t exist, in which case he won’t even have anything to complain about, really. 

RUDYARD: (clears throat) Reverend. 

REV: Sorry, did somebody say -

 RUDYARD: Reverend. REV: Oh hello Rudyard- RUDYARD: You’re rambling. REV: Sorry? RUDYARD: You’re rambling again REV: Oh God, am I?

RUDYARD: Yes! REV: I’m so sorry, where was I? RUDYARD: His spirit looking down at us from his place- REV: OH! From his place with God, yes, yes, thank you, right, right, I’ve err Looking down at us from his place with umm… no. No, actually, I don't suppose we could have a quick show of hands? RUDYARD: No! No! Now come on! REV: If you believe in God, could you put your hands up, can we all do that? Put your hands up if you believe, ughh right, right err bout half. Um so! Ah yeah. What I might do is do the service twice- RUDYARD: We don't have time! 

 REV: Once with God in it and the other without. RUDYARD: No! We’re overrunning. REV: Oh! But I thought I might read out a few psalms RUDYARD: Which ones? REV: I don’t mind, I'll be happy to take requests if anyone’s got any favourites? RUDYARD: Nononono. We’re sixteen minutes behind schedule, nearly seventeen. Georgie? (snaps finders) Wake up! GEORGIE: (groans) I don’t want to RUDYARD: We need the coffin in the ground. Now. GEORGIE: Sir, it’s a very heavy coffin RUDYARD: What’s your point? GEORGIE: I’m the only pallbearer RUDYARD: Oh stop moaning, put your back into it! GEORGIE: Ughh Fine! REV: Do we have time for some funny anecdotes? RUDYARD: We’re late as it is and it’s pissing it down - so no. PERSON 1: He’s ruining everything! RUDYARD: There you are reverend, you’re losing them REV: Oh! I thought they were rather getting into it! PERSON 2: Not him, you! RUDYARD: Me? PERSON 3: You horrid little man, stop hurrying things along!

 RUDYARD: Don’t you know what a schedule is? PERSON 3: So rude! RUDYARD: This isn’t my only gig today, you know. I’ve got Mr Ascii to measure up in half an hour! PERSON 1: He’s not dead! RUDYARD: Well he doesn’t look healthy, though, does he? PERSON 3: Stop talking we’re trying to honour Stanley! RUDYARD: Honour Stanley! You didn’t even like him. PERSON 3: How dare you! RUDYARD: I noticed in the shop you slipped that carriage clock down your blouse when you thought no one was looking! (gasps) RUDYARD: And the dressing table! (even more gasps) PERSON 2: I knew it! PERSON 3: Shut up! Bill swiped the portrait of Ova Broughn PERSON 2: Bill! I wanted that portrait! PERSON 1: Well you can’t have it! (gasps) PERSON 1: I’m sorry Jerry, I just lost control, OW REV: Now come, come everyone. Stay calm… Jerry put that shovel down! RUDYARD: Alright, Georgie, get the body in the ground GEORGIE: Sir, They’re not very happy RUDYARD: Of course they don’t look happy, it’s a funeral. Off you go! (she grunts) [narration] The service completed, Rudyard Funn and Georgie Crusoe fled the cemetery and hurried back to the funeral home. Established by local character and serial bigamist Gilbert Funn in the fifteenth century, Funn Funerals have always maintained a solid reputation for being the only funeral home on the island. RUDYARD: (grunts) What it could be a good thing back there, you saw Stanley’s widow GEORGIE: That sad old lady RUDYARD: Yes, when she took a swing at her son in law I think she fell into the grave instead. I don’t know if it was fatal but it looked promising to me GEORGIE: Do you think we’d be able to have a quiet funeral RUDYARD: Asking for the impossible never helped anyone GEORGIE: People smiling, swapping happy memories, I’m not sure every funeral should end with violent conflict RUDYARD: Georgie, once you’ve been here a few more months you’ll realise all funerals always end in bloodshed, there's very little you or I can do about it. Now go and get the measuring kit I want to go to Mr Ascii’s and see if he’s dead yet! GEORGIE: Are you sure it’s worth the bother? RUDYARD: I’ve gone round everyday for the last six weeks, I’m not giving up now, Hop to it! GEORGIE: yes sir~ RUDYARD: Get me a dry jacket, and another hat! Where’s Antigone? Antigone! Now look here, yes. Stanley’s widow! Ha I knew it! No, nothing sorry. We can fit her in a six o clock, I’ll leave her in the ground for the moment, it’ll save time in the long run. No, she shouldn’t be brawling at her age. Of course I could fancy my chances against her, Im thirty-five, she was eighty-two see you at six. Georgie! We’ve got a full day ahead of us! Where’s Antigone? GEORGIE: Try the mortuary! RUDYARD: Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone? Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone are you in the- ANTIGONE: What?! RUDYARD: I’m back. ANTIGONE: I’d rather look at the corpses. RUDYARD: Oh for- ANTIGONE: Does rest in peace mean nothing to you?! RUDYARD: Well I don’t hear the guests complaining. Room for another? ANTIGONE: Is it Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Not yet, this ones a bonus! [narration] That’s Antigone, Rudyard’s twin sister, despite actually being born one week afterwards. The poor dear had been diagnosed with depression within twenty minutes of being born - a world record which gave her no consolation at all. ANTIGONE: So how was it today? RUDYARD: Err the vicar’s getting worse and of course it was raining and inevitably it ended with a punchup over a portrait of Eva Broughn. But personally I found it all very moving ANTIGONE: Brilliant, so that's another grieving widow we’re going to have to apologise to RUDYARD: No we won't. ANTIGONE: Why not?! RUDYARD: She fell into the grave and died before I left! ANTIGONE: She what?! RUDYARD: It’s been a very productive morning ANTIGONE: You really have no concept of what good business is, do you? RUDYARD: I’d love to disagree with you and Oh! I’m doing it right now ANTIGONE: I’ve been in the mortuary all morning and do you know what I’ve been up to! RUDYARD: Oh sure I don’t want to know ANTIGONE: I’ve spent the past five hours mixing formaldehyde and methanol with clementine and a tiny, tiny dash of cinnamon. That’s what I’ve been doing for five hours! RUDYARD: Should I ask why? ANTIGONE: To try to make our embalming fluid smell nicer! So the bodies will smell nicer! Because have you really ever smelt a body, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Why do we still talk to each other? ANTIGONE: Now! Thanks to me, they’ll smell brighter, fresher, not like bodies at all. That’s the sort of service I’m striving for, Rudyard. I want them to forget that the body is a body. RUDYARD: Yes that’ll work, our Grandad’s dead but don’t worry because he smells like christmas! ANTIGONE: It’s attention to detail Rudyard! It’s how we run a business, you would know! RUDYARD: We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time GEORGIE: Sir, your other jackets been eaten by moths - I saw the whole thing. RUDYARD: Not now, Georgie, how long did it take for the coffin to get to the ground this morning? GEORGIE: A couple of seconds? RUDYARD: Now that’s a good service! GEORGIE: Because I dropped it RUDYARD: But it got where it needed to be and that’s what they pay us for. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the very last time! They don't want chaos! They don’t want stress and they don’t want a relative dead before the first is even been buried! RUDYARD: How do you know what they want?! ANTIGONE: In the name of sanity, Rudyard - RUDYARD: I’ve got a very busy day ahead of , so just get back into the mortuary CHAPMAN: Hello! RUDYARD: Yes? CHAPMAN: Eric, Eric Chapman. I’m new, to the place! Just arrived! GEORGIE: Good morning RUDYARD: Georgie, leave it to the professionals. Good morning. We’ve not met. CHAPMAN: No, because I’m new, to the place RUDYARD: You don't have to brag about it! I have met people before CHAPMAN: You’re Mr Rudyard Funn, of Funn Funerals? RUDYARD: Correct CHAPMAN: Terrific name, suppose you put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: No, of course we don’t, that’s obscene CHAPMAN: Sure, never mind

ANTIGONE: Hello Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: OH! Jesus ANTIGONE: Is this too close? CHAPMAN: A little bit! ANTIGONE: Sorry! CHAPMAN: No, don’t mention it! ANTIGONE: Sorry, I’m Antigone, sorry pleased to meet you. CHAPMAN: Err, likewise call me Eric. Are you in charge? ANTIGONE: I’m the mortician, where the action is, CHAPMAN: I bet there’s not much you don’t know about the body, Antigone? ANTIGONE: That sounded like a double meaning GEORGIE: It’s called flirting ANTIGONE: Oh gosh, is it? CHAPMAN: Well, now ANTIGONE: It’s smashing, do it again, have I made it awkward? DAMN RUDYARD: I haven’t got all day! CHAPMAN: Yes so, Rudyard, Antigone and GEORGIE: Georgie, Hi ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CHAPMAN: I saw you at the funeral, didn’t I GEORGIE: Yeah, helping out, it’s a job RUDYARD: Georgie, don’t give away company secrets GEORGIE: I was only - ANTIGONE: Hang on, you were at the funeral this morning? CHAPMAN: Yes I was RUDYARD: And I’m sure you’re impressed with what you saw there Mr Chapman but we really are frightfully CHAPMAN: Actually I wasn’t entirely sure it came off RUDYARD: I’m sorry? CHAPMAN: For a start it got a little violent didn’t it? RUDYARD: Did you think so? CHAPMAN: At the end yes RUDYARD: I’m not sure what funeral you were watching, Mr Chapman but all I saw was good clean mourning CHAPMAN: Didn’t someone die? RUDYARD: A very convenient place for it to happen, Georgie GEORGIE: I’m not RUDYARD: There you go, don’t let us keep you Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: And I thought there could have been a greater attention to detail. Stop me if I’m getting too critical. RUDYARD: Okay I’ll stop you there ANTIGONE: Shut up, carry on Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Eric ANTIGONE: Gosh CHAPMAN: I have to say it was a little bit grim, I mean it’s a funeral it’s hardly party time but even so these occasions should be a celebration of life rather than going on about death, do you know what I mean? RUDYARD: Nope CHAPMAN: Ah, I don’t want to be made more miserable and I want to remember those happy magnificent memories, I want a cheerful atmosphere, bright flowers, music, funny recolations ANTIGONE: Sweeter smelling fluids CHAPMAN: Exactly, fluids? ANTIGONE: I think they’re very important. CHAPMAN: Sure thing. That's what I mean! Sorting out those little details, pushing the boat out, or the hearse out, well that's just my two cents for what it’s worth RUDYARD: Well, I don’t know what planet you live on, Mr Chapman, but - ANTIGONE: Thank you! We’ll bear those things in mind, won’t we Rudyard. RUDYARD: remind me- ANTIGONE: Smashing! CHAPMAN: Anyway, I thought I’d swing by ANTIGONE: Oh any time! CHAPMAN: Thank you, ANTIGONE: Any time at all CHAPMAN: Yes, I was just swinging by to see the competition. RUDYARD: Competition? CHAPMAN: Yes. ANTIGONE: You mean like a raffle? CHAPMAN: Not exactly RUDYARD: I hate raffles CHAPMAN: That’s a strange thing to hate. I meant you lot! Er, Funn Funerals the local competition… In funerals RUDYARD: You’re an undertaker. CHAPMAN: Well clients prefer funeral director ANTIGONE: You’re just visiting though?! CHAPMAN: No, I live here now, I’m setting myself up ANTIGONE: Your own funeral home? CHAPMAN: yeah, Chapmans, not quite as catchy as Funn Funerals but there we are ANTIGONE: Where are you going to be? CHAPMAN: You know the antique dealer you just buried, Stanley Carmichael? I’m just taking over his premises. ANTIGONE: Just across the square! CHAPMAN: That’s right! Opposite you actually, we’ll probably see a lot of each other, compare notes, swap stories, down the pub - mine’s a light ale by the way. Err did someone die in here? RUDYARD: Goodbye Chapman. CHAPMAN: Oh sure! Glad to meet you Rudyard, Antigone ANTIGONE: Chapman. CHAPMAN: Georgie GEORGIE: See you later ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CAPMAN: Okay. (exhales) Enjoy yourselves! Ah! The sun’s come out! RUDYARD: If he thinks I’m going to buy him a light ale, he’s very much mistaken. ANTIGONE: Oh shut up Rudyard! This is actually very serious. GEORGIE: He seemed fine ANTIGONE: No he didn’t, Georgie, coming over here waving his credentials in our faces, giving us feedback, my god! GEORGIE: I thought you liked him? ANTIGONE: Liked him?! Liked him?! GEORGIE: Yeah! You were talking about fluids and everything! ANTIGONE: That’s professional chit-chat for god’s sake, do you think I like gorgeous handsome men, do you? Exactly, it’s disgusting, it’s disgusting RUDYARD: I can’t think of a scenario where I would buy someone a light ale ANTIGONE: Rudyard, focus! He is serious competition RUDYARD: Him? Competition? Were you listening to the man? GEORGIE: No she wasn’t, She was gazing into his eyes ANTIGONE: Georgina! Go and make some tea. GEORGIE: We haven’t got a kettle ANTIGONE: Buy one. GEORGIE: Fine ANTIGONE: Rudyard, we’re finished, I think I’ll take a cyanide capsule RUDYARD: We are not finished, we’re an established firm, going back centuries! Nobody round here is going to book a funeral with a complete stranger. ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Look At His Shop! RUDYARD: What is it? ANTIGONE: He’s already changed the sign! ‘Chapman’s’ Just like he said. RUDYARD: I’ll admit he’s working quickly. ANTIGONE: That does it. You’ve got to see the mayor, tell him this village isn’t big enough for two funeral homes! RUDYARD: That’s not a bad idea actually, I’ll see him now. (leaves) One day I’ll find an umbrella. [narration] Rudyard scuttled across the village square and up the step leading to Piffling Hall. He was shown into the office of the Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond. A man who thought the most wonderful words in the english language were “I’m sure it’s going to be fine!” SECRETARY: Mr Rudyard Funn to see you sir. MAYOR: Oh, Thank you Margery RUDYARD: Your worship, I really am most desperately sorry to- where are you? MAYOR: Down here, Rudyard, Under the desk. RUDYARD: Why? MAYOR: Ohh, just sitting here, you know. Doing a bit of thinking, big world out there RUDYARD: Yes, er I came to ask you- MAYOR: Rudyard, do you know what the difference is between a village and a town. RUDYARD: Well er, a town has a greater area, MAYOR: Yes? RUDYARD: Higher population, more amenities MAYOR: Ah, amenities, yes RUDYARD: A mayor! MAYOR: oh yes RUDYARD: I actually came to- MAYOR: We have to do something, Rudyard, with our lives haven’t we Rudyard? Don’t you think? RUDYARD: Yes! MAYOR: I look at my seal of office sometimes and all my envelopes, and I read my name, and have I done enough I ask myself, am I even Right Honourable because I don’t feel it. RUDYARD: Well, to call yourself Right Honourable you have to be a judge or a privy counsellor MAYOR: Really? I’m going to change all my stationary now! You see, this is the thing I’m talking about! What have I earned? What have I achieved? God knows we have to try and justify ourselves, somehow. RUDYARD: mhm, I don’t like the man across the road from me. MAYOR: Exactly, and then what with my sister passing the bucket last week, oh top drawer send off you chaps gave her by the way. RUDYARD: Oh, thank you! MAYOR: Oh, pity it rained RUDYARD: Yes well MAYOR: Can’t help that, or the grounds subsidence, still we all laughed seeing her flopping about like that did we- anyway, Do you know what I’ve decided to do, Rudyard? I am going to turn this village into a town. That’s what I’m going to do. I mean things must expand, mustn’t they? RUDYARD: Probably? MAYOR: Do you think so? Good! She used to say terrible things to me, my sister RUDYARD: I’ve got a problem actually MAYOR: Have you? Well can I help, cause I really like to be useful RUDYARD: I think you can be, you see, your worship, there’s this man. MAYOR: He’s not worth it Rudyard. RUDYARD: Yes. What? No I mean, this man is opening a new funeral home directly across the road from mine. MAYOR: Is that a problem? RUDYARD: We can’t have two funeral homes can’t we? MAYOR: Can’t we, why not RUDYARD: Well it’d be ridiculous! MAYOR: I don’t was to look ridiculous! RUDYARD: Exactly! If we have two funeral homes, why not two fire stations, two hospitals, two mayors! MAYOR: Two mayors!?! Could it really get that far? RUDYARD: I would hate to speculate MAYOR: Help me up, would you? Yes, I think we should stab this in the bud immediately. Thank you Rudyard. RUDYARD: Thank you your worship! MAYOR: Gets me out the office anyway RUDYARD: Well from under the desk. MAYOR: We won't talk about that. Margery, cancel my appointments for today SECRETARY: There aren’t any MAYOR: Thank you! Off we go, Rudyard [narration] Upon arriving at Chapman’s, Rudyard and the - until recently Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond discovered that the place was about ready to be opened! And it wasn’t yet even midday! Rudyard braced himself for a sinister journey into the unknown MAYOR: Wasn’t this place an antique shop a few hours ago? RUDYARD: I don’t understand how he has managed to do all this?! MAYOR: Bit flash isn’t it, all these happy colours, not a patch on your set up, look not a speck of dust anywhere! RUDYARD: I mean, he arrived this morning! MAYOR: It must be said though, these sofas are really comfy! Is that a coffee machine? RUDYARD: Yes? MAYOR: Does your place have one of those? RUDYARD: We bought a kettle only half an hour ago CHAPMAN: Hi, sorry to keep you waiting as you can imagine, it’s all go here! RUDYARD: Is that a lift?! CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Eric Chapman, there are some chocolate truffles in the bowl there, help yourself. Would you like the tour, I’d love to show you around, it’s still not quite finished MAYOR: Perhaps another time, Mr Chapman RUDYARD: You’ve got a lift?! MAYOR: Umm, I don’t know quite how to say this but CHAPMAN: How to say what, Mr Mayor? MAYOR: Well, it’s very naughty of you to have done this, is it? CHAPMAN: Is it? MAYOR: Oh without permission I mean CHAPMAN: But you gave me permission MAYOR: Did I? CHAPMAN: I mean before I came here, I was calling back and forth with your people and everything got sorted and err where are we, here we are, look, here’s your signature MAYOR: Yes, the smiley face in the ‘O’ well, it’s definitely mine! You must understand, I don't always read everything I’m given, I am usually kept very busy CHAPMAN: I’m sure, don’t worry about it MAYOR: What do you think? Rudyard? RUDYARD: That’s a really nice lift?!! CHAPMAN: Oh thanks Rudyard MAYOR: Yes, well, even with all this I mean, I am the mayor aren’t I and I have the perfect right to change my mind. CHAPMAN: Oh do you not want me here? MAYOR: No no no no! Not that but you see it’s just that well err, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Sorry? Yes er, Now Look Here CHAPMAN: Yes? RUDYARD: We’ve already got a funeral home MAYOR: Exactly! We’ve already got one and will the best will in the world we can’t have two funeral homes, can we? CHAPMAN: Why? MAYOR: Because, well, then you see, we’d need apparently have to have two hospitals you see? CHAPMAN: That’s a great idea MAYOR: Is it? Oh well good, I’d get onto that! BUT No, nevertheless the village just can’t sustain two funeral homes can it? CHAPMAN: You could be right there MAYOR: Could I? RUDYARD: Told you so CHAPMAN: But you know what could sustain two funeral homes? MAYOR: No? CHAPMAN: A town! MAYOR: A town? You say? RUDYARD: Hmm No! No- CHAPMAN: Now don’t get me wrong, this is a great village but I think it’s going to be an even greater town! And I want to help you do that in the only way I can: with a funeral home. MAYOR: Can I ask you a question? CHAPMAN: Go for it MAYOR: If we had two funeral homes would we need two mayors as well? CHAPMAN: No. That’s ridiculous MAYOR: Oh, excellent in that case I hereby pronounce this funeral home: open! RUDYARD: What? What are they doing there?! CHAPMAN: We’re taking advance orders, it’s just a service we provide. MAYOR: Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Oh please, Mr Mayor, It’s Eric MAYOR: Best of luck Eric, if you are ever at a loose end, do pop by the hall, sometimes we have movie nights! CHAPMAN: I’ll remember that and if you ever need our services it’s on the house. MAYOR: Tremendous, looking forward to it, now RUDYARD: Now, now hang on, we- MAYOR: Glad to have you here CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor MAYOR: No no no, call me Desmond! Ttfn CHAPMAN: Talk to you later, Desmond MAYOR: Should I leave the doors open? CHAPMAN: Oh, if you would, Rudyard I’m sorry I can’t stay and chat, can I get you anything. Oh I know what, make yourself a cup of coffee, I’ll better see to that queue eh? Enjoy yourself! Don’t forget the truffles! Good morning ladies and gentlemen, well afternoon now. Well, I’m delighted to say welcome to Chapman’s and remember: We put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: Chapman! [narration] After a coffee, and a couple of truffles, Rudyard stormed out, seething with resentment. He kicked a small dog and got bitten by its owner. Having gotten back to Funn Funerals, Rudyard sat down on a chair by the window and stared out across the road muttering out loud to his only real friend in the world RUDYARD: (muttering) It’s only a funeral home who the hell do they think they are eh? (squeaks) RUDYARD: Exactly, I give him a week, alright maybe two.. Ah he might have gold blend and lounge music but you can’t put a glass on the mechanics. We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time, That’s what it's about, I bet his corpses don't smell of cinnamon. Yeah, we’ll see who runs this village. ANTIGONE: Rudyard you’re talking to that mouse again aren’t you? RUDYARD: Her name is Madeleine ANTIGONE: It’s not normal! RUDYARD: Antigone, you spend twenty-three hours a day in the mortuary don’t try to tell me what’s normal. Off you go Madeleine, we’ll continue this later ANTIGONE: You haven’t moved all afternoon! RUDYARD: I don’t need to move, I’m plotting ANTIGONE: Where’s Georgie? RUDYARD: Day off, no work, plotting. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the first time in our lives we actually have competition which means we could really do with having some friends so could you get out there and make some? RUDYARD: I’ll do it tomorrow ANTIGONE: Have you at least gone round to check on Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Who? ANTIGONE: Mr Ascii, the man we’ve been waiting to die for six weeks, because so help me I need to embalm somebody and it could quite easily be you RUDYARD: Look Mr Ascii’s immortal, he’ll never die so what’s the point about it. Now Look Here, Georgie? What? Right, I’ll see you there. Mr Ascii’s dead. ANTIGONE: Is he? RUDYARD: Yes. OH MY GOD MR ASCII’S DEAD! ANTIGONE: How?! RUDYARD: Heart attack, half an hour ago it’s all around the village, Antigone, I’m so happy! ANTIGONE: Took him long enough RUDYARD: Ahh He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead! ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Stop being happy and get over there now! RUDYARD: Sorry, yes, get over there, I’m gone. Rudyard is back in the game! … Rudyard is going to get wet! Have the mortuary ready! ANTIGONE: And Rudyard, don’t cock it up. [narration] Before you judge Rudyard too harshly at his delight at an old man’s demise, I should tell you that Mr Ascii was Rudyard’s old PE teacher at school so his delight is almost entirely justified. Rudyard met Georgie at Mr Ascii’s bijuu residence at five forty-five. GEORGIE: Okay, okay  RUDYARD: Georgie GEORIGIE: Sir? RUDYARD: Say it again for me won’t you, say it again GEORGIE: Alright, Mr Ascii’s dead but listen I’ve got- RUDYARD: Yeessssss, Get in there my son… whatever that means GEORGIE: Yeah I ought to say- RUDYARD: I’ve been looking forward to putting him in the ground, can’t mock me for losing the 200 metre dash now can you, Mr Ascii! GEORGIE: Before you get excited RUDYARD: Right yes, got to straighten up, think grave. How do I look? GEORGIE: Miserable RUDYARD: Great, let’s go GEORGIE: But sir, NURSE: Could we please have some quiet out here, oh it’s you, Mister Funn RUDYARD: Good afternoon nurse, Could please take this opportunity to convey my most prevermed(???) condolences NURSE: Thank you Mister Funn RUDYARD: I’m sure my apprentice Ms Crusoe, has already carried out our preliminary duties so I think in the interest of efficiency we should let the dog see the rabbit, if you’ll take me through NURSE: Well, This is actually rather embarrassing RUDYARD: Oh please don’t say it’s a false alarm! NURSE: In a sense,,, yes RUDYARD: Oh for, Georgie you said he was dead GEORGIE: He is dead RUDYARD: But, ugh, Nurse, one of us in this corridor is deeply confused and I’m beginning to believe it might be you NURSE: No? RUDYARD: I knew it, she’s mad, grab her Georgie. NURSE: I’m not mad! RUDYARD: That’s what a mad person would say, Georgie GEORGIE: Let’s do this CHAPMAN: Rudyard! Great to see you RUDYARD: Chapman! CHAPMAN: Busy afternoon, eh, hello Georgie GEORGIE: Hey, Eric RUDYARD: Stop flirting. Nurse, I demand this man be told to vacate this bijuu residence immediately CHAPMAN: Look, this is my bad, and I’ve really got to apologise for this one NURSE: Mr Ascii requested it! RUDYARD: He what? NURSE: With his final words he said he couldn’t bare to get buried by such a feeble little weed as Rudyard Funn CHAPMAN: Interesting man, he wanted to see my gold medals from the 200 metre dash, gotta say I wasn’t expecting business to kick off so quickly NURSE: You’re doing a most proper job Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Thank you nurse, I think we’ll collect him first thing tomorrow. Anyway must run, good to see you Rudyard, Georgie. Enjoy yourselves! Ahh NURSE: What a charming man, I hear he’s still a bachelor RUDYARD: So am I.. NURSE: Yes well, hardly surprising is it? GEORGIE: Ahh well, can’t win em all eh sir? Sir, are you alright? RUDYARD: I am so… SIX O CLOCK GEORGIE: Six o clock? RUDYARD: Six o clock! The cemetery, Stanley’s widow, Stanley Carmichael’s widow in the cemetery at six o clock! GEORGIE: Oh yeah! I forgot about that! RUDYARD: What time is it? GEORGIE: About five to six but you’ll never get there. Sir?! Oh for god’s sake, Rudyard! Come back here you stupid. [narration] Rudyard raced down the cliff, past the trees and through the streets with speed that would have finally impressed Mr Ascii, had he not already been dead. His lungs aching for breath, his limbs trembling with the effort, Rudyard tumbled into the cemetery at exactly one minute past six. To discover… RUDYARD: It’s…. It’s all REV: Ahh, there you are Rudyard! RUDYARD: Reverend? What’s going on? REV: Well, I arrived to oversee the preliminaries on Mrs Carmichael’s err, transferal to a better world - if such a place exists - which i'm not certain about one way or the other, and I found that her family and friends had been gathered together already for the funeral. RUDYARD: For the funeral? REV: Since the deceased was already here, and sensibly dressed, he just got it done out of the way, young fella named Eric, got his own funeral practise I understand. I’m hearing marvelous things about it. He’s got a coffee machine! Led them all a couple of sing songs actually, even had my speech prepared for me! Very succinct it was, breezed through it all in no time. RUDYARD: Chapman… REV: Oh he also found a lake! Over there! I think we’re all going boating in a minute. He owns a boat you know RUDYARD: Chapman! REV: Anyway, I better get to be going back to it, we’re having jelly and ice cream, bags of fun. Goodbye, Rudyard! Or should I say: Enjoy yourself! RUDYARD: I see. I see. Well CHAPMAN: Hello Rudyard. RUDYARD: Oh. It’s. you. Did a fair job I hear, congratulations, don’t think it will always be like this they won’t hand it to you on a plate you know, they won’t do that. This is very much the exception. Oh what? What? You can talk can’t you? Say something? CHAPMAN: Rudyard. Have a nice evening. RUDYARD: What do you- What do you mean: have a nice evening? What do you mean by that remark, Chapman? What if I don’t want to have a nice evening? Eh? What if I Don’t? Chapman! What did you mean! Chapman! Chapman?! [narration] Today had been the worst day of Rudyard’s life, until tomorrow came along and topped it. I was there to jot it all down from first hand observation (and a little bit of gossip I picked up later) and of course, being his only real friend in the world, Rudyard tells me everything. My name is Madeleine - I’m going to be the first mouse to be a Sunday Times Best Seller, and I know for a fact that Rudyard want to revenge himself on Eric by well, we’ll burn that bridge when be come to it 

[oury-boros]

hey uhhh 2 questions

1) why did I need to know that Gilbert Funn was a serial bigamist

2) how did I never register this. This is my fifth time listening to the bane of rudyard and I only just figured it out.

[agentmika]

EPISODE 1.1 – THE BANE OF RUDYARD //  EPISODE 4.9 – THE LAST NAIL IN THE COFFIN

[k-elizabeth-r]

i’ve got a problem, actually.

have you? can i help? because i’d really like to be useful.

i think you can be. you see, your worship... there’s this man.

•• he’s not worth it, rudyard ••

yes — what? — no, i mean, this man is opening a new funeral home. directly across the road from mine.

— the bane of rudyard, episode one

(with artistic inspiration from the creators and artists of wooden overcoats)

[petrosapian]

Season 1 Episode 1: The Bane of Rudyard Funn

-

Season 4 Episode 10: Funn Farewell

[monstersqueen]

Piffling Vale <3 , S1E01 - The Bane of Rudyard

JERRY: (OFF) You’re ruining everything!

Jerry's first appearance. I hate him already.

Rudyard meanwhile is being is usual unpleasant self. i don't give a fuck i'm still on his side.

Anyway back then the relationship between him and georgie was far more boss-employee like.

WAVERING: Oh now, now come on, everyone, stay calm – Jerry, put that shovel down!

....apparently JERRY should have been the first suspect in case of attempted murder.

GEORGIE: Do you think we’ll ever have a quiet funeral? RUDYARD: Asking for the impossible never helped anyone. GEORGIE: People smiling and swapping funny memories... I’m just not sure that every funeral should end in violent conflict.

ah the chapman approach to funerals. not that much better than the one that ends up in violent conflict, all things considered.

Rudyard, for the very last time: they don’t want chaos, they don’t want stress, and they don’t want a relative dead before the first has even been buried!

yes, but do they want a party ? of course not. a very good one might make them forget it's not what they want, but it still won't be.

ERIC: Terrific name. I suppose you put the Funn in Funerals? (POLITE CHUCKLE) RUDYARD: (BEAT) No, of course we don’t. (BEAT) That’s obscene.

indeed. why would you.

(...don't answer that it'll make me cry over eric chapman)

RUDYARD: (BORED, AS IF USHERING ERIC OUT) And I’m sure you were impressed with what you saw, Mr Chapman, but we really are frightfully- ERIC: Actually, I wasn’t entirely sure it came off.

ok i'm going to borrow words from elementary students everywhere but : chapman started it !

(can't help but think about him in the finale going "i know what i've put you through and i won't do it again" and like. the character development! like first time around i didn't really feel like he was provoking them - just honestly thinking they could be two funeral home in the village and there'd be no problem - but this time it really feels like he was provoking them.

of course thinking about it i. don't think he was thinking that far. he just wanted - needed - to start a funeral home and wasn't thinking about the consequences for the funns.)

ERIC: Georgie. GEORGIE: See you later-

i had completely forgotten that georgie DIDN'T hate chapman on sight. will come later. neither does rudyard in fact! antigone is the one who immediately clocks him as a threat. despite the overwhelming one sided attraction.

honestly rudyard is. far from being awful to chapman this episode ? i don't find the way he acts out of line considering that. chapman IS setting himself as competition and threatening their livehood.

RUDYARD: Well. If he thinks I’m going to buy him a light ale, he’s very much mistaken.

[...]

RUDYARD: I can’t think of a scenario where I would buy someone a light ale.

Hm. i find myself wanting to check the last episode(s) for rudyard offering a light ale.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard! You’re talking to that mouse again, aren’t you? RUDYARD: Her name is Madeleine. ANTIGONE: It’s not normal.

aww this too will get better.

in the meantime antigone you are SO RUDE

ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the first time in our lives we’ve actually got competition, which means we could really do with having some friends – so could you get out there and make some?!

i dont know antigone could you ? not to make light of your anxiety but despite it out of the two of you i don't think this a task more suited to rudyard.

....:((( i love the twins.

Before you judge Rudyard too harshly at his delight at an old man’s demise, I should tell you that Mr. Askey was Rudyard’s old P.E. teacher at school, so his delight is almost entirely justified.

actually given what we've seen of rudyard's high school years there's no "almost" about it.

Thank you, Nurse. I think we’ll collect him first thing tomorrow. Anyway, must run – good to see you Rudyard, Georgie! Enjoy yourselves!

anyway that's what he does the whole episode : come in, announces bad news for the fun that are also good news for him, and then run off without letting them the time to react.

like i said rudyard is nowhere near as awful to him as i'd expect. he just doesn't have the opportunity for it.

of course eric doesn't stay to interact, thinking about it. he's way too of in his running away from his grief to actually look at his effect on people around him, isn't he?

RUDYARD: (YELLS. BEAT. GETS BREATH BACK) Oh. It’s you. (BEAT) Did a fair job, I hear. Congratulations. (BEAT) Don’t think it’s always like this. They won’t hand it you to on a plate, you know. They won’t do that. This is very much the exception. (BEAT) Well? What? (BEAT) What? (BEAT) You can talk, can’t you? (BEAT) Well say something! ERIC: (BEAT) Rudyard... Have a nice evening.

like i said, rudyard's reaction is. not actually over the top for what's happening.

(not yet anyway)

anyway what i mean is that eric's got no right to his reaction of 'i'll take the higher ground and not engage with that man looking for a fight when i've done nothing wrong ! i haven't wronged him at all!'

dude given the effects of your actions on his life - unintentional, accidental or whatever - he's actually. Quite calm and mesured about it. For now :D

all that go out of the window next episode. of course :D

[greatatmakingmemes]

Sentence Starters - “Wooden Overcoats”, S1 E1: “The Bane of Rudyard”

“It all began with a funeral.”

“I might be tempted if it came down in price… Hint, hint.”

“You’re rambling.”

“If you believe in God, could you put your hands up?”

“We’re sixteen minutes behind schedule, nearly seventeen.”

“Stop moaning. Put your back into it.”

“You’re ruining everything!”

“You horrid, little man/woman! Stop hurrying things along!”

“He/she/they doesn’t/don’t look healthy though, does he/she/they?”

“I noticed you stuff that carriage clock down your blouse when you thought no one was looking.”

“__________, put that shovel down!”

“Of course they don’t look happy - it’s a funeral!”

“I don’t know if it was fatal, but it looked promising to me.”

“Asking for the impossible never helped anyone.”

“I’m just not sure every funeral should end in violent conflict.”

“I want to go to [Name]’s and see if he’s/she’s/they’re dead yet.”

“Now, look here!”

“I’d rather look at the corpses!”

“Does ‘rest in peace’ mean nothing to you?”

“The poor dear had been diagnosed with depression within twenty minutes of being born.”

“It’s been a very productive morning.”

“I’ve spent the past five hours mixing formaldehyde and methanol with clementines and a tiny - TINY - dash of cinnamon.”

“Why do we still talk to each other?”

“Our grandad’s dead, but don’t worry because he smells like Christmas!”

“It’s how to run a business. You wouldn’t know.”

“Sir/Ma'am, your other jacket’s been eaten by moths.”

“________, for the last time: they don’t want chaos, they don’t want stress, and they don’t want a relative dead before the first one is buried!”

“________, leave it to the professionals.”

“There’s no need to brag about it. I’ve met people before.”

“I bet there’s not much you don’t know about the body, __________.”

“Stop me if I’m getting too critical…”

“Pushing the boat out! Or… the hearse out.”

“I was just swinging by to see the competition.”

“I hate raffles.”

“Mine’s a light ale, by the way.”

“Ah! The sun’s come out!”

“Well, if he/she/they thinks/think I’m going to buy him/her/them a light ale, he’s/she’s/they’re very much mistaken.”

“Oh, shut up, ________! This is actually very serious!”

“Do you think I like gorgeous, handsome men? Do you!?”

“Do you know what the difference is between a village and a town?”

“We have to do something with our lives, ________, don’t you think?”

“I have to change all my stationery now!”

“God knows we have to try and justify ourselves somehow!”

“I don’t like the man across the road from me.”

“She used to say terrible things to me, my sister…”

“He’s/She’s/They’re not worth it, _______.”

“Is that a coffee machine?”

“We bought a kettle half an hour ago.”

“It is very naughty for you to have done all this.”

“It’s a really nice lift!”

“We’re taking advance orders. Just a service we provide!”

“If you’re ever at a loose end, do pop by the hall. Sometimes, we have movie nights!”

“Remember: we put the fun in funerals!”

“Enjoy yourself!”

“He/She/They kicked a small dog and got bitten by its owner.”

“We get the body in the ground on time!”

“We’ll see who runs this village.”

“_____________, you’re talking to that mouse again. It’s not normal.”

“_____________, you spend 23 hours a day in the mortuary, don’t tell me what’s normal.”

“We could really do with some friends.”

“I need to embalm somebody and it could quite easily be you.”

“Stop being happy and get over there now!”

“Don’t cock it up.”

“GET IN THERE, MY SON - whatever that means.”

“Can’t mock me for losing the 200-meter dash now, can you?”

“In the interest of efficiency, I think we should let the dog see the rabbit.”

“Stop flirting.”

“You’re doing a most proper job, __________.”

“What a charming man. I hear he’s still a bachelor.”

“I think we’re all going boating in a minute!”

“We’re having jelly and ice cream - bags of fun!”

“What do you mean ‘have a nice evening’?”

“What if I don’t want to have a nice evening?”

“I was there to jot it all down.”

“Being his/her/their only real friend in the world, __________ tells me everything.”

[susiephone]

Best Wooden Overcoats Episode Bracket!

Round Two: "In the Buff" vs. "The Bane of Rudyard"

"In the Buff" episode description: When Antigone volunteers for a charity calendar, she doesn’t quite realise what it involves.

"The Bane of Rudyard" episode description: On the overlooked Channel Island of Piffling, obstinate undertaker Rudyard Funn runs his family’s failing funeral parlour. But when new and sexy undertaker Eric Chapman sets up shop across the square and becomes an immediate sensation, Rudyard realises he’ll have to take drastic steps to stay in business. 

See the full bracket here. Vote on other polls here.

[rudyardfunk]

Wooden Overcoats (non-season-finale) Episodes Bracket: Round II

Round II of voting is going live now! If you want more information about the bracket, here is the origional post. If you vote on a poll, please reblog to spread it to more people.

Here are this rounds polls:

The Bane of Rudyard vs Flowers For Chapman

Georgina and the Waves vs The Race for Piffling

In the Buff vs A Match Made in Piffling

A Funeral House Divided vs The Big Cheese

Rudyard Makes a Friend vs Rudyard Takes a Hike

The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard vs The Bodysnatchers

Antigone in the Spotlight vs The Sweet Sweet Taste of Death

Undertakers Underground vs The Sunshine Treatment

Edit: here is the current round

[fractalfrequencies]

Esa es Antígona, la hermana gemela de Rudyard, a pesar de haber nacido una semana más tarde. A los veinte minutos de nacida a la pobre la habían diagnosticado con depresión. ¡Un récord mundial! Cosa que no le trajo ninguna consolación.

Wooden Overcoats, Ep 1 - The Bane of Rudyard

“That’s Antigone, Rudyard’s twin sister, despite being actually born one week afterwards. The poor dear had been diagnosed with depression within twenty minutes of being born. A world record! Which gave her no consolation at all.”

[cupidsbower]

We called her the woman who did not care

Supernatural 12x19, “The Future,” and 12x20, “Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes.”

These two titles have particularly strong word associations for me, and we’re at that point of the season where the foreshadowing could resolve in two very different ways -- onto a mostly tragic path as has happened so often in the past, or into a more optimistic future with just a bit of bittersweet for flavouring.

Before I start, I make note here that watching the deaths of three women of colour (one of them twice) and the damning of one queer man of colour, plus the attempted suicide of yet another woman, and the sadistic torturing of another woman-shaped being within two episodes... let’s just say I’m not happy about it. I feel it deserves more words, but I’m tired. So tired.

Anyway.

“The Future” should, by all rights, be an optimistic title, but in the grand tradition of Supernatural, it can also be read as darkly ironic given what the episode is about.

The first association for me is with “The End” because we have returned to many of the themes and plot points of that season, including a reference to team free will, and the possible rise of Lucifer and destruction of the world. “The End” was also an episode about Castiel when he had lost all hope, and had turned to sex and drugs for solace.

The parallels are not exact, of course, but add in Kelly’s suicide attempt -- a despairing attempt to stop the future -- and the cultish fervour both Kelly and Castiel show about the nephilim baby (almost like they’re drugged), and there’s definitely more than a hint that the future ahead might be more of a dead end than a way forward.

On the other hand, as Whitney Houston put it, “I believe the children are our future,” so there’s that.

Greatest Love Of All, by Whitney Houston

I believe the children are our are future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be Everybody searching for a hero People need someone to look up to I never found anyone who fulfill my needs

A lonely place to be So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows If I fail, if I succeed At least I'll live as I believe No matter what they take from me They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Is happening to me I found the greatest love of all Inside of me The greatest love of all Is easy to achieve Learning to love yourself It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows If I fail, if I succeed At least I'll live as I believe No matter what they take from me They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Is happening to me I found the greatest love of all Inside of me The greatest love of all Is easy to achieve Learning to love yourself It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place That you've been dreaming of Leads you to a lonely place Find your strength in love

Season 12 is a season very much about the legacy that parents pass on to their children, nature vs nurture, and developing emotional maturity rather than toxic codependency. It’s about the greatest love of all, which Dean and to a lesser extent Sam have been making strides towards, but which Castiel has not yet learned at all. And it’s about the children of the past becoming the adults of the now, in time to raise the next generation.

See what I mean about the foreshadowing having a dual nature? It could literally follow either of these paths at this point -- the dead end, or the greatest love of all.

Right now, I’m leaning towards a more happy than not resolution to the season, because usually they’d be having more wins if the climax was leading to tragedy, in order to give it a bigger punch when it hits.

I also think (hope) that we are going to get several major inversions, because if the foreshadowing is firm on anything, it’s that.

I’m more convinced than ever that the nephilim is actually a girl. Such a point has been made of “son” that I think there’s a very good chance it’s a bait and switch, and the nephilim will not be what anyone expects. It would also shatter so much of the legacy of toxic masculinity that this season has been questioning. Everyone is so wrapped up sons, but this season is part of the arc of Amara and Mary, bringing more women into the Supernatural world.

I’m also very curious about the heterosexual coding of Kelly and Castiel in this episode. From the outside they invoke some very traditional expectations about pregnancy -- with the tummy touching, the focus on the baby and impending (defacto) parenthood, clasped hands, male-coded protectiveness, and the fanatical belief that everything will be okay. So much of this is out of the het romance script, but it’s all surface, and underneath it’s wrong, wrong, wrong. So, is it the baby that’s wrong? Or is it the heterosexual coding that’s wrong?

Again, we’re in the season of questioning and inverting the past, and last time around this particular block was season 6: Dean’s failure as a (heterosexual) partner and dad to Lisa and Ben; soulless Sam who wasn’t acting right; and queer-coding for Castiel signalling he was about to go darkside (he was in Dean’s ass).

*squints at the foreshadowing*

How exactly do you plan to invert that, show? Because once more I’m seeing three male-shaped beings and a little nephilim as a very real possibility for next season, right alongside the greatest love of all.

Let’s talk about the greatest love of all for a minute. Whitney Houston is singing about self-respect, not romantic love -- the self-respect both Kelly and Castiel were lacking in this episode. Where does that kind of love come from? The show has been focused on re-framing familial love this season, rather than either toxic codependency or romantic love. So can acceptance by family help with self-love? Can the nephilim be part of healthy familial love? Can Castiel?

Given that theme, I do think we might get another declaration of love before the season ends. But it might not be the one we expect.

“Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes,” is a title that niggled at me for days, until I finally figured out what it reminded me of -- The Vampire by Rudyard Kipling.

The Vampire, by Rudyard Kipling

This poem was written in response to the painting you see there, by Philip Burne-Jones (not Edward as it says in the image, but Edward’s lesser-known son), which shows a woman as the vampire -- very much in the gothic tradition that was the focus of season 10 (the Steins, the Werther Project, Don Quixote etc).

It’s this line -- “a rag and a bone and a hank of hair” -- that the title of this episode reminds me of, not only because it’s in the poem, but because it was the title of a Fiske novel with very similar themes to both Kipling’s poem and "Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes.”

A fool there was and he made his prayer (Even as you and I!) To a rag and a bone and a hank of hair (We called her the woman who did not care), But the fool he called her his lady fair (Even as you and I!) Oh the years we waste and the tears we waste And the work of our head and hand, Belong to the woman who did not know (And now we know that she never could know) And did not understand. A fool there was and his goods he spent (Even as you and I!) Honor and faith and a sure intent But a fool must follow his natural bent (And it wasn't the least what the lady meant), (Even as you and I!) Oh the toil we lost and the spoil we lost And the excellent things we planned, Belong to the woman who didn't know why (And now we know she never knew why) And did not understand. The fool we stripped to his foolish hide (Even as you and I!) Which she might have seen when she threw him aside -- (But it isn't on record the lady tried) So some of him lived but the most of him died -- (Even as you and I!) And it isn't the shame and it isn't the blame That stings like a white hot brand. It's coming to know that she never knew why (Seeing at last she could never know why) And never could understand.

Tell me that first verse isn’t a pithy encapsulation of Max’s arc this episode.

There’s two ways to read this poem. The first is the sexist reading that the Femme Fatale sucks a decent man dry of his worldly goods and then callously dumps him. The second reading, and the one I personally think Kipling was going for, is basically saying this attitude of male entitlement is predictable and stupid and has nothing much to do with the woman. The commentary in the brackets, in particular, makes me think this. It’s a major burn for the artist who did that painting in other words, but done with enough nuance that a gormless young man would probably not realise it.

Why am I spending so much time on this tangentially related poem?

Because I think we see four different iterations of the theme of the focus of male attention which is actually a figment -- a rag and a bone and a hank of hair, or twigs and twine as the case may be.

The first is obviously Max. He chooses to create a golem of his sister rather than live into the future alone, and damns himself in the process. There’s already been a lot of meta about how Max is a parallel for the brothers (Sam’s magic, Dean’s queerness, or love of bartenders and cars if you prefer) and their toxic codependency, so I won’t retread that. But let’s consider Alicia for a moment. There are parallels here too (Soulless Sam, Demon Dean). Is she a person? Does the vessel matter? What makes a person a person? And should she get a say in her life or death? After all, she’s the one that has to live as a golem. Does Max have any right to do that to her? (Cliff Notes: No, no he doesn’t.)

(As an aside: how much of Max’s choice was nature and how much nurture? Dean thought Tasha Barnes was a good mother, and yet Max made the same kind of codependent choice as the Winchesters in the end. Or was this simply bad judgement in the face of grief, which wouldn’t have happened if he'd had a friend with him?)

The second is Mary and Ketch. We see another “false women” in the shifter wearing Mary’s face, which then tellingly shifts to Ketch’s face, and then finally is replaced by Mary herself. Ketch feels he has a proprietary claim to Mary’s body, that supersedes her own rights and choices. This is the BMOL’s philosophy all over -- they couldn’t be less Team Free Will if they tried. Their agenda is to kill everything they don’t like, and the ends justify the means, even if the means produce no ends.

The third was given to us last episode: Kelly. She’s a broodmare, a disposable womb that Lucifer covets as a means to an end. Rosemary, complete with baby, and we all know how that ended. Rosemary’s Baby is, after all, a parable of women’s enslavement to motherhood under patriarchy, in which she has no say in her impending motherhood.

And finally, we have Castiel. An angel in a human vessel, object of Dean’s intense concern, and receiver of valuable mixtape gifts.

Yes, one of these things is not like the others. But consider this. Dean and Sam’s solution to the threat that the nephilim potentially poses was to strip it of half its identity. It’s not allowed to be human and angel, it has to be one or the other to be “safe” and allowed to live.

Soooooo, conversion therapy or death? They are the options? That is supposedly the better way?

(As an aside, my comments here are not taking a stance on the ethics of real-world abortion. I’m pro-choice. I would have liked if the text explored the question of abortion from Kelly’s perspective in more depth, but it hasn’t, and the nephilim is clearly now showing agency, so the ethics have changed.)

Something I have long been interested in is the conversation in fandom about how Castiel should get to “choose Humanity” rather than having the choice made for him. There is something appealing about this notion, but I have always wondered, why must he choose? Can he not be both? Is that an invalid choice? Does he have to be human to belong in the Winchester family? Can’t he be loved for who is already is?

In other words... are people not allowed to be bi in the Supernatural ‘verse?

Because, you know, that question is relevant to my interests.

With that concern on the table, I come back to the idea of the “rag and a bone and a hank of hair.” Does Dean project his feelings onto Castiel the way Max/Ketch/Lucifer have been projecting them onto women? Does he expect things of Castiel he’s never actually asked for? Does he really understand what Castiel wants from Dean, or does Dean only think of the relationship in terms of what he wants himself?

I think that’s a pretty interesting set of questions, don’t you? I’d like to think the answer is no. I’m not so sure, though. Dean’s performance of masculinity/family has kind of gummed up the emotional works pretty well over the years. How far are we from the point at which he’s ready to let it go, and shift his relationships to a better way as well? He’s come a long, long way this season, but is he ready to know and be known?

I do think this may be the direction in which the climax is heading -- the characters allowing themselves to be known.

I hope so.

Previously:

The Ministry of Information vs Wayward Sons Carrying On (12x01)

My, my, how can I resist you? (12x02) and follow-up about Bohemian Raphsody

So what am I so afraid of? (I think I love you) (12x03)

I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy Down in my heart (Where?) (12x04) and a follow-up about the codependency and about Dean’s self-flagellation and issues with space

There can be only one! (12x05), and a follow-up conversation with elizabethrobertajones on Freud vs Schwartz.

They shall fall by the sword: they shall be a portion for foxes (12x06)  

Presenting the Immaculate Heart Reunion Tour (12x07)    

I’m still living the life where you get home and open the fridge and there’s half a pot of yogurt and a half a can of flat Coca-Cola. ~Alan Rickman (12x08, 12x09)

When the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men (12x10)    

in re (12x11)

Making the most of teachable moments (12x12) and an added thought, In-and-out-laws

Don’t fuck with the branches on my family tree (12x13)

To Protect and to Serve (12x14) and some more thoughts

Hiding in the shadow of love (12x15) and some further thoughts in response to @elizabethrobertajones‘ meta.

You’re living in the past, it’s a new generation (12x16)

I’m still the same old me, that’s all I’ll ever be (12x17 and 12x18)

[antigonefun]

"I'm the Mortician, where the action is." Antigone Funn Character moodboard - Wooden Overcoats S1 EP1, The Bane Of Rudyard

[k-elizabeth-r]

you’re mr rudyard funn of funn funerals?

that’s correct

•• terrific name. i suppose you put the funn in funerals? ••

•• no, of course we don’t…that’s obscene… ••

sure, nevermind —

— the bane of rudyard, episode one

(with artistic inspiration from the creators and artists of wooden overcoats)