#fun anxious hindi

[kimhortons]

friday, 11 october.

this is one of the days i want to remember. although it's really a bad day like parang hindi naman pag subok ni rold 'to. parang punishment ni lucifer 'to e. haha. just want to have fun of bad days like these.

recently, i feel tired kahit na kumpleto at sakto naman lagi tulog ko, antok na antok at ang bigat bigat lagi ng pakiramdam ko sa work. tuwing pag uwi parang pagod na pagod ako kahit maghapon naman akong nakaupo lang sa office. also, i've been feeling anxious while at work especially pag may trigger na kailangan ko pigilan mag react. i'm not really sure what's happening inside me but, today is really, really bad.

i had to refrain from reacting to my teammate's remark kaninang morning. imagine, umagang umaga like kakahawak ko lang ng mouse biglang magsasabi ng kung anong lowkey work rant niya of how i do my task. dahil sa bs na kpi, para akong nasa competition araw araw. nalulunod na ko.

nanahimik ako maghapon, pero since morning di ko napigilan mag breakdown na naman. hanggang sa halo halo na naman sila sa utak ko. magdamag akong umiiyak habang nag wowork at nagdadraft ng resignation letter. malapit na akong mapuno—puno na nga ata at umaapaw na. ang dami ng factors to let go of this job, at willing na naman ako matengga for the sake of my well being. feeling ko kasi habang tumatagal, parang lalo rin lumalalim yung sugat.

i tried to talk to one of my bestfriend about it, but kinamusta ko muna siya to know if okay ba mag vent sakanya. turns out na medyo hindi pala talaga kami okay. i've said and done things recently na nakadrag pala ng energy sakanya, it's been happening for some time na and i didn't realized it until she said it and i know hindi lang siya naka feel ng ganon towards me. i feel so bad and awful. i didn't mean to be like this especially to them.

hirap na hirap na ako tulungan sarili ko, maging okay, maging better. i know nandyan naman si J, pero like i always said. i don't want to give him more burden, feeling ko ang bigat na nga na he's with me tapos bibigyan ko pa siya ng ganito. and also, i know he always try to understand me pero iba yung pagintindi niya sakin compare sakanilang girl best friends ko. i dunno hirap explain.

i took my lunch break today crying in a toilet cubicle. hehe. cos i'm afraid that i might lose another friendship just because of my actions. or also, might lose a job for the sake of getting better—again. wala e, back to zero na talaga. i don't know how to help myself anymore.

it's been a bad long day, started it waking up 15 minutes late, tas nakalagpas pa ako ng babaan pag uwi. hays. hello, puffy eyes tomorrow. he he

[yostresswritinggirl]

hi twinnieee!! this is tofu :)) how have you been? i hope you've been well and happy!!

i'm just here to let you know that i'm applying for UPCAT since it's applicable for me now and i'm still planning on taking psychology, if not philosophy. although it's a pre-law for me now because i want to be a lawyer. haha crazy because i only planned on psychology because of you and had a full-length plan on becoming a forensics psychology ever since you mentioned that course ^^ i'm not expecting that i will pass since i know that the exams will be hard but i will try (iskolar ng bayan pls) (if hindi pumasa hello green school live jesus in our hearts forever na anthem ko hanggang mamatei)

anywayss, i just want to thank you because if not for you, i wouldn't dream of going to UP and i wouldn't dream of taking psychology ^^ i might be somewhere deep into doing something i don't even want so thank you a lot haha (im sorry im becoming sentimental its just that i was doing my applications earlier and then i thought of you and then stared at the wall) and also i'm turning 18 this year :')) the 18 plan has been out of the window ever since and i always remember your words, and i have more things to plan and look forward to <33

thank you again!! you were and always will be such a huge source of comfort and inspiration for me <33 i appreciate you and everything that you do. please continue on being a kind and good person that you are and i hope that you'll only have happiness and love !!

TWINNIE, TOFU, HOLY FUC

It's already been that long omayghad aldbdowkl it's finally here oh I'm so anxious and excited and so EVERYTHING for you right now! You're gonna do great, remember my points, and even if you don't it doesn't always mean you did bad! Make sure to add two choices for your course and remember that if you get in to your second choice, you can still shift - and if you don't get in, you can repeal with any of the campus but you CAN'T change campuses if that's the case. UPCAT is all about strategies and also a bit of chance with the slots, take it in stride whatever outcome you get!

I can't believe - I didn't know how much that meant to you and I had to take a bit of a break after seeing all of this because I've been just hit with the feels and couldn't form words, twinnie 😭out of all the things, a lawyer - actually you're a very strong-minded and willed individual that knows where their heart is and stands by it, you're going to do so many great things! Psychology or lawyer!

Thank you as well, you have no idea how much I love you as my twinnie and friend in my journey in this hellsite hgnhnghg gigil *ruffles your hair* thank you for remembering me in a good light and aaaa advanced happy 18th! Celebrate it however you like there will always be more birthdays and more chance for greater celebrations!

I can't stop saying thank you - but thank you so much for this message twinnie, I really needed that. And as for you, I really do hope you get into UP so that you can focus on your studies while having fun in such an environment that I know you'll thrive and grow in, but my greatest advice is to just keep being you and keep moving forward towards the thing you love and believe in. Surround yourself with the people and things you love and your kindness and goodness I know and love will shine through naturally and just as much :')

[slashercult]

hello, lovely! <3 may i please participate in your tarot game? if it's still open that is!

[🕯 - what film couple is like me and my fs?] may i ask this one, please?

my details

i'm ss, and i'm a female. i'm attracted to males. i'm from india, [so bollywood fever lmao] so my favourite movie is a hindi movie— 'bhool bhulaiyaa'/'maze' lead actor akshay kumar, directed by priyadarshan. i like it because it's both, comedic and highly engaging! the suspense was very properly displayed and everything felt like it went in sequence, like dots connecting yk, not just jump around and then bam, ending.

if i had to recommend you a movie, it'd be 'pirates of the caribbean' or 'pride and prejudice'. i love kiera knightley's works in all of these films! and a last one—'the portrait of the lady on fire.' it's based on a gay couple, so it take it as you may, but i seriously love it so much! i don't even have a reason lmao i just enjoy it a lot! it's originally french, but has translated versions, and it is set in eighteenth century-ish france.

your fs

when i began thinking about your fs, i suddenly had this feeling to look up and first thing i notice is all the red and black in my room. i don't have a lot of these colours, and usually i don't pay much attention to the walls [who does when the living place is constant yk] so either that is their favourite colour or they really like to see that on you. i pulled cards with these things while thinking of your fs: 1] white carnations 2] perfumeries 3] capricorn, pisces and/or aquarius energy 4] the star tarot card 5] lashes fluttering very quickly, blue irises i feel they're an indulgent but practical person. someone of high morals and clear goals. i felt anxious too suddenly even though i was very calm while starting the reading, so they might be someone who gets worked up easily about things. they take others stress on their head, too. also, pretty lashes fluttering very quickly is the first thing i saw when i closed my eyes thinking of them—the colour blue appeared just after, but i wouldn't take it so seriously lmao i don't do tarot but the star card literally just kept throwing itself at me, like pick me, pick me. i personally tend to associate it with past life connections and changes that happen for the better. but once again, i don't do tarot so take it however you'd like! this may be a connection that enters your life suddenly. this person would love to take care of you and be with you. not do anything, they just like your presence is what i heard.

they remind me of this character from genshin impact—chongyun. just the personality, nothing else!

i hope this would be enough <3 i'm new to the practice and don't do it on a regular basis, but tried my best! i hope it's to your liking!

thank you for this cute game!

hello hello, first of all thank u so much for the detailed ask and im so so sorry about the late reply. here is some feedback for your reading, so firstly i think you are very talented and would love to do an exchange with you in the future if you would like! also funny that you mention the star card, because i think that is the only tarot card i have ever had appear to me in a dream. here is your reading, i really hope you enjoy:

bones and all (2022)

okay okay lots of stuff is coming, after reading the cards my brain just like automatically connected the dots and i think the bond between lee and maren in bones and all captures your relationship with your fs perfectly. i think you both may meet unexpectedly, almost like you weren't supposed to meet each other but somehow found yourselves in the same room with one another. they did something that caught your attention and you immediately get drawn to them (not because you love them or anything but because you think they seem interesting and fun). i think you both will become friends rather quickly, there are a lot of similar hobbies and there's just this energy that you both share that makes you feel seen in one another. i personally do not believe in love at first sight but i think that this is the closest thing to that because of how drawn to each other you are. your fs has a pretty cool appearance, they have poofy hair and wear beautiful clothing, i think they tend to wear more cultural clothes. there is a playfullness between you two, it reminded me of this one behind the scenes of this film. i'll put the link here. you both will become really comfortable and close with each other, and you can confide in them and they will do the same to you. some more things im getting on your fs is that they are kind of like a bear, they are serious about protecting those that they love, also they are just cute and gentle like a bear too. they have attractive hands and have a cheeky smile. i think they were kind of troublesome during their school days, like they would love to prank teachers, they also did well in school. some final details im getting about this person is that they enjoy drinking tea, often wear bandaids because they always end up getting themself hurt some way or another, and they have a very structured face. they enjoy reading and consuming horror related media because it fascinates them. i also picked up some charms for ya (i hope they resonate because ive never done this before): the color pink, maple leaf, mini elephant, and a finch charm.

[bbarican]

february 20, 2024; 10:15 am - searching

hi, tumblr! how is everyone feeling? its another day and that means another chance to have fun and be productive

but to be honest you guys im really tired; for some reason, i get anxious quite a bit over the smallest things, and also the fact na hindi parin ako gumagaling is really bothering me and i hate how may sipin at ubo parin ako, tapos work is all over the place which is weird kasi at the same time parang kinakaya naman

overall, i think my mind and body and heart are all just really overwhelmed and im at a point where im constantly feeling tired kasi nga ang daming nangyayari, ang dami kong iniisip, and i cant keep up with myself anymore and i have no idea how to fix this

but for now, i think ill just take a deep breath, pray, and get on with my day (that rhymes, im such a rapper) cause i have a lot on my plate and i can always rest nalang during my break and later tonight

i still have a lot of other things to journal about kaya ill do that later too pag hindi na ko busy but yeah i hope we all have a super lovely day today, and i hope we all get to rest and not feel overwhelmed

[barbie-gurls-world]

Last night’s dream remix (05 May)

Moved to a place but was anxious about leaving the furballs home, so I tried to put the kitties in carriers/cages. While i was handling Mango, one kitty manages to slip out of the cage.

———

4 & 5 & I were at this newly opened deli (Säntis-esque). 4 was treating us, asked about the deli’s specialties. Told them the goods, can’t recall everything, except for this chocolate rice pudding tart, which i like (apparently I’ve tried it previously). I was enjoying my tart and asked 5 “this is good, no?” and she replied with a straight face, “hmmm, yeah, but they need to improve their line up.” I saved half of the tart for Squag because I felt bad for raising my voice at her.

4, 5, & I sat at this stone ledge, overlooking a view of people having fun outdoors, like a beach or a park. 5 was thinking about her son’s swimming skills and how health should be more accessible for everyone. 4 reminded 5 about something, probably about their health when they were younger.

I walked around the place, saw 2, and she told me that the swimming pool was probably at the other end of the “resort”.

I got home and saw Squag sleeping, gave her half of the tart that I saved.

———

I got in to this newly opened deli (same one i described earlier) and saw this odd section where they were selling cassette tapes. I got a cassette (can’t remember if it’s of one artist or a compilation). Also bought other goods from the deli. Can’t exactly remember why, but things got heated during payment time. Seems like cashier isn’t sure about their cashless modes of payment. Opened the cassette at home and found that its upper corner was measly repaired with tape 🤦🏻‍♀️.

———

Squag was on the phone with mom, and mom was saying that they’d fetch me from work. Was telling them no need to fetch me there since “hindi naman ako nakaluwas.” Realized there that it’s been ages since I saw mom.

[alicenowonderland]

𝓹𝓪(𝓰)𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓪

Two words, 𝓹𝓪𝓰-𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓪 and 𝓹𝓪𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓪. Breathe and rest.

For the past few months I could feel that my mental health status is declining. I could not acknowledge it at first for the reason that I think that it is a sign of a weakness and I cannot show weakness since I am a Mom, I am the first-born child, I am the eldest sister, I am a social worker, and I am a mental health professional worker. I cannot give up. I have a lot of responsibilities in ny shoulder and I have to fight.

But sometimes, the more I hold on, the more I push myself into believing that everything is fine it becomes worst up to the point where I became anxious and stressed over the things that I cannot control anymore.

I get tired. I cannot breathe. It feels like even the air that I am breathing is not for me anymore. I feel like giving up. But God is really good. I prayed and he send people to help me.

I always tell my parents my plans as an assurance that their daughter still has a plan on her life and they would always make me feel their support and love. They always tell me that I should wait and take my time. Really, it is just me who is putting pressure to myself since I saw people at my age or younger than me achieved greater things that I was so blinded by it that I cannot see how far I have reached. Thank you Mommy and Dadi Mey for always making me feel loved, secured and heard.

Myy brother, Karl, he may not give me advices but he is still there to listen and to comfort me. Also, to confront me when I did something off.

I felt suffocated until I got the urge to tell Ate JenyBeth how I really feel. People see me as a happy and jolly person but my thoughts are eating me. Thank you Ate Jen for saving me while I am drowning in my thoughts thinking I am not good enough and I am not worthy since I am always comparing myself to other people’s achievements. Thank you for reminding me that we are all uniquely good and that I am me.

I wanted to rest.

And God gave that to me.

Kim, Ate Ran and I really has a plan to go on a trip to breathe and to take a rest.

But the Lord is good. He knows what I need. He knows what to do. He has plans for me.

A week before our trip, my friends from work asked me to go with them at La Union. Nature healing really works for me. I can breathe and at the same time, I can rest. Even if it is just a day, I coul feel the serenity and the peaceful life I can have and I can choose.

The week after, our trip was pushed through despite of a lot of obstacles due to work schedule. Thank you everyone in the trip, our organizer and coordinator Macoy Adventure, the three couples who are our new friends now, Ate Julie and Kuya Noel, Kay and Ron, and Ate Sienna and Kuya Wil. Thank you so much to my friends who got really the best chemistry of each other, my high scool tropa John Robert, my college best friend Kim Aguilon, my college friend Allen Dela Cruz and my workmate Ate Ran Odango (sorry hindi ko kayo mahanap sa tags huhu).

My two weekends has been fun. A lot of realizations come in and I took my time to realize and acknowledge that: 1) This is just a phase, this will pass through. 2) Acknowledging that something is wrong with me is not a weakness, but a strong will to live and change myself for the better. 3) I have a support system. I am not alone not like what I used to believe. There are people who loves me, supports me and cares for me. ❤️

With all that, I am not ready again to face adulthood together with my role as a mother. I am now ready to breathe again and re-focus my mind towards my goals without looking or comparing myself to others. 💗 Self-love must really comes first in that I can also take care and love the people who is always there for me.

To God Be The Glory! 😇🙏🏻

[leffee]

Alright I feel like I gotta step up my game so here go!

- pepper sometimes steals the boys shirts because they are very comfortable and similar to the boyish style she likes to rock from time to time

- minka has a habit of wandering off so the girls got her a child leash so whenever they go someplace she’ll most likely get lost/separated from them for her safety she’s leashed (they play rock paper scissors to decide who’s in charge of her at the time)

- speaking of wandering vinnie has trouble with that also especially because he’s also easily distracted but Russell didn’t want to do what was done to minka out of embarrassment so he came up with a better solution holding vinnie’s hand.why does this work you may ask? Because once he does vinnie won’t be the one to let go first or ever he loves the attention to much especially since it’s a way to show off that he’s in a relationship in public places

- Zoe simply cannot leave the house without makeup on she feels naked without it everyone has tried to convince her that she’s naturally very pretty but she won’t buy it m. the only one who’s seen her bare face is pepper and she misses that Zoe alot

- Sunil is not a morning mongoose he hates being up early and loves his sleep everyone knows not to (wake the bear so to speak) because of you do you get who pepper calls mr. Cranky all day long ( give him coffee and you get mr. Tolerable lol

- Russell once a year takes his dad to go visit his friends who for a week host a get together in rotation to hang and catch up the dads have fun while the sons babysit them his dad looks forward to it every year and Russell does his best to make him happy because he himself finds it hard to be there for his dad like he should and the guilt from that is something he’s working on fixing

- pennyling tells stories at the library since she’s so good at them she loves it so much and has become a favorite of the children parents often try to hire her for parties and get togethers but she often politely declines because it would put to much on her plate

- minka collects alot of random things she’s gets a little fixated on a thing for a while either because she likes it or thinks she can make art out of it somehow.so she now has alot of random things in general with her for that reason (including her friends fur) “it’s not weird it’s art!” - Minka

- (Touching from the other post) yes vinnie absolutely loves Russell’s body it took him a bit to actually be comfortable with vinnie seeing him in such a vulnerable state but vinnie was very patient and told him he didn’t care how long it took for Russell to do anything in their relationship he was just happy to have someone to give all his love to in fact every chance he gets a hug here, a hug there! here’s vinnie! hugging him ( vinnies used to the quills part at this point)

- sunil speaks Hindi to his parents and Sharukuh but still feels rusty doing it at all he even tried to practice but I tried to get his parents to speak more English for him - side note I do think vinnie can speak Italian because of his mom he just doesn’t use it that often anymore-

- speaking of psycho vinnie he throws an absolute fit if Russell or Sunil have to leave him for a long period of time for any reason crying, screaming, kicking, punching, begging, clinging on for dear life for them to stay he’ll do ANYTHING he can think of ✨side story✨ one time Sunil had a small surgery and vinnie waited for him with so much anxiety when the nurse said that Sunil was able to have visitors vinnie saw his chance and wouldn’t leave him once he made it in the room. He hates hospitals and didn’t like that Sunil was in one. he had to be dragged out kicking and screaming trying to get back in the building. (He did try a few more times to go back but was not successful)

- penny has a hard time seeing leftovers in the fridge because she doesn’t Believe in wasting good food.she is always tempted by them and gets anxious when she sees that they never end up getting eaten.

- sharukuh is super over protective over Sunil he’s also super into cars and learning how to fix them and collecting the ones he thinks are cool. he’s also likes to call vinnie “little buddy”no one knows how it started but vinnie now answers to it. vinnie kinda looks up to him a bit because he does a lot of manly things vinnie wants to learn so naturally

Ok that’s what I have for now I could’ve kept going but it feels so long now haha I hope you like them! Just to clarify I do see them as animals but more ones that act human kinda like in zootopia but they still look like themselves from the show if that makes sense

Other side note sharukuh is not bad to me he does have his own story but he’s not stuck up like in the show he actually met Sunil in college and has been in the group. since him and Sunil do also get together on some of my stories because it’s cute what they have atleast the way I like to see it

Ohh, a big, big number of headcanons is what Leffee likes! And since there's so much delight here to unpack let's start without further ado. And yes, I do have my handy dandy ice coffee with me.

okay, this one is honestly just precious. Can we all just agree that male clothes are more comfortable? Yeah? Good. Plus, it does align with how I imagine Pepper choosing clothes, so yes, basically comfortable T-shirts. I'd imagine she likes Vinnie's the most because they are super stupid, with stupid texts and images and she loves it

look, I- just... *laughs like a dolphin*. So true! She would, wouldn't she? She's on a freaking leash. I honestly don't think she would mind, the not wandering part she would, but not the being on a leash part. Though she would probably be able to escape as soon as whoever is holding that leash is distracted for at least a moment

yup, Vinnie does have a tendency to get lost, doesn't he? I agree. But omg, that solution is just the cutest thing ever! He would see something and start heading into another direction but Russell sees it in time and just quickly catches his hand, like "no". And once he does Vinnie immediately forgets about whatever he was distracted by because he's just this fixated on Russell holding his hand, ep! In fact, his tail starts wagging. Shush, I want a reptile to be able to wag his tail like a dog, is that so wrong ;-;

this is just... yeah, she would feel like it. That also, ironically, humanizes her a bit. Her tendency to care so much about looks I mean. Just adds that extra depth to Zoe. And yes, I absolutely agree that everyone has genuinely tried to convince her that she looks just as great without it. Perhaps Pepper at first was rather teasy about it but seeing how much Zoe actually cares about it she changed her tone completely and was like, "No, Zoe, I really mean it. I'm not kidding this time." On a kinda side note, I do think that at least once the boys had a conversation that went somewhat like this "You know, I sometimes wonder why our girls even wear makeup." "Yeah! I guess they look different wearing it but they look so good without it too." "True, they are all so pretty." In short: they love them and genuinely find them all so pretty. Please, give me that

yeah, I think the "It's a happy, happy, happy world" implanted that headcanon in all of our minds, didn't it? It did in mine at least. Not only that, but I imagine he just needs a lot of sleep to function normally. He's not a morning person (or a mangoose) and neither is he the night owl. He sleep all night long or suffers. And yes, he needs his coffee, I personally see him drinking literally the most bitter shit possible. Not because he likes it all that much, but because it's the only kind of coffee that wakes him up when he's up too early

oh please, this is just too precious. I just find Jerry so endearing, you have no idea how much this headcanon means to me. Also I imagine that Russell's friends just simply adore him as well (I mean, it was kinda shown in the episode so I'm not pulling that out of my ass entirely). In short: yes, great headcanon. I have a feeling I had something else to say here but I can't remember now :[

okay this just such a natural progression of Penny's story telling prowess, I'm genuinely surprised I never thought of that. Yes, she absolutely does. She could earn money from that, just saying ;)

okay, yes. As a person who loves having others' items even if they aren't in general anything extraordinary I so understand her. For example, I have this part of a pen of one of my classmates' from highschool and I take it everywhere. It's like my lucky charm or sth. Yes, she definitely has her friends' fur (and scales), tbh I do think they would be fairly easy to incorporate into art. Then again, I do think she's that kind of monkey who would never actually end up using those and just store these items until the end of time. I don't blame her. That way she can have her friends with her wherever she goes :)

yes, exactly, this boy is so full of love. Listen, he might not be a genius but when it comes to his friends, and especially when it really matters, he will do anything for them. Especially for his love interest that is Russell. It doesn't matter to him how Russell looks, it wouldn't matter if he suddenly lost or gained 20 kilograms (44 pounds), lost a limb or had 3rd degree burns, what matters is that it is Russell's body. I don't always make him unhealthily obsessive but in my mind he's always at least a bit obsessed over others, though to a more healthy degree. And about the quills part, I can't help but combine it with my headcanon that due to his constant falling and tripping his pain tolerance is above average, and with getting used to those quills? He's basically physically invulnerable

ok, not much to add here from me, I'll talk about Sharukh more later but for now let's just say I'm happy he's not an asshole in your version :>. But Vinnie? Yup, that sounds good. Did you take that italian part from my rambles? Anyway, yes. The thing is, I imagine his mother (yes, he calls her mother) knew at least a bit of English. He and his sister on the other hand were still very young when arriving to America so they learned the language much easier. With Vinnie being younger he assimilated it so easily in fact he's pretty much bilingual. But due to italian being his native tongue he still finds it a bit more natural. That's also the reason why he sometimes messes up words in English, especially if they sound similar. In short: they all learned it and since they live in mostly english-speaking country now they rarely use Italian anyway. But it does rub Vinnie the wrong way when he does. He can, he just won't. But sometimes when he forgets words in English he will stop for a second, recall the word he needs in Italian, translate it to English and then he can continue, like this: "Man, I could really drink some... uh..." "It's latte in Italian. And latte means..." "...milk!" Sorry, I always end up writing more about him than anything else, I don't even know Italian!

ah yes, Vinnie but he's fucking unhinged... so I guess just the regular Vinnie. Nah, I'm just kidding :3, anyway, yes yes and once again YES! He's best at his worst, I tell ya. It's so cool too, because anything else he can be or appear so chill abou. There's a fire nearby? Meh. He broke his arm? Happened before will happen again. But one of his friends leaving him or being in any sort of danger whether real or imaginery? He falls apart. He won't even try to stop the tears or any other reactions because they are just too strong, he couldn't if he tried. He'll cry, beg, rip his hair out, you said it all. And if everything else fails he'll just cling to that person. And that side story is just perfect. Small surgery? Sure, yeah, it's still a damn surgery in a damn hospital. He's going to panic and he's going to panic hard. He might as well be more stressed than Sunil at this point. He doesn't sleep, he just paces around and due to stress is so impulsive he won't stop at anthing. He has that feral energy, as you said, he kicks and screams, plus all that frustration combined with adrenaline just gives him extra strenght that seems impossible in his puny body and yet. That's sheer determination, desperation and instability. I mean, we've seen him when Sunil wasn't in the daycare for just one day, he ripped that thing to shreds. Two times actually. What do you think he'd do in any sort of similar situation but one that would go on longer? He's my little destruction and I love him

she's just like me fr fr. Well, kinda. But that feeling of anxiety by seeing leftover food? Now that's another good trait for a character that makes them seem more deep and that's always good

now this the moment when I talk about Sharukh more. It's so cool to see him being nice and mingling with our beloved seven pets/humans or whatever else. Him being overprotective over Sunil is actually so wholesome to see, you know, especially after how we see him act in his episode and that whole bunch of headcanons back in the day that made Sharukh Sunil's brother and made him basically bully Sunil. That was genuinely disheartening and made me really dislike this headcanon.

(tumblr was giving me some weird errors about word limit in one block so that's why there's this weird break here, I will continue directly from where I ended in a new block then)

[...] But as always I fixate on the Vinnie part. Him calling Vinnie "little buddy" is so fucking cute, it was a long time coming for someone to call him that, am I right? He's so- he's so little nnngh *cries*. But come on, that is just precious. I just imagine the whole group gathering somewhere one day and as soon as Sharukh comes he's like "Hi guys, and hello to you, little buddy." Just juust aaaaa *cries again*. See, Sharukh can be nice and even manly! I like him like that. AND Vinnie looking up to him (literally pfpfpf)? Great, just great headcanon overall

Ahh, that was satisfying, but then again when talking about lps isn't? Yeah lmao, I would love to have even more too but I guess that is enough for one post (I mean, it literally told me I reached some word limit). Not enough in general though :D. I'm always up to see more of your thoughts or headcanons, please, you have no idea how happy they make me, I really want to see more. I won't force you to do anything, but also please, please when you're in the mood and have time and want to, send more, they make me so happy. I don't care how long or short the ask is, I want as much as possible.

Alright, that's an actually interesting take, especially since based on all those human-like actions I thought you were talking about them as if they were humans. Nothing wrong with seeing them still as pets just more human-like! In fact, one of the reasons why I primaly imagine them as people is because they can do more like this, but the way you describe it allows that too so I can't complain. Yes, yes it does make sense, don't worry.

I have already talked about Sharukh but as finishing thoughts I'll add this: as long as he's not an asshole I'm happy to see him too. Plus, he calls Vinnie "little buddy", you have already won me over with that because that is just so cute. Not to mention that it also balances the girls-boys ratio. And he's tall! How could you not like him like that! Maybe I do want to kiss him.

[issafterglow]

tranquil - 19th of march

hi !! ummmm okay so to start i only made this blog because

my friends don't use tumblr

i'm trying to avoid bombarding my friends with my pointless ramblings and

someone close to my heart said that if i'm having trouble being vocal about my feelings to other people, either a journal or a blog would be a good tool to utilize so that i don't feel suffocated by my own mind.

ewan ko if i expressed all of that correctly pero that's what i'm here for. to learn how to express my emotions well using a language our colonizers forced upon us :/ kimi! anyway ang dami kong kwento for todays videow since ang dami ring ganap sa life ko lately. i had to enroll for 2nd semester, i started writing again, i went to a beach, and i'm recently trying to get into another book universe.

very hassle ang 2nd semester enrollment namin, i had to wait for weeks para lang makapag enroll because of our stupid school portal. i worried a lot pa na i would spent my whole getaway sa beach worrying about the enrollment kasi yung alis namin for quezon is march 18 then yung last days of enrollment namin is scheduled on march 17-18. march 17 nang tanghali wala parin yung link !!! unfuckingbelievable so nagwoworry na ako kasi, sa 18 aalis kami nang super aga tapos idk how much time it would take pa to arrive at the resort so i was getting anxious but !!!! thankfully nag open yung link around 4 something in the afternoon. i enrolled, finally have a copy of the cor na din BAD NEWS IS: terror profs namin this sem. and this is like legit kasi kinekwentuhan na ako nung kaklase ko from another course about it kaya i had a mental breakdown that same night of march 17. i sort of relapsed, again !!! grabe i was crying my ass off talaga kasi i was thinking the whole time na, uy i have just adjusted from my 1st sem profs, alam ko na galaw nila and then this happened and it looks like this time i have to face scenarios i was trying so hard to avoid for 1st sem. although i am there naman, i am at that part of my life where i want to come out of my comfort zone, hindi ko alam if kaya kong mag commit fully since i'm not exactly at peace with myself just yet. i can already anticipate the amount of relapses i would get. pretty sure mapapahiya ako. and i dont know if i have friends who would still treat me equally if i fuck up over acads so ayun hehehehe uni's so hard. probably new adjustment nanaman for 2nd sem. finals pa namin is birthday ko huhu so ayun. at this point i guess the only thing that i can really do is take the advice of the former students ng prof ko and really devote my life to studying starting now. that's just that. i have to survive and conquer this time.

anyway acads aside,,, life at the beach was fun !!! although we only spent a day and a night out there, it was everything i needed. i forgot my problems for a short while, tapos i made new friends too!! people who are older than me pa ^^ idk if i can still call myself an extrovert pero i swear i love meeting new ppl !!!!! i think i have established a connection with them naman so ayun happy heart nanaman and also new memories agaiiiin :)

very very helpful din yung beach getaway namin for my writer self (wow??? ansaveh) kasi while nasa byahe kami i had time to think about the next step for my story ^^ haddd so much fun with that talaga i love it when i can rack my brain for angsty shit hehehe i have always been anxious about readers' thoughts sa gawa ko when it hasn't even been executed yet. kaya lagi akong nags-stall sa pagsusulat pero ngayon i think i'm gonna push through with this one. it might take a while for me to finish it pero i will get through it. i will. kasi this time i'm only giving a fuck about my opinions alone mwehehehehhehehe. i'm not exactly writing a book but i have been wanting to prove to myself that i can write kahit papano and that i can also touch people's hearts with my words.

speaking of books !!! waaaaah I'M DONE WITH FOLK OF AIR SERIES naiiyak ako why is it so bitin :( i miss jude and cardan fr. di ko muna babasahin yung kay oak kasi wala pa yung 2nd book and i hate cliffhangers !!! so next time !!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I READ NEXT?? i was contemplating between a tjr book or another fantasy book but of course i chose the latter and girllllll I AM LOVING THIS. i'm currently reading shadow and bone tapos grabe akala ko it would be all about fae's lang din and shit so i was hesitant diba pero naurrrr it's like medieval with sci-fi stuff in it grabe i love it !! i love grisha people even though i know so little about it palang pero i am already drawn to the universe !!! saya so much i'm gonna read it tonighttt hehehehhehhe ayun lng !!!!

for the life update, ito lang handog ko for now. mom's going to use the pc na !! wish me luck i hope things work out well in the end.

may the stars align.

[ara-24]

the night you found your way back to me.

earlier that year, i was really going through a rough patch. i've been feeling depressed the past months and acads has just been the ultimate reason for my deteriorating mental health as well as for my poor eating habits because of extreme anxiety on a daily basis. during those days, i can't explain why but you somehow cross my mind from time to time. i've been constantly thinking of where are you now and what have you been up to?

remember that one night late in february? we were both still in college and it was that moment when i realized that it has been a long time since we spoke to each other. kamusta ka na kaya? deep down nararamdaman kong na-miss kita.

after graduating high school, we completely lost touch. kanya-kanyang buhay, kanya-kanyang path na tinahak. even though we were friends on facebook, hindi na rin naman tayo masyadong nakakapag-usap or nakakapag-kamustahan since you were far away from the metro. you decided to go to college in your home town province. i didn't know. i barely see your facebook posts and i even thought it was the end of us, that we'll never get the chance to talk to each other again because we both have moved on to each of our own completely different life than before.

that day, i remember the sky was clear, and you can still feel the breeze of the cold wind although you cnan tell that the weather was already transitioning to summer season. i was with my friends that day and we went to our dear friend's wake. she was one of the few friends that i made when i was still in my freshman year. our circle used to be quite big and that was the only time we got together again as a group of friends. we kind of parted ways na kasi after two years of being in the same block.

after staying there for hours and we already said our goodbyes, we decided to head back to the university together. i was with my current circle of friends when we booked for a grab car. we were all in the car talking about someone when suddenly, my phone lit up and i saw your name on the notification bar. you sent me a message saying: uy kamusta?

a while back, before we decided to head out, i was unconsciously viewing random facebook stories and was just swiping right to left when yours came next and my whole body froze. i was completely surprised that i accidentally viewed your story and worries when i realized that you'll see it. well i thought, i couldn't do anything about it now so i just shrug it off because i thought maybe it wouldn't be something big of a deal to you and that you'll just ignore it. but lo and behold, you messaged me that night and it almost made me want to scream. in my head i was already screaming having no idea of what was happening.

i was completely caught off guard as i wasn't expecting it. it got me very excited yet scared and anxious. the rush of adrenaline came in running into my whole body like fire. i unconsciously said "oh my god" out loud and my friends asked me what happened. i just told them wala lang lol. at that moment, it took me some time before it finally sink in to me and i really just don't know what to say so i just replied: "okay lang hehe" (yes i know, awkward lol).

later that night we were dropped off just outside the campus. it was almost 8 pm and we decided to have dinner around the uni. nagyaya sila kumain sa bandang noval doon sa merong ihawan ng seafood near lopez canteen. sobrang saya lang, tawa lang kami nang tawa noon as if kasama pa namin siya at kumakain with us that night. we ate so much food that we didn't realize how much it cost, can't remember pero ang mahal hahaha. i won't forget that night because it was the last time i got to hang out with my original circle and i think it was the first and the last time i had fun with them. also, it was that night when you found me, again.

it was almost 9 pm when we finished eating. we bid goodbye to each other after that and then went home. i was so tired that i slept right the moment i got home so i didn't get to open and read your replied messages until the next morning when i woke up.

[randombubblethoughts]

Let's Talk About Men

This is a topic that grew on me. I like to talk about it and make silly jokes about relationships, but really, I have lost the desire to be with a man someday. Don't get me wrong, I still get attracted to beautiful, gwapo kaayo nga lalaki, I still do get the butterflies, pero whenever I think of commitment, the kilig suddenly goes with the wind **pfft* and it's replaced by an unexplainable dull feeling like suddenly, ayaw ko pala. Moreso, the idea of having to do the did with them one day in marriage, then getting pregnant, and hearing the sound of a baby crying. Just the thought of it is depressing to me.

I love hearing my girl friends talk about their crushes and I do feel kilig for them but most of the time, it's cringeeeyyy ((the topic lang ha?)) kasi nga, can't relate ako. I actually want to join them and find myself a crush too. It looks so fun pero wala talaga dzai! I support them fully, nakikitili din ako pero honestly, I can't fully relate to them. It's not like I am special or better or something. 'Di ganun 'yon! 'Wag maissue! I actually feel a bit jealous that they are willing to love and submit to a man. I admire them for being brave to welcome a relationship. Grabe sila magmahal. Kaya nga I feel like, something is wrong with me na naman. Is this another trauma response? 'cause if yes, I don't know how to do it all over again.

My selfishness stops me from thinking about a life shared with another person. My goals had always been about me and my parents. I have become an ambitious woman because of my failures. I wanted to get back up in the same place where I once stumbled. I want to prove to people that I am great. Mayabang! I am a people pleaser still pala. I still sometimes place my value on what the world would think of me and I want them to think highly of me as a woman even if that means sacrificing a possibly beautiful life lived and shared with a wonderful man that God has prepared for me. In my defense, kapag nagasawa ka na, hindi mo na maggaawa 'yung mga gusto mong gawin kasi you have to prioritize your family, and right now, I find that difficult to fathom. I still do wonder, why people would settle for a lifelong commitment with a man. Don't they have other dreams that are preferably for singles? 'Yung dreams na mas convenient iachieve 'pag wala kang ibang responsibilities, like pagaabroad for career growth or in my case, gusto ko mag-aral ulit. 'Pag nagasawa ko, paano na diba? What's more interesting is that they seem so happy and complete. I guess I would never understand until it happens to me. Selfish ako no? I know and I am not proud. I sincerely want to change and be able to understand what it means to have a healthy and lasting relationship where two people could wholeheartedly sacrifice their own needs and wants for each other. I want to experience that too, ((I guess or not lol)). That must be nice and I know that it takes submission to make that work and so, I just realized na that's where I am struggling or where I will struggle. I want to do more and be more and I am thinking of marriage as a cage that would prevent me from flying. ((I know this is wrong too, I just want to be honest with you))

I want to pursue my studies again because that has become my biggest insecurity. I started school with flying colors all the time. Honor student from grade school - college. It did fly me to the highest places but my fall because of how high I thought of myself was my most embarrassing experience. **Back story** I got caught plagiarizing my second thesis book during my second defense, which became a huge topic in the university. Of course! It's a ground for expulsion plus, as an artist, it's the worst thing that you could ever be accused of. Worst part? It's not even just an accusation, it's true! I did it. How could I diba? Ang sipag ko magsulat.

Going back, it's my pride again, Lord. I still get anxious and want to be in control, I haven't fully surrendered everything to you pa pala. Will I ever get there? What if hindi pala 'yun ang will mo for me, matatanggap ko ba? Syempre dapat, but I trust my God that you know the desires of my heart and whether that desire is the best for me or not. It's difficult, Father, pero I surrender everything unto your hands. Help me, Panginoon to do the right decisions. Kilala mo naman ako 'tay, shunga ako magdecide. Please guide me. I don't trust myself and I can't trust anyone fully but you.

Honestly, takot pa rin po ako 'tay. I feel so small and useless. I look at myself and I see a failure pero you look at me and still call me your beloved child. I can't believe that I am so valuable to you that you continue to accept me despite my failures and disobedience to you. Ikaw lang Lord and nagbibigay ng kahulugan sa buhay ko. Without you, Lord I am indeed nothing.

I should not be worrying about anything because you are all that I need, Abba. I will not ask for more. Less of me Lord and more of you, Jesus. Thank you for reminding me of why I should be contented. I am so sorry for being greedy, selfish, and proud, and for worrying when I should've known that you hold the key to my future. I shall not fear.

And oh, regarding men pala haha ang layo ko na, ikaw na rin po ang bahala Lord. Basta I am complete in you, okay na po talaga ako. Bring me closer to you po and then to that man, so I could get to know him more. Allow us po sana to be friends muna. Pagtibayin niyo rin po ang loob ko, kasi baka pakitaan lang ako ng motibo e, rumupok na agad. Loooord, ayaw ko na pong magkamali sa pagpili. Please help me discern and make me smarter when it comes to this. I want to recognize him 'pag dumating na siya. I want to understand one day, why I am feeling nothing or I have controlled feelings over any other guy at this very moment. Baka pala kaya ako ganito kasi pinagppray na niya ako. Kaloka siya. Pero, Lord, I will wait on you.

Last request po Lord, sana gwapo. Non-negotiable na po ito, please. Mabango, neat, and he desires only you and then ako next hehe. Ayaw ko na po sana nang may kaagaw. I need peace of mind.

Date Written: 12/09/2022 3:00 AM (aswang yarn?)

[cryanne23]

Dati tuwing may mag aask ano ba gusto kong specialization, lagi kong sinasabi na cardio ang gusto ko because heart is my passion. Cheka then I got to meet ECG tracing interpretation na never ko na ata magegets nung first year at internal medicine subjects na sobrang daming subspecialty nung third year, which made me doubt kung kaya ba talaga ng brain cellz ko magmaganda siz. Hmm. Until now torn pa rin naman ako sa cardio, derma, family medicine, and most recent nga yung ophtha. As much as possible I’d like to keep an open mind kasi gusto kong maenjoy and matuto sa every single rotation that we will have this clerkship year. Sobrang amazing lang ng medicine, theres just so much to learn! And yes, I really love learning, pero I despise studying for the grades with all my heart (cos it makes me super anxious and it takes all the fun out of learning)! So imagine yung fascination ko nung first time akong makanood ng laparoscopic cholecystectomy during our surgery rotation, nung first time akong nagdeliver ng placenta at nag assist sa cesarean delivery during ob rotation, nung first time akong nag assist ng tonsillectomy.. If you are also the type na masaya tuwing may natututunang something new, then I’m pretty sure that you will enjoy taking up medicine! Pero I think what makes medicine a lot less enjoyable is when you happen to end up in such a toxic environment where everyone seems to be sad and angry and miserable. It will surely take a toll on your mental health and your overall quality of life, so it’s really important to choose the right kind of environment that fits your personality. Anyway ang gusto ko lang naman talaga ikwento ay yung first day ko sa IM rotation, sorry sobrang dami na nitong segway. :))

First day palang pero parang gusto ko nang umiyak. Try not to cry challenge po ang pamaskong handog satin for this december, brought to you by IM rotation. Huhu sobrang grateful ko lang kay Guia kasi just when I was about to cry, she handed me candies tapos good luck candies daw yun. Thank you Lord for kind souls 🥺 Imagine night shift kami on our first day. Right after the endorsement, kakarating ko palang pero nag code na agad ang pasyente ko. I also had 17 patients for vital signs monitoring, sobrang grateful lang din kay Karen Joy kasi kinuha na nya yung dalawa kong pasyente. Plus admitting team pa kami so I had to take complete history and physical exam of my patient. We were also assigned paperworks such as course in the ward and discharge summaries during that shift, pero siz idk kung inefficient palang ba ako or di na talaga kaya ng time so we had to do this during our off. Then just few minutes before our 7AM off, may nagcode na namang another pasyente under our team huhu. Right after our 12-hour duty, hindi pa rin uwian kasi meron pang admission conference so we had to stay for three more hours. I was informed that our group will be the presenting group for our first ever adcon this IM rotation, pero I had no idea na ako lang pala mag isa magppresent in front of our consultants, residents, PGIs, and co-clerks??? ??? Pagod na pagod na ako mga mhie. Yung anxiety ko biglang umabot ng moon nung sinabi ng PGI ko na ako lang daw mag isa ko presenter, just few minutes before the adcon. Sobrang asdgjaafahjaagda!!! Legit gusto ko na talaga magpatawas. Anyway huhu after akong mabigyan ng candies ni Guia, sobrang kumalma na ang pechay ko so naitawid naman ang first on the spot gulatan adcon on my first duty this IM rotation ❤️ Hindi rin ako napagalitan ng seniors namin kahit super bano pa ako mag physical exam, pero need ko pa raw magpractice so thats what I’m gonna focus on this weekend.

Praying for more learnings, endurance, proper diskarte and time management, and emotional regulation skillz this month, Father God 🙏🏻

Good luck candies from Guia saved the day 🥰

[funanxioushindi-blog]

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[shelivesbetweenthepages]

may disney parade bukas dito sa office. yung theme ng department namin is little mermaid. so yung napili nilang gaganap na Ariel is hindi available. nagulat na lang ako last time na bigla ako sinali sa meeting and announced na ako na si Ariel. naging super anxious ako kasi di ko naman hilig yung mga ganon (but ofc, i love disney sm) di ko lang talaga trip yung ako ang center of attention. lalo na mermaid yun, e anxious pa din ako sa body ko somehow. di ako comfortable. so i explained it to my supervisors and teammates na i get anxious about it tapos hanap na lang ng iba. kaso sabi daw di na kaya ng iba and kayanin ko na lang daw. medyo unfair on my part kasi di naman nila ako tinanong muna e, bigla na lang akong ginawang main character sa parade. so sobrang scared ako ngayon kasi baka di sakin bagay yung costume and maybe my anxiety can ruin the mood tomorrow. i warned them about it pero ayaw nila makinig. so all i am hoping now is alam nyo na, magpretend. pero di na sila makakaulit sakin sa ganto. nakaka irita lang talaga kasi i was forced into this. i still am facing issues regarding sa pag accept sa body ko so parang yung compliments nila just for me to get along sa parade is not helping. it's corrupt and pressuring. so ayun, good luck sakin bukas. i hope i'll still have fun.

[bbarican]

10:18 pm

today has been really emotional for me

i was sad and anxious and heartbroken the entire morning kasi nabalitaan namin na yung anak ng isang village friend namin (this kid was technically part of my childhood barkada) passed away yesterday; imagine he was just 22 and natulog lang siya nung hapon, umungol daw siya is his sleep, tapos wala na hindi na siya nagising, turns out inatake na siya sa puso out of nowhere - he was a really good kid, and a part of me is glad to know na in his last days, he was really happy and was surrounded by his bestfriends

on the other hand naman, me and my family (our mom's side who we dont see that much) had dinner tonight in makati and it was so fun kasi kumpleto silang magkakapatid and the food in spectrum was good too and the fact na i could just tell that my lola was happy to see everyone just made my heart swell with joy so that was a really nice way to end the day

so yeah, tomorrow, back to studying na for me, and then sa gabi or maybe hapon, we'll visit our friend's wake

please take care you guys

[eye-of-enigmatic-thought]

Finally finished all these Kamal drawings! He was a lot of fun to draw and make up headcanons for!! Sorry for the inconsistent quality of these images, but I hope everyone likes the way I draw him. <:D

Also!! This was getting long but have some headcanons I wrote for him under the cut plus additional information in regards to a VERY BAD mistake I made in regards to the tattoo hc that I only realised was wrong when I was informed about it.  CWs: mild discussion of racism and lgbtphobia.

-He was born on the 5th May 1960, making him 34 by the time Smile For Me -takes place. -Kamal is a transmasculine NB and goes by he/they pronouns. He’s been on T but hasn’t had top surgery. He’s known he was trans since around his mid teens but was only able to start T in his late 20s.

-He’s bisexual, but has a preference to men.

-He’s autistic and stims with hand flaps because I say so lol. He’s very neurotypical-passing, but he deals with hyper empathy and was always very emotional and sensitive. He also had a knack for problem solving and would play with puzzles to help stimulate his mind, puzzles that made use of his hands were his favorite.

-He thinks frogs are cool animals and thinks they’re real neat.

-He can speak and understand Hindi, but is unfortunately not entirely fluent due to mostly using English throughout his life.

-His family were Indian immigrants that settled in New York, where he was born and raised. His family were overall agnostic and atheist, and so weren’t really the religious sort. 

-Due to being a poc and later coming out as bisexual, he unfortunately dealt with a lot of racism and homophobia growing up. Because of this, he found solidarity with some poc and lgbt punk communities and would engage in them, it was also through them he learned he was transmasc and also met his dear friend Wallus.

-His family was for the most part very supportive of Kamal though they didn’t entirely understand him at first, but they overcame their confusion to support their son more. The only things they didn’t support as much were some of his mischievous activities.

-During his punk days he was pretty rebellious and liked getting up to mischief, but never in a way that would hurt anyone. Think a harmless prank here and there and graffitiing some jackass cop’s car, though he’d only ever do them if he was with someone to have each other’s back (*cough cough* Wallus *cough*).

-Despite his mischief he was still the anxious sweetheart we all know and love him for and usually had to have his confidence brought out by friends (hence why he only usually acted mischievous when around friends), as he grew older he began to slowly be able to stand his own ground more. 

-He also always had a strong sense of doing what’s right and helping others (like when he helped everyone out of the Habitat in S4M and how he wanted to help Boris) and would do his best to help others in need. He even acted like a older brother figure to younger punks and was seen as a overall reliable and trustworthy guy. Because why WOULDN’T you trust Kamal?? Like C’MON!!!

-This sense of wanting to help others led him to be a doctor, he chose dentistry as his profession due to the problem solving aspects of it and how it made use of his hands.

-As he grew older his mischievous side subsided a bit, but he still has traces of his old ‘lil shit’ personality. If the right buttons are pushed, his mischievous side can come out like a terrifying wave and he begins to act much more confident and smug than usual. Basically... >:^3

-He’s got tattoos! He has four tattoos all with their different meanings:  -The frog tattoo was the first one he got due to liking frogs and feeling like it fit with his jumpy personality. He also felt connected with the physical transformation frogs go in their life cycle to how he’d eventually want his transition to go.  -The lowercase Lambda symbol was the second one he got. In 1970, Lowercase Lambda was first conceived in as a LGBT symbol by Tom Doerr as the symbol of the New York chapter of the Gay Activists Alliance, becoming associated with the Gay Liberation. Finding solidarity with the symbol, he gained this tattoo.  -The pink lotus and Hindi tattoos were his third and fourth tattoo that he got at the same time. He got them during when he finally started T as a way to ‘tie’ everything that he is and his pride as a Indian transmasc. The idea of a lotus tattoo on the back was actually inspired by a headcanon by @seriously-sarcastic06​! Here’s the post: https://seriously-sarcastic06.tumblr.com/post/631423818054926336/she-uses-scented-markers-so-he-smells-like-lemons

-Kamal was actually pretty scared of having tattoos at first due to how they... hurt to get, even if he thought they were the coolest thing ever and liked how symbolic some could be. So the times he got his tattoos were when he was especially mentally prepared and were pretty spread apart from each other and were usually saved for special occasions. Some reassurance from his friends also helped as well.

-He however, doesn’t have that many piercings, those actually freak him out the most. He really only has his ears pierced lmao.

-Kamal is also chubby and hairy because I say so lol. Soft fuzzy Kamals for all!

And that’s all of my hcs! Now, to address something that I feel is very important after I was informed of it.

You may remember I uploaded some initial sketches of Kamal’s tattoos and how he initially had a Aum symbol on his arm, I have removed the initial sketches from my blog and have removed the Aum symbol as I have been informed that the Aum and other vedic Hindu symbols tend to be tattooed by either ignorant upper caste Hindus or extreme right-wing Hindu supremacists (which is a massive problem in India, with the fascist BJP being one of the two major parties and with Dalits (lowest Hindu caste) and Indians of other faiths being treated horribly). I greatly apologize for this mistake and I will do better, and I’d also ask fellow non-Indians to learn from my mistakes if you ever decide to take inspiration from my work. I would try and explain a bit more on these issues, but I am a outsider and am not the most informed and so will not be able to properly explain it all with the best adequacy, so I highly suggest you look into Indian sources if you want to learn more about this, such as the work and words of B. R. Ambedkar and the Dalit Buddhist movement for a start.

I also decided to settle with ‘paper edits’ rather than a full revamp as at the moment I can’t really draw too much due to how strained my hand is becoming lately, I do hope this is understandable and that the paper edit is enough.

You also may remember from my colouring in videos that I coloured Kamal with more lighter skin, I have now fixed this by colouring with darker browns to make him more his canon skin colour.

If anyone else has other concerns or suggestions, do please try and let me know! Don’t ever be afraid to reach out to me, my DMs are always open and I promise I will do my best to work things out with you.

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 62

Warnings: none

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @ocfairygodmother​

  She stands on the patio area; where terracotta and highly polished stone and faux games of various colours -laid out in intricate patterns- meet rich, luscious green grass. A fussy and cranky Addie lying along on arm and a hand over her eyes; shielding them from the bright, powerful sun as she watches TJ and Millie -supervised by their uncle- entertain themselves on the elaborate wooden playground.  Their exuberant and lively conversation floats on the breeze, accompanied by their giggles and occasional bickering; Millie successfully teaching Saju how to climb the stairs to the slide and slip down it. Less than a hundred feet avail one of the handful of nannies -Diya, an elderly woman who had helped raised both Anil and Saju and speaks both Hindi and Bengali but very little English- keeps a firm on hold on the back of Declan’s shirt as he crouches dangerously low to one of the many ponds; attempting to get a better look at turtles and frogs.

The three of them are settling in well; random tearful moments of missing home and school and their daddy, yet making the best of the situation. Always finding something to do to keep themselves busy and always managing to laugh and smile despite the tremendous changes to their young lives. TJ and Millie are especially adept at accepting new challenges; never struggling with transitions or upsets to their daily routines, simply taking things as they come and ‘rolling with the punches’.  Rarely paying attention to the heavily armed guards that continuously patrol the perimeter and line the roof of the house. Their nerves don’t seem frazzled by the open display of weapons; never asking questions regarding just who these men are and why they’re always watching them.

Tanner is an entirely different story. He’s always struggled with change; becoming incredibly anxious with even the slightest tweak to his usual routine.  Seeking comfort in familiar surroundings and finding it in sights, smells, and sounds. Needing advanced warnings before switching from one activity to the other; a sudden, abrupt change enough to bring on frayed nerves, irritable behaviour, stomach issues, and even tears. He’s easily overwhelmed by new and unfamiliar situations and is easily annoyed by crowds of people and too much noise  or activity going on around him. He loves his version of normalcy; the same faces and voices surrounding him, the comforts of home with his own belongings and the sound and the smell of the ocean. And while he loves his siblings and shares an enormous, powerful bond with his twin brother and doesn’t shy away from playing with the others or sharing in adventures, he’s happiest when left alone; comfortable and content doing the things he loves.

It would be easy to force  him to be more  like brother and sister. To just throw him into sports as opposed to always having his nose stuck in books or engrossed in school work. To be more ‘kid like’  and pursue being a social butterfly instead of secluding himself.  And while they encourage him to at least try and broaden his horizons and to experience new things and attempt to join in the fun that his siblings are having, they refuse to push him out of his comfort zone. Both had had parents that weren’t happy with how they acted or behaved and had been forced into becoming entirely different versions of themselves.  Made to ‘fit in’ by society’s standards instead of being encouraged to be who they were meant to be. And they adamantly refuse to do that to their own children; knowing too well the kind of temporary anguish and long term negative effects that are inflicted when you’re forced to be something and someone you’re not.

He lounges under one of the many trees that form a border around the yard. Using a dozing and complacent Mac as support for his back; bare feet dug into the grass and his knees bent, impossibly thick and heavy hardcover novel resting on his thighs. Those wayward locks of hair falling across his forehead; brow furrowed and eyes narrowed in concentration. A facial expression identical to one she's seen many times in the course of nearly seven years.

Satisfied with the level of safety and security being provided to her other children, Esme moves a whimpering and grumpy Addie to her chest -a hand on the back of her head when the baby immediately nestles her face into her shoulder- and journeys over to where Tanner sits.

“What are you doing, nugget?” she inquires. “You look pretty comfy.”

“Just relaxing,” he replies without looking up. “Reading some.”

“You don’t want to go play with your brother and sister? Maybe go swimming? Or go and see the animals?”  She often wonders if he’s lonely during his frequent moments of solitude.  Unable to stop herself from worrying that he is. That he’s somehow missing out on his childhood even though he’s always expressed just how happy he is doing what he loves, not what others expect him to do.

“No, I’m happy where I am,” Tanner says. “Mac’s keeping me company. Besides. I’m kinda tired today. I did lots yesterday. And the day before. I just want to hang out.”

It’s easy to forget that he’s only five. So well spoken for someone so young; words always coming so easily to him and his tone always low and calm and his face and eyes so serious. Phenomenally intelligent and intuitive. And sensitive to a fault; always worrying about things that are way behind his years. Like his father in so many ways; allowing very few people to get close to him but fiercely protective of those who ‘make the cut’. Loving so deeply and so profoundly. Traits that his father successfully manages to hide from just about everyone, but Tanner is so open and honest about.

“What are you reading?” Esme asks, as she sinks down onto the grass beside him, stretching out her legs and laying Addie along her thighs.

“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.”

She arches an eyebrow. “You’re reading a Harry Potter book?”

Tanner nods.

“You’re five.”

He shrugs.

“Where did you find that?”

“When I was talking to Anil yesterday, I told him that I really like to read. But not little kid books. Older kid books but not too much older. When I woke up this morning, there was a box of books by the bed, with my name written on it. Anil got them for me. All of the Harry Potters. I picked this one ‘cause I like the picture on the front.”

“And you can actually read and understand it?”

“Mom, I’m not stupid.”

“I never said you were stupid. In fact, you’re insanely smart. Almost too smart. But you’re also only five, nugget.  A five year old being able to read that well?”

“You and daddy always read to me, even when I was a baby.  I remember how you guys always made me repeat words, even when I was small. They’re in my brain and I recognize them when I see them and remember them. That’s how my brain works. I know what things say and I know what they mean. Is that weird?”

“Not weird. Just...I don’t know...just...wow.”

“Daddy said next time we’re in town, I can get The Hobbit. And then maybe Lord of the Rings for my birthday.”

“Can you read me some of Harry Potter?”

Tanner frowns. “You think I’m lying? I’m not making it up. I CAN read it.”

“Just humour me. Pick a random page and read me a bit of it, okay?”

“Alright…” he huffs dramatically, then grabs a leaf off the grass to use a bookmark before flipping to a different place in the book. “Now? Start now?”

Esme nods. “Just pick something. Anything”

“Okay…”   one of his fingers rests on the page, the tip slowly following each word. “...it is a strange thing, but when you are dreading something and would give anything to slow down time, it has a ….” he pauses, frowning up at her. “I don’t know how to pronounce that word.”

She peers down at. “Disobliging.”

“...it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.”

Esme’s eyes widen.

“What? What’s wrong, mom? What did I do? Was that wrong?”

“No. It was right. Every word of it. I just...I don’t know...I think maybe daddy and I need to talk about sending you to a different school.”

“One for smart kids? ‘Cause no offence to any of the other kids, but they’re all stupid. I know how to read words like ‘cat’ and ‘dog’ and ‘ball’ and I can write sentences with those words in it. With my eyes closed! I know my full name, my address, my phone number. I even know daddy’s full name and his cell number and when he was born; day, date, and year. I  even know how to tie my own shoes. A lot of those kids don’t do that stuff. Not even TJ knows how. Why can’t I be in a bigger kid class? Where the work is harder?”

“I don’t know if that’s allowed.”

“What? The school doesn’t like smart kids or something? It’s so boring there. I could stay home and you and daddy can teach me. You guys are both smart. You went to college.”

“I don’t think either of us can give you what you really need,” she admits. “Learning wise. But we’ll talk about; daddy and I. Okay?”

Tanner nods, then flips back to the page he’d been engrossed in when she’d interrupted him. “Hermione’s my favourite,” he says. “I read it for her mostly. I don’t care much for Ron or Harry. I think they’re whiners. Who’s your favourite?”

“I don’t have one. I’ve never read them.”

“What?” He looks mortified at the mere suggestion. “You’re how old and you’ve never read Harry Potter? That’s shameful mom. Maybe daddy’s read them.”

“I highly doubt your dad has read Harry Potter. He’s not really into that kind of stuff.”

“Daddy’s into cool guy stuff. Like UFC and football and beating people up.”

“Well he doesn’t necessarily LIKE beating them up. Sometimes he doesn’t have a choice.”

“He kills people sometimes too.”

Esme nods. “Sometimes.”

“Is he going to hell for doing it?” Tanner inquires. “For killing people? Isn’t killing people bad?”

“Most of the time it is.”

“But they deserve it, yeah? The people daddy kills? They deserve it?”

“Why are you talking about this? You’re five.”

“I’m not a dumb little kid. I know what daddy does; I know what his job is. I do hear people talking, you know. I know he gets paid to hurt people. I know he gets money to kill them. I know he’s a mercenary.”

Esme scowls. “How do you even know that word?”

“I hear things. And they stay in my brain. I don’t care, that's what he does. It’s just his job, it’s not who he is. He’s daddy. That’s all that matters. That when he’s with me, he’s just my dad. He only hurts bad people. He wouldn’t hurt me.”

“That’s the last thing he’d ever do. Hurt you.”

“I know. And I know he won’t let anyone else hurt me either. I feel safe when I’m with him. Because he’s big and strong and I know he’d protect me no matter what. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt me.”

“No. He definitely wouldn’t.”

Tanner sighs heavily. “I really hope he’s not dead.”

“What? Why would you even say that?”

“He hasn’t called in two days. Daddy always calls. ALWAYS. Right before bed. But two days and no calls. What if the bad guys got him?”  He draws in a shaky breath as tears well in his eyes. “What if he’s dead and I never get to see him again?”

“Your dad is NOT dead.”

“What if he’s gone and I never get to hug him or his voice again? Or I never get to apologize for all the times I was bad and made him angry.”

“Tanner...oh my goodness…nugget…” she reaches out to brush his hair from his eyes. “Tanner...what in the world goes in that head of yours, baby boy?”

“I don’t  mean to be bad. I don’t make daddy mad. I don’t mean to make him yell sometimes. I don’t mean to make him hate me.”

“Okay, first of all…”  shes gives an appreciative smile to one of the other caregivers that rushes over when she sees Tanner in distress; taking Addie and giving Esme the freedom to scoop the now sobbing five year old into her arms. Cuddling him as she would a baby; across her body with one arm under the back of her legs, the other around his shoulders. “...daddy could never...EVER...hate you. He loves you. More than anything else in the world. He always has and he always will. Just because he gets mad and yells, doesn’t mean he hates you. And how often does he actually get mad and yell?”

“Not much.”

“It takes A LOT to get daddy THAT mad. And even if he does get angry, he still loves you. And it’s really not you he’s upset with. He’s just frustrated more than anything. And sometimes, that frustration isn’t even about you. It’s about him. He’s frustrated with himself. Because he struggles and it makes him sad and angry with himself and unfortunately, it gets taken out on your guys. Or me. Do you remember what I told you? About daddy’s brain?”

Tanner nods. “That it hurts. That it’s sad and in pain.”

“Well he’s working very hard at making his brain better. And the doctor is helping him and I’m helping him. And so are you guys. Because it’s you and your brothers and your sisters that make him the happiest?”

“Can’t he take some medicine to get better?”

“It’s not that easy. But he IS working on it. He works on it every day. And he’s tough and he’s strong but sometimes he needs help. He needs us to help him. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

The five year old nods.

“Daddy always loves you. He could never hate you. He helped make you. You’re part of him. You’re part of his new life; his second chance. There is no way he could ever hate you.  Could you ever hate him?”

“Never,” he sniffles. “I love him too much.”

“Well that’s how he feels about you. And no. He’s not dead.”

“How do you know?”

“I would know. Trust me. He’s just busy, nugget.  He’s got a lot going on. A lot on his mind and a lot to do.”

“He’s too busy to call us?”

“Sometimes he has to go places where he can’t use his phone. Where it’s not safe to call. But he will when he can. But he’s not dead. I promise.”

“I hope you’re right, mommy. ‘Cause I’d miss him. So much. I’d miss his face and his voice and smile and the way he tucks me in. And the way he always teases me about being so short. I get mad when other people do it, but not when daddy does it. It’s funny when daddy does it.”

“Well he makes fun of me for being short, too. I always tell him he's just ridiculously tall and has ridiculously big feet.”

“He DOES have really big feet,” Tanner declares, then giggles. “And his hand is bigger than my whole head, I swear. I bet he could kill someone with one punch. Do you think he could? Do you think he could break the guy at the grocery store in half?”

“What?” Esme laughs. “What guy at the grocery store?”

“The one that touched your bum. That guy with the weird hair and the Mustang. Do you think daddy could break him in half?”

“Well maybe not literally. But he could definitely hurt him pretty bad.”

“Could he kill him?”

“What is this obsession with your dad killing people?”

“I’m just curious. I wanna know how he killed someone with a garden rake. How is that possible?”

“I don’t know,” she says, as she combs her fingers through his hair. “I wasn’t there. I just know he did it. I don’t need the details.”

“And it was two people, yeah? How? I don’t understand it. I’ll have to ask him.”

Esme laughs. “You can ask, but I don’t he’s going to tell you.”

“Because you’ll tell him NOT to tell me.”

“Exactly. You need to know the details. Not with that kind of stuff.” She presses a series of kisses to his forehead, then his tears away with gentle fingertips. “Want some lunch?”

“I could eat. Can we have normal food? Like our normal? I miss our stuff.”

“I’ll see what’s in the kitchen and we’ll go from there.”

“Can I help? I wanna help.  Remember when I used to always help you when it was just me, you, Millie and TJ? When daddy didn’t live with us for a bit? I was little but I still helped.”

“You were a big help,” she praises. “You used to love to fold laundry.”

“And you used to wrap me in the warm towels from the dryer. I liked when you did that. And I used to bring you tissues when you were sad and you would cry. Do you remember that?”

“I do,” she presses a kiss to his cheek. “You were like a knight in shining armour.”

“I slept with you all the time when you were lonely. Because you missed daddy even if you were really mad at him and didn’t want him around.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want him around. I just…”

“I know why he wasn’t there. Why he had to leave. It’s okay, mommy. I don’t blame you. Daddy wasn’t daddy. And it made me sad. I didn’t like him very much. He was really mean. He yelled a lot. Especially at you. I didn’t like it. I wanted to punch him in the face.”

“My little protector.” She kisses his cheek once more, then tousles his hair. “You know too much for someone so small.”

He pouts. “I’m not small.”

“Yes, you are.” She nuzzles the tip of her nose against his temple. “And you always will be to me.”

***

It’s shortly before one in the afternoon when Tyler  arrives; stepping out of the chauffeured car provided by Anil. Eyes surveying  the enormous white stucco ‘Spanish hacienda’ inspired home;  immaculately kept lawns and gardens and an elaborate marble and gold fountain in the middle of the circular interlocking brick driveway. By normal standards, Mahajan’s had been lavish and large; sleek and modern, sparsely furnished and feeling cold and empty. Anil’s is unlike anything he’s ever seen;  the gigantic home somehow welcoming with its turquoise colored front door and matching shutters on every window. The grounds are equally sprawling; everything well maintained and expertly manicured; gardens bursting with various types of flowers in a wide variety of colors. Not the kind of place that you’d expect someone ex military to reside in. Hell, even his own home is far beyond anything he could have ever dreamt about or hoped for. The five million from the IRA making it possible to afford a place like that, and with Anil’s generous initial offer and the constant flow of money going into the bank, he won’t ever have to worry about living expenses ever again. No more lying awake at night wondering how the hell he was going to pay a mortgage and all the bills, never mind how he’d put clothes on his kids’ backs and food in their bellies.

He shrugs a simple black backpack onto his left shoulder, the simple movement causing him to wince to when the fabric of his shirt presses and rubs against his upper arms. The injuries are noticeable now, and far worse than he’d expected them to be; the knees that had pressed into his biceps leaving purple and black bruises that he can feel  right down to the bone. In a futile attempt to spare his kids the sight of the worst of the damage, he’d worn a long sleeve shirt to hide the marks, only to find that even the softest and smoothest of fabrics and the smallest of touches irritate his arms. His right is in a sling; forearm immobile across his chest, the shoulder long popped back into place yet still relatively useless and needing support. And his throat still throbs; rows of visible finger marks  and solid area where a forearm had been placed against his neck in hopes of holding him still or rendering him unconscious.

It’s an all over body ache like   he’s never experienced before; pain that seems to travel right to his very core, settling in and gnawing incessantly. Thankfully the after effects of the drug he’d been injected with have almost disappeared; only hampered by moments of temporary memory loss, confusion, and brief episodes of dizziness.  He’d slept for two days. Only waking long enough to make trips to the bathroom and to get as much liquid into him as possible. No energy for anything beyond that. Battling crushing fatigue and an incessant migraine that saw the need for the curtains to be tightly drawn and all lights and television turned off at all times.

As much as he wants to be in on the action and feel useful  to the team, the fact remains that right now, he’s anything but.  Knee still throbbing and limp much more pronounced, a store bought brace doing little to immobilize it or help alleviate some of the pain. He’s able to use his right hand, but has very limited movement in the shoulder itself, making even the smallest of tasks like dressing himself almost impossible. Deep bruises travel along the small of his back and into both kidney areas; the physician Anil had brought in the day after the attack believing the bruising most likely affects the organs as well. Each piece of damage already done to a broken and tattered body making him the weakest link and forcing him to step back for a couple of days. And for once he’d been relieved at the thought of being benched until the doctor declared him ‘medically fit’ to get back into the thick of things. And when Anil had assured him that the team would be fine without him and told him to take the next forty eight hours to spend with his family, he hadn’t stuck around long enough to question the decision.

One of the armed guards leads him to the backyard, and he can hear the kids before he sees them; their excited chattering, squealing, and giggling accompanied the sound of splashing water and Kyle’s deep, calm voice. And it’s his brother in law that sees him first; giving him a broad smile and a nod in greeting, then whispering something in Millie’s ear as she clings to his neck. Her wet hair sticks to the sides of her face and her forehead when she glances over her shoulder; eyes immediately sparkling and a bright, wide smile spreading across her face.

“Daddy!” She shrieks, and abandons holding onto Kyle’s neck in favour of a frantic doggy paddle that takes her to the nearest ladder.  “Daddy!”

Tyler had promised himself that he couldn’t crack. That he wouldn’t allow his tattered and fragile emotions get the better of him. His kids don’t need to see that; him bursting into tears and having a complete emotional meltdown. But he’d come so close...so fucking close...to never seeing them again. To never hearing their voices or feeling their hugs. To never seeing them grow up. And it’s impossible to completely hold back the desperation and relief; his throat feeling incredibly tight and tears burning his eyes as he manages to drop down to one knee as his daughter comes rushing towards him.

“Daddy!” Millie throws both arms around his neck, body drenched from the pool. “You’re here early! Mommy said you wouldn’t be here for a couple of days! But you’re already here!”

“I was able to get things done early.” Tyler explains. “Thought I’d show up and surprise you guys. What’s going on? You having a good time?”

“There’s lots of stuff to do here. Lots of cool stuff. But I still miss you. I wish you were here to do cool stuff WITH us.”

“I’ve got two days to spend with you guys. We can do all kinds of cool stuff.”

“Two whole days?”

He nods.

“Daddy gets to spend two whole days with us, Tyler,” she says to her younger brother, as he practically shoves her out of the way to get to his father. Another set of arms wrapping his neck; a second wet body pressed up against him.  None of that matters. The dampness of his clothes, the wet hair against his skin, the smell of chlorine. The only thing that matters is the press of those tiny bodies against his, the sound of their voices, and the smiles on their faces and the tears in their eyes.

“What happened?” Millie gingerly touches his shoulder. “You hurt it? Again?”

“Just banged it up a little. I need to keep it in this thing for a couple of days. It’s nothing serious. Hey…” he lays a hand on the back of her head and presses a kiss to her brow. “...it’s okay. Don’t cry. I’m fine. I’m here, right?”

She nods, valiantly holding back a flood of tears as her gentle and curious fingertips trace the bruises on his neck. “A bad guy did this to you?”

“A very bad guy.”

“Did you kill him? ‘Cause he hurt you? Did you kill him?”

“Don’t cry, Millie,” TJ implores, perched upon his dad’s thigh, an arm still around his neck. “Daddy’s fine. He came to visit. That means the bad guy lost. That daddy was stronger and meaner than the other guy was. He’s alive, right? No bad guy’s ever gonna kill daddy. He’s too strong and too smart.”

“Does it hurt?” Her voice cracks as she continues her exploration.

“A little. The other guy looks worse.”

“How come?” TJ asks. “Is he dead? Please tell me he’s dead. ‘Cause that’s what he gets for messing with you.”

“How about we NOT talk about killing people?” Tyler suggests, and accepts the hand that Kyle offers; able to pull himself to his feet without too much or the dizziness setting in.

“You look like you’ve been to war and back again,” Kyle remarks, then hands over Declan’s small yet solid and strong body, wrapped in a towel.

“Feels I’ve been to hell and back.” he admits, and runs a hand over his son’s damp hair and places a long, gentle kiss to his forehead.

“Well if you look like that but you’re here, I take it the other guy is in a body bag.”

Tyler nods in confirmation, then lets TJ and Millie pull him towards the house via the side pockets on his cargos; talking over each other as they prattle on about the home theatre and the playground and the animals and all of the things they can’t wait to show him.

“How close did it come?” Kyle asks. “To you NOT being here?”

“Too close for comfort, that’s for sure. Needed to get away for a couple of days; clear my head. Figured this was the best place to do it.”

“Only place that matters,” Kyle reasons. “Things were starting to get a little tense around here. Wasn’t too bad when you didn’t call the first day, but when you missed the second? I thought my sister was going to have a mental breakdown. Then I see this…” he nods in the direction of Tyler’s injured shoulder. “...they didn’t get a hold of you, did they?”

“I’d look a lot worse if they did. And I definitely wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Tyler...oh my God…” The patio door slams shut behind Esme as she rushes out of the house in her bare feet, and he barely has time to pass Declan to his brother in law before she’s tossing her arms around his neck; her position on edge of the deck making them nearly the same height. Careful not to embrace him too enthusiastically; mindful of the injured shoulder, feeling the press of his immobile forearm against her. “...oh my God…” her hands are in the hair at the back of his head, fingers pressing into his scalp. And he can feel the way her body trembles against his and her tears against the side of her neck, not even trying to hold it in. Audible sobs of relief that have her shaking. And Kyle whisks Millie and TJ away; sparing the kids the sight of their emotionally fragile parents and giving them some sense of privacy. “...I was worried sick about you. Where the hell have you been?”

“It’s a long story.” He manages to hold back in his own tears, but the relief is evident in his voice. “I should have called. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I thought something happened to you. That they got a hold of you. And neither Yaz or Koen or Ovi would tell me anything but I could tell something was wrong. I figured it couldn’t be too bad if they weren’t showing up to tell me you’re dead. Are you okay?   Both hands are still in his hair when she pulls back to look at him. “Jesus Christ, what happened?”

“Not right now, okay?” He rubs the small of her back, then covers her lips with his in a long, slow kiss. “Later. When the kids are in bed. I don’t want them hearing them. I don’t even want YOU hearing it.”

“This goes way beyond someone just jumping you, doesn’t it.”

Tyler nods.

“What the fuck happened?” Gentle fingertips travel over the top of his shoulder and onto the side of his neck. “Never mind that. HOW the fuck did it happen? I don’t understand how someone could get THAT close to you? How…?”

His hand moves to the side of her face and he silences her with another kiss. Longer this time. Deeper. Harder. It’s desperate and it’s needy; fuelled by the realization that he comes so goddamn close to never getting a moment like this again. IF they’d managed to get a hold of him, he would have spent days, weeks, even months, being put through unbelievable agony and torture. Knowing his family was still out there; completely vulnerable without him to protect them. And he knows that Mahajan would have not only  let Esme know that he was still alive, but he would have made sure she knew exactly what was being done to him. With no hope of him ever surviving it.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.”  Her voice is just shy of a whisper as she embraces him tightly, and she presses her lips against the side of his neck. “That you’re okay and you're here and I don't have to worry about you anymore. How long can you say? Overnight?”

“Couple days.”

“That’s more than I thought,” she sniffles. “I’ll take it.”

“It’s okay now,” Tyler places a kiss on her temple. “I’m here. Everything’s okay now,”

“It’s so far from okay. I’M so far from okay. But you’re alive and you’re in one piece and that’s all that matters right now. I was so scared, Tyler. I was so fucking scared.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you, baby. That’s the last thing I wanted. It was out of my control. Believe me when I say that..”

“I do. I do believe you. I just…” she pulls away once again and takes his face in her hands. “...I’m just so happy to see your stupidly handsome face.”

He gives a small chuckle and pecks her lips. “Where’s the baby? And Tanner?”

“They’re both napping.  Tanner had a rough night. He’s having a hard time. And we really need to have a talk about him. About how smart he is. I can’t wrap my head around just HOW smart.”

“We’ll talk about it.”

“Go and see him,” she urges. “He’s in the living room. On the couch. He’s going to be so happy to see you. I’M so happy. And relieved. So fucking relieved.”

“It’s alright, Esme. I’m here.” He kisses her once more, then pulls her tightly against him with his one good arm. “I’m here.”

*****

Tyler spends a half an hour standing at the side of Addie’s crib. Watching her as she sleeps and reaching out to gingerly remove the soother than dangles precariously from her lips. The hand is soft and gentle that he lays against her hair; palm cupping the back of her head, thumb brushing repeatedly over her ear and then along the top of her cheek. And it’s then that he allows the tears to come. In that still, quiet room with the breeze fluttering the curtains and Addie’s tiny body rising and falling with each slow, steady breath. The enormity of what happened...what COULD have happen...finally hitting him. It’s the closest he’s been to death in nearly seven years. Had Farhad been successful at his attempt on the bridge and had Esme NOT been there to save him, his death would have been relatively quick; bleeding out in minutes and likely losing consciousness from shock before that happened. If his assailant had gotten a hold of him, death would have eluded him. At least until Mahajan felt he had learned his lesson.

He almost didn’t get this chance. The opportunity to see his infant daughter again. To see the way those long, dark eyelashes brush against the tops of her cheeks or how those soft, pink lips as if suckling from a bottle. To hear her soft breaths and the little murmurs and sighs. He’d come within minutes...maybe even seconds...of never experiencing her first birthday or seeing her take her first steps or hearing her call him daddy for the first time. It’s a sound -an experience- that always brings tears to his eyes and takes his breath away; the moment each of his children looked at him and smiled and finally knew exactly who he was and what to call him. Nothing on earth can possibly come close to that feeling.

He leaves her to sleep. Pressing the tips of two fingers to his lips before softly placing them against hers, then using a forearm to clear the tears from his face as he leaves the room.  He’d slept for two days yet he’s still so fucking tired; body feeling as if it’s on autopilot, as if he’s simply going trough the motions of living. And while it’s a tremendous relief to be with his family and it was desperately needed, he hates that the sabbatical has been forced upon him. That some fucking asshole hired by Mahajan had not only gotten that close to him, but had been able to inflict the damage he had. It makes Tyler question everything; his confidence, his abilities, his skills. Whether or not he’s reached the end of the line. Forty is considered relatively old and washed up as far as mercenaries are concerned. And even without his underlying health issues, he can’t help but wonder if the attack is a sign that he’s lost his age and it’s time to let go. To leave field work behind him and just concentrate on running things in the background.

Tanner is still fast asleep on the couch; flat on his stomach with both arms wrapped around a throw pillow and a pout curving his lips.  And he groans and grimaces as he kneels alongside his son, combing his fingers through his hair and pushing the wayward locks off his forehead; palm against his cheek, thumb brushing along the slope of his nose. And it isn’t until he leans in to press a kiss to his temple that Tanner stirs; giving a long, almost sad sigh and his eyes opening slightly.

“Daddy?” He breathes.

“Hey,” Tyler gives a soft, comforting smile. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Am I dreaming?”

“No, mate. You’re not dreaming. I’m really here.”

Those big blue eyes slowly widen; tears filling them, lower lip and chin quivering. “Daddy…” it comes out as a choked sob. “...you’re here...you’re okay...I was so worried about you. I was scared you were dead.”

“Well I’m not.” He lays a hand on the back of Tanner’s head and presses his lips to his brow, then his temple as those tiny arms circle his neck. “I’m here. With you.”

“You didn’t call. For two days! It scared me. I got worried. I thought the bad guys got you.”

“I’m sorry, Tanner. I didn’t mean to scare you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do.  Things got a little crazy and I couldn’t get to my phone.  I  am so sorry, mate. You forgive me?”

Tanner nods. “I was dreaming about you.”

“You were? What were you dreaming about?”

“We went to Disney World. Remember how you said we could go when I was old enough? And that we could go on rides together? Do you remember?”

“I remember.”

“That's what it was about. Going there and going on rides. And eating lots of joke food. And watching the fireworks. You let me sit on your shoulders. I like when you let me do that. Maybe we can go soon to Disney World?”

“Maybe. I’d have to talk to your mom about it.”

“You got hurt?”

“A little.”

“The bad people hurt you?”

“Just a bit.”

“What did you do to them? Did you hurt them back?”

Tyler nods.

“Did you kill them?”

“Yeah,” he admits. “I did.”

“Does it make you sad? To kill people?”

“Sometimes, I guess.”

“Why? If they deserve it, why would you be sad?”

“It isn’t an easy thing to do. Even when they do deserve it.”

“Don’t be sad about it, daddy. You kill people so you can come home and see us. That’s why you do it, right?”

Tyler nods, swallowing around the painful lump of emotional sitting in his throat, tears sparkling in his eyes.  Feeling regretful. Ashamed. Embarrassed of the person he’s become and the things he’s resorted to. The damage that his own hands have been able to inflict. The pain. The torture. The death.

“I don’t care if that's what you do,” Tanner continues. “For your job.  I don’t care if you kill people. They're not good people. But YOU are. Only good people help. Only good people fight back. That’s what you always TJ when he fights the bullies at school. You said that good people always stick for people who can’t stick up for themselves. And that’s what you do, right? You help people who can’t do it themselves.”

“I guess that’s  part of it. There’s so much more to it, though.”

“I don’t care what you have to do. Just as long as you come back. That’s all that matters. I don’t care what you have to do when you’re gone. As long as you’re daddy when you come home.”

He sniffles loudly and wipes away the tears that manage to escape. “You…” he presses a kiss to Tanner’s forehead. “...are way too pure and perfect for this world, you know that? This world doesn’t deserve someone like you.”

“Did you get to say? Overnight?”

“I get to stay for TWO nights.”

His entire face brightens. “Really?”

“Really,” Tyler confirms.

“We can do things together?”

“Yup. But I just gotta be careful with my shoulder. And my knee. It’s kinda messed up too.”

“Maybe you’re getting too old to fight the bad people.”

Tyler frowns. “Excuse you? How old do you think I am?”

“Uncle Koen said you used to ride a dinosaur to school.”

“He did, did he?”

Tanner nods.

“Remind me to flush the toilet the next Uncle Koen is in the shower.”

Tanner giggles. “That’s savage, daddy.”

“You want to come outside with me? So I can’t spend some time with everyone? Wanna show me the animals?”

Tanner nods enthusiastically, then tightens his hold around his father’s neck when he tries to stand. “I love you, daddy. I’m sorry for the times I made you mad and I made you yell. That you hated me.”

“Mate, I could never…ever...hate you. You’re my son. I helped your mom make you. No way I could ever hate you. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way. For ever yelling at you. I shouldn’t do that. You forgive me?”

“Of course I do. You’re my dad.”

“I love you, Tanner,” Tyler wraps an around his son’s tiny frame and draws him tightly into him; eyes closed and his chin resting on the top of the five year old’s head. “You have no idea how much.”