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If anything, I still wish to rekindle our friendship. I know it would also depend on him, but I sincerely still care for him.

The longer I prayed for my dreams, the more it dawned on me that he wasn’t part of what I was dreaming for. It hurt because in truth I have loved him. It hurt that somewhere along the lines that he and I must part. I still wish that we didn’t have to part the way we did, but I suppose our parting was the consequence of my (in)action. I cannot wash my hands from all that has transpired. Maybe he and I are not the best for each other, and I have to accept it. He is still an important part of my life, and I still wish him the best.

This isn’t a one-time, spur of the moment realisation. I recalled how I prayed in that shrine, and with each word i said, the image of him drifted farther from my mind. Why must we endure loss as painful as this at this time and age?

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Lots of weird dream mixes that i want to document!

I haven’t been having good sleep since moving, I guess this is what i should go for first.

Sleep!

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Dream mix

Went out on a “cute” date with a guy. We ate out, ran around, played games. Yes, a cute, teenybopper feeling. Guy is tall, mestizo, someone i haven’t met before.

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thisfeelsnice

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I swear, I’m going to call my offspring Estel if and when!

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The longer I prayed for my dreams, the more it dawned on me that he wasn’t part of what I was dreaming for. It hurt because in truth I have loved him. It hurt that somewhere along the lines that he and I must part. I still wish that we didn’t have to part the way we did, but I suppose our parting was the consequence of my (in)action. I cannot wash my hands from all that has transpired. Maybe he and I are not the best for each other, and I have to accept it. He is still an important part of my life, and I still wish him the best.

This isn’t a one-time, spur of the moment realisation. I recalled how I prayed in that shrine, and with each word i said, the image of him drifted farther from my mind. Why must we endure loss as painful as this at this time and age?

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The end of the week and it feels like a lot has transpired. Still crazy that things had to be cancelled because of the intense heat. Still in disbelief about last Wednesday’s events. Still in disbelief that he and I understood differently each other’s position in one another’s lives.

He’s a good guy, generous, kind, sincere, practical. But he could get insecure at times and this results to outbursts or sudden fits of randomly dropping by. I thought I made it clear months ago, but I have seen him as a good friend with his actions. Apparently he and I have have different perspectives on this situationship/pseudo-partnership/i-don’t-even-know-anymore. I’d like to believe he loved me, but recalling his words, perhaps he did love me, and he did objectify me. I was, to him, someone to be spoilt, someone to lavish with gifts, someone to be seen as frail, perhaps. He and I had talked months back and despite the tears, I knew then where I stood in his life. A friend, yes, not a priority. He made it clear he couldn’t commit to me, which I understood, and took in. I couldn’t force him. I didn’t see lately how insecure/jealous he could get when he found out that I began seeing another person. I can still remember how he blindly entered the room, how strong he was (he’s a big guy, and i realised he could’ve thrown me given his size and the adrenaline). I sincerely don’t want to lose a good guy like him in my life, but if I would be causing him destructive habits, then perhaps he and I are better off away from each other.

I have to get my life back on track. Meet people, yes, but the dating fatigue has set in. I need to rest and focus on who and what’s in my life right now.

Let’s hope the coming week is kinder, gentler.

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First time a man barged in my house ready to attack another man. Sounds romantic??? Sounds freaky! Too shit-scared, the man who barged in is much bigger than i am. I know it would be difficult for me to restrain him should he attack. I know he’s hurt that I decided to stop things with him, but this is a bit scary. What if things escalated? I am afraid that he might hurt me or worse, my furballs. I couldn’t shake off the fear that he might do anything to hurt me.

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Let me know if this longing is meant for me. Let me know if this longing is meant to be filled. If you placed this longing within me surely you’ll fill this void. Let me know if this calling is real. Let me know if i should let this go.

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Tiramisu and cafe con leche en BCN

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Bittersweet farewells, beginnings, things in between.

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The 10000th spoon. Why must you be like that.

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Recipe for Happiness

by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

One grand boulevard with trees with one grand cafe in sun with strong black coffee in very small cups.

One not necessarily very beautiful man or woman who loves you.

One fine day.