#fucking problematic just on it's own
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I honestly will scroll by and just Not Learn Things if thats the cost when I see the Destiel meme at this point. And like I know it's not that deep and it's not a big deal and it's got this big "Gay History" aspect for millenials and it's like nostalgic but I honestly feel like I cannot be the only person who does not think of the queerbaiting when they think of Supernatural.
The amount of racism and xenophobia I had to dodge just to watch the first ten seasons of that shitshow gave me genuine trust issues with television. And frankly I don't want that to be the outlet from which I learn important news, ever in my life.
#Void Rambles#I had to quit at ten seasons and I cannot force myself to go back no matter how hard I try#I feel like the gaybaiting has taken such an extreme precedence that people forgot it was also like#fucking problematic just on it's own#and no that doesn't mean don't watch it okay I'm not about that#I'm just saying y'all defend ur right to reclaim your queerbait show to the ends of the Earth#but I never hear a single word about the literal buckets of racism and xenophobia#and frankly that is 100% by design
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The Court of Eilistraee
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The Drow City Imberlur
When the fuck was anyone gonna tell me Ed Greenwood had a youtube channel [x] where he does shockingly well produced lore videos on little tidbits of the Forgotten Realms, straight from his home campaign to the greater rpg community.
Both of these videos related to Eilistraee and non-Lolth sworn drow settlements are a godsend. Visiting Imberlur someday would be a dream come true for my Tav, and I can totally see an astral projection trip into Eilistraee's court when she reaches the climax of her story, similar to how Gale had a one-on-one with Mystra towards the end.
Thank you Ed your little side stories are worth their weight in gold while WotC continues to do nothing with these elements that have been around for literally over 30 years.
#forgotten realms#dnd lore#ed greenwood#eilistraee#seldarine drow#I don't care if the bg3 terms are problematic as fuck they're part of the cultural zeitgeist surrounding FR lore so I might as well use the#honestly non-lolth worshipping drow civilizations should be way more common than WotC implies#between Vhaeraun and Eilistraee plus an increasing trend of Drow living on the surface#and Eilistraee followers having a monthly quota for converting disenfranchised Drow#like they may be scattered and secretive but not super rare like WotC wants to claim#numbers don't lie and since their societies aren't based around ambition and backstabbing their numbers should trend towards growing#moreso than lolth sworn who kinda maintain this equilibrium of enough drow being born to offset the ones who get weeded out#anyway Eilistraee is easily my favorite Forgotten Realms goddess (maybe god in general)#as she seems the least likely to be a fuckwad about it#she offers a decree of how to live a life that doesn't suck and kinda just leaves them to figure it out on their own#intervening when her followers are threatened but that's just the natural thing to want to do#queue#Youtube
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Hey, bestie, we thought having a deeply abused and conditioned child of the evil system become a head of one of its segments without any player input was a slay idea. We should add this yankee superhero pose into the epilogue to ensure that it'll be slay for most of our new 56% functionally literate audience and that no one will question it too hard.
#datv critical#lucanis critical#he has such a fucking obvious character arc it makes me sick they just don't do anything with it and don't allow choices#he is shown as deeply conditioned and reliant on crows for morality compass#he is shown poorly fitting in after the torture and demon giving him a forced but actual spine#spite is genuinely a beneficial influence on him#and him just subduing it to his bidding and becoming first talon feels like something that should be taken as an ending with minimal input#it makes certain sense#but thet just make it a fucking blanket choice without thinking about what it actually means#this game is so deeply afraid of being surface problematic that it jusr horseshoes itself into the worst excesses of dao#“children abused by crows and removed out of their family line by their own family should come back to it#statements dreamt by utterly deranged#veilguard critical#bioware critical
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I watched Lena Dunham's Sharp Stick (2022) with a babe last month. Which I absolutely loved!!!
It's never explicitly acknowledged, but the main character is clearly supposed to be (despite the producers claiming otherwise) in some way neurodivergent. Or something. She's meek and impossibly sexually naive (to the point where me and the girl I watched it with had initially assumed the character was intended to be a child). Apparently they had approached an autism sexuality advocate to work as a consultant for the film before backpeddling.
Trans girls tend to be autistic.
The main character also had a hysterectomy (as did Lena Dunham).
Trans girls tend to be infertile.
She's shown taking estrogen.
Trans girls tend to take estrogen.
She becomes obsessed with porn and begins having one night stands with random men from the internet in hopes of finding validation by proving her sexual desirability.
Trans girls tend to do that shit.
It ends with her realizing and leaning into her impregnation fetish (while getting fucked by the one black guy she knows who had just brought over some 40s and called them homies and also while her black step sister's hands unexpectedly drift in from off screen to hold her because even when she managed to push it off to the last second Lena Dunham is incapable of being chill and normal about race).
Trans girls can't go ten seconds without making the same joke about how if you don't think you can get a trans girl pregnant then you just aren't trying hard enough (and the frequent fetishization of black men in trans and especially neighboring sissy communities can't really be denied).
Also the bartender is played by Tommy Dorfman (a trans woman) with it being her first time playing a character with a girl name.
But I'm not trying to suggest it's intentionally a movie about the tgirl excperience. That would be silly. Really the takeaway should be that (no matter how varied women's lives may be) we (trans women and cis women etc) can still always find common ground and shared excperiences. We're all in this together.
But anyways I was looking at Lena Dunham's Instagram yesterday (I've been off and on again rewatching Girls, so she's stayed on my mind).
One post features the music video she directed starring famed trans girl Hari Nef.
Another post shows that she recently read trans boy Elliot Paige's memoir Paige Boy.
Another post shows a conversation she had with Jon Bernthal (on his podcast) where she explains the word cis to him and talks about having also explained it to her husband (this is the only clip from her appearance on the podcast that she chose to post).
BTW did you know that she was an executive producer for the 2021 show Genera+ion (which I recall featuring a trans boy actor playing a cis boy character who gets a girl pregnant).
Fascinating!
Meanwhile. Ten years earlier. In 2013 (a year into my transition and a year before Time declared that we've reached the trans tipping point) an episode of Girls features a doorman telling one of the titular Girls that "a tranny walked in last time and he was just walking around the floors, but it was nothing." (lmao)
UPDATE: s05e02 features a "did you just assume my pronouns" bit. (in a way that felt reactionary and gross because the theyfab saying it was an absurd hipster barista that the audience isn't intended to sympathize with)
UPDATE UPDATE: s06e02 features the leader of a group for women entrepreneurs saying "For those of you asking on our Facebook if the group is open to trans women: The answer is: We don't know. Okay?" (which I thought was fun)
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: s06e03 (the literal next episode) "I even went to a couple of hookers and one of them had a dick."
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so anyway. headcanon that richie doesn't believe he deserves to be happy, but he makes a concerted effort to live a happy and fulfilling life post derry 2.0 anyway because the kid he used to be still deserves it, and also because all the kids and adults who don't know if it's possible for them or if they deserve it either need to see they can still have it too.
#jack facts#he remains hashtag problematic until the next culture shift because he doesn't apologize or flagellate himself#because he thinks that would not only not make any difference to the negative effects he's had#but it would also directly undermine the parts of being better now that are most important to him#and all the other losers are hashtag problematic too from association with him#but on the other end of things:#his family and friends (and therapist) are so fucking proud of him for looking out for his inner child when he used to hate himself so bad#and also he does have the effect that he actually wants to have#the type of effect that he will almost certainly never see in person#just on those alone few out there who the social consciousness wants to pretend don't exist anymore because It's Better Now#he had a huge negative effect with his shit and he knows it and nothing will ever undo it#but he also saves a few lives. in addition to his own.#oh he matters to me so much...#it#richie tozier#ask to tag#hc
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Imo Jason is “irredeemable” by default because I don’t see what he needs redemption from.
#I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but joining this fandom made me fucking hate the word ‘redemption’#no person I’ve seen who is in love with the concept knows the who what where when why or how it should work in a story#apparently it isn’t just themes and tropes anymore people don’t understand the proper use of the word ‘villain’#kelseethe#also hilarious: Jason should recieve sensitivity training HR style from Bruce ‘I’m the government and children are my cronies’ wayne#if Jasons headstrong/‘answers to no one’ attitude towards vigilantism is what makes people think he's villainous#I hate to be a broken record but the baddie you’re describing is Bruce#nobody thinks he’s a villain for only trusting in his own methods/self and repeatedly isolating himself#and on top of that gaslighting and hurting people around him in attempts to do what HE **thinks** is the right thing#you people always thought *him* heroic not problematic for all these traits#the only difference is Jason isn’t psychologically abusive & controlling#yet he’s still the bad guy just cause he liberally kills folks in the crime business.#l'd argue goth ham war is the b*tman story to remind you of everything that makes Bruce authentically himself#Idk how to tell you that Bruce mentally compromising/crippling his son in a twisted attempt to ‘save him from himself’#is perfectly in line with slitting the same son’s throat because he couldn’t stand to see him avenge his own killer#and yk what a redemption arc could be interesting for someone like Bruce#because he rarely questions or doubts his choices esp wrt Jason. no matter how morally dubious they may be#I think it would be quite fun to witness his extremely restricted worldview be challenged/shattered he deserves that humbling experience
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god that person is soooo full of brain worms or something because like even as a dany lover, i see everything you’re saying about her as great observations based on the text. She’s young, she’s traumatized, of course when she gets over to westeros it’s not going to end as well as she hopes. The only thing I can pray for is that George writes her end better than D&D did because it was atrocious how her most trusted advisors went from being her biggest supporters to acting like “no actually her grief from losing her best friend and two of her dragons who were as much like children to her as anything could be means she’s just as mad as her father”, especially when Tyrion never knew Aerys!! I would love to see her descent into madness, see how all of her losses stack and utterly break her, but the way those two switched up real quick was honestly disgusting to me
YEAH like I think the biggest issue with the show is that she’s surrounded by characters who are pale imitations of their book selves or characters she’s just NOT supposed to be interacting with like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that Tyrion is going to flip sides & it’s probably going to spell her doom, but the Tyrion in the books is in a vastly different, much darker place currently than the Tyrion she met in the show and that’s going impact their dynamic MASSIVELY. Varys is NOT some monarchial marxist aksjdj he’s a mad scientist trying to hand make the perfect king bc he’s seen the destruction caused by bad ones and he thinks he’s Above It All when in reality his traumas as a slave inform his bad behavior just as surely as they inform Melisandre’s. The show doesn’t want to engage with all of that though so Tyrion & Varys just kind of nonsensically flip on her for *checks notes* acting the exact same way she’s been acting for years when they never had a problem with her stupid behavior BEFORE s8.
And i go back and forth on what I think is going to happen but ultimately YEAH i do think george is going to write an ending that is much more fitting and also, despite what the targ nation people insist upon, TRAGIC than what we got. It’s going to hit harder, it’s going to be thematically interesting, it’s not going to be george going for the ~cool~ or wow shocking plot line the way those two idiots did!
But definitely the thing that hit my rage button on that one is this idea that like first of all, dany isn’t somehow mentally ill or that the presence of mental illness is a weakness or moral failing. I don’t know how you even exist on terros without developing something deeply unhinged in your brain, and dany meanwhile has a conga line of trauma and some ancient blood magic and incest cooking in HERS, i don’t think i’m saying anything out of pocket by saying “yeah i think she displays some patterns of behavior that are worrying when you essentially have a pet nuke.” but two it’s also like - ALL of these people are insane!!!! lannister, stark, tully, martell, baratheon, targaryen, greyjoy, on and on, they’ve all lived through at minimum one but some of them several wars that completely upended their lives and killed a lot of their family, and then got thrown into stressful situations that require a much more delicate hand than any of them are capable of. that’s the whole series!!! it’s just a bunch of insane people going “yeah exactly girl let’s do it” and “it” is usually war!!!
#i’m out here dragging ned every fucking day for being a mediocre dad and people read three posts in the anti tag they’re going through to#hate reply to instead of minding their own business and think that means i only talk about dany like that.#how many times have i said theon needs anti psychotics. and he’s my favorite male character after bran!!#it’s just silly!!!!!#baraboypussy#but oh bc i don’t think e can act and she’s too hot and old to play a 14 year old starving teenager that means i’m problematic.#get a job. go outside.#asks
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Look... I get it and actually agree that fiction should be completely alowed to explore dark themes, and theres a real argument for not erasing even harmful fiction just so we can study it and confront those topics. Thats really good!
but also thats not what im gonna accept for an argument against the stupid 30 year old woman writing extensive porn about some kid from my hero academia fucking his dad whos calling me an "anti" and a "puritan" and complaining about censorship bcs I blocked them
because these people are way too fucking dumb to ever understand what Dark Themes in media is actually talking about
which is why talking abt this on tumblr is so fucking stupid cause ppl are pretentious and really think theyre fucking misunderstood geniuses for writing anime fanfiction
#it might seem like this makes no sense but it reminds me of this one time i was complaining abt whitewashing in fanart#and some weirdo came at me about color theory and the hardships of paint mixing and#underpainting and what i mean is a lot of morons in here wear the aesthetics of intelectualism#but are fucking morons who dont know when things apply#idk just thoughts#i think im way too lax abt 'problematic content' actually i just block and call it cringe when its stupid imo but the constant pretentiousn#from ppl making mid fanart and cringe fics is like... dude just own it man this is self indulgent at best#just like most fan content will be chill out
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I'm too old for this 😩
#i've tried to ignore it but fuck#oh god oh no. i can't do pro-ship vs problematic ship discourse again#i“ve fought that battle too many times on twitter#i'd rather bite my tongue out#i'm staying in my own little corner and keeping my mouth shut on it. it just keeps popping up on my dash
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"The division between the two families [the Woodvilles and the Nevilles] and their allies can be seen in the royal charters that they witnessed. Warwick, Rivers and Archbishop Neville of York, while serving as chancellor and afterwards, were fairly constant witnesses to royal charters and consequently often appeared together. This was not, however, the case for other family members and friends. From 1466 to 1469, if Scales or Woodville associates like Sir John Fogge, John Lord Audley or Humphrey Lord Stafford of Southwick witnessed royal charters, then members of the Neville group, such as John Neville, earl of Northumberland, or John Lord Wenlock would not, and vice versa. Discounting the ubiquitous Warwick, Rivers and Archbishop Neville, of the twenty-four charters issued between February 1466 and June 1469, twelve were witnessed by men associated with the Woodvilles, eight by men associated with the Nevilles and two were witnessed by no member of either group beyond the two earls at their heads and the archbishop; only two charters, both from 1466, featured associates of both families.
Such striking segregation of witnesses suggests that something more than simple convenience or availability was at play. [...] The evidence of these witness lists does show the extent of the split between the two groups from early in Edward's [first] reign and of the need for political society to work with that cleavage in the heart of the Yorkist regime."
-Theron Westervelt, "Royal charter witness lists and the politics of the reign of Edward IV"
*This is specifically applicable for Edward IV's first reign; in contrast, the charters in his second reign displayed a great deal of aristocratic and domestic unity and cohesion.
#the woodvilles#edward iv#wars of the roses#richard neville 16th earl of warwick#my post#elizabeth woodville#Obviously I hate the idea of Elizabeth and her family being seen as a social-climbing invasive species who banished the old nobility and#drove Warwick/Richard into rebellion and dominated the government and controlled the king and were responsible for Everything Wrong Ever#but I also dislike the 'revisionist' idea that they were ACTUALLY just passive and powerless bystanders or pawns who kept to their#social “place” (whatever the fuck that means). Frankly speaking this is more of a diminishment than a realistic defense.#the 'Queen's kin' (as they were known at the time) were very visible at court and demonstrably influential and prominent in politics#and as this shows there DOES seem to have been a genuine division/conflict between them and the Nevilles during Edward's first reign#(which DID directly lead to the decline of Neville dominance in England though the maintained honored positions and influence of their own)#Especially since Edward's second reign was entirely void of any such divisions - instead the nobility were united and focused on the King#even Clarence and Gloucester's long and disruptive quarrel over the Warwick inheritance never visibly left its mark on charters#so the Woodville/Neville divide from the 1460s must have been very sharp and divisive indeed#And yes it's safe to say that Elizabeth Woodville was probably involved: whether in her own right or via support of her family - or both -#it's illogical to argue that she was uninvolved (even the supportive Croyland Chronicle writes that Edward was “too greatly influenced”#by her; she and her family worked together across the 1470s; she was the de-facto head in 1483; etc)#Enhanced by the fact that Elizabeth was the first Englishwoman to be crowned queen - meaning that the involvement of her#homeborn family marked the beginning of “a new and largely unprecedented factor in the English power structure” (Laynesmith)#This should be kept in mind when it comes to analyzing contemporary views of them and of Elizabeth's own anomalous position#HOWEVER understanding the complexity of the situation at hand doesn't mean accepting the traditionally vilified depiction of the Woodvilles#Warwick and the Nevilles remained empowered and (at least outwardly) respected by the regime#Whether he was driven by disagreements over foreign policy or jealousy or ambition - the decision to rebel was very much his own#Claiming that the Woodvilles were primarily responsible is ridiculous (and most of the nobility continued to support Edward regardless)#There's also the fact that Warwick took what was probably a basic factional divide and turned it into a misogynistic and classist narrative#of a transgressive “bad” woman who became queen through witchcraft and aggrandized a family of social-climbing “lessers” who replaced#the inherently more deserving old nobility and corrupted the realm - later revived and intensified by Richard III a decade later#ie: We can recognize their genuine division AND question the (false/unfair) problematic narrative around the Woodvilles. Nuance is the key.
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the downside to being a sitcom neighbour sort of person is that when rough things happen and emotionally fuck u up a lil bit, it also sounds completely made up
#bert's dead dad tag#found out today the way my dad told mom he wanted a divorce?#he wrote her a letter and left it on the dining room table for her to find on the morning of her fortieth birthday#who the fuck does that dead father#like that is the sort of thing i would entirely make up if i needed everyone at the table to fuckin hate an npc#and at least one person would go 'you're laying it on a little bit heavy'#i know he did work to become a better person as he got older#which is good because BOY howdy was that man a piece of shit in the early 90s#and we are having Complicated feelings about it tonight and also for the last nine months#something something when i was writing his eulogy i came across an old article discussing something he did in the 90s#YDIP (your dad is problematic)#like yeah this is the sort of thing that would have been vaguely acceptable in the cultural context#but like. still objectively bad. potentially ruining several lives sort of bad.#learned this and then wrote the rest of his eulogy about how he was a great guy and how i'm lucky to have been his son#(which was rough enough on its own because i've never said 'i'm [dad's name]'s son' as many times as i did that trip home)#but like what else do you do? i sent off a message looking for more information#and that information if it comes is just gonna sit with me i guess#sure as hell not telling my sister and this whole thing i've been getting through without really having anyone here for me to talk to#(hence the big fuckoff tag rant. your problem now losers who like clicking the read more button)#so even if i get all the answers i want about this one thing it's not gonna do any good except putting an end to one question#but part of having a dead dad who's been out of the business of forming new memories since you came out is having more questions#answering this one's just gonna add even more questions to the pile#but. got fuckall else to do
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The reason we hate on regulily sm and not other ships is because atp people ship anything so who cares right but regulily is oppressor x oppresed. How are you going to ship a blood purist with the good girl in hp that hated blood purists. You making regulus be lily’s “short bf dyke whatever” is plain weird
listen you’re allowed to hate regulily !!! you’re not seeing me throwing a childish tantrum about it 😭😭but like. these characters are fictional… they do not exist. and like why are you, a regulily hater, on my blog enough to know the characterizations ive given them ?? like what are you genuinely even getting out of that when you could be having fun !!! in fandoms !!! and surround yourself with people who like what you like !! like fandom is supposed to be !!!! how does a whole ass stranger on tumblr.com/dashboard having fun shipping something bother you this much 😭
#and also. im just not of the opinion that lily was a ’good girl’ and why are you trying to dictate how i read into the subtext of her-#character ?#have you ever like. studied litterature or film or art ? you interpret and read between lines to create something new 😭���#<- you learn that shit in HIGH SCHOOL ?#like. it’s called a close reading of the text…..#im not right and you’re not right and everyones allowed their own interpretations 😭😭😭#i personally feel like i should get more hate for tomlily but no. regulily is apparently worse#theyre not REAL PEOPLE !!!#lily was best friends with a blood purist for YEARS knowing how he treated other people#and only ever had a problem with it when snape directed his hatred towars HER#<- girl who’s problematic and flawed and not the saint people made her out to be 😭😭#and also the hate i get is for having the audacity to say that regulus is short / or saying lily is tall lmao#<- which again for the millionth time. regulus isnt short lily is just tall#check your fucking disgusting sexism#anyway !!#asks
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i think that some people have fully lost the plot. maybe i’m just a cupcake, but idk, i personally think that if you want to abolish prison and death penalty and you want rehabilitative justice to exist, you kinda shouldn’t rejoice when people who were in clear need of help and who were victims of abuse in a toxic environment before they became abusers themselves die.
like, i don’t know, but i do think that death is kind of a fucked up thing to wish for people who fucked up if you preach about changing the system, making the world a better place, owning up to your wrongdoings and the harm you’ve caused and becoming a better person, and redemption. whether you like the people or not.
maybe it’s just me, but it does feel hypocritical and makes everything you say about social justice performative at best. but what do i know!
#this just comes from a place of being like. scared of people#it’s scary to think of people who want to decide who deserves rehab and redemption and who doesn’t getting in positions of power#it’s not that different from what we have now tbh but y’know. sounds bad bc it seems to come from people who most days claim to be fair#and i’m not saying they are not within their rights of disliking and feeling repulsed by people who abuse others#they totally are. and i don’t think you even need a ‘problematic’ reason to dislike someone#about the case that’s bringing up these thoughts. i didn’t even like this person anymore. i think he did fucked up things and hadn’t owned u#to those things. which sucks. but i wouldn’t have wanted this outcome bc i’ll always want people to learn and apologize and get better.#but the thing is#but when fairness rehab justice and grace are suddenly thrown out the window when you don’t like someone… well. that’s not any different#than the systems we currently have in the world#again. maybe i’m just too dumb or too delusional. but oh well
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Huge fan of characters that are narcissistic, rude, jaded geniuses who have reached the point in life where theyre just doing whatever interests them at the moment, never worried about fulfilling the rest of their time in life because they’ve immortalized themself and are a huge name among the people of their region
Also love when they have a younger character that sticks like a thorn in their side, but theyre so refreshing and interesting that they cant help but want to dissect and pick their brains so they let them stick around
#this is surprisingly a handful of characters#herta from hsr#sasori from nart#a bit of a stretch but darth maul too?#he isn’t immortal but he cheated death and became part android#the problematic age gap that comes with a character achieving immortality lmfao#its not the grumpy sunshine trope#because the sunshine in this scenario usually has their own baggage#theyre likely just as problematic as the other one but have not lived long enough for the same reputation#the older ones in these scenarios know that and feel the need to watch it happen#honestly throw yuada in there too#no immortality but the same middle aged piece of shit finds a teen with their same problems#i love this toxic shit im dying#rev naruto#rev p4g#THROW FUCKING VALEYNE IN THERE TOO AT THIS POINT
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as a Japanese fan of bsd you’ve hit the nail on the head to why i hate this fandoms tendency to go with the “oh it’s so disrespectful to the authors” bc yea it’s my hatred of Japanese nationalism and its agenda to portray their cultural exports as untouchable…it also feels infantilizing in the sense where they can’t picture asagiri doing transformative critique of his country’s “classics” and they are adopting that very same idolatry of Japan
It's also such a flaccid, insincere interpretation of respect that is itself inherently dehumanizing. There is nothing untouchable, and substituting discernment for fawning is much worse than being superficially disrespectful, especially when the subject of your disrespect cannot possibly perceive it, and the only beneficiaries of your deference are states, institutions, and ideological concepts.
I've noticed people tend to strip agency and conscious commentary from Asagiri too. It is exceptionally infantilizing.
#idk i also just don't get deferring to anyone absent a reason#there is a baseline respect you should show to others' personhood perhaps. if I believe in baseline respect at all.#but this certainly isn't that.#once someone told me that you shouldn't look into the bsd authors because they were problematic and some were imperialists#and this may seem discreet from the respect point. but they also made the respect point in the same convo.#refusing to look too closely in either case lest you experience something resembling discomfort or contradiction or tonal dissonance#but by refusing to look where you think there may be something unpleasant#you are training yourself. to look away. when there is something unpleasant.#you are taking real people and real events and real violence and willfully teaching yourself not to recognize them or their patterns#ensuring they will happen again#i have “passivity is the crucible of subjugation” tattooed on the back of my thigh and i fucking mean it#also like more often than not you're being defensive for a wholly separate reason and you need to meet your own damn needs#before you start crusading for someone you can't even conceptualize as a person rather than a theme#i'm trying not to rant about how wildly unhelpful it is to refuse to engage with the nasty parts of fear and humanity and history#and how quickly abstractions become viciously harmful#but I have some more work to do before I can go to sleep#and i need to sleep. because i do not respect the only beneficiaries of my exhaustion.
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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