#fucked up can mean any number of things
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so what are some of your guys' favorite fucked up queer books/series?
#fucked up can mean any number of things#ive made art for several questionable books over the years and im curious to know if there are any i dont yet know of 🧐#but also just to hear what kind of books will be said in general!#and i really want to do more book fanart this year. so. 📚 this is a book loving zone 📚
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the fact that they made it illegal to make ads louder than programs on tv in 2010 but haven't updated it to apply the same regulation to streaming. who do i have to call.
#jack facts#like do they think we don't notice#i truly do hate it here#i really do think that we should get to a ''you ruined it for everyone'' threshhold with ads at this point tbh#circulating ads should be a need based allowance#below a certain nw you can circulate as many ads as you want provided they follow guidelines#then above a certain nw you get a quota. you can have x number of ads circulating at a time.#and i don't mean distinct different ads that can be put wherever. no. if you have an ad on youtube that counts as one#and if you put the SAME AD on a different platform or tv channel or at the fucking gas station pumps or on a billboard or ANYWHERE#each different instance of the ad counts as another ad in your quota!#& if you have like a 1min skippable + a 30sec unskippable v of the same ad on the same platform. that counts as two. FUCK you.#and then above another nw line. you cannot have ads at all. bye you don't need them they serve no purpose they are just annoyances.#also paying influencers to hawk your shit counts as ads! fuck you!! paid word of mouth is not actual wom that is also an ad! fuck you!!!#oh u want ppl to rec ur product & u don't have any ad spots left?? well sugar you better have a fucking good product then lol :) fuck you#also if a co breaks an ad reg that co and any co it owns/parents can never make another fucking ad ever again in its existence#AND if a ceo breaks an ad reg w one co then disbands it and makes a new co and breaks ad reg w that one#then the CEO or any co they have ANY % ownership or investment in can never make an ad ever again. FUCK you.#charities/nonprofits and sole proprietorships get one (1) appeal to a total ad ban#that's IT!! ENOUGH!!!!! ENOUGH!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#AND ONE MORE THING. ''pay us not to see ads on our platform/app/other thing'' should also be illegal.#''pay us for basic ass functions'' illegal. pay to win. illegal. sale/product announcements in things that are not press. illegal.#creating an ad or listing for something that doesn't exist and only manufacturing it after it is purchased. illegal.#ads that are full screen when a user has not already selected full screen on a video player. illegal.#pop up ads. illegal.#ads with audio on a platform that doesn't. illegal. video ads on a platform that doesn't have video. illegal.#ads w epilepsy triggers. illegal everywhere forever always w out needing to be reported by consumers. cannot be circulated in the 1st place#ads w graphic violence or soundscapes that mimic it. see epilepsy triggers.#ads for things that are not actually consumer products. illegal.#anything else u want to circulate like an ad must go thru other regs to qualify as psa or edu. if it doesn't qualify tough shit get fucked.#[insert gif collage of people talking extensively while wildly gesturing for emphasis here]
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see like the thing with 'carewhumpers' as a concept to me is it just like... i know this is prrrrobably not really how it's meant but something skeeves me out about the idea that kindness or caretaking mixed in with hurting someone can somehow meaningfully complicate or dilute the harm done to the point of making that character no longer a 'whumper' whereas someone doing the same 'bad' things but not ever being gentle or caring for them would just be a straight-out whumper. when like... that's how 90% of irl abuse dynamics work? so i just... don't really get the point, i guess. like to me it implies something about the 'care' provided somehow mitigating or combating the harm done that. i just do not personally appreciate or enjoy.
#gav gab#just thinking out loud#like i don't think that's 'nuance' or 'grey characters' i think that's just an extremely common and typical dynamic of abuse#someone breaking your nose and then cleaning up the blood and tucking you into bed is not less like#violent or abusive or harmful than someone who just stops at breaking your nose yk#and i think that it can successfully be summarized by any number of other ways?#carewhumper is just not useful or meaningful shorthand to me the way caretaker/whumper/whumpee are#it implies that the word 'caretaker' or 'whumper' encompasses 100% of a person's constant behaviour#in a very flattened and simplistic way#please do not come at me about this im not saying this is how everyone means it this is just#how i personally feel about it#due to the way i approach these words#and im not trying to say anyone CANT write about very typical abusive dynamics#im just saying the elements of like. 'good' behaviour or 'kind' treatment#doesn't make the Bad Part any less real or bad#the way that 'carewhumper' being set as a different or distinct thing than 'whumper' implies to me#i just feel insane whenever i see people using the term tbh like this is probably a me thing#a very stupid distinction to get hung up on#but i just. im always like isn't that just a whumper who's nice sometimes#what is the utility of this word if not to imply that#someone being nice sometimes meaningfully combats how cruel they are other times#what part of 'whumper' means they always have to be violent and awful 24/7#and do not take this to mean caretakers are never allowed to fuck up#or do anything wrong or get frustrated#or anything like that but that is like#very distinct from being a whumper of any kind at all#like the idea that a 'whumper' can only be 100% a sadist who means to cause harm and intends to cause harm every time is like#cmon now
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very cool opportunity came up that i am.... unqualified for but might go for anyway. but also i'm super tired and there's a lot happening this week so if i just stayed home wouldn't that be nice... (it would...)
JUST KIDDING in the process of writing tags i decided to stay home
#it is not a once in a lifetime opportunity by any means#probably a once a year opportunity#also we're gonna Ask if it's okay if i am there. like tell the organizers my qualifications and see#but if they say yes then i have to live with their decision 😭#okay i decided i'm doing enough scary things this year and i don't need another one#there is only so much 'i don't know what's going on and i worry i'm being actively unhelpful' that i can tolerate#and frankly i don't want to fuck up In Front Of people i admire#i think i might actually need to increase my tolerance for my own mistakes but that's. let's consider that when i'm rested#that is a separate question from whether i need to increase my number of opportunities for making mistakes. i already have so many
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GRAAAAAAAH MISREPRESENTING DATA DOES NOTHING FOR ANYONE EXCEPT FEED TROLLS WHO ARE TRYIGN TO TAKE OYU IN BAD FAITH ANYWAY OH MY GD
#mild vent#jsut kinda tired of checking sources and seeing time and time again people misrepresent data thats Easily checkable to support their points#u dont need to make up statistics you are literally making things worse for everyone bc now the arguments will be over what the stats REALL#are instead of the core issue u were talking about [insert upsidedown smiley here]#its like across topics too. ive seen so many bold claims linked to sources that when i check them there is 0 mention of that in the documen#or any of the (linked) supporting materials if its an article#this also isnt just about one post or one person or one rb ive been on this for MONTHS at home#i thnk my wife may be sick of me coming up to her and going over and over “this data isnt real” oh mygd#just. if you see something with a crazy stat and there's a source link maybe check it before rebloggin git#honestly even if its not stats related cause the number of times i see ppl rbing posts where OP absolutely would Not agree with them ro wou#be outright violent/aggressive/bigoted/etc abt topics they supposedly ccare abt. . . . . . ..#anyway for that one tho reminder to block the tags of hate groups! yes you will soemtimes miss a post but more importantly u will learn the#dogwhistles sO fucking fast.#anyway. idc if this makes sense its a tag vent and no one can rb anyway and discourse with ur momma if u think im mean for this ig
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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Really really don't get why so many people seem to have this burning hatred for Ukraine where they'll just... bring them up randomly purely to drag them through the mud and it's like... ok... but... do you actually know a single thing about Ukraine or what's been happening there?
Do you for instance remember when a major dam was destroyed by russia causing massive ecological damage?
Like I'm dead serious here, can you tell me a single thing that's happened in Ukraine in the last 2 years? Can you in any way demonstrate any basic understanding of the situation?
Cause if not... why do you think you should have an opinion on it, especially if your opinion is gonna be how awful people getting bombed are?
Just legit bothers me and... even more so bothers me the number of smart and caring people I see doing this. Basically I'm not even trying to be rude here, I'm trying to remind you to pay attention and remember that not everything you read on the internet is true, a tumblr post isn't a source unless they're giving you a reputable source
Cause like me? I can go track you down articles about the Nova Kakhovka dam being destroyed, and I can talk about all the reason why it's pretty clear that russia destroyed it
Can you do the same for me? Can you back up your claim about Ukraine with something concrete?
In many ways I'm not even asking you to support Ukraine, I get we have a limit to how much we can focus on, it's ok if you focus on your cause and I focus on mine and... both of us giving our undivided attention, maybe we both make some small impact on the world
What I'm asking is you don't be an asshole for no reason. You don't need to throw Ukraine under the bus. Don't you think your cause stands up on it's own two feet?
And again I'm not Ukrainian, I don't know as well as someone there, though... I spare you a lot of the stuff that crosses my dash because I don't want to burn people out with horrible stuff, but please understand it's worse than you probably think
So no, not Ukrainian, but I'll tell you why I'm still worth listening to: I've followed this every day since the invasion began. I keep my ear to the ground. I do know a fair bit and again can back what I have to say up
Anyway, my plea is to just not be a dick to people for no reason. The correct number of bombed civilians is zero, that's my stance
#still fucking haunts me the video of this zoo keeper just crying as she films the flooded zoo#and you can just hear all the animals screaming in terror as they slowly drown#and... there... there just wasn't anything anyone could do#the water was coming up too fast... they didn't have time... they didn't have the equipment to move them#it was really only the birds that survived cause they at least could fly away when their enclosures were opened#I really do mean haunt; like... the second I think about it... just kind of gnaws at my insides#and that's just one video of one thing from one event#anyway; to pivot slightly; not that I want to call everything I disagree with russian propaganda#but there's various stuff I can point to and draw a pretty solid line between it and russian propaganda I think#as in; if I popped open sputnik right now I think there's a fair chance I'd find an article on it#...like the biolabs thing; that one I literally did that with and guess who was spreading it? the literal propaganda site#like man... you're smart; you're so brilliant... why on earth are you falling so hook line and sinker for this stuff?#Ukraine ain't your enemy man#where as russia; again I can draw a direct line between them and say... the suffering of the Iranian people#between russia and the election results in Venezuela; to my understanding russia literally has ships off the coast right now#and it's a fact putin congratulated maduro despite there being a number of issues#such as... the total percentages released by the government totaling 109%#listen man; I'm not stupid; I'm susceptible to propaganda too; you think I don't know that?#but I can at least show my work and I can at least explain my motivation and I can at least lay it all bare#maybe I'm wrong... maybe#hard for me to think I am when I see hospitals being bombed... kinda tend to think the people who do that are bad#(and why... why do people keep making it a pissing match instead of saying 'it's bad no matter where it happens'?)#but maybe I'm wrong... at least I can walk you through why I'm coming to the conclusion I am#and just fuck me... all I want is a world where no one's getting blown to bits for the crime of being alive#do you actually have any grasp of geopolitics?#not as in like... this or that theory or some bullshit about why america good; america bad; whatever#I mean can you actually draw a line between things happening around the world and tell me how they relate?#like... can you talk about India in relation to other countries; can you talk about Modi's politics?#(I can't stand Modi and I think I have some pretty good reasons such as his treatment of the Muslim minority; he's a nationalist)#can you talk at all about Turkey; or Armenia and Azerbaijan?
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heartbreak so bad i will fix my sleep schedule over it-
#daisy.txt#no but rly i woke up earlier and went 'fuck this' and went right back to sleep bc idk. crying took it out of me#so now im just gonna fix my sleep schedule which works out for me ig!!!#bc i have an eye appt coming up at the beginning of august and its at a Normal Person Time#so staying up all night and sleeping during the day is. not good#its not good for me in general but like. still#im just like. im mad ig. like this happened back in march and now that things went Worse and he shut me out entirely......... ouchies!#kinda makes me wonder if i should eventually just leave the friend circle completely#it means the number of ppl i regularly talk to will shrink down by a Lot im sure#but like. if i were in their situation id pick him over me any fucking day#i just... i cant help but wonder what other ppl would think.#what would he say? would i become the villain in his story?#or would he tell the truth? that we're two ppl who drifted and then he shut me out out of nowhere?#this man is fucking 30 now and acting like this and im like. if u dont want to be friends then say thattttt ur old enough to not be cringe#abt it like this!!!!! i can handle a 'sorry i dont want to be friends actually' i cannot stand the radio silence !!
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Just canceled all of my future therapy appointments. Big fudgin’ bummer. Did I mention I lost my insurance? Didn’t even find out about that until the day it lapsed. Trying to find a way to fix it now, reapplying and whatnot, but ya know, it’s bureaucracy so who knows how long it’ll take. Just fingers crossed I don’t run out of meds first.
lol it’s underwater 🐠
#ugggghhhhh so sad#like genuinely I think my therapist rocks#he’s the best one I’ve ever had. nice and cool but no BS and just harsh enough to push me#I feel like such a baby for saying it but literally the number one thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to go to therapy#I had to skip my last appointment so I haven’t seen him in weeks#between my mom’s organ transplant and driving back and forth to see her everyday and taking care of my bros aaand super suicidal birthday#I’m just… I’m tired. I want to vent. I just want to spill my guts for an hour and maybe cry a lot#and I can’t do that with anyone else. I know that’s dumb to say#I 100% can’t complain to my family because ya know I gotta be strong and they don’t need me being a burden#and I love my mutuals but I don’t know any of you anywhere well enough to feel comfortable venting#I mean. y’all can vent to me all day. I’ll gladly listen to you talk about yourselves. I’m here for it. I just can’t do it myself 😕#I’m so tired and anxious and I don’t want to really get into the self harm talk but I’ve had some serious self destructive thoughts lately#I don’t know what I’m going to do#I have to believe it’ll get better#because if I don’t believe that then… what’s the point?#also.. I’m really fucking lonely. just to throw that out there. if you can’t tell by my reblogs.#I am like desperately and ravenously lonely and full of longing#and you add that to everything else it’s just the sad little cherry on top…#now I want an ice cream sundae… mmmm….#I need 1000 hugs and to sit with someone and maybe get fucked up and complain and sit in silence and and and blegh#but that’s life. it’ll be… it’ll be whatever it is.#sorry. this is a bit too heavy for this time of morning#I’ve been sick. really bad vertigo and vomiting and I’m just wiped out and sad#but I love you stranger or at least I like you enough to be okay with you reading this#okay be safe#goodbye forever#text
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red vs blue restoration blew such huge chunks im actually mad. like completely enraged. and i wouldnt have it any other way. rest in peace you son of a bitch
#like under the conditions it was made. i can understand why it is the way it is.#but i would genuinely be hard pressed to imagine a way it couldve been worse.#they brought tex back. which is like the number one thing they should have never done under any circumstance. leave the poor woman ALONEEEE#wash had absolutely nothing to do except act like an idiot for no reason and Be Crazy. leave him alone too#carolina showed up just to immediately get her shit kicked in. she doesnt even say a single word to tex so what was the point#and i fucking love tucker so im biased but WHAT!!!!! HOW DO YOU DECIDE TO DO META TUCKER AND FUMBLE HIM THAT HARD!!!!#tucker doesnt get a single line reflecting on Literally Being Tortured for (from his perspective) TEN YEARS????#not a single genuine emotional moment for him???? just gets up and says ''oww that sucked. bow chicka bow wow haha am i right fellas''#the blues got shafted so fucking hard. they barely interact with each other. they get no resolution at all.#wash and tucker didnt even talk. i dont think they were ever even in the same frame. if you wanted me to kill myself you couldve just said#also i havent watched s15-17 since they released and i didnt bother with rvb0 but when did doc die. huh#carolina said something about ''what happened on chorus'' and HUH? did i just miss that completely. what the fuck#also where is donut. he wasnt even in this. im assuming something happened to him that i just dont remember during/after s18 but i miss him#sorry for being so mean lmfao i dont usually like complaining so much but man...........#they didnt even make grimmons canon. smh my head#anyway rvb ended after s13 ❤️ yayyy
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Yet another beautiful day to have the Maxwel tag blocked (can't see half of the posts in the Wendy tags)
#rat rambles#starve posting#maxwell posters have lost any semblance of tolerance from me ages ago Ive yet to meet a maxwell fan who's just like a normal person#and to clarify I actually do like maxwel as I am the number one just some asshole whos in too deep enjoyer#but dear god are ppl just absolutely incapable of being normal abt this man and everyone around him#and even beyond that ppl just do not get this man like please he is indeed interesting but not because of some 'retconed redemption'#like pls we can live in a world where he is not an irridemable monster and is in fact just some guy while also still being a flawed person#like the fact that he is so deeply flawed in ways that he never actually properly adressed and challenged is the interesting thing to me#like look at me. he went through horrible shit he didnt deserve. that didnt inherently make him a better or worse person#it just made him a more miserable person#and he didnt escape because of some change of heart or character development#and afterwards he teamed up with wilson because of necessity#I do think on some level he genuinely cares abt the other survivors and he does have genuine regret for how things turned out#but again those things dont inherently mean he moved past the flaws that got him here it just means he has the ability to recognize that#shit sucks and that he wish none of it happened#its why encore is one of my favorite animations from a character perspective because it shows some juicy charlie and maxwell stuff#mainly it shows both that charlie has not forgiven his ass and is manipulating him and that maxwell is still susceptible to it#which isnt a sigh of them rolling back development it's just a sign that maxwell is easy to manipulate with the right cards#which adds up considering his past and his present very well in my opinion#this is a man whos historically always ran away from his problems and is always on the hunt for a sense of control#and charlie tapped into both that and his ever present guilt#its in fact very unsurprising and not out of place for him to fall for that sort of manipulation#and it also makes for a great set up for the inevitable betrayal from charlie as maxwell is hit by the harsh reality of his situation#and that whole situation would lead to some yummy tasty parallels when charlie inevitably gets betrayed herself (I hope)#the ways charlie and maxwel are so similar yet so different facinates me deeply I love how much charlie doesnt realize shes kinda fucked#I want her to be betrayed so hard and left in the dust with no ground to stand on I want the rug pulled out from under her feet#her composition comes from her confidence in the necessity of her actions and the moral superiority she feels over maxwell#so having her sense of superiority be revoked would make for a super fascinating dynamic as she tries to justify the situation in her head#I wanna see her siral and then maybe change her pronouns idk
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even has much angst about many things but the two they do not have any issues with are 1) being a test tube baby until they were adult-sized and 2) the master having swapped out various organs. and bones. and limbs. for parts that work when theirs got damaged beyond repair. usually without their consent. sometimes without their prior knowledge that he could do so. to be fair, that’s mostly because these things tend to accompany a fair amount of blood loss and unconsciousness.
#like. the things around these might bother them but that these happened to them don’t upset them.#much later in life they can go oh! it was kind of fucked up that my first memories are being put to work in waste disposal rather than. idk.#being a child. but it’s not the loss of being a child part that upsets them because they just. don’t really have a frame of reference for#that? they got plenty of childlike wonder into their system vibing with the doctor they don’t feel like they missed anything.#(and also children are small. and powerless. and even is probably more than a little scared by the idea that they ever could have been more#that then they already are.)#and the organ replacements DID happen without them saying the master could do that but like. its not like he hid it. they’re aware it’s#happening and option B was Death. and not their chosen Death By Master. instead just random Death By Organ Puncturing.#if he didn’t tell them he was doing it they’d probably be more upset about it. which. i mean that information could mean anything.#i could be alluding to anything when i say that. potentially.#could be setting up. any number of conflicts. who’s to say. where was i going with this.#dw oc
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stopping for the night, but I just accidentally started working on my first costume, an upcycle of an old size 4X colorful suit that I never even got to wear, so if I fuck up there’s no harm done. im gonna have to basically reconstruct the ENTIRE goddamn thing. like taking in the sides, chest, shoulders (still keeping the ridiculous shoulder pads tho), arms, and back. like, significantly. AND I’ve gotta cut off half of it to look like this reference that im trying to recreate:
#when I say it’s massive on me I mean MASSIVE#like u could fit two of me in it#and im tiny as fuck now and have to deconstruct AND reconstruct the entire thing pretty much#have I ever done any major alterations on any piece of clothing ever? no#especially a whole ass suit? definitely not#im honestly expecting to fuck it up pretty bad#but I might surprise myself since im taking it slow#since I haven’t been contacted about any bookings yet#so im not putting a deadline on it#if it DOES come out rlly good then I’ll plan a number around it for my first booking#if I can pull this off then I can do ANYTHING#it would be a pretty damn big serve if I can pull this off#and I’ll impress everyone even more#realistically tho it’s probably not gonna be good enough to wear#but I have motivation and a dream. and sometimes that’s good enough
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add “friday night parties” to the list of things I am NOT gonna miss about living in a dorm… I mean noisy neighbors were already on there but this specifically bothers me on so many levels
#see normally I’d just put on my noise cancelling headphones and it’d be whatever but#I am so determined not to fuck up my piercing#and I really don’t wanna tell them to shut up bc it sounds like they’re having fun and I’m in an especially too nice for my own good mood#and! I do genuinely earnestly want them to have fun. I am NOT a hater!! just bc I never got to do any sort of partying and never really#wanted to anyway doesn’t mean I’m gonna project that onto anyone else#but on the other hand friday nights specifically are sacred to me#as the first night of the weekend where I get to sleep in and the first night I don’t have to worry about assignments due the next morning#and also as a kind of religious thing#I don’t really observe shabbat anymore but I never was able to get used to the friday night = party time association#and I don’t particularly want to!! friday nights are for chillin and I like it that way.#anyway all this to say I am trying to enjoy my chill evening and there is NOISE and I’m not gonna do anything about it (at least#until Official Quiet Hours start) but I absolutely will complain#I convinced my mom to get a library card and give me the number so I can read books on libby#(would have gotten one myself but idk if I qualify for one at the library near my school and I’ll be gone in a few months anyway)#and now I am TRYING to read lockwood & co book 1#(yes it is technically a middle grade series. yes I am twenty two years old. if the show is anything to go by it’s a more accurate#portrayal of teenagers than any media I consumed as an actual teen. let me live)#but alas. The Noise#and yeah I know noisy neighbors are not exclusively a dorm thing but I can’t imagine a normal apartment will be nearly this bad#also to be clear this is not a weekly occurrence#I don’t actually think these particular neighbors have given me any issues before#which is part of why I’m feeling so patient with them… probably too patient tbh#I should probably delete this later#probably shouldn’t post it at all but oh well. what’s the point of life if you can’t share every minor annoyance with#a bunch of strangers on the internet?#screams into the void
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#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere#like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness#but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those#people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you#and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me.#I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do.#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all#you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point#where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being#trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point#but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest#hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger.#but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do?#if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am#an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying#over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or#neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end#then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right?#but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable?#I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!!#sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week#In the Vents#ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™#anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted
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i don't miss living near most of my family, tbh, but i DO miss terribly the recovered meth addict uncle.
#he and my aunt are the kindest just like#they have a house (my grandpa's old house) full of kids whose parents are in the system#they always have#my aunt has a cleaning business thay almost exclusively employs folk recovering from addiction or domestic violence or any number of other#things#for which montana just does not provide the resources to deal with#this woman has brittle bone disease and is never not broken in like four different places but you can NOT keep her stationary#she is doing things and she is doing them because she's too fucking full of love to stay still#my dad is also very full of compassion so like it does happen in that family but where for him religion has closed him off from the world#god just means love for my aunt and uncle.#unconditionally#i grew up in the church and ive NEVER seen christianity like that#like for the record i still think theyre wrong lmao and the system they work in is harmful#idk theyre the only people ive ever known who actually prioritize folks' needs over their salvation#and that's really important#it's real missing the members of my family ive more or less lost because i had to fuckin run from the rest of them hours#he's the first person i told abt the tattoo im gonna get for my grandma someday#i have almost no memories of her where she wasn't just wreathed in smoke#even when she said she stopped smoking she never did lmao she was just. an absolute chimney of a woman#anyway she collected v kitsch strawberry things so im gonna get a kinda kitschy botanical halfsleeve at some point thats just#strawberry plants woven through with stylized cigarette smoke#anyway i was like this is probably irreverent af and some family members will NOT like it and he like LAUGHED and grabbed my arm#just like losing his shit#NO YOU HAVE TO
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