#fucked up a perfectly good saint is what happened- now he has anxiety

[quixoticprince]

Kill your heroes 🗡️

At the ripe age of 10

[ppeonppeonhan]

15 people, 15 questions

I was tagged by a new mutual zimmbzon in this fun little getting-to-know-you quiz.

Are you named after anyone?

Real name: Yes, a saint (first) and my grandma (middle).

Tumblr handle: It means "shameless" in Korean. Jungkook of BTS said that word perfectly described V, and it stuck with me -- and not many foreign words do. Plus, it perfectly encompassed the content I share here. 😜

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday, thinking about Night potentially unaliving himself if he reaches his limit with Day's emotional abuse, and Mhok being triggered to remember his sister's death if he witnesses the attempt and tries to stop him. (#LastTwilight) In real life, making myself cry worrying about shit that didn't or might not even happen is my specialty. Anxiety perpetually at 11.

Do you have kids?

Do my parents count?

What sports do you/have you played?

If I were athletically inclined, I'd play soccer, baseball, tennis, volleyball, and hockey. But I am extremely accident prone, and deeply disinterested in anymore ER visits.

Do you use sarcasm?

My best friend gifted me this in college, so...probably.

What's the first thing you notice about people?

Whether or not they feel comfortable around me. It helps me gauge how much of my personality I should show. Am I starting at a 10 or a 2? I know we'll be good friends if I can hit 10 before we part ways.

What is your eye color?

I wish my eye color was violet or that eye color changed based on your emotions. This thought inspired by my recent viewing of both Dungeons & Dragons and the new Percy Jackson Disney series.

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

Love a happy ending, but only if it makes sense and doesn't seem tacked on after a major unresolved conflict. I only do scary if it's a murder mystery, cause it's like solving a puzzle.

Any talents?

I don't panic under pressure. If anything, it's when I excel the most. Which...is probably a trauma response, but whatever. Lol I've also always been good at seeing the potential in people, whether they were famous or a work colleague. Like I can tell when someone is going to excel in life and what they would excel at.

Random example: Jesse Plemons. Who could've predicted him going from dorky Landry in Friday Night Lights to a respected character actor across film & TV? Me. I did. Who could've predicted he would marry Kirsten Dunst and have kids? Nobody. That one was a curveball. Lol I mean, his competition was Josh Hartnett. Be fucking for real.

Where were you born?

On the East Coast.

What are your hobbies?

I work too much to have substantial hobbies, but if I had time, I would do these more: skateboard, write fiction, photography, wander new cities/neighborhoods, make crafts, explore museums, cook new recipes, learn how to play the drums, and learn Korean + Thai + Tagalog.

Do you have any pets?

No, I'm afraid of having to bury them -- and I don't want to clean up poop. Lol But if I could have pets, I'd get a parrot, an iguana, a lot of different fish, and whatever breed of dog Henry Cavill has. For now, I'll stick to my 8 plants. (RIP to the previous 7.)

How tall are you?

Tall enough to reach things for all of my under 5'4" friends -- of which I have many.

What was your favorite subject in school?

Science, but I was very bad at it. Lol I excelled mostly at Math, English, and Spanish.

What is your dream job?

Storytelling in all its forms. But based on my career trajectory, I'd be happy to settle for a marketing job that allows me to craft very subtle product placement in a series or film.

I'm tagging... @my-rose-tinted-glasses, @wanderlust-in-my-soul, @gothicbarbie, @mikuni14, @heretherebedork, @liyazaki, @mooninagust to post their responses, if they haven't already.

But it's TOTALLY optional. Happy motherf*ckin' New Year! 🤸🏿‍♀️

[triptuckers]

Ravkan revolvers - Jesper Fahey

Request: yes “could you do a jesper fahey x reader where when the reader is mad they start yelling in their native tongue and jesper gets all scared and it’s just all fluff!! thanks💞💞” Pairing:  Jesper Fahey x reader Summary:  Jesper breaks your revolver, which results into you yelling at him Warnings: none Word count:  1K A/N: there’s one video of kit on his insta showing off his revolver skills and every time I watch it I'm so fucking impressed I love him so much. thanks for requesting this, enjoy reading!

You should have known something was wrong. Inej and Jesper would normally make quick work of an easy job like the one they had to do today. But when they don’t get back as quickly as you thought they would, you weren’t instantly storming into Kaz’ office demanding an explanation.

Sometimes, jobs just took longer than expected. It didn’t mean anything went wrong. Maybe they had to take a detour on their way back to the Slat to avoid being followed. Maybe they had to wait til they were clear to leave their hiding spot. There was no reason to assume something bad had happened.

Still, you’re worried. You always are. Every time Jesper is out on a job or you’re not partnered up with him, you’re afraid he gets a little too excited when the shooting starts. But he always made his way back to you, no matter what.

When you can’t take the buzzing energy and the laughter of everyone around you, you decide to go up to your own room while you wait for Jesper and Inej to return.

But now that you’re alone in your room, you long for the lively vibe downstairs. Up in your room, there’s nothing to distract you from your thoughts. You’re debating wether or not you should go downstairs again, when a knock on your door catches your attention.

‘Yes?’ you say, trying not to let the anxiety be heard in your voice.

The door opens and Jesper’s familiar face pokes around the door before entering your room. You let out a relieved sigh. You briefly close your eyes and run your hands over your face. 

When you open them again, you notice Jesper is holding one of his hands behind his back and has a very guiltily look on his face. Immediately, you get even more worried.

‘What happened?’ you ask, taking two big steps to get in front of him. ‘Did you get hurt? Are you alright?’

‘What? No I didn’t get hurt.’ says Jesper.

‘Inej?’ you say, moving to walk past him but Jesper stops you.

‘Inej is fine, the job went well.’ he says.

‘Then why do you have that look on your face?’ you say, pointing at him. 

‘Okay, now, don’t get mad.’ says Jesper cautiously. He then slowly moves his hand from behind his back and holds it out to you.

Your revolver is in it. In two pieces. 

‘Jesper!’ you exclaim. ‘Saints, what did you do? I gave you that and you promised me you’d give it back! You screw up one of your own precious revolvers, so I let you borrow mine and you break it? How the hell do you even manage to break it in two?’

‘It was an accident.’ says Jesper.

‘Jes!’ you groan as you take the two pieces of what used to be a perfectly good and functional revolver from his hand. ‘That was one of the last things I had from my home!’ 

You don’t like yelling at him. Hell, you’d prevent it at all costs if you could. But the bottled up worry is coming out all at once. And before you know it, your voice is loud and about halfway through your ranting, you switched to a Ravkan dialect. 

Meanwhile, Jesper’s eyes have widened and he’s taken a few steps back, away from you. 

When you’re finally done, you sigh and close your eyes. You’ve put your hand on your hips and Jesper carefully approaches you.

‘Okay, I understand that you’re mad, given all the yelling and stuff. But I couldn’t understand the words you were saying, so I kind of zoned out.’ he says. ‘You look really hot when you’re mad though.’

You softly shake your head and resist the urge to smile at his words. Jesper always had that effect on you. No matter how tired or mad or stressed you are, Jesper always makes you smile.

‘I was yelling at you that this is one of the few things I have left from my home in Ravka.’ you say, holding up the two pieces of your revolver. ‘I was really fond of it.’ you murmur as you look at the pieces in your hands. 

‘Maybe we can find a Fabrikator who can fix it?’ offers Jesper. ‘I bet Nina knows one here in Ketterdam, she knows where most of the Grisha live in the city.’

‘Yeah, maybe they can fix it.’ you say. You look up at him. ‘I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I’m sorry for yelling at you, I was just worried when you took longer than usual to get back to me.’

‘To be honest, I was trying to come up with a plan on how to tell you I broke your favorite revolver.’ says Jesper. ‘Reminded me why Kaz is the one who always does the planning.’

You roll your eyes but there’s a smile on your lips. ‘I’m glad the revolver is in two pieces instead of you.’ you say and you stand on your toes to kiss his cheek.

‘If they can’t fix this one, maybe I can get you a Zemeni-made revolver, to match mine.’ says Jesper.

‘Let’s see if they can fix mine first.’ you say. ‘But if they can’t, I’d love a Zemeni-made one. I don’t have to steal yours if I want to practice with revolvers other than my own.’

‘You practice with my revolvers?’ says Jesper, placing a hand on his chest and scrunching his face in a fake pained expression.

‘Only because I know you don’t mind when it’s me.’ you say.

‘I never said that.’ says Jesper, holding up his hands in defence. ‘Those revolvers are the best part of my life.’

‘Hmm really?’ you say with a smirk. ‘Thought I was the best part of your life.’

‘Love, you are my life.’ he says. ‘Honestly, I’d be lost if it weren’t for you. The revolvers are just an added extra to make life more enjoyable.’

You smile and stand on your toes to kiss him again. On the lips, this time. 

‘You know, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go downstairs to get something to eat.’ murmurs Jesper against your lips. ‘But I think I'll prefer to stay up here.’ 

‘Let’s stay up here.’ you say, pulling him in for another kiss. Jesper stumbles back to shut the door and you let the parts of your revolver fall to the floor, so you can tangle your fingers in Jesper’s hair.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Marit

[baodurs]

i filled out this super cool button character profile by @extraordinarymage for sabrina! thank you for making this, it was a lot of fun to fill out <3 the bulk of it is under a cut and oh boy is it long !!!

Short, Quick Reference

Name: Sabrina Wiseman

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Love Interest: Kent

Main personality trait: Confidence

Secondary personality trait: Morbidity

Relationship with Nick: Full of love, haunted by unaddressed guilt and frustration. But mostly full of love.

Nickname for Nick: Saint Nick (used sparingly)

Resentful or accepting?: Slightly resentful

Main strategy (interpersonal, insightful, innovative?): Insightful

Ethical or expedient?: Expedient

GENERAL

Name: Sabrina Larkspur Wiseman

Nickname(s): Sab, used by anyone; Sabby, only Nick and Sally; and, of course, Button for Nick.

Birthday: I think I made her an October Libra for the purpose of a template I did months ago, but I’m not sure! No concrete birthday yet, I’m always very slow to nail down details like this.

Age: 20

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Hair color + style: Blonde. A little past shoulder length, sometimes wavy. Usually a middle part. For Aeon, tied back in a bun.

Eye color: Blue, entirely because of the section of Frank O’Hara’s “Meditations in an Emergency” that goes, “My eyes are vague blue, like the sky...”

Height: 5′5

Piercings: Multiple in each ear, but a couple have started to close.

Tattoos: None yet! Sab likes the idea of a tattoo but is worried about finding the perfect design, whether she’d end up hating it, that the pain might be greater than she expects and she’ll look like a baby in front of her tattoo artist. I’d like to think she eventually consults Sally and/or Glitch to come up with an idea that she falls in love with, but I haven’t come up with what that would be!

Clothing style: Mostly solid colors, not a lot of patterns. Nothing super bright, but a fairly varied mix of pastels, neutrals, dark colors, black. Partial to denim skirts and sweater tops. Ankle boots. Likes a good turtleneck. She’s bolder when it comes to formal wear, and especially loves suits. Big fan of silk and satin.

Since she has a pretty accurate face claim, I’ll link some gifsets I’ve rb’d for appearance ref if you are so inclined.

STATS

I’m always adjusting minor things and swapping scenes around, but these are from my most recent Sab run! Most scores hover somewhere around these values.

Personality:

Confidence: 53%

Humor: 5%

Morbidity: 22%

Resentful: 57% | Accepting: 43%

Strategy:

Interpersonal: 12%

Insightful: 50%

Innovative: 10%

Ethical: 43% | Expedient: 57%

KEY DECISIONS:

What is Nick’s nickname and why?: Saint Nick, used very rarely. It’s a joking reference to the time she thought Santa was an evil Ment out to ruin Christmas, and a point about Nick overdoing it with the cheer. “Saint Nick” is usually code for “I know you mean well, but please mind your own business.” Otherwise, she just calls him Nick.

What is their favorite type of cookie (and its name and why?): Salted caramel chocolate chip! No special name.

What was their initial reaction to Sally hugging them, as kids?: She just froze. That could just be me projecting adult Sabrina onto her childhood self; I don’t imagine that she was as uncomfortable around strangers or quite as cautious back then. But that’s what I’ll stick with.

How did they ace the ASE test?: The in-game option she takes is “My entire life has revolved around strategic avoidance,” but the one about being just plain smart also sounds like her. If Sab has the chance to thoroughly (over)prepare for something, she will do it. Her mind blindness also has her constantly (over)analyzing situations. So, hard work and relentless anxiety!

Did they manage to win their first assignment? How?: Yes, by having Sally block the door. I’ve headcanoned some slight differences in how it plays out, which I wrote about in-depth here. To summarize, Sab thinks of blocking the door as a desperate last resort, not a clever loophole, and she pushes back against Rosy’s praise because she wishes she could have done it the “real” way. Rosy goes from being impressed to being annoyed that she’s willfully missing the point.

What was the primary emotion Button felt during the Aeon bombing (love, gratitude, etc?): Guilt. She feels very guilty about how much Nick has given up for her in general, but I think that in the moment, it’s on a smaller scale. The fact that Nick was on the phone with her when it happened, coming to her rescue like always, becomes emblematic of their whole relationship for her, and she really fixates on that.

Who drove them home from the hospital from and why?: Glitch. Sab responds to her initial text with “Are you sure?”, and is relieved when Glitch takes that as “Yes, please.” She doesn’t relish the idea of being around someone more connected to her family or Nick at that point.

How do they feel about Nick riding around in their mind?: Worried, at first. Just because it’s so unknown and absolutely insane. After seeing Doctor Amari, she’s excited! Sab is thrilled to be a Pollard Five and intends to take full advantage of it. I am not looking forward to seeing how she reacts when that’s taken away from her.

Why did Button agree to do the undercover mission?: To prove she still deserves to be an MIV. Sabrina feels stupid and reckless for putting herself, Nick, and Aeon in this position, but she knows she’s smart, and she hasn’t worked this hard for nothing. She wants to prove what she could do with a normal Pollard Score and make herself too valuable to give up even when she’s back to Zero.

Told Glitch about your mind blindness?: Depends on the playthrough. I’m constantly going back and forth on whether Sab meets Glitch for coffee or wanders the city with Nick in her second chapter 5 slot (after trying to track down Kent). If she does meet Glitch, though, she absolutely tells her; with how touchy Sab is about privacy, she couldn’t stomach not warning Glitch that Nick could hear everything they said.

Figured out K’s secret?: Nope. She finds enough of the clues to be given the “I knew it!” option in-game, but she didn’t actually put it together. Sab is too angry and embarrassed by learning that Kent is an AMO to find any reason to interrogate it. “The random guy I met before school just happens to be a jerk” is a perfectly sound explanation to her.

Found Noh’s clues?: Not at the metro station. Sometimes she sees the Vengeance brooms in chapter 5 (again, depending on the playthrough), but that’s it.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP:

Love Interest: Kent

Why them?: Sab feels an immediate kinship with Kent after learning about the NPO program. It’s kind of funny how quickly he moves from the least sympathetic position in her eyes (Ment who got past me and read my mind without my knowledge) to the most sympathetic (non-powered child of a prominent family aiming a league above where he “belongs”). A lot of new respect for his competence. Her fate is sealed when she realizes that his kindness at the hospital wasn’t him trying to make up for some wrongdoing, but just him being very sweet. (She had scoffed over “You needed help.” But now she’s like, “Oh. He meant that?! Fuck.”)

As they spend more time together, Sab realizes how weirdly similar they are in other ways, too. And she starts to feel safe/secure around him in a way that she’s extremely not used to. Growing up surrounded by Ments, Sab has a lot of issues about being too much, too difficult, needing to “be worthy” of love. So someone like Kent who is not a Ment, who has no “obligation” to care about her, and whose judgement she trusts implicitly? Being around him and being loved by him mean a lot, and I think will go a long way towards helping her reflect on her other relationships!

What are their first impressions of each other?: Okay, there are like 3 first impressions with Kent. First: he’s tall and handsome and secretly adorable, and they have similar career goals, so she’s drafting a five-month plan to woo him and get his number. Second: he’s a lying, self-obsessed loser who owes her many explanations. Third: oh no, the first impression was true! And he’s been continually, selflessly kind to her in spite of her overt hostility. Scratch the five-month plan, because the crush was only fun when it was entirely superficial; now she really, really likes him and that just sucks.

We know that Button makes a good impression on K by stopping for their dogs, but apart from that... I mean, the “we confused each other” from chapter 7 is very apt. Sab has lots of shifting personas, and Kent sees pretty much every one within 24 hours. The prevailing impression before everything gets cleared up is probably just that she cares a lot? About everything? Her stopping for the dogs, how seriously she takes the first assignment, the way she seems so deeply affected by something he said or did that morning. It’s a rare side of her to meet first because she usually pretends to be above everything.

What feature does your Button find most attractive in their RO (ex. appearance, personality, etc.)?: Probably his composure. And his... steadfastness? The way he seems unruffled by anything, his soothing presence. She really admires that about him and finds the calm contagious.

What do they do to spend time together?: Going on drives together! Kent driving while Sab plays songs she thinks he’ll like, talking or not talking. Cuddling on the couch while reading their own separate books. Museum dates. Walking the dogs together.

Do they argue? How do they handle arguments and disagreements? How do they make up?: I imagine that the first month or so of their relationship would be difficult, just because they’re both bad at expressing themselves and not used to relying on other people. Kent kind of negates a lot of Sab’s impulses to get defensive or hostile, so instead of arguments, I think there are more likely to be awkward periods where she’s just stewing in something without addressing it. Most of their fights would be, like, one of them becoming really distant for a concerning number of days until the other tries to awkwardly check in on them.

What does their future look like?: Uhh some random lore: I think eventually they do get married, despite neither of them caring that much about it. Sabrina would be excited to have something to plan, and she knows it would make the people around her happy. They have a long engagement; there’s never really an “official” proposal, just an acknowledgement that yeah, they’ll get married one day, and then eventually they get rings. The engagement is almost Sab’s favorite part, honestly. She likes planning and showing off her ring and calling Kent her fiancé, a lot of fanfare on her part for a wedding that ends up being very modest and chill.

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS (Feel free to go in depth!)

Relationship with Nick: When I first started developing Sab, I thought that with as difficult/prickly as she can be, her relationship with Nick would be worse than it is. Never bad, but certainly strained, with more jealousy/resentment on her side. However, she rejected this. She is resentful, but never towards Nick—she internalizes the negative parts of their relationship so they manifest as guilt instead. And that’s the problem, not resentment. Sab thinks he’s overprotective, but that doesn’t make her angry; it just makes her sad. She wishes things were different and he didn’t feel so responsible for her, but she also doesn’t know how she could manage without him taking on so many of her burdens. So, guilt! So much love, but always looming guilt.

Having Nick in her head has helped. It’s added a new kind of guilt (“I’m a horrible person for being so giddy that people can’t hear my thoughts even though that requires my brother to be in a coma”), but getting inside Nick’s head for once and really feeling his love for her changes things. Makes her feel way more secure, I guess? It’s easier to see her brother as human person, a friend who loves her, rather than a perfect selfless paragon who sacrificed everything to raise her, which is an important shift.

There are also Things happening with self-presentation in the fact that they’re both models, and flirts, and pretend to be shallow. And the ways that they’ve responded to vastly different expectations. And selflessness versus selfishness. But I have no idea how to talk about that yet.

Relationship with Father: Strained and distant. Sabrina doesn’t necessarily blame him for leaving, but she hates how he’s handled it. She’s incredibly frustrated that John insists on keeping them in this miserable limbo of uncomfortable visits, even though moving away was (to her) a tacit acknowledgement that she and her parents are better off without each other. He’s trying to force a relationship that Sab thinks is ultimately harmful for everyone involved. For Nick’s sake, she’s willing to grin and bear the visits, but it never works because John can obviously tell it’s an act. He pushes her, she gets defensive, and so on to infinity.

Relationship with Mother: Like with John, Sab doesn’t resent Hope for the incident itself, or for leaving afterward. It was terrifying, and the idea of being around Hope makes her panic—but she thinks of that as just another irrational anxiety symptom, and she’s trying to work through it. What she does resent Hope for is letting it get to that point at all. Sab is incredibly bitter that Hope will suffer silently to the point of almost killing her (during the incident) and potentially herself (with the BRS), while Sab has no choice but to be completely open. Especially because they’re so similar in that way—she’s almost jealous. “Oh, so your silence is allowed to almost kill me and it’s ‘nobody’s fault’ but I can’t pretend to enjoy a single lunch with Dad without him calling me out for lying?”

And even though she doesn’t hold the incident itself against her, Sab is very hung up on “Why are you never quiet? Why are you always there?” She knows, on some level, that this was not a Personal Judgement against her. But because Hope keeps so much quiet, this is the only honest expression of her mother’s feelings that she can remember! It would take a lot for Sab to believe that Hope was really, genuinely interested in reconnecting with her, rather than just pretending to love her "enough” this time because to do otherwise would reflect poorly on Hope as a mother.

Relationship with Sally: Besties <3 Sally is the only member of the Wiseman inner circle that Sab doesn’t have complicated feelings about. They both have hidden morbid streaks that they bring out in each other, and can laugh about. They both have competitive streaks that work well together because they’re always on the same team. And their wants/needs from the relationship complement each other well, I think. Sally has always felt valued because she’s useful and not because she’s loved, while Sab has always felt smothered by love/care without feeling like she genuinely adds value to other people’s lives. So it means a lot to both of them that they’re able to help each other practically, while also genuinely loving and supporting each other outside of that.

Relationship with Gray: Full of trust and genuine care, but predicated on distance. Sab loves him a lot for being so careful not to cross any boundaries, physical or emotional, with her. She’s grateful that he’s there for Nick in a way that she doesn’t feel she can be. But "I like Gray because he doesn’t push me and is good to Nick” means that any hand he extend makes her defensive, because she’ll either view him as an emissary of Nick or start to panic because their normal routine is being disrupted (she doesn’t tell him about Hope in ch 3, for example).

They get along very well in a friend-of-a-friend sort of way, and bond over being cautious counterparts to Nick. Also, Sab never had a crush on Gray, but she is not immune to tall superhero and thinks it’s fun to fake flirt with him. (You know Isabela’s “You have pretty eyes” routine from DA2? Sab does that to Gray when conversations steer towards things she’d rather not talk about.)

Relationship with Glitch: I’m really excited about these two! They click from the start, and Sabrina feels immediately comfortable around Glitch, which makes her feel distinctly uncomfortable whenever she catches herself. Externally, they have pretty different personalities, but they’re both perceptive and... socially manipulative? aware of their self-presentation?... in ways that they both pick up on right away. So it’s a lot of conversational maneuvering and trying to figure out what the other’s game is, while also genuinely enjoying each other’s company.

Relationship with Kent/Kenna: I could go truly insane here. See the romance section above instead.

Relationship with Kim: Sab wants him to like her sooooo bad. He’s one of the only people to ever really get through to her, re: my headcanon conversation after the first assignment. Authority figures tend to treat her as special, whether that’s negatively because of her mind blindness or positively because she’s such an overachiever. She had no idea how to respond to that not being the case (and didn’t handle it well at first), but chapter 6 solidifies her respect for him.

It also turns Rosy’s opinion of Sab around; he was impressed by her in class but left his office thinking she was self-absorbed and naive. But the bombing is a reality check, and her response is very measured and practical in a way that surprises him.

Relationship with Lev: She doesn’t mind the comparisons to Nick or the “maybe one day they’ll fix you” comments as much as you might think. They aren’t her favorite, but she prefers that sort of thing to the inspirational platitudes belied by coddling that she got from her family growing up. Sab has fond memories of Lev and is grateful that he’s always been kind to her, but doesn’t have any particular feelings apart from that.

Relationship with Clarence: Holds a grudge against him for causing a scene, making her late, and generally being a jerk. But she can’t fault him for being right, after what happened! Mostly she just wants to avoid him, but she’ll be thrilled to lord her success over him if/when she proves herself.

Relationship with Dean Branham: Like Rosy, another authority figure that Sab desperately wants to impress. But without the personal investment she has in Rosy’s validation, more “Oh, this person is in charge, so I should make her like me!” Despite Nick’s and Rosy’s reservations, Sabrina doesn’t really have a problem with being “strongarmed” or manipulated into cooperating; for now, she figures Branham was just doing her job and respects her tactics.

Relationship/attitude towards Ments in general: Mostly just uncomfortable and wary around them. Sab doesn’t want her mind read, and she figures that no Ment wants to be forced to read it either. So she has a pretty strict “no Ments” rule for close personal relationships (excluding Nick, Sally, and Gray, of course. But only Nick really counts because he’s the only one who can hear her thoughts whenever she’s nearby). Not out of hatred or resentment, just because she knows it will be easier for everyone in the long run.

Do they have any other important relationships, past or present? (Relatives, friends, etc.?): Not many, but yes! Sab dated around a lot in the 2 years before Aeon (more like year and a half, because she completely shut it down once she was more focused on preparing for the MIV program), but there are 2 relationships that were formative/important for her. A high school sweetheart, and someone Sab met through modeling. She doesn’t keep up with her high school ex, but the model is her best friend outside of Sally and Nick, and they still keep in touch! I’m still developing them/the relationships, and I’ll probably post more about them someday. They’re fun!

PERSONAL BIO

Describe their personality: Confusing and contradictory. She has two main modes that confuse people who meet both (e.g., Kent). She’s either cold, stuck-up, and sometimes hostile, OR she’s charming, frivolous, and sometimes flirty. Mode 1 is tense but stoic and inexpressive; mode 2 is seemingly relaxed but very posed and insincere. Mode 1 is for when she feels uncertain or has no agenda apart from “get to point B”; mode 2 is for when she’s more comfortable or trying to manipulate someone. Her actual personality is a bit closer to the second, but she doesn’t pretend not take things seriously or hide when she’s annoyed.

Strengths: Analytical, methodical, detail-oriented. Very driven and hardworking. May not always act like it, but does have social skills/charisma; a great liar, if you can’t read her mind. Unfailingly loyal and loving to her favorite people, so so so warm and affectionate and supportive if she really loves you. Very perceptive.

Weaknesses: Way too proud. Can be petty and vindictive. Self-absorbed (she doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s hard for her to see past herself sometimes). Stubborn, hates being wrong. And... emotional isn’t the word, but strong negative emotions can really cloud her judgement. It ties into her being proud, petty, and stubborn; if she’s really upset about something, she can cling to that emotion instead of re-evaluating it or moving forward.

Phobias: From this ask about the phobias that are planned to show up in-game, there are a few that I could see fitting Sab, but I want to wait to see how they’re implemented before I fully commit. Which is very metagame-y, I know (and I am very metagame-y about IF), but “fear of X” is so broad that it really does depend on when/how it manifests in the text.

That being said, agoraphobia is almost a lock; crowds do make Sab very anxious if she can’t keep track of everyone within a certain distance, and if she can’t leave when she starts feeling antsy. Claustrophobia is a maybe. The choice that triggers it (in chapter 4, about hating MRI machines) suits Sab, but I’m not sure if she hates MRI machines because she hates tight spaces, or if it’s more related to her general anxiety about hospitals, medical tests, etc. Which she definitely has!

What activities/club did they do in school?: She avoided anything group-oriented as far as possible. She took piano (maybe violin?) lessons and did recitals, but wasn’t in orchestra. The one exception was maybe National Honor Society or some equivalent, which she would have joined for her resume’s sake. And I think she would have tutored!

Where do they escape to when they need space?: A little used library corner, where she can people watch without being seen/heard.

How do they feel about/cope with their mind blindness?: Sab hates it but tries not to dwell on it. She knows that it’s no one’s fault, and she mainly just tries to... minimize it? Drown out her thoughts, limit her contact with Ments. And, least healthily, very rigidly managing herself. Because there’s so much of her that exists outside of herself, without her control, she tries to either filter or completely suppress everything else. Part of why she got into modeling, she can perform and be perfect and have total control over the final product of her body in the photographs for whatever campaign. Some Day This Will Be Better. But definitely not where she is in current canon.

How has your Button changed since the Incident with Hope?: Developed many new anxieties and disorders and syndromes :) She also became way more self-conscious, as in literally conscious of and way more tightly monitoring herself, what she’s thinking, what she’s expressing, how she’s sitting, etc. Less emotive face, more rigid posture.

If they weren’t an Aeon student, what would they be doing?: Sab would have beaten herself up forever if she “proved everyone right” by avoiding Unity/Ments entirely, so she’d want to stay in the family business somehow. She probably would have ended up doing scientific research on mental agility. Maybe even working for Mirrortech or some other biotech company, which I imagine would have been an interesting conversation to have with the family.

RANDOM FACTS:

Zodiac sign: Like I said, I assigned her Libra months ago for the sake of a template. But I don’t know enough about astrology to commit. Libra or Leo, probably.

Hobbies: Music, reading poetry, “cooking” (i.e., sitting on the counter and not helping while Nick makes dinner)

Likes: Watching other people (Nick) play video games, dressing up, taking long showers/baths, dark chocolate with caramel, back hugs

Dislikes: Being patronized, hot weather, going to the doctor, driving, doing anything she is not good at

Type of bedsheets: Bamboo.

Drink of choice: Cucumber mint lemonade! For hot drinks, some kind of caramel coffee. For alcohol, she refuses to get drunk because she’s terrified of having even less control of her mental broadcast, but at home/around people she trusts she’ll have a glass or two of wine. Doesn’t know enough to be picky, but doesn’t like it too sweet.

Favorite food: Probably some pasta dish Nick makes with asparagus and tomatoes and a lot of garlic.

Favorite color: Like a light turquoise!

Favorite music: Music to her was another mind-shielding tactic before anything else, so she tends to like upbeat-ish electronic/pop stuff. Catchy and repetitive, and/or with lots of personality to drown out her own thoughts. On the other end of the spectrum, she does have a soft spot for crackly, lo-fi, old or old-sounding slow songs—something about fuzzy recordings simulating a weak telepathic signal.

Favorite season: Hmm, spring and autumn are both good. She likes either side of winter.

Anything else you’d like to share: My heart and a long, fulfilling marriage, with anyone who reads all this 💍

[atlascas]

DEANCAS FIC REC

(last updated 7/1)

FINALLY. this is like. just a place for me to rec and write excessively abt the fics i've been reading lately. it won't be organized but it WILL be very earnest and i'll keep it updated as i find/remember more. also i have obnoxiously high standards when it comes to fic so these ARE the cream of the crop, if u will. the god tier. the s tier. 

very loosely organized into "newer fic" and "classics." these are subjective categories. do what you will

✨ = new fic on the list

💖 = in my brain rent free!

CURRENTLY READING

these are the fics that i’m currently reading! may or may not get recced. usually i read the first couple paragraphs/lines and if i like the writing it gets bookmarked and put on this list.

lazarus needs a robe of scarlet thread by herrosesneverfall, 90k, canonverse au. dean starts getting stigmata. when i was getting back into spn there were a LOT of religious fics flying around bc that was the Hot Topic of Discussion. this was one of them

Three weeks ago, Dean woke up in a pine box. He thought dealing with the nightmares was going to be the most difficult part of his new life after Hell, but at least they were something he could understand. Something he could deal with. Something he deserved.

Then he began having agonizing visions of crucifixion. Wounds appeared on his body out of nowhere. Wounds that refused to heal and coated his skin with the sickly sweet smell of roses.

Stigmata are said to be the marks of saints, but Dean is not a saint and the wounds are only the beginning.

kingdom come by ahurston, 8.7k, coda to 15x18. cas gets to go home. im gathering all the s15 fix-its to my heart and holding them close

Cas wakes up on the coast of Maine. He makes his way home.

hunger by ellispark, 10.8k, s13 au. dean grieves cas, post s12 finale. perfect writing perfect awful heartwrenching characterization so far on dean’s end especially towards jack. nuanced emotional writing

Dean takes his meal and throws it away, plate and all. He's not hungry. How can he even begin to eat, knowing what he kept from Cas — what he kept from both of them?

They could have had something, and now all Dean has is this gaping, empty hole in his stomach, in his chest, and he has to learn to breathe and eat and move around it.

the law of equivalent exchange by awed_frog, 60.8k, canonverse. cas loving dean in all permutations of humanity, throughout time.

“And what’s the point of it?”

“Of love? There isn’t one. Loving is its own purpose.”

NEWER FIC

“newer” just means “i discovered it in 2020/2021 after coming back to spn fandom” so it very well could have been published before 2015 but really who’s checking. not me that’s for sure.

💖 so says the sword by komodobits, 85k, s4 au. cas guards the michael sword in the beautiful room. this is easily the MOST obvious rec on this entire list but it was the first fic i read when i got back into spn this year and jesus christ it set the bar sky fucking high. the way they create a coherent mythology out of the mess that is spn canon is incredible.

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’

Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

assimilation by komodobits, 5.6k, coda to 12x01. mary meets dean and cas and they go to find sam. such good character studies of all three of them. the best mary pov fic i’ve read

Mary always thought you were supposed to be able to tell. That you could just look at someone and know they were – you know. One of that sort. It’s not supposed to happen to her son.

cuckoo and nest by komodobits, 10k, ambiguously canonverse. dean and cas navigate relationship anxiety. cute, in character, and their relationship is realistic and the conflict well-written and emotionally nuanced and really really really good. 

For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental.

It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless.

💖 one white lie by komodobits, 11k, au. cas panics when trying to ask dean out and has to fake being a jehovah’s witness. it’s adorable and hilarious and it’s been ages since i actually got butterflies at a kiss in a fic but this did it. it did it. it felt like someone swaddled my soul in a cashmere blanket and kissed me on the forehead

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

a crash course in someone else’s history by annie d (scaramouche), 11.5k, set during s6. cas comes to as his s4 self without any memories of the past two years and has to figure out what the fuck is going on. it’s kind of like so says the sword. you’ll know it when you get to it.

Castiel is captured inside a trapping circle of holy oil set by Dean and Sam Winchester. The brothers call him "Cas", claiming that he has amnesia and that he is obligated to help them take down Crowley to atone for his betrayal of them. It's the strangest story Castiel's ever heard, and one he doesn't have time for because he's only just raised Dean from Hell and has work to get back to.

💖 cas and dean’s adventures in gardening by ahurston, 19k, post-canon au. a series featuring dean and cas living in the bunker, human. cas is very into plants. i read this yesterday actually and it made me smile SO much it’s just so lovely and sweet. i’m also a sucker for any fic where cas has a garden. he deserves a fucking garden okay

In this post-God world, everything is different. A little quieter, a little softer. Cas grows a garden, Dean cooks, and they take care of each other.

tall grass by aeli_kindara, 57k, post-s12. dean and cas live in the bunker on their own, and cas grows a garden. i did say i love fics where cas has a garden. plus domesticity, plus some good case fic, PLUS dean and cas’ relationship is so gentle and good

“I think we should have a garden,” Cas says.

Dean looks up from his beer. He hasn’t had that much to drink, but Cas still has a vague look of unreality about him, a splash of living color that doesn’t fit in the bunker’s echoing stillness. Dean didn’t hear him coming. A lot of the time, Cas is so unobtrusive it feels like Dean has the bunker to himself, with Sam away.

Dean shakes his head to clear it. “A — garden?” he repeats.

in a week by renrub, 2.3k, post 15x18. cas is in the empty. dean saves him. this is genuinely the best “dean pulls cas out of the empty” fic i’ve read so far like conceptually this entire thing just fucks. when cas is cycling through the barn scene. god. SO well written

Castiel is outside a barn covered in sigils. He frowns. This isn’t right. This has never been something he repented for.

i won’t even wish for snow by annie d (scaramouche), 5.6k, college au. cas goes to the winchesters’ for christmas. honestly scaramouche fics belong in the classics section bc she’s like an og deancas writer but whatever. mistletoe! banter! good in-character au! this fic’s got it all

It’s the third year that Castiel’s spending Christmas with his best friend’s family, and he expects it to be much like the previous two. Then mistletoe happens.

convenient husbands by annie d (scaramouche), 39k, canonverse au. cas is a phoenix, dean is a hunter. they get married and have a sick psychic bond. unexpectedly fluffy considering how the fic starts and i love the banter so much and dean/cas’ relationship gets fleshed out and organically developed it’s very cute

"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?"

cinderwings by bendingsignpost, 181k, cinderella au. cas goes to a masquerade ball to save his people from an eternity trapped in a void. he meets prince dean. i can’t tell u how much this fic drew me in - thru good worldbuilding, but mostly thru cas’ social awkwardness. like it works PERFECTLY to his advantage in this fic and reading how expertly he manipulates social situations w/o any fucking idea what he’s doing is both hilarious and inspiring

Under the cover of a masquerade ball, Castiel has five nights to recover the key to his people's freedom. The world has changed greatly in the six centuries since their banishment into the void, but the task isn't impossible. Unfortunately for Castiel, this is going to involve talking to people - especially the Knight Prince who has taken an interest in Castiel and his "costume" wings.

as the crow flies by bendingsignpost, 3.4k, au. dean and cas go on a roadtrip. cas has wings! it’s so dreamlike and meandering and the slowburn is so good. honestly it reminds me of stevebucky/stevesam post tws era roadtrip fics if ur hip LMAO

Cross country road trips with Cas are the best.

long-term relationship by bendingsignpost, 2.7k, au. dean and cas have a Serious Conversation about their relationship.

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers, 7k, ambiguously canonverse. dean is trans. dean and cas are fucking and lowkey hiding it from sam. perfect character study PERFECT trans dean fic it’s so fucking well-written 

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

💖 the love story of the runner up by margo_kim, 4.7k, ambiguously canonverse. cas tries dating other men. bear with me here. this is an outside pov fic from an oc named miguel who is WONDERFULLY characterized and very endearing like i find outsider/oc pov to be on Thin Fucking Ice bc it always ends up as fandom/author self-insert but miguel is his OWN MAN. he gets his own lil arc and everything. dean and cas are concentrated perfectly crystallized versions of themselves and the little glimpses we get of them are amazing. ALSO i wrote like 9k of an spn vent fic (basically the same premise but w an oc named marcus) back in like. freshman yr of hs. so when i first opened this fic i was like what the fuck someone’s been in my google docs. very weird experience 10/10 regardless

“So you saw a white man in a trench coat pop out in an alley,” Paul says, “and you thought, what, ‘I want to see where this is going’?”

“If you get hung up on details like that,” Miguel says, “it will take a very long time to get through this story.”

For a very weird era in his life, Miguel dates an angel who is in love with another man.

sunshine by northernsparrow, 8k, set during s13. dean and cas have a long conversation about their Profound Bond. the description left me off-balance (it really. really truly says “dean is straight in this fic” like okay bro WEIRD hill to die on) but it pulled through w the relationship study and reassurance and snuggles. a sweet fic

One-shot with a single conversation between Dean and Castiel, set in a late-S13-ish world. Gabriel, Cas, Sam & Dean are all living in the bunker together, Gabe's been cracking certain jokes, Sam's found a certain book, Cas is injured and isn’t healing... and it's all making Dean wonder if his angel friend might have some sort of a "bond" with... somebody? Whatever that means.

Maybe it's time for a talk.

💖 still life by catchclaw, 16.5k, post-s8. cas, newly human, goes to live on his own for a while. he and dean maintain a relationship thru the phone. this is LITERALLY the only first person fic i fucking respect okay like i was skeptical! i really was! but the pov is PERFECT and also my man kevin tran is in this fic and i love him and miss him very much. oh and cas going off to explore humanity on his own..............perfect arc. very much in character we love that for him

Dean'd always thought that falling in love was a capital letter kind of thing, an Important Event you carved into the calendar of your life and never, ever forgot. But with he and Cas, it wasn't that simple.

it’s mostly cowardice, and bad timing by ferritin4, 1.6k, pre-canon. actually this one is just a dean study it’s not deancas but i spent an entire night looking for it and i need someone else to read it too. dean is smart!!! SAY THAT

Dean gets his GED.

a list of reasons the bunker shouldn’t get a sofa by lizbobjones, 5.6k, set during s12. sam and dean and mary and cas haul a sofa back to the bunker. cute domesticity and fluff

Let me count the ways that this is a terrible idea.

no kingdom to come by domesticadventures, 16.8k, canonverse. dean and cas deal with being stuck in quarantine in different ways. this is the one and only quarantine fic i’ve read and it’s really good lmao. dean and cas’ relationship is so organic and tentative in this one

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

till the juice runs by deathbanjo, 8.4k, canonverse. it’s like dean’s being cursed to have bad hookups with men. SUCH a funny fic and the deancas tension is so simple and sweet and GOOD. plus cas is so enjoyably characterized here he’s so human and worn in and experienced in his own unique way. perfect use of rowena too

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

turn of the year by kototyph, 3.9k, canonverse au. sam and dean get stuck out in the middle of nowhere on the winter solstice. what i wouldn’t give for a full 80k of this verse actually. also i went on a kototyph binge after reading shut up put your money where your mouth is and they have a SOLID spn repertoire

Fifteen minutes later, Dean gets back in the car with empty hands and ice in his fucking eyebrows. “Get the map out,” he says through chattering teeth, sticking numb fingers under his arms.

Sam holds up the battered 1995 Rand MacNally they keep in the side pocket, turned to a page of uninterrupted green. “We’re going to die,” he announces.

💖 bullets in the gun by kototyph, 4.9k, canonverse au. cas is a cop (i know. still) who gets kidnapped by dean in an unfortunate turn of events. GOD this fic is SO FUNNY. cas’ canny and strategic escape attempts render him a very active VERY funny pov character plus the hate attraction to dean is PERFECTLY WRITTEN VERY BELIEVABLE. dean’s kindness also shines thru even as he literally holds cas hostage like!!!! PERFECT characterization. both of them are so LIKABLE here. if you read anything on this list read this

“Sorry, sweetheart, but I’m going to need to borrow your car.”

as you will by kototyph, 1.8k, victorian au. cas endures a proposal mishap. it’s cute it’s funny it’s sweet!

"No?" Castiel echoes, dumbly.

and if i was looking too? by kototyph, 2.6k, au. cas is undercover where dean works. this fic is just so cute like. bird angels.................

There are some things Castiel hasn't told Dean, and there are some things he doesn't need to.

the most important thing by northernsparrow, 94.5k, s10 au. amnesiac cas raising claire until he comes across someone familiar. claire is so well characterized here i really loved her arc thruout this fic. she just wants her dad back and u can’t even blame her the author rlly does an amazing job creating realistic and heartbreaking motivations for her. oh and dean and cas (esp cas characterization!) are sweet in this but honestly the highlight IS claire for me

Jimmy Novak remembers nothing of the last six years. Reunited with his troubled daughter Claire, he's struggling to raise her on his own. The most important thing is to make Claire happy. But why does he keep having these dreams of wings, and of two men in a black car? (Canon-divergent from S10E11, when we first met Claire again and Dean was still struggling with the Mark of Cain. Takes places several months later).

there’s only one sure thing that i know by blinkiesays, 20.3k, post-s5. dean goes to help cas out in ohio and they end up building a home together. i love the writing it’s rlly funny and sweet.

Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest.

💖 to an angel, love and worship are the same thing by geminisage, 10.3k, post s15 fix it. dean grieves cas - and then cas gets brought back back from the empty. i didn’t have this in my bookmarks so i MISSED it the first time around on this list but this was another one of the fics i came back to spn fandom to. it’s so fucking unique?? it actually reads like spn like i think fic tends to soften dean/cas up and makes them more emotional + emotionally intelligent than is ever shown in the show. here the dialogue/characterization adheres RIGOROUSLY to their communication in canon in that dean’s not overtly emotional, and cas is very reserved. they have to negotiate their relationship exactly like they would in the show. it’s all clipped conversation and anger and hurt and (warning btw) LOTS of internalized homophobia on dean’s end but it’s SO worth it. dean navigating his [GESTURES VAGUELY] everything is compellingly written, emotionally true, and PERFECTLY characterized. cas characterization also amazing like u rlly feel the quiet devoted bittersweet love. ok this was long clearly it’s a good fic go read it now

Just as Dean knew they would, the weeks do stretch into months, and then into a year. Grief never gets easier, Dean knows from experience, but you do get better at it. After all, you can get used to anything.

the violin house by teh_helenables, 8.5k, post-s5. dean and cas build a home after stull. so slow and lovely and sweet and gentle. i need to put this here so that i don’t forget it tbh. it’s very much dean as a war wife cas as the husband away on the front

The Apple Pie Life is a slow process, but Dean and Cas are getting there—until Cas is called for battle and Dean is forced to wait.

💖 muscle memory by komodobits, 18.9k, au. amnesiac cas wakes up three years in the future with dean in his kitchen. komodobits DOES NOT FUCKING MISS!!! i CRIED at the end of this i had NO INTENTION OF CRYING the rest of the fic isn’t even SAD i just had to sit there at the end of it w tears dribbling down my face. INSANE work of art

Dear Castiel,

Hello – it’s Castiel. This must all seem very confusing, and I’m sorry for that. Dean says to tell you that this isn’t some kind of ‘time-travel stunt’, although I’m sure that won’t be your first thought. I know it wasn’t mine. I’ve told Dean to leave now, as this is my notebook and I want everything in it to come from me – or rather, from you. I know you think it's the fifteenth of January, 2010, but it isn't. At the time of my writing this, the date is the fourth of October, 2013. Dean Winchester is your boyfriend of a year and a half, and you no longer work at the library, and in early 2010 you were hit by a car and hospitalised. I’m sorry.

a.k.a the 50 First Dates Dean/Cas AU where Castiel wakes up on a day just like any other, except that three years have passed without his knowing, and Dean Winchester is in the kitchen wanting to marry him.

don’t forget the experience points by annie d (scaramouche), 10.8k, au. cas is sam’s work friend, and he and dean get to know each other. genuinely an adorable fic. i adore cas’ characterization in this it’s snarky AND awkward AND confident in a way that i absolutely believe he would be if he had 30 yrs of human life under his belt

It's because Dean was an awesome brother than he took such an interest in Sam's new friend. No, really. What happened afterwards was mostly an accident.

actus fidei by manic_intent, 5.6k, canonverse au. dean’s a priest, cas is still his angel. i was HOOKED from the description alone like That’s Everything I Love in One Sentence. Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the very first time that Castiel manifests in front of Father Dean Winchester, he gets as far as "Rejoice, for you are blessed-" before Dean shoots him with a salt-loaded shotgun.

not with a bang but a yelp by strange_estrangement, 1.4k, canonverse. team free will leave yelp reviews. this isn’t d/c actually it’s just a crack-ish fic but the formatting is cool and the references are SO funny and so well done

What happens when you visit dozens and dozens of motels every year? You leave Yelp reviews.

the courtship of combat by bendingsignpost, 18.2k, medieval a/b/o au. cas is politically coerced into fighting in a courtship melee for prince dean's hand, and he teams up with two unexpected allies to do it. I KNOW HOW THE ABO THING SOUNDS but i swear it's done well - it's by bendingsignpost so ofc he puts his own spin on the premise. im absurdly into it. PLUS jack is in it!!!!!!! it's technically an unfinished series but the first part is so good just on its own

When pressed upon to mate for a political alliance, Commander Castiel dares to refuse his king. As “I do not wish to mate at all” is clearly the wrong thing to say, Castiel takes the other path and lies. “You must know my affections lie elsewhere, my king.”

King Michael studies Castiel’s face long and hard. Then, with a nod, he snaps his fingers, pointing to Castiel. “The Winchester omega.”

“Yes,” Castiel says with no real recollection of who that is.

The ruse of an unavailable omega works well enough, right up until that omega is no longer unavailable. Then, with what seems to be his entire nation cheering him on toward victory, Castiel must enter the melee to win his mate. Backed by allies, training, and his own natural talents, the only question is how well he can contrive to fail.

four letter word for intercourse by bendingsignpost, 194.7k, au. dean calls a sex hotline. OH BOY solid characterization excellent plot/premise like bendingsignpost is so good at turning absurd premises into realistic, believable fiction. also sex hotline fic is usually a BIG turn-off bc of the power dynamics/one-sidedness of a relationship based on sex work but. BUT. bendingsignpost does it well! it’s not weird at ALL i started reading and was immediately reassured abt its intentions and its plot direction

As a grease monkey turned college freshman, Dean's constantly three seconds away from being stressed out of his mind. It hardly helps that he's finally figuring out his sexuality in his thirties.

What might help with that stress is a little phone number (and a big credit card bill). If he can't figure out how to be bisexual in person, he can at least give it a go over the phone, right?

(It's probably a bad idea, but he really can't help himself.)

the tunnel of love by xylodemon, 21.4k, post-canon. case fic! dean and cas have to kiss on a loveboat to solve a case >:)

"We might," Cas starts slowly, pausing like he's choosing his words. "We might have to kiss."

Dean just stares at him.

when you have a future. by firebog, 17.6k, post-s8. dean and sam and cas learning to be human post-apocalypse. reminds me of robotmango’s writing! it’s kind of eccentric and very very sweet and funny.

Sam closes Hell. Castiel closes Heaven. The heroes save the day. There's no Heaven or Hell waiting to cause the next big disaster. There's no more end of the world. There's only a squirmy feeling in his chest that feels a lot like freedom. So, now what?

(Things I promise you in this fic: dog poetry, rabbits, and fluff)

six inch heels by alitneroon, 2.3k, canonverse. dean does drag! excellent fucking character study. prose is fantastic

Dean does drag on a whim, and ends up in way over his head.

sharing is caring by gateskeeper, 2.5k, canonverse. five times dean and cas shared something and one time they didn’t. look. sometimes u just need some saccharine tropey fluff. it’s VERY well written

Sam knows that Dean and Cas have shared a lot together, but ever since Cas became human permanently, it seems like they've been sharing a lot more. 

Or: five times Dean and Cas shared something special and one time Dean refused to.

💖 empty spaces by schmerzerling, 60k, au. dean has to take care of his dying father, and takes up running to cope. that’s just the beginning. HEAVY trigger warnings for ED (specifically anorexia) and suicidal thoughts. there is a happy ending, but dean has to fight to make it there. god. okay. this is a dark fic. it’s also one of the most well-characterized fics i’ve ever read. dean’s spiral is excruciatingly accurate and written with the kind of wry compassion that comes from either extensive research or extensive experience. it’s also completely immersed in dean’s perspective - dean’s relationship w his dad, dean’s relationship w food scarcity, etc. it’s incredible. it’s kinda scary. it’s deeply sad. cas is explicitly autistic and it’s ALSO incredibly accurate and loving, and makes cas so true to his canon self. ugh. and i burst into TEARS at some of the accompanying art, which is so sparse and lonely and beautiful. 100/10 experience one of the best fics i’ve read this year

Dean is fine. The way he sees it, things are simple. He had a house and a family and food in his stomach, and now he doesn't. And yeah, that's a downer, but he's not going to let that stop him from being fine, because he's in control of the situation. He definitely doesn't need anyone to save him. And it's not like the weird guy with the nice butt from down the road is the knight-in-shining-armor type, anyway.

broken road by thegeminisage, 109.6k, 14x13 au. dean makes a wish and gets more than he bargained for. a lot of “john comes back” fics are kinda short on nuance, which this author has talked about a lot - and oh MAN does this fic deliver on nuance. john’s abuse is absolutely present, but his pov makes him a complex character instead of a flat caricature for dean to reject. and the way this fic resolves really makes it clear that the priority is dean’s emotional well-being over all else!!! this isn’t about dean taking the path fandom thinks he should take w his abuser (killing john, punching john in the face, etc), this is abt dean coming to terms w his abuse and finding his own emotionally satisfying way of resolving it. also dean and cas are in an established relationship and it’s very slow and sweet.

A 14.13 Lebanon rewrite. When Dean uses a wish-granting pearl to try and kill the archangel Michael before he can escape the cage in Dean's head, they instead wind up with a newly-resurrected John Winchester.

It's been more than a decade since John died, and a lot has changed: Mary is alive, Sam and Dean have what passes for a proper home in the Men of Letters Bunker, and they're living with angels. John doesn't know angels are real, he doesn't know about the fragile new relationship between Dean and Castiel, and most of all, he doesn't know that Dean said yes to Michael, or that Dean's plan to defeat Michael would send him to a fate worse than death.

Now Dean must contend with both his father asking questions he can't answer, and his loved ones learning about the darker truths of his childhood, all while constantly battling the archangel trapped inside him. But Dean coming to terms with his history may be the difference between this being the beginning of a journey—or the end. 

home is not a place by imogenbynight, 6.8k, post-s11. human cas struggles with belonging, and dean struggles with their relationship. this reads a lot like komodobits’ cuckoo and nest, but it’s its own sweet little thing. they watch movies!!! very cute 

In which Dean is the oblivious one for a change.

love: a retrospective by xylodemon, 40.7k, post-s12. dean tries to deal w cas’ absence after s12 and reflects on their relationship thru the years. this was written before s13 aired, so - no spoilers - but jack plays a different role than he ends up playing in canon. it’s kinda fun seeing ppl’s theories pre-s13 tbh. makes me VERY glad that they took jack in the direction they did in show. anyway this is THEE definitive “they’ve been fucking all along” fic

Pretending Cas is just his friend has been the only thing keeping Dean's head on straight for years. He never realized how much doing that depended on him making himself scarce in the morning ─ not until Cas came back and moved into the bunker.

✨💖 if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee, 37k, post-s15 fix-it. cas gets broken out of the empty - and he immediately makes a break for it. new fave fix-it!!!! the writing is so understated and so straightforward - SO in character for cas tbh - that every single emotional beat feels like a PUNCH. and there are so many amazing character moments it made my chest seize the fuck up!!!!! perfect characterization perfect relationship moments perfect cas/jack parenting moments. the yearning over the phone is OFF THE CHARTS and spocklee makes the most of that tension!!!! PLUS old canon characters get to make fun appearances!!!!! i cannot recommend this shit enough

After the Empty, Cas has to spend some time alone. Orpheus tries to convince Eurydice over the phone that it’s okay to turn around now.

✨ before and after breakfast by spocklee, 10.5k, post-canon. dean and sam and cas tackle a monster of the week case with unexpected consequences. perfect pov perfect relationship moments SUCH GOOD TENSION. again this writing style just lets the tension dial up to 1000% every word is meaningful and it makes my chest hurt!!! spocklee SHOULD have blown up during the spn renaissance and i STAND by that

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

CLASSICS

isn't it cool how every person has diff fics they consider "classics?" anyway these are required fucking reading. if u've been around these will prob be old news.

💖 asunder by rageprufrock, 23k, au. dean and cas go to sam's wedding. i reread this once a year like a religious ritual.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)

💖 the girlfriend experience by rageprufrock, 15k, set during s5. dean teaches cas how to be human. mostly the sex part. literally the gold fucking standard of s4-5 era deancas fic and for deancas fic in general, personally

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

okay, cupid. by orange_crushed, 4.5k, au. dean tries to sign up for an ok cupid profile and has a revelation. as soon as i put this entry down i realized this entire fic rec was an exercise in futility, because if i could i'd literally just rec everything orange_crushed/robotmango has ever written. still one of THEE best authors in this fandom. go read all her fics. i’ll put the highlights here

"The dating thing?" Dean frowns. "Online dating is for weirdos. Robots. Dudes hanging out in their basements."

"You hang out in your basement."

"I have an air hockey table down there,” Dean says, icily.

💖 pwp: pie without plot by orange_crushed and majorenglishesquire, 82k, post-s8. sam and dean and cas quit hunting for a little bit to open a bakery. this is my comfort fic. i love it so so much.

he is in the kitchen with flour on his hands and an apron and there is flour on his forehead and cas leans across the counter and wipes it off with his thumb and dean says "thank you" and cas says "you’re welcome" very seriously and later dean makes apple turnovers and he only ruins them a little and sam realizes it’s not a real hunt like four days into it and he lets dean stay undercover for like a week and a half or longer maybe way longer because he is such a good everything

💖 la cucina by orange_crushed, 4k, post-s8. dean gets into cooking for a newly human cas. it's so gentle and loving and kind and makes me tear up every time. YES food is a comfort item and expression of love for dean. no i don't want to talk about it

Dean turns around and Castiel is picking through the jars, turning them over carefully to read the labels, totally engrossed. Dean watches him.

"Is there," Dean says, "uh, anything in there you like?" Castiel looks up at him and then back at the apples, sitting in a basket on the counter in their golden skins, ripe and pretty. Castiel smiles up at Dean.

"I don’t know yet," he says.

today, your barista verse by orange_crushed, 13.6k, coffeeshop au. a series of short sweet lovely fics where cas is a barista and dean is a smitten customer. literally the only coffeeshop au i respect

"Is that-"

"My number," says Dean, because he's a fucking champion, he's cool, he's collected, he's Captain Smooth of the USS Smoothtania, that's right. He is definitely not leaning against the counter for moral support. Cas doesn't looked seduced or impressed, though. He does not look like a dude who just met Captain Smooth and wants to ride the loveboat. He looks puzzled.

fata morgana. by orange_crushed, 6.6k, post-s9. dean is the king of hell. bela and cas team up to find him. bela pov. yeah you fucking heard that right BELA POV. BELA AND CAS!!!!!!!!!! makes me lose my mind i love everyone in this stupid desolate fucking hell wasteland.

The endless asphalt and broken road, the empty land and piles of human garbage, the unwanted ends of life, the cracked toys and broken screens and burning cars and gravel. Dean Winchester is the king of hell.

"Oh," says Bela.

That changes certain things.

💖 gran fury. by orange_crushed, 5k, pacific rim au. sam and cas pair up in a last ditch mission to save the world. permanently damaged me at age 15 and i've never recovered. major fucking angst warning.

They sit in silence and Castiel passes him the bottle. There’s not much left to say. Sam takes a gulp and it burns going down, like the cheap shit it is. He holds the bottle up against the light. He can see the Fury through it, distorted like a funhouse mirror. She’s a tomb but Sam loves her. Loves everything that’s left.

"To the end of the world," he says.

"To the end of the world," says Castiel.

💖 shut up (put your money where your mouth is) by kototyph, 24k, au. dean and cas get drunk married in vegas. dean renovates cas' house. this fic is SO MUCH BETTER than i remembered/expected and the entire series is fucking adorable go read it RIGHT now

Dean's done some pretty stupid things, but getting drunk-hitched in Vegas to a colleague he barely knows might just take the cake. His surprise husband, Castiel, is a little weird but likable despite that, and Dean figures they’ll go back to Boston, get a quiet annulment, and go their separate ways. Six weeks later, he’s still married to one of the strangest, most genuine and definitely most dangerously lov-- likable guys he's ever known. Dean doesn't know why or really even how it’s happening, but it’s getting harder and harder to remember that he has divorce papers to file.

not part of the plan by annie d (scaramouche), 338k, arranged marriage au. cas is slated to marry a noble from the winchester house. things spiral out of control. if you’re looking for an extensive well-developed political au, this is fucking it. i love reading about political machinations so this was FASCINATING to me. 

Castiel's spent most of his adult life keeping his head down and staying out of trouble. This is a deliberate choice on his part, because as a cousin of the King, he'd rather stay unimportant and forgotten. This changes abruptly when King Michael decides that he has a better use for Castiel: he is to be wed to a noble member of the neighboring Republic, as part of an agreement between their two nations.

Castiel knows he has to obey, but that doesn't mean he won't rebel in what small ways he can. Unexpectedly, his actions end up having far-reaching consequences.

💖 all things shining by askance and standbyme, 142k, au. sam and dean and cas go on a hunt that's not really a hunt, and against all odds good things happen. it's beautifully written and has scenes that literally make my heart leap out of my chest with joy and awe it's just WONDERFUL it's a wonderful fic. incredible mythology too omg i found that the authors actually created the myth the entire story is based on - like they don’t pull a random one from history, they made one up THEMSELVES. they even self-published it on amazon if ur curious

Something in the world is waking up.

It isn’t long before it’s brought to the attention of the Winchesters and Castiel: miracles are spreading across the country, the paranormal seems to be shrinking back on itself—and it all has something to do with the missing prayer book of a traveling preacher who died over a century ago.

Dean is convinced it’s all the lead-up to another Apocalypse; Sam and Castiel aren’t so sure. Regardless, it sends them out on a less-than-typical road-trip, following the Mississippi and remnants of a very old story that seems increasingly to call to them. And along the way the trio learn much more about themselves—and the consequences and origins of love—than they’d ever have anticipated.

💖 broadway musical by griftings, 12.4k, crack. romcom where cas is supposed to play matchmaker to dean and jo and well. you know. it actually made me cackle out loud when i read it again so you know it's still good. absolutely one of the funniest fics i’ve read

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

the five people you meet in heaven by chevrolangels, 22k, ambiguously canonverse. dean dies and goes to heaven and meets five people from his life. NOT a post-finale fic but still horrifically sad. i remember sobbing hysterically when i first read this so

Heaven is white.

Well. Isn’t that fucking stereotypical.

Dean isn’t really sure how he got here. Or even why he’s here. And hell, for all the times the Winchesters have died, he thinks he ought to know the drill by now. But what he doesn’t know is when most folks go, they find something different.

There’s a system God put in place. That when you’re gone (for good), there are a couple things you gotta do first. There are five people waiting for you.

They are the five people you meet in heaven.

any port in a storm by microcomets, 53k, post-s8. dean and cas go on a haunted cruise for a case. you know what happens next. also the art is by anobviousaside and it's gorgeous

The angels have fallen, leaving Castiel graceless and Dean with, well, more of other people’s problems. When a string of couples goes missing on the east coast, Dean and Cas decide to investigate—and find themselves trapped and hunted on a couples’ counseling cruise. Although battling monsters at sea is dangerous enough, sorting through emotional baggage proves to be far more deadly. (And, in which Cas embarks to find his missing grace and Dean is put out. Not necessarily in that order.)

a turn of the earth by microcomets, 95k, pre-canon au. cas is on the run from the empty and crash lands in dean's life. at one point he punches john in the face. a fucking beautifully written character study of pre-canon dean, honestly.

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

unfinished duet by microcomets, 5.8k, canonverse. sam observes dean and cas throughout the years. i remember this breaking my heart back in 2013!

Sam watches Dean and Cas over the years and notices a few things. (Or, Dean and Cas unscripted.)

💖 ergative/absolutive by glassedplanets, 8k, college au. dean and cas are best friends who meet in an astronomy class. i'm never not thinking about this fic it's so sweet and the friends to lovers is so soft and believable

He really shouldn’t be thinking thoughts like this about his best friend who literally just broke up with his girlfriend, but he knows he’ll blame it on sleepiness in the morning. He always does.

a certain light by flightagain, 24k, au. cas works at the gas n sip. dean is a customer. this author’s writing style is so lonely and heavy but it’s very lovely

Castiel works at the Gas-n-Sip. There are half-price nachos and flickering lights, there are office-workers and werewolves stopping by for snacks. Dean is a frequent customer, and his office might be haunted.

the one thing you can’t lose by majorenglishesquire, 5k, ambiguously canonverse. dean can pull cas around and it’s adorable. character study-ish. very sweet.

You know what I like a lot? The thought that Dean can just tug Cas anywhere at any time and Cas, who can lift tons without effort, who can demolish things with the light of his grace, who has battled and gone to war, has defended and broken, will just let Dean do it.

brother lover by twentysomething, 4k, set during s4/s5. dean’s jealous of sam and cas’ budding relationship. this fic is so tropey but it does it well and it’s funny as fuck

However- and it doesn't happen a lot- they have to invoke 'I saw her first.’

his fucking kids by 8sword, 3k, canonverse au. dean and cas raise claire and emma together. yes, claire novak. yes, emma of 7x13 spice girls fame. this was the first kidfic i read for spn i think. obvs written before jack or claire actually came back into the picture but it was the TEMPLATE of kidfic for me for ages

Jesus, the school should just have a parking spot labeled, “Reserved for the Novak-Winchesters,” because Dean’s getting sick of having to cruise around the parking lot looking for a spot every time he gets a call from the principal about Emma.

💖 what has eight tentacles and isn’t allowed to eat pie? by annie d (scaramouche), 16k, post s8. dean gets turned into an octopus. another fic that was SO MUCH BETTER than i remembered i fucking love when that happens. it isn’t even about dean being an OCTOPUS like NO. NOT EVEN. it’s ACTUALLY about the bunker and building a home and a community and a family and about PHYSICAL COMFORT and you can actually feel the world expanding at the end of this fic like a gusty sigh of relief it’s SO WONDERFUL. kevin is in this fic. ellie is too and i had to look her up but THIS is her!!!! danay garcia u were too hot to stay on this show but i love you and miss u

Dean watched an anime porn about this once, but real life turns out to be way less interesting.

Or, the one where Dean gets turned into an octopus.

💖 a beginner’s guide to communing with the dead by suspiciousflashlight, 77k, canonverse au. dean is a cop who summons a powerful entity to help him solve a cold case. oh my god i can’t believe i didn’t put this on here i love this one so much. the writing bowls me over it’s so confident in its worldbuilding like you’re IMMEDIATELY plunged into dean’s pov (FLAWLESSLY executed throughout the fic btw) and you just learn about the world as you go!! and it’s such a fascinating world!!! i love the magic i love the typical bureaucratic red tape procedures i love normalizing the supernatural. i ESPECIALLY love monsters as normal people in a society. at one point there’s this exchange

“Monsters,” says Cas finally. “Beyond the Wall there are monsters.” “You mean, like, vampires and djinn and stuff?” Cas shakes his head. “Those aren’t monsters, those are just people.”

those lines have stayed with me for years. i think about them every time i rewatch an episode of spn.

Maybe it's the little girl whose disappearance turned into a murder, and whose murder turned into a cold case, and who has now apparently decided to move in with him. Maybe it's the unacceptable hole left in his life when his dumb best friend and partner in (the prevention of) crime decided to go and get himself killed. Maybe it's his brother, whose high-profile career and fantastic girlfriend and first-child-on-the-way are steadily leaving Dean in the dust. Pick one. Pick all of them. The why doesn't matter so much as the what, and the what is this: Dean is pretty sure he's going completely, certifiably insane. Sure, he hasn't started wearing all his clothes inside out, and he still showers on a regular basis (anyways, that's not crazy, just a little eccentric); but there's no getting around the fact that he just threw away his life, his career, and his reputation by dragging out his mom's old necromancy book and summoning a Class A Forbidden Entity to his attic. A cranky one, too. With horrendous bed-head.

dean’s list by almaasi, 3k, canonverse. dean makes a list. short and sweet. i read this so much in 2015 that it literally got engraved into my brain line by line and rereading it caused synapses to fire that havent felt anything in years

Dean writes out a list of men he would go gay for. Sam has a suggestion to make.

💖 the path of fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, post-s8. dean and cas open a charming bed and breakfast in vermont. no, literally. another CLASSIC. i think about the food in this fic all the time...........maple bacon baked french toast......the cinnamon rolls.....it literally sounds so good

After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years.

long nights in cold months by pyrebi, 2.3k, au. dean’s an insomniac and cas works at walmart. i forgot i had this fic ALSO basically memorized. holy shit. pineapple in the fruit aisle.....................anyway it’s short and sweet and the “plot” resolves in such a satisfying way

When you're an insomniac, you get used to the "what the hell are you doing up, man?" look. Dean just hopes the guy who's stocking the shelves will stop giving it to him long enough to help him find some damn pineapple.

incredibly single & ready to mingle by imogenbynight, 3.6k, au. dean and cas meet on facebook. short cute au!!!!!!

Sam uses Facebook like the social media junkie he is. He's befriended literally every person he's ever had a conversation with since he got an account, which means that approximately—Dean checks—eight hours ago, he shared this horrible photo with something in the vicinity of nine hundred people. The caption below the picture reads “incredibly single & ready to mingle ;)” and roughly half of them have liked it.

Dean has never been so embarrassed in his life.

💖 unknown quantities by xylodemon, 8.5k, post-s8. after a post-case tryst, dean has to figure out his and cas’ relationship. human cas fics hold a special place in my heart. funny AND good dean pov AND a misunderstanding that i actually think works!!!!!

No one ever tells Dean anything.

(or: Dean Winchester and the not-relationship crisis of 2014)

[crimson-snowfall]

Hey, I want to tell you that I really like your blog! And I have a short question: do you write nsfw stuff? If you do, can you write hc for Theo, Vincent and Comte when they first bite the mc?

Thank you anon, I’m glad you like my blog. I do accept NSFW requests (just not sure about how good I can write them since it’s not my forte).  I have not yet read Theo nor Comte’s route, and while I’m currently reading Vincent’s route at the time of writing, I have not yet reached the part where he bites MC. Anyway this is a bit longer than I expected, but I hope you like it ~ 

[Mildly NSFW] Ikevamp HC request: When they first bit MC (Vincent, Theodorus, & Comte de Saint-Germain)

Vincent

Having never drank blood from a human directly before and being his first time to have truly fallen in love, Vincent couldn’t understand why his thirst won’t be quenched no matter how much rouge he consumes.

As soon as he makes sense of his feelings after consulting with Theo, he tries his best to avoid you out of fear that he might end up hurting you or drink too much of your blood.

The two of you used to spend a lot of time together, so it made you really sad when you realized he started avoiding you. One evening, you caught him staring longingly at you. Vincent seemed to be in a deep trance for he kept his eyes on you even as you approached him and asked him if there’s anything he needed.

He looked rather pale, and somehow one of your hands found its way to his cheek. As soon as you made contact, Vincent snapped out of whatever trance he had been and looked at you, wide eyed.

Heaving a deep sigh, Vincent took your hand off his cheeks, intending to put it away before he could do anything. He never would’ve imagined his thirst could take over that time, and he found himself kissing and licking your wrist.

His fangs grazing on your pulse, he was about to bite you when you called out his name in confusion. Vincent immediately let go of your hand and stood frozen on the spot for a few seconds, before his gaze met yours once again.

“Sorry about that… I… I must’ve been…” at loss for words, he turned around and headed to the direction of his room, apologizing once again as he fled and muttering something about how he had to go.

You can no longer bear the fact that he’s been avoiding you, so you went after him. You already had a hunch as to why based on the hints an irritated Theo had been dropping lately, and the fact that Vincent was about to bite you was all the confirmation you needed.

Vincent sat on his couch, distress evident on his posture. Once he again, he seemed to be too absorbed in whatever has been running on his mind as he failed to notice you enter the room and sit next to him. Being the kind and gentle person he is, you figured that you had to be the one to initiate somehow, because he would never ask for it and the problem would never be solved.

Vincent jolted a little at the suddenness of your embrace, and you took that opportunity to steal a soft kiss from his lips.

“What are you doing here? I’m… it’s not safe for you to be—” his already hoarse voice was cut off with an almost feral sound reverberating from his throat, and in just a split second you found yourself pinned down on the couch.

You could see the violent storm whirling in Vincent’s usually clear eyes as he fought back the urge to take you then and there, and before you even knew it, you were confessing your love for him.

“…That’s why, there’s no need for you to hold back. Take as much as you need. I’m all yours.”

“Can I, really? Am I really allowed to… have this much and be this happy?” The last part was a mere whisper and it was utterly heart-wrenching hearing him ask something like that.

“You deserve the world, Vincent.” With those words you pulled his head down your neck. His tongue flicked on your skin the same skillful way he handled a paintbrush against a canvas. He slowly buried his fangs into your neck, the pain lasting only for the first few centimeters, after which the waves of pleasure coursed through your body with each fraction of his fangs burying deeper into your neck.

The night quickly escalated into a heated, passionate one, and you had to take the next day off your duties not only because Vincent had accidentally marked you everywhere, but mainly you couldn’t even so much walk on your own after last night’s intense lovemaking.

Theo

That night, you thought Theo just went out drinking with Arthur, but when the flirtatious author came home alone and perfectly sober, anxiety began to consume you. You were there when the myrmidons of the Academie threatened Theo to stop with his activities of giving exposure to new artists, or face the consequences.

Your worst fears came to life when you see your lover staggering to the mansion, clutching a badly injured, bleeding arm. You rushed to his side, tears already streaming down your face as you helped him in and called for help from the other residents of the mansion.

“What are you crying for, hondje? I’m a vampire, you know. This is nothing.” Theo did his best to sound like his usual self, but even as a vampire, getting ambushed and stabbed twice on the same arm still hurt like hell.

Sebastian and Vincent helped you tend to Theo’s wounds. Vincent offered to look after his brother, but Theo insisted that he can handle himself and that both you and Vincent should go back to your rooms and get a good night’s sleep. Vincent readily obliged, leaving you and Theo alone in his room.

“What now, knabbeltje? Didn’t you hear what I just said?” To him, it really seemed like you didn’t, for your eyes were still fixated on the bandaged wound, eyes still puffy from crying earlier.

Using his good arm, he pulled you from were you were seated, putting you on top of him. Theo pat your head then pulled you into the tightest embrace he could without straining his wounded arm.

“Silly hondje. Are you that afraid to lose your master?” Theo kissed your head and proceeded to stroke your hair.

“I can’t help it. How else did you expect me to react seeing you leave a trail of blood behind you? And you’re not really immortal like Comte, so if anything happened to you, I—”

You looked like you were on the verge of tears again, so Theo took the liberty of sealing your lips with his own before you could even say things that would make you cry. That was when his blood loss began to take a toll on his body, and he reluctantly broke the kiss as his fangs enlarged.

“Theo… your fangs…” You touched his fangs like a child in awe, drawing a hiss from him. You have longed to be bitten by him for quite some time now, to feel his fangs lodged in your neck as he fucked you silly. Theo gave you all of himself but he always denied you the bite, the sadist taking pleasure in seeing your frustrated and desperate expression.

“Hands off, hondje. My fangs are not a treat.” It was your turn to wear that smug expression your lover often wore as you pressed a finger against his fang, Theo’s eyes widening as you increased the pressure until it pierced your finger.

The scent of your blood had always been alluring to him, but even more so in his injured state. In a flash, you found yourself pinned down against the mattress, a dark smile on your lover’s handsome features as he eyed you like a predator would his prey.

“Well played, hondje. You’re finally getting what you want tonight.” Theo allowed himself just a single lick on your neck before biting down with full intensity, the pleasure increasing proportionally with the strength of his bite that it left you a moaning mess.

Aside from Theo finally losing in his game and you confirming Arthur’s claims that a vampire’s bite is a pleasurable one, the thing that amazed you the most perhaps is how Theo managed to fuck you to soreness even when’s he injured.

Comte

The promised day where Comte bites you and turns you into a vampire has finally come, and while on the surface he maintains his usual elegance and air of nobility, being the one who knows him the most you can’t help but notice the mild apprehension on his eyes as you straddled on his lap.

Brushing aside his golden locks, you pressed a small kiss on his forehead and asked him if he’s having second thoughts about it.

“I was just a little surprised that you would ask for it so soon, ma chérie.” Comte closed his eyes under your touch, his hands moving to pull you closer to him.

He did not miss the way your eyes wavered for a bit, and you immediately knew because of the deep sigh that followed his statement. Mimicking your actions from earlier, he brushed aside your fringes and looked deeply into your eyes.

“You don’t need to force yourself, ma chérie. Like I said–”

“No, no. I can’t stand it anymore!” You knew he was a bit taken aback by your sudden outburst with the way his grip on your hips mildly tensed, and you couldn’t look him in the eye.

You went on and confessed about the hint of sadness you would see in his eyes every time he made love to you, and you just knew it’s his desire have your blood that’s causing him that unmistakable longing.

“I don’t want there to be sadness in your eyes anymore, Comte. And I want this too. So please…” Those were your words as you slowly took off your blouse, before seductively baring your neck to him, inviting, the look in your eyes full of lust.

Comte has lived through hundreds, or even thousands of years— it doesn’t really matter how long since he has long lost count of the years, but that moment would have to be the first time he has felt so much impulse and desire coursing through his entirety, and it scared him to death at the same time that he might drink you dry if he does not find another outlet for that overwhelming desire.

Soon, both of your clothes and undergarments lay discarded on the floor. You’re no longer straddling him; instead you laid sprawled out on the bed, with Comte leaving fiery kisses on every inch of your skin.

His thick, heated length rubbed against your entrance as he kissed and licked that sweet spot on your neck, and in one fluid motion, he sank his fangs into your neck and buried himself deep inside you.

You felt Comte’s desire flowing into you with every gulp of blood and each thrust of his body, perfectly mingling with your own lust. You lost your self to pleasure the night you lost your humanity– and if your new-found eternity is going to be like anything that night, then you really have no need of death to know what heaven is like.

Eyy is that really an HC I think I might’ve written a full scenario, help

Also in case anyone is wondering, the Academie I mentioned in Theo’s HC is an actual thing in the routes, and basically they’re traditionalists who put down artists exploring a new style, so they’re at odds with Theo who discovers and promotes new talents.

With regards to incoming requests: I’m currently busy with university at the moment (quiz weeks and finals season), so any incoming requests after this might have to wait until the first week of February before I can work on and post them. But if you’re willing to wait, my ask box is always open. I would also appreciate and prioritize Valentine’s-themed requests.

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

Road Trip : Punk!AU

Fandom: The Witcher Pairing: Punk!Aevryn x Punk!Valdo, Punk!Jaskier x Reader, Punk!Geralt x Punk!Yennefer Word Count: 3,329 Rating: T (swearing and violence) Taglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak​ @whatevermonkey​ @mynamesoundslikesherlock​ @magic-multicolored-miracle​ @ultracolorfulnerdcollection​ @coffee-and-stories​ @nevadawolfe​ a/n: This one is pure, distilled angst with just a whisper of muddled yearning. Ball’s in your court, Joz. Enjoy.

Part VI - Your shockwave whisper has sealed your fate

{Part I}{Part II}{Part III}{Part IV}{Part V}

When Valdo Marx pictured the renaissance of his great love story it had never happened in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Still he sat at a little table in the corner, awaiting Aevryn’s return. He clutched his phone in his hands, oversized vintage headphones tamping down his unruly brunette curls as he tried to calm himself by listening to his favorite album. His thinly veiled hipster sensibilities appreciated it because he knew no one else had ever listened to it outside of perhaps five people at most. His aching heart loved it because it was hers; a recording they’d made in his father’s studio when they were kids. The sonorous notes of the violin echoed in his mind, a secret unrequited anthem that kept her close at all times.

He saw the door open from the corner of his eye and sat up expectantly, hope plain on his face that faded to high-pitched anxiety when he saw who had entered the café.

“Valdo,” she said, sitting across from him without invitation, ever the queen of the space she inhabited no matter how briefly.

“Yennefer,” he replied, “What the hell are you doing here?”

She raised an eyebrow at him and the violet eyes fixed him with a cool, unimpressed look. But there was more there, curiosity, and maybe a little bit of uncertainty.

“Hardly a good first move, Valdo. Don’t you know the best way to win a woman back is to get her friends on your side?” she asked. Valdo scoffed and the bottle green eyes looked askance. His slender fingers slid the headphones off of his hair, curls springing back in place without so much as a dent. He crossed his arms in front of him, creasing the lines of his blazer.

“I’ve long given up any hope that you lot will ever be on my side,” he replied, his tone a blend of warm anger and icy disdain.

“It’s not like you to give up,” Yennefer remarked. Valdo considered her words carefully. She was a woman of few words but she was sharing them with him which had to mean something. Aevryn wouldn’t send her friend to speak for her, she was braver than that. And, he hoped, she cared for him enough to face him if she was going to end things forever. But hope was a dangerous thing and he’d been made a fool for it before.

“As charmed as I am to see a one-time rival and eternal thorn in my side, tell me what you’re doing here or tell Aevryn she can deliver her messages herself,” Valdo said, the words bolder than he felt, his heart beating rapidly at the thought of Yennefer walking out and taking all hope of a future with Aevryn with her.

“I’m not here for Aevryn,” Yennefer said and then reconsidered and said, “Actually, I am a bit. I wanted to meet with you first. She didn’t want me to, for what it’s worth, but I insisted.”

“It’s rare to meet someone more stubborn than Aev,” Valdo smirked.

“And yet, here I sit,” Yennefer replied, matching him smirk for smirk. He nodded in acknowledgment and gestured for her to continue, eyes slipping to the window every few moments, looking for a glimpse of mussed, rich brown hair.

“What makes you think that things will be different this time?” Yen asked, through with pleasantries.

“Because I’ve decided they will be,” Valdo answered simply.

“Oh well in that case, cheers,” Yennefer said sarcastically, her face unimpressed. Valdo swallowed a litany of crass, passive aggressive responses and leaned forward, emerald eyes meeting violet.

“I was a fucking idiot. I made a mistake. No, not a mistake, a choice. A really shitty choice that I have spent years processing. I went to therapy,” he said this last point with emphasis and Yennefer had to admit (well, not aloud) that it was a good sign. “I have been dealing with the consequences of my actions and I’m making new ones. I’m not going to pretend I’m some fuckin’ saint or that I’m a new man because frankly, darlin’, Aev liked the old one just fine. But I’m a better man in a lot of ways.”

“So you talked to a shrink and had to deal with some consequences and now you think you’re worthy of her,” Yennefer said.

“Of course I’m not bloody worthy of her, who could be?” Valdo exclaimed.

“Well on that we’re agreed,” Yennefer replied, though she couldn’t deny that it was what she’d been hoping he’d say. She knew it was time to uphold her end of the agreement with Aevryn and go get her from the little café across the street she’d posted up at, but she had more questions and she wasn’t going to get a chance like this again.

“You’re a pretty fucked up individual, all things considered. How do you do it?” Yennefer asked.

“What? Be fucked up? Like most things in my life, it’s mostly inherited I s’pose.”

“No, loving. How do you still love her and trust yourself with loving her? How are you not scared all the time?”

Yennefer wasn’t usually this open but Valdo was also probably the only person in the world where she could say this without it getting back to Geralt or Jaskier. And, despite his many, many flaws, he knew how to keep his mouth shut. Valdo thought about her question, eyeing her carefully but holding back the many questions of his own.

“Honestly?” he said, “I am scared. But I also know that I can either be honest with myself about what I want or I can keep trying to drown myself in distractions while the yawning pit of self-hatred that’s been eating me from the inside out grows larger.”

“Well when you put it that way it sounds easy,” Yennefer said.

“Isn’t it?” Valdo asked with a shrug. Yennefer looked back up into his eyes and held his gaze for a silent moment, considering what he’d said and what could happen next. She rose suddenly and nodded briskly.

“Thank you, Valdo,” she said, and walked out without another word.

-----

“I’m just saying it doesn’t make sense,” Jaskier argued, gesturing wildly as he had been for the last hour since Yennefer and Aevryn had gone for some alone time, “You think it’s odd too, right? You must!”

The question as directed at Geralt who grunted noncommittally, avoiding Jaskier’s eyes. You recaptured one of Jaskier’s hands in your own and gave it a comforting squeeze.

“Babe it’s been a weird few days, maybe they’re just getting their nails done,” you said. You looked to Win for support and she looked between you and Jaskier with an uncomfortable, blank expression.

“I mean it’s definitely possible,” she muttered, slipping an earbud in to try and drown out the welling conflict around her.

“Maybe Yennefer is the one who needed the time alone,” you offered.

“No, Aev was crying the other day. Crying, Y/N! She always tells me when something’s wrong and that means it can only be because of that rat bastard Valdo Marx,” Jaskier’s mouth curled into a disgusted grimace as he spat out the name. “But why would Yen be helping? She hates him as much as I do!”

“Maybe we should get something to eat,” you suggested, “Milwaukee has some good places, right Win?”

You sent the question your friend’s way but she was lost in her own world and didn’t hear you, leaving you floundering on your own. You looked to Geralt for help and he nodded before putting a hand on Jaskier’s shoulder.

“Jaskier, you need to eat. You get paranoid when you haven’t eaten.”

You shot Geralt a baleful look as Jaskier began to sputter and pulled his hand away from yours again to punctuate his angry rant with his arms but he still followed as Geralt led them off to find food.

-----

All at once, there she was.

Aevryn. Maybe, if he was lucky, his Aevryn.

She found him immediately, Yennefer having told her where to look though he was a hard man to miss. Even in a crowd she could find him. The caramel colored hair had been swept to the side and the sea green eyes sparkled with excitement. He rose from the table and crossed over to her. She held out a hand as he threw open his arms and they laughed awkwardly.

“Oh this is stupid,” she said, and moved into the hug. He embraced her so tightly she struggled to breathe but the pain was lost in the warm, familiar scent of his cologne. He screwed his eyes shut tight and took his first, full breathe in months. When they pulled back, reluctantly, she wiped a tear out of her eye.

“Stupid,” she laughed nervously again, moving to take a seat which Valdo quickly moved out for her. Once she’d been seated he took his place again and they just looked at each other, hearts beating a staccato duet. She placed her hands on the table and she tapped on it with her fidgety fingers. Valdo placed a hand over hers and it fit perfectly, as it always had.

“So I listened to it,” she began. She noted the way he sat up in his seat and tried to force his face calm but the forest hued eyes were pleading as he nodded, waiting for her to continue.

“It was a fucking mean thing to do,” she said. His face fell and he shook his head.

“Aev what do you… No, I wasn’t trying to…”

“You knew exactly what you were doing,” she insisted. Her words were severe but she didn’t look angry, her eyes holding none of the heartbreak or malice he was unfortunately familiar with.

“Did you, uh, did you listen to all of it? Did you hear Tom-”

“I’ve listened to it 12 times since it released. Half of them crying,” she said. Valdo’s eyes scanned her face helplessly, the whole plan falling apart in his grasp as he held her hand tighter.

“Aevryn I swear to Christ I-”

She pressed a finger to his lips, stilling his words. She felt his tongue lick gently against her finger between the slightly parted lips and she shivered. Her eyes sought his and held the gaze intently.

“It was beautiful,” she whispered. His face lit up beautifully and Aevryn felt herself slip just a little bit more in love with, awed that there was more room to fall for someone who had held her heart since she was a child.

“Aevryn I meant every single word, I l-”

“Oh I think the fuck not.”

-----

Geralt had headed to the best reviewed place in the area, determined to get something in Jaskier’s mouth so he would stop talking for a moment. He didn’t see Yennefer hurry out of the café across the street calling to them. He didn’t think anything of the way Jaskier tensed and then ran for the door. Only when he heard Jaskier yell did he realize what must be happening.

“Fuck,” he bit out, hurrying after his friend.

Jaskier stood before Aevryn and Valdo, chest hurting with all of the emotions it held. Aevryn looked guilty, the picture of someone caught in the act while Valdo sneered at Jaskier, clutching Aevryn’s hand possessively which only fueled Jaskier’s rage.

“Jaskier… please let me explain,” Aevryn began. To other patrons in the shop it looked like a salacious lover’s quarrel, a woman caught two-timing her lover. You reaching for Jaskier’s hands trying to pull his attention away and calm him down only made it look more exciting and more than a few people took out their phones to start snapping photos. A server hurried over.

“Hi, sir? Sorry, you’re going to need to please keep it down,” they asked. Jaskier’s body was taut like a snake ready to strike but he forced himself to be polite to the lady. He glowered at Aevryn who stood.

“Aevryn!” Valdo cried, losing the calm exterior he’d tried so desperately to cling to as she slipped from his hands.

“I’ve got to talk to Jaskier, I’ll be right back, you stay here,” she said, giving him a small smile before turning back to Jaskier who made a disgusted sound and charged back out the door, nearly knocking over Yennefer in the process. You’d heard of people being beside themselves but you’d never seen it depicted so clearly or painfully as Jaskier who paced and seemed so overwhelmed by anger and hurt that he struggled to breathe.

“Jaskier please,” Aevryn began, tears already coming to her eyes as she tried to approach her friend.

“Don’t,” he bit out, “Just don’t… fucking stand there and try and tell me to be calm or to listen or hear that he’s better. Jesus fucking Christ, Aevryn, what does it take?”

“Jaskier,” Yennefer tried cutting in but he wheeled on her, blue eyes flashing with white hot rage.

“Don’t,” he snarled at her and for once Yennefer backed down, stepping aside where Geralt wrapped an arm around her waist and she let it stay there, reassured by his presence.

“How could you do this?” Jaskier asked, “You know what, no, don’t answer because frankly there is nothing you could say to make it ok.”

“I’m not an idiot, Jaskier, and I don’t need you to try and make me feel like one,” Aevryn argued.

“I don’t think you’re an idiot but, fuck, I must be!” Jaskier argued, “I mean, what, how long has this been going on? And I didn’t know! I knew something was wrong but I had no fucking clue. What other secrets are you hiding from me? Were you ever not keeping secrets or have you been lying to me our whole friendship?”

“Jask…” Aev couldn’t form the words, overwhelmed by the pain in her friend’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t mean any of this… I just…”

“Aevryn?”

Jaskier’s eyes darkened to pure anger again as Valdo walked out to the little alleyway you’d all congregated in behind the café. He was looking at her anxiously, worried by the tears in her eyes, so worried he made a beeline for her and didn’t think to glance at Jaskier whose body coiled and launched, striking so hard he knocked them both over. Amid the scuffle he could hear you screaming and feel Geralt’s hands try and seize him but Valdo managed to grapple him and shove him up against a wall, getting in two good punches, one directly into Jaskier’s mouth and the other in his ribs. Jaskier roared and seized Valdo around the throat, constricting his breathing long enough that the man stopped punching and then released him, forcing him onto the ground as he began to strike, punch after punch, heedless of anything but the need to vent all of the anger and pain that had welled in him over the years. Years spent staring at Valdo Marx’s smirking, taunting, heartbreaking face that had the sheer nerve to do it again. And again. And again. All without any way to stop him.

“Jaskier stop!” Aevryn cried, fighting against Yennefer who held her back from joining the fray, “Jaskier please I love him!”

Jaskier’s fist, bruised and bloodied, stilled in the air. Geralt pulled Jaskier off of Valdo who groaned and tried to sit up. Aevryn ran to his side, gently touching his bleeding temple and taking in his eye that was already purpling. There was blood staining his clothes but when she looked back at Jaskier she saw it was his. Valdo’s eyes were trained on Aevryn alone, unaware of anything but the words she’d said, echoing in his mind.

“Jesus, Jaskier,” you gasped as you eyed the blood running from his mouth, one hand holding his ribs. Jaskier stared at Aevryn and she saw the broken look in his eyes.

“You love him,” he repeated, voice raspy from his screaming, sounding tired and defeated. Aevryn nodded, tears filled with regrets and, she hated herself the most for this, some relief. It was out. Not as she’d planned or hoped, but it was all out there. Jaskier nodded, wordlessly, eyes falling to the ground. Yennefer walked to stand by Aevryn and Jaskier looked up to meet her eyes as well. They were unapologetic, but not without regret. He nodded again and scoffed, wincing immediately after and clutching his side.

“We need to get you to the hospital,” Geralt said, eyeing Jaskier’s ribs nervously.

Jaskier wordlessly walked away, not giving a second look back as you and Geralt helped him out to the curb to find a taxi, Roach parked too far away to walk with him. Win stared at you, stunned, and you exchanged confused, hopeless looks. She looked back over at Aevryn who was trying to help Valdo stand.

“Win, go find Roach and drive her to the hospital,” Yennefer said, helpfully offering your friend something concrete to do that didn’t force her to pick a side. She nodded gratefully and set off.

“Did you mean it?” Valdo asked, standing now as Aevryn winced at the black eye.

“Of course I fucking meant it,” she cried. He smiled and pulled her into an embrace that was meant to be celebratory but she only sobbed harder and even he wrapped her up tight, rocking her slightly and humming a comforting song the way he had years before.

“I’m going to make this alright,” he promised, “I love you and you love them, and I’m going to make it right for you. You’ll see, Aev. I can’t do everything but I’d do anything for you.”

-----

Sun had long since set but Jaskier stood in the same position he had since he’d been discharged, one bruised rib and a suspected concussion later. They’d parked Roach back in the same spot they’d arrived to town and he stood outside of the van, arms crossed, staring into the distance. Geralt drummed a restless beat against the steering wheel with his fingers and you sat cross-legged on your seat, feeling helpless. You’d tried to get Jaskier to sit in the van with you but he’d insisted that he wait right where he was. Win was in the far back of the van, headphones in, trying hard to stay above the waves of anxiety and pain that swarmed her from all sides. S

“Jaskier,” Geralt said.

“No.”

“Jaskier,” Geralt repeated, sighing deeply, “She isn’t coming.”

“You don’t know that,” Jaskier replied stubbornly, pale blue eyes fixed on the horizon.

“Babe…,” you began.

“Y/N, don’t, I know my friends. They’re going to be here. Yennefer promised… she said… they’re going to be here,” Jaskier insisted, but you heard his voice crack.

“Aev texted me,” Win said, her voice small but carrying in the terse silence. Jaskier stiffened and you looked hopefully at your friend who bit her lip as she took a shaky breath to continue. “Um, her and Yennefer are getting a ride with Valdo. She said they’ll meet up with us when the van is fixed.”

You reached out an arm to rest on Jaskier’s shoulder but he stayed stock still.

“No,” he said, “No, they’re coming. I know they are.”

You and Geralt exchanged sorrowful looks and didn’t say anything more. Jaskier stood for another three hours as night bled into the early hours of the morning. When the first stretch of dawn began to reach across the sky, he climbed into the car wordlessly and leaned against the side of the van, curling into himself as well as tightly as he could. You closed the door behind him and Geralt stirred Roach to life, briefly waking Win who had fallen asleep. She looked up hopefully and when she saw your tear-filled eyes she reached out a hand and took yours, holding it tight the whole rest of the way as Jaskier stared out the windows, seeing nothing.

[a-secondhand-sorrow]

I can finally see you’re as fucked up as me (so how do we win?)

I love dodie and kleinsen and I have many regrets but this has yet to become one of them. give it a hot second tho it’ll happen

trigger warnings: suicide, suicideal idealation, alchohol mention, depression

***

“You’re just a family friend. Speaking of which, could you mention to your mom I’ve been being nice to you? I need my car insurance payed.”

Jared’s already flinching inwardly at how crass he sounds. It’s not even distancing; it’s straight up dickish. But he makes sure to keep his face the same calculated blank expression as always, and Evan nods, an expression Jared can’t quite read on his face.

But really, Jared knows. He knows he’s not fooling Evan when he says they’re only family friends. He doesn’t even believe himself.

***

Jared’s not quite sure when he became an asshole.

Or, no-he’s pretty sure he’s always had the asshole-ness inside of him. More accurately, he’s not sure what made him share it.

(If he’s honest with himself, he knows damn well what. But honesty has never been Jared’s forté, especially with himself.)

Since he doesn’t care much for honesty, he can just continue on being a dick, without much problem.

He’s already invisible to everyone; no one really cares about him, and he knows they can’t stand him. He can’t even stand himself.

But there’s Evan. Evan, with the patience of a goddamn saint. Evan, who puts up with him being an asshole who blows him off and says he only hangs out with him to appease his parents. Evan, who has never once turned Jared away when he needed human contact.

(Evan, with the most beautiful eyes and glowing personality and infuriatingly nice hair, even though his anxiety may mask it.)

And Evan is all he has, which he’s perfectly fine with because he’d be fine with only Evan for the rest of his life, except for the fact that every time he sees him he screws things up and he knows that one day Evan will be done with his shit and finally leave. It’s a day Jared knows has to be coming, since he’s such a fuckup and he’ll have to wake up. Jared can’t even handle himself. And if Evan ever knew just how deep things went—

He could never know.

So Jared pushed Evan away and kept him at arms’ length with the assistance of “family friends” and cruel jokes. He could almost ignore the pang in his chest every time he saw him frown at one of his jokes or stare at the table during lunch. He could almost ignore the way Evan walked on eggshells around him. He could almost ignore the sleepless nights where he wondered how Evan was, what it would feel like to be able to reach out without letting down his carefully curated veneer.

And that was fine. It wasn’t good, or enjoyable. But it was fine. He was fine.

Until he realized there was nothing else for him, besides Evan. All his middle school friends had ditched him long before when he became too “clingy,” both his parents worked full-time, and he didn’t do anything.

He slapped a crooked smile on his face and sharpened his wit so he’d always have a joke ready to deflect with. He forced himself into seats at lunch tables with barely-even-acquaintances. He broke into his parents liquor cabinet and drank himself asleep.

Words became his weapons as he wrapped himself in humor like armor, wielded his cruelty like a sword, wore a fake confidence to cover all of his insecurities. He was never anywhere but he forced himself everywhere. He didn’t think he was funny but he built himself around his jokes. He was never happy but he was never upset, either.

He could almost convince himself it was all true.

Jared became one hell of an actor.

And that’s...fine.

And if Evan finds him having a panic attack in the bathroom one day because the acting was just too much, he never talks about it.

If Evan, with the tiny crease between his brows as they furrowed in concern, with his hands gripping at his shirt, with his eyes nervously darting to Jared’s but knowing exactly what to do, was the only thing that could actually calm him down, he didn’t think much of it.

If he wanted nothing more than to apologize in that moment, if nothing else, or to lean in and kiss him and feel Evan’s arms wrap around him as panic finally left him, to leave the bathroom hand in hand and never let go, he never said it.

And if he knew, in that moment, that he’d fallen in love, he never let on.

If he bit out an insult about how much of a freak Evan was and how he’d never need help from a loser like him, he’d never admit it.

If he could feel his heart tear as Evan’s eyes watered and his hand dropped and he rushed out of the bathroom leaving Jared to resume his uneven breathing, he refused to acknowledge it.

If he sunk to the floor and dropped his head into his hands and finally let himself cry, for the first time in several years, he never mentioned it.

He told himself all of that, anyway. He never was one for honesty. He could almost believe it, too.

(He never quite did.)

And that’s fine. Even though it’s really not fine...it’s fine.

It’s not good, but it’s normal, and Jared will take it.

Change is just too much.

Senior year is just another step in the road. After senior year, he’s off to college and finally away from the suffocating persona he’s crafted for himself.

And Evan has a broken arm.

Which would be normal, except Jared knows damn well that as much as Evan loves trees he’d never climb one.

Unless he was planning something drastic.

He sees something, something deep within the set of Evan’s shoulders and the depths of his pupils. Something he’s felt echoing in his own mind increasingly, broken and distorted.

But Jared’s one to talk.

It’s almost as though he’s willed it into existence, but a few days later Connor Murphy kills himself.

Hey, loving the new haircut, very school-shooter chic.

When he finds out, he takes the day off of school. Something settled in the pit of his stomach, a dark and writhing shame that felt like a question.

His mother tries to find out what’s making him so sick, but eventually he convinces her to let him stay home alone. She’s against it, and she means well, he knows she does, but for once he really wishes his parents could just say no.

Once she’s gone, he crawls his way out of bed and makes his way through the house with slow, heavy steps. He’s never noticed how filled the house is with pictures, mostly of him as a child, all beaming at the camera with that opened-mouth smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt happy enough to smile like that. He couldn’t imagine ever feeling like that again.

He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. And that’s fine.

He’s in front of the liquor cabinet before he knows he is. Unconsciously, he’s pulling out that bottle of vodka he knows has been sitting there for years, taking a swig that’s probably a little heavier than recommended with an upset stomach.

It’s habit. It’s normal. But it feels different, almost.

Jesus, Connor Murphy’s dead days after you call him a school shooter. You might as well be dead too, huh?

You’re the fucking freak.

He takes another swig out of the bottle, feeling it burn on the way down.

No use being alive when you’re already invisable, right? Who’s gonna grieve you? Your parents who never make sure you’re okay? Your classmates who laugh at your jokes but call you clingy? All the people you torment just because it makes you feel like you have some social standing? The boy you’ve been desperately in love with for three years who deserves way better than a dick who won’t even be seen with him in public?

If this is his life, than living isn’t worth shit.

There’s sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet upstairs. Or he could clear out the liquor cabinet and hope that that’s enough.

Either way, another drink wouldn’t hurt.

He thinks of Evan for a moment. There’s nothing for him but Evan, but he doesn’t deserve a minute of Evan’s time. There’ll be no pain for Evan if he’s gone. The only pain will be what Jared is feeling, and once that’s out of the equation...

He’s interrupted by a knock at the door, frantic and sporadic.

Shoving the bottle back into the cabinet, Jared smoothely makes his way to the front door, hoping he looks sick enough to pass.

All he gets is another wave of nausea while Evan stares up at him, hair disheveled and breathing ragged.

“Oh my god,” Evan says, and it’s only then that Jared realizes Evan’s entire body is shaking. He launches himself at Jared, arms wrapping around his neck. He’s shaking so hard Jared is surprised he was still standing out there.

Without thinking, Jared wraps one arm around Evan’s shoulders while attempting to close the door around him.

They stand like that for another moment before Evan attempted to explain himself.

“I’m sorry, I just, god, I know you don’t want to hear from me and I know you hate me but I’m in a really bad place and I can’t believe Connor Murphy is dead and I feel so horrible because he stole my letter—”

Jared pulls back. now that he can feel Evan becoming steadier, and cuts him off. “Wait, wait, sorry, just—”

“I, um, I had to write letters to myself as a therapy assignment and I was printing one on the first day and Connor saw it and freaked out and the whole thing sounded like a suicide note—”

“What?”

“And,” Evan continues his word vomit. “I think—I think that might have been part of why he’s—oh god.” which is punctuated by Evan dropping his head into his hands.

Jared blinks once, trying to process everything. “Wait, but, why...did it sound like a suicide note?”

Evan doesn’t move, but Jared swears he can hear a sniffle.

“Evan,” and this time, his voice is soft but clear, coercing him into looking back up. “Were you going to...”

Evan’s eyes go wide. “No! Not then. I don’t think. Except,” he pauses, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt. “It wasn’t— it was earlier this year and-I don’t know why I’m here, I’m so sorry, just, bye, I’ll leave—”

“Jesus Christ, Evan,” Jared said, trying to sound just annoyed enough that the affection and worry in his voice would be masked. “What is it?”

“I didn’t fall.” He blurts, and Jared is silenced. “From the tree. This summer. I let go. I...”

Somehow, Jared knows what Evan was going to say. His tone is flat as he fills in where Evan left off. “...felt like you could disappear? Like it would be better if you did?”

Evan nods, not quite meeting Jared’s eyes.

Puzzle pieces start to click in Jared’s brain, even through the fair amount he’d had to drink. “And that’s why you came here. Because you thought that if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to stop.” He was suddenly aware of his palms shaking and stomach turning over, vision tunneling so all he could see was Evan. Evan wanted to die, and it was his fault, at least partially.

Jared could’ve burst into tears. He just managed to swallow the lump down.

We’re just family friends.

Evan’s saying something, but Jared can’t remember what. There’s the bottle of vodka, and there’s the sleeping pills upstairs. They’re sorely tempting, but Evan’s standing in front of him. How could he want to die when Evan is standing in front of him, needing him to save him?

He wanted nothing more, but how could he save Evan when his own brain wanted nothing more than release?

How could he save Evan when he’d been part of the reason for his destruction?

Now it’s Jared who can’t meet Evan’s eyes, and he begins to ask “how did you knows this?” His eyes fall on the hastily hidden vodka bottle and the cabinet which had fallen open in Jared’s haste to get to the door.

Jared scrambled to explain. “I-I just, I was a dick to Connor and I was horrible and he’s—no one cares about me anyway but I’ve still been horrible enough to someone that they killed themselves and—now it’s like, you felt...like that, and it’s just—how can I keep going in like this? I’m just,” he broke off for a moment, choking over his words, “all I do is hurt people.”

“No,” Evan breathes, looking more crestfallen than before. He shoots himself forward again, lips crashing against Jared’s, and the world crashes to a halt just for a moment. It’s desperate and hurried and frantic, but Jared feels that he could smile again, even if this moment is his last with Evan. Or last ever.

There’s a million unsaid things in the air, but somehow in the space of a moment he hears all of them. They’re everything he’s needed to hear for the last seventeen years. I need yous and you’re important to mes and it wasn’t yous and I love yous.

Evan pulls away too quickly, murmuring another no as he buries his face in Jared’s chest. “No. You can’t... I wouldn’t...”

“Oh yeah?” Jared says, voice choked with tears. “How do you think I felt when you said it, asshole?”

Evan laughs a little, a wet, discordant thing, but still reaches up to kiss Jared again. And then they’re both crying, not quite sure how to move forward but desperately grasping at each other to make sure the other won’t disappear.

Those unspoken things hang in the air again, but they ignore them for a moment. There’s an adrenaline rush coursing through their veins, terrifying and intoxicating and suffocating at the same time. There’s only one thing that’s abundantly clear: they’d both been ready to see the end that day. It turned out that this was just another beginning.

Neither is fine, but fine is overrated anyway.

[otomesruinedmylife]

Comparable characters and routes in otomes to Mystic Messenger

Apologies, as this is going to be a VERY LONG POST AND CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!!

So you liked Mystic Messenger but have no idea where to go as far as future otomes. That’s okay! Cheritz did a great job with mysme and if you enjoyed it, you’ll no doubt find someone else in an otome you probably enjoy as well, even if it doesn’t have exactly the same mechanics as mysme. For people new to the otome scene, I highly recommend Cheritz previous games if mysme was your intro to otomes, especially Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ since a lot of the characters are similar counterparts to characters you know.

For this post I’ll be using characters from:

Amnesia: Memories (PC, mobile, PS vita in Japan)

Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~ (PS vita, PS4)

Collar x Malice (PS vita)

Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~ (PC)

Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ (PC)

Norn9: Var Commons (PS vita) 

Ozmafia! (PC)

while trying to spoil the least amount of the actual story as possible (aside from the yanderes/yangires). 

Now before we do this we have to analyze why you liked the character(s) you did. To do this, bringing up some terminology you might have seen or see later that's used in the community to describe tropes/archetypes characters fit under.

The shota is the cute one, the little one. The one you want to protecc at all costs. Shotas come in many flavors (tsundere, yandere, or just plain sweet) but are always the token mini-moe of the game. Yoosung fits this to a tee. If you liked Yoosung, you may enjoy:

Yeon-ho from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ He’s honestly the spiritual predecessor of Yoosung. 

Jieun from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~ More of a kuudere version of this trope, another example of Cheritz heavily leaning on this trope.

Scarlet from Ozmafia! A bit of an inversion of the trope as he’s more than capable of taking care of himself. I’d file him under kuudere shota.

Jiyeon from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~ Initially upon meeting. His route gives you a better idea of where he should fall in this list, but I won’t spoil it.

Senri Ichinose from Norn9: Var commons. This boy needs all the love in the world, he’s had it rough aka. You fucked up a perfectly good esper, you gave him anxiety.

Soh from Ozmafia! initially upon meeting. His route gives you a better idea of where he should fall in this list, but I won’t spoil it.

Nameless from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ though you might find him more of a Saeran predecessor. 

The casanova or Bishonen... you know this type. They’re all about telling you how much they want to protect you and sometimes have an overinflated idea of their self-worth (though usually this is hiding insecurities you find out in their own routes). Mostly a harmless bunch who are surprisingly wholesome once you get past their innuendoes. If you liked Zen, you’ll probably enjoy:

Yuri from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ again a spiritual predecessor from Cheritz. Yuri is flirtatious and rather lewd but might actually be the most harmless of the Nameless bunch.

Ikki from Amnesia: Memories. Like Zen, this dude has his own fanclub. Need I say more?

Itsuki Kagami from Norn9: Var Commons. And how.

Impey Barbicane from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~Though not completely like Zen, he shares similarities enough. Also similar hairstyle lol.

Mineo Enomoto from Collar x Malice. Probably the biggest stretch here, but he leans heavily on the “all men are animals trope” while being both too old looking to be a shota and usually the butt monkey of the cast.

Megane are technically defined by their glasses, but many share the same no-nonsense attitude and often adroit behaviors, though more due to not being good at socializing than anything else. Like shotas, meganes come in many flavors (most often tsundere or kuudere though). This is usually a male-oriented term, but I find this trope to be the closest to Jaehee. Also because of the lack of female love interests in otomes, this group will be primarily male. If you enjoyed Jahee’s route, you might like:

Kent from Amnesia: Memories. Neither dangerous or as kinkiy as he may look, Kent is just a wholesome megane who doesn’t understand how to human and just really loves math. A good boy and a breath of fresh air from the wild ride that is Amnesia: Memories. 

Axel from Ozmafia! Basically the Kent of this game. He’s just a good guy who deserves all the love and sweets in the world. I’d say he’s less of a tsundere due to not being able to emotion, though he has moments.

Pashet from Ozmafia! Finally a female LI! Pashet has striking similarities to Jaehee actually, though not a megane. You might think neko-chan, but she’s actually super competent and kicks ass frequently for her famiglia Boots.

Victor from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~ A good boy, a wholesome boy. I wouldn’t call him a shota, though he’s the closest to a romanceable one in this game. You might also like him if you liked Yoosung.

Lance from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ Though not a megane and more of a tsundere, he shows some of the emotional adroitness meganes tend to have, as well as being super competent.

Jihae from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~ Again, not a megane, but has the politeness and adroitness of a megane as well as showing similar aspects of Jaehee’s personality.

Now here’s where the tropes begin to break down when we look at (arguably) more complex nature of the tropes that make up the stories and personalities of  Jumin, Seven, V and Saeran. There will definitely be spoilers from here on out because we have to talk about what happens in their routes and how we see their character progression from our initial idea of them to after their routes. **Extra note: I can’t really find someone quite like V, though there is a special section for tragic backstory further down in this post.

You should already know what a tsundere is, baka! ~ Though no one initially quite fits this bill as classic tsundere in Mystic Messenger, you definitely see it later from Seven. Traditional tsunderes doth protest too much they don’t like the heroine, and usually call you and others ‘baka” (idiot) while hiding behind a chilly exterior. At some point they usually push you away in their route, often because underneath the insults is a cutie who might have already been broken in the past.

Kuuderes are the cool ones. Like tsundere, they use a frosty exterior to hide a deliciously squishy inner romantic but are less vocal about everyone else being idiots or don’t freeze people out because of intelligence/maturity level. Jumin has traits of being a gap moe kuudere. I’d definitely call him this if I was trying to not spoil the yandere parts of his route for someone. I'm lumping these together, but if you liked Seven because he pushed you away and then got over it (tsundere) or Jumin’s frosty initial demeanor (kuudere), you will probably like:

Shin from Amnesia: Memories. A classic, upfront tsundere. Get ready for the baka.

Takeru Sasazuka from Collar x Malice. Another classic, upfront tsundere. Many much baka.

Jiwoo from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~ Another classic, upfront tsundere. Baka but now in Korean.

Van Helsing from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~ Ah our megane tsundere combo. Van is a little bit of a combination of tropes, but ultimately I’d file him under very mature kuudere/tsundere. Also, call him master in a non-kinky context, he likes it.

Lance from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ Kind of an off-type tsundere/kuudere. He’s called the ice prince for a reason.

Caesar from Ozmafia! Classic tsundere. Also immediately apparent he’s a bit ax-crazy for Fuka.

Akito Shukuri from Norn 9: Var commons. Another classic tsundere. All your baka needs.

Kyrie from Ozmafia! is an atypical tsundere but shares traits of one. He definitely thinks you and everyone else are idiots, but doesn’t so much push you away as wonder why you even like him in the first place.

Normally a term used for girls, a genki boy is full of energy to an almost hyperactive degree. If the people around a genki boy are exhausted, astonished, or even creeped out by their chronic outbursts of vitality, then they probably fit the criteria. Often genki boys are in touch with their feminine side, not hetero and/or found cross-dressing either for fun or plot reasons. If you liked Seven because of his initial spunky defender of justice attitude but didn’t like that he went tsundere on you, you will probably enjoy:

Red from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ A non-tsundere version of Seven and just all around wholesome boy who actually thinks he’s a hero. Also brought to you by Cheritz.

Heishi Otomaru from Norn9: Var commons. Just for the love of god, don’t break the cutie. 

Impey Barbicane from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~ sometimes is also this, though he also shares traits with bishonen/casanovas.

Lupin from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~ Another defender of justice and all around good boy. More mature. Calls himself a gentleman thief and will sweep you off your feet 10/10 times.

Kei Okazaki from Collar x Malice. Also more mature version and less energetic, but shares traits with when you meet Seven initially. He’s quirky and he protecc. He likes weird snacks too.

Dark and troubled past is a pretty obvious trope. Stepford smilers are obsessed with projecting an image of wholesome happiness in order to either be accepted by peers or left alone. The crafted facades of stepford smilers hide a deeply flawed person, usually breaking under the strain of keeping up their deception. They almost always have a Dark and Troubled past, though not everyone with a dark and troubled past ends up being a stepford smiler. If you liked Seven or V because of their tragic backstories and stepford smiling, you might like:

Saint-Germain from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~ Oof, and how. The tragedy cranked up to 11 for this guy. I’d recommend playing his route last of the four because it contains the most spoilers aside from Lupin. And bring the tissues while you’re at it.

Kageyuki Shiraishi from Collar x Malice. Another cranked up to 11, similar to Saint-Germain, just different details. I’d recommend playing his route last of the four because it contains the most spoilers aside from Yanagi’s. And keep those tissues handy while you’re at it.

Actually everyone in Collar x Malice to a degree, it’s just that much worse with Shiraishi.

Ukyo from Amnesia: Memories. Arguably the most tragic of all the characters on this list, Ukyo is without a doubt a tear-jerking finale to the game. Not to be confused with Ura Ukyo also having the classic slasher smile.

All of the dolls in Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ have emotional baggage, but both Yeon-ho and Tei have more due to being secondhand, as well as Nameless, but Tei might be the most since he’s also clearly experiencing reset theory.

Both Robin Hood and Hamlin from Ozmafia! are pretty tragic. You find out why on their routes.

It's never hinted during his route or others, but Kyrie from Ozmafia! is probably the most tragic of all, you just don’t find out why until fully completing the game. Also, you are a monster if you end up preferring Kyrie’s normal end.

Senri Ichinose from Norn9: Var commons fits this, though lacking the stepford smiling. You get to find out in his route how they broke the cutie.

Jisoo from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~ has a pretty sad story, but Jihae’s is equally if not more tragic.

If your fav is the guy with the best lines in the game, you probably like the deadpan snarker and might want to look at the tsundere options, as they usually have the most cutting wit and tongues. But if you liked Vanderwood’s cameos or Jumin for his lack of tsundere, you might enjoy:

Kyrie from Ozmafia! And how. The crowned king of deadpan snarking on this list.

Tei from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ It’s mostly Yuri on the receiving end of his snark, though others do find themselves victim at times. And yet he’s still called Prince Sunshine...

OKAY BIG HUGE MAJOR SPOILERS AND TRIGGERS HERE!!!! IF YOU DONT WANT SPOILERS OR TRIGGERS HERES A SIMPLIFIED LIST: Non-spoiler list if you liked Jumin’s route (YMMV):

Tei from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~.

Toma from Amnesia: Memories.

Kageyuki Shiraishi from Collar x Malice.

Non-spoiler list if you liked Ray’s route (YMMV) because of break the cutie and/or dating the enemy tropes:

Yeon-ho from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~

Ukyo from Amnesia: Memories.

 Nameless from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ 

Caesar and Hamlin from Ozmafia!

Natsuhiko Azuma from Norn 9: Var commons.

Kakeru Yuiga from Norn9: Var commons. 

NOW ONWARD TO THE YANDERES!!! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED :)

Yanderes are people who will kill for the one they “love” and are obsessed with, going even so far as to stalking, drugging, trapping, raping or even killing the MC so no one else can have them. People tend to either love them or hate them, as they are usually the more complex characters of the games, but it can be hard to see the good aspects of them when they’re busy well... doing yandere things like locking you up, drugging your drinks for your own good or trying to kill your friends because of their obsession with you.

Yangires are often mistakenly lumped in with yanderes and to add ot the confusion, some yanderes can seem more yangire or even vice-versa if they were already a bit ax-crazy to begin with. The main defining feature is that yangires lack the love aspect behind their killing to be a real yandere. These characters are ax-crazy and ready to snap at a moment's notice (or already have) and start killing the cast. Up until his route, Saeran would have been considered a yangire, though now with his route that’s obviously changed.

I’ve divided these into two catagories: minor yanderes (one bad end or situation) or major yanderes (a pervasive running theme in their route,  particularly violent ones and/or yangire-like ones, sadists, etc). I will also list the minor yanderes bad ends so anyone who wishes to avoid them can! Stay safe and don’t get triggered!!!

Minor Yanderes:

You (to Yeon-ho in Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~). You can become the yandere in his Bad end 1: Unforgiven doll.

Ikki in Amnesia: Memories. Bad end 2: “I’ll get rid of those who hurt you.” Situational. Ikki shows his yandere really only once in this end, shadowed eyes and all.

Yuri in Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ Bad end 2: Triangle. I’d still argue this is more Tei’s fault than Yuri being an actual yandere.

Heishi Otomaru from Norn 9: Var Commons. Bad end only. Situational yandere. Oof, and here I thought he was just a good boy.

Sakuya Nijou from Norn 9: Var Commons. There’s a minor unavoidable yandere moment in his route but he’s mostly just obsessed with Mikoto as some kind of savior for him. The obsession is apparent, but he’s a relatively non-dangerous version and barely deserves to be on this list.

Major Yanderes & Yangires:

Tei from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~. Jesus Christ, this guy so much. He’s probably the biggest yandere I’ve ever seen played to the trope and makes Jumin Han look like a vanilla amateur version. Completely wonderful wholesome exterior with darkness lurking below that only Yuri seems to notice. This guy gate crashes all the other LI’s in Nameless besides Lance’s bad endings at least once and makes them worse. Major trigger warning: Most of the bad ends involving him contain violence due to him. Honestly, so many a detailed list is silly, but the worst probably being the implied non-consensual sex in his Bad end 3: My owner.

Toma from Amnesia: Memories. Toma is probably the male yandere trope holder as most people know about the cage, which he did years before Jumin Han. A classic yandere, he’s obsessed with the MC so much he completely overlooks that she likes him. Expect all the classic yandere elements: childhood friend, drugging, caging, violence and rape-y comments but he just really loves you, okay??? Major trigger warning: A few of the bad ends in Amnesia: memories involving him contain violence due to him, especially his route and the unavoidable violence in Shin’s route. He stretches over into other people’s routes via bad ends a few times too, but the worst probably being the implied non-consensual sex in his Bad end 2: “We’ll be together forever.”

Yeon-ho from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~  is a good example of when a shota gets obsessed. He’s upgraded from minor yandere because he’s pretty goddamn obviously obsessed with you and while seemingly not particularly violent, he shows he is capable of it in Bad end 2: Competitor. To be fair to Yeon-ho though, you really need to watch out for Tei more.

Saint-Germain from Code: Realize ~guardian of rebirth~. Unfortunately, you can’t avoid the yandere in his route, though I’d mostly consider him a situational yandere depending on how you look at it since he’s following orders. However, he does make a few offhand comments in other routes that firmly put him in the major yandere category regardless.

Jisoo from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~. Classic yandere in his bad end. Shows yandere traits throughout his route, though maybe less extreme than most on this list. 

Kageyuki Shiraishi from Collar x Malice. Again more situational than anything else and technically a yangire stepford smiler in other routes. Once this aloof boy likes you he’s pretty stuck on you for reasons that make sense. You can’t avoid the yandere in his route (it’s both good and bad ends) but it’s waaaaaay less creepy in the good one. Also his later bad ends are BAD. Hell, his good end is bad. Dear god, please just give this poor guy a break already.

Robin Hood from Ozmafia! Is a low-key example of this, but not for Fuka. I’ll let you figure out why. Major trigger warning: It’s debatable his route contains non-consensual sex.

Nameless from Nameless ~the one thing you must recall~ Think precursor to Saeran. Got it? Okay now play his route again to find out why.

The Wizard from Dandelion ~wishes brought to you~. Though not a playable character, it's obvious once you play through at least one route of Dandelion he’s obsessed with Heejung. It all comes to a tragic culmination in the final end of Dandelion you get from finishing all routes in the game.

Ukyo from Amnesia: Memories. Ax-crazy Ura Ukyo unfortunately puts Ukyo’s route firmly in the yangire category rather than yandere, as Ukyo himself is pretty wholesome. He kind of reminds me of V, honestly. And not just because of the photography thing. He gets a bad rap from anyone who doesn’t properly finish the game because of his ura side, but boy the explanation for why he kills you over and over again is one of the saddest routes I’ve ever played.  Major trigger warning: Most of the bad ends in the entire game not involving Toma being yandere involve Ura Ukyo pretty much flat out killing you. Honestly, so many a detailed list is silly, since there’s multiple for each guys route iirc.

Ron Muraboshi from Norn 9: Var commons. Jesus lord have mercy I was not expecting this one. For all of his nonchalant attitude about everything, Ron might be the worst offender on this list. Not presented as a classic yandere as I am firmly convinced no one in the game or playing it actually likes Ron, his route devolves into some extremely problematic shit with yandere elements. His route is a relationship is based on obsession, abuse, and Stockholm Syndrome and even I felt icky after playing it, but his alternate bad ending (purple) is the worst IMO on this list because it's arguable he still sees you as disposable, while at least real yanderes cherish their object of affection. Also that 9 year age gap between him and Nanami… yikes.

Anyway, that's my list and character analysis of the otomes I’ve played so far! Hope you enjoyed it and feel free to leave me any asks or comments.

Also if you’d like to know who my personal favorites are, they are: Jumin Han, Seven, Ukyo, Tei, Saint-Germain, Kyrie and Kageyuki Shiraishi. And after reading this I bet you now know why. Just don’t make me pick favorites among my husbandos, they might kill me if they find out ;) 

[unpickingthetangles]

All the questions in personality for Douglas and Hadrien (I have a feeling the "how others view them" questions will be especially fun for Hadrien lol)

Thank you so much for the ask!! Let me get right to it! 

P: Personality

1. what is their best personality trait?

Douglas: Dougie is a naturally compassionate man. It is sometimes to his determent, as he will act without thinking it through, (like buying Hadrian a house. That was not well received.) Although he is unaware of it in himself, he is also far more forward-thinking and open minded than his peers because of that compassion. He was the one that championed Navid’s career in the Fleet. If he was ever called to it, he would put in his support to desegregate the hospitals in the city of Albrunda. Douglas’ thesis paper for his final year of undergraduate study at the Fleet Academy was the fallacy of banning hundreds and hundreds of books under Loyalist Law. He failed that paper, and it is only because of his mother’s influence that he was able to get that decision reversed. He knew he was going to fail that paper and did it anyway because he knew it was an issue that needed to be addressed. Compassion with conviction, that would be Douglas. 

Hadrian: His acceptance of other’s lifestyles and their choices. Hadrian is in no position to judge other’s for mistakes. He is also very well traveled (by the time he is 35), so he has been exposed to every culture in Everlied from the poorest person to the heights of Princess Sabine of Unger. He also grew up in the Oar District, which was a well peppered soup of different cultures and disenfranchised citizens. He isn’t perfect, there many things other people do that he does not understand, but he does know that not understanding does not equate to a right to disrespect them. Lotti for example. She stayed with an emotionally abusive man for decades and Hadrian does not judge her for doing so, he is only proud that she is ready to leave. 

2. what is their worst personality trait?

Douglas: He will sometimes become that stubborn, foot-stomping, spoiled brat that family heirs are all expected to be. There is nothing in the world that Douglas could ask for and by that afternoon, it would be handed to him on a silver platter. This applies to physical things like new clothes or an entire house in the oldest and one of the most expensive districts in the city. It also applies to more intangible things, like wanting Hadrian to come on vacation with his family at a moment’s notice and pitching a fit when Hadrian can’t leave work for a week without starving. For example, Douglas lies to Hadrian and says he is having a little family trip to the capital for the New Year holiday. He knew if he told Hadrian that it would actually just be the two of them enjoying that stay, Hadrian would get cold feet and come up with an excuse. The lie was justified in Douglas’ mind because it was something he wanted and he knew best. (My boy might be a compassionate saint sometimes, but he has his faults.) 

Hadrian: There is a duality in Hadrian’s personality. He is both extremely selfless and endlessly selfish. The line is drawn in how close he is with the other person. If, say, a stranger needed a place to stay because they got sick, couldn’t work ,and got evicted, Hadrian would offer up his apartment for as long as it took to for this stranger to get back on their feet (which he does several times while living in the city). Then there are his friends like Redblum and Robina, two people who genuinely loved Hadrian at some point (like family and in a romantic sense, respectfully.) And yet Hadrian’s low self esteem allowed him to believe that leaving him behind as he moved on would not hurt them. Why would they care if he left? People are always better off without him (he believes this in a more abstract sense, but you get the picture.) This destroys Redblum, who takes all that anger and abandonment and becomes one of the most notorious sky pirates in Everlied’s history. His main goal? Killing off Douglas Blue. He even succeeded in killing George Blue in his attempts to get at Douglas. Hadrian responsible for that, because he was too selfish to stay. 

3. what of their personality do others love?

Douglas: There is a serenity that surrounds Douglas, despite his own anxiety and shyness. One could sit with Douglas in a private library, reading all day and drinking tea, and not feel at all pressured to speak. Sharing a dinner with Douglas wouldn’t require any need for small talk, or any conversation at all if one wanted. He is more soft-spoken that other men his age, more gentle in the way he approaches people. It is what attracts Hadrian the most to Douglas. He doesn’t have a bad word for anyone, wouldn’t want to speak ill of even the worst people. He inspires others to be better, softer in heart, and more understanding. 

Hadrian: This was answer partially above, but there is a minutiae to his engaging personality. Hadrian always listens to people when they speak. Hadrian will come off as deeply empathetic to another’s problems, no matter how small and no matter how emotionally removed he is from the issue. Douglas phrases this as, “You spend time with Hadrian and walk away feeling like everything wrong in the world can be undone.” Hadrian is also a very forgiving person-- too much so, sometimes. Gretchen is an excellent example. Navid hires her because she doesn’t believe Douglas is capable of capturing Hadrian by himself, so Navid goes out and hires an assassin to do the job for them, then Navid can swoop in and claim the glory herself. So Gretchen shows up and beats the ever-living shit out of Hadrian. The only reason she doesn’t do away with him right then and there is because Hadrian gets a stupid moment of luck. But afterwards, after Gretchen loses her arm and can’t return home, Hadrian forgives her and treats her like nothing happened. ‘You were just doing your job, I understand it wasn’t anything personal’, that kind of deal. Of course Gretchen is all “??????”. 

4. what of their personality do others envy?

Douglas: His resolve. (To be specific: he does not know he has this trait, and it is more obvious in his 30′s.) Take his spoiled stubbornness, compassion, and how deeply broken he is in his later years, and you get a man of 35 who has long ago stopped taking shit laying down. Despite the fact that they sometimes antagonize each other, it is his camaraderie with Commander Navid Mosse that brings out this sense of ‘actually, you know what, fuck you’ in Douglas. In example, how she came to join the Fleet: Commodore Douglas Blue stood up in a courtroom filled with hundreds of people ready to hang Navid for treason and told off seven of the highest judges in the land. This might seem like he contradicts his shy nature and inability to speak ill of other, but it doesn’t necessarily. It is the sense of compassion with conviction cutting through Douglas’ other inhibitions. He stood up in court to defend her because it was the right thing to do. To others around him, Douglas Blue is a walking monolith of ideals and principles. While Douglas believes he is a marshmallow man trying his best to do what is right. 

Hadrian: Hehas an innate ability to put others at ease very quickly. He’s got the kind ofnatural, rolling, unabated sense of humor that knocks walls down. Hadrian’s laugh and ease with others hits a unsuspecting person like five shots of whiskey. Itdoesn’t work with everyone, naturally. Douglas’ father hates him from the firstmoment and that doesn’t change over ten years. But Hadrian is phenomenal withthe the lonely and alienated. The way he carries himself, the way he speaks, itis as if he is one’s oldest friend. Within an hour of knowing Hadrian, mostpeople think they just made a true friend. Douglas is especially envious of this ability because he is so shy. 

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

Douglas: He wishes he could manage his emotions better. While others will look at him and see a perfectly calm individual, on the inside Douglas’ emotions are in riot. The Gillidianens are proud of their military forces, and the Loyalists specifically use military-glorifying parties to boost support. That means Douglas has to attend several parties a year with his peers and he hates every minute of it.  When he was younger, it was easier to stay to the wall and watch others have a frolicking good time. Now that he is a celebrated Commodore, he can’t keep to himself. If he could change one thing about himself, it would be the ability to feel comfortable in a crowd of people. 

Hadrian: Hadrian is not the most introspective person. If he lingers on a negative thought for too long he will collapse in on himself out of guilt. So to answer this I will have to focus on what he doesn’t like in others. He will not stand for people who have to dominate another person to feel powerful themselves. Bullies, essentially, in all their forms piss Hadrian right off. It may take him a while to tell that person off (see: coward), but when he does it will be a wave of righteousness unabated. Thank you so much for the ask! You’re the best! 

[quarra]

Ficlet Challenge Prompt

Yo. Tagging these folks because IT CONTINUES: @kat-atomic @tinybearswithjetpacks , @brooklynbetty, @mariastill    plus @colorcoated01  because they seemed interested. Also, I credit @needmorefiction  with Steve’s opinions on pants.

So, I dug up a little more time, and here is Part Two of the Sloth Prompt. This has even more crack and more pining. Also, a great deal of swearing. Poor, poor Bucky. It’s a little long, so again, it’s under the line.

After all, how bad could it be?

Turns out, pretty fucking bad.

It had only been three days and already Bucky was contemplating a life of intrigue as an internationally wanted fugitive and assassin. Because anything was starting to look good compared to dealing with Steve’s fucking lazy ass.

“Buuuuuuuuuck, the TV remote is really far away!” Steve yelled from the living room.

Bucky paused in picking up yet another pile of wrappers from the hallway to bang his head against the wall. Not too hard, because if he broke through the drywall and had to clean up after that too he really might actually shoot himself.

“What’s your fucking point, Steve?” he yelled back.

“Help!”

Steven Grant Fucking Rogers, folks. Mr. I Don’t Need Help With Anything. Mr. I Can Storm The Base All By Myself. Mr. I Can Making It On My Fucking Own.

But he needed help getting the TV remote. Because it was too far away.

Fuck the bullet to himself, Bucky was going to fucking shoot Steve.

Just as he was pulling a knife and trying to convince himself that he wouldn’t really do any damage to Steve, he’d just scare him a little, Jarvis interrupted.

“Sgt. Barnes, Mr. Wilson is on his way up. He said he’s bringing dinner.”

“Thank god,” Bucky said quietly.

Whatever twisted gnarl of mistrust and frustration he once had with Sam, it had all melted away under the stress of the past few days. The man was a damn saint, and Bucky was ready to fucking kiss him in relief every time he showed up. At this point, Bucky didn’t even care if it was only for Steve’s well being, because the sad remnants of Bucky’s sanity and temper had long since frayed away under the sheer weight of Steve’s laziness.

It didn’t seem that bad at first. So Steve would lie around. Big deal. The guy needed a break. But it turns out, Steve was willing to get up just long enough to make the largest mess possible, and then he’d collapse back into the couch or his bed.

The more charitable, patient side of Bucky thought that this might be Steve fighting off the effects of the spell. He’d muster up enough motivation to get some food, or something to drink, or another blanket. Then the spell would push back with force, and crush his will once again. But it never lasted for more than an hour and then Steve would be up wandering around again, dragging ass all over their floor.

The part of Bucky that had to deal with Steve licking whip cream off of the arm of the couch just because he was too tired to get a plate and didn’t want to get his hands covered in whip cream, that part was ready to fucking murder something.

Not to mention that stumbling across that scene had done Bucky no favors. He had been frozen solid watching Steve lick slowly at the mound of white fluff for a solid five minutes before he realized what the fuck was happening.

Luckily, rage and irritation did wonders for repressing his libido.

“Hey there, Steve,” Sam called from the other room. “How’s it goooOH MY GOD, really Steve? Really?”

Bucky took a deep breath and tried not to grind his teeth. Sam must have just walked in and seen the other thing that was driving Bucky to distraction. He steeled himself, grabbed the bag of trash he’d been collecting, and made his way into the living room.

Sam was standing with his jaw dropped and eyes wide, taking in all of Steve’s gloriously naked form on the couch.

“What?” Steve asked innocently.

Deep breaths, Bucky thought to himself. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to not think about killing Sam for taking a good long look. Then he had to remember not to take a good long look himself.

“I know you two are close friends and all, and maybe things were different back in the 40’s, but dude. Pants. Please put on some pants. Or a blanket.” By this time Sam was studiously looking at the TV, take out bags held in front of him like a ward.

“I keep trying,” Bucky said with a sigh. He walked around the couch and dragged the couch throw blanket back over Steve’s lap, confident that Steve would be too lazy to move it for at least the next fifteen minutes.

“Pants are a tool of the oppressor, Sam.” Steve looked perfectly serious. Anyone else might have been fooled, but Bucky had known Steve since he was a sneaky little bastard with light fingers. He could smell a rat.

“You’re not serious,” Sam said flatly. “Are you? I mean, yeah, clothing kinda is a way people have kept up class divides, but---”

“He’s fucking with you.” Bucky grabbed a wet wipe from the stack of them on the end table and proceeded to attempt to get the latest collection of food debris off of Steve’s mouth.

“Hey! Buck. Bucky! Stop! Buck--- I mean it!” Despite all of the protests, Steve only put up a token resistance.

“Like a fucking child, I swear to god,” Bucky grumbled as he walked off, grabbing the take out bags from Sam and setting up them at the table. “If you could wipe your own damn face you would, so until then I will whether you like it or not.” That last was said at a yell. He pointedly didn’t look at Sam, sure in the knowledge that he was probably laughing at them.

Deep breaths. This isn’t Steve’s fault. It’s the spell.

“Seriously though, Steve. Really?”

“There was this thing on youtube. Looked kinda cool, so I kept watching. And did you know that youtube has an auto play option? You just…click something and then it’ll just keep going! You don’t even have to touch anything!”

This was how Bucky had found Steve at four am last night, watching endless rounds of cat videos. That was still better than the night before, when Steve had gotten up in the middle of the night and started watching a news comedy skit. Apparently that led to five hours of news parodies.

One would think that being afflicted with Sloth meant that Steve would be sleeping the whole night through. Seems that all it really meant was that he slept on and off throughout the day, only to be restless at night. He always waited for Bucky to be asleep before he wandered off.

The first few times he did this, Bucky ignored him. Steve wouldn’t go far, probably couldn’t go far, and Bucky had needed the rest after cleaning endlessly all day. But the five hour news stint had gotten Steve so upset that now when he got up at night, Bucky got up with him. Losing a little sleep was definitely better than seeing Steve get all bent out of shape over injustice, but unable to do anything about it.

Bucky finished setting the table. He made sure to leave out a lot of extra napkins.

“Dinner time, Steve. Get your ass up if you can and get over here so we can eat.”

“Why even bother, dude?” Sam asked. “Is it really worth the effort to get him to the table?”

“YES! You tell him, Sam!” Steve said excitedly from the couch. His momentum carried him just far enough to raise a fist in celebration, but then he sank back down into the cushions.

“Have you seen him fucking eat?! I can at least put a goddamn drop cloth under the table and I am not cleaning up more sauce from the couch cushions. Especially since SOMEONE won’t move off of them for me while I’m cleaning it up! Like a fucking zoo in here, swear to god.” Bucky rubbed his hand over his eyes and debated about seeing if Stark had some super soldier aspirin somewhere.

Both Steve and Sam started chuckling, though Bucky’s glare cowed Sam into silence.

After a moment, Steve’s laughter dropped off too. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence passed and then Steve asked, almost timidly. “Um…Bucky? Could you, uh. Help me to the table?” Bucky could see him grab his hair in frustration and he growled a bit. “I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just. I’m really fucking tired.”

All the anger and frustration melted away and Bucky dropped his head to stare at the floor. His heart bled a little. None of this was Steve’s fault. He couldn’t help it. Wouldn’t put Bucky through all this if he had a choice.

“Sure, pal. Anything you need.”

He went over and helped Steve up to standing, pulling an arm over his shoulder and tucking in the blanket around his waist. Steve sighed miserably. “I’m sorry, Buck. I hate this. I’m such a miserable piece of---”

“Hey,” Bucky interrupted. “None of that. This is just a bit of a rough spell. You’ll be right as rain soon enough. Now come on. Let’s get some dinner.”

Steve hung his head and nodded, and they made their way over to the table. Before they could sit down though, Steve tugged at Bucky’s shirt.

“I. Um. Could you.” He winced and heaved a big sigh.

Understanding dawned on Bucky. “Need to hit the restroom?” Steve nodded. “No problem. Let’s go do that now. But seriously, Rogers, I ain’t holding your dick for you. That’s on you.”

Steve looked up at Bucky, a sly smile on his face. “You sure, Bucky? I’d let you hold my dick any day.”

Bucky almost fucking dropped him on the ground.

What the hell.

“Wait, what?” His whole brain crashed and burned under that statement.

Sam snorted next to them. “Seriously, Steve? That’s how you wanna come out to your best friend? With that line?”

Bucky floundered, jaw agape.

“Eh. Seemed like a lot of work to keep it under wraps, you know? Lot easier just to say something.” Steve shrugged.

There were words Bucky wanted to say. Somewhere. But nothing came out. He couldn’t even fucking breath. What the fuck just happened?

“Dude. Are you actually telling me that you’re too lazy to pine?” Sam looked both appalled and impressed.

Steve just shrugged again, and then looked at Bucky. “Well?” It was said casually, but Bucky could hear the thread of fear in the statement. Could see the anxiety that couldn’t quite twist up Steve’s frame, despite its best efforts.

Bucky panicked.

He shoved Steve at Sam and was down the hall and out of the apartment in seconds. The last thing he heard before the door shut behind him was Steve say, “Well, fuck. He left before I could use the bathroom, too.”

--

To be continued...