#fuck you! its my blog I get to share my fucking shitty experiences.

[springysprongy]

Hi hello! Im fucking pissed at a certain situation. An artist I love is going through a lot of anon hate

And I just wanna post this here!

I was a victim of hate! Not just normal hate! But a guy who would make 20 different accounts to call me slurs, invalidate me AND tell me to off myself!

If you are doing this, get some fucking help.

This shit ain't okay. Y'all are the most VILE PIECES OF SHIT if you harass anyone in general. But especially people who are vulnerable. If you tell someone to kill themselves in a throw away account or behind an anonymous mask, you are a spineless piece of shit!

Here's some screenshots of my situation that happened a year ago and still affects me.

I had to change my name, change accounts, close off anon asks for a long while and close my fucking dms. This shit ain't FUCKING COOL. If you have to bring others down to make urself feel superior, you are nothing but a pathetic piece of shit.

[michealscorneroftheinternet]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I just personally wanted to say that despite the first half of this year being really shitty for me I couldn't be more happy for making this account and finding this community I've come to grow so attached to.

You all have been so kind, supportive, and damn well patient for my ideas.

I couldn't be any more grateful.

I look forward to this new year and hope you all continue to enjoy what I have planned. It may be slow cooking but I promise you it's worth it.

A special thanks to all the new friends I've made this year as you guys are the bestest friends I could have and I look forward to spending time with you all more in the future.

@theartistisme43

The fact we started talking because I needed help in figuring out how to retexture models still baffles me to this day. I couldn't be more grateful I reached out to you. I look forward to creating more stuff with you this new year.

@selfshippinglover

We met because one night you decided to go through my entire blog and repost each post of mine with such loving words (in all caps no doubt) that it made my damn heart melt. I couldn't be more happy I decided to reach out because now we are best fucking buds but you also helped in growing my friend group even more with-

@dorriostareyes

My bud my co-writer and co-creator of some of the most spiciest of AU's out here on Tumblr. You and I share such similar minds on characters it is sometimes just a tad bit scary how in sync we are with each other. I continue to look forward to our partnership with Change in Script and seeing what our devious brains can cook up.

@minerpore

You are the fucking damn near sweetest person I've met and not to mention funny as hell. Each conversation we have is an absolute delight and getting to ramble about the SMG4 Undertale AU shit is always a fun filled experience.

@alexandrarice113

The fact we even talk to each other at all still blows my brain out of its noggin. You're an amazing artist and getting to talk to you about literally anything is just purely amazing. I continuously look forward to talking to you and seeing what artwork you make.

And with that all said I once again wish you all a Happy New Year!

[itgomyway]

former limiting beliefs i used to hold and how i let them go ♡

(disclaimer: these are based off of my own experience! share yours on your own blog 🥰)

“the 3d HAS to reflect the 4d just understand you have it in your 4d no matter what.” um there is no separation between the 3d and 4d when you are already 1 being (consciousness). theres no need to live in a separate entity known as imagination when its the same as the “3d” anyways. the concepts of “imagination” “physical world” or “3d” are just false forms of consciousness youve made up and personified it as real. they are not. only you are.

“the more you repeat your affirmations the more likely they will come” theres nothing to “do” or say that will bring me my desires since i am everything i already am my desires. the idea of “doing” anything to “get something” outside of me doesnt make sense when its all in me. affirmations can be used to “bring things to your awareness” but understand the affirmations themselves are STILL not bringing you anyway. just making you aware of things.

“dont check the 3d! you’ll be in a state of lack/showing yourself you dont have it!” PLS GIVE ME A BREAK?? why the fuck are you telling urself you are with someone but afraid to check their socials or for their notifications? either date someone u like or you dont think you have it. because lets be honest. if you really were in a relationship with your desired person the idea of “checking the 3d”- which u already claim IS your 4d- shouldnt be an issue. and if it is then something aint right but i wont judge!

“youre in a state of neutrality if you dont care ab not getting your desires and you dont have them” damn yall strict asf. you cant even be indifferent without it meaning something. you either have it or you dont. if im indifférent its bc i have it why stress? fucking decide already

“neville taught ab non dualism!” here we go. then why tf did you misinterpret his words like that and make it sound obnoxious? i believe he did, just like his teacher, teach non dualism (the power of awareness by him is great) but his teachings are a far cry from the nonsense most of you spew in his name. and dont even get me started on how neville used to refer to the law of assumption as the “law of consciousness” but i digress. if you separate yourself or any aspects of being then it isnt non dualism.*

going into my next point “you HAVE to read source to understand!!” i am so glad most of the law of assumption community is breaking free from this mindset cuz you infact do not HAVE to read anything. if you are the operant (main) power doesnt this mean you are your own source? oh i thought so…

“work on your self concept to manifest your sp if you dont have them your sc is shitty” well it wasnt shitty til you told me i had work to do 💀. once again there is NOTHING you need to do but “be”. working on your sc can help u feel better ab yourself for sure but its not required!

for supposedly limitless beings, a lot of yall are very limited. be careful who you get your advice from because personally i wouldnt take after someone whos too scared to text their sp- oops i mean significant other. (disclaimer: once again not bashing loa just the users who can’t decide that they believe and switch every other day. very common on law of assumption twitter!)

if you realize youve been limiting yourself this whole time and now youre like “what now-“ well as ive stated before, theres STILL nothing you need to do. youre not missing anything. this isnt a blog on why you dont have your desires, i cant tell you the answer im not your creator. (you also are everything so you in fact have your desires)

like non dualism, i hope to share this way of life with you as you’re not getting anything so theres no need for limitations. LIVE YOUR LIFE. if someone is advising you to fear your own power then ignore them cuz wtf! life is suppose to be fun not a rule book!

*disclaimer: i have nothing against neville goddard. i really like some of his teachings. however i would never go to one of his living students for advice, ESPECIALLY on twitter. not only do most parrot the same limiting beliefs he himself didnt hold, but most are obnoxious about the topic of the law of assumption. i don’t even “manifest” but if i were trying to and had them to go to I’d probably cry. if you really wish to read “source”, read The Power Of Awareness by Neville Goddard and Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 💜 learn from the teachers themselves FIRST <3

© itgomyway

[blorbingqls]

"We accept the love we think we deserve" - seeing this quote in terms of love and control as subjects in Only Friends

With @tomatoland 's brilliant post on TopMew on the above quote here , i think that with 7 eps in, we have understood that love and control are very well linked with ephemerality as a subject.

As i have previously linked epheremality with control here, i would like to talk about how love also makes us lose control with the impermanence of life. This is a long overdue post for 4 eps now.

linking the ephemerality squad here so that you can also share your opinions on this @waitmyturtles @lurkingshan @slayerkitty @respectthepetty @ranchthoughts (anyone else i am missing, pls tag, i really appreciate it)

TopMew

As Tomato (@tomatoland i hope you're okay with that nickname; i really tried to find a name on your blog for you) has referred in their post, Mew left his bubble of insecurities and got his heart broken. Completely legible and correct on his point. Top really loves Mew but now Mew has no reason to believe him anymore. With the play in their power dynamics, both of them loved each other and lost control of the way they wanted the relationship. Yes, if Top and Mew has stuck to their original plans - just reaching to the point of ideality and sex, then, this relationship should have ended after they got their goals. I dont think that sex was a goal for Mew as much as it was for Top, but, we can say it was in the secondary.

But as they fell in love, they, especially Top understood how the love he received from Mew is so much more than he thought he deserves (taking into account his trauma and past experiences). So , even though Mew is projecting his hurt by doing things that literally are asshole-ish as fuck on his accord, Top is willing to let go all of that since even he knows he is in the wrong this time and he is willing to lose all control he has on his life - of fame, money and insecurities in order to have Mew back. Top is willing to be as obsessive as Mew said he would be in a relationship in order to get and accept the love he think he deserves from Mew, even if it won't be good.

But, I also feel, the concept of love as explored in the series so far, not just runs along with TopMew because of the books, but also with all the remaining couples in the show. I won't discuss P'Yo and her partner, CheumApril in this segment, because I want more angles on this from the coming episodes in order to validate my point. But, I'll discuss this point with our other views on the couples: RayMew, TopBoston, SandRay, and BostonNick.

RayMew

Now, RayMew is a pairing that is being enforced on the viewers for the past 3 episodes now and the last episode shows a pretty good view of how as characters, Mew and Ray view each other.

For Ray, his love is unconditional for Mew because it correlates with that fact that Mew was the only reason who made him stay in this world - who made him believe that he deserves the love from his friends, the love which he didn't get from his parents or any potential partners. But potential partners were never in the scene because Mew was Ray's emergency contact. Their relationship runs deep and however much you may think, even if Ray thinks Mew's love for him could be more as a friend, he also believes that because as he is so damn shitty and a fucking burden to society, he can't ask for more from Mew for the sake of their friendship and his esteem. He keeps entertaining the idea of them as partners several times, but, until ep 7, Mew has never entertained the idea that his love for Ray will be any worthy of more than a friend. Because, Mew wants to continue making the boundary and keep the control, according to me.

Now, as Mew has entertained the idea, i am interested how it pans out in the next episode (not very promising tho). just linking this out here because its so fucking interesting.

TopBoston

We will mainly take here Boston's viewpoint since Top gave up on this since the very beginning and became firm with it post ep 3. He gives no flying fucks about the possiblity of it. Top considers Boston to be a one night stand and a one night stand only.

Boston, as has mentioned so many times, considers Top to be top tier; the person who gives him something as close to love because as an Machiavellian prince (refer here) Boston considers Top to be the only worthy competitor in his reign. And he really doesn't care if he hurt others feeling. Mind you, Boston has been the most truthful to himself, maybe not to others. And as a prince, his love speaks volume through keeping them in their reign because ultimately Boston wants power and control in his arena. That's the fucking politics of it. And Top is the only worthy contender who can damage his reign. Hence, he wants the top tier power as much as possible, and only Top can give him that. Him fucking off to America, that can easily happen through Top, because he is a very well known hotel chain owner/manager. So, Boston wants his loves, because he very well thinks he deserves it and he accepts it as much as he can. But, he also knows that for him, he can't make this love into a weakness, because that will be out of his control.

Boston however, as Mew so incredibly pointed out, is gullible. Ray couldn't see through him, but, MEW FUCKING DID. That is why even though Boston didn't consider Mew as his competitor, he was fucking jealous of him because Mew got Top and was chosen over eventually by Top. Mew has the power that Boston didn't think he had, till now. And tbh, Mew is now winning the game, despite his insecurities with his relationship with Top.

THE WAR HAS BEGUN, MY FRIENDS.

SandRay

God, I have so many feeling for these babies. Where to start? Okay so, you know in second episode, Sand built that boundary with Ray regarding friends with benefits? Well, it has backfired on him. COMPLETELY.

As ep 8 preview says, I love how Sand realised the fact that they were never friends to begin with, for even to have made that boundary to make sense. Sand is a pathetic little man, as so many of you have pointed out, but, why is he the way he is?

His incredible nature to be so caring of others around him has made him feel like its his responsibility to take care of everything. His mother, his business, his money and job, his style and even his fucking roommate. Now, Sand is so emotionally attached to this damsel in distress, pathetic burden to society (affectionate) Ray, that even before they became friends, he made Ray his responsibility. Sand has no right to ask for love from Ray, because they are not friends, lest friends with benefits to ask for any care towards himself. But he selfishly asks, for the first time.

Because, as a person who keeps on taking care of others endlessly, it is harder for them to ask for the care and love they expect and deserve from whom they love while keeping their self esteem intact. And for Ray to completely shut him down at that time, and him still following Ray while he was drunk, makes him so much real because you feel responsible for that person. You are their emergency staff, even if they don't consider you to be.

While Ray comes from another perspective itself. He initially wanted to know Sand more as a person, because he is a person who wanted to explore the life beyond what has been given to him. He is a spoilt brat, and when he realised that he can't buy Sand's love, he explored it with him.

But because I think Ray believes that Sand will always be for him, even when he does asshole-ish behaviour (because thats where everyone leaves) he has taken Sand for granted. The backup option. Anything goes wrong with his ideal relationship, he can always go running back to Sand, because Sand has become his addiction.

Apart from drugs and alcohol, Mew and Sand are the only people he can keep coming back to. For Mew, it is only at a cost. At some conditions, only for something personal. While maybe Ray wants explore that possibility with Sand, but he is afraid. He is afraid that Sand will go away. just as Mew did. A person who can only consider him a friend and nothing more. Even if he wants to explore that possibility with both of them, loving them at the same time, he can't make people his priority, because he doesn't know how to do that. Nor does he think he's worthy of it. So, he accepts whatever he thinks he deserves off Sand's love and care.

I am interested to see how it pans out for these idiots once his relationship with Mew falls out. I am concerned for Ray so much. Give him access to therapy and rehab soon pls. Sand and Ray's father I think are going in that direction, with this speculation by @prapaiwife.

BostonNick

Now, our final pair has been the most interesting couple in this show so far. Why do I say that?

Well, for Nick, Boston is one of the top-tier gays. As pointed out by Boston, he likes bad guys. And lets be honest, Boston, most dishonest, cunning bastard out there. So, Nick believes that he will be that gay who lands the top tier dick and fix this problem. Right?

Wrong. Nick very well knows this won't happen. Still he keeps hoping for more as Boston doesn't know how to not be a hypocrite as a prince. He keeps giving some here and there false hope through his actions, not words which makes Nick believe he's special, but he's not. He takes whatever love he thinks Boston gives him, despite him not being his number one, despite Boston cheats on him over and over again. He just wants whatever of love as actions that Boston can give to him because that proves wrong all of his low self esteem. So he accepts whatever he thinks he deserves because he can't ask for more in a bed friend relationship. With Boston's guard so up and his will to leave the country, Nick knows he can't do anything but try to make him stay. Even if that's a 99% chance of not happening. He tries because he doesn't want Boston to hate him. He only wants him to love him. Because for him, thats enough.

The sadness keeps on piling up for these outsider, hard working roommates, doesn't it?

While, for Boston, he is nothing but a rebound from the angst of not getting Top. He wants a serious relationship, and maybe, he does look for it in Nick, maybe not, but he doesn't love Nick. He doesn't love Top either. For Boston, Nick is a toy he wanted to play with.

Because he cares about his reign, his reputation. And, Nick realised that. Hence, Mew contacted him and Nick gave that information to Mew. They will bring Boston down together because Nick somewhere believes he can get him back.

But Nick babygirl, he doesn't love you bub. He doesn't. And, it hurts so much. Because Boston keeps on taking from you, whatever he deserves. And that is your care for him, for granted. He is a leech bub. He is.

Now, how does it all link to ephemerality and control?

Well, love itself is impermanent. It doesn't stay.

The world knows this and still we chase it. And at an age as our characters, we chase love and freedom like anything. In order to gain control. We take up jobs, more courses to learn, experiment with love and relationships, with people because the time is ticking and people say now is the age. We break hearts and get it broken.

As P'Jojo says "This show is Hurt People Hurt People", tell me who hasn't been hurt by love, by control and by living at its time? And also by missing out each of these experiences because you were lonely with your own life and burdens?

We accept the hate and love the life gives us, because this is what we think we deserve out of this. And tbh, these feelings, are never permanent. They keep changing with time, and that's the only thing thats permanent.

Change is the only thing that remains permanent.

[narcpocalypse]

Speaking of that post I hope it's ok for me to send this ask in!

I have some OCs myself that also have NPD(+other PDs as well, like ASPD AND BPD for example) and I was wondering how to realistically portray NPD without unintentionally stigmatizing/demonizing it?

*also some are also POC as well and are my Elder Scrolls OCs also, if this helps.*

Feel free to delete this ask, if you don't feel like answering!

AGHHH MY FIRST ASK!!!!!!!!/pos

Fair warning, this is going to be a LONGGGG ass post and it will mention ableism towards NPDers. I want to make sure I cover as much as possible. If you have NPD and want to add anything, pls do so in a reblog or the comments! I am also super delirious so if what I say makes no sense I'm so sorry 😭

I think a full, completely in depth understanding is the key to not writing something stigmatizing/demonizing. It sounds obvious, but in the case of NPD, there's so much misinformation so I am hoping this post can guide you in the writing process. You never know what little thing can cause accidental mischaracterization.

This is a super important topic for me because honestly, I'm trying to figure out the same as someone with NPD myself, even with all the info available. I feel like there's so much grey area because so much is still unknown about the disorder (fuck the psych system/narc abuse believers). A lot of us have to go from our personal experiences and figure things out on our own, which brings me to my first topic:

Self Diagnosis And The Criteria!!!!!!!!

A LOT of us are self diagnosed, including myself. Whether you're officially diagnosed or not, most of us can agree the DSM5 is booty ass. I bring up self diagnosis specifically because due to the DSM5 being shitty, it's suuuper difficult to get diagnosed or even want a diagnosis. I personally don't want one.

If that's a theme you want to bring up in your work, I would definitely follow blogs here that break down the diagnostic criteria and re-define it in a realistic way. Having this is super important because the DSM5 is MADDD confusing even if it wasn't ableist.

Your characters might resonate with that confusion and even anger. Rage is such a prominent emotion with us narcissists, so its highly encouraged you tap into that. The stigma is so impactful to most of us and personally keeps me hidden.

If you went off the official criteria, you could innocently and accidentally write an ableist trope based off the DSM5. For example, the DSM5 has a very vague and "I do this just because I can blah blah blah and there's a name for it" narrative of narcissists. There's no nuance. They state accurate symptoms but don't accurately explain why we have them. Without context, it makes our intentions ultimately one size fits awful.

Here are some resources that have been super helpful to me!

Some extra specific things I keep in mind when writing my narcissistic characters:

-“Bad behavior” is such an important phrase to emphasize when writing narcissists negative symptoms and being mindful on how you approach the impact. Make sure that phrase is clear, even if they will not redeem themselves and are a piece of garbage. They did xyz because of bad behavior due to symptoms, they hurt john doe because of bad behavior due to symptoms. They make the conscious choice not to change their bad behavior because abc or they make the conscious choice to do better because blah blah blah.

-Depending on what communication style you want two or more characters to have, make sure the outcomes are accurate based off of symptoms. My examples don't explain narcissists as a whole, but they are based off of my symptoms:

Lack of Communication: Increase in superiority symptoms, increase in rage, increase in invalidation and inferiority feelings. Other parties, specifically egotypicals may have a misconception of the narcissist and believe their symptoms are how they really are and can't be redeemed due to stigma. In the situation involving a narcissist however, in my experience when this happens I'm always so confused. Nothing makes sense and nobody is explaining anything to me. I need outside perspective as to why my actions are wrong and lack of communication will sink me deeper into my delusions. Communication is so important coming from the outside perspective to snap me out of my spiral. Lack of communication on my end will cause me to bottle up my feelings, convinced I’m better alone. Not explaining my intentions (or lack there of, to be completely blunt and vulnerable.) to someone I hurt can cause them so much more pain too. I don't want to hurt anyone, and even if I don't FEEL sorry, I can acknowledge I don't want the people I care for to be hurt by my bad actions.

Proper Communication: Honestly in my case, usually the damage I caused isn’t forgiven however rebuilding that trust becomes so much easier accepting that and opening up to the person/people I hurt. The narcissist usually knows they can prevent xyz going forward, and the other party is prepared on how to handle the situation in case it happens again. In my experience, communication is super beneficial in terms of receiving supply too. ESPECIALLY when the other person involved is also a narcissist, they know that pain of not receiving praise/admiration and we can understand each other moving forward.

Other narcissists I encourage you give your experience w this too bc I have seen very diff ones!

-If you want to implement characters who are ableist towards the narcissist, some things I would do are:

Show the narcissists internal monologue after the trauma and put your main focus on their emotions, the ableist person’s actions second. The weight of their words will be shown more in the trauma response, less in the moment (although super important). Focus the context on the narc crash, anxiousness, surprise, grandiosity overcompensation, etc.

Have other characters defend the narcissist, preferably being other narcissists because we are the ones who understand each other the most and back each other up no matter what

Show the importance of proper education and lack of education

Ask yourself how this is relevant to the plot and your character/characters

-Ask yourself, why does/doesn't my character want to be redeemed? Is it a symptom or is it genuine? Do they want to do better but don't recognize it? Why don't they recognize it? What symptoms are holding them back from xyz (social connections, self care etc.).?

Examples of answers to these questions:

My character doesn't want to be redeemed because they are convinced they are justified in their actions. They genuinely believe they did the right thing and need time to get out of that mindset. What's stopping them from getting out of that mindset is the delusion they are stuck in. Working on their trauma triggers can help lessen the blow and onset of psychosis. If they recognize they are wrong, my character is the type of person to crash and have suicidal urges. There is a slow build up before the crash that spirals into madness. What may help is getting supply from their friends/partners reassuring them that recognizing their bad actions are a first step followed by praise for things outside of the situation to bring them back to a solid baseline or narc high.

My character has a hard time socializing because when having an episode of grandiosity, they feel like they are better than everyone and no one is at their level. In episodes of insecurity, they feel like they don't deserve friends because they feel worthless. This is followed by perfectionism and seeking unwanted friendships, only to self-destruct and hurt those around them. Their ego impacts everything they do.

-SHAMEEEE is one of the most important emotions (in my experience) to write about so pls make that an important part of how your character views themselves!

-I know I have been only focusing on negative aspects, but also do highlight the positive aspects. For me, NPD has motivated me to work on myself. It isn’t the healthiest way, but given my circumstance, it is the healthiest I can do right now. Even my most wild and delusional thoughts can lead to great opportunities for self improvement. Thinking I’ll become famous? Gave myself tools to work on my executive dysfunction and be consistent with a project I love. Narc highs are also absolutely incredible. Finding folks who understand me and receiving praise has kept me going. I genuinely feel listened to. Narcissists are some of the nicest people you will ever meet because they know what it feels like to hate themselves. No matter how little empathy some of us have, that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge one another (even if my symptoms make me feel so singular in my experiences/contradict the point of acknowledging others).

More info to represent different kinds of NPDers:

Some common comorbidities are:

Autism Spectrum

Bipolar Disorder

Schizophrenia Spectrum

DID/OSDD

All Cluster B Disorders

Eating Disorders and Addictions

So many of us are autistic. SO MANY. This small survey statistic doesn’t scratch the surface but it’s important to look at!

As an autistic person myself, I feel like a lot of the trauma I faced growing up highly contributed to the development of NPD. I was othered, shunned, invalidated and shamed for just existing. Still am. That made me overcompensate with erratic attempts to be wanted and loved and just acknowledged in any way possible. I want to be SEEN.

If anyone wants an in depth post sharing my experiences with bipolar disorder and NPD I will absolutely do so if asked too!

How NPD affects my gender itself, dysphoria and sexuality:

In my experience as a fat trans man, a lot of my dysphoria is rooted in narcissism, internalized fatphobia and internalized toxic masculinity. I want to be the ideal boyfriend that is praised for existing. My male privilege definitely contributes to that want and I can acknowledge and dislike that part of myself. I expect this certain level of respect for being a man without realizing it sometimes and make sure to hold myself accountable when doing so. My dysphoria makes me feel inferior to other men because I don't "pass" and I feel the need to compete against them. The insecurity is consuming me and I do my best to be aware if I cross any lines.

What I have noticed about gender and sexuality in NPDers is that a lot yall are aroace and nonbinary! Like based off of my survey alone and people I know!

I asked one of my mutuals if it wanted to share his experiences of being a POC with NPD and it agreed!! He wanted to stay anonymous (aka super duper awesomely cool and mysterious) so I’ll just be posting the ss of what he said!

I do not have much to say on the response from my mutual because I feel like what it said speaks for itself and because we've spoken in private about the topic already! If you want to write an Asian character with NPD, this is really useful information!!!! One day I will make a post elaborating on being a POC with NPD myself. But, for now, this will help you understand an experience from an Asian perspective.

I hope this post wasn't all over the place and makes sense, if you have any more questions please ask away!

[lunar-pantheon]

what in the entire whole live fuck is the muppet joker

sorry for the late answer anon i just have no idea where the fuck to start. i know so much about this guy and the rabbit (muppet) hole just keeps GOING dude. i actually started writing a full explanation but since then several archive blogs have popped up like @amuppetreference @the-muppet-joker-archive and @muppet-blackwood . also love their tma flavored additions to the brotherhood. hope this helps <3

im gonna leave what i started writing tho i think its funny, just know i never actually got to even barely scratching the surface

tl;dr an internet freak that i would put on the same level as thecybersmith/human pet guy as far as fuck ass shit hes said but with a quickly growing troll fanbase. I'm also pretty sure he himself is a troll, if not hes just a shitty person with odd kinks that is going through a very severe bout of religious delusion and psychosis. i used to think he was real bc ive met weirdos on his level at cons but some of his recent posts just scream troll and hes quoted infamous tumblr copypastas multiple times

BUT i will make a (brief) rundown with as many tidbits of his lore that i recall off the top of my head. im not gonna link anything because id cry but you can scroll through his tumblr or any of the reddit threads if youd like to dig deeper yourself

His blog

-He goes by Kermit, Joker, Croaker, KJ, etc. His given name is colter but since he doesnt like that name I will call him KJ. I will not however respect him calling it a deadname as if preferring his kin name shared with a frog puppet is the same as the trans experience

-hes been posting relatively consistently since 2023, with one period where he didnt post for 8 months. some ppl use that as evidence that hes fake but girl ive done that like 4 times

-he mainly posts about his internal sexual kin relationship with kermit the frog and the joker, and also misogyny. Also hating horses, and catholocism. I'll get into that.

-He says that he had a previous blog, but had to remake because he upset the furry fandom and they came for his ass. i would say bad excuse but i literally had mutuals who switched blogs monthly bc of kim drama in 2015 so again. idk dude.

The Reddit Post/easter dinner

-this is how i found out about him, my boyfriend showed me a tiktok reading the post and i havent been the same since

-I'm going to say this is all alleged off the bat obvi, i dont actually know if hes behind that too but if he is i deeply respect his ability to control two corroborating sequential narratives on multiple platforms in real time. that shit takes skill

Horses

Catholocism

Homestuck

[resurrection-of-soul]

Flashback | BIOHAZARD 6

Writer: Akira (日日日)

Characters: Koga, Keito

Keito: Oogami! The least you could do is respond! What are you doing on the roof of the bicycle parking lot? I don't know if you're copying Sakuma-san or what, but don't do such strange things! Koga: Hmph. Even though there's a noisy, beaten dog barkin' at me at the moment, this is usually a nice, quiet spot with a lotta sunlight, so it's a nice place to get some sleep! (Wha? My mouth just moved on its own! The hell is with this? So gross!)

NOTE: From here on out, the story sporadically dips between the real world and a dream world being shared by all the members of UNDEAD. To visually separate the two in text, I will be using italics to indicate speech from real characters inside the dream world.

[ For the best viewing experience, please read directly on my blog! ♪ ]

Time: Later that night.

Location: Inside UNDEAD's shared dreamscape.

Koga: (…...) (…Nn? Huh?) (No way, mornin' already?) (The sun's so damn bright... Guess the pills they made us take for the experiment made me fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.) (I just closed my eyes n' the whooole night's already gone just like that, huh? Feels like I barely got any sleep.) (Wait, hold on? Even if it's mornin', ain't the sun way too bri— Huh!?)

Koga: (The hell!?) (Where the fuck is this? Didn't I fall asleep in that ryokan-like room...?) (Why the hell am I suddenly outside? This makes no sense!) (And, wait, huh? I can't move a muscle!?) (Is this sleep paralysis or somethin'? I don't understand a fuckin' thing!)

Keito: ...Oogami!

Koga: (Ah, this voice is…!?)

Keito: You there? Get down here, we need to talk!

Koga: (It's Hasumi-senpai— I mean, that shitty four-eyes, ain't it? Damn, you're still wastin' that nice, clear voice of yours on spoutin' bullshit like always, huh!?)

Keito: Oogami! The least you could do is respond! What are you doing on the roof of the bicycle parking lot? I don't know if you're copying Sakuma-san or what, but don't do such strange things!

Koga: Hmph. Even though there's a noisy, beaten dog barkin' at me at the moment, this is usually a nice, quiet spot with a lotta sunlight, so it's a nice place to get some sleep! (Wha? My mouth just moved on its own! The hell is with this? So gross!)

Keito: Who are you calling a beaten dog? Bastard, learn how to speak to your upperclassmen properly. Though, I suppose it's better than being weirdly hung up on formalities. And…hup.

Koga: Woah, you just casually got up on the roof like it's normal. Even though you're a monk who's always actin' like an honor student, you're surprisin'ly rowdy, huh?

Keito: Heh. I might seem straitlaced now, but I used to be a problem child who would climb up into the rafters in the main hall and kick the Buddha statue without permission, and every time, my father or older brother had to give me a smack before I'd stop.

Koga: That ain't the kinda thing ya oughta be actin' proud of, y'know.

Keito: Exactly so. …Imitating Sakuma-san's wild behavior will not benefit you in any way, as you'll simply be shunned and blamed by those around you.

Koga: Wh-who's imitatin' that guy?! This just so happens to be the perfect place to catch some sleep!

Keito: Is it difficult for you to sleep at home? Do you have a bad relationship with your family?

Koga: I-it ain't like that! It's just that they're always scoldin' me for hangin' out at underground live houses.

Keito: Those kinds of places are hotspots for delinquents. I can understand how your parents feel. They aren't scolding you, they're just worried.

Koga: G-geez, I ain't some lil' kid who needs my parents fussin' over me.

Keito: No matter how much time passes, in a parent's eyes, their children will always be children.

Keito: That aside, I see… The view from up here is surprisingly good. Look, Oogami. What's that, moving on the horizon? A ship?

Koga: Shut uuup, hell if I know. I mean, seriously, what's the matter with you… Hasumi-senpai, did'ja actually need me¹ for somethin'?

Keito: "ore-sama"?

Koga: Wh-what, you got a problem with the way I talk?

Keito: Not at all, I just hope you don't feel embarrassed of yourself when you look back on this behavior in the future.

Koga: Says the guy who goes around usin' "kisama,²" seriously.

Keito: Details. … Anyway, I did have actual business with you. For reasons unknown, Sakuma-san has called for us, the members of DEADMANZ, to gather as soon as possible. He wants us to go to the underground live house after school.

Koga: Hah? DEADMANZ? Wasn't that a "temporary unit" meant to be used just for that performance³ the other day?

Keito: I believed so as well. However, due to the circumstances it was necessary to establish it as an official unit, and we have yet to go through the proper procedures to dissolve it. To summarize, you and I are both still members of DEADMANZ. However, the others who helped us during that abominable "Dead Man's Live," such as Kiryu, were treated as guests and are not officially counted as unit members.

Koga: Oh yeah, that kinda scary lookin' guy… Hold on, does this mean I'll get to stand on stage with Sakuma-senpai again?

Koga: Woohoo! Ya shoulda said that right away, you guy with the stupid-lookin' glasses!

Keito: Don't speak ill of glasses. I'll get angry, since it reminds me of the way Sakuma-san and Eichi teased me relentlessly when I first started wearing glasses as a child. Anyway, to be perfectly honest, I don't really want to do this... Now's the time to switch up my thoughts and strategies in order to embark on the reform of Yumenosaki. There's a lot to take into consideration, and a mountain of things that need doing. I'm very busy. Getting called out by Sakuma-san at a time like this is definitely not going to lead to anything good... If I could, I would just pretend I didn't hear him and head on home, but... That's not an option. I'm the one who came up with the rule saying that the members of a unit should do their best to follow their leader's instructions, after all.

[ ☆ ]

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ore-sama, of course. A combination of the informal, masculine first-person pronoun ore and the honorific -sama, which is typically used to show great respect (ie, you'd use this honorific when addressing, say, the emperor). Ore-sama is therefore one of the most obnoxiously self-important ways a man can address himself. Please note this is the first time Koga actually uses a first-person pronoun in the JP script during this convo. That's relevant because Keito is about to comment on it.

Japanese pronouns are a whole thing. The short explanation is that, first off, it's already considered a little rude to directly address someone as "you" rather than using their name/title/whatever. Then, there's a whole hierarchy of pronouns you're meant to use depending on gender and a person's familiarity with/social status relative to yours. The immediately relevant bit here is the fact that Keito's preferred second-person pronoun, kisama, is rude as all hell. It used to be formal and respectful (hence the -sama honorific), but gradually came to come across as sarcastic in an insulting sort of way. People do not use this in real life unless a fistfight is imminent. (Well. People don't use it in real life regardless because it's fairly archaic and pretty much only shows up these days in works of fiction as a character quirk, but. You get the point.) Keito's tone is difficult to properly convey into English in general, because he uses a lot of big, fancy words and quotes a lot of proverbs, but he also conjugates sentences in a really direct and informal way, which makes him sound like a delinquent. Imagine someone who talks like a posh scholarly type, only to casually drop "fuck" into half his sentences.

A reference to Crossroad. I won't be marking every reference to Crossroad made in this story, as there are many. If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend doing so before returning to Flashback as, in many ways, Flashback can be considered a sequel to Crossroad.

[scaredgirlsilly]

ok I know you asked for asks on the other blog but. if you could make everyone in the world listen to one song what would it be

oh jesus thats. a really good question HDKSHDJSJ

so at first my mind jumped to just songs i liked. yk maybe basketball shoes by black country, new road yk that song is prob one of the best songs like. ever jflsjdksj or maybe a jeffrey lewis song?? idk im Fucking Obsessed with ine of his albums its a comfort album for me

but then i thought and my choice is Do You Know What Im Saying by applied communications (really id recommend the album but you just said song and thats my fav song on the album hfksjdjs)

so ok. this song (and the whole album but again just the one song for this) is not like. good on a technical level. the guy made the album when he was 16 after his mom died. but to me it is like. the epitome of amateur art.

the instrumental is poorly constructed with random drums and a droning base that just feels *slightly* off, the lyrics are weird and pretentious and sung (not even sung more like said) in a very odd way, randomly layering over each other in a weird cacophony of teenage angst. but that all i think adds to it. listening to it, at least for me, i can *feel* the emotions behind this song so palpably, and thats really all art is for right?? making you feel something. the artist has some feeling they want to share, and so they make art so that you the audience feel that same or similar emotion. everything else is extra.

i know i and many others get caught up sometimes in worrying about doing art "well" but i think this song and the album in general is like. my go to example of amazing art that is, on a technical level, not the best. and im not even saying bad cause like straight up its a banger i fuckin love it hfkshdksj but its v obviously not made for everyone. its not what some would think is well made music. but i think if i wanted to show everyone a single song, it would be this so i could just show them that art can be shittily made and still be amazing, and a world with mountains of shitty art is infinitely better than a world with only art from people who are """good""".

any time a friend has shown me art they have made, whether its drawings or paintings or music or writing or literally anything, it has been almost a transcendent experience. this person i love has taken the time to pour their heart and soul into something that is so unique that i couldnt find anything like this anywhere else. you can find songs like black country new road or jeffrey lewis around, but you cant find songs like you would make when you have no or little skill. and obv getting better at any given artform is always great we love that obv but like. idk shitty art is amazing too and i just want everyone to not be scared to make shitty art cause sometimes shitty art is the best and most heartfelt art there is

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2010 Woke up to find myself up a pound despite all the running and hunger I went through yesterday, so fuck it. Why kill my knees for nothing? Besides, I’m piling on water like crazy, I’m bloated to hell and back, and my titties feel like they’re about to explode, not that I’d personally mind it if they did. Yeah, some days I really hate being a woman. Today’s one of those days that serves as a reminder as far as just which gender God favors.

Anyway, work is still going well for Tom and they seem to have plenty of it to be done. They’ve even hired more people. I’m getting less worried about them letting him go anytime soon, but still not too hopeful of them hiring him on since temps are more common these days than regular workers. Everybody wants temps so they don’t have to pay them for holidays and give them insurance. :( Oh, well. I haven’t been insured in 8 years, so what’s 20 more? One of the best things about being uninsured is that I won’t know it in time to try to save my ass if I got cancer. Therefore I’d get to exit this crazy world a little sooner than most. Sounds funny and crazy, but it’s true, LOL.

I am eating another granola bar even though I shouldn’t, but like I pointed out in the last paragraph, every negative has its positive. The best thing about being fat is that you don’t have to worry about getting fat if you’re already there. With a 29” waist at just under 5’, I’d say I’m there. :)

I still may set up my own site sometime, but I realized that if I do I may not get as much traffic there because most people who are looking to read other people’s journals/blogs go specifically to journal/blog sites, not some privately-owned site that just one person runs. I guess I’ll stick around a little longer now that they’ve got their shit together here at least somewhat until they go and fuck it up again. I’ll set my old journal private again, but keep backing it up. I keep forgetting to do it every day anyway and usually do it every 10 days since that’s about all I can fit into an entry.

Maliheh’s such a disorganized slob with a shitty memory that she’s paying a fortune to have someone come and organize her shit today, LOL. And she hates doing laundry so much she’s been known to buy underwear at Walmart to get out of having to do it, LMAO! I didn’t know an admitted bitch like her could be so funny. She needs a wife! She asked how many loads of laundry it would take to do my clothes (just my clothes). As I told her, before my folks sent all the clothes they sent I could carry them in both arms. I told her I’d shoot pics of my drawers and closet, minus Tom’s shit of course, so she can get a sense of what it’s like to be organized. As I told her, if I haven’t worn it in a while or it’s too big/small, I usually Goodwill it.

She said she’s got a picture of her and Karen Carpenter from the 80s before she died of anorexia. I told her I want to see it and she said that when she finds it, she’ll share it.

OSU finally identified themselves as a woman named Christine. In my last entry I said I would love to “meet” some of my regulars who come around just about every day but who have never left any comments.

Today I got a message from Christine who said she was one of my regular readers who has not previously engaged in commenting and has been following my blog for approximately a year after discovering it on MD. She said she appreciates my humor, honesty, and the opportunity to peek into a life distinct from her own. Additionally, she's of a similar age and finds it intriguing to read about the experiences and perspectives of women in her age group and considers it more captivating than the fixation on teenagers prevalent in culture. She feels a sense of connection and relatability with the content, she told me.

So I guess if she’s my age and usually bookmarking in from OSU she’s some sort of teacher or staffer there as opposed to a student.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2010 My knees felt like they were on fire after running like the devil was chasing me for 25 minutes. Tomorrow it will be half an hour. The numbers on the scale are making up for the pain, though. :)

Today I will be doing some cleaning and then I’ll try to get over my writer’s block. I should do some language studying, too.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2010 Other than nearly choking to death this morning and taking a nap to screw up my schedule, I’m having an ok day. The melatonin supplements usually only hold my schedule for a week or two at the most, but I think I’ll still probably crash in the early evening as planned. I still feel kind of groggy. I wasn’t even going to do an entry today.

Alison’s comment about the guy living above her vacuuming every day got me thinking about the times either just myself or both Tom and I lived in apartments, duplexes and motels, and I am so, so glad those days are just a nasty memory! We got one extreme after another, mostly college kids and freeloaders. If vacuuming was all we’d gotten, we’d have had it easy, but we heard everything! Our neighbors practically let us know it every time they farted. We met in April of 1993 when Tom bought his house from one of his brothers after he moved into his new wife’s house. I joined Tom in September of that year thinking it might be nice to have a child with him within a year or two. Six years later we moved out of there with me hating kids after what they put us through while we were there! Yeah, first it was Mormons, then it was a black C-8 family and finally a Mexican C-8 family before the welfare bums drove us out of there. Yeah, God picked out the perfect neighbors for us, and it was their behavior I had a problem with. Not their color or anything else, just so I make that clear up front.

Kids will be kids. We were all kids at one point, so I understand. But I also don’t understand. Kids of today – and even a decade ago – aren’t what the kids of 30 years ago were. Most of us were taught manners, respect and discipline 30 years ago, but it seems that’s become a thing of the past. Why is it a fact that when old trends return for a while, they’re either bad ones or ones that are neither good nor bad?

Either way, this is why I remain forever determined to buy a place (if we ever do get that luxury) either out in the country or in a retirement community. People simply cannot control their dogs and they cannot control their kids, and so the only way to escape it is to remove ourselves from the mainstream altogether. We may still get some barking from a distance, but oh how nice it is to escape the car stereos, the 5-hour basketball games within arm’s reach of the wall of our place, the footsteps, the TVs, the doors slamming, and so much more!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2010 The dogs went crazy from 4pm onward yesterday when Jesse took off as he usually does on Friday nights. I just didn’t expect him to take off 3 hours earlier than usual.

The only dream I remember having was one where I was marveling at the fact that we were suddenly living in a roomy, modern house. Until I heard all the chaos just outside. I looked out the side window dismayed to see tons of barking dogs just a few feet away and tons of screaming kids just a few feet away on the other side of the house.

Played around with Andy on Formspring and Twitter, spoke to Maliheh last night (she has turned out to be one damn good buddy), and Nane’s on Facebook right now. So I guess I might get some new wall decorations over the weekend. :)

I guess this wraps up this boring entry. Sorry I don’t have anything more and exciting to say. Guess I’ll edit my last book and work on my current one.

Later…

Aw, Nane got offline without contacting me. But the weekend isn’t over yet, so we’ll see.

Maliheh mostly told me about how she’s been cleaning her place, walking every day, hoping it doesn’t snow, and having trouble falling asleep. She was so sweet at one point, telling me she’ll try to be a good friend, she’s there to talk to, and she understands my desire to escape this little trailer and wished that herself for two years. But she certainly doesn’t miss sleeping in her cold, cramped truck and having the cops tell her to move when she had no place to move to.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2010 Doesn’t look like my “sniffies” have been sent yet. I ordered 100 perfume oil samples from my favorite smelly site, but according to my account, they’re still working on it.

I added my maiden name on Facebook. When I first set up the account they didn’t have a place for maiden names. I wanted it included in my name in case anyone decided to look me up who knew me before I left the East and got married, but these days I don’t give a shit who may be looking for me.

Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking of all those who have encouraged me to go for my dreams throughout the years. And while I know they meant well, I don’t think some people realize that not all of us have the blessing of simply picking what we’re good at and what we want to do and then simply “going for it.” Some of us are simply trapped by fate in a sense, and can only do so much because of our circumstances. It’s sort of like a paraplegic dreaming of becoming an Olympic runner. The thing that sucks with me is that it seems to be life’s simplest things that are often out of reach for me, and this really bothers me. It bothers me because it makes me feel all the more singled out and picked on. Even though I’m far from the only one who had an abusive mother, for example (though it still has a way of making me feel “punished”), most people don’t have such fucked up melatonin levels that they can’t even keep a damn schedule. I try to tell myself that things could be worse. And they could be. But sometimes they’re bad enough. But yeah, there are worse sleep disorders than mine, some of which can even be deadly. If your melatonin levels are that off you can fall asleep in a second without warning no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Tom worked with a guy in Oregon whose mother had this problem. Her doctor gave her a medication assuring her that it’d keep her from falling asleep while driving, yet she fell asleep behind the wheel anyway and her car went off the road, killing her instantly.

So yeah, some people have it worse than me. But that’s not the point. The point is that I totally believe without a doubt that I was given the type of sleep curse I have and my driving phobia to hold me back in life. Especially the sleep curse. I feel like I was put on earth to be an asset to others. It’s like I do a better job of making others profit than myself. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for those I care about. If it’s within my means, I would do it and I wouldn’t expect anything in return. But I’m as selfish as I am generous and as indifferent as I am compassionate. If I don’t know you, I don’t give a shit if you’re having a rough day, and no, I don’t want to help you or give to you in any way. If that makes me a bitch or a bad person, then so be it.

Back to my point about not being able to simply “go for it.” I would love to be able to find something I enjoy doing online where I don’t have to worry about schedules and transportation that wouldn’t pay slave wages like MT. I’m just as willing and capable as anyone else of working just as hard. But something up there has been sure to place me in a position where opportunity simply can’t knock. Not on my door anyway.

Right or wrong, my old attitude used to be that some money was better than none, and that may be so in desperate cases, but we’re not desperate right now, and so now I want to be paid fairly for my time and work or else I won’t bother at all.

I dreamt I spoke on the phone with Dad and that my rat grew wings and could fly. It’s a good thing that one can’t be a premonition, LOL, cuz I swear I’d cut those wings off so fast! He gets around and into shit just fine without them.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2010 Jesse came down yesterday at 3:30 to blanket the pipes since it’s been freezing at night. I was surprised when he took off yesterday afternoon for a while and the dogs remained quiet. But not surprisingly, he took off today, probably to his parents’ house, and took the peace with him. I don’t know if the dogs went off for long. I didn’t want to know, so I slammed the sound machines on.

Tom decided to light the pilot on the main heater. Even though the blower’s still not working, the pilot will help give off extra heat and doesn’t take up much propane.

Anyway, I guess Jesse’s trying to retire instead of going on disability. I’m just glad we no longer have to deal with the 5am - 9am barking sprees anymore. Thank God for bad backs!

I swapped messages with Maliheh, who isn’t doing anything today, but a little cleaning and walking. Otherwise, she’s just going to pig out and relax.

She confirmed that she is an only child, saying that this might be the reason she’s selfish.

I had to laugh when she said she went camping twice and both times there was a tornado. So we both hate tornadoes.

I’m feeling the opposite with her as I once felt with Marie. I wish I would hear from her more often, even though I hear from her every day. It also kinda sucks that the feeling’s not mutual. But since I’m still the only one flirting, I’d say she’s still not attracted to me.

Said hello to Nane in a PM, who hasn’t appeared to have been on Facebook all week.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2010 I’m so pissed at this site and all its damn tech issues! Just when I thought they’d gotten the problem with changing background pictures squared away, it’s back with a vengeance. I had to reset it with one of their boring designs, so if you see some lame shit like this for a background, I didn’t lose my sense of creativity. I just couldn’t change the fucking thing.

All the problems are making me think of leaving, but that’s just the problem right there; all sites have problems, so where could I go? It seems that every single site I’ve ever used has changed things around periodically. Why can’t anything ever stay the same???

Tom said that when he has more time and gets a permanent job (hopefully where he’s working now), he’ll set up a site for us. I’ll miss having such a detailed tracker, but I really look forward to being my own boss and never changing anything unless I want it changed!

I have to laugh at how some people have been better at figuring me out than I myself have been. Maliheh’s pretty sure I’m starting menopause while Cindy’s pretty sure I love Maliheh. Well, I’m not so sure about Cindy’s theory, but love is never a bad thing so why should I worry if there is a touch of love beaming from me across the country and over to someone I envied the hell out of yesterday for having near 80º temps while I froze my ass off in the rain. I guess anybody worthy of a 19-year crush deserves at least a little love for hanging onto my heart for that long. Yeah, she’s one tough lady, LOL.

She said she’s not visiting her relatives in the Midwest this year for the holidays because she doesn’t want to get near snow again if she can help it. She said she told them that if they die in the winter, don’t look for her to attend their funerals. See, I’m a bitch, she added, and I told her she was actually sweet and kind compared to me, who refuses to attend her parents’ funerals for the 3 basic reasons I explained (because I’d only beat the shit out of anyone that started shit with me, my being there couldn’t bring them back, and I can mourn them from here just as easily as I could there).

The weather has been terrible here, but I’m so glad I’m not in K-Falls now. Yeah, the Klammers are at -2º now, LOL. Yesterday there was tons of rain, wind and fog until late morning. Then the sun finally came out and the wind settled down. We were supposed to get down into the 20s last night but only made it to 32º, not that that’s still not bad enough. The mice didn’t like it. Yeah, I think we have a mouse in here, so I set up the traps under the sink. This cold just sucks, though, and I might add Maliheh’s state to the list after all.

Last night I dreamt that I let the rat run around loose in some huge building somewhere. When I didn’t see him for a while I began to panic, even though rats always find their way back to their owners and don’t get “lost” like other rodents would. This is the second dream of this nature I’ve had of him, so like Tom said, it’s just warnings not to let him outside, even though he’s been oddly fascinated by the idea of it. It’s kind of funny, though, how he goes to the door like a dog begging to be let out. I open the door just a crack so he can sniff the outdoors, but not wide enough for him to slip out, even though he wouldn’t go anywhere and would be ok so long as I was with him to keep dogs, cats, raccoons and skunks away. Ever since he waited on the porch for us while we bombed and then in the car with us when we got back, he’s been wanting to go outside.

That damn rat sure raised some hell yesterday! He jumped on the shelf and I told him to get down. He decided to ignore me and so I went to pull him off. While I was pulling him off he pulled one of my Indian dolls off and broke her thumb. So while I was looking for this bitch’s thumb to glue back on, he swipes my cotton candy lip gloss. If I didn’t love him so much he’d have gotten his way with going outside, only I wouldn’t be around to guard him against the enemies!

This is the quietest winter we’ve ever had at this place. I knew the dogs would no longer bark non-stop from 5am - 9am like they used to when Jesse worked, but I expected them to at least bark every time he went out somewhere, yet they don’t other than on Friday nights. It’s a sign of the “end.” Meaning that we’ll be leaving soon. Yeah, I don’t get it, but I’ve lived in enough places to have noticed a strange pattern. Things seem to be at their quietest when we first move somewhere as well as right before we leave. But it makes no sense for us to leave what’s probably the cheapest place in the area if we’re just going to buy a house in less than two years.

Ok, I’m off to work on my story and looking forward to the long weekend with Tom, my ratty, and sugary treats my waistline definitely doesn’t need, as well as lots of thoughts (both explicit and not) of someone very special. :)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2010 Ever want to beat the shit out of someone? I mean just totally beat the shit out of someone and rip them apart limb by limb? Yesterday was boring, though I kept busy. At one point, however, I was just doing whatever when all of a sudden this intense anger came over me and I suddenly had the urge to kill. It was the weirdest thing. I wasn’t angry about anything in particular. In fact, I wasn’t even angry at all. I just wanted to kick some ass, but not just anyone’s ass. Not an innocent being who never did anything to me and certainly not someone I care about. No, I wanted it to be some sick asshole that would really deserve a good beating. But my strange desire to attack and torture passed as quickly as it came.

It’s raining like crazy out there and no doubt snowing up in the mountains where Tom works. He said it was weird how it instantly changed on his way to work yesterday. He was driving along wet roads when all of a sudden there was 6” of snow.

They say I either go at something obsessively or I don’t bother at all. For the most part, this is true, and while some may say that’s not exactly a great way to go, it’s that obsessiveness that got me where I am today with the languages. But I still feel like I’ve got a long way to go and I probably always will feel that way no matter how much I learn because I’m just like that at times. I was doing journal entries in Spanish and Italian at Lang-8, but then I’d either forget to do them there or would be too busy so I ended up slacking off for a while. Maybe I should get back into it.

Yesterday was a dead day online. I didn’t hear from anyone. Not Maliheh, Nane, Alison or Kim, though Dieter was a little rude to me. Yeah, that’s another strange thing I don’t get. We were talking about living in Europe vs. the USA, and he was saying how he loved living in the middle of Germany because he was close to so many countries. I was saying that since California’s practically the size of all of Europe, I didn’t have the kind of variety he’s got, but there was certainly a wide range of climates around here. That’s when he went off on me for no apparent reason saying we “Americans” forget that we came from those “little countries in Europe,” and he would not indulge in that any further.

Like I said, kinda rude if you ask me. I almost dropped him, but then I just didn’t bother to do anything. I’m certainly not going to mention it to Nane and risk pitting them against each other should she agree he was rude. Besides, she has nothing to do with it anyway.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2010 We’ve got a couple of wet days in store for us, then it’ll warm up and get sunny, at which time Jesse will no doubt be out making a racket of some kind.

Hopefully, I’ll get some work done today if the rat can leave me alone long enough. The freedom junkie just loves to be out running around and climbing all over me when he’s not off exploring and getting into things by himself. Rats are supposed to be nocturnal, but he copies my schedule and is up when I’m up. Most of the rats I’ve had do this. He’s jugando in the living room now.

I’d decided that even though money doesn’t mean what it once meant to me, I’m going to make $3 a day on MT Monday - Friday. That way if I ever do want something, I’ve got $100 a month to spend and that’s not counting savings. Our savings is going to take forever to build up, though, when things like car insurance creep up on us, but oh well. I’ve pretty much figured for a while now that having a few grand in savings is just a dream, no matter how much we make.

Although they didn’t say they’d hire him on, Tom’s boss said she told the temp agency he works for that they’re really happy with the job he’s doing. This is nice, but it doesn’t mean much without being hired on and given proper benefits. It’s like with me and my writing. All the people in the world can tell me I’m good, but it’s not the same as actually being paid for my time and work. That’s why I gave up on Helium, though I still can’t seem to lose my stars, LOL.

We went to the IHOP yesterday morning. He got bacon, eggs and pancakes and I got steak, eggs and pancakes. The steak was a bit tough and the waitress a bit loud, but otherwise it was very good.

Andy came out and told me he was the one asking the weird questions on Formspring and would keep a good variety coming. I figured it was him, but hopefully I won’t get 30 questions a day. I’m too busy for that! And when the economy picks up a little more I’ll be even busier when I go back to sweeping and psyching out the wins!

I received a surprising amount of attention and wall decorations from Nane yesterday, LOL. Back when she was in Turkey and wrote on her wall, I thought she was saying her flight home was canceled when she was really saying her balloon flight was canceled due to rain. So as a joke, I sent her a balloon heart for her to “fly” back home in next time she’s down there, hahaha.

She gave me her email address to send her a copy of my story when it’s done after I reminded her that I can’t send much at a time on FB. She said she didn’t know what to make of the first part of chapter 1 because it was a conversation and asked what it was about. I explained it to her in a PM while she got herself another glass of wine, but yeah, the first part of the chapter was all dialogue. So I’ll send her the story in its entirety once I’m done proofreading it in about a month.

I laughed at how she said to “kick the rat’s ass” when I mentioned him getting into things. And how she was in the mood to “cancel” some people on FB and said that 6 people had to go. I’m glad I wasn’t one of the ones she axed, LOL. I guess she wasn’t too happy with someone who put a silly love-you-forever video on her page.

I had to laugh at her confusion too, between the time differences and my schedule. She asked, “Girl, don’t you ever sleep?” We chatted twice, once at the start of my day and once at the end. She said she herself was a real night owl, even though she can’t afford it since the boss man was waiting for her in the morning.

I told her that thanks to her I could now recognize Greek and Turkish writing, and she said she read somewhere that she was a Greek God in a previous life which must explain her affinities to the Mediterranean and that someday she’ll be buried there.

She said her first vacation was to Florida when she was 19 and she loved it.

Besides “good looking” and “gorgeous” and “hottie,” I called her a Greek Goddess on my way out for the night. She laughed and smiled at that one.

Today I put a musical heart on her wall and said I enjoyed our chat yesterday, though she hasn’t been on FB yet that I know of today. She spends most of her time there late at night and right now it’s only after 6pm in Germany.

I wondered if she came into my blog at 7am her time this morning, late last night my time. She asked what kinds of contests I used to win and I told her about OLS. I also sent her the blog entry link containing all my wins. Ironically enough, that entry was accessed yesterday, but the hit I got that I suspect accessed it had no city, state or country info. Tom said that if she’s using a unique browser or device, the tracker may not be able to make sense of it. Yet when I traced the IP# it said it was in Texas, so I don’t know what to think.

It looks like Dieter recently viewed my blog based on the fact that I got a Germany hit from FB, he never appears to be online on FB unlike Nane, and the hit was up in northern Germany by Denmark. Nane, I believe, is in southern Germany, just outside of Munich heading towards Austria and Italy.

I’ve also got a regular in Kansas now that’s got me bookmarked. Wonder if they know Maliheh?

My “plea” for my regulars to step forward and say something (like my OSU fan) failed to do me any good. I figured it would, but I thought I’d try anyway.

The dogs just “bumped” into the bedroom, something I hope they don’t make a habit of, thus risking waking me up.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2010 Maliheh went to a bar to attend a gathering for the guitarist friend of hers that recently died, and she said that may’ve accounted for why she was in such a bitchy mood. She was glad she went but didn’t want to at the same time. She said it was hard seeing the guy’s wife, his friends, and hopes there won’t be many more of those things to attend.

I wish I could be around to be of support to those I care about who are far away. I mean in person. Not just online or by phone. I wish I could be there to hold them when they’re down and smile with them when they’re up. I love being a wife to Tom, but I sometimes wish I could be one to someone else as well if that makes any sense. Ah, the impossible dreams and desires we often possess! But some things just weren’t meant to be, like it or not, and so the best I can hope for is for our electronic bond to continue growing and maybe – just maybe – a future visit someday.

I know some people prefer to be left alone when they’re down, but I still wish I could be more available than I can be from a distance if ever I was needed or wanted, if that too, makes any sense. And then there’s the what-might-have-been game I still play at times. Could things have worked out then or now? It’s still hard to imagine they could have, LOL, only because we’re so different and I would think that no matter how hard I tried to keep the peace she’d be bitching at me for just about everything and anything. I can see her maybe putting up with my not driving, but my funky sleep schedule? I doubt there’s more than a handful of people that could deal with that, although I once had a dream where she was telling someone she liked the idea of it because then she got to have more space to get more things done during those times when I wasn’t around to distract her train of thought as much. But that was just a dream and reality is still reality.

I dreamt we moved. We’d been on the road for quite a while, but don’t know where we were heading.

Nane surprised me with a couple of wall decorations on FB the other day. The same dream catcher I once sent her, and a colorful Fantasie Herz (fantasy heart).

Although no one’s abused the shoutbox, I decided to turn it off simply because I don’t need it. If someone wants to leave me a comment, they have enough other places they can leave them.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2010 Wow, Maliheh’s up late tonight. When I got up at 10pm I saw she hadn’t hit my blog at all or left any messages, but I know she said she was to be busy. But then she came in at 3:30 her time.

I sent a message but didn’t hear back from her, so she probably either just woke up for a while or was just going to bed.

I’m looking forward to a weekend of fun, relaxation, and no housecleaning or cooking. Just a couple of loads of laundry and that’s it. I’ll probably do some writing and language studying, though, cuz that’s what I do. Today I’ll be pigging out, tomorrow it’s IHOP day, then next it’s back to dieting and exercising. I just may have to run indoors because we’re having a wet spell again.

I heard Jesse on that dreaded ATV yesterday morning, but he didn’t get noisy or anything like that. I’m wondering if maybe he’s just bringing outgoing mail or something down to the box by the main road.

Although it’s Friday night, the dogs are quiet. Maybe he didn’t go into Sacramento.

I’ve noticed for a while now that I have some regulars who have followed this blog consistently for a while yet have never left comments. I’d love for some of them to step out of the shadows and speak up for once. I’m just curious as to who they are, how they found my blog, and what it is about it that keeps them coming back.

Yesterday I got a message from a Helium staff member complimenting my articles and saying how good they were for a newer member. Then today my writing score shot up again and I’m back to having two stars, even though I haven’t been writing articles because I’m sick of getting just pennies for them. But I gotta admit it’s funny as hell that I remain starred without even trying while so many complain they can’t get stars, they have their articles deleted, and even their accounts shut down.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2010 When I updated my status as I usually do when I first get up, I checked my stats and saw that I had just missed Maliheh. Since it was after midnight where she is I figured she’d gone to bed and so I wasn’t going to bother checking for messages. It’s a good thing I did 15 minutes later as there was a message from her she sent after checking again not long after I updated my status. So she was obviously looking to see if I’d get up before she crashed. :)

No fair! The 5-cast says it’s going to be in the 70s where she is, but we’re going to drop to the 50s, then the 40s, and get rained on. Definitely not what would come to mind when I’d think of California.

She said she’s still feeling tired but managed to get out for her daily half-hour walk. She said she hates running and would rather stand at the end of a runway and let a 747 fly up her ass, LOL. Love that one!

She asked what I thought of the X-rays at airports and the pat-downs, saying Al-Qaeda gets a good laugh out of it every time they hear about another unhappy flier. “You probably won’t talk to me after this,” she said, “but I say profile and stereotype away.”

I told her I not only agreed, but they should keep the crazy mother-fucking extremists outa this country who weren’t born here.

“I like the way you think,” she said, LOL, and that the subject would make a great article. She said Germany just told them to learn their language and become a Christian or get the fuck out of their country. They’re also bringing the IQ down over there.

She may’ve lived in more states than I have. In the message I sent for her to have for when she wakes up, I asked what order of states she lived in and at what ages. I know she lived in Hawaii for a while, but it was too costly and they hate whites, so she couldn’t stay there. She doesn’t know if she’ll be in NC all her life but knows she won’t go where there’s cold, snow, earthquakes or tornadoes.

She asked what the desert was like and said she wouldn’t mind finding a state with no state tax.

Where MyOpera was posting to Twitter but not to FB, now it’s posting to FB but not to Twitter. rolls eyes Whatever.

Someone stumbled across this blog by searching for “pet tapeworm,” LOL, from when I said how nice it’d be to get a tapeworm to help eat my weight off.

I’m pissed at Helium because I’m not only getting pennies for thousands of words, but they extended one of the Marketplace articles till the 20th. Now I rank 12 of 21, so I’m really getting my ass beat good. I hope the other one stays closed, though I don’t see how I stand a chance there either. So it’s ok that I’ll eventually lose my star because I don’t want to work for nothing.

I taught the rat how to climb my leg for treats like Tinkerbell and Blondie used to do. He’s so cute!

I’ve had a tough time trying to motivate myself to do any Turk work (at least it pays more than Helium even though it too, is slave wages) and I realize that the reason isn’t just because we’re not desperate now. It’s also because money just doesn’t mean to me what it used to. Don’t get me wrong, I still love money and would be thrilled to have a ton of it. It’s just that after going through what I went through years ago – and getting sick of a bunch of space-hogging dolls I’m sick of dusting – it tends to change one’s outlook on things. It’s just not the huge priority and obsession it used to be for me.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 Hello, ladies and germs.

The submission deadline has ended and now I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Still getting some rather interesting questions on Formspring and still pretty sure most are from Andy.

Didn’t hear from Maliheh yesterday, but she was in my blog once. The day before she said she had an upset stomach and a low-grade fever. Hopefully, she isn’t too sick and will be better soon.

I both do and don’t like some of the new changes on MyOpera. I hate change in general and I just wish they’d leave a good thing alone. If I didn’t like MyOpera the way it was I wouldn’t be there. At least they got the picture-uploading problem taken care of. It was taking forever to load pictures and backgrounds.

The countdown they added is ok too, but even though my account is set to PT, it had already dropped a day when I got up and checked at 7pm.

I don’t like how they grouped things that used to be laid out and within easy access, and I don’t like how you have to hover over the friend and inbox icons with your mouse to see if anything new has come in. Before, a number would appear at the top of the screen.

I sent Nane the first part of chapter 1, but as I told her, it’s not completely edited yet and cannot be sent on Facebook if she decides she wants to read the whole thing. FB just doesn’t allow for long messages. I told her that if she’s uncomfortable sharing her email, fine, I can send it a chapter at a time on LM, but it’ll take 25 messages to do it.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2010 Swapped messages with Maliheh. :) She’s consistent but not obsessive like Marie was, and I like that. She’s smart and interesting, too.

We only swapped a few messages because she had an upset stomach, but she wanted to say she hoped my day went well and she liked what I wrote. Awww. :)))

I told her I got a direct hit from Greensboro and asked if she knew anyone there. She said no, and that she hated it there. The town sucked and the people sucked, but wouldn’t you know she found the world’s best damn salsa there right before she moved.

Andy said he’s getting a kick out of my Formspring answers, some of which are goofy as hell when I don’t know the answer to something like why the US never took up the metric system.

I asked Nane if she wanted to read my last book once it’s edited, and she replied by saying she likes to read, no, she loves to read. But what exactly am I asking her to do?

sighs Is her English not as good as I thought it was? Or am I just so focused on other languages that I’m lacking in my own?

I’m now in the running with two articles, each paying $56 if either of them is selected for publication, which doesn’t look good. One currently ranks 3/16, the other 8/17. I still have a few articles in the #1 spot. They really love the rats and crushes, LOL.

I gotta laugh when I hear some people complain that they write and write and write, but they still can’t earn a star. And I basically quit writing except for these special assignments that actually pay what they’re worth (if I’m selected), yet I’m still “starred.” LOL

taps head thoughtfully Do I or don’t I put certain southern states on the “list?” Yes, no, I don’t know, maybe so. Hmm… I like the idea of being safe from hurricanes yet closer to the beach. I’ve been two or more hours inland for over 18 years now! I also like the idea of being closer to those I care about, but I do like being where it’s drier. The only time it’s not dry here is when it’s actually raining.

I’ve lived long enough to know that a lot can happen in 588 days, which is how much longer we’ve got to go to cash in on his pension and hopefully get to pick a state and where we’re going to settle down in it, so it’s way too soon to go making any decisions. And like I said before, if he’s making a lot of money we’ll want to stay here which would also be ok since this isn’t MA or OR and we don’t have hard winters here. If we’re back to being broke, then we couldn’t go anywhere anyway, so heading east or even down to the CA or NV desert would be out of the question. I don’t know yet what state it will be, but it will definitely be either a rural or a senior community that we end up in. I can’t stand the chaos of the mainstream – barking galore, loud stereos, rowdy kids…

Why am I gaining weight again, and why is it so damn hard to keep it off? Am I not running enough? Eating too much? But I swear I’ve been eating a reasonable amount! I guess “reasonable” just doesn’t matter when you, like most Americans, are naturally fat. And a natural fatty I am. The only time I could stay thin without trying was on and off as a kid and throughout my 20s. I do, however, get carried away on some days. I’m only human. But why is it that not dieting for most people simply means that they don’t lose weight while not dieting for me means I gain weight? I’d be 500 pounds by the time I hit 50 if I had 1500-2000 calories every single day, even if I kept running.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2010 Opposites attract. Or do they? Most people don’t seem to think so, but I think they do, even if that “opposite” I may be attracted to isn’t attracted to me in return. I personally find it boring if someone is too similar to me. It’s like buying two collectible dolls that are exactly the same. They can be nice, but isn’t one enough? Being opposites keeps things interesting and allows us to learn about new ways of thinking and doing things. We can learn about places we’ve never been to and activities we’ve never done. Sure you want to have some things in common, and that’s ok. Believe me when I say I’m glad Tom doesn’t smoke either!

But most people want duplicates because they are often uncomfortable with the unknown and so they prefer to have what’s familiar to them and that’s ok, too. Me, I just like the fascination of learning new things from those who are different than me and have had different experiences.

I didn’t realize this till now, but it turns out that even though no one can read anyone else’s article, they’re still ranking the ones up for publication. When I saw I was #5 out of 14 I sighed and said to myself, “Is #5 really the best you can do?” With 4 of them ahead of me, it’s not likely mine will be chosen.

Made some smashed potatoes as I sometimes call mashed potatoes. They were great once I got the amount of garlic salt just right.

The rat was so funny when I was preparing dinner the other day. He tends to hang out in whatever room I’m in, and so he did a fine job of keeping underfoot when I was in the kitchen, eagerly catching any crumbs I may’ve dropped. He’d stand on the top of my foot and hug my leg as if that’d get him any treats any faster, LOL.

My hair seems to have shot out of my head another inch practically overnight. When it starts getting below the waist is when I really start feeling the weight of it and it becomes a real pain in the ass. Who knows, maybe I’ll hack it to my shoulders before I can sit on it yet again.

Molly’s finally getting sick of me. She used to come to my blog an average of 15-30 times a day, but today it was twice, yesterday none.

Got a new fan that’s got me bookmarked in Dublin, OH. I checked and it’s just 11 miles away from Columbus where my OSU fan is. Wonder if it’s the same person.

Maliheh and I swapped messages. It’s kind of going to suck when I start sleeping later, but oh well. We’ll catch each other when we catch each other. I’m just amazed at how accepting she is for what once seemed like such a cold, insensitive bitch. She hasn’t even questioned my screwy schedule.

She’s really into TV, unlike me, but it’s nice that she has something she enjoys. Especially since it doesn’t seem like she has much else going for her at the moment other than her teaching job.

I had a really funny thought. I know it’s a crazy, crazy thought to think, but I can’t help it. back when things were heated up with Marie and I and I began to think there was a real possibility of us eventually meeting and getting it on, I remember thinking to myself how hard I’d have laughed had someone told me that the next person I’d have sex with might be her. But imagine how much harder I’d have laughed if someone else had stepped in and said, “No, it won’t. It won’t be Marie D. It will be Maliheh B.” Not saying it ever will be for real. Just something funny to think about.

I still flirt with her even though she doesn’t flirt back. She must not mind, though. :) She did answer when I asked her if she had a certain type of appearance she preferred in a woman and she said no.

Now she says it’s Barnes & Noble that publishes unpublished authors, and that I might not make much at first, but that in time I will.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2010 I let everyone know that I will no longer be discussing Maliheh in my blog. Not what we talk about, not my dreams, not my thoughts, nothing. Just that we talked or something vague like that. There will no longer be any details. After all, a journal is supposed to be about my life, and even if you may be part of my life, your life should still be up to you to decide whether or not you want to share it.

I’m actually thinking of stopping public journaling. It was fun for a while, but now I’m not so sure. Whenever I think I’ve got it clear as far as what’s ok and what’s not, I find out I was wrong and someone gets mad or disappointed. Well, the last thing I want to do is upset anyone! I really have to wonder what’s wrong with me at times. I used to live for getting on people’s nerves, yet now it seems I upset them without even trying, that’s how good I apparently got at it. I will think about it for a day or two and then make my decision.

Maliheh said she’s not mad at me and she knows I wasn’t deliberately trying to upset her, but she’s disappointed with my talking about her so much. Even if it’s nothing personal and is something as trivial as how she’s got to rake her yard, whose business is it? She commented on how I said I found out what she did for work, but couldn’t say. Why say I found out in the first place?

I’m sorry I disappointed her, but there is some good in this as well and that’s that now I no longer have to worry about upsetting her and wondering if I edited enough of what I wrote about her before posting it online since I will no longer be posting anything.

I woke up hot at 2pm because we’re having a warm spell. That would’ve been fine if I’d been smart enough to remember to leave my window cracked and the fucking fan on. I just have to be on nights now. :( I’ll have to remember to pop the lower rod out and lift the light blocker so I can open the back window before bed as we’ll be around 70º all week. I forgot to write about that, but yesterday we got the light-blocking kit for the back window. It does a great job and it’s so easy to take in and out, too. Wish I’d had it years ago. I just hope that with weather like this, whatever racket Jesse makes won’t wake me up!

I also had a dream my purse and rat were missing.

Speaking of rats, Nane posts a lot of music videos on her wall and she left a message attached to one of them saying my rat would love this one which I almost missed because I’m hardly on FB anymore. The only reason I went in was that I got an alert that Mitch posted to my wall. The video was shot in an old, rundown and abandoned building, though this rat would love to explore anywhere and everywhere.

Shortly after I got up we did the 3 scratch tickets we got and ALL of them lost. :(

At least I had a good run.

I answered the 60 Formspring questions I still think are from Andy, and soon Maliheh and I will have our nightly chat which can only be discussed in my offline journal.

Later…

Chatted with Maliheh. She was telling me she heard that Kendall, who makes an electronic reader that you can read books on, also publishes stories and they pay the authors, too. But according to my research, they only publish educational stuff. I doubt they’d find “Nadirah” tossing “Joni” on the bed and giving her a night to remember very educational. I’ll keep looking, though.

I was even brave enough to tell her Tom and I don’t sleep together. Yeah, that’s something that’s not in my blog and very few people know. I guess I don’t bare my soul as much as some people might think I do.

She helped with a couple of the Formspring questions, too.

She said she’s going to sleep in, even though she can’t sleep in till 2pm like she used to.

I “liked” the video Nane posted, left a comment, then sent a message asking if she’d like to read my book when it’s done. I told her not to hesitate to say no if she’s not interested or too busy, and that I won’t think she’s mad at me, LOL.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2010 Ah, I really have the best of both worlds – a great hubby and a great cyber girl. I sometimes wish she was more tangible and less cyber, but cyber’s better than wondering about her as I did for 19 years.

We swapped a few messages which was so nice, and the more I get to know her, the more I admire her. We talked about our likes and dislikes and things like that. When I mentioned her being the star of my blog she said something about her 15 minutes of fame coming to an end. I read this part of her message a few times and tried to read between the lines. Is she really saying she thinks her fame will come to an end, or that she’d like it to? But then I remembered just how outspoken she is and how she doesn’t hold back. Really, she’s not afraid to tell it like it is, LOL. And she didn’t tell me to put a lid on it or anything like that. Even so, I will still be careful what I say and start keeping most of the dreams to myself. I have so damn many anyway, not that I’m complaining, LOL. I love every dirty little minute of them.

I know some people think she likes me too, but if she does, she hasn’t said anything and so I have to automatically assume she just likes me as a friend. Hey, I guess I’m just interesting at times, LOL, with my not knowing that Wally World was Walmart. Yeah, she and Tom got to laugh at that one, but that’s ok. I kinda got to laugh at her when she didn’t know what LMAO meant. :)

She cracked me up by saying she ran out of ass wipe, and hey, what’s a girl to do? Drip dry? She didn’t think so! And so she went to Wally World and said the whole town must’ve been there, LOL. Poor girl. She swears as much as I do, too.

We talked about the weather here and where she is, and it got me thinking. Not only does it suck that we probably won’t ever see each other again, but sometimes I wish some of my friends (or someone that was a little more of a friend at times) lived close by. Not just for obvious reasons like hanging out together every now and then, but so that one could be there for the other when times got rough. Had Andy, Paula, Jessie or some of my cyber friends been in Sacramento those hours we were homeless, I’m sure they’d have let us borrow a corner of their living room floor and given us something to eat. Then again, I didn’t have any cyber friends back then. This was in the fall of 2007 and I didn’t start “meeting” people online till the summer of 2008.

I teased Maliheh about being stuck with me because it would’ve been all over for us by now. Yeah, Tom went and looked and we would’ve just received our last check next week had he still not been able to get a job. Yeah, we were coming down off of tier 4. That damn number I hate so much. Then I’d have gotten a lobster and we’d have gone to a casino, gambled it off, and left it to fate. If we walked out penniless, we’d have come back and ended it since I never could make it on the streets, and he would never leave me alone to die on my own in that particular case. If I became terminally ill, that’d be different. So I wouldn’t be editing my story, my rat would have to go live with someone who may not love him enough, and once again Maliheh and I would be history had things not worked out. It’s almost scary to think about how many things could’ve gone wrong along the way that could’ve prevented us from making it. Funny, as they say, there’s a reason for everything.

And so the would-be dead woman lives on to say she really wishes at times that she didn’t have ADHD. Things are taking me so much longer than they should because I can’t stay focused and so I end up wasting time because I jump from task to task. Yeah, I live a challenging life at times. But medication is a definite no-no even if I were insured. Not with all the side effects they bring, some permanent like the tardive dyskinesia I’ve got to live with for the rest of my life that the quack shrinks didn’t tell me about until it was too late.

Maliheh’s got what I thought she said was 11 magnolias in her yard, but what are actually 11 trees with 3 being magnolias in it when I went and re-read the message, and so she has to go out raking leaves tomorrow and do some housecleaning, too. I said I was sorry I couldn’t help and that I would engage in a leaf fight with her if I could, LOL. Yeah, I’d be naughty and really get my boss going! She must have a good-sized yard for all those trees. I hope she’s in a house and not a duplex, for her sake. I told her about the nightmare we went through in the Oregon duplex. When you can’t even get any peace living next to one single old lady, where can you get it from?

Let’s see… what else? She too, hates religion and the people in the Middle East cuz of the way they treat their women. She hates how the humidity there makes her hair so curly, so out comes the straightening iron when it does. I thought she had naturally straight hair.

She usually walks briskly for 35 minutes a day except for when it’s really hot and humid, and she once worked the cornfields in the Midwest to get money for clothes for the new school year. Did she come from a poor family or something? The pictures I once saw of where she lives suggests she doesn’t have much money.

She used to love to tan by the lake but didn’t swim because she doesn’t really like the water.

I wonder if she even lived in Hawaii because she mentioned the natives hating outsiders which made it rough, whatever that meant.

Once again I can’t help but wonder about the jinx-writing thing. I’ve deliberately tried to jinx-write things into happening, like how I once had a character get rich. But it seems I can’t make life imitate art. It just happens by accident, even if “Nadirah” doesn’t quite see “Joni” the way she sees her. It’s weird, though. Just weird.

I’m so glad the boss said I could keep the prank in the story now that I’ve changed the name, year and location. Yeah, with one click I changed her name 1066 times. Changing the prank would’ve been a HUGE job since it’s so much a part of the story. As I told her, it’s reality turned bullshit.

Because she hates the cold and snow, she doesn’t miss Sunderland and Amherst, but she misses the clubs and dancing, saying the 90s had great dance music. But one thing we do agree on is that the 70s had the best music!

She mentioned chatting (I assume she means with our webcams) and this idea both excites and embarrasses me. Of course I’d love to see her and hear her voice. But then she gets to see how fat, old and ugly I look these days with my dorky little pink glasses. Can’t see shit without them, though. I’m two-toned too, LOL, since my hair is dark blond on top and light brown on the bottom. But I’m never going to be young and skinny again or have good vision, so what the hell.

Tom will have to help me set things up for chatting. Other than chatroulette.com, I’ve never done this before, and that site only allowed people to see each other, not talk to each other. You still had to type to each other. But I’m not sure exactly what it is she’s talking about, so I’ll wait till I hear back from her.

I really do love our chats, though my schedule will eventually roll forward and I’ll be asleep at the times we’ve chatted so far. Guess we’ll just have to chat at other times or wait till I’m awake at those hours again. At least our schedules won’t always clash.

Got over 30 questions on Formspring today and I still think they’re from Andy. They’re written like he would write them, though saner than usual. They were interesting, but I didn’t know how to answer some of them like what requirements does it take to be a mortician? So I just made up goofy answers.

Tom and I had loads of fun playing with the rat, who seems to love to try to lick the lotion off my legs after I apply it. He’s been biting more when he gets playful, but it’s ok because he doesn’t hurt us. If he does start getting rough we tell him to ease up and he does. He’s such a sweetie. A troublemaker, but a sweetie. He was out for hours exploring and climbing all over us.

Fortunately, there have been no more bees in here since we bombed. The rat was out at the time, and so I’m sure I had to be the only one in the world to mace a bee while trying not to step on a rat, LOL.

I’ve thought about it and decided what to do as far as Helium goes. Spending hours of work for pennies isn’t my thing. So instead of doing articles, I may do the ones Marketplace Approved Writers are eligible to do whenever they happen to have any available I can do. And that’s only if I get selected for publication with my first one. Remember, I’m up against the best of the best. If they all come and kick my ass, I’m not exactly going to feel like getting up and trying to kick theirs back.

I’m just one of those who isn’t meant to make much money. The sleep curse alone tells me that. I totally believe without a doubt that it was put on me, along with the driving phobia, to help hold me back in life. It was just a miracle that I got someone like Tom who accepts me as I am. Most relationships are so much about what you can contribute to them financially and materially. So what if you might love them as they are, be a good listener, and make the person laugh when they’re down? And so what if you might be a good housekeeper and good at supporting them emotionally? It’s all about making money these days, and hey, I love money, too. I just don’t put it above and beyond love, good health and happiness.

Well, I may not make the amount of money the average person makes, but if only I could get insured, get to a sleep clinic, have them diagnose it (wacky melatonin levels are supposed to be easy to diagnose), then get my disability benefits reinstated! It may only be a few hundred a month, but I feel I am rightfully entitled to those benefits. I know I am.

In another week or so I’ll start trying to aim my schedule for that evil 4th in case Tom and I want to go anywhere that day. Even if we don’t, I know my folks will call that day and if no one answers all day, they’ll worry. They’ll constantly be checking the news for anything about NorCal being rocked with a giant earthquake, even though we’re not on any faults.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2010 Let’s see… in Realityland, my parents sent a $25 IHOP GF, Tom’s fine, the rat had fun clothes hamper diving, I talked with Maliheh, I might have “influenced” Alison to feel and sleep better, and then I ate too much. Not at the IHOP as we have yet to go. Just wish I could make my southern hottie feel better too, but she’s further away, and I’m new at this long-distance influencing thing if Aly wasn’t just a coincidence. Time will tell.

In Storyland, Alison was kind enough to suggest some really good Arabian names, both of which Maliheh likes, and we’ve decided to go with Nadirah. She’s not Arabian, BTW, just her name is. Aly and I both love unique names. No Marys, Kathys, Sarahs or Karens allowed in my books! Anyway, I will slowly comb through the manuscript, not just for errors, but to make the changes my boss wants made. Then someday when Tom and I have our own website, I just might put some of my stories up for sale there.

Tom had his jeans lying on the futon and the rat tried to pick his pocket. Tinkerbell managed to get his wallet out, but not Tinkerboy. Not yet anyway. I was drawing Figure 8’s on the floor and he was chasing my hand, as usual, and climbing all over me. Made a real rats’ nest of my hair too, LOL. He’s a klepto, so I’m careful where I leave things. When we lived in Oregon we were going to walk to the store. Tinkerbell was asleep in the closet and we agreed she’d be ok there since the store was close and we’d be back in a few minutes. But then when I went to get the list which I had thrown on top of my shoes by the door so I wouldn’t forget it, it was gone. The little devil had dragged it into her cage before heading off for her closet nap.

Haven’t heard from Mitch or Dorian in ages. Wonder what’s up with them?

Maliheh and I talked about music. Tom was a trombonist in the Air Force, so they’re more the musician type than I ever was. Words, foreign and not, are more my thing. And when I am involved in music it’s either to sing or just listen to it. I told her I could picture us laughing and teasing each other, me with her spelling and grammar and her with my lousy guitar timing and math abilities. She said she’d never laugh at the timing thing but has to try not to laugh when some of her guitar students sing off-key, as mean as she knows it is. That’s when I told her I could never be a language teacher in person. I’d never be able to keep a straight face listening to some of these people learning English. But by just listening to sound files on a computer, I can laugh all I want. And I do. :)

She had to pay $130 for a new car battery and doesn’t even want to get in her car and go anywhere tomorrow for fear of something not being right.

You can say anything you want to the people there so long as you say “bless their hearts” afterward, so she learned.

She also would never want to own a place again after owning two trailers because then she has to pay for anything that breaks. That’s definitely the worst thing about owning, but at least you can do what you want when you want to do it and not have to worry about pesky landlords that may want to do shit when you’re sleeping.

She also told me what she has for breakfast which was kinda funny, after saying we have a bit in common after I said I can’t eat much after I first get up. She mixes OJ, a banana and a raw egg in her Magic Bullet. A raw egg, LOL? That can’t be good for her cholesterol levels. I just may try it someday, though, even if that’s got to be something like a 300-calorie breakfast, and even that would be too much too close to whenever I got up. My coffee’s just 35.

In What-if-land, it’s like I said before where I have mixed emotions about things. I have no regrets about leaving the East and meeting Tom. I like my life overall, though it isn’t perfect any more than anyone else’s.

But what if? What if things had been different when I first met Maliheh? What if I hadn’t been such an ass? What if I’d been a little better looking? What if we made it big together singing in a band? LOL, I’d have loved the money, but I’d have hated the traveling, all the people I’d have to deal with, and the fame. I live like a hermit for a reason and it’s not because I don’t drive and can be a strange, eccentric and unique little bitch.

She really is one tough and talented lady, and the more I get to know her the more I’m surprised by having more in common with her than I’d have guessed. Sure, we’re different in some ways. She can at least keep a damn schedule, she can drive, and I doubt she’s crazy enough to have a mannequin standing in the corner of the room, LOL. I meant it when I told her I was a one-of-a-kind! But unlike Marie, she herself is anything but crazy. No wonder she probably doesn’t like me in that way. You know the rules – if it’s crazy, it likes me. If it’s sane, it doesn’t.

I’m also surprised by how many things I guess wrong about her. I’m usually pretty good with people, but I’m getting more wrong with her than I am right, LOL.

It’s strange thinking that when she was last in L.A. (if I’ve got my times straight), I was right under her nose in Arizona, though it was about to become more like under her chin when we dropped down from Phoenix to Maricopa, not far above the Mexican border.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2010 They’ve been Formspringing me to death again, LOL, with nearly 50 questions. I’m still trying to guess who it could be, though most do seem like questions Andy would ask and more his thing than anyone else I know. It’s fun trying to guess who it is, but not frustrating. So whoever you are, if you’re reading this journal (and I think you are) you need not step forward and identify yourself unless you want to. Most of them came in at what would have been around 9pm in Germany, but they just don’t seem like they’d come from Nane. Andy would ask something like, “Do you think cow farts are bad for the environment?” along with most of the questions, but who in the world would ask me how I got so damn good-looking, LOL? I studied the questions, the spelling, the grammar and the overall writing style and I’m still leaning toward Andy. What’s weird, though, is that he’s never hit me with so many questions at once. I first got 29 questions. Then while I was answering them, I got hit with 13 more. That’s the second time a batch came in while I was answering questions. I just don’t get how they all came in at once. They can only submit one question at a time.

I’m listening to KD Lang right now. I like some of her songs and she has a beautiful voice. How can a woman who looks so manly sound so womanly, LOL?

I was surprised (yeah, that woman is full of them) with a message from my favorite lady. Didn’t expect it cuz I thought she was busy today. She told me what she does for work. Yup, she’s a music teacher.

She also told me the other reason she was worried about my story being posted as it was. Duh! I really am stupid at times! Why didn’t I think of that one myself? Yeah, it’s about the world’s close-minded bigots. Even without her last name, her first name is unique. It’s kind of sad. Not just for obvious reasons, but if she ever met Miss Right (if she hasn’t already), she would probably be afraid to marry her no matter how much she may want to just so she wouldn’t have to worry about the shit that went with it.

I’m sure that had I been totally straight I’d still be ok with gays. What the hell would I care about who others slept with? Sometimes I just wish I didn’t have this nearly 20-year-old crush because it’s pointless, but it’s also loads of fun at the same time. :)

Some of you know that I had a thing for one of the guards in the jail I was in a decade ago and that they had a thing for me, too. She practically had to spell it out for me that she liked me, though, because I’m always afraid to assume things that may not be true. As you also know, I’ve done that before, and so I try not to make the same mistake and let my wishful thinking get me carried away into thinking or believing what isn’t true. My point? Well, I know this isn’t the case, but at first I was worried that the only reason Maliheh was being nice to me was that she felt it was the only way to ensure that I kept on respecting her request not to publish the book with her name in it. But now I know better, and just for the record, I prefer to run and hide from those I may not get along with unlike 20 years ago when I preferred to get even. The shit for neighbors we had in Phoenix was a different story. I wanted to ignore them, but at just a few feet away, they wouldn’t let me.

It seems I misunderstood her, though. I thought she only wanted the name, year and state changed only if I were to post it online or try to sell it, but that if it just sat there in Word doing nothing, it didn’t matter. But she expressed a desire for it to be changed either way and said she’d hate to see me “waste my talent,” blushes with flattery and that I should try to sell it when it’s done. That goes to prove that no, the idea of me profiting from it was not a concern like some had thought it might be. She wants me to make money doing what I love. The problem is it just isn’t that easy no matter how good you may be because there’s just so much competition out there. Why, I’m not sure, for as I told her, most people hate to write and aren’t very good at it. But I do enjoy it, it’s in my blood, it’s who I am, and so I can’t stop whether or not I get paid. All I can do is keep improving any way I can and make sure my spelling and grammar are right on and that it flows well. If it doesn’t read smoothly and you gotta re-read a sentence of mine more than once just to get it (assuming you aren’t incredibly stupid), then I didn’t do a good job as a writer.

She read my running article, too. :) And again I am both surprised and flattered. :) I just didn’t think she’d be interested. I hope these entries aren’t too long or too boring for her.

Going back to her unique name, I wonder if I should start omitting my dreams of her. She hasn’t asked me to, but it’s something to think about.

I’m gonna let her pick out her new name for the story when she gets a chance. She said Malika (I’m still trying to keep her Arabian as we not only need more books with lezzy leads but also with more Arab/Jew couples to help promote tolerance there, too) is not exotic enough. I don’t like Nada which is also a Spanish word for the word nothing. I really don’t think she’d like to be called nothing any more than her real name. Nashita is a definite no-no. I doubt she’d want any “shit” in her name either.

She’s almost an inch taller than me – woot! She’s 4’ 11½”. I usually like ladies to have dark hair, dark eyes, and be taller and heavier. Hey, three outa four ain’t bad! The number on the scale could be changed, but with Twix candy bars and fried chicken running around out there in this world, it ain’t gonna change much. I must seem like a real blimp in comparison, muscular or not. :(

She’s just amazing appearance-wise. It all goes to hell for most of us when we hit 30 (for me it was 32). What made her such a fluke of nature and so damn privileged? I wonder.

Today I had the runs twice and more palpitations. Strangely enough, though, my heart settled down after I talked with Tom and had some decaf coffee. Oh, can’t forget the bad news she had for me and that’s that I may have perimenopause based on my heart palpitations. She said it takes years to go through and so do the hot flashes, vertigo and shit like that. She could have a point, though I haven’t had any hot flashes or vertigo. She said vertigo got really scary for her when she was driving.

Why can’t I just turn 65 instead of 45? Then I could be past menopause, older than Tom (since women live longer and he’s 8 years older) and eligible for Medicare. And hey, if I’m not all that great-looking now, why not get even uglier, LOL?

If she’s right, though, and someone had told me a year or so ago when this first started that she of all people would be the one to diagnose me, so to speak, I’d have laughed my ass off so hard, LMAO! I told Tom what she said and asked if he thought she was right and he said she very well could be from what he read about it. I’m the right age. I also asked if he thought God hated women. He said he didn’t know about that. I sure feel like something sure seems to hate us!

Ok, that’s it for now. Now I’m off and editing, wishing my arms were long enough to reach out and hug my GF.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2010 Someone in Italy found this blog by doing a search for “Italian foster parents,” LOL. I still miss mine, but I can’t find them. There are no obits on them in MA, but they are old and the halfway houses they owned are gone now, so I doubt they’re still alive. :( I was the only minor there back in 1982 and the only foster kid they ever had. If they are still alive then they’re not in MA. They would be in their early to mid-80s today.

Anyway, I got a little down last night. I do that at times, but fortunately it isn’t too often lately. Sometimes I just feel stuck in a rut and like life is one big waiting game where I’m waiting for things that never happen or take forever to happen. Or wishing for the impossible.

Maliheh surprised me again with an email message. It seems she was waiting till I got up. She knows that when I first get up I usually reply to comments. She said she was having a hell of a day with car trouble, and what’s wrong with trailers? She’s lived in them before. And I’m only trash if I tell myself that and she doubts anyone else thinks so, but if they do I don’t need them in my life. This was in reference to my last entry saying I sometimes feel like trailer trash going nowhere in life.

Later…

A 6-year-old girl sent out into the hallway of her school gazes through the window in the door to her classroom. Long braids trailing to her tush, she watches with a big grin on her face as the teacher and students tear up the room in search of the glasses she hid on her not-so-lucky fellow classmate. She knows where they are, but she’ll never tell.

They eventually find them hiding behind some books on a shelf, but she is still laughing, even though she knows she’s going to have a seriously sore ass come later on that afternoon.

Yeah, that 6-year-old was me. And yeah, I was a real little shit at times, LOL.

I forgot to say this in my last post, but at the end of my day yesterday I got hit with lots of palpitations. They’re annoying, so I hope that doesn’t happen again or at least not too often. I mean, I’m sure it’s gonna happen again as the damn things seem to have become a regular part of my life. I just wish they wouldn’t come so often at times.

Swapped messages with Maliheh. I cannot believe how often we’ve swapped messages! And how much she’s shared with me. It’s still not much, but it’s more than I expected to ever learn. I still can’t believe I’m talking to Maliheh B of all people! I just can’t believe it, like wow! grins with delight

It’s amazing just how far we’ve come in such a short time. Life is strange at times. We couldn’t get it right when we were practically neighbors, but here we are, so far away, yet closer than I ever would have thought we’d become even though she doesn’t like me in the way I like her. And yeah, that kinda sucks, but it’s also ok at the same time. Her liking me as a friend is better than nothing. Talk about having mixed emotions, though! I’m glad I got the hell out of New England and glad I met Tom, but sorry she and I didn’t work out.

It’s amazing and even funny in a way to learn that the so-called mean bitch really is human after all. And as she herself is no doubt learning, so is her troublemaker. Yeah, maybe we’re not so “opposite” after all, just like I told her.

Learning about her has been an interesting and fascinating experience. I really thought she’d turn out to be little more than just a mean little asshole all wrapped up in a pretty package.

Although I don’t know when it was, I was surprised she was homeless twice in L.A. She said she met this really nice guy who helped her out by showing her how to get one-day-old bread, where to get the right food from the garbage can, etc. He got up at the ass crack of dawn and collected cans and bottles for 7 hours until he had enough to get dinner with. The man really worked for a living, she said, and to this day she has a lot of respect for him. She took a night job so she could park her car in a park and sleep in back of it. I’m surprised she could do that there without anyone bothering her or the pigs telling her to move.

She said this is why trailers seem like a palace to her. I told her about our miserable 36 hours of homelessness a few years ago (assuming she hasn’t read my bio) and how the motel room seemed HUGE when we could return to it.

She might have a bug from being sneezed on, and so I’m doing spells to help kill it. I asked where she’s been that she’s being sneezed on, and guessed her job to be in law enforcement, though I know that’s not true. I just don’t want her to know that I know she gives guitar lessons. Or at least I think she does.

Before she crashed she said not to let the asstrolls get to me, LOL. I like that one!

Her saying she thinks too many people have been sneezing on her sure got me thinking about a question on Formspring where someone asked: Can you get sick if an old lady sneezes on ya?

Was it her? Hmm…it was well spelled and written for her. She may have potential but is otherwise a lousy writer like Marie was and I often have to re-read things to get what she’s saying.

I think of her a lot. She’s always there in my mind. When I write, she’s there. When I’m out running, she’s there. When I’m doing the dishes, she’s there. When I’m in the shower, she’s there. When I’m out running errands, she’s there. When I’m in bed, she’s there. blushes Well, not literally, but I can dream, can’t I?

I wonder about her life, past and present, and I picture us in all kinds of scenarios. I’ve never been the “man” in any of my relationships with women, so even though I think I might be bigger I let her take care of me, so to speak. I’m sure she’d at least like bossing me around, LOL. I imagine us hanging out together talking, laughing, joking, maybe working out together, singing, listening to music, doing things on the computer, and yes, that too. Even I know that Fantasyland just wouldn’t be complete without that. And so that happens on the moonlit path of my imagination quite frequently.

Once again I can’t help but think about how life can sometimes imitate art. I write this book about us reuniting, falling for each other, etc. Then we reunite for real. I don’t think she’ll ever fall for me, but still. We’ve become friends and it’s just really weird that the same kinds of things aren’t happening but they are.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2010 I got up at noon and was kind of bummed, though not surprised, not to find a reply from Maliheh to the message I sent her telling her I was thinking of her and to have a good day.

“What did you expect?” I asked myself. “You know the feeling’s not mutual. You may never hear from her again. Get over it and move on.”

Well, the feeling may still not be mutual, LOL, but I did hear from her later. Not saying what she said, though. :)

I slept solidly for the first 6 hours, but in the last couple of hours, I woke up often. At least it’s been quiet around here. Too cold but quiet.

Still not sure what to make of all the Formspring questions I got yesterday. Not much has come in today so far, but I don’t think they’re all from Andy. Some of them seem like questions he’d ask. He and I both have that sick, crazy sense of humor, but some of them seem like they could be from a teenage girl. If that’s him, though, trying to throw me off, he’s done a great job, LOL.

I’ve wondered about Nane, Maliheh and Marie, but this doesn’t seem like Nane or Maliheh’s thing. They’ve been weird, interesting and fun. I hope they come back, though receiving 30 questions a day 3 times a day is a bit much.

Later…

So, it’s true. Maliheh not only played the guitar and was a roadie manager in a band for a while, but a singer, too! So she lived out one of my old dreams for a while. Why does this make me sad? Huh? Why am I still saddened by people getting things I haven’t even wanted in like forever now???

She said she was glad she did it but it was time to move on. The lead guitarist died of a heart attack a couple of weeks ago and was a good friend, and she said it’s been hard on her. She said she had mixed emotions about watching a DVD of one of their gigs. She also has permanent shoulder damage from toting the PA systems all those years. Now she only performs for benefits.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2010 Thank God rats come with collapsible rib cages. I accidentally started to sit on the poor guy!

When I awoke to 22 questions on Formspring my first thought was that the troll was on a roll over there now too, but these questions, as incredibly weird as some of them may be, don’t seem like the troll’s style. But clearly, it’s someone who knows me. They know I’m Jewish, they know what town I live in, and they know I have a sister. I’m surprised there were no questions about my GF. And I hope she doesn’t mind my calling her that, though my very outspoken boss will surely let me know it if she does, LOL. Thanks to whoever left me the nice comment here saying she probably wishes I’d succeeded in killing myself. I deleted it, and any more shit like it will be deleted as well.

Despite having the period from hell and the cold 50-something-degree weather, I made myself get out and run.

My competition for getting my article chosen and published for $56 is climbing. I can’t see what the others have written, though.

Tom just had me cracking up after I said I missed having incense around. “So get some of that instead of sniffles or whatever it is you said you wanted to get,” he says. Well, those “sniffles” are really “sniffies.” They’re perfume samples.

Later…

Geez, they hit me with 20 additional questions on Formspring! Is it Andy? Yeah, it probably is. When I tried to ask if it was him a few days ago, he simply replied with, “Isn’t Formspring supposed to be anonymous?” And he insisted I was just trying to get “info” out of him, whatever that meant.

But some of the questions don’t seem that Andyish. It could be that he’s just trying to throw me off, but while asking if Cheryl Ladd’s vagina speaks to me at night and what gay men eat for breakfast may be more his style, the person asked what I meant by saying “just two words lying under carpet” when I left a strange answer to one of the strange questions. But he should know and remember this joke clearly. It’s from an old Stevie Nicks song where it sounds like she’s saying “just two words lying under carpet,” when it’s really “dusty words lying under carpet.”

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2010 I’m signing in a little blonder than I intended to be and wondering just what kind of temporary insanity I may’ve suffered in my sleep last night.

To both my surprise and Tom’s, I actually look good as a blond. With my fair skin and green eyes, it’s ok so long as it’s not super blond. I just wish it covered evenly, but while it’s dark blond on top, it’s light brown on the bottom.

As for the loss of sanity; I don’t know what happened. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep till 3am, but that’s part of what this kind of sleep disorder entails. I hadn’t slept much for the last few days so I knew I would sleep forever, and I did. I didn’t get up till 12:30. But when I got up the little notepad I keep by my bed in case I remember something to write about or to do after I’ve shut down for the day, was on the other side of the shelf above the bed, and the first few pages had been torn out and thrown on the floor.

WTF?????????? Just WTF was that all about?????????

Tom said I probably had a dream about writing something down or something like that, but all I remember is dreaming about living in a two-story place where it snows, which isn’t going to happen unless Tom was offered a job that paid at least $30 an hour, and twirling around in a long, full-skirted dress, then stopping to wave to someone off in the distance.

The biggest shocker is that Maliheh and I have sort of become friends! Here’s what would get me dumped by her in a heartbeat, though, if she ever found out about it. Yeah, I know it’s rather devious of me, but it seemed to be part of what drew us together and finally got her talking to me. I pretended to have another troll on my case and made them appear to have known her at one point or someone she knew. Again, I know it’s wrong and I intend to be totally honest from here on out.

This was when she told me she had 16 friend requests pending, including mine, but hasn’t felt like adding anyone and is thinking of shutting down on Facebook due to all their problems, and we agreed to keep in touch on Yahoo.

As I said online, I will use my best judgment as to what I say about her in public. I guess she wouldn’t mind trivial things, but if she tells me anything personal like what she does for work and things like that, it won’t be mentioned. I may be Miss I Don’t Give a Shit and she’s Miss Private. We both may be bitches, but she’s definitely not as “talkative.” We’re even different where we’re the same – she’s a mean bitch and I’m a crazy bitch. :) So even in Bitchland we’re as different as night and day. I guess that except for Tom, I don’t attract opposites but they attract me. :)

I asked what she thought of the story and she said she didn’t read it because she hates to read and has eye issues.

The first thing that came to mind was yeah, right! I think she did read it but just doesn’t want to admit it because she doesn’t want to have to critique the story and say what she liked/disliked. I asked Alison and even she doesn’t buy it, though I’m sure she does have an eye problem.

I admire that she had the balls to admit she’s a bitch and would never win Miss Congeniality, and as I told her, I accept her as she is. I always try to accept those as they are. If the person’s abusive, that’s one thing, but if they’re just being who they are, that’s another. Even she said that if her speaking her mind and her not liking child molesters, rapists and murderers makes her a bitch, oh well. As I told her, though, if those things make her a bitch, then she’s an AWESOME bitch!

She likes this reality show called Amazing Race and was pissed that the football game went longer and delayed the show.

I get the impression she’s single, but who knows for sure?

I realize I may’ve guessed some things about her incorrectly. I guess I better not assume too much where she’s concerned, LOL, cuz she sometimes comes out and surprises me. I really didn’t think she’d care one way or the other about my articles, but she not only told me she read them but that she thought they were good. This was quite flattering! I was practically dancing with delight and grinning like a mad idiot for hours, LOL.

In regards to the one I wrote on teen suicide, she said: Nice article on the suicideyou wrote. I v always said an alcoholic is one drink away from being a drunk and a person who has tried suicide is one thought away from being suicidal again. I don’t believe it ever leaves a person..you just keep it under control. Buts that just what I feel.

I told her it’s so true. Every time the shit hits the fan in my life I think of suicide.

She said she has trouble falling asleep but is fine once she’s asleep and I told her to think of me and she’d fall asleep and that I’d will her to sleep and that she better dream wet and wild, LOL. Yeah, I flirt with her at times, and while she tolerates it, she hasn’t flirted back. I agree with Alison when she said she must like me at least a little to communicate with me. I hope so anyway, LOL.

I also realize that she may not be as indifferent as I thought she would be as far as what happens to me. A few days ago I’d have told you she’d probably shrug and say, “I don’t care,” if someone told her I was hit by a car, but now I’m not so sure anymore.

She’s smart, too. Anyone that can put up with that Mac crap she’s into has to be somewhat of a brainiac, LOL. Even those Crapple keyboards suck! Most of my favorite programs simply weren’t Mac compatible, and so I went Mac and was quick to go back. :)

Yesterday she said, “It’s Saturday and that means I have to go to work. Do you know what I do for work?”

I said my only guess was that it was music-related cuz of how her friend said he used to play drums for her and knew her from the music scene, but other than that I didn’t know where to begin as far as guessing what she does.

Sure enough, she didn’t tell me. But she did answer one of my questions, believe it or not. I asked what her favorite color was. She said someone got frustrated with her last week that asked that because she doesn’t have a favorite color.

I exchanged emails with Alison and a few messages with Nane on Facebook. I don’t feel the excitement I used to feel when something would come in from Nane, which suddenly seems to be more and more all of a sudden, but it’s still nice to hear from her.

Yesterday we got two crossword tickets. One lost, the other won $12. Not the hundred or more bucks the dream premonition suggested it may be, but $12 is better than the free ticket or $4 I had been winning before.

Tom and I were having a rather hilarious debate yesterday while we were sitting in the car having burgers and fries when we were bombing. He thinks I could run longer, but not faster than him.

I laughed and said, “My ass you could!”

“Leg length makes a big difference,” he added.

“Yeah, but I’m fitter and I’m lighter. I suppose you think you could kick my ass, too.”

“I didn’t say that, but I could run faster.”

And so I told him he was welcome to let me show him how easily I could leave him in the dust whenever he’s ready. :)

After eating we went to a drugstore and browsed around. I ended up getting a 10-pack of flavored lip gloss, and some scented lotions that were on sale: Sun Blossom and Flower Passion. There’s glitter in it which looks cool. I didn’t realize this at first till I looked down and saw myself sparkling, LOL.

Unfortunately, we had to leave the rat on the porch cuz his cage wouldn’t fit in the back of the car. When we got back we had to wait for a half-hour so he sat in the car with us and explored the front and middle sections of the car.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2010 It’s after noon now, so I feel confident they’re not going to turn off our power today, and I don’t hear anyone working out on the main road. At least not from what I could hear when I walked up to an open window.

Interesting Formspring questions I got. It’s obvious whoever asked them knows at least a little about me. Hmm…wonder who they could be from and why they chose to be anonymous?

Last night I sent Maliheh a message. But what did I get? Nothing as usual. So again, fuck it. Just fuck it. I get the message! I will fuck off and never bother her again. I was so very flattered to have her follow my blog regularly, even if she didn’t care about me personally, and I guess I still am, but what’s the point? I just don’t get it. If she can dislike me enough to ignore me, then why bother with my blog? It’s like she ignores me but she doesn’t. WTF is up with that??? Fuck trolls and fuck those who don’t give a damn about me! Just fuck ‘em! At least I’m the one who’s warmer now – na, na, na, na, na, na!

I swapped messages yesterday with Eileen and Nane (OMG, you mean somebody actually cares?!) who told me in all caps that she wasn’t mad at me and added lots of smileys. She too, noticed the messages weren’t going through and that the chat feature was broken. As I told her, once I saw that everyone was ignoring my messages I knew that all those people couldn’t be mad at me, LOL.

Helium may be more promising than I thought now that I’ve learned more about my status as a Marketplace Approved Writer. You can write about certain topics that pay (if they select your article to publish) an average of $30 - $90 and require 200-2000 words. The only catch is that they don’t have many of these and they pick the topic. You also have to follow their writing guidelines. You can’t just write it however you want. You have to mention specific things.

I submitted one article and the submission deadline is the 17th of this month. Then they have till the 15th of next month to make their decision. I’m trying not to get too hopeful since these other Marketplace Approved Writers were given that title for the same reason I was – because they were thought to be good. And some of these writers are a lot better than me so I’m up against some serious competition and not likely to succeed. If by some miracle I do, however, then I’ll have made $56 for writing a 429-word article that took less than 15 minutes.

My writing score dropped to 91%, though I’m up a dime in ad revenue. While that may be piddly shit, the cool thing about it is that I don’t need to do a thing to get it. Just being a Marketplace Approved Writer is all it takes!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2010 The first part of this entry was written by hand at 1pm:

I’m writing this by hand and will type it up later when the power is back on. Yeah, we’re having another one of those because they’re working on the main road. I’m starting to worry this will become a regular thing. Fortunately, I can type around 200 WPM, so it shouldn’t take long to type and post this.

I called Jesse from the cell shortly after it went out at 11am. He was home, though it took him a while to answer. An hour later he came down to tell me he just talked to the electric company, and they said the power would be back on in an hour. I hope so because we’ve got a lot of shit in the freezer! At least it won’t be 90º today. Just around 80º instead. It’s a gorgeous, quiet sunny day. It’s days like this, especially since it’s already November and I had to sleep with the window open and the fan on last night, that makes me think we don’t live in such a bad climate after all. But in a few days, it will be cold and rainy and I’ll be dreaming of some nice tropical place.

The power’s now been off for two hours. I was hoping that starting to write by hand would jinx it into coming back on, but nope. Not yet. I also got tired of sitting around bored out of my mind and doing nothing.

Maybe I should go fix my broken windsock.

Tom’s got to get crossword scratch tickets for sure. Especially after last night’s dream. It must’ve been a big winner because it seems like he had half a dozen or more words. What was funny was that two of them were swears, but they were perfectly acceptable. It said so in the rules, LOL. The weird thing was that we didn’t know the amount we won right away. It was something that had to be looked up. Some time seemed to pass in the dream and I asked Tom, “Did you ever look up to find what we won?” and he said no, he’d just take the ticket in tomorrow.

I got to thinking of certain people, and I am so tired of giving and getting nothing in return. Everyone’s ignoring my messages despite my asking them to reply. One can only meet others halfway so many times before they say “fuck it. Just fuck it.”

I’ve offered my friendship to these people, they didn’t want it, so now it’s time to move on. I’ll think of them from time to time and I wish them well, but I’m sick of reaching out to others who simply don’t give a damn. Tom gives a damn and that’s what’s most important. I’d rather only he care than for 1000 others to care. Those others would’ve been just bonuses, though nice ones. But if I’m not good enough for you, why should you be good enough for me? Because you might be good-looking? I don’t think so!

I’ll be here if they ever change their minds, but for now, why come to my blog or anything like that if you don’t care?

I’ve cleaned the bathroom, trimmed and polished my fingernails and toenails, and now I don’t know what else to do other than to write and play with the rat. Why is it he comes to me when I call him, but he ignores me when I tell him not to go where I don’t want him going?

Someone’s chainsawing now. I hope Jesse doesn’t spoil the peace with the damn bulldozer, but I don’t think he will.

I just went outside and whoever’s sawing is in back.

The leaves of the Trees of Heaven are turning gold and soon they’ll fall off.

I’m starting to think that what they told Jesse is wrong and that the power will be off till around 4pm like last time.

Before the power failure, which was kind enough to wait till after I got up, I saw that my writing score made quite a jump to 95%. I have 4 articles at #1 too, and am up to 6¢ in ad revenue.

I’ve been seriously slacking off on story writing because I’ve been busy focusing on articles. I’d write part of my story by hand, but I don’t remember where I left off. Guess I’ll start another one!

This part was written now:

The power was off for 4 hours and didn’t come back on till 3pm. And all those people I thought were ignoring me just didn’t get my messages (I’ll write about it later) because Facebook is fucked up for the millionth time. :(

I told Maliheh, who’s apparently getting antsy for my next update, that I sent her a message on FB last night and to please reply, but that’s one person I don’t expect to hear from.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2010 To me, Maliheh’s coming to my blog has become like a special meeting place for us. A place where we meet, acknowledge one another’s existence and keep in touch. It doesn’t make up for the lack of contact but it’s something.

I tell myself that someday I’ll forget her and I’ll move on. Someday I’ll go back to being not mean and not a prankster, but not forgiving and not friendly. While I understand Maliheh will totally disagree with this, Maliheh’s worst fault was making me feel led on and then cruelly dumped before I was even given a chance. Before we were given a chance to become anything together. But as she said 19 years ago, she wasn’t interested in me or becoming anything. Can I blame her for my being too stupid to figure that out? It wasn’t her fault I let my own hopes and desires prevent me from seeing that the attraction wasn’t mutual. And it’s certainly not her fault I handled it all wrong and started prank-calling her and letting Fran get her number so he could threaten her. The point I’m trying to make is that I wish I could stop caring for those who don’t care about me! But I’ve been in love and lust with those who basically don’t even know I exist a few times in my life. I know this happens to everyone at some point, but it still gets old.

Damnit! There goes Jesse on the fucking bulldozer. This was after he gunned the motorcycle 3 or 4 times in less than an hour for seemingly no reason at all, and went zooming around on the ATV. Yeah, I figured the peace couldn’t last a whole week. What the hell is he doing up there??? I doubt he could be clearing space to build anything since the steepness and trees don’t leave him much space for building, so what could he possibly need to bulldoze for so many hours at a time? He hasn’t got enough room up there for farming either, so I just don’t get what he’s doing other than being a major annoyance.

People have been messaging me to suggest I edit the story like Maliheh wanted and re-post it. Oh, but it’s a lot more work than you think! For example, if I change the name Maliheh, I’ve got to come up with a similar name since one of the neighbors accidentally referred to her as Maria, or change that, too. There’s also the part where I tell her the meaning of her name. Well, that’s another thing that would have to be changed. So one change usually leads to several more. I may as well just put all my energy into creating fresh stuff.

I made a whole cent on the writing site so far. Yeah, lucky me, huh? But I know I really have more than a penny since the accounts don’t reflect most things till the end of the month. After that, I’ll probably quit.

I don’t get why so many people say they can’t even achieve one star. In just a day I got two, so I don’t understand why they’re having such a hard time. If you just use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation and remember to use paragraph breaks, there shouldn’t be a problem.

We’ve been having warm days and cold nights.

Every now and then I search for what new stuff may come up on Maliheh, and I wonder if she’s a guitar teacher or some sort of musical instructor based on a comment of hers I found on a public post.

Later…

That penny in my writing account is ad revenue – duh! I forgot about that. Like I said, I’ve got to wait till the end of the month to see what I’ve earned, but the good news is that all but one of my articles is in the top 5, and 3 of them are in the #1 spot!

Other than a few minor annoyances from Jesse and having a bee scare the crap out of me that managed to break in, I feel very ignored and abandoned. Not by Alison and Kim, but I feel like everyone else is ignoring me. I was hoping Nane would “like” some of the pictures I uploaded (at least Marilena did) after I’ve “liked” some of hers, but nope. Not a peep out of her. No messages, no comments, no liking anything, no responding to the chat I tried to initiate. Nothing from Dieter either in response to a German question I asked him, who “poked” Alison, so she told me.

Even Mitch and Eileen are ignoring me and that’s totally not like them at all, though I know they’ve been to my blog.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2010 Once again I’m contemplating leaving Helium. First, though, I got my Marketplace Approved Writer badge in just 3 days. This is for writers they feel do a better job than most and they give them this so that they stand out to publishers. This is quite a compliment as I know some people can’t even get one star and others aren’t even allowed to write for Helium in the first place.

But when I saw I still had two stars yet still $0 I was like whoa! I’m working for free. Then I delved more into the payment and earnings and how it all works. Now it looks like I have to get “selected and published” to get any money if I’m reading things right, and the most I could earn from an article is $2.50 but that’s only if I have 5 stars, something I can’t imagine I’ll ever have. Only the best of the best achieve even 4 stars. My articles are only worth a buck with two stars.

Some girl on ripoffreport.com said that before they made it a rule to pay only those with at least one star, she wrote for them for a year but could never achieve a star. Then she tried to cash out at $20 saying she couldn’t achieve a star but wanted to cash out anyway and close her account, but they wouldn’t let her and so she could never get her $20 or the articles removed. They just kept telling her to get that star she could never get.

So I’ll really have to think about whether or not I want to keep writing there. Praise isn’t something I care about, but money is. I’d rather 100 people tell me I was lousy while I at least got paid for my time and work, rather than 1 person tell me I’m great and not receive a penny.

Marie unblocked me on Facebook but hasn’t added me back. If she tries to I’m not going to accept it this time around. I wish her well, but I think we’re better off just getting on with our lives.

Later…

Tom and I read up on Helium some more and clearly, I can make more money on MT, but I decided to give it another month just to see what happens. This is because they select, publish and pay their writers on the 24th of every month. So I won’t know for a while if I’ve made any money yet.

Jesse’s been amazingly quiet despite the warm weather we’ve been having. Just heard the motorcycle a couple of times today and that was it.

We’re going to have to bomb this weekend since the creepy-crawly count is on the rise.

Let’s see… what else? Not much other than receiving 19 views from my stalker today. But I got an extra one from someone special.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2010 Now that the rat is settled back in his cage (after practically dragging me around the place by the hem of my robe for nearly half an hour) I can make an update.

I’ve hidden my friend list thanks to crazy Molly going down the list and harassing them and thanks to MyOpera’s lack of willingness to do anything about this crazy mother-fucker. Yeah, my karma for adding Maliheh’s friends. Only I simply added them. I didn’t go and harass them. I did discuss the book with one of them and ask another how they knew Maliheh, but that was it. So the karma doesn’t quite fit the crime.

Incredibly, Jesse did give us a day of peace yesterday. I heard some loud vehicle up there at around 9am today so he might’ve just been getting propane.

Tom and I were joking about getting our own piece of land, hauling this trailer out to live in till we built a better house, then laughing over the thought of Jesse’s reaction to coming down here one day to find nothing but his hideous strips of fake grass and a big bold “bet you need a beer now!” spray-painted in bright letters along a part of the mountainside that mostly consists of rock and dirt, LOL! Yeah, you can really let your creative side fly when you get pissed at someone, LOL, even if it might get you in trouble at times.

I talked to my dad this morning. Mom was out getting a part on her car fixed. I was telling him I dreamt that Tom and I were in Florida last night. It was surprisingly dry and cool for being Florida, but I loved it and wished we could move there. As I also told him, I don’t know why we didn’t just go to their place in the dream, but instead we went to an abandoned motel to save money. We weren’t there long, though, cuz some guy with a tow truck came and told us to get the hell out or else he’d tow our car away. So we started packing as fast as we could, but the more we packed, the more we seemed to have left to pack.

I was saying how we still hope to buy a house in a couple of years but don’t know what state or if it’ll be in a rural or retirement setting. I asked if he thought barking dogs would be an issue in a retirement community, and he said no. He said they have a Homeowner’s Association where he can technically go in his neighbor’s backyard because it’s his land too, but he can’t leave a dog out there.

He also lives where most dogs are considered household pets unlike the West, and so that’s why I worried that dogs would be left outdoors 24/7 even in a retirement community out here, but he doesn’t think it would be that way if that’s what we go with.

He said just pick a state we feel we’ll be happiest in, and as I told him, that’ll depend on how the money is at the time. It’s kind of a Catch-22 when you think about it because if he has a good job at the time, we won’t want to throw it away to move, yet if we’re broke at the time we still couldn’t move anyway. So I think we’ll probably be in NorCal all our lives even if it’s too cold half of the time. I just don’t want to risk getting into similar jams like when we moved to Oregon and then here.

I told him Jesse’s out of work due to a bad back and getting on my nerves with bulldozers and his fleet of various vehicles, and he said maybe he’ll hurt his back some more soon enough. I laughed and said that was exactly what I was thinking, LOL.

He asked about restaurants here and as I told him, we don’t go out to eat much since it’s too expensive. He said they have too big of a variety to choose from where they are, but that it doesn’t cost them as much because they get senior discounts. They can’t eat as much as they used to, he said, so they take the rest home.

Dad’s now down to 188 pounds, saying there was once a time he was 217. I told him Tom lost 50 pounds. He’s now down to 235 and dropping. I’m still between 125-130 because I just can’t discipline myself to stick to 1000 calories day after day after day. I wish I couldn’t eat as much, but if it weren’t for money and weight gain I could and would eat all the time. I love to eat!

Ma’s at 160-something and trying to lose a little weight. That’s still not too bad even though she’s only about 5’ 3”. She still has to take two shots of insulin a day too, because she’s diabetic – ugh!

I asked him if he thought the health care reform thing was a joke or if it would really kick in since we don’t know for sure that Tom will have a permanent position anywhere in the near future since they’re getting harder and harder to get. It’s like the whole damn country’s nothing but temp workers these days! He said they’ve got to do something and take care of their own instead of doing so much for other countries as a way of maintaining friendly relations.

“They should quit kissing ass and just send a cute little e-card instead and show their friendliness that way,” I said, and he agreed.

I told him about Helium and said I didn’t expect it to pay much but I’m giving it a try. I almost quit. It just seemed like a lot of work and steps you had to go through in order to achieve one lousy star, and the last thing I want to do is work for a damn star and not money. But when I woke up this morning to check for a stats update, I found I had two stars and a writing score of 87.58%. Two of my articles rank #1. So maybe I’ll stick with it a while longer.

Instead of Marie dropping in on my blog from time to time like I told her to in that one message I sent her before accepting her friend invite, she dropped me as a friend and blocked me instead. I guess she really wants someone who will basically devote their entire life to her, but this is cool. Now I know I don’t have to worry about her bothering me. Instead, I’m being stalked by Molly. Hey, someone’s gotta stalk me, huh? It just can’t be anyone as good-looking and as sane as Maliheh or Nane. beats head

Well, Jesse’s around. I went into the kitchen for some water when I saw Whiskey outside. I went out and said hello and patted him for a few minutes.

[memes-saved-me]

I seriously don't understand why people constantly have to be shitty about what characters we like. Like granted at first I had a rather childish view on Billy but because I was an abused kid with a support group, so I was more mad that oh you went through that and choose to repeat it? Literally took me years to fully understand Billy's complexity and now he's my favorite. Also I Eddie is my second favorite character, but I fucking hate finding Eddie blogs because they all decide to just be fucking dicks to the Billy fans, or insist you have to like one or the other. Like why the fuck do y'all care so much? Let people like their fictional characters and stay in your lane if you don't share the same opinion!

Yes exactly! I personally latched onto Billy because no one knew of my abuse so I was alone and scared to tell anyone. Through this fandom I managed to realise what had happened to be properly and gave me the confidence to finally tell my mother which led to her making sure I never had to see my father again. Without Billy I think I'd still be that angry version of myself who didn't know how to deal with my experiences and trauma.

I totally get not understanding Billy because he probably doesn't understand himself but like you said once you got it you understood him. But people who bash Billy and say they're glad he was dead really don't understand that they're also talking about every abuse victim/survivor who relates to him. The lack of empathy is honestly concerning.

I love Eddie. He's a great character but the people who have latched onto him are really something else. I see them bullying actual alt people on tiktok and shit with their Eddie pfp and think wtf?? I'm hoping they move onto the next white boy of the month soon because its getting tiring having teenagers tell me to get help because I relate to Billy and ship him with Steve.

I miss the early 2010s when everyone was obsessed with villains and shit. They're fictional and really not as important as antis make out. If someone uses a character to process their abuse how is that hurting you? Oh it isn't. Don't even get me started on the st*ddie fics being posted in the Billy/Steve tag on ao3 with Billy as an abuser....🙄

My biggest advice is to block and move on. These idiots don't deserve your time or energy and they certainly aren't entitled to your attention. Block and go so they can scream into the void with their bullshit

[bugsbucky]

Special Birthday Girl

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Prompt: DDs: it’s your birthday and unfortunately, you and Sebastian/Bucky had a fight a few days ago and still aren’t talking. There’s a delivery of a large bouquet of flowers from your partner but the note attached makes you anxious he’s hinting for a breakup. How do you make up when you learn the note was just worded incorrectly?

Warnings: Angst, lots of tension, fluff, happy ending!

Word Count: 1,466 (Yikes!)

Authors Notes: This is for @the-ss-horniest-book-club​​ Extended Drunk Drabbles! A really really big thank you to my tumblrmama @hawksmagnolia​​​ for your help with this prompt! Couldn’t have finished it without you!! 

Happy birthday sweetheart!!! Hope you have a great day!

Many kisses Y/N! Have a fantastic day!

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy birthday, you beautiful human!

The birthday messages kept pouring in from your friends and family. Everyone close to you had wished you a happy birthday, everyone except Bucky.

The atmosphere in your tiny single bedroom apartment was uncomfortably thick. Even his Avenger friends picked up on the tension as soon as they had walked into the space.

The two of you had had a pretty heated fight a week ago about his continued grumpiness. Bucky was tired, you understood that since he’s been working so much, but his short patience with you was making you crazy. It seemed he bit your head off every time you opened your mouth. You were officially done with his surly mood so you chose to put him in his place, warning him that if he didn’t stop talking to you like that then he shouldn’t bother talking to you at all.

Since that day, he has chosen the latter and hasn’t spoken to you since. Whenever you and Bucky have fought in the past, one of you would usually break the silence after an hour. You kept expecting him to try and fix things, like apologise for his hostile remarks but nothing. You feared this was the end of your relationship, that this was his way of breaking up without saying it.

It was like two strangers under the same roof. You still shared the same bed, but at different times. You cooked and ate your own meals separately and spent most of the day in a different room away from each other.

 But today was your birthday and while you were really happy to receive such beautiful messages from those who loved you, the memory of your angry outburst and his silence sat heavily on top of your shoulders. Just knowing that you and Bucky weren’t okay was making it difficult to enjoy your day.

A sudden knock echoes throughout the apartment startles you and your head jerks to the door in the hopes to hear Bucky striding to answer it. When you hear nothing after a couple of heartbeats another loud knock comes. You huff in frustration and stomp towards the door. You hadn’t heard Bucky leave the apartment and knew he was here somewhere. He had come in very early this morning and you assumed he’d crashed on the couch. You’d been hiding in the bedroom, hoping the door would muffle any tears. 

Would it really be such an inconvenience for him to answer the damn door?

You yank the door open with more force than you intended to use and your eyebrows shot up into your hairline. A delivery man in brown uniform stood in front of you holding a beautifully wrapped large bouquet of flowers in one hand and a clipboard in the other.

“Good afternoon ma’am! Are you Miss Y/L/N?”

You nodded. “Um yes, that’s me.”

“Great. I’ve got a delivery for you from Mr. James Buchanan Barnes.” Hearing his full name caused butterflies to erupt in your stomach.

“Oh.” You blew out a surprised breath. He’d bought you flowers for your birthday? Your excitement died a bit and you swallowed a knot in your throat realizing he could have ordered them well before your fight.

The man clears his throat and you blink at him. It’s then you realize that he’s holding the flowers out for you to take them. You take them gracefully as possible, quickly scribbling your name down on the piece of paper and nudging the door closed with your foot.

 Setting the flowers down on the side in the kitchen, you go on a hunt for a big enough vase to fit the bunch. As you’re about to turn away, you see a note wedged between the petals from your peripheral vision.

Plucking the note between your fingers, your eyes scanning over the words printed on the back of it.

My love, I’m wishing you the happiest of birthdays. May the light guide your loneliness in your future adventures.

Yours, Bucky

What the absolute fuck did that mean? Your eyebrows furrow as you re-read it over and over and it still does not make any sense in your mind. Was he seriously hinting of a breakup with you? On your birthday of all days?!

Tossing the card on the kitchen counter, you take a step back and rub your temples. Tears were pooling in your eyes with the fear of what it meant.

“Y/N? What’s wrong?” Bucky asked from behind you. The first three words he has spoken since your fight and his voice sounds almost foreign to you now. “Did you not like my flowers?” His voice was deep and raspy, as though he just woken up from his nap. You sensed some guilt there too.

“They are nice.” You breathed, keeping your eyes closed as your heart raced. This was truly the shittiest of birthdays you’ve ever had.

“Y/N.” You could feel his body heat in front of you, his footsteps were silent thanks to his experience as an assassin. His large hands wrapped around your wrists and pulled them away from your face. Tears slid down your cheeks and you averted your gaze everywhere but on him.

“Are you breaking up with me?” The words rolled off your tongue before you could swallow them down. Might as well give the shitty day a high five and get it over with.

For a moment, Bucky looks stunned. It’s quickly replaced with confusion as his brows knit together. “Of course not! We’re adults here, I know we can and will fix it. It was just a stupid little fig-”

“Then why word the note the way you did? What the fuck does it even mean? You make it sound like I’m going into my future alone without you. And today of all days, Bucky! It’s my fucking birthday and I can’t believe you’d do this!” 

The crease between his eyebrows deepens and now he’s more confused by what you meant. “What note are you talking about, doll?”

You refrain from rolling your eyes, the leftover anger from your fight and frustration of the week of silent treatment coming to the surface. You stepped around his large frame and almost punched the card into his chest.

He read over the note and you took mental notes of his expressions. Confusion that was replaced by anger. His nostrils flared as he ripped the card up and threw the pieces on the floor.

“I didn’t write that. That’s not even close to what I told the girl to write.” He scoffed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“What do you mean?”

“The girl at the flower shop has this weird crush on me. I told her what I wanted the writing to say and that was not it and clearly she fucked it up deliberately.”

You looked at each other and soon it became a staring contest. A small smile fighting its way to your lips and you shift under his intense gaze.

“Y/N.” He whispered, stepping closer. “I promise baby, I’m not breaking up with you. I wouldn’t even dream of it. I know we haven’t talked this past week and believe me, it killed me. I had to keep fighting the urge to curl into you at night and wrap you in my arms. I’m so sorry for my moods and I promise I’ll get my shit together. And believe me, that girl who sabotaged that note will not get away with it.”

This time a smile did find its way to your lips. Instinctively, you wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face into his chest. He planted a kiss on top of your head and held you close, as though he was afraid you’d turn to dust.

“I love you. So fucking much.” He sighed. His breath fanning against your hair as he spoke.

“I love you too.” You craned your neck upwards and smiled. He kissed the tip of your nose and darted his tongue out to lick his dry lips.

“I’ve missed you.” You whispered. Your chin resting against this broad chest. A goofy grin appears on his face and you already know the next words that will leave his lips.

“Not as much as I’ve missed you. I have a lot of making up to do. But since I didn’t give you your special birthday gift this morning, how about I give it to you now?” 

“You better make sure it’s extra special.”

“Extra special for my special girl, coming right up.” He scooped you up into his arms and carried you straight into the bedroom.

Taglist: @jobean12-blog​ @marvelgirl7​ @godofplumsandthunder​ @hawksmagnolia​ @deanthedemon​ @eurynome827​ @emilylyoness​ @buckybarnesplumwhore​ @sarge-barnes-sir​ @crushedbyhyperbole​ @this-kitten-is-smitten​ @kitkatd7​​ @jamesbarnesappreciationclub​ @littleredstarfish​​ @buckys-henley​​ @tuiccim​​ @mystoragehatesme​​ @starspangledseb​​ @bambamwolf87​​ @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog

[ari-the-rockstar]

"notice how not having a sense of awareness isnt on this list? yes, i experience all three of those traits. no im not a fucking shitty person to random strangers thats just weird. theres this thing called SELF CONTROL that i actually have, ever heard of it? lacking empathy is not a bad thing. "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another", according to the definition. i lack the ability to understand the feelings of other people and i lack the ability to share feelings with someone cause im not a damn spiritual empath. thats not saying im an abusive monster. excessive admiration ooh boy. man wtf do u think im gonna do with that lmao yeah i really need excessive admiration to not want to fucking kill myself but that doesnt mean im gonna go GGRGGGGGG ABRK AKR VBAKRKKK BARKJ and act like a rabid dog if i dont have it. YES i have a sense of entitlement but again wtf am i gonna do with that BARK AT SOMEONE if they dont agree lmao??"

"cause i'm not a damn spiritual empath" nobody is??? low empathy is fine but it's the combination of self-absorbedness which makes it abusive. if you need excessive admiration to not want to kys then...that is a you problem, i'm so sorry<3 it makes sense! someone saying that people with your disorder are abusive is not excessively admiring you. however just because it hurts your feelings doesn't mean it isn't true.

"a, i never said ur abuse is illegitimate lmao what r u on. and yes it SHOULD be rebranded. you wanna know why? if you look up "npd recovery" you fucking get "hOw To ReCoVeR FrOm NaRc AbUsE!!!" and a bunch of shit about porn and how we're demons whos eyes turn black. you say youve done alot of work to overcome them but youre forgetting npd can BARELY recover themselves because of ppl shouting NARC ABUSE!!! everywhere. if you have bpd i realllllyyyyyy dont think u shld be commenting on npd babes im juuussttt saying!! ur not a doctor and npd and bpd dont share the same symptoms!! and literally who tf is using "i was abused too" as an excuse baby bc its not me. u dont see me doing it."

yes you DO say that it is illegitimate. saying narc abuse is not real is LITERALLY saying that my abuse is not real. because it was VERY stereotypical narc abuse. go to r/raisedbynarcissists <3 they will tell you alll about it.

okay but you do realize that narc abuse is a VERY serious problem and maybe you should not be always angry that there are support groups for victims instead of groups to support the people who perpetuate it??? like if you want to recover that's good, but there are a LOT of people who are hurting and if something is not for you just scroll. if you aren't abusive then it shouldn't make you feel bad?

bpd and npd are two cluster b disorders hunny, pwNPD seem to usually just whine about how the world is sooo mean to them rather than ACTUALLY try and recover. i see more about "npd is so sexy and hot" than "how to get better from npd." and fyi LOTS of people use the "i was abused too excuse," i said it earlier so u couldn't pull it on me.

"oh noooo 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 person wi-with bpd is joking about their traits !!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 person w-w-w-w-w-w-with npd is making coping jokes!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 o-o-o-oh no scary npd borderline monster isnt having panic attacks 🥺🥺 on their blog 🥺🥺🥺 every 30 seconds 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and is actually using humor to cope!!! wahahahahhahahwaahahhhh i cant handle people who cope differently than me 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you joking about your disorder means y-you cant have it!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺"

girl what. this is just embarrassing. there's a difference between coping and romanticizing. your WHOLE blog is romanticizing. at some point you gotta do some dirty work and get better.

yeah, you will feel like a shit a little bit. yeah, you will realize that you probably did or said some awful things. if you so badly want to see those "recovery" things then actually put in the work!! you just want to whine and whine forever.

"bb i dont know what ur on but ur objectively wrong and i wanted u to see lmfao. if u say something online it is public. it is PUBLIC. its not private its PUBLIC, i have the right to ss it and i hope u know that<3"

bestie idk where you're coming from but the ENTIRE idea of "npd is good and hot actually" is a very new take. like, 2-5 years old new. the idea of narcissism being ABUSIVE has been around since longer than u or i was alive. if you say something online it is public too <333 i never said anything about it? lmao i just found it funny you singled me out among everyone because you care soo much. cope harder <3

there is no fucking way 💀💀💀

okay lets just !!! ignore ALLLL of my other symptoms because im not abusive i dont have npd sorry guys npd diagnosis cancelled i dont have it anymore sorry guys because this one person on the internet said so

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Back in my Zeta appreciation hours lol. You'll probably be one of the only dsmp (analysis) blogs I'll follow because of how positive you try to be, and I have so much respect for you. I sometimes have the urge to post negative or discourse rambles, but I stop when I realize how shitty it just makes me feel afterwards. So props to you for remaining so positive even when the fandom is on fire hah.

Anyways, I love when Tommy turns off his persona (though don't get me wrong I love streamer mode too) and just talks. For all the screeching he does, he has a nice and calming voice. Podcast type beat shit. I was surprised when he was open about his anxiety and getting therapy. He's generally not a too open or "honest" person about this kind of stuff, at least as far as I can tell (somewhat also why I'm not his real name is Tom or Thomas but I digress).

Also, in general, I think it's nice thing to see content creators being open about their mental struggles and how they deal with that. I think so far, Wilbur, Techno to an extent, Dream, and now Tommy have been open about their mental health (I'm not aware of the rest but if they have, props to them too). I couldn't imagine openly telling hundreds of thousands of people on live that I have some mental issues that I'm dealing with, so I love when they're open about it, especially as a person with really bad anxiety and ADHD and depression and probably some other stuff. (Though it sucks when the fandom also latches on to this and either babies them or uses it as hate fuel. This fandom has a weird track record with mental health and 'holy shit what the fuck' takes to certain plots, cough cough exile arc why is there so much victim blaming and abuse apologism??)

So in the midst of all this, weirdly enough maybe, just coming on and sending asks to you is somewhat calming for me. I could just post this but I think this "one-sided" conversation is fun. This past week has been a shit storm for this fandom and yet we're still here. Gotta find the light in the dark I guess. (Side-note: you're never obligated to post these, as is the general consensus with asks, I just like rambling and speaking positively of you lmao.) Hope you stay well!

Hey, feel free to chat in my askbox anytime. I enjoy the interactions as well! Thanks!

Discourse can seem fun at the time. When drama's happening, people become intensely curious and want to know what's going on even if it doesn't involve them. Then once they've caught up on it, they want to give their own input and perspective on things. It's natural!

But it's ultimately draining. Each individual comment on the situation is small, reasonable. The intentions are good. But sheer quantity is overwhelming. There are misunderstandings and miscommunications and genuine negativity mixed in even if they're not the vast majority at all.

You're handing a glass of water to a man who's beginning to drown. You're reaching out a hand to give but only push them further down.

(Sorry that's based on a song lyric xD, and I couldn't not share it.)

Anyway, the fandom is fun and I do love it! I've read so many great posts, seen so much cool art, read some fun fanfiction, shared some thoughts and received nice interactions. The people trending negativity one day are the same people who trend positivity another day. It's all the same community and we should appreciate that, flaws and all. We're not perfect. We're not better and its pride to think otherwise. And its always been this way - people talk about last year Mcyt like it was better but honestly the drama was always there, it was just smaller, but we only remember the good bits.

Heh all that aside yeah, Tommy's a really cool person. I admire him trying to be open and genuine. He wouldn't talk about it and feel so stressed out if he didn't care. He seems to care a lot about being a responsible person and nurturing a good community while feeling like he's not ready to be a good role model as he's still learning and making mistakes and he's struggling to deal with that pressure. It's very cool that he shared all those concerns. I really enjoyed that stream!

Plus the fact that he's got an awareness of his own limits. He admitted that he's had therapy almost casually, recommending it as a good, useful thing to do which is honestly great. Therapy is rather stigmatised and it's not necessarily something you'd expect from someone who seems so confident. I remember there was some worry about if they'd show Tommy's character going to therapy in the Dream SMP whether he'd actually depict it well and do it justice. But now we know he's had firsthand experience and recommends it. (Obviously that doesn't mean they'd definitely portray it well but is so encouraging to know that Tommy at least takes it very seriously.)

Aah this turned into quite the ramble. xD Cheers again for the ask!

[firelxdykatara]

not gonna lie I would love to hear more about the drama and infighting that went on in The Vampire Diaries fandom if you have the time (and also want to use that time to give your experience with the fandom, which from the snippets you've told sounds Not Fun so I get it if you don't want to lol)

oh god, there was like, SO MUCH, i just

i really feel like tvd is one of those fandoms that is so hard to describe without a lot of ‘you’d have to have been there’, but it really felt like this huge and all-consuming beast for about five years until the show finally imploded and the fandom basically turned on it en masse. (you ever see that post going around that’s like ‘if you ever want to know what true regret feels like, ask someone who once called tvd their favorite show’? still a mood, all these years later. basically the entire fandom thought the show should have just bowed out with whatever shreds of dignity it had left at the end of season 6, and became more of a hatedom than a fandom for the last two seasons. when you have an entire fandom cheering news of your show’s cancellation, i think that’s a sign you done fucked up, julie.)

first and most infamous, of course, are the ship wars. which are pretty much inevitable in any teen-centered drama, and i really think the CW fucking thrives on them, but it was particularly egregious in TVD’s case because not only was the base premise of the show a love triangle, but the two main romantic leads were brothers that the show constantly pit against one another--in pursuit of elena’s affections, but also because it kept up this insistence on the ‘good brother/bad brother’ dichotomy which stopped making sense after about season 2 (by which time we have found out that the good brother was never as good as he appeared, and the bad brother has been growing and isn’t nearly as bad as he pretends to be)--and the question of which brother ‘deserved’ elena (and no, what elena wanted very rarely factored into these discussions, especially in the team stefan camp because they turned on her when what she wanted was no longer The Good Brother, but i’ll get to that in a bit) was hotly contested.

i’m not kidding when i say the shipping wars were vicious. i started watching tvd shortly after it began to air, which was late 2009, and kept up with it fairly sporadically over the years. i didn’t come onto tumblr until 2011/2012, and by then, the fandom was already pretty much a garbagefire. there were anti ship and anti character blogs, any time something bad happened for one ship the rival ship would invade the tags to gloat about it (seasons 3 and 4 were especially rough, and i’m not gonna pretend delena fans weren’t just as bad about tag invasion and shit, but as that was my side of the road i saw a lot more of the stelena shippers being assholes, which soured my opinion on the ship a long time before i started rewatching and realized the red flags were there from the start), confessions blogs were popular also toxic as fuck (so much fighting happened in the notes of those posts, good gods), and this was right around when twitter’s popularity was on the rise and the line between Celebrity and Fan was thinning, so the fandom was absolutely atrocious to much of the tvd cast and crew.

(some of them deserved a lot of the later backlash, but in the early years a lot of it was ‘how dare you write the story in a way i dont like, you terrible fucking person’, and gods don’t get me started on the dobsley vs nian Thing)

i think what really encapsulates my feelings on the tvd fandom as a whole, though, is the way they (to this DAY) treated elena gilbert, which can be summed up in one meme that gained a lot of traction around season 3 if i remember right: that gif of pam from true blood, with the text altered to read “i’m so OVER elena and her precious doppelganger vagina!”

i swear at one time i had over half the active tvd fan accounts on tumblr blocked, because i got to a point where i would no longer tolerate elena hate, and she was (and still is, in what remains of the fandom; you’ll see a lot of ‘elena was one of the worst things about the show’ takes from ex-fans, too) one of the most widely despised characters in the entire fandom. because she -checks smudged writing on hand- was a traumatized teenage girl who -reads off a crumpled notecard- couldn’t always perfectly sort out her own feelings and -squints at the ceiling- sometimes made mistakes or bad decisions. (except a lot of the fandom also insisted that she was a mary sue who had no character traits or flaws or faults and it was like....make up your fucking minds???? is she a calculating conniving bitch whose somehow manipulating these centuries old vampires to tie them around her little finger or is she a boring flat character with no depth and no flaws??? jfc)

there was this massive double standard, too--like, stefan and damon could fuck whoever they wanted and that was fine, but elena was constantly raked over the coals for the crime of developing romantic feelings for the two men who had become constants in her life and whom she cared for deeply, and oh my GOD the slut shaming that happened when elena slept with damon was fucking wild. (and also happened in canon lmfao. like the show had one of elena’s best friends basically call her diseased on screen for falling in love with someone other than stefan. it was gross and ridiculous and the friend in question was also being a giant hypocrite at the time since she was happily flirting with someone who was directly responsible for the deaths of like four of elena’s loved ones and her own boyfriend’s mother but that’s beside the point) but like elena was called a slut and a bitch and a whore for ‘cheating’ on stefan (she hadn’t, and she had in fact broken up with him on screen the episode earlier) and ‘immediately’ jumping into bed with damon, even though none of them said fucking boo when stefan had one night stands or damon had fuckbuddies or whatever.

shit, caroline didn’t get any of this treatment when she started falling for tyler while dating matt! which isn’t to say i think she should have, just that i think it’s fucking ridiculous that elena was absolutely demonized by the fandom for daring to have feelings for two guys at once and eventually acting on them--despite the fact that the entire premise of the show was a love triangle. it’s not a love triangle if both sides don’t eventually get explored, and the crew had been pretty explicit about the fact that delena was going to happen at some point--but when it did, a huge chunk of the fandom absolutely threw a fit.

and a lot of these elena haters were alleged stelena stans, and i say alleged because they hated her so much for not wanting stefan’s dick anymore that it was clear they were really stefan stans and only wanted stelena to be endgame because they wanted stefan to ‘win’ at the end of the day, because ‘he’s the good brother’ so he deserved elena more.

it was all very gross and very misogynistic and very sex shaming (apparently delena was a ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial’ relationship because they had sex after two years of unrequited feelings slowly becoming requited and then pining for ages on both sides, and because they had a lot of on screen chemistry that the show capitalized on for years so of course they did a lot of making out and shit but it’s not like stelena didn’t have its fair share of making out and sex scenes, stefan was just too much of a coward to let elena top i’d apologize for that joke but i’m really not sorry because it’s true), and when i say it was egged on by the crew, that’s because they refused to let the love triangle die back in season 4 when it should have.

they insisted on stringing stelena fans along, dropping little bread crumbs to keep them invested, like dreams of a future where they were married and revealing that stefan was also a doppelganger and he and elena were descended from a pair of star-crossed lovers (a plot that ultimately went nowhere, to no one’s great surprise), and then fucking like. julie plec turned around and threw nina under the bus after she chose not to extend her contract and pretended that stelena might have happened again if she hadn’t left the show, which....i mean frankly i wouldn’t put it past her, but it would have been shitty writing. then again, she thought having a vampire pregnancy where a uterus was magically transplanted from a witch into a vampire that could somehow......carry the babies to term.... made sense and was a good way to accomodate candice’s RL pregnancy rather than like literally ANYTHING else, soooooo. but anyway julie saying that around like, end of s6 sparked off a new wave of nina hate and elena hate and ship wars bc they SEers took it as ‘confirmation’ that stelena was REALLY meant to be endgame and it was all just a hot fucking mess

another thing is that, while tvd was in its prime before the anti/purity culture shit started picking up any real steam, there was still this pervasive attitude throughout the fandom that if you liked Damon, you were A Bad Person. liking damon was apparently grounds for insults and harassment, and apparently he was The Worst Person on the Show even though literally nothing he does on screen is any worse than shit we know stefan has done (and frankly every other vampire too, but i mention stefan specifically because he was always held up--in the show but especially in the fandom--as the Good Brother while damon was the Bad One, and if you liked damon more then that had to mean your morals were dodgy and you clearly couldn’t appreciate what a heroic and saintly figure dear stefan was and....oops, i’m sorry, my salt keeps leaking -cough-).

meanwhile klaus quickly became a fandom darling despite not even really having much of a redemption arc (on tvd anyway, he just became more ‘affably evil’ as the show went on and more inclined to work with the main characters rather than try to kill them; i have no idea what went on over on his show, though), and like i can 100% appreciate liking villains and not caring that they do dodgy villainous shit, even just liking them bc they’re hot and wanting them to kiss a main character bc they have insanely good chemistry (yes i ship klaroline, no i won’t apologize for it, they could have been Really Great), it’s just really the double standard that gets me.

and all of this, incidentally, required ignoring some truly gross shit stefan was responsible for wrt his relationship with elena, that frankly it has always bothered me never really got addressed in the show. i get why elena herself would never be able to actually call him on it, but the fact is that he stalked her for months after he first saw her and thought she was katherine (meanwhile it only took damon .5 seconds to realize she was someone else entirely, but that’s another topic entirely), and then he deliberately inserted himself into her life because, in his words, ‘i have to know her’. he never gave a thought to how his presence in her life might affect her (or rather, he did, and tormented himself about it in his internal monologue, but never let this actually dissuade him from disrupting her life), and elena would wind up blaming herself for every tragedy that befell her friends and loved ones as a result of getting mixed up in vampire bullshit even though none of it was her fault--she literally blamed herself for existing but most of the fandom didn’t give a fuck about that lmfao--and stefan did shit like find out that she was adopted and then withhold this information from her until she got pissed about another secret he was keeping (her resemblence to katherine) and drop it on her to try and distract her from her very reasonable anger, and like... i should stop before this becomes a whole rant about how much i hate stefan fucking salvatore, but the point is, he did a lot of really sketchy shit he never answered for and elena never really took him to task for, and the fandom just kept eating up his insistence that he was the Good Brother and therefore he deserved to have elena, and if she didn’t want him anymore it was because she was a heinous bitch who didn’t deserve him.

uh.....i think i got off track there. and there’s probably a lot of shit i missed, like i think i was incandescent with rage for most of seasons 5 and 6 so i missed a lot of the interfandom shit cause i was too busy being increasingly pissed off at the show itself, but if nothing else this should give you an idea of how much of a goddamn cesspit the fandom was while the show as in its prime. there’s a reason both the show and the fandom have such a lousy reputation lmfao.

[queenlua]

You're a druid and an ex-evangelical, right? What does being a druid mean to you? How did you get from evangelicalism to where you are now? And of course feel free to ignore this if it's nosy. (sincerely, a Christian who wants to leave but who doesn't know what to do)

this is going to make me sound ignorant as hell, lol, but i'm happy to share

under a cut because this got very long, sorry, lol.

my personal progression was: "vaguely christian -> VERY christian -> christian agnostic -> agnostic/atheist -> agnostic/druid -> some sorta druid-neopagan-animist thing."  i guess i'll just go through what made me switch between each of those, and close out with some high-level thoughts that may be helpful for you?

okay, so when i was

VAGUELY CHRISTIAN,

i went to Sunday school every week because That's What You Do, and because my whole hometown was very southern Baptist, i never questioned the veracity of its teachings much... until they ran a whole weekly series on "why [x] is wrong," where [x] is some other group

e.g., we had a week on why Mormons are wrong, and i didn't bat an eye because i hadn't even known Mormons existed until that moment

then we had a week on why Muslims are wrong, and that... bothered me, because i had a friend who was Muslim, and she was just objectively a better person than me, and i was like "any universe where she goes to hell and i don't seems really fucked up"

then we had a week on why EVOLUTION was wrong, and that just absolutely threw me, because while i hadn't thought about evolution much (i think i was in fourth grade or so), it seemed common-sense? scientists thought highly of it? "adaptation over time" just seems logical?

so i went to the public library every day after school for like a week, read some Darwin and some science books, and came back to my Sunday school teacher with, like, an itemized list of objections to the whole "evolution is wrong" thing.  and he came up with some standard Answers In Genesis rebuttals, and i did more research and came back the next week with more science, and we repeated this a few times until he was like "lua, you just gotta take some things on faith"

which.  lmao.  full existential crisis time, because no matter how hard i thought, i couldn't *not* believe in the science, but i also didn't want to go to hell, so i was like "maybe if i believe SUPER HARD i will SOMEDAY be able to unbelieve the condemn-me-to-hell bits"

so i decided to become

VERY CHRISTIAN

and my frantic googling for shit like "proof of god" and "god and evolution" *eventually* broke me out of the Answers In Genesis circles of the internet, and into some decent Christian apologia, like, think First Things and various Catholic bloggers.  and there, i found some way to square my gut sense that evolution was right, with a spiritual worldview.

like, i remember finding some blogger who said:

"young earth creationists get tripped up when they try to explain stars that are millions of light-years away, and end up basically arguing that God's tricking us somehow, and—no!  my God lets you believe in the evidence of your eyes, my God does not demand that you make yourself ignorant or stupid, my God expects you to use your brain"

and i just started crying at my computer, because no one had ever said "using your brain is Good and part of God's will," i was like *finally* here's someone who won't tell me i'm going to hell for just *thinking* about things

(st. augustine does a much better riff on a similar theme, fwiw, but i only found him later)

still, it was an uneasy fit, because, the more i learned and read about world history, the more it seemed... weird... that the One And Singular Path To Salvation was... the successor to some niche desert cult... which didn't even occur at the *beginning* of written history, like, it was all predated by that whole Mithraism thing, etc... and like, sure, i could trot out all the standard theological talking points for why Actually This Makes Perfect Sense, but gut-level-wise, the aesthetics just seemed kinda dumb!  and no level of talking myself out of it made that feeling go away!

so at this point i started referring to myself as a

CHRISTIAN AGNOSTIC

i mean, not aloud.  i still lived in southernbaptistopia and i didn't want, like, my hair stylist to tell me i was a horrible person.  but in my *head* i called myself Christian agnostic and it felt right.

and i started church-hopping, which honestly was really fun, would recommend to anyone at any point.  i visited the fire-and-brimstone baptist church, the methodist church, the episcopalians, the universal unitarians, etc.

unfortunately, while this gave me *some* new perspectives, each of the places either had the same shitty theology as my old megachurch (i remember the *acute* sense of despair i felt when i was starting to jive with a methodist church... only for the dumbass youth minister to start going on about evolution), or, they just lacked any sense of the *sacred*.  like, the Church of Christ churches, with their a capella services, *definitely* had it; i felt more God there in one service than i did in a lifetime of shitty Christian rock at the megachurch.  but their beliefs were even *more* batshit, so.  big L on that one.

having failed to find a satisfactory church, i was basically

AGNOSTIC/ATHEIST

by the time i went to college, but honestly pretty unhappy about it; while it was harder than ever for me to actually *connect* with the divine, i didn't like thinking that my previous experiences of the divine were total lies.  because my shitty evangelical church, for all its faults, could not *completely* sabotage the sense of God's presence.  there were real moments in that church where i do believe i experienced something divine.  mostly mediated by one particular youth minister, who in hindsight was the only spiritual teacher in that church who didn't seem a bit rotten inside, but!  it was something!

so when i happened upon a bunch of writings on the now-defunct shii.org (that's the bit that makes me look WILDLY ignorant, lol), i was utterly captivated.

said author was a previous archdruid of the Reformed Druids of North America, an organization that was formed in the 1960s to troll the administration of Carleton College (there was a religious-service-attendance requirement; they made their own religion; their religion had whiskey and #chilltimes for its services).  however, this shii.org dude seemed to take it pretty seriously.  he was studying history of religion and blogged a lot about his studies, both academic and otherwise.  while RDNA had started out as a troll, that didn't mean they hadn't *discovered* something real in the process, he said.

this, already, was going to be innately appealing to me; i've got a soft spot for wow-we-were-doing-this-ironically-but-now-it's-kinda-real? stuff in general.

in particular, shii.org’s discussions on the separation of ritual from belief was really interesting to me: most religions/spiritualities have *both*, but like, you can do a ritual without having the Exact Right Beliefs (if there even is such a thing!), and it can still be useful to you, it can have real power.  (he had a really lovely essay, speculating on the origins of religion as just a form of art, but that essay is now lost to the sands of time, alas.)

(note that i wouldn't really recommend seeking out *recent* writing by the shii.org guy; he kinda went full tedious neoreactionary-blowhard-who-reads-a-lot-of-Spengler at some point?  sigh.)

the shii.org guy led me to checking out a bunch of books on the history of neopaganism & also books by scholars of religion in general, and the more i read, the more excited i became.  and i started doing little ritual/meditation stuff here and there.

then i was fortunate enough to attend some events with Earthspirit (this was when i lived in Boston), which cemented my hippie dalliances into something more real.  the folks there, being from Boston, were all ridiculously overeducated (a sensibility that appeals to me), but also, being the kind of folks who drive out to a mountain in the middle of nowhere for a spiritual retreat, they tolerated a full range of oddities (everyone from aging-70s-feminist-wiccans to living-on-a-farm-with-your-bros-Astaru to dude-who-started-having-weird-visions-and-is-just-trying-to-figure-out-the-deal to Nordic-spiritualist-with-two-phds-from-Scandanavian-universities-on-the-subject, etc), which gave me a lot of room to explore different types of rituals, ceremonies, "magic", etc.

(polytheism in general lends itself well to this sort of easy plurality!  i can believe other people are experiencing something real with their gods, and i can be talking to a totally different set of gods, and that’s just all very compatible, etc)

anyway, i started calling myself

AGNOSTIC/DRUID

around then, because i knew i'd found *something*, something that felt like all the realest moments i'd ever had in nature, and all the realest moments i'd ever had in that shitty megachurch, but i wasn't quite ready to put a theology to it.

but, idk, you do the thing for a while, and you start encountering some things that you may as well call gods, and you realize you're in pretty deep, and you ditch the "agnostic" bit and just throw hands and start describing yourself as

SOME SORTA DRUID-NEOPAGAN-ANIMIST THING

because that's the most precise thing you can muster.  in particular, the druid bit resonates because nature's still very much at the center of my practice; the neopagan bit resonates because i'm not especially interested in reconstructing older traditions or being faithful to any actual pre-Christian traditions, and animist resonates because what i sometimes call gods seem to be tied pretty tightly to the land itself.  it's all very experiential; all this mostly means i'm some weird chick who sometimes grabs a car and drives out someplace very lonely and hikes for a while and does some hippie shit to try and talk with the land or the god or whatever is there.  and sometimes i come back from it changed, or refocused, or what-have-you, and hopefully i'm better for it.  i'm aware this makes me look a little ridiculous, and is an unsatisfying answer, sorry!

WRT YOUR SITUATION

i don't know you or your situation, obviously, but if i wanted to give former-me some advice to save her some angst, i'd say

-> Christendom itself is far wilder and more diverse than many churches lead you to believe.  if you still want to be Christian on some level, and it's just a shitty church that's convinced you the whole project is fucked, i'd honestly explore, i dunno, your nearest Quaker meeting.  they're invoking the Holy Spirit with regularity but they're not raging douchenozzles about it.

-> if you're specifically interested in druidism, i found John Michael Greer's "A World Full of Gods" really nice.  (caveat: Greer has *also* gone full right-wing nutjob these days, sigh, so like.  would not recommend a great swath of his writing.  but that one's good)

-> deciding that a just God wouldn't give me a brain and then ask me not to use it was hugely comforting to me.  like, that was the start of the whole process, that was what made me feel ok searching for other churches and trying to find something that fit.  obviously you should take this with 800 grains of salt, because obviously i'm no longer Christian, and thus maybe i'm just some poor misguided fallen soul, but... i still kinda believe that!  maybe if you can make yourself believe that, it'll seem less scary?

idk, happy to answer more questions, sorry for the long ramble, hope it helped~

[nothorses]

okay wait okay this isn't like, me being rude about your last post im just thinking about it now!! but like, im super not fond of the whole "egg" thing??? not when people use it on themselves (like, their past selves) but when people prescribe it to other people. specifically i keep seeing people trying to tell feminine/gnc men that they're "~actually~ eggs" and god it is fucking irritating to see. its mainly cis people but i DO see it from the trans+nb community (on all sides!!!) 1/2

and ig its just a trend i don't like!!!!!! that's not something you decide FOR someone. you don't get to tell a gnc man he's """actually""" an egg. like?? bad. let people be gnc!!! let men present fluid or feminine, let women present fluid or masculine!!!!!!! trans people AND cis people!!!!!!!!! anyways im just Thinking Thoughts and wanted to share with my favorite trans blog this is NOT critism on your or even the term at all 2/2

"My favorite trans blog” 🥺💙

I agree, tbh! I think it’s a really useful term to use for your own self, and to use retro-actively for people who already know they’re trans. With fictional characters, I think it’s fun & harmless, too. They’re not going to see it or be influenced by it.

But labeling actual, real-life people “eggs” without their consent is genuinely shitty, and really invasive.

It’s not for anyone to decide whether someone else is trans or not, and it falls in the same vein as like, contemplating someone’s “real” orientation... but arguably worse, because gender is a whole lot more of a person’s identity and reality than who they’re attracted to.

You could potentially out a trans person who is intentionally trying to stay in the closet by pointing our and picking apart all the things you believe “mean they’re trans”; and even if you don’t, you’ll almost definitely make them uncomfortable. Misgendering is still an uncomfortable experience for cis people, and what if the person in question is trans in a different way than you assume? Nonbinary folks exist. Intersex folks exist. Stealth trans folks exist. You could easily be misgendering any of them, too.

And... y’know, it’s just weird and invasive. I don’t want anyone picking at my presentation, identity, and gender trying to “figure out what I am”. I absolutely hate it when people try to assert themselves as authorities on my own internal workings, or claim they know more about me than I do. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

Ever had people try to make guesses about who you might have a crush on? Imagine that weird, uncomfortable, panicky feeling- and then multiply it by Your Whole Life And Identity.

It’s gross for cis people to do, but it’s just as gross for trans people. Come up with “theories” about fictional characters if it’s something you really wanna do; leave actual people, with actual genders and actual feelings, out of it. You don’t know who you might be hurting, or how.