#fuck yeah for trans cas rights

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

i explain india but i'm drunk.

Hello maggots of mine you're all such babygirls and bastards just like Aziraphale and Crowley. I'm so proud of you all for existing. Yes i'm a wholesome drunk you now know this about me. The wine tastes like rotten grapes and smells of battery acid and cost 245 rupees INR. Speaking of INR, thanks to a maggot's ask, I'm here to explain India. I've never set foot outside of this country. But I'm also very very shit at general knowledge.

To any non-Indians reading this, this is a totally legit 1000% everything covered all-inclusive summary. To any Indians reading this, I'm so so fucking sorry.

India, explained.

So there's south india and there's north india and there's north east india. north india is very racist about south india and they're both very racist about north east india. Most of these people are also probably racist either to other countries or they have internalised racism. It's a wild trip.

There are. A lot of languages here. And a LOT of scripts. I can read two scripts, understand four Indian languages and speak in two of them (badly), and those two are not my native tongues. I cannot speak in my native tongues. It's basically English at this point. These aren't dialects, those are separate. Picture like, Europe, but more, in terms of how many languages.

Everyone hates each other which is valid for the entire planet honestly.

In south india we have a lot of coconuts. Like a lot. There are so many coconuts you have no fucking idea guys you cannot escape the coconuts. I was nearly killed by a shower of coconuts when I was 5 I escaped by one second.

There are also cows. People will tell you that you are being racist when you say India has cows everywhere. But it's true. Two weeks ago I had the pleasure to be stuck in a traffic jam. Next to the street barrier thing (what divides a street im too drunk for this) I saw a huge bull fucking HUMPING a cow. The vehicles just had to move around them. They were having sex right there.

If you're a middle class Indian kid, your career options are: doctor, engineer, scientist, CA, lawyer, government official or family disappointment.

Needless to say, I was going to be doctor and am now instead family disappointment. I'm babygirling so hard it's insane. The prodigal son.

It's very ace-friendly and heterophobic in the sense that you are not supposed to be exhibiting any sexuality whatever in a respectable household. Just shut up and give virgin birth already. But be married. That's crucial.

Oh yeah gay marriage isn't legal trans people are constantly othered by society and/or given no respect whatsover and we're just all vibing here this is totally not why I'm finishing a small bottle of cheap wine on a thursday past midnight alone in my room.

Foreigners are like a zoo species you see them you're instantly concerned like what are they doing outside the TV screens and then either people are normal (rarely), they run up and take photos or try to slip into conversation (more often than you'd think, even I've been guilty of the conversation thing as a kid) OR they start talking about how 'this western culture is ruining our culture'. Which is fair but honestly both the 'cultures' these people are talking about usually involve incredible amounts of bigotry and are more similar than they think.

I think the lesson here is that humans just suck as a species. Except for you maggots. I love you all and I will defend you with my life.

THE CHAAT. THE CHAAT IS INSANELY AMAZING. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CHAAT. I HAVE NO SPICE TOLERANCE SO I HAVE TO BEG ON MY KNEES FOR THE SPICES TO BE REDUCED BUT STILL. THE CHAAT. THE CHAAT, YOU GUYS. YOU NEED IT.

Sorry yes I'm normal. ALSO THE STREET DOGS. THE INDIES. THEY'RE SO LOVELY AND SWEET AND CHAOTIC AND I KEEP TALKING TO THEM. Once when I was crying I made the dog distress while and like five dogs that I didn't know came running to me and comforted me and licked me.

INDIAN DANCE MUSIC. I FUCKING LOVE IT IT'S INSANE. My family were elitist as fuck so I never got to listen to Bollywood music as a kid but it's AMAZING I'm so glad it exists. Bhangra too.

Beaches very very pretty hills very very pretty honestly the nature is fucking beautiful if you can just quickly pretend humans don't exist, which again is true of this entire planet. Yeah. Okay I'm so fucking drunk.

Yeah lots of diversity which is very nice when the humans aren't screaming at each other about it but the rest of the time it's very nice

The garbage and sewer stories? yeah they're all true im sorry

Traffic rules more like traffic suggestions amirite

Well, we still have far better healthcare access than america. so. there is that.

If you speak English well you'll be mocked and isolated. If you speak English poorly you'll be mocked and isolated. Honestly, just be rich. That'll fix it all.

All the conservatives hate each other and don't realise they're the exact same but in like different flavours.

Oh yeah we have auto rickshaws. Look them up. They're so much better than cars I don't get motion sick as easily in them. But the drivers all hate you and never want to take you anywhere.

Eyyyyyyyyyy it's so fucking fun here *drinsk more alcohol* I am so fucking not looking forward to college.

Please someone crowdfund me out of here let's all go chill in Alpha Centauri I've heard it's nice this time of the year.

I will, however, miss the casual live cow pornos. A true highlight.

[I got this peer-reviewed by my friend in India's top law school, just in case, because I'm too drunk and generally dumb. They say I will not be killed. And they've been on Twitter so.]

Irrefutable legal proof y'all. I don't mean to offend anyone except bigots. Fuck you, bigots, if you're not offended then I've disappointed my community.

[dingo-ate-my-hot-lettuce-crazy]

Rearview - Chapter 6 - Still Here

Summary: You wake up in the hospital with Cas at your side, and Dean rushes in the find you. The two of you talk of 'unpinning' things.

Characters: Dean, Cas, others

Word Count: 5.1K

Warnings: medical inaccuracies, reader is always guilty for something smh, stressed out dean + cas, dr. Linda tran is badass, these warnings are a warning, trauma, denial of bad habits, cursing, I DONT EVER PROOFREAD

Author's Note: did you know im criminally insane

Songs: Break by Alex_g_offline, Thank You by Led Zeppelin

Series Masterlist - Chapter 7

You still have the goddamn headache when you wake up.

Even through your slightly squinted view, the curtained corner of the triage room was still a bit bright, and all too sterile for your senses. There’s an itch where the I.V. drip is inserted in your wrist. The tang from the disinfectant is overwhelming and has been worsening the dull throb in your head. Your whole body feels weighted down, but you’re sure you don’t want to stand up anytime soon. Selfishly, this is the only rest you’ve gotten in about a month, and for once, you push the rest of the anxiety of the hospital bill, and time off from work and school, to the back of your mind. 

The room is smaller than you would think, but then again, they’ve stationed wheeled machines on the left and right of the bed. The three walls around you are painted a frosted mint color, and the accompanying curtain that acts as a fourth wall in front of you is a sickening yellowed khaki, reminding you of stains you’ve seen in old carpet. There isn’t much noise besides the residual beeping of your now-steady heartbeat and your soft breathing. Occasional footsteps of nurses breezing past your room sounded, and quiet murmuring of doctors and patients. 

The I.V. itches.

You drag your right hand to your forearm, scratching just above the puncture site before a hand lightly smacks it away.

“Stop that.” Cas scolds flatly.

Sighing, you bring your worn-out gaze to him, sitting directly next to the bed in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs. Cas doesn’t look at you as he hunches over, his elbows resting on his knees. He looks tired too, and though you initially look to glare at his chiding, the same, old familiar guilt starts to sink in– he stayed. After his fuming lecture about your lack of self-care, he still bothered to stay with you as the ambulance brought you to the hospital. You didn’t deserve him. Not after your attitude toward him recently. Your eyes soften instead as you watch him for a couple of seconds.

“You had work.” You frown, saying it like you weren’t also working at the same time.

Cas deadpans, still not turning to you, “I wanted to be here to be the one to say, ‘I told you so’.”

You huff a bit of laughter at that, quirking up a brow at his remark, before exhaling deeply, as if the guilt would leave with your breath. “Yeah…yeah, I deserve that.”

Despite his reigned anger, he does move his head to you, looking over your face like he’s still trying to find something wrong. He’s still concerned but attempts to remain neutral.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m fi–”

“Try again.”

You huff, mouth still open from your answer as you hold back the rest of that statement- embellishment, rather. It honestly is a force of habit at this point, and Cas probably knows that by now, too. But, he’s right. It’s obvious that he values the truth in your wellness more than your care about “burdening” him with it.

“My head hurts and I’m tired, but I feel better.” You acquiesce with a slight jut of your head for emphasis.

“Well, I would hope so. You passed out in the middle of the kitchen.” Cas mutters your name, stressing the situation.

“Oh, fuck. Was Roy mad that you left?” You wince as you ask, hoping that Cas still has a job after your fuck-up.

“Roy insisted I go with you– he wanted someone to update the team on your condition. He took care of our tables, and said he would have the other servers run food or cash them out.” Cas explains, reassuringly.

You close your eyes in realization, sinking back into the uncomfortably firm pillow they set behind you as the memories come flooding back to you,  “My tables– your tables…”

Cas scoffs, shaking his head with incredulity, “Do you ever think about yourself?”

You don’t answer him as you turn to him with apologetic doe-eyes, brows lowering with guilt, “I’m sorry.”

His face gentles, and lacks the frustrated worry it had before, “I don’t need an apology. I just need you to care for yourself.”

“Still,” you grimace at your shameful behavior as of late towards him, when all he did was care, “You didn’t deserve me fighting you. I just… I’m so tired of being treated like I can’t handle–” Your words cut off, trying to find the words, or maybe just the word, for the scenario. It’s hard, and you’re unsure if you’d be able to finish the thought even with a clear head.

“I get it, but you don’t need to handle this on your own. Nobody should handle this on their own. With what’s going on? What you’re going through?” Cas’ face tightens with sympathy.

With what’s going on.

With what you’re going through.

Nick– the text.

Your phone.

You hardly acknowledge the increasing rate of beeping from one of the machines you're connected to. Your face blanches as you remember what landed you hear in the first place.

Cas’ eyes dart to the heart rate monitor as he hears it pick up, and he looks worriedly between you and the machine, “What?”

“Cas, I need my phone.”

His face scrunches with troubled perplexity, “What?”

The curtain is roughly pulled back, and the minimal privacy between you and the ER dissipates as a wide-eyed Dean finds your face.

“Hey,” Dean breathed. His voice is quiet, mixed with anxiousness and relief all in one, but his eyes restlessly rake all over your form on the bed, trying to find the source of injury or ailment or reason you’re here.

“Hey… Dean?” you blink, mouth agape. How, why–

You didn’t even have time to think before Dean strides over to the opposite side of the bed where there’s space, and he pants, out of breath like he had run here, “You alright? What the hell happened?” 

“She fainted,” Cas answers bitterly.

You whine, “Cas–”

“You fainted?” Dean repeats alarmed, his glance bounces between you and Cas- for some kind of explanation.

“She’s been overworking herself–” Cas continues, ignoring your protest.

“Cas–”

“And she hasn’t been sleeping or eating properly. And she’s severely stressed.” 

“Cas, I am right here.”

Cas directs his gaze to you, with a pointed expression as enunciates with frustration, “You don’t admit to the complete truth.” 

Dean disgruntledly snorts with apparent agreement, turning to you with a look almost like betrayal, now with concern more than panic.

“This have anything to do with the whole dizzy spell you had last night when I dropped you off?” Dean accusingly points his finger at your sickly form.

Now it’s Cas’ turn.

He whips his head to you with a set jaw, your name scoldingly leaving his lips once more at your refusal to tell anyone anything.

“Oh my God,” you groan petulantly, staring up at the ceiling in a silent plea.

“Everything alright, ma’am?” 

All three heads turn back to the half-opened curtain when a shorter woman in a white coat steps through wearily to the foot of the bed, eyeing the boys with a narrowed gaze. She was smaller than them for sure, but she radiated a kind of assertiveness. Her thin black hair accentuates her sharp features on her face, toughening her exterior slightly. Her name tag on the pocket of her breast pocket reads “Dr. Tran”.

“Oh, yeah- everything’s fine.” You try diffusing the stressful air that seems to linger in the room.

She looks at you with care and concern, though the boys get a side-eye still, and it almost makes you laugh. Though you didn’t…it might’ve been inappropriate timing.

“Okay, well, my name is Dr. Tran, and I wanted to tell you the results of the tests that we ran,” she warmly introduces herself as she brings up the clipboard that’s been at her side, “Obviously, we’ve ruled out major diagnoses from the blood test. You did come in fairly dehydrated, so we’ve got you on a drip here, along with a cocktail of some vitamins and minerals for you. Your white and red blood cell count is relatively normal, but we’ve noticed some minor deficiencies due to possible malnutrition." The doctor refers to the chart, dragging along her pen on to each level she reads, "Sodium, potassium, iron are all dipping on the lower end of the scale along with electrolytes and blood sugar. These mainly tell us that your diet needs to be changed. If you don't mind, what do you normally eat in a day?”

You swallow nervously. You don’t even remember the last thing you ate.

Dr. Tran looks up expectantly, and at your hesitation, softly requests, “Forgive me for asking so bluntly, but is there any history of an eating disorder that we should be aware of?”

You shake your head vigorously with defense, “N-No, I’m not– it’s not that. I just,” you sigh shamefully, “I go to class and work and, honestly, it just slips my mind most days and I forget, and I should know better.”

The shame in your voice seems to shut down that train of thought for Dr. Tran, and she nods expressionlessly, possibly holding back her judgment, “Your deficiencies aren’t at a severe low yet, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be if this habit continues. You need to be eating meals with 500-700 calories, or get back to a daily count of around 2000– more if you are physically active.”

“We’ll make sure she eats,” Dean crosses his arms, determination set on his face. Cas nods to Dr. Tran as well.

She seems to lighten her gaze slightly at them, “Well, that’s what I like to hear. Now, as far as the other tests we’ve run, the EKG came back with no heart irregularities aside from your heart rate itself. It’s about 10-15 beats per minute faster than it should be. Your friend, Mr. Novak, here–” she glances at him with acknowledgment, “told me you have inconsistent sleeping patterns, and that you are dealing with severe stress almost daily, and possible panic attacks. Is that correct?”

Dean’s eyes feel heavy as they meet yours for a second before you look away.

Your gaze falls to the bed, avoiding eye contact from everyone in the room. You bite your cheek, feeling your face grow warm, and answer her with a reluctant huff, “Yeah, kinda.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Dr. Tran said, and you believe her sincerity, “That being said, based on all the test results and what Mr. Novak described before you lost consciousness, we are confident this was caused by a combination of your exhaustion, stress, and anxiety—what we would classify as an episode related to Acute Stress Disorder. We've even gotten a second-opinion from our psychologist on hand, who normally does the evaluations. It’s not uncommon, considering you are under a significant amount of stress, not sleeping well, and not eating enough. Your body essentially decided to do a whole system reboot, like when a computer crashes from too many tabs open.”

You scoff, and you’re not even sure at what. The diagnosis, the doctor, yourself. It seems like such a mockery. That you really couldn’t do all this yourself. That you weren’t strong enough. That Nick is still somehow getting the better of you after all this.

“Okay, so– so, what does that mean? We can get her back home today, and she’ll be okay?” Dean anxiousness gets the better of him, and he brings his thumbnail to his lip, absent-mindedly fidgeting as he stands next to your bed.

Dr. Tran inhales, considering the question, “Most likely, yes. We want you to stay for a little while, just to be sure there aren’t any more episodes, but you will be able to go home tonight. As far as your health–” she gives you a more stern look, “pay attention to your body. If you feel dizzy, sit down. If you’re tired, rest. If you have a headache, eat. Drink plenty of water. Your body needs to relax, and so does your head. The stress can be the biggest factor and if not taken care of, can lead to other problems.”

Cas moves to stand up, pushing off of his knees, “Everything is manageable except the stress. She’s prone to it.”

Your glare slightly at Cas.

Dr. Tran speaks up, “We already have a psychiatrist referral for you once you check out today, as well as two medications. We’re going to give you Ativan tablets for the next three days on a low dosage– around 0.5mg– which will help with panic attacks or sleep. Don’t take it unless you have to, and no more than twice a day. If you need to, you should take it an hour before you plan to go to sleep or if you experience heavy stress or panic. We’re also prescribing you two month’s supply of Zoloft– which is an anti-anxiety and an antidepressant. Take it in the morning right after you eat breakfast. We, the hospital, can’t renew prescriptions once you’re out but we can give the psychiatrist we referred your information, and they can discuss further options if you find that it’s working for you.”

You weren’t going to see a psychiatrist. You didn’t even know if you were going to take the medication. What if it hinders your ability to keep an eye out for the Challenger? Your ability to stay sharp? The whole idea of taking it is to make sure you’re dopey and unaware of your surroundings.

Stewing in your own thoughts and silence, Cas speaks up for you, “Thank you, Dr. Tran.”

“Of course, let me know if there’s anything you need. You boys are welcome to stay if you don’t cause my patient any stress.” She warns thoughtfully, giving the boys a hard stare.

“Yes, ma’am.” They both say in unison.

Dr. Tran nods approvingly, then looks back to you, “Let me know if they give you any trouble and I’ll get them out.”

You smile half-heartedly at that, but it fades quickly after you quietly reply, “They can stay.”

The doctor gives a courteous nod before allowing the three of you your privacy again. Emotional silence consumes the room at the clinking of the curtain being slid closed. Just the whirring of the machines is heard as the information soaks in– to everyone.

Dean’s gaze is on you, and you can see him look at you a few times in your peripheral vision as your eyes travel around the room in thought. You clear your throat some.

“Cas, uh, you mind giving us a minute?” 

You can see Cas sensing the tension between you and Dean, and nods understandingly, taking a couple of steps to the small gap between the curtain and the wall.

“Sure. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Cas–” You call out before he’s out of sight completely.

He halts, looking at you as he holds the curtain open.

You give him a pained, tight-lipped smile laced with guilt, but overwhelmingly more appreciative, “Thank you,” your voice barely above a whisper, the emotion so thick that you could crack at any moment, “For being here. And for caring enough to get angry at me, and giving it to me straight, even if I didn’t want it.”

Cas scoffs, though he replies with a lopsided grin, “Of course.” And he steps out.

And now to handle this situation.

You risk a glance at Dean, who hasn’t made any effort to move to the chair. He stands with his fingers rubbing gently at his forehead, before raking them through his prince-charming-like-mane. His expression is rather blank, but the slight crinkle in his brow gives him away, and you feel awful.

Inhaling, you ask gently, easing into it, “Did Cas call you?”

Dean runs his lip between his teeth before answering curtly, his hand moving to hips “Yeah.”

He starts to pace you notice, walking along from one side of the curtain to the other. The hand that just swept through his hair meets his chin now. He fidgets a lot when he’s stressed, you notice.

You can’t help but wonder if he’s over your bullshit. If this is the last straw, and he’s working his way to tell you that he’s through with this–that he’s done. Hell, you’re not even official yet and he’s already here to see you at the hospital, somewhere after eleven o’clock at night, when he could be sleeping, or out with another girl who would’ve probably got him laid by now. You don’t think you would even question if he would leave, you don’t even understand why he stays.

You take a deep breath in, “Dean…” Your voice is weak, slightly strained with emotion. You clear your throat. “I’m—I’m so sorry you had to come all the way out here this late.”

Dean stops pacing. His head tilts slightly like he can’t believe what he just heard. Then, with a sharp breath, he mutters your name into his hands and drags them down his face before turning toward you, his voice raw with frustration.

“I don’t give a damn about that,” he says, words low but firm. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

There’s an edge to his voice, barely reining in his frustration. Something ignites behind his eyes—something sharp and scared and just barely contained.

Something twists deep in your gut.

But Dean’s not done.

“I mean,” he scoffs, shaking his head, “I get skipping a meal every now and then. I get forgetting to drink enough water. It’s not good, but it happens. But this?” His gaze flickers over the drip in your arm, the heart monitor beside you, the fresh hospital band around your wrist. His expression darkens but remains level still.

“You passed out. Your body shut down for a second.”

His voice drops lower, but there’s no mistaking the urgency in it. “What the hell is going on with you? Why won’t you tell me?”

Your throat tightens.

You attempt to keep your breathing steady, to keep the monitor beside you from reflecting the way your pulse wants to skyrocket. So much for Dr. Tran’s warning. “Dean, I can tell you,” you say carefully, “but I–.” You exhale shakily. “I figured it was easier to keep to myself. I didn’t want you to take it personally, I wasn’t talking to Cas about everything, and I hate talking about it, and every day it just seems to be getting worse and worse–”

Dean steps closer. “What’s getting worse?”

You shake your head. Unsure. Afraid.

Dean’s voice is quieter this time, yet somehow stronger. “What’s getting worse?”

The words come out before you can stop them. 

“I’m giving you an out.”

Dean freezes.

His brows pull together, the frustration flickering into something else. “What?”

You can hardly bring yourself to look at him when your chest feels like it’s caving in. “I’m giving you an out,” you echo, voice barely above a whisper. “You can walk away, and I wouldn’t blame you. I get it. You don’t need this, Dean. You don’t need someone who’s barely got their shit together, who’s got so much fucking baggage—” The words leave your mouth like they cause you physical pain.

And Dean looks like the words hit him just as hard, like you just knocked the wind out of him. 

Then, slowly, he shakes his head. “That what you think?” His voice is rough, unreadable.

Your misty eyes fall on him again. Unanswering.

He looks at you, hurt in his gaze. “You want me to leave?”

You force yourself to speak. “No.”

Dean exhales sharply through his nose, shaking his head again. His voice rises, “Then stop trying to push me out.”

You close your eyes, trying to keep yourself together. You kick yourself because you know you’re pushing him out, and dammit you don’t want to. 

You hear him say exasperatedly, “You don’t think I have baggage?”

You hold your eyelids down tightly, not squeezing them, but with enough pressure to know that a tear isn’t going to escape just yet. Those words, his words… they makes you stop.

Dean does have baggage. His mom died when he was four years old. His deadbeat father is pressuring him into giving up the rest of his career–his life– to his mechanic shop, because he wouldn’t. He’s practically guilted into it. And Dean doesn’t need to tell you all that. You can see it in the way he tells you that he feels he “owes” it to his father, even when Dean was the one who grew up too fast– when he was the emotional scapegoat of his broken family. Because he had to take care of Sammy, and his dad. You can read it plainly off his face that he feels like he has a priceless debt to pay.

And hell, you watched him talk about Lisa. You can’t assume as much there, but you know it’s affected him. He didn’t bring her up in a positive context. 

And still, with all the trouble, he stands in front of you.

The lump in your throat doesn’t move, but only seems to grow.

You don’t know what to do. You don’t know what to do with the way he looks at you like he gives a damn, with the way his voice is just a little too raw, his fidgeting a little too restless. The way his anger is born out of concern, not the hate you were used to.

The way he hadn’t even made a step closer to exit through the curtain, only taking steps to you.

The devil on your shoulder tells you that he should leave– for his own good. Or that you should leave him.

But he is still here. Waiting for you.

And damn it, you need this to work.

When you open your eyes again, you breathe out, “The pin.”

“What?”

“We put a pin in it,” you murmur. “I’m unpinning some of it. I can’t here, but…”

Dean watches you, piecing it together.

“Your ex.” He says, certain, and his expression morphs into something softer.

Your lips pressed together as you nod.

And he nods. “Okay.”

It’s irrational– you know it is– but even just the thought of being in the passenger seat again makes your stomach drop. 

Dean’s voice is already softer as he steps into your field of vision, “Sweetheart, you’re not walking.”

Your pulse skyrockets beneath your ribcage. You sink the heels of your palms into your eyes, bringing your head down as your elbows sit on your knees.

Cas steps closer behind you, closer to the front of the bed as you’ve fully sat up at the edge. “Dean’s driven me plenty of times—safely, might I add.” His attempt at lightness is met with a wavering breath, which was supposed to be a scoff.

Dean nods, bringing himself closer to where you sit, so he can slightly kneel in front of you, so he’s at your level, pulling at your hands so he can find your eyes, as he soothes, “Listen, sweetheart. I’m gonna drive under the speed limit. I’ll take back roads— the least busiest roads I know. And if you want me to pull over for a break, I will.” 

Dr. Tran watches the interaction, and gently adds, “You can go ahead and take the Ativan now. It’ll help take the edge off, and you won’t feel as anxious during the ride. It doesn’t take too long to kick in.”

Hesitation claws at your ribs as you try to form words. It’s not a no, but you don’t know how to give an okay. 

“Dean,” a weak beg leaves your lips, your glistening eyes pleading at him.

You can almost see Dean’s heart break for you, and he carefully holds your wrists in his hands, tenderly grazing his thumb across them, and his voice somehow gets softer as his eyes lock onto yours. “I promise you, you’ll be safe.”

Cas presses the bottle into your hand, and you turn your head to it, your face is the picture of absolute dread. You huff defeatedly, trying to stare it out of existence, but your arm betrays you and tugs loosely from Dean’s hand.

It was decided that Dean would have you wait for the Ativan to fully kick in, so he opted to drive Cas back to Silver & Flames, where he left his car so he could join you in the ambulance (where he gave the EMTs a hard time about it to the point where they had told him that he could ride with, so long as he was out of the way). 

You hate to admit it but you did feel the Ativan taking the initial edge off by the time Dean had returned to the hospital, though it is not gone. Just dulled– like the panic has been wrapped in cotton, just enough so that you were taking controlled, even breaths with minimal struggle.

Dean parks a short distance into the lot, which makes you take very short strides.

The hospital sign buzzes as you walk under it, following Dean with a bit of sluggishness.

Dean perks up from in front of you, turning his head back, waiting in his steps so you can catch up with him. His shoulder brushes yours, and he moves his right hand to the small of your back– not pushing you, just guiding you.

“I know it’s not ideal, but you do get to meet my Baby. You two will get along great, I promise.” He encouragingly smirks down at you.

You lean into his hand that rests on your back, as your lips barely twitch up in acknowledgment, though it’s not exactly comforting at this moment.

Though, you know his car the moment you see it.

It’s just as he said it was– the black 1967 Chevrolet Impala.

If you hadn’t known you would be riding in the passenger seat in the car or drugged out on anti-anxiety meds, you can confidently say you would’ve gawked. 

Dean keeps walking with you even as your steps slow until you stop a couple of feet away from the passenger side. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”

You take slightly heavier breaths.

You can hear him mutter your name, trying to pull you from your muddled thoughts.

“I can’t.” You swallow, backing away slightly, turning away from the car as the panic tries to dig its way out of the cotton.

“Yes, you can, sweetheart. Come here,” Dean lightly grasps your forearms as they find your middle, and pulls them back to your sides. “I’m one of the safest damn drivers you will ever meet. You think I would do anything to jeopardize your safety? Hell, or even my car?” 

You shake your head, frustrated with yourself at this point, “I don’t distrust you. It’s just, I know it’s stupid–”

Dean cuts you off, “Hey, it’s not stupid if you’re bent outta shape from it. Okay? Listen, I’m gonna hug one lane the whole time and take easy streets, and we’ll be at my place in no time. I live less than ten minutes from here.”

Dean’s hands let go of your forearms as he reaches over to the passenger, opening the door for you with a reassuring smile. He walks back out from behind it as you wearily watch him, and he extends his hand to you to gently pull you closer to him– not the car. His hand is comforting to be in, calloused but warm and inviting as he gives yours a light squeeze. He doesn’t let go, even as he backs himself and you into the side of the open car. He lets you get in on your own time, and he makes sure you’re buckled in before he closes your door and rounds the car to the driver’s side.

The drive is slow, just like he promised. It’s inevitable for the city traffic to quiet or dull, but Dean finds alternative routes that you didn’t even know existed, and you begin to ease into the ride. There’s a low hum of classic rock playing through the speakers, it sounds like Led Zeppelin, and you focus on that for a while.

Dean focuses on driving. He catches you in his view when he yields to the right or makes a turn, but he lets you sit, lets you breathe.

By the time he pulls up outside his apartment complex, you aren’t exactly sure how long it’s been. Dean said it was a ten-minute drive but you would’ve also bought if he said it’s been an hour. The exhaustion is creeping up on you as the effects of the medication linger.

You miss Dean’s proud smile at you when he gets out of the car first, rounding Baby so he can reach for the handle.

“Dean, I can—”

“I want to,” his voice is distant, muffled as the door still separates you, and he cuts off whatever protest you were saying with his signature smirk. 

He offers a hand to you as he opens the door for you to step out of the car, a little disoriented, but the kiss that lands on the crown of your head grounds you. Steadies you.

His complex doesn’t have a lobby like yours, so there are two flights of stairs that seem to drag on forever or get longer, and steeper. Dean stays behind you the whole time, not yet having to push you forward, but his arm hovers a couple of times.

His apartment is nothing less than what you expect. It’s not exactly lively with decoration and color, but his living room furniture matches and actually compliments his space rather well. And you gotta give him credit where it’s due– he has a coffee table in front of the sofa and a painting hanging above the TV.

The plus is that it’s a one-bedroom. He gets it all to himself.

“I figure I’ll give you a grand tour when you’re better rested, but it ain’t too much.” Dean steps in behind you after locking the door, watching you, making sure you don’t break in front of him.

And you don’t. You turn around to him with a small grin, “You don’t have to worry about me. If you have a bed or couch, that’s perfect.”

Dean flashes his teeth slightly in amusement, and looks to you warmly, “I’ll take the couch.”

Your brows furrow as you look at him, “Why would you take the couch in your own apartment?”

“Because. At La Casa de Dean, women who come home from the hospital get the most comfortable sleeping arrangements.” Dean’s intonation firms slightly, but his face remains gentle and playful.

After a moment, you meet his eyes again, “You can stay. With me then.”

He takes a moment to really read your face, checking to make sure it wasn’t guilt, but rather a want for him to stay near. “You sure?”

You nod, “Yeah, I am,” you look down as you let out a deep exhale, “We can unpin… everything tomorrow if that’s okay. I’m not trying to keep anything from you but, the Ativan is just–”

Dean purses his lips as he shakes his head, “No– I want you to get your rest first. Absolutely.”

For the first time tonight, you feel a true sense of relief. It breeds the grateful smile on your face, and you lean into Dean. A hand meets the back of your head, and you feel a little safer again.

A/N: ngl its four am im eepy

taglist: @suckitands33 @globetrotter28 @supernotnatural2005 @star-yawnznn

[the-mpreg-guy]

on the other hand trans dean carrying a pregnancy would go so fucking hard as well. I think he would never in a million years consider it until . Well. It's useful. And it's Cas. It would take something fucking huge for him to agree to that but maybe he would. The dysphoria + euphoria... And specifically with dean's feelings about being a vessel, being an instrument... but on the other hand, it would be Cas. (Which is why the divorce arc would be that much more painful....) Trans men who have kids are my patron saints fr. I'm sure it would be tricky as a fic as I doubt a lot of writers have actually gone through that experience and probably don't want to speak towards it/over it, but I am rotating that sparkly crystal in my mind

I'm not generally a transmasc Dean truther, but listen. LISTEN TO ME. I go insane whenever I consider the implications of transmasc Dean, because I think it makes his relationship to Mary (and John) sooo much more interesting. There are so many traits and personality quirks that Dean shares with Mary (she and Dean are mirrors!), and I think that would give Dean complicated feelings. He was mommy's little girl!! But she never got to find out that he was a boy actually!!! It gives him upsetting complicated feelings, and I think the things that make him feel most connected to her (like sharing similar traits) also gives him minor dysphoria.

So a pregnancy, right? I think it would just be sooo fun and interesting if Dean felt even more connected to his mom (he can't even comprehend raising this kid in the life), which also simultaneously gives him Not Great Feelings. He has similar pregnancy symptoms that Mary had!! He has the same craving for pineapple and remembers John once mentioning that in a bittersweet way, and it just makes Dean shut down.

But like on the other hand, Cas "I'm indifferent to sexual orientation and also I'm a genderless wavelength" stiel literally has no frame of reference for the concept of dysphoria. To him, Dean is a man who also happens to be carrying a nephilim pregnancy. There are complications (being that it's a NEPHILIM pregnancy), but Cas is more worried about Dean's safety than anything.

I also think your comment on Dean connecting the feelings of being a vessel to carrying a child are soooo crunchy, I'm kissing your brain and projecting this onto every single mpregnatural headcanon I have, regardless of it being omegaverse, intersex Dean, or trans Dean, because HOLY FUCK YEAH HE WOULD FEEL THAT WAY. His body is breaking down in service of hosting another soul, and yeah it's consensual, but in this SPECIFIC AU it was something that was needed. Like Dean had a choice, but like...it was also something he wouldn't have picked for himself if there hadn't been any other way.

Insanely good thoughts, I'm chewing on your brain. <3

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 18

give up anon (new), 🍋 anon, new relationship anon (new), pg anon, thumbs down anon (new), the anon, grounded anon, functioning anon (new)

give up anon

I don’t really know what to do anymore. My life just feels bad all the time and I’m almost never happy.

(The rest is redacted)

Hi <3

I know it feels absolutely awful to feel like this. I've been there, and it's like...indescribable. But please know that it does get better and the important thing is to be gentle with yourself. Do small things to take care of yourself, and remember that you are worthy of love. Remember that doing anything - taking a shower, going on a walk, finishing a small task - is better than nothing. And, if you're able to, finding a therapist might really help

Sending love!

__________

🍋 anon

Hi it’s 🍋 anon. I FINALLY made a new art account and I’ve started posting. It feels good but omg the pressure. I do want to DM you maybe once I get a little more comfortable I will. Also would to have ideas for what to draw . I’m so thankful to you. I’ve been trying really hard to like my art now after changing my style since I’m trying to be different than what I used to be before and it’s hard, but I’m getting there I think. I think I’m slowly getting there I think and hopefully I’ll soon be able to take commissions and be a great artist 😭😭😭😭

(I would love any encouragement, I do tend to be very self critical) Also if you happen to find me naturally I would love that. It’s a Wolfstar fanart that I’ve posted. But it’s ok if you don’t. Sorry for rambling.

Hi! I'm so glad you're posting art again! You should definitely DM me, I'd love to see it! Congrats on the new account!!

___

new relationship anon

Heyy. So, help?

So I am openly trans, and my partner is straight, and it's a new relationship, too recent.

And since I am openly trans, (I have been in pride, I am in lgbtqia club in uni, have been going to doctor regularly, etc.) I thought he knew when we first met. Because like, we met at a pride-like celebration ( in January, it was kinda new year for gays? It is almost the same as pride believe me). He said he came to support his sister (lesbian) and such. We talked there. I didn't had a noticeable flag on me, my nails painted in trans flag colors and my outfit in those colors too but not a flag directly.

Anyway we exchanged numbers, we talked, we talked more, hangout, after about 3 months we started dating at 1 April (bad date to start dating I guess?)

And now, after 15 days, I realized he doesn't know I am..trans? Like. Is he blind.

Blond technically

Anyway, but like, right now I am stressing out because I thought he knew? I have plenty of things around me that screams trans and he doesn't know I guess? What if he doesn't want to date me anymore this is new I don't want to ruin it- I wanted this to be something that lasts..

How do I say him? He is straight, what if he doesn't like me.

Fuck, cas, I am gonna cry

hi!

I mean so...I don't think hiding it is going to go well, in this situation. Like, he's going to find out eventually, you know? And really, why date him if he doesn't like you for who you are?

I think it's just thinking about HOW to tell him? Do you feel safe telling him in person or should it be over text? Should you have someone with you if you tell him irl? I know it's bad to think about, but I've heard stories of trans people getting bad reactions when coming out, and you want to make sure to stay safe.

I mean, I'd hope that he knows. Or at LEAST is supportive, given that you met a a pride event and he supports his sister. But yeah, I'd be like "hey, I wanted to make sure you know..." and go from there.

But remember that if he has a bad reaction, it's NOT a reflection on you or your worth. You deserve love <3

___

pg anon

for friends: I genuinely don't think you can do anything else. all you can do is be there for them as much as your mental health allows. from what you're saying, you've literally done anything I can think of, so the important thing is to just be there, listen, and give them love. But also remember it's okay to step away when you need it. You can't help anyone if you're not feeling well.

dizzy: it's....mildly concerning the doctors aren't doing more about this. Like...what's causing the low iron? It sounds super frustrating, but also I'd ask more questions. push them to actually do their jobs, you know?

friend w cancer: I can't say much to this other than that sounds so overwhelming and I'm sending hugs <3

coming out: I mean if you don't want to do a whole coming out thing, could you just say 'btw, I'm dating x' and leave it at that? And if they ask about sexuality/labels say you don't want to talk about it? That way they're aware, but it's more of a casual thing. Or do they know about your boyfriend?

Your positives made me smile!

<3

--

thumbs down anon

I've been a lesbian for the past five-ish years and since I figured it all out I've been really secure. But recently there's been this one guy and I've just been really confused. I've questioned my sexuality a few times but always in a passing conforming to the expectations of my extended family kind of way and just the thought of daring a man would make me feel off. But that's not really the case here and I'm just lost I guess. I'm not really too invested in labeling or figuring out this new thing anytime soon because quite frankly, I'm not sure I like him back. I feel like I do but I struggle sometimes to tell platonic and romantic feelings apart. And beyond that, I am terrified of commitment. Ans unfortunately I don't know him too well. I've known him technically for four years but not until the last week did we talk. I did tall to him about it but I really don't know how to process any of this. One one hand I feel like I'm betraying myself (for sure due to my fear of change) but at the same time I know I'm not. All in all, feelings are weird and I'm not a fan👎

Hi!

I, too, am not a fan of feelings lol

I mean if he's aware of your conflicting feelings and he's chill with it and you're also comfortable, maybe you could just...explore your feelings? Hang out with him and see what happens naturally? It's okay to explore feelings without knowing exactly what will happen, as long as everyone's comfortable and no boundaries are broken. It's also okay to not tell people until you're ready. It's also okay do decide you don't want to explore this! Honestly, whatever feels right to you (again, as long as everyone's comfortable and boundaries aren't broken).

__

the anon

heyyy, it’s the anon!! Been awhile since I popped in, nuh? (Like nearly 6 weeks, damn)

Anygays- I’ve got words to speak and such (obvi, why else would I be here?)

So, I’ve been doing better at setting up boundaries with my partner. It’s been a slow struggle, but I have begun doing so.

There is one caveat to all this

Let me preface this by saying I’m in a special program for school (Idk if I’ve menti9ned it before, but yeah. Special program)

My partner has been missing so much school that they’re transferring to online instead of in person. Sad part? I feel way more comfortable at that thought. I kinda feel like a horrible partner because of how I feel about it. And it’s not even cuz I know it’ll help them, it’s because I know that I don’t have to put on as much of a mask during school.

I don’t get it, I don’t really know what to think.

Ignoring the negative/advice seeking part of my ask, I do have good news!! I made a friend à few months back, but just started talking to him more frequently. And guess what?? I managed to get him into Marauders. He literally stayed up all night to learn all about it.

So far his fav marauder is Remus, kin is regulus, and overall his fav ship is wolfstar

(I also got a very ‘angry’ text from him saying “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL MY BARTY’S NAME WAS BARTHOLOMEW” obvi, Barty’s name isn’t bartholomew its Bartemus or however the hell you spell it. But it was funny)

Hi!

I don't think you should feel guilty for your feelings. Sometimes spaces is what people need to sort their feelings out, you know? I'm glad you're working on boundaries, it a difficult thing! Remember that your partner's reaction to your boundaries is also a key sign.

Omg Barty's name being Bartolomeu would be awful.

___

grounded anon

hi! I answered your ask right here :) God, what your mom said is so messed up and disgusting though, that's infuriating. I hope you know how wrong she is.

___

functioning anon

hi cas. do you have any advice on how to start actually living, like being a functioning human being, instead of letting your mind float through brainrot and just generally hating existance?

idk if you'll get it but i'm just feeling very dead rn.

I totally get this. For me, making to do lists of little things I need to do to take care of myself (brush teeth, take a shower, eat) and then crossing them off is super motivating and helps me get out of bed on those days. Maybe that could help?

[haydenthewitch]

sometimes i like to make truly insane buddie au's. will i ever write them? mostlikely not. but just imagine with me

buddie high school musical au. buck is obvi troy and eddie is gabriella. just imagine with me eddie staring longinly out the window at buck going "AND WISHES ON A STARRR THEY DON'T COME TRUUUUEEE-EE". Imagine Buck singing "Bet on it." come ONNNNNN

buddie stucky au. BUDDIE STUCKY AU. in my head, buck is so obvouisly captain america it's actualy ridcoulous. yes in the "golden retriver" way but also in the "standing on buisness about what is right and moral" way. and then eddie is SOOO bucky. ugh. FUFUSNJSN. the war-time ladies man? who then goes ghrough so much trama he becomes a literal shell of himself???? coprate would like you to find the diffrence between these. they are the same picture. and then??? buck saying "Eddie?" imagine right now our beloved ostark saying "When i had nothing i had eddie." KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME. eddie going "But i knew him. i knew him." UGH. BUCK SAYING "[villan] said 'Eddie' and i was 17 again." I'M GOING TO MAUL SOMEONE TO DEATH. i like need to take a breather i'm going to lose my mind.

buddie SPN au. let me cook let me cook let me cook let me cook okay. eddie as cas and buck as dean. and oh! oh! and that scene THE VERY TOUCH OF YOU CORRUPTS?? thats so them trust. imagine for a second here that ryan guzman says the like "i'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition???" ohhhhh my god imagine "what? you don't think you deserve to be saved?" FROM EDDIE TO BUCK??? id die id die id die. and ofc chris as their shared son, jack. (execpt that buck never says any of the FUCKASS things dean says to jack) i feel unhinged saying this but chim as sam whinchester and ravi as kevin tran ykwim

buddie twilight au. eddie is edward and buck is bella. do i have reasons for this? yes. it's becuse i said so. source: trust me bro.

buddie julie and the phantoms au. obvi eddie as juilie and buck as luke. +118 as extra ghost band members. specificaly them singing perfect harmony COME ON it's in the GD lyrics. ("love me as i am... we say we're frenids/we play pretend/your more to me/ we create the perfect harmony" LOOK ME IN THE FACE AND TELL MD ITS NOT THEM)

buddie "the selection" au. (you know, the Y/A book with america and max and FUCKING ASPEN. FUCK YOU ASPEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.) yeah buck as america OBVOUSLY and tommy as aspen (FUCK YOU ASPEN I'M STILL NOT OVER IT) and max as eddie (execpt this one doesn't work all that well becuse buck and eddie NEVER FIGHT and max and amaerica like. fight 90% of the time their together) but like. early season 2 buck and eddie as max and america?? ohhhh sign me up

buddie grey's anatomy au?? now look i haven't watched greys so i don't know any of the plot or charcters but i just feel like. nurse eddie and intern buck and attending bobby and intern hen and nurse chimney. can anybody hear me. i feel like buck is dramafic enought to be merdith and i think? maybe? hen as christina? u feel like it fits but IDK how to explain it i have only ever seen clips

vampire diaries buddie au I KNOW I ALREADY DID TWILIGHT. IT'S DIFFRENT. eddie is stephan and buck is caroline (I'M A STEPHAN AND CAROLINE GIRL OKAY. ELENA AND DAMON WERE MENT FOR EACH OTHER. STFU) but i change the end of their story so that their wedding doesn't end the way it did in TVD and they live forever in undeath and are happy about it. bobby has an alarick saltzman vibe but like. watered down alarick. not-a-dick-alarick. can anybody hear me.

BUDDIE PJO AU. Buck as percy and eddie as annabeth. oh EDDIE IS SO 'DAUGHTER OF ATHENA' CODED. i know yall know wtf i'm talking about. the kiss under the water is so THEM. although i think buck is more afraid of spiders than eddie is 4sure.

yes i know none of this makes sense. but it's important. to me.

[hard--headed--woman]

you radfems just LOVE making enemies, don't you? "why gay men don't support lesbians? like, whe have always supported gay men" FUCK OFF, you don't support trans women, you don't support women who use makeup and like to be housewives.

fuck your victim complex, you love to be violent and "angry" all the time. it's because of you that people think feminism is bullshit.

gay men make fun of lesbians? then they're assholes, but you dumbasses saying "yeah, fuck gay men, all of them are assholes and don't support us uwu" sound pathetic as well. fuck your bullshit🖕and trans women ARE women

I love how you're saying we love to be angry and violent while you've just wasted some time of your pathetic life to send anon hate to someone you don't even know. Sounds like projection to me, lmao. Trans women are men and there is nothing you can do about it besides crying like the weak crybaby you are and getting mad at women who are braver than you and dare to say it. By the way, try to find some class about reading comprehension near where you live, because if you sincerely think criticize something (like makeup or the housewive lifestyle) means hating on the women who do this thing and not supporting them. And I absolutely never said "fuck gay men, all of them are assholes", lol. How ridiculous can you get ? Are you at your best or can it get worse ? You seem to be a wonderful specimen of stupidity so I bet it ca. And, oh, let me tell you something, if that's not too complicated for your little brain - people think feminism is bullshit because they are misogynistic assholes, just like you are, not because of us. Politics aren't your thing, right ? It shows. Stop trying to talk about it with adults, my dear. Now you should go the only thing you're probably good at (besides crying), aka fucking yourself. You should be honored I even took the time to reply to your bullshit.

[fictionkinfessions]

Canon pronouns, spn edition

Sam; They/she/he. I disliked she greatly for a very long time because I didn't want people to think I was female. It grew on me again though in time, personal growth and noning my binary and such. Most commonly though, I used they/them. He/him was the standard pronoun for people who didn't have the mind to ask for my pronouns and she/her was usually a family thing. So it's very weird to watch source and constantly hear he/him, cause Dean would've never used he/him on me in a million years. Nowadays I've also trying out neopronouns, still a work in progress.

Dean; he/him. very uninteresting, I know. Sammy can write a whole book about their pronouns but all I got to say is use she/her on me and I will smite you with my trans boy swag. Yeah, I've been learning from the sys teens. I have trans boy swag now. He/him back then and he/him now.

And answering for our Cas because he wants to but can't, we didn't use any pronouns at all for Cas. The show using he/him from the start for them is confusing as fuck. Using he/they for Cas only came very, very late. By now he also warmed up to xe/xem. The concept of pronouns confused them and never felt right to him for a long time.

- #🎞️, supernatural fictives of Sam, Dean and Castiel

4

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 171

Torn and Frayed

“Torn and Frayed”

Plot Description: Naomi tells Castiel that Crowleu is holding an angel captive, and Castiel must rescue him before Crowley’s torture reveals their secrets

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: Nope. Probably not. Because I’m not a near-immortal being

Sam…yeah, Dean has kept the truth about how he’s feeling about things from you plenty of times in a misguided attempt to protect you, but he’s been unflinchingly honest way more than you ever have been. He tells this one lie and all of a sudden you’ve never lied???

I’m so…mad at how Sam’s handling this. You and Dean had such DIFFERENT years apart

At least Cas is now self aware that he’s not good at talking to people and needs Dean’s help with that

Hiding your porn from your angel crush…sure, Dean

Poor Samandriel. He’s really going through it

Girl, did you just cheat on your husband with Sam??

Honestly, for an ultimatum, it’s EXTREMELY fair. He can’t just flit in and out of her life

CAS!! There’s honest and there’s just blatantly telling Kevin he looks horrible

I mean, if you have an angel on hand to play errand boy for your demon bomb ingredients, why not use him?

I love that Kevin just kind of finds Dean annoying and puts on noise canceling headphones, and GOOD THAT HE DOES. Look, Dean’s not wrong. Mrs Tran is hot, but you don’t have to say that to Kevin to see if he can hear you!!

BENNY??? Oh no. He’s struggling to keep clean…or cleanish

Oh Kevin. “I can’t enjoy a world I need to save.” You poor thing. This should not be on your shoulders, and I’m so sorry it is

YOU KNOOOOOOW. He’s right though. And I have MISSED Castiel not caring super hard about what the Winchesters WANT and focusing on what NEEDS to get done

Love how “destroy the angel warding sigils” translates to “spray paint an X over them” somehow and it WORKS

Ok but maybe you SHOULD be listening to your head torturer

CASTIEL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. WHY AFE YOU COWERING NOW. YEAH I KNEW NAOMI FUCKING SUCKED

Oh shit. That’s no good. The demons now know there’s an Angel tablet

Oh…oh Castiel. I’m so mad on your behalf

God…the Dean/Benny breakup should not have affected me that much

Omgggggg Amelia went, and Sam wasn’t there. Like, of course he wasn’t but damn that sucks for her.

I could never be a wincest shipper but watching Dean break up with Benny and Sam not go to Amelia at the exact same time in order to work together again, I can understand how they get there

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 09x10 Road Trip

“I was probably right to be skeptical that he’s not dead, but I think they’re trying to tell us that Kevin Tran is dead” “If you stand any closer, you’ll fkn burn yourself” “They just did that to light up his face and ear” “is the ear part of the face?” “crust” “What did Dean like about Kevin Tran so much?” Dean feels responsible

“I got that” Dean isn’t emoting healthily

“I think he realized that only after he destroyed $10K of lamps” “what the fuck? That was so weird” “maybe should have called security” “what’s the bottle next to the gun? Oh it’s table salt!” “It’s salt” “the pretty gun is purty expensive” “where was Cas at that time?” Cas was freshly human

“The lighting is fkn delicious” “well let’s start with torture and needles and other creepy shit” “or we can go to Crowley. That makes more sense” “I’m right up there with Crowley’s ask” “wouldn’t that imply that Plan B is better? I know he’s trying to convey his plan is better” “Way to show all your cards man” “inexplicably” “Does he not know he needs to put gas in it?” “oh it’s the pimp mobile” laughter

“He fkn said it” “I said the same thing”

“Did he think the gas goes in the butt like Dean’s car?” “Why are they both in the back?” “Oh yeah bud” “Hell yeah” “who did he kill?” He was the only who let the snake in the garden “I already forgot” “Is this how all cults get started? Jesus fkn Christ” “yes muffins” “bloody muffins” laughter

“Well shit” “This was Plan A, for real?” “When was Dr. Sexy?” Idk. Like S4

“Phallus on wheels?” 

Laughter “what” “that’s such a canned thing” “he’s fkn killing people” “gotta kill an asshole” “oh never mind” “what?” “Is he not a wise man? Is he one of the 3 dwarves?” NO, he’s not a wiseman who visited Jesus LMAO

“If this guy stabs his friend, all angels are shit.” “Except for Cas I guess” “I shouldn’t generalize, but a lot of them are shitty” “I hate those light switches. Those half-cocked sideways things’

“That’s a lot of jello powder” “with the fist thing” “why would you ever tell your boss that?” “Sorry ma’am. Just playing both sides” “some fkn party” “ghouls and cheerleaders? I want that episode” “That would have been a good episode. They realize they’re in the angel dream. That would have been a better way to write that. Would have been so badass” “Is this just brain damage that the angels can fix?” “just gotta lobotomize him no worries” laughter

“Small talk” “you split up and didn’t work together so….” “he made some ass joke” “you damn sonuvabitch” laughter

“Dean wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for Gadreel so idk” “can’t or won’t?” “not even king of hell would do this without getting paid first” laughter “what the hell man. He’s so good with the words. It’s crazy” “just a weird thing” “it is a bad joke.” “can’t he just say the word again?” “I need a go word” “We don’t have a go word” We can come up with one “Isn’t it Gadreel’s dream that he invented?” “gulp” “That’ll leave him all in one piece no problem” “oh yes the Lincoln” “Is’nt that brand dead now?” “the goodest guy” “he planned that out” “that was good though” laughter

“They don’t have him miked up very well so it sounds funny. That’s what I’m laughing about” “they must not believe in lawyers and health care directives” laughter

“How many sons of bitches are there?” “the fkn lighting man is so good” “so fkn good” “like in some shows, it doesn’t feel intentional but this one feels like a paintbrush”

[cadybear420]

Really wishing PB would add an "are you cis or trans" menu like ILW and BB:TS Demo have, plus options to choose your anatomy separately from bodytype which I think ILW also had . Like I don't think it's that hard? I feel like it would solve a lot of these problems. And not just for the GOC books either, btw. Most of the genderlocked books, including the pointfully GL'd ones, could be really interesting to play as a trans woman MC. Especially books like BP and KND, which literally have canon trans women Aisha and Saff in their girl squad groups.

They/them options and choosing pronouns separately from bodytype (which they consistently included in most of 2022's new GOC books but pretty much dropped for all of 2023's new GOC books, which is not giving me good vibes, thankfully we're getting them back in TDG) is a good start, but there's more that can be done.

And seriously I will never fucking shut up about the clothing stuff on God. Why do the fem bodytype versions of an outfit need to be all slinky and revealing while the masc bodytype versions are more basic? Granted they have been stepping up their risque game with some of the masc body outfits in books like DLS, Alpha, TCH 2, and ID 2. But Even in those books and other books like Unbridled they often fall into what's basically the Female Video Game Armor trope but with a different coat of paint.

And people will complain about others wanting more GOC stories because "the video game industry has been catering to men for years, this is one of the few video games with female locked playable characters". Putting aside all the other problematic implications with that statement (if you can)... is this the game you wanna defend as that? Really? I will never not emphasize this. "One of the few games catered to women", yet the game in question hardly gives a damn about sapphic, aroacespec, trans, and GNC women. But sure, give them brownie points for doing the bare fucking minimum I guess.

Why do like, 90% of the GOC LIs in the past 2 years put the female versions in midriff crop tops while the male ones are not? And I really do mean this estimated statistic. Devon from TPS, Gabe and Cas from ID, Jordan from GG, Drew from RWB, Blake from FCL, Kaine from KND, formal outfit for Charlie from DLS, Channing from Alpha, Ash from Guarded...

If this TFS Chris Romantic Getaway side story doesn't completely expose their mindset with outfits and gender, then IDK what does lol (seriously, fuck this whole scene).

Anyways, continuing on. I'm a GNC cis woman, and every time the narration has to talk about how an outfit shows off "the curves of your waist" or when a LI has to give attention to my character's breasts (or ass, but I see it with breasts more commonly), it takes me right out of the story. It's part of why I prefer to play the smutty stories with a male/masc MC, but even then they have to make it all about his muscles instead. Because the only way for women to be attractive is to have "le sexy feminine curves" and the only way for men to be attractive is to have "le big strong muscles" apparently.

I'd like to see them change things up a bit. Like a female or fem bodytype MC get attention for stuff like shoulders, arms, hands. A male or masc bodytype MC getting attention for stuff like hips, ass, legs. Or, since the bodytype options are limited, at least allow us to imagine MC's bodtype a bit differently from how the sprite looks and give us bodytype neutral writing.

Also, for the love of god, different bodytypes for LIs too. I understand not doing it for MCs because it means different versions of an outfit for all the bodytypes, but LIs generally will always have fixed bodytypes so you could at least vary that up a bit.

Okay I'm maybe getting a bit off topic here IDK, but I'll finish it off by saying that... yeah, we aren't just complaining for no reason. We're complaining because we know PB can do better. People have said that of these kinds of apps, Choices is the best one for queer players, because most of the other VN apps similar to Choices don't even have GOC options or female LI options very often if at all. We have higher expectations for PB because we know they can do better.

If a bunch of passionate independent fancreators can incorporate stuff like cis/trans options in a non-profit VN fangame, what excuse does a professional company have?

i haven't yet gotten to book 2 but i read the wiki just in case and then i got to this part... WHAT. like literally what. i'm guessing what's happening here is one of two options

what they actually mean is "the third option depends on your character's pronouns, unless they use they/them pronouns, in that case it depends on their body type" but they didn't actually word it like that because it'd seem transphobic as fuck

they really do mean it depends strictly on mc's body type, not pronouns at all, meaning an mc that looks fem according to body type but uses he/him pronouns will still be called "queen" by the game and viceversa

long ass rant incoming lol

and it's not even specifically this fuck up in a supposedly "inclusive" book that makes me so mad but the fact that there's also the one MAH scene, the scene that discusses queer identities openly and maturely in a book that's supposed to be one of the most inclusive and queer friendly in the entire app, that when it's mc's turn to speak on what they've experienced, if they have a body type that doesn't match their pronouns and have romanced a li with the opposite pronouns (ie feminine body type, he/him pronouns and romanced stevie, or masculine body type, she/her pronouns and romanced a male li) the game treats mc like a cishet person by default and completely ignores body type. i don't know about y'all but i certainly find it ironic that, again, in one of the most queer friendly books, the only option to be considered queer "by default" by the game (and thus get the question of what you've experienced) if you're playing as a trans mc is to date someone of the same gender.

but let's go back to crimes of passion for a moment, eh? specifically the very first chapter. despite the dialogue here depending only on body type instead of pronouns, in the case of the first chapter (specifically the scene where trystan and mc first meet) it's a completely different situation, here it does depend strictly on pronouns even if it literally doesn't make sense. in my first ever play, i played as my usual mc, a nb!mc romancing m!trystan, and me being nb, trystan called me "a stranger". not particularly unusual, right? after all, "stranger" is gender neutral, and so i thought that was the dialogue in all cases. well... it's not. i decided to play differently, specifically with the masc body type, she/her pronouns, and f!trystan. she literally called me a "strange woman" despite not being able to guess that mc's pronouns are she/her just by looking at her, because obviously there's only two body types, fem and masc, and it's not like we ever get gnc clothing styles. that, and in all cases mc never tells trystan their pronouns, so even in the nb!mc play i got quite startled at "they're a private detective". yes, that can be interpreted as trystan simply not wanting to assume genders or it being a case of culture shock from drakovia, but then what about my masc f!mc?

and that's because pb never intended to add inclusivity in terms of binary trans mcs, or even just queer mcs beyond "gay, lesbian, bi, or non-binary BUT if they're nb they have to be either fem or masc" (see: option to pick specific sexuality for mc only appearing in the elementalists and then never again, except in the royal masquerade but they removed the option to be ace so that doesn't count for me). they never intended for players to play as a masculine looking mc that uses she/her or a feminine looking mc that uses he/him.

if they really cared about inclusivity, they would let mcs be androgynous. they would add skirts, dresses, stereotypically "fem" clothing - or just clothing that isn't just a plain t shirt or a suit in formal situations for amab or masc looking mcs. they would add more pants, baggy clothing, more stereotypically "masc" clothing - or just options that aren't always incredibly revealing slinky dresses or crop tops and short skirts meant to "emphasize your sexy feminine curves" for afab or fem looking mcs. THEY WOULD ADD NON BINARY LIS AND MORE TRANS LIS. they wouldn't have the only option to play as an explicitly trans mc (or, well, the closest thing to "explicitly trans" there can be given there's absolutely no dialogue or even implication about mc being trans in any pronoun of choice book, save for MAH but i already complained about my problems) be playing with an extremely feminine/masculine body type and having the pronouns as the only indication mc is trans, completely ignoring the dysphoria that'd give many actually trans players.

no, that's not their intention and it's never been that. their sole reason for adding the "body type separate from pronouns" is to categorize mcs that use they/them and tell them they have to be either feminine or masculine, no androgynous or gender non conforming options at all. basically the question "but are you a GIRL non binary or a BOY non binary?" they would've probably forced she/her or he/him mcs into their respective body types and only ask "but are you a pretty feminine afab enby or a handsome masculine amab enby" to they/them mcs but they knew they'd get the backlash of their lives for that so they just went "we'll just ask for body type regardless, it's not like players will actually pick he/him pronouns while playing as a WOMAN right???"

conclusion/tldr. if pb actually wanted inclusivity, they can actually put in the work and acknowledge that people do want to play as an explicitly queer mc beyond just same gender relationships and performatively adding they/them pronouns to only SOME goc books, or else just don't do anything and show they don't care at all. not pretend they care but only add the bare minimum and pat themselves on the back for it.

[howldean]

sorry, i don’t know the phrase for “they told us to bug misha by text and i won a castiel photo op out of that” in english. would you like me to try exploding from love instead.

[deancasbigbang]

Title: And you're the sky

Author: Desirae

Artist: Caduceuzs

Rating: Explicit

Pairings: Dean/Cas, background Gabriel/others

Length: 28000

Warnings: n/a

Tags: Pilot Cas/Chef Dean, mutual pining, roommates, insecure Dean, Castiel has endverse vibes, romcom, jealousy, recreational drug use, boys in love, happy ending

Posting Date: October 5, 2022

Summary:  Pilot, Castiel Novak left home, and the family business, more than a decade ago, after a falling out with his late father. But now, a desperate call for help from his brother has him returning home. Gabriel has been grounded from flying due to hypertension and needs Castiel to fill in for him until he is cleared to fly again. Refusing to stay in the family home, Castiel is invited to use Gabriel’s best friend’s spare room; only when he arrives, Castiel is shocked to discover that his new roommate is a former one-night stand; one that he had thought of many times over the years. Dean Winchester, a man with his own demons, and didn’t let them define his life.   Falling into a routine— talks with Dean over morning coffee, reconnecting with his brother, and flying the route he’s known like the back of his hand since he was a kid— is easier for Castiel than he ever imagined. It was everything he always wanted.   Dean was everything he ever wanted. All Castiel needed to do was stay.

Excerpt: “Alright, Gabe, pull up a stool and tell me why you've been acting like a toddler with a sugar rush?” “These stools are bolted in-”  “Shut up and sit down. What's going on with you?” Dean studied his friend, even more concerned now when his usually bright golden-brown eyes looked downright miserable. Gabriel sighed, and it was a defeated sound. “I've been grounded.” Dean’s brows rose. That wasn't what he was expecting. " Until I can get my blood pressure under control, I can't fly,” Gabriel continued, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser and shredding it agitatedly.  “And I know I have Kevin, but he's a junior pilot; he can't fly all the hours. His mother would kill me.” Gabriel had that right. Linda Tran was a force to be reckoned with and was already pretty upset that Kevin had given up going into politics to become a pilot.  “I’ll have to put out an ad, and who knows how long that could take. If I don’t get another pilot soon, I could go under." Dean chewed on his cheek, debating about whether or not to say something, then figured why not. The worst Gabriel could do was shoot down his idea. “What about your brother? He's a pilot, too, isn't he?” It was a testament to how off Gabriel was that he didn’t end the conversation right then. “Things are complicated for my brother. I don’t know if he would even return my calls.” “Do you not speak at all?” “Cassie, he… he was my best friend. Dad fucked him over pretty bad. I’m not going to get into why; it’s not my story to tell, but when he left, he said he’d never come back. Not as long as Dad was still on the island.” Dean regarded his friend,” Well, he isn’t here now,” he said gently. “And if you and your brother were as close as you say, maybe he’ll be grateful for the chance to come back and help you out.” Gabriel looked doubtful but gave a half-hearted shrug.  “I’ll think about it.” “You will?” Dean asked, brow raised, and Gabriel sighed again. “Yeah. If I can’t find someone by the end of the month, I’ll call Castiel.”  

DCBB 2022 Posting Schedule

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 12

functioning anon, powerless anon (new), galaxy anon, unofficial anon (new), fanart anon (new)

functioning anon

hey cas. it's functioning anon.

thanks for taking the time out of your day to answer, it meant a lot to me and i appreciate it.

here's the ask: life is hard. i don't want to die, but life is so hard. and i feel so many confusing emotions - i want to give up and not do anything ever, because why do i even exist? i shouldn't, really. but then two minutes later im smiling and having the best time of my life.

and realistically i know my life is probably way harder than the average person's, but i still can't forgive myself for not measuring up. each night i come back home exhausted and unable to move, and i sleep for like 5 to 6 hours before going to school and repeating. and i chose this life, i love it, but i want to give up every single fucking second of it. and im only in middle school. a few months later ill be in high school and the workload will be even greater.

i hate my body and i hate how i look (im fine being a cis girl, but i want to look more masculine) and i hate my personality and i hate that who i show i am to other people isn't who i really am. only a one or two of my friends and my family actually have seen the real me, and no one except myself truly understands or knows me, and it's so frustating.

and despite your advice last time helping me out a bit, i still feel like im just floating through life, like its not actually me, just a ghost pretending. it's so so hard to enjoy myself, i find myself smiling a lot less often. not fake ones, those i do all the time, but real smiles.

i just want to have a normal life. i don't understand - i love my family and my friends, they're awesome. no one bullies me or troubles me in any way. i should be happy, but i'm not.

im probably just faking it.

sorry for the super long ask, you don't have to answer, i just wanted to vent.

Hi <3

you're not faking it, and you're definitely not the first person to feel this way <3 But you also deserve to be happy with your life, and to enjoy the life you live. Do you have any adults in your life you trust to tell you're feeling like this? I'm not a professional or a doctor, but some of the things you're saying make me think of how I felt when I was around your age and I was diagnosed with depression. Asking for help when you feel this way can a lot of times make a HUGE difference, because you can find ways to work on these emotions, and feel better, you know? You deserve to feel better.

Sending love!

___

powerless anon

Hey cas

I accidentally got into a really bad rabbit hole where I just saw so much anti trans and anti abortion stuff online and it makes me so sick.

It just makes me lose so much faith in humanity to see that stuff.

I’m very comfortably cisfem so I can’t fully understand obviously, what it’s like to be trans but I can still do my best to make people feel comfortable because at the very least, everyone deserves respect.

I accidentally saw a bunch of very right wing yt shorts about abortion and trans rights and I checked the comments and scrolled a fair way down and I couldn’t find a single comment against it.

it just makes me feel so powerless because there isn’t much and I can do and I’m still in high school.

I just really needed to vent

Hi!

yeah, there are a lot of gross people in the world. But the good news is you aren't completely powerless. You CAN call people out. Of course, keep your safety in mind, but if someone at your school or in your community says something bigoted, you can tell them that they're wrong. Even if you don't change their mind, you can be a signal to someone listening that they're not alone. Especially when it comes to anti-trans speech, since you are a cis person, when you call that shit out, you're showing trans people that we have cis allies fighting for us, and that means a lot <3 Like I said, make sure you're safe about it, but you do have a voice, and that's super important <3

___

galaxy anon (tw- SI)

Hi hon <3

I'm going to be so honest with you right now. These exams feel like the biggest thing in the world. They feel like a mountain that's impossible to climb, and I get that. I have been there. I have failed exams, I have made shitty choices that changed my life in bad ways, and I have sat where you are and wondered why any of it is worth it.

And what I'm going to say is cliche but I need you to know it's true: It's been ten years since then, and all of that has been solved now.

You're talking about a VERY permanent solution to a temporary problem. Even if you fail every single exam you take, I PROMISE you, there's a way out of that. It might be difficult, but there IS a way. I believe in you, I love you, and there are other solutions.

So I need you to talk to someone. If you're not ready to tell them this is how you're feeling, that's okay. Of course, I'd love for you to tell them everything, but I get why that's scary. At least tell someone you're overwhelmed. Sit with someone. Breathe. I promise you it will be okay, and you deserve to get past this.

Remember on my pinned post, there's a link to some crisis hotlines. But I know you can get through this, I know you can talk to someone. I believe in you, and I believe YOU can believe in you, too.

Update me, okay?

___

unofficial anon

Hey cas

I think pakistan just declared an /unofficial/ war on us (india) and I'm scared. I'm down south so I most probably won't be affected. But the prospect of it just disturbs me immensely.

Why do these things occur cas? Why do people want to kill other people? I'm told it's a religious war too, is this what god wanted?

I'm so sorry, hon <3 I can't imagine how scary that is. I googled it and it sounds like there's now a ceasefire?

As far as the religious component...that's hard for me to comment on, because I'm not religious, and I don't understand that part of it, you know? I don't know the history or the feelings there. But I have to believe that war was invented by humans, not God. War is flawed, just like humans are.

___

fanart anon

sometimes i can't believe how hateful some people in this fandom are! i saw some fanart and i was reading the comments, right? some people were speculating whether it was jegulus or jily and someone in the comments just mentioned that they thought it was jegulus. another person responded about how it was jily and began to be very rude to the person and say things such as 'i hate jegulus and jegulus fans are so dumb' and i just couldn't believe it. why can't we just try to get along and respect others opinions? first and foremost, they are FICTIONAL characters😭

Hi!

Yeah, it's frustrating. I try not to get involved because I think those people are just looking for someone to be angry at- there's people like that who ship jegulus as well. Find the positive parts of fandom and stay there.

[autisticandroids]

my fics

this post has gotten out of hand, so i'm putting most of it under a cut. also, since this is my pinned, i'll link some other stuff:

[my fic rec post] [my amv rec post] [my amv tag]

alright. my spn fics. listed in increasing order of wordcount.

enjoying it, .5k: A little piece of an AU I've discussed on Tumblr (linked in the note). Linda has recently sold her soul. Meg has recently gotten hers back. They chat about it.

meg/linda tran. sure you could say that i'm mashing dolls together but you could also say that in my mind season nine is a beautiful land where the main characters of the show are cas, linda, meg, and kevin and making meg and linda kiss is just clearly the next step.

a family vignette, .5k: A couple of scenes from the bunker, starring the last men on earth.

man it must have been pretty bad in the bunker during 15x19 huh. like pretty awful. and miserable.

latch, .5k: A miracle happens. Dean feeds Cas.

hello destiel breastfeeding community.

voyeur, 1k: Dean watches his other self talk to Cas.

i feel like endverse fic is a right of passage, isn't it? this is one of only two three four i guess now five fics on this list which makes no mention of godstiel.

to act with intention, 1k: The family Winchester on the road back to the Bunker after Cas kills Billie, and more importantly, after Mary makes certain revelations about Cas' state. A rather unpleasant car ride for all concerned.

#mpregpocalypse, etc.

stability, 1k: Sam has noticed that Cas' feelings toward Dean may be more than purely platonic. He is concerned about the stability of his family.

a short little fic where i make the dynamics among tfw worse.

getting serious, 1k: A small vignette of family life in the bunker, and the difficulties therein. Dean pays no attention to Sam's escape attempt.

established destiel. sam and dean have a horrible little conversation.

no longer your brother, 1k: Michael and Lucifer pose a threat to His reign, though a small one. God pays them a visit.

OLD-ass godstiel fic from when i was like. sixteen. my interests have not changed at all.

cold storage, 1k: Crowley discovers something fascinating about Cas.

a little bit of lighthearted crowstiel fuckbuddies.

yeah, well, i don't want to, 1k: He didn't do it on purpose.

a little brothers-centric deanfic for the pilot. dean is very normal.

the follower, 1k: The world is being restructured. Dean can't stop it. He has a long conversation with someone instead.

an unpleasant and uncomfortable conversation between dean and godstiel. dean tries to make it sexual in order to make cas uncomfortable. it does not make cas uncomfortable.

squeeze, 1k: Soft, sweet Destiel sex. They're still getting used to each other. That's it.

destiel fluff. dean is so lovely when he's neurotic.

just gimme daddy's blunt instrument, 1k: Dean points a gun at Cas.

godstiel gunfellatio fic. they don't fuck in this but they do.

dog pit., 1k: Meg. And bodies. And guts.

meg fetishism.

damage control for a walking corpse, 1k: Meg escapes Crowley's dungeon, at least for a little while. She prays.

meg character study featuring faith, lucifer, masochism, and megstiel.

debug., 1k: Dean gets his crew to steal him an angel.

written for @au-roulette, an experimental cyberpunk au fic.

hunger, 1k: Endverse Cas talks about what it was like to have Dean inside him.

november fifth fic 2022. despite being technically an endverse fic, focuses on cas saving dean from hell.

eros and thanatos, 1k: Cas enjoys himself immensely, and then he doesn't. Dean can't find out.

my entry for @deancas-stabfest! casturbation feat. cas triggering himself and throwing up after.

soft and squishy, 2k: Dean shoots Cas. He processes that.

extra extra come get your hell trauma! come get your fluffy gore porn! written for @destielvalentinesexchange

the beautiful people, 2k: Dean and what it's like to be wanted.

dean has a pretty bad relationship with sex and sexuality doesn't he.

dean winchester really needs to make some gay friends, 2k: There was no way the answer to this question wasn’t funny as hell.

post canon fluff and humor, written and posted during the week of madness between 15x18 and 15x19. an exploration of a dean who is queer, but doesn't really understand how to be queer yet.

there is want., 2k: There is God. And there is a body. And there is want.

*sigh* more godstiel fic. this time with horrific and gratuitous gore. godstiel eats some copies of dean, to see if that will satisfy him. this one, the follower, and just gimme daddy's blunt instrument are a kind of triptych. they don't exist in the same continuity but they all follow the same themes: sex-without-sex between dean and godstiel, mixed with character and relationship exploration.

wink, 3k: Cassie deals with grieving her father, and has a little lesbian interlude.

my first piece for @spntoxicfemslashevent this year. hey have you guys heard about meg 1.0? have you heard about meg 1.0? what about cassie have you heard about cassie? have you heard about megcassie?

smorgasbord, 3k: An incident under the influence of Famine.

my bloody valentine fic (evil) (horny) (evil).

goldfish, 4k: Lisa Braeden opens the door for some strangers.

a study on cas in the aftermath of a slightly divergent moriah where jack did not die, through the lens of lisa braeden and her memory.

three card stud, 4k: A collection of script excerpts for a version of Season Six that goes a bit differently. Cas and Dean conspire. Lisa is oblivious, and they keep her that way. Dr. Freud always said nightmares were based on wishes, too.

finally! some deancaslisa infidelity. mindwipenatural (worse). live free or twi-hard (better). an experimental amv for a version of season six that doesn't exist.

i fold in half so easily, 5k: A study in learned helplessness, set in the Men of Letters Bunker. Cas clings hard to what he has, and doesn't think about what he doesn't.

this is my 15x18 anti-fix-it. my 15x18 make-it-worse. my magnum opus of the winchester family horror in late seasons, or at least cas' experience of it. established relationship destiel (derogatory). it's my favorite piece i've published in spn fandom, and maybe in any fandom. i put a lot into it and i hope you get a lot out of it.

circle, broken, 5k: A series of conversations and resolutions. Cas haunts the fringes of a new Heaven.

my piece for @spnangelbang! 5k of quiet cas angst and angel feelings, with a little bonus trueform stuff.

not him/not her/not me, 5k: Memory repeats itself: first as trauma, second as kink. Isn't that what Karl Marx said? Two pinned butterflies explore it together.

megstiel piece for @spnangelsanddemons-rb. what if you got brainwashed, huh? what if you were always getting brainwashed? what if your whole life was about getting brainwashed? brainwashed and remade?

he's gonna take my files, 6k: Dean goes to the Empty, where Cas is floating through his memories.

dean in the dean torture chamber. featuring guilt spirals, a deancaslisa threesome (arguably), stabbing, relitigation of the canon, and a cameo from the yellow-eyed demon.

so much smoke in a hall of mirrors, 6k: Humans kiss each other. Angels kill each other. Castiel distracts himself from the war he's losing.

doing angel politics, unconsensually watching dean rake leaves (and other things), working on his frustrations on the physical bodies available to him. it's season six and cas is having a terrible time. formerly known as the dean sex doll fic.

the real finale, 21k: Supernatural 15x19 and 15x20, as they should have been.

mainly the work of @beatsheetketch, but it is our shared brainchild. a lot softer and fluffier than either of our usual fair. our go at a finale rewrite.

[crimsonxe]

Alright let’s get some fucking shit correct here @ashelyskies

a) I didn’t say K/din’s case wasn’t problematic, you fucking jackass. I did say that K/din’s case was 8 (EIGHT) fucking years ago with more of a case of ignorant views vs. bigotry. Which my sentiment is backed up by her response to one of the parties where she herself states not holding present people to the guillotine for their past shit. Anyway setting that aside: That whole thing was apologized for by one of the parties involved in it before anything was mentioned to the public (so wasn’t for brownie points) w/ said apology being accepted by her with a statement about not going after people for their past (cause really want to make sure this part gets across); yet this was still brought up and said party was still thrown to the damn wolves regardless of them doing every damn thing right. Mostly because this part wasn’t part of the initial post and was only brought up in said reply to the other party.

Now this ignorance issue is something that can be applied to multiple people, especially with ones raised in certain areas and in a pre-LGBT+ mainstreaming era where someone doesn’t fucking know better. Someone 9 years prior uses a slur, then as they get older realize how bad it is and is horrified at using it in the past. Do I categorize that person as bigoted? No I don’t. Now take that person and have them in present continuing to use the term with full knowledge of its offensive nature? Yeah, that person is a bigot. Though this distinction eludes outrage culture types (usually of the far-left variety) that think the person deserves to be considered a bigot regardless of growth or change. You grew up in a place that was forward thinking and/or in more modern times? Good for your ass, not everyone fucking got that (this will be elaborated on further down).

b) The medical side of things: corps dodge any expense they fucking can and that has nothing to do with LGBT+ status. They’re just shitty and cheap. There’s nothing I’ve seen that goes towards it being at all tied to trans status. That’s not defending RT, its seeing them as what they are a corp; hell it doesn’t even paint them in a particularly good light cause still shitty.

c) Mi/ca presented a case where she walked in to see a white board with a slur on it, as if that was just a thing at RT and/or was meant for her to see it. The full context however: People were doing a damn South Park reference, the slur wasn’t fully there as per the reference, and it wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone but them. If anything it fits the idea of two 20-something idiot SP fans  latching onto distasteful SP “jokes”. Still shitty, but context puts more onus on SP that is being referenced and the parties being idiotic 20-somethings. NOT an intentional racist attack on Mi/ca and/or other PoC that’d come across it. It was also from years ago (a recurring theme), considering that episode of SP was from 2007 (yes I googled it) on top of that. It’s called being a dumbass 20-something fan that watched a show that leans on edgy distasteful “humor”. Not only does it only go towards what RT/AH was, “dudebro edgy humor”, but doesn’t reflect current RT/AH attitudes.

Now for anyone that follows me and wants anything to do with this person? Do whatever the fuck you want, I don’t care and I’m not your parent. I’m someone that grew up in a southern state that has experience with let’s say complicated/ nuanced views as a result of it. I used to watch South Park and know the mindset of a 20-something year old in regards to it. Also while I’ve never used certain slurs, I have in my ignorance used the G slur till I ran across information that corrected how to refer to Romani cause the G slur is the only word ever used in reference to them. I have used the r word and honestly still have to fight my own ingrained response towards it, when heated; because it was something that I grew up with and had to learn to not resort to. People are not fucking born perfect or even taught how to be perfect, there’s a growth period and an intent element. Which is exactly what my point is. I’m an LGBT+ center-leftist that grew up surrounded by the right wing ignorant people including friends and family. I’ve seen some evolve from as the times have as well as their ignorance being removed who deserve to be allowed to not be called fucking bigots for past bullshit. ftr that isn’t about RT either, that’s about irl; so yeah miss my fucking ass with the outrage culture bullshit that takes a “forever damaged/tainted”/”irredeemable” approach to the subject. Now in regards to RT: shitty things were said and perpetuated in the past by ignorant younger people of the time and corps are shitty penny-pinchers that care about expenses or hell with RT management’s impression just completely inept at remembering what they agreed to pay for. I won’t get swept into the outrage culture bullshit and have my own views on things.

Now I will say to definitely go fuck your damn self for trying to frame my post in the light that your fucking ass did. I guess if someone doesn’t line up perfectly in-step with your ass, then you have to try to smear them where you can. Unfortunately for you, I ran out of “giving a shit about others’ views of me” a long ass time ago; probably around the time I got tired of burying my LGBT+ status and started using my voice as I wished. In the past meant clashing against incels and right wingers; recently its meant clashing against far-leftists who both use similar ass tactics. I have disgust towards right-wingers and just anger towards the far-leftists that more times than not shoot the overall left’s causes in the foot.  “Go woke, go broke (right wing) = outrage culture (far-left).

[shallowseeker]

when dean thinks he’s alone, he definitely dances to (embarrassing) songs in the kitchen

///

there are exactly twelve times he gets caught.

1. the first time, it’s sam. dean knows it’s sam because sam doubles over in over-the-top laughter right away.

for weeks after that, sam starts singing, “too high, can’t come do—own,” in a britney-toned falsetto.

the dick.

2. the second time isn’t so bad. dean’s doing a lil sock-footed shimmy to aretha franklin��s r-e-s-p-e-c-t, and he catches a face-full of kevin tran’s spit-take.

pepsi. yuck.

coulda been worse for sure.

3. the third time’s pretty bad. he really should know better by now.

dean’s in his dead-guy robe, and one of those crackley old recordings of irving berlin’s dancing cheek to cheek comes on over the tinny radio he’s got propped up in the bunker kitchen. (grammy hall of fame 2000 version.) dean imagines frank sinatra and ginger rogers, and he starts to sway, liking how his robe billows around when he spins. it’s a little bit like fighting, except…

…the big band sound’s got him feeling a little giddy.

he spins a little faster and mouths along to the lyrics, “And the cares that hung around me through the week, Seem to vanish like a gamblers lucky streak, When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek.”

dean picks up the still-cold cast iron skillet (he plans to make an omelet in a little while) and smooshes his hot, hot cheek against its cold surface.

the music swells.

Dance with me , I want my arm about you , That charm about you, Will carry me through to Heaven

and suddenly, cas is there. his face is pinched as he watches and—shit that’s actually cas. in the doorway. not some weirdo daydream.

the skillet lands on dean’s foot with a painful thud, and dean slams his hand down on the radio and fumbles till the volume cuts completely.

“dammit cas! don’t sneak up on a guy like that!”

(cas is still a new and relatively uncommon presence in the bunker, after all.)

“i wasn’t…sneaking. Dean, your foot.”

dean ignores the skillet on the ground and puts a hand on his hip, affecting hopefully something blasé and uncaring. “hm? oh. my foot’s good, dude.”

cas raises a brow, then pointedly tracks his eyes to the table across the room.

just peachy.

now cas wants to heal him. this just gets better and better. dean takes a limping step.

ow. nope.

yeah, if he limps his way over there, it’ll be obvious how much his damn toes hurt.

next, cas looks pointedly at the taller, bar height table—the one closer to the stove, and to dean. dean mutters an annoyed, “okay, okay,” before making a great show of rolling his eyes and hoisting himself up.

“it’s not that bad, cas.” he swings his feet childishly for emphasis.

cas kneels. and slides off dean’s soft house-shoe. his fingerpads wrap around dean’s ankle as he leans forward to inspect.

yeah, the toes are swollen as fuck. three of them are purple and there’s black blood underneath the second toenail. (that pressure is probably what hurts. were he alone, dean would probably drill a hole in it or yank the nail, just to release the pressure.)

as it is, dean’s already relaxing before cas even fixes it, probably a pavlovian response to cas healing him so many times.

then hot, hot grace flows in, and the pain ebbs away. cas’s fingers drift down towards dean’s toes, like he’s checking them one last time.

for some damn reason, dean wriggles his toes as cas’s fingers sweep by. then, like dean’s toes have some kind of angel banishing sigil carved on them, cas is up and headed for the library, muttering something about helping sam.

it’s probably dean’s imagination, but he thinks he hears cas humming the sinatra song, a whole week later.

dean thinks about how the skillet felt against his cheek.