#fuck over people immensely
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*me to my favorite characters curled up in a blanket, sobbing and heaving*: i’m- i’m s-so fucking s-so-sorry
them: i’m- i’m not alive??? LMAO??? SUCKS TO YOU????
#neil perry#dead poets society#love quinn#you netflix#henry winter#the secret history#james farrow#iwwv#ramiz rafi mirza#babel or the necessity of violence#fang runin#the poppy war#fuck me for ever fucking caring#and barely any of them are straight#they will decease#get fucked over immeasurablely#become a gay#fuck over people immensely#or all of the above#they’re kinnies or fucking cunts#more characters like this to come#comfort character
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lol arthur realizes with the other knights after watching merlin flirt and being hit with a wave of deja vu: holy shit you asked me out
merlin and the rest of the knights around a campfire after leaving a village bc lancelot and leon somehow started a brawl in the tavern: ???
arthur points at merlin: after valiant! you asked me to buy you a drink! you were asking me out!
merlin is busy cooking dinner and confused out of his fucking mind: what???…..valiant….oh the knight with the snakes.
gwaine who was slightly tipsy now stone cold sober and sitting up straight against a tree: wait. explain. what do you mean merlin asked you out??
arthur snaps his fingers as he recalls the memory: i apologized for sacking you and you said that if i bought you a drink we’d be even.
merlin now remembering how he had stumbled into camelot, picked a fight with a pigheaded bully which quickly turned homoerotic and flirtatious, and continued their teasing-flirting for days before merlin shot his shot and asked the prince out only to be rejected: oh yeah, i forgot i did that…..wait, you mean you didnt realize what i was asking?
arthur: no?? we argued everyday, how was i supposed to realize you were asking me out??
merlin now abandoning the dinner and staring across the camp at arthur while the rest of the knights watch their back and forth like a game of tennis: to you we were arguing, to me that was very much flirting. i thought you were flirting back so i decided to ask you. then you rejected me
arthur, mentally beating his past self up for fucking up their chance: i didn’t reject you!!! i just didn’t realize what you were asking me. how was i meant to? we fought every chance we got
leon, nudging elyan, glee and excitement riling through him: its happening!!! its finally happening!!! seven long, grueling years is finally paying off!!!
merlin, realizing the misunderstanding and acknowledging the fact that he wasn’t rejected, his flirtations just weren’t noticed - realizing he still has a chance: oh…oh i see. arthur, my dear, our fights were extremely flirtatious. need i remind you of what you said? “do you know how to walk on your knees? would you like me to teach you?” or “i could take you apart with one blow”
arthur, mental capabilities at an all time low: m…my dear….?????????
merlin grinning devilishly as he realizes that his flirtatious persona he had hidden away after falling head over heels for arthur can make a come back: that is what i called you. should i call you something else? say…mine?
percival gags in elyan’s ear: cheesy
elyan hides a laugh: at least they’re finally getting somewhere. better than the hopeless pining
arthur, flushed from head to toe: ah uh no um im uh
merlin thoroughly enjoying himself: oh come now, your majesty. use your words.
#meanwhile leon is praying his thanks to every god and goddess above for their mercy#his pain and suffering is so over#merlin is going IN on arthur who is red as fuck#gwaine is enjoying himself immensely#lancelot pulls out popcorn to watch the two idiots finally get their acts together#flirty merlin x flustered arthur#i think yes#listen. merlin lived in ealdor. a small village of maybe thirty people - four or five being his own age#he was thrilled to be in camelot and have new faces and people to meet#he was definitely the village tease or flirt or whatever#he was gonna be a rake in camelot but unfortunately managed to fall hopelessly in love with the prince of camelot#he burned his dreams of being a rake in exchange for arthur#the issue? arthur rejected his advances. next issue? merlin’s feelings remained and grew#so merlin is a lovesick puppy for a prince who doesnt feel the same and he cant find it in himself to look at anyone else bar a few cases#he and lancelot def slept together at least once. him and gwaine tumbled into bed a few times together#but his heart always belonged to arthur he just never imagined hed get a chance to let his affection be known#now that he knows arthur never knew of his intentions in the first place and was quick to deny he rejected him#merlin is more than happy to let that part of his personality come back and terrorize arthur is a way he hadnt been able to before#hes living his best life rn#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#knights of the round table#fanfiction ideas#prompts#headcanon
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No but we need to keep talking about Gaza online, on every platform possible, actively and relentlessly, or they will actually get away with criminalizing any mention of the genocide altogether and that would put the palestinian people, palestinian immigrants/refugees and the people who are still actively advocating for their rights to immense risk.
The milder the general public's outrage gets, the more pressing the danger.
#palestine#not to mention the precedent it sets#I get we are a majority group of broke people and it's a lot and when we can't help anymore we freeze#I get the sense of powerlessness#it's been eating me alive honestly#but I think what we should do is to organize IRL *far more* and bring that back to the forefront of local politics#we can and should give to fundraisers but our real shot at anything is to immensely inconvenience the people we elected#if the grief about children in plastic bags die down it's fucking over for all of us#if we accept this as the new bottom line then what#what becomes the worth of a human life then#what's even the point
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the lesser known did symptom of not knowing anything about your life because not only do you not remember anything (and the memories you Do have are heavily fragmented so you have no idea when they occured), but you also consistently destroy all traces of yourself during dissociative episodes. rip every diary ive tried to keep and almost every social media account. i will never know what i got up to or who i was during those years
i have a spreadsheet i use for documenting memories that turn up before i can forget them again. where i also do my best to estimate what year or season or month they came from. but its all just such a mess. even 2021 onwards which are supposed to be my therapy years are very very patchy. i wish i could just know my life
#kostik speaks#having a moment#is it fucked up that the vast majority of what i can place on my life timeline is directly lifted from the internet archive#where i desperately try to remember old urls and see if any evidence of my existence has been immortalised#just so i can know what i was doing. and who i was. and what i was going through. when.#anyway#im so upset about how much evidence of myself ive destroyed now that im finally trying to put the pieces together#just because i refused to accept that was me and i took it upon myself to delete the old mes from existence#over and over again#because reading what id written and identifying with who i was was immensely dysphoric and distressing#any sort of life history is just. not there#i try very hard but i rely a lot on other people and archives that i cant wipe myself#because otherwise the pieces of my memory just dont work and none of it makes sense#its tough#just had to ask my mother when my grandmother died#it was really not long ago#because it was a significant event. i have a memory fragment of learning the news. i have no idea when it was though#maybe learning the time of year will explain some things. heres to hoping#im venting ignore me#i must have asked her before already but! youll never guess. i forgot#so i asked again and this time ill get it on the spreadsheet#so maybe i can build up a small timeline of that section of the year around that date#thats what im hoping. heres to hoping
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fave episode of all time is always gonna be Time's Arrow but Escape From LA will always have a special place in my heart for being like. a fucking nuclear bomb on my psyche when i watched it as a teenager.
#The View From Halfway Down also clears i just remembered it. mmmwah#but yeah and it still makes me insane to think people honestly believe bojack wasn't in the wrong. i can understand teens thinking that but#anyone over the age of 20? immensely fucked up. jesus.
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help people are mistaking the opening chapter of my psych horror story about a man getting trapped in a demented game of house with a personification of the US Military's rot for a cute gay romcom about veterans relaxing after achieving glory
#a blue lives matter type reblogged it yucky yucky yucky yucky#they are blocked now but still#That chapter is the part of the movie where the couple moves into the suspiciously cheap old house and is so happy to#settle into their new life where nothing horrible or ghost related could ever happen#zephyr and renard are Literally in a house where they'll be watched Constantly to make sure Zephyr is imparting the Right kind of#normal onto Renard.#Renards a monster. Hes a person who's sweet and loyal and wants nothing more than to do well at the things he is told are good#but the people deciding what is and isnt good are the US Fucking Military. and a guy who is fully 100% aware of the military's role#in modern imperialism and global violence and just doesn't give a shit about that. because thats not His problem now is it#their happily ever after is a nightmare scenario for Zephyr.#trapped and watched like an insect in a jar with the threat of immense pain and violence hanging over his head 24/7 if#he doesn't play his role right. if he doesn't act as incentive for Renard to behave and obey well enough.#he cant even run because Renard will always be able to find him.#and Renard doesn't know this is Zephyr's nightmare. Thats not what his programming says it is. His dear little wife is ust testing him#to make sure hes loyal enough to follow and bring her home every time she runs.
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Nghhh chewing on finweans and realizing how self-sacraficial is so deeply instilled in that family, and that that particular trait is prevalent in each generation.
Finwe knew he couldnt win against Morgoth, but he could try and protect his grandchildren. He fought regardless.
Fingolfin knew he couldnt twin against Morgoth in 1-on-1. He fought regardless.
Finrod knew he would die on his quest for Beren, and still fought the wolf to save his friend. He did.
Celebrimbor knew he could protect others by dying, protecting the knowledge about the rings. He did.
It stands to reason that Elladan, Elrohir or Arwen, would have come upon a similar fate.
#sometimes it just hits me with a sledgehammer like that family (esp the feanorian side) is portrayed as selfish a lot#(instert 'justice for caranthir for tslling Angrod to fucking stick with the people who arent hiding in Menegroth from Morgoth'-agenda)#(insert 'feanor was a selfish prick by abandoning the others in aman and forcing his sons to re-swear the oath upon his death' rant)#but i still think they are actually more opputunistic when you REALLY want to put a word ending with -istic there#feanor saw the opportunity to leave aman. fuck the brother he never liked. feanor only needs the people who'll be loyal to his family anyway#curufin saw the opportunity to get support form those of nagothrongld after he and celegorm had to flee like cowards from the dragons#which. for two people who i think have immense pride in their battle skill and strength must have been a HUGE ego blow#celegorm saw the opportunity to either: fuck over doriath and thingol by keeping luthien as political leverage (i dont think he's have#forced himself on her intimately. so fuck that. idc man. leave that shit away from me. he's an asshole but not a rapist imo anyway)#or: get a silmaril out of this mess SOMEHOW.#maedhros saw the opportunity of a possibly successful assault on angband after the silmaril quest of B+L and immediately began warplanning#and realistically speaking you cant tell me that maedhros didn't see the opportunity to casually drop the fact that it was HIS brothers and#HIMSELF holding basically all the eastern lands of beleriand in safety by closing off the Gap of Maglor while... where have you heard vague#rumours of turgon and ⅓ of the nolofinwean people maybe possibly not having died after suddenly disappearing? yeah. thought so.#just the opportunity to make slight political jibes available to shut anyone up about them being selfish#this is a weird post idk where this is going i stopped thinkig halfway though the second sentence#somehow that tag rant veered from self-sacraficial to opportunistic. didnt have that on my bingo card
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Actually could people stop being elitist and negative in the tags my block list is getting bloated by this point
#speculation nation#not actually of course. i can and will block as many people as it takes for me to have peace.#but it is immensely annoying to keep seeing people complaining about new fans or whatever in the tags.#like man if ur criticizing actual problems in fandom that's different. bc it comes from a constructive angle.#but if ur just here to put down anyone else's harmless headcanons or what theyre doing with their works??#like fuck dude you dont have to agree with it but what crawled up your ass and made you think you had to imply these fans are delusional?#god at this point this is a vague post. obviously not at anyone who follows me. i blocked this person anyways.#muttering @ myself I Do Not Get Into Fandom Drama to make sure i dont start a fight over this or something#im just. UGH!!!!!! youre just being an asshole man!!!!! whats your PROBLEM!!!!!!!
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here's some shit that i don't think i posted before
#artists on tumblr#my art#oc#digital art#original character#oc art#fantasy art#digital sketch#traditional drawing#artwork#my artwork#cowboy#comic art#NoaceComic#the first guy is an emo adventurer guy who is suffering immensely. became an adventurer with some people who become his besties and then-#-they all die. in the same event that fucked up his arm. he spends a very long time wandering depressed through the wilderness.#meanwhile#3 & 4 are Noace. who is having a much nicer time with his adventures. he was a carpenter but he quit because he had a vision that said he-#-needed to meet one of the gods so like yeah. then he goes over to her and he gets a task to destroy an evil god-like wizard. plus he has-#-friends who aren't dead.
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the main reason I will always be obsessed with David Tennant is that fundamentally, we share the same mental illness
#I’m constantly in awe of him#and obv he's immensely talented and attractive and a great person#but that man is clearly insane#i mean he sits and writes 10k essays on the homoerotic subtext of shakespeare#he can't sit still for like 2 seconds#or sit normally on a chair#he thinks using real skulls for hamlet is cool (it is)#he says things like “i'd rather hide under a table than go out” and “i wear hoodies so people don't talk to me (they assume I'm a murderer)#he faked an assistant to get out of attending events#is obsessive about his geeky shows#is somewhat an adrenaline junkie. said about doing theatre;#“it was horrible and it was actually killing me. but once it was over i ofc thought to myself 'oh i think i might have to do that again”#in interviews he keeps going off in tangents and looses the complete point of the question#i mean i just watched one where he was asked about his first day on set on doctor who#and he somehow ended up on passionately speaking how we are all fucked if donald trump is elected (this was before he was president)#and nearly started an anti-trump campaign (king)#has the chronic inability to make sartorial choices that would result in anything but the gayest outfits#has imposter syndrome#ofc i can only aspire to be fractionally as cool as him#but all this actually deeply relatable#this is probably why tumblr likes him so much#david tenannt
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just reread vespertine and GOD DAMN i forgot how good this book is. Go read it right now. 17 year old aromantic autistic nun gets posessed by centuries old incredibly powerful malevolent ghost who turns out to be a huge catty bitch and also teaches her how to do self care. And theyre best friends
#lich says shit#i fucking love this book it's so good#Best dynamic: Two people with no social skills or experience who get along incredibly well because of how weird and fucked up they both are#artemisia is Not a reliable narrator and we love that for her#she'll tell someone about her immensely tragic chldhood then say 'ah they seem upset i've clearly made them hate me' GIRL they are SAD.#they are SAD and CONCERNED FOR YOU.#anyways not to spoiler too much but i also love how Every character gets done justice#there's a few characters that a lesser novel would dismiss as being a stereotype or a 2d character#for example Just The Evil One or Just The Funny One#but Every recurring character gets layers! No one is just one thing and it's amazing#bc you realize over time that you've made the exact same assumptions about them as Artemisia did#anyways. im gonna be insufferable about this#vespertine#artemisia of naimes
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// ed shit in the tags I guess, spoilers for poor things
#i think i hated poor things so much because it just kind of thrust this thin#childlike woman to the fore as the object of ultimate desire and the only thing capable of achieving humanity or whatever#i don't know many supermodel thin people and i found immensely disturbing to watch someone who looked more like thinspo in screen#something fucked in my head over that film#like how fucking noncy it was#she had the brain of a child and she was super sexualised because of her innocence and oh isnt it so cute how she cant walk or talk properly#we know she barely has the brain of a toddler lets watch her fuck a grown man like that is fucked thats sick#and no one else seems bothered by how gross that film was#like nice we get to see a pretty person have orgasms#nah i didnt enjoy it plus the surrealism got boring
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how do you ask your roommate to leave surfaces generally in a clean and working order. not even talking about clutter but like oil and grime and shit
#he is my age. at the throats of parents who dont teach their male children to clean#god knows im not perfect at this but at least i have immense social anxiety about putting my own obstructive messes in front of other peopl#id like to state for the record that im not angry or upset over this . just frustrated that im doing a) more home maintenance work than him#and b) more home maintenance work than i did living on my own#and im like 2-3x as busy. get 2-3x less sleep. developing stress conditions etc etc#he does stuff when i ask him to in a good enough kinda way but also i hate asking 👍👍👍👍👍 i hate asking so fucking bad#this close to asking him to just hire a cleaning service on his weeks to clean despite the fact that he makes like almost half of what i do#augh#anyway im fine . ive been crocheting a project due at the end of the month for 4 hours straight sitting on the living room carpet#id sit on my couch but like i have a thing about touching peoples beds and hes asleep on it half the time 😭#incidentally. yes thats why im in the living room instead of my room lmaoooo#ugh ok anyway anyway. ''you live like this?'' yes sorry i just need to talk to him but our schedules are really incompatible l#and im always the one pestering him about stuff like hes never asked me to do anything . so i feel bad. this is my own fault. i know this#just need to complain somewhere because my ass is numb lol this isnt a cushiony carpet
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If our visa appeal gets rejected I'm gonna throw up
#I HATE. MY GOVERNMENT'S IMMIGRATION PRACTICES. AAAAAAAAH#So. in other news. My and Luna's marriage visa got rejected today#after years of effort and IMMENSE monetary expense#and it was rejected for an issue on THE GOVERNMENTS END. IT WASN'T EVEN OUR FAULT.#i wanna throw uppppp this is my life that you cunts are fucking withhhhh#we're. applying for an appeal. because they donthave ANY good legal reason to reject us#anyway. when people say that the fight for marriage quality isn't over yet. please keep couples from different countries in your mind.#I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED. TO GET MARRIED. I HATE THIS#i say#negative
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#seeing weird t //rf takes abt surrogacy is so. 😨 'you can't pay to use a woman's body!!!!' ok first of all that is. Not how it works.#like. obviously in some situations people choose to be a surrogate as a last resort which is absolutely not good#but i really really really hate this black and white mentality these people get where if it's bad sometimes it's labelled Bad#some ppl genuinely choose to be surrogates bc they enjoy the process of pregnancy & helping people achieve their dream of starting a family#'surrogacy should be illegal' do you realise how fucking insane you sound?#forcing women into surrogacy should be illegal sure. but can we like. focus on making a society where women don't feel forced into that.#rather than ruling it out and labelling it bad overall when it's so much more nuanced than that??? it's really really weird?#if a woman knows the risks of pregnancy but genuinely wants to experience it to allow someone else to have a child??#that's? their choice?#the least f*minist thing you can possibly do is say hey actually it shouldn't be allowed for women to do that w their body#like you do realise that sounds fucking crazy right#and then the whole 'they only 'enjoy' it bc they've been conditioned to think that blah blah blah GOD do you HEAR YOURSELF...#why are you acting like all women are immature children incapable of making informed decisions.#in the name of f*minism too like you must realise how patronising it is.#'she THINKS she wants it but no one wants that!!!' or maybe you just don't understand that different ppl feel differently abt stuff.#if YOU don't want to be a surrogate then don't 😭 it's no one's place to tell anyone what they want.#and for those with fertility issues etc etc who can't have their own children biologically it's such an immense kindness & blessing#to have someone willing to carry a child for you. like it's really incredible that people choose to do that#and undermining it by acting like they've been groomed into it by the patriarchy...... hello.#anyway rant over it's just such a weird take and not what i expected to see today#'just adopt' yes adoption is super important and there are so many kids who need homes but. it's also an extremely lengthy process#and rlly difficult sometimes too#& if a couple wants their own biological child that's their choice yk as long as everyone involved is ok w it ur opinion does not matter😭
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i have not been sleeping well and i do think it's doing bad things to me because the thoughts i am having are not reasonable or helpful
#driving myself insane thinking about my own mediocrity#which is just not really necessary....................#like okay so what if i am deeply mediocre that is not the worst thing in the world to be#ditto with being immensely boring like OKAY SO WHAT . maybe i am boring maybe i am mediocre it literally doesn't matter#and i can't be that fucking boring because people talk to me so like . i must have something going for me#anyway i think it must be the lack of sleep bc these r thoughts i have outgrown . i'm over it . if i am mediocre and boring then i am#i am trying my best to get better at things and be kind and learn lots and maybe one day that will result in me not being#mediocre and boring but like . if in the meantime i am then in the meantime i am !#basically everyone pls manifest that i get a good sleep tonight bc i don't want to be doing thsi
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