#fuck off im trying
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My life is falling apart faster than a nature valley bar with moderate to severe joint pain on steroids
#it’s 1:49am#i need goddamn sleep#i need sleep#go the fuck to sleep#i need sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep#let me sleeeeeeeep#i’m tired#it’s too early for this shit#good night#fuck off im trying
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being in love with a fictional character will make u produce art u didnt know u were capable of
~
[if ur part of the "fiction doesnt affect reality" crowd: please fuck off lol]
#me: oh teehee lets just do this for fun bc im bored and want to try smth i haven't done in a year#the art: hi im gonna turn out far above what u thought u had the skillset for#im convinced this is just beginners luck DBDJDKL or like...#one of those times where u just produce rly good art for a day or two and then it never happens again DBFHDKL#ur graced by the light of some creative spirit entity and then they fuck off into the void randomly and leave u with no abilities SBJDKDL#dandy.cmd
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something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.
not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.
you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.
but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.
you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.
but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.
you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.
you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?
you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.
you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!
you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"
#this is very obviously about my battle with#ptsd#but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery#i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness#and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different#here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed#learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly#and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest#and now it is flowering.#it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now...#... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy.#(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)
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So like, y'all know that popular Star Wars fic trope of Time Traveling Obi-Wan Kenobi where he dies and then wakes up in his 11ish year old body back in the Jedi Temple? You know how usually he wakes up, has a few minutes/hours of confusion, and then goes about trying to act like he was at age 11 while slowly fixing everything wrong with the Jedi Order? Personally I think he would not do that.
I think that Ben "Lived As A Wizard Hermit For Two Decades On Tattooine, Left, And Then Died Immediately" Kenobi would wake up as an eleven-year-old, have a panic attack, attack the nearest adult Jedi while accusing them of Doing Weird Sith Shit To His Brain, fucking flee, only then realize he has time traveled, steal someone's ship, go flying out of the temple to god knows where, continue panicking, crash into a random moon while distracted, nearly die, build a survival camp out of his broken ass ship and eat whatever bugs he can find, get kidnapped by pirates, overthrow said pirates, steal their ship, and then very calmly return to the Jedi temple like nothing happened.
Then and only then do I think he would start trying to act like a normal human person (while also dodging questions such as "what the fuck was that" and "where were you" and "is that a pirate's ship?"), except he'd be bad at it due to having lived as an Insane Wizard Desert Hermit for the past twenty years who has experienced enough trauma and time that he doesn't super well remember the details of his childhood, what with all of the wars and death and wars and such.
His acting convinces nobody, but nobody is sure what exactly to do about All Of That so he's for the most part left alone (after very vehemently refusing sptherapy), all the way up until he catches a glimpse of palpatine out of the corner of his eye and then its On Sight
#mads posts#star wars#obi-wan kenobi#specifically i see fics where he gets blasted back to the past and he genuinely acts like he's 11 or whatever age again#and im like NO thats some fuckin weirdo inhabiting the body of an eleven year old#thats a fiftyish year old dude who looks eighty and thinks the best way to train Newly Discovered Force-Sensitive Luke is to blindfold and#shoot at him#he spent twenty years fucking around in a desert and left the planet one (1) time to go rescue leia#he cannot in any way act like a normal child are you kidding me#he was only ever 'normal' during the clone wars because he was standing next to Anakin 'hey watch this' skywalker#actually i think if obi wan were to try to act like a normal kid of the age he appears he would either wildly over or undershoot#he'd be like. huge eyes and babytalk and innocent expressions OR he'd forget he doesn't alr know the nuances of the Alderaanian government#but he couldnt pull off 'totally normal guy dont mind me'#obi wan doesnt manage to oneshot palpatine btw. that would be too boring#he steals the nearest available lightsaber and Goes For It and obv is stopped due to being shaped like a baby and having the strength of on#and then again refuses to answer any questions
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worst way to start my new year, thanks. i have a lot of things to say about these companies but i'm tired and just keeping it focused to the pin side of things for this one. do not ever buy pins from these companies, literally ALL of them are stolen from small artists like me. if you want to buy enamel pins, check out etsy, and artist's personal websites and shops! (though even Etsy has some bootleg pins that ship straight from china, so tread carefully…)
Every pin I've designed is, thus far, EXCLUSIVE to my etsy. if you find it anywhere else, it's been ripped off! and once these stupid bootlegs pop up, it's basically a never ending game of whack-a-mole trying to get them all taken down...
#psa#art theft#pin theft#aliexpress#shein#wish#temu#deltarune#the bootleg pin is just over an inch tall. do you know how BAD this design looks at that size?? i'd know. i tested it.#they didn't even use the black nickel of the pin for the black parts of the design. and the listing says copper for some reason. what.#some people never even get their designs taken down. its really sad#so i might just have to deal with bootleg queens out there forever :( i hope nobody confuses the ripoffs for the real thing....#my pin is so much nicer! its almost two inches big and it has two posts on the back so it doesn't spin#because spinning pins are the bane of my existence#im out here working my ass off out of my bedroom in my parents place trying to make a living and here come these pricks#i watermarked all my listing photos exactly so they Couldn't steal my fucking pictures so at least there's that#my new years is just full of bad luck so far i hope this isn't a bad omen#if my registration isn't accepted by the aliexpress copyright department I'm SOL and this will just. stay up i guess#i'm sad#bootleggers kys
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Thinking about his brain
#fop nature au#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#dale dimmadome#art#digital art#fanart#doodle#He spends like all of his time irrationally terrified of going back to poverty#this was inspired by a panel change I had to make to the next comic im working on teehee teehee#originally I was going to have a funny gag of him describing how awful he felt#but I decided to change it because like. He would never admit that he felt bad#feeling bad is a sign of weakness. a sign of failure. a sign that he needs to try harder#like its not just Devs problems he's ignoring. he treats his own body pretty awfully too#not to write that entire thing off as a trauma response tho hes still objectively awful for not listening to his sons wishes#and he wouldn't have done the same if his own leg got as severely injured.#Having a leg amputated is scary he would have tried to salvage it#then again that is still arguably his fucked up version of love#I have thoughts ok!!!#he is so traumatized
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I GRADUATE TOMORROW!!!
#iasip#i spent half the day trying to come up with an idea for this#and then the other half of the day pissed off that it looked bad#and then i was like fuck it let me draw it instead#4 years of art school accumulated to this last ditch effort fan art of my blorbos#lets GOOOOO#at the beginning of this year i would have thrown up at the thought of having to show my interests to literally anyone i know irl#and now it’s all i do like constantly#and its gonna be at the same venue as the podcast live shows 😵💫#im kinda doxxing myself#anyways#coming full circle babyyy#my art
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Desiderium
#genshin impact#Arlecchino#Peruere#arlevie#watched Arlecchino's animated short again and that shit STILL had me hurting as fuck as much as the last 3743262764 times ive rewatched it#Arlv's relationship makes me SICK catch me pulling a Peruere and mourning over them for well over a decade#If arle's official birthday art has a lumidouce bell anywhere in sight im flinging myself off a bridge#anyways aside from that rant i was fighting for my life trying to color this and not make it look like complete doodoo#this is what i get for not studying color theory and instead choosing to raw dog every colored piece </3
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text transcription:
Many springs ago, I perceived a sea of flowers upon a lake. I thought to myself that those fleeting colors held indescribable beauty.
The next time I perceived those colors was many years later, when the medic’s tent had blinded me to all but red. The radiance of that shining star was lost on my eyes.
Now, my eyes no longer perceive the subtleties in the colors around me.
But I am content.
For I can now see the most brilliant colors in my universe.
anyways yeah why did they fucking do that to jiaoqiu bro
the planning for this experimentalish comic is under keep reading
#artwork#digital art#hsr fanart#art#hsr#honkai star rail#jiaoqiu#hsr jiaoqiu#moze#hsr moze#feixiao#hsr feixiao#moqiu#feiqiu#moze x jiaoqiu#feixiao x jiaoqiu#it can go either way tbh depending on how you read it but i personally don’t ship feiqiu#this was mostly just jiaoqiu character exploration#hsr 2.5#hsr spoilers#just in case because i actually got fucking spoiled on the plot twist and it made me so mad#experimental comic#being in art school for like 3 weeks really experimentalpilled me#(i just wanted to do something other than lineart lmao)#painted it almost entirely with a singular noise brush because i was going for those memories vibes + jiaoqiu’s blind now#so i was trying to give the impression that he can’t see clearly#for anyone who’s about to like idk get on my ass about depicting blindness wrong#i based all of these visuals off of what i see when i take off my glasses#ill do more research when i wanna get in depth with this concept but for now my -300 degrees eyes are gonna have to be the reference#im imagining jiaoqiu with prescription bottlebottom glasses now
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the place me and my roommate were supposed to move into today was so disgusting and uninhabitable we just took our stuff and left and now we're gonna be staying at airbnbs and hotels until further notice/until we can find a new place hopefully quickly...........im in my homeless drifter era y'all!!!😍😍so if im not as active then thats why LMFAO
1 like = 1 prayer
#bro was literally trying to rent us a silent hill apartment#we already paid first and last too which was 2700k and he said hes not gonna refund us EVEN THO WE DIDNT EVEN MOVE IN!!#like first month i get BUT NOT EVEN THE SECOND MONTH?? all landlords go to hell#looking back at the og listing like.....yeah i can see why he never took pics of the outside......literally looks like a landfill😃#we're SO LUCKY that uhaul allowed us to keep our things stored with them bc if they insisted on our shit still being dropped off#we woulda been so screwed/forced to move in and then would have had to hire ANOTHER uhaul to move back OUT lol#AND I HATE MOVING the idea of unloading all of our stuff just to pack it again literally makes me wanna perish#but even tho i may be a homeless drifter rn that wont stop me from also working on my oneshot between searching for places😍#the oneshot has a smut scene at the beginning LMAO and smut takes me forever to write so id been putting it off#but now that im over that hump (pun intended) i think ill be faster now brrrrrrrrrrr 9k words so far#its probs gonna be like 40k LMFAO maybe longer... idek#but also ill be hella busy trying to find a home so LMFAO who knows...chat im so fucking TIREDDDDD🧎♀️🧎♀️#my moms trying to see if she can fight him and get our money back but it aint lookin good bros#if i randomly open commissions then youll also know why LMAO
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Alex and my farmer Cosmo (he/him)
#my replacement pen came in today ican finally start working on artfight attacks YAYYYYY#ive been clawing at the walls itching to get my ideas out for weeks#i drew alex with wavy hair in the second drawing bc i got his dialogue where he stops using hair gel and i hc he has naturally#wavy hair ^_^ i think it goes well with him softening up as u get to knw him.. now im just trying to work up the courage to give#him a bouquet lol. i keep flip flopping on whether i wanna play this file thru my oc or just fuck it and go self insert#but i like building little ideas in my mind for how my farmer would fit in pelican town and how they run their farm so i think ill keep thi#an oc thing. i have another file on pc since 1.6 isnt released for mobile yet so thatll be my self insert thing where plan on#shooting my shot with harvey. HES CUTE.. I LIKE HIM#cosmo seems pretty deadpan but only bc hes hardly fazed by anything and after working at joja for like 4 years. hes#desperate to touch grass. i think his personality would bounce off well with alex's since he comes off as arrogant to get a reaction#frm others and then u have cosmo whos like 😐👍. i like to think itd drive him up the wall LOL#he gets more of a reaction out of cosmo when he shows him his soft side which encourages him not to front all the time <3#my art#myart#my oc#oc#sdv farmer#sdv oc#stardew valley#sdv#sdv alex#alex mullner#doodles
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Okay. Genuinely seriously here is your reminder that there are people in the south. There are a lot of queer people down here, there is a very large POC population down here, there are disabled people, and poor people, and people who's rights are getting stolen during this election just as much as yours are. We're fucking devastated. We're terrified. Possibly even more than the "good pure blue states" because our governments already hate us too. We didn't vote for Trump, we do not control every other person in our states, and honest to FUCK if I see people posting things like "let's just leave the southern states and save the blue states" or whatever just because of this, I will block you on sight. My sister was so upset she was scared to drive to get me from the airport. My DAD is so upset that he texted me to let me know that he and my mom were still there for me. I'm so upset I haven't even fully processed anything at all. It feels like a fucking fever dream.
We're going to be so much more vulnerable than you, with our governments, the number of people in our communities who would choose to do this to us, the people we all know irl who would see us dead.
#okay sorry im just pissed off. i will probably delete this in a minute.#but genuinely the south isn't your enemy and you are fucking abandoning us.#there is literally only a 2.2% difference between trump and harris in georgia and atlanta hasnt finished coutning yet.#leave us ALONE.#im trying to not doomscroll rn cus im still foggy brained from my trip but just. ugh.#shh ac#election#us politics
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The posts ive seen about "I really hope the bad kids dont hurt the rat grinders :(" is giving the same energy as the hangman to fabian going "we should be nice to her cause if we just keep being nice to her then she'll stop being so mean!!"
#THE WAY I WAS CHEERING AT SEEING HOW INTENSE THE BAD KIDS GOT IN THE FIGHT#LIKE YESSS#LETS FUCKING GO#GET THEIR ASSSSSS#“theyre just kids” BRO SO ARE THE ENTIRE REST OF THE SCHOOL AND THEYRE NOT MURDERING INNOCENTS WHILE TRYING TO SUMMON A CORRUPTED RAGE GOD#TO SUPPOSEDLY RULE THE WORLD???#its actually so easy to Not murder other kids and summon a rage god to rule the world#insanely easy to not do that#“cut his head off so he wont be revived”#“IM GOING TO SKIN YOU”#“loser says what?”#I LOVE THEM#THE ENERGY#OPTIMAL#INCREDIBLE#FABULOUS#i love my bad kids soso much#im going so insane over this episode i need to stop posting about it#dimension 20 fhjy#fhjy spoilers#d20 fhjy#fantasy high#dimension 20#bad kids#the rat grinders
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grabbing people and going look at me. listen to me. its not "omg the Doctor is finally gay now!!" the Doctor has been queer this entire goddamn time. 9 kissed Jack on the lips in 2005. 10, 11, and 12 openly discussed being attracted to men. 11 ALSO kissed men on the lips. 13 was in love with Yasmin Khan, and openly expressed attraction to women. 14 openly expressed being attracted to a man. these are just off the top of my head I may be missing things
the point is that 15 is not the first Doctor to be openly queer and he is not the first Doctor to become romantically involved with someone of the same sex. stop believing the headlines from Disney that this is the first time the Doctor has been queer onscreen. we are NOT letting them take credit they dont deserve
#doctor who#the doctor#if I missed any explicitly queer moments in Classic Who I apologize#I havent seen most of Classic Who#but just from NuWho: THE DOCTOR BEING QUEER AINT NEW#THE DOCTOR HAS BEEN QUEER THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME#STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS NEW STOP GIVING DISNEY CREDIT FOR THIS#NINEJACK DIDNT KISS IN THE HOMOPHOBIC YEAR OF 2005 FOR YALL TO BE DOING THIS!!!#also if I missed an explicitly queer moment from 10 I apologize#I know Shakespeare flirted with him but he didnt flirt back so im not counting that#and if I missed a 12 same sex kiss I apologize#I genuinely cant remember if he did#but my point is: THE DOCTOR HAS BEEN QUEER.#im not trying to take away from 15 here but god its so annoying that people are ignoring the show's queer history#and how Disney is pushing the narrative that This Is The First Queer Doctor#fuck off
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despite being more often than not a "rules as written" fan over "rule of cool", i really do love me a good "rules be damned, i'll give you this awesome moment" call. like matt giving fcg the otohan kill despite what her hp was at or brennan giving cerrit an extra mage slayer reaction attack at the end of calamity. honestly, if anything, i think the fact they mostly play by the book makes these moments even better because it really has that extra weight towards those decisions to put the rules aside.
#critical role#cr spoilers#i can't get over how crazy it was though. genuinely an incredible moment.#like tbh i was too entranced by the Incredible move sam made to cry or anything. i was so hype for how awesome it was.#it was perfect#but yeah usually whenever i see the dm advice of 'dont track a boss's hp just go off the Vibes' i get annoyed by it#but this was such an exception that i am SO glad that matt did it#im just fucking throwing words out there at rhis point i have no idea if any of my words make sense ever but#im trying to express how much i love this and its mostly just absolute nonsense
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RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE (2023) book → screen (x)
#rwrb#rwrbedit#red white and royal blue#alex claremont diaz#henry fox mountchristen windsor#firstprince#usersteen#usernuria#uservik#usermaloune#chrissiewatts#userveronika#mine*#dont look at me this start off as...something#anyway the comparison discourse is Old so im not trying to start it again#HOWEVER its so nice to see how some things adapted and translated to screen#some times for the better#i needed to have taylor say then fucking have me so badly GODDDD
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