#fuck I love pathologic. I love the fandom. I love how easy it is to build upon the source due to how layered it already is.

[fullmooneverynite]

quiet fond of the vampyr bachelor au because of how well it applies itself to his reckless pursuit against death…

yet the direct juxtaposition to his meta-textual want to escape the cycle of theatrical respawn. it’s so great.

[bluberryfields]

"David is very easy to fall in love with." - Michael Sheen

Hi. How are you? Good, I hope. Okay, so can we talk about just how fucking beautiful David Tennant is? And by “we” I mean “I” and by “talk” I mean “babble incoherently into the void”? Great! I’ll attempt to impose a bit of organization on this just to satisfy my pathological need to inflict structure on words (thanks college/job/brain), but I can’t promise much. Also, there will be A LOT of pictures and gifs. (you’re welcome?)

And this isn’t just because I am deep in the bottomless well of Good Omens fandom and that Crowley is basically the most breathtaking creature that has ever existed. Well, not just because of that.

*cue Aziraphale's "good lord" from 1793*

ANYWAY, like a lot of people, I became a fan of (i.e., fell deeply and irrevocably in love with) DT during his run as the 10th Doctor. He was young and bright and full of just about everything – joy, sorrow, wit – making him incredibly watchable. His look was also so charming: big bouncy rooster comb of hair, absurdly cheeky smile, expressive-as-fuck eyes and eyebrows, and a tall, lanky form that seemed to be made of rubber and the kind of granulated sugar that could only be found in candy from the 90s that are now banned in all first- and second-world countries.

So yeah, I was super into him and his Doctor’s adventures. And I continued to watch him in other projects and still swoon (looking at you, slutty Hamlet)

even at characters where that was not the desired reaction (fuck you, Kilgrave, you delicious monster).

I would also always become a bit (a lot) weak in the knees at his voice regardless of which accent he took on, though always preferring him doing any Scottish brogue because of fucking course.

Roll that tongue, you sexy beast.

But what I want to get into today is just how incredible he looks in the year of 2023.

He’s 52 years old and I am somehow even more attracted to him. Maybe it’s because I am myself older, and my tastes have matured alongside? I certainly do enjoy gray hair way more than I did 10 years ago.

He’s aged incredibly well, probably a combination of good genes and good health, and he’s clearly not clinging to the Hollywood idea of “youth”.

(insert obligatory grumble about the double standards of men being praised for aging and women being demonized…the potentially problematic nature of the term “aging well” in general…acknowledge this with my enlightened brain but ignore this with my slutty heart…fuck the patriarchy, etc. etc.)

He’s still tall and skinny, even gangly at times, all long arms and legs that can move in impossible directions with unfathomable grace.

His face is leaner, that incredible bone structure creating sharper edges that draw the eye. Speaking of the face, he’s got these creases on his forehead and at the corners of his eyes and mouth that are evidence of time spent well: smiling, laughing, living. Makes you want to trace your fingertips along each one.

Oh god that smile? Good lord. It’s weapons grade charm that can also be quite intimidating. Sweet, humble, silly, scary…full spectrum of options here! His shark smile is the definition of “irresistible” in my Dictionary of Delicious Dudes.

I am both proud of and grossed out by my own word choice.

Continuing with that face...the hawkish nose, the dimples you want to drown in, the big eyes, those motherfucking eyebrows...

I could seriously write a whole essay about those eyebrows, but I already give my therapist enough to worry about.

Oh those eyes. “Piercing” is a term usually reserved for blue eyes, but I would argue it applies to DT’s bottomless chocolate pools in that they slice through my heart every damn time.

Honorable mention does go to those Crowley snake eyes because they could have been distracting and diminishing to his overall look, but they absolutely are not.

Such a pretty shade of yellow.

Random tangent to swoon about his hands. For whatever reason, I like checking out a man’s hands, and DT’s got a set that drives me wild. I can’t even really explain why, but I just really like the way he articulates with them. Crowley is a perfect example, what with the miracle snaps, caressing globes, and holding whisky glasses. Yum.

Delicious demon digits

Fresh tangent: How does this fucker look good clean shaven, with stubble, and a goddamn beard? How is that allowed?

He's got a face that makes me wanna take up sculpting

Further, how is his fucking neck so hot? Like, seriously, show me the math. I can’t stop staring at it. And when it’s cloaked in a turtleneck? Please, sir, may I have some more?

Fuuuuuuuck

With no segue whatsoever, I am absolutely obsessed with his hair, across all contexts. Big, bold, blood-red Crowley coifs (especially in Season 2)? Check.

Proper gentleman side part? Check.

Side shave with cartoonishy springy 14th Doctor shock? Check.

Lockdown locks with and without headband? Check!

It’s a goddamn buffet of delicious options.

Oh damn speaking of that 14th Doctor look? Good fucking Christ on a buttery Ritz cracker. The whole DT collection is on display: the hair, the eyes, the bone structure, the smile, the clothes, and even the glasses!

To quote Pam on Archer, “I swear to god, you could drown a toddler in my panties right now! I mean, not that you would.”

Now that you (I) mention the clothes, I never cease to marvel at how he can wear pretty much anything and look amazing. Stripes, patterns, wild colors, etc. He just always looks…not exactly comfortable, but sort of at ease like the clothes were created with him in mind. And this goes across the spectrum of Casual to Costume to Promotional (e.g., interviews and premieres).

They are almost illegally cute together

We all know by now how ridiculously tight those Crowley pants are and how it influenced his signature serpentine swagger (thank you, Costume department, you’re the real heroes). That said, he and those slinky hips still looks so incredibly natural in them like they came from his actual closet.

Stupid sexy snek

And he pulls off the look of more ridiculous stuff like full Shakespearean costumes or that sad gray-hoodie-black-shorts-and-Wellington-boots combo from the first season of Staged. He somehow gives off the air of “whatever, they’re just clothes, man” while also looking like a damn model.

Georgia is a very lucky woman

Final thoughts: I know DT dislikes talking about how people think he’s so attractive because I’m sure it feels a bit icky if you just want to live your life and do your job. But my guy also clearly understands that he’s not some ghoul who has succeeded on incredible personality and acting chops alone. So, that said, maybe he'll forgive me for posting such a long, rambling, ode to him?

[biancadoes1]

The only feeling I currently have is annoyance… at this fandom! How easy most are yet again folding because of that girls games! How easy she gaslights an adult (I assume) group of people into backtracking from their own opinions and beliefs. That’s all.

Because the only people I listen to are N/L, listen and actually pay attention. And they are speaking, about love, marriage, friendships and relationships unlike any other. I am thinking about his hands on N’s getting ready pics, ring switching hands, coordinated posts about travel, Times article where L is the only one besides N’s late father mentioned, those are not some vague Easter eggs like songs, word play or SM likes. Couldn’t give less of a fuck about JD (a good friend who has a grid pic on his film account with two fellas there signed “lovely boys”), A (a pathological, multiple times discredited liar looking for easy fame) and the rest of the alphabet.

Liar who just so happened to decide to post months old pictures while the entire internet buzzing with N and her supposed relationship. And still the only truly similar pic is on the balcony that is supposedly his? But the only detail managed were hotel towels? Not a one moment truly suggesting his presence? I mean she used to manage shadows, limbs and clothes but now nothing? Frankly I feel sorry for her, this behavior reeks of desperation, and while I am all about altruism and helping people out, what she needs no-one can provide. I just sincerely hope maturing will teach her better.

.

[eliotquillon]

Would you write any flirtatious chase-cameron banter? Preferably set at a late night in the hospital after everyone's gone home and they're stuck doing labs, looking after a patient and they're a teensy bit delirious so it's weirdly also very honest and vulnerable.

anon i bet you thought i forgot about this req didn't you. NEVER FEAR. this actually took me a while to figure out what to do with (i love writing banter but flirtatious banter is scary especially for a 'new' fandom) (i still consider myself new to this fandom) but here we go. set vaguely during a non-specific part of fwb era--if pressed i'll say between 3x15 and 3x16, but the details are not relevant lol:

House, of course, leaves PPTH at 5pm on the dot with strict orders to keep running lab stains and PCR tests on their latest patient until they get a positive result. “Not like you three have anything better to do,” he calls over his shoulder, while Foreman rolls his eyes and Chase tries to catch Cameron’s eye. She’s not paying attention–too busy adjusting her glasses tiredly while she peers into a microscope, hair ruffled in a way that reminds him of her rolling out of his bed that morning–and Chase tells himself he’s not disappointed. They’re not together. It’s just sex. It shouldn’t matter that they had half-formed plans to get Indian takeout and play a drinking game while watching old episodes of General Hospital together that was almost definitely going to lead to–

“Alright, I’m out,” Foreman declares at midnight. “This isn’t fair, I wore the beeper last night. One of us needs to be awake for the differential tomorrow.” “Nice excuse,” Chase mutters darkly. “You mind bringing us up some coffee from the cafeteria before you go, Judas?”

“That’d be great,” Cameron adds, all faux-earnest charm, and Foreman actually has the grace to look a little bit guilty at that. He leaves the coffees on the lab benches–definitely not best practice, but nor is making three overworked doctors run labs all night–and leaves with the promise to relieve them at 6am if they come up with no further answers. Chase, of course, doesn’t believe him for a second, but this seems to pacify Cameron; she shoots him a suspiciously sunny smile, and wishes him good night.

As soon as Foreman’s out the door, she says, “And then there were two.” “And then there were two,” Chase echoes, eyeing her warily from where he’s waiting for the centrifuge to recalibrate. “Not quite what I meant when I asked if you wanted to hang out tonight.” That’s usually how they put it, in public–do you want to hang out later? Wanna grab some dinner? It’s really more for Chase’s sanity than Cameron’s; she seems unusually blasé about the whole friends-with-benefits situation, which is fine, honestly, but is it so crazy to just want to keep things to themselves for a while? To not want the hospital gossip mill offering their opinion on what is, objectively, a private decision between two consenting adults? And it’s not like Chase knows how to phrase it any other way. Cameron, if she had her own way, would keep being forthright about it: want to have sex later? Cool. Collected. And it isn’t that Chase has an issue with it, exactly. It’s just as she said it would be, after all. No strings attached. Easy peasy. But there’s just something so clinical about it. It feels strange, especially from Cameron, who he always assumed would be the flowers-and-dinner type.

“We could,” Cameron says now, pushing back her chair and spinning to face him. “If you wanted.” “You don’t mean,” Chase starts, fighting his flush at the thought of Cameron and sex and the fucking pathology lab, and Cameron grins from ear to ear.

“Hang out,” she finishes, simple and guileless. “I guess we’re doing it anyway, right? No harm in taking a quick break to chat.”

“That is not what you meant,” Chase accuses. God, she would probably kill him for thinking it, but there really is something beautiful about Cameron in the lab. Even when she’s exhausted and frustrated there’s a part of her that just lights up when given a microscope and a set of slides, like she’s some overeager freshman biology major donning a lab coat for the first time. It’s lit up right now: in the slightly manic gleam in her eye, in her rolled-up sleeves, in her glasses set half-askew on the edge of her nose. “Anyway, we don’t have time to chat. Unless you’re planning on being trapped in here with me all night.”

“And that would be so terrible,” Cameron hums, dangling her legs invitingly. She’d kill him for thinking this, too, but at this precise moment she seems so…normal. Not normal as in ordinary, quotidian, but normal as in not a woman with dead-husband-levels of hang-ups around relationships; normal as in the kind of woman Chase thinks he knows how to flirt with. It’s an illusion, but it’s almost like he could step right between the open vee of her legs and grin down at her teasingly, and almost like she would let him. 

Not that he wants to. Not that she would let him. It’s just sex. Just convenience. Just…microwave pizza.

“So very terrible,” Chase agrees, turning back to the centrifuge so he doesn’t have to keep looking at her and thinking about it. “Good thing we’re not actually locked in together.” “That could probably be arranged,” Cameron says. He can’t see her anymore, but he imagines her smiling again, polishing her glasses on the edge of her coat and her bangs falling into her eyes, the way she looks at him sometimes when they’re walking out to her car together on the way out of work and their fingers accidentally brush together and Chase can pretend that she’s thinking about holding his hand. He thinks that’d be nice, sometime. Just holding Cameron’s hand–not out of any hidden romance, but just for the sake of it. He knows her hands so well, the cracked-dry knuckles and fingertips from scrubbing them multiple times a day and the faintly oily, lavender-scented sheen of her hand cream that always sticks to her palms, and she always holds his face, his shoulders, his hips, but never his hands. “Get someone to call in a bomb threat.” “Call in our own bomb threat,” Chase raises weakly.

“Pretend I’m holding you hostage.” “Hey, why are you holding me hostage?” Chase demands, glancing at her over his shoulder in an accusatory fashion. “I’m the man!”

“I’m a femme fatale,” Cameron smirks, “and you were the one who said we didn’t have time to chat.”

Their pagers go off then; their patient is coding. By the time she’s stable, House is harassing them via speakerphone about test results and his latest epiphany, and it’s like the hours in the lab never really happened. By the time Foreman slinks back in, arguably in a worse mood after two hours’ sleep than he’d be if he’d never slept in the first place, the silly lab banter has entirely slipped from Chase’s mind while Cameron gnaws frustratedly on her bottom lip, and he isn’t thinking about it at all.

Honestly. He isn’t.

[cienie-isengardu]

The abusive Bi-Han headcanon is definitely causing a lot of suffering for Bi-Han fans, especially since it always there in fanon even in the prior timeline and it's now booming thanks to mk1.

I never saw prior timeline Bi-Han as abusive, mainly because Kuai never mentions this and neither does Smoke. The most charitable interpretation of this that I've seen in stories is that Bi-Han is under some terribly misguided impression he is toughening up Kuai and that he is 'protecting him' and keeping him alive. Which is probably the only interpretation that makes even a hint of sense given I don't think a young Bi-Han would be kicking Kuai down the stairs for the lolz.

Even then, that's not exactly the ideal view of their relationship. I always saw Bi-Han as cold, even to his brother, thought this mainly because of Lin Kuei teachings fucking up his ability to express himself in a caring manner and not out of malice. I always imagined there's this small pocket of love Bi-Han had for Kuai in that cold heart of his but he doesn't show it outwardly because 'Love is a weakness,' nonsense the Grandmaster was probably slamming full force on the clan.

That’s the charm of fandom, either our fav characters are popular and widely liked, or hated even for things they haven’t officially done. And with lore so old like Mortal Kombat, the positive and negative personal headcanons and interpretations creep into perception of characters, their canon personalities and reasoning one way or another. That is unavoidable and the less official source material is provided, the more fans fill the gap in their own way. Sometimes that leads to perpetuating some unkind opinions which understandably is upsetting if the character, like Bi-Han, is accused of things not hinted at by the tie-in material in the first place (i.e. abusing Kuai Liang in the childhood).

However I feel like in Bi-Han’s case, the problem lies only halfway in limited details about his and Kuai Liang’s past and brotherhood before elder Sub-Zero was turned into Wraith and twisted by dark magic. For me, the negative perception is connected to his naturally cold, abrasive behavior. I suspect if Bi-Han was a more emotionally driven character, the way Hanzo is, many fans would be more likely to think he was just sadly misled by Lin Kuei pathological doctrines if not outright the tragic hero. Bi-Han however is not that emotional kind of person, he has never been. Forgive me the metaphor, but I feel that the fan treatment of Bi-Han is similar to how people, who have never had a cat, perceive those animals and how frustrated it must be when they expect cats to behave like dogs but won’t get the desired results. It is not that the elder Sub-Zero or cats are evil by nature, they just communicate and behave in a very specific way. If people mistake it for them being mean, uncaring, even for being unable to love only because they expected - demanded - a different set of behavior that would fit their narrowed idea of normalcy, then they are bound to be disappointed one way or another. But that is not fault of fictional characters (and definitely not cats’ either).

That said, I too think Kuai Liang always had a special place in Bi-Han’s life and was no less important than Bi-Han was for him, and that Lin Kuei upbringing complicated expressing those emotions, however I don’t see a point of getting worked over different opinions of strangers. Is it hard sometimes to be a fan of characters like the elder Sub-Zero that feel widely mistreated by fandom over things there is no evidence he did in canon? Sure, but each person is entitled to their own opinion. Fandom is like that sometimes and in my book, usually the best solution is sticking to things that make you happy and if needed, to ignore negative things outside of your control. I know it is not easy, but sometimes it is good to agree to disagree and move on to a comfortable niche of personal headcanons.

It works for me most of time - and if I feel enough spiteful toward fandom at large, I will just create my own Bi-Han positive fanwork to balance things out 😈

[meirimerens]

how do you stay out of drama on tumblr? it seems like everyone drags everyone into things, especially in the pathologic fanbase

don't know what kind of trench warfare you're living in the patho fandom but to me it's like Shockingly calm compared to the other fandoms i've been in. "especially in the pathologic fanbase" i frankly have no idea what you mean. like this might be a warzone to you but apparently i've been unconsciously dodging the draft for 7 years and through 4 different fandoms. i also realize i might have built an immunity to it. i don't know How i do it it just how it is. few reasons(?) i can think of are

been online since 10yo so i seen worse

i'm nonconfrontational and hermite-like in general. i don't associate with many people. i stay out of the spaces i think i'll find people i dislike and i do not seek their company, even if they seek mine. there are planny awff people i'd like to explode with my mind like a trout but like. i keep scrollin. i don't keep them around in my mind to poison it.

fits within ^ but like i'm just some guy. i'm not a very big account. i have few friends and acquaintances. i don't like to mingle. i just write my shit and draw my stuff and do my thang and move on.

not even a fandom-exclusive thing this is an Online thing wholly but like i been online for over 10 years so i've very much internalized the fact that like. I am (and you are) going to read some braindead takes by maladjusted people on the Braindead Takes From Maladjusted People Websites. so i've worked on having the self-restraint, the self-discipline, and in general the common sense of, when seeing a braindead take, to sit down, take a deep breath, tell self "well this is dumb as shit lol" and scroll down. in 5 scrolls i'll see the second braindead take of the day. that's how it is. this is a skill that you HAVE to work on if you're over 20, especially if you're over 25/nearing 30, and ESPECIALLY if the op of the braindead post/tweet that's getting you all fucked up is a kid. it is a Non-action that to not interact. it's so easy. you have to work on that skill or you're gonna look goofy silly.

^ more on that: it's a non-action to not respond to baity anons. it's a non-action to not put yourself in discussions with unhinged people. like just leave it. keep scrollin. don't feed the trolls. you can fully and truly dislike someone and wish to explode them in your mind like a trout and still keep scrollin. it's not a big thing at the end of the day

i'm just some guy and frankly idk how some of you put yourself in dramas but i have no interest in finding out. i've almost exclusively have had people Being On Good Behaviors around me and a) i will return the favor b) if anyone tries anything the floor will give out from under them. peace and love

tldr as a general online thing and not even fandom remember than you're going to see braindead takes on the Braindead Takes websites and learn to keep on scrollin.

this is not an invitation to make me privy to drama or to try to pull me in some. i will pull the rifle from my dodge-draftin home's wall if i have to snipe you out.

[bookwhimses]

People who still leave comments on Cheer Up Buttercup, I love you all and your reviews always seem to come in when I’m having a bad week. I honestly can’t begin to describe how much it means to me that people reread and still love that fic. It makes me feel so proud of it.

I have something around or possibly over twenty-eight DGHDA wips. I haven’t been able to write for a long time, and I went through a period where DGHDA in particular was weirdly triggering to engage in for ptsd reasons (don’t worry, there's no fandom drama or anything, I just had a traumatic event happen irl and my confused brain put the trauma in DGHDA). The fic I want to finish most though is a Farah introspec fic I wrote for a Big Bang partnered with Juniper, who was extremely understanding about me having a mental breakdown* and not finishing it. Every time I try to go back to it I feel paralysed by my own promise that it would be the first fic I published once I felt able to write again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this is dumb. In June I was diagnosed with ADHD. Prior to that, if someone with ADHD told me, “Oh, I have this thing I feel stuck on, pathologically unable to finish; for a long time I was unable to look at it, and now I feel crushed by the weight of my own lack of action and the responsibility and the imagined failure I have projected onto myself, but I told myself I’m not going to do anything easy before I finish this incredibly difficult task,”

I would have said to them, “I’m sorry, but sounds insane. You have ADHD. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand you don’t naturally produce enough dopamine to ram your head repeatedly into a wall of things that sound like the opposite of dopamine. You’ve set up a system wherein you have one very challenging objective, and you cannot engage in any of the behaviours that would make that objective easier for you until you finish that objective. This is not intelligent game design, and frankly it shows a total lack of kindness towards yourself. It is clearly not working. Try something else.”

It is very difficult to accept that what I would say to someone else is also what I deserve to hear and what is true for me. But every other month I still get comments from people from somewhere across the globe who read something I wrote and felt moved by it. And I think it's worth noting – it's vital for me to note to myself – that having the kind of brain I have does come with other skills.

When I wrote Cheer Up Buttercup I didn’t go into it with a grand plan, let alone conceptualise it as anything more moving or deep than “AU where everything is the same but Dirk works at Lush lol”. I wrote that first chapter fully expecting it to border on crackfic. I think to anyone reading it's obvious that it starts off matching the beats of a standard low-stakes shippy fluff fic. I got a lot of reviews that said things to the effect of "I thought this was going to be a dumb bath bomb store AU, then it got serious, what the fuck" and, honestly, that happened to me too as its writer. I followed that vein of joy of was something fluffy and silly and camp until I unexpectedly struck something more introspective that touched on heavier subject material.

And I have to stress, I don't mean that as "it started as cheap and stupid and then became a more worthwhile and meaningful fic", because the thing I love most about Cheer Up Buttercup is how it is both stupid and meaningful. It's fluffy and silly and camp, traits which are not easy or meaningless things to write, and it draws on very personal experiences, which can be exhausting to read. I still treasure reviews which say that the fluff made the serious less confronting and more accessible, that they didn't expect a Ted talk on mental health and cognitive behaviour patterns in the middle of their gay slowburn bath store AU but it had made them want to change the way they lived their life every day.

Since being diagnosed with ADHD I have suddenly had something to blame for traits I have that have been difficult to bear or highly inconvenient my whole life. I have had many days where I've broken down crying and said that I wished I didn't have ADHD and I could just Do Stuff Normally, With Planning And No Time Blindess. But Cheer Up Buttercup wasn't planned. It was entirely organic. I only sketched out the barest of plot outlines, which quickly spiralled into something completely different while I was writing the chapter where Todd decides to turn his life around. And I don't think I could have written it if I didn't have ADHD.

(I've also had multiple reviewers tell me that they love the way I write Dirk, particularly the neurodiverse aspects of his character. I write Dirk's neurodivergent expression partially based on my own feelings and experiences, and I always knew I had autism while writing Dirk, so I tagged "autistic Dirk" often. Being told that my Dirk seemed very ADHD was one of the first things that made me go, huh?? hmmm. uh-oh. nahhhh.)

I realise that I may sound here like I have a hugely inflated sense of self-importance and like I think my bath bomb store AU is a culturally relevant text soon to be studied in high schools across the nation. I promise I have no such illusions, it's one fic for a relatively small fandom, posted when the fandom was already losing traction and when hope of any further content was very slim. But I can't talk about that fic self-deprecatingly, I refuse to talk about it with anything other than affection and sincerity because it means a lot to me for many reasons, and chief among them is how much it means to other people.

I've had so many people leave comments or message me telling me that reading that fic made them want to change their life, or that they've reread it more than once and each time it motivates them to care for themselves. To me it doesn't matter if they're as successful as Todd is, or if the change is permanent, or even particularly long – and I definitely don't take credit for work that, ultimately, they and/or their loved ones do. I also know that I'm far from the only fic writer who's gotten reviews like that. But even then and either way, the value conferred onto that 100k ship fic by even one person telling me it has made them care about themself, even for just a moment, feels so immense to me that I can't picture the scope of it in my mind's eye.

By extension I feel a value has been conferred onto me, and my efforts, and my thoughts and feelings. And my brain, and the way it works. Because all of those things were put whole-heartedly into that fic. Again, I don't mean this in the sense of ego or importance but in the sense that it feels like being given a gift which in itself is the awareness of having a gift. Having it in the sense of being given it by others, having it in the sense of being born with it, having it in the sense that I want to give it to another person. It expands endlessly onto itself, precious and beautiful and startling. And a gift is something to be grateful for.

So, yes, alright, I may have not planned this post out either at all, as I very clearly start off saying that I can't describe how the reviews make me feel, then go on to try to describe how the reviews make me feel. And yes, this post may in fact have just been prompted by someone commenting on Cheer Up Buttercup and reminding me that I've written something worth rereading, and I likely would not have written this post this way if I knew how to Do Stuff Normal With Planning And No Time Blindness. But, thankfully, I have ADHD, so I just spent some uncertain amount of time realising that it's dumb that I'm imposing Do Stuff Normal People Rules on me, when I'm a Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of person. And instead of waiting another two years for my brain to suddenly not have ADHD so I can finish my Farah fic and then, I don't know, become a bank clerk or something, I should just find a fic, any happy little fic, and write that. And trust that wherever it takes me will be more interesting than this.

And I miss the DGHDA universe. It is practically custom tailored for Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of people. I miss finding a way to put a horse in a bathroom in every fic. I'll stop doing it once it stops being funny to me personally.

*As in I literally had a mental breakdown, that’s why I disappeared from the fandom. Not that I was a prominent person in any way I just mean that I used to interact with mutuals and friends a lot on Discord and Tumblr and then I just sort of disappeared.

[maria-scribbles]

cocoa

sick of hearing his parents fight day after day, reggie goes to the one person who knows exactly what he's going through: the pretty violinist who lives next door.

fandom: julie and the phantoms

ship: alive!reggie x reader

word count: 1.5k+

featuring: swearing (as always), fighting, allusion to an abusive relationship, general sadness, mention of a family member’s death

a/n: day 2 of my holiday challenge: hot chocolate! this is kind of depressing and i'm sorry, sad!reggie was stuck in my head and he wouldn't leave until i wrote this but it has kind of a hopeful ending tho so i guess that counts for something? this is also my first time writing for this fandom so forgive me if it sucks. as usual, unbetaed so all mistakes are my b.

come join my holiday challenge!

December 1994

They were fighting again. It was the same old story: his dad being an ass on purpose, his mom taking the bait, wash, rinse, repeat. Their shouts rang harshly throughout the house, gloomy and miserable despite the cheerful decorations strung up in every room and the massive Christmas tree downstairs, dressed in its festive best and looking like it came straight out of a seasonal catalog.

Reggie had gone to them at the beginning of the month, begging them not to fight, please; his everyday life was already ruined by their screaming matches and the only thing he wanted for Christmas was some peace, quiet and civility to celebrate his favorite holiday. His father had pretended not to hear his son's pleas, ignoring him completely like he always did while his mother offered a tight-lipped smile that didn't reach her eyes.

"We'll try, honey." She'd said and he knew it was a lie. His mother always lied, his father always threw a plate at her head, Reggie always wished he had the courage to run away for good, like Luke did. But he wasn't Luke, he never would be, and he just didn't have it in him to leave them, even though he was the one who came out worse for wear after each fight.

The distant shatter of ceramic drifting up the stairs was his cue to go until things cooled down again -he never stuck around after the first dish got thrown, not anymore, the scar on his arm the perfect reminder why- and so he jimmied open the window of his room and climbed down the trellis into the salty air, the crashing waves of the Pacific covering his escape like a blanket.

(He could've stormed down the stairs and slammed the door behind him and his parents still wouldn't have noticed he left but something about sneaking out and risking a broken bone made him feel alive, the same rush he felt when he was on stage, bass humming in his hands, performing alongside his bandmates and knowing they felt it, too.)

Even outside, the echoes of his parents' angry voices still rang in his ears, haunting him all the way to the house next door, its sparkling lights shining brightly and guiding him through the darkening night like a beacon. The driveway sat empty, sans for one lone bicycle haphazardly lying on its side in front of the garage and he carefully propped it up on its kickstand before climbing the stairs to the front porch.

The faint sound of a slow, somber violin came to a stop as he knocked on the door, followed by a quiet, familiar voice Reggie knew like the back of his hand.

"It's open."

He found Y/N alone on the couch, eyes downcast and fingers fiddling with the strings of the violin on her lap and she glanced up at the tap of his boots on the hardwood floor, face brightening the slightest bit at the sight of her friend rounding the corner into the living room. 

The girl didn't speak as she gently placed the instrument aside and stood, meeting him halfway and throwing her arms around his neck to draw him into a crushing hug. His own arms wrapped around her waist and held her just as tightly, his head resting on her shoulder, and the warm vanilla scent of her soft hair tickling his nose helped calm the storm in his heart.

"I'm sorry, Reg." Her voice was low and soothing in his ear and he didn't know how he could possibly hold her any tighter than he already was but he managed as he replied, "I'm sorry, too."

While his parents fought like wildfire, explosive and loud and raging with the wrong type of passion, hers were like a deep freeze, icy and cold and desolate in the worst possible way. Too many times Y/N was left to her own devices, all alone in an empty house with her thoughts and a violin her only company (at least they had given her that, the gift of music and a beautiful, expensive instrument to prove their love was real, albeit superficial).

It was some time later before she pulled back just far enough to look him in the eye and brushed a wayward strand of his dark hair back from his forehead with one calloused finger. "Okay, pity party's over. It's almost Christmas and we're not spending it being sad about shitty parents. Deal?"

She held out her pinky with one eyebrow raised expectantly and grinned when he nodded and hooked his pinky around hers. Reggie loved really liked that about her, the way she could just make all the heartache and pain and disappointment vanish from his mind like magic and replace them with thoughts of her and her sunny smile, her big heart, her touch that made the very blood in his veins spark like lightning. Y/N was his bright spot, his safe haven, and while Luke, Alex, and Bobby knew what he was going through, they just didn't understand like she did (they had their own problems to deal with, anyway, so he couldn't blame them).

"Good, now come on," She wrapped the rest of her fingers around his hand and started tugging him down the hall to the kitchen. "You're helping me make hot chocolate."

"Peppermint?" He asked, smiling when she glanced up at him with an offended look on her face.

"Duh. Only a heathen would make it without peppermint, Reginald."

Another thing he liked about her: she never did anything halfway; half-assing things, taking the easy way out, cutting corners just wasn't her style. It even applied to hot chocolate apparently, as he watched her flutter around the kitchen with practiced ease -heating milk and cream on the stove, measuring sugar and chocolate, slowly adding drops of peppermint oil- and despite her saying he was going to help, the only thing he got to do was crush some candy canes. Not that he minded, though, because while his hands could play bass like no one's business, they were a total disaster when it came to cooking and he knew Y/N was well aware of that fact, considering it took a week for the burnt popcorn smell to fade from her microwave the last time he tried. 

The violinist smiled and proudly handed him the finished drink, whipped cream piled high and candy cane bits almost overflowing from the edge of a red mug. "This is my grandma's recipe," She said, one hand holding a purple mug for herself and the other reaching to grab onto his wrist and pull him out the front door. "She'd always make it when she came to visit for the holidays and we'd sit out on the porch and watch the ocean, each and every year." 

"She was the best," Reggie said as the two sat together on the porch swing, his right side flush against her left. "I still have dreams about her cookies and wake up drooling."

The cool ocean breeze ruffled Y/N's hair and carried her laugh off down the beach. "She loved you, you know that? She was always talking about 'that nice boy next door.' Pretty sure she wanted us to get married."

"I loved her, too." He took a sip of his drink in an attempt to hide the blush that was taking over his entire face. "And we still have time for the whole marriage thing."

"I'm still waiting for my ring." She laughed again before looking down at the mug in her hands, voice becoming quiet as she replied, "I really miss her. She was the only person in my family who actually cared about me 'cause my parents sure as hell don't."

He wanted to tell her she was wrong but he knew it'd be a lie and he never did that, refusing to become a pathological liar like his mother, so instead he just wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tucked her against his side. "Hey, no more talk about shitty parents, remember?"

"Sorry, I know," She took a long sip of her cocoa, then rested her head on his shoulder with a sigh. "I just feel alone sometimes when you're not around. I mean, you have your band and I always had my grandma to talk to but now she's gone and I'm kind of...lost."

"You have the band, too, Y/N! Alex and Luke love you and Bobby, well, he's Bobby. No one really knows what goes on in that guy's head but I know he thinks you're cool. We all do, especially me, and you should know you're never alone 'cause you'll always have us."

The girl abruptly sat up and grabbed the mug from Reggie's hand before he could blink and placed it alongside her own on the floor, then threw her arms around his neck in another one of her fierce hugs.

"Has anyone told you how fucking amazing you are?" 

"You just did." He buried his blushing face in her shoulder as his arms wrapped around her waist once again. "I'm serious, Y/N. You'll always have me."

"And you'll always have me, Reg. No matter what."

And as they sat there on the porch swing, wrapped in each other's arms, Reggie knew as long as he had Y/N in his life, things were gonna be okay.

[nightswithkookmin]

I am a hard Taekook shipper but recently Jikook have been melting my heart by being so cute and cudly and loving. I understand and i am sorry for so mhch hate from Taekookers but trust me Taekookers are a bit shaken right now. I cannot disclose my name here but i would like to say if Jikook is real or they decide to come out which i higly doubt then i am 100% in support and also ur page helped me open my eyes and see a diff sude of shipping which is needed alot more. I am Loving Love ryt now.

C'est la vie!

So sorry for the late response love. You've always been on my mind.

I get not every Taekooker is wild and rabid just as not every Joker is sane and fake woke. Lol.

I mean I'm still holding on to my grudge against your people for storming my business pages and leaving shit reviews on my books- and laughing about it? What was that? Damn. Had to change my author name and everything and I've since been publishing under an alias- let me tell you, it's no fun at all.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have called y'all's ship dead- but honestly it dead, it dried up like a drop of sweat on a dessert. What can I say? People just don't want the truth, lol- had these angry thirteen year olds and fake woke Jokers coming for my ass and my business ass on the flamingo app. Chilee. Your people don't want to be civil. Sigh.

Some people just have no sense of personal responsibility and when they get called out for it they slap you with the whole, 'no one asked you to put yourself and your business out there' - this creepy behavior and mental adroitness is not far from rapists blaming girls for wearing short shorts and mini skirts or thieves blaming people for not putting up a fence and shit to protect their property. It's fucked up.

And don't get me started on what they do to Jimin or JK... or even Tae- not to make you feel bad or anything. It's just my people suck, your people suck, we all suck square- don't apologize for it unless you plan on doing something to change it?

As for Taekook, yea I don't think there is anything wrong with shipping them. They have a beautiful bond, they are both visuals and both funny as hell. If you won't ship them I will. Lol.

Just know the reason you are shipping them? If you are shipping them because you genuinely believe they are a couple too then you need to stop shipping them and start supporting them?

And once you start supporting them then I think you'd sooner realize there isn't anything there to support in the first place. Lol.

I support Jikook because I believe with my full chest they are real and are closeted- emphasis on closeted. And for the record, they are the only queer couples in BTS.

Tae lost his queer card when he accidentally outed Jimin on that radio show. 'I think he likes men' yea, straight up het behavior. Lack of homo sensitivity.

Did you see JK's reaction when JM was asked to spill tea on their pervy behaviors behind cams? My butt quivered. Chilee, I thought he was gone out JK too. Damn.

I think the word real and closeted have come loose and cheap on these streets these days. I don't think most of these shippers when they throw it around fully understand the term or realise what it means and what it takes. If they did, they wouldn't randomly be labeling every ship as 'real' within the fandom.

If you believe Taekook is real and that they are equally hiding their sexuality as well as their relationship within the group, then you should understand how severe and traumatizing this fact is and would be for them as gay men?

The thing is, they are not just hiding parts of themselves and their identity for the sake of their careers or military or whatever if they are real, they are lying to millions, millions of people at a time about who they really are by keeping their identity a secret. Secrets are lies honey, however way we want to see it.

If they are real then they are concealing their true identity away from not just their families and friends- if they haven't come out to them, but acquaintances from work, businesses who wouldn't work with them otherwise, brands, sponsors, Heads of states, their fans....

It's one thing for a heterosexual to keep their heterosexual relationship a secret, it's another for a queer person to keep their queerness and or queer relationship a secret.

A lie as heavy as this is bound to take a toll on them, no matter how good they are at hiding it. A secret gets heavy before it gets easy. Not to sell you on anything but do you see any such secret taking a toll on Taekook? Because I see it taking a toll on Jikook.

Do you believe Taekook are closeted? Because I believe Jikook are.

Being closeted means they have to carry the guilt of knowing that each time they pander to heteronormative roles in variety shows or interviews, or imply by omissions that they are straight, or make generalizing statements about their sexuality to avoid addressing their sexuality directly or give it away, that they are lying to people and spewing half truths- seven years in a roll.

Being closeted is not a joke. It's heavy. I think you need to grasp this before you claim it for anyone.

People like to throw the 'closeted' phrase around willy nilly but fail to comprehend its weight and complexity and consequences especially for people that they believe are actually queer.

It's not easy lying to people about who you are. Unless you are a pathological liar and a psychopath, it's like drowning each day you wake up. You die a little each time. Your sexuality is a huge part of your identity and when you deny it for so long by lying and suppressing it, it's like shutting out a peice of yourself and silencing your own voice. The more you push it aside the louder it screams and the harder it fights to come out.

It's a state of constant internal struggle. You wake up everyday contemplating whether to risk the perfect life you've spent years building just so you can turn off the guilt that comes with keeping a secret of this nature.

And each time you get better at omitting or generalizing and evading questions that hint at your truth, the more you hate yourself and the more guilt you feel. This guilt can become a driving force that pushes you to make risky moves and take impulsive actions such as 'borderline outing your relationship'- does that sound like Taekook to you?

If you are not driven by the love you feel for your partner, you are driven by the guilt and neither is a great place to be if you are queer.

You lie everyday, you get caught up in the lies and soon you start believing in the web of lies you've woven around yourself such that you don't even recognize who you are or why you are, anymore. As such, you are constantly searching for yourself, to reconcile the bits you've hidden away and perhaps forgotten, and you keep exploring your identity because you are unsettled- honey, that sounds more like Jikook than Taekook to me but c'est la vie.

Being closeted is not about moments that get cut by editors, or less interactions, or being seperated or seated further apart from eachother. These are just ship street parlance. Being closeted is an attitudinal, internal attribute rather than external manipulations or influences- it's a science. Lol

Coming out may be risky for any of these boys if they are real, but I promise you hiding is much harder for them.

And so When I look at Taekook, and I see how beautiful they are yet I don't in God's honest truth see them 'dealing' with any or all of these struggles Jikook deal with or have dealt with at one point, in my opinion- forget the homophobia, the wanting to come out, the low key microaggressions they deal with even within the group- 'the Jk never stops crying,' 'the real men don't do this and that talk' talk, the toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia traits JK and Jimin used to exhibit in their early days talking about 'real men don't twerk,' 'real men don't wear rings on their pinky'- all the times Jimin have had to defend his masculinity or even femininity, or stand up for Kook's within the group. 'Men, men, men. What is men?'

Jikook are the only two within the group that in my opinion have struggled most with their identity, with embracing aspects of themselves; you hear them complain about 'living a lie' 'tired of hiding, lying' and all these are themes consistent with closet behavior that they've both explored in one way or the other and even as of 2020 they are still dealing with or 'exploring' their identities perhaps as a means to reconcile their true selves? I'm really struggling with this post because I don't wanna get salesy on your ass. Lol.

Don't get me wrong, Tae struggles and deals with issues too- mostly with loneliness, lowkey depression in my opinion, lowkey bullying- sometimes, lol and he often expresses a desire to find someone and be happy and yet 'his supporters' don't recognize that...

You can wait till Jikook come out officially as queer, if they ever chose to, to support them- Or you can choose to support them and love them now because that's what they need in order to officially come out as and when they choose to? Ok I'm being salesy. Lmho. I'll stop. Don't mind me. But think about it.

Ship whatever ship you want but support Jikook. It's all I'm asking. And by support, I mean don't exhibit any anti homosexual attitude towards them- deadass. You and I gone fight, square up toe to toe, if you do. Lol.

People don't need to be afraid of Jikook. They just need to treat them as human beings and not reduce them to a mere ship. They are a ship too yes, but they are more than that if you ask me.

You sound nice. I love you. I'm glad you enjoy my posts. Merry Christmas and cheers to our ships.

Keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

[eon-become-instant]

About to go on a bit of a rage-fueled rant here because I just saw someone call Eliott manipulative and a pathological liar, and say Lucas deserves a better boyfriend because he doesn’t need to deal with Eliott’s MI and issues (I’m paraphrasing) and.... I’m fucking mad.

First of all, the word “manipulative” does not apply to Eliott. Period. And he’s CERTAINLY not a pathological liar, yes we have seen him lie about a couple of things at this point but each and every time we’ve seen him lie, he’s had a motive for it - in season 4 it was out of shame/embarrassment and this season he lied about urbex because he didn’t want to worry Lucas (and he eventually told Lucas the truth). I’m not condoning lying, but occasionally lying about things like this DOES NOT make someone a pathological liar! 

I can’t even begin to explain why assigning baseless statements like these to someone with an MI is harmful, but what I will say is people like Eliott (and myself) spend a lot of time and energy worrying about the effects we have on those around us, about whether we’re just an enormous burden to anyone who has to “deal” with us or dares to love us. I know Eliott is just a fictional character, but these are thoughts I struggle with almost every day, and seeing comments from ignorant assholes in a fandom that is supposed to be a safe place for people with issues such as mine, telling me that people like Eliott and myself, who are not necessarily easy to love, are not worth the trouble and that people like Lucas deserve better than having to deal with our issues... I can’t put into words how damaging that can be. There have been times when I have felt like I just simply do not want to exist in this world anymore because I am always going to be a burden to anyone who gets close to me, and I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to overcome that, but seeing people say ignorant bullshit like this about a character I see so much of myself in... it fucking hurts.

Eliott is a flawed character it’s true, he’s not perfect, no one on this show is. But his flaws are just human. He makes mistakes, but those mistakes do not mean he’s some manipulative asshole. I’ve seen people express dislike with how he’s being written this season and I have to ask why? Because he’s putting effort into being there for someone who isn’t Lucas? Someone who he identifies with and can help because of the things he’s been through himself? Believe it or not it is okay to prioritize someone other than your partner when they’re having as tough a time as Lola is right now. 

So please, I am begging that people take more care to not make ignorant comments like the one I am referencing in this post. When you say things like this about characters that people identify with so strongly you have the potential to do a lot of damage. Think about your words, and if you start assigning terms such as “manipulative” and “pathological liar” to someone, make sure you actually know the meanings of those terms and have something to base them upon.

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[emeraldembers]

Fic: Sliding Scale (Aglaya/Yulia, NC17)

Title: Sliding Scale

Fandom: Мор. Утопия / Pathologic

Pairing: Aglaya/Yulia

Summary: Yulia fantasises about being coerced by Aglaya.

Warnings: Rape fantasy, some violence in that fantasy

Author’s Notes: Originally written for the prompt "Yulia seems to have some pretty complex feelings about the Inquisition (and a certain Inquisitor) she used to work with. I’d like to see something where the near-unlimited power of the Inquisition holds a kind of fascination for Yulia and she gets off to the idea of being coerced by Aglaya.“ over on the Pathologic kink meme.

Comments loved and encouraged!

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24934717

* * *

Masturbation isn't always easy for Yulia. Her legs cramp easily, her mind often wanders away from the task at hand, and there are few things more frustrating than getting close to the edge of orgasm but not quite reaching it. She understands why her body sometimes rebels against her, understands why her mind drifts, but she hates when the effort of fantasising is wasted by an unsatisfying end.

As such, it's been a long time since Yulia last tried to come, but the arrival of the Inquisitor has given her new material to work with, and she's willing to test it.

She hitches her nightdress up until it's bunched over her chest, and closes her eyes, lightly stroking her breasts. She avoids teasing her nipples for now; she's learned to start slow and finish fast, giving herself plenty of time to get swollen and wet. It hurts to keep her legs bent so she'd rather take the time to arouse herself now, to reduce the time she'll need to spend with her hands between them.

Yulia knows that the more she focuses on a specific image, the more her mind likes to wander, so she lets the details of her fantasy stay vague instead of trying to build something fully coherent out of them.

She imagines Aglaya bringing her into a nondescript office and locking the door; Aglaya, neat and tidy and put together, face still and stern.

"Let's skip the pleasantries. You know why I'm here."

Of course Yulia does. Yulia sees the strings, the Inquisitor pulls them.

Aglaya wouldn't ruin her clothes in reality - that would defeat the purpose of manipulating her, of pretending that Yulia could simply earn her pardon and leave. For the purpose of fantasy, however, it's still exciting to imagine Aglaya taking a pair of scissors to her shirt.

"Let's not pretend this is the first time another woman has seen these."

Aglaya cuts the buttons off, one by one, and then the remainder of the clothes fall, or perhaps disappear; the details of the removal aren't needed for this fantasy, the humiliation is. Yulia pinches her nipples, tugs at them, imagines standing before Aglaya with only her hands to cover herself.

“Kneel.”

It doesn't hurt to kneel in the dream, so Yulia does so without complaint, keeping her eyes fixed on Aglaya as she does.

Aglaya nudges her thighs apart with her foot, taps the tip of it against Yulia's cunt before observing the result on her boot, a wet glisten.

Aglaya sneers.

"Clean it."

Yulia bends to lick it, tasting salt, leather, and soil. It's dirty, and she shivers.

When she looks up Aglaya's clothes are partially open, enough to bare her stomach and the dark trail of hair beneath her navel, a trail Yulia will be expected to follow.

"Well?" Aglaya says, and Yulia pulls Aglaya's pants down along with her underwear, finding her almost dry. "I know what kind of woman you are. You might have a place in this world, but you'll have to prove it."

Yulia squeezes her thighs together, feeling the lips of her cunt sliding against each other, but she keeps her hands focused on her breasts for now. When she starts to spill over, and starts to feel wetness smearing down and into the crack of her ass, that's when she'll pull her knees up and let herself touch her clit. Not yet. Not just yet.

Dream-Yulia kisses the soft skin of Aglaya's thighs, kisses the hood over her clit, brings her hands up to carefully spread Aglaya open so she can lick at her. She won't find any gentleness in Aglaya, but that's no reason to change her own behaviour.

Yulia wonders what Aglaya would taste like. Clean, certainly, but bitter; she can't imagine Aglaya drinking anything but coffee. She'd be bitter, but her clit would still feel sweet when it started to swell up from Yulia's efforts; she imagines sucking on it, teasing the hood back with her tongue, breaking only to wet her own fingers before pushing them up inside Aglaya for her to ride.

A wet trickle runs down Yulia's ass so she brings her knees up and spreads them, hurriedly rubs her palms over her cunt to catch the excess slick and smear it over her thighs. It's messy, but it makes sure her fingers have some grip when she uses them. Glad to have kept her nails short, she hooks two fingers deep into her cunt with ease, then pulls them out to add a third so that she can feel the stretch, a little pain stirring her on while her other hand furiously works over her clit.

She's had enough of servicing dream Aglaya for now, imagines being kicked over and manhandled until she's on her hands and knees with Aglaya roughly finger-fucking her cunt. It's pure fantasy at this point, no logic necessary, and so dream-Yulia takes four fingers - more than she could take in reality without preparation - with Aglaya's thumb pressing cruelly hard on her clit. Aglaya's free hand gropes Yulia's breasts, then slaps her across the face, the ass, the thighs, the sting of those slaps building up until her skin is red and sore and unbearably sensitive.

She needs more. Just a little something more, she's so close.

Aglaya pulls out her fingers just a little, enough to tuck her thumb between them, and presses back in insistently until Yulia is forced open, shaking apart helplessly on Aglaya's fist in fantasy and her own fingers in real life.

She comes hard, chest tight from holding her breath and skin flushed with exertion, and once her legs stop trembling she stretches them out and straightens her nightdress. Her legs ache, but not unbearably; she'll be able to sleep once her heart rate settles and her breathing calms.

She wonders how cruel Aglaya is, and how much of what is said of the Inquisition is true.

She wonders, if Aglaya isn't cruel, could she be persuaded to be.

[firelxdykatara]

Wow I'm so glad you enjoyed Chamelon. When that episode came out the fandom actually raged and collectively hated it. They also hated on Adrien claiming he was being a spineless coward and not seeing the full picture to how exposing Lila right then and there was both pointless and actually more dangerous than to leave her be for now. Adrien truly is a caring and forgiving person that's not a weakness and it annoys me that people don't realize "pulling recipts" is actually very damaging

Oh really? What the fuck, there’s nothing spineless or cowardly about taking the high road tbfh.

Like, it’s called the ‘high road’ for a reason–it’s usually not easy, but it can help keep you from wading through the shit that would otherwise get all over you if you wound up stooping to their level. And absolutely no hate to anyone for their opinions but like, I cannot understand why someone would blame Adrien for his actions, when the alternative was that he just let Marinette make a fool of herself again.

And, for the record, I don’t blame Marinette for wanting to expose Lila, either! Gods know how I’d even handle that sort of situation, I hate people like Lila and would love nothing more than to rub their faces in their own inadequacy given half a chance, but I also know how pathological liars operate. And Lila would’ve been ready with another story or else she would’ve tried to gaslight Marinette about it and since the others probably didn’t really remember, she’d be convincing enough to have them think she’d said it was her right ear the whole time, and the net result would be that everyone else would think she was picking on Lila for no good reason. Again.

I really think Adrien asking Marinette what good it would even do (it’s not like he outright told her not to, but he asked her to think about what she’d be accomplishing if she did) was as much to protect her as it was anything to do with Lila herself. Because he saw first hand just how dirty Lila was willing to play, and when someone does that, there are usually two options–wait for them to hang themselves with their own dirty petards, or wade right into the mud pits with them and risk getting just as dirty as the person you’re trying to take down.

At the end of the day, Lila has the upper hand–for now, at least. And the best way to deal with a compulsive liar is to wait until they dig their own graves–which they almost always do, because like I said, there’s a whole lot more to remember when you lie than when you tell the truth. And eventually she’s gonna have told so many lies that she can’t keep them straight in her own head, and I predict it’ll eventually blow up in her face in a pretty major way–and that, ultimately, would be a lot more satisfying than having Marinette constantly trying to catch her out and looking like she’s just petty and jealous every time Lila is ready with another lie to counter her.

Edit: Oh, and I forgot to mention this, but being caring and forgiving is absolutely an incredible strength. No one is obligated to forgive everyone, of course, and you’re certainly not required to forgive people who’ve hurt you, but the fact that Adrien is so naturally forgiving and willing to give chance after chance--while still refusing to be used or duped, because like I said, this boy is not gullible or stupid, he knows how unlikely it is that Lila will change, but he’s going to give her the option anyway, because if it ever comes down to it and she has an epic fall, he would have done everything he could to help her--is one of his greatest strengths. He wouldn’t be the character I love so much without it.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 0.2

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, as we began this commentary, Team Danganronpa had a terrible way of bringing in their successful auditionees, all of the pregame characters were horrendously slow on the uptake, then they stopped existing, letting me stop complaining about the flimsy portrayal of the outside world until chapter 6 and meet this story’s actual characters that I actually like (and a few that I don’t). We met Kaede and Shuichi, and now they’re about to head out of the classroom and meet everyone else.

So, most of this post will be the character introductions. Even if I don’t have anything specific to comment on about someone’s introduction, I’ll still give a brief summary of how I feel about them and how often I’m likely to mention them throughout this. If it wasn’t clear already from my comments about Kaede and Shuichi last time, I love them both and think they’re both great, interesting protagonists and will have a lot to say about them.

Kaede:  (Even though it’s a hallway, there sure are a lot of plants growing around here…)

This is presumably meant as part of the “story” that they’re secretly on a spaceship, and the plants are there to generate oxygen for them. Which… soooort of explains why there’s fewer plants later on when more people are dead? But of course they’re not really on a spaceship and don’t actually need the plants at all.

Shuichi’s Monopad is in his pocket and Kaede’s is in her backpack, but this begs the question of where the hell the other girls who don’t have backpacks are keeping theirs.

Interesting how the first non-Shuichi person you’re properly introduced to is the mastermind. Given that she’s a terrible person (and that even before the reveal she was not especially interesting), I don’t like Tsumugi that much as a character, but I can appreciate her role as the mastermind and that no-one but the Ultimate Cosplayer would have worked as well in that role. I’ll be pointing out a lot of hints to her true nature and things that she’s probably thinking about given she knows everything as we go along. I won’t be commenting on any of her myriad apparent references to other works of fiction, because like 99% of them are lost on me.

Tsumugi’s thing of ignoring them when they try and talk to her is a character trait they just kind of drop after this scene. I wonder if it’s because she’s still deciding what kind of “character” she wants to play. But also, you’d expect her to be stoked to meet all these other characters that she made, not ignoring them.

Tsumugi:  “My favorite Doraemon episode is #53.”

Number 53. Interesting choice of number, that.

You can investigate the girls’ bathroom, but…

Kaede:  “I doubt there’d be an exit, but just in case…”

…even though this is Kaede’s mindset when she goes in, she doesn’t notice the hidden passageway. You can look around, but it’s not there to find. She is not a detective.

Meanwhile, Shuichi can check the boys’ bathroom, but although he probably checks it way more thoroughly, there’s nothing in there for him to find, of course. Alas. If only Shuichi were less of a gentleman, maybe he’d have discovered the hidden passageway sooner and this all could have ended without anyone dying. (After all, Kyoko never gave a fuck about checking the boys’ bathrooms for hidden rooms.)

Rantaro is a pretty interesting character, but almost all of the stuff that’s interesting about his character is barely relevant in the canon storyline and he’s mostly there to provide interesting plot. Which is to say, I’ll still be talking about him quite a bit for the short time that he’s around.

Here, he’s finally had his memories wiped about everything from the previous killing game… and also his original talent. It’s a little odd that they’d do that – yes, he is the Ultimate Survivor now and the gamemakers don’t want him to be aware of exactly what that entails, but he also still has his original talent (apparently Ultimate Big Brother if we’re to believe Shuichi’s deductions when they hang out in the bonus mode?) and they could have kept his memory of that. Perhaps they erased that memory specifically to make him seem more suspicious, as a kind of handicap. It’s also convenient for the gamemakers that he has a talent which he couldn’t figure out for himself simply by knowing that he must have one, otherwise he could have just told everyone that his best guess was in fact his true talent to avoid coming off as suspicious.

Rantaro:  “We aren’t going anywhere for a while.”

Kaede:  “Stop that. We’ll escape soon.”

Rantaro:  “…You really think it’s gonna be that easy?”

Shuichi:  “Huh? What do you mean…?”

Rantaro:  “Nothin’. Just a feeling.”

Despite having had his memories erased, he seems subconsciously aware of how this is going to play out. It seems that when you only erase memories, they still linger and can subconsciously affect how someone feels, whereas when you overwrite memories with new ones, they’re totally gone.

…As soon as I typed that, I then attempted to enter the locked gym, and:

Shuichi:  “Ah, it’s nothing. I just… feel strange…”

Kaede:  “Strange? How so?”

Shuichi:  “Like… deja vu? I feel like I’ve been here before.”

Shush, okay, most of Shuichi’s pregame memories were completely overwritten. He never gets the slightest hint of déjà vu about having been that creepy fanboy.

Kaede:  “But we’ll probably be fine.”

Shuichi:  “…What makes you say that?”

Kaede:  “Because we have sixteen Ultimate students on our side! As long as we work together as friends, I just know nothing bad will happen!”

Aww, Kaede is being so adorably optimistic when she hasn’t even met most of the others yet.

Oh, hey, here’s Miu, otherwise known as The Worst Character. Almost everything about her is such a disgustingly gratuitous vehicle for fanservice and I hate it. I will be ignoring most everything she ever says, because nearly every time she speaks I just wish she would shut up and stop existing. Beneath the fanserviceyness she does have some vague potential for being an interesting character, though, so I will occasionally be mentioning that when the writing actually makes use of that potential to help drive the story.

(It’s a shame, because she really could have been a decent character – still not likeable at all, but interesting – but they only utilise that potential a very small amount of the time because clearly it’s far more important to the story to use her as an object of fanservice, right???)

Shuichi:  “Stop it… Leave me alone! I can wear a hat if I want to!!!”

This is the one good thing about Miu’s character introduction and it’s not even anything to do with Miu herself. This is far more forceful than Shuichi’s ever been since we met him, so it serves as a neat little hint towards his issues regarding his hat and why he wears it. While it’s obviously not for the perverted reasons Miu is accusing him of, he does wear it to hide his eyes from people (or rather, to hide people’s eyes from him) and he’s not proud of that fact.

Meanwhile, Tenko also has an annoying character “quirk”, but at least the rest of her is a good and likeable person. Other than her degenerate males thing, she’s pretty great, but it’s just hard to unreservedly like her when so much of the time she’s being so unreasonably prejudiced towards half the cast. It’s to such an extreme that it makes it difficult for her to feel like a real person – which is maybe the point, since everyone here is “fictional” and was written from the ground up by being given fake memories, but even so it still just makes me unable to like Tenko as much as I wish I could.

I grew fond of Himiko by the end of the game, especially after her character development, but other than during that arc of hers, she’s not the most interesting or relevant character. I probably won’t be mentioning her especially often aside from then.

Oh, boy, here’s Kokichi. I’m going to come out and say right now that Kokichi is not one of my favourites and I personally feel he’s very overrated by the fandom. But, he’s also not one of my least favourites, since he is interesting. Because of this, I’m probably going to be mentioning him a lot, mostly to make a case for my interpretation of what is actually going on with his character.

The not-so-short version of my interpretation is this: Kokichi is pathologically convinced (for reasons that are never made clear) that humans are creatures who will always betray and backstab each other no matter how much they talk about friendship and trust on the surface. As such, he hates being part of a killing game where backstabbing is the goal and believes that not co-operating with others in a situation like this is the only remotely sensible course of action and anyone who thinks otherwise is a naïve idiot. The majority of his meaningful actions in the early game (that aren’t just him jerking people around and messing with them because that’s literally his talent) are him trying to prove to everyone else, often in a very underhanded and manipulative way, that this philosophy of his is right. In the later parts of the game, his plan to fool Monokuma and win the killing game is entirely him spitefully trying to get back at Monokuma and the mastermind for putting him in this situation that he hated in the first place and is not done with the primary goal of saving everyone else. He is not remotely selfless. He does care more than he lets on about the tragic things that happen, because he’s still fundamentally as horrified by killing as a normal human should be, but he constantly lies to himself about that, dealing with this awful situation in the most cowardly way possible and refusing to change.

And like. That’s interesting! I appreciate that. But the end result is that on the surface he acts like an annoying dick most of the time, and having a better understanding of why he does that once you’ve finished the game doesn’t make him any less of an annoying dick.

Meanwhile, there’s Keebo, who I was honestly expecting to like more than I did when I first experienced the game. He’s fine and likeable enough, but I usually really dig characters who are AIs that really want to be human, and Keebo didn’t quite do it for me. I feel like he could have done if the writers had focused on that part more, but he just spends most of his screentime being on the butt end of the most annoying characters’ annoyingness. Like here with Kokichi. This part of Kokichi’s actions – the part where he constantly bullies Keebo and treats him as less than a person – isn’t him being remotely interesting; he’s just being a dick.

Kokichi:  “…Oh. I’m just the supreme leader of an evil secret organization, that’s all.”

Kaede:  “What?”

Kokichi:  “I gotta say, it’s pretty impressive. My organization has over 10,000 members!”

Totally, Kokichi. It is the supremest, evilest organisation and definitely not just ten overgrown children playing pranks on people. (I was convinced on my first time through that he was lying about his talent and was really the Ultimate Liar. I can’t have been the only one.)

Shuichi:  “There are books all over the place… It doesn’t seem very organized.”

Kaede:  “Oh, does that bother you? Are you a neat freak, Shuichi?”

Shuichi:  “No, it’s just… I was wondering if someone was using it before us.”

I wonder if this is Shuichi already noticing the lack of books on top of the library’s moving bookcase and making a note to check it out later.

Here’s Maki Roll! …Except she won’t be Maki Roll for quite some time. She is messed-up and sympathetic and I love her and will be talking about her a lot.

Kaede:  “Um… Are you an Ultimate student, too?”

Maki:  “Yeah, that’s right. …”

Kaede:  (Huh? Is that it?)

Maki was probably hoping she could just leave it at that and not tell them what her talent is, before Kaede and Shuichi introduce themselves with their talents and she finds herself having to come up with a fake one to not seem suspicious.

(Also Shuichi is still being so unconfident about his talent and Kaede is still trying to get him not to be.)

Maki claims she’s not good at taking care of kids, but, while there are no kids here per se, she is going to turn out to be really good at taking care of other people.

Kaede: “But they say kids are very intuitive. If they like you that much… then they can probably tell how loving you really are, Maki!”

Kaede can tell Maki’s a loving person deep down! Clearly, Kaede is also very intuitive. (As is Kaito, when we get to that point. Which seems appropriate here, since in some ways Kaito is still a big kid.)

Kaede:  “You’ve chosen a perfect career for yourself!”

Maki:  “…It wasn’t my choice to begin with.”

Kaede: “Huh? What do you mean by that?”

Maki:  “…Nothing.”

Maki’s definitely accidentally talking about her real talent here.

Maki:  “Seriously? You think we can escape? Abducting Ultimates from across the country would require massive resources and planning. What makes you think a group capable of that would let us just walk out of here?”

She would say this – she already knows a thing or two about being trapped by a powerful organisation with no hope of escape. Makiiiiii.

Maki:  “Work together? With strangers? You’re a naive fool if you think you can end this so easily.”

And she’s another example of a person who is currently convinced that trusting people and working together in this scenario is a foolish thing to do. But unlike a certain someone else who also believes this, Maki has very clearly-defined and understandable reasons for doing so, isn’t going to be so self-righteous as to try and force her views on others, and will eventually be encouraged to change and start to believe in people, which makes her a much more enjoyable example of a character with trust issues to me.

I also like how she’s the only character who leaves after introducing themselves. She really doesn’t want to engage with anyone, does she.

Along with Maki in the library, in the game room next door we have the other self-loathing murderer, Ryoma! I enjoy how they’re both down here in the basement like they’re hoping not to have to talk to anyone.

Despite being such a weirdly incongruent bunch of traits, from his design to his voice to his talent to his backstory, Ryoma still manages to be a really genuine, interesting person. If he’d been a bigger part of the story he might have ended up among my absolute favourites, but I still like him a lot.

Then there’s the non-self-loathing murderer, Kiyo. He’s a deluded creep and I don’t find him interesting or likeable and won’t be talking about him much except for maybe when the game hints at his true nature. He comes across as openly creepy enough that on my first time through I doubted whether they’d actually make him a murderer because that seems too obvious, but then, no, wow, he literally is just a straight-up serial killer, that sure is the laziest way to justify a character being driven to murder in a killing game.

The design of the wall is really weird. At first I thought it was the skyline of an actual city that they were in the middle of and there were just bars between them and the city.

Monosuke:  “It represents… the end of the world.”

This was another thing that made me consider the simulation angle, but I guess what it’s actually supposed to mean is the end of the fictional world that they’re a part of? Or perhaps the literal end of the world via meteorites that is supposedly past it.

The Monokubs claim it has no exits, but it must have one somewhere; they have to have got in somehow, and there had to have been a planned way out that didn’t involve Keebo blasting a hole in it.

Monokid:  “An Ultimate could probably climb it partway, but most of the time it’s impossible!”

There is somebody nearby who is definitely going to be getting reckless ideas into his head if he hears that. Don’t go encouraging him.

Kaede: “Shuichi… I’m not great at motivating others…”

YES YOU ARE THOUGH. Oh, Kaede.

And speaking of motivation, we’re about to meet…

Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars! Who is my favourite character in all of Danganronpa and up there among my absolute favourite characters in fiction, and he’s a large majority of the reason I wanted to do this commentary. There is so much interesting and fun stuff going on with him all the time and I will be talking about him a lot. Like, a lot. If you’re not willing to hear me talk at length about practically everything Kaito ever says and does, this commentary is not for you.

Kaito:  “What, are you complaining?”

Shuichi:  “Huh?”

Kaito:  “Quit complaining and grumbling, or it’ll turn into a habit.”

Almost immediately, he’s telling Shuichi one of his strongly held convictions, which he has a lot of and all of them are really good and interesting. Kaito is always of the opinion that you shouldn’t wallow in your negative feelings and make yourself feel bad unnecessarily when you could instead be working to try and improve things for yourself, even if it’s just a little bit.

Kaito:  “Sometimes you gotta be a little reckless to make your dreams a reality!”

Yeah, cheating his way into astronaut training early and having it somehow work out for him is a pretty good template for the kind of recklessness we’re going to keep seeing from him.

Kaito:  “Yeah, everyone told me it was impossible, but I never gave up! Not for a moment! That’s because… limits don’t exist unless you set them yourself!”

Also a very Kaito thing for him to say! He didn’t quite say the impossible is possible, but this is absolutely the same kind of principle. He firmly believes that they shouldn’t ever give up on something just because it might seem impossible at first glance.

Kaito:  “There are no walls you can’t get over! The same goes for that one!”

Shuichi:  “So do you have any ideas?”

Kaito:  “… Th-That’s not the problem!”

Kaede:  (Um… no, that *is* the problem. Geez, this guy sure talks a big game.)

Kaito does talk a big game, but it’s not remotely in the sense that he’s just trying to make himself look good without ever planning on backing up his words. Him not actually having any ideas for how to get over that wall doesn’t change the fact that he is determined to do so. He may be kind of bad at knowing how to put his words into action, but the intent behind his words is always, always genuine.

Kaede:  “I don’t plan on staying here long enough to need a room.”

Now who’s making bold statements they have no obvious way of backing up, Kaede? She and Kaito are really very similar, and that’s another thing I’ll be talking about a lot.

Out of the five selfless murderers in this game (there are *five* selfless murderers in this game it is so good), Kirumi is the one I’m least attached to.

Kirumi:  “I hold no opinions or desires of which to speak.”

This might be why, because there’s never any indication that this isn’t a true statement. Unlike the other selfless murderers, there really isn’t anything to Kirumi except her selflessness. The others still have their own desires, things they want for themselves, so that when they push those things aside to become a murderer in an attempt to save everyone, it really feels like a sacrifice. Kirumi… not quite so much. But she still is a selfless murderer, so I do still appreciate her quite a bit. Not sure how much I’ll have to say about her except for when she’s killed someone, though.

Here’s Gonta, the most precious gentleman! He deserves all of the happiness and all of the bug friends and is also one of my favourites. That said, his nature is so straightforward that maybe I won’t have too much to point out about his character here and so I might not be talking about him to an extent that properly reflects how much I love him, but I’ll certainly try.

I know Gonta didn’t speak in “caveman speak” in the original Japanese, but honestly it’s really not a big deal that they changed it for the localisation, because it does make sense. He was literally raised by wolves (well, not actually wolves as you learn if you do his FTEs) for ten years! Between the ages of probably like five and fifteen or something. Of course his skills in his human language would have deteriorated after not using it for so long. It’d be difficult for him to relearn the grammar rules after rejoining human society because it’s much harder to pick up language stuff subconsciously when you’re older, and no-one’s going to be giving a teenager lessons in basic grammar.

Gonta:  “This place strange, huh? Lots of plants, but no bugs.”

You know, how did Team Danganronpa rid the entire dome of insects except for the ones in Gonta’s lab? Did they just, like, spray pesticide everywhere and then vacuum up all the dead ones?

(Don’t tell Gonta that might have happened. He’d throw a fit.)

It’s such a shame that both of our protagonists are squicked out by bugs and so we never get to see Gonta having a happy friendly conversation about his favourite thing with someone.

Angie is pretty blah to me. Her slight creepiness and tendency to run away from any responsibility or meaningful emotions whatsoever by hiding behind Atua makes her just… not very interesting, or even that likeable despite her generally cheerful personality, in my opinion.

Aaand that’s everyone. Time to head to the gym.

Kaito:  “Hmm, it’s pretty spectacular seeing all 16 of us Ultimates gathered together.”

Haha, look who else other than Kaede is excited to have a bunch of Ultimates in the same place.

Kaito:  “Don’t worry about it! Just leave it to me! If those teddy bears show themselves again, I’ll kick all their asses!”

Here’s Kaito doing something he’s going to be doing a lot of – declaring that he’ll do something about the situation they’re in. Which he’s usually pretty bad at actually following through with. But even so, the important point is that he’s trying to reassure and encourage everyone, and he truly wants to take action and solve things even if he’s hardly ever actually able to.

Note that when all the Exisals show up, Kaito is staring in shock at the red one specifically. Every time Kaito has some kind of interaction with an Exisal – which happens a few times – it is always that one. I like that detail. It’s going to become his Exisal, after all.

Gonta:  “Everyone, behind Gonta!”

Gonta is already trying to protect everyone! He’s such a good.

Maki:  “Hm, didn’t someone say they would ‘kick all their asses’?”

Kaito:  “Wh-What the hell? Nobody told me about these!”

I love that Maki is already making jabs at Kaito’s reckless idiocy, hee. And to be fair, if he’d known about the Exisals he probably wouldn’t have made such a bold statement.

Rantaro:  “Alright, chill out, no need to panic… We’re probably not in any danger. If they wanted to kill us, they’d have done it by now.”

(With that, Rantaro casually walked up to the Exisals.)

Rantaro:  “So… what do you want from us?”

More hints that Rantaro is subconsciously used to this kind of crazy stuff, with how calm he’s being compared to everyone else.

Monokuma:  “Even when the prologue is going way too long, I’ll allow it because you guys are cute. In fact, the very first prologue ever was only short cuz you cutie-patooties weren’t there.”

That sure is fourth-wall-breaking of him, except not actually.

Monokuma:  “Usually, ratings will plummet when mascots appear in sequels too much… But in this case, ratings are through the roof! All thanks to the cute Monokubs!”

Are you sure, though, Monokuma. I find that difficult to believe, but then again, the in-universe audience has some pretty weird opinions on a lot of things in this story apparently.

Keebo:  “It appears to be some sort of autonomous robot with a built in A.I., like me…”

This is a relevant point he brings up – Keebo’s existence proves that AI and robotics technology in this universe is advanced enough for a Monokuma to be completely autonomous. People should bring this up more than they do when discussing the possibility of a mastermind. Even if a mastermind might exist, there shouldn’t need to be one for the game to run. Monokuma is entirely capable of running the game himself. If the mastermind was murdered, the game wouldn’t necessarily have to end.

Ryoma:  “I want to ask something. How are we supposed to kill each other? Are you going to give us weapons?”

Kaito:  “What the hell, man!? What are you asking?”

Kaito would probably have reacted like that if anyone had asked that question, but I imagine it bothers him even more that it was Ryoma, hah. And I like that Ryoma’s being pragmatic enough to ask that, since he’s already more desensitised to the idea of killing than most people here.

Maki:  “Sophisticated experience?”

…Most people except Maki, who is trained in very sophisticated killing methods and yet is still disgusted by the idea of doing so as a game.

Monokuma’s long list of possible methods they could use to kill each other happens to include every single way in which someone is killed or almost killed in this game.

Kokichi:  “It doesn’t seem like it’ll be boring, though.”

Welp, Kokichi has already started lying to himself that he’s going to have fun with this. Didn’t take him long.

Kaede: (A lie… More like fiction… Like a story on TV… A scenario so removed from reality, we can hardly believe it’s happening.)

…Yeah.

Monokuma:  “Cuz the killing game is the only reason you’re here.”

It sure is. The only reason they exist, even.

Monokuma:  “It’s fun to watch the defiant ones eventually snap, and get their hands dirty…”

…he says, to Kaede. Oh.

Kaede:  (A sadistic story, no different from reality itself… And against my will, I was now a character in that story.)

Pretty much, Kaede, yeah.

The actual opening movie uses imagery of purple eyes on everyone’s shadow behind them, except for Rantaro, where the purple eyes are his own. Given that purple eyes apparently symbolise lying based on imagery in the trials, this is probably meant to symbolise the fact that everyone’s identities are “lies” – but Rantaro shouldn’t really be any different from the others, then, since he also has fake memories, just ones that were created for season 52. But obviously if they instead had Tsumugi be the odd one out in the opening, that’d be preeetttty suspicious.

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[Next post]

[divagonzo]

Diva you should be real proud that you are helping someone who is struggling and can connect to your Hermione. As much as I love the Hermione critical stuff, I think we sometimes forget real woman have a real connection to Hermione and that's not a bad thing and we can't just automatically put them all in the same box if they say Hermione is their favorite. When I read that anons message it moved me to tears and it has opened my eyes how much even fanfiction can help people cope

Evenin’ Nonnie.

Sorry this is a touch tardy but Firefox decided to explode on me virtually so I’ve been dealing with computer issues the last hour (and growing increasingly upset over it)…..

I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t the first email/IM that I’ve received when it comes to my writing. Each one is cherished, precious, and highly appreciated.

More under the cut because it got very long very fast and also tidied up a few times so I’m not vague posting which I think is passive aggressive and rude.

I admit that I took an hour today to just let that anon’s note sink in. I’d been having a small pity party of 1 over stuff (it’s not important) but having that reminded me of why I write - while it’s for myself, it’s also for those who are in need, like I did growing up, and not having parents there who could provide answers or healthy role models in what I wanted out of life. It was also learning about found family, even if it’s in print or digital sheets are your refuge in times of trouble and receiving comfort knowing that when things get serious and dark, there is hope still, if you choose what is right over what is easy. Sometimes that choice is continuing to live, even out of spite of others.

Sometimes it’s accepting consequences for speaking out on something important but also unpopular.

I dunno if I’d call it pride or being proud of my work. I know that I’m far from popular because I don’t write candy floss unless prompted but dig into the harder topics, the angst and the hard-hitting issues that are important to those who might not have a voice or can speak up and out on how hard things are. And while this is an unpopular opinion in that Hermione meta needed to be hashed out in the open, under all of the lights for everyone to see, including that teenagers are arseholes like I was and am and have to learn too, like I did. Also needed were others speaking up and out on why Hermione was important to them (thanks @lytefoot and @burgundydahlia) the ways that Hermione is viewed like you would a dear friend, calling out their mess when they mess up (like we do from time to time) and also admit that some behaviors are enabling and being women, we should hold our friends accountable but also be accountable to them - but also loving them even if they’ve made mistakes, sometimes very painful ones.

I do think that it’s been necessary to see behaviors that are unacceptable and learn from them, much like the fandom, in general, has learned about Creepy on Main issues of age gaps, grooming tactics, and power imbalances; how bickering isn’t cruel and disagreeing isn’t bullying; how cruelty is masqued as jealousy and that games don’t work on people with anxiety who can easily talk themselves into thinking that no one likes them and they are not worth the time, effort, or investment to keep friendships. All of those lessons are in the pages in the series, including some examples of Demotivation topics including “Sometimes you are the object lesson of what not to do”

But I also know that my voice can be one to reach out, that crap happens - and sometimes the crap that does happen can only be endured until safety happens and that once a woman is safe and away from harm, only then can they start the process in healing, in whatever ways they choose (healthy and not-healthy.) My goal is stories where shit happens, horrible things happen and trauma is a result but damn it, even when things are dark and horrible, there is hope that the pain will go away, that others will be there to give a hand up or a shoulder to lean on, or some cranky arsed six-eyed four-eared Dragon will offer wisdom when answers aren’t what you want but what you need. While there might not be a happy ending, there is a hopeful one. Happy endings, while needed, sometimes fall flat for those who need hope more than happiness, since happiness is fleeting as emotion and dependent on outside influences rather than a personal choice to be happy and content.

As I’ve mentioned to @ronandhappiness today, while what I write is angst and hurt and problematic, it’s also honest and maybe ways that others’ wisdom can be passed forward, to help those who have no help. It’s being the Dragon that I needed and didn’t have at that age for others who do need it - even if it’s at 25 and not 15. It’s also sharing the wisdom that the enabling of poor behavior isn’t healthy but co-dependent and being honourable women means occasionally calling each other out when we fuck up, when we fail, and fail others.

Sometimes it’s receiving help from someone you held in disdain because you’re vulnerable and they choose to help. Sometimes it’s not seeing eye to eye with someone and yet still appreciating them because they helped when no one else did.

As I’ve told my kiddos plenty of times, I fail and will fail pretty often - but I’ll be arsed if I give up trying. And that is how I personally see Hermione - which is the tiny bit of me that I identify in her written character: that while she has an almost pathological need to be right all the time (cough me as a kid cough) it mellows out to realize that others can be right, too. But regardless she just never quits. The fire of righteous justice is never quenched. The sharp edges never dull unless it’s by personal choice.

I dunno about you, nonnie, but having an emotionally gratifying relationship with other women, especially when they muck things up, even if they are characters on a printed page, is rewarding in ways that I hope to pay forward in my stories for others - so they can, in turn, help others later on.

[velatavelenosa]

You know I block JxB blogs, sometimes I read some of their posts if I can’t say immediately what they ship, and I found this gem.

It’s only a little piece, but the level of delusion is pathological.

“...Brienne and Jaime are written as soulmates in the books. Everything about their arcs is made to fit together like two sides of a zipper. George’s big joke is that it’s Cersei and Jaime who talk and look like soulmates, when it’s actually Brienne and Jaime who in every conceivable way complement one another...”

What did they read? How did they read THIS? How, I mean it is insane! I don’t have many experience with fandoms, but wow. They are a piece of art. United. They really believe D&D were too dumb (it’s easy I know) and they messed up the star crossed love pairing. Wow.

They believe Jaime isn’t dead, he wasn’t really in love with Cersei! And after washing the blood of him (because Cersei is of course dead! He was the hurt one, but he’ll survive) he’ll try to rescue Tyrion and he’ll go back to Brienne...

By the way how fucking dare they to say, there must be a Lannister survivor and it can’t be Tyrion? Tyrion is as much Lannister than his siblings and he is way more family oriented than Jaime. Tyrion tried to rescue all of his family, even his abuser. Cersei and Jaime used their cousins in the worst way.

This fandom is fascinating! Their posts have thousands of reblogs/likes. They are legions. It’s almost scary