#frustrates me to hell and back
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soulmate aus definitely have their issues etc etc. but god it's so fucking cathartic to imagine a universe where, despite the difficulties and the distances and the confusion. someone can still be loved. whatever.
#chirping#it's late and i'm tired. vulnerable posting time.#the whole growing up autistic and hated is getting to me#and that's the other thing. ''people didn't Hate you- you're just self conscious :)'' shut up!!!!!!#people did fucking hate me!!!!!#in every single fucking action and Look and complaint. i didn't really get it at the time but i see it now#the people who say that shit just. didn't get bullied growing up#frustrates me to hell and back#ugh. whatever. i like to imagine a universe where i deserve love.
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stupid fucking bastard. i am not coping with the leaks
#dead leaf for leafpool and gull feathers for feathertail#like yeah it's funny that cherith does whatever the hell she wants as soon as she's in the driver's seat#but it's also baffling and frustrating that she wanted this in the first place#crowfeather or at least the version of him in my head is a fun and interesting character because he's shitty#in the newer books there's been a weird attitude toward him where the other characters think he's irritable but also noble and attractive#also tawnypelt is such a nothing character it's upsetting that all she's ever been is an accessory to the men around her#her father her brother her mate her son her grandson(s)#and her pov is no longer merely boring but actually insufferable thanks to her poorly handled “kids these days” plots#if it were up to me#the new prophecy would focus more on tawnypelt feeling out of place in shadowclan and struggling to prove her loyalty#contrasting brambleclaw who is generally accepted in thunderclan but victimizes himself due to his insecurity#i would also explore how tawnypelt and rowanclaw get together since he hates her in one scene and then they're lovey dovey in the next#although this does seem to be the basis of many warriors relationships#i'm not sure how i feel about tawnypelt getting a second mate as an elder but i don't want to begrudge old people finding love again#so i'm fine with it as long as it's not crowfeather#as for crowfeather#he would fall hard and fast for feathertail because she's pretty and shows him kindness but i want it to be one-sided#then he would fall hard and fast for leafpool for the same reasons#she runs away with him not because she loves him but because clan society is suffocating and she needs an escape#so when they get back to the clans she moves on pretty quickly but he lives a long and miserable life pining after her#his clanmates quietly avoid him because they don't like him that much because why would they and so he never becomes deputy#i can see him trying to reconnect with breezepelt and nightcloud as an elder#not necessarily because he realizes how shitty he is but because he wants a relationship with his granddaughters but it's strained#and then he dies! i'm tired of writing and being frustrated by these stupid books so i'm ending it here#changing skies spoilers#crowfeather#warrior cats#eel art#eel text
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“I told you, a very long time ago, that I would destroy this place, everything you hold dear, and I’m going to follow through on that promise,” Hels breathed in, “Because a knight never says something he doesn’t believe to be true."
Hey. You. Yeah you. Come here. Closer. Closer. Go read Like A House On Fire by @hiding-under-the-willow
#spazzcat doodles#helsknight#welsknight#fanfic propaganda#hiding-under-the-willow#If this looks weird as hell its because my brother in law is a saint and gave me his old screen tablet#never used one of these things before#its weird as hell to work with#i keep flipping between my laptop [shortcut keys] and the tablet to do things#was really tempted to switch back to my old bamboo tablet just for the quickness and familiarity#endless frustration at learning new tech aside: i love this fic go read it#go see what the drama is about#my art doesn't do it justice but give me a couple months to adjust and we'll... revisit this maybe
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Okay but I need to know what the people who have only watched c3 think about Beau and Caleb because I've been rotating them in my head for three years too long to be objective anymore but like. Getting to see them through the eyes of a new party just reminded me that even though so much of our delight in C2 was focused around the constant indignity of the Nein, they are objectively a flickering metronome between "how the fuck are these people alive" and "this is the most hyper competent group of mercenaries I've ever seen" and I just. Do they know. Do they know that Beau is so fucking cool. Are there people who learned these two npcs have a whole campaign and want to learn more about them. I look at these two and see a montage of tiefling dicks and red eyes and promising to kill the other if something goes wrong. I see Caleb smearing mud and bat shit on Beau's face and Beau just resigned even as she makes the most aggrieved and annoyed sounds, Beau hauling Caleb's dissociated ass over her own skinny shoulder and walking him to safety. I look at them and see 500 hours and more of the empire siblings. The weeks and months they spent going from hating the parts of themselves they saw in each other to loving in the other what they still struggled with in themselves. I see chosen siblings, best friends. What do other people see?
#Do they know how much went into Beauregard Lionett asking 'you got my back?' knowing he did#How earned 'what's the play Beauregard' is#beauregard lionett#caleb widogast#CR spoilers#Critical role#CR c3#Bells hells#Edited to add: don't use this as an excuse to bitch about C2 please#I've already removed and blocked one person#I get some frustration on the attention c1 characters have gotten but don't get mad at c2 fans for it#We've been starved and we're just excited#And this is just wondering your impressions of Beau and Caleb#'Beau is a dick' yeah you're right! She is and I love her so much I wrote 800#Sorry eight hundred thousand words about her#Several thousand of them also about Caleb#So don't be a dick please#Whatever your thoughts these characters brought people out of some dark dark places#It's me I'm people
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season 15 is BAD bad. not even fun bad or so bad it's good. it's just fucking bad. and do not tell me it was because of covid
#spn#oh look jack's soul is back. no explanation for how that happens or why.#we can get into the empty (or hell) at any time. but we won't.#the empty is on death's side but pretty soon the empty is going to kill death so#death is making plans that certainly are not influenced by god in the slightest. oh definitely not. no way no how#oh and alt sam and dean are just. hanging around#fuck me. i'm so frustrated with this#like i can appreciate bad but this is not the fun kind of bad#this is like 'the writers should feel embarrassed' bad#don't tell me it was the network either. i don't want to hear that right now
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Amateur Hour but I gotta outsource this. Aromantics. Heed my call. What is "romantic" love to a non-believer?
Bonus Round if you're not entirely ace -- does experiencing any amount of sexual attraction influence your answer? Also acknowledging that both aro/ace identities exist on a spectrum. Believe me. I am deeply familiar... with so many kinds of spectrums........... 🧍
Also if this breaches containment It's Not That Serious........... just a personal question. For a friend. Me 🙂↕️
#was so tempted to put 'sometimes 'love' is just autistic obsession' as an answer bc on god#i do think that's a factor for me. like. espppppp in moe's case. moe is just Obsessed w alfonse.#extremely weird about him constantly studying him. like. it does feel like love... the intensity of it..... but.#both me and moe. most romance repulsed motherfuckers out there.#like. like. not to get too personal but the one relationship i did have. i genuinely felt i loved him#but i also think. so much of it was me reflecting what i Think love was 'supposed' to look like.#most importantly he was my best friend (at the time). and i def did feel differently about him than i did anyone else/even other friends#which is why i'm so conflicted... like half i did genuinely love him half i've never been able to love correctly#and it's always taken some level of putting on a performance according to what i see to 'perform' love#like. like. am i just autistic. does it just come down to the autism again.#but also esp nowadays like. back on my bullshit. i actually ALWAYS hesitate to call whatever moe has w alfonse 'romantic'#like. i think he does feel/experience romantic feelings. but moe is just so dysfunctional and messy#that like. i don't think it would call anything it feels about alfonse romance.#but it still completely adores him. in a way that's distinct from how it loves sharena and how it feels about anyone else.#even charas it admires. somehow. which honestly jusy leads me back to The Obsession again#also extremely focal is how the demisexuality kicks in. like. it's definitely not devoid of sexuality.#IDK IDK I'M TALKING TOO MUCH I'VE TALKED TOO MUCH AND I'M SO TIRED. I'VE BEEN SO TIRED#i'm not in my feelings honestly i'm just frustrated LMFAOOO LIKE. SCREAMING. WHY DOESN'T IT MAKE SENSE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#why am i preordained by fate to never be loved OR understood. wjat the hell man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Out here trying to just write a fun and slightly awkward first time but these goddamn men are suddenly out here giving themselves Revelations and Dramatic Moments and the best worst sex of both of their lives and I just
That is not what this is for
That is not what I wanted
But it’s good shit and I have nowhere else to put it and if I stop and go back what the hell else do I do instead?
#kabumisu#mithrun having whole ass revelations and his first desire in 40 years#(it’s for kabru to shut the fuck up and fuck him properly but no one gets in his own way worse than mithrun he doesn’t care what it is#he just wants to keep feeling the desire. satisfy it? noooooooo can’t do that gotta see if we can frustrate it and make it worse)#ugggggh i just wanted you to fuck nasty lads why is this a treatise now#they’ve been fucking for 9k and if you think they’ve gotten ANYWHERE nope#mithrun’s only just remembered ‘oh right the thing you do once you have a desire is satisfy it’#(also mithrun’s gonna chase kabru around to keep fucking his brains out in case the desire comes back but joke’s on him it’s not that easy)#they’re awkward they’re dreadful but if they do a good job he doesn’t want it to be better#also sudden and abrupt angst of mithrun realising he’s been saying ‘i’m fine’ for years and thinking he was satisfied with whatever#but nope my friend if you have no desires you cannot be satisfied you just didn’t remember what satisfaction was either#kabru x mithrun#it is. fighting me. but getting there.#and if it’s not fucking half way at LEAST at this point we riot#i’m not putting up with another 15k of this hell with the lads i am impatient
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aaaaa i'm really excited about these pride chibis, i hope everyone likes them :3c i'm always worried about how long my queue is, and if it takes me longer than june to finish these, but i really wanted to do them. hopefully people don't mind if they end up going into july to complete, but i also might just be over-worrying as usual and i'll get them done on time xD
#sorry sorry sorry my anxiety/depression has been really bad lately :C#really unpredictable too#i might have one day where i get a ton of shit done#and i'm like hell yeah we're back baby#and then 2 minutes later i'm crying and spiraling into the void#so i hope everyone can bear with me while i'm stilllll trying to get my brain right#anyway it all makes it hard to draw consistently#very frustrating >:C
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nothing like having seven years experience in doing that exact job and not even scoring an interview b/c im not "a top candidate" like. ok fuck i guess you were not looking for experience then
#its only been a day and a half. i am being impatient. but really honestly if i am not even offered an interview i am going to --#--be really REALLY puzzled. like??? how many applicants were there?????#????why was i not chosen for an interview??? i know my cover letter was sexy as hell. its GOOD. like. hello??????? iv been doing (redacted)#for almost a decade????????? hello??????#job application number uhhhhhmmmmmmm.probably over 100 now lol#pomodoriwhines#christ. ugh.#is it weird to hear back. not even to schedule an interview. just to ask if i am still available for the position? and then its been 48 hrs#and they havent contacted me to schedule an interview???#is that weird????? is that me being too impatient?? wtf?#i dont know but its confusing and frustrating and feels gross.#i hate this. i need the money. liiiike. aughhh
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Hey, so I find it hard to believe that I have to say this, but it's become a massive problem for me recently and continues to repeat. If I have blocked you in the past and you have hurt me (which you have come to now realize), do not reach out to me, dude. Do not reach out even just to apologize. I don't want to hear from you, and it's extremely upsetting to be continuously receiving asks from people I've specifically cut out from my life because they know I run this blog. It's shitty, it's sometimes triggering, and it's invasive of my boundaries, so stop. Leave me be, and go on your merry way. I've had to restrict who can message me, and STILL people choose to reach out to me through my asks now! I've had to turn them off temporarily because the problem is getting so ridiculous. It's nice that you want to apologize, but some of you have deeply traumatized me in ways I am still reconciling. Please, just leave me be. Stop reaching out on your other/new accounts; you will be immediately blocked the second I find out it's you.
If I've blocked you, Do. Not. Reach. Out. To. Me. If I wanted to talk to you, I would. Move on with your life, please, and respect my boundaries if you truly care.
#blog post#personal#I'm very frustrated with this issue#had someone recently do this in a really triggering manner#i think i may have to take a tumblr break#my life is already so crazy and busy right now; the last thing i need is all these people swarming back into my life#it's great that y'all want to apologize for doing something wrong#that's very nice#but it's triggering as hell for me most of the time#some of you who are trying to reach out#have deeply hurt and traumatized me#you do not have the right fo hurt me so deeply#and just invade my boundaries by reaching out through this blog#because you know that I run it#stop. it's fucking exhausting. i am done with you people.
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ARCTIC MONKEYS 25/06/23
okay now that i've had some time to (slightly) emotionally and physically recover from yesterday, i need to flail about the highlights:
1) meeting one of my absolute favourite humans who i would never have got to know if it hadn't been for this little corner of tumblr - and then getting to share the excitement/nerves/elation/exhaustion rollercoaster of seeing am with them was just - there aren't even words for it. so special 💖
2) learning how to navigate rain ponchos
3) impulse buying too much merch (but also not regretting it. the glasgow tour poster is going to be the first thing going on my wall in my new flat)
4) the mirrorball starting to twirl just before they all came onstage and sending the colours of the afternoon sun everywhere
5) the sheer rush of the moment they all walked onstage together (also that was pretty much the only time i got to glimpse nick and matt at all 💔 from where i was standing i could mostly only see alex and jamie)
6) seeing alex a few metres away in real life after months of looking at his beautiful, dorky little expressions in photos/videos was surreal in the best possible way- there's just something so different about the way you get a sense of someone's energy when you're in the same space with them?? and as someone who's endlessly interested in people, i'm fascinated by how alex simultaneously gives off really reserved, self-contained vibes at the same time as being such a dynamic and captivating performer - like he’s so good at tapping into emotions without letting them be a door into how he’s actually feeling (if that makes any sense, my post-gig brain is not very articulate) i guess that all very much makes sense with all the stuff he's said about personas/performing, but it was still so interesting to get to really feel that sense of his presence in live time. he's definitely very much in control but in a very understated kind of way
7) a bunch of birds circling overhead on one side of the crowd, alex seeing them and dramatically declaring 'release the rest of the birds'
8) me and the lovely human i went with turning to each other with expressions of sheer joy when the opening bars of crying lightning were played (and don't sit down. and four stars. and arabella. and - you get the picture. getting to share the sheer delight of your favourite songs being played is just the loveliest feeling 💗)
9) alex doing a quirky little 'ha ha' laugh in the middle of body paint
10) mirrorball coinciding with the most beautiful pink dusk and half moon just above the stage, and getting to witness alex’s piano playing at the start of it
11) body paint. just. body paint. i think my soul left my body.
12) how much energy and enthusiasm alex seemed to have throughout the set - especially after the last week or so it was just the loveliest thing to see him messing about and having fun. and his voice sounded SO good. how anyone manages to sing like that (let alone sound like that less than a week after cancelling shows due to laryngitis) is an absolute mystery to me
13) alex's theatrical hand gestures for crying lightning (the one for gobstopper was a particular favourite)
14) hearing 505 when dusk has just fallen and you can see the smudged moon behind the deep indigo clouds is the only way anyone should ever hear 505
15) alex and matt having a giggle about something mid set
16) obviously i was aware of how stupidly talented they all are - but there's something about seeing it unfold in front of you in real time that makes it really hit you. the sound wasn't great where i was for some of the time so i don't feel like i got the best audio sense of everything, but i was just so struck in particular by matt on the drums and also alex with his guitar playing. i feel like when i'm just listening to their records i'm so busy listening to alex's voice that i forget how incredible a guitar player he is and - wow. just. yeah. it honestly took my breath away.
17) getting the distinct impression that it provides alex with a sense of amusement to deliberately do that thing where he sings the lyrics at slightly different speeds to trip the crowd up
18) even though i ended up being in significant pain for the second half of the set and had to go find somewhere a little further back where i could lean against the railings (chronic pain conditions and standing for 6+ hours apparently isn't the best mix), nothing could dull how magical it was hearing all the tracks from the car that they played closer to the end. standing there in the dusk and feeling so much about everything is something i'll never forget. it truly brought home to me so poignantly everything about why am's music means so much to me and how much love i have for them 💜
19) being in the exact line of direction alex blew kisses to at the end
20) the hazy post-gig walking in the dark under lit up green trees with the lovely human i went with and our conversations about am and creativity and the courage of sharing music 💖
#i'm honestly still processing the fact that it really happened#it was amazing#though i'm trying not to be frustrated with myself for my chronic pain kicking in when they were on#i had a couple of songs where i was like 'why can't i just enjoy this like a normal person'#but then the music took over and brought me back to myself#so yes#i wish i'd been feeling amazing for all of it#but it was still amazing even if i wasn't feeling amazing for every second of it#and i'm so so happy i went and got to share it with such an amazing human#💜#i’ve been swinging between riding a high and post gig blues all day so forgive me if any of this is incoherent#also#i know these photos are blurry as hell but i’d still appreciate it if people don’t repost them without my permission#arctic monkeys#alex turner#matt helders#jamie cook#nick o'malley#am glasgow 2023#lulu posts
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One of my favorite things about being in my early 20s is that I'm starting to understand that I can use things not for their intended purpose. When you're growing up, you get told what an object is and what its intended purpose is, and as a kid/teen, I just accepted all of it at face value. As a young adult it's finally clicking that I can simply do things a different way if it makes me happier. Sure, I was taught that you stand to take a shower, but there's nothing stopping me from just sitting if I don't feel like it, ya know? I might have always had my medication in the kitchen, but if I'm no longer remembering to take it, I can just move it somewhere where I can remember. You don't have to specifically store all food in the kitchen, you can have a little snack cart or snack station in another room.
The downside to finding out the various ways you can use objects is that you develop habits that would probably go on an r/relationships post where everyone says you're a little freak.
#simon says#i just developed a new habit (it's too tmi to put here) and I just know that it's some weird shit#it works and it makes me feel better so I'm gonna keep doing it#but it's some shit that would end up viral where everyone would go 'yo op you should break up with them thats weird' 😔#i was just thinking about this though because every week or so I learn that I can just do what I want#because there's no fucking object use police I can do what I want#i HIGHLY suggest getting into this habit. if you find something annoying or frustrating you can just do it differently#'I hate washing the dishes because my legs hurt from standing for so long' you can bring a chair and sit or you can break it up into chunks#like on the one hand I'm learning this because I have autism and a plethora of other mental disorders#and it's FINALLY clicking that I can self accommodate whenever and however I so please#I'm just sorta learning that if doing something makes me feel better/happy/gets the job done to do that thing#even if it requires using an object in an odd way#hell there's even some little things I've been playing with#for example: my whole life we sorta just lifted blinds only about halfway up#just sorta how we did it ya know#well recently I decided I wanted more natural light in the sunroom/my office so I wouldn't have to turn on the lamp#and I lifted the blinds all the way up to the very top#and honestly?? it fucking rules. the room looks nicer; i get natural light; i can see the forest out back and it's quite calming and nice#like for ages I just never thought about doing that because it just never occurred to me that I could#i just always put blinds about halfway up because that's about how high blinds do in my household#another little one I learned is that I can just... wash my hair#sometimes when I get too depressed or if my body doesn't need a shower but my hair is greasy#I just shove my head under the bathtub facet and wash my hair#it's just a small thing but for years if my hair needed to be washed I would just take a full shower#now I just fix my greasy hair. bc greasy hair is a huge ick for me but sometimes my body is still clean or im too tired to fully shower#like there's nothing stopping me from doing that and it doesn't hurt anyone. it's just a way of bathing that I wasn't taught#but yeah those are some recent examples of me learning I can just... do stuff differently#the free will is kicking in babes and it has decided I love finding ways to use things differently#it's why im doing a bg3 run where I just press loot all no matter what and use whatever I can in odd ways#anyways I might delete this later might not who knows
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why do men feel the need to ruin my day
i was having a grand thursday morning. i'm in the middle of reading a 47 chapter fic that has my ass hooked
get a notification from a dude i've been hooking up with off and on for a few years now, had a bit of a falling out not 4 months ago, told him i was done with his back and forth of wanting me when he's horny then saying he's done and disappearing for a few months before coming right back bullshit
guess who's back spoiler alert it's not shady
#i'm so fucking frustrated#but i'm also weak and had feelings and it ended messy#so i may have accidentally opened that can of worms again by messaging back to accept his apology#fuckin hell wtf is wrong with me#katie talks#katie has bad taste in men more like#where do i get a return shipping label for bisexuality i'd like to trade it in for being a lesbian now please
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bc its been bouncing around in my head i think another little tiny grievance i had with totk is that i got to the end and just felt a sense of ‘well what the hell was that all for then’
#salty talks#like. ok. look at me. do you ever think abt how link loses an arm but absolutely nothing comes of it#it was basically just an excuse to give him powers and there was nothing actually done with yknow#him losing an arm. or how the light dragon thing didnt really have any long lasting consequences#and generally like. i had to think for a moment to remember why the hell she did that#what was her purpose in the past again???? what did she accomplish actually??? oh right the fucking sword#its like. i get to the end and like nothing has changed it all resets to zero it barely even feels lile a change#woth the other races pledging loyalty like the past (gags) bc barely anything abt hyrule changed between those two times#mineru leaves. she was a lot of wasted potential. nothing CHANGED it all just reset back to the status quo#no one learned anything i feel nothing new or interesting just oh hyrule is good :) it all feels so hollow#like you go on this big adventure and then at the end you dust yourself off and go back to doing basically#exactly what you were doing before that all happened like nothing happened. thats how it felt. what was the point#yeah sure new zonai stuff but that never sinks in its not important to the main narrative so it feels like nothing#it just. felt like there was no real point to the adventure except to affirm that yeah the past was perfect keep doing that#while none of the characters actions really have any lasting weight to them and they barely feel involved#i need to stop i can feel myself wanting to keep going lol. link losing his arm but the game not at all engaging with it is frustrating#totk salt#like to me it’s an issue bc its a long game with a lot to do but when you reach the end it just rings so fucking hollow#the main story/narrative equivalent to all those fucking collection items where the prize is a useless fucking token
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great. nightmares about my fuck up as soon as i close my eyes 👍
#with an added bonus of the customer mad at me coming in to yell at me infront of everyone at work#and everyone boycotting my place of work. forcing them to close down. me losing my job over this. everyone in town hating me#me having to leave and hope none of this spreads further than a couple towns over or else i'll never find work again#because everyone knows that I Am the Bad Employee and no one wants to hire me#essentially meaning i have to starve on the streets because everyone hates me and made it impossible for me to make a living in this world#this fuck up really triggered the hell out of me#the nature of the fuck up the involvement of a social media shitstorm and tagging the higher ups#and the shitstorm reaching several businesses in town and word getting back to my boss and just the whole public outcry of it all#still makes me want to rip out my organs and sink into the earth and die die die die die die die die die#at this point i'd love for these people to find my instagram profile and send me hateful dms and death threats#just so i know they have the right place to let out their anger and frustration#so they know it's not on my place of work or any of my coworkers but solely on me#wanna quit my job and take all the blame and nasty words to wash the reputation of my place of work clean again#i tarnished it so i must clean it. take all the blame because i am the one who fucked up#the need to fix it and make it better any way possible is eating me alive
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The urge to make L.upin III an f/o again is growing once more...
#pan rambles#You can argue he never stopped being one even if he's unlisted#BUT MAN.... I've been watching Part 6 for the first time bc I had a bad habit of stopping right after episode 6#amd AUGH....#I don't miss L.upin or whatever (misses him a lot)#It's such a fun Series to write shenanigans about!#That stupid thief has taken over the braincell once more#another reason why it's tough for me to add him back is because my s/i and him never really become a thing?#Like. You have moments here and there that imply my s/i likes him and MAYBE that Lupin likes them back#but ultimately it's kinda ambiguous if they'll ever become a thing y'know?#It's so stupid but this is one of those times where I'm insecure as hell about making them a thing-afksnfksndj#I just kinda feel like he wouldn't settle for someone like my s/i#It's such a frustrating feeling-
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